Are the Taliban skiing down the Swat Valley?

This is a Times Online podcast.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and yes, it's the one the world has been waiting for.

Bugle 73.

Admittedly, it's only been waiting for it for a week but the point stands with me Andy Solzman here in the breakfast eating city of London and in the not especially windy city of New York it's the self-styled Genghis Khan of comedy John Oliver.

Hello Buglers and hello Andy Andy may remember that last week I was on my way to a fitting for a GQ shoot.

Oh yeah.

Well that shoot happened Andy.

I don't think I've ever felt so physically and emotionally uncomfortable.

It was like experiencing an almost zen state of awkwardness.

At one point this the stylist came over to me and said, what kind of tie knot do you want me to do on the tie?

Something young and fresh or a little more classic?

And all I could say to him was, I literally have no idea what you're talking about.

I don't even know how to begin to respond to that.

And then during the shoot, the photographer came over at one point and said, what are you doing?

And I said, I don't know.

I thought I was smiling.

And she said, no, I don't think that's what's happening.

And she showed me the previous few shots and I do not know what my face was doing.

So as you progress towards becoming a certified style icon, still in the foothills, John?

I think you probably describe it as still being in development.

Obviously, your show was lifestyle carries on a pace.

Well, for me this week, well, my wife and I, we played Bridge against Oscar-nominated actress Anne Harding and former Nobel Prize-winning physicist Hideki Yukawa.

What?

No, you didn't.

No, that's not true.

We were drawn against them in the competition that we set up, but they didn't turn up because sadly, they'd both died in September 1981.

Well, that's going to affect their game, isn't it?

Well, it is.

Well, we're into the quarterfinals.

I suppose you're to buy.

Yeah, well, we've been drawn against Buddy Holly and Princess Alexandra, the ex-Duchess of Fife, the people who died in February 1959.

So it's Bugle 73, John.

This is a historic bugle because it now means we now have had the same number of total episodes as the Catholic version of the Bible.

73 books of the Bible versus 73 podcasts.

Who's produced the greater quantity of bullshit?

You decide.

I should point out though, 73 is only the number of books in the Catholic version of the Bible if and only if the Book of Lamentations is counted as a separate book from the Book of Jeremiah.

But you don't need me to tell you that.

No.

No, you don't need me to, but you want me to.

But it helps.

73, of course.

Also, the number worn by Richard Nixon in his brief career in Major League Netball.

Nixon played goal attack for the Philadelphia Fallopians and the Utah Wombs before his gender was revealed during a particularly acrobatic goal celebration in his debut match for the Nantucket Nantucket Knitting Needles against the San Jose Homewreckers.

Nixon giggled nervously as his trumpet and valve, so to speak, were revealed, denied tricking anyone and ran out of the building shouting, no, you tell me why boys can't play netball.

And a quick update on last week's forecast, the swine flu forecast.

Would we all be dead?

Well, I'm not dead, John.

Well, we're still dead inside, but no, I guess technically I'm still alive.

And Tom, not even slightly dead.

Here, look at the young man bounding around the studio like a Latter-day Jerry Lee Lewis.

Although to be fair to Tom, he did marry someone roughly the same age and who wasn't a close bride relative so I guess the similarity does end there.

So let's assume all of you listening now are also not dead.

Although I have to say that I was worried and every time I hear of someone dying on the news I think to myself, ah, that's another f ⁇ ing potential listener down the drain.

So swine flu has spared us this time.

The age of panic is over to be replaced with the age of complacency.

Much more fun and relaxing and just as ineffective.

Perfect.

As always some sections of the Beagle are going straight in the bin this week.

A modern snacks section including a chocolate biscuit with wireless internet capability so it can send you automated emails updating of its progress through the digestive tract, a vegan black pudding made not with pig's blood but with pure Norwegian tarmac, and an MP3 enabled tomato which plays a soothing medley of easy listening classics whilst you prepare your salad, an excerpt from a randomly selected Rogers and Hammerstein musical when its acidity regulator senses that you have now dressed the salad and then a short blast of Carmena Barana when its electronic sensor picks up that your fork is within 10 centimeters of pronging it.

Also a feature on the new healthy range of health snacks from the health food company Satan's Hacksaw.

Fruit bullets for the busy business person.

Mealtime is wasted time.

So the new fruit bullet made out of 50 apples, oranges, bananas, or kiwi fruit compressed into the size of a standard cartridge can be fired from most standard household firearms and allows the unit to give themselves a healthy and nutritious vitamin-packed snack by simply firing it into their mouths at point-blank range.

This is the new modified fruit bullets rumoured to be up to 25% safer, 30% less fatal and 35% tastier than last year's edition.

Also, wood gum, the same shape,

Sorry, I'm getting bullshit overload already.

Wood gum, the same shape and size as an ordinary stick of chewing gum, but made of solid mahogany to last longer.

Comes in both unvarnished and natural flavours.

Also, reduces the problem of chewing gum defacing off pavements and sidewalks.

Did you know that, sir, John, more than 3,000 women die every year after getting their stilettos stuck in used chewing gum on pavements?

I just wonder how we remote.

I did not know that.

They just get stuck and stranded.

It's like whales on a beach.

Top story this week, in the South Asian corner, weighing in at a population of 166 million, the hotly disputed most unstable region in the world,

Pakistan.

Straight off the bat, Andy.

The fact that Pakistan is even in the running for the award most unstable region is an incredible achievement.

Just to get nominated is a big deal, Andy.

It is, in a very real sense, a group of death.

But nevertheless, Pakistan has managed to take the spotlight away from the pig flu fad, which was all the rage for a week, Andy.

It was the viral equivalent of the yo-yo.

So, how bad is the situation in Pakistan at the moment?

Well, put it this way.

Obama has been staging trilateral talks this week between the US, Afghanistan, and Pakistan.

Pakistan has been completely dominating the discussion.

And America is at war in Afghanistan.

So why is this situation so worrying?

Well, Pakistan's in the process of completing two nuclear reactors to create weapons that will be smaller, lighter and more efficient.

And that seems like a great idea, Andy.

Portable nuclear weapons that fit in your pocket, like micro-machines of mass destruction.

So much more convenient and the kids will love them.

And the Pakistani Foreign Minister, Qureshi, said Pakistan is willing to play an active, constructive role in this because we feel our peace and security is linked to Afghanistan's.

And well, John, if it wasn't about 10 years ago, it certainly is now.

The war on terror does seem to have successively shifted sideways out of the American-British-owned territories of Afghanistan and Iraq and has now become, well, frankly, someone else's problem.

And it will, of course, rebound to become our problem again.

It's a kind of problem tennis that's going on.

In the way that the Taliban are kind of battered across the board from Afghanistan to Pakistan and back again.

Someone's got to just hit the smash, put it out of play.

You might be thinking, you know, building these nuclear reactors, that sounds like a completely consequence-free development.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, the only problem is that the new reactors are being built 160 miles southeast of Islamabad, which doesn't sound that bad until you find out that it's on the border with the northwestern province, which is almost entirely controlled by the Taliban.

It's tantamount to building an enormous carrot factory next to a donkey sanctuary.

Obviously, Andy, this is a hugely complicated situation which requires delicate and precise journalism.

Has it been afforded that luxury?

Has it?

One journalist this week called Pakistan a festering mess.

That is eloquently helpful.

Someone notified the Peabody Committee.

I think we have as a contender.

This festering mess next to this gigantic shithole could turn into a complete cluster f like this place down here, Wachama call it.

I can't claim to know everything about Pakistan.

I do know quite a lot about Pakistan.

Unfortunately, 99.8% of it is about the Pakistan cricket team.

It's not nothing.

It's not nothing.

It's not nothing.

It's not nothing.

I do know that Pakistan is a political mess when I see it.

And I also know that they're not producing fast bowlers like they used to.

Maybe the two are linked.

I also know, John, that there cannot be many tougher jobs in the world at the moment than running Pakistan right now.

It must be really hard, you know, to get home after a hard day's running Pakistan to just be able to switch off.

You know, you'd be sitting on your sofa in front of your telly, ready to watch the latest episode of Desperate Housewives or The Price is Right.

Unwrapping your ice cream, kicking your shoes off, and just starting to relax when all of a sudden you think, oh shit, my country's in danger of being overrun by Islamist extremists and remains riven by political infighting that makes dealing with this problem even more difficult.

When asked if he was going to give America full intelligence as to where his nuclear reactors and arms are, President Zadari said, I don't think so.

I think that's on a need-to-know basis information.

Hold on there.

The Taliban are currently 60 miles outside your capital.

How many miles outside do they need to get for the need-to-know basis to go away?

Is it 20 miles?

Is it perhaps 10 miles?

Do you need to be able to see what they had for breakfast in their beards?

Now, the Taliban, John, there is a bunch of guys who unquestionably have really bad manners.

And the problem is that they do now control large parts of the Swat Valley.

Now, the Swat Valley is a region of Pakistan about which the Pakistani government's tourism website says in the winter, the angel white snow makes it an ideal place for skiing.

Now, yeah, always comes up, Andy.

Aspen, Colorado, the Pyrenees, the Alps and the mountains of Pakistan.

Well that's right, I was thinking about this earlier on John and I was thinking I'm not much of a skier but if I had to choose where to take my skiing holiday and I had a choice between say the Swiss Alps

the Colorado Rockies my stairs at home and the Swat Valley then I think at the moment I'll go Alps first Colorado second you know just because the Alps are closer to home and could always double it up with trying to find some of my people's missing gold.

Then in third place would be my stairs at home and languishing in fourth now would be the Swat Valley because although I know the snow isn't much cop in my house and it wouldn't really feel like a holiday and also the outbreak ski would probably involve having to apologise to my wife for having spent the day skiing down the stairs while she was looking after our two children.

But I guess on the plus side my stairs are not a Taliban stronghold in a reason torn apart by violence and on the brink of implosion.

But I think maybe the problem is I'm an unadventurous traveller.

Well I will say this though Any if the Olympic Committee has any balls the Winter Olympics would be will be held in Pakistan and all of a sudden people would start watching it again.

Well they would John but that would probably be only to see what the Taliban version of the women's downhill would involve.

There have been widespread protests in Pakistan.

Hundreds of Muslims took to the streets of Islamabad to protest against the influence of the Taliban, giving the government more public support than ever before to fight the extremists.

And the protesters were wearing stickers on their shirts which read go Taliban go.

A very positive move by the Pakistan civilian population.

I will say this though go Taliban go, not the greatest anti-Taliban slogan I've ever heard.

It feels like sitting on the fence of the population.

Sounds like something you should be shouting at Speed Racer.

Ask Chuck Berry if Johnny Be Good was actually an anti-Johnny song telling Johnny to go away.

You see, when it comes to a counterinsurgency, you have to make sure your message is clear.

Try, go away, Taliban, go away.

That gets your point across.

Or a simple, hey, Taliban, go f ⁇ yourselves.

I don't think anyone's going to misinterpret that.

Well, I think that that's probably the idea, John, though.

You have to hedge your bets when people like the Taliban are involved, just in case they end up taking over and looking at that video footage.

You can always say in your defense, I was merely encouraging you, please don't chop my head off.

Unfortunately, literally hours before the vital talks began, the US launched some disastrous airstrikes in Afghanistan, killing dozens of civilians, including women and children who were sheltering from the fighting.

So a genuine attempt to shift the focus of American foreign policy began instead with an apology for the loss of civilian life.

Obama does seem to be making this deliberately hard for himself.

That's like saying, I can make this shot with one hand tied behind my back.

Obama is a real showboater.

The problem is that you really can't trust Pakistan as far as you can throw it.

Gary Ackerman, a Democrat from New Yorker on Monday, said that Pakistan had its pants on fire.

Really?

Is that what passes for international diplomacy now?

Have we become that childish?

Because Pakistan hit straight back saying, Twinkle, twinkle, little star, what you say is what you are.

But the US argued that they'd already bagsied no returns and that that was UN binding.

Stay out of our country news now and Britain has published the names of 16 people on its banned list who are not allowed into the country, including the right-wing US talk show host Michael Savage, whose real name is apparently Michael Weiner.

That's right.

And I think that that change of name really does kind of lay his broadcasting cards on the table.

He's a shock jock in America, who's become famous for saying things like autistic children are brats who should cut the act out.

And once ranted, I don't want to hear any more about Islam.

Take your religion and shove it up your behind.

The question that leaps to mind with a man like this is: where could all this rage be coming from?

What happened to him in the past that has made him so loathsome?

And then you do find out that his name is not Michael Savage, it's Michael Wiener, and things start to make a little more sense.

Things cannot have been easy for him growing up, Andy.

School can be tough on wieners.

Yeah, he is a shock jock, so-called, because you will be shocked that anyone from an ostensibly civilized country can A, hold his views, B, lack the self-awareness or basic manners not to keep them to himself, and C, I found people willing to broadcast them for him.

It's a very interesting case, this, John, because I don't think many people would particularly like Mr.

Savage in this country, and maybe some people would share his views, but hopefully not many.

And he has said, as you say, some interesting things.

He said on Islam, you know, when I see a woman walking around with a burqa, I see a Nazi.

Now, this to me sounds like he should see a doctor.

It could be some kind of cranial swelling affecting the optic nerves.

And I think he should definitely get it checked out.

On autism, as you say, he described the rise of the diagnosis of autism as a racket designed to get disability payments for poorer families who have found a new way to be parasites on the government.

You know what autism is, he continued.

I'll tell you what autism is.

In 99% of cases, it's a brat who hasn't been told to cut the act out.

Which presumably means that 99% of shock jocks are autists.

Now, let's take this one step further.

Worse than that, they are brats who've been encouraged and paid not to cut the act out.

He also stopped, just stopped short of claiming that 99% of terminal patients are actually lazy-ass leeches who can't be asked to walk, sit up, or breathe.

And on hearing that he'd been banned from Britain by the Home Secretary Jackie Smith, he said, I thought this was a joke or a mistake.

When has this witch heard my show since it's not syndicated in England?

Well, he's answered his question right there, John.

If Jackie Smith's a witch, she'd probably just listen to it in her magic cauldron.

This banned list does make quite a group.

It's a veritable who's who list of nutcases.

Islamic extremists, white supremacists, homophobic whack jobs, and even this asshole radio DJ.

Is this a good idea?

Should you be banning people from coming in just because they're assholes?

You don't need to ban Michael Savage.

You can just phone him up directly on his radio show and call him a douchebag.

That's fine.

That's something you should be doing.

Should the Home Secretary be doing it on the behalf of Britain and the nation?

Maybe the Queen.

I think we should all be happy to pay for the phone call.

I think the Queen should take it upon herself.

You're complete going back!

Going back!

I got it, I think I'm on.

Am I just doing bags?

I can't believe you haven't got me off yet.

Well, that's basically a modern equivalent of leading the nation into battle, isn't it?

You know, if Henry V thought the French were douchebags, he went and did them over at Agincourt.

This is just the modern equivalent.

I think the better solution, though, John, is to allow these people in, but to publicise their itinerary and then encourage members of the public to follow them around, honking a horn whenever they say anything that has absolutely no grounding in reality, or maybe just booing them.

Home Secretary Jackie Smith, her argument is that she said it's a privilege to enter Britain.

And she's right, Andy, it is a privilege.

It's like watching TV, playing PlayStation, or eating ice cream.

It can get taken away at any time if someone starts being naughty.

It is a privilege to enter Britain, depending on which bit of Britain you go to.

Is it a privilege to go to Derby?

I don't know.

No.

No.

Maybe a duty sometimes.

Well, it's usually a court-mandated

or a contractual obligation.

Berlusconi update news now.

And well, well, well.

And another person mentioned in the bugle last week, Michael Savage, has hit the headlines this time, and it's Silvio Berlusconi, the al Capone of Italian prime ministers.

In fact, he's pretty much the alcapone of anything.

And except that Al Capone was at least eventually convicted of tax evasion, whereas Berlusconi is yet to take up his rightful place in prison.

The news over this last week is that his wife is divorcing him.

And he shouldn't be surprised by that.

And he should look himself in the mirror and say, oh, look, I'm Silvio Berlusconi.

I can see her point.

She shouldn't have had to write the reason down on the divorce form other than, I'm married to Silvio Berlusconi and there isn't a judge alive who isn't going to be on her side.

She's already put up with more than most human beings.

Just the thought of that orange leathery round face bearing down on you is enough to make you want to throw yourself out of a window.

You sound like you're speaking from experience, John.

Well, here's the thing, Andy, you might remember that in the bugle last week, I mentioned this.

Let's play that clip now.

I don't know how Berlusconi's wife puts up with an Andy other than having the right and the opportunity to slap him in the face every day.

In fact, that is quite a sudden perk.

If I was married to him, I would do that every single day.

In fact, Mr.

Berluscone, I know this is sudden, but would you do me the great honour of being my wife?

John, you homewrecker.

Uh-oh.

I do hope, Andy, that Silvio is not calling me on that little quip.

It would be an honour, and I will serve that country as well as I can.

Good food.

It is odd, though, that Berlusconi has managed to stay married as long as he has, but I guess we shouldn't forget that the Italian electorate keeps taking him back as well, no matter how badly he behaves.

A bit like a hungry child eating the same cactus over and over and over again.

That's true.

In many ways, the Italian public are Berlusconi's truly abused wife.

They just don't seem interested in that divorce.

I guess we just don't see what he's like when they're together.

We did get a number of emails from

you, the listeners, on this subject of John breaking up Berlusconi's marriage, including this one.

Carisibi John and Andy, non posso piu con contenerme

aversentito il vostre episodio di il corno o capito pedo che no non ho un futoro con il mi mio marito silvio valusconi.

Qiarmente elio un altra o dovre de du altre et ade sovedo tutto come pe la prima volta.

Dovre lingraziate per avermidato la spinta di la la siare silvio, perce fragamente starre, cono nomo cosi twenty-four or augiorno, non puitanco divertente, esmero che sarete multimo felici in sieve, and agli dali uno siafo di partami, tanto conquel botox, non locente naance, agore veronicalario.

Andy, what started there as a genuine attempt to accurately pronounce the Italian language?

Started to become a bit racist.

I can't remember the exact tipping point.

Problem is, John, I studied Latin at university.

My pronunciation was very much more kind of

turn of the first millennium than turn of the third millennium.

That is kind of the pronunciation that came from that Joe Dolce.

Shut up at your face.

Well, obviously that was from Veronica Lario, the woman in question.

And this has been translated by the person who sent the email, Kika Fincati, who describes herself as Veronica's handmaiden and occasional footstool, she translates it, Dear John and Andy, I cannot contain myself any longer.

After hearing your episode of the bugle, I've realised that I have no future with my husband, Silvia Berlusconi.

Clearly, he loves another, or shall I say, two others.

And now I see everything as if for the first time.

I should thank you for having given me the push to leave Silvio, as frankly, when you stay with a man like this 24 hours a day, it stops being all that funny.

I hope to be very happy together.

Slap him from me.

He can't feel anything through the Botox anyway.

Best wishes, Veronica Lario.

Thank you, Veronica, and good luck in your new free alive.

Although,

interestingly, John, if you put that email through a translation programme on the internet, it translates it as follows: Most expensive, John and Andy.

Well, I don't know, I think I'm quite competitive.

I know you've been on tele a lot, John, and you just go for the market, right?

But anyway, I cannot pee you to contain me.

After to have felt your episode of The Horn,

I have understood that I do not have a future with my husband, Silvia Berlusconi.

Clearly, it loves another.

Or I would have to say two others, and now I see all like for the first time.

I must ring Graziati.

There's a word I didn't understand.

In order to be had given the push to leave Silvia, because frankly, to be with a man cosy 24 hours to the day, not and then much funny one.

I hope that you will be much happy together.

From one Schiafo, from part mine, a love that with Botox does not feel it, not even.

Augurier's Veronica Lario.

I like the fact that in Italian, Andy, we're called the Horn.

The Horn.

That seems kind of appropriate.

Your emails now, and for those of you who sent emails or put messages on the website saying that I would never write another blog.

Well, there is another blog there now, so eat your words and eat them fast and eat them hard and with no sauce on them.

You don't want to eat them neat.

Anyway, this email is coming from Louise Grafton, who writes, I am the excessively proud mother of Sam, the pilot of the penis-shaped helicopter, and also of Anna, the ex-worker in the the penis-shaped country of Benin.

As Mother's Day approaches, that's American Mother's Day for our non-American listeners,

why are American mothers about six weeks after everyone else's?

What's up with that?

Do American women have a longer gestation period?

That's exactly it.

Ten and a half months.

Yeah.

Why is that?

Kids are usually developing their throwing arm to see if they can be pitchers and quarterbacks.

That's usually why.

I see.

Okay, and you can see that on a scan, can't you?

Yeah.

Anyway, we digress.

As Mother's Day approaches, I confess, continues Louise, that I almost always had faith that they would make something of themselves.

And now both have been lifted to fame by mention on your incomparable podcast.

I like the word incomparable.

It can be both a compliment and a frankly swinging criticism.

Therefore, I would be grateful if you would read this message on your next programme, not only because you would then have included three people from the same family and just might have a shot at the Guinness Book of Records.

Doesn't feel like an incredible record, but you know, it's a record of sorts

for the completists.

Yep.

But also to send a message to my beloved son in military service so far away from home.

Sam, the t-shirt Andy and John gave you arrived here today.

Your mother is an enthusiastic fan of the bugle.

She also wears t-shirts and she is unfortunately devoid of moral character.

Just wish you'd asked for a medium, but it will do.

On that last point, it was a medium.

Sorry.

Oh, there you go.

It was a medium.

It was a medium, Sam.

Don't listen to your mom.

Not just about that, just in general.

Well, yeah, thanks very much for the email.

Congratulations on two tremendous children.

Tremendous.

Flying a penis-shaped helicopter.

That is outstanding parenting.

You must just look at your son in that giant flying wang and think, well, I don't know what I did, but I did well.

And I'm going to steal his t-shirt.

Here's another one here.

It's an email from Clara, an Australian in Washington, D.C., who says, hi, guys.

It appears, and we've had a few emails on this.

It appears that the late Great Hotties from History segment has been stolen by those fiends of People magazine.

Apparently, Martha Washington has been scientifically tested and found to be 80% hot.

It's true.

People magazine have done a hotties from history.

Correct.

Andy, I can't remember what they call it, something less good.

But they've stolen it.

So we've always been a bellwether for where People magazine are heading.

And, you know, what the bugle does one week, People Magazine pick up on the next.

And it's going to be very interesting.

to see if they start developing Hugo Chavezagrams and the or meandering rap.

If they have as significant a focus on so mix a lot yep and whether they encourage people to deliver their own children in a bathroom at home what i'm imagining they do i think we should test this out john and i'd like to start a new thread on the bugle basically entitled world leaders i'd most like to assassinate and let's see if people magazine have the balls to pick that up as well I'm buying the next issue just to make sure, so I guess that's what they want.

Do we know how Nightingale fared in the People magazine sir?

I don't think Nightingale was in it, which is ridiculous.

But I know there was, I think Martha Washington scored very high, but I think that was patriotism as much as any particularly lustful thing.

They've not got it.

Patriotism has nothing to do with it.

It's guttural.

Don't let your head judge, let your groin.

Martha Washington did very well, and Cleopatra did terribly.

Now, for me, that completely invalidates it.

People magazine

readers and morons.

That just goes to show.

They can't be trusted with hosses from history.

Buglers, it lit a fire underneath them.

You're not going to get Joan the Mad in People magazine.

It's celebrity obsessed.

Martha Washington, some bullshit.

And Shakespeare did badly as well, and that's absolute horse crap.

Yeah, because he had some tight buns on him.

They've not thought about it like we have.

One page, and well, come on.

One page?

That's an issue.

That makes me chill.

I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed now.

So do keep your emails flooding into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

There'll be more in the next blog, which will almost certainly happen within the next two months or weeks.

Throw the net wide Andy.

Throw yourself and get out.

Well I'm having my kitchen done things pretty stressful at home.

Sport now and well John there's only been one sport story here in Britain in the last week and that has been well the build-up as predicted to Harlequins Guinness Guinness Premiership Rugby semi-final playoff with London.

No John.

The nation is all aflutter with it because it is a classic good versus evil matchup.

You know, the Quinns,

the mighty Quinns represent all that is good in the universe, John.

Everything that is good and pure and noble.

And London Irish, well, they're really the very emissaries of Beelzebub himself, really.

I mean, I don't have any actual evidence for that, but I've checked their website, and nowhere does it say that they're not the devil's representative in all matters relating to rugby.

Well, they should be clear about that.

So, also Hitler's favourite rugby team.

Hitler didn't write that down, but I'm just saying it's not.

They don't have a denial of that on their website.

So, until we receive confirmation, we have to assume the worst.

So, that's how much Quinns deserve to win, John.

They need to win for the sake of humanity.

Okay, well, I mean, when you put it like that, I still don't give a shit.

Also, the big story is Chelsea being knocked out of

the European Cup football by the magicians of Barcelona, who weren't particularly magic, but it led to some spectacularly infantile complaints by the Chelsea players after the final whistle.

They were running around as if they had quite literally had their own lungs ripped out by the referee.

He turned down four possible penalty claims, some of which were about as clear to being penalties as you can possibly get, John.

I like to think the refere was just letting the game flow, but apparently most Chelsea fans don't agree with that.

Does America follow matches like this?

No, no, no.

I mean, it's on ESPN, actually, but it's on in the afternoon, so you know, people don't really watch it.

Obviously, I follow it because, you know, like you say, Barcelona are, you know, the high emperors of football.

They take it to a new level.

I think, rightfully,

they should always be in the final.

Just step aside, we're Barcelona.

We're unbelievable at football.

The vitriol poured at this rather hapless Norwegian referee has been quite spectacular.

I think he's possibly at the moment the most hated man in Britain by Chelsea fans, if no one else.

They're kind of treating him like a war criminal.

There does seem to be an element that he should be put on trial and probably executed.

Just provide some kind of reparations in terms of some goals for next season.

Yeah, that seems to be the kind of view that he's Norwegian, and I guess we in Britain we're used to the Scandinavians coming over and robbing us of what is right for us.

It's not about the football, Andy, isn't it?

It's still deep-seated resentment about that whole Viking thing.

Always funny to see Michael Balak absolutely lose his shit.

I mean,

that is the beauty.

It's one of the most cathartic sights in the world, is an angry and/or upset Michael Balak.

Nothing makes you feel more centered and just think maybe the world is a decent place to see Michael Balak really unhappy.

And the other big sports story of the week, of course, last weekend, Rookie Hatton spent six minutes having his face smashed in by the world's most onomatopoeic sportsman, Manny Picow!

His surname is the sound that his fists make when they're rebounding off an Englishman's face.

Bugle forecast now and well the obvious forecast is by this time next week will People magazine on their website have a slideshow of buildings that look like Willys?

Yeah, I invite them to do it, Andy.

Do you have the balls, People Magazine, to print on your pages buildings that look like penises?

I'm calling you out.

I don't think you do.

I don't think you've got the cojornies.

And well, we had another one sent in from Alex Gage,

who sent in a picture of the

Self-Ridge's building in Birmingham with a tower block behind it.

Well, like a penis.

Yep.

Two curvy balls.

You want it, people magazine?

We're giving you them.

Self-age is building, building behind it.

Architectural penis.

Come on.

Weren't you?

You want to shift copies or not?

Weren't you in a bank with architectural penis when you were in school?

I was, yeah.

Yep.

That's all from the bugle this week.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

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