George Bush: 'Regrets? I've had a few'

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 33 of the Bugle for the week, beginning Monday, the 16th of June, 2008, with me, Andy Zoltzmann, in London, the UK.

and in New York City it's John Oliver.

Hello buglers!

I attended Kaiju Japanese monster wrestling at Webster Hall in New York and let me tell you I cannot recommend it highly enough to you.

It was absolutely incredible.

I saw a monster who was and I quote half hamster half toucan

And he fought a Cycloptopus, which is, as its name suggests, half Cyclops, half ox.

It ended when the hamster toucan hybrid did a belly splash from the top turnbuckle onto the psychoptopus.

Keep your ballet, Andy, keep your opera, keep your high arts.

Until they have hamster toucan monsters, they're going to come up short for me.

To see adults put this much work into something so overwhelmingly stupid is truly life-affirming.

As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin this week.

A midsummer special section.

Now that the evenings will start shortening from the 21st of June with the dread inevitability of impending death, we ask, what is the point of living anymore?

Also, how to tell your children that you're a druid, and when is it right to start discussing the possibility of sacrificing your little ones with your partner?

Also, we have a commemorative audio reconstruction of one of the big stones at Stonehenge falling over during a midsummer sacrifice, as it might have done at some point in history.

Oh no, Tremlit's been squashed.

Bloody hell, that is the last time I'm sacrificing here.

This place has gone to shit since the Romans left.

And for our southern hemisphere listeners, a special midwinter section in the bin.

Why bother getting up in the morning when it's almost nighttime already?

And for our listeners on the equator, screw you losers!

You wouldn't know a season if it came right up to you and snowed on your head.

President Bush's European vacation news.

And President Bush has been in Europe for most of the last last week as his presidency approaches its last six months.

And this is a time for reflection, Andy.

It's the same for any of us when we come to the end of any job we've been involved in.

We look back at what we've done, what we leave behind us, how many pens we've stolen.

It's just the same for US presidents.

For Jimmy Carter, it was 15,000 pens.

It's just as well he only had one term.

They'd have had to dip into the National Stationery Reserve.

And if any British listeners are wondering why their BBC licence fee keeps going up, it is because John and I did once have a job on a BBC show.

All I'm saying is we've we've never actually had to buy a pen since.

And the Times newspaper interviewed President 43 on Air Force One when incidentally he was wearing a flight jacket with his name on and carrying a mug which had POTUS written on it.

He was drinking from a President of the United States mug.

That might actually seem charming if a different president had done it, or if he'd been a better president.

As it is, it is just inexplicably infuriating.

Yes, speaking to the Times on board Air Force One on his way to Ljubljana, the Slovenian capital and three-time winner of Europe's sauciest sounding city title, Ljubljana, Bush said that he now aims to leave his successor a legacy of international diplomacy for tackling Iran.

Now, John, he's done this in three very clever and easy steps.

Step one, tie up almost the entire US military in two intractable conflicts.

Step two, set fire to and then watch a spectacular bonfire of bridges burning between America and any putative allies for a potential non-diplomatic tackle on Iran.

And step three, buy an Atlas and check just how big Iran is.

So mission accomplished.

In the newspaper he expressed regret at the rhetoric that is used around the war in Iraq.

The rhetoric, Andy.

That is his first and his only regret.

It seems that this is as close to accountability as we're going to get.

So enjoy it while it lasts, because it seems like it's already over.

he defended these warmongering claims again from a group of German reporters and Andy when you are defending yourself against charges of warmongering from a group of Germans

you know that you have Sashade over the line

so the rhetoric is his regret andy Bush doesn't regret the gift that he has given the world merely the wrapping paper he chose to cover it in he said he regrets moments such as when asked about the insurgents in Iraq and he said bring them on which sounds more like a 12-year-old screaming into his Halo 3 headset than it does the leader of the free world.

He was worried about this and phrases such as wanting bin Laden dead or alive indicated to people that and I quote I was not you know a man of peace and I don't think he need worry too much there Andy people have not judged him on those words.

They've judged him primarily on his actions which have transcended words.

He's been like a violent Marcel Marceau communicating to the world through the international language of kaboom.

So the epiphany that he has managed to reach in this time seemingly is that we are all too stupid to understand what he actually meant through these actions.

That is the epiphany he's come to in front of the eyes of the world.

To essentially claim that we are too moronic to understand what he meant is brave, Andy.

In fact, it's more than that.

It's double brave.

And to go even further and then to immediately forgive the entire planet for our stupidity is so selfless.

It's Christ-like, Andy.

In fact,

it's more than that.

It's double Christ-like.

Well, he's very like Christ in a number of other ways, John.

For example, he's been an extremely divisive figure in the Middle East.

That's quite like Jesus.

It's true.

It all racks up.

Now, what he's looking for really is that single oratorial sentence which will explain to all of us how fantastic these last eight years have actually been.

A pithy slogan to get us to see his presidency through his eyes.

And whilst he singly failed to find that elusive open sesame sentence, surely now is the time.

He finally has a deadline.

If anything, he's had too long to come up with it so far.

There's nothing like a deadline to focus your mind.

Jack Kerouac wrote on the road in three weeks, Andy, don't tell me this administration can't come up with one sentence in almost 10 times as long.

And Andy, you know the phrase that if you gave an infinite number of monkeys and infinite number of typewriters, they'd eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare?

Well, this Bush administration has 350 monkeys in a room and seven months to hope they come up with that magical phrase.

It's worth rolling the dice, they've got nothing to lose.

Well, my personal experiments with monkeys and typewriters lead me to believe that they're much more likely to write something about a recipe for banana custard.

So let's look at his legacy now, Andy.

I mean, much like we look at the legacy that a horse leaves behind it in its stable after a fibre-based meal.

I mean, is the world safer than it was before?

I mean, probably not.

I think it's

probably 0% safer.

Right.

That's right.

To put it nicely.

Yeah, let's put it safe.

But to be fair, that's not entirely his fault.

And we in Britain are not helping.

This last week, a serious security breach took place after it emerged that a civil servant mistakenly left some top-secret documents containing the latest intelligence on al-Qaeda on the seat of a train.

And

first off, you really should not be reading that on a train.

I don't know, John.

I disagree with that that completely.

I think it shows that our civil servants are so committed to fighting terror that they are willing to take their anti-terror work home with them.

They're not just going to clock off at five o'clock and think,

I've done my eight hours' anti-terror work today.

I'm going to take this home.

And I feel safer, John, knowing that instead of being left in the intra for another day, my civil servant is prepared to take his file home with him and bust a terror cell by skim reading the files whilst watching the football in the background and having a beer.

If I concede that point, what you need need to concede is the fact that we all read over each other's shoulders on the train, especially if the person next to you has a newspaper with an interesting-looking story, let alone if they have a document in front of them titled Joint Intelligence Reports, Al-Qaeda's Constraints and Vulnerabilities, top secret.

Also, if you have a document like that on your person, take a cab home.

Treat yourself.

Bill it to the taxpayer.

We'll be happy to pony up if it means that you're not putting our lives in danger.

Well, I think you're being a bit harsh on the guy, John because let's face it, we've all done it, haven't we?

We've all left top-secret anti-terrorist documents on trains.

When only last week I was on a train and I left a newspaper that had details of the trial of the 21st of July bombers in it.

And I just hope it didn't fall into the wrong hands.

But this wouldn't be quite so bad, Andy, if it wasn't an isolated incident.

A Ministry of Defence laptop was stolen in April from a McDonald's.

From a McDonald's, Andy?

Do you really feel safer knowing that Britain's finest military agents are spending their lunch times ordering chicken mega meals?

Well, I don't.

I do feel safer.

I don't.

I know, but I don't.

I don't feel safer.

I wouldn't want them taking an Italian-style three-hour lunch.

They're busy people.

Go to McDonald's, get your lunch in and out of you in three minutes.

A passenger had spotted this envelope containing the files and gave it to the BBC.

And the BBC subsequently handed it to the police.

And the BBC apparently actually mistook these papers at first glance for a pitch for a prime-time reality TV game show in which ordinary members of the public have to plan and carry out a terror attack in front of a live studio audience and a judging panel featuring top terrorists from the 1980s.

Other news in the war on terror now, and there is great news of a big win for Britain.

Sadly, it is against the United States who are technically on our side.

An RAF fighter pilot has won a legal battle with the US Air Force in Afghanistan over the size of his handlebar moustache, which is big, Andy.

It is a beauty.

It is a beauty.

British military hero Flight Lieutenant Chris Ball, who is on an exchange posting with the US Air Force, was told to trim his moustache.

What?

It is absolutely...

Appalling.

He refused.

How dare you, Yanks?

How dare you?

Britain stood by him on the grounds that we conquered the world when we had massive moustaches.

Our national decline in Britain coincided almost exactly with the time that we started to have second thoughts about industrial level facial topiary.

Here, here, all our power was contained in that facial furniture, Andy.

We were like upper-lip Samsons.

You should never have shaved it off.

I cannot see, John, how it can be possible as a fighter pilot to have a moustache that is too big, unless it is so big that it smashes the cockpit window and starts interfering with the aerodynamics of your aircraft.

Now I've never grown a moustache, John.

I've been banned from doing so by genetics.

But it must make you feel pretty close to invincible to be able to twitch some impressive whiskers before muttering, well, well, well, we appear to have a situation.

I'm terribly sorry, Fritz, but you're going to have to lose this one, old chap.

In fact, I'd go further than this, John.

I think there should be a minimum moustache size for all fighter pilots.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Navigators can have something a little more refined, kind of Errol Flynn style, but the pilots should be able to bristle their way into combat.

Tangentially war on terror related resignation news now and the Shadow Home Secretary David Davis has surprised everyone, including probably himself, by resigning to force a by-election in his constituency over the issue of the 42-day terror suspect detention, which the government won a vote on last week.

John, my immediate thought when I heard that David Davis had resigned was that this was probably the biggest political stunt since Evil Knievel launched his 1976 presidential campaign by jumping a mobility scooter over 20 old women to highlight inadequate pension provisions for the poor.

Well that's the point Landy.

I mean many have called this a political stunt but you know if it was it was a pretty shit one.

If you're going to do a political stunt do it properly.

Resign from government in a fireball before jumping through the window and extinguishing yourself in the Thames.

There are very few precedents for this kind of resignation in British politics.

In 1986, all 15 Ulster Unionist MPs resigned and provoked by-elections in protest over the Anglo-Irish Agreement.

In 1910, Independent MP George Lansbury quits to fight a by-election in favour of votes for women, a by-election which he lost.

Britain wasn't quite ready to listen to the ladies at that point.

But it does seem that this is a rare principled stand taken without thought for future career.

And this is the kind of example of selflessness in politics, which is immediately suspicious.

Andy.

There must be an ulterior motive here.

What is he up to?

But the government managed to force the 42-day regulation through, but they did have to give a number of concessions to potential rebels

against the bill, including these concessions.

One, to be a bit nicer to terror suspects in the last two weeks of their incarceration.

Two, only to use it on people who look properly shifty.

And three, if the terror suspects turn out not to be terrorists, by way of compensation, they will be given a derelict building to commit a piece of controlled terrorism on to get any resentment against the British states out of their systems.

I always think rebels were a bit of a letdown as well, Andy.

They should really drive into the House of Commons on motorbikes, wearing leather jackets and smoking ostentatiously.

Well, they've not been allowed to do that ever since Dennis Skinner first sat as an MP.

With a budget speech at his first

he just sat there revving.

Wing ding ding!

Wing ding ding!

Dennis, what do you wing ding?

Dennis, you gonna do that every time I- Wing, wing, wing, wing.

Ladies and gentlemen, when there is this level of excitement in my voice, that can only mean one thing.

Please welcome the

one

the

only

apart from 300 million others Americans.

doing?

Nice to see you.

How's it going?

Hello.

How are you doing today, American?

Oh, yeah.

Couldn't feel better.

I mean, what a week, huh?

Did you just feel good whenever you look down at your passport?

Is that what gets you going in the morning?

Kidding me sometimes.

I'll have the flu sometimes.

And I'll open up the little safe under my bed.

I shouldn't have told everybody with my safety.

But I'll open up that safe and I'll crack open that passport.

You know, and I've only been at like, you know, a couple of places, you know, like I was in Canada once.

And then,

well, I was in Canada once.

And then,

But I'll look at that stamp, you know, and I'll be like, yeah, that's right, baby.

No trouble at customs with this thing.

What was the best thing about going to Canada?

Was it visiting another country or was it coming back to America?

Did you just enjoy coming back in?

Yeah, I actually just made a wrong turn.

I was just going to look.

I was just going up to Niagara Falls, you know, to look at the pristine beauty of the American side.

So, American, the general election is underway now.

You've got two candidates to choose from.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Yeah, we're very excited over here.

We did.

It's been a very expensive run-up so far.

I mean, you really are shelling out some money on this election.

Oh, yeah, big time.

But I'll tell you right now, you know, I've said this before, and I know everyone agrees.

You know, this is not just President of the United States, it's really president of the world.

So it should cost a lot of money.

Well, think about it.

What are you going to do?

Have an event and not drop thousands of dollars in confetti and balloons on people?

I mean, that's just not fiscally responsible.

They have to do that.

There's a lot of controversy at the moment over

the vice presidential.

Now, when you say controversy, you mean controversy right I mean controversy gotcha do you think Obama might select Hillary what are you nuts she's like the girlfriend you can't get rid of you know yeah sweetheart we broke up three months ago stop showing up with meatloaf all right I'm not hungry okay Jesus Christ she doesn't take a hint I can't even believe it yeah I mean look you have her as a vice president then you got to deal with her nutty husband this guy's gonna be walking around the friggin' oval office in a dirty bathroom making making sandwiches in the kitchen.

Hey, I know that guy.

Hey, hey.

What are you guys talking about, foreign policy?

Let me get involved.

Shut up.

Get out of here, you know?

Put some pants on.

Jesus.

If you could choose any American in the whole of America to be vice president, who would you personally choose?

Oh, that's a good question.

Wow.

With either of the two presidents?

That's a very, very, very good question.

Politician-wise, I don't think any of them are good.

I think they're all bums.

Yeah.

What about Ted Strickland?

Yeah.

I don't like him.

I got a hot tip from a friend who said Ted Strickland at 25 to 1 is

going to be a bomber's running, mate.

I'll tell you right now,

that's something you should get in on.

Forget who's going to be it, but get in on the betting because you can make a lot of money on that.

That's a whole nother aspect, of course, to American democracy that bookmakers get so involved in it as well.

I mean, you can bet on...

I suppose in a way your vote is a bet in and of itself.

You want to back the winner all the time.

You don't want to lose.

Absolutely.

Although, I guess you've had pretty heavy losses the last eight years.

Well, it depends on

your side.

For me, it's been a victory every year.

But depending on how you feel,

I think that America's made some pretty pristine choices the last eight years.

Really?

Yeah.

I think the unfortunate thing for a guy like Bush is that he's got a guy like Cheney, brilliant.

brilliant political mind, has no interest in future politics, which I think is probably a pretty major disappointment to most people across the board because that's the kind of guy you need up there.

You know, a guy who thinks and acts.

You know, he doesn't talk a lot.

He just does things.

So are you saying you'd vote Cheney?

Yeah.

You got to respect the guy.

I mean, even if he's done some things that maybe people don't agree with, but he's done some things.

You know, you look back at other presidents, they haven't done anything.

He's done things.

He's my consensus again, Andy.

Just the act of doing something to me makes a politician better than, you know, one politician better than the next.

He did something.

Most of these guys just talk in circles.

Cheney goes, I got an idea.

Maybe we'll go kill some people.

Okay, boom.

Those people are dead.

There's not a lot of talk.

I like that.

He's not a thinker.

No, he's a doer.

Oh, yeah, he thinks and then he does.

You know what I mean?

You're right.

I suppose of all the criticisms you could level at Cheney, saying that he was inactive would not be fair.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Now, we have some emails from other people for you coming in.

Andy?

Yeah, this one comes from someone known as Snowden Gardasik.

who

first of all i'm sorry i can't imagine grade school was too fun for snowden gardesic the first 17 17 years of Snowden's life must have been a battle.

He must have been thrilled to get to college.

I'm guessing a very liberal college.

Unless he went to a very expensive Swiss school in the mountains.

He's from Houston in Texas.

Oh, okay.

It would have been fine.

It would have been fine.

It's fine.

That makes perfect sense.

Throw money at the problem.

Yeah, take it back.

I apologize, Snowden.

And he writes, Dear the American, I've decided to join the armed forces, but I'm not sure which branch.

Between the Navy and the Army, which is more American?

Wow.

That's a very, very good question.

Snowden.

They're both pretty American.

I'm going to tell tell you right now, thank you for doing that.

Either branch you choose is a good branch.

I mean, I think that what you need to think about, and I really do honestly respect your choice to do that, and we all do here in America.

Thank you for making that choice.

But I'm going to tell you right now, if you join the Navy, keep this in mind.

There's a lot of water.

So if you don't like being on boats, go with the Army.

Good advice.

That's all I'm going to say.

That is excellent advice.

I don't know if you want to spend the whole time in the, I mean, I know me.

I go out on like, you know, a pleasure cruise.

I need to take drama mean.

You know, so so you know I would if I were you I would just be careful about that and I don't think this is thought about enough so much of the Royal Air Force in Britain is a frightened of heights yeah and it's just I mean that could have been headed off at the start I think that's that would have been smart if you don't like water yeah don't join the navy if you don't like flying don't join the air force and if you don't like walking the army might not be for you

American have you ever joined uh joined uh the armed forces have you ever thought about serving

yeah no I was gonna but then like you know

because I would have thought you'd be very good in a combat situation.

Well, yeah, you know, I got natural leadership abilities and stuff.

You love your country.

I love my country.

Yeah, definitely love it.

You can take your hammer out for a spin.

Yeah, yeah, well, that's the thing.

I mean, you do definitely get to drive cool vehicles.

You know, I thought about it for a while, but then, you know, I was so busy with my, you know, my job at the

thing.

I was working for a while, so I couldn't.

And then

after that, I, yeah, maybe, I don't know.

I'm older.

I'm older now, too, and I'm a little flat-footed.

Not gay or anything.

I'm just saying, you know.

No, I mean there's no absolutely nothing.

There'd be no other reason that I couldn't join.

I mean there's no there's no connection between flat feet and and no no I'm just saying like you know I should run and stuff you know and I'm I'm definitely in really good shape.

But I mean there's there's no connection between that and gayness either.

I mean gay people can run too.

Oh no I'm not saying they can't run.

I'm just saying you know like you know

you know it's obviously you don't want like a gay guy fighting for you.

You know what I mean?

Right.

I don't want to be disrespectful but that's kind of ridiculous.

Interestingly I mean California has just passed some very

liberal and some would say moral laws on gay marriage.

How do you feel about gay marriage?

I got to tell you, I actually think it's the right thing, and I'm going to tell you why, and this might shock a lot of people.

I'll tell you why.

Because I think gay people have had it too good for too long, okay?

And that's why they're always so happy.

Okay, you know what?

They are naturally happy.

And you know what?

You understand the miseries of marriage, and let's see if you're wearing jean shorts and a roller blading around town singing a song, okay?

Because believe me, believe me, it will destroy your soul.

So let them experience the misery the rest of us have experienced, okay?

American, thank you once again for joining us and sharing

your wisdom with us.

Happy you too.

Oh, yeah.

Happy to.

Your emails now, and this one comes from Kieran Nicholson in Glasgow, who writes, Dear Bugle Overlords.

And for future reference for all our emailers, that is the title by which we now insist on being addressed.

Thank you, Kieran.

I will apologise immediately.

I will do that through the medium of MC Hammers You Can't Touch This.

Ma, Ma, ma, ma.

Music hits me so hard, makes me say, oh my lord, thank you for blessing me with a bounce of ram and two half feet.

It's good when you know you're down, rocking the beat all over this time.

It's hyped.

As such, and this is a beat you can't touch.

Apology offered, Mike.

I do hope that's accepted.

John, how do you know the words to that song?

I don't know.

There was a period in music, unfortunately, a very bad period in music, circumstantially, where every song I heard went into my head.

That is my secret shame.

I know the lyrics for some absolutely monstrous songs off my heart.

There's an email here from Romaine who says, Hello, bugle makers.

I remember that you recently talked about Zimbabwe's massive inflation.

I recently received this photo of a restaurant bill from the Jungle Junction restaurant in Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe, that bills the customer for, wait for it, $1.24 billion

for dinner, two beers, and a mineral water.

It is not known if this included the tip.

I've actually looked at this picture, and we're going to put it on the website.

It really is something extremely special to look at.

It really is worth going to the website to look at this.

And it actually doesn't include tip.

What a missed opportunity.

You have the opportunity for the single biggest tip ever awarded.

A tip of multi-million, 15% of that is, I mean, you're looking at at at least, what, 170 million?

Yeah, yeah,

$180 million.

I mean, that indicates tremendous service.

Tremendous.

The waitress was Joylene, and Joylene, I do hope you received a tremendous tip for that.

Hotties from history now, and this one comes from Sarah Felix, who writes, Dear Andy and John, I have the ultimate Hottie from History to nominate, a man of pure modesty and humility, and I think his greatest characteristic was his unyielding mercy towards his enemies.

Allow me to introduce you to King Ashuraserpal II, Assyrian king from 884 to 859 BC.

Let me take a moment to describe what this guy humbly did when faced with a rebellion within his empire.

Once he had quelled the rebellion, he decided to make a pillar, a monument, to recognise those with the courage to rebel.

His material of choice for this pillar, well, the skin of the rebels, of course.

What greater memorial could there be?

Sarah continues, but wait, he wasn't done.

He wouldn't be the hotty I cry for at night, waiting to rise from the dead, if he'd stopped there.

He stuffed the pillar with some of the rebels.

It is insinuated that they were actually still alive.

He impaled others on the pillar, and yet others he tied up to stakes around the pillar.

He then also made a second pillar of heads.

He also tied heads to the trunks of trees throughout the city.

Can you imagine that sight?

I think London or New York, says Sarah, could really do with some trees doled up with human heads.

They truly don't make men the way they used to.

Sarah, if you find yourself attracted to him, you, you, my friend, have a type.

Do keep your emails and hottie nominations coming in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Sport now, and well, it's been a very disappointing start to Euro 2008, the European Football Championships for the British nations.

England, very disappointing, yet to pick up a point.

So too, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

It's all, I mean, it's just really disappointing, John.

Yet again, at a big tournament, they just haven't really turned up.

Focus on the positive Andy we're undefeated so far.

Yep true.

No it's we've kept a clean sheet.

Very tight at the back.

But I feel that's just because they've not been attacking enough by virtue of all being about 3,000 miles away on the beach.

That's just not the right formation if you want to win a tournament.

But I've been watching it here in America Andy the United States.

of America and some of the commentary generally sports commentary is far better in America.

It's an art and there was a wonderful wonderful moment during the first Germany game as Germany scored quite a good goal.

And the commentator started screaming, this is why the war had to come down.

This is why capitalism had to reign.

That is something very special.

And it's only a shame that Americans care so little.

about football that no one will have heard him say that.

Maybe it was knowing that which made him say that, that he was just screaming into a tempest, shouting into a void.

But to claim that a goal scored by Germany indicates why capitalism had to become king.

Well, I'm not sure that that's magnificent.

I don't think the logic stands up though, John, because, you know,

there were some pretty good goals scored by communist players in the past.

I mean, you think instantly, don't you, of Vasily Ratz's goal in 1986 against France.

That was a 40-yard thunderbolt.

That really suggested that, yes, Stalin might have killed a few too many million people, but maybe when you see that goal, you know, you can see two sides of every coin.

That's all I'm saying.

Now, as the search goes on to an appropriate spiritual successor to the late much lamented audio cryptic crossword, this week, as suggested by some of you in emails, we are doing a spot the difference competition.

Can you spot the difference between these two clips?

Hi, John.

Hi, Andy.

How's it going?

It's alright, yeah.

What do you have for breakfast?

I haven't had any breakfast, yeah, Andy.

I've just had two cups of coffee.

Hi, John.

Hi, Andy, how's it going?

It's alright, yeah.

What'd you have for breakfast?

Die and Spider-Gi!

I haven't had any breakfast, yeah, Andy, I've just had two cups of coffee.

Well, uh, see if you spotted the difference at home.

If there was a difference.

Bugle forecast now, and our forecast this week is what will have happened over the weekend at the US Open in Torrey Hills.

John, my forecast is that Phil Mickelson, the famous American golfer, will on the 18th green at the end of round four, having narrowly missed out on the title, tear his mask off and prove truly to have been the killer Charles Manson.

That's my prediction.

None of the pundits are saying that at the moment, but I've just had a bit of an inside tip.

Well,

I've got a prediction.

I'm pretty confident about this one.

I think that Ernie Ells, the famous South African golfer, is going to be eaten by a crocodile on the 12th green, but is then going to go on to win that tournament.

From within the crocodile.

From inside the crocodile.

So he and the crocodile together.

Now he'll be wearing the crocodile almost like a suit and he will go on to win that tournament and that he will then continue to play.

They're superstitious players, golfers.

And I think he will go on to play as that crocodile until he retires.

Right.

Well I think after that show today, John and I probably both need to go and read some facts just to

take five minutes to grow up a bit, Andy.

Even if it's just growing up five minutes worth, it'll be noticeable.

You have to do these things in small steps, small five-minute steps.

Anyway,

keep your emails coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk, and we'll be back with more lives next week.

Bye.

Goodbye, Buglers.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.