Oil Prices, recession & inflation but what do the G8 do? Have an 18 course meal

The Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world

hello buglers and welcome to issue 36 of the Bugle the world's only and best audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday the 14th of July 2008 which means the 14th of July it's Bastille Day so later in the show we will be ceremonially decapitating one of our French listeners.

This edition of the bugle is dedicated also to the memory of Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother who sadly died last week aged 107 due to complications arising from injuries sustained in a motorcycle joust on the A21 outside Tunbridge Wells.

The former professional matriarch faked her own death in 2002 to bring an end to constant media speculation about when she would die, and has spent most of the last six years heading up a biker gang in Sussex, a childhood dream that only now she's had the chance to fulfil.

Convinced of her own immortality, the Queen Mother became increasingly daring and passed away after being knocked off a 750cc Suzuki by a man dressed as Henry VIII, riding a soup-tucked Vespa Piaggio.

But it's the way she would have wanted to go.

I mean after all it's the way her husband went back in 1952.

So I'm Andy Zoltzman here in London and also in London, John Oliver.

Hello Buglers!

Hello Andy, well it's great to be in the UK.

Is it great to be in the UK?

Well clearly isn't that great because you're pissing right back to America.

Yeah I want to go back.

I'm going back Andy.

I'm tired with this irrelevant little pip squeak of an island.

I'm going back to the greatest country in the world.

I can't wait to get back to the United States Andy for many reasons.

Partly that I've missed so much there in the last two weeks.

Politics here is a morass of bleating and whining.

I've missed Jesse Jackson caught on microphone by Fox News, cleverly not turning his microphone off, saying that he thought Obama was talking down to black people and that he wanted to cut his nuts off.

The last thing he needs as leader of the world's free nation is a young child.

So by cutting off Obama's nuts, he's really doing America and hence the rest of the world a favour.

He'd also be the first presidential eunuch since Taft.

Yep, little no balls Taft as they call this.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin.

This week in the bin, a special audio pest deterrence for the summer.

If you have foxes in your garden wazzing on your lobelias, play this one.

If, on the other hand, you've got zebras grazing on your lawn while you're trying to have a picnic, try this.

Or maybe you've got next door kids sneaking into your swimming pool, in which case, try this one.

Or maybe you've got Donald rumsfeldt rummaging around in your bins in which case play this

top story this week and the g8 summit well in the two weeks that we've been away buglers the g8 have held another summit this time in japan and they they convened this summit like they convene all of their meetings by projecting the silhouette of a chaffinch into the night sky and dropping what they're doing to run and combine the eight pieces of a single magic amulet which they each wear on a chain around their neck i'm pretty sure that's how they call it andy i can't fathom how else they can organize something with such huge logistical problems that's the only way you can do it and on such short notice as well exactly so is the world sorted out now is everything going to be fine Well, yes and no, in that yes, it is not sorted out and no, it isn't going to be be fine.

But at least the summit did go off without any horrible camera catching protesting and they achieved this through 21,000 police officers, Andy, at a cost of $280 million with the result of two arrests.

That is $140 million per arrest.

They had better make those charges stick.

And to both of them.

You don't want to put all that money onto one conviction.

You're entering OJ territory there.

It turns out that the G8s have been a bit naughty with fulfilling their aid pledges that they made at Glen Eagles three years ago, John.

It's not so much the actual aid, but the pledging that counts.

You know, it's really the thought that's the most important thing there.

And as long as Africa knows that we mean to give a shit, it doesn't really matter to them that we don't actually give a shit.

Yeah.

And we Brits, we have fulfilled.

We're one of the few countries that have fulfilled our promises.

So I think it is probably time for us to have another go at the Empire.

Yeah.

That seems only fair.

Well, that's just maths.

But yeah.

Let's take a look quickly at what the summit actually did achieve.

They announced plans to halve global emissions by 2050.

I mean that actually sounds pretty good but you're right again because we need we need to be careful here.

These plans of theirs can be very much like the plans of a 10-year-old.

Oh I'm planning to be an astronaut.

Then I plan to win the Super Bowl and then I plan to eat all the ice cream in the world.

When you know there's no way that lazy little shit is going to get off his 10-year-old ass and bother achieving even one of those.

And the summit ended with a shared vision on climate change.

But what was that vision, Andy?

Was it a vision of men in suits staring awkwardly at their shoes and mumbling something about polar bears?

And this shared vision involved absolutely no concrete plan of agreement over action whatsoever, merely an acknowledgement that they all agreed that there was a problem with climate change.

It's like a group of vets standing over a badger they've just run over in their van and agreeing that yes, he had been run over and that yes, someone should definitely do something about this.

Before calling a press conference to excitedly announce how they all concur on the seriousness of the Badger situation, as in the background, the Badger dies.

GA also discussed rising food prices, which are, of course, affecting all of us across the world in different ways.

Some of us are having to spend a little bit more on groceries and a little bit less on the luxuries of life, like plasma screen televisions.

And I mean, the real ones, John, with human plasma.

Yes, to get a better quality of picture.

It's crystal clear.

It's also useful in emergencies.

They're not cheap, but they'll come down in price and they get more popular.

They will.

Gordon Brown has made a controversial claim that we shouldn't waste food.

He said that wasted food costs the average family £420 extra a year.

And really, he's right.

It is the government's job to decide how much money families should have to spend extra a year without really noticing.

That's a basic tenet of modern democracy.

But my grandparents lived through rationing in the war.

Yeah, just.

And they saw off the Nazis.

Hold on, not single-handedly.

That's a hell of a claim, Andy.

Well, they don't.

Grandpa and Granny's Ottoman.

I bet it.

They saw off the Nazis by eating powdered eggs and badger nuggets.

It seems the very least I can do to honour our greatest generation by buying more than I need and chucking it away because I feel like a takeaway.

Otherwise, John, we might as well dig Hitler up, gaffer tape him to Big Ben, and tattoo a swastika on the Queen's ass.

Not only did you say that we should stop wasting food, he also announced that the government will be urging supermarkets to drop their three for two offers, which encourage overconsumption and wastage.

All fair and important points, Andy, but somewhat diluted by the news that the G8 leaders had sat down that night to an 18-course meal washed down with wines flown in from Europe and the US.

It's like the old, old saying, Andy, don't lecture people about over-consuming food and then go have a 19-course dinner.

And of course, they didn't do that.

What they did have, though was an 18 course dinner.

And maybe they could have shaved a few courses off that just for the sake of the moral high ground.

Obviously they need to eat.

I know that.

Could they not have stopped at a massive nine courses?

Just try and keep it under double figures.

I mean I'm scanning the menu now.

Maybe lose the

hairy crab bisque soup because they've already had the boiled clam tomato and Shizo and jellied clam soup.

You know, you've had a soup.

These guys need all the brain food they can get.

And you know, eating food like this, that kind of provokes a kind of sideways thought and you know they have kind of different interesting combinations of foods and maybe that helps their political thought have you know different interesting combinations of policies and so they have to keep having more and more courses until they get the solution you're only saying that because you would like to have had some of that dinner I would like to have had that dinner you know they could have you're saying they shouldn't have held off on the milk-fed lamb flavoured with herbs and mustard because just six courses ago they'd had the roast lamb with black truffle and they at that point were starting to take the piss

I agree it can appear insensitive to eat an 18 course meal while there are literally millions and millions and millions of people starving to death in the world.

I think at the very least they should have had some of those courses served by airdrop It would have looked like they cared if they'd had their confused lobster meringue with an aggression of caviar served on a 10-poster bed of triffid petals.

If it had been server being dumped out the back of a remote remote control model aeroplane.

It's all about PR.

At least they made these pronouncements before dinner and not during it.

And I do think that was wise.

There's no doubt that as a whole the summit was disappointing, occasionally pathetic and instantly forgettable.

But there was a staggering moment at the end.

At least an incredible anecdote was provided from this in that Bush apparently surprised the other world leaders at the end of this summit during a private meeting by closing out that private meeting with the words, and this is true.

Goodbye, then, from the world's biggest polluter.

He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present, including Gordon Brown and Sarkozy, looked on in shock.

Impending global conflict news now, and Iran has fired a rocket at Israel.

Well, it hasn't, but it's shown that it could do by testing out some rockets.

I think rockets makes it sound slightly less sinister than missiles.

Really?

Yeah.

Why?

Fire a rocket.

I suppose it does.

I suppose you're probably right.

That sounds more like a firework, doesn't it?

Or the kind of thing that you build at weekends if you're unhappy with your wife.

Oh, that's what missiles are, basically, just fireworks.

Yeah.

We get basically the same reaction.

Just maybe a slightly more fearful ooh than you get with fireworks.

I'll kind of object to the surprise that's greeted this event because we all should have seen this coming.

When you realise that Iran haven't pissed the world off for a while, you know that they've got something brewing.

The international community were up in arms over Iran testing a long-range missile which had the capability of reaching Tel Aviv.

And it was that last sentence which really made the world take notice.

Apparently it can reach Israel.

But we also have to understand that this is pretty much the selling point for almost anything in the Middle East now, whether or not something can reach Israel.

Property, or this is a beautiful three-bed property with a balcony from where you can reach Israel, if you know what I mean.

Cars,

this car's miles per gallon mean that it could reach Israel on a single tank.

It's also a way of working out distance.

Is it far to the swimming pool?

No, not too far.

Just two hundredths of the distance from here to Israel as the missile flight.

As a Jewish human being, and how does this make you feel, this impending annihilation?

Well, I don't really see it as that, John.

You've got to take it as a compliment, you know.

Whenever

any adversary starts, you know, giving you a bit of verbal or a bit of, you know, missile testing, then, you know, it shows that they're afraid of you and they they they respect you you know it just shows that we jews are getting it right i think we'd be worried if no one was threatening to bomb the land that was probably there's nothing worse than being irrelevant yeah who's threatening to bomb luxembourg the the key word here though is that these were staged missile tests you know there was supposed to be an international audience for this that's what it was for iran are currently at the forefront of experimental theatre and this was just another of their site-specific productions and i have to say it is a welcome move on from their last production which was a modern-day interpretation of the importance of being earnest, with the part of Algernon Moncrief being played by a nuclear warhead, reviewed in the Tehran Times as an explosive kabuki.

These missiles were fired during war games, and of course, there are concerns that those games can often be a gateway drug into actual wars.

And if we learn one thing from the classic 1983 movie War Games, Andy, it's not only that a young Matthew Broderick is the only person capable of saving the planet, but that these things can escalate quickly out of control.

That and the fact that a game of knots and crosses is the only way to teach computers the concept of futility.

Does Broderick still have that power?

Of course he does.

And if so, why has he not used it?

Well, hold on a second, Andy.

He's more like a benign god, Broderick.

He likes to give humanity the freedom that he has offered them.

Right.

And he'll step in if things get a little too fiery.

So I'm just saying, spoiler alert, don't be surprised if you see Matthew Broderick providing a helping hand over the next decade.

Okay.

Apparently Iran doctored a photo of the missile launch to suggest that four rockets had gone off rather than three and apparently the fourth one never left its launcher.

John, it's great hope for the world that Iran basically doesn't have to make weapons anymore.

It can just make pictures.

of weapons and email those pictures to reach Israel.

If you're going to Photoshop stuff, you could make it a lot more entertaining than that and and you'll have it coming out of a man's mouth.

Yeah.

Just a guy firing it out of his mouth.

Well, hopefully, they'll get more ambitious as they learn to use the software.

The US won't rule out force to dissuade Iran from doing something like this again, saying it is an option that's on the table, but a last resort.

It is the dessert of tactics, Andy, in dealing with the Middle East.

However, as we know from recent history, America is a fan of the dessert,

often liking to eat that dessert first and then have another dessert to follow.

In fact, they've proven that they can simply work their way through the dessert trolley before asking for the check.

Bugle feature section and terrorism update.

Some positive hostage news first, and it's been a long time since you've been able to say that.

And FARC, the 44-year-old Colombian revolutionary group, has got egg on its balaclavered face.

After the audacious rescue of Ingrid Bettencourt

and 14 other hostages.

A secret plan was hatched involving men dressed as FARC members convincing their captors to allow them to be moved to another FARC encampment deeper in the forest.

So they just loaded the hostages onto the helicopter and flew away.

Andy, this was not a good result for FARC.

Letting your hostages get away without a single shot being fired.

Basically waving to them as they left in the helicopter.

That is three Stooges terrorism.

They're a pretty big group, FARC, and they got a lot of hostages.

It's a very complex.

I don't know if you've ever tried to keep several hundred hostages in a jungle, but logistically, it's tricky.

Yeah.

You're saying this with a really alarming bass note of authority.

Yeah,

I went to public school.

And to American listeners, that is posh school.

Yeah.

Public school in America is normal school.

I went to normal school.

Right.

But you went to posh school.

Private school.

Private school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the odd administrative error is bound to happen.

You know.

I just hope FARC go easy on the guy responsible.

I do slightly assume that whoever was in charge of this when it happened has now himself been taken hostage.

And in other terrorist news now, American President George W.

Bush has signed a bill removing Nelson Mandela from the US terror watch list.

And he just signed that bill.

That should be pointed out.

That is just now.

Yeah.

Now, I think, I think, fair enough.

You got to do background checks.

And these things do take time.

You've got to do your research.

Well, I think they've made a big mistake here, Andy.

Now, he was listed as a terrorist from his time with the ANC, and rightly so.

Rightly so.

He needed to prove to the world that he was no longer a threat.

And many of the world, myself included, Andy, believe that we've done this too soon.

Right, yeah.

This has fallen straight into his trap.

This is a great chance for him to commit the terrorism that he must have spent the whole time in jail planning.

Thankfully, the US monitored him all this time because, in many ways, it would have been the perfect plan.

Become democratic elected leader of your country, win a Nobel Peace Prize, turn 90 years old, get invited to America, and boom, it is that easy.

But I guess from the American perspective, you know, they would have found out that Mandela spent 27 years in jail.

That's got to raise question marks about the man's character.

And not just in any jail, a really high-security one, John.

So they clearly had to

tread very carefully.

And no one can push that message of peace and racial harmony so strongly without having an ulterior motive.

He should thank himself lucky he wasn't sent to their free holiday camp in the corner of Cuba.

But the reason he has tipped over into the safe category is actually

a physical one.

He's no longer, they reckon he's no longer physically capable of

doing any terror because he hurt his ankle after falling over during a game of air hockey.

Bullshit.

There's no way.

It'll be like that start first scene in Willy Wonka as Gene Wilder comes out, looks old, then he does a somersault and he's fine.

You wait.

Go ahead.

You wait.

Mandela's in the South African Olympic gymnastic team.

Is he?

That is a gymnastics competition that I will now be watching.

Some people say he's got through just because of his contacts.

Well, let's let him prove that on the beam.

I, for one, would love Mandela to prove his detractors won.

Apparently.

On the beam, John.

On the beam.

Well, you're saying he's not only in the gymnastics team, but he's also a woman.

Do men not do the beam?

They don't do the beam.

Why?

Why don't they not do the beam?

Because they do those things.

The ring rings, the ring things.

But why don't they do the beam?

They fear the beam.

It's girly.

It's girly.

It's not girly.

The gymnastics is girly.

You're splitting hairs there.

You say it's girly

when you're holding yourself on rings in a crucifix position.

Yeah, but they're wearing spandex basically at the time.

Good point.

Your emails now.

And thanks very much for the emails that have been coming in over the last two weeks.

There have been some beauties.

There's one here on the subject of Independence Day from Horatio L.

Gurz.

In response, Andy, to you and I revealing that neither of us recognised Independence Day.

And I don't know what is, but people should take that as a compliment.

Independent what?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Good point.

Dear John and that other guy, good stars.

He goes on to say, you are the reason why we dumped all of your precious tea tea into the Boston harbour, thus creating the first amusement park, Sun Brewed Tea Land, motto, now with more lobster.

Good start to an email.

That's not all that Massachusetts has dumped into the bay after your tea Bostonians have added to the ocean kettle, countless jars of British-made marmalade, the ocean liner Titanic, whole teams of Red Sox and pieces of Morrissey's career.

Whoa!

But back to you, you, plural, or y'all, as we say in my home state of Texas, know little about American geography.

There are 52 and a fifth, not 13 states.

What?

Guam, Puerto Rico and Washington, D.C.

count as three-fifths of a state each.

Texas counts as two.

It's that big.

Superb.

Not that we're compensating for anything, he says.

Texas was never a British colony and has never enjoyed tea.

Thusly, our independence is due not to the deranged stool samples and clock-fiddling habits of King George III, but to the fighting and heroic men and women who died so bravely and lost so quickly at the Alamo.

Stop unbelieving in our independence or we'll just take away Britney Spears and our pancake-wrapped breakfast sausages.

Believe or we will turn our back on you.

Independently yours, Horatio.

Big cool.

Has that changed your mind?

No, but it's...

Give me a little bit more respect for the U.S.

independence movement, but I still think it's wrong.

Yeah, I agree.

This email comes from Nicholas Benyo

on the subject of Second Amendment outrage.

He writes, Uh-oh, it's another angry American.

Is there any other kind these days?

Two weeks ago, you brought up the Supreme Court ruling on handgun ownership, and I think you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, particularly you, John.

What?

You thought it was hilarious to claim that you used a gun to feed yourself in the morning.

That was a statement of fact.

Oh, that's quite the rib tickler, John.

Even worse, you claimed it was a 44-millimetre handgun.

Let's get one thing straight.

The metric system is for pussy.

We use the American system here, and you had to have meant a.45 caliber.

Oh, God, he's right.

A 45mm gun is a heavy artillery gun approximately 12 feet long.

It weighs over 1,200 pounds and has a muscle velocity of about 3,000 feet per second.

Surely even a circus strongman such as yourself, John, cannot hold a 1,200 pound gun one-handed while somehow stretching around around the end of the 12th of Barrel to feed yourself.

Even if you did, Josh, the sheer velocity of the breakfast burrito would have killed you instantly.

And you insulted America by making the mistake.

Surely you will do the right thing and take the time next issue to apologise.

Are you going to apologise?

Do you know what?

And I will apologize.

I've been called on that.

And yes, I will apologise to Nicholas and America, especially because I'm returning to America tomorrow and I'll be in America by the time the bugle goes out.

That's from NRA Gold member Nicholas Benya.

You may have just been bumped up to platinum.

Quick email here from Liam Gladi who says, hello guys.

Hello guys.

He says I just hit February 08's first podcast when you were talking about Rudy Giuliani's campaign still accepting donations.

So I figured I'd see if this was still the case and indeed it is.

You can still donate for Rudy Giuliani's presidential campaign.

Oh dear, Liam.

What do you mean, oh dear?

It's only right that you should still

be able to donate to Rudy's campaign.

He's a visionary man, Giuliani, who who ran possibly the worst presidential campaign in history and he should be rewarded for that after the fact.

He should.

And also, you know, if you were stupid enough to contribute to his campaign in the first place, presumably you're still stupid enough to contribute to it now.

Hotties from history now.

The phenomenon that has rocked the world to its very foundations.

This one comes in from Stephen Hayes in Southampton, England, who writes, Podfurs.

I don't think that's a title we want.

I don't think that's appropriate.

Speak for yourself, Andy.

He writes, Firstly, let me congratulate you on a fantastically satisfactory podcast.

Thank you so much.

Whoa, that's dabbing with fake praise.

Fantastically satisfactory.

I would like to propose a nomination for Hoddie from History, and this one follows with the geological theme as opined by Volcano Man.

My nomination has for millennia been a kind, generous, and supportive geological feature, allowing countless men to pass through her moist and voluptuous openings.

Although celebrated on numerous occasions in art, song, and story, my subject is not perfect.

Who is?

Instead, like all of us, it's her flaws that add to the attraction.

While on one side, her flanks are expansive and pure white, topped with lush and verdant greens, and dotted with settlements full of happy and contented souls, cheerily thwacking leather with willow.

Whoa, her other flank is squalid and sullen, festering with rat-like denizens and smelling faintly of cheese, the failure of socialism.

My kind of surrender.

I'm referring, of course, to the English Channel.

What?

What?

Since when do we accept bodies of water?

Well, he's picking up on that volcano.

Yeah, it's good.

It's good.

Although, technically, it does have to be dead to be a hottie from history.

Yeah, and the English channel.

The channel is more alive than ever.

So, gentlemen, I give you the English Channel.

Surely the ultimate hottie and wetty from history.

Godspeed her and all who sail on her.

That's uh excellent nomination and uh I really enjoy it.

Hotty and wetty from history.

But it has to be disqualified because it is still alive.

You're right.

You're right.

So good nomination, but nomination revoked.

And can we can we try and get the nominations human again?

Well you say that Andy, you say that.

Actually there was another nomination that came in this week.

Did Andy and John but mainly Andy, correct?

My nomination for hotties from history is my history teacher, Mrs.

Livesey.

She's the only reason I took up history in the first place.

But it may have been her weapons of mass destruction that made me fail.

Oh, dear.

I do not wish to give you my name, just in case she's listening.

It's Matthew Baldwin.

I think that's fair, Andrew.

I think that's fair.

I think that's fair.

He also very generously sent us a photo of him and his history teacher.

And there's no doubt she's a very attractive lady.

Although, it has to be said in the picture, an attractive teacher holding a bottle of Budweiser.

That's a kind of maverick way to teach history.

Obviously, she's still alive.

And also, let's say, let's cap it there in terms of hot history teachers.

Sport now, and Britain has finally won Wimbledon.

Well done.

Well done.

Albeit's junior Wimbledon, but in many ways that is actually the most important Wimbledon.

It's much more important.

Children of the future.

Well, it's like Christmas, isn't it?

It's always about the children more than the adults in terms of presents and Wimbledon's just the same.

That's right and so the winner was Laura Robson who has now the hopes of the entire country on her 14 year old's prepubescent shoulders.

Hopes that will almost certainly be dashed next year where she will be chastised and run out of the country as the greatest disappointment that Britain has ever had.

So the press have been getting into a real spin saying how it's very important that we don't put too much hope on her whilst doing exactly that.

And of course, I guess the biggest thing, Andy, is that we don't want her to win.

We want her to nearly win.

Yeah, that's it.

No one actually wants her to win Wimbledon.

No, because you know, we all still want Virginia Wide on our stamps.

In fact, we have a commemorative bugle pull-out on Laura Robson that unfortunately is now belatedly being put in the bin, including features such as, is Laura Robson proof that you can win at tennis without the unfair advantage of social deprivation?

And by what score would Britain's new tennis legend have beaten Roger Federer had he been a 14-year-old girl?

Football now, and during the off-season in the summer, transfer rumours have been hotting up as the new season approaches like a returning dragon to a village.

The latest on the rumour grapevine is that following all the rumours about Cristiano Ronaldo and Frank Lampard of Locomotive West London, there are rumours that new rumours will soon be at large about some of the Premiership's leading players.

Stephen Gerard, about whom there have been no rumours so far, is rumoured to be about to be the subject of a new rumour.

Whilst Arsenal's teenage sensation, Theo Walcott, is also reported to be on the verge of being involved in a major new rumour based on a rumour in an Italian newspaper.

So really exciting times for football rumours, John.

That's really what the game's all about these days.

Yep.

I don't know why they even need to play anymore.

Transfer gossip is really what football has become.

Golf, the Open Championship is happening this week.

And the question on everyone's lips is, can Tiger Woods win even without participating?

Is his psychological hold over his fellow professional dull-ards sufficient that he will take the claret jug at a range of 8,000 miles?

As Sergio Garcia is heading home on the final nine holes, John, surely there will be that nagging thought at the back of his mind that Tiger Woods could still beat him.

Meanwhile, Phil Mickelton, the American left-hander and self-proclaimed discoverer of penicillin, has claimed that he has already won the tournament.

He said at a press conference yesterday, I had a vision from the prophet Elijah.

He told me that I was already champion in the eyes of God.

And he also told me to keep my long irons low in the wind.

Good advice from Elijah.

Well, you know, very good advice.

That's Link's golf that Mickelson's never really come to terms with.

And now we have the section of the bugle, which was once in the dark, distant, but glorious historical times of the bugle, occupied by the audio cryptic crossword.

This week's replacement is a game of noughts and crosses, audio noughts and crosses that will take place.

Tic-tac-toe, that's tic-tac-to-tac-toe to our American listeners.

It will take place over the next nine editions of the bugle.

No, no, it won't.

No.

The first.

I've got the first go, and I'm putting my ex in the middle square.

Tune in next week.

Your John's response.

And finally the bugle forecast section and following the exciting discovery last week of a cure for wedgies, we will be...

What was that cure?

I'm just interested enough.

Just pull your kecs back down a bit.

We will be predicting what cures are going to be found this week, John.

I think there's going to be a cure for lactose intolerance.

Really?

Which will be just a chance to think about it too much and enjoy a yogurt every now and then.

I think there's going to be a cure for falling over and impaling yourself on a metal spike.

What's the cure for that?

The cure for that is all over body armour.

Well, thanks once again for listening to the Bugle.

Do keep your emails cascading into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk and we will be back next week.

I'm coming back, America.

Could you give me a lift from the airport?

On behalf of Britain, John, good riddance and f off.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.