John loves the Pope

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello folks and welcome to issue 25 of The Bugle, the world's leading, only and unquestionably best audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday the 21st of April 2008 with me Andy Zoltzmann in London and in the beautiful city of New York.

John Oliver.

Good day buglers.

Good day.

The Pope is landing in New York in about

what it should be about five minutes now.

So do expect this bugle to get a lot holier as it goes on.

He's landing at JFK.

He's getting to a helicopter.

or a Pope chopper and is flying, hovering his way into Manhattan.

So by the end of the bugle this week, I'm going to be only a few blocks away from the Pope.

You'll be able to feel the holiness.

As I said, this is the Bugle for the week going on 21st of April, which means it is now 82 years to the day since Queen Elizabeth II, or as she was known then, Princess Elizabeth II, was thwaled out into the world by the Queen Mother, that is, the third before she gifted birth royally.

So she is 82 today.

Congratulations, Mrs.

Queen.

Here is to 82 more years.

Congratulations, Mrs.

Queen.

Is there a Mr.

Queen?

Oh, there is.

I'm dreadfully sorry.

As always with the bugle, some sections go straight in the bin.

This week, a special bugle etiquette section, including a guide to dueling, the respectable, traditional way to satisfy your bloodlust.

It's making a comeback on the streets of inner-city London.

We tell you the best way to live with your dignity and life intact.

Also, what to do if a poisonous snake is crawling up a queen's leg?

What takes precedence?

Patriotism Patriotism or protocol?

An update.

Well, what a quandary.

What a quandary.

What would you go for, John?

I don't know.

Do you listen to your heart or your head?

Or a different part of your anatomy?

Oh, happy birthday, Marl.

Best birthday ever.

82.

Surely not.

8.2.

No, no, not that.

not that, no.

Have you finished?

In a very real sense.

Top story this week, and to nearly quote Bruce Springsteen, Pope in the USA.

Pope Ratzensberger, Ratzensberger, is in the land of the free.

It's the first visit by a Pope in 30 years.

President Bush, indeed, picked him up from the airport.

That's right.

The leader of the free world picked someone up from the airport.

And yes, it is the Pope, but yes, it's an airport.

And he could have got an extra morning of work on that Middle East piece that he's been promising everyone by January.

That plan must be going well, because let me reiterate, he picked up the Pope from the airport.

There's no easy way to hear that for the first time, but I think we all feel that the office of the president has been slightly soiled.

Although, again, it's been soiled so much over the last seven years that it's currently starting to look like it's just been hit by a mudslide.

One thing's for sure, this president isn't getting his face carved into the side of a mountain anytime soon.

Do you know, John, did the President overcharge the Pope for the journey back to Washington?

He certainly added on a few tolls, and I'm not sure he took the toll roads or bridges, so that's technical, isn't it?

In a break from papal tradition, the Pope, who was wearing a very fetching, on-the-shoulder, ankle-length white dress, elegant and leaving plenty to the imagination.

He did not kiss the airport runway when he landed, which was a shame.

Instead, he moonwalked down the aeroplane steps, spanned his mitre on his finger, and then body-popped whilst chanting something about Jesus.

But, you know, I guess, you know, traditions do evolve over time.

A different kind of charmer.

He's an intellectual.

He's the 265th known Pope and the 16th one to be called Benedict, which means that when he dies, they'll be able to have two rowing eights of Benedict's in heaven coxed by the two John Pauls, and they'll then be able to reenact the 1987 boat race to their heart's content.

If that's what they want, they can do it.

I don't know, I'm not a pope, and I probably never will be, I dare say.

Probably.

Yeah, that is probably true, Andy.

There's a few things about you, I think, that the Catholic Church would object to

killing their Messiah being chief amongst them.

That wasn't me that did that.

Well, it was you, really, though.

Well, yeah,

I do support that.

That's right.

You supported the execution.

That's the point.

You're part of the problem.

Yeah, it wasn't me that pulled the trapdoor.

It was that other religion, wasn't it?

We've killed so many Messiahs, they all blend into one now.

The Pope was here for his 81st birthday.

And did you remember the Pope's birthday, Andy?

Did you get him anything?

I didn't.

Ah, there you go.

Well, go to hell.

I'd have gotten him some biscuits.

Well, I got him a Pope's soap on a rope.

They're selling them here.

He can wash himself with an effigy of his own face.

It's a bit of fun, come bath time, bit of harmless fun.

I'm sure he likes to laugh, even though I have absolutely no evidence to back that claim up with.

I have faith, Andy.

I have faith that he likes a laugh, and surely he understands that kind of blind confidence in something with no facts to support it.

The Pope's celebrating open air mass at the Nationals baseball stadium in Washington, D.C., where Nationals pitcher Chad Caldero gave out the ceremonial first wafer.

But

a poll showed that when he arrived, many Americans didn't actually know who he was.

Is this true, John?

I doubt it, Andy, because a quarter of the American population is Catholic.

So I'm guessing that that is not a true survey.

Are you sure that wasn't a survey of one guy conducted by a pollster out of the window of a taxi?

Do you know who this guy is?

What?

Oh, he doesn't know.

Where are you getting this information from?

The internet, John.

President Bush apparently told the Pope these words: In a world where some invoke the name of God to justify acts of terror and murder and hate, we need your message that God is love.

To which the Pope responded by staring at him blankly, shaking his head, staring at him again, shaking his head again, scratching his cheek, coughing, looking out of the window, scratching his other cheek, forcing a half-smile, and asking him how the Texas Rangers are doing this season.

Later, the Pope urged Americans to use their faith to inspire, quote, reasoned, responsible, and respectful dialogue, of which there's been a lot coming out of the White House recently, and President Bush was seen at this moment desperately trying to suppress a giggle.

The corners of his mouth turned up, his cheeks started to quiver.

There was a slight watering in the eye, a forced seriousness in the face, quickly replaced by the bottom lip tweaking a bit, the eyes scrunching up.

Then the shoulder started to rise, the mouth tightened to splurt, force its way out, and the president then bolted for the bathroom where he locked the door and laughed like a farmer who's just convinced his favourite cow that the abattoir is a sports hall and they're going to play badminton.

But the White House did throw quite a bash for the Pope and did the biggest event at the White House since we nearly burnt it to the floor in 1814.

One of our hilarious practical jokes that weren't really taken in the spirit in which they were issued.

Just hijinks.

Bit of harmful fun.

But this speech at the White House was also notable for a number of other things.

I mean, one, the Pope ended by saying, God bless America so congratulations America that slogan is now official that is straight from the pontiff's mouth.

Bush was caught on the microphone as he led the Pope away from the podium saying awesome speech awesome speech the kind of thing that you'd say to Barry in middle management after he finished his PowerPoint presentation on team building exercises.

You really have to feel for Americans at the moment Andy because just when it seems Bush can't humiliate them anymore he discovers whole new ways.

The Pope has been poping it up for the cameras ever since he first got here, giving it the big on the Pope wherever he goes.

And he's been doing a few stadium gigs whilst here.

I mean he sold out the Washington Nationals baseball stadiums he said and he's also holding mass for 50,000 people at Yankee Stadium which is one of the singular most godless places you will ever visit and yet people will pretend to be pious while he's there.

I think what they should do is take him to a Yankees Red Sox game there, an actual game, because it would be great to see all the fans forced to watch politely and serenely whilst pretending this was how they always viewed it.

But what did Bush and Mr.

Pope talk about in their private meeting?

I guess we'll never know because it's secrets and it won't come out until the official records come out some years in the future, by which time we'll have forgotten and probably won't bother to look it up.

So we will actually never know, which means that we therefore must speculate.

And I think the conversation would have run roughly on these lines:

so, what's it like being the most powerful man in the world?

No, you tell me what it's like being the most powerful man in the world.

T-Heehee, what a wrestle.

That's how I think it went, John.

The media have gone crazy for him here, Andy, issuing the biggest compliments for someone with reactionary views on birth control whose decisions assist the spread of AIDS in Africa that I have ever heard.

I guess that's what happens if the media believe that if criticising you, they risk burning in the fires of eternal hell.

It makes you immune to bad reviews.

You might want to remember that for the Edinburgh Festival this year, Andy.

More visiting America News Now, and Gordon Brown, the current British Prime Minister, but possibly not the future British Prime Minister, has also been visiting America.

John, what has America made of him?

They have not really been paying any attention, Andy, due to this whole the Pope being here business.

This was a very bad piece of booking by the Prime Minister's people.

Very bad.

He was completely overshadowed.

I mean, completely.

I'm still not entirely convinced he was here.

If you see the Pope on a country's guest list, you should know that you're going to be completely ignored.

If a tree falls in the forest and everyone is watching and cheering the Pope, does it make a sound?

Well, only if it falls on the Pope.

Otherwise, no.

I think you've become obsessed with the Pope, John.

It's because he's here.

I can feel him.

Really?

Is it on the ground?

He's landed now.

He's landed.

Is he?

Oh, he's getting closer.

I think I heard a Eucharist in the background there.

Is that possible?

Yeah, just driving close.

It might have been a cab hooting.

It could have been a cab hooting.

Because well in Britain, John, we are beginning to think that Gordon Brown might be a bit miserable.

Lord Desai, a lifelong Labour supporter, described Gordon Brown as being like porridge and haggis compared to Tony Blair's champagne and caviar.

He said that Brown was solid, nourishing, but not exciting, which I guess is a fair point, but then if you live on nothing but champagne and caviar, the chances are you'll start acting like a prick and get into debt and wonder why people think you've lost the plot.

And it's okay for you lot in America, John, having champagne and caviar blare every now and again on special occasions, like when you want to celebrate the opening of a new war or something.

But we in Britain spent 10 years having nuggets of heavily processed champagne and caviar forced round down our gullets, and it made us heartily sick of the whole concept of food, if I may stretch that analogy too far.

The Pope says he regrets the various Catholic pedophilia scandals in the States were badly handled.

Hmm.

Badly handled.

That's That's not exactly the apology I was looking for.

I think the handling is at best people's second concern with this matter.

It's the whole it happening thing which really irked people.

Yeah, it was the well, it was really the children being badly handled that was the problem.

Oh god, he's here.

I can't, I can't handle it.

He's here.

I can feel him.

I can feel him.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

He's here.

The US Catholic Church is actually paying

£10.

I've come to the power of the power.

No, they're fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

No, yeah, but which is fine.

It's fine.

Yeah,

it's fine.

pay the money.

It's fine.

God bless all of us.

He's here.

I don't know what that works out per half hour of abuse.

Nothing.

It's

might not have happened at all.

I'd imagine it's probably

not that good a race.

I don't know.

Well, I don't know about that, Andy.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you.

I was reciting Our Father who art in heaven.

In Latin.

If if that's better, then yes.

Were you drinking human blood and eating human flesh?

I beg your pardon?

I just want you to define that fine line between Catholic and cannibal.

It's just always seemed a grey area for me, John.

It's a lot easier to say when you are three thousand miles away from the Po Bandi than when you are about one.

Other news now, and a wounded Iraqi boy has been given two million pounds compensation by the UK Ministry of Defence.

The boy was given the pout because the shooting was accidental, raising fears that similar compensation claims could be made on the grounds that, well, the entire war has kind of been a bit of an accident.

We didn't really mean to happen the way it has.

It just kind of did.

We're very sorry.

Please don't ask us for money.

In fact, he probably would have got less, John, if it had actually been a deliberate shooting.

That is the curious nature of war.

But I think this is a hugely positive development in the history of warfare, John, because it basically gives war a new and exciting lottery element.

And human history has proved that people love lotteries.

That's why, for example, lotteries are so popular.

And elections as well.

Yes, my vote was the winning ticket.

Now let's find out what it was that I voted for.

And also, religion, one of the great lotteries of life and death.

Goodbye, world.

Come on, come on.

Please be a winner.

Ah, ye.

Snake eyes.

I think bringing lottery into warfare just takes the whole political edge off it, John.

It makes it more of a game.

And if we just have the promotional cojones to promote it right, we'd never have to worry about overcoming determined guerrilla resistance again.

They'd just all be lining up to take a bullet.

Who cares who's invading if you could win two million dollars or a brand new tumble dryer?

It's so hard to put a price on alleviating your own shame.

Although the

oh no,

I had a joke about the Catholic Church here, Andy.

I don't know.

It's just different.

It's different with him here than when I wrote it when he wasn't here.

Right.

I'm going to pass on this joke, Andy.

I'm going to pass on this joke due to geographical circumstances.

You've really lost your satirical essence to Pope Landed in New York, John.

That's right.

I'll be fine come Monday when he leaves again.

When he's off.

I mean, leaves.

When he leaves.

When he leaves, when he is spirited away by the Holy Ghost.

More news from the War on Terror when details came out this week of some administrative glimpses into al-Qaeda paperwork.

This was a recently declassified memo from Mohamed Atef in 2001 to a fellow terrorist, and it's basically a letter of complaint.

He said, I was very upset by what you did.

I obtained 75,000 rupees for you and your family's trip to Egypt.

I learned that you did not submit the voucher to the accountant and that you made reservations for 40,000 rupees and kept the remainder, claiming that you have a right to do so.

Also, with respect to the air conditioning unit, furniture used by brothers and al-Qaeda is not considered private property.

He goes on to accuse him of stealing al-Qaeda stationery and having too many bathroom breaks on company time.

But this this West Point study of the documents paints a picture of and I quote bureaucracy and internal bickering.

You so rarely hear the word bickering and al-Qaeda in the same sentence.

Because you just don't assume that they're capable of degrees of anger.

I think I just presumed that they would be violently angry about everything and didn't have the capacity to be peeved, knocked, or a bit annoyed.

But I suppose they must be.

If someone spills coffee on your laptop, you can't just start wailing death to the West.

You devalue the currency of your anger.

Similarly, if you stub your toe on the corner of a table leg, you can't send a suicide bomber to blow that table up.

People will think that you're crazier than you clearly already are.

It's wonderful to hear that they can get angry at little things as well as big things like the West in general.

Just kind of shows they're human.

And I guess, also, like all of the big global brand names, al-Qaeda does have to run a tight logistical ship.

And I think it would be kind of ironic, wouldn't it, if after all these years of trying and failing to find bin Laden in his hideaway in Iraq, he was in fact finally brought down by something like a rogue expenses claim or an internal al-Qaeda disciplinary procedure over stealing some bracken red notebooks from the station.

Hypothetically speaking.

I've never done that kind of thing myself.

A British anti-terrorism official also said this week that they may have imposed the blindingly obdurate nature of Egyptian bureaucracy.

The official went on to say, you see that in the retirement packages they offered.

The list of members in Iraq, the insecure attitude towards their membership, the rifts amongst leaders and factions.

Hold on, hold on a second.

A retirement package?

That is another detail that I did not see coming.

Al-Qaeda is not a business synonymous with caring for the welfare of its employees.

It's like Walmart in in that sense, although for legal reasons, let me make perfectly clear that the comparison ends there.

It nearly ends there.

Who would have thought that they had a pension plan?

Here's the thing, Andy.

I don't have a pension plan.

I'm less prepared for my old age than members of Al-Qaeda.

That does not sound good.

That would actually be a great commercial for a pension scheme.

The average al-Qaeda member is better prepared for their retirement than you are.

Call now.

Is there any al-Qaeda member who maybe isn't really a fanatic, but if they're honest, is just in it for the benefit?

Someone's being interrogated at Guantanamo now, say, seriously, I just looked at the benefits they had and I said to myself, Mohammed, how can you afford not to declare jihad

with these benefits?

Is uh offering pensions to al-Qaeda members not a slightly false inducement though, John, given that for many al-Qaeda workers, retirement consists of the time between pressing a button and hearing the word kaboom.

Hugo feature section now and leadership.

It's all the rage these days, particularly in Italy, where they have taken the quite startling decision to re-elect Silvio Berlusconi like a dog sticking its snout into the same wasp's nest for the second time in a day.

They just can't help it.

Well done Italians.

And get this as well.

A fraud trial of Berlusconi's was suspended in February to allow him to focus on campaigning.

Only in Italy.

Only in Italy.

No, you can't try him for fraud now.

He's running for office.

There's a time and a place for that.

Bear in mind, John, this is the same country that voted Caligula in only a couple of thousand years ago, so it shouldn't surprise us.

Berlusconi has been accused of embezzlement, tax fraud, and false accounting, and attempting to bribe a judge.

I'll tell you what you're getting with Berlusconi, Andy.

Another genuinely entertaining world leader.

Huge crook, Berlusconi, massive crook.

But he has to be put right up there with Chavez for some of his rantings.

Here's something he said at a rally during the 2006 election campaign.

Read the Black Book of Communism and you will discover that in the China of Mao, they did not eat children, but had them boiled to fertilise the fields.

Well done, Silvio.

That sounds diplomatic.

On left-wing voters at a conference during the 2006 campaign, I trust the intelligence of the Italian people too much to think that there are so many pricks around who would vote against their own best interest.

Calling the electorate pricks.

Well done.

And then, finally, during the same campaign, I'm the Jesus Christ of politics.

I'm a patient victim.

I put up with everyone.

I sacrifice myself for everyone.

Oh, Silvio, it's great to have you back.

The only difference between him and Jesus is that I'm not sure he's ever been found guilty in a trial.

I don't know if that's a fact or not.

But it's as good as a fact.

Mugabe update now, and it's a tense waiting game in Zimbabwe.

A long delay after results.

Courts being asked to rule on the election.

This kind of thing would never happen here in the US, Andy, apart from the time it recently did.

But apart from that, it would never happen here.

But I just can't bear the waiting, John.

It's just so.

I just want to know who really won.

And, you know, Mugabe, also, he's a showman.

He's dragging every ounce of excitement out of this.

You know, like a TV quiz master, refusing to tell you whether you've got a question right or not.

And I mean, it is fantastic, TV.

Yeah, so it's the equivalent of saying, we'll be back right after this break.

I'll give you the results right after this period of systematic intimidation.

And they're still waiting to hear confirmation from the courts in Zimbabwe as to whether votes against Mugabe count or not.

It's a bit of a legal grey area.

Oh, right.

Okay, yeah.

Well, I mean, that could be crucial.

It could be crucial.

US leadership update now, and there has been an elitism row erupting in the Democrat Party as Barack Obama said that poor people in rural areas cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them out of frustration with their place in a changing American economy.

And if you thought it couldn't get any worse, he said it in San Francisco, which most people in the heartland think is one of the circles of hell, if not all of the circles of hell.

And I think most people are overreacting at how offended rural people in America are by this, Andy.

Rural people are very hard to offend here.

They're a hardy people.

They are kicked in the balls by horses on average four times a day.

And they just find it funny.

But elitism is electoral cyanide for the Democrats.

It saw off Al Gore and John Kerry as an issue.

And much of the time,

well, that was after elitism

was the appetizer.

Much of the time, people in America complain about being talked down to by candidates and not being given enough respect.

Then something like this happens and they claim they're given too much respect.

He's not talking down to us.

Who does he think we are?

Hey, Lord Snooty.

We don't all have butlers, you know.

If America had to choose between being given too much respect or too little, it seems that they would actually choose too little.

Better the devil, you know.

Unfortunately, this means the candidates are now involved in a competition for who can dumb it down the most.

Democracy has essentially been reduced to a how many cheese balls can you fit into your mouth contest.

I mean, look on the bright side.

That is cheaper and quicker.

And if it's still tied, we can settle it by mechanical bull.

Your emails now, and this one comes from Evan Rosenberg.

Please remember the name when you listen to the contents of the email.

Rosenberg.

Who writes, Gentlemen, recently you asked us listeners to email you with who in history have been worse imperialists than either the US and/or Britain.

I have that answer for you: it's the Jews.

Rosenberg.

Rosenberg.

The Jewish people have been around longer than most other people and still haven't managed to conquer the world, despite thousands of years of accusations that they are trying.

From the time when they were slaves in Egypt and the Pharaoh was certain they would outpopulate the Egyptians until the present day when they oh so clearly control the banks the media and the weather Jews have been poised to seize power all over the world and yet they still haven't done anything about it seriously it almost looks like they have no interest in conquering the world at all regards Evan Rosenberg.

Rosenberg.

P.S.

Rosenberg.

Have a hag, Samiak, Andy.

Did you understand that, John?

Uh no.

Who said

happy holiday?

I know that because I'm a very, very good Jew.

You're about as bad a Jew as it's possible to be.

I'm looking forward to Passover, John.

It's going to be great

this year.

Really?

Because your standard Passover is.

It's going to be a good one.

Did you know, John?

Did you know that my ex-dog, Tash, sadly departed now, was also the prophet Elijah?

I didn't know that.

Yeah, this is true because during Passover, one year when I was a kid,

there's this part of the Passover dinner service where you open the door to let the prophet Elijah come in.

So we open the door,

and in walks Tash.

So, you know, coincidence?

I don't think so.

I mean, statistically, what are the chances of the dog that lives in our house walking through a door when it was opened?

Having not been in the room and all of us having been in the room?

100 to 1.

200 to 1.

And food being in that room.

It's just, it's, I mean, just statistically, she must be Elijah.

We have another email that's religious-based.

You may remember a few weeks ago, we did a story about Tibetan monks.

We have this from Patrick Delaney, who says, I'm a monk in an Irish monastery.

And first off, I say that your podcast is very much helpful in the way that it gives me the moral support to keep on monking.

Did you hear that Pope?

He's monking because of us.

However I was enraged to hear your statement that we monks were lazy so I gathered up some of my buddies and we all smashed our heads through breeze blocks.

I felt victorious as my fellow monks broke their breeze blocks all of course but a few O'Reillys.

I don't really know what that means.

A few minutes afterwards, we were knocked out for a few weeks so we could not respond to you.

We gave the money to Brother Patrick to mail all of our breeze blocks because we can't use technology.

What?

But he spent the money on bagpipes and kilts.

It's getting weird.

So, sadly, we cannot show you our accomplishments.

Still, I want you to apologise to the whole monkish community.

Does he mean monk fish community or not?

Maybe.

I do apologise to them, but that's for eating one of them.

We have quite a lot of apologising to do some monkfish community.

But wrapping them in Palmer ham, is that a crime?

It is a Passover.

It is a Passof.

Exactly.

Not just a Passover, Andy.

You can't eat it.

I want you to apologise to the whole monkish community for calling us lazy.

And I want another from Andy for starting the horrible audio-cryptic crossword.

You can't have it.

You can't have it.

May God be with you.

Yours, Patrick Delaney, who I would say, Andy, and I'm not sure about this, but I'm quite sure about this, is not a monk.

I think Patrick is a fake monk.

If anyone has a picture of Patrick Delaney dressed as a monk, send it to the bugle at timesonline.co.uk.

We need proof.

Hottie's from history now, and another nomination has come in.

This one from Brian O'Connor, who writes, My choice for Hottie from history simply must be St.

Paula the Bearded.

Well, you've already got me interested.

In the Middle Ages, continues Brian, St.

Paula was apparently running away from an unwanted suitor intent on taking her feminine virtue.

That still did exist, apparently, in those days.

She ran into a church and prayed to God to save her.

God promptly caused a thick, bristling beard to sprout on her face.

The suitor ran off, disgusted.

Well, it's good to know how the kind of cross-fertilization of ideas goes on between gods, because that sounds like a pretty ancient Greek thing for a god to do there.

Nice work, God.

While no pictures of St.

Paul have survived, continues Brian, we can only imagine how hot she must have been to require such emergency measures.

Well, Brian, she sounds pretty damn hot.

St.

Paul of the Beardeds.

Is there anyone hotter than her in history?

That's up to you, bugle listeners.

Keep your nominations coming in.

Thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And as T.S.

Eliot said, April is the hottest month.

And thank you also to all of you, those who've emailed in your support and appreciation for the hate mail we received from Will Indy last week.

Truly, it's becoming one of the great pieces of modern literature.

And we will publish the text in full on the Bugle website at timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle.

And now,

loosen your nooses.

It is audio crossword time.

Too late.

The world's finest audio crypto crossword is heading towards the final few clues.

Foremost amongst them this week's clue, 12 across, the first time such a clue has ever featured in the history of broadcasting.

It's five letters long, and it's a clue that really warns us about the dangers of excessive expectation in childhood.

And it is this: King of computing heads off east, then south, to find things with dragons' faces on that inevitably crash to the ground and disappoint children.

Five letters.

Oh, yeah, your weekend is taken care of.

You will forecast now, and there is only one possible place to have a forecast this week, and that is Sheffield in the Crucible Theatre, the home of the World Snooker Championships.

John, I'd imagine America is getting very excited about the World Snookers Championships.

Oh, hugely excited.

And of course, I believe it's the next stop for the Pope on his journey.

I think he's going to go and bless the Crucible.

He's doing more than that, John.

He is umpiring the McManus-Ebden match,

which could be a long one.

If he could tell Ebden to get a move on, I'd appreciate it.

Well, my forecast for the World Snooker Championships, John, is is that the key ball is going to be the blue.

I can just finish this year.

It's going to be a big year for the blue ball.

The key factor is going to be physics.

I think that is really going to be what dominates how the snooker goes this year.

I just want to see what O'Sullivan's new controversy is going to be.

We've seen him do everything.

We've seen him swear at the ball, which I really appreciated.

Flipping the ball, the bird.

That is one of the greatest sights in sport.

Oh, you didn't go in?

Well, that was nothing.

It can't have been my fault.

I'm brilliant at snooker.

So, good luck, Ronnie.

Good luck, snooker.

Go, Ron!

That's all for this week.

Keep your emails coming into thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Also, a quick thanks to Ben, the sound engineer at the London End of the Bugle, who's leaving his job today, thanks to the button twiddling a little off he wants.

Ben is going to head up a paramilitary resistance group in his Becky Scale.

Good luck, Ben.

Good luck.

I'm sorry he's not on that.

I was working in another sound studio.

Wonderful.

And these rumours just won't go away, Ben.

They just keep coming up.

Goodbye, and bless you all.

Bless you, he's still here.

Bless you all.

He's still here.

John, are you coming for a gratification?

Why not?

I'll take it if he's offering it.

He's still there.

Your career's going well, you know, as you'll certainly win again.

Or be it, Andy, that my career is heading in a direction which will send me towards eternal damnation, as many people would think.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.