Bugle 210 – Punch up for President!

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 210 of The Bugle audio newspaper for an unremittingly visual world now into its second half decade with me and is ultimately former five-time British clarinetist interrogation champion.

You would not believe what I made Acabilt confess to.

I'm live in London, reigning largest city in England champion, clinging on to that title very impressively.

And in New York, nowhere to be seen in that particular contest, even Old York is lagging way behind these days.

It's the man who puts news in the oven, waits 40 minutes, and then serves up a piping hot satiric cake.

It's the 21st century Johnny Weissmuller, only less good at swimming or being Tarzan.

It's John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Andy, the president, the actual president, the main president, not the president of the Arizona Cardinals, the president of the United States of America was the guest last night on the daily show.

And the Secret Service consequently have been in and around our office all week.

And the good thing...

about having Secret Service agents everywhere is that you realize that you've probably never been safer in your whole life.

The downside is that you also realize that you've probably never been in more danger if you suddenly decide to run as fast as you can down the corridor, desperately reaching for something under your shirt while screaming the morning prayer.

But as long as you resist doing that, which is actually very difficult as soon as you think of it, then you're, in fact, in a very reassuring safety bubble.

So I've had a safe weekend.

I felt like a baby in a womb.

That's fair.

In a big, metallic, pointy metal object, womb.

The kind of womb that can kill anything that moves around it.

The American womb.

And how was the President John Zipper?

It was fine.

Campaign mode, Andy, which you know, it's not the most human mode that there is.

Did you

get to play him at Scissors, Paper, Stone, or not?

Always.

Yeah, always.

Yeah.

But he calls it Scissors, Paper, Drone, Andy, and he tends to win it a lot.

Cabo!

That's your second pun.

Your second pun within about three months.

Yeah, it's going to break you down, mate.

I'm going to break break you down.

Slippery slope.

So, this is Bugle 210.

Uh, 210.

Ironically, today, uh, as we record Bugle 210, it's exactly 60 years since the day in 1952 when the famous communism skeptic, Senator Joe McCarthy, saw his dad's sister Nora talking to a man wearing an overcoat like Lennon might have worn and accused her of being a Marxist, causing her to flee the country.

And he then wrote on his to-do list

to hunt Red Aunt N.

To To hunt red N.

To hunt Red Aunt N.

There you go.

That's just a

historical coincidence.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, part one of a 52-part Build Your Own Audio Funeral Series.

Part one, The Priest.

Are you bride or groom?

I'm terribly sorry, it gets so confusing doing this job.

Still, we'll be as dead as this guy in the box soon, so don't worry about it.

Top story this week, seconds out, presidential debate, round two!

On Tuesday night, Andy, it was the second of three presidential debates.

This took on an extra importance after it seemed like President Obama had fallen asleep moments before the first one and accidentally sleepwalked onto the stage, only to wake up a couple of hours later saying, I just had the strangest dream.

I dreamt that Mitt Romney handed me my own ass in a debate.

I must have eaten way too much cheese before taking that nap.

Amazing what f ⁇ ed up things your mind can conjure up.

Anyway, what time does the debate start?

This second debate or formal argument was here in New York and it was town hall style, meaning that the questions were posed from the audience and a moderator was on hand to make sure that everything went smoothly.

But rather than smoothly, it went aggressively instead.

And that is hardly a surprise because town hall style essentially means just removing the podiums and leaving the candidates free to to wander around the stage.

But as so often happens with these type of debates, the simple act of removing the podiums seems to make the candidates want to kill each other.

Podiums seem to be the great pacifier.

And so it'd be interesting to see if it worked in reverse.

If two sumo wrestlers were about to fight, Andy, and you pop two podiums in front of each of them, I think they'd instinctively just spend the entire bout arguing with each other instead.

And we should take it one step further.

We should be airdropping podiums, Andy, into trouble spots around the world.

Let's airdrop them onto the Syrian army and force them to stop their tanks, get out and just shout at rebel towns instead.

It's got to be worth trying.

Would the Sumares not just throw salt on the podiums and just get on with it?

That's their kind of stick, isn't it?

Yeah, I suppose so.

It was, as you say, a much more aggressive debate.

So aggressive, in fact, that when the cameras had stopped rolling, apparently the two candidates agreed to meet each other in a disused car park at 3 a.m.

and then wrestled until dawn.

Obama described the confrontation as, quotes, a journey into the darkest corners of the human soul, whilst Romney described it as strangely erotic, like being in a D.H.

Lawrence film.

One journalist wrote that the two candidates stalked the stage, frequently interrupting and intruding on each other's personal space.

And the debate certainly did get hostile at times, but is this really a surprise?

Can anyone honestly justify being shocked that these two men look like they genuinely hate each other?

For months, they've spent most of their days publicly criticising each other and authorizing others to do the same on their behalf.

They've run poisonous attack ads and taken cheap shots.

I'm frankly amazed that they didn't use their opening statement to tell each other to f off and go eat a bag of dicks.

Romney said that Obama and his campaign team had been trying to characterize him, quotes, as someone who's very different than who I am.

And you can see why Romney is upset about that, because that is exactly what he himself is trying to do.

We've seen exactly the man he is on the hidden camera footage.

And he knows that the real Mitt Romney is electoral kryptonite.

He frankly should be thanking Obama if they're showing him as someone different to who he actually is.

And the media might have feigned shock with all this aggression, but the truth is that is complete bullshit.

The nastier it is, the more they love it.

Especially because for the media, the debates are never about the debates themselves.

They're about the after party.

Hours and hours of analysing the shit out of the debate until the sun comes up with a ludicrously long guest list that includes pundits, pollsters, body language experts, scientists with facial recognition software, psychics contacting the afterlife to find out which candidate Teddy Roosevelt thought won.

It's all a

all-night fiesta of nonsense.

And much of the analysis afterwards focused on the aggression and the hostility and whether it was too much, as analysts desperately tried to come off like delicate, petticoated Victorian ladies about to swoon over in shock at the sight of all the male barbarism.

And that is disingenuous in the extreme, because they've been hyping this, Andy, like a heavyweight title fight.

So you can't complain when you basically get what you've been asking for.

It seems that Romney, who of course recently pretty much wrote off half the American population, seemed to have a go for another 50% chunk of America by taking a dig at women, it seemed.

Some extraordinary things that he said, in particular the binders full of women comment.

Yes.

Which, I I mean, it's always an electoral risk, John, I think, to pass off one of the world's leading genders as slightly annoying paperwork or maybe as a catalogue to be perused on the toilet while you're having your Sunday shit.

It's a slightly dehumanising collective noun, that

it could have been worse.

I mean, he could have said

that they brought us whole trailers full of women whom I now keep chained up in my special Romney dungeon.

That would make him more interesting than I think he has the capacity to be.

But besides, Annie, I just want some consistency.

If these debates are going to be promoted more and more like boxing fights, then the least they can do is have all the embellishments of a prize fight that make watching two men attempt to pulverise each other's faces palatable.

So before the final debate in Florida on Monday, they should have boxing announcers introduce each candidate.

In the red corner, the challenger, 65 years old, born in Detroit, Michigan, with a personal wealth of $250 million.

His temples were already greying when he was nine years old.

The only entitlement he's in favor of is his feeling that he's entitled to be president.

Mitt the Storm and Mormon Romney!

And in the blue corner, the presidential title holder.

He's 51 years old, born in Hawaii or Kenya, depending on who you listen to.

He's spent four years successfully failing to close Guantanamo.

Open wide America.

He's about to shove healthcare down your throat.

Even if for some bizarre reason you don't want it, it's Barack a boom boom bomber

and they should both burst through pictures of themselves as entrance music blasts uncomfortably loud.

But honestly Andy I don't even think you should stop there.

I think in between each round of questions, each candidate's highest donors should be forced to walk across the stage in a bikini holding up cards showing what round it is.

If Sheldon Adelson really wants to donate so much money to campaigns that he's basically subverting the entire democratic process, he should be forced to squeeze into a stars and stripes bikini and high heels and have to tot across the stage as the crowd sarcastically wolf whistles at him.

That's what they used to do.

That's what they used to do until Lincoln

stopped to it, didn't they?

Well, yeah, exactly.

And finally, a referee should get between them right at the start and say, right, gentlemen, we want a nice dirty fight.

Remember, no hitting above the belt.

When I say break, I want you to ignore me and talk over the top of me.

Any questions?

Good.

Remember, protect yourselves and your donors at all times.

Okay, on my signal, I want you to touch gloves, come out of the bell, and turn the democratic dream of the founding fathers into a waking nightmare.

Seconds out, leave your dignity in your corners and let's fing do this.

Well, I guess, John, that would just reunites the presidency and boxing back to the early 60s days when they were both completely run by the mafia.

The rules that both sides agreed to before these debates were leaked to the the press early this week and they were really depressingly restrictive, seeming to nip in the bud any chance to

debate and favouring regurgitation of talking points instead.

These were just some of the rules which, as I say, were agreed upon by both campaigns.

The candidates may not ask each other direct questions during any of the four debates.

The candidates shall not address each other with proposed pledges.

For the town hall-style debate, the moderator will not ask follow-up questions or comment on on either the questions asked by the audience or the answers of the candidates during the debate.

The audience member shall not ask follow-up questions or otherwise participate in the extended discussion.

And the audience member's microphone shall be turned off after he or she completes asking the questions.

And also, the Commission shall take appropriate steps to cut off the microphones of any audience member who attempts to pose any question or statement different from that previously posed to the moderator for review.

That is pretty demoralising.

Especially, Andy, when you look at the rules that they could have had, but one or both sides turned down.

Rules such as every time a candidate says the American people, the other candidate has to take a drink.

There will be a two-minute hot dog eating round.

The candidate who is the most hot dogs in that time will receive an extra 10,000 votes on election day in the state of his opponent's choosing.

Candidates may not ask each other direct questions unless those questions are sung in a high-pitched voice, in which case they are allowable.

If a candidate says Ronald Reagan ten times during a single debate, they get a free sandwich.

The moderator may call for a dance-off in any exchange that he or she deems to be a tie.

And halfway through the debate, a live chicken will be released onto the stage.

The candidate who successfully catches the chicken will be allowed three minutes to criticise his opponent's appearance.

Well, they've tried that in Portugal, John, and it hasn't done them any good at all.

But

the point is, you'll agree to audience members having their mics cut off if they stray from pre-vetted questions.

And you'll agree not to be able to ask a question to your opponent, but you won't agree to live chickens being released onto the stage, and you won't agree to a hot dog eating round just for the record abraham lincoln agreed to both of those and he won both of them too that's why he was great

so who did teddy roosevelt favour jonaman i imagine he'd just go for whichever candidate looks most likely to slaughter an unbelievable amount of wildlife yeah i think i think he was very disappointed in both of them but probably he favoured romney Another Romney comment on women.

He said, we're going to have to have employers in the new economy, in the economy I'm going to bring to play, that are going to be so anxious to get good workers, they're going to hire women.

Basically, saying, times are hard.

We're going to have to bite this bullet until it goes bang in our faces and do things we in America never thought we would have to do.

Times change.

We must change with them.

This might sound extreme.

The summit probably sounds chilling, but in these desperate times, we must regrettably force ourselves to forget what Eve did and allow women in the workplace.

For now.

For now.

This shows I'm not afraid to take tough measures.

Vote for emergency.

Only in an emergency.

So how's the polling seems pretty close at the moment?

Yes, on what's going to be the decisive factor in the last couple of weeks of campaigning?

Well, the decisive factor will be a little thing called Ohio and it will be just that.

There's only one state that really counts.

There's two states that count a little bit as well.

Everyone else is basically wasting their time and money.

Isn't democracy fun?

Isn't it fine?

And I guess it could also, you know, a little bit could hinge on the last debate, and who can pull the least mangy rabbit out of their electoral hat to ritually slaughter in front of the undecided voter?

It's so, this one in particular, for some reason, it's not that either of the candidates are particularly disgusting, but the whole thing, this whole campaign is so depressing.

This is what we get, Andy.

Expensive bullshit.

That's what we've been spreading around the world.

We've been traveling the world killing people just to give them the right to vote

scottish freedom

news now and it seems that before the end of 2014 scotland will be allowed to stage a referendum on full independence from the united kingdom i mean wow andy i made one throwaway comment at the start of last week's bugle about Scotland not really being a country and now now they go and do this.

That is some classic Scottish shirtiness right there.

One off-the-cuff, insensitive quip, and all of a sudden it's, you can see that!

You did what?

You're ducking a boot.

You shut your mouth.

You shut your mouth.

And, you know, now I've done that.

Now I've done that impression, Andy.

What are they going to do next?

Insist that they're physically cut off at the border so they can sail 20 feet away from us.

You're over-correcting, you haggis, chomping habits.

Fair point, John.

Has that helped the debates leading up to this referendum?

I think that has helped the debates.

Certainly a very fair point, particularly from someone who's not going to have to do any gigs in Scotland for the foreseeable future.

Well, Scottish independence has, of course, for a long time been

the elephant in the room whenever the United Kingdom sits down to have a family dinner with itself, albeit there is a small porcelain replica elephant that most of the guests don't notice or really feel the need to talk about whilst one guy in the corner jumps up and down shouting, look at that elephant!

What do you think of that?

Pretty f ⁇ ing trunky, eh?

Let's all vote on our favourite trunked animal.

Me first.

Elephant!

Elephant!

This really is genuinely a historic agreement between David Cameron and Alex Salmond.

paving the way for a vote sometime in the autumn of 2014 with a single yes-no question on Scotland leaving the UK or staying.

And they're basically serving us with divorce papers, Andy.

They just haven't signed them themselves yet.

And if this is the end, let's hope this is not a messy breakup and that we have to get lawyers involved.

You know, who gets custody of Hadrian's Wall?

Do we get Carlisle during the week and they get to have it on weekends?

Who gets all the Proclaimer CDs?

Do they take the Duke of Edinburgh now, but do we get to see him on holidays?

We should have got a prenup before getting into all of this, Andy, or at least put little yellow stickers on everything that we thought we owned at the time.

Yep, I think putting yellow stickers on stuff, that's slightly gone out of fashion over the last 75 years, John.

But of course,

the UK goes back a long time, John.

Bugle has, of course, been half-based in the UK, or it was known in the Olympics in Team GB, or as it's known whenever there's cricket on England.

But basically, we're in the UK, and

this nation could, in essence, John, return to the swamp of history whence it emerged one, two, three, or 400 odd years ago, depending on whether you take its origin as when the King of Scotland also became the King of England, when Scotland and England signed the Acts of Union to form the Kingdom of Great Britain, when they tagged on Ireland to form the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, or when Ireland told the rest of Great Britain where to stick itself, apart from a little bit of Ireland, which didn't agree with that, and it became the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, or when the British Lions rugby team first toured in 1888.

Any of those dates are kind of valid start points for the UK, which could be could be ripped to pieces, John.

Things are going to get pretty spicy.

If there is a yes vote to independence Alex Salmon the head of the uh Scottish National Party will demand a ceremonial reattachment of William Wallace's testicles that were so memory sliced off for the strophy freedom fighter at the end of the brave heart documentary which of course starred starred mel gibson as someone who hates jews oh sorry no i'm mixing that up no no i'm mixing up with one of his home videos no no no not with his not with one of his i'm sorry i meant with uh hitler at nuremberg it wasn't mel gibson at all it was not definitely not mel gibson in that video no no you were right and then you You were right.

Just as in Lethal Weapon, he starred as a maverick cop who also hated you.

It didn't become an issue in that movie, but it was there.

Believe me.

The testicle ceremony will feature Salmond himself slicing off Prince Charles's testicles with some Scottish-made garden shears and having them sewn onto his own scrotum or scotum as it will be known after independence and then tattooed with tartan.

But if there's a no vote, then David Cameron will insist that the result of the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314 is overturned into an English victory before a rematch on the same pitch will take place in the form of a rugby match between the England team and the Pitlockery School under Nines.

Alex Salmond said that the Edinburgh Agreement paved the way for the most important political decision that Scotland has made in several hundred years.

He added, it is, in that sense, a historic day for Scotland and I think a major step forward in Scotland's home rule journey.

And he managed to resist delivering that statement on the back of a horse waving a sword around after stripping to the waist and painting himself blue.

But if he wants to go full brave heart on us, Andy, we should go full brave heart on him and hang, draw and quarter him in front of the entire country.

We used to be a a lot more decisive when it came to this kind of conflict resolution with our neighbours.

But as you say, if Scotland does vote for independence, Alex Hammond will become genuinely a historic figure for future generations of independent Scots.

And I wonder if he too will inspire a blockbuster Hollywood action film about him.

I suppose it would be slightly less spectacular rather than a horseback riding William Wallace charging fearlessly into battle with the English screaming freedom in defiant triumph.

It would be a slightly overweight man in a conservative charcoal grey suit walking into a room and quietly signing some papers.

before ripping his clothes off, screaming independence and furiously kissing an attractive red-headed woman in a mini kilt.

That's how the movie will tell the story.

Anyway, Andy, they have to take some license to punch it up a bit.

Shila Burf is David Cameron.

Vin Diesel is Alex Salmond.

Katy Perry is red-headed lady in mini kilt.

In Independence Day 2, Scotland the Brave.

Coming to movie theatres nowhere near you, summer 2015.

There was a.

Obviously, it's a very interesting, it's an interesting issue, John.

It goes to the very heart of what it means to be a nation, questions of identity and you know what it really means to be British and to be Scottish

and also whether it'll make you slightly better off or not.

There was a poll in December that reported that two-thirds of Scots would support independence if it made them £500 a year better off, but only one-fifth of them would support it if it meant they'd be £500 a year worse off.

So it really is an issue of conscience and deeply held philosophical beliefs.

Now I know opinion polls are essentially John like a ventriloquist dummy that you know you stick your hand far enough up them, you can make them say whatever the fk you want.

Well,

only children and idiots will take them seriously.

But even so,

this certainly would have made Braveheart, that we keep referring to, a very different movie.

FREEDOM!

What?

You're not coming with me?

Freedom and £500!

Change!

Listen, Andy, we are a modern people of principle nowadays.

We cannot be bought off at any price unless that price is £500, in which case we are all yours.

Ironically, John, this is Bugle 210.

And in the year 210, the Roman Emperor Septimius Severus sent his son, the future emperor Caracalla, to wipe out all Scots with the words, Let no one escape sheer destruction.

No one escape our hands, not even the babe in the womb of the mother, if it be male, let it nevertheless not escape sheer destruction, said the friendly little emperor.

Words which actually were echoed under his breath by David Cameron as he signed the treaty.

If you really turn up the volume, you can just hear him whispering it.

Luckily for Scotland, though, Septimius Severus popped

his imperial clog soon after that, and Caracalla then became emperor and got distracted.

from the task of wiping out all Scots by the more pressing task of wiping out his entire family as he killed his brother, his ex-wife and his brother-in-law and assorted other friends and acquaintances.

He was described by top ancient Rome obsessive Edward Gibbon as, quotes, the common enemy of mankind, and that is a one-star review.

He also, Caracalla, responded to a satir in the city of Alexandria in Egypt that mocked him by slaughtering 20,000 of its inhabitants.

Now that is one hell of a put-down and suggests that A, he did not take Mickey taking well, B,

No one wanted to be best man at his wedding.

C, he was decisive as a leader, arguably to a fault, And D, he would probably not like the bugle very much.

Now, here's a quick question, quiz question, John, about the Emperor Caracalla.

How, in the notoriously violent days of the early third century in Rome, and bearing in mind that his father,

Septimius, was the only Roman emperor to die of natural causes in a 70-year spell from 180 to 250 AD, and the only one in a 50-year stint not to be assassinated or executed, how did Caracalla, this notorious grandila, die?

A,

peacefully in his sleep at the ripe old age of 93, or B, assassinated whilst taking a WAS at the unripe age of 29?

Or C, motorbike crash.

Oh, it's got to be C.

He sounds like he was a reckless man, Andy, and I'm sure that's exactly the kind of idiotic thing he did.

He probably wasn't wearing a helmet.

Actually, it was B.

John.

He was assassinated after stopping to take a piss by the side of the road.

was killed by one of his bodyguards, which does suggest that he wasn't the easiest boss to work for.

I guess what can we read into all of that?

Don't piss off the Scots.

Bahrain news now, and well Calaculla was not the only one who wasn't great at accepting a well-aimed joke in his direction because authorities in Bahrain have arrested four men on charges of insulting the king on Twitter.

The men, all in their 20s, were arrested on Wednesday morning after security forces confiscated their computers and other electronic equipment.

Criticizing King Hamad or any of the ruling family is a very serious crime in Bahrain and the defendants have been told that they face an urgent trial before the criminal court for their actions.

Look, Andy,

years ago when Mubarak tried to pull this shit and imprison people for insulting him, we devoted most of an episode to stepping up and zinging the shit out of him.

Where is Mubarak now, Andy?

Exactly.

He's out of power and not just that, if health reports are to be believed, if he checks his watch anytime soon, he'll probably notice that it's very nearly dead o'clock.

The point is.

The point is, don't push us, King Hamad.

Because the bugle is nothing if it is not aggressively infantile when it comes to responding to things like this.

You think we're joking?

Brace yourself.

Hey, King Hamad.

Is that your moustache or did you have a Tom Selec transplant?

Boom!

Boom!

Hey, King Hamad, apparently you have four wives.

Congratulations, you made all of them the unluckiest ladies in the world.

Boom, boom!

And finally, hey, King Ahmad, what's got two legs, a stupid moustache, and can go f himself.

It's you!

Boom!

Boom!

How did you not get that last one?

Boom, boom, boom!

Those are just warning shots, Andy.

If a man does not back down, we will release the full insults in a future episode.

Well, this is going to come as a rude shock to him, John, because he probably thought he had the tacit approval of the West for his dictatorial rule due to things like being invited to last year's royal wedding, hosting a Grand Prix, proudly showcasing many of the Western world's leading brands, zooming around a track whilst people across the world settle down for their Sunday snooze, and also being an honorary fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland, despite allegedly imprisoning and torturing surgeons.

Well, yeah, the point is, it's your move, Hamad.

At the moment, Andy and I are just parading our insults through the streets as an interrupt.

Don't make us use these.

And if you do want to come on the bugle next week, Mr.

King Ahmad, please do contact us via Twitter.

And you can have a right of reply.

That seems only fair, John.

It seems only

I've got no problem with that.

Serbian war criminal news now.

And you might remember Radovan Karadic.

He was the former Bosnian Serb leader who was arrested four years ago after 13 years on the run.

It was thought that he'd been in hiding all that time, whereas in fact, he'd just grown a huge white beard and was writing poetry and working openly as a doctor of alternative medicine under the false name Dragan Davich.

Now, I know that sounds a lot more like the plot line to a daytime soap opera than an important piece of European history.

What soap operas do you watch now, John?

Pretty weird ones, Andy.

You need to get back onto neighbours.

They're pretty good over here.

It's a lot of Serbian warlords turning up all the time.

Karadic faces 10 charges of genocide and crimes against humanity, including the Srebrenica massacre, where 7,000 Bosniak men and boys were killed, and the siege of Sarajevo, where more than 12,000 civilians died.

So how do you respond to a rap sheet like that, Andy?

Do you just omit everything and throw yourself at the mercy of the Hague?

Do you desperately try to quickly squeeze out another massive beard from your face and then say, I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong man.

I'm Dr.

Dragan Dabich.

Can I interest you in some echinacea oil?

He did neither of these things, Andy.

Instead, at the start of his war crimes trial at The Hague, he launched into a lengthy personal statement where he took the court on a fascinating journey into the mind of a maniac.

He argued that he should be rewarded for reducing suffering, not accused of carrying out war crimes.

And I think this might make him the first person to turn up to a war crimes tribunal and attempt to flip it on its head by demanding gratitude and a reward.

That's ballsy.

What me govern?

No, I'm just a regular guy defence.

That is, I mean, as you say, that's 10 different charges ranging from inhumane acts to full-on genocide, from murder to taking EPO during the 2003 Tour de France.

I don't know, I'm getting confused now.

He is a hard man to warm to as a neutral John.

I think that's fair to say.

The former poet and author of the best-selling vegetarian food preparation guide, Radavan's Carrot Tips.

Oh, God.

Okay.

It's a one-off, Andy, but that is very good.

Thank you, John.

Now, he went on to say he really did try to show a different side to him.

He went on to say that he was a mild man, a tolerant man, with a great capacity to understand others.

That sounds more like a dating profile than a defense at a war crimes trial.

Was there a horrible mix-up, Andy?

Has E-Harmony now received a dating profile description from him with an 18-page denial of having anything to do with massacring an entire town?

Because if that's true, it would be very interesting to see the dating matches they came back to for him with a profile like that.

I think he'd end up with Kim Kardashian.

That's just my prediction.

What a TV show.

Whoa, what a TV show that would make, John.

He argued that he'd been responsible for great restraint during the war, taking the jazz defense, basically.

Don't listen to the war crimes I committed.

Listen to the war crimes I did not commit.

He also criticised media coverage of the war as biased and disputed the official number of the victims of the war, saying that the true figure was three to four times less.

But just for some mathematical context, there, official figures state that more than 100,000 people were killed during that war.

So even if Caradage's maths were true, which they're not, he would still be claiming the deaths of over 25,000 people.

That's not so much pleading innocent as it is pleading less guilty.

As you say, he claimed he was a tolerant man.

And I guess looking at the evidence, it does suggest that what he was tolerant of was genocide.

And

arguably, you have to be even more tolerant to tolerate something as appalling as that.

Right.

So actually, I guess he could argue.

I mean, he's probably more tolerant than Jesus.

And I think that's a strong defense.

That's a very strong defense.

I wouldn't be surprised if that exact sentiment came out of his hairy face at some points during this trial.

Because he also said that every shell that had fallen on Sarajevo, I quote, hurt me personally.

Although, to be fair, not quite as much as it hurt the people those shells actually fell on.

And finally, he agreed that...

He argued that while some people had clearly been killed, he said, and again, I quote, we also saw android mannequins being thrown onto trucks, creating this show for the world.

That's his defense, Andy, that some of the dead bodies were actually android mannequins.

Did his defense lawyer then proceed to throw themselves through a window at that point?

And did Karadish say, oh, don't worry about it, he's not actually dead.

He was just an animatronic blow-up dog.

I'm telling you, it is such a shame that he's a week late for the brass balls update, Andy, because that is he's a ball-worthy nominee.

He said that he'd done everything within human power to avoid the war and to reduce human suffering.

Before thinking about it for a couple of seconds and adding, hang on,

maybe not quite everything.

I mean, maybe I could have tried to stop my forces carrying out mass slaughter and maybe I could have not done absolutely nothing to stop the war from kicking off.

So when I say everything within human power, I mean everything within the human power of a human with no power who has been dead for several hundred years and lived in a cave all his life and never met met anyone else.

I'm innocent, Judge.

I'm innocent.

Bugle feature section now and daredevils.

And well the world was stunned last weekend, just after we recorded the bugle in fact

by the amazing daredevilry of Felix Baumgartner who in the name of science hurled himself out of a balloon from 24 miles above the earth.

And when I say in the name of of science, it wasn't in the name of science, it was in the name of doing something idiotic for the hell of it, which is a far more noble pursuit.

But we've over-recorded already this week, so we're going to hold the Daredevil section for next week.

And to that end, if you've ever done anything that fits into the category of daredevilry buglers, do let us know on the emails info at thebuglepodcast.com.

And we'll have a special Daredevils feature section next week.

Your emails now, and this one comes from Jeff, who writes, Dear Chris Andy and John, as a long-standing subscriber to the Bugle podcast, I see it as entirely fair that I should sign up for your voluntary contribution scheme.

The only problem I have is settling on a fair valuation for the services offered.

Whilst listening to your podcast on a recent commute to London, I was struck with a solution.

As it costs 30 pence to use the toilets at Waterloo Station, and listening to the bugle is marginally less satisfying than relieving one's bladder, does 27 pence an episode seem fair regards, Jeff Crawford?

I start to argue with that.

Yeah, I think that's that's

I think that is I mean, that is basically how most consumer products are priced.

Yes.

It's in relation to

how much more or less satisfying than a WAS they are.

Yeah, it's basically spread betting a price point.

I mean, that's why pizzas cost, you know, I mean,

probably 20 times more than a WAS, because it's just that much more,

it's 2,000% more satisfying than urinating, as Papa John's old slogan used to say.

We have another email here that says, Dear Admiral Oliver, Major Paul, General Isimo Saltzman, and f Chris.

First, let me congratulate you on five years of brilliant bullshitting.

Your podcast is a light to the world and an inspiration to the masses.

I presume that's sarcastic.

In Bugle 2009, John complained about the lack of a Nobel Peace Prize for the Bugle.

Though your excellent podcast has undeniably been the undoing of many despots, I must agree with the Nobel Committee.

John remarks that he and the bugle have never launched a war, but you did declare one on the sinister town of Elk River, Idaho.

I'd forgotten about that war actually.

I've tried forgotten about that as well.

He says, I'm afraid.

It's easy to forget about wars, isn't it?

He says,

I'm afraid the Nobel Peace Prize only applies to 499,999,999, 997 citizens of the EU.

If it's any consolation, we buglers agree with your decision and support the just and necessary war declared on those degenerates.

Fair point.

Quite frankly, I'm glad the world has not forgotten this inexplicably under-reported war since we've been laying siege to Elk River for over a year after it was ordered in the bugle.

I'm sure you're well aware, as Chris has forwarded all of our monthly reports to you, right?

Good thing, too, since those of us left standing quite demoralised, and another winter is coming.

We're almost out of food, medical supplies, and tombstones.

Oh, man up, you losers.

Oh, thanks, Henry V.

Great speech.

The constant guerrilla-style attacks and insurgency by the locals, paired with a recent outbreak of dysentery, have taken a bit of a toll on the men.

The only kind of solace we have is gathering around a fire, get a bit of frostbite, and listen to Andy's reassuring speech from his pillow fort.

Incidentally, the same fort structure housing your forces in the hills overlooking Elk River.

We'll try to push into town again by next bugle, as we always do after playing one of Andy's pun runs through loudspeakers for a fourth night in lieu of artillery.

Is that a war war crime?

To the last man, the Bugle's Elk River garrison.

P.S., we've saddled and readied your horse, Sylvia Burlispony, for you to ride into battle once you make an appearance in the field.

Heroes.

Heroes.

Well, I mean, it just shows, you know, we'd forgotten about the war between the bugle and the village of Elk River.

But it's something it's so easy to forget about these things, as the people of the Democratic Republic of Congo would testify.

This email comes in from Ross Henrys, aged 35 and 16 days,

who writes, Dear Andy, John, and Chris, in order of being responsible for the most sophisticated and aggressive doping program the world has ever seen.

Guiltiest child went in Rome.

On Sunday, the 21st of October, I will, with many other idiots, be competing in the Birmingham Half Marathon,

including running past the ex-home of the Michael Bolton Collage.

Are you aware of that, John?

Do you

have a Birmingham connection to me?

No.

Yeah.

I think more cities need a collage of Michael Bolton.

They found it to try and concentrate all vandals into one place.

Well, most people are running for either a worthy charity close to their hearts or just running for themselves, the selfish bastards.

I thought I should do the noble thing and do something for the entire world.

So I've encouraged my friends not to sponsor me, but the bugle.

Thanks very much.

Nice.

The bugle has been my finest companion during the hard training runs and without it i'm not sure i would have gotten through this stupid feat you cannot write gotten from from a british address yeah he did it leave him alone that's not allowed john that's not allowed and you you as a linguistic traitor do not have a leg to stand on as that's the last bastion of unbiased news journalism yep that's certainly true um the bugle needs to be saved for all of its seven billion listeners everyone owes the other I shall be saving the podcast for the first part of the race, so hopefully I will have had the pleasure of one of Andy's finest pun runs around the five-mile mark.

I'm sorry, it's just been a couple of puns this week.

You had John doing a run of one pun, and that's joint personal best.

And with any luck, I'll be hearing this email around the nine-mile mark.

So, please read this out and help this 35-year-old short, fat, unfit, and balding bloke to reach the end of the race and then go straight to the pub and get pissed.

Well, Andy, should we uh we could encourage him a little bit now?

Maybe that would help.

Okay, so uh, Ross, run, you fker, run, move it, move it, You loser!

You're moving too slow, Ross!

If you do not get at least a podium finish, do not come back to this podcast.

We will not be associated with losers.

Oh, look to your left.

Is that the Michael Bolton collage location?

Flip in the bud, Ross, and run.

Pump those legs, Ross.

Pump those legs.

Do it for Michael Bolton.

It's what he would have wanted.

He's what?

He's still alive.

Run, Ross.

Run!

Do keep your emails coming in to info at thebuglepodcast.com, including your tales of daredevilry.

And don't forget to check out the SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle.

Recently voted the greatest cultural achievement in the history of the internet.

Sport now, and while the Lance Armstrong saga appears to be reaching its end, John, just before we came on air, he's emotionally admitted that his entire career is a fraud.

In a teary statement from a hedge near his home in Skegness on Sea, Lincolnshire, England, Armstrong admitted that he cannot actually ride a bike without stabilisers or without his father holding his hand and running alongside, shouting, Good boy, keep peddling those little feet of yours.

As his entire life's work has unraveled, Armstrong, Sean, now of all credibility, added that the cancer he's campaigned against so vigorously for a decade and a half is in fact, quotes, great fun and really good for you.

That's it for this week's Bugle.

Thank you very much for listening to Bugle 210.

And we'll be back next week with Bugle 211 and the final of the presidential debates.

John, what's your prediction for that?

How do you see that one going?

It's going to be

my prediction for that is that the founding fathers will be pounding their heads against the roof of their coffins in their grave.

No, no, no, that's demonstrably not what we were hoping for.

And of course, the section on the great daredevils of the modern world, including a man who tried to cross the Irish Sea in a giant hamster wheel.

And it is that kind of heroism that the world needs in these darkened times.

Goodbye, beautiful.

Bye.

Run, Ross!

Run!

Don't stop for a Waz, run!

What happened to Emperor Caracalla when he stopped for a Waz?

Stop for anything!

Bugless 275.

If you stop for a Waz, you get murdered!

Listen to the laws of history!

And Paula Radcliffe.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.