Have an Adequate Christmas

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello!

For the first and only time, this is edition 10 of The Bugle for the week beginning the 17th of December, 2007.

Welcome to the show.

I'm Andy Saltzman in London and in New York there is Mr.

John Oliver.

Welcome to this special Christmas bugle.

Pour a glass of eggnog, take a sip of that glass of eggnog, spit that eggnog onto the floor and then pour that glass of eggnog out the window.

So as always some sections of the bugle do go straight in the bin.

This week a supplement on the latest alternative therapy craze, voodoo surgery.

which comes with a free voodoo scalpel and tokens for a voodoo dialysis machine for those of you have a relative far far away who needs urgent kidney treatment also in the pin is the music section including a feature on led zeppelin's successful reunion gig so successful there are now rumours that they will have a reunion of the reunion

So in today's spangly Christmas bugle, we lead off with some of the Christmas-based stories to make you feel Christmassy at this very Christmas time.

And Kwanzaa and Hanukkah.

Christmas to me, John, is like a self-assessment tax return.

It comes around once a year with the dread inevitability of a drunken car crashing into a bus stop.

You always leave it to the last minute.

It's ruinously expensive, but it's always slightly more fun than you anticipate.

Well, Merry Christmas, everyone.

You old Scrooge.

It's that most wonderful time of the year.

So our top story this week, the Pope has looked at global warming and thought, well,

I'm not yet convinced.

Pope Benedict XVI launched an attack on climate change prophets of doom, warning them that any solution to global warming should be based on firm evidence and not dubious ideology.

These remarks will be made on January the 1st for World Peace Day.

And what better way to start the new year than with an ear-catching piece of environmental scepticism?

It's just what Jesus would have wanted.

It might strike some of you as being a bit odd that the the head of the Catholic Church has called for firm evidence to be used rather than dubious ideology.

This, of course, is the same Catholic Church that has brought you such entertaining science as turning biscuits into real human flesh and the incredible spermless embryo.

The Pope is right, Andy.

Maybe this is God's will.

Maybe he thinks there are some design problems with his first generation Earth, and he's sorting them out, adding some warmth here and there.

These are not natural disasters, Andy.

They're upgrades.

He made this world.

He can tinker with it.

Looking at the environmental state of the world, it does seem increasingly clear that the world has been designed with built-in obsolescence, making it very like Japanese TV, milk, and women.

Let's just let that silence linger

as that joke sinks in to 51% of the Earth's population.

But I'm not saying there's anything wrong, John, with the Pope and his fellow Catholics believing in magic.

But I think let's have some consistency.

You know, if the Pope said that our solutions to global warming should be based on dubious ideology, not on firm evidence, then I'll take the guy seriously.

At least he'd be singing off the same hymn sheet as himself.

Well, he is leader of a billion Roman Catholics worldwide, Andy, so he's got quite a lot of people on his side.

How many people have you got on your side?

Well, at last count,

one.

Wife and one child, Andy?

That's just

the child.

Yeah, you're right.

The Pope's got you beat, and not for the first time.

This has been other Christmas gifts.

Britain is giving Basra back to the Iraqis.

If they don't like it or it doesn't work, we have got the receipt, so they have to send it back, and we will replace it with another Basra.

So, does this mean now that we're giving Basra back, that the war was right all along?

I mean, there are still more people alive in Iraq than dead, so it can't have been all bad.

And also, the Americans are so tied up in Iraq, they can't realistically invade anywhere else.

So, it's actually been very good for peace fans as well.

I do hope, Andy, that the Iraqis will be polite enough to send us a thank you note for this beautiful, thoughtful present of ours.

Dear Britain, thank you very much for the city of Basra.

It's just what we wanted.

A couple of things: it seems to be a lot angrier and more damaged than when we last saw it.

Is this a display copy at all?

Also, is there an instruction manual for how to get the security forces to work properly?

We couldn't seem to find one.

Thanks again for such a beautiful city.

It's a perfect replacement for the one we lost in 2003.

Thank you so much.

Lots of love, the people of Iraq.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, that's lovely.

I want to know what we're going to get from them in return, because not only have we given them Basra, but we've given them Democracy, albeit not a leading brand version of Democracy.

But Democracy, nonetheless, does actually contain swallowing hazards, so it isn't suitable for children.

So I would expect Iraq to send Britain at least a PlayStation in return.

Would that be even then?

I think it probably would be, yeah.

It would be even.

Depends if it comes with complimentary games.

You'd expect at least a golf simulator along with that.

You want a PlayStation, don't you, Andy?

I'm 33.

Yeah.

Your point stands.

But how do you think the Basra handback is going to go, John?

I mean, who's going to be running Basra by Christmas 2008?

Well, I mean, it's hard to say.

The optimist in me says the Iraqis.

The cynic says no one will be running Basra.

Basra will be running a law unto itself.

I think it's going to come down to one of the following: Iraqi goodies, Iraqi baddies, Britain again, Iran, the Viet Cong, let's not rule them out.

It would be a surprise, John, but they've been lying low for a long time.

True.

Very long time.

Venezuela, let's not rule Chavez out.

He's getting jaunty.

Or possibly the New England Patriots.

They just look invincible at the moment.

They do.

They do.

If anyone can bring some security to that region, it is the Patriots' defence.

They're looking tough.

Yeah.

Really tough.

And, you know, Brady can pick out the runners, and that could be crucial down Basra High Street.

Maybe Tom Brady can bring hope to that troubled region.

Just his percentage pass rate is so high, and the Iraqis surely would respect that.

Yeah, and he's just calm under pressure as well.

And that's what Basra needs.

But if you could be given a city for Christmas, John, what city would it be?

Oh, that is a tricky one.

I think I'd take Montevideo.

Really?

I'd like Bologna in Italy, but that's only because I had my wallet stolen there about eight years ago and I'd just want a chance to find the culprits and bring them to belated justice.

But when I was a kid my granny gave me and my brother the Uzbek capital Tashkent.

It was a nice gesture, though we didn't really want it and ended up bickering over who got to play with the airport.

We ended up not really using it much, and I think it's still in the loft at my parents' house along with the two million angry Uzbeks that came with it.

Well, you know, eBay, Andy.

I mean, that's that's the beauty.

Nowadays, if that happened, you'd just slam it straight on eBay.

But I guess that's what lofts were for in the olden days.

I just feel guilty giving it away, though, because my grandmother passed away.

So, even though I don't really use Tash Kent, you know, a memento.

It's not really an heirloom, though, is it?

Oh, not really, no.

Almater, on the other hand, has been in the family for generations.

Bad Christmas news, and we hear that UK Christmas dinners will produce the carbon footprint of 6,000 car journeys around the world.

It will create 51,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide.

That's based on production, processing, and the transportation costs of the ingredients.

So, when you're biting into your turkey on Christmas Day, I hope you can't look a tree full in the leaf.

The very least you can do before you tuck in is walk outside and apologise to a bush.

The very least you can do.

John, is this problem not also applicable to any other meal of the year?

Not just Christmas turkeys that drive 51 times around the world.

I think it's more about the importation of stuff.

Say, like the cranberry sauce alone, which is normally imported from the North America region, contributes half of the carbon footprint related to transport.

And so to combat that, Andy, I'm offering to smuggle your cranberry sauce this year about my person.

There is a way to mitigate the carbon footprint of your Christmas dinner, and that is not to use any energy cooking the food.

Just eat it all raw, turkey carpaccio, yum, and good for the environment.

However, Greenpeace have announced their intention to send out 5,000 volunteers to break into people's houses in the middle of the night and chain themselves to your Christmas dinner.

So, if you wake up Christmas morning to see a scruffy man bolted to your turkey screaming monster at you, then you'll know what's going on.

Just turn up the volume on the Christmas carols and eat around him.

That's my advice.

I'm afraid my dinner is even more catastrophic for the environment because it's an Oliver family tradition to have a roast polar bear for lunch.

We don't even like it, but you know, it's a tradition.

This is a Christmas gift alert.

The UK is to ban imitation samurai swords.

I mean this is particularly bad news for me Andy's.

I'll pretty much get everyone imitation samurai swords every year.

The reason being you can never have too many.

Well you are from a long line of samurai warriors, John.

So that's what people don't know about you, so it's understandable.

The Home Office Minister Vernon Coker said that in the wrong hands samurai swords are dangerous weapons.

Let those words sink in for a while.

And also just imagine how dangerous they would be if they were in the right hands of a skilled practitioner of samurai swordsmanship.

No, that's not true.

In the right hands they are used to spread jam on your crumpets.

That's what the samurais were all about, toasted afternoon snacks.

You know nothing about samurais.

As we've established, I am from that bloodline.

Why the samurai sword, Andy?

This is yet another example of Britain losing its identity.

What's wrong with the good old-fashioned imitation crossbow the gentleman's weapon or the quintessentially english broadsword an escalibur how about the queen's own painted nunchucks i'm not sure about banning imitation weapons of any kind though they're always talking about banning imitation firearms but i think they really should be encouraging the use of imitation firearms over actual firearms which are often far more dangerous and if only we could encourage all of the world's armies to use imitation guns and bombs then maybe we would have peace this Christmas.

And that, after all, is what some of us want.

But I mean, that is the clever twist that genuine samurai swords are still okay.

It's the knock-offs that you can't have.

That's lucky, because I have a samurai sword.

But it is for private use in my own personal blood grudges.

I have to avenge the death of my ancestors, Andy.

They're all dead.

I suspect foul play.

All of them are dead.

I will track down the perpetrator.

Further and further back in my family tree, Andy, there's more and more corpses.

I will have my vengeance.

What would you like for Christmas, John?

I'd like a samurai sword.

I thought you said you had one.

I told you that you can't have too many.

I want an imitation samurai sword because I love breaking the law in a petty way.

I guess they're like golf clubs, though.

They're all slightly different, aren't they?

Although you're not allowed, I think the real samurais aren't allowed more than 13 samurai swords in their bag at any one time.

Yeah, and one of them has to be a very lofted sword as well.

Personally, these are the things on my Christmas list.

I would like a giant working replica of Nadia Komenech, but it's got to be at least 30 feet tall.

I'll bear that in mind.

I'd also like the power of life and death over the people of the northern hemisphere.

I'd like the world's largest watermelon.

I would like pancreatitis.

I'd like my old bin back from the people at 53.

Stop settling scores.

I'd like the Queen Mother back from the dead.

Oh, yeah, true.

We all want that.

We all want that.

Taken from us all so tragically early, Andy.

Other things I want: a ride on a dolphin, a trolley dash around the British Museum, a game of table tennis with Hillary Clinton, a Portuguese accent, and some of what my daughter would like for Christmas, John, and that is a solution to the world's environmental crisis.

And it doesn't appear that she's getting it at the Bali conference.

It's being its usual obstructive self on climate change.

Still waiting to be convinced about the long-term economic and social benefits of saving the world, it seems.

Yeah.

And I guess until climate change is proven scientifically to have a likely major impact on the key swing states within four years, no president is really likely to do anything about it.

Interestingly, the US and China signed a deal on the environment after a three-day conference in China.

That's America and China signing a deal on the environment.

You might think that is the eco-equivalent of Hitler and Stalin combining to set up a joint organization to promote ethnic minority communities.

But I guess it's a step in the right direction, albeit a small step and probably in the wrong direction.

Well, an analogy of Hitler and Stalin to China and the US, Andy.

Let me distance myself from that particular metaphor.

That's all that's a mixed doubles match I'd love to see.

Sure is, you'd probably play Hitler at the net and Stalin with his big, big serve, booming it down like Roddick.

Yeah, he concentrated too much on his service game and not enough on not committing genocide.

If you've got a criticism of Stalin as a tennis player, that would be that.

The most Christmassy thing I saw this week, Andy, was Barney's Christmas video.

Barney, of course, being the White House presidential dog.

And this video has become something of a presidential tradition ever since President Hoover got drunk one night and decided to make a rap video with his parakeet.

The tape got leaked, and the White House had to pretend it was a Christmas message.

Last year's Feel Good video was about Barney and his new playmate, Miss Beasley, and featured them running about the White House.

This year's Feel-Good video is about national parks and features them running about the White House.

But this is definitely a more mature film from Barney who is fast becoming something of an auteur.

He's the cura sawer of presidential dogs.

There's one shot of him running aimlessly around with his tongue hanging out which is a clear metaphor for America's strategy in Iraq.

I'm amazed they let him have that shot in.

It's a satirical ballet.

The director's cut of Barney's video was slightly different and showed Barney barking suspiciously at a Mexican cleaner and later taking a shit on the Constitution.

As his owner said, good boy, good boy.

This video, which the president himself has been involved in the creation of, does that mean he has broken the picket line in the writer's strike?

I guess it does.

So what are you going to do about that?

Scub!

Scub, scub, scub, scub, scub!

Scub!

Scub!

Well, what I'll do, Andy, is I'll pick it and I will tut whenever I see him, even louder than I currently tut, which is already pretty loud.

There was also an unofficial video released though Andy from the White House's goldfish.

I've got an extract from it here.

It says, hello there.

I'm Gertrude, the official goldfish of the 43rd president.

What a year it's been for me.

You would not believe the things I've seen here.

Please, if you're watching this, flush me down the toilet.

I can't take any more.

He pardoned Scooter Libby.

He vetoed the bill providing medicine for poor children.

He stood by Gonzalez.

And he's doing things in Iraq that are going to take decades to recover from.

I'm supposed to have a five-second memory, so why do these memories burn like fires in my fishy skull?

Please flush me.

I want to be flushed.

Happy holidays from the White House.

One of the greatest Christmas gifts to the world this week, Andy, came from Hugo Chavez.

What time is it?

It's Chavez time!

He is putting the clock back 30 minutes on a permanent basis, giving the world a new Venezuelan time.

He claims this earlier dawn will improve the performance of the country, saying, I don't care if they call me crazy, the new time will go ahead.

I love this man.

It's almost like he had nothing in his intra and no conferences at which he could slag off America.

So instead of slagging off America, he just thought he would diss one of its time zones.

That's right.

But what it does mean is that Venezuela has now moved an hour closer to Greenwich Mean Time, which, as we all know, is the true time.

We invented clocks, Andy.

We'll tell the world what time it is.

And this 30-minute is an important first step towards Greenwich meantime.

Everyone else is living a lie.

I still observe GMT here, Andy.

It's not easy, but I do it because it's right.

So, for regular bugle listeners, you'll know that Chavez is a great favourite of ours, and you know, he very much is Johnny Big Balls on the political scene at the moment.

So, if you've got any requests for Hugo Chavez, for what you think he ought to do in 2008 to keep the world entertained as he has in 2007, do email them in to thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Here's another heartwarming story for you at this celebratory time.

The CIA, whose interrogation tapes were destroyed, it's been revealed that a US court had ordered them not to destroy the tapes, but sadly, the CIA hadn't been able to hear that ruling over the sound of them destroying tapes.

It's really a fault of awkward timing over anything else.

A CIA official has admitted that waterboarding may be torture, which is a bit of a surprise.

It sounds like fun waterboarding, but it it isn't in that respect.

It's a bit like Munchausen's syndrome by proxy and Ebola.

Republican Senator Kit Bond said of waterboarding this week, there are different ways of doing it.

It's like swimming, freestyle and backstroke.

What you have to understand there, Andy, is that Senator Bond is a very bad swimmer.

A very bad swimmer indeed.

So bad, every time he tries, he nearly drowns and screams out terrorism secrets until someone comes to fish him out.

He's a terrible person to have in a relay team, I'll tell you that now.

now.

Well, of course, he's probably been watching his Mark Spitz videos when at the Munich Olympics in 1972, he, of course, won a gold medal while swimming with cellophane around his head.

This is a part of waterboarding, apparently.

They tie cellophane around the head of the waterboarding customer, which apparently replicates the sensation of having cellophane wrapped around your head.

And now the bugle Christmas message.

This is a Yuletide message for all you buglers out there.

The current president is an extremely dangerous man, but not so much in deed anymore as in word, because to see that man speak is to wish upon yourself physical harm.

So whenever you find yourself looking at him on the news and he animates his face as if to make some primitive noise, make sure that you've completely encased your head in foam so you don't hurt yourself when you start repeatedly slamming your head into the table in front of you in frustration.

Be informed in 2008.

Watch safe.

And my bugle Christmas message to you is have an adequate Christmas.

I don't wish the bugle to wish you all a happy Christmas because it makes it sound like we don't give a flying f about you for the other 364 and a quarter days of the year.

Christmas as we know is all about Jesus' message of peace, goodwill, unbridled consumerism, papering over the cracks in family relationships, dangerous home lighting and the abandonment of all accepted norms of musical, decorative and culinary taste.

But apart from that, let's not forget that the message of peace and goodwill toward men are potentially politically and economically ruinous to us in the West.

So I would say that Christmas should be banned or at least economically spread across the year.

Now, miss the unknown monetary expert, I once invested £5,000 with a daughter-door stockbroker in shares in the Titanic.

He made it sound like an unmissable investment opportunity, a 46,000-tonne ocean liner with a top speed of 23 knots, fully kitted out with tenacious musicians.

What could possibly go wrong?

Little did I know that it had sunk over 90 years previously.

So, not only do I not wish you a happy Christmas, but I don't think Christmas should exist at all.

That's my Christmas message to you.

Now, your emails.

This one comes from Tiffany Sears in Boston, Massachusetts.

She writes: As a typical American, I am very fickle.

I buy new clothes every month.

I upgrade my iPods twice a year, and I tire of any one war after a year.

A war with Iran is therefore not only inevitable, but necessary to maintain my interest in politics.

That's what we need a war for, to combat apathy.

I think she may yet get that war, Andy.

Tiffany might be lucky.

There was a good email from Anthony in North Carolina, in the United States of America, and he said, gentlemen, good start.

In response to your suggestion that the UK be turned into an island prison, I think the idea is rubbish.

That's what Australia is for.

Brackets, rubbish and prisoners.

Close brackets.

And let's not forget the American state Georgia, not an island per se, but it's got quite a bit of coastline, and there's something to be said about that.

Good day.

Beautifully phrased.

Lovely use of words and insults regarding Australia.

Now we've had further correspondence on the very important issue of how fit was Florence Nightingale.

Oh no, come on.

This comes from Greg Pritchard.

Hello, buglers, he writes.

Florence Nightingale is undoubtedly one of the slammiest hotties of the Crimean War.

One of the sexiest wars of the 19th century, if you ask me.

To have vivid and filthy fantasies about her is a huge compliment to her and her profession.

You owe it to all the underpaid nurses around the world to have naughty thoughts about Nightingale.

And for Andy, if having your bin stolen is not cause for nuclear posturing, I don't know what is.

It happened to me recently when I couldn't properly get it back.

I just waited until it was on the street and torched it.

I think I won that one.

That is kind of in the King Solomon style of solving a problem.

Well done, Greg Pritchard from Long and Made Up Place Name in New Zealand.

Greg is not the only one with a crush on a historical figure.

This comes from Abby, also in Boston, who writes, Dear Andy and John, I have for some time now had posthumous crushes on Franz Kafka and Edgar Allan Poe.

Should I be concerned for my mental health?

Not at all.

Edgar Allan Poe, I've got a crush on her too.

Uh Edgar Allan Poe had a rippling six-pack, so Abby, I can fully understand.

Kafka, on the other hand, yeah, I mean, he was fit, but uh just a little bit self-obsessed.

Uh this one comes from Becky in San Francisco.

As both a history major and a British loyalist, yes, there are still a few of us here that feel the American Revolution should not have happened.

I have a number of crushes on historical figures in English history.

It began with an attraction to Henry the Second.

Interesting.

But what's something uh bit raunchy about the way he had Thomas Abecket killed?

Certainly gives me the horn whenever I think about it.

Oh, I don't start this.

You know, I'm not saying Henry II per se, but in that action, you know, he was decisive and just made me feel that he'd protect me in a crisis.

Fair enough.

And some women find that appealing in a man.

But finally, this week, this one comes from Kayleigh Ray, who writes, Hello, John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman.

I am one of your few Canadian listeners.

Actually, Kaylee, the latest figures show that over 90%

of Canadian people listen to the bugle at least twice a week.

That's still only 14 Canadians.

That's a population joke.

You can file that alongside the numerous exchange rate jokes we've made about the US dollar.

I must say, writes Kayleigh, I love the podcast, but, and this is a big but in more ways than one, I recently saw a video on YouTube, and I'm almost certain I saw you, Mr.

John Oliver, smoking a cigarette with all that we know about smoking.

Why on earth do you continue to smoke?

I don't mean to be judgmental.

You clearly do mean to be judgmental, Caleb.

Or rude.

But you really should stop slowly poisoning yourself.

I don't smoke.

Could it be something to do with the writer's strike, John?

Are people trying to discredit you by posting faked video of you smoking?

I don't know what that could be.

I don't know if that's maybe like me on a march and you can see breath in the air that you could mistake for smoke.

But I don't smoke.

That's a that's a really weird thing to say.

Have you ever smoked?

No.

So I'm trying to think back.

Not not a single cigarette.

Well,

certainly not for years.

So not since the invention of film.

That's right.

Certainly not since the invention of YouTube.

Can you take a blood test to prove it?

Yeah, I'll take one now.

Right.

Hold on.

I'm just jabbing a pencil into my hand.

Okay.

No, the tests are back.

I haven't smoked, but I have now got lead poisoning.

So, Kaylee, someone is out there impersonating John Oliver smoking on YouTube.

Wow, a video on YouTube labelled John Oliver Smoking.

I think I smell 11 hits.

Now Bugle Motoring.

Italian car giant Orsi have recalled their new Chavio 95 model after road tests showed that its revolutionary magnetic bumper, designed to enable aggressive but safe tailgating at high speed by attaching to the car in front, can also cause pedestrians with metal plates in their legs to become immovably fastened to the vehicle.

In a surprisingly honest move, all four wheel drive SUVs will now come with a free Dead Bird of Paradise swinging off the rearview mirror.

The A three hundred three is once again Britain's entry in the European Trunk Road of the Year awards.

Motoring Minister Jelila Krunk said that the three hundred three, known to be Robbie Williams' favourite route from London to the south west, is quote a road of proven class, scenic, varied, and a joy for the night time speedster.

Motor insurance specialists Crash Value have announced an honesty drive, which includes promising policyholders a discourtesy car whilst they wait for legitimate claims to be refused.

Crash Value's managing director, Sir Alan Crash Value, said, We really hate our customers, and we will exploit them to the point where they can't see a car insurance advertisement without forking themselves in the eye with a brooch pin.

So it seems only fair to let them know our true feelings.

The discourtesy car will be below the specification promised, it will be dangerous and uncomfortable, and will have the words you painted on the steering wheel.

And finally, the government are considering proposals to ban people who are clearly absolute tools from driving.

Road Safety Minister Horace Podborski said, Most crashes are caused by people driving like tools.

So if we can isolate people who are obviously tools and therefore most susceptible to driving like a tool, we can make our roads safer for people who don't see basic transport as an outlet for the simmering frustrations of their own inadequacies.

Sports now and huge baseball news.

The Mitchell report was finally released and has revealed that every single side in major league baseball fielded players who were on steroids and human growth hormone.

Roger Clemens, the New York Yankees pitcher, was perhaps the biggest name and he may now struggle to be admitted into the Hall of Fame but I'm afraid it gets worse.

The Mitchell report also revealed that baseballs themselves have been taking illegal drugs.

They've been injected regularly with steroids and have swollen to double their size.

In the time of Babe Ruth, they were only about the size of a pea.

And if they keep getting bigger and bigger, at this rate, they'll be the size of beach balls within the decade.

Something has to be done.

This sport is about to get ridiculous.

John, is it not a point to be made that if every single team was involved and both batters and pitchers, then surely fair's fair?

Why, you know, if the fans didn't want to see baseballers who were obviously taking drugs, they wouldn't have been watching them for all the time they were taking drugs.

Well, there was a great guy in the news last night outside Yankee Stadium saying, I'm disgusted.

This is a disgrace.

This has brought shame upon the sport I love.

And then he paused and said, but to be honest, I will probably have forgotten about it by opening day next season.

That's a pretty self-aware U-turn.

With hindsight, if they wanted to stop their players taking drugs, what baseball could have done is tell them to stop taking drugs in some way or form.

That's just mollycoddling, though.

This is the land of the free, Andy.

I don't know how it is in communist Britain or whatever you call yourselves now.

This is the freest country on earth.

And you're free to take illegal steroids.

God bless this country and God bless its national pastime.

We had an email some time ago from Josh Peake asking this question: In a fight, who do you think would win, Britain or the USA?

Well, just over a week ago, we had a definitive answer to this question, Josh.

When Floyd Mayweather beat Ricky Hatton, America beat Britain in a fight.

They were representative of their entire nations, and therefore America beat Britain in the fight.

It was interesting, a booing of the national anthem by Rookie Hatton's supporters.

They booed the American national anthem.

How did that go down in America, John?

Well, it was treated with some surprise.

But what America needs to understand is that we boo all countries' national anthems.

And so it really is indiscriminate.

If your national anthem isn't God Save the Queen, then you are in trouble.

But it was, I was sitting watching the fight, and as they started playing the anthem, suddenly thought, uh-oh, these are football fans.

The Star-Spangled Banner is about to get booed.

And I thought he did very well.

Whoever it was who was singing the American national anthem, I thought he did very well to keep his cool.

Because it cannot be often that that anthem has been booed at a sporting event.

I felt both proud and ashamed to be British at the same time.

I think there are a number of explanations for this.

Firstly, that Ricky Hatton's fans famously are very much opposed to the concept of nationhood itself and believe that we are all part of one species with a single collective consciousness and shouldn't be divided up into nations with divisive anthems.

Another theory is that they were just trying to sing the harmony part, but got it slightly wrong, not the most tuneful fans.

And they're also booing

because of the words of the national anthem, which of course begins oh say can you see?

Very discriminatory against America's blind community.

So, fair enough.

It's about time someone stood up to this appalling anthem and put it very much in its place.

And well done, Ricky Hatton's fans, for being brave enough to do so in front of a global TV audience whilst pissed.

Picking up from last week, our Bugle Sports Awards.

We have a nomination for Sportsman of the Year emailed in by Kevin Klang.

Congratulations, Kevin, on having an absolutely phenomenal name.

He writes, I think it would be irresponsible not to nominate former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick for Sportsman of the Year.

Vick is a two-sport athlete, revolutionising not only American football but also dogfighting.

A sport that up until recently had been forgotten about by much of the United States.

Vick's achievements in both of these sports this year are unprecedented, and he deserves to be recognised for them.

So I can't argue with that.

You're right.

He's a two-sport specialist, both medieval and modern.

You just you got you can't argue with a man's track record.

Well unfortunately a court did argue with that Andy and they argued successfully.

And now it's time for the Bugles pioneering audio-cryptic crossword.

Three down.

It's nine letters long split into two words of four and five respectively and this is an anti-capitalist satirical clue.

This madman lost direction, became completely confused and had an institute named after him.

4-5.

This is the last official bugle of 2007.

Next week we will have a slightly arrogant best of the bugle after our 10 glorious editions so far.

But hey, it's the 21st century.

That's the kind of world we live in.

Looking forward to the best of, Andy, really looking forward to the best best of.

That is like writing your autobiography at 25 when you've done nothing of any value.

So that's it from the Bugle this week.

Do keep those emails coming in.

Thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

And we will be back to set the world to rights next week.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.