Obama Inauguration Special

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hollo buglers and welcome to issue 61 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday the 26th of January 2009.

And that means relax.

It's over.

It's all over.

The world is born again.

I'm Andy Zoltzman here in London in New York City.

It's John Oliver.

Hello buglers.

Hello Andy.

Now I'm recording Bugle on the phone for two reasons.

One is that I'm still part frozen from the inauguration.

My cold level at one point was very nearly cryogenic.

I'm pretty sure that if I'd just laid still, they could have thought me out for the next African American president in 2109.

I think that's what's been agreed on now, one every hundred years.

I think my bones are slightly frozen.

You could drop me in your drink on a hot day, and I'm pretty confident I'd cool it down for you.

And the other reason is that I'm flying to Bermuda in about an hour to do stand-up.

I'll be flying through the infamous Bermuda Triangle, so don't be too surprised if this is the last you ever hear from me.

If that's the case, you know, any final thing you'd like to say, Andy?

Any final message before I disappear in mysterious circumstances?

Have you found my pen that I think I left in your flat last February?

I will give an extra special hard look for that, Andy.

And I'm both shocked and appalled that that is the thing that you want me to say.

That was a good pen.

That was a two-pound pen, John.

I think it was a Pilot P700.

That's my favourite title.

I'll take it with me.

Right.

They can uncover it with my lost body.

So, well, new President Obama has promised a new era of peace and cooperation around the world.

So, what finer time to do this first Obaman bugle than now, the week beginning Monday the 26th of January, because of course on the 25th of January, 90 years ago 1919, the League of Nations was founded after the conclusion of the First World War Rat Party, heralding a new era of peace around the world.

And had it not been for the subsequent war, it could easily have worked.

And of course Monday the 26th marks the 75th anniversary of the signing in 1934 of the German-Polish non-aggression pact.

Both countries agreed to resolve any future problems from negotiation and to abstain from armed conflict for 10 years.

Well, it kind of half works.

The Poles stuck to the negotiation side of things and the Germans abstained from armed conflict for five years.

So near and yet, so far.

Now, John, I'm not saying Obama is like Hitler, far from it.

If anything, he's not like Hitler.

I'm just saying these things don't always work out as well as people hope.

Also, it's Australia Day today, or as many Aborigines know it, Invasion Day, which I, as a Briton, can only say, whoops, sorry, we slipped.

And also we're very lucky to be alive still, John, because yesterday, Sunday, the 25th of January, 14 years since Norway very nearly started a nuclear holocaust and the destruction of humanity.

When a Norwegian research rocket was mistaken by the Soviet Union for a US nuke, the Soviets activated their nuclear briefcase and were within minutes of launching a counter-strike.

Luckily, it rapidly turned out it was in fact a research rocket looking at some stuff in the sky.

But bear in mind that the Soviet president at the time was Boris Yeltsin.

And so the world was probably basically one bottle of Stolichnoyer away from catastrophe.

So truly it is a pleasure to be here because John, if the world had been destroyed by a Norwegian science project in the subsequent nuclear war, well, I guess the bugle wouldn't exist and nor would its listeners.

So it's great to be alive.

Just goes to show never trust a Norwegian.

Particularly not a Norwegian with a rocket.

As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin.

This week, an astronomy section 2009 is the International Year of Astronomy.

And whether you think astronomy is the vital study of the universe that will teach us about the origin of everything or long-distance voyeurism for planetary perks with big telescopes, the fact is that as long as there's a sky, people will want to look at it and we better learn to live with that.

So we'll be looking in our astronomy section in the bin at what does the universe mean to us today in this year of all years?

It's 399 years since Galileo discovered Jupiter's moons, one of the most influential breakthroughs in human history, which paved the way almost 400 years later for ordinary people like us to know that Jupiter has some moons.

Also we'll be looking at recently discovered constellations including the crapping dog which looks like a Labrador doing its business in the park, the Chaka Khan Chucka Khan which looks like the queen of funk soul playing polo with a tin of beans and the cryptic which looks like a crossword the discovery of which has led to religious groups claiming it is proof of the existence of God and that God is easily distracted by word puzzles.

And also we'll be telling you how to see more stars.

Go to an area without street lighting, look at the sky carefully for five minutes, concentrating really really hard.

Then, when you least expect it, down a bottle of whiskey and smash yourself on the head with a frying pan.

Instantly, four times the number of stars.

Because we are the world.

We are the children.

We are the ones who make it right today.

So let's start giving.

But know this, America.

Our economy is badly weakened.

America's decline is inevitable.

Starting today, we will harness every man, woman, and child in sweatshops to make goods and services to meet the demands of China.

Now,

a moment that will define a generation.

The time has come to strangle President Bush.

God bless the United States of America.

Thanks to Cassette Boy for that, and you can see the full video version on the Times Online webpage.

Top story this week and the world has finally changed.

Well Andy, in years to come, tens of millions of people will say I was there.

Most of them will be full shit.

Not me.

It really was an incredible moment and not one that I ever thought I'd witness because not only was I doubtful that I would be African American President of the United States in my lifetime, but I was even more doubtful that if I ever did, I would somehow be allowed to be there as it happened.

It did feel like being an extra in a big-budget blockbuster movie.

It was as close as I felt to legitimately screaming out Hail Caesar and watching a Christian get fed to a lion.

An estimated two and a half million people gathered together in front of the Capitol building.

The only real comparison in terms of scale is the Hajj, the Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca, in an analogy which was bound to make much of middle America a little bit nervous.

History has been made, of course.

Barack Obama, after becoming the first African American to run for president and the first African American to be elected president, now completed the hat-trick and became the first African American to be inaugurated as president.

No one has ever pulled that threesome off before.

What a performance of a six-foot one and a half-inch African American.

And of course he became the ninth tallest U.S.

president in U.S.

history.

And to add an insult to injury, in doing so, he knocked George W.

Bush out of the top 20 tallest presidents.

That must have stung

alongside the swinging, undiluted slamming of his presidency that he had to smirk through during Obama's speech.

That must have stung.

And if you look down on him both physically as well as emotionally.

It was an amazing moment for him.

I mean, I can also say that I was there, if by there, you mean in my car listening to it on the radio on the way back from football.

Because, you know, these things have to take precedence.

And in fact, at football, I got the opinions of some of Britain's leading comedians on what they thought of Obama's inauguration.

So it's literally minutes now until the inauguration of Barack Obama, first black president of America.

Russell Howard, how do you think you play today?

As a black man, very well.

So it's a historic day.

Right, so minutes till the inauguration.

Lee Mack, what's your analysis of today's game with reference to the change in American politics?

I'd say that at last it was one goal, two took for ages, and I thought three at last.

Three at last.

Three at last, a lot we've done there, A lot we've done.

So, Daniel Kitson, it's minutes until the inauguration of Barack Obama.

How do you think you played in today's game?

I've got an authentic hat-trick, one with me left foot, one with me right foot, and a header.

And an extra goal as well.

Right.

So, I mean, it's one of the most momentous days, symbolic moments in modern political history.

Do you think, I mean, you could have tracked back a bit more and helped out the midfielder?

I thought I did track back when people who were meant to be holding the back line drifted in the second half.

But let's not lose track of the important thing today.

First ever header.

First, ever.

First ever header.

Well, this is truly a momentous day on both sides of the Atlantic.

For me, John, it was, I was delighted to see Obama take the White House, but it was a bit like when England won the Rugby World Cup final in 2003.

It was a bit like that.

Why was it a bit like that?

It was a bit like that, John, because of course I was pleased that England won it, but I think I was even more pleased that Australia lost it.

And here it was great to see Obama being inaugurated, but it was even better to see George W.

Bush leave.

Well, the goodwill of the crowd was so strong, possibly because because of that, that there were no reported arrests.

Zero, none.

And it's absolutely astounding.

Bear in mind that British people can't gather in a 15,000-seater football stadium without getting drunk and fighting each other.

It just felt weird to be amongst an almost dangerous amount of people and feel completely safe.

No arrests at all, not even Chaney.

No, they were especially not Cheney.

And as we stood together afterwards, it hadn't really sunk in until Bush's helicopter Marine 1 flew directly over our heads and away from the White House.

And it was like you can almost feel the collective sigh of relief make its way down the mall.

Because although there's great excitement at the possibilities that Obama represents, I think there's just as much a sense of joy that the Bush administration is now gone.

The first photos of Obama behind the desk in the Oval Office were remarkable not just because of who he was, but because of who he wasn't.

And it even felt some relief seeing McCain sit there as long as Palin wasn't behind him with a hammer.

It was obviously an amazing moment when Bush left in his helicopter to the cheers of the crowd.

And in fact, I was thinking of this from the aerial shots done, from the way the crowds were gathered around the Capitol building and then stretched down the National Mall as Bush, the ex-president, God, that feels good, looked down from his special chopper.

The crowd must have looked, the way they'll gather around the wise and stretch the animal, must have looked a bit like a giant hand flipping him one final farewell bird.

A two and a half million person bird.

Yeah, as shame they couldn't have done something like they do at football matches or Olympic opening ceremonies when the crowd turns over bits of card and makes a picture of a flag or Olympic rings or a wildebeest eating a piano.

It's a shame that the crowd at the inauguration couldn't have all turned over little cards to spell out, f you, George, seriously f you.

I think that's an opportunity missed that America will regret in future years.

And if there was any, any doubt in your mind about whether people were being a little bit hard on Bush and his legacy, he generously silenced any sympathetic support by using one of his final declarations to announce that from now on on January the 18th, it will be called National Sanctity of Human Life Day.

President, ex-President...

God, that really does feel great, doesn't it?

Ex-President Bush writes that all human life is a gift from our Creator that is unique and worthy of protection.

On National Sanctity of Human Life Day, our country recognises each person, including every person waiting to be born, has a special place and purpose in this world.

Oh, why not?

With all the problems in America and the world, why not leave with a passing shot on people who might, for whatever reason, reason, want or need an abortion?

Looking back at his administration, the President made a case for being one committed to building a culture of life.

Among the achievements of life he highlighted were vigorously promoting adoption and parental notification laws, opposing federal funding for abortions overseas, encouraging teen abstinence and funding pregnancy programs.

But of course, he was also very much pro-death in things like his foreign policy, his inaction during Katrina, his shameful underfunding of Walter Reed and his God-taking commitment to the death penalty.

But But here's the thing, I don't want to get too angry about it, Tony, because the point is, it's over.

It's over.

Exactly that kind of shit is over.

It's just wonderful that for the first time in eight years, people around the world can wake up without the first thing they say being, oh shit, George W.

Bush is the most powerful man on the planet.

I think getting up is going to take a lot less long.

This could really boost world productivity.

And it was amazing joy and emotion.

It was quite inspiring to see on the faces of the people in Washington this potently symbolic day of transformation and almost the beginning of a new modern age.

And I guess it's hard as a white British person to fully understand and relate to what black Americans must have felt.

I guess I mean the closest I can think is what I would feel like if a second generation lapsed Jewish classics graduate ever became England cricket captain.

I mean it must have been that strong.

Street vendors were there selling, I was there Lamanakey certificate, which you could hang around your neck.

And I saw one person buy two of them for themselves and one for, and I quote, my auntie in indiana now that is a lovely gesture but let's be honest she can't have that

she could have a different one say i wasn't there but i know someone who was and they bought me this that would be fine but otherwise that certificate surely doesn't have the necessary authority to justify its fifteen dollar price tag

Because it was quite a striking performance from Obama John.

Rattled along at a steady 125 words per minute.

Did your standard tight inauguration 20-minute set.

He went for 19, left space for an encore that certainly embarrassingly didn't come.

But also I thought he did pretty well to top Aretha Franklin's hat, which was a truly spectacular day, although I was a bit disappointed with Aretha that she got the words to God save the queen wrong.

And as a British person, that was a real disappointment after all we've done for that country.

And also I thought the poets who followed Obama really struggled.

I mean, I guess...

That is a tough act to follow.

You know, it's bad booking.

You've got to put your open mic poets on at the start of the gig before your inspirational orator stroke era-defining socio-political symbol.

Now, that is basic stuff.

I mean, I guess you could have put Lord Byron on after Barack Obama, brought him back to life with his plums hanging out, and no one would have taken any notice apart from Joe Biden's wife, if you know what I mean.

And what I mean is she loves romantic poetry.

But this woman stood no chance.

I think there's a time and a place for poetry, John, and it's in the 19th century in an opium den.

I'm just amazed he didn't say something.

He said, okay, so the lineup's ready to go.

You'll be going on after the president.

Oh, I beg your pardon?

I mean, is there any chance of me just slipping in before him?

That will be better.

I mean, what you've got to remember is I am a poet, not Nelson Mandela.

It was the most meticulously planned day since the last royal funeral.

You can say what you like about them.

They still know how to go out like Vikings.

But there were still some lighter comic moments.

In a surprise comic twist, Dick Jamie had turned up in a wheelchair.

Apparently, he'd hurt his back whilst moving his stuff.

And what stuff would that be, Andy?

Would it be classified documents by any chance?

And would he be moving them towards a shredder or an open fire?

That man just does not care what people think of him.

He'd come out plus as a volcano, spewing lava from his nipples if he thought it would piss people off more.

I don't think there has ever been a human being so bored by consequences.

Yeah, he's knacking his back packing files up in his office.

And I don't want to use the words incriminating evidence, John, but a friend of mine who looks like Dick Cheney has told me how big and heavy some files can be when you have to remove them from your office yourself without anyone else looking at them.

Of course, you know, this could have happened to a nicer guy, John, but it didn't.

It happened to Cheney.

The other comic relief was that Obama actually had to take the oath of office twice after Justice John Roberts balls it up the first time.

And that's understandable.

It's not like it's only 35 words and that his entire career is based on upholding the Constitution.

Oh, hold on.

It's exactly like that.

It is exactly like that.

What a choke by Robert Hundy.

I haven't heard a choke so bad since Jesus first turned water into slightly warmer water.

Still impressive, but not what he'd said he was going to do.

I was a bit disappointed in Obama's speech, John, as a British person.

That's, you know, he slammed al-Qaeda in the middle, and that was fair enough.

But then he slammed Britain at the end, banging on about the old war of independence, hoopla.

And I think, you know, after all the support that we at the Bugle have given Obama, I thought that was really no way to pay back the nation that has stormed the bugle.

Absolutely.

I nearly stormed the stage at that point.

Obama then set about the difficult task of dismantling the shit castle which Bush has lovingly built.

One of the first defecation turrets to topple was Guantanamo Bay, which Obama announced will be closed no later than one year now.

So America is on a one-year waiting list, Andy, to have the operation to remove that shame from its conscience.

He also announced that from now on, officials are banned from receiving gifts from lobbyists in what he called a clean break from business as usual.

And this was met by some panic respondents of, starting when, Barack, in half an hour?

Have I got time to make a quick 300 phone calls?

Now that he has moved into his plush New Washington pile and is twirling the keys to Air Force One round his little presidential finger,

will Obama have to do to improve on the economic performance of his predecessor?

Well, I guess the answer is nothing.

He could literally do nothing and the US economy would get better by at least 2%.

Thankfully, he does seem to have slightly higher ambitions than this.

And the world is now looking to Obama for guidance on how best to clean up the economic vomit it has chundered all over its trousers.

And as Shakespeare himself wrote, John, in the publicity material to his hit historical docudrama Henry V, in times of crisis, the world needs heroes.

And Obama, I guess, already is a hero by virtue of, as you said, both who he is and who he isn't.

And a significant factor in his favour is that he supplanted America's least impressive president.

Economically, competing with Bush is akin to trying to beat a post-slicing Vincent van Gogh in a who's got the most ears competition.

Bush has shuffled out the back door of the White House and is now waiting for the judgment of history like an Olympic figure skater sitting next to his silently fuming coach, looking up at the judge's scoreboard with a grimace of concern and hoping that they don't mark him down too much for falling over five times in his routine, flipping a V-sign at them, landing an unnecessary quadruple salco in the front row of the crowd, killing a child, and finishing his routine by urinating on the advertising hoardings while shouting, I deserve at least a 5.3.

So, Britain news now, and well, it's been an equally momentous week in Britain.

We are now officially in recession, John.

This is the first time we've fallen into recession whilst there's been a...

Congratulations, Andy.

Congratulations.

I should have said something.

It's the first recession Britain has ever gone into whilst there's been an African-American president in the White House.

Oh, that's historic.

It never rains, but it pours history.

There's been a lot of debates in the cataclysm of the British economy.

At what points of the slope are we at?

Have we reached the bottom of the slope?

And I guess we have reached the bottom of the slope.

The only problem is that at the bottom of the slope, there's a cliff.

And all we have to do is hope that there's a pile of mattresses or preferably a trampoline at the bottom of that cliff to aim for.

What we're doing now, basically, is that we're at the cartoon stage of realising we've just gone off a cliff and there's nothing beneath us.

We're now peddling our legs furiously while scrumming at the camera before plummeting downwards and landing snout first at the bottom of a canyon with an amusing clang.

Before the cliff then falls on top of us, we stumble out looking dazed, an anvil falls on our heads, and something explodes.

It's not looking good for the British economy.

The debate, of course, is: should the government now be honest with the British public on exactly how much liability they've exposed us to with their bank bailouts?

And the answer is, we are now more exposed than a naked pope up a stick in a shopping mall.

It's not good.

That is a lot of papal dangler dangling.

Not only is that exposed as an image, Honey, but you are now exposed in terms of being sent straight to hell.

Comes up the image of a naked Pope with a stick up his his arse.

I'm not saying up his arse, John.

I'm saying he's clinging to a stick.

I'm not saying he is sitting fully impaled on a stick.

Okay, well, tell that to the judge on Judgment Day, Andy.

Don't tell it to me.

Oh, these technicalities are important because we know that the devil is a pen pusher.

He likes to get his paperwork right.

So the question for the government, John, is, is honesty the best policy?

And the answer is clearly It's not.

If it was the best policy, politicians would probably be inclined to use it a little bit more often.

But I think there's an argument that in times of economic crisis like that, honesty is in fact the worst policy.

Because this whole crisis has been driven by politicians saying how bad things are and then the media reporting A politicians saying how bad things are and B how bad things are.

So if our leaders had the political courage to lie when it's most needed at a time like this and our media have the sense of public responsibility to run a full blackout on all world economic problems, I think we'd all feel much more confident about our economic future.

To be honest Andy, that is the most coherent economic response I've yet heard.

There's a time and a place for truth, John, and clearly that's not on the cusp of a recession.

Truth is...

As if to illustrate the difference between American and British politics at the moment, the Conservative Party, who are the least unpopular of the two main parties currently, have recalled Kenneth Clark, who was a government minister for 18 years between 1979 and 1997.

He was not the most unpopular Tory minister of the late Tory era, but he was still a Tory minister in one of the most unpopular governments we've ever had.

And it appears that whilst comedy equals tragedy plus time, what you can also add to that is that unpopularity plus time equals experience.

And just as the government brought back Peter Mandelson, perhaps one of the most unpopular men in recent British history, the Conservatives now brought back Clark, he had two years as Minister for Health, which is slightly at odds with his subsequent role as Deputy Chairman of British American Tobacco, which I guess shows an interest in the continuing popularity of the NHS, which has more customers, I guess, the more people are smoking.

It has been revealed by a research project that British manners resulted in more people dying on the Titanic than was strictly necessary.

John, this is the kind of story that makes you pleased to be British, and even more pleased to be British whilst not on a boat in 1912.

Absolutely.

This behavioural economist says that data suggests Britons in that era were much more inclined to be gentlemanly, while Americans were more individualist.

And, you know, you didn't see that in the James Cameron movie, did you, Anthony?

Cues of Brits saying, oh, no, please, no, after you, after you, what do you mean the water's around my chest?

I'm absolutely fine.

I don't want to be a fuss to anybody.

Or just enjoy the cruise.

Would you mind awfully if I drown before you?

Just shove me under and I'll get right on with it.

You have to understand that that is the way that British people would want to go.

It's an honourable death.

For Vikings, it was dying violently with a sword in your hand that guaranteed you entrance to Valhalla.

For Brits, it's standing patiently in a queue, not causing a kerfuffle.

The whole of the Titanic problem, if I may call it that, happened because the British crew didn't want to upset the iceberg by not saying hello to it.

As the boat sank, Captain Smith apparently shouted, Be British, boys, be British.

And it is noticeable, 97 years later, how much different a response that would elicit from today's 21st century British holiday makers, who, if given that instruction, would presumably start downing cheap cocktails, singing racist football songs, urinating into lifeboats and flashing their chunk scrugglers at passers-by.

That's certainly what I do when I go on holiday with my wife and young children.

And also it was the same in World War I, John.

We have that same element of politeness between the serving British military and their officers, right?

So you want me to walk slowly towards those machine gun posts?

Righto, no problem.

Don't worry about coming to collect me.

I'm more than happy just to decompose where I fall.

I'd hate to put you out.

I'm sure you're awfully busy.

And do tell the German gentleman who shoots me to invoice my wife for the cost of his bullets.

Tip tip.

And in further news that Britain is truly falling apart as a nation, the Evening Standard newspaper, London's biggest-selling newspaper, if I may call it that, has been taken over by the KGB.

The Bolsheviks are at the gate, John.

An ex-KGB agent, Alexander Lebedev, has taken over the standards.

He bought it for one pound.

He had one pound to spare.

He could have bought two copies of the Evening Standard.

Instead, he bought the Evening Standard.

It does now look that the standard, known for being a fairly uninteresting middle-of-the-road paper from front page to back, now looks set to become an organ of barely disguised communist propaganda, urging Londoners to overthrow the monarchy and kill poets whenever they see them.

That'll make it a lot more interesting a read, Addie.

What about bringing down the bourgeoisie?

Wow, the Evening Standard's really got exciting.

I can't wait to see what I'm told to do tomorrow.

Apparently, in the past, Lebedeff has said that when he was a KGB agent in London, he used to use the evening standard to garner information.

Connie, imagine what kind of hotline back to Moscow that would have been.

Red fist, red fist, this is purple dog.

The actress playing the lead role in cats actually owns a cat and likes playing tennis.

I repeat, likes tennis.

What, that not good enough?

Okay, hang on, I'll check page 14.

Wandsworth Council have repaired a pothole on the A3.

Posh all now.

What, mate?

All right, try this.

This is top secret.

Arsenal are disappointed with their 1-1 draw last Saturday and hope hope to make amends tonight against Sheffield Wednesday.

All right, I'll get a new job.

Let Ferdinand have tweaked his hamstring or be out for three games.

That's why the Cold War fell down, because Russian spies just lost their edge and just started reading tabloid newspapers.

Yeah, that really is a long fall down from poison darts.

Your emails now and well, Patrick Shannon has back in touch, Andy.

You remember the pat who threatened to kill us a few episodes ago.

you know it's been a while since he's been in touch but he has come back with an explosive email strap in he says dear John and Andy hey remember me Patrick Shannon I'm sorry about not being able to kill you two I was about to but I had an American thing to do John you must understand in the time between these two emails his punctuation has not changed

I'm just writing in to tell you two to go f yourselves and f the British Empire For the record, I'm black, so I'm pretty pissed that your country instituted slavery.

What the hell?

Stop trying to tear us apart, you ugly bastards.

Well, I swear to the Lord Almighty, sorry, Andy, I'm a Christian, we'll talk about Jesus later.

We will nuke the UK.

We don't want to do it.

Sincerely, Patrick Shannon.

P.S.

When are you guys going to have the American back?

Andy, I think I have a favourite emailer.

I'm not sure it's good to encourage death threats, John.

When they come with such flamboyance as that, it just really gives a lift to your day.

Maybe we can start posting videos on the internet, al-Qaeda style, threatening threatening our destruction.

We have had a huge number of emails lamenting the end of Hotties from History.

This is a great time for democracy with the inauguration of Obama.

And maybe, you know, maybe we are going to have to give in to the will of the people.

And that will of the people is to keep lusting after the long dead.

It has been a spectacular response.

Genuine worldwide indignation.

We did also have two extra special emails this week.

You may remember that Andy threw some rhymes down a couple of weeks ago towards the end of the hotties from history.

He put down a fat joint.

Oh, sure, Dad.

And I think I mentioned as through yelps of laughter that it'll be something that someone might like to remix into a song.

Well, someone didn't do that.

Two people

did that.

And, well, I mean, they're pretty special, Andy.

There's some old school flavour in one of them.

One has more of a West Coast vibe to it.

Well, let's hear those remixes.

It's flow, it's flow, it's flow, it's flow rise, flow rise.

It's flowing, it's flow.

Well, it has to be uh

the lady with the lamp, what a fam, gives me cramp.

When I see Najing Girl Benadi, looking flatty, feels so righty.

I just wanna go with a flow.

I got search warrants to search my Florence, and I'm drooling in torrents.

Leave me back to 1860 to see if that girl can fit me.

Tend my wool, cause my head's ballooned.

Not Jing Girl, you put the wind in my sail.

Big my girl to look for nurse in a hearse.

She might be living in a coffin, but I'd still be giving her a buffet.

I'll want more from the Prime Minister.

So it's back in time to make her mine.

If we're back to 1860, to see if that girl can fix me, 10 my woe, cause my head's ballooned.

Lock my candle, pull my handle, cause a scandal.

Naughty girl, you put the wind in my sail.

She's tiny, she's a mystery.

She's a holiday from history.

So I'm gonna go with the flow.

Oh, yeah.

So that one was from Nathan of the USA.

Wow.

Pretty funky.

I'm grabbing my nuts as we speak.

And let's hear the second one.

This one has come from Pete, who writes, Howdy, I can't believe I actually spent time doing this.

So here it is from Pete from Japan.

Well, for me, John, I think you can probably guess where I'm going with this.

They say you never truly get over your first love.

It's fun, isn't it?

It's fun.

Well, it has to be for me.

The lady with the lamp, what a vamp, gives me cramp.

When I see Naqing girl in a naji, looking flaty, feels so ratty.

I just wanna go with a flaw.

I got search warrants to search Matt Lawrence, and I'm driving in Torrance.

It's Matt Cook and Love's Nixon House.

She might be living in a coffin, but I'd still be giving her a hoffin.

I want more from the Crammian war, so it's back in time to make my mind.

Give it back to 1860.

The CFF nurse can fix me.

Tend my war wound, cause my eye is ballooned.

Lock my candle, pull my handle, cause a scandal.

Naughtine girl, you put the windows on the side.

She's tough.

She's a mystery.

She's a hurry from history.

So I'm gonna go with the flow.

Wow.

Do you know what?

What, mate?

This whole year was worth it for that, Anderson.

Well, if someone is remixed that.

Time well spent, Pete.

What should I say, Dr.

Dre?

The Japanese-based Dr.

Dre.

So, thank you very much for emails.

We'll have a longer email section next week when John doesn't have to ride off to Bermuda.

Do keep your emails coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And are we going to have the American next week?

Yes.

Yes, hopefully, all things permitting, the American will be here to answer your questions next week.

Sports news now, and there's been violence at a tennis match.

Hooliganism is back, John.

Novak Djokovic fans clashed with Amma Delich fans at the Australian Open.

I think it's time to segregate tennis fans.

You know, if the Djokovices and the Deliches can't live in harmony, they should be at opposite ends of the court.

I'm just relieved that the Dokic Ultras and the Wozniaki crew didn't flare up during the women's third round match this morning.

I mean, over tennis, John, what could possibly possess these people to get violent over tennis?

Well, perhaps it's because Djokovic, the world number three, and a big fan of the bugle, or at least he would be if he could be bothered to listen to it.

Djokovic is Serbian, and Delic, although now American, was born Bosnian.

So I guess it's starting to fit together a bit with a little bit of historical context.

I guess it shows how far Serbia and Bosnia have come though over the last 15 years.

That now that they're just throwing chairs at each other at a tennis tournament and not committing human rights atrocities against each other.

So it shows how far we've come.

That's right, they're just weaning themselves off that virus.

Just time for the Bugle forecast now, and Tom, our producer, is on jury service from next week.

So the forecast is guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

Guilty.

According to my brother's theory of the legal system, no smoke without fire.

If it's in court, it's guilty.

It doesn't really stand up to the most infantile scrutiny as a judicial theory, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel it keenly.

The quicker he puts his black cap on, the sooner he gets back to the bugle.

So good luck anyone who happens to be in front of Tom next week in court.

So we'll be back next week.

In the meantime, do enjoy the first full bugle week of the Obama era.

Oh it feels good.

I feel like I've had the world's best ever shower.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.