Did you get peace in the Mid-East for Xmas?

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to a truly historic issue 58 of the Bugle, the first ever issue of the Bugle in the year 2009.

John, this has never happened before.

An issue of the bugle in the calendar year 2009.

This has got to be one of the great moments in human history.

Well, I mean, that's big claim, Andy.

That is your first big claim of 2009.

But yeah, well, that is.

Also, I broke an etiquette there.

I haven't introduced myself.

I'm Andy Zoltzman in London.

Bad start of the year.

Bad start.

And in New York City.

John, 2009 is the year of change.

That was a change.

People don't know who you are yet.

And in New York City, it's John Oliver.

Hello, John.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello, Viewmas.

Welcome.

Oh, God.

We've unraveled.

This was supposed to be our big year, Andy, and you blew it.

Welcome back, buglers.

Welcome back, Andy.

And yeah, welcome to 2009.

How's it been for you so far, Andy?

Sensational, John.

Best year of my life so far.

Yeah.

That's good to hear.

That's good to hear.

Also, let's take a moment and say, happy birthday, Earth.

Hard to know how many candles to put on your cake.

Opinion seems divided.

And it's rude to ask you directly.

Science claims that you're 4.5 billion years old.

Christianity rounds that down to a more complimentary 10,000 years old.

Either way, you look terrible.

Happy birthday anyway.

How was your Christmas, John?

Oh, it's fine.

And it was good.

It was fine.

It was your classic English family Christmas.

Right.

Very pleasant.

Yeah.

Excellent.

Yeah, how was yours?

What?

Did you deliver any children?

No,

I got that out of the way.

Yeah, okay, good enough.

Well, I have to say Horace seemed quite ambivalent to his first Christmas.

And when I presented him with his plastic cricket set, he didn't even say thanks.

So it's going to take a little while for me to repair my father-son relationship.

I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas, though, John.

Right, what was that?

World peace.

Oh.

I guess you never get what you want.

I should have asked for war, and then, you know, who knows?

It might have happened.

I thought you liked war.

You did just get bought more war, really.

Oh, I thought you liked it.

But it is, Monday, the 5th of January.

It is 50 years since Fidel Castro won Cuba in a raffle.

And also, tomorrow, the 6th of January, will be 25 years since the birth of my dog Tash.

Oh.

God rest her soul.

Ironically, she didn't actually like Fidel Castron.

How's she doing that?

Well, she never said, I like Fidel Castron.

Right, so she's never voiced any open support.

No.

Also, happy 250th wedding anniversary to George and Martha Washington.

Here's to 250 more years of happy matrimony.

As always, some sections of the Bugle go straight in the bin.

This week, a special feature section on how to take down your Christmas decorations, which of course you must do on the 6th of January or you will be condemned to hell I believe that's the Christian edict so if you are using a power hose or water cannon to get your decorations off your Christmas tree please make sure any electric lights are switched off first also we'll tell you what to do with your tinsel you could chop it into pieces and leave it in the local woods then the next day retrace your steps and claim to have discovered the droppings of a fairy And remember also tinsel is a potential murder weapon.

Edward the Confessor died on the 5th of January 1066.

That could easily have been caused by a tintal from his tree being used to strangle him.

And also Teddy Roosevelt died whilst taking Christmas decorations down on the 6th of January 1919 at John.

He's rumoured to have died after mistaking a ball ball for a strawberry, eating it whole and then dying of food poisoning as it hadn't been cooked properly.

And also, we will tell you if you have used the severed head of a polar bear as your Christmas fairy on top of your tree, we'll tell you how to dispose of it without getting in trouble from the Animal Rights Brigade.

Well, Andy, the new year has brought you no more facts.

Your fact stocking lay empty once more.

Where is that fact Santa?

Where has he been the entire 33 years of your life?

34, John.

You're 34 now?

Yeah, that's a fact.

There, he came.

He looked better late than never.

Jingle, jingle, he's here.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Top story this week and happy new year to the Middle East.

And for the thousandth year in a row, that sounds sarcastic.

Congratulations Middle East, it is your depressing four-figure anniversary.

Half-inflated balloons should be cascading from the ceiling in celebration now before sagging onto the floor like broken dreams.

Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

Of course old acquaintances shouldn't be forgot, Andy.

Old acquaintances should be painfully raked over and used in an excuse for present-day atrocities.

That's the little known eighth verse of old Lang Syne.

People tend to skip it when they're drunkenly grouped singing.

It's less catchy and it can really bring down a hooter nanny.

What a finer way for the Middle East to celebrate Christmas than with a good old-fashioned family argument.

Which is essentially what this is.

And we've all had them, John, just not quite this big.

There was one year when my parents blockaded me in my bedroom for 18 months, and I have to say I was

pretty knocked with them.

If you'd had rockets, you'd have fired them, wouldn't you?

Oh, I would.

Yes, the most badly behaved region on earth once again chose to celebrate the new year in signature style by sacheting up to the brink of all-out war.

Not for them the oohs and ahs of fireworks displays.

They prefer the oohs, the oh gods, and the please make it stops of genuine rocket attacks.

I'm not sure when the last genuinely happy new year in the Middle East was, Andy, but I think we're going back to before the British started exterior designing here, that's for sure.

I think you're probably going back to nought BC, aren't you?

When a lot of these problems really kicked into hyperdrive.

So far, the United Nations reaction to the crisis has been to begin work on a new limerick about the Middle East.

So far, it goes, there once lived in the Middle East a man who ate nothing but yeast.

He continued to rise until, to his surprise, he was baked and eaten by a beast.

And, you know, they're still working on that last line in particular, John.

It doesn't quite scam, but you know, when it comes to the Middle East, it's so hard to reach compromise.

That's a strong message from the international community.

But just for once, Andy, it would be nice if they could take inspiration from that incredible moment during the First World War in 1914 when, on Christmas Eve, soldiers from both sides ventured into no man's land to play football together before continuing to slaughter each other for another four years.

But wouldn't it have been wonderful if the Israelis and the Palestinians on New Year's Eve had met on the border of the Gaza Strip and just sat down for a game of Scrabble?

Yes, there would likely be some arguments about putting down a triple word occupier when it wasn't your go.

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, there'd probably be arguments about what alphabet to to use as well.

You're right, it's a bad idea.

It's a bad idea.

It just goes to show how complicated this issue is.

If the Palestinians and the Jews have one thing in common, Andy, it's that they both struggle to summon up much of a Christmas spirit around this time of year.

Now, you can say that that's because neither of them celebrate Christmas, but you don't need to believe in Santa to want to dress up like him.

Stop quoting Aristotle at this early stage of the podcast.

Now, the Palestinian leader, Mahmoud Abbas, has called for an honourable truce.

And that could be a tough one, John.

I mean, the truce itself is looking like a bit of a long shot, and an honourable one at the moment is looking about as likely as a portion of Peking Duck winning the Olympic giant slalom next year.

Not impossible, but unlikely.

This current outbreak of madness came as an Egyptian-brokered six-month truce ran out on the 19th of December.

And though that needn't have meant immediate breakdown, somehow you knew it would.

It's like the warranty on a fridge expiring.

Yes, it might just be 24 hours later, and your fridge may have been working perfectly well yesterday, but deep down you know that fridge is going to explode.

And now France has been trying to negotiate a 48-hour ceasefire.

48?

That is aiming low.

Even this 48-hour proposal failed.

Ehud Olmer rejected the proposal saying conditions were not right for a ceasefire.

What conditions is he talking about, Andy?

Will those be the conditions of whether he wants a ceasefire or not?

Call me an old-fashioned hippie, but any time is a good time for a ceasefire, being as how it ceases people from firing things.

Also, Sarkozy, the French president, he said it is France's duty to look everywhere for the roadmap towards peace.

And there's a problem with roadmaps to peace, John.

They are always in the last place you look.

Also, previous roadmaps have proved to be cartographically inept.

And in fact, I once borrowed a roadmap off a guy who'd been involved in the Middle East peace process.

And I was trying to drive from London to see my parents in Tunbridge Wells, about 30 miles away.

And I ended up parked outside a hardware store near Beirut, firing a water pistol at a school bus.

They should try GPS towards peace.

Although that would probably be even worse because they cease to take responsibility for where they're going.

The Gaza Strip has continued its unique position of being both the most and the least desired real estate on the planet.

You think it's hard shifting a property in the current climate?

Try shifting a three-bedroom anywhere within a rocket's flight of Gaza.

It is, to put it offensively mildly, a buyer's market.

Well, it's a lively area.

Ripe for renovation.

You know, characterful, bustling community.

That's right.

Big night life.

Hamas leaders have urged Palestinians to observe a day of wrath after seven days of violence in Gaza.

Well, well done.

We could add that to the pile of helpful responses to this situation.

The only hope is that they misspoke, Andy, and they actually wanted to declare a day of thunder in response.

That being a day when everyone watches non-stop showings of the Tom Cruise Nicole Kidman Stock Car Classic Days of Thunder.

I thought it was a good movie.

Oh, really?

I'll take your word for that one, John.

As someone who's been in a good movie.

You haven't seen it.

You haven't seen it.

Don't judge on the almost universal critical panning.

Don't judge on that, Andy.

When I do get to see John, which is, you know, disappointingly rare these days, I'd just like to be able to look you in the eye.

I was hoping I'd get a copy for Christmas, but...

Yeah.

You kept pulling Horace away from me.

Come away, boy.

Come away.

Anyway,

I'll watch it one day.

There was a real sense of urgency for Israel in taking this action, as whilst they know they can count on the Bush administration's support, they are supposedly less sure about Obama.

So these strikes had to take place before the 20th of January.

It's like a closing down sale of airstrikes, Andy.

Everything must go.

Of course, Bush had pledged to have a peace deal in the Middle East by the end of this year, which, incredibly, seems even more ridiculous now than when he first said it.

And it sounded breathtakingly ridiculous then.

And commentators have said that his final goal has now officially eluded him.

I'm not sure eluded is the right word.

Eluded comes up the idea that he actually got close, that it slipped through his fingertips.

I mean, that's like me, John.

My goal of winning the Brazilian Open Squash tournament last year, that eluded me as well.

It's very, very similar.

It happens to everyone.

It did.

It did, but you never really entered.

I guess that's the point.

Yeah.

And I don't have a racket.

And the last time I played squash, I disgraced the game and the English language.

A Republican update now, and it's a rebuilding time for the Republican National Committee who would acknowledge that once the Bush administration exits to the tune of six billion size of relief, they will need to take a long hard look at themselves.

In fact, before rebuilding, they may need to do a controlled detonation after a couple of stories came out over the holidays.

Because what better way, Andy, to show the world that you've learned from your mistakes as a party than a potential new party chairman sending out a CD of songs to supporters, including one titled, This Will Be a Good Time to Take a Sip of Water Now, Barack the the Magic Negro.

And now will be a good time to spit that mouthful of water everywhere.

The man in question is called Chip Saltzman.

That is extremely close to your name, Andy.

Is there anything you'd like to tell me?

Because I'll tell you one thing.

I've never seen you and Chip Saltzman in the same room.

I'm just going to assume that you're the same person until I see photographic evidence of the two of you together holding up a copy of the day's newspaper.

In which case, you should be ashamed of yourself, Andy.

Or Chip.

Which do you prefer, Chip?

But I've never published a CD of Christmas music John yeah so you say chip it was to puff the magic dragon right the lyrics went barak the magic negro lives in dc the la times they called him that because he's not authentic like me that doesn't even scan rhythmically are the guy for that's not my main problem with that though let me go on record as saying that the pentameter of that was not the key issue ah the guy from the la paper says he makes guilty whites feel good they'll vote for him and not for me because he's not from the hood hilarious andy bit of harmful fun.

This is recoverable, RNC.

Just simply condemn this and move on.

What you absolutely mustn't do is support what he's done.

Oh, too late.

In fact, a number of RNC members have said this might actually help him in his bid to become chairman.

Oh, Republicans, sure as winter becomes spring and spring becomes summer, your slapstick moralising and general douchebaggery will grow.

But perhaps their defence would be, John, that Negro in this case is an acronym for new and excellent great Republican opponents.

Let's assume the best at this Goodwill time of year.

Well, that is the most realistic response I've yet heard from it, Andy.

Or should I say, chip?

John, it's inevitable at Christmas that things do slip through the nets, or in this case, slip through a lot of nets.

Almost like the fisherman didn't actually want to catch it.

But it does seem that this could have been stopped at one of the many stages of the story.

Whether the person who first wrote the song could have just hummed it to himself and thought, I'm going to have to keep that one inside inside my head.

Or the person who he first played it to could have said to him, well, yeah, I mean, I see what you're trying to do, but I just think this is the 21st century.

Maybe the person who suggested recording it could have thought, I know it sounds funny at the time amongst us Republicans, but I see in the wider public it might be frowned upon.

The musicians hard to play backing for it could have said, hang on, are those supposed to be the lyrics?

Someone in that recording studio could have been, maybe said, do you want a bit less on the vocals for this one?

Why don't we make it an instrumental one?

Take three.

Is there nothing else that will fit into that rhythm?

Sorry, we wanted to go with Afro-Caribbean, but it just doesn't fit.

And anyway, we're saying he's magic, so surely that balances it out.

And then, you know, maybe whoever was asked whether they thought it was a good idea to send it out as part of a Christmas CD could have said, it's not a good idea.

And then whoever was actually asked to package the CDs up and post them could have said, hang on, it says here on the back, track one is called Barak the Magic Negro.

That must be a misprint.

Are we going to have to have these done again?

Oh, you do want me to post them.

So, you know, there are a lot of steps this could have been stopped at, John On it, but it's Christmas.

That's the excuse, isn't it?

We all know Christmas music is bad.

This is just bad in a different way.

Ah, it's Christmas is also better than most of the excuses they've been coming up with.

Ah, it's Christmas.

Christmas is a racist time of year, is it?

We all have our family traditions.

And when they weren't supporting their potential new racist chairman, Republicans were lining up to criticise their two-term commander-in-chief.

Republican Party officials are going to try next month to pass a resolution accusing Bush and congressional Republican leaders of embracing socialism.

Wow.

He has even pissed off his own party base now.

His work here is nearly done.

And now, like an anti-littlist hobo, he could walk off into the sunset knowing that this was another job terribly done.

He's just like the littlest hobo, Andy, except leaving shattered families and children stuck down wells in his wake.

John, it's not just the RNC who have been making some absolutely crazy suggestions.

It's the entire population of Russia who have voted that Joseph Stalin is the third greatest Russian of all time.

That doesn't sound any better hearing it out loud.

He's on the podium, John, and he needs to piss in a bottle because he shouldn't be there.

It is impressive to end up on the podium at all after you've killed millions upon millions of the relatives of people voting for you.

That's an admirable result.

We always tend to look for the negatives, John, and in uh Joseph Stalin's case we don't have to look too hard, really the negatives are pretty much smashing us in the face with a history book.

I guess, John, to our Western tastes, Stalin was a bit of a tool.

And apart from helping us win the war through his clever use of the traditional Russian two-pronged military tactic of overwhelming population and winter.

But the Russians clearly abide by the treat-them mean, keep them keen philosophy of politics.

This same poll also showed that 65% of Russians think that Siberian labour camps were actually quite fun in retrospect.

54% wouldn't mind being purged if they'd written a poem or raised the wrong kind of eyebrow or something.

And 71% of Russians think that that having a massive moustache excuses genocidal tendencies.

I think what this proves, John, is that Russia as a nation drinks too much vodka.

They've been drinking to forget and they have now successfully forgotten.

This was all set up by a Russian TV station and Joseph Stalin in fact led the way for several months and eventually the show's producer had to come on air to appeal to people to stop voting for him and to vote for someone else and it did just about work because Stalin ended up coming in third behind the winner medieval Prince Alexander Nevsky, and in silver, ex-Prime Minister Pyotr Stolypin, which is beautifully pronounced.

By the way, I don't think anyone can disagree.

That is exactly how it's supposed to sound.

I think it's supposed to sound Pyotr Stolypin.

That's good.

Now, this would be a perfect time for a simile.

Voting for Stalin is like voting for...

But no, there isn't one, because let's remember, he's the biggest mass murderer in human history.

And as he was sending people to gulags, signing death warrants and forcing the collectivisation of farms, I wonder if he was thinking, this could be a real vote winner in around 60 years.

I'm going to be captain popular.

Who's your favourite Russian of all time, John?

Hard to say, Andy.

I've got a soft spot for Dostoevsky.

That man knew his way around long-winded misery.

I love him.

What about you?

Who put you put as your number one?

Well, Bubka?

Oh, no, Bubka's up there, certainly.

In terms of breaking pole vault records by one centimetre at a time, there's never been anyone better at it.

You know, you can't look past Peter the Great.

I mean, he's a man who put dwarves in cakes.

That instantly puts him top of the list.

That knows no nationality.

That's just Peter the unbelievably great.

Bugle feature section now, and it's time for the annual preview of the year.

This year, the featured year is this year, 2009.

Well, what a year it's been so far.

Frankly, you're a bit of a novice when it comes to 2009.

As we record this, I over here have had five hours more 2009 than you have.

So don't you f ⁇ ing tell me what kind of year it's been so far.

I've been living it for 15% longer than you.

It's my year.

Get out of it.

Anything interesting coming up in the next five hours?

Should I jump out the way of a kind of careering out of control truck or anything?

No, but I can tell you that if you live the same five hours that I've lived this morning, you will be disappointed by how much London Transport has put up the price of a travel card.

£5.90 to £6.30.

That is a gigantic new year right off to passengers.

And also, they will justify this by not running any f ⁇ ing trains on the way here.

Anyway.

So in terms of what we're looking forward to over the year ahead, Andy, Rod Plugojevich losing his position as governor of Illinois.

I think he's going to be sent to jail, although he will strenuously deny that that has happened.

And the people of Illinois will elect O.J.

Simpson to be their new governor.

They just love a bad lad.

In the world of sport, I think Plaxco Boresh is going to shoot himself in the other leg with an 18th century French cannon that...

he carries into a nightclub in his Bermuda shorts.

In politics, Gordon Brown, John, he's already Britain's most popular Prime Minister since Tony Blair.

And I think he'll continue on an upwards curve as the economy sinks further and further into the mire.

Because as we discussed before, Brown's popularity has soared the worst things I've got.

This soaring is relative.

He's kind of soared like a punted penguin.

It's really just a question of whether when he kicks the penguin, he's got enough

spiral on the torpedo kick to keep it flying upwards until election.

I don't like it, Andy.

I don't like the image.

He'd never kick a penguin.

I like them, but those flightless people aren't.

John, in politics, you do what you have to.

No I'm distancing myself from that joke and be well that's why you'll never be prime minister and Brown has had the balls to kick a penguin and that's what he knows he's a hard nose operator and that's what people have respected the facts that at a difficult time he picked up a penguin and he whacked it.

Shame on you.

In other future news, President Obama will completely fail to bring peace to the Middle East, completely fail to solve the global economic crisis and completely fail to reverse global warming in his first 30 days, leading to America wondering what all the fuss was about.

Well, I guess in US politics, John, 2009 means only one thing, that it's under four years until the 2012 presidential campaign.

Who's your money on, John?

It depends if you go for an emotional cover bet, Andy.

Right.

Because obviously you don't want Palin to run, get the candidacy or the presidency in any form.

So it's just whether you want to put money on that to pay for your ticket out of the country if it happens.

Right.

That sounds racist, John.

You just don't like her because she's white.

My money's on John McCain.

I think third time lucky, and he's going to have Bristol's palin as his running mate.

Also, 2009 is going to be the year in which Hugo Chavez turns against himself as a whore of America after accidentally going a whole week without slagging off the USA when he got a cold, spent a couple of days in bed and then got engrossed in a really good novel.

Chavez will then hound himself out of office in a bloodless coup, replacing himself as president with himself and then prosecuting himself for insufficient America baiting, now a federal offence under Venezuela Act law.

President Bush's presidential library plans will be revealed this year.

It will be one empty room other than a lazy boy in a giant plasma screen showing non-stop ESPN.

Truly, he was the people's president.

It's going to be a tough year for the world economy again, John.

After so many banks collapsed in 2008, I think there'll probably be quite a lot of new ones sprouting up this year.

And I'm hoping to set up a Bugle bank with a Bugle discredit card, which you can use to lampoon any retailer who accepts it.

I think I've got a few tips for how the world's economy can get back on track in 2009.

Well, interest rates plummeting now.

I think this could be the time for people to take up roulette.

The odds are similar to leaving money in the bank, but it's more fun and easy to impress girls and/or boys by sticking your pocket money on 17 than it is to tell them about the free sports holder you got for opening a low-interest current account.

So, take up roulette.

There's a number of investment opportunities in this credit crunch.

Cheese companies, I think you should invest in them because cheese always sells well in tough times as people seek to give themselves nightmares to make the days seem more bearable.

So, the stronger the better, the bugle tip is go blue.

Hardcore blue cheeses are set to be the go-to pre-bedtime snack in 09.

Also, buy beer shares.

The beer industry is going to be buoyed by the no wine in 09 advertising campaign.

And beer sales will rocket as people have even less to live for.

But make sure you sell your beer shares before the year end when the wine industry hits back with, don't drink beer, 2010 is here.

So, those are those that's where you should put your money this year.

Whilst in literature in 2009, the key event of the year is going going to be the eagerly awaited publication of Donald Rumsfeld's book, The Publishing Event of the Year, Can the Hard-Nosed, Icy-Souled, Four-Time Shyster of the Year Make the Transition to Chick-Lit?

The former Hawkis Defense Secretary's debut novel, High Heels and Handbags, described by publishers as a single woman's journey to retail equilibrium, is set to split the crowd and critics alike.

And also, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian leader, is releasing a children's book called Dickie Dinosaur and the Great Satan.

It's New Year, John, and therefore it's also time for the Bugle New Year's honours for 2009.

We'll be dispensing the Bugle Knighthoods and with it the right to demand a joke on demand in a personal podcast from one or both of me and John.

And the knighthoods go to the following people.

George W.

Bush is now Sir George W.

Bush in the Bugle for having the dignity and grace to acknowledge that global public opinion has finally turned against him and to step down with dignity after eight long years in the job.

Also a knighthood to Mickey Dolans, the former monkeys drummer and no-time Augusta Masters golf champion.

He gets his knighthood for not acting like Robert McGarby.

Well done, he's an inspiration to Robert McGarby.

And finally cyclist Sir Chris Hoy also receives a Bugle knighthood to add to his real knighthood for services to cycling fing fast around a banked indoor track.

John, in this day and age, someone has to do it and that someone is him.

Arise, Sir Sir Chris Hoy.

He was understandably overwhelmed by being made a knight of the realm.

He's pledged to do whatever he can and that whenever the Queen requires someone to cycle fast around a banked indoor track in Britain or indeed anywhere else in the British Empire, he will be that man.

He will do his damnedest to do his bit for the nation.

And at a special press conference on New Year's Day, Sir Chris, surrounded by the private militia, which he is now entitled to as a knight, said, I know knights have special powers.

Some, like Sir Walter Raleigh, discover potatoes and tobacco, or as we know them today, chips and cigarettes, bringing valuable revenue to the treasury and important work to the NHS.

Others, like Sir Winston Churchill, beat evil fascist regimes in wars wars and save the democratic world whilst smoking big cigars and getting hammered every night.

But I, Sir Chris Hoy of Hoyland, will cycle fast around a banked indoor track wherever and whenever my nation needs, requires, or just wants me to do so.

I just hope the massive new fur-lined robes I have to wear as a night don't create too much wind resistance and affect the cyclodynamism of my carefully calibrated bike.

Anyway, God save the Queen.

I would happily wrap myself around her crankset should she ever snap the royal bicycle chain whilst doing a wheelie at Sandringham to entertain Prince William.

For I am a knight of the Velotrome, and without wanting to be velodramatic about it, I can cycle

faster around a banked-indo track than any of you further.

Wrapping himself around her crank set.

That really does sound like a euphemism, Andy.

It's not, John.

It's just the standard part of bicycle terminology.

Your emails now, and an email comes in here, Andy, from Patrick Shannon.

Andy, he says, Dear Oliver the damned and Zaltman the glorious.

Yes!

Bingo!

Double tops.

That was a good result for you, Andy, and bad loss for me.

Although he spelled damned, D-A-M-M-E-D.

So that suggests that you are going to be used as a hydroelectric power resource.

He goes on to say, I just want to tell you for a start, it's pronounced Merry Christmas, not Happy Christmas, for f' s sake, pronounce it right.

Also, I have to nominate the American flag as a hottie from history.

It has a long and proud history and is by far the greatest flag flag ever conceived by man.

Has been copied by countries like Liberia, Chile, Malaysia, and a shitload of other countries, none that I can name, without being guaranteed a one-way ticket to hell.

Also, I have to say, the spelling in this so far is absolutely reprehensible.

And he says, in fact, even the UK copied our colours, even though you must say that it makes no sense, trust me, it makes sense.

Sincerely, Patrick Shannon, P.S., I swear to God, if you don't do the Hotties from History roundup, I will find both of you and kill you.

Well, the news for you, Patrick, is once again bad news for you, and it sounds like even worse news for us.

We don't have time, we've overrun already.

Next week, we're going to move the Hotties from History into a feature section, which will encourage us not to keep bumping it when we overrun.

So, next week will be the Hotties from History feature to close it.

So, Patrick, please give us a stay of execution for seven days.

Come, have a heart, Patrick.

It's new year.

Thank you, all of those who sent in congratulations and good wishes to my new baby, including this from Anne Anderson, who writes cooking tips.

What?

The placenta went in the bin, Andy, with a little forethought, some canned marinara sauce, and a complete lack of human decency.

You really could have saved yourself some shopping and greeted your lovely wife with a home-cooked meal from this selection of recipes.

And there's a link to a selection of placenta recipes on the internet.

Remember, if you attempt the placenta spaghetti bolognese, be sure not to overheat the butter in which to brown the placental meat, or it will burn and make the whole dish less appetising.

Also, try not to get one of the membranes or a big undercooked vein stuck between your teeth.

Will you please stop it?

And she concludes, John, if Andy ever invites you over for mock liver and onions, say no.

Done and done.

So do keep your emails and hotties coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And brace yourselves for next week, Hotties from History Feature Section 2009.

Mercy, Patrick, please, mercy.

Sport now, and two massive highlights in the world of sport.

Firstly, Australia getting absolutely pumped at cricket.

Losing a series at home for the first time in 16 years

to the joy of everyone who likes cricket and is not Australian.

Albeit that is slightly tempered by the fact that it was South Africa who beat them.

Great days for cricket.

Much more important than that.

Much more important than that in terms of...

Much more important.

There is a genuine landmark.

Well, it's one of the great achievements in the whole of sport.

The Detroit Lions have done it.

They did it.

Owen 16, the first time.

Miami, shame on you.

Your pitiful 1-15 efforts will now be lost to history.

0-16.

They said it couldn't be done.

They said it shouldn't be done to a city on the edge of complete economic meltdown.

They were wrong, Andy.

Well, what an achievement this is, John.

It took months of preparation, intensive effort and tactical self-harm to achieve this.

Studying opposition plays and making sure they did absolutely nothing to stop them, deliberately dropping key balls or running straight off the field, just doing everything in their power to minimise the chances of a win.

You know, they blindfolded their own quarterback in one game, they poisoned their defensive lines half-time ice cream in a game where they were leading at halftime.

And also, one stage when it looked like they might sneak a victory, they brought on a 1930s green leather Chesterfield sofa as running back.

And also, there were rumours that their own players had taken little yellow flags and were throwing flags on their own plays and penalising themselves.

But they did it, John.

They did it for us.

They did it for the people of Detroit who are suffering so badly to realise that, yes, their local economy might be going down the pan, but it's still better than their football team.

They have reached for the stars, John, and they've burnt their fingers off in a supernova of ineptitude.

An inspiration to the world, to you, to me.

It's just great that...

John, if you, me, and a collection of our British friends who have never played American football got together, we could and almost certainly would have ended the NFL season with the same record as a professional team.

That is inspiring.

Just time for the Bugle forecasts and the forecast is, John, by this time next week, will either of these two things have happened?

A peace in the Middle East?

Yes or no?

No.

No?

Well that is actually the bookie's favourite.

And will Patrick Shannon have tracked us down and killed us by not doing the hotties round up this week?

Well, I want to say 100% no, Andy, but you know, I read that email.

There's latent fury in it.

Now, there is occasional misspelling of a psychotic.

There's certainly the lack of punctuation of someone who is prepared to take life.

I just think it's easy.

If it was in green pen, we'd be worried.

Just because it's come in an email doesn't mean we're...

I think there's false complacency here.

Well, buglers, we hope we're still alive to talk to you next week.

If not, you'll be hearing issue one of Patrick Shannon's The Bugle.

podcast with a vengeance

bye-bye

cheerio and happy new year

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.