The Bugle – The worst bits of 2013 (so far)

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Hello buglers and welcome to Bugle sub-episode 229A.

The A standing of course for Ah, because we are taking a week off for Easter and that is the noise that most people would probably make whilst being crucified and well I cannot begin to explain the amount of empirical research that went into that line.

I am Andy Zaltzman and not with me this week for this week's non-bugle all the way from New York isn't John Oliver.

So there is no full bugle on this most holy of all weeks but anyway you're probably too busy eating chocolate eggs and or praying to the Lord and or thanking the early first millennium Judean and Roman legal systems for giving you a couple of extra days off work so you probably don't mind too much either that or you're just too busy taking out your bugle voluntary subscription at www.thebuglepodcast.com write that down actually don't write it down type it down into your web browser this podcast has already come back from the dead once even jesus hasn't managed it twice yet or once whatever's your bag so instead of a new bugle we have some bits that were too damn funny to put out when we recorded them here you go use them wisely

but did you did you enjoy the super bowl john i did andy i did you know i love a blackout me i love it it's exciting isn't it yeah i was uh

let there be light let there be less light let there be light again it's basically the world in a nutshell i did uh like the idea that you just see a shot of mrs harbour there watching her sons coaching the rival teams saying to her sons boys it's bedtime and it's lights out And when I say lights out, I fing mean lights out.

No talking.

How did Beyoncé's performance go down, John?

Pretty well, Andy.

Pretty well.

You know, she

bayonced it up, if that is the right term.

And even if it isn't, I'm saying it.

Yeah, she did pretty good.

Still from the Knowles family, I prefer Tony, the former world number two snooker player.

If I had to choose one to have dinner with.

Well, media.

If you're a snooker first in the way you judge people, as I know you are Andy, then that's always going to be the case.

That's of course where

Beyoncé and Jay-Z met when he was

doing the second round of qualifying for the World Championships in Prestatin.

He had a very tough match with Ice Cube I believe.

And look Andy they may have destroyed these documents of historic Timbuktu, but there's one thing they cannot take away and that is the inherent silliness of the name Timbuktu, Andy.

No fire can burn that.

No flame can stop that word from being silly to say.

Timbuktu really is an amazing place, not least because it has come to semantically be almost the universal reference point for somewhere incredibly physically far away.

The Oxford English Dictionary describes it as the most distant place imaginable.

And that has been true mentally as well over the last month, Andy.

Not the month, years, because it has been the most distant place imaginable from the thoughts of most journalists if you take the spectacular lack of coverage that any of this has received up to this point cats in dishwashers andy i'm telling you cats stuck in dishwashers

as always media interpretations uh of the motives behind this were pretty mixed uh some seemed to see it as a blatant neo-colonialist land grab that had been planned for ages but made to look like a sudden last-minute intervention others uh portrayed it as a cross between a justified anti-terror mission and post-colonial guilt trip conducted as a last resort when it was clear the Malian military themselves could no longer cope.

Now, after all, it is a year since the situation kicked off in January 2012.

Hang on, did I just say 2012?

Yep, I hadn't noticed that either, but to be fair, there was a hell of a lot of top-quality sport in 2012.

And I just assumed the UN had it under control.

After all, when the insurgency began early last year, the UN sprung straight into action like a coiled turd and passed Resolution 2054.

What the f?

It's only Marley.

Of course, it's not actually any longer just the French who are involved.

Britain has now announced our intention to get involved too by offering France a sizable amount of British troops if required.

Obviously, sizable amount is a willfully vague figure and also comes with this stipulation that Downing Street remains adamant British troops will play no part in combat, instead offering help around logistics, intelligence and surveillance support.

So let's take a a step back here Andy and recap what we're learning.

This means that the French have been fighting and the British have been standing around doing nothing.

Has the world turned upside down Andy?

I'm hanging out with astronauts.

The French military is leading from the front.

Popes are resigning.

Nothing I used to trust in makes sense anymore.

So what next?

for Mali?

Obviously the best advice that anyone can give them is to quickly find vast oil reserves somewhere underneath their country because that will guarantee them immediate global assistance and complete security for the future.

There is literally nothing that tweaks the heartstrings of the international community more than gigantic oil reserves, Andy.

Oil reserves are like compassion steroids.

They really improve performance of your conscience.

Well, it is true that Mali could be sitting on an absolute mummy load of minerals.

And is that the right term?

Mummy load?

I can't remember.

It could take Malians out of poverty.

Admittedly, if it works like natural resources work elsewhere in the world, it will only take about five Malians out of poverty, but at least they will be a fing mile out of poverty.

A long way, a long way out.

And driving some unbelievably non-poverty-stricken limousines.

But it's a start, John.

It works in Russia.

Why not give it a spin?

And the rest of the Malians can just dream of the happy day when, thanks to their shared mineral bounty that geology had fortuitously given them all, they will be able to proudly say that they come from the same country as an oligarch who's just chunked billions on a prominent European football club.

In other billionaire news, the Australian mining tycoon Clive Palmer has announced ambitious plans to build and launch a copy of the Titanic and sail it across the Atlantic.

Great idea.

He described it as a tribute to those who built and backed the original.

Is it

a tribute?

Only if it sinks again to show that we share their pain.

And if it doesn't sink, well, it's not a tribute.

It just starts to look like gloating.

here's what you could have won.

Apparently the ship is even going to be split into three different classes, replicating the original ship where poor immigrants took steerage whilst the highest echelons of society enjoyed purest luxury in first class.

Palmer said that he would be traveling in third class because it was more fun down there.

Listen, Andy, one, that's not true.

And two, if I'm paying for a first class ticket, I want the whole experience, which should include being able to walk down the deck, hitting those peasants with sticks.

Whack, whack.

This is fun.

Whacky, whacky, whack, whack.

Stick, stick, stick.

He joked that due to global warming, the risks of travelling through the North Atlantic waters had lessened considerably since the Titanic lost its little battle with physics.

There are not so many icebergs in the North Atlantic these days, he said.

And that's that, John is the argument we never hear with global warming.

Take that ice.

Global warming is providing belated justice for relatives of the victims of that terrible disaster.

Those icebergs have gone unpunished for 101 years now.

1,500 innocent lives on their icy hands.

Let's stick a drone on them, John.

See how they like it.

Now, of course, the apologists will say it's not icebergs that kill people.

It's people driving massive great ships into icebergs and then nearby ships failing to respond to distress signals that kill people.

And maybe they've got a point.

But it's just easier to remove the icebergs from circulation entirely.

And the main designer of the new ship, Marco Carnerva,

said, I can assure you from a safety point of view, this will be absolutely the most safe cruise ship in the world when it is launched.

Now,

I believe similar words to that have been said about extremely similar boats to this before.

And even if that's true,

that's a hard sell, John.

Precedent is an extremely tough cookie to unbake.

Just wait and see how many volunteers they get to play in the band.

Polar bear slaughtering news.

Now, an American proposal to ban the cross-border trade of polar bears has been defeated at an international summit.

And to be honest, I didn't know there was much of a trade in polar bear parts.

Have you ever bought a bit of a polar bear?

Not knowingly, Andy.

No.

No.

No, I just asked for a white bear, and I didn't know it was going to be a polar bear.

I couldn't possibly know that.

I guess when you start for Christmas presents, you're going to think, well, if only I had some dead polar bear I could give to people.

There's only about 25,000 polar bears left in the world, with an estimated 16,000 living in the Canadian Arctic.

And Canada's the only country that permits the exports of polar bear parts.

John, do you know what a polar bear pelt costs?

I'm going to guess, Andy.

I'm going to guess it costs

a full polar pelt.

Yeah.

$300,000.

Oh, it's $4,850.

Oh, my God, that's too cheap.

Yeah, I mean, it does.

Well, still, as a one-off outlie,

I mean, it seems quite a lot.

I mean, you could probably get, well, you could get, what, seven or eight pretty decent HD televisions for that.

And they've got so many more functions than the polar bear pelt.

It's that cheap for a borderline endangered animal.

it is an endangered animal isn't it i don't know if it's fully endangered but anyway though for

uh they say it's a sustainable population up there that's why they're uh the inuits say it's uh fundamental to their economy

rugs are fine yeah well i i say for you know mic four thousand eight hundred and fifty dollars i mean sounds like a you know pretty sizable sum but

yes is there at that initial outlay but it's vulnerable apparently the polar bear not endangered so it's fine basically just pop it on the barbecue

4,800.

Sounds a lot, but the look on people's faces when you charge onto a crowded beach in the middle of summer, that is priceless.

John, do you know how many animals America kills and eats every year?

Well, that is going to be a lot, actually.

That is going to be an almost nauseating number.

It's 10 billion.

1 billion in Britain, worldwide figure about 60 billion.

10 billion.

Yeah.

10 billion.

That's a lot of animals.

That's including chickens and stuff.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, well you do they are animals Andy, so you do have to include them.

But as long as we don't kill the nice and cuddly ones, it's fine.

It's absolutely fine.

Not like seals, you can't seal traders' bands.

Because it's like a cross between a nice doggy and a comfy sofa.

You can't kill that.

You can't kill that.

I don't know what polar bears are traded for.

I imagine it's probably something to do with Chinese medicine.

I imagine a polar bear penis can cure almost anything.

And the same is true of rhinos, which

Africa's rhinoceros population is in deep trouble, John, because the price of rhino horns is now more expensive than gold.

The price of rhino horn has gone up from $4,700 a kilo 20 years ago to $65,000 a kilo.

Just for a little bit of rhino horn.

Now, I mean, this makes me think if only that consignment of rhinoceros eggs I bought for £100,000 in that dodgy golf equipment shop in 1993 had hatched like they were supposed to.

I mean, I even roosted them in that big sandpit like I was told to.

The eggs are so dimply and sweet.

That's why rhinos have wrinkly skin.

But that didn't happen.

But

rhino horns are used in dagger handles in the Yemen and other places.

And that seems outdated, John.

The Iron Age was finging ages ago now.

Also used in

Chinese medicine for rheumatism, gout, and possession by the devil.

So that's it.

So, you know, I guess it's a tough call if you're feeling peaky.

I thought the best remedy for getting rid of the devil was just a day quill.

But, you know,

maybe there's a holistic solution to it as well.

Yeah, I think you've been switched, John.

You've got to go with the rhino horn.

I guess it's a tough call if you're feeling peaky.

You know, you might think, well, I love nature and shit like that.

I love rhinoceroses, but a sore throat is a sore throat.

And I've got 65 grand burning a a hole in my pocket.

I'm going to treat me to a kilo of rhino horn.

I'm worth it.

Any guesses, Chris?

Well, I went to a Jesuit school.

Really?

Did you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are they like?

Awesome.

It was quite strict.

And only one of the teachers in my reign got sent to prison for paedophilia.

Really?

Yeah, which I hear is actually quite a good strike rate.

Yeah.

And we also happened to play a sport against

a school which was named that will give the answer away.

So, shall I hold it, Buglers?

Yeah, yeah, hold it.

Yeah,

did you get it, Buglers?

It was Saint Ignatius.

Saint Ignatius.

F you, Saint Ignatius.

A modern pope is, of course, now going to be subject to instant background checks from people online.

And he has had some controversial statements in the past.

Pope Francis, he has a hard line on birth control, which may be increasingly difficult to justify considering that the same week he was announced Pope, it was also announced that up to 28% of South African schoolgirls are HIV positive.

And if that doesn't change his mind, nothing will, which of course means that nothing will.

Andy, he's described the battle against gay marriage as a war of God, which hasn't gone down entirely smoothly in Argentina, which became the first Latin American country to legalize same-sex marriage.

In fact, the president there, Cristina Fernandez de Quechua, also promotes free contraception and artificial insemination.

And when Pope Francis argued that gay adoptions discriminated against children the president said that his tone harked back to medieval times and the Inquisition to which the Pope presumably just closed his eyes Andy and sighed muttering oh happier times

simpler happier times I can almost hear the garrotting right now

oh yeah

He also seems to be quite the Argentine patriot, Andy telling Argentine veterans of the Falklands War at a mass just last year, we come to pray for all those who have fallen, sons of the homeland who went out to defend their mother, the homeland, and to reclaim what is theirs.

Whoa!

What is theirs?

Slow down, Holy Father.

That sheep-infested rock on the other side of the world is clearly ours.

Why don't you ask God about that?

He made it pretty f ⁇ ing clear to us that it was ours.

That's right.

He gave Israel to the Jews and the Falkland Islands to the Brits.

It's all in Leviticus if you read it backwards.

Fact.

Fact.

You gotta read it.

You gotta really relax your eyes and read it very fast.

It's like a magic eye picture.

Yeah.

More so.

It'll all become clear

the less you focus.

Check out your voluntary subscription to the Bugle Podcast now at thebuglepodcast.com.

Come on.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

A quick fact about

Cyprus.

Birthplace of the goddess Hottie Aphrodite.

Oh, yeah, nice.

Goddess of love, famously painted in 1485 by the Italian brush wielder Sandy Botticelli.

And according to a recent poll, 96% of male holiday makers in Cyprus described themselves as being extremely disappointed by the lack of naked hotties materializing out of giant scallop shells during their trips to the island.

So a lot of problems for this place to face up to, John.

In a not particularly encouraging omen, President Obama's armoured car broke down in Israel

after being filled with the wrong type of fuel.

The car had apparently been waiting for the U.S.

President's entourage to arrive when it was filled with diesel instead of petrol.

The owner of a local tow truck company was called by the U.S.

Consulate in Jerusalem to come and recover the vehicle.

And he told a newspaper in an interview, oh, they told me that it was Obama's car.

They didn't say what had happened to it.

They just said it had got stuck.

Only the mechanic was there when I arrived.

The driver had left in another car.

The whole thing was very funny.

And

I'm glad he was amused by that potentially catastrophic security disaster, Andy.

But at least Obama managed to lighten the mood over there.

And maybe that's worth trying.

on a bigger scale.

It's one of the only techniques that we haven't tried yet regarding a Middle East policy, a slapstick slapstick precedent.

Have your car break down.

Maybe deliver a speech in Gaza with a bit of sandwich still on the side of your face.

Maybe walk into a crucial negotiation with Nan Yahoo and Abbas and accidentally slam your own nuts into the corner of the table.

Everyone loves a nutshot, Andy.

Both of them falling over, laughing.

The ice is broken.

Boom, two-state solution.

Done.

In one of his speeches, Obama said, just as Israelis built a state in their homeland, Palestinians have a right to be a free people in their own land and urged the audience to look at the world through their eyes and then after a slight pause added preferably without blasting their eyeballs out of their eye sockets first

and uh

he also uh emphasized and i i don't i think he's probably the first person ever to say this he said that compromise was necessary for peace

has anyone ever i don't think anyone's ever suggested that before they compromise i can't even

understand what those words mean to each other.

I don't know.

No idea.

And that's all for this week's sub-episode.

I hope the subliminal advertising messages weren't too intrusive.

There will be another sub-episode next week while John is in Australia trying to kill a crocodile or something before the 230th full bugle next week.

That is a lot of bugles that most of you haven't yet paid for.

ThebuglePodcast.com.

In the meantime, goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.