Bush brings yet more chaos to the Middle East

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello world, welcome to edition 12 of the Bugle for the week commencing Monday, the 14th of January, 2008, with me Andy Zoltzmann in London and in New York City, Mr.

John Oliver.

Hello buglers, bonjour, our podcast do's.

We've got a huge number of French listeners.

Yeah, that's right.

So I thought that is as far as I'm willing to go.

Welcome me to a podcast that they will then not understand.

It's noticeable that the number of cars being burnt in Parisian suburbs has significantly gone down since the bugle began.

Coming up this week, on the bugle, the Pope gives football his blessing.

Is this the end for the beautiful game?

And will Iran and the USA stop playing futsu with each other and just have a proper war?

As always, some sections of the audio newspaper go straight in the bin.

This week, the health section with features on how it is not only good but important to have a heart, how to differentiate between a tantrum and a heart attack, the importance of asking permission before doing a non-emergency tracheotomy.

And the section also includes sachets of real viruses to help you pull authentic sickies from work.

There's also a guide to how to choose the right pencil case for your child.

That's in the bit.

Top story this week, Bush is in the Middle East.

Bush has landed in the Middle East for the latest step in his intention to try and do at least one positive thing before he leaves power to spend more time rocking backwards and forwards in a chair in Texas whilst whittling something.

He landed in Bethlehem by helicopter, just like Jesus did, and prayed in the grotto of the nativity.

And the trip caused massive disruption.

Huge areas of Jerusalem were shut down.

His 45-car convoy brought motorways to a standstill and his presence required 10,000 police officers and 237 hotel rooms.

He's actually managed to bring chaos to the Middle East.

He's made it worse.

That's a massive achievement to destabilise a region which all experts agree could not be destabilised anymore.

They have to create a Nobel Prize for that.

You have to!

You know, rather than destabilizing through military means, he's now doing it through pure logistics.

Yeah.

Which, you know, is maybe hope for a slightly more peaceful, if irritable, world.

He arrived spewing out meaningless platitudes and empty statements like a car sick child.

It's what he does best.

Exactly.

One of his openers was, this is a historic opportunity to work for peace.

And I'll tell you when another one of those times was, Andy, the year 2000, when he was elected leader of the free world.

But he's shown absolutely no interest in doing anything with that opportunity in the last eight years.

Why start now?

Well, better late than never, John.

Let's give the guy some credit.

We've all made mistakes.

He was just lucky that his intro was very full.

He got into the White House.

First thing he wrote down, fix the Middle East.

It just got covered up under a pile of other memos.

Right.

Mostly telling him not to fix the Middle East.

But the important thing is he's got around to it eventually, and I'm sure the Middle East will be fixed or at least made slightly more difficult for his successor, whoever he or she may be.

He.

He went on to say that peace in the Middle East was in sight, and I would love to know where he buys his binoculars because they can see for decades.

Decades backwards.

About 6,000 years backwards before the whole yeah, you can have that bit incident.

That's a great way of boiling down that hugely complicated problem.

It was, I believe, history records the yeah, you can have that bit.

Oh, actually, I'm not sure incident.

So many global problems can be traced back to that.

Or, indeed, it can be traced back to a British man with a pen drawing on a map saying, oh, that'll do.

One bit for us, one bit for everyone else.

I'm sure that'll work out alright.

Now, cricket.

But he's insisting that a deal be done by the time he leaves power in 2009.

And that is just breathtaking arrogance.

Because he could, and this is a crazy idea, he could not worry too much about a self-serving timetable and instead try to build a peace that will last rather than one that will fall down within two months.

He's become like a cowboy builder.

You're going to get a peacekeeper walking around the West Bank in 2010,

oh dear, oh dear, who on earth constructed this piece?

Best thing you can do, tear the whole thing down and start again, and it ain't going to be cheap.

I can tell you that.

This is going to cost you.

Super accent work, John.

That is very much.

Absolutely.

That is National Youth Theatre Standard.

Oh, come on.

What are Bush's possible successors likely to do on the Middle East?

Almost any potential successor will do more than him.

I mean, that's important to remember, and that's literally of any of the American citizens' present or future will probably do more than he did.

I don't know if you saw when Prime Minister Olmert greeted him in his speech, and he thanked Bush for coming, and then thanked him for upping the amount of yearly aids that Israel has given, saying now up to an overall package of $30 billion a year.

And he said that in an actual speech, the actual amount.

That is a little classless.

Thanks for coming, and it would be remiss of me not to thank you for the 30 billion, which has really helped around here.

It does make it sound a bit like a game show, doesn't it?

And what's the aid this year?

£30 billion, everyone.

And let's see what Palestine have got.

Oh dear.

The US policy in the Middle East seems to ignore the fundamental lesson of childhood.

The cartoon lesson of childhood, Andy, that it was only when Acme stopped selling hardware to Wiley Coyote that Roadrunner was able to live in peace.

It was an incredibly stage-managed visit Andy I think you saw the best bit just after the welcome reception they went to this huge shindig which involved Bush having to stand in front of what looked like 30 excitable children with flags jumping around to a disco version of Havanaguela and

it was absolutely incredible television.

And you realize it's the curse of the international statesman.

You have to stand there and smile.

It's not all starting wars, running the world, you know, it's opening sewage refineries, watching incomprehensible local dancing and accepting appalling gifts.

And that wasn't all, because then out wandered this creepily flirtatious 13-year-old sitting somewhere over the rainbow in Hebrew.

As I was watching it, I felt this strange sensation in my stomach that I'd never felt before, and I realised I felt sorry for him.

It wasn't all peace and love in the Middle East this week.

Once again, the two great remaining superpowers of the world, the USA and Iran, came to the very brink of war as Iran deployed the most feared weapon of all, the speedboat against

America's poor, frail warships.

War destroyer.

The speedboat, a notoriously dangerous vessel,

the Iranians have accused America of fabricating a film in which one of the Iranian speedboat drivers, if that's the correct technical term, said, I'm coming at you, I will explode.

Which in terms of a threat on a military level is fairly low-level banter at worst.

When you listen to the audio, you think maybe the Iranians have got a point, because it did sound like a bad 1980s action film.

I am coming at you, you will explode.

All I'm saying is there seem to be three explanations, Andy.

Either a member of the Revolutionary Guard does a very good Kurt Russell impression, or the Pentagon have just used the audio from Big Trouble in Little China, or, and most likely, Kurt Russell is actually a member of the Revolutionary Guard.

No one's heard from him for a while.

Well, you know, an audition's an audition, and, you know, sometimes it acts as like you've got to take whatever you're offered.

But Goldie Horne is also in the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, so it's all fine.

Is she?

I'm surprised she managed to get into that.

She's doing a real-life Iranian private Benjamin.

Goldie, you're so charming, I didn't notice you're a woman.

Now, let's stone her to death.

At ease.

It was a nice easy way into the new year this from Armadinajad though Andy just a little bit of speedboat pranking nothing too much.

Don't overstretch yourself too early.

There's a long year ahead and you don't want to be punched out by the autumn.

Promises to be a spectacular year for Armadinajad.

Really heading up the rankings.

He's already near the top but he could really break through to challenge Chavez and Roger Federer at the very top.

The speedboats were described by Pentagon's spokesman as being visibly armed, unlike the American warships, which were there for purely recreational fishing.

It was described as harassment of the US warships.

Now, warships are not designed to deal with harassment.

They can withstand military attacks, but harassment just hits them right in the self-esteem, which is the warship's most vulnerable area.

Let's not forget how the Bismarck in World War II has finally sunk after a three-day campaign of wolf-whistling, jostling, and petty vandalism by the British Navy.

So, in many ways, harassment is the best way to sink a seemingly impregnable warship.

Primary season.

Well the New Hampshire primary was completed last week and caused a media tornado and rightly so.

Already half of one percent of all those entitled to vote in November have spoken.

We're very much in the home straight now Andy.

The media had almost unanimously predicted that Barack Obama would take New Hampshire by around 10 points, which turned out to be entirely correct, as long as you minus 13 points from that total.

You have to read the small print with these polls, John.

They've proved the media.

They've learnt absolutely nothing from the election of 2000.

They're like irresponsible goldfish.

Well, it wasn't just the media that got the 2000 election wrong.

It was, in fact, the voters, because although they didn't vote George W.

Bush in, they were wrong, and he was actually the winner.

So

it's a very complicated, very complicated process.

You know, we should be pleased that the public now clearly lying outright to pollsters.

You know, maybe taking their lead from the politicians they're voting for in the outright deceit is really the way forward.

There is nothing more entertaining than seeing an embarrassed newscaster backing down on live television.

That's true, that's true.

There have been record turnouts in the primary so far.

At one point, New Hampshire very nearly ran out of ballot papers.

And that is the one thing that democracy is just not built to withstand, Andy.

Active participation in the process.

The very last thing that Washington needs right now is an inspired electorate.

Hillary Clinton's comeback though was absolutely incredible in New Hampshire.

Everyone had written her off Andy and it's an absolute fairy tale.

She's the underdog of underdogs operating on a shoestring budget of just a hundred million dollars.

She was just a little girl with a dream and a deep-felt sense of entitlement.

Can she capture the American imagination, Andy, with her ideology of democratic inevitability?

How influential were the tears of Hillary Clinton in swinging America's notoriously sensitive voters behind her?

It's interesting.

I mean, that was one of the biggest stories out of New Hampshire was when Hillary Clinton seemed to have broken down in tears on the campaign trail, even though she neither broke down nor actually cried.

And that makes it in many ways a better story.

The press started saying, did Hillary's crying affect people's vote?

And then you have to ask yourself, could they hold the electorate in any more contempt than that?

The media seem to believe that voters in America have the emotional intelligence of a six-year-old girl looking at a puppy.

Is that not the case, John?

I would hope not.

Not all of them.

But the press seems to be very concerned as well about whether you can trust someone who has emotions as president.

And you have to...

have to really put these candidates in context.

They're all been on less than three hours' sleep now for the last fortnight.

And if I had to spend the whole day and most of the night shaking hands in diners on that little sleep I would have decapitated someone with a syrup server by now.

I mean it might be that that would actually get the electorate behind you think well here's a man who when he feels something acts upon it and it's the kind of decisive action you need in a president.

So maybe actually you know if one of the candidates struggling in the polls just went postal

in a small restaurant, then you know it might really bump them up the polls.

Who knows?

You respect the strength.

You respect the strength.

Although you know I mean let's be honest.

I I mean, there have been some great cries in history, but often women haven't been amongst those.

You know, you didn't catch Bodicea crying.

She was too busy strapping swords to the wheels of her chariot and slicing Roman soldiers' legs off.

She didn't have time to cry.

You have a bit of a thing for Bodicea, don't you, John?

Hold on.

I see what you're trying to do here, Annie.

Do not try and involve me in this hotties from history thing.

Very clever.

Come on.

Nice fishings, Ultimate.

Very clever.

I've seen the calendar on your bedroom wall, John.

Yep, Bodicea doing a wheelie in a chariot.

You just feel so safe.

Can I say it?

Has been incredible.

The response to the hotties from history has been both amazing and hugely disappointing.

Which more later in the show.

But CNN actually ran a poll during and then at the end of the night, a phone-in poll

saying, Are you tired with the way the media is treating the current primaries?

And it was 94% yes.

You can't get 94% of people to agree on anything.

Anything.

You have to be so bad at your job to get people to 94% agree with that.

And now some British news.

Britain is going nuclear, or slightly more nuclear than it already is, which is relatively nuclear, but not as nuclear as it has been or could be.

But we are going a bit more nuclear.

A lot of people are concerned about this.

Some people see nuclear power stations not so much as crucial elements of a future energy policy, as massive treble twenties for terrorists.

I guess there are, you know, there are certain safety precautions that Britain has always taken with nuclear power stations.

For example, Dungeoness, famous power station in Kent, they are very cleverly built right on the very south coast of Britain.

So any terrorist wanting to blow Dungeon S up have to, if if they're entering Britain from the north, have several hundred miles of heavily defended territory to cross before they get there.

So that makes it much safer, assuming terrorists do attack Britain from the tip of Scotland.

Well, I can't think of any other direction they'd attack.

No, it seems the most logical.

The whole nuclear programme does seem to be based largely on the fingers crossed attitude, as well as the, well, it's not our problem, it's the problem of the people who are going to be here in a thousand years' time.

And they're not going to vote us out of office.

So I'm sure it'll be fine.

Musharraf!

Pervez Musharraf made headlines this week in a 60-minutes interview when he claimed that Benazir Bhutto was to blame for her own death.

He said, for standing up outside the car, I think she was to blame alone, nobody else.

Responsibility is hers.

And Andy, he's caught some flack for this, but he's absolutely right.

My dad used to say to us on family holidays, if you put your head through the sunroof to wave at your friends, don't blame me if you're assassinated.

And you know what?

He was right, I've never been assassinated.

That's just good parenting.

Well, also, let's not forget, if she hadn't stood up in the car, the bomb would not have gone off.

Also, I mean, there's other things she could have done to avoid being assassinated.

Not leave the house that morning, so that's another thing she could have done, not returned to Pakistan in the first place.

That would have saved her being assassinated.

If she hadn't survived the previous assassination attempt, she would not have been assassinated that time.

There's a lot of things, there's a lot of steps.

It's almost like she wanted to be assassinated.

Most car insurers have sunroof assassination clauses now.

And there's the smoking gun.

I've got to say that was my first response when I saw the footage on the news.

It certainly was not.

Oh look, the Pakistan security services have let a man with a gun and a bomb belt wander unopposed up to the car.

No, what I thought was, oh, I guess Bhutto must have wanted this because that is a classic case of sunroof suicide.

Mushraf, it's a brave statement from Mushraf.

No one yet has been ballsy enough to point the finger of blame at JFK for his own assassination.

And yet, there he was, driving along in a car with the top down, just asking to be shot.

You know, if you're JFK, and I'm not saying you are, but if you are JFK,

if you are JFK and you're plotting your route through Dallas, you know how many presidents are assassinated from grassy knolls.

Just don't just make sure they're not on the route.

Exactly.

Avoid book depositories and grassy knolls.

Basic safety steps that are in any avoiding assassination handbook you can buy in all good bookshops.

If you've got anyone else you think is to blame for their own death, please keep it to yourself.

If you're an international leader and have an opinion on a really horrendously recent assassination, please wait and then never say it.

And now a special bugle feature section on technology.

Love it or hate it.

Technology exists.

Bill Gates has hailed the age of digital senses and all kinds of technology that no doubt will make our lives even more meaningless in the future.

Did Bill Gates mention the making life even more pointless in his keynote speech?

Oh, I believe he.

Some more things which are going to make life vapid, uninteresting and ultimately worthless.

All this took place at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas.

20,000 products on display.

One of the big stories that came out of it were reports that Intel undermined a not-for-profit scheme to bring cheap laptops to children in the developing world.

And I'm guessing it was the not in the not-for-profit which became a problem for them.

The head of Intel said that such claims were hogwash.

And it is great to hear hogwash back as a retort.

I do hope that after saying hogwash, he twirled his moustache and then challenged someone to a race around the world.

I only said it was hogwash.

I'd have gone with balderdash.

The head of Intel went on to say that the premise that we actually divorced over is that there is not one solution to this problem.

No one company, no one solution has a monopoly on kids.

I believe that they are in the process, though, of securing the patent on the concept of childhood.

And if that goes through, you had better hope that you've hit puberty in time, or you'll be on the end of a heavy invoice.

Oh, that is difficult.

I have a child.

Do you think I should just send her to Intel now saying, Yeah, I believe this is technically yours?

Other products at the Vegas Electronics Show included a 3D television.

Let's hope they never offer the news in 3D.

And also a 150-inch plasma TV.

150 inches of television, Andy.

I've got mixed feelings about this.

Obviously, it uses far too much energy, but it is a massive TV.

And when you think about it, no one who owned one would ever get on a plane again, as you wouldn't want to be that far away from it.

So it probably balances itself out carbon-wise.

Another of the inventions that caught my eye were digital books, which are book-sized and actually feel like paper.

And what else is like that?

An actual book.

Other technologies breaking through this year are the remote control mood chip, which you can implant in your family's skulls.

So you can adjust their mood according to how you want them to be when you get home from a hard day at the office.

So whether you want them to be pleased to see you,

if you want a nice welcome home and thanks for placing us so centrally in your life,

or if you want them to be a bit stroppy, if you fancy a bit of aggravation to make you want to go to work again in the morning

and also

a new version of the tea's made which is the breakfasts made in which you simply insert some flour yeast water and a live pig before you go to bed and wake up to a fresh bacon sandwich

now your emails thank you very much for continuing to send in your emails those that don't get into the show can now be seen in the new bugle blog which you can access at timesonline.co.uk/slash thebugle.

We've had a number of slightly curious emails this week.

Most of them, understandably and rightly, in my opinion, are on the motive hotties from history subject.

But this was a slightly curious one from Austin Glenn, John,

addressed to you.

So, John, have you grown a strike beard?

Is that code?

Is that a contribution to the audio-cryptic crosswords?

I've no idea.

I mean, the strike beard, what's happening with that is that Letterman and Conan have got strike beards.

They're growing a beard for the length of the strike.

And the way it is at the moment, they're going to have a pretty long beard in a few months' time.

So I'm not, I haven't grown a strike beard.

I'm not going to lie to you.

It's been between 80 and 90% hotties from history this week, including some people sending JPEGs to prove their case as well.

Think very carefully before submitting your hotties from history.

Make sure they are...

From history, we've had a few that are slightly too recent and they are genuinely scalding.

I think

a fair stipulation as well would be that don't send in a hottie from history unless you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror.

There is something incredibly creepy about that.

Not as creepy, though, as the email from Jasper Smith, also on the hotties from history.

I'm surprised that you have overlooked the, and I quote, Nazi babe Ava Brown.

Oh, dear.

Oh, this, I don't like the way this is going.

He's going out, he's going out big.

He said, yes, she was a little bit right-wing and fascist, but that never did her any harm.

It did eventually do her harm.

I would not pick Ava Brown for

reasons of history that I think should make her ineligible for the Hottie from History Award.

It's just the pillow talk would be really awkward.

Other notable nominees for the Hotty from History was one from Kylie Adams saying, Alexander Hamilton is the hottest personage ever to grace a piece of US currency.

Described him as pretty yet undeniably masculine, with the most handsomely tied cravat you've ever seen, and those eyes.

Sure, the man was a literal and figurative bastard, and even worse, an economist.

But they're such lovely eyes.

This one comes in from Amy Albright.

She writes, I would like to suggest for your bugle version of the Pirelli calendar.

Brackets, you know you love the idea, John, and I think, John, you're warming to it.

General Sir Banastra Tarleton.

I can't think of a hotter Mr.

January, writes Amy, and a better representative of the few remaining loyalists in the States than the beloved Bloody Ban.

Good nickname.

After all, my obscure 18th-century military figure that has been portrayed on screen by Jason Isaacs in tight black pants and riding boots warrants further recognition.

Nice and obscure, Amy.

This is one of my favourite reasons for a choice.

Brett Sommenshine from Brooklyn in New York said, my hottie from history has to be Clement Attlee.

I've always gotten so aroused reading about how Labour won the 1945 elections that I've never been able to focus on how World War II ends.

That is that is pretty good.

So do keep your hotties from history coming in.

The rest will be rounded up in the Bugle blog.

Should we answer some non-hotty related emails?

Well, you're going to struggle to find Andy.

You can't argue with democracy, John.

The people have spoken.

This just shows that democracy doesn't work.

It shows, in this celebrity-obsessed age that we live in, people just crying out to fancy people who are long dead.

This is from Gabriel Reid on Hillary Clinton, who writes, in a move that set the feminist movement back two decades, presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton took a cue from my ex-girlfriend's playbook and decided to cry in an obvious attempt to win back votes.

He carries on later in the day as the new polls came out showing Hillary's support fading.

She told independent voters in Manchester that she was, quote, pregnant with their baby and that she is the only one who loves them.

Gabriel concludes, When will this pathetic ploy end?

And when will she stop having babies with independent voters?

And I'd like to finish the email section with this from Ishan Kolhatka.

A quite spectacular effort from Ishan, who writes, Surely, if the Pope took part in some sort of televised pugilism that was available to viewers for a one-off fee, it would be a papal view event.

Not enough puns being sent in.

Thank you, Ishan.

That is a quite momentous effort.

What a pun.

If there are any other bugle listeners who have the courage to match that level of pun, do send it in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And it's sport time on the bugle now.

The big sporting story in World Sport this week is the racism row rocking the sport of cricket.

The gentleman's game has degenerated into the most infantile retrograde bickering imaginable.

Indian bowler Harbijan Singh banned for allegedly using a racist comment towards Andrew Simons, Australian player.

Neither umpire heard it, and it's purely one player's word against another.

The Indians then threatened to throw their toys literally not only out of the param but out of Australia and go home.

The background to this Australia won a spectacular victory, one of the most incredible victories in Test cricket history, largely on the back of outright cheating.

Once again, their Faustian pact with the cricketing devil, Australia.

30 years of dominance of the game.

Anything goes in return for an eternity in hell of being given dodgy umpire and decisions.

But I think all cricket fans around the world are just hoping that everyone involved grows up.

Interestingly, the Pope this week was saying that he'd like the game of football to be a vehicle for the education of the values of honesty, solidarity, and fraternity.

I don't know how much contemporary football the Pope watches.

It can only be none.

And he said this in Italy, which is more famous for match fixing, large-scale corruption, and fans getting stabbed with screwdrivers, and of course, the last echoes of terrorist fascism.

But football's got a lot to teach young people

today.

What key key values are they?

Not just honesty, solidarity, and fraternity, but also tribalism, avarice, diving, the two-footed challenge, 4-5-1, and lumping it up to the big man in the box.

All these important values for children to learn.

But I guess the question raises itself, John.

Would Jesus have been good at football?

Oh, good question.

I mean, he had a great physique.

Wow, Andy.

Is that a nomination?

It's not a nomination.

That sounds like a nomination.

It's not a nomination.

Do you have the barefaced balls to nominate Jesus for your hostie from history?

All the contemporary pictures painted of him as a European white man 1500 years after he died showed him with a rippling six-pack.

So I just, you know, he'd probably have had a good engine, a box-to-box player.

If not, Bugle listeners, if Jesus wouldn't have been good at football, what sport would Jesus have been good at?

The options are...

Oh, that is a good question.

Yep.

The options are netball, snooker, golf, snowboarding, or freestyle gymnastics.

And we'll tell you the answer next week.

So do get your answers in on that one too to bugle at timesonline.co.uk.

In wrestling results this week, Tony Blair beat his conscience in a disappointingly one-sided contest.

And now it's time for the award-winning audio-cryptic crossword section of the show.

What award is that?

What award did it win?

Andy Zaltzmann Award for Best Audio Crossword 2007-2008.

Oh, congratulations, I had no idea.

It's a piece of silverware, John.

You can't argue with that.

This week's clue is seven down, the one you've all been waiting for, eight letters long.

And this is a clue which touches on the injustices of

a monarchical system.

And this is the clue.

Edith and Spanish King are head over heels.

The result is a curious basis for deciding who the monarch should be.

Eight letters.

Oh, Andy, I've just heard the audio crossword has won another award.

What's that, John?

It's won the 2008 John Oliver Award for Best Thing Which Should Stop.

Congratulations!

There's only one thing that should stop in the audio crosswords section, John, and that is you bleating about it because you don't have the brains to do it.

Bugle forecast now.

Here is the forecast of which day next week will be the best.

Andy?

I...

Wednesday.

It's just got a feel of a good Wednesday coming up.

Really?

You've got a good feeling about Wednesday?

Yeah.

I'm going to go with Saturday.

Your classic Saturday.

I know it's a staple, but

it's going to be a cracker Saturday.

I don't think we've got any real evidence for that I think that's wishful thinking anyway thank you for listening to the bugle once again do keep your emails coming in the bugle at times online.co.uk and don't forget to look at the bugle blog on the webpage goodbye cheerio

hi buglers it's producer chris here i just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.