Bad news for stupid buildings, Afghanistan & shoes

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 97 of The Bugle Worlds and the universe's greatest transatlantically recorded weekly topical news bullshit hybrid podcast for the week beginning Monday, the 7th of December 2009.

I am, I'm not telling you who I am, it's my life.

I want to retain some semblance of privacy.

Can't you even allow me that?

And in New York City, it's a self-styled Stroganoff of satire, the Kiss Lorraine of Quippery, the Waldorf of Weisscracks, the Jambale of jokes.

It's John, the human rotavator, Oliver.

Jambo Leo.

Jambo Leo.

Hello, Andy.

Hello.

Hello, buglers.

Sava, Andy.

Sava.

Sava, Bia.

We're Trebon.

Trebon.

I'm tapped out.

How about you?

I could do some stuff about baguettes, does that?

We were away for Thanksgiving, Andy.

I went to Thanksgiving.

I've got to spend some time with some dogs.

I spent time with dogs for.

I know you're a big dog fan.

Big dog fan, yeah.

I'm a big fan of medium to small sized dogs.

Yeah, well, there was one big dog I spent a lot of time with.

Leela, a massive German shepherd.

She was a rescue dog.

And due to the last home that she was in, she only speaks Spanish.

So I need to learn dog Spanish in the near future if Leela and I are going to truly understand each other.

The most magnificent piece of maverick dogging I saw was from

Gansi the fat beagle, who not only spent some time operating the dishwasher so she could go in and clean the plates before

the dishwasher got to do his duty.

That's a good behaviour, that is.

And then clearly there was one point during the night where she thought, well, I'd really need to go to the bathroom.

I've got a really big one brewing.

And I could go outside in the garden where I normally go.

But you know, it's Thanksgiving.

That doesn't seem special.

I mean, yeah, I could go in my little cage here, but that's just what everyone would be expecting.

Tell you what, I will drop the hammer right in front of the television.

Do you know where everyone can enjoy my offering?

Right, okay.

Are you sure that was the dog?

This is not just your cover story, is it?

Andy,

you're like a fecal Colombo.

Well, I last night

did a night for the Jewish Community Centre in London, which was a night called a left-right night.

Puzzletoff.

Puzzletoff, I think.

Shalom.

I'm out.

I'm out there.

It was a political discussion and cabaret night, basically, with

I was on a panel discussion with some fairly ardent Zionists.

who did look at me as if I was the worst Jew they'd ever met.

Which may well have been true and my suggestion that

That in order to maintain numbers maybe Judaism needs to allow people to eat bacon as a marketing tool did not go down tremendously well but but the really great thing about this John is that this meeting took place at the St Aloysius Social Club now as the name of that suggests this is a room underneath a church

and

it was an evening of Jewish political discussion dealing with the intricacies of the Middle East problem and the future of the Jewish community in Britain and it was taking place in a room absolutely festooned from top to toe with Christmas decorations

as if the venue was saying look you people this could have been yours

look at what you could have won you're like people at the end of a game show as the prizes go on a conveyor belt past you that you have not received well that would have been nice because that snowman looks fun

more fun than that big candlestick

So this is Bugle 97 for the week beginning the 7th of December 2009, the anniversary of the assassination in 43 BC of Cicero, the Roman statesman, lawyer, and general Gobbscheit.

So I don't know if it's appropriate on this most somber of occasions to be funny, John.

Poor little Cicero's dead.

Also, this marks 27 years since the introduction of the lethal injection to America.

Now, I believe that

lethal injection was your stage name on the open mic circuit in London, wasn't it?

It was.

Yeah, for a while.

We'll put you to sleep in five minutes.

As always, some sections of the bugle going straight in the bin, including John the Human Rotivator Oliver's home garden machinery advertorial supplements.

Yep.

Including the John Oliver Lawn Folder.

Enables you to have four times more lawn than available garden space.

A must-have Christmas gift for turf fans.

The John Oliver flowerbed catapults.

Fling those unwanted worms, slugs, and burglars into a low orbit with a NASA-approved ballistic trebuchet.

The John Oliver Weed Stupefier, control those troublesome weeds and creepers with this plantable MP3 audio speaker that broadcasts surprising facts at a pitch that only fast-growing but ugly plants can hear.

And also the John Oliver Fish Pond Tidalizer: give your pet fish the ultimate deep-sea experience with this artificial moon capable of generating realistic riptides in a two-meter square garden pond.

Cool now!

You've sold out, mate.

Also, in the bid, this year's Bugle Advent Calendar.

And today's picture, let's open it up and see.

Oh, it's the Virgin Mary on her own at an antenatal class doing some yoga.

Whilst the baby's alleged father, God, desperately tries to think about other stuff whilst everyone else is talking about afterbirth and a pesiotomies.

Anyway, it's his own fault.

He shouldn't have greenlighted the first draft of the woman design.

It was clearly flawed.

Hey, sisters.

Top story this week, the Copenhagen diet to achieve a healthy, bikini-ready Earth in just 40 years.

Andy, the planet Earth is not in great health.

Years of substance abuse, cosmetic surgery, and just generally letting yourself go has left it a hot, shivery mess.

Starting this Monday and for the next two weeks, delegations from 192 countries will travel to Copenhagen in Denmark to to attempt to stage an intervention on each other.

We all have to admit as a species that we have a problem and move forward Andy and no we have to mean it this time not like last time when we said we'd change then the next thing we knew we'd woken up in the middle of a brand new power plant emitting its smoky ass off wondering how we'd got there

The Copenhagen attendees are hoping to establish a new global treaty on climate change to replace the Kyoto Treaty, which will expire in 2012.

And what a treaty the Kyoto Treaty has been for the world, Andy.

Massive treaty.

Oh,

what a treaty.

The emphasis very much on the treat bit.

Yeah,

very much so.

Kyoto was the treaty equivalent of the clown car.

Sure, it looked like it had an impressive number of people in it, but it was always going to fall apart before it went anywhere.

Yeah, I'm going to call it Copenhagen, John, with your newfangled American pronunciations.

Actually, I'm not even sure that is American.

Copenhagen.

Actually, Copenhagen sounds more American than Copenhagen.

Yeah, I think they say Copenhagen here.

So

you.

Well, for me, it's just that place with that mermaid.

Anyway.

That's a very quick, elegant way to dismiss a major European capital, Andy.

The conference's parts attempt to save the human race, but more importantly, a real opportunity for some large-scale political dick swinging.

And it's really going to be like the World Conquer Championships in there.

Only with politicians complaining, you've baked your dick in vinegar.

That is not fair.

Not fair.

It's against the rules.

WHA- OW!

American people don't have the game conquers, Andy.

So that joke is not only going to be inexplicable, it's going to sound quite alarming, too.

Well, let me explain it.

Conkers is one of the greatest games ever invented.

Obviously, it's a traditional British game like all sports.

It was invented by Britain and involves taking a conker or horse chestnut, if that's what you Americans call it over there, and sticking a bit of a leather thong or a bit of string through it.

Again,

thong would be something different again there, Andy.

You're making this sound very weird.

John, I can't believe you even give give a shit mate you've really lost touch with your roots

and then you fling your conkers against someone else's conker until one of them breaks it's basically like marriage and that's the game and some people cheat by baking their conkers or soaking them in vinegar and hence hence the joke yep so I think I've overexplained it now that's

probably slightly lost the immediacy on upon which most comedy is is uh is based.

Does that clear that up?

I think so.

Okay, let's call that a footnote, an audio footnote.

But you'd think that by simply agreeing to not destroy the thing that we live on, you know, you'd think that would be a relatively simple process.

But, you know, if you did think that, deep down, you'd know you were being a naive, lovable buffoon.

There are so many developing intricate side plots to this summit that it's starting to look like a Mexican soap opera.

Nick Griffin, BNP leader and Britain's undisputed king of the c ⁇ ,

I think we all know what that bleep is now, will be representing the European Parliament at the summit.

And you won't be surprised to learn that Nick Griffin's position on global warming is similar to his position on the Holocaust.

Yet to be convinced, is Nick?

In fact, he recently said the anti-Western intellectual cranks of the left suffered a collective breakdown when communism collapsed.

Climate change is their new theology, but the heretics will have a voice in Copenhagen and the truth will out.

Climate change is being used to impose an anti-human utopia as deadly as anything conceived by Stalin or Mao.

Now, although this seems incredibly depressing that he's going there, Andy, let's just stop and think for a second, because having him there might actually turn out to be a great thing for pro-environmentalists.

You do not want that poisonous little

on your side.

Having him agreeing with you about literally anything is enough to make you want to throw yourself out a window.

Hey, I like omelets.

What about you, Nick Griffin?

I like them too.

Then I shall never eat another egg again.

From this day forth, eggs are dead to me.

If I was a global warming skeptic Andy I'd be tempted to switch positions just to get away from the nasty little turd.

But this is perhaps the key problem with democracy though.

You can land in a situation where you're sending a man like Nick Griffin to a summit which will determine the logistical future of the entire world.

And when you consider his presence it's hard to make a strong case against us as a species deserving to be extinct.

The impressive thing is that he and the BNP can still somehow manage to turn the environment into a discussion about immigration.

In fact, he'll only engage in environmental issues when he sees a window to shove an anti-immigration policy through.

The BNP claims, for instance, it would improve Britain's transport infrastructure and reduce carbon dioxide levels by reducing the number of immigrants in Britain using roads, cars, trains and buses.

Wow, you have got to hand it to him.

Even his environmental policies are racist.

The lad is consistent, even if that consistency is being a s ⁇ .

But the big question is, John, and it is increasingly clear that that we are at war with the environment it hates our way of life and we need to take strong action to prove to it that we're not going to let it destroy us so the strong action being taken is the political world acting as normal as we do in the face of threats which basically involves allowing long-term communal well-being to be thoroughly fisted by short-term economic self-interest but the big question John is does anyone really give a shit because I've asked this at a few gigs John recently right I've said are you looking forward to the Copenhagen conference and literally no one has cared I know this is not an entirely scientific sample, but that seems to be the grounds on which this debate is happening these days.

So, when in Rome, do as you like to think the Romans are doing.

There was an online poll

on the Daily Mail website which said that 85% of people think the economy is more important than the environment.

Which is fair enough, because you can't live without money, but oxygen is relatively speaking a modern affectation.

And the nation is apparently increasingly skeptical about how much we humans are actually to blame for climate change.

But then, also as a nation, 20 million of us a week watch televise karaoke.

So, frankly our national opinion is probably 100% wrong.

The other thing that may derail any progress at this major summit has been the recent email kind of a scandal but not really from the University of East Anglia.

Hundreds of messages between scientists were hacked and seemed to suggest that some of the scientists were proposing tweaking some of the statistics.

And you know, tweaking is generally frowned upon in science.

Climate sceptics have claimed that the emails undermined the case for climate change altogether and have started calling these emails climate gate.

Now, the key issue with these emails is that they don't actually really change anything.

They certainly don't look good, especially when it turned out that they had just thrown out the raw data which supported their claims while moving labs a while ago.

And that is definitely something they should not have done, Andy.

If in doubt, just hang on to it.

Find a place for it in your new lab.

Throw out that bobblehead Einstein instead and make some room.

The shadow of this may yet have a very very negative consequence on Copenhagen.

Saudi Arabia's lead climate negotiator has said that they prove that climate change is not caused by humanity.

To which your response really has to be, oh, really?

Saudi Arabia's negotiator said that.

Wow.

I mean, coming from him, that really gives you pause for thought.

This is the same guy who's been hiding an oil-drenched dead seagull under his foot for the last 10 years.

The same one who claimed that the film The Little Mermaid proved that mankind was not responsible for climate change.

And who, anytime someone someone mentions the word wind turbine, throws himself straight out of the window?

That guy!

Well, they'll understand and be delighted.

It kind of suits them.

Although, also, John, you should think they're a desert Saudi Arabia.

You'd have thought that maybe they'd be keen on solar power as well.

But they do have a tradition of not using large parts of the natural resources available to them.

For example, women.

So, to sum up, what can Copenhagen achieve?

Well, it could achieve the guaranteed continuing feasibility of life on Earth and the prolonged survival of of the human species.

What will it achieve?

Well, probably at best a binding agreement to think about what non-binding verbal agreements it might be good to talk about at another conference in a few years' time.

So, fingers crossed.

Afghanistan news now and on Tuesday night President Obama delivered a prime-time speech to the nation regarding his new policy on Afghanistan, which is the same policy as every nation throughout history has had regarding Afghanistan, i.e.

throw more troops at the problem, cross your your fingers and hope for the best.

The only differences in history have come with how many troops that is and how tightly the fingers were crossed.

A couple of weeks ago I said that the game Andy, the Call of Duty Modern Warfare, was the best demonstration of just how far America is dislocated from the wars that it's actively engaged in.

But I was wrong Andy, because some people were upset this week that his address bumped and I kid you not ABC's repeat of Charlie Brown's Christmas.

Oh, I am sorry America.

I'm sure all those West Point cadets about to deploy will be happy to individually send you a written apology for interrupting your cartoon with their new war strategy.

I don't know how they sleep at night.

I have to say, I quite admired Obama for managing to announce the plans for the 30,000 extra troops and eventual withdrawal without using the words, well, someone has left me in a right mess, haven't they?

It's a pretty impressive display of restraint.

I have to say.

His speech has actually received decidedly mixed reviews here.

Many Conservatives complained that it wasn't inspirational enough, that it was far from Churchill or Henry V.

It seems that Obama's critics have U-turned and would like less substance from him and more rhetoric.

Although, to be fair to the President, Churchill wasn't talking seven years into a quagmire, and Henry V wasn't talking at all because the man they're referring to was a character in a Shakespeare play.

Chris Matthews, the MSNBC anchor, said at one point afterwards that the speech had been a disappointment because, and I quote, I didn't see that much excitement amongst the young cadets.

No shit, Matthews.

They're going to f ⁇ ing Afghanistan.

Would you be excited if I said I was going to hit you in the balls with a five-iron?

Because I might.

All right, Mrs.

Woods.

It definitely took some guts for the president to deliver that speech to a room full of people who were going to have to go and attempt to put his plan into action.

During the speech, however, the camera cut away at one point to a cadet who had fallen asleep.

But let's be honest, any one of us would have fallen asleep if you'd been on the go since five in the morning, spending the day running around with a huge pack on your back.

But my favourite cutaway was before the speech began, when the camera caught one cadet reading a book titled, Kill Bin Laden.

I really hope that he is the troop who gets to do just that and that it was because of that book.

If Rumsfeld had just had the the foresight to hand those out earlier we might have avoided this whole sorry sheboggle.

If Churchill had just published one titled Kill Adolf Hitler he might not have needed to make such great speeches.

You just have to hope that if this soldier does get into that position he doesn't find himself saying oh hang on I can't remember that chapter.

Oh what was it?

What's his volume?

Is it pressure points or I can't remember?

He's allergic to mushrooms, that's it.

Okay I'll get my stove out.

It was a downbeat speech but you know that did seem appropriate considering the subject matter was incredibly depressing.

Obama said at one point, the election in Afghanistan produced a government which is consistent with Afghanistan's laws and constitution.

Oh,

could he have issued fainter praise than that, Andy?

Is that linguistically possible?

Karzai technically has the title of president.

Wikipedia states that Afghanistan is a democracy.

I mean, all right, maybe Obama is not quite as good a piece of shit salesman as we'd like him to be.

Maybe, when he sells us the shit, there is some sadness in his eyes.

But I, for one, have no real problem with that.

It is an intractable situation, John.

It's got beyond the point, clearly, where asking the Taliban nicely is probably not going to have much effect.

So Obama's found himself caught not just between a rock and a hard place, but in a pool of sewage that has gathered between that rock and the hard place, and then underneath a pile of smaller rocks that has landslid into the sewage pit.

So it's a rather tricky situation, trying to appeal to both war fans and peace fans.

And who who knows what the world is going to be like in 10,000 years' time, John?

Who knows what the human species will be like?

You know, what kind of lives we'll be living.

Maybe we'll all be flying around with the rocket packs we've been dreaming of for the last 25 years.

Who knows?

Maybe we'll have mutated into genetic super beings all 10 feet tall with gills.

That's possible.

But I think what we can rely on is the fact that Afghanistan will be a fing mess.

But you can help out with our special Bugle Afghanistan Christmas offer.

Buy a loved one, his or her own personal warlord, for just £2,500 or $3,700,

you can purchase the allegiance of a Grade C-level Afghan warlord.

Boost your family's standing in the local community with the backing of an opium-funded guerrilla fighting force.

Allegiance comes on a standard 18-month contract.

Price may rise unannouncedly.

Shoe thrown at Iraq shoethrower news now.

You will surely remember Andy, the Iraqi man who threw a shoe at President Bush, winning the brutality of the Iraqi police and the admiration of a significant percentage of the world's population.

Well, at a press conference in Paris this week, someone threw a shoe at him.

And the first thing I was struck by was the surprise on his face.

How did he not expect this to happen?

He essentially started a fun new game, throwing shoes at people, and he can't complain now that people are joining in.

Are shoes the new knickers?

I think maybe so.

Maybe that's it.

It is a really spectacular thing to happen, though.

The shoethrower got shoed himself.

It's like the JFK assassination all over again, but this time with men's footwear.

He was the Lee Harvey Oswald of shoe chuckers and he just got Jack's shoe beads.

The beautiful part of this story was that as the new shoethrower was being dragged away for throwing a shoe at the old shoethrower, another different man hit him with a shoe.

He got hit with a shoe on the way out.

All we need to do as a species now is find that new guy and throw a shoe at him.

It's a circle of violence.

It's the perfect metaphor for international relations, but with shoes.

But this is also the problem of being pigeonholed as something.

This guy's always going to be the guy who threw the shoe.

Yeah.

And people are going to assume that footwear ballistics are the only language he understands.

And you know, he's caught, he's like a 60s rock star wanting to do new music at a gig, and he's got all his adoring fans just waiting for his old hits.

I'm just waiting for the shoe thrower to bring out his DVD range.

Maybe get fit by throwing shoes.

Develop your aerobic strength and upper body musculature by daily throwing 150 pairs of stilettos at leading political figures.

Feature section now and stupid building news.

Andy, it has been truly devastating news for stupid building fans this week.

It turns out that Dubai is in huge financial trouble.

And now while this has massive and incredibly serious connotations for the global economy, it is even more tragic to the stupid building industry.

In fact, I'm going to go one step further.

There has never been more terrible news for stupid buildings.

Certainly not since the ancient Egyptians were told they couldn't build a second Sphinx with a sombrero.

Yep, the world's economic blip blitz, or mega balls up delete as applicable, claimed another victim when the ostentatiously stupid building-obsessed city of Dubai admitted that it is up financial shit creek.

and it does have a paddle.

Well, that paddle is in the form of a 500-meter-long gold paddle that looks great if you're impressed by stuff like that, but has no practical purpose.

So, it has turned out that Dubai has been quite literally and very metaphorically built on sand.

It's renowned for its construction boom, developments of increasingly needless size and expense.

And I think Dubai, John, is a place that goes to show what you can achieve if you dare to dream and then dare to employ slave labour

whilst also daring to spend way beyond your means.

Exactly.

And that's not nothing.

Well, those are the things that have been holding British architecture back.

Yes.

The British stupid building industry back for over 200 years now.

I totally agree.

It announced this week, Dubai, that its main government-backed development group, Dubai World, needs at least a six-month breather from creditors.

It turns out Dubai World owes nearly $60 billion,

which means that the world's tallest building, the Burge Dubai, may be the last stupid structure to be erected there.

I know.

It just, this breaks my heart, Andy.

Let's remember, when the world called for a stupid construction project, Dubai stepped up and delivered.

And when the world didn't call for one, Dubai stepped up and delivered one anyway.

This is the place that's given us man-made Palm Islands, a 300-foot indoor ski slope in the middle of a desert.

They built that, not because it was easy, but because it was hard.

They built it.

Not because it was needed, but because it wasn't needed.

That's the point.

That was the point.

It's easy to build a building that people need.

It's hard to build an unnecessary one.

But they did it.

They

all fing build a mountain with snow on it.

They also built the world's biggest mall.

So big that there's a fing aquarium you can walk through in it.

For those many moments when you're shopping, but you also want to see a shark swim bust in the desert.

Here's a stat on Dubai.

Twenty-five 25 of all the cranes in the world are involved in building stupid buildings in dubai is that true that's true 25 of the world's cranes good for them i have no problem with this andy the only sad thing is so many stupid projects have now been left unfinished the world project you've probably all heard of was a 300 islands created to resemble a view of the world oh that was necessary work apparently has stopped after the developer ran out of money.

The property prices on the palm-shaped islands are dropping far below what Dubai expected and some reports are coming out that the islands themselves are sinking.

Oh no shit!

I'll tell you why that's happening.

They're not islands you morons!

You just dumped some sand in some water which shouldn't be there.

Now the Burge Dubai that you mentioned is nearly finished.

I think it's due to be open in a few weeks.

In fact, for those not familiar with it, it is a half mile skyscraper.

Over half a mile high.

Now,

some of you might be thinking, hang on, I know spaces at a premium, but a half-mile-high skyscraper is a fing stupid building.

It's so stupid.

Skyscraper, fine, but this is like wearing a tailored suit made of solid gold and then accessorizing it with a three-foot-long solid gold cod piece.

But as you say, the tragedy is that some of these even stupider buildings won't now happen.

The Nakhil Tower is planned to be 1,400 meters tall.

What?

Beating the Burrs Dubai by almost 600 meters.

Why would you do that?

Well, I don't know.

I guess just to see how much damage you could do gobbing your chewing gum off the roof.

Yep, yep.

The Dubai City Tower also planned that was going to be more than two kilometers tall and feature a vertical bullet train that travelled at 125 miles an hour.

A phantom bullet train.

Well, you can't use a regular lift, can you?

Particularly not if you use the lift at Sainsbury's and Crystal Palace, John.

I don't give a...

Did you ever use that lift?

Yeah, I did.

I did.

Yeah, it was the slowest lift in the world.

It takes a good 45 seconds to go up about five metres.

So if this lift were used in the Dubai City Tower at two kilometres tall, it would take five hours to get from the bottom to the top.

It did also feature an emergency helter skelter down the outside that would enable well-waxed escaping residents to reach speeds of 600 miles an hour and experience G-Forces the equivalent of two fighter jets humping.

Nothing could possibly go wrong with a two-kilometre tall building.

Nothing.

Nothing.

John, humanity is clearly genetically programmed to waste a lot of its time, money, and energy building stupid buildings.

In North Korea, apparently work has resumed on the Ryukyeong Hotel, known also as the Hotel of Doom, which is a 1,000-foot-high hotel, construction of which was put on hold in 1992 after they ran out of money and North Korea has apparently sunk around about two percent of its GDP into this building right good idea 750 million dollars yeah

still unclear uh how many visitors are expected when it finally opens the tourist trades in North Korea you know I mean it's not renowned for it is it no and also apparently it is one of the ugliest structures ever built described by one architecture magazine as quotes the worst building in the history of mankind but I guess if you're gonna do something like build a fing super building, you want to build it ugly as well.

Yeah.

Amongst other great architectural follies in Singapore, the Americo-Singapore Bank Wedge Corp built a new headquarters in a 400-metre-high anatomically correct scale model of actor Jeff Daniels.

The accounts department resigned en masse when they found out that their new offices were to be inside Daniels scrotum.

In Los Angeles, the Californian Institute of Dietary Research opened a new lab in 2006, which functioned exactly like the human digestive system.

Workers would walk in through the mouth in the morning, then be slowly transported along special peristaltic travelators through the building before being shut out at 6pm.

However, a technical glitch resulted in the building suffering a severe case of architectural constipation, with the result that the staff were, shall we say, stuck at work for four days.

Other workers found that if they all entered the building together in the morning extremely rapidly, they would be vomited straight back out and get the day off.

And the final follies, the Abu Dhabi ice scraper, a skyscraper made of imported Antarctican ice, fully melted six hours after opening last year after office workers had already complained about the slippery floors and interfering penguins.

Your emails now and what we've had a phenomenal holiday greeting email title Subject of the Season from Amy E.

Carter who has done the most phenomenal bugle card.

Merry Zaltzmus, happy Jonica, she says.

We're going to put it up on the

Times Bugle website and I urge you all to to go and treat it as your holiday card from us as well.

It is something very special.

And she also put on best wishes for 2000 and Tom.

There you go.

There you go.

There you go.

Something for all you Tom fans out there.

I know there's lots of you ladies.

So, yeah, Dugo, thank you so much, Amy E.

Carter.

I'm going to stop short of saying time well spent, but thank you for wasting your time in that particular way.

This one came in from Liz Duranek on the subject of the bugle curse.

Dear John and Andy, what have you unleashed upon this earth?

Now rumours are swirling that Jake Gillenhall and Rhys Witherspoon have broken up.

Oh boy.

You famously met them together accidentally a few bugles ago.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

This is getting out of hand.

This is getting out of hand.

I reckon one more and we're on to something.

I'm already getting a little bit worried about it.

But, you know, I gather that they've said they're denying the split.

We just kind of hope they come through.

Or is saying this not dooming them to failure now they're denying the split but have they denied that they listen to the bugle that's what i want to know that didn't they haven't they haven't said it explicitly anyway get well soon jake and reese and this uh email came in uh from matthew horn who i assume is matthew horn the former new zealand opening batsman must be real grinder he was in the true tradition of new zealand opening batsman he writes hello chaps on the subject the coma man you must have seen the incredible story this week of a man everyone believed was in a coma for 23 years but was completely conscious the whole time Which is an extraordinary story and quite a tragic one.

He's better now.

All's well that ends well, as Shakespeare so wrongly said.

Matthew Horne adds, Incidentally, Andy, have you ever performed a 23-year gig?

Well, you know, but I mean, there have been times when it has felt like that to both me and the audience.

Just ask the people of

York or

Stephen.

Let's not make this an auction, John.

Yeah, okay, you're right.

You're right.

Best regards, Matt Bracketts, Leeds.

Well, I think, yeah, he might have been at one of those gigs.

Yeah, that could be it.

That explains it.

The birdcage in Leeds, that was a personal lowlight for me, which is, I believe, was a Transvestite nightclub, which had a comedy night for a while.

And it's the only time I've ever left a gig by the fire exit to avoid having to walk through the crowd.

So do keep your emails coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And do go online to timesonline.

What is it, Tom?co.uk slash the bugle.

That's right.

But that's a very clever kind of advertising technique.

Slightly get it wrong, so you have to repeat it.

Like a radio advert.

Yeah.

There you go.

Timesonline.co.uk forward slash what is it, Tom?

The bugle.

The bugle.

That's right.

You're not convinced us to get it.

This is going to make the advertisement.

No, it's definitely going to make it, Tom.

Don't argue with Johnny Shobys.

It's going to make it if we don't give you an option.

John, if I give you an Apple laptop, will you do it again?

Done.

TimesOnline.co.uk forward slash the bugle.

Done.

I feel dirty.

Everyone's got a price.

Sport now.

And well, one story has really run through the world of sport this week, and that is the story of the incredible try scored by Harlequin's fly half Nick Evans last Saturday.

It was one of the great individual fly half tries you're ever going to see.

Other than that, you know, that was a moment that uplifted humanity at a difficult time after a difficult couple of thousand years.

So I think we all owe the young New Zealander a vote of great thanks.

It it was a complete display of how to score a try but apart from that I guess it would be the Tiger Woods story which has obviously been huge news around the world people say it's dented his reputation and I guess we have to ask the question now the multiple choice question what will Tiger Woods now be remembered for will it be for a being one of around about 500 million people to have had a minor car prang will it be b being one of around about 750 million people to have a bit of slap and tickle on the side or C will it be for being one of the greatest sportsmen of of all time, redefining human understanding of what a man can do with a small dimply ball on a graphite stick?

Famously, Tiger Woods' late father Earl predicted at the early on in his son's golfing career that he would end up doing more for humanity than Jesus, if I may paraphrase slightly.

Now, as an atheist Jew, I think he's already there, John.

You know, 14 major titles versus some nice little whimsical stories and a bit of mid-grade magic.

That is one nil tiger.

Although Jesus would probably have had a better Ryder Cup record, he was more of a team player.

That's the thing.

And, you know, in terms of golf, the late Mr.

Woods was correct.

Jesus probably had nothing on Tiger.

I guess until Tiger Woods has had wars fought over him and appalling human rights atrocities committed in his name and his face regularly seen in burnt toast,

he's not quite in the same ballpark.

Yeah, you're right.

Another great sporting news, Andy.

This week, I'm not sure if we were this there.

In basketball, the New Jersey Nets have had a record start to the season, going 0 and 18.

Right.

Breaking the previous record shared by the Clippers and the Heat.

They are now proud owners of the worst start in basketball history.

And I got very excited about the Miami Dolphins a few years ago.

That would have been huge if they'd lost every game.

A basketball team to do that would be absolutely incredible.

They could chalk up 100 losses.

The basketball season, however, is 82 games, Andy.

They could chalk up 82 losses, no wins.

And I really believe that, you know, now it's probably time for us to take on an official basketball team.

And until such time as they make the mistake of winning a game the New Jersey Nets are definitely our team

and if they win a game that is over it it's gone

so that's just about it for this week's bugle just time for the bugle forecasts for this week and well the forecast is this

on Thursday the 10th of December episode one of my radio series

oh dear on BBC Radio 4

and

I guess the forecast is will the world establishment be rocked completely to its foundations to the extent that

basically civilization collapses in on itself in a fit of guilt.

Listen, the smart man, he says yes, Andy.

I mean it's gonna be rocked.

It's gonna be rocked and rocked hard.

It's gonna be like it's at a kiss gig whilst listening, listening to White Snake on its headphones.

To be honest, when I heard it, Andy, that is exactly the thoughts going through my mind.

It was that exact visual picture that was obviously intentional.

In which case, congratulations.

So, yeah, it's going to be a.

I just hope the pats leave me alone this week.

Yeah.

They'll leave my voice alone anyway.

That's it, buglers.

Bye-bye until next week.

Thank you, Buglers.

Have a lovely week.

Bye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.