The Swimsuit Edition

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 27 of the world's greatest and only audio newspaper for the week beginning Monday the 5th of May.

And this, listeners, is a special Bugle swimsuit edition for which John is wearing a swimsuit.

Correct.

Can you describe it John?

Yes, it is a kind of Victorian 1920 style neck to toe blue and white stripes.

I'm also wearing a curled handlebar moustache and I have a top hat on and a cane and a monocle.

The way gentlemen swim.

How about you?

What are you wearing?

Don't tell me it's a bikini.

It's a full bikini.

It is a full bikini John but I've slightly misunderstood the purpose of the swimsuit edition and I am actually wearing a small atoll from the Pacific Ocean.

That's one for all you geography fans out there.

Today's Bue will coming through to you on Layer 2 Mono 128 that is the technical term that I've just heard Paul the engineer here use.

One I've learned to do not understand but I'm willing to use anyway.

It's all about saying things confidently enough.

As always, some sections of the audio newspaper go straight in the bin.

This week Hollywood legends John Voigt and Colombian pop philanthropist Shakira respectively talk and sing you through how to perform an exploratory laparoscopy on yourself using only kebab stick and a cheap digital camera.

Plus, a free audio anesthetic.

Here it is.

Also in the bin, an entertainment section.

As football becomes increasingly uncompetitive and movies more and more mainstream, is it time to revive public hangings?

And why can't we feed Christians to Lion anymore without the God Squad getting all holier than thou about it?

Plus, a review of the disastrous first night of the London amateur chainsaw jugglers new show.

Was there too much audience participation?

Top story in this week's Bugle Beach Party, China.

And there is a time in the not too distant future when China is going to be the one and only story.

And when that is the case, Andy, I want to be ready.

So this week I say not only hello and welcome to the Bugle, I also say Miu Hua Ha Huang Da Chi Ha.

China announced this week that it intends to increase its military spending by 18% to 417.8 billion yuan.

That's a lot of yuan.

In fact, that's $59 billion worth of yuan.

So now you know it's a lot of yuan rather than just assuming it was because it sounded like a lot.

Well, it sounds like a lot of money to people like you and me, John, but we don't have our own private army, and therefore we spend commensurately less on our defence budgets.

But it's still quite a fair whack.

This round about $60 billion, and America has complained that the real figure is actually around twice that.

America itself actually only spends a fraction of what China out.

Is that the right term?

Chopsticks out on its military.

Just a fraction of what China spends, America spends quite a big fraction, in fact, quite a big collection of fractions.

About twenty halves, in fact, of China's spending.

So America is leading from the front, telling China off about its defence spending, very much like a naked Catholic priest diving into a crowded paddling pool, telling everyone to leave the children alone.

That's right, the US military budget last year was $440 billion.

So let's just check the maths on that.

They're angry at China spending $59 billion,

yet the US spends $440 billion a year.

No, that can't be right.

I mean that sounds ridiculous.

I must have made a miscalculation with the figures there, Andy.

My mistake.

If those figures were true, the Pentagon would be massive hypocrites.

And I know they're not that, so the fault must be mine.

Tell you what, I'll crunch these numbers again and I'll get back to you.

Just before this announcement, the US had released a statement criticising China's military spending.

That's like taking criticism for eating too much from someone who has five doughnuts wedged in their mouth.

In fact, I can't say for sure that that statement about military spending was not issued by someone who did have five doughnuts wedged in their mouth.

Well, that's how the Pentagon give most of their statements nowadays.

It's just to take the edge off things.

Try and distract the world from the impending doom by looking at someone with five doughnuts in their mouth.

You know, just a bit of slapstick, basically.

In fact, America in total spent almost $600 billion on various aspects of military expenditure last year.

Now let's compare that with the United Nations annual total spending of $20 billion on all of its operations.

Let's also throw in the fact that America, the world's richest country, is responsible for over 90% of the unpaid UN subscription fees.

They owe Ban Ki-moon and his friends almost $700 million.

And I guess we could understand if China's response to America's complaints about its defence spending are to tell it to swivel.

and stop being such a dick.

China is soon going to have so much money, it's actually going to be hard to comprehend.

So it's important for them to use the international symbol of great wealth.

They need to wear top hats, monocles and canes.

That has to be the new mouseuit.

At least we'll then know where they stand.

China's insisted though, John, that its defence programme is purely defensive and doesn't pose a threat to any other country, as long as that any other country isn't a country that's already part of China, in which case it probably does pose quite a big threat to it, particularly if you're dressed in a cloak.

Do you think though, John, that we should be worried about China's increasing defense spenditure here in Britain?

I mean I'm not worried about it at the moment and I love sports.

I won't actually be even thinking about worrying about it until after the Olympics at the very earliest.

But is it possible that China could invade Britain sometime in the next two years?

Well, I mean, I don't know.

I guess you've got to ask yourself, what has Britain got that China doesn't have that it might be interested in?

Scotland?

Scotland, that's true.

China doesn't have Scotland, but would it really be interested in Scotland?

Well, I don't know, but I do think we should hang on to Scotland and use it as a bargaining chip just in case the the Chinese do invade.

Yeah, I just think that the Queen, they don't have a Queen.

Just think how much they'd love to take the Queen back to Beijing.

Just as a kind of trophy.

Chairman Mao did try it once.

He tried to seduce her at a table tennis tournament.

But I think maybe the time has come for us to preemptively invade China first, John, to try and make them show their military hand.

And if I personally was going to invade China, and I hasten to add that at the moment, that is a 100% hypothetical scenario.

Right.

Well, 95%.

Then I would probably try to land a boat in Heilongjiang province in the northeast of China and then fight my way down towards Beijing, trying to garner support from the peasant population as I go and kind of hope a kind of snowball effect takes place.

Also, I might hope that that provokes a full Tibetan uprising in the west of China, creating a kind of pincer movement on the Chinese government.

Right, I mean, you've actually thought this out a lot more than I expected you to, Andy.

You're talking like someone who has a plan pretty much underway.

Well, you know, you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.

That's the way I'd look at it, John.

That's a good point.

Albeit that in the lottery of one man invasions of China, losing tickets do come at something of a personal price.

Also in China, police in the south of the country have apparently discovered a factory which has been manufacturing free Tibet flags completely unaware.

The factory workers claimed they thought they were just making happy colourful flags and didn't realize their deep political meaning.

As Aristotle himself said, one man's colourful flag is another man's desperate plea for international humanitarian and political support.

It's such a fine line.

I'm sure Andy that the Chinese police recognised that this was an honest mistake and I'm sure that they're laughing about it now back at the precinct over the howling screams of the factory owner.

I tell you what you do not want to get caught with in China at the moment Andy and that is a box full of Tibetan flags.

I'm pretty sure there's no worse thing to be caught with in a box.

If I was a Chinese factory owner, which I nearly am, I just need to wait for the paperwork to go through.

I would make absolutely sure that what we were producing was not Tibetan flags.

Even if I did have no idea what Tibetan flags look like, that would be my first and only question when taking any job.

We need you to produce 200,000 shower nozzles, okay?

And these shower nozzles are definitely not Tibetan flags.

No, they're shower nozzles.

Okay, you have yourself a deal.

But it was good to be sure.

US economy now, and the US economy is still lying sick in bed, gurgling incoherently and occasionally calling out for a priest.

The confidence of US consumers has fallen to a five-year low.

And that is bad news here, Andy.

Not only is this entire economy built on consumption, but these people will buy anything.

And they know that they're the biggest and the best consumers in the world.

There's a new snack that's just come out here, which is a bagel with cream cheese injected into the middle of it, so you don't need to waste time spreading it on yourself.

And rightly so.

Yes, it's disgusting, but that is valuable extra time that you can be using to buy a 46-inch plasma screen to go in front of your 42-inch plasma screen.

If their confidence really is waning, we are all in trouble.

All I'm saying is, if Americans aren't buying something, it's not getting bought.

Yes, U.S.

consumer confidence is apparently down to 62.3 confidence points.

By comparison, me in an awkward social situation is 64 points.

So that is pretty low confidence, John.

Yeah, that's not great.

That's not great.

It's actually the lowest since just before the Iraq war started, which suggests that Iraq really made US shoppers feel good about themselves.

They They basically thought, well, my country is bringing democracy to the oppressed and curing Iraq of al-Qaeda.

Well, I deserve a new shirt and what the heck, a new sausage machine as well.

So, for all the financial cost of the Iraq jaunt,

for everything it's cost America, what would really boost the economy right now is for Bush to have the courage of his friends' convictions again and have a pop at Iran.

Yes, it would be a logistical and political hoo-ha, but the economy is the economy.

It's all that really counts, John.

You can tell your friends that from me.

Absolutely.

Now maybe we need to give Americans and American consumers a course of self-help audio tapes they can listen to to boost their consumer confidence.

Just click them on at night.

You're standing in a store.

In front of you is an object you do not remotely need, will not use, and cannot possibly afford.

Repeat after me.

I must purchase this item.

It's what Lincoln would have wanted.

Acupuncture or hypnosis, Andy, whatever it takes.

The point is the global economy needs America back in the game.

The American government is attempting to boost the economy by handing out tax rebates to Americans.

That's right.

What are people spending it on, John?

Have you got one?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, no.

No, I haven't.

They're going to go out to around 170 million homes.

They're

$600 per person.

It's an attempt to revive the battered economy.

The problem is it is a gamble, though, because the last thing the government wants people to do is to save this up or to use it to pay back debts.

To act in a responsible way now would be the worst possible thing to do.

They really need people to fritter this away on bullshit.

That's virtually an instruction from the White House.

They need the money going back into the system.

It's more than that.

It's a patriotic duty to Americans in the war against the credit crunch.

When your grandchildren sit on what's ever left of your knees in America, you Americans, and ask you, grandpa, what did you do in the credit crunch?

Do you want to shuffle awkwardly, look out of the window, cough nervously, and start singing a nursery rhyme to distract them?

No.

Or do you want to stand up, turn to the silver-plated Alan Greenspan on your mantelpiece, and announce proudly, I bought a 60-inch plasma screen TV to go in front of my 46 and 42-inch plasma screen TVs.

I didn't lie down and let the credit crunch me.

I put my artificial fangs in and crunched the credit back.

I was a hero.

God bless America.

That's what you want to do, Americans.

Don't let your nation down.

Americans, if you take this rebate and you save it or pay back debts, you you are no better than the terrorists.

In fact, you're much worse.

Yes, we've spent our way into trouble, but the worst thing to do would be to stop now, Andy.

You've got to spend your way out as well.

Push on through to the other side.

British politics now and Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been hammered and mauled at the ballot box like a teenage binge drinker on a bad night out.

On the minus side, less than 10% of potential voters voted for the Labour Party.

On the plus side, he could say that with a 35% turnout in the local elections, 75% of potential voters in all didn't vote against him.

So, once again, those key floating voters are going to be crucial, John.

Hold on a second.

Was that 110% turnout?

No, I'm including the 10% that actually voted for Labour, plus the 1950s.

Oh, I see.

Plus the 65%

who love democracy so much they don't want to risk getting it wrong by writing an X in the wrong box.

That's the thing.

I mean, is there not the big story from the night that that yet again the landslide winner was the concept of people not giving a shit about things?

It's always going to be the way, John, though.

Yeah, that's what we fought the wars for.

We fought wars so that we had the right not to give a shit about stuff.

Yep, true, true.

So the floating vote argument, by voting, of course, I do mean bobbing face down on a reservoir of disillusionment.

Gordon Brown seems to be in some trouble, Andy, as his unpopularity rises like a sunflower of doom.

Asked whether he had a presentational problem and was less able to give a human answer to a question than his predecessor Tony Blair, he said, My job is to work every day on behalf of the people of this country.

So yes.

A simple yes.

Blair did have that uncanny quality of giving you bad news in a way that a friend would, albeit a friend who was directly responsible for the bad news in question.

In the same interview, Gordon Brown was asked by the journalist what the first thing he thought of in the morning was when he woke up that day.

And he said it was a housing crisis and how to get first-time buyers onto the ladder.

The first thing?

Before thinking where am I?

Or I don't want to be awake yet or if someone doesn't get me a cup of coffee the next two minutes I'm going to kill the first thing that moves.

No, not that.

The housing crisis.

And the horrendous thing is that could even be true.

I wouldn't put it past him thinking that.

I'm sure his wife during a romantic dinner has found herself saying, what are you thinking, Gordon?

Only for him to reply, oh, whether low interest rates are genuinely in the long-term fiscal interest interest of this country.

He's a serious man, Andy, and for some inexplicable reason, we don't want that.

We certainly don't.

He's also been slightly left in the position of the guy who would have had to take charge on the Titanic had Captain Smith said, My God, you were right, it is an iceberg.

I could have sworn it was only a chocolate wrapper.

My mistake.

Is that the time?

Oh dear, I must be off now.

Well, you've always been an ambitious lad.

You take the reins.

Right, get my chopper.

I'm out of here.

The result of the London mayoral election is not quite out as we record, but it does seem that Ken Livingston, the incumbent mayor, could well lose to joke candidate Boris Johnson, raising the possibility that he will do a Mugabe and refuse to announce the result for weeks before eventually saying, yeah, we're going to have to have a recount.

Who knows if that will happen?

All I can say for sure, John, is that at this very moment, there's a big Chinese ship moored on the Thames outside City Hall in London, and there's a courier waiting in reception saying, no, it's a special delivery.

Mr.

Livingston has to sign for it himself.

It does seem that London, a major international city, is about to vote for comedy rather than competence and have what I mean, the rest of the world really do have something to look forward to in Johnson.

That's the worst thing.

I'm not sure I can entirely disagree with this.

It's going to be awful.

It's going to be absolutely awful, but it's going to be funny.

The whole thing is a bit like the plot of a low-budget comedy film, though.

It's like the greatest ever example of a drunken dare going much better than expected.

Basically, the plot is man bets friends he he can't become mayor of London.

Friend takes bet whilst hammered.

Man says there's no way you'll win.

You're an obvious tit.

Friend says good point but let's have a laugh anyway.

Friend ends up winning by default.

Asks man what do I do now?

Man says dunno mate just wing it.

Friend says yeah good call.

How badly could it possibly go?

Leaving it open for a hilarious sequel.

Other news now.

An overweight prisoner in the United States is suing the authorities for not feeding him enough after he lost about seven stone in jail broderick lloyd lays well is awaiting trial for murder and has dropped down to 22 stone that's right down to 22 stone so he's still fat that's not in question he's just not quite as fat as he feels he has the right to be the constitutional right it's all in there and the just after the stuff about a more perfect union Yeah, he lost he lost almost 25% of his body weight in only eight months.

So you wait, John.

Celebrities are going to be lining up to commit crimes just to get a spell inside, shedding those excess pounds.

In the weeks before the Oscar ceremony, you're going to have Hollywood starlets smashing up bus stops, throwing dogs off bridges, and driving the wrong way up railways just to get a stint inside.

That's right, diet for a boom industry in the US, Andy.

He shouldn't be suing.

He should be bringing out a book and an instructional video.

The murder trial eight-month crash diet.

Need to lose weight fast?

Holiday on the horizon?

Why not get arrested on suspicion of murder?

It worked for me, Broderick Lloyd Layswell.

I lost 140 kilograms during my incarceration before trial.

And you can too.

Fit into that bikini for the beach yet.

Beast Trip is reliant upon pending acquittal for your murder charges.

Weight may go up as well as down.

Also in the world of crime, the European Court of Human Rights is considering whether people should have the right to pre-serve sentences.

Under a new scheme being trialled in the Netherlands, an as-yet innocent member of the public is serving a prison sentence of between 15 and 20 years, depending on behaviour, before being released to murder the man who ran off with his wife.

If successful, all EU citizens will be allowed to build up crime credits through short stints in jail.

Just two weeks a year for 10 years will entitle you to smack someone round the head with a wine bottle.

British food news now, the Cumberland Sausage has submitted a request to the European Union to be granted protected status, hoping that it will get a similar ranking to champagne, palmer ham and Greek feta cheese.

And yes, that seems fair.

Cumberland sausage seems to be the perfect next foodstuff in that list.

Fits right in.

For those of you that don't know what a cumberland sausage is, prepare to have your innocence shattered.

You will now separate out your life into what it was like before knowing what a cumberland sausage was and what it has been like since.

Strap in.

Cumberland sausages are very long, usually around 50 centimeters, unlinked, so are usually coiled around flat in one long sausage circle.

It's like a meat discus.

They're sometimes served with a fried egg on top and with chips and peas.

Who said?

British food is terrible.

The EU must grant grant them their wish.

Champagne, palmer ham, Greek feta cheese, meat discus.

It just sounds right.

Well personally I absolutely love the cumberland sausage and I don't like the way you're denigrating your national foodstuffs John.

I feel you've embraced America rather too enthusiastically.

You're not welcome back here anymore.

Fine, fine.

But I would say maybe even if it is the quality of foodstuff you're suggesting it is, then maybe getting it protected by the European Union is a defensive measure to stop people producing dangerous imitation cumberland sausages, thereby poisoning the population of Europe.

And finally, a quick war on terror update.

It is five years to the week since George W.

Bush declared that mission had been accomplished in Iraq.

He was standing on an aircraft carrier in front of a banner saying mission accomplished, which new files and photos released by the Pentagon say that that in fact was not the entire banner, and the whole banner said mission not yet accomplished, unless that mission was to alienate and antagonize the entire Arab world in which case mission accomplished.

So that little query has now been cleared up.

And in other war on terror news bin Laden's son is mounting a legal appeal after being denied the ability to live in the UK with his 52 year old British wife.

They were planning to settle down in the small village of Moulton in Cheshire.

And do you know what?

It would have been worth letting him in just to see how the villagers reacted to suddenly living next to Bin Laden's son.

That is a sitcom waiting to happen, Andy.

A procession of villagers taking him around, jars of homemade jam, inviting him to the village fate, desperately trying not to bring up the subject of the World Trade Center.

Beryl, I want to invite Bin Laden and his lovely wife to the village fate, yet it's on September the 11th.

How do I ask?

And now the section of the world has been waiting for the return of the world's most influential opinion former weighing in at 350 kilos from the United States.

It is the

Americas.

Two quick things.

One, it's 350 kilos allowed.

I have no clue.

I don't understand.

Just do it normal, like pounds.

I don't even know what that means.

Kilos.

What's that normal?

What's that normal?

What is your country's problem with deciding whether or not to accept decimalization?

One day it's on, the next day it's off.

Are you speaking French right now?

I don't even understand what you're saying.

It's the will-they-won't-they thing.

It's that free song.

It's like Ross and Rachel years ago.

Yeah, I gotta tell you.

By the way, I am thrilled to be here on Swimsuit Edition.

Oh, yes, you're welcome.

Anytime I can get the old banana hanger out of the closet, I am thrilled.

I'm absolutely thrilled.

Because, you know, it's funny, because I know in Europe, wearing a man thong is kind of acceptable, but here in America, people give you a lot of flack about it.

But I figured since you guys are, you know, from over there, I could probably pull it off.

I'm glad to see that your banana hanger is the good old stars and stripes.

Oh, you better believe it.

Every single state's represented.

You better believe it.

All 50, baby.

All 50.

And I'll tell you right now, Arkansas is not visible.

And it is pronounced Arkansas.

There you go.

But I'm going to have to bend over for you to see which star that is, and I won't do that to you.

Oh, heavens to Betsy.

Just a quick tip for your listeners, if you're going to go with the banana hanger, you know, the mankini, you're going to want to, you're going to want to trim around the hedges.

You know what I'm saying?

You're going to want a manscape.

You're going to want a manscape.

Because, you know, come on,

you're out in public.

Well, have some respect.

I've got to tell you, that is one hell of an entrance.

Hey, it's a swimsuit edition.

I'm proud of who I am.

I'm proud of what I'm about.

I'm proud to be an American.

Well, I'm very glad you're so proud to be an American because you've had some fairly unpleasant emails from your fellow countrymen that have come into us, American, I'm afraid.

Wow.

It brings me no pleasure to break this news to you.

Are you sure they're now from that UK website?

Definitely not.

This comes from a man who claims to be a true patriot called Nate Jonivan, who writes, I'm an American.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, go back a minute.

What's this guy's name?

I'm sorry, I could be on the American side here.

Nate, what?

That sounds French.

Spelt J-O-H-N-I-V-A-N.

John Ivan.

It sounds like there's a man who's being indecisive with Christian names.

Yeah.

He's in Quebec.

He writes, I'm an American, and I don't think your sample American speaks for the whole country.

And it's not fair.

He called America a woman.

That's bullshit.

America is manlier than a cowboy eating a still-breathing rattlesnake.

America is John Ramba with technological advances of the Terminator and the light-hearted chubbiness of Jack Black.

For shame, American, for shame, if the world were a playground, America would be the bully that knocks you off the slide, then gives you an ice cream cone that it's pissed on.

First of all, a cowboy eating a rattlesnake, could that be more homoerotic?

I mean,

let me tell you something, French guy, okay?

I don't want to see a cowboy eat a rattlesnake, okay?

I want to see a cowboy inside a woman, and if America's a woman, that's exactly where he'll be.

All right,

that is the Wild West for you.

Yeah, yeah, it's the frontier.

Now, so, American, what are you going to do?

Uh, presumably, you got a $600 rebate rebate this week.

I mean, what are you going to do with yours?

Well, I mean, I got to tell you, I mean, it's free money from the government anytime you're getting it.

It's unbelievable.

I've actually already kind of spent mine.

Oh, really?

Well, just because I did what the president said, I just put it right back out there.

It hasn't come in yet, but I know it's coming, so I spent it.

Sure, so what have you bought?

I got a couple of things.

I got two 65-inch HCTVs.

I got one for my living room, one for the bedroom.

Okay.

They're sick, 1080p.

They're all 1080p surround sound.

What does that even mean, 1080p?

It's got like

100 ADP, so it's

what does ATP mean?

It means like...

Well, because some of them are like 720 I, so this one's 1080p.

Yeah, but yeah.

Sure, but what does actually ATP mean?

Well, 720 is a lower number than 1080, and I comes before P in the alphabet, so it's just all like up a notch.

So you've upgraded?

Yeah, you've got that.

Exactly.

Well, I got rid of the 780 eyes, 720 eyes, because

I want the newest stuff.

You've gone up the alphabet.

I want the newest stuff.

Yeah, I want to go up the alphabet and up the numbers.

I want to go up the scale.

So you've got these in your living room and your bedroom.

So what have you got in the bathroom?

Well, in the bathroom, I got a 32-inch, and in the kitchen, I got a 50-inch.

Okay, right.

Hold on a second.

I mean, that's...

It's $600 per person.

Yeah.

I've got to tell you that.

Well, I'm not thinking.

I've got more stuff.

Hold on.

I got a jet ski.

I got one jet ski.

Jet ski.

Yeah, new jet, because I have a jet ski, but I figured, why not get another jet ski?

Now's the time.

Money's coming in.

Whoa.

Get another one.

And this one's faster than my old one, and it's more like a neon green.

My other one was like a hunter green.

I didn't like it as much.

And then I got a jet ski care kit.

Like, it's a kit of stuff to take care of your jet skis.

It's like a Wes.

By the way, I just want a quick shout-out.

Big Tony's Jet Skis in a Bayonne.

Whoa, whoa, no.

Thanks, don't.

Well, no, it's just, because I'm thinking maybe he'll give me a free wetsuit or something.

Don't feel I can let this go without issuing a slight word of caution.

That does seem, you seem to have exceeded your $600 limit.

Yeah, I got a couple Xboxes and stuff, too, too, and a couple Blu-ray discs.

Okay, you've spent too much.

Well, no, here's the thing, though.

You're not paying attention to the numbers because

think about it.

Like, I spent all that money and I put it on my card, my credit card, right?

And now I got $20 a month for minimum payments.

So I got, you know, do the math there, it's like, you know, 20 times, 20 times what, 30 is 600.

So there you go, 30 months.

That's almost two years of owning this stuff.

No, hold on a second.

I mean, I've been doing the maths while you've been talking, and you're in serious trouble there.

I mean, you don't own any of that.

No, I do, though.

No, you don't.

I mean, what I'm saying is you don't own that stuff because you haven't paid for it.

Oh, really?

You're going to tell me I don't own it?

Did I just watch American Idol and HD TV last night at my house?

Okay.

So what are you telling me?

Some man's going to come in and take this away from me?

I don't think that's going to happen.

It's called America.

I think that is going to happen.

We live well in this country.

That's what we do.

It's kind of the basis of the whole thing.

The founding fathers wanted that.

I'm just saying.

Were HD TVs be in the Constitution?

I'm just saying.

If there were when they wrote the Constitution.

I'm just saying that you you may find that going from watching American Idol on your jet ski,

you may just be sitting alone in an empty room.

I doubt that.

I doubt that.

And I'll tell you why I doubt that, because that's not what happens here.

People, you get stuff.

And that's what it's about.

Living in America is about living.

We stress the word living in America.

Live.

Don't come here

to low-key.

You don't come here to low-key.

You live.

You spend what you don't have because you know you're going to make it because it's America and people's dreams come true here.

It's kind of the basis of the country.

Look it up.

Hold on.

You stressed all the time.

Let me stand up.

Let me give a little twirl.

Let me remind you about what I'm wearing and where I'm from.

God, that is graphic.

Have you got your George Washington water wings on as well?

No, but I'm going to put those down on my list of things to get.

No, stop buying things.

Well, I need, like, there's one or two other things I just need.

Like, I wanted to get some new rims for my Toyota.

Ross.

You know,

have you seen these rims?

They spin independently of the wheel.

So it's like you're parked at a light, but the rim is still spinning.

So people are like, is this guy moving?

Is he standing still?

Is he moving?

I love that.

just to see the reaction on people's faces it's worth the money it's worth you're getting the world into a huge credit crunch by this kind of behavior you're jeopardizing all of our lives when you say I mean I don't understand what you mean by credit crunch I mean credit card you're saying no I'm not saying that

I'm saying you people are losing their homes around the world because of you buying jet skis I don't think so I don't think they are I think those people have their own problems and I have a jet ski you know what I'm saying and here's the thing if those people had a jet ski they probably wouldn't be so depressed about losing their homes.

You get out on the open water, you speed a little bit, you get the wind in your face.

Things are okay.

You remember, things are okay.

Oh, Andy, help me out.

He's sounding like he's making sense.

Yeah, well, we had another email

from Amanda Mitchell, American, who is actually offering her services as a replacement American for you.

She writes, I would like to offer my services should your current featured American ever become unavailable.

Though I am the current American's polar opposite in many ways, I feel I'm actually overqualified for his position, as I have plenty to be angry about, seeing as I am financially destitute, liberal-minded female who lives in northern Wisconsin.

So we're entering a battle between New Jersey and Wisconsin here.

Who is going to come out on top?

Well, yeah, man, and I would, you know, I'll tell you this.

You know, everyone in America thinks they're more American than everybody else.

And I'm proud that that's the country I live in.

You know what I'm saying?

You think you've got more to offer as American than I have to offer.

And I'll tell you right now, I think living in Wisconsin is probably hell.

So we've got a lot in common and you know keep keep the emails coming so I mean do you think being an American is kind of a competition do you think most Americans are in competition with each other for who can be the most American yeah I mean it's like anything obviously like you want your house to be nicer than your neighbor's house and you want to have better cars than your neighbor's cars and like you know all the more jet skis more jet skis you know different jet skis you want jet ski options I mean that's kind of the whole thing is about competition you know what I'm saying it's like oh yeah like you know you oh you went to dinner at Applebee's I went to dinner at Friday's and I had twice as much food as you had at Applebee's, and Friday's, everyone knows, is more expensive than Applebee's, so I'm probably doing better than you are right now.

Right.

You know, it's just like a way, you don't never say that out loud.

I mean, Amanda did, which is weird.

But, I mean, you'd never say it out loud other than that.

Now, I mean, finally, who would you say at the moment is the most American person alive, American?

Would you

have any a name there?

Reverend Wright.

Because that guy just says what's on his mind, and that's what America's all about.

That's true.

I mean, that is a good point.

Freedom of speech, and he takes full advantage of that.

That's right.

Full advantage.

In a way, this nation was built on dissent.

He's the most American man you could possibly have.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, you can't stop him.

He's like a freight train.

You just can't stop him.

He's stretching the freedom of speech to and beyond breaking points.

Completely, yeah.

And the things he's talking about are so American, you know?

It's about how black people and white people are different.

I mean, that's very American.

That is quintessentially American.

Quintessentially American.

I mean, the whole country was based on that concept.

And we moved away from it over the years.

And I think a lot of people are saying, why did we move so far away from that?

And then here comes an American saying, hey, let's move back.

Let's take a few steps back to what this country was founded on.

Hardcore racism.

And I think, you know, there's a lot to be said there.

You know, I mean, my whole life I've been taught, you know, don't say, you know, black people and white people are different.

And here he is, hey, black people clap like this, white people clap like this, you know?

And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, way to point out those differences.

I love that.

I love that.

I got some white

friends.

They'll be claping.

Clapping like this.

Hey, hey, look at this.

I don't know what I'm doing.

My hands are just going the wrong way.

But, you know, he explains that very clearly, which I respect.

And I know a lot of white people, like friends and family, who have a lot of things they like to point out about black people in public.

And we always keep it within our homes.

So I feel like Reverend right now,

he's put it out there.

I'm sure a lot of other people will be coming out and saying some interesting things.

He's uncooked the bottle.

Yes, he has.

Dora's box has just swung wide open.

Sure.

You know, when the Indiana Jones, when they open the ark and everyone's face melts, we're like a week away from that.

So, Amanda, stay in Wisconsin, okay?

We're nice, safe, and sound out there, all right?

American, as always, thank you very much for your insights into the greatest nation in the world.

It was illuminating and it was intimidating.

God bless this land.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go hang my my bathing suit on a flagpole.

Do keep your questions for the American coming in with all your other emails to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Due to the American

being so eloquent this week, I'm afraid we don't have time for any of your emails.

We will have a special email section next week and hopefully the return of the Bugle blog.

Family commitments permitting.

Bugle Sports now, and it will be an all-English Champions League final in the great British sports of football, Manchester United versus Chelsea.

Interestingly, John, all four European Cup quarter-finalists were listed in the top eight richest clubs in the world this week.

Now, to those cynics who claim that club football is becoming an uncompetitive, self-perpetuating plutocracy, I say this.

Well,

it's still 11 men against 11.

Anything can happen.

That's the beauty of sports.

And I don't think you could come up with a stronger argument than that.

There is only one step, Andy, left in the complete deromanticising of sports, and that is calling those clubs franchises.

That's the only thing we have left before we become America.

Please, let's not make that final leap.

It does mean an all-English Champions League final.

We are guaranteed that an English club will manage to do what Napoleon, with all his money, resources, and hats, could never manage.

Go to Moscow and come back with a win.

Take that, Bonaparte.

Smiling on the other side of your long dead face.

That'll teach you to kill Admiral Nelson.

Tosser.

Audio Cryptic Crossword now, and thanks for all your emails about the subjects of the Audio Cryptic Crossword, John, which I must say are overwhelmingly in favour of this great broadcast institution.

You can't have been getting any of my emails then.

John, I don't count your emails.

Anything that is remotely against the audio cryptic crossword.

I just set my computer on fire and have a little cry in the corner.

Anyway, this week's clue is 19 down, and what a clue it is.

It's six letters long,

and it's this.

Brainbox Aristotle's Smash Hit Chart Topping Morality or Bust Bestseller is in fact a mixed up pile of shite about a catcher.

And the explanation of that clue is that it originates from someone getting confused between works of ancient philosophy and the forthcoming book, Jorge Posada, The Man Who Discovered Antarctica.

And Bugle forecast now.

And the forecast is: if Boris Johnson does become Mayor of London, which will be the first nation that he will insult on behalf of this great city?

John, who do you think he's going to have a pop at first?

Tricky, I mean, everyone's going to get a taste.

Don't worry about that.

But who's going to be first?

I'm going to go with Bolivia.

Why do you think Johnson's got it in for Bolivia?

Don't know.

It's just, I think he thinks they've been skating under the radar.

He'll call them out quick.

I think he might go for Armenia, John.

Have they not suffered enough?

Well, not in Boris Johnson's mind.

Thanks very much for listening to the bugle.

Do keep your emails coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and look out for this week's new bugle blog at some point in the next month.

Hopefully this week.

John by

Andy Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.