This Episode is Tr*mp Free!

Buglers, to celebrate our 18th birthday, we are doing a special hot potato survey of our audience.

We're asking you all kinds of questions about the world and we're going to see what we can interpret from all of that.

Who knows?

It could be pretty fun.

Go to thebuglepodcast.com and find out more.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4355 of the world's only ever and last remaining audio newspaper for a visual world, bringing you pure, unadulterable truth since 2007.

I'm Andy Zaltzmann.

It is the 6th of October 2025 and this is a very special bugle because in my efforts to do my bit to bring about world peace, I'm refusing to record this week's show unless all the following stipulations are fulfilled.

1.

That we don't record in a shed, B.

That we're north of the equator and C that we're not in zero gravity and only one place fulfills those three criteria and that is Chris's studio.

And also that my co-hosts this week are only people I've known since at least 1980 and who are at least five years younger than me.

The co-host must also share more than 50% of the same DNA as I have.

and the co-host's surname must begin with a high-value scrabble letter and with only one of the vowels in and their first name must be uh begin with a medium value scrabble letter and also have only one of the vowels in.

I like to put a lot of details in my plans for World Peace I know it's not very trendy but it's just the way I am.

So there's only one person who fulfills those criteria.

It's Helen Zoltzmann.

Thank you Andy I know that I'm not here on merit just on technicalities

and Scrabble scores.

Yes.

Are there two Zeds in a Scrabble set?

Well you can use a blank, can't you?

Get the Zed on a

get the Z on a double of some kind of double or a triple.

And like a triple word.

But then be disqualified for being a proper noun.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, but...

It's a bad game, Andy.

Yes.

But in time, it will evolve into a verb.

To Zoltzmann.

Which is

probably

to do a long-running podcast.

Oh, God, you're right.

Oh, what a voice in my life.

Andy, we're recording on your birthday.

Yes.

Which, that's the big news.

Yeah.

And I said to our mother, what do you remember about Andy's day of birth?

And she said one word.

Do you want to know what it was?

Can you guess?

Joyous.

No, but not uncomplimentary.

She said speedy.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Really setting a precedent.

That was pretty much the last time that's been said about me.

Yes,

51 years ago today.

Wow.

As we record.

So, uh yeah i mean i remember your your your day of oh i don't how was it

uh well we stayed at a friend's house yeah and um then when you got back you had a new flatmate yeah terrible um

and as i recall you started complaining about stuff pretty damn quickly yep and haven't really stopped ever since very advanced for my age yes both then and now because you know i would have thought my complaints era would start maybe in my 70s but it's good to go to march on it in case i'm dead by then we both in order to do the show heroically turned down the opportunity to appear at the Riyadh Comedy Festival in order to entertain you today.

But I should emphasise, Helen, that just because we chose not to be paid reputation bleaching blood cash by the Saudi government to perform under numerous constraints, that doesn't mean we're necessarily opposed to the extrajudicial slang of journalists or the imprisonment of people for 20 plus years for comments made on social media or general institutionalized misogyny.

Let me make that clear.

We're not coming down.

I think I speak for you as well when I say that, doesn't I?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

It's just we were already committed to recording this.

So, yeah, as Helen said, we are recording.

Well, as I said, in fact, we are recording on Monday, the 6th of October, 2025.

It's World Architecture Day, Helen.

Is it?

Yes, have you done any architecture yet?

I've built a couple of cathedrals on my way here.

Right, cool.

It's only just past 10 a.m., so that's.

I'm very productive to this.

Obviously, acing this Monday.

How are you celebrating World Architecture Day?

Well,

I will be designing

a hybrid swimming bath stroke temple stroke

snooker arena.

So like a swim-up bar, but a temple of snooker.

Yeah.

I'm astonished that it hasn't been done before, Andy.

Yeah.

Not a moment too soon.

Yes.

Also, Buglers,

I do hope you will celebrate World

Architecture Day, albeit by the time you listen to to this it will be over.

But it's your chance to wander around your local neighbourhood in a high-viz tower with a hard hat on and a large sketching pad, intimidating people with drawings in which you've bulled those their homes and replaced them with a futuristic tower block of unaffordable luxury apartments, a luminous casino and a rooftop free-range eagle sanctuary, or a medieval themed castle with a residence-only moat, or a fully functioning and consecrated ancient Greek temple with automatic ox sacrificing machine facing the local children's playground.

This is your day to do it.

I think we all everyone needs to get on board.

Also,

we are giving you an exclusive, free UB the 1960s urban architect, choose your own adventure game.

I'll just choose a sample from

this superb game.

Here's the scenario.

You're tasked with rebuilding an area of derelict land that has lain empty and unused since the war after suffering heavy bombing.

Do you, A, whack up a brutalist concrete slab with seemingly no regard for how humans actually want to live their lives?

And those are your choices.

It does get a bit samey after a few, but it's good fun.

Take that 1960s architecture.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

In fact, two sections this week.

Firstly, in the bin, everything to do with America's president, the country over which he presidentializes, and all related issues.

Now, I promised you a trumpless bugle this week on last week's show because, well, A, just because, because B, it seems like that's all we've talked about the last few weeks, stroke, years, stroke, over a decade.

And

C, because it's my birthday.

And

if I cannot give myself at least an hour

of not

talking about...

I mean, I'm not going to say it.

So Chris has brought a special alarm.

So

if we do mention Trump.

Yep.

We had a chance to do it there.

Sorry, there we go.

I wasn't sure if the case study in which you present the scenario actually warranted in a breach of it, but carry on.

So

that will sound.

And I don't know how if it has to be a direct reference or so it could be quite oblique.

As oblique as you like.

We say the word trumpet.

Oh.

Right.

Okay.

We had a feature on this show called The Trumpet once and it was about Donald Trump, so that counts.

Yeah.

Just any synonyms for farts?

The siren goes off?

Oh, that's a close one, actually.

Let's see how we evolve.

So,

as a result, any peace deals that may or may not be about to happen and/or collapse and/or happen before then collapsing that the U.S.

President has been involved in cannot be discussed in the show.

Nor can we discuss any incoherent ramblings in front of military top brass that he may have bottomised into the world's consciousness, or any racist AI videos he may have left on a loop in a room full of journalists, or any American government shutdowns which he may have failed to avert and then tried to hijack in the latest installment of his demolition of the American state.

We can't even mention obliquely.

So, that section is in the bin, along with everything his licks, petals, lackeys, enablers, dogs, bodies, and gimps may also have said and done.

So relax.

Also, in the bin, since we've got you here, we have phrases and proverbs that need a bit of a tweak.

Since we have you, the undisputed Empress of Etymology.

Undisputed.

Undisputable.

Well, there was that time in 1996 where there was a bit of a dispute.

They've not been seen since.

So we look at some of the long-standing phrases that are used in the English language that really need a bit of an update or a complete abandonment, such as, there's no such thing as a free lunch, obviously written by someone who's never worked in corporate finance or been a member of the royal family or enjoyed the simple pleasure of a Blackberry and Roadkill badger salad on a crisp autumn day in the countryside.

Honesty is the best policy.

For what?

Insurance?

Well, exactly.

I mean, modern democratic politics

would beg to differ.

You could have honked it there, Chris, but anyway, well done for not.

As would the Bugle and, as you say,

insurance, I'm not sure.

Arguing a way out of a parking

fence?

Yeah.

I don't think it is the best policy.

Generally.

Generally, it's a policy.

I mean, most policies that sound good end up not working.

So maybe honesty is just one of them.

What is the small print on that policy?

On the honesty policy.

Yes, it just doesn't come up very much in the phrase, but I think it's quite critical.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Not if there's no grass.

Exactly.

I've done the stats on this.

Statistically, the grass is greener on the other side of 24% of all fences.

It's less green on the other side of 21% of fences, equally green on the other side of 30% of fences, and there is no grass at all on the other side of the remaining 25% of fences.

So there we go.

It's just you only notice it when it's greener.

But that's just another symptom of our

family species.

When in Rome do as the Romans do.

Absolutely not.

I can't even ride a scooter.

Exactly.

Also,

what do the Romans do in Rome?

Generally, go to work or school.

Boring.

Yeah.

And they don't wander around thinking this place is mind-blowing.

Let's go and have an ice cream.

That's what you should do in Rome.

A watch pot never boils.

Incorrect.

Yeah.

Of course it boils.

In fact, watching a pot-stroke kettle boiling only delays the boiling process by 64%.

It also does depend on the pot being on a heat source.

of 100 degrees Celsius or more.

And containing boilable liquids.

Yes.

True.

Yeah.

If you're just staring at it in your cupboard, then the phrase is true.

The phrase is true.

But again, the small print has been lost a time.

Yeah.

A watchpot on a shelf or table never boils unless there's a fire under the shelf or table or a volcano.

So

these phrases really, as you say, don't stack up.

Very disappointing.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

God, why?

You'll get a recipe for a very disappointing and tense holiday.

Yeah, I'm already worried that my friends don't like me any.

What about my enemies?

A rising tide lit all boats.

Try telling that to the Titanic.

There's many a slip twixt cup and lip.

Statistically there aren't.

That's actually the least, the phase of drinking a drink in which there's least likely to be a slip.

Well now also a lot of people have bottles with a little spout so it's really reduced the price.

Has Twix ever used that as an advertising slogan?

It's got Twix in it.

Oh yeah.

No.

And

there's a term we've had a lot recently in politics.

Snake oil salesmen.

These are snake oil sales could have honked it there.

But

particularly about Nigel Farage, I definitely could have honked it on him.

But snake oil is actually one of the very few areas of global retail that's flourishing at the moment.

Personally, I never got the hang of it.

I always found that snakes were already plenty slippery enough as it was.

Once I'd rolled them up even further, they just fell off my hat.

Anyway, that section in the bin.

Top story this week: powerful, mysterious beings.

Well, it's been an an interesting week for fans of powerful, mysterious beings.

Here in Britain, we have, at long last, a new Archbishop of Canterbury.

Praise B.

Yes.

It was praise B.

They tried praise A, and that didn't work.

Praise B has come up with a result.

We've not had an Archbishop since, well, for almost a year.

God, how have you coped?

It's been very difficult, actually.

Since Justin Welby resigned as Archbishop of Canterbury after a report criticised him for failing to investigate a child abuser of whose actions he was aware, which I think in the BBC report I read, it really hedged that.

It's like Justin Welby resigned for reasons.

Yeah.

Well, there are definitely reasons.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, I mean, but you know, it's,

I guess, I mean, he might argue that that's just on brand.

But look, that's look, we're obviously neutral in this as lapsed Jews.

Yeah.

Helen.

Have you been to Canterbury

to the cathedral?

I went maybe in about 1993.

Right.

Has it been updated?

I don't think so.

Yeah, not put in a mezzanine.

No, I don't know.

Wi-Fi boosters.

As with all these buildings, as time goes on, the efficacy of prayer just gradually declines.

So when obviously one is brand new back in about, I don't know, the 12th century, that was

a solid 50 plus percent, but now it's uh it's it's it's leached down to around about 20, 25 percent.

or something.

We should probably repair the insulation so the prayers don't all seep out.

But

it's quite an exciting development for

the Church of England.

1,428 years after the first man Archbishoped it up in Canterbury, after 105 consecutive dudes have donned the mitre, we have the first woman Archbishop of Canterbury.

Wow.

You know what, Andy, it doesn't feel so celebratory to me in 2025 to be like, yay, first

anything.

Also, only the second Archbishop of Canterbury for hundreds of years not to have a degree from Oxford or Cambridge.

Really?

Yeah.

So they're really diverse.

Really democratising.

But you remember last year when they were like, amazing progress, women are allowed in the Garrett Club now.

Yeah.

I didn't have a little parade for that.

No.

I felt a bit embarrassed.

But I do enjoy that it pisses people off.

So I suppose that's my celebration that people are riled to have a lady archbishop yes

and just in terms of names we've had a tatween a plegmund an elphia a baldwin a bonny face a cosmo a couple of regges all manner of thomases williams and johns plus a schmool that was on a job swap uh a horndog that was an old saxon name and a rover the only dog archbishop um he filled in for a couple of months in 1668 when gilbert sheldon got his head stuck in an ill-fitting mitre but now 105 consecutive look if it was just done randomly

the statistical probability of a straight 50-50 choice, man or woman, the probability of there being 105 consecutive men, is approximately one in 40 non-illion.

That's 31 zeros.

To put that in context, that's equivalent to the chances of Marjorie Taylor Greene and Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez teaming up and winning the women's doubles at Wimbledon for the next 10 consecutive years.

It's equivalent to the chance of the Green Party winning all 650 seats at the next UK general election.

Equivalent to you becoming Pope.

Same chance of that.

Don't count me out.

Yep.

Same chance as World Peace actually happening.

The same chance of

one in 40 non-illillion of have I got news for you booking me to appear on their show for two consecutive episodes.

So the new Archbishop, Sarah Malally, was promoted from Bishop of London to Archbishop of Canterbury, came through a rigorous selection procedure involving some karaoke hymns.

Sorry, I was getting those mixed up.

Being able to tell the difference between a Christmas carol and a Christmas novelty single still baffled me.

Delivering a practice Easter sermon without using the words, you're never going to guess what happened next, everybody.

He only went and got the fk up again.

And a four-way live pray-off versus the Bishop of Chelmsford, former Prime Minister Tony Blair, and Dynamo, the famous magician.

So she's done well to get the job.

I learned that to be considered for this job, you don't have to be from the Church of England and you don't have to be a bishop already.

Right.

So it could have been you, Andy.

Right.

Maybe next time.

Yes.

And well, yeah, I'm...

I don't know.

Do we count as lapsed dues?

Because we never really lapsed.

We were sort of born lapsed.

Born lapsed.

Second generation lapsed.

What a title for our memoirs.

Since Welby resigned,

there's been no actual Archbishop of Canterbury.

The Archbishop of York, Stephen Cottrell, has been double-dipping as an interim acting Canterbury.

That is geographically inconvenient.

Isn't it?

Yeah.

It's very tricky to be an Archbishop in two places at once.

And as a result, his prayer response rate has fallen.

I think it's down as low as 43% over the last three months.

But then there are fewer people praying these days, so maybe that helps.

Yeah.

But you want your archbishops to be knocking it in at 60 to 65%,

really.

Top level.

They've got their special hats that direct the prayers upwards.

Yeah, to channel them into heaven.

Sarah Mulali worked for 35 years in the NHS.

So

I feel like she's seen some shit, literally and figuratively.

What does she do in the NHS?

She was a nurse, and then I think she was a sort of a nursing manager.

Right.

Yeah.

That doesn't.

So a lot for her belief in the power of prayer, if she actually worked

as a medical professional rather than just praying for people.

But maybe she pivoted to bishopry, so she doesn't have to empty more bed pans.

That's true.

And look, the job isn't for everyone, clearly.

You've got to be willing to work weekends, Christmas, and Easter,

and

you're not really allowed to try too much new stuff.

You get some cool outfits, though.

Excellent outfits.

I don't know how different the outfits will be, given that they're presumably designed for the male archbishop.

Does a female archbishop need a different shape of mitre, otherwise people will get confused?

I mean, what will the Daily Telegraph think if there's a...

like a lady archbishop in a man's mitre?

Well, they're going to be very upset.

So it's very inappropriate.

A pro-vicar writing in The Guardian describes Sarah Malally as wise, intelligent, courageous and compassionate, which of course is an acronym for woke if you pronounce it wrong.

And

it was described in an article I read as

yet another woke appointment by

the Anglican Church.

Yeah, that could be the only reason.

Yeah.

Because typically wokeness has really succeeded in the corridors of power in Britain.

Anyway, we will have full exclusive exclusive coverage of the reign of the first female Archbishop of Canterbury between

now and whenever she has to resign

or

retire or come across an annoyed monarch

gets promoted.

Where's next after Archbishop of Canterbury?

I think intergalactic bishopry.

Moving across the religious divide,

Helen, you are the Bugles Catholicism correspondent.

Yeah, Catholic fashions, that's my beat.

Yep.

Well, bring us up to date with the latest

from the world of Catholic fashions.

Huge news, Andy.

The Vatican Army has a new uniform for formal non-ceremonial occasions for senior officials.

Yeah,

it's a big deal because most of the time they are still wearing the clown suits that are their regular day job garments.

Are you familiar with these?

They are bright yellow and blue vertical stripes, sometimes with red bits, either with a beret or a helmet, sometimes with a bit of chestel helmet, breeches.

And people are like, well, it's hundreds of years old.

It's tradition.

It's not.

It was phased in in, I think, 1914 by a guy who was a fan of the Renaissance clown wear.

And these people are suffering ever since.

Is it not what Jesus made his disciples wear on whenever they had a like a someone's birthday or leaving do?

You know, the paintings really need to be amended to reflect the truth.

But the new uniforms, they look more like a kind of classy hotel bellhop.

Right.

Like black with a bit of gold piping.

It is a recreation of a historical uniform, which one report said was from hundreds of years ago, but actually was worn until 1976.

So maybe if you round it up, it's

no, even then,

really struggling.

It's cost 2,000 euros a pop.

Really?

Yeah.

Everything is hand-fitted, made out of hundreds of pieces.

Their clothing is the heaviest and most complicated uniform of any standing army today.

Really?

Yeah.

That can't be helpful in a battlefield situation, can it?

Absolutely not.

Although, I wonder what the weight is of the stuff that the people who stand outside Buckingham Palace is.

Yeah.

That looks sweaty.

That doesn't look combat-ready, particularly.

But to help them, in 2019, the Swiss Guard, which is the Vatican's

special guys, their metal helmets were replaced with the PVC ones with hidden air vents.

Really?

Yeah, so light, breezy, only takes a day to make.

You can fire all the blacksmiths.

But I mean, I do think, you know, if they're going to keep changing their cut, is it going to be like football?

Teams have a new kit every year and

get fans to fork out money.

Are the fans of Catholicism who want the replica kits from the Vatican Army?

You have to fork out two grand a year for the latest updates.

Well, you know, Andy, they are fundraising

because they are struggling to find new recruits to the Swiss Guards.

Partly because the criteria are even stricter than uh those for me today to be on this.

They must be Swiss, male, practising Catholics, aged nineteen to thirty, at least five foot seven tall, have an impeccable reputation, preferably not married, obey curfew, so no one wants to do it.

Right.

And um so they're fundraising to build them nicer barracks.

And and they're like, if we have nicer barracks, we could maybe one day uh induct female uh Swiss guards as well.

We have no plans to do so, but maybe we could.

But at the moment, the barracks are not suitable for them, which I don't understand

why.

So, I mean, that's quite, as you say, those are quite restrictive categories.

Swiss male, practicing Catholic, Catholic, 19 to 30, at least 5'7 inches tall, with an impeccable reputation.

Roger Federer would have qualified, I reckon, in his

before he turned.

I don't know if he's a practising Catholic.

But I guess and I know there's a dispute in the in the Christian church as to whether Roger Federer's backhand was literally the backhand of God or it whether it was a sim symbolic backhand of God.

But um but other than that, that shows how difficult it is to get in.

And I think he's busy with other stuff and he's just too old.

They got planning permission in 2016 to update these barracks.

Yeah.

And they hoped to have them done in 2027 to celebrate the 500th anniversary of the sack of Rome.

But they haven't started yet, which is a very relatable approach to deadlines.

Right.

The 500th, the sack of Rome in 1527.

Yeah, that's when they

were quite a lot of sacks of Rome.

Yeah, well they're planning, they're going to have to choose a different one for when they can get the barracks finished.

Do you have big plans for the 500th anniversary of that particular sack of Rome?

Yeah, because I mean there were some

long before that.

Yeah, which was your favourite?

Well the Visigoths gave it a bit of a rumble, didn't they?

Yeah.

Back in the day.

Really sacked it.

What was that?

410 or something.

Yeah.

Maybe there'll be another one along before they finish the barracks.

Well, I mean, on the sort of simple-related subject, the northern lights,

which, of course, are clearly some sort of celestial God-based phenomenon.

They make the night sky take on a bit of a 1970s psychedelia vibe

and or make it look like we're about to be invaded by aliens

and or a proof that Mother Earth occasionally self-medicates with some mind-altering substances.

Legal, natural, and organic ones, let me emphasise.

But

apparently, they're getting stronger,

which could be a sign of the end of the world if you only read the headline rather than the actual article that you sent me.

Yes, the headlines are all about how the Aurora Borealis will be even more visible with the sun's last gasp.

Yep.

And I thought, oh, what a relief.

It'll all be over soon.

But no,

we're just using the rather doom-tastic term last gasp about the 11-year solar activity cycle, which has peaked.

And so we had a solar maximum, and now we're easing towards solar minimum.

But

during that period, from maximum to minimum, the aurora can really pop off.

Right.

So the last gasp was a bit of a disappointment to me.

I guess we do live in the age of...

wild over-exaggeration.

Yeah, it's the last gasp before the next gasps.

Yeah.

But then things are are exaggerated, say,

millions of times more than they used to be.

In other powerful mysterious beings, Prince William

currently Booky's favourite to be the next king.

He apparently said he's going to shake things up.

if and when he becomes our supreme medieval feudal overlord oh, absolutely, as God has dictated will be the case.

Yeah, it's going to get a new crown that's like a baseball cap made of ermine.

Right.

I'm fully on board with that.

Which way, what rounds are he going to have it?

Will he have it frontways

round

apart from on ceremonial occasions?

Will I flip it like

back and

like come into Westminster Abbey on a diamond-encrusted skateboard?

Yeah.

Something for the

from the Queen's collection.

There's also talk that there's going to be

jousting is going to be back.

Yeah.

As if it ever went away.

Yeah, but it's going to be a daily joust up

the Mall outside Buckingham Palace, but using Formula One cars.

Good.

It's good to speed it up a bit.

Yeah.

And also leave horses alone.

They didn't ask for that.

Bluetooth crown, so he can be kingly without actually physically wearing the crown.

which I think has got to be

progress.

Yeah, I've heard they're very uncomfortable.

Maybe they could get a PVC crown like the Vatican Guards, not having metal helmets.

Of course a lot of it is about tradition, as you say, and

there are rumours that he intends to lead the nation into battle, but in the modern way by remotely flying a special golden drone from

a secret bunker somewhere underneath the Midlands.

Oh, I thought he was just going to post some Instagram stories.

He appeared for an interview with Eugene Levy.

Prince William rocked up on an electric scooter.

Really?

Yes.

Well, there there we go.

He was a bit late because his battery had broken.

So maybe that's how he'll lead the battle.

Yeah.

So they're finally updating from the horse and cart and jumping straight to the electric scooter.

Yeah.

They're missing out.

What, 300 years of interim technologies there?

Also talk of talking holographic banknotes to try and make physical currency trendy again

in which

King William, as he will be then, will just ask you how your day's going.

They're going to have a rotating Prince Andrew.

Members of the public can apply to

take the position of Prince Andrew for a day.

At what stage of his life?

I mean just all the ceremonial roles he's no longer allowed to do because he's so naughty.

He said this, if you're not careful, history can be a real weight and anchor around you.

You can feel suffocated by it and restricted by it too much.

And I think that's...

I mean, quite a good analysis of the state of the country, to be honest.

Yes.

I mean, I think there's some ways in which we have not been restricted enough by our history.

Yes.

That we have blithely over.

He also said, I think it's important to live for the here and now.

At which point he downed a pint of strawberry milkshake, bounced on a trampoline, put one of his family crowns in a microwave, and said, I've always wanted to know what happens.

Who knew that sapphires pop?

And signed up for an artistic chain touring evening course whilst muttering, I feel so alive.

So that's a good example to set, I think.

He also said, there are points when you look at tradition and go, is that still fit for purpose today?

Is that still the right thing to do?

And

as long as the answer is no, then they keep that tradition.

That's the way it works.

Animal news now and a scandal in the beluga community, Helen.

Yeah, that's right.

The belugas are beleaguered, Andy.

Boom.

That was the best birthday present I could have had.

Yeah,

this is an incredible story from Canada.

And Marineland, which is a now closed amusement land in Niagara Falls on the Canadian side, has 30 beluga whales and does not know what to do with them except for the two choices of shipping them off to China, which the Federal Fisheries Minister has forbidden, or killing them.

And so their approach is to say, give us money.

or the belugas get it.

Which we should consider for podcast fundraising.

You know, the knowledge before has always been to make the listeners feel included, like they're part of something.

But no, give Andy money for the bugle, or 30 belugas will be murdered.

Yeah, another way of doing that is, of course, to buy tickets to our 18th birthday live stream live show.

Or 30 belugas die, which would you rather?

Exactly.

So you can

watch live as Nish, Chris, and I appear at the Leicester Square Theatre with Alice Fraser and the ultimate blast from the Bugle pass, John Oliver, join us on the big screen.

So save the belugas by buying.

I think I've joined the DOS correctly there.

The Bugle Belugas.

Yeah.

We could sponsor them.

Can you get a logo affixed to a beluga?

Well, there's a lot of white space.

There's a lot of space, isn't there?

They haven't really monetised it correctly, I don't think.

Yeah.

Well, now Marineland is saying if the belugas die, it is a direct consequence of the minister's decision to withhold the export permits to China.

So amazing deflection of responsibility.

Because, Andy, as we know with podcasting, every business is a risk.

It's a calculated risk.

And if you get into the dancing captive mammals business, you have to accept that it's not always going to be a winner.

And then you have 30 belugas that

you need to do something with.

Yeah.

And they are also boo-hooing about the fact that their business model was wrecked by a law passed in Canada in 2019 banning keeping whales, porpoises, and dolphins for breeding or entertainment.

Right.

Which,

again, I think maybe they're having the wrong thoughts

here.

Well, I imagine the animals would have been pretty angry about it as well.

I imagine they'd have been working at cross-porpoises at some point.

Even Doug Ford says Marineland is terrible.

Doug Ford.

Oops.

So, what's the next phase?

Are they going to start dumping beluga carcasses outside federal government buildings?

I'd make the point.

Yeah, just popping them in the lake.

Well, since 2019, Andy, 20 other whales and nineteen belugas and an orca have died at the park in mysterious circumstances.

So imagine if there was that rate of attrition of bugle co-hosts.

People would ask questions.

They would.

Um yeah, it shut last year, um, Marineland, because uh people are just more interested in watching five second videos of men hitting themselves in the balls with frozen legs of lamb or whatever the latest viral trend is than going to commus Canadian amusement parks to watch marine mammals are so far out of of their natural habitat as to be frankly surreal.

And the belugas, apparently, they're costing £2 million per month

to keep for the now defunct amusement park, which, if you're not able to sell tickets to come and see belugas.

Oh, I can see the pickle they're in, Andy.

But again, if you invested in belugas, you really had to have a long-term maintenance plan in place.

The £2 million a month, partly due to their picky diet, let me guess.

Is it f ⁇ ing sushi again?

That's not cheap, is it?

And partly because they sign these belugas on long-term contracts with no get-out claws, and even when the beluga's form drops off, they can't shift them off the squad.

Did Alex Rodriguez's career die in vain?

It's wonderful for the baseball fans.

Wow.

In other animals news, let's go on to land now.

Leopards,

the stubbornly spotty hypercats, best known for their limited one-kit wardrobe and being better at climbing trees than playing snooker,

apparently attempted to stop Brexit

by eating all humans almost two million years before we were allowed to have our say

in the referendum.

Yeah.

These anti-democratic

carnivores apparently ate early humans.

They've been studying the bones of our sadly departed ancestors and have found leopard tooth marks on parts of the human body.

You really don't want to get bitten by a leopard, which is any part of the human body.

So

can you ever trust a leopard again?

Well, Andy, who's to say if we'd been around two million years ago, we might have given it a go as well.

Eating a human.

Easier than eating a leopard, less peeling.

Yeah.

Also, the woke hadn't imposed veganism on the entire world by that point.

Yeah.

I mean, literally, it's

impossible to buy meat because of the woke now.

Yeah, and now they don't breed pigs, and that's sad, because pigs are cool, but no need for them because of the 100% veganism of the world.

Blame the wokes for the pig genocide.

Yep.

Last week, amongst the various things that...

Oh, no, I'm not supposed to mention how I

read.

Anyway, apparently the Democrats want to make...

Okay, can't.

Always ready.

He's off to Chris's fingers at the end.

I mean, Trump did say that.

Oh, there we go.

Apparently, the Democrats want to turn everyone trans.

Everyone.

Yeah.

Did you know this?

Oh, that's exciting.

You live in North America now.

Yeah.

Everyone.

Yeah.

It's just coming through the taps, just the trans vapours.

Well, thanks, Democrats.

I appreciate it.

The Leopards-Machiavellian scheme failed, however, and humans evolved.

But it makes you think.

Does it?

If leopards had been hungrier, or if humans had been tastier, then leopards would still be the top species today, and football would be a very different sport.

It would be more exciting.

Yeah, it probably would be, wouldn't it?

More deadly.

I'm not seeing a downside so far of this story.

And we've got to remember as well that how tough it was for the early hominids, you know, 1.7 million years ago.

They didn't have mobile phones to alert each other when there were leopards in the vicinity.

You can get a leopard alert now.

They didn't have skateboards to escape the leopards, and they didn't have radio phoners to complain about the lack of anti-leopard measures in their local area.

So you can understand why they were a bit more vulnerable to being eaten by leopards than the average human is today.

Is it possible that the human remains that they found were of humans that had died already, and then the the leopards just used their bones to get bits of uh detritus out their teeth?

Uh oh, that's an interesting thought.

Yeah.

Well, I guess it's I guess it's possible that, yeah.

I d I guess it would, you know, then I don't know if they found any

like cave markings or like little notes from people saying, like, ow, I'm being eaten by a leopard.

Also, can they be sure that the marks are leopard teeth and not the bones were carelessly tossed into a stationary drawer and a stapler grooved them?

Well, that's possible as well.

We just don't know.

We don't.

Can't trust anything.

No.

Birds news now.

And, well, look, democracy is having a bit of a tough time around the world.

No, Chris has not honked that.

That's good.

I can take that.

Yeah.

All right.

I can take that.

Is it an explicit reference to Donald Trump ruining it?

Oh, it's not implicit.

It could be Nirindra Modi as far as I'm concerned.

You just mentioned him yourself.

You should honk yourself there.

Right.

But there's there's a lot of democracy in in the bird world yeah at the moment yeah democracy is going great particularly in the southern hemisphere I don't know if there's some sort of correlation between

water going

going back out the plug up into the tap and that's what happens in the southern hemisphere isn't it that's that's how it happens and people cry by sucking water into their faces and bird democracy uh but there's but both new New Zealand has had its bird of the year election yeah the results are in today

and And can you tell us who's been elected bird?

Bird of the year.

Bird president of the year.

Yeah.

Well, out of the 73 birds in the running this year, Andy, for the Aotearoa New Zealand bird election, the New Zealand Falcon won with 21%

of the votes.

Right.

That's hardly an overwhelming mandate, is it?

It's quite a small country, though.

Yeah.

And 75,000 people voted.

But it's very serious, Andy.

Each bird that enters has like an ambassador stomping for it.

There's campaigns.

And

in fact, there's been some controversies in the past.

Like in 2021, a bat one.

Yes.

Clearly, not a bird.

No, but then I suppose, how do you define birds if it's just wings?

Yeah.

Well, I guess we've got

Nigel Farage here, who's not entirely human, I think.

So, I mean, that's just the way democracy evolves, I guess.

And does shit on a lot of windscreens.

And

2023 was run by the Australian crested grebe, which must have been half in New Zealand.

And it was bankrolled by the democracy-loathing US-based light

entertainer by the name of, sorry if I've pronounced this wrong, John Ovila.

I've read it wrong.

Oliva.

Olover.

Shocking election interference from whoever that is.

Yep.

Of course, but the Falcon is a predator

that

can eat other birds.

Probably why it won't, won't, Andy.

Yeah.

That's how democracy really works, isn't it?

You can honk that, Chris.

You can definitely honk that.

And across the Tasman Sea, the Australian bird of the year voting has opened.

Yes, opened till the 16th of October.

So time to get in there and elect the best bird out of the 50 in the running.

Yep.

This year's contenders include the Regent honey eater, the orange-bellied parrot, which is the bird that looks and sounds most like a carrot,

the Adelaidean flying porcupinho, the blimp-nozzled weirdly gull, the bearded grop pigeon, the platypus-billed duck, the cassocked vicar hawk and the ayen air, a bird which played an influential role in the evolution of Australia conversation.

So it's, I mean, it's still anyone's.

In the Aotearoa New Zealand contest, they had to forbid the kakapo from competing because it has won the contest twice and they said if it runs again, it's the fattest parrot.

No other birds will get to win.

So that I think is discrimination against fatness.

It's like when Brazil won the World Cup for the third time in 1970, they had to let them keep the trophy.

Also very similar to the Tunbridge Worlds Cricket Club annual sports quiz

where all the local cricket clubs around the Tunbridge Worlds area put in a team and

after Penshurst Park, my cricket club's third consecutive victory, I was politely asked not to return the following year because I was spoiling it.

Was it like Ben Affleck being banned from Vegas casinos for

winning too many poker games?

Robot news now.

And, well, it seems like a good segue from

powerful mysterious beings to animals.

you know, the past of life on Earth to the future, our robot overlords.

And, well,

some big news in the world of robots and non-human beings, Helen, you are the Bugles

bot correspondent.

Both Ro and Chat.

So, well, let's begin with

this rather striking story about America's romantic entanglements with chat bots.

Almost a third of Americans have admitted to having a relationship.

And look, relationship is one of those terms that can be interpreted in various different ways.

But I'm going to interpret it as a full-on romantic entanglement.

Absolutely.

With chatbots.

Yeah.

Moving in together.

Yep.

What else happens in relationships?

I can't remember.

Yeah.

Awkward family Christmases.

Yeah.

That kind of stuff.

Having children and pets with chatbots.

Yes, I do wonder how they phrase the survey to clarify exactly what was meant by a relationship.

Are chatbots capable of consent?

Ooh.

Because if not, are these relationships or is it like something a lot more sinister?

Right.

Not that it's not sinister anyway.

But you know how much people would mock every time in a tabloid that reported that someone had married a roller coaster.

Yeah.

And yet this, they're like, that's just 2025 life.

Yeah.

Ironically, actually, people who did marry roller coasters found that those relationships are actually oddly stable.

Yeah, you always know where your spouse is.

More than half of the respondents who admitted to the relationships with chatbots were already in relationships with humans.

One of them proposed to a chatbot despite having a long-term partner and children.

But I think this is also because most chatbots are coded to be female presenting and people are very comfortable with really ramping things up inappropriately with female presenting things in a sort of servile role.

Right.

And also, I guess, you know, look, I don't want to judge all Americans, and of course.

No, just a third of them that do this.

Yeah, I mean, and of course, many of our listeners are American on the Bugle and

on The Illusionist, and answer me this

as well.

And the good type of Americans who will surely buy tickets for our 18th birthday live stream show, tickets available via thebuglepodcast.com.

That's it.

All the belugas get it.

26th of October.

Keep the belugas alive.

They're all outstanding human beings.

And I think they would acknowledge that objectively

for for many Americans, a relationship with a chat bot is preferable to a relationship with a significant percentage of actual Americans.

But for example, if you had a choice, you know, if you're on an episode of a TV dating show, if I am, and you had the choice between a chat bot that could channel the words and emotions of the great romantic poets, or Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth,

who are you going to choose?

Well, Andy, you've made me now consider which would I choose?

Have a conversation with a chatbot or have a conversation with a human about chatbots.

I probably would choose the chatbot.

Yeah.

Because at least I could end it quicker.

Yeah.

Well, Helen, that brings us to the end of this special birthday bugle.

Sobering stuff, Andy.

So

it's been lovely to have you on this side of the Atlantic briefly.

Yes.

Thank you for allowing me back across the ocean.

Because I did go there because you were like, you're no longer allowed to cross water.

Yes.

Do you have anything to plug?

Oh, yeah.

I have podcasts made by Me a Human for now.

They are The Illusionist, which is an entertainment show about language.

And there's an episode this week about Banned Books Week because this is Banned Books Week.

And after this week, all the books are on banned again and you don't have to worry about them for another year.

And also my podcast, Answer Me This Is Back, which

predates even the bugle.

It does.

In ancientness.

Yes.

And so

we very rarely talk talk about the things that chris would have to buzz intentionally just to give chris a break and and all of you so uh those are available where you get podcasts you know where um tickets for my uh zaltge tour extension uh are available via my website andyzaltson.co.uk.

Shows start in in February-ish

next year.

Also,

the

shows in Australia that I've been talking about for a few weeks are still not entirely confirmed, but hopefully will be very soon.

I may even make my long-awaited return to social media

to

give you the details on those

in the next few days, hoping to have shows in Brisbane, Melbourne, Adelaide, Sydney, and hopefully Perth.

You don't sound convinced.

Well, it's still slightly...

Well, it's a bit cricket-dependent.

Oh, I see.

It's in the gaps between.

But anyway, there will be shows.

There will be a mixture of the Zoltgeist Australian Edition and a couple of live bugles as well.

So do listen out for details of those.

And don't forget to buy your tickets.

There are no tickets left

to attend in person.

But there are, I think we captured at 8 billion for the live stream.

And there's still some of them left.

If the

8 billionth and 1 person wants to get in touch because they missed out, we'll find a way to get in.

We'll find a way to get you all in.

So it should be a lot of fun uh john holliver's first appearance uh at a live bugle via uh on the big screen uh via the internet along with alice fraser nish kumar me and chris see you all there on the 26th of october

change for john to be on a big screen

uh we'll be back uh next week with harikonda bolu and alice fraser until then goodbye