Bugle 232 – Mars, Merchandise and Mad Men!

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The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 232 of the Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World for the week beginning Monday the 29th of April 2013 The first week of the rest of your lives,

as indeed is any week.

With me, Andy Zoltzmann, a 38-year-old father of

two,

and one of the many people not involved in deciding the 19th-century cliffership, the Cutty Sark, a bit of an opportunity missed.

And in New York City, USA, it's the man who needs no introduction.

Hello, Andy!

Hello, Peucus!

Okay, Andy, what makes me

I'm afraid I have to start this bugle in a similar way to last week's as it turns out that there is yet another issue to correct regarding my ongoing hot and cold relationship with the entire nation of Australia.

So for a while back there Andy, it seemed like I was back in Australia's good books.

The pieces on gun control have apparently been going viral around Australia, getting half a million hits on one website in just a few days.

then Andy came the doubters not a surprise I believe it was mousy tongue who said haters got hate

one one Australian paper ran a story this week with a headline saying the daily shows John Oliver didn't really drop the f-bomb on John Howard and this caught my eye particularly because I distinctly remember that I did drop the f-bomb Andy I dropped it right on his f ⁇ ing head

the The article read, a source close to Mr.

Howard checked and said the former Prime Minister doesn't recall the use of the phrase whoop-de-finging do during the interview.

It appears the comment was digitally stitched into the clip afterwards.

Vision editors who spoke to Visitors Insider said the key moment at about three minutes 28 seconds into the clip looked clearly edited.

The back of Howard's head is motionless and there's no reaction when Oliver drops the F-bomb.

It's been composed for sure, said one film producer at a digital agency.

It's a bit of editing trickery.

Hey, f you!

I'm named Digital Agency, And just for the record, I'm saying that right now and not digitally stitching it in afterwards.

This is, I refuse to be treated like the JFK assassination tape, Andy.

And as for the quote, the former Prime Minister doesn't recall the use of the phrase whoop-de-f ⁇ ing doo during the interview.

Oh.

He remembers Andy.

He remembers.

Just like I remember his face in the seconds after I said it.

Because I'm guessing from his reaction, it's probably the first time he's ever had someone say whoopty f ⁇ ing do to him in an interview, or indeed in any scenario.

And he's...

Come on, John.

George W.

Bush must have said it to him in the build-up to era.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe.

You'll do it.

Whoop-dee-f ⁇ ing do?

I can't believe you said yes.

Here's why all this hurts, Andy.

This is a question of integrity.

That's right, John.

I resent the implication that I might have any, Andy.

If you don't think that I'm enough of an asshole to say whoop-de-f ⁇ ing do to the face of someone who for over a decade was a major world leader, then you just, you don't know me at all.

It's an attempted character assassination on me, Andy, and it won't work because you cannot assassinate the character of someone who doesn't have one.

Take your best shot.

I'm a moral husk.

And if you don't believe this is actually recorded today, the 26th of April 2013, you can certainly, if you turn up the background volume on my end in London, you can still hear the distant echo of the tears of a nation.

Yeah.

And that proves that it has been recorded since the

sad passing of Her Majesty.

Well, John, it's very interesting you should be having this dispute now because the Monday, the 29th

of April, will be the 243rd anniversary of James Cook becoming the first Brit to land in Australia.

And now...

First person ever on Australia, Andy.

243 years later, you're trying to start a war between our two nations.

I'm not trying to do anything, Andy.

I've been trying to give them a compliment.

I'm just like...

Televisual form.

I just, I don't know.

It's a communication breakdown.

It's the 26th of April, 25th of April.

Yesterday, of course, was the 60th anniversary of Crick and Watson publishing their Smash Hit research article

describing their discovery of the classic double helix structure of DNA that we've all come to know, love and rely on so much.

And this somewhat distracted attention from other research papers published in the scientific world the very same week, back in 1953, including Professor Eric Frange's Wasp Swallowing and Esophageal Pain, a Causal Study.

Dr.

Hornelian Lapat's Investigations into the Ballistics of Seedless Grapes from the International Journal of of Food Fighting Science, and Deal Harwati and M.

Prince McGonagall's Studies in the Symbiosis and Biomechanics of Vocal Infection Flexion and the Facial Snare, which remains one of the most influential papers in the science of sarcasm to this day.

It's a really interesting read.

443 pages of it.

A real conversation starter.

Just a quick message for whoever signed the Bugle podcast's email address up for the ChristianMingle.com dating website.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

A.

Thanks very much.

It's always nice to get mail.

B, turns out the bugle is surprisingly well matched with a lot of Christian honeys.

Oh, that's good.

That's nice to know, isn't it?

Worst date I've ever had.

Oh,

very good.

And C, I'm very sorry, Lady Jesus fans.

This podcast has no time for romance.

We're all about business.

Besides, if I personally, I'm going to leave or upgrade my current wife.

I really want to try a Jewish one next time.

As always, the section of the Bugler is going straight in the bin.

And

let me just say, Buglers, that is not an encouragement for you to now sign us up for a Jewish dating website.

Or a dating website of any other major

insignificant world.

You just guaranteed our way onto J-Date by next Friday, have we?

As always, a section of the people is going straight in the bin.

This week, an animal beauty section, How to Shave a Horse, Waxing Your Gecko, Is It Unethical?

And Silicon Implants, Utterly Ridiculous, or Could They Make Your Cow Feel Even Milkier.

Plus, a preview of the world ignoring championships at the Nantwich Bucket Exchange.

The leading contenders, home favourites Gary Stramp and Betsy Cockridge from the Dorset Disdains Club, will be looking to repeat last year's win in the mixed doubles, cold shouldering against their big rivals, the American pair, Lamellen Donelian of the Miami Slights and Snetel Belchik of the Oakland Overlookers.

Meanwhile, the South African trio of Holvitz van Mausenhaus, Schaefers Beck Seckenkreich, and Eudricus van f sake of the

Durban Distainers.

Looking very strong outfit again this year.

In the team Blind Eye Turning, whilst Shmuly Mohamed of the Bethlehem Blackballers, he's competing under the UN banner for obvious reasons.

All that's in the bin.

Top story this week.

Syria may have used chemical weapons.

No.

Dozens killed in Mosul violence?

No.

Unemployment in Spain hits record high?

No.

Mars rover draws penis on Red Planet?

F yeah.

Andy, is this the most important story at the moment?

Of course not.

Is it exactly the kind of story that we need after the last couple of weeks?

F yeah, it is.

And don't just take my word for it.

Take it it from the literally hundreds of mutants who've been sending this story to us since it broke.

You give the people what they want, Andy.

James Brown taught me that.

Sure he might have stood on the stage and thought what people need this evening is someone to give them a vision for how best humanity should approach its current major challenges and give them that vision with detail and clarity.

However, what these people want is an evening of wall-to-wall funk and that is exactly what I plan to funking give them.

We'll put the image of the penis on Mars on the Bugle Twitter feed.

Or you can just look it up by typing penis and Mars into the internet, which is going to get you a different result than you used to get a couple of weeks ago.

It used to be a Mars bar photoshopped onto a hamster's genitals, but now

it's the magnificent sight of a gigantic graffiti penis on the surface of Mars.

There is nothing that is not great about this, Andy.

It shows how far we've come as a species.

First, we put a man on the moon, now we've put a penis on Mars.

Don't tell me that's not progress, because if you do, I'll show you a photo of the planet Mars with a penis on it, and you will lose that argument.

Especially when that penis that we put on Mars was drawn there by a fing robot.

We choose to get a robot to draw a penis on Mars, Andy.

We choose to do it.

Not because it is easy, but because it is hilarious.

As you say, we have been alerted to this story via email and Twitter by what seems like thousands of buglers.

You could have emailed us in about many things that we've covered in the show, other stories that John suggested, Syria winning least funny country to live in

for the year 2013, not being nominated for the previous two years.

There's probably a famine somewhere.

Let's just assume there is, there usually is, and grim economic figures.

But you wrote in such numbers about the Mars penis that I have missed out on a date with 19-year-old Becky, who really loves John the Baptist.

Oh, but the question

left sitting in that Savaros pizza on her own, haven't they?

Well, of course, not on her own.

Christ was there with her.

That's just, it's so hard in a relationship.

I mean, he just had such a rippling six-pack.

I just can't compete with it.

But the question is, John, whose penis was this picture of a penis on the surface of Mars modelled on?

I mean, you have to assume this has come right from the top when we're dealing with NASA, because, you know, of course, when Apollo 8 orbited the moon, then President Lyndon Johnson instructed them to orbit the moon in the exact shape of his wife Ladybird Johnson's left buttock.

So could this be

a president's brongula?

I mean, the photo is actually from a few years ago, I think from the George W.

Bush era.

So

it could definitely be George W.

Bush's

Mandrake and Snubber chumps.

We just don't know.

We just

maybe it was the Mars Rovers' own personal protest about Bush's handling of the Iraq crisis, but perhaps it was modelled on Abraham Lincoln's Wangledang, 150 years now, after it sadly died, along with its owner after this disappointing three theatre trip, or even John F.

Kennedy's Hooter Nanakan.

That was come out in the 50th year since he was

took

that rather unfortunate car road trip.

And he was the one who ordered the moon landing off the menu of political grandstanding at Cafe Cold War.

So who knows which presidential penis that is.

Well the point is though Andy, the broader point here is this penis on Mars could technically ignite the next space race.

Who is going to dream big enough to carve a pair of breasts into Jupiter?

Your move, China.

Also, this is now a huge opportunity for terrorists, Andy.

Al-Qaeda should now be encouraged to spend all their time and energy investing in a space program to send an insurgent robot up to Mars to draw a picture of George Washington with his mouth open around the penis that he's already there.

That's, I mean, they must have the resources to do that.

It's just a question, they're just not renowned for their sense of humor, the terrorists, are they?

Yeah.

They just seem to take things too seriously.

This image proved so popular that NASA's servers were initially unable to cope with the demand for the picture, although they eventually uploaded an even higher resolution version because even they cannot deny how phenomenal this picture is, Andy.

Part of NASA's job is to capture people's imagination when it comes to space exploration.

That's how they can ensure future funding.

And what better way to do that than to go around drawing penises on all of the planets?

We all want that to happen.

Well, this is just ine it's inevitable whenever there's any technological advance.

We've seen that, of course, with the

Cernabas giant here in England.

You know, with that advance of scratching grass off the sides of hills and making shapes out of the chalk underneath.

Massive wang straight away.

The Mars Rovers

responsible.

There seems to be some dispute over whether it was opportunity or spirit, which by great coincidence were the nicknames that President Calvin Coolidge and his vice president Charles Dawes had for their respective Pinocchios.

And

here's another fact.

If you were talking to Calvin Coolidge and he said the words, should the opportunity arise, it meant he really had the hots for you.

But what are these things doing on Mars, John?

I mean, why did this happen?

Was this deliberate by NASA?

Or was this these robots just going rogue?

Because we've all seen it, John.

Graffitiing a cock and balls on something is the surest sign of teenage boredom.

And these poor f ⁇ ing robots, John, millions...

billions of miles away from the factories they once called home, piddling around on a planet that is quite clearly absolutely full to the brim with Jack K shit.

I I mean they're going to start getting bored, aren't they, John?

I mean they've sent enough messages back to NASA saying guess what guys another bit of f ⁇ ing rock I'll go well on your mantelpiece next to all the other pieces of f ⁇ ing rock I've already picked up.

So it's inevitable that the penis of the balls will be drawn as Aristotle said.

You're right.

The key dispute seems to be which of the rovers drew the penis also when it was made.

There are two Mars rovers up there as you say opportunity and spirit.

Opportunity is still traversing the surface of Mars at the moment on its way to the Endeavour crater whereas NASA lost communication with the spirit rover back in 2009 after it became stuck in some sand so okay I think that solves that mystery then Andy because spirit did it it's clearly spirit andy it's a rebellious rover that's gone off the rails faked being stuck in some sand ditched its communication equipment and has been drawing penises all over mars ever since there is there's always throughout literature science fiction literature, there's always been so much fear about robots developing the power of thought.

That's right.

But who'd have thought that when robots eventually became sentient, they'd essentially turn into 12-year-old boys?

I don't think any science fiction ever addressed that.

Well, I mean, that's, I mean,

in a lot of ways, it's

quite reassuring that that is the way they're going to go John, rather than, you know, as we always assumed in sci-fi films, to destroy the human race.

Teenage boys, basically.

Scientists have been quick to claim that this is probably a mistake with one pointing out that all the rovers have six wheels, three on each side and they leave behind two parallel tracks when they're traveling in a straight line.

When the rover has to make a turn the wheels rotate in place to put the robot in the desired direction for the next leg of its trek.

If the turn is significant enough you get a nice set of circles at the end of a pair of parallel tracks.

Yeah, that's right.

And what did you just describe there?

What you described sounds like a penis.

And what the rover did looks like a penis.

I think we're all on the same page here, Andy.

And whether it was an accident or not doesn't matter.

Religious people may claim it was an act of God.

The point is, we can all agree that it's a wonderful thing we can all enjoy.

You would hope that warring factions around Earth would tonight drop their weapons, join hands, and stare together up at the sky, knowing

that there is a penis on Mars and that that knowledge is somehow bigger than all of us.

From the robot's perspective, it's a great resignation letter.

It isn't the best.

See you later.

Here's a picture of a cock.

I think we just lost spirit.

Of course the great irony is, John, that the ancient Greeks and the ancient Romans very much pioneered the

use of the penis and balls.

And if they hadn't pissed their civilizations up the wall, we would all probably already be living on Mars right now and wouldn't be wondering what all this fuss is about.

Now, NASA of today issued a statement on this.

It's just come through on their website.

We have become aware that serious allegations have been made, both within the astronautical community and without, that one of our rovers may have drawn a giant penis and balls on Mars.

As an organization dedicated to the furtherance of humankind's knowledge of space and all the stuff in it and shit like that, NASA has always been strongly opposed to the pornographic action of space, despite the shape of many of its rockets.

However, if the allegations do prove to be true that one of our rovers unilaterally drew a massive wang on Mars, we would like it to be seen in the context of the history of human expression.

Michelangelo drew loads of wangs on the Sistine Chapel ceiling, and no one gave him any shit for it.

The classical sculptor Praxiteles of Athens sculpted all kinds of dudes and honeys with their junk waggling out all over the place and everyone says he was a fing genius.

So cut our rovers some fing slack and cut us some slack.

There's nothing to do in space.

That's why it's called space.

And if they put in any other shape, you'd only be complaining about us being boring old NASA, being scientific again.

We can't win.

Furthermore, who says we weren't being scientific?

We need to know if Martians have penises or not.

If they see the Mars wang and look confused by it, we'll know they don't have penises.

If they see it and giggle, they'll know we'll know they're just like us.

If Martians do have wangs, we know they're not worth dealing with because wangs have done more to harm human productivity than any part of the body apart from the brain.

Sincerely, NASA.

So

Churchill famously said, democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others.

And well if you want to know what he meant, just take a look at the Bugles email inbox this week.

You people have a lot to answer for.

Check in news now.

And Andy, whenever Chechnya has been in the news in the past, it's usually been because some Chechens are either throwing something at Russia or that Russia is throwing something much bigger and louder back at them.

Unfortunately, after the Boston bombings, Chechnya is on the map for Americans for a different reason.

Not necessarily on the map geographically accurately, though, because after it emerged that the Boston bombers were ethnically Chechen, the Czech ambassador to the United States felt the need to release a statement that the Czech Republic and Chechnya were completely different places.

He was apparently motivated to do this after getting worried about seeing some people getting confused online.

so he released a statement saying as more information on the origin of the alleged perpetrators is coming to light i'm concerned to note in the social media a most unfortunate misunderstanding in this respect the czech republic and chechnya are two very different entities the czech republic is a central european country chechnya is part of the russian federation going on to say for f

sake

there's there's no way that that was not the original way that his statement ended and he either chose to edit it out himself or other people edited out for him, but there's no way that it wasn't there.

So let's take a look at Chechnya, seeing as it has unexpectedly become explosively relevant to the US in recent weeks.

The Chechen leader is a man called Ramzam Kadarov.

And after looking into him a bit, it turns out he is f ⁇ ing ridiculous, Andy.

With the loss of Kim Jong-il, Chavez and Gaddafi, and with Ahmadinejad on his way out.

in the near future.

The bugle is looking for a new notch of Andy.

And frankly, I think we may have just found him uh kadarov is 36 he's got seven children good start

just this week kadarov beat up his own sports minister in a boxing ring and uploaded the photos of it to the internet

i mean i could give you some more detail on it but already that is a fine dish to chow down upon yep that's sounding strong strong

decisive leadership Yeah, Kadarov said he taught the sports minister a lesson after he noticed that the ministry building building in the capital Grozny was badly in need of repair.

So he decided to, and I quote, rectify his behaviour by beating the shit out of him in the guise of giving him a boxing lesson.

Apparently, Kadyrov is an experienced boxer, and he told his followers on Instagram that he has that in the course of this dialogue, or rather sparring, he gently and unobtrusively explained to the minister with the help of the right and the lend the left hook that he should start using his head.

And that is a sensational way to hold a meeting.

Isn't that technically what Margaret Thatch used to do with her cabinet, Andy?

I seem to record these.

She used to make them all stripped to the waist and then she'd walked in and starts smashing them with a baseball bat while giving them detailed instructions of how to communicate the upcoming budget.

Really, I'd heard it was just a stiletto hovering over the eyeball.

But I mean, because this is all part of politics, isn't it?

Threatening and beating up disruptive politicians.

I mean, that's as old as the hills.

So you've got to give the guy credit for putting it on Instagram.

It just shows the wonders of modern technology.

And now, at least, you know, when your leaders are threatening their own ministers with physical violence.

Yeah.

Of course, you know, it's a great history of this.

You don't need me to tell you that much of the Yalta Agreement was settled by means of a series of games of slaps, whilst Queen Victoria used to hold William Gladstone in a headlock every time he went to tell her what shit was going down in Parliament, growl at him and insist that she called her Winifred.

A few more details on this magnificent lunatic.

Kadarov has come under heavy criticism due to alleged corruption and human rights violations.

Classic.

Touch both boxes there.

Having been personally implicated in several instances of torture and murder, tick-tick, amidst rumours that he has a 300-name murder list.

So let's just hope that doesn't become 302 after this.

But so far, so crazy.

It's crazy to join the queue, isn't it, the case?

Yeah, but if you like a little Berlusconi-level spiciness in your tyrant taco, then Kadyrov can help you there too, because he also has a pretty good sequence of sex scandals.

In 2006, a Chechen separatist website posted a short video shot on a mobile phone of a party in a sauna involving two alleged prostitutes and several men, including one who looks and sounds exactly like Kadarov.

He was seen dancing with a young, half-naked woman and trying to rip her bra off.

Another man then starts masturbating in front of them.

Boom, Andy!

He just out Berlusconi's Berlusconi.

Your move, Silvio.

Now, that doesn't sound like the Thatcher years.

That definitely sounds

more like Harold McMillan's time.

The Chechen Leader spokesman explains that the boxing incident was, quote, intended as a joke for people with a healthy sense of humour.

Let's see how many of Kadaroff's other jokes crack the audience up one day when he's riffing about them in The Hague, as seems quite likely given his questionable human rights record, possibly one of the most questionable records since Rage Against the Machine did a cover version of the birdie song.

Kadarov has the same attitude towards dissenting voices as Tiger Woods has to golf balls.

He either wants to hit it as hard as possible or make it disappear, or put loads of spin on it to make it stop, or do the same thing to it a hundred times in a row on a driving route.

I've taken this too far.

But he's certainly not a man who is afraid to use his presidential sledgehammer to crack his opponents in the nuts.

But wait, Andy, because his behavior actually gets weirder.

According to a classified WikiLeaks cable also from 2006, one diplomat recalled a lavish wedding attended by Kadarov, in which guests threw $100 bills at child dancers and which had a night-time water scooter jaunt on the Caspian Sea.

It's going to be my special day.

I want everything to be perfect.

And apparently, Kadarov gave the newly married couple a five-kilo lump of gold.

Not only that,

he owns a Lamborghini Reverton, one of only 20 made, and has a large collection of Chechen daggers.

I guess you can't really have one of those without the other.

And on 5th of October 2011, he celebrated his 35th birthday with a ludicrously lavish party in which he flew in Hollywood stars like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Hilary Swank and had music from Seal.

And when asked where all the money for this celebration came from, he reportedly laughed and then said, Allah gives it to us, before adding, I don't know, it comes from somewhere.

That's just two different ways of phrasing the same sentence.

Also, Andy, I think it's clear.

For his 37th birthday, let's go out there and let's do a live bugle for us.

Sure, it'll be the last bugle we ever do, but what a way to go out.

Well, what a way.

Five kilo lump of God.

What are you going to do with that?

Doesn't matter.

Because you'll get wedding presents.

But every time he goes around, they're going to have to get it out and put it on the mantelpiece, aren't they?

That's true.

Wear it around their neck.

I was a a big sports fan as well, Kadarov, which, you know, for all his other major flaws as

clearly a murderous despot, let's call it what he is.

But he's a big sports fan, so you know, every cloud.

He was watching Tarek Grozny, the big team from Chechnya of which he was president for seven years, and they had a player, they had their captain sent off.

And Kadarov grabbed the announcer's microphone and laid into the referee over the stadium PA system.

He started shouting, the referee's been bought off and said, you jerk.

Now, that is the behavior you want from your head of state.

And I think it's one of the Queen's many failings that she has never really behaved like that in our country's times

of sporting need.

You know, I want her to be there watching the Ashes this summer on the balcony at Lourdes with a loud hailer shouting, are you fing blind umpire?

That was clearly LBW.

Also, Andy, you jerk.

I'm willing to bet that jerk is the gentlest possible translation of what he actually shouted at that referee.

Kadarov later said, sorry to fans, but not to the official, insisting that he deserved to be called corrupt.

And that is the insult double down, Andy.

He apologised to people who didn't need to be apologised to and refused to apologise to the one person who did.

That's a difficult move to pull off, Andy.

Tough to stick that landing, but he did it beautifully.

But he shouldn't have been punished for crapping the microphone, Andy.

He should have been given a microphone so that he could commentate live over the PA during every game and scream abuse at the referee for the full 90 minutes.

Because you know who would have complained about that?

Nobody, Andy, because everyone is justifiably terrified of him.

Hang on, buglers.

What's that sound?

Is that the sound of retail history being made?

Yes, it is, because finally, after five and a half years of ruthless commercialism, the bugle merchandising operation is off the ground.

Unless anything goes wrong between me recording this now at about three o'clock, and the proposed launch of the Bugle merch site later this afternoon.

So by the time you hear this, it should all be up and running.

You'll be able to link to it from thebuglepodcast.com where of course you can also take out your voluntary subscriptions and john this

is really it it's finally happening happening a bit faster in the uk than the us due to certain technical issues which means that we won't be able to ship in the us for a little bit but the website is there and i assume we'll be able to send it around the world as well uh might cost you a bit more but that's your fault for living in a stupid country um i'm talking to you australia i want to get a piece of this uh

everything uh

it's It's got everything you could possibly want.

The Bugle merch site, provided that what you want is a t-shirt, a baseball cap, a mug, or a bumper sticker with the bugle written all over it.

And the t-shirt really, I mean, it's an amazing product.

This complimentary holes for arms.

Yes, it's a t-shirt, but it's so much more.

It's a label that you understand humanity.

In fact, if you wear the bugle t-shirt, you might as well wear an I'm your official glide to planet Earth poncho because when people see you in your bugle t-shirt, they're going to think this guy and/or girl knows what he's talking about.

And they'll be asking you for advice on everything from how to solve the Syrian crisis to where the nearest stockbroker or toilet is.

This is the must-have accessory for all people with a torso that needs to be covered up for fear of shame or divine retribution.

These t-shirts are inedible but kosher and will suit all of the three main genders men, women and old people.

There's also the bugle baseball cap.

It's almost like the human head was designed for wearing hats.

Some argue it's the vice of that versa.

But now isn't the time for philosophy.

You can wear the bugle baseball cap even if you're not a pro baller or even a baller at all.

Whatever a baller.

What is a baller?

What is what's a baller for?

Andy, Andy, you're very good at commercials.

If this is any indication you've been wasting your life

or a 30-second

whether you need a hat for shielding your eyes in the blinding light of the truth within the bugle, or for camouflaging your face in the prying lenses of the paps, this hat has it all.

You could probably get away with using it as a religious headgear, too,

if you get it blessed by someone in a cape or beard.

Might not fool anyone as a mitre, but I reckon you could swing it as a Yamulka.

It's also legal for everyone to wear it, although we'd rather didn't, just for the sake of the brand.

We'll leave that up to you guys

to judge your own status on that.

We're not prescriptive.

Now, what about the bugle mug?

Are you sick and tired of your coffee tasting of regret?

Every cup of tea accompanied by the haunting echo of human misery?

Then the bugle mugs will turn turn your life around.

Both the regular bugle logo mug and the world-exclusive eulogy mug come fully equipped with handles for improved hand feel.

But also a cylindrical central reservoir in the classic style, capable of holding up to 20 litres of hot beverage in more than one go.

Ideal for all conceivable drinks apart from coconut and snake blood, which should be drunk straight from the coconut and/or snake.

Do not smash the bugle mug without express written permission from the bugle.

These mugs have not been voodoo tested as yet, made of solid pewter or porcelain.

And then, what about the bumper sticker?

Well, very much the jewel in the retail crown of the bugle operation.

You put a bugle bumper sticker on your car, and you are exempt from all motoring legislation for up to 1.2 seconds.

Be warned though, other cars will start following you just to get close to you.

You can put it in your window at home and just see the value of your property half.

Also, suitable for use as mouth tape if you're ever being interrogated by the CIA and you don't want to let anything slip that isn't total bullshit.

So there it is, buglers.

It's finally here.

I hope it works.

After...

I mean,

let's be honest, it's taken a long time.

Yeah.

But...

I mean, well done, Andy, because you're saying it's definitely there, and yet...

The tone in which you've described it just makes me assume it's all bullshit.

But let's just assume it is probably there.

And it should be there.

So I expect to, next time I talk to you next week on next week's video, I expect to be able to hear you wearing your bugle merchandise.

I expect you to be reading emails saying, where's the fing merge?

Yeah, you'll probably won't be reading that.

And they've drawn a vagina on Saturn.

Just wait till they get to Uranus.

Anyway.

Kaboom.

Bit of blue.

Now,

time for your emails.

Do we have any emails this week that were not about the penis rover?

I don't think so.

No.

Well, you're not.

Well done, Puglis.

You've done yourselves proud.

There was a picture of you as an alien.

Yep.

Was that an improvement?

It was remarkably similar to how you are now.

Do keep those emails coming in.

And just in case you have not got the message yet, we are now aware of the story of the penis on Mars.

That's

those of you who have said, I don't know if you've seen this or not, but we have now seen it.

Thank you.

Keep reading Mars coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Don't forget to visit our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

It's being rebranded.

Isn't it?

It's going to be awesome.

I mean, this is all happening.

And don't forget the merch and the voluntary subscriptions at thebuglepodcast.com.

Sports news now and man bites footballer.

It's I mean John you are a Liverpool fan and

Louis Suarez has

brought yet more attention and glory in many ways

onto Liverpool Football Club by biting someone from Chelsea which

seemed to be viewed as something he shouldn't have done.

He did claim offers that the man he bit Branislav Ivanovich had just been bitten on the arm by a poisonous snake and he was sucking the venom out.

Later changed his story and said that it was an attempted love bite as he was overwhelmed by Ivanovich's rugged Slavic good looks.

But he's now facing a 10-game ban, John.

Ridiculous, Andy.

He was provoked.

The Chelsea player in question had rubbed barbecue sauce all over his arm.

What was he supposed to do?

He lasted nearly 90 minutes.

This is the problem, John, with this 10-game ban, because it's just going to encourage copycat behaviour.

And you're going to get...

They're going to think, oh, we can get a key opposition player banned for 10 games.

That's going to be.

they're going to go beyond barbecue sauce.

There's going to be high-class bull Samic glazes going on there and, you know, a ripe mature brie.

I just don't like the way that football's going with this.

And also, I think there's just better ways to deal with it than a ban because, you know, what's up?

He's just going to sit on his ass for 10 games and rake his money.

And I think we need to really discourage football.

We need to play on their machismo and obsession with their public image.

And I think Suarez's punishment should have been to be renamed for 10 games with a girl's name.

And if he knew that he was going to be referred to as Ethel Suarez for 10 games, there is no way that he would have sunk so low.

No way.

Also, Andy, you just got to look at this in context.

He's been banned for 10 games.

And if just because you are a racist, cheating, serial fighter, that makes you a poor role model, then I guess we're just not going to have professional athletes anymore.

Yeah.

Can't have it both ways.

It's supposed to be a contact sport anyway, isn't it?

You can't take that out of his game, the biting Andy.

It's really seen in one of the cup finals, I think it was a 1953 cup final, and Stan Mortensen scores a goal when he bites the goalkeeper's head off and spits it into the net.

You can't get away with that these days.

Has the game improved or not?

I don't know.

I'm not judging it.

It's just saying it's changed.

And now you just need to look at a goalkeeper and it's a free kick.

Oh, ridiculous.

You just need to start tucking a little napkin into your top of your shirt and all of a sudden it's a yellow card.

Oh, that's not what the game's about, John.

It's a man's game and a chef's game.

That's it for this week, Googlers.

May your telescopes be at the ready to find any more wangs in space.

And do enjoy the merch, should it actually be available?

It really better be now.

We can't keep this going on much longer.

It is.

I think it's there.

Yeah, it's looking good.

Having said that, I've definitely not checked.

Yeah, but I think it's there.

Until next week, goodbye.

Bye!

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.