Bugle 228 – Rome’s most eligible bachelor

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com

The Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 228 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday the 18th of March 2013 with me, Andy Zaltzmann, the laughter crafter who gives birth to mirth, then suckles, chuckles at the tits of wits.

And I'm live in the city of

London?

No, that would have an E on it.

How do you pronounce it?

London.

London.

London.

And joining me by the hidden witchcraft that is communications technology from New York City.

It's the Snigger Digger who unshackles cackles from the Chautle portal and serves them up for the human consumer with quip zips before planting his gag flag on the moon of lampoon.

It's the Doctor of Comedy himself.

Open your mouth and say, ha.

It's John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buggers.

I was in Virginia this week, Andy, shooting part of a piece.

And, you know, first a little background about the great state of Virginia.

Yes, Virginia is for lovers, Andy.

That's true.

But Virginia is also for lunatics.

And I think that might actually be a much more appropriate state state motto for Virginia.

It would certainly make for better t-shirts.

Just two sides of the same coin, John, lovers and lunatics.

As Chris Hune and his wife would testify.

Google it, buglers.

At one point, I found myself in a gun range, Andy's Virginia, firing a fully automatic AR-15.

It's a machine gun, Andy.

It's a f ⁇ ing machine gun.

You know, the kind that Rambo used to kill pretend people and that other people use to kill actual people.

and I remember thinking after I'd fired off around 30 rounds in just a few seconds I do remember thinking how the f am I being allowed to do this because I'm pretty sure that that's not what the founding fathers had in mind when they wrote the second amendment Andy that discussion is something of a hot topic here of course a topic so hot that just to engage in it can burn your face off but holding a weapon that powerful can really make you think I'm fairly sure the founding fathers would have no problem with muskets They'd have no problem with handguns.

But fully automatic machine guns, I'm not so sure, Andy.

And after firing one, I'm even more not sure.

In fact, I'm so not sure, I'm absolutely positive they think it was completely crazy.

Because if Thomas Jefferson went to a gun range and you put a machine gun in his hand, within seconds of pulling the trigger, he'd have sprayed bullets all the way up the ceiling and be cowering in the corner in shock, saying, What the f was that?

Holy shit!

What madness lies in that there boom boom stick?

No civilian can be allowed near these things, surely.

What?

They are?

How?

The second ma are you f ⁇ ing crazy?

That is not remotely what we intended that to be used for.

But uh b before you send me back to the past, can I just have one more go on?

Oh yeah!

How am I being allowed to do this?

So you're not tempted to uh get get fully tooled up John oh look no one's saying it's not fun Andy no one no one would fire a machine gun and say that was not a fun experience it's just whether it should be allowed that's all

well I've been in Glasgow this week for a couple of days and I've stayed in the same hotel as the rapper Neo John

I was told anyway I didn't actually see him there but I was told he was there did you not run the corridors in the night calling for him neo

neo

well i'd always assumed he was called that because he was from new york and that was and had trained as a shorthand secretary but in fact uh that's not uh that's not so he's actually called neo because that's how he likes to start conversations with a horse nay you

but um ironically london where i am from is called London after the influential 1950s Scottish skiffle music legend Lonnie Donegan, who played in the city and had a string of hit singles.

Previously, before that, before the 50s, the connoisseur was also known as London.

That goes back to Norman times when the Normans, the France-based franchise, took over England and set up London's first financial market where they traded donkeys and donkey derivatives.

Now, donkey in French is, of course, lan,

lean,

and the donkey derivatives being agriculturally crucial manure or dung, hence langdan,

a pronunciation which survives in parts of the city today.

So, whereas other parts they stick with the Lonnie Donovan pronunciation, London.

So, there we go.

Little bit of fact for you to start the show.

I bet Nio.

We have no idea, Andy, that he's inadvertently spawned such bullshit just by being in a hotel.

Is he a buddy of yours?

Mio?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I think of him as a buddy of mine.

We've not met, but yeah.

I mean, it's a one-way buddy up.

That's one of his songs, one-way buddy up.

So this is Bugle 228.

We're recording 228, the original number of eggs that Paul Newman was going to eat in the famous egg-eating scene in Koolhan Luke, largely because they had a work-experience props girl who came back from the shops with quail's eggs instead of hen's eggs.

But the scene took too long and lacked authenticity.

And a section in the bin this week.

We're recording Friday, the 15th of March, which means it is the historic 2056th anniversary of Julius Caesar having his irredeemably Roman clogs forcibly popped by a group of his buddies, including Brutus, Cassius, and a load of cranky senators, who decided he got too big for his Callie guy and bumped him off, Julius Caesar.

Of course, the 10 Times Tempest magazine's homo of the Annus.

But we ask you in our section in the bin, who is the greatest JC in history?

Is it Julius Caesar, Jesus Christ, Jackie Collins, or Jennifer Connolly?

And we'll reveal the answer in our section in the bin.

Can we actually run a survey on the Facebook page for for that?

Top story this week.

Ollie,

Ole, Ollie.

There's a pop pop popano.

Well, Andy.

The Papal Conclave.

That was very much the unspoken subtext of all the news reports that were

very cool.

Yes, that's right.

They just didn't have the balls to actually say it or sing it saying it.

Andy, the Papal Conclave clearly didn't take too long to put his fingers down his throat and throw up a pope.

Because on Wednesday, after just two days of discussion, white smoke billowed out of the Sistine Chapel and the Catholic Church took a bold new step into the future by electing an old white man with reactionary views on homosexuality and birth control.

But wait, this one speaks Spanish, so it's different.

So,

who de Pope Andy?

Well, or play Mareo Bergoglio, he de Pope.

Or, as he is now called, Pope Francis, or Rome's most eligible bachelor.

If you like the thrill of the chase, ladies, look no further than Pope Francis.

There is a man who is playing really hard to get.

Yeah, it's an interesting choice of name.

After almost 2,000 years of waiting, we finally have the first ever Pope Frank, which is great news for everyone.

As you say, they did.

They concleft the shit out of that decision.

They really concleft it beautifully.

Or concleaved it.

I don't know.

What's the past tense of that?

I like conclaved.

Conclaved.

They both sound nice.

They're both nice to say, but I'd go concleaved.

He's the first ever Pope from South America, Argentinian, from Buenos Aires, Bishop of Buenos Aires.

And in his opening Pope speech, my Latin's a little bit rusty, but the first thing he said was, we in the Vatican City now lay claim to the Falkland Islands.

And then he's also a big hip-hop fan.

He wowed the crowd by saying, I love it when you call me Big Popper.

And he also said this, these rather touching words.

He said, this is a wonderful journey from infinity back to infinity.

Sorry, no, that wasn't actually the Pope who said that.

That was a deranged man talking to himself on the tube on the way in today who said that.

But it could have been the Pope.

And I think, you know who does that tell you more about the pope or the man on the tube well it it tells us an equal amount about both of them andy and the fact that i wrote it down it probably tells you something about me that's right i think that's much more the bigger lesson is there so let's take a closer look at the man who has seized this opportunity with both flippers and the man who will presume who will presumably have asked the question on his very first morning as pope that all of us want an answer to which is how with all the money that the vatican has do they not have robot butlers it just makes no sense Andy

so there's a lot of firsts that this Pope is Pope Francis is the first ever Pope Francis he's also the first Jesuit to be Pope also the first Pope from outside Europe in a thousand years over a thousand years also the first pope from the Americas also apparently the first pope to have wind beneath my wings as his karaoke and I quote go-to tune

also John he's the first pope with only one lung yes so That's true.

Which is wonderful, because clearly they're reaching out to the Catholic community in South America, reaching out beyond the Vatican's traditional papal breeding grounds of Europe to more of the world's 1.2 billion Catholics, and also reaching out to animals who only have one lung, which predominantly are snakes, as

we know from my stag weekend in Scotland.

But it's good to see that beach being built by the Catholic Church finding, because it's been tricky between us and the snakes ever since the whole Eve and the Apple business.

So that's great to choose a Pope who can relate, who snakes can relate to on a just in terms of

body issue.

Yeah,

he apparently had a lung removed when he was a teenager due to an infection, which means he's a one-lung pope.

And that really sticks into the other cardinals, Andy, who couldn't become pope, even though they had twice as many lungs as he did.

I mean, it's pathetic when you think about it.

Also, the first pope for over 300 years to have a tattoo.

From some angles it looks like Jesus blessing a donkey but from others it looks like Jane Mansfield in a bikini cleaning a car windscreen.

But

that's the 1950s for you isn't it?

Well let's let's look at his pope stats Andy.

He can fire off 32 prayers a minute with no warm-up.

He's batting 326 at getting prayers into heaven with those prayers in scoring position.

He takes a papal rope size medium and a papal headgear size maximum.

He can run 100 meters in full papal regalia in less than 45 seconds.

And his record in fist fights with other popes is currently zero wins, zero losses.

But that may be amended after he meets with Pope Benedict.

We'll have to re-up those stats.

He was very much an outsider at becoming Pope.

Most betting sites had him at around 33 to 1.

So congratulations if for some inexplicable reason you were betting on that.

That would be...

Why wouldn't you bet on it?

It would be an amazingly strange response, Andy.

Someone in St.

Peter's Square, as the news came out, and the new Pope is Jorge Mario Bogoglio.

Yes!

Yes!

Well, I'm so glad you feel so passionately that he's the right choice for the church.

Oh, never mind that.

I just won 300 grand.

Hallel fingelujah!

Well, just I don't know if you saw that, there was a lot of litter in St.

Peter's Square after the crowd had dispersed.

Maybe it was just a lot of betting slips.

Oh, shit.

I thought the Brazilian was a shoe-in.

Perhaps that's why the cardinals were not allowed cell phones in there, there, Andy.

You didn't want them to be tempted to go in big just before the white smoke went up.

It is a little strange that he was seen as such a long shot, as he was apparently the second choice of the conclave that elected Pope Benedict eight years ago.

So never the bridesmaid, never the bride, Andy, but now he's the Pope.

He's Gary Goblet service.

He's God's official answer phone.

I'm afraid God's not available right now, but if you leave a message with me, he'll get right back to you.

Argentinian Pope, that's very nice.

I mean, I like you, John, I was hoping for a Brazilian Pope, for a flair Pope.

A flair Pope.

Pope Albinho, but we didn't get that.

But if Argentinian Catholicism is anything like Argentinian football, he's probably not afraid of a challenge.

And that is a good quality in a Pope because there are a lot of challenges facing the Catholic Church.

Spiritual renewal, he talked about, and that's only true.

Because somewhere along the line,

in parts of the Catholic Church, Jesus's teachings of peace, tolerance, love, and avoiding institutionalised child abuse scandals and even more institutionalised cover-ups of those scandals have occasionally not been applied with quite as much religious fervor as they might have been.

He warns that the Catholic Church would become, quotes, a compassionate NGO without spiritual renewal.

Which is a slightly odd thing to say, really.

Yeah.

And also as if compassion is something that they cannot possibly afford to be associated with.

Yeah, because would being a compassionate NGO really be that bad?

When you're warning people against something, aren't you supposed to use an example that doesn't sound inherently appealing?

Unless we confess to Christ, we'll become the food equivalent of a creamy chocolate eclipse.

And no one wants that, right?

Hold on.

Whose stomach just rumbled?

I don't think you're getting the point that I'm trying to get across here.

When I actually read it, I thought that's what he said that his aspiration was.

He's like, now my new reign is in.

We're going to become a great compassionate NGO.

I thought, brilliant.

That's the opposite of what he wants.

No, that was the absolute end point of the worst hypothetical decisions that could be made.

It was the opposite of what he was saying.

And he explained it by saying what would happen would be like when children make sand castles and then it all falls down.

Well, for a start, I think the Catholic Church has had enough trips to the beach with children.

But also,

what

I mean, what happens when children make sand castles and they fall down is usually you go back to the hotel and get some supper before saying, okay, kids, you've had three days on the beach.

Tomorrow it's mummy and daddy's turn to choose.

We're going to a fing water park.

Much has been made of Pope Francis' lifetime of work with the poor in Argentina and his commitment to a humble lifestyle.

He lived among the poor back home, choosing not to take the opulent residence that he was absolutely entitled to as bishop of Buenos Aires.

He rode a bus to work, wore an ordinary robe, and lived with an older priest in a simple apartment where he cooked his own meals.

He's a famously humble man, and he's not fond of flashy things, which really makes you think, well good luck living in the Vatican then because that place is the epitome of opulence that place makes most rappers mansions look like humble Argentinian priest dwellings it's literally designed to make you think oh wow if they're this successful maybe there's something in this whole Catholic thing

does suggest that he might be thinking about you know a lick of paint in the Sistine chapel just a kind of plain magnolia colour yeah just

too flash in it It's too flashy.

Let's just get a kind of a corn yellow in there, just over the...

Just an eggshell white.

You know what?

Corn yellow is too flashy.

Let's go eggshell white.

Maybe a yucca plant in the corner or some dry flashy.

His first tweet, this pope, was habimus papum franciscum.

Which, look, let's be honest, that sounds like a spell, Andy.

Was he trying to turn a cardinal into a frog?

Or was he trying to erase everybody's memory of the last 20 years?

Translated from the Latin, it means we have a new Pope Francis.

And I like that, Andy, especially if he keeps referring to himself for his whole papacy in the third person.

Pope Francis feeling great today.

Pope Francis just prayed up a storm.

Pope Francis got hungry, so Pope Francis just demolished a carbonara.

And his final tweet, the devil, he tried acting up, but Pope Francis don't play that shit.

Hashtag for realsies.

Also, being an Argentinian pope, he's probably not afraid of a big chunk of beef, which is good news for him, John, because a couple of hundred years away from his new home in St.

Peter's Square is a sensationally good steakhouse with a fridge full of dead cow by the entrance.

So I assume he's going to be heading straight down there.

Absolutely straight there.

Pope Francis named himself after St.

Francis of Assisi, who was the patron saint of animals, often portrayed with a bird on his hands, possibly explaining why he's also the patron saints of hand washing and the patron saint of latex gloves.

The very famous story about St.

Francis John is travelling with his buddies and he came across some trees that were jam-packed full of birds.

So he told his pals to stop whilst he preached to his sisters, the birds, and the birds came flocking down to him.

Hey look folks, he said, they flock to me, the little flappy flaphounds.

I think they really, just really love my voice because I'm amazing.

Sure, St.

Francis said, his friends.

You might like to factor in the fact that you're wearing a jacket made of seeds?

Yeah, so I like to dress snappy, said St.

Francis.

What's wrong with that?

Well, you're going going to have to buy a new jacket.

That's all.

All right, Aristotle, put a f ⁇ ing sock in it, just because you can't hold a tune.

Guys, it's a great book, isn't it, Andy?

It's been a while since either of us have read it, but it's a great book.

Although dour in appearance, this Pope apparently has a sense of humour.

Well, apparently so.

At his first dinner as Pope on Wednesday night, he reportedly toasted his fellow cardinals with a prayerful quip, May God forgive you for what you have done.

And that's a bold joke, Andy, because that may have been a tense moment for a cardinal two in there.

Oh, shit.

How do you find out about that?

I thought I got away with it.

I was so careful.

Oh, wait, what are you talking about?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.

You were joking about I was picking you as Pokemon.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

I was definitely joking too.

I was just acting like someone who has a terrible secret that he'd be keeping for decades as a goof.

I love jokes.

Oh,

can someone pass me an extra napkin, please?

It's feeling very hot in here.

Interestingly, the Vatican have finally revealed what goes into the uh create the smoke that is a revealed uh that reveals whether or not a pope has been chosen they have the black smoke for when it's he's not been chosen and uh the white smoke for uh when they have made the decision um

both according to the new york times report made with fairly standard pyrotechnic formulas uh black smoke made using potassium perchlorate anthracene that's a component of coal tar and also the name of one of tom cruise's children sulfur and name of the name of another one of tom Cruise's children.

Whereas the white smoke is made using potassium chlorate, milk sugar, which apparently is an easily ignitable fuel, and pine rosin, plus, to give it its distinctive white colour, one kilogram of cocaine, three polar bear cubs, and a small cricketer.

But interestingly, do you know this?

Legally, smoking bans cannot be legally enforced on Catholics if they claim they're thinking about electing a new pope whilst puffing on the cigarette.

Yeah,

that is a good idea.

Just

oh, I wonder who it's going to be.

Of course, there's been a great international reaction to it.

A lot of people expressing delight that there's a Pope from a new part of the world.

And as you'd expect, a lot of the great and the good of the world have been wading in with their opinions, including the official spokesman for humanity, that is the former wrestler, the Iron Shake,

who has appeared on recent bugles and has fast elevated himself into the absolute A-list of

bugle celebrities.

He said he tweeted this

because it's his birthday today as we record John.

He's 70 years old today.

And he tweeted this.

If the Pope don't call me, wish me the happy birthday, I never respect him.

And I beat the f ⁇ ing shit out of him, making him humble.

What I found myself increasingly doing, Andy, is looking back over major moments in recent history and then looking back over the tweets from that time from the Iron Sheet.

Because it's interesting to see him reacting in real time to unfolding events.

For instance, before the papal announcement on Wednesday, you could tell that it was shaping up to be an important day.

As his first tweet that day was, f the Wednesday.

That's his idiosyncratic take on Good Morning.

Maybe he's just a Sheffield United fan.

We don't know.

Then

after the white smoke was released, but before the name of the the new pope was announced, he tweeted, respect to me.

They have the white medicine smoke and I'd be happy.

I'd be the new pope.

Everyone, cuff fk yourself if you don't vote for the legend.

Because

incidentally, Andy, if the Iron Sheik was Pope, he would be the first Iranian and only the 84th crazy person elected to smoke.

At this point, he's done enough, Andy.

There's no need for him to tweet again for the rest of the day.

We couldn't reasonably expect any more from him.

But a while later, he tweeted, and I quote,

f the breadcrumb dick satyr

which is pretty much John that is again that's the subtext of Pope Francis' inaugural speech they're very much on the same page just using different language it would have been a phenomenal way for Pope Francis to have ended his first blessing and he just wrapping up saying I will now give my blessing to you and to the whole world to all men and women of goodwill.

Brothers and sisters, I am leaving you.

Thank you for your welcome.

Pray for me, and I will be with you again again soon.

We will see one another soon.

Tomorrow I want to go to pray the Madonna that she may protect Rome.

Good night, and sleep well.

Oh, and f the breadcrumb dick, Satan.

Is this on?

Is this thing on?

I think it's because he was doing it in Latin.

He could easily have got away with it, John.

I don't think anyone would have picked it up.

If I don't think anyone knows what he actually said, because, you know, no one's actually spoken Latin for 2,000 years.

So, you know, and people are just assuming.

They just take an educated guess on what it is he's banging on about.

As you say, there were warm wishes, warm welcomes for the new Pope from all over the world.

But my favourite statement came from Mahmoud Azab, who's the official spokesman for Al-Azhar, Sunni Islam's highest seat of learning, whose statement simply read, We are hoping for better relations with the Vatican after the election of the new Pope.

And the beauty of that statement, Andy, is that you could pretty much cut and paste it from any time in the last thousand years.

I wonder if they literally dust that sentence off every time a new pope is announced and then release it with a long sigh.

We're hoping for better relations with the Vatican after the election of a new pope.

Oh boy.

Oh

boy, oh boy.

One of the most interesting pieces of reaction came from Pope Francis' very own sister, who told a newspaper that

he had confided in her that he never wanted to become Pope.

That's two in a row.

That's two in a row, Andy.

Maria Elena Bergoglio, who's 12 years younger than the 76-year-old pontiff, said that he never wanted to be pope and now faced, quotes, a lifetime of infinite loneliness.

Now, was that in the job advert for a start?

Wanted very old, preferably unmarried man to be PR executive for prominent global franchise.

Salary, £20,000 plus generous pension of eternal bliss.

Must be able to say, oops, sorry, in at least 10 different languages.

Strict dress code, no dress down days, but he can work from home.

Must be prepared for a lifetime of infinite loneliness.

Also, that's just not what you want your sister to say when you've just started a new job.

That's not helping, is it?

I mean, looking at it, someone is not getting a Christmas present this year.

She's blown it, John.

And she could have been in line for a real doozy this year now that her brother is the earthly representative of Santa Claus.

Besides...

I did always think a lifetime of infinite loneliness was an old Catholic advertising slogan and also a review for one of my Edinburgh shows.

Apparently Pope Francis plans to visit his predecessor Benedict although it won't be in the next couple of days.

Correspondents have been describing this as an important visit when it happens pointing out that the existence of a living retired pope has prompted fears of a possible rival power.

So the visit clearly means only one thing, Andy.

A papal fight to the death.

Two popes enter, one pope leaves.

Because nothing could calm people down more, Andy, I'm sure, than seeing Pope Francis emerge from that meeting in a blood-stained robe saying, it is done.

There can only be Uno Pope.

Now, interestingly, he's the first Jesuit pope ever.

Now, a lot of people have said that, and I'm sure a lot of people, a lot of bugles like me, have absolutely no idea what a Jesuit is.

So, we're going to have a competition.

If you can tell us, answer this multiple choice question correctly.

Tell us what is a Jesuit,

you will win yourself

a cardinal.

So,

it's more actually how did the name Jesuit come about?

Was it A, because they began as priests who dressed up in Jesus' suits, hence the abbreviation G suit, which became pronounced Jesuit.

Was it B, because from the early Christians who were persecuted by Romans, now as well as fighting lions in the arena, they would also be forced to take part in alcohol-drinking contests.

And they would warn their Roman oppressors when plastered to the brink of oblivion that they would reap divine vengeance with the words, Jesuit, Jesuit!

Was it C?

Because the Jesuits were originally a French order of monks renowned for their devotion to their literal pin-up boy, Jesus Christ.

And whenever they played their trademark, who am I guessing game, they would begin by saying, Je sui, and someone would immediately buzz in and guess, Jesus.

Inevitably, they'd be right, and a disappointed audience would tut in disappointment, hence the origin, je sui t.

Or was it D?

Because they're a Roman Catholic order founded by Saint Ignatius of Loyola in 1534 to defend Catholicism against the Reformation and to do missionary work amongst the heathen.

So, A, B, C, or D?

In other news, an Israeli TV company, Handy, has recently launched a channel just for dogs.

Programs on dog TV are developed by trainers to comfort canines left home alone with special colours that dogs can see and soothing music.

And this is a nice idea, Andy.

I love dogs and, you know, I always want them to be comfortable.

But

I must admit that I do really feel like the Israelis should be spending absolutely...

all their time and effort on negotiating a lasting peace in the Middle East and not on dog TV.

Don't get me wrong, Andy.

I love the idea.

The concept of dog TV is strong, but why not leave it until later and have it as a treat?

You know, the cherry on the top of a Middle East Sunday.

Something to aim for.

I think you're looking for a reward.

You're looking at this completely the wrong way, John, because dog TV will be judged by history as to being the catalysts for an eternal solution to the Middle East crisis.

Because the problem is, you know, if you...

I'm glad you said eternal solution there, Andy, and not the other kind of solution that was proposed.

The uh

the uh

too soon the uh just every time every time the word solution comes up there, I just I just think you got it you've got to change that word as well.

It just goes to authorities that you can't use the word solution, even that has been poisoned.

Um

the uh

uh because well we've had peace talks on and off for what now, what, five, six thousand years and they've never quite reached fruition And a lot of it is because the respective leaders have to go home to let their dog out so they don't disgrace themselves on the carpet.

So, you know, now you have dog TV.

Uh-huh.

Then, you know, your Mahmouda basses, your

Benjamin Netanyahu's, the likes of them, they can leave their dogs at home and think, right, I'm now fully focused

on resolving this millennia-old political issue.

The other side of that, Andy, is that, you know, this is obviously, it's a very compassionate, it's a very pleasant, caring thing to do, dog TV.

But when you see the amount of attention paid to the needs of dogs, it definitely brings home to you just how low on the list of Israeli priorities Palestinians really are, Andy.

It goes, you know, it's great hummus, outstanding for laffles, then TV for dogs, then radio for cats, then and only then Palestinians.

I think that's the order.

So a number of shows have been specially made for for this channel, including antique shows showing vintage sofas that most dogs would absolutely love to hump for the afternoon.

New dog version of the hit

counter-terrorism series 24 with the canine hero Jack Bow Wow.

And absolutely loads and loads of documentaries about the Nazis.

But that's just true of any TV channel.

The channel, Dog TV, has been described as slightly more intellectual than...

No, I've got to choose this carefully.

Realistically, am I ever going to work for BBC3?

No.

Slightly more intellectual than BBC3.

You just don't appeal to the target demo, Andy.

Technology news now, another week, another tech launch.

Phone fans Samsung have launched their new star smartphone, the Galaxy S4, which has new eye-tracking software, which can tell where your eyes are looking and scroll the page you're reading without you even having to touch the screen.

This could save vital microseconds that are wasted on a daily basis by billions of smartphone users.

The time spent between your eyes reaching the end of a page and your central nervous system sending an electrical impulse to tell your thumb to twiddle about a bit to make the next bit of whatever indispensable piece of shit you're half-reading come to the screen can add up to 0.8 seconds wasted over the course of a week.

That's almost an hour over the course of someone's life, said Samsung spokeslady Hector at Caffdain.

You might meet the love of your life in that hour.

So this is really important stuff.

Samsung's flagship new phone is also literally a flagship.

On contact with water, it automatically ejects a fully working steel hull to prevent the phone being flooded with water.

A flag also pops out, which using helicopter recognition technology automatically flaps when it detects a search and rescue team hovering in the sky above, whilst the display shows an animation of a distress flare being fired into the air.

Caffdane explained, We watched the film Titanic on a staff bonding trip, and we thought, if that happened now, not only would 1500 lives have been lost but so would 1500 phones not to mention the tablets that poorly organized people could easily have left in their cabins as they fled for the lifeboats.

We're determined to make sure that never happens.

Now even if your ship goes down you can drown happily safe in the knowledge that your loved ones will still be able to have your phone to assuage and cure their grief.

The phone also comes with a new app called When Will I Waz.

You input exactly what liquids you've had to drink and when and in what quantities and When Will I Waz will send you an alert message when it calculates that you'll probably need to urinate.

Samsung lifestyle disclutterization specialist Jaewong Snart explained, We probably waste 15 to 30 seconds every day thinking about whether or not we need to take a bathroom break.

With our new app, you can reclaim that time, safe in the knowledge that your phone will prevent you embarrassing yourself.

Industrial leaders have expressed concerns that the jailbroken phones could be set off to go off randomly if their owners just want the excuse to disappear from their work desks for a few moments of precious lavatorial solitude in an over-hectic world.

The Galaxy S4 also includes sneeze prediction technology that automatically rotates the screen away from your facial snouting area when it detects you're about to suffer a noseplosion,

and an automated emergency services calling function that you can activate when you're on a big night out.

It detects when voices are becoming raised and speech becoming slurred, and automatically calls for police and ambulance assistance when it calculates that you are about to get the shit kicked out of you in a full-on fight.

And that phone will be available free with a bugle next week.

your emails now and this email came in from anonymous who wrote who wrote who writes no no stand by no who wrote stand by say it with enough confidence and it stands cannot be seen to back down on these things that will make you feel weak uh dear bugle last night i dreamed of picnicking cardinals and fish tacos

uh several hours later After lunch in Italy, we have a South American Pope.

That's right.

Ohio may have picked the president, but I dreamed the Pope.

Wow.

I'm not signing my name to this email in fear that my husband's Catholic family will burn me for heresy.

Well, if it's any consolation, Anon, you will not be alone on that judgment barbecue.

Andy and I will be burning next to you like two particularly heretical sausages.

Fish tacos basically, I think that's how Jesus did the feeding of 5,000, wasn't it?

That's right.

Just slivers a fish.

That's the key thing.

Yeah, mostly vegetable musk with a tiny bit of fish in it, so they could technically sell it as a fish tackle.

There's another email here from Jeff, who says, Dear John, Chris, and Andy, in order of who I suspect is likely to pay more, is more likely to pay money for the following service.

If you're not already aware, everyone's favourite tweeting, slightly mental ex-wrestler, the Iron Sheik, is now offering you, yes, you, the exciting opportunity to be humbled, or more accurately, crudely insulted over Twitter.

For just $30, a bargain if I ever saw one,

you can request that the great man tweet some personalized abuse at you or whoever you choose to be treated to this service's direction.

Even better, the chic offers you the chance to choose exactly what you want to say in the tweet.

So essentially, you're paying him $30 to copy and paste some text.

I'm not saying that means it isn't worth doing, however, because it definitely is worth doing.

Unfortunately, I've spent so much of my money on securing humble text as presents for my loved ones.

My wife's birthday's coming up, so I got her two just to make sure that I no longer have sufficient funds to take out a Bugle voluntary subscription this year.

I'm sure you'll agree, however, that it's gone to a better cause.

As I'm sure the Sheik would like me to say, keep up the good work or go f yourself.

Jeff Bates, in Liverpool, Liverpool.

Well, I mean, that's that's terrific.

You know, you gotta, you've got to monetize, haven't you?

When you've got that much,

that much to say.

Quality work from the Sheiki, Andy.

But if you, if you do consider that a Bugle voluntary subscription is a better use of your $30, $30, then please go to thebuglepodcast.com

and click on the relevant link.

Don't forget to check our SoundCloud page out: soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

And do keep your emails coming in to info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Well, that's it for this week's new Pope special.

I mean, you know, he's 76.

I mean,

I don't know if we'll ever do another new Pope special

on the bugle.

But

that's quite young.

I mean, that's young for a Pope, isn't it?

Well, I mean, no.

Yes, I mean, definitely, he's still an old man.

I don't think you could biologically claim he was young, Andy.

But when the Catholic Church has been accused of living in the past, but you know, the world has to face up to the fact that it has

an aging population, particularly in

Western countries.

And we've not really done anything about that.

And the Catholic church has shown that you can employ 76 year old men in important positions so

you know what i suppose that's true i mean that's that's been forgotten hasn't it that they're actually way ahead of their time as well as thousands of years behind it

so uh good luck to the the new pope uh good luck and commiseration to the iron shake who i think did from some of the tweets he posted and the pictures that he posted uh was harbouring some hope of sneaking in under the radar.

Yeah, the sad thing is that I couldn't quite work out whether he actually thought he had been elected pope at one point.

And a happy 70th birthday.

I mean, I do hope when I'm 70 years old that I have a similar vocabulary.

Andy, that is an achievable goal, my friend.

I feel like I have a calling in life now.

Until next week, Buglers, goodbye.

Bye!

Hi, Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.