United Nations? Not if Gaddafi has anything to do about it

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The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World

Hello buglers and welcome to Bugle number 90, the 90th instalment of the world's greatest audio newspaper for a visual world with me, Andy Zoltzmann, here in London and in the riot-stricken city of Pittsburgh, USA, in a the one remaining phone box still standing after the carnage of the G20 riots.

John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

If you hear something smash and gas fill this room,

then you'll know that my end has come.

I am indeed in Pittsburgh at the G20 Summit and Associated Riots.

and let me tell you, don't listen to what people say about Pittsburgh, Andy.

It is a beautiful city, especially when the sun just peeps through the pepper spray and tear gap and reflects off the pools of blood on the street.

It's like an Edward Hopper painting from the period when he got really depressed.

And it is a nice contrast being out here to last weekend where I was at the 61st Emmy Awards, Andy in Hollywood, California, wondering what the hell I was doing there and unable to come up with a good enough answer.

When surprisingly, out of nowhere, I actually won one.

I won an Emmy, Andy, and I believe that that has now completely devalued every Emmy previously issued.

And in fact, other awards too, Nobel Prizes, have now been rendered meaningless by my astonishing victory.

I'll say this about the Emmys, Andy.

The actual awards, they're very big, surprisingly heavy, and it turns out alarmingly easy to carry onto a play.

Check-in, there was a little girl in front of me who had a little toy plastic baseball bat confiscated because it constituted a potential weapon while I, sachet past her, carrying something which could comfortably bludgeon a pilot to death.

The best moment though was at the end of the evening, about four in the morning, as we re-entered the hotel.

As Rob Riggle, I believe I've mentioned this once before, when he gets very drunk, he tends to put on impromptu karate demonstrations.

He performed a karate demonstration in the lobby of our hotel, and during a spinning kick he fell and he lands hard on his side.

I've never felt marble shake before.

He was very still for a moment then muttered I think I've broken my pelvis then got up and said I'm going to bed.

Those two sentences are never usually close together.

Well it depends how old you are.

And if you're over 90 just brush it off then.

Yeah.

So had he broken his pelvis?

I don't believe so.

But he's the kind of guy that wouldn't really notice.

He's got spares, hasn't he?

He's got three pelvises.

So many congratulations, John, on behalf of all

buglers.

You could take the sarcasm out of your voice.

Well, I had a very exciting occurrence yesterday, John.

I was bedtime for the kids yesterday.

I was

strumming away on my guitar, as I often do at bedtime.

And my little boy, Horace, aged nine months, he started rocking out.

You're supposed to sue.

What are you playing?

You're supposed to play the lullabies.

Not a voodoo child.

Well, it's a bit of Velvet Underground.

What Velvet Underground?

Are you playing heroin, too?

No, not quite.

No, not at bedtime, John.

That's a getting up in the morning.

That's the ultimate bedtime, Heroin.

I believe it was what goes on.

Right.

And he rocked out.

Yeah, he rocked out.

I loved it.

How much did he rock out?

Did he kind of just throw his milk milk around?

Well, he got kind of head-banging and then started clapping wildly and grinning.

Well, he's your Bez.

Yeah.

Do you're Sean Reider?

So this is Bugle number 90 for the week beginning Monday the 28th of September 2009.

Meaning we're recording on Friday the 25th, which means it is the anniversary of the moment in 1066 when Britain finally defeated the Vikings.

We saw off those Vikings, John.

We still haven't received an apology for the atrocities they committed on these shores.

That was a big win.

Oh, you're listening, Norway.

So, we saw off the Vikings, and of course, two weeks later, lost to the French.

So, that's it.

So, Britain was British for about two weeks in 1066.

We were truly British for a fortnight.

That's what the BNP wants us to get back to that glorious time.

As always, some sections of the bugle going straight in the middle this week.

A society section, including a special guide to hand signals to use at parties to get you out of awkward conversations, including we tell you how to show a friend or a wife or husband that the message you're trying to get across is: I've met this person before, but I can't remember their name.

Also, this person is boring me to tears, please rescue me.

Or I think this person might be an escaped Nazi.

Or finally, the hand signal for this person is claiming we used to be married, please extricate me from the conversation.

Top story this week, and it is summit season.

The UN summit was in New York this week, and as we know, it's a chance for world leaders to come together in public and private sessions to practice high-level diplomacy.

And even more importantly, it's time for fringe world leaders to stand at the podium in the chamber and bring the crazy.

And let me tell you, it was a stellar year for Turbo Whack Jobs.

Was that your nickname at school?

Turbo Whack Job.

It was.

And remember, the bar is set pretty high regarding this.

This was the gig that Castro spoke at for four straight hours.

It was also the gig that made the world stand up and take notice of Hugo Chavez after he claimed that George Bush was the devil who'd made the room smell of sulphur.

And collectively, the whole planet said, who is that guy?

He's fantastic.

And this year, there was another breakout star who, and I do not say this lightly, Andy, left the others behind him in his Libyan dust.

Step forward, Colonel Gaddafi, you crazy bastard.

This was his first speech to the Assembly, despite the fact that he's been in power for 40 years, and he clearly spent all of those 40 years preparing for this moment because his allocated 15-minute speech finally ended 94 minutes later.

600% of his allowable time.

That is outstanding work.

He even went through two translators in that period.

One got exhausted and seemed to suffer a voice breakdown.

So another was quickly brought in.

He talks so much bullshit, Andy, he went through another human being's voice box.

Do you know how hard that is?

That's a trained translator at some point had to say, Okay, you win.

I know this is my job, but I cannot take any more of this shit.

Is that a UN first?

It has to be.

I know Anthony Eden went pretty close when he started uh riffing in Portuguese.

I mean, to be fair to Gaddafi, John, both you and I know what it's like to ramble on aimlessly for ninety self-indulgent minutes.

No question.

No question.

You know I but I think we'd have had the decency to have an interval to let the audience stretch their legs and ring home for reassurance.

It's impossible to pick out all the highlights of his speech, Andy.

He attacked the UN Security Council for being terrorists.

For most speeches that would be the highlights.

But it barely seems worth mentioning when you add that he claimed the Taliban were completely harmless, talked about how jet lagged he was, speculated about who killed John F.

Kennedy and even asserted that swine flu was man-made to be used as a military weapon.

He even, at one point, inexplicably referred to Obama as his son.

That is a story.

That would have been an incredible twist.

That's something even the lunatics who don't think Obama was born in the USA hadn't seen coming.

It would have been phenomenal if Obama had just had to get up and say, okay, here's the thing.

Colonel Gaddafi is my father, and we're working through some stuff at the moment.

Who did he he say was responsible for the Kennedy assassination?

The problem is, you're trying to rationalise the kind of sentences he uses there.

He doesn't really suggest anything, he just meanders on that point.

So he was just talking about, you know, who had killed JFK, and that was around the same time, I believe, that he was saying, yeah, I mean, at 11 in the morning, when I'm supposed to be awake, I'm sleepy.

And

at 4 in the afternoon, I'm wide awake.

I mean, that's something worth thinking about.

No, it isn't.

Do you know where you are?

Looking at him, John, it looked like he's had some plastic surgery.

Yeah, it did.

It did.

Do you have any confirmation of that from stateside, John?

Well, I don't know what you mean, just because I've just been out in California.

He's had a jowl re-twanging, just to

tighten up the old cheeks.

He's had a boob job, of course.

That muscle's obvious.

And he's also now got a tattoo of Marilyn Munro playing crazy golf on his butt.

And if that's not true, Colonel Gaddafi, then sue us.

Or at least come and talk to us.

It was only stopped, his speech, when he was handed a note by a UN delegate inviting him to finish.

And I'm guessing that sounds more polite than it actually was.

I would guess that that was just a piece of paper which read, shut the f up, signed the entire world.

And spare a thought in all this for Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who had to follow him.

That's a tough slot.

That is like Boney M having to go on after Jimi Hendrix.

And this was all just the desserts, so the full menu of mayhem that Gaddafi served up in New York all week.

It began when he tried to erect his Bedouin tent on some land owned by Donald Trump that he could sleep in and use for entertaining purposes.

That's nice, isn't it?

Bring your tent along, invite people over and put it in the least classy millionaire's back garden.

Perfect.

But he's I think his high water point was that apparently a UN spokesman told the Swiss news agency that Libya had submitted a proposal to the General Assembly calling for the complete dissolution of Switzerland last month.

The proposal was never accepted or circulated.

I think it's got to be put to the vote, John.

It's supposed to be a democratic organisation.

Let the leaders of the world decide on Switzerland.

Apparently it's just because his son got arrested there a couple of years ago.

Now he's taking it upon himself that Switzerland should be wiped off the map.

This really put Ahmadinejad to shame, Andy, because he warmed up for his appearance last week in Iran, saying that the Holocaust was a lie based on unprovable and mythical claim.

Boring.

Gaddafi's raised the game now, Andy.

Anyone can denounce Israel and ask that it be wiped off the map.

We've heard that loads of times.

Not many people can call for the erasing of a frankly bemused Switzerland.

I mean, Switzerland's all very well, but would people really miss it?

No.

Is it that outlandish a suggestion?

Definitely not.

His explanation for it was saying, Switzerland's full of French people that should be living in France France and German people that should be living in Germany.

And quite a lot of gold that needs to find its way home as well.

Some very generous words from

Hugo Chavez, who I thought it was a delightful touch, hoping that Obama won't be assassinated.

I thought

it was lovely of him to say that out loud.

Because I mean, we're all thinking it, but you know, it's good that...

So to actually commit to it.

Now, in the in this area of talking around

if you can't think of anything nice to say about someone, just wish that they're not assassinated.

And he also said that the smell of sulphur has left the United Nations.

That's right.

And again, that's lovely.

He said it now smells of hope.

And you have to have hope in your heart.

I thought he was about to break into song.

Well, he nearly did.

He played a kind of imaginary guitar at one point.

Like going doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing.

And then his final message was, let's be a tiny bit better and a tiny bit less selfish.

That's an achievable goal.

I mean, an almost imperceptible amount better.

I mean, he said the UN now smells of hope, but he didn't specifically say what Barack Obama himself smells of.

You've met Obama.

Yeah.

You must have a pretty good idea of what it's General Musk.

Oakie.

He smells like a wet forest.

Right.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'd sort of imagine that he smelled of freshly baked croissants.

You're thinking of Chancellor Merkel.

So there was the big story over here coming from the UN, John, was whether or not Gordon Brown was snubbed by Barack Obama.

Now the answer is probably no, he wasn't.

It was just a kind of busy kind of guy.

But of course the British media put two and two together and came up with Gordon Brown was snubbed by Barack Obama.

Was this a big story in the States?

No it wasn't at all.

It wasn't blanket coverage to be honest Andy was this a snub?

Was it a snub?

Part of the reason it became such a big story is people just like the word snub.

Good word.

Apparently they met in the kitchen at the White House.

Is this true?

Brown and Obama bumped into each other in the kitchen.

Well, I don't know.

The other day, I guess they were both maybe down in their pajamas making a peanut butter sandwich late at night.

I don't know.

It's a shame Armatine-Joe wasn't passing through at the same time.

It could have been a fantastic food fight.

That is a strange thing to happen, isn't it?

Just getting a midnight snack.

Oh, really, Gordon?

You didn't ask, did you?

This is my house you're in.

Tom tells us they didn't meet in the White House.

It was in...

The kitchen in the UN, I think, in New York.

Tom, the bugle, as you know, is an organ of historical veracity.

Not idle gossip.

It's not just made up for it, I think.

All right, fair enough.

So I think we need to leave this correction in.

So the kitchen at the UN.

I don't see anything wrong with discussing major world issues whilst you're cooking a beef stroganoff.

Yeah, Bill, it wasn't the location of the kitchen that you were excited about, was it, Andy?

It was the fact it was a kitchen.

The world leaders that cook together stay together.

I don't know what the best thing to cook as a group of world leaders together would be.

You don't want a kind of meal that someone might over-season, or you know, Chavez might put too much chili in,

or Ahmed Dinijad might overheat.

You want something similar, maybe just like a pita base that they can sprinkle stuff on top of.

Maybe some kind of bolognese.

That's fairly.

That's nice, and then you can mass cater with that.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

You probably want to cook it before the summit started, though, because then give the flavours a bit of time to play.

That's no good.

No, you're missing the point.

Yeah, but then you heat it up and cook the pasta and you discuss it while the pasta's cooking.

That's when you get your environmental deal signed.

Yeah, you're grating your palmies and thinking, right, how many nukes do you actually need?

Say when, when

the UN Council passed a resolution envisaging a world without nuclear weapons, which isn't quite the same as making it happen, but it's good that you know you've got to envisage it, you've got to visualise it first.

It's like before you play sport, you've got to go through your visualisation exercises.

Before you can, you know, before you can go out there on the pitch and let your boots do the talking, you've got to visualise it.

And that's the same with nuclear disarmament.

In fact, as we speak now and Obama is following up on the news that Ahmadinejad has admitted that they have the second hidden uranium enrichment plant.

I do feel that this kind of conveniently comes out of nowhere for a man who is now starving at attention after Gaddafi's magnificent performance.

Because that's the equivalent of him running away saying, chase me, chase me.

Why isn't anyone chasing me?

And apparently, Ahmadinejad has also claimed that Iran just wants the nuclear reactor for medical purposes.

Oh, come on.

That's what potheads say, not international leaders.

I don't know, it can cure all manner of diseases.

Well, I mean, if you've got a cold,

then one way of curing it is to be vaporised in a nuclear strike.

True.

I suppose if you've got the hiccup and you need to be surprised, you can just detonate a nuclear warhead next to you.

But it's quite good news, I guess, this progress towards disarmament, or at least a kind of slowdown in proliferation.

It's exciting news for anyone who likes the idea of the world not being destroyed and a a radioactive mega-war.

I'm quite a big fan of that, myself.

What of not being incinerated in a global meltdown?

Well, it just really ruins sport.

It does.

It would make mozzarella, good mozzarella, much harder to come by, I guess.

But not impossible, Andy.

There's always a way.

In a nuclear winter, you just have to look a bit harder.

But I think it's understandable if some nations are sceptical, because this resolution came from America, who, of course, traditionally the world's top nuclear dog.

And you can sort of understand some nations reacting as if Tiger Woods had just told them to play less golf.

So then they all moved on to the G20 in the gleaming city of Pittsburgh, as John described.

We've already been through on the bugle what the G20 isn't.

We can now add to that list.

It is not the amount of acceleration the average right-thinking person experiences when running away from a conversation with Dick Cheney.

That would be 20G, technically anyway.

It's equivalent to two roller coasters crashing at the same time.

Uh it's not part of a new list of uh values for Scrabble letters to make the game higher scoring and therefore more exciting.

Nor is it what you have left when you take a horse with perfect vision and slice it in half lengthways.

That too far?

So the G G with twenty twenty.

No?

I think we've probably mind this this little scene as far as it's well you say that Annie, but I thought that before you embarked on that meandering sentence.

So how important is this G twenty Summit, John?

Well I'll tell you how important it is.

This morning, on the Reuters website, it was the fourth most popular news story.

Lagging behind the world-shattering news that actor Randy Quaid has been arrested over allegations of an unpaid hotel bill.

Oh, Randy, could you not have waited until after the G20?

You know the kind of news cycle that you can perpetrate.

Let them resolve all the major economic and geopolitical issues and then get into a quarrel with your hotel.

I guess that's a problem with the world, John.

No matter how important a meeting is, Randy Quay getting arrested for not paying his hotel bill is always going to be more interesting to the average.

I've always felt that, Andy.

Whenever anything truly great happens to the world, you know, maybe a major treaty's signed or there's a huge medical breakthrough, you just think, ah, it's all very good, but I'm sure Randy Quay is going to find some way of finging it up.

I was actually at the illegal protest yesterday, the G20, Andy.

Later on today, I'm going to the official protest.

And there was a strange moment as the tear gas canisters and pepper spray was flying through the the air when a protester with his face covered by a bandana, who had just been tear gasped, was running down the road, throwing something towards the right police.

And as he ran past me, stopped, pulled his mask down and said, holy shit, daily show, how's it going?

It's awkward when you're confronted with your audience.

And

I didn't get the worst of the tear gas.

So for me, it was just like getting shampoo in your eyes.

Not too bad.

Well, did you get tear gas on your hair as well?

Because that presumably would have been good then if it's a shampoo stuff.

Right, yeah.

And that's where the science starts.

I guess, yeah.

I have woken up, Andy.

I've got a lot more volume to my hair.

It feels so glossy.

I keep shaking my head from side to side and then choking as the tear gas chemicals keep coming out of it.

So whose side were you on in the riots, John?

I was on the side of the media, Andy, of the truth.

I was talking to a photographer who seemed very disappointed about the lack of violence on the streets.

He even went as far as to say, say, I flew up from Florida for this.

I'm sure they're all very sorry that they're not being hit with sticks.

Well, your apology is no good to me, is it?

I'm wishing the kids baseball going for this.

At least if one of them gets trampled by a horse.

You've got to try and set something up.

You know, like that Spanish Civil War photograph.

Most of the protesters at the illegal one, Andy, didn't seem overly clear about what they were protesting.

There was everything from environmental protesters to anti-war protesters to anarchists to one woman I spoke to who was carrying a sign saying, I'm angry about everything.

And you really do have to refine that message, or at least try to.

It is quite an important summit.

The planet's slowly emerging from the economic blunderstorm it's been enduring recently.

The financial world staggering out into the golden light of a new monetary dawn, seeing the shoots of recovery glistening in the sunshine, taking a big hearty shit on those shoots of recovery, saying, that should help them grow right where was it we were we were up to oh yeah irresponsible short-termism let's get back on the horse giddy up shergar giddy up i don't care how dead you are it does seem that the world uh leaders might have managed to bring the global economy skidding to a halt just before it plummeted off a cliff through their rescue packages of the last year when people are still reasonably asking what the f are you doing driving the world economy so recklessly in an area renowned for its cliffs but well i guess the time has come now to shut up it's fine it turns out that throwing money at the problem was the answer, which is a worry for the future that any major problem will probably now be solved by having five trillion dollars thrown at it.

Now, bankers' bonus pay has been addressed at the G20 Summit due to it being the most popular and the easiest thing to do.

And Chancellor of the Exchequer Alastair Darling, I'll just reassert for Bueller's yes, that is his real name, he warned bankers that, and I quote, the party was over and that they must realise the world has changed.

I'm not confident about that, though, Andy, because we've told them that the party was over before and they've usually just turned the lights off and pretended it was over until we left and then very much started the party again or they've just found somewhere else to go and party.

I just get the feeling that the party has not stopped, it's just paused.

Even if this party is over, the chances are they'll soon be able to have another party.

Maybe not quite the Kiligula's birthday bash they've been enjoying for the last 20 years, but I reckon they'll still have some pretty decent cake and some very expensive party hats.

And also, what happens when parties finish?

Well, you get a goodie bag to take home as a memento, and that's exactly what's happened with the bankers.

You know, oh, what's in it?

Slice of cake, bubble-blowing kit, some sweets, a massive payoff and a gigantic pension.

Bingo.

I was kind of hoping for this G20, John, because

it's one of the things Gordon Brown does seem to relish.

So I was kind of hoping he'd turn up in drag just to get a bit more attention.

You know, he might as well, because, I mean, everything does at the moment is being panned by the British media.

Oh, look at Brown wearing a a boring old suit again.

I'll talk in English, change Ledice, Prime Minister.

Yeah that would wrong foot the press if he turns up and said call me Glender.

At the very least maybe not in drag but he should have had at least a discernible pair of fake tits under his suit.

Just to get people talking John.

That's your second fake memory joke of this bugle I think.

I'm thinking about surgery.

These proposals John do seem to be a step in the right direction albeit having run a marathon in the wrong direction for

looking around thinking, hey, I must be winning by miles.

Can't see anyone else.

And now a United Nations fact box.

The UN has been criticised for failing to stop genocides and wars in various countries around the world.

However, in the whole of his existence, there's never been a war or a genocide in Luxembourg, so let's give credit where it's due.

When Kofi Annan became Secretary General of the UN, he accidentally signed the organisation up with a dating agency.

In the UN's profile, it described itself as outgoing, caring, and sassy, looking for a similar attractive intergovernmental organisation for no strings frolics.

Likes, peace, saving starving children, making resolutions and tenpin bowling.

Dislikes, awkward socio-political situations, weapons inspecting, and Kayleys.

Ewan McGregor, the famous Scottish actor and/or actress, was named after the UN.

His parents were really into international political cooperation.

He has a sister named International Atomic Energy Agency with an eye on the end of agency to make it look more feminine when it's written down.

And they had a dog called the International Hydrographic Organisation, or International Hydrographic Org for short.

And the UN currently boasts 192 members, whereas an online fan club of the band Sum41 on the website FanPop has 959 members.

So who's really pulling the strings?

However, the UN is a more exclusive club.

If you want to join, you have to become a recognised international nation.

It's not as simple as signing up on the Sum41 fansite with a picture of yourself and posting a message that Derek Wibley rocks.

And finally, when the UN was formed in the aftermath of World War II, they wanted an anthem to play at the start of Security Council meetings.

So they commissioned Canadian rock band Bachman Turner Overdrive to pen the song, and they came up with UN Seen Nothing Yet.

Bob Dylan, by contrast, has always been a very harsh critic of the United Nations' refusal to take decisive action in international crises.

Most poignantly in his smash hit song, UN Going Nowhere.

I think my biggest surprise in that, Andy, was you reaching for the band Some 41.

How is SOM41 on your radar?

I've no idea.

I'm not sure they're still even a band, are they?

I've no idea.

Hold on, I'm looking them up now.

Do you know any of their songs?

In Too Deep, I know that one.

I saw it on the telephone.

Oh my god, you do know it.

I saw it on the telly once.

Apparently, they've been active since 1996.

Current members are Derek Wibley.

That's a stupid name.

You cannot front a rock band with a name like that.

They've sold over 40 million albums worldwide.

Holy shit.

Can't argue with that.

You can possibly argue with the people who bought them, but you can't argue with the numbers.

Anyway, best of luck to Sum 41.

If you're listening, no quarrel with you.

Official band of the bugle.

And if you have any Sum 41 requests, do email us thebugle at timesonline.co.uk

and put it in the subject box.

Derek Wibley.

Bugle feature section now.

Ex-French presidents writing novels suggesting that they humped Princess Diana.

I hope that's got your attention.

It certainly has, Andy.

That is a combination of words which really gets me on the hook.

Valerie Giscard d'Estaing, the former French president now writer, has written a novel in which the main characters appear to bear a close resemblance to him and Princess Diana.

And the two characters have an affair.

The French president in the book has an affair with Princess Patricia of Cardiff.

Right.

I think it's safe to say that if that had been Diana's name, her life would have panned out differently.

For a start, it would have been like Edward VIII all over again with Prince Charles.

You can't marry a divorcee, a Catholic, or someone called Tricia.

That's just the law of the land.

But there were strong parallels between the Patricia character and Princess Diana, strong to the point of almost being identical.

In his previous novel in 1994, Gish Gardestin was criticised for, quotes, a total lack of originality.

And I guess he's rectified that.

I mean, I've certainly never read a novel that infers that Diana had an affair with a French president 30 years older than her.

So, our feature section this week, by way of a sort of revenge attack from British literature on France, is this novel about an affair between Winston Churchill and Marie Antoinette.

Oh boy.

Chapter 1.

Are you sitting uncomfortably bugled?

Churchill woke up, spat the remaining feathers out of his mouth after the previous night's peacock-eating competition against Lord Halifax.

He drew back the curtains.

Ah, yes, thought the big fat cigar smoker, looking at his prime ministerial paunch.

That's what I'm talking about.

Wobbly, wobbly, wobbly.

You can't win a war without a tummy.

Suddenly, there was a knock at his door.

Come in, sweet cheeks, quit Winston, thinking Clement Attlee was about to enter.

But it wasn't Attlee.

No, a whole different kettle of spuds was about to walk into his life.

In walked the late French queen Marie Antoinette.

Hello, Winston, said the decaffitated queen Frenchly.

How you are?

Frenchly.

I think you mean how are you, replied Churchill, a linguistic stickleback if ever there was one.

I'm fine.

War's going okay, can't complain.

Oh, good, said Marie Antoinette.

Churchill poured himself a whiskey, downed it in five, poured another one, mixed it with some goat's milk, popped a glas a cherry in it, took one sip, twitched his face in disgust, and said, Bad choice of lucky drink.

Mind you, Chamberlain used to drink mango lasses, and look where that got him.

He stared at the dead queen for several seconds, chewing the end of yesterday's cigar.

What the f are you doing in my bedroom?

he said gently, stroking the top of Marie Antoinette's neck.

I just thought I'd pop by.

Don't bullshit me, pet, barked the massive Tory.

Okay, I was hoping you might let me be queen in England.

They won't have me in France.

Too right, love.

They chop your head off a hundred and fifty years ago.

I thought you were dead.

No, I was pretty ill for a while.

Then I learned to live with it.

Well, said Churchill, watching his wife machine gunning the herb garden out of the window.

You look pretty good for your age and for your number of guillotinings suffered.

Thank you very much.

Action slipper, Gandy.

It's slippery.

I'm not a film actor like you, John.

Thank you very much, blessed the ex-wood-be cake distributress, manually fluttering the eyelashes on her separated head.

Fan just bought a dinner.

Not now, she said.

It's breakfast time.

No, I meant, you know, maybe when this silly old war is over, we could alle a la pacine.

Is that French restaurant?

No, that's swimming pool.

Oh, well, what's restaurant then?

Restaurant.

Are you kidding me?

No, that's it.

Shit, me, timbers, laughed Churchill.

He looked out the window once more.

Holy shit, that's a fing love waffle launching a massive aerial attack on Britain.

Cripes, I got a water wind, love.

I second a rain check on dinner and put a bandage on your neck.

It's disgusting.

To be continued.

Take that, France.

Your emails now, and thank you to the many of you who have alerted us to the latest chapter in the Hall of Fame madness career of Delante West.

He's going straight to the mad sports hall of fame, Andy.

And Elliott from Columbus, Ohio, writes, Have you seen this?

With a link to Cleveland Cavaliers Guard Delante West charged with carrying handguns.

I especially liked his dad's explanation of why Delante needed to travel around DC on a three-wheeled motorcycle with three guns, one of which was stored in a guitar case across his back.

Seriously, the man cut off a police officer and then offered up the fact that he had a handgun on him.

Well, John, you're our Delante West correspondent.

Listen, Andy, I don't want to take credit for this, but I knew this guy was something very special.

From his mad interviews to his impromptu rap whilst waiting for his delivery of Kentucky Fried Chicken

to this.

He was riding around DC at 10 at night alone on a three-wheeled motorbike, which is already a little bit weird.

And the police pulled him over and he said very culprit apparently, I've got a handgun in my pant leg.

As if he's learnt nothing from Plaxico, Andy.

Platico was supposed to be the bellwether warning for all of us, but no.

He didn't just have that.

He had another gun and he had a shotgun in a guitar case strung over his back.

What's he doing?

Absolutely unbelievable.

He's clearly rebelling against the culture of modern sports stars who tend to be overly concerned with their career and their earning power.

Yeah.

And think, well, why should I tow that line when I could just as easily get sent to prison?

I'll tell you what, I will do everything.

If they need a character witness, he can do more good for humanity outside.

He's never hurt anyone, till I say.

He's just made people's lives more joyful.

And they say, what's he done now?

He did what?

I would want him on my team, even if it wasn't a basketball team I'm surprised he didn't come up with a slightly more elaborate explanation you'd expect that from him really yeah I suppose he slightly let himself down there but I'm sure he'll you know when he when he comes around to tell them the story in court I'm sure he'll charm the judge and the jury by saying something weird the judge is gonna be rubbing his hands saying Delante to the stand please oh this is gonna be unbelievable I had a number of emails as well congratulating you on your quotes well-deserved Emmy win well I think some of that is a fact I did win and every, Andy, but to say it's well-deserved, unless it's sarcastic, it is appropriate.

Well, I mean, it's some consolation after missing out on the Oscar for the Guru.

That's right.

Cheated out of.

It's all politics, Andy.

It's who you know, not what you've done.

Oh, no, sorry, it's the opposite of that.

And this email came in from Ryan Clark,

the Vice President of External Affairs from the Jacksonville Young Democrats.

Good detail.

And Ryan writes to Tom and or designated email screeners.

I'm pretty sure Tom has garnered enough fame to pass this responsibility off to a lowly intern of his choice.

Wow.

I'm afraid it hasn't.

It's coming, Tom.

Strange but true, the Sherwood Country Club are offering their guests the chance to use donkeys to carry their clubs during a round of golf.

I'd take up golf for that.

Yep.

I saw this story and instantly thought that the Indian Army might have been better served investing in these multi-purpose land animals rather than the golf carts that you mentioned in the previous bugle.

Is that not going to be a new golf hazard, though, if your boss is basically buried in donkey shit, do I get a drop for that?

And can someone else drop it, please?

No, you hit through the dump.

That's a wedge.

Well, I've heard of a free drop before.

Come on, play through.

My donkey's taking a was in the bunker.

Gloves on.

So do keep your emails coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Well, that's it for this week's Bugle.

John's got to go, so no sport.

But there will be sport next week, including a story about the Indian cricket coach suggesting that his cricketers have sex to improve their cricket.

So we'll be investigating.

That is something to look forward to.

That's a real cliffhanger.

Does humping improve cricket?

Or vice versa.

So that's it.

Bugle forecast for this week.

Will Gaddafi have had a full boob job by the time of the next UN conference?

Fingers crossed.

Fingers crossed.

I want it to be true, so I'm going to say yes.

Well, happy rioting, John.

Thank you very much.

Stick it to the man.

Stick it to the man.

That's right.

Consider it stuck.

Bye-bye, Buglos.

Bye.

This is a Times Online podcast.

For more podcasts, go to timesonline.co.uk forward slash podcasts.

Hi, Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

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Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.