The Bugle Q&A, vol 1

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Hello buglers and welcome to Bugle 187 sub-episode alpha.

Uh we're off this week because uh John's on holiday.

Mm-hmm.

and And you know, I've just got shit to do.

Got to stick up a shelf or something.

And instead, we're doing a QA.

And you have submitted questions to the Bugle Twitter feed and on Facebook.

And we are going to attempt to answer as many as possible in the short time available.

It turns out that asking buglers for questions, Andy, is waving a red rag in front of a very eccentric bull.

I put a thing up on the at Hello Buglist Twitter feed feed and have received, it seems about 200 questions in two hours.

Chris, you've stuck something up on Facebook and have received a similar amount.

Yeah, and I'm really, really thinking about quitting.

Staring off the edge of a cliff of sanity.

Well, pull out some questions, Andy.

Hang on.

I'm happy to answer any of them and all of them.

John, what's your favourite breed of horse?

That's from Shane Porter.

My favourite breed of horse?

Good question.

I guess a grey horse.

That's the only breed of horse I know, the grey ones.

So which was

what horse was

that one that had a movie made about it that

Spider-Man rode?

Sea biscuit.

Spider-Man rode.

Sea biscuit.

What kind of horse?

Sea biscuit.

That's my favourite breed of horse.

The sea biscuit horse.

Any horse that has Spider-Man riding it and making people cry is fine by me.

Well, there's been some breaking news today that, well, today, as we record, way back in distant history, as you listen to this, the Archbishop of Canterbury is stepping down.

And this question from Greg Jenner: can lapsed Jews be the Archbishop of Canterbury?

If so, let's drop the schmaltz and bring on the zaltz.

Well, look, if it's not for your campaign to be Archbishop, Andy, it's got to be for your campaign to be something.

Drop the schmaltz, bring on the zaltz.

Well, Andy Zoltzman for IOC Olympic Commissioner.

Well, I mean, also, are all Christians not technically lapsed Jews?

I mean,

that's

definitely the Jewish view of the world.

St.

Paul, founder of the.

Yeah.

Well, was it Peter or Paul who founded the...

God, you're a terrible Jew.

Well, no, that's after the relevant bit, isn't it?

That's when it gets into the creative writing stage rather than the God-given truth stage, isn't it?

That's just someone's

writing project.

Well, I guess, in relation to the question, Andy, I wouldn't bring that up at your job interview for Archbishop of Canterbury.

Anyway, the point.

Well, that's the creative writing stage.

The point is St.

Peter lapsed you yeah Pope Pope number one yeah Pope hashtag one yeah lapsed Jew laps due

so I don't see why I could not be the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Well it's a bold interview technique move Andy but you know who knows it could be success might separate you from the pack.

I'm not sure I could I'm not I think the hat might suit me actually.

I think that's probably true.

You just gotta hope it doesn't make you look too much like you're in the Ku Kots Klan.

I should try one on.

That might be a good idea.

Unforgivable.

What?

What?

Who would win in a fight?

Asks Tom Ward.

John or Andy?

What kind of fight, Andy?

Well, I know it just says a fight.

There were actually quite a few

on this similar question.

Who would win in a fist fight?

I mean, you and me.

Well, I don't know, Andy.

I guess there's only one way to find out, and that is to put on some music, strip to the waist, and wrestle in front of a fire like God intended.

It's what us Brits do, isn't it?

That's

every argument, yeah.

This

from the oh so curly one writes, what's the funniest thing Horace or Matilda has ever said, my children?

What do you reckon?

Well I'd say probably when my daughter was still less than two years old

and she said to me, grow up, daddy.

I remember that.

Come on.

Jeez,

that was both very funny and a very good point.

I thought that kid's smart.

That's a perceptive child going.

Look, I need a more mature role model if I'm to grow properly.

On that note, Ian Hayden's got a kind of comedy joke here, which is technically funnier.

The cock on the bulls?

Ooh, that is a good question.

I mean, that is almost like a, you know, Buddhist philosophy.

It's this former New York mayor Ed Cox we're talking about

or

or current current Liberal Democrat Ed Bulls.

Bulls.

He's Labour, John.

He's been out of the cock.

I mean, it's only a label, really.

The cock or the balls, I mean, they're both extremely amusing.

I mean,

both benefit the other as well.

I guess they're greater than the sum of their parts.

I'd probably say separate balls.

Big Chief Gra asks, isn't the internet great?

Can we start a Bugle political party?

You should be co-prime ministers.

That ain't going to happen.

That's not going to happen for good reasons.

Good reasons, Andy.

Very, very good economic and political reasons.

Plus, John's just too busy.

No, the filming schedule weren't.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

Smurfs 2 might be happening.

Whilst

Hallow to North asks, if you were to melt down Ed Miliband for scrap, what would you make from the resulting molten liquid?

Well, first I'd remove that if and replace it with a when, Andy.

What would I I guess I'd build an Ed Milliband series of action figures.

I'd build 1,500 Ed Milliband action figures for children

to put them to sleep.

Different poses, the

slightly annoying, the

groundless grandstanding pose.

Yes.

I'd give it away with McDonald's happy meals.

Yeah.

And the slogan, This man is too young to be a political leader.

Can't get a proper job.

Miss

Mr.

Nick Innet.

This is the thing with Twitter names.

They sound all like stupid horse names.

Asks, and this is something you might be able to answer: is Rick Santorum really as mad as a bag of hammers as he seems?

How long before Armageddon, if he gets elected to the big job?

He is mad as a bag of hammers.

If he gets, I won't be around.

If he gets to be president of the United States, I won't be around to see Armageddon Andy because I will have thrown myself into the Grand Canyon.

So you'll have to let me know in the afterlife.

Right.

Yeah.

Will there not be quite

a traffic jam trying to get to the Grand Canyon?

Well, also,

I think I'd be in real trouble because

we did a piece of the first Republican debate where

I held up, we were doing it like it was a horror movie, and I held up a cross into Rick Santor's face in the press room and started chanting, Yay, do I walk through the valley of the shadow of death?

And I remember seeing his face, and it was the face of a man who was definitely not amused by it.

I was removed from the press area after that.

So I think I'm probably on some kind of list.

Best case scenario, I get a full tax audit.

Worst case scenario, it's the chair, Andy.

Mid-case scenario, deportation.

Andy, James Edge wants to know if there'll be a sequel to The Congressman's Penis.

It's a franchise, Andy.

Yeah, I mean, that's not in my hands.

That's, I guess, those who end up digging up John Grisham's backyard to find what's been buried underneath.

You know, if there's more manuscripts,

it's like Oxyrhynchus

plenty more.

So,

Sean T.

Ellis writes, Will you mention my friend Alex Terce?

I'm trying to get his name on every podcast I listen to, so he thinks I'm stalking him.

No, no, absolutely.

Won't do that.

Absolutely not.

The name Alex Terse will never be mentioned in a podcast.

Fuck you, Terse.

Borough Clough asks, What's your favourite cheese?

Good question.

I like cheese.

Now, you're going to go a long way, Andy, to beat a good Parmesan.

Yep.

Yep.

It ain't just about sprinkling on pasta, Andy.

Well, I mean, that's a multi-purpose cheese, the Parmesan, isn't it?

Strong team player.

Yeah.

And yet, also, it's a flair player on its own, but it'll do a job for you.

Yeah.

And excellence, you know, sliced into a salad.

I mean, there's very few salads that can't be improved.

That's what I'm talking about.

Parmesan is the iniester of cheeses, Andy.

It's an unsung hero, and it's technically perfect.

Yeah.

But it's, yeah, I mean, it just floats into spaces that you don't even know exist

in your diet.

What about you, Andy?

I mean, you're a man who's eaten almost an entire brie on a day.

That's right.

Well, I don't know.

I like an Erpois, John.

Yeah, what is that?

That's a kind of soft, moldy number.

Yeah.

Generally comes in a little wooden round box.

Is that a room clearer?

That is a room clearer.

Yeah,

that can definitely vacate a premises.

It's a funky cheese.

It's the George Clinton cheese, right?

That's right.

Yeah, it looks like a really comfortable mattress until you eat it.

It tastes like a really uncomfortable mattress.

Elizabeth Tate George has got an ambiguous question here.

How did Andy find America?

And I don't know if that's geographically or in terms of enjoyment.

Well, that's both ways, Andy.

How did you find America?

Well, I just looked down out of the plane, said, pilot, land me there.

That'll do.

Oh, shit, that's Newfoundland.

No, a little bit further, please.

A little bit further.

That's Mexico.

Too far.

And what about how do you find it in general, Andy?

That's awesome, mate.

Yeah, it's the greatest country in the world.

Number one.

Number one.

Yeah, but I haven't learned how to say math.

Doesn't matter.

Don't need to.

Or

sport.

Don't need.

That's plural.

Math.

Singular.

What is up with you people?

You are monsters.

You don't need to say words accurately, Andy.

Right.

Not when you have the amount of hot dogs that are in this country.

Hot dogs and nuclear weapons means that you can play fast and loose with language.

Sure is.

You want to call me on that?

Yeah, no, it's been good.

But

I've eaten too much red meat.

Yeah.

Well, but that's in the eye of the beholder.

The beholder being a doctor looking at a scan of your stomach.

This question from Kenda's Rule asks, is it okay to teach one's baby to high five before he can even talk?

I'd say not only okay, I'd say it's essential.

It's advisable.

I taught my baby to flip John the bird when he was two weeks old.

Yeah.

You taught the bird before you taught the high five before you taught speech.

So yeah, you wanted your kids to be able to send a message early on.

So yeah, get them, train them up early.

Yep.

Well this one we're going to go a bit blue here, John.

This is from Kev Bo the Toe.

Yeah.

What does Rick Santorum think of whilst sexing his wife

and that is that sexy as in the veterinary sense

determining the gender of

I think that is exactly what it is I mean we need to know sure

I mean if if if America I mean America's already made one mistake yes of electing a Kenyan Muslim to be president

it doesn't want to make another mistake of electing a man who's married another man who's then given him multiple children.

I think

that is just how much Rick Santorum is against equal rights for gay people Andy he checks his wife's gender every time he walks in the door just to be sure he doesn't want to be breaking God's completely unwritten law

so I don't know I mean it's hard I don't know I'd imagine he just thinks

thinks of Jesus whilst engaged in the fuckery.

I think he probably thinks of Jesus or Stanley Matthews.

I mean the line between those two is just wafer thin.

Jesus, Stanley Matthews, and tax breaks for the rich.

Oh, yeah.

No wonder they got so many kids.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's it.

John's got to go off and do an interview.

But,

well, I've quite enjoyed that.

We might do that again next time we have a week off.

Thanks for all your questions.

We've not been able to answer more.

But, you know, John's in Shobush.

He's going to talk to a man about a dog.

I'm a busy.

That's right.

And by the time you get back to our apartment, Andy, God, I'm already calling it our apartment.

All of your possessions are going to be inside my dog's stomach.

That's right.

You're going to be flying back light, my friend.

I'm going to be flying back in a collar.

I picture you guys in bunk beds.

It's lovely.

That's it.

Thanks.

Thanks very much for listening, buglers.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.