Bugle 247 – Mind The Gap!

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to Bugle issue 247.

The first bugle of the golden era of world peace that broke out after last week's solving of the Syria crisis.

Swept conveniently back under the carpet with a comforting squelch so we can all get back to having fun.

I'm Andy Zoltzman in London and joining us from the logical conclusion to Western Culture, Los Angeles, it's the Tinseltown Terroi himself, the Hollywood hot stuff, the self-proclaimed Ginger Rogers of the 21st century, John Oliver.

Oh, please don't let this city be where humanity is heading, Andy.

I am indeed LA, the City of Angels, that's named after Angels, a strip club on Sunset Boulevard.

I believe the technical name for this city is city of broken dreams that's named after the strip club broken dreams which is just off Ventura

I'm out here for the Emmy Awards tomorrow night Andy and to shoot a couple of episodes of community next week the rest of the time I'll presumably be eating macrobiotic smoothies surfing with Vin Diesel and pumping weights on muscle beach Andy pumping weights

Last weekend

I was at a friend's wedding in Philadelphia, which was in a Catholic church And look, it's not often I walk into one of those, Andy, without feeling flames licking at the soles of my feet.

And, you know, my relationship with Catholicism may not have improved after an incident in the church just before the wedding.

I was standing right at the front, the front, I don't know what you call it, entrance, exit, whatever they call it, the front of the church, talking to an eight-year-old boy.

And he was thirsty, and he said, can I drink from that?

And he pointed at what looked to me to be some kind of water fountain on the wall.

So I said, sure, go for it.

And he did, Andy, and he lapped away for a few seconds before a horrified man pulled him away and followed that up by dipping his finger in the water and crossing himself.

Apparently it was holy water.

And it's not a drinking fountain.

That is my bad.

And

the kid is now either significantly holier than he was this time last week or significantly sicker.

Because, and this is true, The groom texted me the next morning with a link to a local news story about bacteria in holy water in Philadelphia churches saying, if the kid goes down, we know who to point the finger at.

Thanks to all buglers who've come to see my Saturdays for Har Show in Soho.

Hope you've enjoyed the shows.

Thanks for sending in your satirical requests from the globally relevant to the downright weird.

And this one came in, I won't use the guy's name.

And I think a lot of questions arise from this.

Dear Andy,

whilst I imagine much of your show will be spent holding up a mirror to our unjust society and mashing political hot potatoes, testify.

I wonder if you consider a more self-serving and devious request.

I met up with a girl last weekend for a first date.

Unfortunately, it turns out she's really clever and funny and attractive, which is a nightmare as I'm not sure I'm any of these things.

She's agreed to a second date.

Obviously, your show was my first thought for a romantic night out.

Uh-oh.

Well, I've just.

That relationship is now over

because

having sent in this email, John, in the show, I got to it and I said,

Are you here?

Is

are you here?

And he neither him nor the girl were there.

So it turns out that the mere threat of going to see my gig is enough to break up a relationship.

John, we have a surprise guest on the on Google uh today with some uh very searching questions for you about uh some of the things you've been saying recently.

Uh-huh.

John, hello, it's Tom from all the way from Australia.

Oh my goodness, me.

And you, I've got a bone to pick with you on two counts.

Yeah, pick it away.

Well one, the publicist for Smurfs 2 in Australia seems to be stalking me.

Could you please ask her to stop?

I don't want to go see the film.

No offence, John.

I just I get in so many emails, it's getting slightly creepy.

So if you could tell them that would be be really helpful.

And I understand that you came to Australia and were rude to a former Prime Minister, and that you're up for an Emmy.

That's congratulations.

This is John Howard with the English.

The two are linked.

The two are linked.

Well, I've got to say, if that's the qualifying thing, if to be rude to John Howard gets you an Emmy nomination, then a lot of Australia will be going for the Oscars next year, let me tell you.

Yeah, I'm hoping to come down to call Tony Abbott an arsehole and then just hold my hand out and wait to be given a gong.

I think he'd take that as a compliment.

At this point,

because of where I work, I can't possibly voice any opinion about Tony Abbott, now Minister in Charge of Women's Affairs, who in 2006 said that maybe men are genetically built to lead women.

Yeah, I have no opinion on that whatsoever.

But you're not stating an opinion, you're just stating a fact there, and then letting people judge from that fact what they will.

No, as a representative of Australia's public broadcasting company, I need to say Tony Abbott, it's within his power not to appoint a science minister because, because, let's face it, Australia isn't getting hotter.

Well, science is a fad as well.

I mean, it's, you know.

It's like organic groceries.

It was a great idea a few years ago.

It just isn't a practical in this austerity-led world.

Well, so, I mean, you know, humankind managed to live without science for millions of years.

And it's

only came in, what, about 1930, didn't it?

Yeah, it it's it's

the idea of basically uh what doesn't what what you don't know doesn't hurt you, you know, ignorance is bliss, basically.

Should explain uh long-term bugles will recognise the Dulcet Scottish australian tone tones of uh of uh tom is our original bugle producer from uh way back in the mists of bugle history well someone told me pre-Chris previously uh a couple of months ago someone came up to me and said oh you're from the old bugles

yes I'm from the old bugles geez from the deep dark prehistory of podcasting so welcome back for a fleeting

fleeting visit what have you done with Chris oh he's talking about he's doing some football stuff.

So here we have.

And we have Rich as the stand-in producer.

Hello, Rich.

Tom sees the opportunity to speak into a microphone.

There we go.

So that's another one.

Quite done.

I can't say fk you to him.

I don't even know him.

Anyway.

Well, if anyone else wants to say fk you to Rich.

Or even to Tom, having missed out on the opportunity to do s ⁇ .

F you from the old bugle.

So welcome to this Bugle 247.

for the week beginning Monday, the 23rd of September.

As always, a section of this bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, an archaeological finds section.

Some very exciting news, John.

A new gospel has been discovered.

Another new one.

The gospel according to St.

Bioncis, which details only Jesus' minor miracles rather than the major ones.

They've got so much press coverage in the big gospels.

These include house-training Lazarus' new puppy in a single afternoon.

doing an entire parable whilst bouncing on a pogo stick.

Getting his friends Kevin and Nadine to stay together despite having had a stand-up row outside the temple about whether or not to put in a new patio.

And most memorably winning a game of animal snap despite wearing a blindfold.

Lord, you did memorise the order of the cards, said Peter.

No, Peter, I had faith.

I believed in the cards, and the cards fell good for me.

Peter skepticised you not, my son.

I'd expect this kind of shit from Thomas, but not from you.

With respect, Gaffer, please call me Lord.

Sorry, Lord.

With respect, I saw you looking through the cards and then not shuffling them properly.

No, Peter, I just read you'd like a Mils and Boone, said Jesus.

Bullshit, Lord.

Screw you, Peter.

If you didn't make the noises of the animals as soon as the card went down, it wouldn't be so f ⁇ ing easy.

You owe me 50 shekels.

And where's Iscari?

He still doesn't pay me for the poker night last week.

Well, you obviously cheated in that one, Lord.

Yeah, well, he should get over it.

Also, been discovered a new Egyptian tomb.

Very exciting news, including the first known pictures of Cannabis, the ancient Egyptian goddess of tedious conversation, and also the 14th century pharaohs.

A dynasty of 14th century pharaohs, including I lost my hat.

Is that a new hat?

I have a new hat, and

I'd use a scarf too.

Sorry, I'd use a scarf the second.

It's been a long week.

I have missed this.

Nothing's changed, Tom.

Nothing's changed.

We've been treading water for the last half a decade.

Top story this week.

Mind the gap.

Mind the gap.

Mind

the gap.

Andy, there are gaps that governments actually care about, of course, such as a likability gap.

That's when polls suggest that a candidate is not testing as likable with the public, so his team will stop at nothing to try and find a particular colour of tie to fix that problem.

Then there are the gaps that politicians really couldn't give two shits about, such as the wealth gap.

Now, in America, that gap has become more of a grand canyon recently, so much so that stuntmen are currently lining up to perform death-defying stunts such as tightrope walk across the wealth gap, as long as they can find a piece of wire long enough.

Recent statistics proved that the income gap between the richest 1% of Americans and the other 99% widened to a record margin in 2012, breaking the previous record

set in 1927.

And bear in mind that the wealth gap in 1927 in America was between the two points of a man wearing a shiny monocle and a child washing its rags in an open sewer.

So that was a pretty, pretty objectively impressive gap back then.

Well, this has to be seen in historical context, John, because this is a great triumph for America when these figures were announced.

America as a nation went, what's that?

Oh, Mr.

Khrushchev, you've gone eerily quiet.

Stick that in your dacha and collectively farm it.

So it's very much a great victory for America.

This is really the end point of the Cold War for me.

Well, according to tax filings, the top 1% of U.S.

earners collected 19.3% of household income, and that is just what they're filing, Andy.

That doesn't take into account their Cayman Island bank accounts or the $100 bills that are stuffed into their comically oversized mattresses.

And those statistics don't even focus on the even narrower OPRA percent, which is the very small percentage of people who are OPRA.

Now, that group has once again done extremely well over the last 12 months, Andy.

Some Some of these statistics are so horrifying, their impact is almost physical.

It's like numbers suddenly have the ability to reach out and slap you in the face.

Over the last tax year in the state, the top 10% of richest households represented just under half of all income in the year.

And over the last three years, 95% of all income gains have gone to the richest 1% of people.

Did you feel a physical reaction to those numbers?

Didn't you somehow feel that those figures had gone into your ears, travelled through your body, and then spent a few seconds kicking you in the balls?

I don't know how that's possible, and I know that it isn't, but

someone tell my bulls that, Andy, because they feel awful sore right now.

We've had kind of similar discussions over here.

George Osborne earlier in the year at the budget, I think, said those with the broadest shoulders should bear the greatest burden.

Then stopped for a minute and said, sorry,

not greatest burden, I meant flashiest golden cape.

Those with the broadest shoulders should definitely wear the flashiest golden cape.

Which it's not just the complete lack of concern from most wealthy politicians in the face of poverty, it's the inexplicable anger that they have at the poor for somehow getting themselves into this mess.

In the UK, Michael Gove, who is Secretary of State for Education, but who also seems that he would feel right at home in a Dickens novel, walking through an orphanage, whacking children with a pointy stick, he made some comments recently about...

To be honest, John, that is actually part of his education policy.

Right, okay.

Well, that's exactly.

He made some comments recently about food banks, which is punching down so hard, I think he may have dislocated his shoulder.

He said during a departmental question session with MPs that users of local food banks can't budget properly, which I guess is true, Andy, if by that you mean to imply that they literally don't have enough money to form a functional budget through which the survive of a human being.

If you mean anything other than that, of course, then you are a flaming asshole.

Someone who I believe in Spanish you would call penderjo en fuego.

Penderjo en fuego.

Or you've been doing some lessons, John.

A little bit.

A little bit.

I think that means arsehole on fire.

Not flaming arsehole, but the.

I'm hoping it gets the basic point across.

Wasn't that a title of a John Denver album?

What, Penderjo en Fuego?

No, arsehole on fire.

Yeah, I think it was just before the final album.

Yeah, Go did say that.

He's basically saying that people are using food banks because

of poor economic decisions.

And that is true.

The only problem is that the economic decisions were not made by the people using the food banks, which must have made those little bits of gravel they were getting taste even more bitter.

Yeah, look, what he's essentially saying seems to be, look, the government should simply help them make better decisions, such as the decision to not be poor.

My parents chose not to be poor and their parents before them.

It boggles one's mind to try to understand why one would actively choose to be impoverished but I suppose some people just love the taste of dirt.

Just take your bootstraps and pull yourself up by them.

And if you can't afford bootstraps, I simply don't know what to say to you.

This could possibly be paving the way for the next general election, a nationwide cull of the poor.

In fact, David Cameron was recently

overheard in a one-man press conference in his own bedroom, practicing a speech in which he said,

what do they actually do?

I know the last government, Cull of the Poor, cunningly disguised as World War I, did not prove particularly popular.

But I think the majority would accept that poor from other countries are now so much more efficient than our own British poor, and sacrifices will have to be made, literally in some cases.

Where's my chainsaw?

Bring forth the pleb.

Ring, ring, ring, ding, ring, ring, ring, ning, ring, ring, ding, ning.

The current UK government has been widely criticised as being out of touch, but I actually don't think they would understand a poor person, Andy, if they were physically touching them with the sole of their shoe while standing on their face, which is metaphorically essentially what they're currently doing anyway.

Because this currently comes on the back of the Conservatives in Britain also standing by their controversial bedroom tax, which docks housing benefit by fourteen percent if welfare recipients in social housing have a second bedroom, something which is objectively not their fault, Andy, and is a massive and also lines up with a massive shortage of council one bedroom properties for them to hypothetically move into.

But this policy seems to think that you might be able to punish poor people out of their difficult situation, which is like a doctor hoping that a comatose patient will wake up if he repeatedly slams them with a plank of wood.

I guess it's theoretically possible, but even on the off chance that they do wake up, they're going to wake up justifiably angry.

Well, that's it.

But this is the right way to do it, John.

If you've got a cat that appears to be very, very ill and you want it to be a bit more sprightly, the way to make it move is to shoot it repeatedly.

And it will start twitching.

It will definitely start twitching.

The current conservative attitude towards combating poverty seems to be the same attitude that sadomasochists have towards sex.

Look, if it doesn't hurt, you are clearly not doing it right.

According to the latest figures, one in three council tenants affected by the housing benefit cut have fallen behind on rent since the policy took effect.

Now obviously this has not gone down at all well and the government just issued a response to these figures saying obviously this is very disappointing and not what we intended with this policy, which was supposed to create equality, not division.

Therefore we will be ruthlessly targeting the remaining sixty six percent to make sure that they fall into debt they can't afford to, or a feast that forced to leave their homes, families and communities, just to see the looks on their faces.

Fing priceless.

Lighten up guys.

And many have literally fallen foul of the new regulations, John, in that they have to take on extra jobs dressing as pantomime chickens to publicise International Omelette Awareness Week, just to make ends meet.

But interestingly, it's been confirmed today, exclusively to the Bugle,

that the Queen

has fallen foul of these new housing regulations.

It turned out that she had in her homes a total of 174 unoccupied bedrooms, as a result of which she and her current squeeze, Prince Philip, have been relocated to a one-bedroom council flat in Brixton, from where Her Majesty will continue to rule her subjects with her characteristic non-committal neutrality, very much a potato fist in a potato glove.

Op-ed off news now, and uh last week you might remember that Vladimir Putin took to the pages of the New York Times to write an op-ed about American foreign policy, especially regarding Syria.

Well this has set off something of an op-ed arms race around the world right now as John McCain, fully qualified Captain Cranky Pants, took it upon himself to respond by writing an attack on Putin published on Russia's Pravda website.

Now the piece was headlined, Russians Deserve Better Than Putin and accused the Kremlin of punishing dissent, rigging elections, backing tyrants, censoring the media, fostering corruption and banishing political opponents.

McCain said that Putin was undermining his country's reputation through support for Syria's government in the face of the West's outrage over its use of chemical weapons.

The Op-Ed said he is not enhancing Russia's global reputation, he's destroying it.

He has made her a friend to tyrants and an enemy to the oppressed, and untrusted by nations that seek to build a safer, more peaceful, and prosperous world.

That is one step short, Andy, of just drawing a cartoon of Putin's face with a penis coming out of his forehead.

And this now seems to be the new wave in international diplomacy, or more specifically, international smack talk, just using each other's newspapers as the back of a bathroom stall door.

These op-eds truly prove, Andy, that the pen is indeed pettier than the sword.

Although McCain may have slightly screwed up in the particular location of his article, because Putin's was in the New York Times, America's most famous newspaper, but McCain's op-ed was published on Pravda's website, not even Pravda itself, which was Russia's most famous newspaper around three decades ago.

One Russian opposition activist, Ilya Yashin, tweeted, McCain evidently doesn't realize that pravda.ru is not the pravda newspaper he remembers from Cold War times.

And another said Senator McCain mixed up the Pravda newspaper and the Pravda.ru website.

See, the problem is, Russia's Communist Party still produces its own separate Pravda periodical, but the publication has such a small distribution that most Russians would not even be able to buy it from newsstands.

But still, that's not the point, Andy.

The point is that he did it.

It's not what he did or where he did it, it's that he did it at all.

That's the point.

That's the point you're trying to make.

And McCain and Putin are far from alone, Andy, in writing op-eds in each other's papers.

It's the UN General Assembly annual meeting next week, the circus ring that drew such memorably crazy speeches from the likes of Gaddafi and Ahmedinejad.

And Iran's new leader, President Hassan Rouhani, has just written a couple of days ago an op-ed here in the Washington Post.

In it, he urges other world leaders to seize the opportunity presented by his election to engage Iran in a constructive dialogue.

And he said that his country was ready to facilitate talks between the Syrian government and the opposition.

He says, gone is the age of blood feuds.

World leaders are expected to lead in turning threats into opportunities.

Gone is the age of blood feuds.

What the f ⁇ is that, Andy?

America looks to Iran to be a cartoon nemesis, not a persuasive sense of reason.

Rouhani is supposed to offer blood-curdling threats, not salient advice.

Also, as encouraging as the tone of his op-ed is, Andy, Rouhani really might want to deliver that whole gone is the age of blood feuds argument to lots of Iran's closest allies as well as to its supposed enemies.

The whole op-ed was designed not so much as provocation, but more explanation as well as olive branch.

And it's just

the latest indication that Rouhani may actually be willing to try to thaw relations with the United States, at least getting that temperature down to cold from the current f ⁇ ing freezing where it is at the moment.

In other news, this was a story actually sent in for satirization by one of my audience members.

This went an amazing story.

During the Second World War,

butchers in Germany, an allied, and an occupied Austria, Poland, northern France, were outlawed from making sausages because the intestines were needed to make zeppelin airships.

Which is

absolutely extraordinary.

Like I go show where you ban sausages, you also ban people.

Well,

that just shows how much Germany wanted to fight that war, Andy, because that's their biggest sacrifice.

The German people love a sausage to a fault, up to and including a massive personal fault.

It's like the Belgians being.

In fact, maybe that was it.

Maybe the Belgians were asked to, you know, if you will have to sacrifice waffles to fight a war, and that's why they went, just let him in, let him in

you're asking too much

but uh i don't i'm not sure i don't think i was i wasn't aware that uh basically airships were made of sausage yes airships are not kosher andy but uh chose um uh it actually comes up there because i did some research into this and the hindenburg of course um famously uh went down in uh 1936 or was it 36 37 around about then and uh and you you hear that you know the the germans obviously knew of its the fact that it was basically a giant flying sausage if If you hear the German commentary on it, because we've probably heard the English commentary and all the kind of disaster unfolding, but I managed to see it on

YouTube and find the German commentary on it.

And I brought a transcript,

transcript of that commentary

for you buglers today.

Klinsmann, Reich, Reich!

Reich!

That gives a little insight into

the true habit of melodia.

I'm pretty sure that's racism.

Another extraordinary story coming in from Russia.

And this

kind of shows the nation that John McCain is taking on.

There was

an argument between two Russian people.

There's nothing unusual there.

It's Russia.

We've had some pretty big internal disagreements in the past, often involving trains going to pretty far away and pretty cold destinations.

This argument happened in a grocery store.

Again, understandable.

And it ended up with one man shooting the other man.

Now, again, this doesn't sound that surprising.

Perhaps one of the men was, say, Vladimir Putin, and the other man was perhaps a journalist.

You know, it's an old tradition of resolving disputes through shooting.

But this disagreement was about the theories of the 18th century German philosopher Immanuel Kant.

You see?

Andy, there is the difference between the Russians and the French right there.

In France, an argument about philosophy ends with some passive-aggressive smoking outside a coffee shop in Paris.

In Russia, it ends with a gunfight in a grocery store.

That's right.

That's why Napoleon and them could never get on.

In the words of Franklin D.

Roosevelt, oh, those Russians.

What was that?

Was that Roosevelt or Boney M?

I can't remember.

All I know is that if you play Brown Girl in the Ring backwards, it's basically a fully costed explanation of the New Deal.

And Daddy Cool, if you play it backwards, is an admission that FDR had Amelia Earhart bumped off because she wouldn't let him have a go in her plane.

But anyway,

in the course of this fight, the suspect took out a pistol and fired rubber bullets at his opponent, who survived.

But

it's

extraordinary to have

just a simple argument about philosophy

ending the shooting.

And I've also managed to get the transcript of this, just a regular conversation in a grocery shop about philosophers.

Hey, Eagle, we've been in this grocery store since 3pm.

It's now 4pm.

This really has been the shop an hour.

I really fancy a Jewish-style bread roll.

I'm just quitting.

This is me checking out.

But

this behagal is too expensive.

I'm not shelling out for that.

It's a lot of money.

Well, you might think that, but I've left my cash at home.

Oh, you're going to need your credit card then.

Oh, it's been stolen by the wife.

Oh, how's that divorce coming on?

Shh, legal matter.

Can someone please just knock me out?

How can you do this to Tom?

It's the first time he's been back in years, and this is how you welcome him back.

Epistemology.

Epistemology, better say a doctor, could be kidney stones.

Anyway, um,

heart, heart, heart, a more hot, hard

Here's a question about Immanuel Kant in 1790 Immanuel Kant defined laughter as an affection arising from what?

A rude words B a stained expectation being suddenly reduced to nothing C a man riding a bicycle into a hedge or D a woman doing something a man would not dream of doing or vice versa answers on a postcard to the late Mr.

Kant and his friend

Bugle feature section now and the arts.

A new series, John, starting this weekend of the Smash Hits historical costume soap opera, Downton Abbey.

I know it's been a big hit in the States.

As well, has it been a big hit in Australia, Tom?

We don't have television, so I wouldn't.

Just stand around being comfortably racist, is that our belief for some

social commentators.

Well, Americans often come to Australia and make sweeping statements in their, what was it, John, three-day tour?

And suddenly they know everything about Australia.

It was not a three-day.

It was not a three-day, Tom.

It was a week.

And in that week, frankly, you managed to pack in a lot of comfortable racism.

That's all I've seen.

What is it about you Americans?

You go to a foreign country and you're just intent on pissing people off.

Australia, Afghanistan, Iraq, now Syria, it's just not right.

That's Learn's behaviour.

Let's not forget who started America.

We did it with a much better class of jacket, though.

That is hereditary irritation.

To answer your question, Denton Abbey is huge, but is interrupted by endless adverts.

Right.

Which is incredibly frustrating if you're trying to follow the very boring plot.

Well, I mean, there have been

quite a lot of controversy actually in the papers

about the number of the infinite monkeys who write the dialogue who died due to the poor conditions in the writer's room.

Of course, David Cameron loves it.

He sees it as very much gritty social realism.

And we have some exclusive previews of series four of Downton Abbey, all the thrilling plot developments.

Can Lady Grantham finish her apple?

Will Mrs.

Hughes hold a fork?

Why is Lady Ethel pointing at a stick?

And will Bates ever find his missing penis?

Also, when cantankerous and oddly moustached German house guest Adolph Hochler arrives with a hundred man servants all dressed in intimidatingly sinister uniforms and starts ranting on at dinner about building an empire that will last a thousand years, can Chief Butler Carson restrain himself from saying, well you've got to admit he's got some strong ideas?

And also, will Lord Grantham ever be able to remember all the lyrics to Funkadelic's number one hit, One Nation Under a Groove?

The show continues to be dogged by allegations of editorial anachronism.

Also, in the arts section, we're looking at

video games.

John, Grand Theft Auto out there, I imagine

you spent most of the last week playing Grand Theft Auto.

Sure, but I mean, I'm actually physically in LA, Andy, so I've been living that game, not playing it.

£170 million pound budget, apparently.

Grand Theft Auto V.

Seems to believe if Michelangelo had been alive today, he would have been programming in computer games.

He wouldn't have been a painter decorator.

Are you suggesting Mickey Paintbrush would shoot dead drug dealers in a virtual game?

I'm just saying he'd have designed a game entitled Bible One Genesis of Doom, and it would have had a lot of people prancing around with their meat out.

But that's not the point.

A lot of other games coming out, having to compete with Grand Theft Auto V, including Janet Napolitano's Bob Sled Mayhem,

unexpected departure for the former Homeland Security Secretary, Teddy Roosevelt's Beast Slayer, that's an early 20th century

hunting expedition game, described by the gaming magazine Gratuitous Gorse Blatter as, quotes, too bloodthirsty, even by 21st century gaming standards.

Bernard's Snout, Traffic Warden, that's a cracking game, Matt,

arguably too realistic.

And the eagerly awaited...

Fall of Empire 3 general social decay.

Can you continue the slow destruction of an empire?

Picking up where the hit

Fall of Empire series has left off.

Of course, the first one, Fall of Empire, Overreach, Fall of Empire 2, Cling to Power.

They left off.

Fall of Empire 3 challenges you to mastermind a gradual collapse of a once-thriving economic powerhouse and the fracturing of an increasingly complacent amoral society amidst an intangible sense of unease.

Next year's Fall of Empire 4, total mayhem, should be absolutely sensational.

Your emails now, and we have an email here from Johanna in Germany who says, Dear John, Andy and Chris, in order of who of you need some German lessons?

Well, she said that now, but she hadn't already heard today's bugles.

That may change that order.

She says, I'm very sorry to have to tell you there is no German word for tasing yourself, and Leken Tarzen, which you made up, this is when I tased myself in Afghanistan, means something in German, but definitely not what you thought.

Leken is to lick.

Tarzan doesn't exist, but sounds similar to Tassen, which means mugs.

I'm pretty sure licking mugs would have the same effect as tasing yourself, but maybe, John, you can try this as you seem to be easily talked into something like that.

Incidentally, she says, Germans would describe tasing yourself like this.

Sigselfmit einem Elektra Schocker and Graffe Ein.

Sounds aggressive, even for Germans, it does, but that's because tasing yourself is aggressive, and most of all, fing stupid.

Better point, Johanna.

She says, I won't say f you, Chris, which by the way is f dick, Chris, in German, but we'll try something different.

A compliment.

Chris, for Germans, your accent sounds very sexy.

That is not a compliment.

That is basically accusing Chris of war crimes.

What have you become?

Well, you may say, this email will put you in your place,

Tom.

It came in from Laura.

Laurie in Helsinki.

Saying, hello, gentlemen.

I wonder if Andy, as a representative of the chosen people, thinks this might come a little bit late.

The Finnish Amateur Athletic Association has apologised for revoking an obvious hundred metre victory from a Jewish athlete in Helsinki in June 1938.

Finally, justice.

Justice!

Justice.

I mean, that you know

w my team has uh or the team that I'm a l a a lapsed n non s non-subscription paying member of.

We do

I'd pay muzzlecuff for that medal if I thought you knew what that meant.

We cannot afford to spurn any sporting victory.

That is since our wi our win in the uh forty-year triathlon from uh Egypt to uh to the promised land

we've not uh not done so well.

Uh any manipulant manipulation of the results is shocking, continues the article that uh Laurie sent in, and goes against our fundamental values in sports.

I present my sincerest apologies to those who've suffered injustices and to their families.

So, I mean, you know, I guess, I mean, it's an example, isn't it?

You know, the world, it's never too late to apologise.

Or that if you're very slow at doing admin like I am, you get to it, you know, 70 years too late.

But you still get it done.

I want an apology for being disqualified from my

school sack race.

1981 because I crossed the line slightly out of my sack.

And I maintain that I was still enough in the sack according to IAAF regulations that that result should have stood.

Do you think it was probably anti-Semitism, Andy?

Is that what you're saying?

Well, yeah.

Let's just say the kid that took the gold medal in my place was not a Jewish boy.

That's,

I mean, I was about the only Jewish boy in the school, but that's not the point.

To quote you,

there's nothing more chilling than hearing a very wealthy English voice say, get back in that sack.

Goodness me, the Jew has escaped from his sack.

Punish you.

I think it was a Radio 4 comedy series in the 1930s.

It's the Bullington Club, isn't it?

And we just like to wish get well soon to Jonah, who sent us a very nice email this week.

I hope all is going well.

Yeah, hanging there, John.

So all the best from the Bugle.

That's it for this week.

John, you're going to still be in LA next week.

Yes, I am, yeah.

Good luck at the Emmys.

Thanks for it.

What do you mean, on an emotional level?

Like surviving that?

Thank you.

I'll take it.

Well, you know,

it doesn't necessarily mean that modern culture is just an abyss of nothingness.

It gets close to making a persuasive argument, though.

We'll just see if in between some of the speeches and the tears you can hear the distant echo of civilisation's past asking why.

I'll tell you what, Andy, I'll throw that into my acceptance speech.

Yeah, you too.

that.

If you drink heavily as well, that probably will help things.

Do keep your emails coming in to info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Thanks again to everyone who's come to see my show.

I'm hoping to tour it, hopefully,

around the world, not just and in Britain.

Well, we'll see.

But thanks again.

And check out our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle.

Don't forget the Bugle merch and volunteer subscriptions at thebuglepodcast.com.

And we'll be back with Bugle248 next week.

Tom, thanks.

It's been great to see you.

Up until the pun run, it was good to see you.

Go fk yourself.

You're no longer welcome in this country or this podcast.

Thanks.

Goodbye, Buglers.

Goodbye.

Bye, Tom.

Bye.

Bye, John.

F you, John.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.