No Kings, and Barely a Prince

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to this, the last bugle, before this coming Sunday's Bugle 18th birthday special live stream live show.

It's actually the earliest plug I've ever got in.

This is issue 4357 of the Bugle.

Sunday's live stream live show on the 26th of October is an event being described as, and I quote, the Shobi's event of the Anthropocene era.

And admittedly, I was quoting myself when I quoted that, but the point stands.

It has now been described as the Shobi's event of the Anthropocene era.

And in a world...

where our own words and opinions count more than objective truth.

That's all you need to know.

To get your tickets to the Shobey's event of the Anthropocene era, go to thebuglepodcast.com.

It'll be the only way for you to see and or hear the entire show.

But anyway, let's get on with this issue of the show.

After that, I mean, most podcasts begin with an advert.

We're just getting on board that

long departed train.

Joining me today for issue 4357 of the Bugle

from

all possible hemispheres in the world, I have Rhea Lena and Tom Ballard.

Hello, both of you.

Good hello.

Hello, Rhea.

Good hello.

Hi, Tom.

Well, I went for a good morning, realized it was a good night, and then I just hello.

Right.

Who cares?

Who gives a shit at this point?

That's what happens when a podcast turns 18.

It just gives up.

It gives up on all the dreams of its youth.

Who gives a shit?

Well, it's true.

I mean, your podcast is now no longer fable by so many men.

So.

Family shit.

It's really legal.

What are you going to do?

We are recording on the 20th of October 2025.

On this day in 1818, the Convention of 1818 was signed.

Appropriate year for it.

We're running out of time.

It was between the USA and the UK settling the Canada-United States border on the 49th parallel for most of its length.

For now.

Could that border change?

At some point in the next 207 years, after remaining pretty stable for the 277 years since it was drawn on the map.

Who knows?

Obviously, the great history of the UK drawing lines on maps has panned out very well for the world over the years.

On this day, as any news bulletin these days would testify, on this day in 1947,

the House Un-American Activities Committee began its investigation into communist infiltration of Hollywood.

The resulting blacklist prevented many from working in Showbiz for years, and I believe that's what's kept me off almost every single UK TV programme as well.

I don't know how I got on that list.

And on the 21st of October, 1854, Florence Nightingale and a staff of 38 nurses were sent to the Crimean War, just 171

short and hot years ago.

As always, a section of the Bugle is going straight in the bin.

Now, this week, well, last week we gave you a multiple choice quiz marking 18 years of the bugle.

This week, in advance of the bugle live stream live 18th birthday show featuring alice fraser nish kuma and the one and only john oliver we have another quiz it's a higher or lower quiz uh tom and rhy you can have a guess at these as well if you get uh if you get them all right um you uh listeners uh will rin uh win the right to buy a ticket to the live stream show once again

which is which is higher or lower is this gig's gig selling early are you okay the gig's sold out it's the online stream where the problem is we capped the tickets to the to the online stream at 10 billion, and it looks like we're going to fall quite well short of that.

We're just trying to get it.

You have to comp out your live stream.

That'll be humiliating.

Higher or lower, total episodes of the bugle since it was launched just over 18 years ago this second.

Or symphonies composed by Ludwig van Beethoven, who picked up his nickname Van, of course, because he always drove all his music equipment around in a van.

Creator of classic hits such as Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, well known as his last symphony, after which he retired from symphony composing and focused on advertising jingles.

And it was composed a couple of years before he then composed his final ever piece of music, Beethoven's First Death.

So,

higher or lower, total episodes of the bugle or symphonies by Beethoven.

Question two, higher or lower.

De Beethoven ever do a thing where he, halfway through the number of symphonies, he said, Okay, I'm jumping to 4,000 now.

Like a dirty liar, like a bugle host would do.

Do you know if Beethoven played that kind of game?

I don't know.

He might have been intending to do that when he popped his clogs after composing Beethoven's First Death, which I believe went,

wah, wah, wah.

Was he already?

Of course.

That was his last contribution to the musical opera.

Sorry, do you think they played Beethoven at Beethoven's funeral?

Is that what works with composers?

Do you get your own shit played as you go down the aisle?

Well, I don't know, actually.

I mean, either way, he wouldn't have been able to hear it.

Yeah.

That's a very good live idea, indeed.

I think it would have been a great joke if they played a bit of Mozart.

It's just some banging from inside the coffin.

Just real retro stuff.

Yeah.

Or

really slam at home, Rachmananoff.

Just be like, hey,

you can't even play this.

I assume you want Bugle podcast episodes played during your funeral, Andy.

Is that what you're doing?

Yeah,

every single one back-to-back didn't want to drag it out higher or lower total words in the uh almost 650 full episodes of the bugle or words in abraham lincoln's sub two-minute rhetorical smash hit 1863 chart top of the gettysburg address um of course speeches had to be shorter than to fit on a vinyl record less than the width of a stovepipe hat which is where of course people stored their record collections in those days hence lincoln's trademark headgear so he could keep his merch with him and try to shift some units when he did a gig this isn't higher or lower.

This is just which one's higher.

Uh, yeah, good point.

I mean, I mean, look, look, bring pedantry to the bugle.

You're always welcome, Rhea.

Ria, just let him read the bullshit.

All right, let him take a break, step back for the microphone.

I think we're all in the bin, aren't we?

We're all in the bin at this point.

Finally,

which room, which is higher or lower, or highest, stroke, lowest?

Adam, I've got three options here.

Um, years lasted by the Bugle podcast since its birth 18 years ago, years in the average five-year plan, or years until my Australian tour dates, which begin in November in Perth and go through to January in Sydney.

More details on those later in the show.

Anyway, if you answer all those three correctly, you too can buy a ticket to our live stream live show available by the Buglepodcast.com.

That section in the pin.

Thanks for your support, guys.

Top story this week.

Prince Andrew has been sacked, sort of, or been sacked from using his weird names and titles that he likes to use.

The UK is reeling from the truly shocking news that Prince Andrew, our God-bestowed legally semi-divine ceremonial backup overlord and 8th Reserve stand-in emergency monarch, has been told in no uncertain terms that he will simply have to use some new headed note paper because he's agreed to stop calling himself some of the silly names he's previously been allowed to call himself.

The man who has long put the horrific into honorific title

has agreed to give up his use of the Duke of York title and various other tags that he uses when he does his graffiti.

I forget what they all are.

His only remaining title will be that of Prince,

subject to legal challenge from the estate of Prince, the late American rock legend.

Tom, what of, I mean, obviously, Australia is

you know

clinging clinging to the the to the to the monarchy by the the umbilical cord of of medieval feudalism that that binds our two nations together um how's the news been taken taken where you are well we're devastated we think it's a pretty brutal punishment you know andrew has to give up his title as you say duke of york his honours as a knight grand cross of the royal victorian order the royal knight companion of the most noble order of the garter grand dragon of the evildoers arch nonce of the freemasons President of the Stone Cutters.

He's got to give up his Sith Lordship, his life membership to the League of Shadows, his complimentary OnlyFan subscription, and his platinum status on the Lolita Express.

It's pretty intense.

I'm told he will continue to act as brand ambassador for Peter Express, which is really great news.

And I believe he's still going to be allowed to keep using the title of Randy Andy.

I think everyone was like, you know, fair enough, mate.

You have earned that one, so you can keep it.

And I understand that the Reform Party are willing to welcome him into their fold.

Yeah, he was given on his wedding day the titles of the Earl of Inverness and Baron Killile.

Killile?

Killili?

Killile.

I think they should let him keep Baron Killile

because it sounds ridiculous.

Well, you know, just like instead of Prince Andrew, hi,

I'm Andrew Killile.

And what happened was I killed my life with one single lei.

Which I didn't do, but I did pay $12 million for.

But I didn't do it.

But I paid $12 million.

But I didn't do it.

That's how much I didn't do it.

I didn't pay million dollars

to not do it.

The only remaining title that he'll be able to use is Prince, which according to reports, it cannot be removed because he was born the son of a queen, despite the fact that it clearly could be removed, despite him being born the son of a queen.

if anyone could be asked to do it.

But that would, of course, would entail the UK at least temporarily suspending the medieval feudalism cosplay addiction that is sort of the closest thing we've got to a constitution.

He said in his statement, I've decided, as I always have, to put my duty to my family and country first.

Always is doing some heavy lifting there, and not very successfully.

It's just been squashed like a cartoon coyote under a 1,000-ton lead weight.

And he's not actually giving up the titles currently.

He's just not going to use them.

like me with my Lord High Priest Almighty of the True Groove title, which I don't like to kind of like to show off with.

The titles, well, we touched on Duke of York, that entitled, used to entitle Andrew to access a standing army of 10,000 men, but limited them to fairly simple hill walking exercises.

The Earl of Inverness, which allowed him to eat dinosaurs fished out of his local lock, cooked or otherwise.

The Royal Knight Companion of the Order of the Garter that you mentioned, that's something to do with the right to use SM kit in the Tower of London on non-public execution days.

That goes back a bit.

Also, he was in 2017, apparently, he was awarded the Order of Isabella the Catholic, although that might have been something that he himself requested from an escort agency, but but we're still waiting for confirmation of that.

And the Freedom of the City of London, which he got in 2012 for reasons unknown, which enables um entitles him to drive sheep over Tower Bridge whenever he wants, to eat swans direct from lakes, to prance naked around the crypt in Westminster Abbey, twerking whatever tombs he wants to twerk, and to demand carnal inflorences with either a lead performer in any West End musical or any mammal or reptile from London Zoo that is in

an awake or semi-awake state.

I also liked in the statement.

Andrew said, in discussion with the king and my immediate and wider family, we have concluded the continued accusations about me distract from the work of His Majesty and the Royal Family.

And I think that's bang on.

So if you've ever found yourself thinking that the royal family doesn't do any work, you're wrong.

Okay, you've been tricked by Andrew.

They actually do heaps of work all the time.

You just don't hear about it just because one of them happens to be buddies with a sexual vampire.

That's the only reason why.

And a Chinese spy.

And also Chinese vampire.

Don't forget that.

Obviously, the history of sex vampires in the British royal family goes back to,

I think, something like Ethelred the Unready back in the day.

But

it's a long way back.

He will no longer be Colonel-in-Chief of Royal Highland Fusiliers of Canada.

I think that he might have already stepped down from that.

But it's a real blow for the Royal Highland Fusiliers of Canada, particularly with the war with America looming at some point in the next month or century, that they're going to have to find a new colonel-in-chief, former Spurs and Nottingham Forest, and Poster Coglu, has been rumoured as a potential new Colonel-in-Chief of the Royal Highland Fusiliers of Canada.

He's also no longer be colonel-in-chief of the Royal New Zealand Army Logistic Regiment.

Although you would hope in this day and age that could be automated, as indeed could all members of the Royal Family, to be honest.

I mean, he's basically...

Do you need, I'm sorry, how much logistics does an army on an island need?

I mean, they're really far out there.

Does it just swap them between the north and the south island in New Zealand?

Like, what does the army you would like?

I would understand if New Zealand had a massive navy, that would make a lot of sense to me.

But an army, I'd be like, yay, yay, you for your little land army.

I think the main roles of the New Zealand Army, and we will have to check with our New Zealand listeners and maybe ask James Nakise, our

New Zealand correspondent, whether the prime role of the New Zealand Army is merely to control unusually enthusiastic rugby matches.

I think that's probably all they have to do on a kind of day-to-day basis.

I mean, sign me up for that service.

That sounds so beautiful.

Andrew has been cut loose from the monarchy, according to one report.

And this does raise concerns about the increased policing costs and logistical public safety implications of having Prince Andrew on the loose around the UK, wearing civilian clothing and not having his entry into a building or remark with someone tootling some shit on a trumpet.

So, I mean, it's going to be difficult.

It's going to be

an increased risk of Prince Andrew's life.

It's more dangerous than ever.

The 65-year-old Prince, who I think has to be said, is pretty unlucky to have been born just a few hundred years too late to get away with absolutely anything.

Um, could now be forced to settle down and get a regular nine-to-five, possibly in this stuffed toy department of a prominent luxury store.

Um, there was uh various reports over

recent years that he is obsessed with with stuffed toys.

He has a loving, according to a documentary and other reports, he has a quotes, lovingly curated collection of

either 50 or 60 or exactly 72 stuffed toys.

And if his servants had not arranged them in the correct order, he would lose his shit

and become verbally abusive.

Now, once again, I guess if you've grown up in the circumstances he grew up in, maybe a temper tantrum over wrongly arranged stuffed toys makes perfect logical sense.

But

I'm not a flawless person.

Did you say he has probably exactly 72?

Do you mean like the virgins in heaven that

suicide bombers get?

Is that a coincidence or is that a straight line?

I want virgins too.

That is very much your interpretation of that

number being exactly 72 according to one.

I mean, there's a number of reasons it could be 72.

No, you were quite right.

That is, to be fair, it might not be 72 virgins in the original text.

Yes.

But I think virgins was the important bit that he was focused on when he asked for them, wasn't it?

Yes.

But, you know, I mean, how do you define what's a virgin and what's

a stuffed cuddly toy?

Well, I guarantee after he's had it for a night, it's no longer a virgin by any definition.

Oh, my lord.

And look, it's not clear in terms of how he demanded his stuffed toys be arranged.

And this was also not when he was a child.

this is when he was an adult we're talking about in the 1990s and subsequently um not clear if it was by

i hope they were all face up and not bumm up do you know what i mean like just why can i see their faces

it's not clear if the and we will be asking prince andrew to come on this show and put his side of the story um

maybe not at the live show next week to which a ticket to the live gym are available um it's not clear if he arranged his toys in what order they had to be arranged and whether it's by age by height alphabetically by name by species by cuddliness or by sexual attractiveness and and to issue a legal clarification there have until this show been no official rumors that prince andrew either was or wasn't sexually indimiminate with his own stuffed toys but anyway the number 72 look

Why 72 when anything between 64 and 128 makes it so tricky to organise a neatly structured knockout competition to give you your stuffed toy the day champion?

Possibly 72 is because that's enough for six separate stuffed toy juries to rule on any legal cases that he is rehearsing for at any one time.

Is that enough?

But 72 might not be enough.

It's possible it's one for each of the football league clubs in the three divisions below the Premier League, which does suggest he's got another collection of 20 really, really special stuffed toys that he keeps on really, really special occasions.

But anyway, look, the point is

he's a strange man and

he's still a prince.

He's still a prince.

A prince is a prince.

He can still feel a carrot underneath 50 mattresses or whatever princes can do.

In other UK news,

if there is anything more important than a prince who'd basically already been

They tried to trot him out of public life several years ago, but he's been hanging around being even further trotskied out of public life.

um china has threatened the uk with and i quote here consequences um over delayed planning to its um uh so-called london mega embassy uh this uh follows uh tensions over the collapse of a of a uh court case against uh two people called chris alleged um to have spied for china um yeah that's not our chris who's completely above board isn't that right chris

beijing this is this is london uh the ferret barks at dawn.

Ferret barks at dawn.

Chris, Chris?

Hello?

Hello?

Sorry, sorry.

This is like ex-producer Tom and the Bolivians all over again.

Anyway,

the court case

collapsed,

leading to blame tennis that reached kind of Borg v.

McIner in that famous 1980 Wimbledon final tiebreak levels.

The Tories criticised Labour for the collapse of the trial.

Labour criticised the Tories.

They both criticised the Crown Prosecution Service.

The Crown Prosecution Service criticised how complicated law is.

And China criticised James Bond for making spying looking way more fun and glamorous than it actually is.

I guess in a way, Rio, we should be flattered that China can still be asked to spy on us.

It shows that we're still someone on the global stage.

They can still be bothered to hire two dweebs called Chris to do some low-level espionage of stuff that's basically public domain anyway.

Really, if anything, I think people are missing the point.

Like, they want to build the biggest embassy in Europe

in our backyard.

And everyone's worried about the Chris's.

I'm like, what do you think they're putting in that massive embassy?

And why do you think they want to build it?

And everyone's going, but what about the Chris's?

Really?

No, I mean, you know what?

I want to know who gets to build the embassy once it who gets that contract?

Do they actually import Chinese builders to build it so that we don't know where all the hidden technology is in the embassy, or do we get to build it?

Because I would say, let them have the embassy, but we build it, and then

we can install everything we want to install in their embassy.

Also, is it an embassy or is it half like a Timu warehouse so that we don't keep having to import stuff on TikTok from China?

Because I think, again, if they just presented it that way, we'd be a lot more amenable to letting them have the space.

Look, I think there's a couple of things I need to pick you up on here.

One is the idea that if the British construction industry built this embassy, we would be competent enough to put functioning surveillance equipment in it.

And also that it would be finished at any point within the next 60 years.

And

do you see how good a plan that is?

It's a big job.

What you want to get several listening inspired devices to do international geopolitical espionage.

Oh, that will take a long time, mate.

Long time that.

Oh, years in acting.

How many years in acting school did you have?

Thank you.

I thought that was all right.

My bad, my bad.

It is a mega embassy, though.

It's 20,000 square meters.

It will be the biggest embassy in Europe, still slightly smaller than the UK's former embassy in China, otherwise known as Hong Kong.

Slightly bigger, I believe.

And I thought it was funny.

Yes, the UK wants to carry out its own refurbishments on the British Embassy in Beijing, and apparently China is holding up approving those changes because of the hold-up of the building of the Chinese embassy in London, which I think we can all agree is very juicy drama.

Finally, a reality show that combines the high stakes of geopolitical diplomacy with the bitchiness and aesthetic intrigue of interior design and renovations.

If you think I'm hosting those dignitaries with that wallpaper and throw pillow accommodation, you've got another thing coming, hunty.

The threat of consequences is, I mean, that's a useful term.

It's helpfully vague.

It encompasses all possible gamuts of everything from full-blown Armageddon to a bit of a scowl across the UN General Assembly chamber via applying increased commercial and political pressure on the WPBSA to move the World Snooker Championships from Sheffield to China.

So it's hard to know exactly what those consequences will be.

Obviously, option three is the most worrying of

those that

I mentioned.

I think

what all this shows is the awkward relationship that we in the UK have with China at the moment.

The case collapsed because the government would not describe China as an enemy.

And according to the piece of legislation, the Official Secrets Act from 1911, prosecutors would have to prove agents were acting for an enemy.

Bearing in mind, this is legislation from 1911, so it only really covers people with a well-waxed moustache, a pocket watch, and a working knowledge of the laws of billiards.

But it shows, you know, we're in an awkward, and Keir Starmer described China as an epoch-defining challenge, but not an enemy or a threat to national security.

And as the old saying goes, keep your friends close and your epoch-defining challenges closer.

And it's

a really tricky balance because obviously it would be nice not to be spied on by the soon-to-be, if not already world's number one superpower, but also excellent quality and well-priced gadgets, bargain t-shirts and superb dumplings.

How do you play those off

against the other?

You know, as the old saying goes, don't keep quoting old sayings.

And as the other old saying goes, if you want to make an omelette, you're going to need a cut-price frying pan from a China-based online retailer and Chinese-produced mobile phone to look up an omelette recipe plus from eggs from what appears to be a charming, independent, free-range, ethically sensational farm, but is in fact part of a Beijing-owned farming conglomerate with close links to the highest echelons of the Chinese Communist Party.

So

we're in a bind, essentially.

Never caught on that saying, did it?

Yeah.

No.

Although I was thinking it the other day.

It's weird when it just pops up and you go, wow, this really applies to this situation.

It really did.

And actually, it is perfect amount of time to fry an egg.

When you say it to yourself, by the time you finish, your egg is done.

We get this in Australia all the time, right?

It is Shodinger's China.

It is simultaneously an evil threat to our national security and our values, and one of our largest trading partners, who we value and appreciate very much.

We stand against China's evil communist tyranny, but we also look forward to a long and productive business relationship.

We will never compromise on our values, but our doors are always open.

China is our enemy and our friend, and we trust them as we resist them, and we value our commercial friendship as we continue to fight them to the death.

You think a guy called Chris Cash and another guy called Chris Berry are the two big threats to our national security?

They're not.

Cash and berry.

It's like it's like a double act that never made it to primetime telly.

Like it's just

cash and bury, cash and bury, cash and bury.

But it's just

or a yeah, either that or it's an off-book funeral service.

Promising.

But anyway, look.

Service is a lot of mob hits.

Yes, if you've got anything to get rid of that you don't want to.

If you have something to get rid of, but you don't want anyone to know where it is.

Call us, cash and bury.

Give us the cash.

We'll bury it for you.

Cash and bury.

Bing, bang, boom.

All done.

No further questions, is it?

I am loving.

I am loving your character who was born in New Jersey, but finished their schooling in the east end of London.

You, it's 20 to 12 in Australia.

You know, I find I'm intrigued.

I'm intrigued.

I'd watch an episode, is what I'm saying.

I'd watch at least an episode.

Yeah, he's got a very rich backstory, actually.

So, yeah.

Very much like Prince Andrew himself, who has an extremely rich backstory.

A lot of the spying seems very lame as well.

In one of the messages between the men, one of them is alleged to have said to the other,

You're in spy territory now.

Which, in terms of like cool things, a spy could say, pretty lame.

I don't remember James Bond ever saying shit like, I'm a spy.

I'm doing spying right now.

You know what my job is?

Spying.

That accurately describes my employment.

God, so many voices tonight.

It is how he welcomed every woman into his bedroom.

You're in spy territory now.

You're in spy territory.

And then in a note to Mr.

Berry, Mr.

Casher allegedly wrote about some of the information, VV confidential, Devo don't share with your new employer.

Again, say what you like about the Cold War.

At least people took a little bit more care to speak in code.

I don't remember reading about Russian spies being like, hey, babes, Defoe NSFW, but these nuclear codes are lit AF.

So props keep it on the DL.

Okay, thanks, bye.

I mean, really, are we getting, are we actually wanting Chris and Chris to go on trial for spying, or are we wanting them to go on trial for being shit spies?

Well, I mean, that's...

Because I think that's their bigger crime.

Yeah.

I mean, Keir Starmer

was criticized for not intervening to prevent the trial from collapsing.

And

Starmer's spokeswoffler general explained that it was not for the Prime Minister to intervene in the case

and that it was for the DPP, the Director of Public Prosecutions, or the CPS, the Criminal Prosecution Service, to make a decision on a criminal case.

And this is a very disappointingly old-fashioned way of going about things, to allow the appropriate people and organisations to make decisions within their remit based on the information that they have and the law of the land.

It makes you wonder why Keir Starmer bothered going into politics if he's not interested in subverting process and imposing his demands over correct legal procedure and precedent.

I think that's why he's failing as a prime minister, this borderline 19th century stuff, frankly.

America News now, and America has been protesting against King Charles.

I think that's...

Is that right?

I just read the headline.

Huge no-kings protests with millions and millions of people across thousands of locations across America demanding the end of British monarchical rule.

Sorry, I've not updated this for about 250 years.

But there were huge protests across the USA.

The second No Kings protest, the first

was on Donald Trump's birthday in June.

I'm not sure if that was his actual birthday or his official state birthday.

I know

the UK, the monarch has both.

Millions of people took to the streets.

Millions of Americans giving proof through the dark night of Trumpism that their flag is still there, so to speak.

What's, I mean,

in terms of

where America is at the moment, in terms of complete and utter irreconcilable division,

do you still think it's got, I mean, it always seems to find a new way of pulling more division out of the bag just when you think that they've completed it.

Where do you guys,

did either of you go on these protests that were in

America, thousands of miles from where you live?

I toyed with going to the one in Paris, but just because I was craving a croissant, and I realized that wasn't the right reason.

I'll be honest, I don't fully understand why we're calling this a no-kings protest, because

if they actually read a bit of history and they and they keep looking at their history.

Oh, we didn't want the king then.

We don't want the king now.

You know, I'm amazed they haven't chucked a bunch of cheeseburgers over a ship side into the quay.

You know, that's really how to send the message home.

But what I don't understand is if they'd actually read a little bit more history, they would realize that if you make him king, you can then create a constitutional monarchy and completely get rid of the problem.

So I think you should push him towards a monarchy.

I think that, you know, again, once he's a monarch, we can start stripping him of titles the moment it comes out that he's friends with billionaire pedophiles.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, there's so many things that we can do once he is king that we cannot do while he's president because the Supreme Court gave him pretty much presidential immunity at the beginning of his second term.

That really we should be working together to get that crown glued to that man's head.

And as we saw from the front cover of Time magazine, there's plenty of space where they disappeared the hair for it.

Oh, that's going to make him cry.

He's a regular listener to the bugle.

He's not going to enjoy that, but real.

Sorry, Donald.

Sorry, man.

Americans famously hate kings, Andy, unless those kings are providing burgers, donuts, or ranch dressing.

In which case, they're American as hell.

I mean, let's be real.

If the donut king ever ran for president, he'd win all 50 states.

And if the burger king was his VP, you'd be looking at some straight-up FDR shit.

Okay.

And he responded.

Trump responded to these protests by saying, I'm not a king.

And during the protests back in June, he told the media, I don't feel like a king.

I have to go through hell to get stuff approved.

Which is just an incredible take.

He's saying, no, I'm not a king and it's really annoying i think there's a decent chance that trump thinks people are out there on the streets protesting against their lack of a king what do we have no kings what do we want more kings there's too much admin

um

in terms of you know his response uh to these uh pros i'm going to give you guys a multiple choice here if you can uh guess which was uh how trump responded to these uh millions of people protesting in thousands of places across the uh the usa um did he he a respond with dignity acknowledging that in politics it's impossible to please everyone stating that he constantly strives for the best for all americans accepting that differences opinion are not only inevitable but desirable in a functioning democratic um uh dynamic democracy and celebrating the glories of freedom of speech and protest enshrined in the us constitution by the founding daddies all those years ago did he b just ignore it he had more important things to do or did he c post a video of himself on social media flying a fighter jet over america and dropping a huge payload of shit on the protesters any guesses a B, or C?

Come on, take a wild step.

Could I find a friend on this?

I think it'd have to be C, Andy.

I'd like to lock that in.

It is definitely C.

I've seen the video, and

it's an incredible use of AI, if I'm honest.

Yes.

Some of it is excellent.

Some of it you go, oh, that could have really happened.

And some of it you go, oh, they used the Time magazine photo to make Trump

in this.

They fed it one photo and it was that photo because he looks dead in it.

He genuinely looks dead and then brought back to life again.

But

it's kind of, I hate to say it.

I mean, it's disgusting, but it's kind of a funny video.

I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter.

It might be the video that brings us together.

It doesn't matter where you are in the political spectrum.

People getting covered in shit and it's kind of funny.

You know, they're there.

They're so angry.

And then, oh, my God, what is this?

Oh, my God.

It's shit.

It's just a beautiful emotional journey that we all shorten foristically, is that a word?

Shortened

shortenfristically like to watch.

And we're just through the looking glass at this point.

We're through the looking glass where the quote leader of the free world is using AI to make videos of him dumping and the plane pooing.

I mean, the plane poos in a way that, like, no animal poos.

You know, like,

no animal.

Yeah, and that's the thing.

It sort of starts as like the laws of physics were completely ignored when making this video, but it does add to the humor of it.

Like it's like a big blob, you know, the meniscus on the shit before it breaks.

It's just an incredible thing.

I mean, just put all of your anger and your politics aside.

Have a quick squiff at this video.

Just put it all to one side.

I don't think I've laughed that hard.

It's funny.

It is funny.

It's wrong, but it's funny.

It wouldn't be the the first law he's completely ignored, to be fair.

I haven't laughed that hard since I watched a video of a squirrel eating,

what's you know, eating kimchi.

Did someone put out kimchi or like spicy noodles on their deck next to a bowl of water, and the squirrel would come up to eat it, go, ha!

Because it's so hot, then do the water and then come back and eat more of the noodles.

The funniest video I've ever seen.

Side, second to a plane dropping shit on protesters.

I'm sorry.

That's where I'm at right now.

I believe that squirrel's just been made Secretary of the Treasury.

So

pretty exciting for him.

Big day.

According to The Guardian, there were lots of amazing signs at these rallies and stuff.

Some of them said hands off Chicago.

Others read Resist Fascism.

But according to The Guardian, many others use language unsuitable for broadcast.

Yeah.

And the Guardian didn't print those signs because they're f ⁇ ing pussy cs who don't realize that saying naughty words doesn't really matter much compared to f ⁇ ing authoritarianism and the collapse of f ⁇ ing democracy.

Enjoy that, Chris.

Thanks, mate.

And all these costumes, people dressed up as like frogs at lobsters.

There was a 72-year-old lady named Giddy Eschbach who went to the rally in LA dressed as SpongeBob SquarePants, which apparently was her second choice after not being able to find an inflatable frog costume.

Anyway, long story short, Andy, everything's going to be fine.

Sure, the fascists have the House, house, the senate, the White House, the military, and almost the entirety of the corporate media, but the left has dress-ups, okay?

We might not be able to coordinate a revolution, but Halloween is going to be awesome, bro.

Finally, sports news now.

And well, in times of difficulty, we like to take our minds off the cares of the world and the horrors of news through the just distract distraction of sport.

And, you know, it's great to have sport around to

divert us temporarily at least from the big stories, which makes it quadruply annoying when sport finds itself power-winched into real news, as happens annoyingly often these days.

And even gymnastics has been caught up in this.

The Indonesian government refused to give visas to the Israeli gymnastics team ahead of the World Championships in Jakarta.

No, she went of her own accord.

So

there's just no way to get sport, to get life and sport

away from the big terrible story.

Donald Trump keeps interfering in sport.

Aston Villa tried to ban fans of the

Israeli football team, Maccabi Tel Aviv, from attending their game with Aston Villa that caused a huge political rumpus here.

Not entirely helped by Maccabi Tel Aviv's fans, then perpetrating some acts of pretty violent hooliganism since then.

But the

refusing visas to the Israeli gymnastics team for the World Championships,

personally, I think this decision is completely off-beam, to be honest, and deeply flawed.

And morally, I don't see why you would bar one country from competing, but not others.

Oh, no.

And you can't have inconsistent rules for barring countries from participating.

Surely, you can't have uneven bars.

You have to have parallel bars.

So it's the same for everyone.

And I think it should be a high bar anyway.

I just pity the poor gymnasts.

Unsure if they'd be allowed to compete or not, waiting until their phone rings.

Look, I'm not blaming anyone.

I'm not saying it's anyone's fault.

It's just not good.

All round.

But anyway, best of luck to the Brits in the World Championships.

So I hope a pom will win.

Of course.

Of course.

Me.

When was the last time we did one of those?

Oh, it's been a while.

Did you hurt yourself?

I think you've got a muscle there.

Just warming up for the Bugle live stream live show, which there will be puns

on Sunday, the 26th of October.

Oh, God.

I'm in favor of it.

I'll be honest with you, Andy, though.

To be fair, I'm in favor of banning everyone everywhere from participating in sport, regardless of their politics.

Here, here.

Here, yes.

I mean, what is sport but just war?

Yes, yes.

Yes.

The one thing that will bring us all together is the recognition that sport is stupid and boring.

And I will not rest until every pitch, stadium, and running track is designated a no-go zone for everyone.

It was very confusing reading about this story because you've got the Israeli Gymnastics Federation, the IGF, and the Federation of International Gymnastics, the FIG.

So the FIG is banning the IGF because of the actions of the IDF and IDK.

What the f is going on?

It's very confusing.

Well, no, actually, it was actually the Indonesian government, to be fair.

It was the Indonesian government that said we're not granting them visas.

I don't, I'll be honest, I'm not sure why anyone was surprised.

Not because I...

I agree with the decision, but Indonesia have been banning Israel since the 60s

and or refusing to participate or being banned from participating in sports whenever Israel is involved.

So, how they didn't see this coming sooner and were only complaining about it three weeks before the event when you go, really?

Really, you didn't see this coming?

Because, I mean, in 1962, in the Asian Games, Indonesia similarly barred Israel athletes, leading to its exclusion from the 64 Tokyo Olympics by the International Olympic Committee.

And then in March 2023, Indonesia was stripped of its right to host footballs under-20 World Cup after the governor of Bali again refused to host the Israel team.

So we have a history of it here.

So if you couldn't see that coming, you need to train better.

That is a fair point.

Yeah, I mean, the relationship between, well, I mean,

Jewish people in sports have been a little bit rocky ever since Moses was accused of cheating in a swimming race across the Red Sea all those years ago.

It's a lot of bad news, though.

Israel has been denied entry to compete in the World Artistic Gymnastics Championships.

But people who still believe that Israel has acted morally and in accordance with international law during its assault on Gaza are still able to compete in the World Mental Gymnastic Championships,

where I believe they're all expected to win gold.

There, we've got a sport joke out of you.

That's awesome.

I'm very impressed by that.

These are dark times, Andy.

These are dark, dark times.

You've opened the door now, Tom.

You've opened the door.

One sporting event that is unlikely to be cancelled or affected by political boycotts is the Ashes cricket series forthcoming between Australia and England,

during which I will be performing

in Perth on the 26th of November.

Brisbane, there's a live bugle on the 2nd and my stand-up show on the 3rd.

Adelaide on the 14th and or 15th at TBC.

Melbourne, there's a bugle show on the 22nd and a stand-up show on the 23rd of December.

And at the Sydney Comedy Store on the 2nd of January, tickets will be on sale within, I'm reliably informed, a week or so.

So do keep

an eye out for those, wherever you keep an eye out for stuff online or otherwise.

Do come along to all of those shows.

Tom, anybody else?

I'm glad to be joining you to that Melbourne one, Andy, but I'll be getting ready to celebrate the birth of our Christ and Saviour.

You don't know much about that, but there's a big sort of just a couple of days after that a few folks will be getting together and celebrating you know the messiah so whatever

um tom anything to plug oh uh people can listen to my podcast serious danger with me and my dear friend edward moon talking about politics from a green left perspective and you can follow me on social media at tomc ballot please

I'm currently on tour in the UK and we're branching out into Europe.

So have a look at my website, Rolina.com.

I've also just joined Patreon for a variety of different things, but I do a paper jab on Sundays and my tour diaries go up on there, which is all the crap comedians talk about on the way to a gig, which is often complaining about the gig the day before.

My UK tour resumes next year.

Details are already on my website, andy'salton.co.uk, where shortly there will be details and booking links to those shows in Australia.

And most of all, don't forget to join us for for our Bugle Live Stream Live 18th birthday show on Sunday the 26th.

I think it's a 7pm UK time start.

Is that right, Chris?

Go to thebuglepodcast.com now and check.

All right.

Well, why not?

You all do that listening, and we'll see you all there.

Consider yourselves thoroughly.

18 years, everybody.

18 fing years.

But are there any tickets for the live stream?

That's what I want to know.

There's loads of tickets for the live stream.

The live show itself is sold out.

If you're in the first 10 billion, you can buy a ticket to the live stream live show.

See you all there.

Ria, Tom, thanks for joining us.

We'll be back.

Thank you, Eddie.

Well, next week we will have a few highlights for you from the live stream live show.

But if you want to see the whole thing, you're going to have to join us.

Tickets available at thebublepodcast.com.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.