Obama wins first pre-emptive Nobel Peace Prize

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers, and you are all very welcome to Bugle 92.

Unless of course you are a major criminal on the run from justice, in which case get your hands and ears off our podcast and hand yourself in.

I'm waiting.

I'm not carrying on until all major criminals have stopped listening don't just turn it down turn it off good boy better luck at your trial on with the show i'm andy zosman here in london town which is in fact a city and an ocean away albeit a relatively narrow one by oceanic standards in new york city it's the mayor of funnytown himself john oliver hello andy hello buglers big news has just come out and that is that president obama has just won the nobel peace prize yes he has they have made some strange decisions in the past, Andy.

So this is not unprecedented, but this is a weird one.

He's won the Nobel Peace Prize for essentially saying how much he likes peace.

There are going to be some very angry hippies around today.

I've been doing this for 40 years.

Where's my prize?

It does seem like this is a direct dig at George W.

Bush.

Yeah.

They've basically said, hey, this guy's not even been doing it for a year.

And look at him.

He's already got a Nobel Peace Prize.

Hey, George.

But it's quite amazing, John, though, given what's happened in the last decade for an American president to win the Nobel Peace Prize for most of the last decade if you've been told the US president had won a Nobel Peace Prize you'd assume the person you were talking to had mispronounced the word peace

there are reactions coming in as we speak Andy I'll just look at online one White House staff has apparently said it's not April the 1st is it that's

That is not the reaction I imagine the Nobel Committee were looking for.

And apparently the Taliban have condemned the award.

So

i don't think that's so much as who it was given to just the concept of peace is something they're very much against and don't don't believe it should be rewarded i did actually meet a remarkable human being this week on the show andy a guy called william kamquamba who was uh now he's now a 22 year old african guy who at 14 built a windmill to power his family's house 14 years old and he made it out of kind of bicycle parts and just general shit

i read i read about him on the internet.

Yeah.

What were you doing at 14, Andy?

Because I'm guessing that it sure as shit wasn't building windmills.

Well, it wasn't, John, I was building wave turbines

and learning cricket statistics.

But yeah, those two.

Yeah, I'm more of a multitasker than William.

I've got a celebrity story for you, John.

I met the Olympic Decathletes Dean Macy at a recording.

That's good.

A very interesting guy, a very nice guy.

I learned something very interesting about Dean Macy, John.

I learnt that what he really likes is at the end of a smouldering barbecue, he likes to crush open the coals and see the colours within.

Has Dean Macy turned to poetry?

Now that he's not competing with...

I think he just likes crushing barbecue coals.

Just lovely orange colour in both.

Why did that come up naturally in conversation?

Did you say, hey, Dean,

what's the most melancholy image you can conjure up for me?

My parents were here last weekend, Andy.

Did they work?

No.

They have not yet.

yet still time they've never started a war though have they they've never started a war and they're not against peace right so that's got to put them like in the top five they've got to be on the shortlist for that well I've although I have met your parents a few times John and they've never really sat down and said how much they love peace to me no and so I mean that definitely raises big questions They were here last weekend, so my girlfriend and I were putting some things up on the walls to try and make the place look a bit nicer.

And we realised we had two letters from American presidents.

I have one from Bill Clinton thanking me for doing a gig for him, and my girlfriend has one from George W.

Bush, thanking her for her service in the US Army and fighting a war for her country.

Now, the scale of those two expressions of gratitude when placed side by side may seem lopsided, but I will say this: it was a tough gig.

It's a large conference room, people sitting on round tables, that's not easy to unites.

Begs the question: what would you prefer?

A good letter from a bad president or a bad letter from a good one?

So, this is Bugle 92.

92, of course, the age Scottish people have to reach before they instinctively chuckle whenever people ask them what time it is at 1.51pm.

92.

Hee hee.

92 also what Goebbels would have said had he been a TV quiz show host receiving the wrong answer to the question, what is the colloquial name for the world's largest species of armadillo?

Getting a wrong answer and saying, 9!

Tatoo!

92 also, coincidentally the number of times Neville Chamberlain said bollocks within the first 10 minutes of finding out Hitler had swizzed him on on the peace in our time prank.

And also there have now been so many bugles that scientists believe that if you listened to them all back to back you would suffer permanent brain damage.

I'm sure there is more truth in that Andy than you'd be comfortable with.

And this is for the week beginning Monday the 12th of October.

On this day in 1492 John, Christopher Columbus made landfall in the Caribbean and apparently he thought he'd reached South Asia.

Bit racist, Chris.

Bit racist.

And 200 years after that, Governor Phipps dismissed the court of the Salem witch trials and a young court reporter named Arthur Miller tucked away his notepad and muttered to himself, this will make a doozy of an allegory one day.

I've just got to wait for the right political story to pin it on and I don't care if I have to wait 250 years to do it.

And also in 1823, on this day, Charles McIntosh, a scientist, sold the first ever waterproof coat.

Can you guess where he was from?

Tom, what country might invent a waterproof coat?

A very rainy one like Scotland.

Scotland!

Bang on, yes!

Now there must have been plenty of other nations who needed a waterproof coat, but it took Scotland to invent it.

A nation where people might be outside when it starts raining and might also be too drunk to get back inside to stay dry.

That is evolution in action.

As always, a part of the bugle is going straight in the bin, and this week it's a new audio font that the bugle is using called Scrantletta Bold.

This audio font is a low-pitched draw with surprise-sounding vowels and a stutter on the T.

It is, of course, a sans-serif audio font, but probably only worth using in invitations and stuff.

It's not audible enough to be used for standard speech.

now we have a special treat throughout the bugle this week and that is that paul who is he's basically my tom no no tom you're my tom i shouldn't say that you are my tom as well it's like thanks john paul is the american tom i apologize for that tom you're always paul feel bad you've always been my tom that's right paul is paul's the american tom And that's quite a thing to beat.

Paul, it turns out, is very good at playing the trumpet.

And not just very good,

good.

So we're going to be having live bugle stings in between the bugle this week for you to enjoy.

And there's one of them.

What a treat for you.

You can't beat a good bit of trumpet.

Phenomenal.

I'll tell you who thought you could beat a good bit of trumpet.

That was our next-door neighbours when I was a kid, when I used to play the trumpet.

Top story this week, in the words of the late great S-Club 7, there ain't no party conference like a conservative party conference.

Hey!

Hey!

If you want a visual definition of human awkwardness, Andy, all you need to do is get yourself to the Tory Party conference and look at an audience of white, pension-aged English people attempting to whoop.

It would be sad if it wasn't wasn't so pathetic.

This week has been proof, if proof were needed, that British people cannot do razzmataz.

This time last year I just got back from the Democrat and Republican Party conventions and they know how to put on a show, Andy.

Balloons.

An almost sarcastic amount of balloons.

The problem is the British people just cannot carry off this level of sincerity and enthusiasm.

We've become immune to it.

The wind changed sometime in the late 1800s and we've lost the capacity to fully commit to any emotion.

It was a kind of curious conference because the Conservatives are basically the government in waiting.

They will almost certainly bobsled into power with the biggest default landslide victory in Democratic history in May.

And their conference, well, I guess if you had to sum it up you'd say, oh, it was alright.

Adequate.

Really adequate.

Don't really bother ramming home their opinion poll advantage.

Couldn't be asked.

Didn't really need to.

It's basically in the bag.

And also no one really gives a shit.

But still, out with the old, in with a new version of the even older.

All they needed to do in this conference was avoid major gaffes that could have fatally undermined the Tory hand leading up to the election.

And luckily they did that.

No one stood on the platform and called for all women to be killed, or proposed the forced deportation of anyone with legs, or announced plans to replace all of Britain's hospitals with snake farms.

And it's going to take something of that magnitude to have bought it up from here.

Exactly.

David Cameron seems odds on to become the next Prime Minister.

And it's hard to know what he'd have had to do.

He could say something racist, but that's not going to shake off his base.

It would have to have emerged that he was either personally responsible for the global financial meltdown or that he'd killed a prostitute.

Otherwise Britain had better strap in.

His speech as well, David Cameron, was another bad cover version of what happened in America this time last year.

He used the word change 15 times.

There really should be a moratorium on that word now.

We all need to let it lie fallow for a while before it completely loses its meaning.

Also, it would be very interesting to see if it's physically possible for a modern politician to deliver a speech without that word now.

We need to put a fine system in place, similar to a swear box, except this time, every time you mention the word change, you need to smash the box into your face.

William Haig, the Foreign Secretary in Waiting, he said, we are ready for government, ready to bring change to this country.

But this is exactly what Labour was saying last week, so I just don't know how to choose between them, John.

They both seem to want change.

They both say they're ready for government.

What kind of man is the future Prime Minister David Cameron?

Well the short answer is he's a complete asshole.

The longer answer is this and I find the most illuminating way to judge British politicians is to imagine what they'd have been doing if they'd been alive during the British Empire.

I'm fairly sure that David Cameron would have been sitting in a rocking chair somewhere in India wearing a pith helmet and ordering his troops to fire on unarmed civilians and laughing every minute of it.

In fact, I think he even said during a recent interview that he only had two regrets in life.

One, saying the word twat on the radio during an interview recently, and two, not being born 200 years earlier.

What would Gordon Brown be doing in the British Empire?

Well, he'd probably be just like a dower clerk somewhere in London.

You know, he wouldn't have done any harm, I think.

Right, okay.

So you'd vote for him on those grounds?

Oh, absolutely.

No question about it.

Just wouldn't have.

David Cameron would have thrived during that time.

And that is not a pleasant thing to say about someone.

He would have had more tiger skin hats than you've had hot dinners.

Exactly.

He said some quite fascinating things during this speech, John.

There were some, well, firstly, there were some entertaining cutaways to George Osborne, the shadow chancellor, who generally has the look on his face as if someone has smeared a dead fox inside his jacket but not told him.

Might just be the look of someone who is about to inherit an absolute shitstorm of a job.

But it was interesting that he announced various measures that might be unpopular, raising the state pension age, freezing most public sector pay.

Was he risking unpopularity?

No.

The Tories were not risking unpopularity because they are already unpopular.

That's true.

Less than 10% of the voters at the recent European elections got off their blue arses to vote for them.

So they're in a fantastic position, John.

It is hard to imagine a government that will have ever entered office in this country with lower public expectations.

And that means achievable goals, as any half-assed life coach will tell you.

He started off by saying, we all know how bad things are, but I want to talk to them about how good things could be.

And my ears pricked up, John, but he didn't deliver.

I I was expecting rocket packs for all, but no.

All he offered was things being a bit less shit than they are now.

He said also, there's a steep climb ahead, but the view from the summit will be worth it.

And you have to ask yourself, will it...

What if it's just the view of another mountain?

Or of two goats rutting?

Or even of a cable car house?

Now, that will be doubly annoying because not only would he not have a nice view, but you also realise you didn't have to make that climb in the first place.

And it's an unambitious metaphor anyway, because what happens when you reach the summit of a mountain, John?

You look at the view for a bit, you pose for a photo, and then you're toboggan back down.

So he's basically saying, I'm going to temporarily raise Britain out of the dolphin that's in, and then I'm going to plant them straight back there.

Maybe that's being realistic.

I mean, he was trying to avoid any gaffes, as we say, and there was one that did slip through.

He was talking about the Defence Secretary.

And he said, instead of the revolving door, which he was saying that the current government has had for Defence Secretary, we need a politician of the front rank.

So no arguments, I guess.

And then he continued, and in Liam Fox, we have one.

this is where him and the country diverged

this is like saying I'm gonna bring Britain a Wimbledon champion in the next five years and that champion will be Alex Bogdanovich

come on the book

he also said politics is about we not about me

and you have to

what great

has happened to our soundbite writers in this country This nation has gone to the dogs.

There was also some infantile controversy when Tory chairman Eric Pickles, who sounds like a Victorian orphan, little Eric Pickles have a gammy leg, yes he do, a coughing and a spluttering, and with Christmas just around the corner as well.

Eric Pickles imposed a champagne ban for all visitors to the Conservative Conference.

In an interview with Evening Standard, he said it was their duty to look humble and should avoid offending voters with shows of extravagance.

Basically, he said, I want to see less champagne bubbles and more bubbling activity before leaving a long, excruciating pause, punctuated only by the microphone slightly feeding back, someone coughing at the back of the room, and the tumbleweed blowing elegantly across the podium.

Do you know, John, if he clicked his fingers and pointed his pointed at the audience whilst winking after that line.

He may have done.

See, I wouldn't mind that comment as much if it wasn't something that he clearly planned, judged to be good, and looked forward to saying out loud.

And also, banning champagne does not make them appear more normal.

It just implies that they normally drink so much champagne that nothing short of an outright ban will suffice.

Nutters update now.

And Silvio Berlusconi has lost his legal immunity.

Now I know what you're thinking straight away.

Well, why isn't he already in prison?

Excellent question.

And to be honest, it's one that I too am pondering.

Italy's Constitutional Court overturned the law which granted him immunity from prosecution while in office and the move opens up the possibility that Berlusconi could stand trial in at least three court cases including one in which he's accused of corruption.

Now he had argued that immunity gave him the potential to govern without being distracted by the judiciary by trying to get him to pay for those crimes that he committed.

I can imagine that would be a distraction but it does set a very dangerous precedent because if you're an Italian citizen you commit a major crime, your lawyer's best advice might end up being you should run for office.

That's your best bet mate.

Get elected to something.

As of earlier this year Berlusconi had been involved in, and wait for it, two and a half thousand hearings, had received 587 visits from the police and had spent £155 million in legal fees during his political career.

That is not the CV of an international leader, Andy.

That's the CV of Michael Corleone.

He admitted that he's no saint, and also he's never had sex with a prostitute.

Hold on, will someone please tell Silvio that not having sex with a prostitute is not the qualifying factor for sainthood?

Listen, it's basically this: if you've never had sex with a prostitute, you're in.

It's the only thing we as a church are unmovable on.

Oh, that's good enough for Jesus.

Was it?

Well, guests will never know.

And also in Ahmadinejad news, it's a simple question of due or false.

There was a magnificent breaking story earlier this week, which has tragically turned out to probably not be true.

That is absolutely no reason not to repeat it here.

It's too good.

During the Iranian attempt at an election a while ago, qualified lunatic Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was photographed holding up his ID at a polling station.

And a digital photo revealed that his family surname was in fact originally not Ahmadinejad, but Saboja, which evidently is possibly a Jewish name.

And that this meant that Ahmedinejad was Jewish, which does seem to make a lot more sense of the man.

Of course he is.

That explains everything.

And also, it redefines a bad Jew.

That really takes the concept of reformed Judaism to a whole nother level.

Not only will I eat bacon and drive on Saturdays, but I also think the Holocaust may be a complete fabrication.

Muzzle taught.

Other reports have said that it really depends on the interpretation of the word Saborja, which in fact is a name deriving from thread painter Sabor in Farsi and was a Shia name.

So nearly so great, Andy.

That was my favourite nearly a story for a long time.

I think I'm just going to pretend it's true.

Well, I think we should, John.

You know, I think we have that license on the bugle.

Well, if anyone can prove definitively that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not Jewish, then they're welcome to come on the show and tell us why.

He's definitely Jewish, John.

Definitely Jewish.

What?

It's your Judah going off.

Yeah, it's buzzing like a pot of gefilter fish in a microwave.

War news now, and Earth is at war with the moon and has been since this morning.

NASA has blown the moon up.

It's not going to be there tonight.

Wouldn't you believe it?

What are they doing?

You say what are they doing, Andy, but maybe I've been living in America too long.

But my only thought is, of course, we've bombed the moon.

Good.

And the only credible thing here is, how has it taken us this long?

We're going to find out what that moon is made of in every sense of the word.

Think of it as an encouragement to an underperforming planet.

It's like using the whip in horse racing.

This moon has been doing jack shit for decades.

This is how wars always start, John.

You know, just a flimsy excuse.

We want to know if there's ice on the moon.

It's always about commodities, isn't it?

It's oil on the earth, it's water on the moon, and all of a sudden, bang, you fire a missile and you're stuck in an intractable conflict far from home that you have no realistic hope of properly winning.

It's just history repeating on itself.

It could really pull the whole Earth's population together, though, Andy, like taking up war against the moon.

Yeah, but one thing that we could probably all agree on, that the moon's got it coming.

Maybe this is the way to create peace on Earth, by the way.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, it could work.

Everyone wants a little shot at the moon.

Yeah.

Hanging up there all aloof.

Yeah.

Sneering at us.

The Aryan super planet that it is.

Giving us night time.

So they want to find out if there's water on the moon.

And I guess it would be kind of interesting to find out whether or not there's water.

But at the same time, my overwhelming thought is: who gives a shit?

You know, unless there are animals, aliens, or the real Buzz Aldrin on the moon, I'm not interested.

Science, John, a waste of money.

It's not as good as sport.

Bugle competition time now, and what a prize this is, John.

The prize is a two for one voucher for.

Hold on, let me guess, Andy.

Let me guess.

is it brother beyond's reunion at all it's not that is it sister sledge no at uh the uh roman coliseum no sold out it's is it you yeah doing a gig somewhere it is me doing a gig yeah yeah i'm uh doing a gig at the canal cafe theatre in made of vale london uh on next tuesday and the tuesday off that's the 13th and 20th of october to try out uh material for a radio show i'm doing and frankly i need some bums on seats so here's a special offer for you bugle listeners you can get two for one tickets to this gig if you come to the Canal Cafe Theatre with a printout of Florence Nightingale's face.

Present it at the ticket desk, and they will give you two-for-one tickets.

What if you turn up dressed as Florence Nightingale?

I'll pay for you to come in.

Oh dear, this is going to backfire.

It's going to be great for the first couple of minutes of the gig.

You do realise you've just challenged every English bugle listener to turn up as Florence Nightingale.

I should point out it is about a 60-seat theatre, so it might be worth booking.

And I hope it's full of 65 Florence Nightingales.

Your emails now, and we had an absolutely outstanding response for potential Gaddafi translations, the nut job translations, all very good.

But my favourite came from Thomas Hale, aged 19 and a half from London.

And is that half?

I think, I don't know, I'm sure he could have done this at 19, but at 19 and a half you get to write a work like this.

He says, What up, Johnny O, Andy, Mo Funky Zoltzmann and T-Bone?

I think that's you, Tom.

I imagine Colonel Gaddafi would benefit for his message of bewildered, senior ramblings to be brought to the hateful West through a medium we could all understand, gangster ramp.

So get ready.

Look out, Mofos, cause G.

Daffy in the hisle.

Here to spit it for Rizzle to the you nizzle.

Brain full of crazy and a mouthful of stupid, shooting my rant off in your face like arrows from Cupid.

A brand new lyric for 2009.

Pushing 70, but hey man, I feel fine.

Made man of the Libyan sand since 69.

Now listen close to my rhymes as a waste time across the line making you whine.

And translators collapse into silly syllables like bear traps.

No claps or applause when I pause, just stand quiet.

If there's a messed up claim in your brain, son, I'll totally buy it.

Ratified to add it to my fist-pumping list of theories and queries about assassination.

I'm a conspiracy sensation.

Just ask Kennedy, son, cuz that gun was the CIA.

And look at Lincoln, eh?

Shot dead by Mossad, the boss of Libya said.

Cause that's me.

Daffy to the G, in the easy.

Ladies, squeeze me.

Dicks potent as my rhymes.

Eight strong royal bloodline.

And now I gotta stop.

Gee Daffy dropped some lyrical bombs on the system.

Wrinkles this deep, I got wisdom.

Oh, and your mamas, I kissed them.

Props to all the ladies in the crowd.

Peace out and mad props to my homie Huggy C.

Come join me in my tent for a hookah party.

What what

hasn't been blacked out halfway through that Andy?

What happened?

This email comes in from Christopher White in Leicester on the subject brings me no joy to say this.

Wibbly Levinianism ain't what it used to be.

Oh no.

Prepare yourself for a heartbreaker, buglers.

Dear deuce bags, you write, well if you won't read out my emails, what do you expect?

Well, what I now expect, Christopher White, is that next time you write an email, you address it in a more polite fashion.

My girlfriend, yes, bugle listeners are capable of sustaining relationships.

Informal.

I don't think we ever said that wasn't the case.

We hoped it wasn't the case, but we never said it.

And wish nothing but happiness.

My girlfriend informs me that some 41 lead man Derek Wibley and future brackets really question mark.

Well, I think we can heartily concur with that.

Hotty from history, English mangler Avril Levine are no longer in a concordant state of Wibbly-Levinianism and are, in fact, separating.

Oh boy.

Shocking, I know, but pull yourself together.

The big question now is: will Wibbly-Levinianism be redefined to mean short-term happiness in wedded matrimony, followed by bitterness and resentment, following lengthy and costly Hollywood-style divorce?

Time will tell, but we can be certain that it'll mean whatever we say it means, because we're British inventors of the wonderful English language, whom the rest of the world rightfully fear and speak better than most of our citizens.

See this email as an example.

Cheerio, Tom, let's face it, the only person likely to read this.

F you, Chris.

Wrong again.

I should say, though, John, that we had a number of emails just bringing us this tragic news.

And I think it does show that we have incredible power, that we've basically split up Wibley and Levine.

If it wasn't meant to be,

it wasn't going to work out long term.

Also, let's look at the positives.

The Wibbly surname is available for another girl out there.

Come on.

Plenty of Wibbly.

There's more more wibbly to go around now.

It does seem like by very mentioning it that it brought the marriage to a close.

So I would like to mention, in fact, from Liz Uranek, who pointed out that it's a heavy heart that I must inform you of Zoe Deschanel's marriage.

Oh, no.

She got married to Death Gaffer Cutie front man Ben Gibbard in September.

I just wanted to mention that.

Just wanted to mention that they've got married.

All right.

And I'll just now let nature take its course.

And by next week, hopefully, we should have another announcement.

Because we do it with Berla Sconey as well.

Yeah, I know.

Actually, I'll take that, but I just want Zooie to be happy.

Well, since you mentioned your own girlfriend earlier in this episode as well, I'll just admire her.

Right, a bit on the side.

I just know not a bit on the side, Andy.

Not a bit on the side at all.

I just think she's lovely.

So, Buglers, do email us.

If there's anyone's marriage you'd like to break up, please email us

with names and reasons.

That's true.

We usually do it within about a week.

Maybe an old enemy of yours, you know, an ex whose happiness you resent.

Maybe someone whose spouse you fancy that you want to split up and pick up the pieces.

Let us give it the kiss of death.

So email us.

Will do some quips.

You sit back and watch despair unfold.

And do put in the subject title, The Curse of the Bugle.

Oh, we've had an absolutely fantastic selection of emails this week.

A number of you still giving us links to internet sites with evidence of people drawing cock and balls on stuff, including a football pitch in Wall FC near Western Supermare.

Some of the just pranksters painted a huge cock and balls on the pitch, so it's always good to know.

So we're thinking, you know, why have a football academy when you can just make your players more fertile?

But this email came in from Fernando Colina in Boston, Massachusetts, brackets, the other side of the river Styx.

And he writes, which is an interesting way of describing the Atlantic, dear click and clack.

That's a good double act name.

Thank you so much for the brief podcast you put out a couple of weeks back.

I heard it twice before realising my playlist was set to endlessly loop your programme.

You managed to pack as much humour and buddy-buddy banter into this brief experiment as you usually put in your longer efforts.

What?

Thanks.

Hold on.

Thank you, Fernando.

That is neither a compliment nor a full insult.

Actually, I think it is a full insult.

I think it pretty much is.

It's as close as you're reasonably entitled to expect.

Dear click and clack.

It doesn't even say who's who.

I ought to think more of myself more of

as a clack.

Yeah, I was going to say, I'll take click, you take clack I used to play the trumpet as well too I had a teacher called Mr.

Clack trumpet teacher yeah I was such a bad trumpet player that my own teacher used to turn up 20 minutes late to my lessons

oh no you broke his professional dedications

I bet he was just sitting outside in his car going to swear I could at least give it 10 and I'll definitely not give it half an hour that's the that's the cut off I'm sure he's a very good teacher but he saw me and he he thought, no, this guy ain't got it.

Sport news now and golf is going to be in the Olympics from 2016.

Oh, what?

I've devalued every medal one at that gates.

That is not, it's not a sport.

It's a game.

Well, I think there are a number of questions to be asked.

Why might golf be in the Olympics?

Now, is it possibly because winning the Olympics would be the absolute pinnacle of any golfer's career?

No, of course it wouldn't.

Most of them would just rather earn loads of money being mediocre on the US tour.

Is it because the Olympics simply had to have these prime examples of youthful manhood and womanhood on their roster displaying the athletic potential of the human form?

Let's have a look at Phil Mickelson.

Is it because the ancient sport of golf desperately needs the global attention of the Olympic Games or it will simply die out?

No, golf is always on tele.

It is on tele because old people can watch golf and it makes death seem more exciting.

So that remains the only possibility.

Is it for money?

Bingo!

The only reason I watch it is if golf is a fair reflection of the people who play it, in which case I believe the only people who should be allowed to enter the Olympics golf are businessmen on long lunches.

They should all be playing in full suits, half drunk, avoiding phone calls from their wives.

Golf has no more place in the Olympics than competitive kyrken eating, speed murder, or tennis.

It's a shambles.

Jack Roger, you come on the bugle and explain your thinking.

You are a disgrace.

Jesse Owens would be shitting himself in his grave.

Well, that's it for the bugle.

In fact, the Olympics brings us around to wrapping up last week's forecast, John, when it was whether Obama would get the Olympics for Chicago or whether he would be the worst president in American history.

And well, Wally.

Worst ever.

Worse than Nixon.

But then he's gone and won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Maybe the two were the.

The greatest American president has ever lived.

Better than Lincoln.

Maybe the Nobel Nobel Committee had realised that were there to be an Olympics in Chicago, it would lead to a world war.

And that Obama, by failing to win the Olympics this cargo, has brought world peace.

Yes, that is exactly what's happened.

Well, it makes more sense than what has.

Well, that's it, buglers.

No forecast this week.

Tom's getting stropped because we've overrun.

So that's it.

Bye-bye.

Thanks for all your emails.

Do keep me coming in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts podcasts right now.