Bugle 204 – What the Feck

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 204 of The Bugle, the world's primary source of hope and facts for the week beginning Monday, the 1st of Gloomyuer, in the year 1AL 2012.

Oh,

it's all going to be over by Monday, but then, why hasn't anyone thought about what happens to everyone then?

There are going to be people wandering around the streets of London 2012 weeping.

What do you mean it was only for fun?

Are we not verifiably the third greatest nation in the world?

What the f ⁇ ?

It was all a giant f ⁇ ing Swizz!

First the Empire and now this!

Man, that is annoying.

How am I going to last four years without being able to remember to care about rowing?

So, tough times for this nation and old money.

This is the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, 13th of August, 2012.

Under three weeks to go until our Paralympic starts.

Let's clutch at those straws.

It'll be okay.

I'm Andy Saltzman,

almost but not quite sported out here in London.

And in New York City, USA, it's John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Andy, I fear that the curse of the bugle has struck again.

No, because previous to last week, I had compared myself to zero Olympic divers in my life.

Last week I compared myself to one Olympic diver, the German Stefan Feck, who, according to the internet, is the same height and weight as me.

My point being that I technically have the body of an Olympic diver.

Just a throwaway comment, Andy.

Just a joke, no harm meant or done.

And the first and only mention of Stefan Feck in the history of the Bugle so far.

If I'm completely honest, I wasn't ever imagining bringing up his name again.

However, days later, Andy, literally days later, I witnessed Stefan Feck jump off a three-metre diving board, spin in the air, lose control of his legs, and land flat on his back in what one outlet described as, and I quote, a devastating backward belly flop, which

as far as I'm personally concerned, Andy, is a compliment because it was spectacular.

As a dive, Andy, it was a feast for the senses because it wasn't just how it looked, it was how it sounded.

The crack of a near-naked body smashing into the unforgiving surface of the water is a gift to the ears, especially when you add the ooze of the crowd and the wind being physically smashed out of Stefan Feck's chest.

It was a symphony of pain.

And what score did he get, Andy?

He got 0.0s across the board from the judges.

Are you f ⁇ ing kidding me, Andy?

Were they watching the same dive that I was?

Because because I saw a man reinventing the sport of diving before my eyes what what are the judges looking for I know in general they're looking at grace through the air and entry into the water with as little splash as possible but what if someone gives you the opposite of that you cannot say that that has no value Andy

well I mean I think also we've got to say clearly Stefan Feck is a big bugle listener.

He's heard last week that

you and he have exactly the same bodies.

So he has now dived like you would have dived.

That's true.

I think he probably got an extra one and a half turns in there, but still, in terms of the entry, you're basically right.

I really think...

What are you wearing a what would John Oliver do bracelet?

I didn't see.

I'll look it up on YouTube again.

It's definitely worth a look.

I do think it raises the point that the IOC needs to seriously look into changing the judging requirements for diving now because there should be points available for for the funniness of a dive.

It's just as subjective as any of the other judging criteria.

The Chinese divers, for instance, have been absolutely magnificent this year, but not very funny at all.

I would love to hear commentators say, Well, Tobias Chantel of Belgium up next.

He's going to be attempting a half-somersault with a single panicked leg kick, followed by two and a half screams of, oh shit, before landing face first into the water.

This dive potentially has a high degree of funniness.

And here he goes.

I've nailed it.

Outstanding dive.

The judges are in hysterics.

I can see one pounding the table in laughter as Tobias is helped semi-conscious out of the water with one of his testicles now visible out the corner of his speedos.

Tremendous stuff from the Belgian.

It'd be nice to see a kind of cartoon someone just charging off the end of a board, hanging in mid-air, looking downwards, and then just plummeting straight into the water.

Let's get diving back to its roots.

Well, I think Stefan Feck has given the world one of the most memorable moments of the 2012 Olympics Andy and we should all be grateful.

His very name should become a descriptive term in the English language from now on.

Doing a Stefan Feck should describe failing at something so spectacularly that you actually do something more incredible than the thing you were originally intempting to do in the first place.

Of course, look, his name did not help with a story like this, Andy.

One One British newspaper ran with the headline, oh Feck, with the photo of him hitting the water and a perfectly horizontal 180 degrees.

They, in doing so, passed up the opportunities to go with, holy Feck, or German diver in huge Feck up, or Fecking Hell, that must have hurt like Feck.

Amazingly, not everyone has had as instinctively joyous a response to this as I did, Andy.

The German swimming legend and four-time gold medalist Roland Mattis heavily criticised Feck, called him shameful and unworthy.

Well, f you, Roland.

Let me tell you how many dives I remember from this Olympics.

It's one, Roland, and it's Stefan Feck's dive.

And let me tell you how many dives I remember from your entire career, Roland.

Zero.

In fact, I didn't even know you were a diver until I read that quote from you about Stefan Feck, who I have heard of, because he's the guy that did the funniest dive in Olympics history.

With all due respect to Greg Lagarnis.

Yeah.

That's right.

He pimped him at the

that's a good point, Andy.

I just don't think Greg Lagarnis was just too horrifying.

It's because it was concrete.

It was just too horrifying.

He wasn't on the springy dive.

It was a springboard.

Yeah, it was the three-metre springboard.

It was a springboard.

Was it really?

Yeah, I think if I would have been a concrete one,

I'm not sure he'd have recovered in time to take part in the final.

The point is,

I'm truly proud that we trumpeted Stefan Feck even before he'd done anything worth trumpeting.

And I would like to now declare formally Stefan Feck the official three-metre diver of the bugle.

In fact, I would like to offer Stefan Feck, I think the Bugle should try and sponsor him at the next World Diving Championships

on the sole condition that he do exactly the same dive again.

Also, in the micro-bugle bugle on Thursday morning, I predicted that Usain Bolt would win the 200 in 19.33 seconds.

And what did he 19.32?

Whoa.

Pretty close.

You're the Colin Jackson of the bugle, then.

That's right.

So, but more so, arguably.

And I've never screwed up an Olympic final like he did.

No.

Not once.

Not once.

That loser.

That multiple world title winning loser.

top story this week south korea's president has controversially visited a japanese island in a move which is set to increase diplomatic tensions over disputed territory uh actually hold on a second andy hold on

just kidding andy did you honestly think it was going to be anything else other than the olympics as samuel johnson once wrote andy when a man is tired of the london olympics he is a f ⁇ ing arsehole, Andy.

Samuel Johnson was right then, and he is even righter now.

Final Olympics update now.

Oh, Andy,

it's nearly over.

I know, it's so.

It's very difficult.

It's going to be very difficult.

I'm going to need a lot of support and help.

On Sunday, the Olympics will have a closing ceremony, and both Britain and Britain's own Andy Zoltzman will stare into the void of nothingness before gleefully awarding themselves the gold medal for having an existential crisis.

I personally can't recall a point in my lifetime, Andy, when Britain has been this happy.

No,

I'm not sure there has ever been.

I think there's been.

Yeah.

I think we've maxed out.

I think, yeah, I can only judge from.

Yeah, Queen Victoria streaked through Hyde Park on her coronation.

But not as many people saw that, Andy.

She didn't have the ratings.

That was a word-of-mouth thing.

And you can't describe the glory of seeing Queen Victoria wheezing and sweating her way naked, touching a tree and then running back home.

It sounds amazing, but it looked sensational.

Yeah, I don't think Britain has ever has.

I think you're right.

I think this is the happiest Britain has ever been and probably ever will be.

At least until we get awarded the 2018 World Bowls Championships.

Yeah, it's been phenomenal.

As we said last week, it's all these people working for nothing, people going to see sports they simply don't understand.

This is the future for our nation, John.

We're just bringing joy in the simple things in life.

The simple things like

equestrian dressage.

Well, I mean, that's a good point.

I mean, we've been winning gold medals.

all over the place.

The most important of which was just yesterday when Britain, as you mentioned, won gold in the dressage in a huge f ⁇ you to Mitt Romney.

As we mentioned last week, one of Mitt Romney's horses, Rafalca, was competing in the dressage, making him the first American presidential candidate to actually own an Olympic athlete, I believe,

since Thomas Jefferson, who once owned a 400-metre hurdler called Trevor.

But the less said about that, the better.

The point is that Romney came over to England, Andy, and he said the Olympics would be terrible.

And so we sat back, knowing that we had the opportunity to hit him where it really hurts by beating his stupid horse in the stupid horse dancing.

I think when we accepted our gold medals in the dressage, Andy, the athletes should have just each raised a middle finger on the podium into the air just to drive the point to Romney that he and his horse are both a bunch of finging losers.

Yeah, I mean we've now proved ourselves to have the danciest horses in the whole of the horseyverse.

No one prances better.

No.

I'm not spooning right now.

It's probably one of the greatest achievements in British history.

I think it's up there with

Faraday inventing whatever he invented.

What was it?

The

toasted sandwich maker, I think, wasn't it?

Yeah, I think it was.

I think it was, yeah.

Yeah, the Breville machine.

Since we last recorded a full bugle, as listeners to my Londonian 5772 Name Games micro bugles will know, I've seen Usain Bolt run the semis and finals of both 100 and 200 meters, John.

And I think

it's been an amazing thing to see, and I think that it has laid to rest any lingering disputes over whether or not Usain Bolt is a fast man.

I think those arguments are now over.

And it was amazing to be at the centre of the sportiverse for those 10 magnificent seconds, the fastest a group of men have ever run in a straight line, at least since Henry VIII said, now which of you guys has got a daughter who could do a job as my third wife whilst playing Keepe Huppy with Anne Boleyn's head.

And on Thursday, last night, as we record, I saw the 200-meter vine when Boltz, perhaps John, inspired by your rant against Michael Phelps and his claims to be the greatest ever Olympian on last week's bugle, put himself right in contention

at the top of the list of greatest ever Olympians by retaining both sprint titles alongside the likes of Phelps, Carl Lewis, Nadia Komenich, Jesse Owens and champion the Wonder Horse who took gold in equestrian dressage and show jumping in 1952 and 56 before taking gold in the men's 400 metre hurdles in Rome in 1960 before being disqualified after his urine tested positive for being a horse.

But it was amazing.

First man ever to retain both sprint titles.

Jesse Owens was denied that opportunity by a range of factors.

Firstly, the 1940 Olympics being postponed due to Hitler being a very naughty man.

And also by the fact that he had his amateur status withdrawn soon after the 36 Olympics by the US athletics authorities after taking up some commercial endorsement offers.

And therefore, he was unable to compete in any future Olympics had they happened.

So I think it's fair to say that Owens...

It's not quite get the rewards for success that Bolt can expect now.

Bolt presumably already doing quite well financially out of being the fastest man in the history of anything, one of the greatest showmen in the history of sport and a lifelong fan of Visa cards.

Whereas Jesse Owens did not even receive a well-done and thank you telegram from President Roosevelt.

And when he was given a reception in his honor in New York City after the 36 games at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel,

he was given this reception in his honor.

He had to take the freight elevator up to that reception because he was black.

Is that true?

That is true.

Yep.

Holy shit.

Shows

how much progress has been made thanks to people like him.

Also how slow America was out of the blocks in that particular race.

Yes.

And Owens ended up trying to make a living by racing against horses.

Yeah.

And he said,

this is a quote from him.

He said, people said it was degrading for an Olympic champion to run against a horse.

But what was I supposed to do?

I had four gold medals, but you can't eat four gold medals.

Oh,

he didn't fall out by saying, at least not at once.

And also, I reckon you could probably give it a go.

You know, mash them up into some squelched up potatoes, maybe a bit of gold leaf in a soup or on a Pavlovo, chunk it down into peanut butter.

I guess the greater problem is you can eat four gold medals, but they're not very nutritious.

That's right.

And you'd need some industrial equipment to whittle them down to swallowable-sized bits that wouldn't kill you as you attempt to digest them.

But I guess

his point does stand.

I think he's got to be up there, John.

He's Michael Johnson's greatest ever Olympian, Jesse Owen still.

But I think Bolt is now, he's up on that podium.

He's got to be up there.

The big story, as you mentioned, the big track and field story of the week, is that Usain, I am fing fast.

Bolt is still fing fast.

I mean,

what was it like seeing a man moving that quickly in the flesh, Andy?

It must be quite weird.

It is quite weird.

It's all over very quickly.

And it's an amazingly, it was an amazingly intense emotional experience to be at, you know, just the greatest sporting event in the world, basically.

10 seconds out of every four years.

As I said on the Micro Bugle podcast, it is as simple as sport gets.

Get from here to here in a straight line faster than anyone else.

And it's just

it is a phenomenal visual feast that you can't quite take in when you're watching it.

You know, so you've seen him four times, Andy.

That equals almost to the tenth of a second you've seen him run for 60 seconds.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, in terms of pounds per minute, pounds per second that I've spent on watching Usain Bolt, he's doing pretty well out of it.

But I would say those pounds were well spent.

Yeah.

One of the interesting things they're embosing you with that's starting to creep into the 100-metre final is that each competitor is now doing a little opening dance or gesture as the camera introduces them.

And I'm all for this, Andy.

Justin Gatlin did a weird backwards and forwards walk, and Usain Bolt did a little mime of a DJ scratching before pointing both fingers towards the finish line, which he was about to move towards very f ⁇ ing quickly indeed.

Now, clearly, these opening mimes are getting extremely popular.

I think it's important that lots of imagination goes into taking them to the next level from now on.

Well, here we go, the hundred-meter final in lane one.

It's Hasafa Powell of Jamaica.

There he is, miming, whisking together eggs and flour in a bowl.

I think he's making some kind of cake.

He's he's popped it in the oven, now he's miming, taking it out.

He's acting like it's very hot, and he's offering the other races a slice, super stuff.

In lane two, it's Charandry Martina of the Netherlands.

He's miming reading great expectations by Charles Dickens.

Seems to be really enjoying it, but no, he's fallen asleep with it on his stomach.

Chirandi looks nice and loose there.

In lane three,

Justin Gatlin of the United States.

Justin is giving us a kabuki dance interpretation, telling the story of the 47 Ronin who track down their enemy and exact revenge upon him before committing seppuku as required by their code of honor.

A moving performance.

That's classic Gatlin.

He could be dangerous today.

In lane four, it's Richard Torpedo Thompson of Trinidad and Tobago.

He's frozen still, acting like one of those street statue artists.

I think he's trying to be the Churchill statue from outside Parliament.

Don't really get that one.

Doesn't really work for me.

In lane five, it's Usain Bolt.

He has put up a white screen and he's doing some shadow hand puppetry showing himself beating a giraffe in a race.

Always something new from Bolt.

Next to him in lane six, it's Johan Blake.

Blake is acting like he's trapped in a box.

Now he's signalling there's no air in that box and he's dropped dead to the floor in this investigation.

And finally in lane seven it's Ryan Bailey of the United States who is prancing around like a dressage horse with Tyson Gay in lane eight on his back wearing a top hat.

So with all the sprinted introductions over this is set up to be a sensational race.

Before the 200 meter final, Bolt was basically trying to chat up the woman who was monitoring his blocks and

he mimed unplugging the full start mechanism.

Is that true?

Oh, that's that's awesome.

But it must be so intimidating to have this before, you know, the most important sporting event of your life, your prime competitor dicking around

a child.

That is the greatest psychological warfare in history.

We should have tried that with the Germans in the First World War.

Instead of looking all serious-faced at the Battle of the Somme, we should have come over the top and just started break dancing.

I think it was at the World Championships.

It was at a meet about a year ago when he was at the 100 meter start line and the camera came across him.

He looked to his left, shook his head, looked to his right, shook his head, pointed at himself and nodded his head.

And I think basically the entire crowd fundamentally agreed with it.

You do have to have the speed to back that up.

Yes.

Were I to do that on the start line of an Olympic 100 metres, well for a start, I'd be rapidly carted away having not qualified.

Or if I had qualified I'd be asked to piss extremely hard into a bucket.

But you've got you, I mean he's earned, I guess he's earned that, he's earned the rights to work the room like that.

In other amazing Olympic news, a member of the American 4x400 meter relay team yesterday broke his leg during the race and still managed to finish.

The athlete's name is Manteo Mitchell and he started off the race and he broke his leg about halfway through his 400 meters.

He said as soon as I took the first step past the 200-meter mark, I felt it break.

I didn't want to let the three guys or the team down, so I just ran on it.

Now, I guess you never know how you would react in a situation for sure, Andy, but I'm guessing that I would immediately in that situation have fallen to the floor before screaming out, ah,

I've broken my leg.

Somebody help me immediately.

I no longer care about this race or indeed any of my teammates on account of the fact I just broke my fing leg.

Ah, my leg hurts.

But it gets better.

The US team still came second and qualified because he managed to finish his opening lap in 46.1 seconds.

Andy, I couldn't run the 400 meters that quickly with zero broken legs.

And it is amazing to me that Manteo Mitchell could legitimately say to someone, I could beat you around this track with a broken leg and be correct about it.

I guess it depends how badly broken, you know.

I mean, if he'd been properly done over by some hired goons with crowbars at the 200 metre mark, different story.

Different story entirely.

I saw last night, I also saw for the first time in my life, I saw live an athletics world record being broken in the 800 meters.

David Rudisha, the young Kenyan, broke his own world records.

And

it is an amazing thing to see a person do something that has never ever been done before.

Now, listeners to the microbeels will have heard me waxing extremely, almost creepily lyrical about the athletically gorgeous Alison Felix, who is unquestionably your go-to lady, John, if you want someone to deliver an urgent handwritten note or snack to someone who is standing about 120 yards away but around a bend in a river that then straightens out.

She's a woman who runs so beautifully, it makes you want to get down on your hands and knees and thank whatever God happens to be present at the time for inventing hip joints.

And Rudisha is

the male Alison Felix, and he runs four times as far, which I guess makes him your go-to man if you want someone to act as an intermediary in a domestic argument in which two spouses are standing stroppily on opposite sides of an oblong-shaped ancient hill fort of 400 metres in circumference, blaming each other for forgetting to bring the right children with them for their family days out, in which blame and counter-blame are exchanged twice before the police are called just as the third set of insults is about to be traded.

By which I mean he's very good at running 800 meters around an an athletics track

but

bolts tactics in the 100 meters were no real surprise you know start fast uh get faster and then keep going fast but rugita basically did the same for 800 meters breaking his own world record at a distance i think he's only had three world records set in the last uh 30 years he led from soup to cheese running as if he'd been injected with a pure liquefied chopin piano sonata it's fine it's only athletics enhancing not performance enhancing as if he'd swallowed the parthenon and then been on a date with all three of canova's three graces he pegged it so fast that six of the other seven guys ran personal career bests, meaning that it was one of those rare occasions in sports when the defeated shake hands with their conqueror at the end and say, well done and thank you very much.

As you say, John, Britain has been in a state of ludicrous and joyous overexcitement mostly, particularly the people going to and staffing the events.

And it has been a great time to bury bad news.

The latest economic figures that have come out have shown that basically we are still utterly screwed.

Possibly because people have just taken two weeks off work physically and mentally.

And also you just worry about what's going to turn up.

That the things that we've not noticed in the last two weeks,

latest government scheme whereby all children who fail literary tests age seven will be humanely put down.

I mean it won't be popular, but ultimately possibly good for the economy.

That Chinese President Hu Jin Tao has just been installed as third in line to the throne.

Does seem sensible.

They should have married Princess Anne often in the 70s when they had the chance.

And also, that all old people over the age of 75 who got tickets for the Olympics will be killed.

But they cannot have everything.

And also, that George Osborne has now been revealed as the real Jack the Ripper.

Osborne, aged 174, has maintained his youthful smug looks by drinking homeopathic Queen Victoria's blood from droplets that he acquired in 1873 at a party.

There we go.

Russian Orthodox Church and punk music update now.

And

what a biathlon that is.

That is a real test of your all-round abilities.

You can take Dennis's heptathlon.

Anyone can do that.

Anyone can jump over some hurdles and chuck some things and jump around.

But if you can combine the Russian Orthodox Church and punk music, you are a true all-rounder.

A band of three Russian women called Pussy Riot are currently on trial.

That That was my nickname at school.

I don't know why that surprises me so little, Andy.

I'm just waiting for my body to go into shock, but

it doesn't seem natural.

It was a mistranslation.

They're currently on trial in Russia after being accused of wearing brightly coloured balaclavas and singing an anti-Putin punk prayer in the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour in Moscow.

They've already been imprisoned for five months on charges of hooliganism and were initially facing up to seven years in jail at this trial.

It seems like the anti-Putin part of the anti-Putin song is the key problem.

The song called on the Virgin Mary to help them get rid of Putin, but I don't know how they thought the Virgin Mary was going to do that exactly, but you know, desperate times call for desperate measures.

And Pussy Riots are a punk band.

I guess that is no real surprise.

You know what you're getting with a band called Pussy Riot, Andy.

You're getting punk music.

You are not getting a string quartet.

You're never going to go to the Royal Albert Hall and hear the announcement next on tonight's programme, performing Heiden String Quartet Opus 76, number one in G major, please welcome Pussy Riot.

Well, you really clearly never saw the Cockhammer acapella quartet.

Was that off the top of your head, Andy?

Well, did the cockhammer acapella quartet

is that something that just

is that off the top of my head?

If you're saying, do I have the commemorative cockhammer hat?

Yes, I do.

He's wearing it.

What a performance.

Mozart Requiem.

Awesome.

The trial has caused a big stir in Russia, and the husband of one of the women involved has been keeping an amazing diary of each day in court.

Apparently, it's been quite a spectacle.

The defendants have been kept in a glass box, and there is a huge dog in the middle of the courtroom who barks crazily whenever anyone raises their voice.

It's amazing.

That sounds like something they've missed out in the Olympic cycling.

They've got a race that started with a guy on a

motorized bicycle.

Basically a motorbike going around always pulls out, cheapens the victory for the person on a bike.

But having a large dog barking, if you had the cyclist dressed as postman and a large dog starting the race.

That would be fantastic.

Also, the witnesses that the prosecution have been calling sound particularly amazing.

The husband wrote that I quote, a woman who looks after the candles in the church testifies.

She says she saw the girls devilish twitching and committing impudences.

Is this a court case from the mid-12th century, Andy?

Because I think that's the last time either of those charges were leveled at a woman.

I think devilish twitching ran for Jamaica in the 400 meters.

Then the witness stands really took it up a crazy peg because a man stepped up and said the girls had placed themselves in hell that they declared war on God.

That hell is as real as the Moscow subway.

Really?

Does that mean hell is as beautiful as the Moscow subway, Andy?

Is it as famously architecturally breathtaking?

Or is he saying that the Moscow subway, like hell, does not necessarily exist and may just exist as a state of mind in the true believer?

Or, as a third option, is this guy f ⁇ ing mental?

It's got to be one of those three.

Well, what you would expect in any disputes involving the Russian state and the Russian Orthodox Church is for Madonna to get involved.

And it's happened so often in all

Russian state and church disputes.

She was there, of course,

on the streets of St.

Petersburg in 1917.

singing an early version of Like a Virgin.

But

she stepped in and expressed her support for Pussywright, and a senior Russian official has called her a moralising slut,

or the Russian term for slut,

in response to this, which

seems a little bit, I mean, he could certainly quibble with her certain aspects of her musical output over the last 20 years.

That seems far more relevant than

just costing these

personal insults at her.

But it does suggest that Madonna could definitely have a role resolving international disputes.

I'd like to see Madonna deployed to the Middle East, John.

I think she could be the one to bring the Israelis and the Palestinians together in

united admiration of getting into the groove.

Well, she's...

She's got a bit of previous on this talk.

On this current European tour, she caused a stir in France by putting up a picture of Marine Le Pen with a swastika on her face.

Now she has, you know, we've done this concert in Moscow by writing pussy right on her back and wearing one of their signature colourful balaclavas.

Basically, she's been going all across Europe, traveling the continent, somehow managing to make everyone's problems all about her.

And as you say, the Russian official who was a deputy prime minister and a former ambassador to NATO,

he called her a moralizing slut and went on to say, either take off the cross or put on underpants.

Interesting, I believe that was the exact argument that thousands of abused children made to their Catholic priests Andy

either take off the cross or put on underpants.

You can't have it both ways.

There was a spectacular quote as well from one man railing against the band who said, you wouldn't insult your parents and in the same way you wouldn't defecate in a church.

That is literally apropos of nothing, Andy, but it's still a pretty eye-catching sentence because you you could insult your parents that's not against the law and nor is defegating in a church as long as it's in any of the designated bathrooms in that church or is a genuine unavoidable accident and you know those women weren't doing either of those things so you know that man's logic is as real as the Moscow subway

People all over the world are showing their solidarity for the members of Pussy Right by wearing their trademark colourful balaclavas.

Andy and I are both wearing colourful balaclavas right now.

You obviously can't see that, but you might be able to slightly hear it.

Although, just to be clear,

we're both wearing very intricate balaclavas in the colourful but intensely realistic patterns of each other's faces.

As it happens, we do that anyway for all bugle recordings.

It's nothing to do with the pussy right girls whatsoever.

It started way back.

I think it was something to do with wearing them so that if either of us ever robbed a bank, we could blame it on the other one.

Your emails now.

This Olympic-themed email comes in from Richard, who writes, Dear the Bugle.

That nice and concise start.

It appears that some American tabloid called the New York Times has engaged in some dubious restructuring of the Olympics medals table.

They've ranked countries in order of total medals gained rather than gold medals.

This change coincidentally has elevated the US from number two on the list to head honchos and dropped Team GB from third to fourth.

Oh, that is ridiculous.

Everyone knows that the system of rating one gold medal above 55 silvers and 83 bronzes is the fairest way of judging.

Yes.

Shame on you.

Shame.

I mean, it's been a ridiculous, ridiculous Olympics.

I'm not sure that country is going to be able to calm down and return to reality.

We've had a daily dose of vicarious achievement that has absolutely nothing to do with us.

It's awesome.

Other than the fact that we've funded the lottery.

But

anyway, he carries on.

Therefore, I'd like to propose an alternative to their alternative.

Olympics medal stable as of 9th of August at 21.30 hours.

Team GB in Northern Ireland and former members of the British Empire.

79 gold, 69 silver, 77 bronzes.

Next up, China.

37 gold, 23 silvers, 19 bronzes.

We're the greatest empire-building nation in the world.

And I guess that is including the total from your

current country.

John, as party continues as part of the glorious, Team GB and Northern Ireland and Empire are included as nations of Jamaica, Trinidad and Tobago, New Zealand, Australia, Ireland, bracket sorry, Cyprus, India.

That is not an official apology.

You could put bracket sorry after all of these nations.

That is so true.

Or at least bracket sorry and you're welcome.

Sorry, you're welcome and whoops.

Sorry, welcome and, well, sorry.

Cyprus, India, Malaysia, Kenya, South Africa, Botswana, Egypt, Canada, and a group of ex-colonies who call themselves the United States of America.

He concludes, if we can conquer nations as quickly as we can cycle around a small indoor track with banked edges whilst wearing a giant Leica one-piece condom outfit, then we will parade together at Rio 2016 once again.

Vive la revolution.

Richard,

that's not vive la revolution.

La revolution was the problem in the first place.

It's more la revolution.

There's another great email here from Rebecca Wolak who says, Dear John, Andy, and Chris, in order of proximity to my current location, yes, I know you're wondering how I know Andy is closer than Chris.

Let's just say there are more satellites up there than the US acknowledges.

She says, As a recent Middle East history graduate, I try to stay in the know about current events in the Middle East.

So I found it absolutely hilarious when I typed in Syria on iTunes and the bugle was the first podcast on the list.

Yes.

I found this highly amusing as your podcast is obviously the only proper news organization to get news in syria from i would also wage that if you do two more podcasts with 10 minutes of syrian content the regime will fall if you're up for it just send a response we can hammer out the details waiting patiently for silvio berlusconi's fantastic return to power rebecca well that's i mean look andy we took down hosni

Yeah, don't push it, Asad.

That's what

he is pretty visibly pushing it.

Don't push it any harder.

I saw a Syrian high jumper in the high jumper qualifying as one does.

And it was quite an interesting, we kind of kind of get applause from the crowd, as high jumpers do, kind of clapping his hands so everyone joins in

rhythm.

And you could slightly feel some of the crowds thinking, well, hang on, can you first tell us whose side you're on?

Because

whether we should be booing you all the way over the bar.

Thank you very much.

Do keep them coming in to info at thebuglepodcast.com.

And don't forget to check check out our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle, where you can get all the micro bugles and all the bugles since we were granted independence by our generous benefactors, the Times.

And I will do three more micro bugles for Saturday, Sunday, and a final staring into the bleak chasm of no sportingness on Monday morning.

What is Monday's micro bugle?

Is it just going to be you sobbing slightly inaudibly in the background?

What's the point?

I don't know.

What's the point?

It's going to be like Churchill's funeral, but more so.

Well, that's it for this week's bugle.

If you live in the United States of America, Andy is going to be making...

She's not your...

Yeah, I suppose it technically is your US stand-up debut.

Yep.

Isn't it?

Because he was just kind of that, the scientist character in my special.

So, this is your stand-up debut in the United States.

Let's hope that

my stand-up debut in Britain, which the first two TV shows I did stand-up on in this country, the BBC stand-up show live and then the live floor show, I was in the last ever episodes of both.

I destroyed those two shows, John.

Be warned.

Yeah, I'm three series deep, Andy, so this is taking a huge risk.

Can we get it in Britain at all or not?

I don't think so.

You don't deserve it in Britain, Andy.

You got medals instead.

That's right.

We don't need it.

Thanks for listening, Buglers.

We'll be back next week

in the start of a new post-Olympics era.

God

help us.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.