Bonus Bugle – The Story of Wills and Kate

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to Bugle 240 sub-episode Buffal Badonkadonk.

There is no actual Bugle this week.

There's been simply too much sport going around.

It would not have been been safe or sensible for anyone to record or listen to it.

That was Britain winning Wimbledon, all 60 million of us Brits who've strived so hard for these 77 years.

We should be careful though, after Andy Murray's glorious triumph last Sunday, British men winning Wimbledon often presages a world war.

Fred Perry in the 1930s, Arthur Gore in the early 20th century, stock up on your air raid shelters, buglers, things are about to get funky.

All those British near misses finally consigned to the history books, where, to be fair, they already were in common with other things that have happened in the past.

I mean, these specific history books were, you know, only history books that deal with often early round exits at Wimbledon.

But the point stands, they are still, they're still in the history books.

Anyway, it was all lovingly watched from the Royal Box by Prime Minister David Cameron, Ed Milliband, the alleged leader of the Labour Party, and the Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, who just decided to debase the moment by waving a fucking flag.

As Murray stood ready to serve at 40 love, three championship points with his destiny in his grasp.

The TV pictures flashed to these political leaders sitting in the royal box and it's almost as if Murray looked up, saw those men there and thought, well, I'm 40 love up.

I have three match points, two sets to the good, I've proved I can win Wimbledon, but I don't want any of those basking in my reflected glory.

He probably lost four points in a row and almost tanked a match before pulling himself back together like a dismembered but determined magnetic dog and finally winning the famous old trophy.

In rugby, the Lions beat Australia to the disappointment of hardcore rugby fans.

It wasn't decided by a random technical decision by the referee, but actually because the Lions played well.

That's not really what the game is about.

And there's been lots of cricket going on, too, almost unbearably exciting cricket as well, which you Americans may struggle to understand, for which you have, frankly, only yourselves to blame.

You can hear more about that on the Greatest Test, my podcast with Chris, the producer, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen greatest hyphen test.

But anyway, away from sport.

There is a new dawn for the world, people.

I foresee that a child will be born.

A special child.

People will one day call him king.

Or if it's a girl, King Et, a child of destiny who will be worshipped by all.

Newspaper editors.

Yes, the imminent birth of the magic royal baby is now even more imminent than before.

Cape Middleton now experts reckon about 99.4% pregnant.

Due out later this week, the new Royal Kid, any day now, it shall be released so to commemorate the exploitation of the new majesty tot we have a compilation of the bugle's best monarchy moments sit back pop your crown on and enjoy or get a divorce and split your church your call

Kate Middleton could well be our queen one day and you know what that means it means we'll be making disrespectful and childish remarks at her expense in the future

Yep.

I'm prepared to start warming up for that day as soon as possible.

I think we're already halfway into it.

Details are gradually emerging of the engagement itself.

Apparently, Prince William popped the question at a secluded game reserve in the foothills of Mount Kenya.

Beautiful location, Andy.

He then celebrated by shooting a lion in the face and smearing his bride with the blood.

I think they call it a traditional 19th century proposal.

But you know, he's chosen Kate Middleton ahead of other potential candidates, including Scarlett Johansson, one or both of George W.

Bush's daughters and pop star Lady Garga who had the advantage of course of being titled aristocracy.

And

also he turned down any of the world's genuine current standing princesses.

And personally I think this is a mistake.

I care

much more about the problems

the current interpretations of the rucklaw and rugby than the royal wedding to be honest.

And as far as I'm concerned, the one remaining function of the royal family is to stop pricks like Peter Mandelton trying to become king.

But still, good luck to them.

They both seem very nice.

And I'm already spoken for, so it's not like he's taking a potential Mrs.

Zoltzmann off the market.

But, and it is a big but, from a patriotic point of view, it is a shame, no, a disaster that Prince William is marrying for love.

Now, I might be a bit old-fashioned about this, but what is the fing point of having a Prince, John, if you can't marry him off to a princess from another country to form a strategic political partnership?

If William had a shred of patriotism, he'd be marrying either Angela Merkel or Chinese President Hu Jintao's daughter Hai King.

That's who you should be marrying.

What is what's happened to tradition, Andy?

What's happened to this country and its values?

Yeah.

No, I mean neither of those is technically a princess, but they are basically de facto princesses.

Yes.

So as you said, the announcement was instantly met with a predictable reaction of wild media hysteria and whinging,

more importantly, and as you say with the media, the whole of the world's media jumped on board and when the media goes ape shit then what happens is that they even though the public I'm not sure the public had particularly gone ape shit but the media then saw the public reading or watching or listening to them going ape shit and they reported that the public was going ape shit as well and then they went even more ape shit and it's a cycle of ape shittery that has no foreseeable end

But the whinge, the whinging was extraordinary, John.

Within literally seconds of the announcement, people across Britain were grumbling about the potential cost to them, the taxpayer, to which there are two very obvious responses: one,

lighten the fk up, big horse, and two, it won't be very much.

No, comes the hitback.

That wedding is going to cost us more than 20 billion pounds over nine years.

No, you can respond.

You're mixing up with the combined cost to the country of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

And they reply, yeah, or they're all basically part of the same thing.

It's all about the oil.

That Cape Middleton, they want to run a pipeline through her.

And our company's already agreed that Halliburton can make a wedding dress.

Death to the East.

I'm confused.

Bugle feature now and royal wedding countdown.

We are, as you very well know, the official podcast of the royal wedding as appointed by Her Majesty Queen Victoria herself on her deathbed in 1901.

She said, I believe it was amongst her last words were,

other than, can someone turn that radio off?

And

I don't need to hear the shipping forecast at this stage of my life.

Just make sure that the bugle covers all future royal weddings.

So we are the official podcast of the royal wedding.

That's just

what we've been talking about.

The official podcast, Andy, of the unofficial royal wedding.

There must be another couple called William and Kate getting married on the same day.

We will be the official podcast of their wedding, whether they listen to it.

We'll be all over.

That's just three weeks to go until the big day when Prince William, the number three ranked monarch in Britain, marries Kate, the monkey wrench of annihilation Middleton.

Now, it doesn't seem the most appropriate nickname that parents have ever given their child now, but she just looked that way when she popped out and it kind of stuck.

Same reason I've always been known as the human aubergine and why John's family still call him Eleanor Roosevelt.

There are precious few signs, though, John, of William snapping to his senses and marrying someone politically expedient for this country, so it appears we're just going to have to suck it up.

And proceedings, preparations for the big day are proceeding apace, a mass airdrop of disappointing canopies over the whole of of Britain.

All set to go.

Rain clouds specially seeded with cheap champagne.

And Whitney Houston ready to go up in a hot air balloon and sing, I will always love you through a giant megaphone at the assemble crowds in London.

It's going to be a special day.

Is America excited about it, John?

Well, of course they are, Andy.

This is, and for good reason.

The greatest day in human history is now just 21 days away.

The union of the greatest man in the world and the greatest woman in the world in the hope that they can produce the child which will once more lead Britain back to reinstall its empire and take over the planet again.

Anything less than that will be a huge failure on that child's head.

But that's all of the future.

For now it's all about pomp.

And as Jay-Z would put it, Britain is about to be all about big pomp in spending the cheese.

And

why not?

Why not?

With the way the world is at the moment, we need to be distracted, Andy.

Spending the cheese.

Yep.

Doesn't spend the big cheese on.

We're spending spending a lot of cheese on this wedding, Andy.

On this big pompin.

Unpasteurized as well.

That's where he bumps the bills up.

We need to be distracted, and that is why CNN is reportedly sending over 150 people to cover the wedding.

In contrast to that, they had 50 people in Japan and virtually no one in Libya.

And that's because they know what matters.

It's time for us all to stop looking into the abyss and start looking at something shiny instead.

This has always been the case, Andy.

When things get too depressing in the world, the royal family step forward and one of them gets married.

Look at 1981.

Reagan was shot.

The Pope was shot.

AIDS was discovered.

Apartheid was still going.

So Charles and Diana got married so we could all ignore it for a bit.

Then, in 1986, Uganda was raging in civil war.

Half a million people were killed.

The space shuttle Challenger exploded.

There were kidnappings in Beirut and there was the Chernobyl disaster.

Someone clearly had to do something, so Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson got married.

It didn't matter that both couples were fatally flawed and terribly incompatible, it was about something bigger than them.

They entered terrible marriages so that for just one day, people could be distracted from the world around them.

And let's not forget, in the summer of 1986, the England cricket team lost home series to both India and New Zealand.

So, I mean, they've got really dark times for this country.

I can't believe I prioritised Chernobyl over that, Andy.

I'm sorry.

And now, there's uprising in the Middle East, tsunamis in Japan, and we're stepping up to the plate again in Britain.

Don't worry, world, we've got this.

Break out the crown polisher, we're putting on a show.

There must have been a fk of a lot of problems in the world in the early 16th century,

by Henry VIII.

I was a very public-spirited man.

But there is relatively little excitement here, John.

There's very few applications for street parties

to be held compared with certainly the Charles and Diana wedding and the Queen's Jubilee in 1977.

I think the reason there's a number of reasons for this.

As a nation we simply aren't quite as impressed by shiny hats as we used to be.

Also, you know, William and Kate didn't come and wave flags at my wedding, so why the f do they expect me to do so at theirs?

Also the magic of royalty was destroyed when scientists proved that princesses could only feel a pea under their mattresses if they'd been leaked information about the presence of the pea by court insiders.

And also

also also destroyed when Prince Charles still looked like a frog even after the 1981 royal wedding.

So, all these myths about royalty sort of fizzled away.

And also, if we, the taxpayers and voters, are forking out for it, when we would have preferred the Prince's wife to have been democratically elected, or at least for the wife to be randomly selected on the day from 300 lottery winners, which is also how Henry VIII used to do it.

And of course, some people in Britain are simply firebrand Republicans who will not rest until the entire royal family are on a one-way train ticket to Siberia again.

So, um, so I guess that's you know, we're just not as excited as we might have been.

But um,

I'm sure when it comes to your wedding later in the year, that's the one that Britain is really getting uh getting revved up for.

Absolutely, yeah.

How's the seating plan coming on?

Because uh,

I want to sit next to Bill Clinton, if that's all right.

Um, so I'd put you on a pretty decent table at my wedding.

So, uh, I want Clinton, I want Gillenhall, preferably the girl one, and I want uh, I want Beres.

The girl one

Top story this week.

F everything else that's happening in the world.

The wedding is nearly here.

And I know I'm not alone in thinking this because the sheer number of news crews that have been descending all week on London, the 32-time capital of the entire world.

But the upcoming royal wedding is the only thing that anyone in their right mind should be giving a shit about at the moment.

I think most international news organizations are going to be sending a very coherent message over the next seven days and that message is Yemen f it.

Syria f it Fukushima nuclear plant f it royal weddings f yeah

the the scene of the scene of elaborate media center construction outside Buckingham Palace is really a sight to behold.

If aliens were to land on earth and were to park their ship on the mall leading up to Buckingham Buckingham Palace and saw the sheer amount of media trucks, camera positions and broadcast satellites built on the side of the road, they would think, well, this must be the most important thing happening on the planet right now.

There can clearly be no bad things happening anywhere else at this one time.

So focused are these humans on this single event.

These must be the two most important people on Earth.

And you know what?

They'd be right, Andy.

Because as we've said before, the world is in such a precarious, troubled place at the moment that it seems that we're all using this event as an emotional anesthetic just to dull the pain of life on earth.

In fact, the most appropriate song for William and Kate to walk down the aisle to after the wedding would be Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd.

And the crowds of people lining the streets shouldn't be shouting and cheering.

They should be blissfully muttering to themselves like someone who was just

injected with methadone.

Oh,

congratulations on the wedding.

Oh, that felt so good.

Oh, shit.

I think it's already wearing off.

When I was a child, I want a reason.

Well, just to get to the studio in Whopping today, John, I had to fight through crowds 30 or 40 deep

along the roads, already queuing up for the wedding in seven days' time.

And estimated crowds of 1.75 billion royal worshipers will line the streets of London to wave hands, fists and middle fingers at the happy couple.

And, you know, it is, as you said, it's clearly, I think, you know, the greatest,

most important thing ever.

Probably since maybe since the Big Bang or more important than the Big Bang.

So I don't know.

All I know is that in a few million years' time, there'll be a particle accelerator in Switzerland trying to recreate the royal wedding.

They won't quite manage it, but you know, it'll be worth a go.

I know lots of people, especially in England, are uncomfortable over the amount of coverage that this story is getting, but I say to them, give in to it, shut up and give into it.

Royal fever is in the air, Andy.

Let's all go out in the cold without wearing a hat and catch it.

Top story this week.

Here comes the bride.

There goes the bride.

Now let's all go kill Prince Charles and the Queen so she can take her rightful place on the throne.

Just kidding, I'll give it six years.

Well, we did it, Andy.

We did it.

And when I say we, I mean England.

And when I say England, I mean Prince William and the woman once called Kate Middleton and who is now called, if I'm not mistaken, Kate Prince William.

I'm pretty sure that's right.

Pretty sure.

The palace have insisted that for now she will be officially referred to as Princess K-Dog.

Because she's both traditional and modern, and I think that gets that across.

Now, I might sound a little tired, Andy, but that's only because the wedding was on here at six in the morning, and I decided it was safest just not to sleep last night.

Going to bed was just too big a risk.

What if I'd slept through my alarm?

It's just too horrible to even think about.

Did you camp on the streets like everyone in London's been camping?

Yeah, I had to, I had to enter into the spirit of things.

Now, when people ask,

where were you during the royal wedding, I didn't want to have to say, what, fast asleep, dreaming about being shot by a talking seal holding a pate ball gun.

No, has that one come back, John, has it?

No, it's back.

God,

I thought I'd lost that one forever, but no, it's back and it's back strong.

That dates back to your first solo Edinburgh show, doesn't it?

Instead, now I can say I was strung out on coffee in a cold sweat jittering in front of the television.

And what a ceremony it was, Andy.

There were some surprises, certainly.

Mainly what didn't happen rather than what did.

I'd put quite a bit of money on the queen wearing a light blue hat but you know instead she wore a yellow one yeah she dressed like a banana

that was bold I don't know what she meant by that I mean she's because she's quite old now she's slightly sort of hunched over so she's I mean she really did look

more like a banana than the queen should look

I'd also put a great deal of money on the ground of the Abbey opening up after the vows to reveal a zombie Princess Diana crawling out of the fires of hell trying to drag Kate Middleton back down with her.

But that didn't happen either.

What odds did you get on that?

Two to one?

It was nine to four, but I really thought it was going to happen.

Luckily, the Royal Fly Pass went off perfectly without a hitch.

There must have been a slight concern that the pilots might momentarily forget where they were, and rather than fly past Westminster Abbey in formation, instead they might launch a series of targeted stinger missiles at it instead.

Could they not have used drones?

I mean,

this is what drones are for these days.

Use them for all high-risk missions like that.

Now, also, noticeably Kate took the obey part out of the vow and regarding the vows I also thought that she could take out the for poorer bit of the for richer for poorer part I think they'll be needing that or at least you said afterwards yeah but realistically just for richer

So as you say the guests are currently at the wedding reception at Buckingham Palace right now where they are reportedly eating royal hot dogs which is of course corgis in a hot dog barn smeared with relish and mustard.

If you think that's disgusting disgusting, ask yourself this.

Is it any more disgusting, realistically, than a regular hot dog?

Also, don't act surprised, why do you think the Queen has so many corgis?

She's been farming them for meat

for meat, Andy.

For meat and handbags.

So it was unquestionably not just the wedding of the Millennium John, but the wedding of the post-Paleolithic era, I'd say.

And as we s as we speak now, I believe the father of the bride is speaking, and Princess K-Dog is shifting uneasily on her newly royal batox

as her father starts banging on nervously about what happened to Anne Boleyn and telling her to be a very good princess just to be on the safe side.

And

Prince Harry, of course, has rattled off some crude jokes that he downloaded this morning off the internet and made some suggestive remarks about the maid of honour, who, if I'm not very much mistaken, was none other than the Italian politician and porn star La Kiciliona.

Controversial choice, but her and Kate used to play in the same roller hockey team.

Anyway, I digress.

But,

yes, it's, and of course, you know, not only is the ceremonial inaugural Royal Hump just hours, perhaps even minutes away if they can sneak out the back of the marquee for five minutes whilst the band is setting up, but the first dance must be getting imminent now, John.

True.

As revealed exclusively on the Hello Bugles Twitter feed, that first dance is going to be to the Velvet Underground's heroine.

Very much what Kate and William refer to as their song.

And Lou Reed's been involved in the choreography.

Apparently, it's going to be going to be pretty graphic, but moving.

Is it going to be both of them slumped down in the middle of the dance floor motionless?

Well, I don't want to give away any secrets, John.

I don't want to spoil the occasion.

In terms of the guest list at the wedding, there was some late controversy when it emerged that the Syrian ambassador had been invited to the wedding, which does look bad when you consider what Syria is doing to the Syrian people at the moment.

As a nation, it's basically self-harming like a depressed teenage goth.

All this provoked something of a diplomatic snafu as his invitation was revoked after government officials said it was inappropriate for him to attend.

And that's for pretty understandable reasons.

I think the wedding invitation clearly states that it's formal dress and that any guests attending cannot have been implicated in opening fire on crowds of their own unarmed citizens.

And you really have to make a choice whether you want to go or not.

Do you want to go to the wedding or do you want to shoot shoot your own people and Syria made their choice I guess under the reasoning that the royal wedding is really just for one day whereas you can shoot your own people all year that's why I didn't invite Robert Mugabe to my wedding just on those self-same grounds otherwise he'd have been there and it's a shame because I think he'd have got us quite a good present the Syrian ambassador went on to say that things are settling down in Syria now but he refused to be drawn on how many people have been killed in the recent violence there again was that because he didn't know Andy or but because he's now he's lost count.

The news of his disinviting was almost unanimously welcomed, and even the shadow Foreign Secretary Douglas Alexander said, William Hague took the right decision this morning to withdraw the invitation to the Syrian ambassador.

It's crucial at this stage that we send a clear and unequivocal message to the regime in Damascus.

And what a message that seems to be, Andy.

It seems to be, if you keep slaughtering innocent people, no wedding buffet and party bag for you.

You can't say anything stronger than that, John.

I don't know how you can put it any harsher.

If they don't get the message from that, they either aren't listening or they're dead inside.

Strangely,

even though the Syrian ambassador was disinvited, the ambassador of Bahrain, which has been under martial law since the middle of March, was apparently due to attend.

And Libya's ambassador was also officially invited, but was not expected to turn up.

I'm guessing on his RSVP, he said, oh, very sorry, but my country's tearing itself apart in a brutal civil war.

Otherwise, I'd dearly love to have been there.

Please accept the enclosed griddle pan as a token of the Libyan nation's esteem.

The Syrian ambassador spoke to the BBC and said he was, quote, a little bit embarrassed at having his invitation withdrawn, but he wished the couple the best of luck.

Now, is that the same kind of luck that he wishes the Syrian pro-democracy activists?

Oh, I'll wish you the best of luck with your protests, by which I mean best of luck dodging the bullets that will be firing at you.

The very best of luck with that.

Well, it did.

There were representatives from North Korea and Iran at the wedding, apparently.

So, you know, I guess, you know, just building bridges, John.

Building bridges.

You know, after all, you know, what is the royal family apart from

the best cooperation between Britain and Germany that's ever existed?

You're right, Andy.

North Korea is there, and that's got a sting.

If you are not invited to the wedding, but you see the ambassador from North Korea there, that has to be a slap in the face.

And it does seem a gamble having someone representing Kim Jong-il in the room for when they say, does anyone have any objection to this union?

Presumably, Kim Yong-il sent them with orders to shout something absolutely insane out at that point.

They are his representatives, after all.

I'm sure he said, now, at that specific moment, I want you to shout something out loud about how I'm the greatest.

Okay, just I'll leave that up to you.

But that's the tone I want to strike.

It might not be directly answering the question that the Archbishop's just posed, but I really think it's worth pointing out loudly at that moment.

So not only was the Syrian Syrian ambassador invited and representatives from North Korea, but not invited were the two previous prime ministers, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.

Downing Street have denied this had any political angle to it.

Oh, sure, yeah, sure.

When you're inviting someone from North Korea and not your predecessor in 10 Downing Street, then you are making an infantile political point.

And a St.

James's Palace spokesman explained this by saying this is a private wedding, not a state occasion.

For a private wedding, they made quite a song and dance about it.

So do check out the updates that I put up on the Bugle Twitter feed at Hello Bugleers and I'll just leave you with this this thoughts about the wedding John.

If we'd lost the Second World War that wedding would have happened in Leipzig.

Oh that makes you think doesn't it?

Why that really brings it home.

Nudity news now and Andy when we went on break the royal family was on a pretty impressive run of not being caught naked in public ever since Queen Victoria was caught flashing her ass on the Buckingham Palace balcony after losing a bet and now Prince Harry has been caught stark bollock naked in photos in Vegas and Kate Middleton has had her waps splashed across the magazines thanks to a French cameraman with a long lens and statistically a tiny penis catching her sunbathing topless.

The photographs were taken when she was sunbathing on a private holiday at a French chateau in Provence.

And here's the problem Andy, these things always come in threes.

So who's next?

Is Prince Philip going to be photographed with his balls hanging out of his trunks as he climbs out of a swimming pool?

Because I would really rather that that did not happen.

Really?

Really, John?

You have changed since you went to America.

You've changed.

There's an elemental curiosity that wants to see what they're like.

It has been an extraordinary media story.

It could have been a really unremittingly depressing news month with institutionalised cover-ups of the Truth of Britain's worst sporting disaster, tax evasion, just a series of deeply joyless stories.

Britain not just plumbing its moral depths, but installing a fully fitted bathroom complete with the world's most advanced moral B-day to wash away the shit.

And on top of all that, a woeful lack of any more Olympic medals.

But luckily, the Furo of the future Queen's Royal Wapettes has saved the media day, John.

And I would have to say, this probably

this story of a happily married young couple spending some time together, unquestionably the biggest sex scandal to hit these shores since a caveman from Wiltshire was caught trying to have it off with Stonehenge in July 2460 BC.

And

the Duke and Duchess were left to try to douse the international media inflagration with the traditional petrol of PR and lawsuits, whilst on an extremely private tour of the Pacific Islands, where they would have been left completely alone but for the fact that, by unlucky coincidence, all of the world's media's royal correspondents happened to be on a trip to the same places to make a wildlife documentary about the endangered Pacific beaver snake.

And the royal couple just happened to keep getting in the way of their cameras.

The prince and his alleged wife, has that actually been confirmed yet?

I never trust anything I see on the telly these days, carried out important official functions such as watching local people dance, being carried around on litters like the 18th century Imperial supremacists, all of us Britons still secretly dream that they are, and smiling in an array of pretty dresses.

On the tour they encountered local dancers who were unashamedly and ironically topless as they waggled their whaps in Kate Middleton's recently whapped face.

By contrast with the princess, they seemed perfectly happy to be filmed with their chester tomicles out, given that they are, as scientists now believe, fairly common appendages on the female Homo sapiens.

Here in London, John, a city that is rumoured previously played host to at least one and probably two of Princess the Duchess of Her Royal Cambridge Highness Kate Middleton's bloops, clothed mostly, but at times unclad.

I mean, there's been talk of little else.

Rumours now suggesting that she will in fact have her breasts encased in stone cladding to ensure this does not happen again.

Good idea.

I mean it was historically inevitable, John, that this would happen in France, that the Waparazzi would get her the.

The French, of course, have preferred their royalty topless ever since the late 18th century.

Kaboom!

Make that Marie Antoinette.

The uh the royal family immediately launched legal action over the French photographs, but uh they seem to have forgotten that there is something called the internet now, which means that getting something banned in print is close to meaningless.

And magazines in other countries have gone ahead with reprints of the pictures anyway.

Swedish celebrity magazine Sey Ochoya uh have published the topless photos.

I know that you yourself have had problems with Sei Ochoya as well, haven't you, Andy?

Didn't they publish topless shots of you on holiday in Spain last year?

Yeah ladies, I'm one of those.

One of these bloody Swedes let me live my own life.

Eating a ham.

After everything the Vikings did on these shores.

I think it was through those pictures.

That was when the world found out that you have a very intricate architectural drawings of the Brooklyn Bridge tattooed on your back and a huge tattoo of Tina Turner in concert on your stomach.

Yeah, but that does not affect

me as a human being, John.

That's not my business.

Mine and Tina Turner's business.

She was less happy with having Andy Zoltzmann tattoo on her chest, to be honest.

Tit for tat.

It was the hair transplant that really got the alert.

The Danish edition of the same magazine was set to publish the photos as well yesterday.

A three-page spread, including 11 pictures, including one which shows Kate Middleton partially removing her bikini bottoms.

And the editor-in-chief, Karina Lerkfist, said, this is nothing unusual.

These are quite nice pictures if you compare them with the other celebrity pictures that we publish all the time.

Yes, yes, yes, Karina.

Except this isn't just a celebrity picture, is it?

It's a member of the royal family.

She's not Lindsay Lohan falling out of a car with no underwear with her vagina pointed towards the heavens.

She's married to the future King of England.

The only way this might possibly be news was if the photos showed that it turned out she had a penis and that she was set to become Britain's first official drag queen.

Or, John, I mean that

I think, I think clearly it was a massive invasion of privacy, but I think they've overreacted and have made it much more of a story than it needed to have been.

And I think they're trying to hide something.

And I think when we see higher-res pictures than those rather grainy, sordid long-range shots we've seen,

she must have some kind of embarrassing tattoo.

I mean, it could be of a profit.

I mean, we don't, I'm not saying which profit, but I'm just saying if that is the case, that would be a story.

That would be an issue.

Yeah.

That is why they're trying to suppress these pictures.

In fact, the editor-in-chief of the Danish magazine said that the pictures will show Denmark what these photos are all about.

And, you know, it's not like the Danish have a history of bad judgment when it comes to inflammatory publishing, is it?

So I'm sure that's fine.

But I tell you what this situation needs, Andy, and I am Spartaga's moment.

The Brits need to step up, step up.

We need to defend our princess and mobilise ourselves as a nation.

All British people should head straight to Provence now and start waving our genitals around at any photographer that moves.

Genitals, John?

I think you just

need to

consult a biology textbook, Derny.

I'm talking about taking it up a notch, Alice.

Distraction tactics.

That's right.

If they've come at us with swords, we need to fire back at them with bazookas.

Well,

it does, I mean, let's put this in perspective.

I mean, there are a lot of photos of the Princess of Cambridge,

and the vast majority do show her with her clothes fully on.

So, on balance, she is still ahead of the eight ball, or at least ahead of Prince Harry's eight balls, which was a genetic mutation revealed by those Vegas photos caused by centuries of royal inbreeding.

But we don't want to think of princesses having anatomicals like ordinary human women do, but Kate Middleton actually, according to scientists, shares more than 70% of the same DNA as ordinary British women.

And of course, she's not the first royal to sports a pair of

what I believe technically, biologically known as Mamarianike Glandioli.

Amongst other royal figures confirmed or assumed to have had breasts include the 17th century Charles II consort Catherine of Bragranza, between four and six of Henry VIII's known wives, newsreader Anna Ford, Queen Mary II and the girl with one eye from Futurama who is of course a direct descendant of 19th century King William IV.

Can we go back a second?

Yep.

Beaver snake.

Wow, that's not going back a second, Chris.

You go through a mountain of bullshit to get there.

That wasn't supposed to be a...

That does sound quite sexual, doesn't it?

I have to say, I haven't listened to any of the last six or seven minutes since then.

It has also been suggested, John, that this whole story shows continuing misogyny in the media.

that the sexual objectification of women continues deep into the supposedly more equal and enlightened 21st century.

And in response, I would say to that, well, if Eve hadn't eaten that apple, none of this would have happened.

Wow, that's the misogyny double down, Andy.

But also, it does rather suggest, John, I mean, there's been a lot of criticism of the media in this,

but I think we need to point some more fingers here, John, because those magazines have been flying off the shelves.

Yes, quite.

So,

I mean,

the public is not entirely blameless here.

It turns out, you know, the public might like princesses, but they also like breasts.

And maybe that relationship is doomed to end in pain.

I guess also we all have regrets.

Maybe Kay Milton now regrets disrobing.

You know, anyone could have seen, anyone could have seen him from a public road if they happen to be passing with an industrial strength telescope.

Literally anyone.

Maybe she regrets that.

And I think Barack Obama probably regrets after bumping off Osama bin Laden that he did not use the words, America, we have hit the crackpot jackpot.

Because if he said that, John, he would now be moonwalking back into office.

And the question is:

you know, will these lawsuits stop the Waparazi trying to photograph princesses in future or attempting to get Le Civi snaps of the great and famous flobbing around with their frontist pieces and back accessories out?

Well, is the Pope a professional dance instructor?

By which I mean almost certainly not.

Top story this week: Bugle Royal Special.

Stop everything you're doing, everybody on earth.

Stop everything that you are doing.

We're having a baby.

Britain is having a baby.

Andy,

it would have been so easy to not do a bugle this week

with our current geographical circumstances.

It just may be that this bugle will sound a little worse than usual as you have to do it down a phone line.

But there was nothing that could possibly stop us when the came out that Kate Middleton has a tiny person in her stomach.

It happened, Andy.

You go away for one week, Andy, just one week, and a princess gets pregnant.

Don't tell me that that is just coincidence.

Yeah, there is absolutely no other news in the world this week.

It's basically not the week that the imminent birth of Jesus was leaked to the gospel hacks in North, BC.

And I cannot believe, John, that I have been

4,944 miles away from home on the greatest day in the history of of the British nation since the invention of the sandwich.

What a day when all the nation's problems and all the cares of the world melted away at the news of the miracle child, the magic tot, who will surely bring a new Eden to all remaining corners of our glorious empire, albeit that the only bits left of that empire are the Falkland Islands, Gibraltar, membrane service station on the M4 motorway, at least since we wrested control back from the Mexicans in a bloodthirsty guerrilla raid, and of course, England.

But these are great days, John.

Great days.

How has America reacted?

Well, you know, I mean, as far as I can see down there, Spider-Man has started punching the air, Andy, and he looks happier.

So the magic child is already working its little magic.

I mean, the fact is, it's all over the news here as well, because nothing else has happened this week.

Or if it has, it frankly doesn't matter.

Because Kate Middleton is the proud owner of some fertilized eggs.

She will now, as is tradition, curl up in a nest, and Pippa Middleton will sit on her for the next seven months to assist the incubation, occasionally giving her food by regurgitating it into her mouth.

The Royal family have some strange but deeply rooted traditions, Andy, as we both know.

The news came out when it emerged that Kate Middleton had been admitted to hospital earlier in the week, suffering from acute morning sickness.

Seconds later, all the major news agencies were pulling their journalists from Cairo, Damascus and Afghanistan to send them to stand outside the hospital for no discernible reason whatsoever, shouting at any doctor who walks past, where's the baby?

We demand to see the baby.

Release the baby right now.

As shaken doctors attempted to point out that the baby would not be born for at least another six months, the journalists finally snapped, screaming, why the cover-up?

Release the baby right now.

This is a conspiracy.

She's going to try and smuggle that tot out inside her womb.

There you go.

We'll be back next week with Bugle 241.

In the meantime, you can get your Bugle merch and take out your voluntary subscription if you haven't done so yet And this podcast means anything to you in quantifiable financial terms, and you want to keep it going and independent and free unless you've actually paid for it.

Anyway, for BuglePodcast.com, come see me and Chris in the greatest test recordings in Hackney on the 17th and Brighton on the 24th.

And above all,

happy baby day.

Whenever that may or may not, but it probably will.

It will be, it will be definitely within the next three months.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.