Bugle 226 – Salvo For Mali

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 226 of the Bugle audio newspaper for this most unremittingly visual of worlds for the week being Monday, the 4th of March 2013 with me, Andy Zaltzman, International Satirist of the Year in the Balding Late 30s Gingerhead Lapstew Magazine Awards.

I'm live in London, the city where angels can't be asked to tread.

Been there, seen it, got to prioritise.

And in New York City, the self-styled jack of no trades, but master of fun.

It's the person of Pancake himself, John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

On Wednesday night, Andy, this Wednesday, I did an episode of a fantastic podcast called Star Talk with Neil deGrasse Tyson, who's a sensational astrophysicist

and the director of the Hayden Planetarium here in New York.

It was great fun, made even more memorable by the fact that the surprise guest was Buzz Aldrin.

Andy.

That's right.

The Buzz Aldrin, the first one you thought of, not the second Buzz Aldrin who definitely doesn't exist.

It was a truly mind-blowing and humbling experience to spend a few hours with a man who's walked on another planet.

And it was even more of an honor to be zinged by him, Andy.

Because at one point I said to him, joking, Buzz, I feel like you and I have just such a lot in common, the two of us.

And he paused for a moment to let that statement sink in.

And then he said, Yeah, you're right.

I had jeans on this morning as well, but then I put on a suit to come here.

Boom!

Boom!

Zinged by an astronaut, Andy.

That's a lunar slam.

Houston, the zing has landed.

What did he say about the moon?

Well, he said he was, you know, he's pretty unimpressed with it, Andy.

Because he says, you know, he's been there and he's one of the few people who I guess is allowed to be that jaded about it.

He wants to go to Mars now.

He has nothing to do with the moon.

He's a Mars man.

You're right.

Well, we'll have more on that later.

Later in the show.

You've queued that up beautifully, John.

So this is Bugle 226.

It's the first Popeless bugle.

Well, we're in the interim between Popes.

So for the first time ever, whilst no one's looking, all of you buglers are allowed to listen to this bugle whilst wearing as many condoms as you want.

This is Bugle 226, which means we've now done as many bugles as the number of rewrites Steven Spielberg did on the script of Shinda's list before Universal would let him make it.

Man, he really wanted that dinosaur scene in there.

No, Stephen, I just don't think it's in keeping with the rest of the film.

Oh, come on!

Roar!

Steggy wants to eat a Nazi!

Roar!

Stephen, it's just Stegosaurus's.

Well, for a start, they don't eat animals, they were herbivores.

Roar!

Nazi's so bad, even Steggy eats a Nazi!

Stephen,

look, we love the screenplay that Stephen Zalian has given us, and we love most of your ideas for how to put it into action.

It's got to be a very touching and harrowing exposition of one of the most difficult historical subjects for film.

No, it's we'd really rather you made.

Are you saying you're glad Hitler was not eaten by a stegosaurus?

That sounds like what you're saying.

No, Stephen, it's just that we think that as a coherent whole, the film does not need dinosaurs.

Need?

Did Jaws need a shark?

No, but it did help.

Roar!

Himmler and ketchup!

Crunchy, crunchy, squelchy!

Roar!

Stephen!

Roar!

Oh, come on, they deserved it.

You know, they did deserve it, Stephen.

That's not really the point.

Can we save the dinosaurs for the Nuremberg trial sequel

yes bows good now uh one more thing the scene with the leathery alien creature with a long neck and bony fingers oh f you are not taking that one out

how do you not let him shoot it andy make the decision in the edit let him shoot the scene uh fourth uh fourth of march this is a week beginning fourth of march 2013 33 years of bobby mugabe in charge of zimbabwe from the frying pan of imperialism into the fire of dictatorship 120 years since science wiz Nikki Tesla gave the first demonstration of radio, in which he hosted a phone-in previewing the forthcoming baseball season, and a New York Giants fan ranging to say that the Boston bean eaters were shit and that the Giants were definitely going to win.

And the 250th anniversary of the invention of the pickled cucumber, when the Russian vegetable seller Yevgeny Gurkin, trying to promote his new seasoned cucumbers, fell into a vat of vinegar.

And when he was fished out an hour later, his relieved wife, Olga Gurkina, kissed him vigorously and said, hmm, you taste lovely today.

So that's, as always, the section of this bugle is going straight in the bin.

Tomorrow, 2nd of March, as I'm sure you know, John, it's the birthday of two seminal rock legends, Lou Reed of the Velvet Underground and Concert for Dogs Fame, and the other pee and his rock pod, John Bon Jovi.

Both

exactly 20 years apart, but creatively, they might as well have spent those 20 years hanging out in the same rock womb before being birthed out fully formed onto a stage somewhere and cracking straight into their crowd-pleasing mega hit, you give love some bad heroin.

Ironically, also born on the 2nd of March was the former Wimbledon finalist Kevin Curran, who statistically, over the course of a 12-year career in pro tennis, must have strummed out some pretend guitar chops on his tennis racket.

So, to celebrate Lou, Reed, and Bon Jovi's respective 71st and 51st birthdays, or if you prefer, their joint 122nd birthday, in the bin this week, four special tracks recorded exclusively for the bugle by these two Zeuses of rock including including living on a satellite of love venus in a bed of roses i'll sleep when i'm at some of tomorrow's parties and jesus dead or alive

that's

Top story this week give me a mess mess give me poverty poverty give me Islamic insurgency Islamic insurgency give me a painful history of colonialism painful history of colonialism!

What have you got?

Mali!

It's it's Mali News now.

Africa.

Andy, it's the wonderful land where humanity originated and where humanity has frequently attempted to destroy itself.

It really is a place of limitless potential.

Very much like the snooker player Ronnie O'Sullivan.

Incredible talent, but it's got its problems.

Andy.

And Mali is experiencing what most human rights watchers would describe as an Islamic militant cluster f ⁇ k.

For a while now, the international community have tried desperately hard to solve this problem by ignoring it as ferociously as they can and hoping that it goes away, crossing their fingers, Andy, until they nearly break.

But unfortunately, that tactic which has been so popular in the past for some reason just doesn't seem to have worked out this time again.

Quite a lot has been happening there over the last month, but you wouldn't know that if you watched most of the news on on television which is preferred to cover stories about cats getting stuck in dishwashers and things like that if not that something closer to that than really you have to be comfortable with

yeah the uh desert-based terrorism related crisis that was uh maybe not all the rage a few weeks ago but at least some of the rage has been uh rumbling on like a dieting glutton stomach and although the al-Qaeda related terrorists boo

were initially repelled according to reports they've now established mountain strongholds in the lawless northern area of the country.

Oh, change-le-discal Qaeda.

Is that all you've got?

So, pipe down, fellas.

Yeah, now we seem to have been repelled by armed forces and not really got too much PR traction with the public for whatever reason.

So we need a plan B.

Anyone?

Yes.

Yusuf.

Boss, how about establishing a mountain stronghold in a lawless area?

Oh, hang on, Yusuf.

Let me guess.

Fit it up with caves, tunnels, and landmines from where to run a guerrilla war with no foreseeable end.

Have you been reading my notebook, boss?

Remind me never to go on a skiing holiday with you, Yusuf.

Come on, fellas.

I just feel creatively we've been there and done it.

Any takers for running for office through democratic channels?

Okay, I'll say

I'm on my own on this one.

Okay, we'll go with Yusuf's plant.

Andy, just let's pause to just acknowledge an outstanding Malian Islamic militant impression.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, that's sick there in deep cover, aren't they?

You went through the gears there.

So let's bring you up to speed as to what's been happening.

Initially, the French military got involved, and I know that sounds like a grammatically incorrect statement.

The French military historically doesn't really like to get involved in anything, Andy, unless it's a surrender competition or a bake-off of some kind.

Both of which they've proven themselves to be excellent at in the past.

Outstanding track record, Andy.

Man, America has really got its claws into you, John.

To be honest, this particular gripe was there before I moved here, Andy.

It was just exacerbated.

The French have been going from town to town over the last few weeks and clearing the militants out.

A few weeks ago, French-led forces entered Timbuktu and secured the town without a shot being fired.

And that's just how the French army likes it.

Andy, I believe 85% of them are officially registered as being allergic to loud bangs.

You're right, that one may have had an American influence to it.

The paratroopers, the French paratroopers,

crept into Timbuktu apparently during the night, advancing from the airport and residents instantly took to the streets to celebrate.

The French troops immediately set up an emergency bollingerie and a small but excellent vineyard, Andy, consistent with the French army slogan, no man left behind without an outstanding baked treat.

That's a compliment, Andy, so that can't be offensive.

They can bake, is what I'm saying.

Testify.

I mean, that's just a fact.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, you can't argue with that.

They're outstanding bakers.

If they could fight like they could bake, they'd be the dominant world superpower.

You know, that is a tricky multitask to pull off, isn't it?

As when Joan of Arc was probably the closest who came to it and arguably she took both sides too far.

But Mali remains in dire need of humanitarian assistance

according to John Ging, Director of Operations for the Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs.

And he said

he also said that there's a great need for educational support.

He said approximately 200,000 children in Mali are not getting any education and haven't had any for the last year.

And at the moment he said this, millions of schoolchildren across the world started looking up potential employment openings for daddy and mummy in Mali.

Schools out for summer.

Schools out for endemic poverty and chronic political instability.

Of the many things that we were too late to assist with after intervening, it turns out that we were too late to stop insurgents from setting fire to a library as they left Timbuktu, which contained thousands of priceless historic manuscripts.

And that is a classic dick move from the insurgents Andy.

They just love to ruin nice things for no purpose whatsoever than to cement their reputation of relentless prickery.

I think that's because it's consistent with their insurgent slogan, if in doubt, be a gigantic dick bag.

The mayor of Timbuktu spoke of the devastating blow to World Heritage after two buildings that held manuscripts which dated back to the 13th century were torched by these complete shitbags.

The manuscripts that survived the fire were also then reportedly taken away by rebels.

So hold on, because that logically makes no sense whatsoever, Andy.

They set fire to the manuscripts and then ran off with the manuscripts that they managed to save from the fire they started.

These people are fing morons!

Yeah, the heart of it all, those

perennial dicks, the Islamic extremists.

Now, I know we Brits, John, we traditionally like to support an underdog in any concert, in any contest, but

these guys are really hard hard to warm to as a neutral.

They are, you know, at best aggressive conversationalists.

And their PR skills are, well, minimal.

They're an offshoots of al-Qaeda, the main group involved, al-Qaeda, the most tedious minority interest pressure group of the millennium.

And leading the way is the Islamist group Ansardine,

also known as variously as the Boom Boom Bastards and the Desert.

And

they have

banned a number of things, John, as these fellas like to do.

They've banned banned video games.

They've banned both Marlean and Western music.

They banned bars.

And they also banned football.

Whoa.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

That is one step too far, Ansardine.

Video games...

Yeah, they're a bit childish, but lots of parents have been there when they want their children to concentrate on their homework, or in this case, on spreading a gospel of hate.

So you can just about understand banning that.

Marley and Western music, well, John, I'm not up to speed on Malian music, but Western music, well, let's be honest, there's been good and there's been bad.

I mean, you might be throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but on balance, it's probably a zero-sum game.

Now, you can live without it.

Yep, banning bars, well, it could be a much-needed boost for the traditional country pub in rural northern Mali.

So, again, that's fair enough.

But football, what the f?

And anyway, why don't you like football, Lansardine?

You should love football.

It has arcane, outdated rules, an opinionated fan base, and traditionally it hates gays and has almost no time for women.

It is a bastion of gender inequality and prejudice.

That should be right up your chute.

So, I mean, one of the key questions is why

are Britain and especially France helping out here when they've shown that they've been able to ignore it as well as the rest of the international community for so long?

For France, Mali, of course, used to be part of the French African Empire.

For Britain, many of Mali's close neighbours were part of our,

how shall I put this, part of our empire, or as we prefer to call it, our exclusive club of forced international friendships.

Yeah, if it was happening now, we'd call it Le Collection British.

And so the response to the French intervention has been largely hugely positive from the people of Mali, but you could understand if it also came with a little suspicion.

You could not blame them if there was a sense of, oh, hello, you again.

How long are you staying for this time exactly?

Just a few weeks.

That's funny, because I remember that's exactly what you said last time.

It's hard to know if France and Britain are doing this out of a sense of responsibility or a sense of guilt or some combination of the two.

Because as a British person, Andy, you certainly do look at a map of Africa, you look at so many regions of the world, and you think, Whopsie,

maybe we should have given all of that a bit more thought.

It's just we were so busy at the time wondering exactly where would be the best place on our bedroom wall for that elephant head.

So I guess in that context, John, with the threat of an Islamist takeover rearing its plug-up head, intervening was ethically the very least we could do.

And politically, the very most we could do.

Now, the latest is that after this intervention, France is making it clear that it would like to start pulling out its 4,000 troops by March.

Oh, that's this march, Andy.

The one that is happening as of today.

That March.

The march that we're in now.

It wants planning for a transition to begin now so that a handover can be fully completed by April.

That's this April, Andy.

The one that starts in just over four weeks.

And the French Foreign Minister said, for the moment the security is assured, we can envisage, without changing the structures, that it can be placed under the framework of UN peacekeeping operations.

Wow.

Again, Andy, it is amazing how quickly an intervention can be completed when there are not massive amounts of natural resources involved.

Okay, good luck with everything.

See you later.

Fingers crossed, guys.

We will be rooting for you from over there.

Yes, we're quite all right for sand.

Thank you.

Yeah, because

things are by no means okay over there, as you mentioned, Andy.

And we may be rolling out the mission accomplished banner with a W Bushian level of prematurity.

The Nobel Prize-winning writer, Wole Sojinka, said a rather beautiful sentence about this rather disturbing situation, talking about the kind of pointlessness of this kind of al-Qaeda offshoot he says the world is facing viral mutations of the human psyche now it's assumed he was referring to the terrorist threat in Mali it is feasible he just read a step-by-step explanation of the global banking crisis it's even possible that he had just watched the love guru but any it is it's still a nice phrase a lovely phrase Andy how can you see the crisis in Mali

the world's banking collapse and then use those things to throw a punch about the the love guru.

You do not understand what you're asking about.

You have the same continuum, John.

They're all, you know, unavoidable.

They're all basically avoidable atrocities.

Pope news now and holy shit, we're popeless.

Look, we got no Pope, Andy.

We are in a no-pope situation right now.

We just lost 100% of our popes and we have a pope-shaped hole to fill.

If they tried to wake up the Pope this morning in the Vatican Andy, they'd have pulled back the covers to see two pillows wearing a pope hat with an iPod playing some faint snoring sounds because the Pope has, to put it not mildly,

the f off, Andy.

Or he's resigned, to put it in a significantly mild way.

That is a sentence that hasn't been said for almost 600 years.

Yes, he's scone the 86-year-old father of 1.2 billion has quats.

He's hung up his fare and left those 1.2 billion children as orphans for a little bit anyway until the all-new Pope is unveiled.

Papa 266

Pope Benedict now becomes Emeritus Pope, coincidentally the name of the third baseman in the World Series winning Miami Rat Poisoners team of 1884.

And when he left this week, Pope Benedict XVI flew off by helicopter.

He flew off in a chopper, John.

And that is a Vatican tradition that dates back to when they picked Mike Angelo over Lenny da Vinci to paint the Sistine Chapel.

And as a consolation prize, they used one of little Leonardo's designs for a new papal vehicle.

He basically submitted a design to paint the Sistine Chapel with helicopters, fire engines, motorbikes and speedboats.

He was just a classic little boy, really.

Yeah,

that was the thing.

As you saw those scenes of the Pope getting into the helicopter and leaving, I think most people's response was, well, hold on, hold on.

Is there a Pope copter in there?

Where the f ⁇ did that come from?

How long has the Pope had a holy copter?

And what else are you hiding in there?

Is there a Pope Marine a Pope submarine that can take him underwater is there an official papal jet ski that we should know about sure Jesus may have walked on water but the Pope can jet ski his way down the Tiber anytime he pleases we can't only be finding out about this equipment now Andy does the Vatican have a James Bond style underground bunker with an assortment of tricked out pope vehicles because if it does I'm relatively sure that it's probably one of the least weird things that secretly goes on in there.

When he left, the Pope had to hand in his papal ring, his personal seal, and his red shoes.

It was basically like a corrupt cop in an American movie, handing in his badge.

We just know he's going to be batch on.

He's going to be back to save the day.

Do you know the reason the Pope has a seal?

No.

Well, it goes back to the fish symbol.

Yeah.

of Christians, which of course goes back to ancient times and a Greek word for fish being ichthos, the letters of which in Greek spelt out Jesus Christ, Son of God and Saviour.

And fish itself, of course, course, being an acronym for incredible stories and hocus pocus.

So in the early days of Christianity, when they had to keep their faith a bit secret from the Romans, they used to throw fish at the Pope.

Now, as Christianity grew in numbers, the Pope found he couldn't eat all the fish, so he got himself a seal.

And to this day, the seal sits next to him in the Vatican and eats his fish.

True or false, buglers?

You decide.

Again, even if that is true, Andy, that is still not the wickedest thing that I'm sure goes on in there.

Like you say, apparently

the fisherman's ring, his official ring, will apparently be smashed with a specially designed silver hammer.

The silver hammer will then be smashed by a specially designed ruby chainsaw, which will then be run over by a specially designed golden bulldozer, which will be then driven straight into the Sea of Galilee, where it will be eaten by a specially designed robotic whale.

Listen, Andy, if it's the first time this has happened in 600 years, if you get a chance to make up traditions for the first time, you want to make them good ones force people to do crazy stuff in the future this is a huge opportunity that's what religion's all about

yeah uh the pope uh in his uh valedictory speech uh admitted that his time in charge uh had involved quotes choppy waters

now that john is a classic british understatement proving once again that god is a brit if his earthly pa can come up with stuff like that and it goes into the uh the annals of classic valedictory understatements, including Richard Nixon, when he left office saying, yeah, I've not got everything right, but there you go, live and learn.

And if I can just slightly tweak something I said before, I'm not that much of a crook.

Edward VIII on abdicating the throne in 1936 said, I guess I'm going to have to get myself a new hat.

Well, she better be worth it.

Neville Chamberlain, when he left office in 1940, said, well, Mr.

Hitler has proved something of a troublesome diplomatic partner.

Whilst Eva Brown, on her parting from life, said, well, Adolph darling, to be honest, it has not been the classic fairy tale marriage I'd always dreamed of.

Whilst Abraham Lincoln's farewell speech involved the words, boring, this play needs some action.

You're right, Annie, choppy waters was a restrained choice of words to put it pleasantly.

I think those waters were a little more than choppy.

That was some perfect storm level waves with huge fing icebergs bouncing around on them.

I think if you ask people in Ireland about the institutional child abuse scandal, they probably describe it more as a ferocious whirlpool in the ocean that sucked down an entire nation's faith in the church.

But you know, to each their own water-based metaphor.

Pope was the

ex-pope, ex-pope, ex-Pope Benny said his troubled papacy had included moments of joy, but also difficulty when, and I quote, it seemed like the Lord was sleeping.

And if that was the case, Andy, and the Pope has a direct line to God, why didn't he try and wake him the f,

Andy?

Sorry to interrupt you, Lord.

I know how you like your rest, but I'm a little concerned that your church is falling apart at the seams.

What's that?

Sure?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah,

I'll let you snooze.

I'll pray you're back in five minutes.

No problem.

But before you're not off again, can you just clarify what you think about condoms?

There's a lot of people dying out down here because of it.

Sure, sure.

No problem.

No problem.

Five minutes it is.

Snooze time.

Sweet dreams yes i'll be quiet

to be honest i think he's been snoozing for quite a long time about 2 000 years in fact because you know it's been 2 000 years since he really said anything of note yada yada yada in those days now almost nothing and when he does say anything you know bafflingly out of character telling bush to invade iraq my theory john is that god has had a stroke uh possibly brought about by the stress of his son dying so young and his own residual feelings of guilt about his role in the matter

but you're right his personal seal will be destroyed, his ring is going to be destroyed.

Apparently all of this is nothing new.

As the Vatican pointed out, that objects strictly tied to the Ministry of St.

Peter must be destroyed.

And I'd be a little more interested in the documents undoubtedly currently getting put into the solid gold Vatican shredder, to be honest.

But I'm sure it's now an important tradition to be kept up as well, along with the ceremonial

wiping of the Vatican hard drives.

The final shift is going to be that the Pope will apparently give up wearing his red shoes, the shoes of the fishermen fishermen that have been a key part of his Pope style, and he'll be wearing brown shoes instead.

Listen, Andy, I think we all know the only way to go out was to throw his red shoes into the crowd before strapping on his papal rocket boots, which there is no way they don't have in there, Andy.

They've definitely got white rocket boots with golden wings up the side and crosses on the heel, and then fly off into the sunset, flipping the crowd the birds.

That would have given the world a much better sense of closure on this.

They've definitely got rocket boots, John.

That is why the Sistine Chapel was painted so intricately, because from the floor,

you can't see it clearly.

It was painted for someone who has rocket boots to have a good close look.

So the successor is going to be chosen in a conclave.

Now, since the resignation, as tends to happen with anything that celebs like the Pope do these days, conclaves have become really trendy.

People have been booking your holiday conclaves and even stag and hen conclaves just to get that little bit of showbiz stardust in their lives.

What exactly happens at a conclave?

Well, you don't need me to tell you that a conclave involves a meeting of the College of Cardinals.

Man, is it hard to get a place to study at that place, particularly if you're doing biomedical sciences or sports management.

Now at the conclave all of Catholicism PLC's biggest and holiest cheeses, a veritable collection of grand ementales, hook up, hang out, catch up on all the goths and play a cheeky little game of pick a pope.

Generally they'll arrive at 4.30 p.m.

for cake and canopes.

Bit of karaoke around 5.30 or singing hymns as church people like to call it.

Checking with the boss, or pray, then dinner, bit of flesh, bit of blood, then a proper chin mug about all the potential popes on the short list.

They'll natter about their respective CVs, maybe chuck in a quick drinking game or communion.

Then they'll rate all the possibilities pontiffs out of ten, knock off the best and worst marks, make sure no one has a wireless link up to a Malaysian betting syndicate under their mitre, and bingo, we have a winner.

And then, party, party, party.

Sorry, I mistyped that.

Pray, pray, pray.

And one of the biggest jobs facing the new Pope, John, he's going to have to choose a name, which, you know, most of us

don't generally have to do.

Cardinal Ratzinger chose Benedict XVI Benedict, although one of them was disqualified.

Benedict X viewed as an anti-pope, leading Benedict in third place, bronze medal, with 15 popes behind John, 21 Pope Johns.

Yes.

Yes, the last one being, any guesses?

Any guess the last of the 21 Pope Johns?

Can you guess?

John Paul?

No, he was the second of the John Pauls, John.

I'm just looking for pure pure Johns.

No, we're taking the Johns.

We're taking the JPs as well, the Johns.

The last and 21st Pope, John, was John XXIII, because there were two Johns.

John XVI, another anti-Pope, and John XXX, who didn't exist.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, they just skip one.

Okay.

Okay.

16 Gregories, other popular names the new Pope might consider.

Clement, Innocent, bit of a risk in the current ecclesiastical climate.

Pious, why not?

Bonnyface, Paul, Kevin, and Nigel.

Or he could go off-piste with some of the less common pope nomas like Sylvester, Adiodatus, Simplicius, Conon, or, and I really think this must come into consideration, Hilarious.

Pope Hilarius was St.

Peter's CEO from 461 AD to 468, and he got his name due to his innumerable pranks, including his top three papal pranks.

Prank Rank 3, the electrified collection plate, in which Pope Vilarius gave his congregation members an electric shock if they put coins in.

And he'd be standing there next to them saying, notes please, please, that glass isn't gonna f ⁇ ing stain itself.

Prank rank two, the jacuzzi font, in which during a baptism he would switch the jacuzzi on just as he dipped the baby in before saying, oops, looks like we've got us another devil, child, bubbly, bubbly, bubbly.

And his all-time favourite, top-rank prank, hiding a parrot inside the other bishop's mitres, so that when they were doing confession, the parrot would mimic everything the confessor was saying, much to their annoyance.

I think I fancy my wife's sister.

I think I fancy my wife's sister.

Bishop, I do not think you're taking this seriously.

I stole a pig.

I stole a pig!

Your Excellency, you are not making this any easier.

Who's a pretty boy then?

Sorry, Bishop, was that you said that or the parrot?

Now, of course, the new pope could be set to come from outside Europe, as we discussed the other week.

Cardinal Odilo Scherer from Brazil, 25-1 to pull on the papal briefs.

So we could even have a Popal Dinho I, John.

Yes, that's what I want.

Other betting 5-2 favourite garners, Peter Turkson.

Actually, as his name suggests, the son of Peter Torque, the keyboardist from the 1960s, band the Monkees.

I thought they looked alike.

Yeah,

because in fact, Peter Torque does genuinely have some Scandinavian ancestry, so that's why his son is Peter Torksen.

Cardinal Angelo Scholar of Italy coming up hard on the rails.

3-1 for the Juventus holding midfielder.

The top American candidates, Timothy Dolan and Sean O'Malley, both to 1.

Dolan, I believe, related to Mickey Dolan's monkeys as well.

33 to 1.

Looking a long shot that the crowd in St.

Peters are going to be chanting USA, USA anytime soon.

The top British runner, Cormac Murphy O'Connor, way out at 150 to 1.

He's going to need a 1967 Grand National style pile-up to sneak home there.

Others listed in the betting, as I checked this morning, Bono, the Archbishop of Stadium Rock, at 1,000 to 1.

And

congratulations to the betting website I looked at.

Richard Dawkins, the prominence and vocal atheist.

And his quoted odds to be pope were charmingly set at 666 to 1.

But that makes him in current betting three times more likely to be pope than either Madonna or Silvio Berlusconi.

Right man, right place, wrong sanctuary.

We all take on jobs, don't we, that we've not necessarily wanted to do, but money has talked.

That would be an interesting one for Dawkins.

Yeah.

I think

it'll do it sell out.

Yeah.

Most of the time it's the problem with

a man like that.

You're generally preaching to the converted, aren't you?

Preaching to people who already agree with you.

So, I mean, that could...

In terms of job swaps, that could be absolutely sensational.

It's a great Channel 4 documentary.

Bugle feature section now and Bonkers Billionaires and well it's been a terrific week for crackbok billionaires or millionaires even making massive claims for things they're about to do Dennis Tito the the former space tourist, has announced plans to send a couple to Mars and back in a privately funded mission within five years.

This is sensational news.

It's a bold move, Andy, because the technology for it does not really exist.

But you know what?

It didn't when they went to the moon, Andy.

And confidence is 98% of science.

That's right.

Or it certainly is for a confident scientist.

If you show space the slightest hint of doubt, it is going to be all over you like a rash.

That's right.

Taking advantage of Mars being at its closest point to Earth in the two planets, two celebrity planets' respective orbits.

And that's good, isn't it?

Because when you're spending 2 billion quid on a trip to Mars, you're going to want to save a bit on fuel.

But there is a risk, though, John, that because the two planets are at their closest point, the Martians will probably be thinking exactly the same thing.

And there could be easily a mid-space collision.

Now, manned space travel, as I'm sure you discussed with your buddy Buzz this week, is one of the very few branches of science and technology that has not advanced in the last 40 years.

In fact, it's de-advanced, six moon landings in four years, kicking off with Buzz and Neil Armstrong, and zero since then.

Now if telecommunications had made the same progress moon travel has made since 1972, we would all still be carrying yoghurt pots joined together with string around.

The only things that have stagnated or regressed at an equivalent rate are party politics, democratic discourse, table manners, and how hot film stars are.

So

Tito is planning to take a pair of old biddies to Mars or at least a mature couple

and the mission is going to last 501 days, going to require 1,400 kilograms of dehydrated food,

and 28 kilograms of toilet paper.

Now, if I'm on that couple, I'm going to want to negotiate that up a bit just to be on the safe side because some of that dehydrated food, it can go...

Well, I mean, we've all had dried apricots, it goes straight through you like starling through a poetry club.

Well, that is,

that could be, that could be the best description, the best analogy for the digestive system that I've ever heard, Andy.

Oh, like starling through a poetry club.

And I do not say that lightly.

Keep me away from jalapeno peppers.

They are a digestive hand grenade.

Apparently, they will come as close as 100 miles from the surface of Mars, but will not actually land on the red planet.

And the aim is basically to slingshot their way all the way around, like they did with Apollo 8, which could take people to Mars for a fraction of

what it would cost NASA to do it, especially because NASA primarily would have more...

more interest in doing it safely.

Dennis Tito is not encumbered by respect for human life.

But I'm not even saying that entirely as a bad thing.

I think it's an amazing idea.

One of the people involved in this Mars 500 project, Jane Pointer, admitted that it would be challenging for the couple.

And the selection process would attempt to find, quote, resilient people that would be able to maintain a happy, upbeat attitude in the face of adversity, which I'm just going to put a bit of strain on a relationship.

you know, 500 days in a rocket.

She said, we want the crew of the vehicle to represent humanity.

We want the youth of the world to be reflected in this crew and for girls, as well as boys, to have role models.

Well, that's

a dangerous road to go down, John.

Sure, you want to represent both of the world's leading genders.

But what about religions?

You know, how are the Christians or the Jews, the Muslims, or the Hindus or the paganists going to relate to this venture if there isn't one of their team on board?

And if there's...

two people from opposing teams, well, it could get a little bit spicy.

And what about football fans, John?

What if they pick a couple of Man United fans?

You're instantly alienating all the Liverpool fans fans from this.

Those phone-ins are going to light up.

And so they're looking for a tried and tested couple, John.

Now, we've been doing this

podcast for five and a half years.

We've been working together for several years before that, since the early Johnny Dynamite days.

I'd say, you know, we probably qualify as a tried and tested couple.

Let's

give it a shot.

You know, and

if they're looking for two people who can take being alone for 500 days in space, well, we've had some gigs that felt like that.

You could do it a lot worse.

A lot worse, Sandy.

Andy.

We might need some more toilet paper with the amount of bullshit that's going to be flying around.

But still.

Still.

I think we'd be spending that entire journey trying to come up with the stupidest possible thing to say when we landed.

I've got something that might put you off the trip, John.

What?

That I don't.

You can't take your dog.

No, no, you're not allowed to take your dog.

Savior's tried that, and the dog got overexcited and pressed the blast-off button before his owners got in.

I just wonder how you'd feel when, you know, you're sort of two days past the moon and Andy gets that twinkle in his eye that oh no just one thing

oh no

the the first to pun your way all around Mars

is a shame that Neil Armstrong didn't crack a pun when he drew on the moon yeah

so why why is it that Tito's looking for an elder couple an older couple I guess a number of possible reasons you need to be secure in your relationship if you're going to spend 500 days together if you flirt unsuccessfully on day one the next 500 are going to get progressively more and more awkward.

You can't have any body image issues with each other.

You don't want anyone saying, does this helmet make my head look big?

And also,

most importantly, it's because Dennis Tito wants to be able to broadcast this mission.

He does not want a pair of newlyweds banging all over his spaceship.

Your emails now and we have an email here from James who says, dear Andy, Chris and John, in order of appreciation of the noble art of pun running.

I'm proudly bringing up the rear of that list, Andy.

On Sunday, the 14th of April, 2013, I'll be running my first ever marathon.

Whoop-de-fing-doo, you might say, and you'd be right.

Hundreds of thousands of people run marathons every year, and lots of them are older and fatter than me.

However, for me, the stakes will be higher.

On top of the torture of running 26.2 miles, I'll be listening to the bugle the entire way.

Oh my god, that seems like a good idea until mile three.

The wall.

Yeah, at my pace, that will be a full seven or eight bugles in a row.

None.

Stop.

Bullshit.

Scientific opinion is very much split on whether the human body can even withstand that sort of physical and mental assault.

I'm therefore proposing to put my mind, body and soul on the line for the only charitable course I believe in, Save the Bugle.

Yes!

Andy, if any buglers out there feel they would like to volunto sponsor me, I would ask that they please direct their

large cash or stock portfolio donations to the Bugle Scoffers.

Just knowing the vast sums of money we'll be pouring into the Bugles accounts will be enough to spur me on.

I'll be saving up fresh bugles between now and the marathon without listening to them.

Oh, great.

So that I get only the freshest bullshit in my ears for maximum effect.

If, therefore, at some point at the end of March, you could please sling some suitably barbed insults at me as I hit the hard miles with the second half of the marathon, I'm sure they'll spur me on to the finish.

Your humble humble listener, James Gilbert.

That is...

Run, James.

Run, man.

Run.

Sprint hard for the first five and then coast.

That is the key with a marathon.

That's terrible advice, James.

Do not.

I hope you're already not sprinting.

That is the worst thing you could do.

He's not going to make it.

What you need to do is eat as big a meal as possible just before you start.

Like 20 miles to 25 and a half miles is the maddest I've ever been in all my life.

It is like torture.

If he is bugling at that time,

good luck to him.

We cannot be held responsible for it.

But if you do want to sponsor James in his heroic effort to simultaneously run a marathon and listen to the bugle, then thebuglepodcast.com.

It's all there for you, buglers.

Keep those volunto subscriptions coming in and do keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com and check out our SoundCloud page soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle

sport now and US relations with North Korea have been a little tricky lately Andy but thankfully there's been a bizarre breakthrough of some sporting diplomacy as this week North Korea welcomed Dennis Rodman and the Harlem Globetrotters to Pyongyang.

Let's just pause for a moment, let that sentence sink into our ears.

They were apparently there with Vice magazine who were shooting a documentary for HBO.

Apparently this was able to take place because Kim Jong-un is a huge basketball fan.

The details of the trip have been understandably sketchy so far, but I can only hope that if the Supreme Leader suddenly fancied a pickup game with the Harlem Globetrotters, they had the good sense to find a way to lose that game, Andy.

I know it won't have been easy, but I hope they were able to get that chubby baby to dunk on them, even if they had to hold him up to the basket themselves.

And a quick word of advice to Mr.

Dennis Rodman.

Andy, please, Dennis, for the love of God, I hope you took it down a notch while you were over.

Remember, these people live in the most austere, isolated, homogenous place on the planet.

And frankly, the sight of a six and a half foot blonde African-American guy with multiple piercings and eyeliner may be sensory overload for them.

Well, I mean, you'd expect him to be good because, of course, as we know, Kim Jong-un's dad, Kim Jong-il, was an absolute terrific sportsman, world record-breaking golfer.

The best.

And I believe, in fact, in basketball, he once scored 270 points in a game and also got 120 rebounds.

Yep.

Yeah.

So

he's a good former.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's it for this week's bugle.

Thanks very much for listening.

There's nothing else to say, really.

Oh, wow.

That really petered out, Andrew.

Absolutely dumb.

That is not how you sprint for it.

I had a bullshit peek early on in this episode.

That is a low-energy flame out.

Yeah, do subscribe if you can be asked.

Oh, I'm checking out some samples for the merch next week.

Oh, good.

So this is now

the ruthless commercial machine that is the bugle.

Yeah.

Or five and a half years after its founding, a year and a quarter after it went independent, the merch is imminent.

So, uh,

I mean, these are historic days we're living in.

New Pope, new merch.

What more do you fkers want?

All right, Andy.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.