Bugle 223 – Invasion of the Asylugrants

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com

The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 223 of the Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World for the week beginning Monday the 11th of February 2013 and welcome to what will hopefully be a full issue of the bugle this week after last week's cyber attack by the forces of technology stole away half of the show we'd recorded first a chunk of the bugle went missing then there was a massive power cut at the super bowl next stop Armageddon but luckily or unluckily, depending on your view of these things and how much money you've got riding on it, the world did not actually end this week.

So we're back.

And I am Andy Zaltzmann, five-time winner of Britain's Least Useful Man Award here in London.

And joining me from the Ice Age Wasteland, that is New York City, is the man with his finger very much on the funny pulse, which would be a good thing if he wasn't also holding a pillow over funny's face.

It's John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

And Buglers, I'm sorry that you missed last week, especially Andy's inability to be trusted with the fact that the bugle had three of the same numbers in it.

That was a pretty low-grade discipline for Andy.

That's basically only into my ears now.

Only I had to suffer that.

Anyway, as a side note to today's bugle, Andy, I forgot to mention last week, but Rolling Stone had a list of the 50 funniest people in the world right now, Andy, an entirely scientific, not remotely subjective list of the quality of humor provided on the planet.

And I was number 26, Andy.

Number...

Number 20, think about that for a second.

That means there are only 25 potential scenarios in which you could be having a better time right now.

Let's try and put that number in context as well, Andy, because as a guy in Denver was pointing out to me last week, the first half of that list are probably all aging corporate sellouts.

So you can get rid of them straight away, which means they're number 26.

It's actually number one, Andy.

Number one.

That's a maths fact, Andy.

And you can't angle with a maths fact.

Where was I on the list, John?

Well, I was on the list, Andy, so I, you know, I think you're on basically as well.

Oh, all right, cool.

Awesome.

Yeah.

I'll take 20.

What's mine is yours, Andy.

So this is Bugle 223, which coincidentally is the response given by Henry VIII when asked by one of his new wives what the optimum number of spare heads she should bring on their honeymoon was.

Duh, 223.

Also, 11th of February means it'll be on Monday, 363 years to the day.

since the 17th century philosophy celeb René Descartes, famous for his I think, therefore I am catchphrase, was at home with Mrs.

Descartes, who wanted to repaint the upstairs bathroom.

René, she said, I really like this lilac colour.

What do you think about it?

He replied, oh, nothing.

Oh, shit, I'm dead now.

And it's also 11th of February National Inventors Day in the USA, this year's featured inventions, the Suprasurface Submarine, that's a submarine that doesn't go underwater but floats on top.

The Silent Hammer for 24-hour DIY without waking up your family, friends, or the person who's run a barricade into their room for a joke.

And the time-saving News Toaster, an internet-enabled breakfast accessory that burns the morning's headlines into your bread to enable you to catch up on all the news without having to waste time listening to the radio.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week.

Next Thursday, John, as I'm sure you're very well aware, is Valentine's Day.

Oh, yeah, of course.

The patron saint of stalking anonymity and putting people in awkward situations.

And we have a special Valentine's Day feature section in the bin this week.

We'll look back to the St.

Valentine's Day massacre and ask, was that the clumsiest I love you message in history?

We give you tips on how to anonymisedly tell your loved one you've got the hots for them without gunning down seven mobsters in a garage, get your relationship off to a slightly less conversationally awkward start with, say, just a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates, or simply kneecapping a single mobster in a darkened alleyway.

We also look at the future of Valentine's Day Day following the British Parliament's vote to legalise gay marriage, despite the objections of traditionalists who are concerned about the legislation being backdated to force their late grandparents to at least try being gay.

And we ask, where will it end?

Is the Queen going to be made into a lesbian?

Also, we ask, will heterosexuals still be allowed to celebrate Valentine's Day?

Or will everyone who wants to valentise someone of the opposite sex also constitutionally have to anonymously proposition someone of the same or homosex?

And we ask, with their traditional belief that gay should suffer on earth as as well as burning in the fires of eternal hell now under threat could the innocent law-abiding religious nutjob community seek permission to ensure that gays are compelled legally to have to match the 40%

heterosexualist divorce rate that section is in the bin and John I'm delighted to announce that after the historic House of Commons votes this week to legalize gay marriage for the first time in bugle history homosexuals are allowed to listen to this podcast.

Oh, that's good.

Only through one earphone, not two.

One step at a a time.

One step at a time.

Still a historic moment.

It's still not natural.

Top story this week, immigration.

And immigration policy is a tricky banana to unpeel, Andy, but it's well worth it if you can get it open.

For, you know, inside is soft, sweet compassion for your fellow human beings.

Just be careful where you throw that peel, because that's a banana skin that can trip you out of office.

And big immigration news on both sides of the Atlantic at the moment.

First up, British citizenship!

And in Britain, Andy, as you know, the unofficial immigration policy is,

we're an island, there's no room.

If we get any more people on this island, we're going to sink.

You're simply too heavy to live here.

I'm sorry.

Good day.

I said good day.

The UK government has introduced a new test for UK citizenship where applicants will have to correctly answer questions about Britishness ranging from principles of medieval land ownership to the invention of the hovercraft.

And sure, Andy, I mean that, look, that seems fair.

What immigrants should not have at least a working knowledge of medieval land ownership?

I mean,

just to be clear, the extent of my knowledge of medieval land ownership is that there was probably land back in medieval times and some people probably owned it.

That's the beginning and the end of my knowledge.

I think King Arthur lived on some land, but I'm not sure if he owned it or not.

He might have leased it from that lady that lived in the water.

Like I said, I just don't know.

But I don't need to know, Andy.

That's the point.

Because I'm not applying to be British.

I don't need to.

I already am British.

I'm fully qualified.

Well, you were.

You were British, John.

The qualification doesn't go away, Andy.

I'm not sure that's legally true, but I feel it in my heart.

But

the new citizenship test is intended to put more emphasis on British history and achievements than previous versions.

So I think it's very important, John, for would-be asylum grants to know about British history, because it means that when they're sitting their immigration test to see if they're going to be able to be British enough and they've come up against a question, list the reasons why you and thousands like you are moving away from your own country and trying to move to Britain, you can simply answer British history.

Well,

as well, though, you're right.

Let's not wrap racism in a cloak of claiming that you want to educate people here.

Why don't they just write the immigration test that they actually want to, Andy, and simply hand potential immigrants a piece of paper with f ⁇ k off written on it.

And when they say, this doesn't seem to be a question, simply reply, oh, oh, it is.

It is a question.

And you can answer it correctly by f ⁇ ing off.

The test will also include the achievements of Motty Python, Rudyard Kipling, and Andrew Lloyd-Webber and are all included in a 180-page Home Office syllabus, which asks potential citizens to learn about British history, culture and values from the Stone Age to the 2010 general election when British history ends.

Before they take a new and a more tough life in the UK test as part of the government's intention to dramatically reduce net migration.

And I have to say, Andy, I do like the idea of Monty Python featuring on this.

test because you can learn a lot about the British psyche from the fact that we love them so much.

Look, you're going to be living in a country where we found these men dressed up as ladies talking in squeaky voices, slapping each other with fish and making kierkegaard jokes.

We love them.

If you're on board with that, you're more than welcome to sachet in.

But British values have of course shifted with time and necessity and we've let go some previous values that we used to hold dear such as enslaving massive numbers of people

and invading anywhere that had anything that even looked like it might look smart in a museum.

So these things are always constantly shifting, John.

And as the famous ancient Roman soldier, gladiator and philosopher Maximus Decimus Meridius himself once said, what we do in life echoes in eternity, by which I think he meant, can't have an Oscar.

There is so much blood in this film.

But immigration in the 21st century is just full of these echoes of what Britain has done in its life, you know, for good and bad through British history.

And look at my daughter's school class, John, says children in her class, about 30 kids in her class.

And they come from maybe 15 or more different national and ethnic backgrounds.

It's like a living lesson in global and British history.

And trying to explain to my six-year-old daughter why children whose families come from all corners of the world are sharing the same class.

It's quite difficult without sitting her down and saying, right, you know how around about the end of the last ice age, the land bridge between Britain and continental Europe was flooded, making us an island again?

Right, well, it all basically started from there, and then a few thousand years later, the Romans invaded and so on and so on and so on.

Until, as you say, history ended in 2010.

It might even be easy to go further back to when the first fish climbed out of the sea all of those millions of years ago and said I am done with swimming.

The applicants are going to be expected to score 75% or above in a 24-question multiple choice exam to secure a pass into Britain.

And migrant groups have attacked the new test as a lampoon of Britishness that made citizenship harder to achieve but for all the wrong reasons.

And the section on India and empire in general is likely to slightly wind up any Indians or Pakistanis who are applying because there is a box on the poet Rudyard Kipling with an extract from his poem, If, and a description of, for the most part, an orderly transition from empire to commonwealth with countries being granted their independence.

I'm guessing there's going to be a few hands going up during that exam and he's saying, excuse me.

I'm sorry, I just think there's a problem with this exam paper.

Unless that's a joke.

Is that one of your funny Monty Python jokes?

But I don't think it is because you're not dressed like a lady.

Or does orderly transition mean something different in English than I think it does?

Because the test seems to have omitted the fact that over a million people died in communal and religious violence at Britain's withdrawal during the partition in 1947.

And it would be great if all the questions were that revisionist, Andy.

All saying, How peaceful was the transition of power from Britain to India?

A.

Very peaceful.

B.

Remarkably peaceful.

C.

Ridiculously Ridiculously peaceful.

Or D.

I don't wish to live in Britain.

Or they could go even further, Andy, and actually make people sign guilt disclaimers as part of the test, absolving Britain historically from any blame regarding their country's behaviour.

So they could just sign a, I, the undersigned, hereby state that I shall not blame Britain at any point in the future for any action regarding my country of origin at any point in history.

Furthermore, any misfortunes my country may have experienced, I shall hereby state we've fully brought upon ourselves.

I shall hencefor refer to Britain's map drawing skills as perfection, and that Britain has an ability to put borders exactly where they were supposed to be.

Please don't listen to me anymore, a silogrant.

I don't think it's unfair, John, to expect people wanting to move to this country to accept our history for what we've pretended is.

Learn how we live.

Climb inside our heads.

Immigration adverts now and so much is the fear of the influx of Romanians and Bulgarians in Britain that Britain is actually considering launching a negative ad campaign in those two countries to persuade potential immigrants to stay away from the UK.

That the UK is essentially not that place.

Not that nice a place to live.

And I'm just not sure, Andy, that any other country would be capable of even thinking of an idea like that, let alone actually considering go through with it.

If anything, this could be just typical British modesty, you know, downplaying our country saying, actually, no, it is genuinely a pile of shit, honestly.

It really is.

But

that's the kind of people we are, John.

The plan, which apparently is going to focus on the downsides of British life, is one of a range of potential measures to stem immigration to Britain next year when

curbs imposed on both countries' citizens living and working in the UK are going to expire.

So a report over the weekend quoted one minister saying that such a negative advert would correct the impression that the streets here are paved with gold.

And I mean this is just amazing stuff, Andy, because it's quintessentially English.

We are such a negative group of people.

I don't think we might actually be able to pull that off.

There's no word yet on how the advert might look or whether it's going to try and make Britain just look as horrible as possible or try and encourage would-be migrants to wake up to the joys of their own lands.

But this is a whole new era for advertisers, Andy.

Countries around the world spend millions of dollars on hiring firms to promote them as tourist destinations.

You know, come to Britain, feel the history.

And it will be amazing to see adverts that say, don't come to Britain.

It really is tremendously overhyped.

Tremendously.

Albania, just as crap, but so much closer.

Paid for by the British Tourist Board.

But we just spent billions of pounds, Andy, on the Olympics to showcase ourselves as a vibrant modern country.

Clearly, we missed a huge opportunity to stage the most negative opening ceremony in Olympics history, focusing on the many reasons never to visit Britain.

Well, it just shows, John, that a number of people are prepared to take this into their own hands.

We had the riots in 2011, showed our youngsters patriotically trying to make Britain less attractive to foreigners.

I mean, you might find the sight of teenagers vomiting uncontrollably in every town centre in the country every single weekend a little bit disappointing, perhaps not the fulfillment of the national dream of freedom that our forefathers fought all those world wars for.

But I see it as their generation's dunkirk, John.

Just as our grandparents and great-grandparents got blitzed, so the new generation is getting blitzed in a different way.

They share the same ultimate goal to keep Britain independent and British.

And the government should not be...

I think we did a sketch on this in the department years ago, in fact, from a demolition day,

National Demolition Day, where to to to make Britain less attractive to the asylum groups, uh just one day a year we just smash up things like schools and hospitals.

And I don't think we are now far away from actually that becoming a government policy.

It's true.

They shouldn't play down disappointing economic figures either.

They should make them sound worse.

None of this talk of stability and holding a strong course in difficult times for long-term prosperity.

George Osborne should be standing on the dispatch box in the Houses of Parliament saying, we are looking at a decade of of piss.

We should make a pitch for this commercial, Andy.

We could give them the perfect bugle Don't Come to Britain advert.

Don't come to Britain.

It would be the biggest mistake you've ever made.

It rains all the time, and the food is terrible.

The Queen's a bitch, and she's the nicest person in the entire country.

If you wanted to join a thriving nation, you're simply 300 years too late.

Our best years are way behind us, And we haven't even mentioned the racism.

We have derogatory terms for you, whatever nation you're from, that are so racist, they're almost not racist.

Believe us, the only people that we hate more than you is each other.

On a Friday night, you're expected to drink until you pass out in the middle of a roundabout.

Oh yes, by the way, we have roundabouts.

The beauty of them is that they're the easiest imaginable way to die in a car crash.

And if you do survive them, you'll wake up into the parochial nightmare that is modern Britain.

Oh, one more thing you should know.

We're so emotionally repressed, we'll never actually be able to express any of this to you and therefore move past it.

Instead, we will communicate with you with a mixture of passive aggression and snootiness.

Let us never speak of this ever again.

Enjoy your life.

I said good day.

Good day to you, sir.

I once got drunk the night of my A-level results and fell asleep in a roundabout.

Did you get away from that?

And was taken home in a police car.

It's not my proudest moment, but I thought this was an appropriate time to share it.

It's never going to be a more appropriate one.

Was that after the A-level?

That was when you got the results?

That was the day I got my results.

Two C's of DNE.

Oh, right, I see.

Yes.

There you go.

So, I mean, was that celebrating or commiserating?

It was somewhere

started at one end and ended at the other.

Hello, Mr.

Roundabout.

As an amazing side note to all of this, Andy, apparently, Romania has already responded by launching a media campaign poking fun at British anxiety about Romanians flooding over to Britain called, Why Don't You Come Over?

The campaign is trying to convince British people to come and live in Romania with photos of Kate and Pippa Middleton over lines like, Half of our women look like Kate, the other half like her sister.

Oh, no, hold on.

Hold on, Romanians.

You do not joke about Pippa.

Pippa is not for joking, Romanians.

Pippa is for enjoying.

Oh, sweet Pippa.

Don't listen to those nasty Romanians.

Beautiful lady.

Have you finished on that one, John?

At least verbally.

Anyway.

There are concerns that changes to our immigration laws could restrict the number of skilled immigrants coming to Britain, including some crucial occupations, including heart specialists, radiologists, radioactive waste managers, petroleum engineers, pediatricians, satirical podcasters, cartoon voiceover artists and science and mathematics teachers.

Clearly, I mean, definitely at least in two of those categories, more vacancies than there were six and a half years ago.

But it was very economically short-sighted, John, to stop these people coming.

Because not only do they do very important jobs in our country, but by getting them here, we also stop them doing those presumably equally, if not more important, jobs in their own countries.

Now, this gives us a serious competitive edge in the global marketplace.

Can you seriously tell me, BNP and other immigration skeptics, that more deaths and stupider children in our competitors' countries is not going to help us get back to being the greatest nation in the world?

We need unrestricted immigration for the sake of keeping Britain great.

That is the only way forward, John.

US immigration news now.

And what, what Andy obviously America's attitude to immigration has changed a little over the years from give me your tired you're poor you're huddled masses yearning to breathe free to something more like a you know what we're good on tired poor huddled masses for now do you have anything in a fully qualified Indian doctor now

it seems like reform immigration reform is finally going to happen here.

Now, why is that reform happening?

Now, is it out of compassion?

No.

Is it out of electoral opportunism?

Yes.

Does that really matter as long as it happens?

Well, I suppose not, but it's not really the most poetic way for this to finally take place, is it?

I'm sure that Hispanic men were not looking down at their sons for the last hundred years saying, one day, Mijo, one day our community will not live under the fear of having families torn apart.

When, Papa?

When will this happen?

Ah, I shall tell you, Mijo.

It shall happen when one side is reluctantly forced to come to terms with the fact that changing demographics have painted them into a corner and it must listen to basic mathematics if it's to survive as a political entity.

Let us hope so, Papa.

Yeah.

Yes, Miho.

See.

Immigrants in America.

That's fair enough.

You know, Javier Bardem can't do all the films himself, can he?

I'm on your toes, Bardem.

Immigrants in America, Andy, have spent years appealing to politicians' hearts.

It turned out that they didn't really have any.

They're appealing to their heads instead.

Because the received wisdom is that the White House must achieve immigration reform within the year.

Once Congress enters 2014, everything's going to turn to the midterm elections.

Republican Congress members are going to become increasingly disinclined to risk incurring the wrath of extreme parts of their party by voting yes.

I mean, it's all so depressing.

And it's so depressingly cynical, a way to get something fundamentally positive from happening.

And President Obama had made a big speech about immigration and he made a big

play of the difference in immigration as an issue of us and them, saying a lot of folks forget that most of us used to be them.

It's really important to remember our history.

Unless you're one of the first Americans, a Native American, you came from someplace else.

And it's it's a nice sentiment, Andy.

Name-checked Irish, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles, Russians, Italians, people in the West Indies.

Talked about the huddled masses coming through Ellis Island.

And it's a nice sentiment, and he's not wrong, but it's a bit rich coming from someone who has deported more people than any other US president, Andy.

He's presently, the Obama administration deports an average of 12,000 more people per month than President Bush did.

So I'm glad he's coming around, Andy.

But let's not claim that this is the king, the king of compassionate immigration here.

Well, it's good to hear that it's an emotive subject in America as well as here.

Traditionally, of course, both sides of the Atlantic, the political snooker ball swung round and round the head of the politicians and then smashed into the electorate's eye sockets.

And both sides, you get people bleating like three-legged sheep on a snowboard about this sort of supposed wave of

immigrants coming over to steal.

the culture that we'd previously stolen from them and panic generally spreading through the nation like a hedgehog under a steamroller.

So I think it's time that we both grew up as a nation, John.

Insults news now.

Listen up, you asshole.

And

just to get a sense of where Britain is as a country, if people do want to immigrate to it, Andy, the crime of insulting someone through words or behavior is apparently to be dropped in the UK.

It was a crime which once led to, among other things, the arrest of a student for for asking a police officer if his horse was gay.

Now,

clearly, Andy, that is a ludicrous arrest.

That wasn't necessarily an insult.

The student may have just known another gay horse and may have wondered whether the two horses would like to go on a horse date, maybe go eat some gay hay somewhere together.

But the House of Lords has issued a statement scrapping the ban on insulting words in Britain, and the House of Commons have said that they will not seek to overturn it.

And this all goes back to section five of the Public Order Act of 1986.

Which section that is.

Oh,

what a section.

It currently states that threatening, abusive or insulting words or behaviour may be deemed a criminal offence.

Now, unfortunately, the problem with that is that that is a description of how most British people choose to communicate with each other nowadays.

Most families in the UK show their affection for one another through threatening, abusive or insulting words and behaviour.

You and I, Andy, have basically built a lifelong friendship from those actions.

Now, that's really

this.

This law does not acknowledge, Andy, that our language in Britain has evolved, or devolved, to the point that some people use some of the most offensive words of the English language as terms of endearment.

Do you, Beth, take this Anthony to be your stupid f ⁇ ing husband?

Oh, I do.

I do.

Well, it's better that, you know, you communicate through verbal insults such as this rather than

the royal family used to communicate through massive world wars with each other's countries.

So

forward.

Theresa May, the Home Secretary, said, I respect the review taken by their lordships.

They had concerns, which I know are shared by some in this House, that Section 5 encroaches upon freedom of expression.

Now, there's always a careful balance to be struck between protecting our proud tradition of free speech and taking action against those who cause widespread offence with their actions.

She said that the government had supported the retention of the word insulting to prevent people swearing at police officers, protesters burning poppies or similar scenarios.

But the problem is, Andy, that is exactly the kind of time when you need the retention of insulting words.

If someone is burning a poppy, it's very important that you retain the right to call them a c.

It's very.

If not then, when, Andy?

Plus, the English language has been forged over centuries through by exquisitely articulate insults.

Shakespeare once wrote that thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.

Winston Churchill compared Charles de Gaulle to a female llama who has been surprised in the bath.

I don't quite get the reference from Big Winston there, but it sounds insulting.

Even though it also insinuates that Winston Churchill had seen a female llama in the bath.

He certainly seemed pretty confident in his point of reference there, so to be fair, I think that insult asks more questions than it actually answers.

It does suggest that the Germans might have been using pantomime llamas as spies.

The point is, insults are an important part of our national dialogue, Andy, and they cannot be taken away from us, you f.

Oh, if it was a crime at the time, oh, the names and addresses of all 400 people are in the Manchester comedy store December the 22nd, 2002.

Horse meat scandal latest now, and economy savoury foods manufacturer Omnisnout has claimed that it is now fully confident that its beef products contain a maximum of 49% horse meat.

After tests revealed that an Omnisnout cottage pie filling contained 0% beef rather than the 120% beef proclaimed on the packaging, the company has quotes re-educated its supply chain to effect a quote majority de-equestrianisation.

The pie was revealed to contain a combination of horse meat, wood chippings, commemorative figurines of cows, vegetarian concrete, Barbie dolls, condor walrus and and traces of up to 50 separate autobiographies of professional golfers, including Monty by Colin Montgomery, Lee Trevino's, they call me Supermex, Bernhard Langer's, Gettysburg and See Holt Scheisbalen,

Jim Furick's, I'm Jim Fing Furick, have you got a golf problem with that, and Nick Faldos, and Nick Faldos, a la Racher du Golf Balls Purdue.

One pie was even found to contain not only three quarters of the air from a horse's nostril, but also fragments of a jockey's racing silks and a torn-up betting slip from the prominent French racetrack Longchamp.

So Greville Balk, the managing director of OmnisNout, said, whilst I understand that our customers are disappointed to find that they had unwittingly eaten bits of horse penis, we can assure them that from now on they will only be eating mashed up cow sphincters as they'd come to expect and demand and love.

With regard to our Omnisnout budget gobble chops allegedly containing dog throat, rat nut and hedgehog tool, we would like to emphasise that the quality of the food was not affected.

It was no more dangerous than usual and slightly cheaper.

Plus, it should be remembered that these items are considered delicacies in some cultures anyway.

The presence of jellig night was, we insist, an administrative error caused by overhasty ordering by an employee who was very drunk, and it was in negligible quantities.

Very few of the food products actually exploded and would probably have done so anyway had gelatin been used as planned.

Sir Gravel, who was knighted in 2003 for his services to unrealistically cheap food, added, The reconstituents of our products will continue to be absolutely and legally edible.

We can assure our customers that we're doing everything in our power to ensure no such controversies arise again and they never have to think about what is in our products whilst cooking them, eating them or attempting to digest them.

Extremely dead king news now and finally the waiting is over, buglers, after so much speculation.

It has been confirmed in the last week that former English king Richard III is definitely dead.

The British Glen Miller is now confirmed expired due to wounds sustained in the process of being killed killed in a battle in the year 1485

after remains found in a car park in Leicester proved to have DNA links to his descendants.

And

extraordinary story, particularly how they found

these remnants in this kind of car park, John.

I guess

whoever was looking for the skeleton of Richard III

must have just had a bit of a hunch.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's just a one-off.

That's just a hit and run, mate.

Hit and run.

One-off.

It's just, you've occasionally said it's a one-off, Andy.

Yeah, no, no, I'm doing six to seven minutes.

Well, no, look, mate.

Of hump-based.

I think that was a justifiable joke that, you know, you would have been remiss if you'd done a whole story on

someone.

I mean, you punch in the sentence that you're in right now.

I'm surprised.

On edge.

Surprisingly finding the skeleton of a king who's been dead for 500 years who famously had a hunchback without using the words had had a bit of a hunch.

I can't see how anyone could have done that.

I understand.

I'm just on high pun alert even now.

I've been clean for six months.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but that's so simple.

I've been falling through this, John.

Richard III, of course, pretty divisive in life,

participant in a 25-year civil war that ripped England apart.

Pretty divisive in death.

The victim of what supporters say was an orchestrated smear campaign by gutter playwrights like William Shakespeare.

And now still divisive in the afterdeath, John, an argument has broken out between York, the city franchise that Richard represented when king, and Leicester, where his body was found, where he's hung out for the last 527 years, both claiming they should get to look after his wonky corpse.

And that just

shows how, as you would say, we can have an argument with about anything in this country, John.

Argue over a 500-year-old dead king, where he gets to live.

That showed what a controversial issue that civil war was as well.

Famously, Richard's last words, according to Shakespeare were, a horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.

And that

classic panic buying in wartime, John, an instant inflation in the price of horse.

And apparently the Lancastrian forces replied, will a cheap burger do instead?

Boom!

Boom!

Is this on?

I'm so tired.

I think those were probably his penultimate words, and I think his final words, unrecorded were probably, I just hope that one day i'm not found underneath the car park anyway that's it that's it from me i'm about to die now i just please just not not not a car park because that just seems like it just seems ridiculous so no car parks otherwise i'm good okay a horse

but there's been a lot of uh discussion about richard iii uh one of the most opinion-splitting monarchs in british history very it's very hard to get an understanding what he was really like because of the partisan reporting of the time the uh most of the uh media at the time was owned by powerful business and political interests, so it's very hard to get an objective picture of the real man.

Does that sound at all familiar to anyone?

America.

Boom again, Anne.

Yeah, because we have scrupulously fair and independent media in this country.

Some claim Richard was a good, fair king and a champion of the common man.

such as historian John Rouse at the time.

Others take an opposite view, including historian John Rouse, who changed his early position once it was clear who'd won that civil war, and portrayed Richard as a freakish individual born with teeth and shoulder-length hair after having been in his mother's womb for two years.

Very much the Fox News of his day.

It's proved a big boost as well for tourism in the city of Leicester.

Helen Fairhead from Leicestershire Promotion said that the new exhibition

of Richard III based around the dig for his body has given a boost to tourism in the city.

This is extremely exciting for us, she said.

I've never known anything quite as phenomenal as this in our region in terms of the impact it will have on local tourism and the economy.

Now,

with all due respect to Lester, particularly as I'm doing a gig there next weekend with lots of new material, roll up, Bugless, roll up.

It is a bit of a worry if the most exciting thing in your tourism history is digging up a 500-year-old corpse.

Your emails now and we have a great email here from Alex Thomas who says, dear Andy, Chris and John, in order of enjoyment of puns, that is the correct order.

No one can enjoy them less.

Is that reverse order or not?

No, I don't think so.

I've just donated to help save the bugle, but felt there might be more that I could do.

So I came up with the following limerick.

There is a great podcast, The Bugle, which sadly has to be frugal.

Give them some money so they can be funny.

Find Find their donation page with Google.

Very nice, Andy.

I thought about writing a haiku as well, said Alex.

But while crafting the composition, I realized your scheme to subliminally haiku us all.

The opening, the Bugle podcast, audio newspaper for visual world.

It's in fact one of the many haikus you've hidden within the bugle.

I'm sure you're doing it for our own good, but with great power comes great ability to screw things up.

All the best, Alex Thomas.

P.S.

Don't screw up.

So

again, I love a passive-aggressive email, Andy.

Yeah.

Squad, thanks very much for your donation and approach.

Don't forget, you can, in fact, we're going to extend the 2% off your donation offer

for another week because it's proved so popular.

So still 2% off, a figure of your own choosing.

This email came in from Miriam in New Zealand, who writes, Dear Andy Zoltzcat, John Meowliver and Purdue Sir Chris, in order of how much I want to name a cat after you.

That's it.

That's what I would call cats if I named them after you.

Yours, Miriam from New Zealand.

Listen, Andy,

it burned intensely with a fire of bullshit.

And it intensely made it brief.

That was a short, completely nonsensical email, and I love it.

And we have an email here from Amy Carroll from Arlington, Massachusetts, who says, dear John, Andy and Chris, I was recently asked by a friend to sign his petition asking President Obama to come on his cable access show and I, like a good friend, did so.

After electronically signing said petition, I became curious as to what exactly people at present are petitioning the White House for and began browsing the various active petitions.

Boy, was I surprised.

Among the 279 active petitions was the following.

All signature counts are accurate at the time this email was sent.

One, require that all civilian firearms be painted pink.

1,631 signatures.

Two, make dance education.

Surely.

I think there is no way that would not help gun crime.

Exactly.

It would definitely, I'm not saying it would solve the problem of gun violence, but it would certainly assist it.

And any idea is a good idea at this point.

Partition number two, make dance education a right of every child at any level of schooling, 655 signatures.

Three, the president should pick a date of his choosing and declare that day as Gun Appreciation Day.

Oh boy.

1,642 signatures.

And grant

position number four, Grant Kennedy centre honours to William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, George Takai, Walter Kenning, and

Nichelle Nichols.

1179 signatures.

But the one that stuck out the most to me was titled the following.

Declare the Monday following the Super Bowl a national holiday.

Now, having just watched the bitterly disappointing and Beyoncé-centric Super Bowl, I was not surprised at the idea that some Baltimore Ravens fan thought this up.

However, I was shocked to learn that said petition was created 10 days ago and in that time acquired 14,424 signatures.

Could this be a thing?

Could the Monday after Super Bowl actually become a holiday?

Essentially giving the entire country a day to recover from a bad hangover?

I'll be eagerly checking to see if this little engine could actually get 100,000 signatures by February 23rd.

Their deadline, who's with me?

Best Amy Caroll.

So, well, there you go, Andy.

Isn't democracy fun?

This email came into our in-house Bugle Agony aunt.

And do send your own queries in.

And it came from a Chris aged 58, formerly from the Westminster area of London, who describes himself as a former cabinet minister and until this week, a member of parliament.

And he says, Dear Bugle Agony Aunt, my wife and I had a bit of a falling out a while ago, in which I allegedly made her take the rat for my speeding offence before I then went on to have an affair with a member of my campaign staff, causing the end of a 25-year marriage and prompting my understandably irate and now vengeful wife to reveal said motoring offence shtick to a newspaper, thus bringing about my certain political downfall, the destruction of my personal reputation, my probable jailing, as well as untold family eruptions and the lively possibility of herself also being sent to prison for perving all over the course of justice.

So, tell me, Bugle Agony Aunt, do you think our relationship has any future?

Well, Chris, I don't know, it's going to take a

writing in.

It's going to take a lot of rebuilding work.

Yes.

I'm not a relationship expert, but I think,

I mean, it doesn't look good currently.

Those are a lot of issues to work through, but you know, step by step.

So that's all for this week's Bugle.

Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

Do not forget to take advantage of the extended 2% off your Bugle voluntary subscription until next week only, when we'll probably extend it again until

we've managed a sustainable business plan for this podcast.

Lent begins this week.

John, are you giving anything up?

Of course.

Of course.

Yeah, of course.

Everything.

I'm giving everything up, Andy.

I'm going to be like a camel.

I'm eating and drinking and storing it up in my hump.

My lovely lady humps.

Yeah, that's it.

Everything.

Everything.

Because

I've had some details on what other celebrities are getting up for Lent.

Singer Taylor Swift is laying down her chainsaw for 40 days.

There are hardly any trees left in my neighbourhood, admitted the amateur tree slayer.

So I'm going to put Larita in the shed for six weeks and let them grow back.

But then come Easter, all bets are off.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.

Whilst America's Nobel Prize science ace Richard F.

Heck is giving up palladium-catalyzed cross-couplings in organic synthesis.

Sure, he said, I won my Nobel Prize for it, but there is such a thing as too much palladium-catalyzed cross-coupling in organic synthesis.

And former tennis ace Suzanne Longlon is giving up breathing.

She said at a press conference, I did lay off oxygen big time in 1938 when I I died, but I thought I might as well formalise it now.

Whilst actor and statesman Arnold Schwarzenegger is giving up playing ping pong, it affects the way you look at the world, he wept, and especially at tables.

I just find myself looking at any table thinking, could I string a little net across that and ping some pong all over it?

So that's it, buglers.

Thanks for listening.

We did say I think in the re-recorded intro for last week's show that we'd have the Marley bit that was lost last week, but we're going to save that for next week because we did.

Just trusting the fact that Marley is still going to be an issue.

Which, and you can imagine that we had recorded it again this week and it had been lost again.

If you were that makes you feel better about it, yeah.

But until then, goodbye.

Bye.

Thebuglepodcast.com.

Click.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.