Bugle 217 – Silvio’s Christmas Gift

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The Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 217 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world week beginning Monday the 17th of December 2012 the last full bugle of 2012 unquestionably one of the years of the decade so far with me and his oldsman verifiably live in London and if you don't believe me listen to this

the unmistakable sound of the British ooping rat hibernating and joining me from the city that once hosted a meeting between Mike Simpson and Lizzie Jones probably i've no idea who they are but statistically at some point two people with those names did meet in new york it's the man who's proved himself over the years, unquestionably, a useful component of this podcast.

I think most buglers would agree.

It's John Oliver.

Well, careful not to oversell that, Andy.

You are quite the hype, man.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Well, frankly,

you Mayans, we're still here.

Apparently, the end of the world could technically come any time between now and next Friday, but frankly, I don't see any volcanoes exploding, Andy.

So this apocalypse so far has been a huge letdown i should have been surfing down a river of fire by now andy and it looks like i've flame-proofed my board for nothing um but

welcome back from india andy how was your trip oh it was excellent john was i can confirm the weather is hotter in india than it is in london in december that that's not that's been scientifically proven now that's not just a conspiracy theory no no no i think i do have evidence for that yeah okay and now you actually got caught up in something of a football riot over there, did you?

Well, yeah, I mean, I wasn't personally responsible for it.

I was going to talk about it.

Why do you say that?

I'll talk about it in the sports section of the show.

But

it was certainly, you know,

not what you picture when you imagine India.

You do not picture 100,000 football fans going bonkers.

Was it your attempt in a way to bring some of the culture of our great national sport over to India in the hope that it takes off?

Yeah, I mean, that's right.

We've given so much to India.

Yeah.

You know,

and taken so much away from India that

there's no denying that yeah so as the British Museum can testify

so yeah football hooliganism yeah it's one of our great defining national characteristics and it seemed a shame for India to

get the railways but miss out on that so well we'll talk about it later Andy we'll talk about that later in sports yeah and there's there's a lot of differences John between India and Britain a taxis a bit more expensive here you can cross probably the whole of India for what it costs you to climb into a London cab.

And the difference between rich and poor is even more striking in India.

Partly because in Britain we've learnt to apply the out-of-sight, out-of-mind principle much more effectively than they have yet.

I'm sure they'll pick it up.

It's learnt.

It'll come.

It'll come.

As always, a section of this audio newspaper is going straight into the bin this week.

Step-by-step guides.

to how to break the alleged non-existence of Santa Claus to your children.

The time may have come once your children have reached the age of 13 or 14 to finally let them in to the fact that Santa Claus does not exist.

And we have four suggested ways to tell them.

Method A.

Kids, sit down.

I've got some bad news.

I'm sorry, but Father Christmas died in an 820 mile-an-hour sleigh smash last night.

One of his reindeers snagged an antler in an overhead power cable.

Don't worry, wouldn't have felt a thing.

No, they don't really know why they were flying so low.

And they did think they'd found the black box recorder, but it actually turned out it was just a black box with a child's recorder in it.

So,

yeah, basically, what I'm saying is you're not getting your BMX unless you can put it together from the child wreckage spread over three acres in a field in northern Germany.

Yes, Germany.

No, I don't think it was too soon for him to have them back on the list of countries that he visits.

Yeah, well, it was terrible, and it was 70-odd years ago now.

No, no, no, I don't agree with that, and technically, it's now the sins of the great-great-grandfather, anyway.

Method B.

Yeah, bad news.

Yeah, well, he's been arrested in a police probe.

I'm sure he's innocent, but But with hindsight, the way he dressed and his obsession with gifts for children.

No, no, I'm sure he's innocent.

He's definitely innocent.

Method C.

Oh, you didn't believe that shit, did you?

Fat pensioner delivering presents to hundreds of millions of children around the world in one night.

Grow the f up, kid.

And method D.

Yeah, closed down on health and safety grounds.

Reindeer roaming around his office and workshop, crapping everywhere.

You might have been able to swing that shit in the 1970s, but not anymore.

Thank you, Brussels.

That section in the picture.

Top story this week, season's greetings.

Ho, ho, ho.

It's a holiday bugle.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Right?

Well, I mean, that's something there's probably quite a lot of animated Christmas movies coming up in the next few years, John.

I think it's got to be exactly what I'm thinking about.

Lay down a marker there, mate.

Obviously, it's too late for this year, but this is the time of the year that you're thinking about next year's holiday movies.

And I think I've put myself right in the sweet spot there.

Haven't I, Andy?

Now, Buglers, this episode is best listened to next to a roaring fire with snow falling lightly outside and a reindeer slowly cooking over the flames.

It's Christmas time, or any of the other holidays that crash land around this time of year.

I'd ask you what night of Hanukkah it is, Andy, but but for the fact that I can be absolutely sure that you don't know.

Well, they all blend into one, John.

It's just such a nice thing.

No, they don't.

No, they don't, Andy.

I mean, they very much don't.

A candle's a candle, you know.

Not true, Andy.

Not true.

What a bad you.

So anyway, the point is, before we go on break for a couple of weeks, we have a special holiday bugle to keep you warm and toasty.

First up, Christianity news.

This is the time of year, of course, where some Christians like to both celebrate the birth of Christ and also bitterly complain about how no one else can celebrate anything unless it's also Christ birth based.

For them Santa has no place in Christmas celebrations unless he too is willing to be nailed to a piece of wood and bleed to death.

Because for Christianity, Christmas is the most celebratory and also the most passive aggressive couple of weeks imaginable.

And in Christians defense, Andy, Santa does only do good work one night a year.

Jesus was doing it 365 days a year.

Jesus was a year-round Santa, if you will.

An all-weather Saint Nick, a four-season Father Christmas, a 24-7 Sinta Klaus!

Sinta Klaus!

Ecacia Sinta Klaus!

That's terrible what they did, isn't it Andy?

That's just terrible.

Let's move on mate.

It's terrible.

It's just awful.

Here in America, there are lots of Christians who feel inexplicably persecuted by being in a gigantic majority.

But in the UK, Christianity recently had some news that it may want to genuinely worry about.

In a major census, it was discovered that there were 4 million fewer Christians in England and Wales in 2011 than just 10 years earlier.

What happened to them?

Have they been hidden somewhere, Andy?

What have you been doing with Christians over there?

Because there are some very fat lions in London Zoo rubbing their bellies going, oh,

that takes me back.

The census found that among those who stated a religious affiliation, Christians remained the largest group by far, 33.2 million representing 59% of residents in Britain.

This compares with 37.3 million, 72%,

in 2001.

The censor revealed that Britain's second most common category was no religion.

comprising more than a quarter of the population.

So that is great news for atheists, Andy.

They're going to be so excited when they die and they're welcomed into the embrace of just a black void, a complete nothingness, saying, yes, life was meaningless.

I knew it.

Yeah, you're right.

I technically don't win anything with this victory.

I do now have a huge empty chasmus feeling inside, but it's still good to know that I was right.

And that, Andy, would be a great time to have God suddenly switch on a light and say, surprise, Christian God, it was me all along.

Look at his face.

I will never get tired of seeing that shocked expression.

Anyway, lovely to meet you.

Enjoy burning in eternal hell.

Wasted Sundays, my ass.

Hold on, turn the lights off.

There's another one coming.

Everybody, be quiet.

Surprise!

Well, this is it, John.

You know, we're still over 30 million Christians in Britain, but almost none of them actually go to church.

And I think people are, it's basically just a cover bet for exactly that situation.

Yeah.

You know, if you get there, you're an atheist.

You get pulled up by God on the way out.

of life and then you can say to actually i did i did call myself christian yeah on the census form surely just give me 10 years in the other place and then I'm allowed in.

Come on.

The Church of England is basically selling an insurance policy now, aren't they?

That's what religion basically is.

A spiritual cover bet on the annihilation of death.

Wow.

Why isn't that little slogan hung outside churches?

Well, it's always Jesus loves you.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Calling it as it really is.

The third most

is that is a great bumper sticker, though.

The third most popular category in England was Muslim, with numbers rising from 1.5 million to 2.7 million over the last 10 years.

That's 4.8% of the population.

Oh my God, Andy.

4.8% of the population.

But that's less than half a child in every 10 children.

The Muslims are coming, Andy.

The Muslims are coming.

It's happening.

The Muslims are here.

So, look, it's a a pretty big drop for Christianity.

There's no doubt about that, even though they do still have some pretty good market share.

If Christianity was a business, which it isn't definitely not, then the shareholders would, frankly, have some pretty tough questions to ask of the board.

Church leaders in England have described the latest census figures as challenging.

And so they already sound like an under-pressure CEO at a yearly review panel right there.

We know that this has not been the strongest quarter for Christianity, but we still believe we're a strong brand with broad appeal, loyal customer base.

That said, the numbers can clearly be improved.

The product can and will be tweaked.

And if we have to go out there and attack our competitors, then that's what we'll do.

We've done it before.

Frankly, we'll do it again.

Mark my words, 2013 is going to see the kind of aggressive growth that we haven't seen since the Crusades when we were sailing around the world murdering people.

I don't say that lightly.

Watch this space.

Watch it.

Catholicism is already making strides to modernise.

The Pope started tweeting this week.

Yeah, not before time, John.

Yeah.

Well, baby steps.

The Pope started tweeting this week, and that sentence alone, I think, may signify our descent into the fourth circle of hell.

That shows what an amazing year it's been, John.

Two people you'd never expected to start tweeting have started tweeting.

The Pope and you.

Yeah.

And Michael Atherton, the former England cricket captain.

Three people you just never thought would sully themselves with the debasements debasements of twitter i think the pope has already sent more tweets than i have andy yeah the pope sent his highly anticipated first twitter message from his personal account it's a what was that message andy he could have gone with uh what up bitches p-unit in your face you better redneck an eyes

i thought

was it not uh i don't know if i'm following the official account but i thought his first tweets was hey peeps pope ben here you're all sinners jesus is awesome hashtag yes ivati can

what incredibly Andy neither of those were the actual message even though they're great guesses and better than what came down his message was apparently sent from an iPad tablet at the Vatican and it read dear friends I'm pleased to get in touch with you through Twitter thank you for your generous response I bless all of you from my heart And that was it.

Not the funniest tweet he could have sent, Andy.

And he opted not to end the message with hashtag I am the actual Pope, hashtag appointed by God, or hashtag my house is huge.

But it was

But it was a very warm statement to dip his toe into the cessbit of Twitter.

You know, as you mentioned, unfortunately, if my experience was anything to go by, before he'd even logged out of Twitter, someone would have sent the Pope a message telling him to go eat a bag of dicks.

I guess holy dicks in his case, Andy, although I suppose any dick is holy when it's being eaten by the Pope.

You know what?

This was not the discussion that I was trying to get in.

The point is, I hope he's not checking what people are writing back to him.

Other hashtags at Pontefex, as used so far include hashtag drink a cup of blood, hashtag oops, no, we are officially really quite sorry.

And I mean that could have been his first tweet.

Surely.

Yes.

Just card on the table.

Sorry.

We are very sorry.

Hashtag fires of eternal damnation and hashtag watch out.

They're really hot.

The Pope, that's the earthly representative of Santa Claus, has Sinta Klaus!

Sinta Klaus!

Sinta Klaus!

Has been tweeting in eight languages and has a number of other Twitter handles aside from the official at Pontifex, including at Benny Big Hat16, at Repent or Burn2012, at the Mighty Mitre, and at SinnersToWinners.

Spelt with

SinAsToWinAs.

So

this is our future, John.

After his first tweet on Wednesday, he very quickly posted two follow-up messages and then live tweeted an episode of the X Factor.

The two follow-up messages were concerning the church's recently launched Year of Faith initiative intending to re-energize Catholicism.

Although, as you alluded to there, Andy, I don't think anything would re-energize Catholicism better than ending every tweet he's sending with, hashtag sorry about all that child abuse, hashtag are bad, hashtag pre-should definitely not do that, hashtag seriously.

Instead, his follow-up tweets were, how can we celebrate the year of faith better in our daily lives?

Before answering his own question with, by speaking with Jesus in prayer, listening to what he tells you in the gospel, and looking for him in those in need.

Ah, his Twitter count's already bullshit, and he's just using it to promote stuff.

I don't want to hear what projects the Pope has coming up, Andy.

I want to hear what he's eating.

I want to hear tweets like, about to deliver sermon on balcony of St.

Peter's Basilica.

That breakfast burrito might have been a mistake.

Hashtag seemed a bit iffy.

Hashtag always trust your instincts.

Hashtag hope my gown doesn't billow up too much.

Or

if you asked, well, we're going to hell, Andy.

But

that's not a new thing.

So it's not,

you know, you're not going any further.

My feet are already touched.

You can't be more in hell than exactly, can you?

Once you're in, you're in, and you may as well just make the best of a bad situation.

Isn't it?

Yeah.

Or, you know, if he has to promote something, Andy, make it more personal.

Say, you should really get Christ into your life.

Look at where it got me.

Exclamation mark.

Hashtag having one of those Pope days.

Hashtag humble brag.

The Pope's English account already has more than a million followers and is growing fast.

And so far, the Pope's accounts, as you mentioned, at Pontifex, which means pontiff or builder of bridges, are only following each other.

Oh, really, Pope.

So not following at God or at Jesus or at the very least at Hello Buglers then.

That seems a little hypocritical.

And I've got a couple of words of warning for the Pope, Andy.

Twitter...

has gotten people into trouble in the past.

People get caught saying things that they shouldn't be saying or sending photos that they shouldn't be sending.

And I just hope Twitter doesn't bring him down by catching him tweeting pictures of his junk around.

His junk, Andy.

You know, the junk he's got lying around the Vatican.

Yeah.

That kind of thing.

There's a lot of junk there.

I mean, the provenance of that junk.

Yeah.

And the trunks that are in, you know.

I mean, you can ask questions about that.

Well, actually, questions can be submitted to the Pope using the hashtag

Ask Pontifex.

And that is a big mistake, Popeye.

Big mistake.

He better get ready for a lot of questions like, when I die, will my balls go to heaven too?

From at Silvio Berlascote.

Well, here are some actual questions.

I was looking at the hashtag.

So these are some actual questions I looked at this morning.

Hashtag Ask Pontifex.

Holy Father, do you have any suggestions for people hoping to deepen their prayer life?

Thank you.

So, you know, that was not too bad.

Maybe these questions are going to work out.

Here's another one.

At Pontifex.

Hello, Hello, Father.

When will you come to Indonesia?

Hashtag Ask Pontifex.

And then a smiley face there as well.

So that's also very nice.

Nice welcome there.

Here's another one.

Hi at Pontifex.

Regarding turning water into wine.

Uh-oh, here it comes.

I can turn wine into piss.

Is it a miracle?

Hashtag ask Pontifex.

And here it comes, Andy.

A final one.

Hey, when are you going to address the rampant child rape in your church?

Just curious.

Hashtag ask Pontifex.

See, and that is why this was probably a bad idea because preaching to the choir is one thing, but preaching to the internet is a whole nother caboodle of trouble.

The Poke Pooh's Christmas present from his work colleagues in St.

Peter's this year is rumoured to be a personalized car license plate

one to go on his Pokemobile.

He's increasingly committed to interacting with his followers using new media.

And later in the week, he's going to be holding a chatroom INA session.

That's Inquisition and Answer.

So do join in for that.

Christmas gifts feature now.

And if you're struggling to find a perfect gift for that special someone, then we may be able to help you.

Maybe you'd like to take your inspiration from News International and give someone a £10.9 million payoff.

Was that for us?

Was that for us?

No, it was.

That's the point, Andy.

It was.

That's what they gave to Rebecca Brooks in compensation for loss of office after she lost her job following her involvement with a phone hacking scandal.

And that's a pretty great gift, Andy, because

they could have got her £10.9 million in gift certificates, but then she'd have had to spend them at those particular stores.

Now she can just spend the money anywhere.

Or on lawyers, which is

the most likely

receptacle.

Well, the point is she can choose.

Interestingly, Andy, when we were fired from the Times, I don't recall getting a £10.9 million million pound payoff.

Do you?

Maybe that check's in the post.

Or do you have my £10.9 million check at home, Andy?

Can I pick pick it up when i'm in london next week

well we need to talk about it john because you know i've picked up a lot of costs over the years

that's always the headline figure isn't it you know the real amount is often so much less perhaps our mistake though andy was that we weren't fired for being involved in phone hacking we were fired for being annoying and you know

it turns out that just annoying and pointless it just doesn't get it just doesn't get you the kind of same kind of severance pay as an issue if you'd spent your time, Andy, hacking phones instead of hacking out puns, we'd be millionaires by now.

I just wish I'd had the foresight to ask Santa for that when I was a little boy, Andy, sitting on his lap in Birmingham shopping centre saying, well, Santa, I'd like a football and a bike and a £10.9 million payoff for helping British journalism sink to a new lull, please.

Well, you know, if you ask him for it, he'll probably get it.

Yeah, he's good like that.

Now, if you're looking for a gift for someone that's a bit out of the ordinary, then how about this?

The first ever African city edition of the famous board game Monopoly has been launched, and the city in question is Lagos, Nigeria.

Two countries in Africa already have Monopoly editions, Morocco and South Africa, but there is no single city that has its own customised edition until now.

And if it seems a slightly odd choice, Lagos, it's worth knowing that it's actually one of the fastest-growing cities in the world.

And there was a lot of speculation over what areas would make it to the various squares on the boards the coveted Mayfair slot for the most expensive property went to Banana Island and the least coveted the cheapest slot on the board the old Kent Road spot if you will went to Mokoko which is apparently a slum on stilts over the city's lagoon and just slightly better than the old Kent Road in London wow I mean that's exactly it does kind of put the divide between the developed and the developing world into perspective because the old Kent Road sure it's not the nicest area in London Andy, but it is frankly, to put this in the most pleasant possible way, a f of a lot nicer than a slum on stilts over a lagoon.

Banana Island is a man-made island for the super wealthy, in which they can cut themselves off from the people whose resources and money they have effectively stolen.

Sorry, in which they can give themselves a bit of peace and quiet away from the hectic castles, dragging their country forward to become a 21st century economic powerhouse.

And it was one of the headlines I saw was, Africa gets its first version of monopoly.

Well, try telling that to the 19th century colonialists who exploited Africa until there were almost no ploits left to X.

The scramble for Africa might sound like a charity fundraising crawl through a giant sandpit to raise awareness of the plight of the Saharan desert donkey, but it was in fact a 19th century charity fund-stripping event over several decades to raise awareness of the need for European countries to establish economic control over the entire world that would sustain them for the next hundred years and provide them with a steady supply of tusks with which to ward off burglars.

Other aspects of the game have been especially tailored for Lagos, like the go-to-jail cards, which read go to jail, go directly to Kirikiri jail, referring to the city's maximum security prison.

One of the chance cards reads for attempting to bribe a law enforcement agent to pay a fine.

Another says you've been caught driving against traffic.

Report for psychiatric evaluation.

I'm guessing that the other Nigerian chance cards read you've been kidnapped and a ransom has been demanded for your return.

Lose a turn and a finger.

And a Nigerian prince has inherited millions of dollars.

Send him $500 in cash immediately and you can share part of that fortune.

But

that's an interesting one about the attempting to bribe a police officer.

Yeah.

Because surely the reaction to that is just...

bribe him with a bit more because that's Nigeria has quite spectacular levels of corruption.

A former senior

world banker, Obi Ezequesili, stated that $400 billion of Nigeria's oil revenue has been stolen or misspent since 1960.

Now that's

that's I mean that's quite a lot, particularly when you consider that around 80 million people, over half the population, live on less than $2 a day.

So $2 billion a year of oil is just stolen, John.

So

there's always loopholes in the rules in Lagos Monopoly.

For example, if you buy an oil well, then you can just help yourself to all the money in the bank and declare yourself the winner of the game.

Or if you're still stumped for gifts, you may want to take some inspiration from Silvio Berlusconi, who has decided to surprise Italy with the gift of himself.

In fact, he's not just giving himself to Italy, Andy, he's giving himself to the whole planet.

He's tying a bow around his penis and saying, happy Christmas, world.

Lots of love, Silvio.

What's happened was that the Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti has announced that he will step down from office after losing the support of Berlusconi's party triggering an Italian election early next year in which Berlusconi in a shock move has announced that he will run so you know what this means Andy the horn dog is about to return to his own vomit

this is all the more impressive seeing as how you might remember buglers just six weeks ago berlusconi was sentenced to four years in jail for fraud.

It's a Christmas miracle, Andy.

Well, as you say, John, I mean, this is, you know, in what's been a tough year for the world.

This is a shaft of light.

The world in 2012 has had a lot of problems.

The Syrian crisis has rumbled on like the indigestible curry of conflict and compromise that it is.

The Arab Spring has proved to be not quite as...

boingy a spring as might have been ideal.

The European economy has continued to fire bullets into its own balls while saying, why is this still hurting?

I've coated these bullets in an anaesthetic.

The American election showed quite how far the definition of democracy can be stretched and twisted without it snapping into pieces.

And British morality has been on an all-expensive paid scuba diving trip to the bottom of the ethical Marianas trench.

So what we need is a little bit of light.

Wow, that's a hell of a review of the year, Andy.

Plus, there was the Olympics, you forgot that.

Well, when sport did its best to provide that light during the Olympics and the Paralympics, but even that was not enough.

It needed more.

The magic royal baby will solve all the world's problems, but it's not due out until the middle of next year.

So bravely

stepping into the breach to give us hope where all around us gloom.

A one-man war against sanity and tedium.

Yes.

Silvio Berlusconi riding to the rescue like a morally inverted Robin Hood on a horse made of shit.

At the first Christmas, John, God gave his only son to the world,

born under a Norwegian spruce and wrapped in tinsel with some flashing lights round his head.

So that we might be forgiven for our sins or something or other, I forget.

Testify.

Oh boy, people found the loopholes in that being forgiven for sins, small print.

But then, almost 2,000 years later, he gave the world his only Silvio Berlusconi, that it might find laughter where otherwise there were only tears.

Italy has dabbled with technocracy.

And it has responded to that by saying, Mama, mia, no, no, no.

It doesn't want Berlusconi back for what he does, John.

Obviously not.

They're not that crazy as a nation.

It wants Berlusconi back for what he is and what he represents.

The utopian democratic ideal that anyone can rise to the top, provided that they are a lunatic with a wide range of social psychoses, an aversion to not putting their pine asses in things, industrial strength, makeup and hair dye, and ruthless control of the media.

He's an inspiration to us all, John.

Oh,

the truth is, I think we all saw this coming from a mile off because the choice between Mario Monte and Berlusconi was always going to be a difficult one for the Italians.

It's like choosing between broccoli and cocaine.

You know that one's good for you, the problem is you're addicted to cocaine.

The two men couldn't be more different.

On the one hand, Mario Monte is an economist and an academic, a dour man, tasked with imposing strict austerity measures and balancing Italy's books.

On the other hand, Berlusconi is a one-man walking sialis commercial.

He walks around all day in in the permanent haze of a chemically induced boner.

So

it looks like Italy is about to once more seriously consider taking back a man who not only got them into this financial mess in the first place, but who has also been charged with, among other allegations, bribery, drug trafficking, prostitution, mafia collusion, false accounting, and embezzlement.

Let me tell you, Andy, the only crime that Berlusconi is guilty of is being too Italian.

That, That, as well as perjury, illegal party financing and fraud.

Look, Attale, Italy, look, taking him back once is an understandable mistake.

Taking him back twice is because we don't know Silvio like you know Silvio.

He's a good boy.

But re-electing him four times, that's going to start to seem like you have a serious self-esteem problem.

I'm telling you, Andy, it turns out the only way that Italians can make clean breaks with their leaders is if they end up hanging them on meat hooks outside petrol stations.

And this

might all seem absolutely crazy, but here is the thing.

You've got to look at this from Italy's point of view.

Their economy is in the toilet.

Unemployment is over 11%.

It's not fun over there and that's a country built on fun.

The difference between Mario Monte and Berlusconi is this.

Let's say you're at a very boring party.

No one is really having a good time.

And then your crazy friend turns up with a keg of homemade tequila and a trunk full of Mexican fireworks.

Sure, you know that the house is going to get wrecked, but you also know that the party's about to get a f ⁇ of a lot more interesting.

So I guess what I'm saying is, good luck to you, Italy, you crazy bastards.

And I think, John, Mario Monte deserves a lot of credit here for resigning, because he's clearly looked at himself in the mirror, and then he's looked over his shoulder at his nation, Italy.

And to his eternal credit, he said to himself, no, I, Mario Monte, cannot give the Italian public what they want.

I might be able to give them what they need, but I cannot give them what they want.

And he clearly wants Berlusconi back just as much as everyone else.

Yeah, yeah, he's a big one.

Is he not Italian, Andy?

That's right.

If you cut him open, is he not delicious?

The point is, buglers, you don't need to get gifts for anyone because Berlusconi might be coming back.

And now, a quick rundown of other Christmas gifts exclusively available to bugle listeners,

including an exorcise bike.

Are you worried that one of your loved ones has been possessed by evil spirits?

Then try the new Medievax Exorciser G6.

Place the possessed victim on the exorcise bike, and as they pedal, an automatic micro-priest will rise from the handlebars to encant prayers and invocations to a programmable range of saints.

Whilst the electronic readout screen displays animations of religious icons screaming, OUT, demon, out!

Comes complete with a demon electromagnet to stop the exorcise demon escaping into a house or local neighborhood.

Also available in other religions with occult and secular models due for release next summer.

Endorsed by the International Association of Exorcists, which is a

body that does actually exist, John.

The IAE.

Also available, the Tantrumpoline.

The world is an increasingly highly strung planet in this 21st century 24-7 communication culture.

We all get wound up by things like work, friends, family, life, gadgets, stuff, news,

things going beep, people trying to sell a shit, other things and the constant threat of disappointment and death.

So sometimes we just want to let it all out and lose our fruit big time.

But how to do it without insulting loved ones, getting the sack, being arrested and charged with a public disorder offence or breaking a stained glass window?

Well, use the tantrumpoline to bounce up and down, which has been scientifically proven to release pent up rage 45% quicker than standing still.

The tantrumpoline could both give you the fury forum you need and save you valuable time.

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From the makers of 20 Tailed and 10's top-selling personal fury gym, the ApoplectyPod, the Tantrompoline is 650% bouncier and four times as effective as its closest market competitor, the Exasperax Myth Mattress.

Can be used in conjunction with the

Steve Redgrave rowing machine for a complete decolourisation program.

Also, for the home, hanky pankies, handkerchiefs modelled on the Pankhurst family,

luxury bed linen, sleep in sheep shaped like the pelt of the late former communist pin-up lenin, and on pillowcases bristled with replicas of the beard famously worn by the pioneering Soviet.

And the telespope.

Look through

the Vatican-endorsed telespope to see the world how the pontiff sees it.

Make some things appear much bigger than they are whilst being completely blind to other things.

And also, the greatest gift anyone can give each other or themselves,

a Bugle Volunto subscription,

guaranteeing you free downloads for the length of your subscription or life, whichever ends soonest.

of the already free of charge satiricals that could potentially have been listened to by the world's hundred most influential people.

Brighten your friends and family's Christmases by telling them that you have paid for them to listen to something they could already have listened to at no charge anyway if they'd ever heard of it and thought they might try listening to it.

See the pretend joy in their faces as they tell you how much they'd always wanted to indirectly help secure the future and independence of a programme that had previously entirely escaped their fear of consciousness and tell you that as a gift it beats the crap out of the bottle of Bulgarian Merlot you gave them last year.

An annual subscription to the Bugle will cost you anything between £1 and £10 billion depending on how much you decide to give.

We'd suggest around the halfway mark between those two figures or maybe 20 quid.

It's up to you but we guarantee there will be no present that goes down better this Christmas with with me and John.

And if you do subscribe, you will get a free copy of Silvio Berlusconi's new fitness DVD, Jogsterbaiting, the ultimate cardio workout.

Available at thebuglepodcast.com.

Do not use in conjunction with alcohol.

Not advised for children aged between six months and three years.

Children aged three to twelve should listen to the bugle in five-minute dosages.

Do not mix with real news.

India news now.

And well, John, I had a fantastic time in India, but and it is an absolutely captivating nation.

And it is a nation that is embracing modernity, even as it struggles to come to terms with the drag of the past.

This week, it showed what a modern nation it is.

More than 100,000 Indians sung the national anthem together in an attempt to break a world record which was previously held by any guesses which nation they might try to childishly trump in a pointless world record attempt.

Pakistan, that's right, John.

And this is what the world needs.

Not childish tit-for-tat arms races and nuclear grandstanding, but childish tit-for-tat attempt to break pointless world records.

It's like the Cold War space race all over again, John.

That was all about world records.

The Soviet Union set the world record for the longest walkies by a doggie.

America set a world record for the furthest man from Albuquerque.

Neil Armstrong.

I mean,

he set a strong target, but a few people have matched it, but no one's actually beaten it.

And also, then the Eastern Bloc hit back with the most suspiciously masculine female athletes.

So whilst America then took the lead with most jetpacks used at an Olympic opening ceremony.

How the f does that record still stand, London?

That is a scar on our nation.

125,000 people sang the Indian national anthem at the cricket stadium in Kanpur, smashing the previous records held by their neighbours and friendly nuclear rivals, Pakistan.

But John, I can't help feeling this is an opportunity missed.

When you've got 125,000 people in the stadium, you don't want to set one world record.

You want to set loads of world records.

Most people to sing Kylie Minogue's I Should Be So Lucky, largest communal chicken impression, most people describing bread, biggest game of musical statues, that would take a minimum of six weeks to play based on 30 seconds per statue, not including arguments over who was the last to stand still, loudest collective shouting of the word,

most people to simultaneously say Florence Nightingale, oh yeah, I so would.

And best of all, they should have set the record for most people to sing the Pakistan national anthem at once.

Just to rile them.

Yes.

Just to rile them.

This is the future for international diplomacy john just try to set infantile world records

food news quintuple michelin starred celebrity chef arnelian braup has unveiled a new menu at his much-garlanded london brassetorant the superating flesh wound the menu is themed around the career of the legendary boxer mohamed ali it begins with a densely compacted blackcurrant mousse at the Cassis Clay, served with a sparring partner of controversialized Vietnamese refusals.

Then follows the Mohamed Dali course.

Fishmore and ham on Iberico, served with an Indian lentil curry and a tab of ecstasy.

More ham, a dal-ee.

Then after this comes the crumble in the jungle, a traditional crumble to be eaten in the jungle style, that's simultaneously jumping up and down and gargling.

Served with a rabbit punch and a roper-toe, that's entwined vermicelli noodle strings seasoned with marijuana.

And to conclude, the Griller in vanilla, two prime cups of meat tenderised against each other in 14 brutal three-minute poundings, then grilled in a vanilla bean crust, served with a punch in the face to flavour the dish with the China's own blood, then

accompanied by coffee and French truffles flavoured with strawberry and shaped like eyeballs.

Joe Frazieu.

Thank you very much, by which I mean happy Hanukkah.

Bugle logo competition, and I think we said we'd announce the winner this week, but well guess what Buglers?

We've over-recorded again and we're about to be chunked out of the studio.

That seems so unlikely.

How would we have done that?

So we're going to save that for a special awards announcement, micro-bugle, next week.

John's coming back for a few days off, back in his former country, if he gets through immigration.

We'll see about that.

I've tipped them off already at Heathrow.

So we will confer and make a final decision on the new Bugle logo.

There's been some tremendous entries, and we'll put the best of them up on the website

once we've announced the decision.

And so next year is going to finally be just over a year after Bugle independence.

Like the commercial ruthless machine that we are.

We will launch Bugle merchandise.

And thanks again to all those who

sent emails in.

We've also run out of time for your email, so we might chuck a few of them in the micro bugle next week.

Don't forget to look at the Bugle SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

And don't forget to give your loved ones the Bugle Volunto subscription for Christmas.

We can build a better world, by which I mean we can sustain this podcast for another year,

which does help build a better world, unquestionably.

Well, it doesn't hurt it, except it might.

It doesn't have any effect on it at all, let's be honest.

It's not adversely impacting significantly on the world.

I think we can safely say that.

And you can take that to the bank.

Take it to the hoop, John.

Dunk it.

Sport now, and well, as John mentioned earlier on, and I said, when you think of India, you think of many things.

You think of cricket, first of all, of course.

You think of Curries, Rick Shaws, spiritualism, highly impressive gods with an unnecessary number of limbs, Bollywood, corruption on a level that makes RMPs with their fingers in the expenses pie look like they've picked up a loose 10 pence piece and not report it to the cops.

You think of the British heroically providing railways, a unifying language and logistical expertise to a nation forming from thousands of different

sub-nations on a vast scale.

And then you also think of the British heroically exporting hundreds of thousands of tons of Indian crops during a famine in India, causing millions of deaths, swings and roundabouts.

But what you do not think of, John, is football matches with crowds of 100,000 people going noisily berserk.

And that is what I went to last Sunday, the Kolkata Derby, East Bengal against Mohanbagan, the old rivals like Real Madrid and Barcelona, but more so.

And it was incredible.

It was a raucous atmosphere, untainted by some soulless Muppet on a public address system telling people how excited they were getting.

There was noise, there was colour, there was a slightly alarming number of naked flames, and there was considerable surprise that four white British people had turned up to watch.

And it was amazing.

We were sitting in the East Bengal end with their extremely exuberant fans.

We were offered food, drink, cigarettes.

And when a sweet seller took advantage of my obvious westernness to charge me 10 rupees for a little packet of sweets instead of the two rupees that it should have cost, The people sitting around me stopped him and made him give me some change.

Oh, so fantastic.

So then the football began amidst this amazing enthusiasm, flag waving, and an extremely casual attitude towards throwing fireworks over people's heads.

And the quality of football was neither here nor there.

Well, actually, it was both here and there.

I here and you, John, over there, could have fitted in quite seamlessly.

But it was magnificent fun watching this spectacle of 100,000 people going bonkers for a a pretty low-grade football game.

Until, just before half-time, East Bengal went 1-0 up.

A Moenbagan player was sent off shortly afterwards for verbalating the referee.

And the Mohan Bagan fans lost their collective bananas and started throwing bits of masonry onto the pitch.

A bit of brick hit one of their own players, who was carted off unconscious to hospital with a broken jaw.

The police waded into the terraces and people just fled to the stadium.

There was general pandemonium at the far ends of the ground whilst the East Bengal fans just carried on blithely setting off fireworks in their own faces whilst the Moan Bagan fans fled for their lives.

Play restarted 20 minutes of mayhem later for the 10 seconds left till half-time, after which the Moan Bagan team refused to emerge for the second half.

There then followed about 45 minutes of the East Bengal team sitting on the pitch waiting for their opponents to turn up before people started to start running out of fireworks to let off in a dangerous manner and drifting off home.

The game was called off.

There were 40 people injured, a crisis in the Indian Football League, and it was a truly eye-opening experience.

What have you done, Adam?

All that is good and bad about raw, unadulterated pre-commercial sport.

But most importantly, Wanil to the East Bengal.

Wah Nil to the East Bengal.

We are top of the league.

Said, we are top of the league.

It's all about the result, John.

It's all about the result.

Paul's panel verdict, home win.

So that's it.

We'll be back next week with the micro bugle with your emails and the news of the new bugle logo recorded live in London with John and I in the same room for one of those very rare bugles.

And then there'll be a best of the year package in between Christmas and New Year.

And we'll be back, hopefully, the first Friday, stroke Monday of 2013.

So that's it, buglers.

Have a phenomenal Hanukkah if there's any of it left.

Which

mail makes it.

Yes, there is, Andy.

There is.

Oh, my God.

I mean, what is time?

Yes, it does.

What is time?

It does matter.

What is time?

What do we need to celebrate these things?

You get eight days.

That's the whole point.

Yahweh's not going to be any more pleased or satisfied.

It's not how you pronounce his name.

It's near reggae singer.

Why, buglers?

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.