Afghanistan celebrates election with fireworks!

This is a Times Online podcast.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and the warmest of all possible welcomes to Bugle 87, a positive, inferno of a welcome, in fact, from me, Andy's Oltman, in London.

And I'm delighted to introduce my new partner on the Bugle on a probationary two-week contract in New York City, John Oliver.

Oh, hello, Andy.

Hello.

I'm slightly surprised to hear you so upbeat this morning.

Not only is the cricket on, but it's going badly, isn't it?

Well, it's raining now, John.

Oh, really?

That's what it's meant, because you did sound a lot happier than you did about two and a half minutes ago, before it was raining.

Yesterday, Andy, at work, it was our fantasy football draft.

Right.

And

it was an unbelievable amount of trash talk.

Yeah.

That was what that was.

Every time I picked a player, I was just like, are you alright?

Is everything okay?

Is that a cry for help?

I tend to pick quite old players because I've heard of them.

Oh, I see, right, right.

You don't just go for the convicted dogfight ring runners.

No, and no one picked him, which is a shame because I actually printed off some dog poster protests to go and...

Whoever picked it, we were going to have an impromptu protest around their desk.

All I'm saying is this year, if you see any touchdowns while Michael Turner or Chad Ocho Cinco, then there's going to be a little fairy being born in my stomach.

Chad Ocho Cinco, his real name is Johnson, Chad Johnson, but he called himself Ocho Cinco because he refers to himself as the black Mexican and wanted the number 85 in Spanish.

But of course, that's not the number 85.

It's the number 85.

The man is an idiot.

But as long as he catches touchdowns on, he's got no problem with him.

No one assumes that he's a bugle listener.

So,

you know, I mean, this is bad mad management on your part this early in the season.

Just get to start tracking your own players.

Well, prove me wrong, Chad.

So it is Bugle 87th a week beginning Monday the 24th of August, which means it is now 200 years since Napoleon invented the bench press, 100 years since Teddy Roosevelt invented the chicken impression, and 50 years since Elvis Presley first danced the macarena.

And 21 years since Jesus' second coming on a balmy sunny afternoon in 1988 on the beach at Brighton in southern England.

But sadly, we live in a cynical age, John, and no one took him seriously at the seaside.

Then he got hit by a taxi, and no one wants a Messiah with a limp.

Currently lives in sheltered accommodation in South London, where everyone thinks he is a class one loony.

As always, some sections of the bugle going in the bin.

Well, I say as always, I think we've forgotten to do it for the last two or three weeks.

But this week a book section in the bin, including reviews of the latest fact-based novels that are all the rage these days.

We review Dead Man Ruling, a novel about the romance between the late Soviet ruler Leonid Ibrezhnyev and his secretary during the last five years of his time as head of the USSR when he was, of course, dead.

Also, very hot new title hitting the shelves this week: The Man Who Found a Drill in His Shed and Then Made a Hole in His Shed.

Bit slow-moving for me, but very realistic.

And also, The Day My Elbow Hurts, a heart-rending tale of one woman's regret at having played too much tennis the previous day.

Also, Deadmorn for the Beach.

A couple of business books being reviewed, including, Is That a Canoe in Your pocket?

Yes, it is, and it only costs £19.99.

Corporate advice from Sir Stiles Pilkington, who made his fortune selling model, portable, collapsible canoes.

And a few parenthood books as well, John.

I know you'll be very interested in these,

maybe at some point in your life.

Thanks very much, Shandy.

I'm glad you're leaving that door open for me.

An interview with Field Marshal Fulston Scrap, the author of the best-selling Potty Training at Gunpoint, which is effective but risky.

I mean, should you use a real gun?

If so, should it be loaded?

And how many chances should your child get?

This, of course, follows Scap's previous best-selling titles: Home Interrogation: How to Force an Admission of Guilt from Your Child Without Contravening the Geneva Convention, and Living in Fear: The Intimidatory Path to a Trouble-Free Adolescence for Your Offspring, revised with a supplementary chapter on how to cope with active resentment.

That book section in the bin.

Top story this week, and it's Afghan election time.

And the Afghanistan has been a real work in progress for centuries now.

Britain, Russia, the USA, and now the USA and Britain again have long seen it as a real fixer-upper.

A flip this country opportunity they could try to turn for a profit.

It's very much like a dilapidated old structurally unsound house, which you wouldn't really give a second look, was it not for the fact that it had a gold mine running directly underneath it.

So, how is the latest attempt to slap some wallpaper over the cracks of this money pit going?

Well, about as well as can be expected, that being not very well at all.

We are asking a huge amount of our military over there, and in return this time, we're offering them not only no gratitude, but also no real attention either.

Has there ever been a time we've been more disengaged from fellow countrymen being shot at?

It's almost as if everyone has just accepted that Afghanistan's war is just permanent now.

It's like contracting herpes.

It seems we're going to be able to live a fairly normal life with it, so you pretty much forget you've got it, unless you occasionally have to tell someone.

What I'm saying is, Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.

Well, the elections have passed off slightly better than expected, only with quite a lot of deadly violence, not the orgy of Talibanic destruction that many had feared.

But there have been accusations of voting irregularity and fraud, including the suggestion that the indelible ink used to mark voters' fingers once they voted turned out not to be so much indelible as delible, in that it can be washed off with a household detergent.

The Electoral Commissioner has just said, no, no, it's fine, despite the fact that people have clearly been washing it off with household detergent.

Tom, let's have a look at your fingers.

No sign of it there.

So that kind of proves the point.

You can wash it off.

How many times have you voted?

Twice.

He's voted twice.

Who for?

Do you go for Karzai?

Taliban would cut my tongue off if I told you.

I'm sorry.

But I don't know.

I'm not sure this is such a problem, John, because surely this system rewards people who take initiative, are prepared to rub household detergents into their hands for democracy, and above all, in this age of political apathy, who can actually be bothered to vote more than once.

Because, you know, we in this country, we have trouble even managing that.

I'd say such hidden cheats, like a computer game cheat, this washable ink, should be built into all elections so people actually care, should have proportionately more say than those who just pitch up once every four years and say, now who was it that I used to vote for?

I'll go for them.

Well, if they're willing to put in the time to scrub their fingers clean, obviously they care twice as much as the person who just turned up and then walked away without trying to cheat the system.

You're right, Andy.

You've got to reward active interest.

That's right.

Well, there's been lots of other accusations of other fraud, voting cards being sold, bribery, the whole caboodle that proper old democracies like us have long since grown out of.

I mean, admittedly, it took us a few hundred years to work it out, but hey, what's done is done, John.

Electoral fraud is all part of the the process of a democracy growing up.

I mean, let's take last year's voting for Bugler of the Year, which was the voting was only open to people who had appeared in more than 95% of the bugles in 2008.

And as I recall, John, you got one vote, and I got three.

And I will now hold my hands up and admit that I did wash the ink off my finger.

Oh,

twice.

I just thought you'd done well.

I had faith in democracy.

Yeah, well, now you've shattered that faith.

Yeah, but I gave you one vote and you just couldn't be asked to even vote for yourself.

I'm pretty disenfranchised with the whole process.

They're very excited about the election, though, the Afghanistan is Andy.

They've had big fireworks displays there across the country.

Unfortunately, they didn't have any fireworks, so they've just used bombs instead.

The effect is similar, even if the outcome is not exactly the same.

But yesterday, Afghans went to the polls to elect both the president and members of the provincial council.

There are more than 30 presidential candidates in the race, including the incumbent Hamid Karzai.

Also, I was reading that there are also pro-Taliban candidates, pro-Jihad candidates, former communists, and two women.

That's how far down the priorities list women still are there.

They are mentioned at the end of that impressive list.

Even in a group featuring people openly calling for jihad, women are the fringe candidates.

So how free and fair is this election going to be?

Well, the consensus seems to be that as long as it's fair enough, that'll be fine.

A UN envoy was quoted as saying, these are the most complicated elections I've seen anywhere in the world.

And there's a very good reason for that.

Afghanistan has basically been at war for the last quarter of a century.

That will increase the trickiness of staging something like this.

And on top of that, you've got to look at the available choices.

The head of the Electoral Commission, Azizola Ludin, has accused some candidates of war crimes and others are suffering from mental disorders.

That's some tough campaigning, Andy.

Usually, smear tactics in the West are just restricted to this guy had an affair or this woman's too closely connected to lobby groups.

Not this guy should be executed for war crimes and this guy is clinically insane.

Well, it's already put it all together.

Electoral frauds, low turnouts, although admittedly they do have a better excuse for not turning up the threat of death, whereas here it's just because some people don't like seeing people wearing rosettes.

Well, yeah, exactly.

You know, the election was already delayed for several months due to concerns of violence, fraud and security.

Those concerns have proven to be largely accurate as things have gone crazy even by Afghanistan standards.

The turnout has reportedly been lower than last time, but it is harder to motivate yourself to get out and vote if there's a chance that, one, your vote won't be counted accurately, and two, you might die.

And you're right, before we rush to judge, bear in mind, we in the West struggle to be bothered to vote even if it's raining a bit outside.

We're not so much worried about being blown apart as we are about getting wet.

Also, you know, the potential of, you know, there's a very dangerous thing voting in a British election these days of getting lead poisoning when you read the list of candidates and just end up stabbing the pencil straight into your hand.

But one of the ways ways that they tried to help people vote was that more than 3,000 donkeys were mobilized for the vote, helping deliver and collect ballots in remote areas, like carrier pigeons, democracy donkeys.

There's absolutely no way that wouldn't increase our turnout in the West, Andy.

People would absolutely respond to democracy donkeys.

Can I help you to the polling station today?

No, thank you.

I'm busy.

How about if you get to ride there on this donkey?

Wait right there.

I just need to go and get my camera.

I think partly it was to help transport ballots to remote mountainous areas that these 3,000 democracy donkeys were mobilized.

But I think it's also partly, John, because when you look at it all together, John, with the electoral fraud, the low turnout, the allegations that some of the candidates are war criminals or mentally unstable, it's pretty much just an American election transferred to Afghanistan, isn't it?

You know, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

But with less interest, because another report claimed that supporters of Karzai managed to fill out 80,000 ballots in the eastern Ghazni province the previous night, i.e., before the polls opened.

But yeah, that's just getting a healthy head start on things.

Good organisation, Andy.

Winning elections is like cooking a quality stir-fry.

It's all in the preparation.

Yeah, what happened to the best?

We saw Usain Bolt twitch on his blocks before the 200 meters.

That's right.

Leading to a false start.

It's nothing more than that.

Just trying to get away clean and fast.

But again, before we get carried away with the center of Afghanistan nurturing the fruit of democracy, let's take a look at the state of that fruit.

An Afghan law which legalized rape has been sent back to parliament with a clause letting husbands starve their wives if they refuse to have sex.

The amendment was then signed and put into law on Wednesday by President Karzai.

That's right, friend of the West, President Karzai.

Now you don't have to agree with everything your friends think.

You can be friends with people who differ from you politically, who support a different sports theme to you, maybe even who are allergic to your favourite food stuff.

Who knows?

But it does seem like this kind of thing should be a deal-breaker in a friendship.

Did I ever tell you about how I think husbands should be allowed to starve their wives for sex under law?

No, you didn't tell me that, Barry.

Are you sure I didn't?

I'm pretty sure that I would have remembered that.

Oh, well, should we go out for a pizza or something later?

I'm going to take a rain check on that, Barry.

Something's just come up.

Oh, what's that?

You turned out to be a spectacular douche nozzle, Barry.

I'm not angry with you.

I'm angry with myself for not having noticed that sooner.

Actually, Joe, I'll scratch that.

I am also angry with you.

By the way, John, this is what we've been fighting for: for Afghan people to be free to subjugate their women folk and essentially put their wives in a rape or starve situation.

Yeah.

And I guess, you know, from a Western point of view, consumer choice is what life's all about these days.

It's just, I guess, we're in the West are used to a slightly more broad range of choice than rape or starve.

It seems, yeah, Karzai used a constitutional loophole to enact this law to appease the influential misogynist minority in Afghanistan, minorities, let's hope so.

You know, Karzai, we all thought, thought he was a goodie in the West, but I guess that's democracy.

You know, we in the West voted Karzai in, so we just got to accept his decisions with equanimity, you know, whether those decisions be legalising the starvation of wives or appointing brutal warlocks as his running mates or the widespread cronyism and corruption he has presided over.

Yeah, I think maybe that's why I just didn't feel like voting yesterday.

To your credit, even though you felt that way, you got up and you voted five times.

But Carzai's credentials as a moderate on women's rights are now looking a little flimsy.

It's hard for him to keep banging that particular drum.

Yeah, of course I believe women are equal love.

Are you not in the mood for what?

Ever eating again?

The initial version of the law included some drastic restrictions on sheer women, including a requirement to ask permission to leave the house except on urgent business.

And this, John, a requirement that a wife have sex with her husband at least once every four days.

Now, I don't know about you, but I had no idea these hardline fundamentalists were so damned horny.

The other big news here, John, has been the release of Abdel Bassett al-Megrahi, the only man convicted for the Lockerbie bombing of 1988, a highly controversial move by Scottish ministers to release the terminal Il Megrahi to be returned to oil-rich Libya on compassionate grounds.

Now, when McGraw, who has long protested his innocence, and is supported in this by many campaigners who believe he's a convenient political scapegoat, used to cover up the real truth and was convicted convicted on the most flimsy of all evidence, received an unsettling hero's welcome on his return to valuable trade partner Libya.

It was slightly embarrassing for everyone who'd been involved in having him return to oil-rich Libya.

And I guess McGraw-Hey had to agree to drop his appeal in order to secure his return to notorious human rights violator but owner of Africa's largest oil reserves, Libya.

So I think this all goes to show, John, that politics is a dirty business.

And w what was particularly interesting is that McGrawhey was wearing a cap with a Nike swoosh on it.

And you just have to wonder,

how much did they pay him?

There must have been one hell of a bidding war for that.

I mean, it's just a slightly odd choice for Nike to throw their corporate weight behind McGraw-hee.

Hey, we've got Tiger Woods, the world's greatest golfer, Brazil, the world's most flamboyant football team, traditionally.

Roger Federer, the greatest tennis player in the history of the universe and humanity.

Who can we have next?

Any ideas?

Yeah, how about a terminal convicted terrorist?

No, that is a ludicrous idea.

Hey, from Oil Rich Libya, keep talking.

I can't wait to see his next advert with him, Tiger Woods, Thierry Enwee, and Federer.

And now,

you know what that music means.

You should already have stopped driving or just crashed into a tree in anticipation.

He's back, baby.

US, you know the rest of it.

It's the Americans.

Yeah, how you doing, everybody?

Yeah, nice to be here.

I tried to give you a, I mean,

with a British voice, it's difficult to give you

an introduction that big.

And I think I might have pulled something out of it.

I think you might have pulled your Adam's apple.

I don't think you can do that, but good point.

Look, you could.

You could.

And I'm going to just say this real quick.

Fellas, you know, the phones work two ways here.

You know, I don't know how your tellies work over there, but

ours ring here.

Give me a little dingle-dingle on your telly, and

I'll come in any time.

That actually made even less sense.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

I mean, maybe you're home eating fags or something.

I don't know what you guys do.

You're trying, and I appreciate that, but it's just not enough.

It's great to have you back, American.

A lot of bugers have been asking about your whereabouts.

Alex, who claims to be a secret agent in Washington, D.C.,

asks, where the heck is the American?

Come on.

Three estimates.

Way to blow your cover, Alex.

Oh, yeah.

Unimpressive.

Bad secret agent, Alex.

Bad, bad.

Let me tell you another thing, Alex.

If somebody ever tells you they're in the mob, they're not in the mob.

The mob doesn't tell you.

They let you know different ways.

A vice doesn't only hold wood.

That's all I'll say.

And Denise Luzau from Costa Rica writes, When is the American coming back?

I don't know.

That's just referring to Central America in general.

When are the Americans coming back?

I like that name, too.

Denise Luzao, Costa Rica.

Let her know if I ever get out there.

I'll look her up.

Okay.

But she should definitely send me a photo first so I know if it's worth the trip.

Do not do that, Denise.

Do not do that.

And shame on you as well.

Shame on you for what you just said there.

It's the internet age.

You've got to look at someone before you meet them.

That's not stop it.

This email came from David Tanner in Bristol, who asked, What is the Americans' opinion on healthcare?

You've been taking a lot of pot shots at the way we British people look after ourselves.

Yeah.

You've been doing a lot of that in America, haven't you?

I don't know that the pot shots as much as we're just stating facts.

British people are naturally unhealthy.

I don't think it has as much to do with the healthcare system as it has to do with just straight genetics.

You guys are cut from a different cloth, and I would say your cloth is made out of what I would call maybe like a silk or something, you know, very light

fluffy.

It's made from a steel weave.

Yeah, I would disagree.

I feel like ours is made from maybe, you know, that stuff from Lord of the Rings that like nothing could get through.

That's a good movie.

Yeah, but they never have to.

You know, they're going to do an adaptation.

I heard they're going to make a book out of it, which I think is a good idea.

British people, if anything, have rallied behind the NHS now, having previously hated it.

It's almost as if you insulting Britain

has actually pushed us behind it.

We can insult it, but you can't.

It's not using the N-words.

But Europe's like that.

I mean, everything we do, they have to do the opposite.

First, they're rallying around Obama.

They love this guy.

He's, you know, oh, hey, he's in Germany.

Let's all stand outside and yell stuff and not burn things.

You know, for the first time, we'll put our lighters and our American flags back in our pockets and we'll wave them with respect, which is the only thing you should ever do with a flag.

All of a sudden we elect a guy and then everyone over there switches to conservative government and they're like, oh, now

they got this guy.

We're going to go the other way.

So you guys just weave when we Bob.

You know, Bob, we weave.

It doesn't make any sense.

We yin when we yang.

You yin when we yang.

You know what I'm saying?

And the bottom line is you're all a bunch of yangs, in my opinion.

Because you know your healthcare system's garbage.

You know your doctors.

In a million years, look at me.

Look at me.

If I got hit by a car in England and they said, we have to put him in a lorry or whatever you use over there to get him to the emergency room, I would say, don't.

Take me to the airport and get me back to New York.

But we would treat you.

It wouldn't cost you anything.

No, that would be on the British.

It's no difference how much it costs me if my ribs are where my ass is supposed to be.

That means nothing to me.

That means nothing to me.

I want the best doctors in the world working on my body.

I didn't spend all this time perfecting this temple to have somebody come in and destroy it.

But

I mean, so many Americans are without healthcare.

Five million Americans.

Get a job.

But stop mooching off the system.

Yeah, but that's some of them have jobs but can't afford

it.

It's the American dream.

you work hard you get good things yes you don't work hard that deal with it you know what i mean and the other thing is i okay you don't have a job yeah and or you do have a job and you can't afford insurance okay well then eat some carrots or something stop eating so many freaking Doritos don't take the escalator you fat bastard walk up the steps every now and then maybe you won't have a heart attack you know what I'm saying sort of that's not the American way though well you know what you know what it is it's reality is what it is okay and I've got to tell you something this new guy comes into power this what's his face president Obama president Obama yeah he comes in and look when you're an American you do one thing you salute the flag and you bow to the president that's the rule okay and I like this guy and I'll tell you why I like him because he doesn't know what he's doing and it's proof that you can go to Harvard and have all the connections in the world and the easiest life.

I mean, how easy is this guy's life?

Grew up in Hawaii.

I mean, he's got, you know, he's got, his dad wasn't around.

I mean, it's cake.

It's a cake walk.

Lives the American dream.

Yeah.

Goes to Harvard, the best school ever, the oldest school in history, and the best school.

I have to stop you there.

That is simply not true.

Oh, you're talking about world history?

I'm talking about American history.

Yeah.

You seem to claim that American health care is the best in the world.

Number one.

No.

You know we did a heart transplant?

Yeah.

There's guys out there with monkey hearts.

Think about that.

That's out of a freaking movie.

You're number 37.

You're number 37 in the world.

Who does that ranking?

The World Health Organization.

Yeah.

That's garbage.

I mean, I guarantee you, if the American Health Organization did the ranking system, we'd be like, what?

and who knows more about the world than America?

We got our fingers on all the streams of puppetry around the world.

Andy Andy.

Point out to him the error of his wife.

Who's number one?

How funny and strangely persuasive John

Andy do not phone do not phone who's number one on that list.

Oh hold on.

Let me guess.

I don't know.

Czechoslovakia?

No.

That country doesn't exist anymore.

What, Czechoslovakia?

Yeah, it doesn't exist.

It's the Czech Republic.

Neither do they.

Hold on, let me take a sip of coffee here.

Hold on.

Yeah.

Do you say yeah after every sip of coffee?

When it's delicious American grown coffee, you know, I do.

None of that foreign crap.

Yeah, you could say we're 37.

You could say we're one.

I would say we're one.

People want to say we're 37 because they like to knock us.

The bottom line is this.

Say you come in to a hospital and you have some kind of, I was going to say you have some kind of injury from doing some kind of carpentry, but I'm looking at you.

I doubt that's going to be the case.

Say you're playing badminton and you hurt your hand and you twist your ankle.

I've probably played badminton more than I've carpented.

So say you're going after birdie or whatever and you fucking run into the pole, okay, and you break your nose.

Yeah, okay.

Now look at the noses we've been able to craft in America.

Look at them.

Get a book of American noses that didn't look like that ahead of time.

Look at Sylvester Stallone.

Yeah.

Look at a guy like David Schwimmer.

Yeah.

Look at a beauty like Jennifer Aniston.

She's the most beautiful woman in the world.

She wasn't before we gave her that nice nose.

So who do you want to do your nose?

And then look, go over to Europe and look at those freaking schnazes over there.

They all got bumps, skis, they're like ski slopes over there.

We do have some.

He's right there, Andy.

You've got to get it.

So, in other words, they've got some immaculate noses.

I mean, unbelievable.

Now, do they work well?

No, probably can't smell so good, but they look good.

Sorry, America, we're going to have to throw an American nose into this equation.

I know it's a little too soon.

What about Michael Jackson's nose?

You're talking about Michael Jackson's nose round nine or ten.

Right.

Let's go back to the first round.

First round of touch-ups on that guy.

That was a good night.

Nose Higgins picket a thriller.

Do you know what?

It was a good name.

It was a nice thriller.

That is craftsmanship.

And I guarantee if you lift a nostril, it says USA somewhere, made in the USA.

That is craftsmanship.

Obviously, if you keep painting over the Mona Lisa, at some point, you're going to destroy it.

Regarding healthcare, there's been some very angry town halls at the moment where a lot of Americans are turning up to town hall and shouting at their senators and their congresspeople.

Yeah.

Have you been turning up to shout as well?

Well, I was going to go to one, but, you know, the weather's been good, and I just got this new jet ski, you know, just dying to kind of try it out.

I would shout, and I and not particularly because I disagree with what the congressman is saying, but like I feel like anytime there's a public place where I'm allowed to shout, take advantage of it because usually I get kicked out of places.

You know, like if I'm at a Walmart and I start shouting, they're like, hey, sir, quiet down.

And I'm like, really?

I can't buy the bullets and the gun here.

This is ridiculous.

What were you trying to shout in a Walmart last time you were removed from the premises?

Well, I was just annoyed because it's like I'm going there to get a gun.

And then the guy says something about a waiting list or something.

I was like, come on.

I'm angry now.

I want the gun now.

You know what I mean?

I'm not going to want the gun in two days or whatever it is.

What's the point?

This is an impulse body.

I'm not thinking this through.

It's not an impulse.

It's not a jet ski accessory, the gun.

Yeah, this is not a jet ski accessory.

This is an impulse.

I mean, that's something, a jet ski accessory.

I'm going to think about it.

I'm going to do some research on.

But a gun, I'm like, look,

what do you got in a semi-automatic?

I'm angry.

I need one.

And the guy's going, sir, sir, you see me angry.

I said, yeah, I'm angry.

Give me the goddamn gun.

And he's like, well, you got to fill out this paperwork?

What am I going to a doctor's office over here?

I didn't mean to tie it back in, but it's a little bit ridiculous.

Don't put the ideas in his head of firing a gun whilst riding his jet ski.

I was just going to ask,

what kind of gun would you go for?

You know, I never thought of that.

That is a good idea.

The only thing is I'd have to get a gun that would work in the water.

But I bet an AR-15 could get wet.

Why would the SWAT team use it?

I mean, they get wet, right?

They get wet.

I mean, sometimes they go to a building that sprinklers around, and they're still killing bag ass.

I cannot stress strongly enough that you should not be firing an automatic weapon whilst riding a jet ski.

Let's not say never.

Yeah, John, however, I would imagine there will be certain situations.

How do you think we got out of Don Kirk, John?

That's a good point.

I love that movie, too, by the way.

It wasn't a movie, it's an incredible moment in British history.

No, it's the one with Mel Gibson, isn't it?

No, that's not it.

He's the British guy who saves all the British people from that bad king.

No.

I mean, that's three different movies you're thinking of there.

Yeah, that's Hamlet.

Braveheart and Lethal Weapon that you were obviously watching all at the same time.

I get cable I watch so many movies I get them mixed up.

Let me give you a quick scenario Al-Qaeda comes by water.

All right, they could very easy to get by the coast guard right now.

They're coming in invading with a you know with boats.

What do I have to do to protect my homeland?

I got to get on my jet ski and I got to shoot something.

Are you saying that you are spending your summer riding up and down the Jersey shore on a jet ski firing at any boat that looks like a bad thing?

You guys put the gun idea in my head.

I was just patrolling with a radio and alerting the Coast Guard when I saw what I would call suspicious activity.

If I pass a boat and there's not people drinking on it and dancing to music and going very fast, they're obviously not out for fun.

They're out for something else.

I would call that suspicious activity.

Or they're just using the shipping route for trading.

I don't know if I can say this, but we'll go off the record for a second.

Okay.

Hold on.

I'm just unplugging the mic.

All right, there we go.

Every now and then, I've boarded some of those boats.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, like those big ones, because they can't.

Don't tell me any more about this.

I looked in the shipping containers just because, you know, what if it's a nuke?

That's what I'm always thinking.

Usually it's just toys from Korea.

But obviously, over in England here, the whole nation has been obsessed with what's going on in the Ashes cricket series against Australia.

What, I mean, have you been enjoying it?

Yeah, I mean, I'm just guessing that's kind of a joke.

I mean, no, it's cricket.

It's a genuine, it's a huge sporting event in England.

Cricket.

England playing Australia.

No, no, no, I get it.

And those games last like a couple days or something.

It's five days.

Five.

Wow, that's interesting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You say interesting, but your eyes seem to be glazed.

What are you thinking about right now?

Well, I'm just thinking about how many different sporting events I could go to in five days.

I can go to a hockey tournament.

I can see a few hockey games.

I can see a few baseball games.

I could play a game of football.

I can then watch a game of football.

I can then play basketball, watch basketball, get some autographs, pretend it's for my kid, and then sell it on eBay.

And there's a lot of things I can do in that period of five days that has nothing to do with hitting a freaking widget with a smack hammer, whatever the hell that thing's called.

Who wants to watch that thing for that long?

We like it.

Yeah, all right.

Well, that says a lot.

And by the way, by the way, if you get hurt playing cricket, how long does it take before you get back in the game?

I would guess a long time.

Or do athletes get to cut the waiting list because they're special?

Do they have doctors who sit on the cricket sidelines specifically for the athletes?

That's a good question.

I bet they do.

Which means you prioritize your rich and famous over there, which is why David Beckham looks American and good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That guy's...

Yeah, no, you're right.

He definitely looks amazing.

He does not look for a skinny.

He looks amazing.

The fact that his skin actually has melanin in it seems to me somewhere along the way he had someone had sex with an American.

American.

And it's been a joy to have you back on the show.

It's a pleasure to spend some time with you guys.

Good luck on the jet ski.

Please, please do not take a gun on there.

Will you promise me that?

Of course.

I've never seen that.

Well, not a loaded one, anyway.

No.

No, if it's just for look, that's fine, surely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, yeah.

I mean, the ones mounted on there just shoot water right now.

Your emails now, and in fact, this is the rest of David Tanner's email who had that question about healthcare for the American.

And he writes, I'm an avid fan of the show.

Now, I commented to a friend whilst paying for a pint of beer with a Fiverr that Florence Nightingale was a true hottie from history.

Unfortunately, at this point, the pub went absolutely silent.

Most of the 50 occupants of this bar heard my comment.

An old lady, possibly a former colleague of Nightingale's based on her age, looked at me with disgust, whilst everyone else looked on with a look of pure confusion and a lack of respect that you must be used to by now, Andy.

Well, yeah.

Anyway, unfortunately, this was new to me.

Do you have any advice for a committed listener on what I could do if and when the situation occurs again?

Just be proud.

You know, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

There's nothing wrong.

You're the only sane person.

It's the whole world that's got.

That's right.

The love that dare not speak its name.

Yet has spoken his name pretty regularly over the last two years.

And this one comes from Sarah Jordan, who writes, Tom, we've been just cut out from emails now.

Yeah, we've been forced out gradually from the bugle.

It's just going to be Tom talking to himself.

I will listen to that.

Tom, for the past year or so, my roommate's cat has really enjoyed listening to the podcast with me.

However, we suspect this unfortunate feline may be going deaf as she no longer responds to the sound of the can opener.

She's a pretty sure fire bet.

Would it be possible to publish a visual version of the bugle?

The cat can read, at least.

That's what my roommate tells me when I find vomit on my morning newspaper.

Thanks from Sarah or Sarah.

Sarah, Sarah, it's very easy for us to do a visual bugle.

We've got the facilities, we can set up a studio in New York.

It's just the two people involved with presenting the bugle probably wouldn't be too happy with a visual version.

Yeah, we don't look great this time of the morning.

And I think John's paymasters at Comedy Central might be a little bit annoyed if we start doing anything.

Don't worry, we're about to go to HD in a couple of weeks, at which point I'll last a few weeks before I'm fired.

There is no way I'm not about to be found out by HD cameras.

But also, there is already a visual version of the bugle, which is the Times newspaper.

So do keep your emails coming in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Sport now, and well, the main news in sport this week, not only is he saying bolt f fast, no, he's even f faster.

He's so fast, he has to be cheating, Andy.

Not that he's taking drugs, just that he's so good at running quickly, it puts him at a hugely unfair advantage.

How is anyone else supposed to compete when he can move himself from one point to another point in a far faster time than they can?

That is not competition.

Well, we first revealed that Bolt is unquestionably a fast man in the Bugle Olympics section a year ago.

And Strom said we can now reveal that he's actually even faster than that.

But you have to ask, John, is this actually a useful skill in the modern world?

I mean, yeah, sure, it's great.

He's running faster than a human being has ever run before, faster than people thought it was really possible to run.

And it's obliterated the two sprint world records by over a tenth of a second within the space of a few days in a display of running that has never been equaled in the history of humanity.

But John, he's still not as fast as a fat guy on a bicycle going down a hill.

Never thought about it that way, really.

And now I'm going to find it hard not to think about that whenever I see a sprint competition.

But how many times in life do you need, and I mean, really need, to run 100 metres in 9.58 seconds?

Because some people say, oh, I bet, you know, when they see you saying both, say, I bet he doesn't miss many buses.

But in fact, missing buses is much more to do with advanced planning than actual speed across the ground.

As long as you plan your day properly, you will never have to run 100 metres in 9.58 seconds to catch a bus.

And some people say, well, what about, you know, if you have to carry an organ through a hospital for an emergency transplant?

Well, you know, it just raises the chance of a collision if you're going that fast and dropping the organ or fatally wounding an old person as you crash into them.

And also you need to slow down to deliver the organ.

It's no use whipping past the operating theatre at 30 miles an hour and then trying to lob the organ straight in to

have you finished.

That's an appeal.

Sorry, that was a big appeal against ponting there.

Anyway.

I could feel that sentence tailing off.

I could literally feel your attention drifting.

It's going.

Sorry, Job.

The only time you need to run 100 metres that.

Oh, here we go.

I wouldn't even bother Andy.

So well done, Usain Usainbolt.

Congratulations on redefining what the human body is capable of.

But try doing something with a practical everyday application next time.

In other sport news, regular buglers will know that one of the true heroes of sport, as far as we're concerned, is a wide receiver by the name of Plasco Beres, who, lest we forget, gave the world a gift the night that he carried a loaded gun into a nightclub in his sweatpants and shot himself in the leg.

God, it doesn't get any more fun to say that out loud.

Any less fun.

Perfect.

He pled guilty due to the fact that he was absolutely and obviously guilty.

And he's now been sentenced to two years in jail, probably ending his NFL career.

Now, he won't be remembered for his 505 NFL receptions.

No.

He won't be remembered for his 7,845 receiving yards, 55 of which were touchdowns.

But he will be remembered as that guy who carried a gun into a nightclub in his sweatpants and who shot himself in the leg.

We should all contribute to a statue, Andy, a statue cast in bronze of him posing with a quiet dignity while shooting himself in the leg.

That's it for sport this week.

Next week, we have a special feature section on cheating in sport.

I might remember a few months ago, there was a rugby match, which I believe I said it was basically the forces of good against Hitler's favourite rugby team.

But anyway, the forces of good being Harlequinster team I support, and it turns out that they failed to pull off a massive piece of cheating and have now been hauled across the coals.

But anyway, we'll have more on that next week and some other excellent pieces of sporting cheating.

Forecast this week, Andy, will America get the Plasco Berett statue it so needs and deserves at some point during his prison term, which is two years, probably out in 20 months.

Well, I hope it does, John, and I hope that the artist who does that is Delante West.

Because

if he can mould clay as he moulds words, John, that is going to be the greatest sculpture in the history of art.

That's going to make Michelangelo's David look like a novelty dog turd.

Have a lovely week.

Bye-bye, buglers.

Bye.

This is a Times Online podcast.

For more podcasts, go to timesonline.co.uk forward slash podcasts.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.