The Bugle Q&A, vol 1

Speaker 1 I will be in Australia for the next few weeks, hoping that the cricket can provide the distraction for everyone that it has so successfully provided for me since I was six years old.

Speaker 1 If you want to come to my shows, there is a Bugle Live in Melbourne on the 22nd of December, where I'll be joined by Sammy Shar and Lloyd Langford.

Speaker 1 And I'm doing the Zoltgeist, my stand-up show in Melbourne on the 23rd of December. And we've just added a possibly optimistic extra show in Sydney on the 3rd of January.

Speaker 1 The 2nd of January show is sold out, but please, please, please come on the 3rd. My UK tour extension begins at the end of january all details and ticket links at andy'saltsman.co.uk

Speaker 1 this is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com

Speaker 1 the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world

Speaker 1 Hello buglers and welcome to Bugle 187 sub-episode alpha. We're off this week because John's on holiday

Speaker 1 and you know, I've just got shit to do.

Speaker 1 Got to stick up a shelf or something.

Speaker 1 And instead we're doing a Q ⁇ A and you have submitted questions to the Bugle Twitter feed and on Facebook.

Speaker 1 And we are going to attempt to answer as many as possible in the short time available. And it turns out that asking buglers for questions, Andy, is waving a red rag in front of a very eccentric bull.

Speaker 1 I put a thing up on the at Hello Buglers Twitter feed and have received, it seems about 200 questions in two hours. Chris, you've stuck something up on Facebook and have received a similar amount.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I'm really, really thinking about quitting.

Speaker 1 Staring off the edge of a cliff of sanity.

Speaker 1 Well, pull out some questions, Andy. Hang on.
I'm happy to answer any of them. And all of them.

Speaker 1 John, what's your favourite breed of of horse that's from shane porter my favorite breed of horse good question um i guess a grey horse um that's the only breed of horse i know the grey ones so uh which was uh what horse was um was that one that had a movie made about it that uh

Speaker 1 spider-man rode sea biscuit spider-man rod sea biscuit what kind of horse sea biscuit that's my favorite breed of horse the sea biscuit horse yeah that any any horse that has spider-man riding it and making people cry is fine by me Well, there's been some breaking news today that, well, today, as we record, way back in distant history as you listen to this, the Archbishop of Canterbury is stepping down.

Speaker 1 And this question from Greg Jenner, can lapsed Jews be the Archbishop of Canterbury? If so, let's drop the Schmaltz and bring on the Zaltz.

Speaker 1 Well, look, if it's not for your campaign to be Archbishop Andy, it's got to be for your campaign to be something. Drop the schmaltz, bring on the zaltz.

Speaker 1 Well, Andy Zaltzman for IOC Olympic Commissioner.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, also, are all Christians not technically lapsed Jews? I mean, well, Andy, that's

Speaker 1 definitely the Jewish view of the world. You know, St.
Paul, founder of the...

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, was it Peter or Paul who founded the...

Speaker 1 God, you're a terrible Jew. Well, no, that's after the relevant bit, isn't it? That's when it gets into the creative writing stage rather than the God-given truth stage, isn't it?

Speaker 1 That's just someone's

Speaker 1 writing project. Well, I guess, in relation to the question, Andy, I wouldn't bring that up at your job interview for Archbishop of Canterbury.
Anyway, the point.

Speaker 1 Well, that's the creative writing stage. The point is, St.
Peter, Laps Jew. Yeah.
Pope. Pope number one.
Yeah. Pope hashtag one.
Yeah. Lapsed Jew.
Laps Jew.

Speaker 1 So I don't see why I could not be the Archbishop of Canterbury. Well, it's a bold interview technique move, Andy.
But, you know, who knows? It could be success. It might separate you from the pack.

Speaker 1 I'm not sure I could.

Speaker 1 I think the hat might suit me, actually.

Speaker 1 I think that's probably true. You just got to hope it doesn't make you look too much like you're in uh the kukots clan i should i should try one on that might have been a good idea

Speaker 1 unforgivable what what

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 who would win in a fight asks tom ward john or andy

Speaker 1 what kind of fight andy well i know it just says a fight there were actually quite a few on this met on on this uh similar question who would win with a fit fight between you and me well i don't know andy i guess there's only one way to find out and that is to you know put on some uh music strip to the waist waist and uh wrestle in front of a fire like god intended

Speaker 1 it's what us brits do isn't it

Speaker 1 every argument yeah

Speaker 1 uh this uh from uh the oh so curly one writes what's the funniest thing horace or matilda has ever said my children what do you reckon well i'd say probably when my daughter was still less than two years old yeah and she said to me, grow up, daddy.

Speaker 1 I remember that. Come on.

Speaker 1 That was both very funny and a very good point i thought that kid's smart that's a that's a perceptive child going look i need a more mature role model if i'm to grow properly on on that note ian hayden's got um a kind of comedy joke here which which is technically funnier the cock on the bulls

Speaker 1 oh that is a good question i mean that is almost like a you know Buddhist photography.

Speaker 1 It's this former New York mayor Ed Cox we're talking about.

Speaker 1 Or

Speaker 1 current Liberal Democrat Ed Balls. He's labor, John.
He's been out of the.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's only a label, really.

Speaker 1 The cock or the balls, I mean, they're both extremely amusing.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 both benefit the other as well. I guess they're greater than the sum of their parts.

Speaker 1 I'd probably say separate balls.

Speaker 1 Big Chief Gra asks, isn't the internet great? Can we start a bugle political party? You should be co-prime ministers.

Speaker 1 That ain't going to happen. That's not going to happen for good reasons.
Good reasons, Andy. Very, very good economic and political reasons.
Plus, John's just too busy.

Speaker 1 No, the filming schedule working. I can't do it.
I can't do it. Smurfs 2 might be happening.

Speaker 1 Whilst Hallowth asks, if you were to melt down Ed Milliband for scrap, what would you make from the resulting molten liquid? Well, first, I'd remove that if and replace it with a when, Andy.

Speaker 1 What would I guess? I'd build an Ed Miliband series of action figures.

Speaker 1 I'd build 1500 Ed Miliband action figures for children

Speaker 1 to put them to sleep. Different poses, the

Speaker 1 slightly annoying, the

Speaker 1 groundless grandstanding pose. Yeah.
Then

Speaker 1 I'd give it away with McDonald's hippie meals. Yeah.
And the slogan, this man is too young to be a political leader.

Speaker 1 Can't get a proper job.

Speaker 1 Mr. Nick Innet.
This is the thing with Twitter names, they sound all like stupid horse names.

Speaker 1 Asks, and this is something you might be able to answer: is Rick Santorum really as mad as a bag of hammers as he seems? How long before Armageddon, if he gets elected to the big job?

Speaker 1 He is, uh, he is mad as a bag of hammers.

Speaker 1 Uh, if he gets that, I won't be around, if he gets to be president of the United States, I I won't be around to see Armageddon Andy because I will have thrown myself into the Grand Canyon

Speaker 1 So you'll have to let me know in the afterlife right. Yeah, will there be will there not be quite a traffic jam trying to get to the Grand Canyon well I also

Speaker 1 I think I'd be in real trouble because we did we did a piece of the first Republican debate where

Speaker 1 I held up we were doing it like it was a horror movie and I held up across into Rick Santor's face in the press room and started chanting Ye do I walk through the valley of of the shadow of death.

Speaker 1 I remember seeing his face and it was the face of a man who was definitely not amused by it.

Speaker 1 I was removed from the press area after that. So I think I'm probably on some kind of list.

Speaker 1 Best case scenario, I get a full tax audit. Worst case scenario, it's the chair, Andy.

Speaker 1 Mid-case scenario, deportation.

Speaker 2 Andy, James Edge wants to know if there'll be a sequel to The Congressman's Penis.

Speaker 1 It's a franchise, Andor. yeah I mean that's not in my hands that's I guess those who end up digging up John Grisham's backyard to find what's been buried underneath.

Speaker 1 You know if there's more manuscripts

Speaker 1 it's like Oxyrhynchus

Speaker 1 anymore so.

Speaker 1 Sean T. Ellis writes William mentioned my friend Alex Terce.
I'm trying to get his name on every podcast I listen to so he thinks I'm stalking him. No, no, absolutely.
We won't do that. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 The name Alex Terce will never be mentioned in a podcast. Fuck you might watch.

Speaker 1 Fuck Fuck you, Terse. Bora Clough asks, what's your favourite cheese?

Speaker 1 Good question. I like cheese.
Now, you're going to go a long way, Andy, to beat a good Parmesan. Yep.
Yep. It ain't just about sprinkling on pasta, Andy.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, that's a multi-purpose cheese, the Parmesan, isn't it? Strong team player. Yeah.
And yet, also, it's a flair player on its own, but it'll do a job for you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And excellence, you know, sliced into a salad. When there's very few salads that can't be improved.
That's what I'm talking about. It's basically.

Speaker 1 Parmesan is the ini ester of cheeses, Andy. It's an unsung hero, and it's technically perfect.
Yeah. But it's, yeah, I mean, it's just floats into spaces that you don't even know exist

Speaker 1 in your diet. What about you, Andy? I mean, you're a man who's eaten almost an entire brie on a day.

Speaker 1 That's right. Well, I don't know.
I like an Epoisse, John. Yeah, what is that? That's a kind of soft, moldy number.
Yeah. Generally, comes in a little wooden round box.
Is that a room clearer?

Speaker 1 That is a room clearer. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that can definitely vacate a premises. It's a funky cheese.
It's the George Clinton cheese, right? That's right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it looks like a really comfortable mattress until you eat it.

Speaker 1 It tastes like a really uncomfortable mattress.

Speaker 2 Elizabeth Tate George has got an ambiguous question here.

Speaker 2 How did Andy find America? And I don't know if that's geographically or in terms of enjoyment.

Speaker 1 Well, that's both ways, Andy. How did you find America?

Speaker 1 Well, I just looked down out of the plane, said, pilot, land me there.

Speaker 1 That'll do.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit, that's Newfoundland. No, a little bit further, please.
A little bit further.

Speaker 1 That's Mexico. Too far.

Speaker 1 And what about how do you find it in general, Andy? That's awesome, mate. Yeah, it's the greatest country in the world.

Speaker 1 Number one.

Speaker 1 Number one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I haven't learned how to say math. Doesn't matter.
Don't need to. Or

Speaker 1 sport. Don't need.

Speaker 1 That's plural. Math.
Singular.

Speaker 1 What is up with you people? You are monsters. You don't need to say words accurately, Andy.
Right. Not when you have the amount of hot dogs that are in this country.

Speaker 1 Amount of hot dogs and nuclear weapons means that you can play fast and loose with language. Sure is.
You want to call me on that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, it's been good.

Speaker 1 I've eaten too much red meat. Yeah.
Well.

Speaker 1 That's in the eye of the beholder. The beholder being a doctor looking at a scan of your stomach.

Speaker 1 This question from Kenda's Rule asks, is it okay to teach one's baby to high five before he can even talk? I would say not only okay, I'd say it's essential. It's advisable.

Speaker 1 I taught my baby to flip John the bird when he was two weeks old. Yeah, you taught the bird before you taught the high five, before you taught speech.

Speaker 1 So yeah, you wanted your kids to be able to send a message early on.

Speaker 1 So yeah, get them, train them up early. Yep.
Well, this, well, we're going to go a bit blue here, John. This This is from Kev Bo the Toe.
Yeah. What does Rick Santorum think of whilst sexing his wife?

Speaker 1 And that is that sexy as in the veterinary sense,

Speaker 1 determining the gender of.

Speaker 1 I think that is exactly what it is. I mean, we need to know, sure.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 if America I mean, America's already made one mistake of electing a Kenyan Muslim to be president, it doesn't want to make another mistake of electing a man who's married another man who's then given him

Speaker 1 multiple children. I think

Speaker 1 that is just how much Rick Santorum is against equal rights for gay people, Andy. He checks his wife's gender every time he walks in the door, just to be sure.

Speaker 1 He doesn't want to be breaking God's completely unwritten law.

Speaker 1 So I don't know. I mean, it's hard.
I don't know. I'd imagine...
He just

Speaker 1 thinks of Jesus whilst engaged in the poor. I think he probably thinks of Jesus or Stanley Matthews.

Speaker 1 I mean the line between those two is just wafer thin. Jesus, Stanley Matthews and tax breaks for the rich.

Speaker 1 Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 No wonder they got so many kids. Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 Well that's it. John's got to go off and do an interview.
But

Speaker 1 well I've quite enjoyed that. We might do that again next time we have a week off.
Thanks for all your questions. Sorry we've not been able to answer more.
But you know John's in Showbush.

Speaker 1 He's got to go talk to a man about a dog.

Speaker 1 That's right. And by the time you get back to our apartment, Andy, God, I mean, we're already calling it our apartment.
All of your possessions are going to be inside my dog's stomach. That's right.

Speaker 1 You're going to be flying back light, my friend. I'm going to be flying back in a collar.

Speaker 2 I pitch you guys in bunk beds. It's lovely.

Speaker 1 That's it. Thanks.
Thanks very much for listening, buglers.

Speaker 1 Goodbye. Bye.