S3 E2: What Ever Happened to Happy Jane?

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Why are you sitting like that?

Because I was eating

and I didn't want to eat directly into your ear.

That hasn't stopped you before.

Is that a common problem?

That you eat in my ear?

Is that why we broke up?

Are we talking about this?

It's just a joke.

It was just a joke.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just joking around.

Oh,

Hey, how's everybody been lately?

Chill?

For Dan and I, not so much.

Do you want a hug?

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you want a sit-down hug or a stand-up hug?

Oh, a sit-down hug.

I'm sorry, David.

The past few years have been innumerably difficult for every person on Earth.

You don't need me to tell you that.

We've lost loved ones, jobs, our futures, our minds, and I count myself among the lucky ones.

Maybe not on the farthest end of the spectrum, say as corporate CEOs who took home higher profits and bonuses than ever before, ever in the history of the world.

And that's true, it's a fact, and frankly criminal.

No, I didn't fare that well, but still, as painful as it's been, I'd have to put my personal experience kind of in the middle, though how could anyone measure?

Here's a brief synopsis.

In March of 2020, the world came to a grinding, deathly halt.

Homeschooling began.

Our company took out one of those PPP loans and then when that ran out, we had to lay off the majority of our staff and take pay cuts.

Then my uncle, my only relative west of the Mississippi who lived nearby in Hollywood, he died.

He'd been struggling with HIV most of his life, so maybe COVID wasn't to blame, but who knows?

One day, he just keeled over from a heart attack.

And due to travel restrictions, Dan and I were tasked with settling his affairs.

It was really sad.

And then time just dragged on.

We worked, worked, parented, homeschooled, cried, repeat.

Then my daughter's father moved across the country.

And then my dad and stepdad both had major cardiac events within a few months of each other.

They're doing okay now, but given what had just happened with Uncle Patty, it was terrifying.

And then I entered perimenopause and became very depressed.

I grew a giant uterine fibroid that made me feel like I had to pee all the time and made my back hurt.

My landlord sold our house and luckily we didn't get kicked out by the new owners, but we had to let a bunch of strangers roam around in it for months during the pandemic.

I wanted to stay in bed most days and sometimes I did.

My diet went further into the trash.

I gained 30 pounds.

And Dan and I experienced our own version of what I think a lot of couples couples went through during the lockdown.

Things just stopped working the way they used to.

There is a phrase I'm searching for, though, like

bad taste.

In poor taste.

In poor taste.

Yes.

It wasn't, though.

I'm just sensitive.

I don't know.

No, it's okay.

I mean,

I should understand that.

No, in general,

do you want to feel better about yourself or something?

That's what you that's what I've heard.

Are you talking about right now?

Yeah.

In this moment, you just made me cry.

No, no.

I do want to feel better right now.

Yeah.

I want to feel better.

Why?

Because this sucks.

Were you feeling that way pre-pandemic?

No.

Okay.

No, I think the pandemic is a big thing.

I think also

I feel a constant chipping away at my resolve.

Yeah.

You know, and my like patience,

tolerance,

joyfulness, optimism, happiness.

It

feels so daunting to deal with.

And again, I don't know if we should include something like that, but it's true.

That's what I was thinking.

I was like, how honest do I want to be about this on this show?

Because I don't want to lie.

Yes, I still go to therapy and I've adjusted my meds, but there's just a dark cloud over everything.

I'm feeling like I forgot how to do life.

The me that put on tailored clothing, that went to work further than 15 steps from my bed or even outside of my bed, that cared at least a little bit about being healthy, that felt like life was fun.

That woman feels very, very far away and I cannot reach her.

I'm alive, I'm functioning because I don't have a choice, but I'm not getting much out of it.

I don't think I'm in an uncommon place.

Like I think a lot of people can identify identify with how I'm feeling.

I'm not feeling anywhere near my best.

And it feels like a very, very difficult daily fight I'm having with myself and am beating myself up for like not being more motivated, not being, not having more energy, not being more dedicated, not being more productive.

not being more loving to everyone around me, not being more tolerant, like all of the things that if I was feeling really good about myself would just be there.

Um,

like I'm depressed, and I feel

and I, I think that that's a lot of people are feeling like that.

I remember the first week of the pandemic when I think you were at the house, even when the news came on the TV.

Remember that?

Yeah, and with the with the shutdown, yes, yeah,

I mean, we knew that there was a it was coming, that COVID was out there, but

the day where schools closed and don't leave your house that day,

I remember being devastated, feeling

on the one hand, like forced vacation.

And on the other hand, oh my God, people are dying and I can't leave the house

or I might kill someone or be killed myself.

That was very heavy information.

And it felt temporary, but it also felt really gnarly.

And I don't know what what the psychology is after,

I don't know if anyone knows what that really did with having the lockdown last so long and having

so many people die and having so many people get sick.

And then me having COVID twice and what is the long COVID element of this.

Sorry, I keep weeping.

No, it's okay.

I mean,

but I want to talk to somebody about that.

Because

I'm I'm holding myself up to a version of me and a world that

maybe can't ever exist again.

Dan and I have spent many, maybe too many hours talking about how to bring the old me back, and we've hit wall after wall.

As for Dan, he's not saying it here because it's just not his style to be as open as I am with a bunch of strangers, but this has all been really hard on him too.

Otherwise, maybe we wouldn't have broken up if like one of us was feeling normal.

But Dan also isn't as open as I am to looking outward for solutions.

I'd take life advice from Ronald McDonald if it would help me feel better in even some tiny way.

But Dan is a little more skeptical in this one area.

He'll tell you that himself.

I think it's interesting because I think that

you

like the idea of someone of like kind of letting someone else tell you how to improve

or an external factor helping you in some way sounds good.

And I am like weirdly, stubbornly, like, meh, like, if someone tries to explain to me what like I ran for a long time jogging and getting exercise and I would ride my bike or walk everywhere just like because I wanted to.

Not because anyone else did, you know, like total butt about it.

But like that, in a sense, I do think that that's my problem.

Not mine.

I can't tell you how much time I spend googling how to get happy right now.

I tried waking up and getting sunshine on my face every morning.

Walking every day did nothing, except it made me listen to podcasts, which I don't really actually enjoy doing.

Eating salads was a bust.

Hormones probably helped a little bit, but I don't know how you measure that.

Meditating was relaxing, I guess, but we needed to think bigger.

But then I thought, hey, if I was improved in my selfness, if I was an improved self, I would enjoy every morning like Grandma Ruth, you know?

So I would, yeah.

I have a list of things, but they're not, mine are very

existential.

Well, it's the beginning of the process.

We're going to whittle this stuff down to

action items.

So what do you have?

Existentially, big picture.

Oh, big picture?

You want to go big?

Yeah, I mean, I feel like, you know, let's think big and then we'll see what we can do about it.

Like, first of all, the universe would have to change.

I would have to be

immortal.

That's the number one thing.

Death.

Don't want it.

Need to improve my outlook there.

I need that to not be on the books.

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Okay, so if I were to think of that in

action step form,

then obviously you cannot be immortal yet, but you could try to live as long as you can.

And so there's some, you know.

What's start taking away everything I like?

Is that what you're saying?

Huh.

Truly, like, I have to, I would have to, that's the problem.

Yeah, no talk about what the fuck?

That's not living.

Cigarettes.

Cigarettes.

Fake cigarettes, but cigarettes.

Caffeine.

Caffeine.

Wine.

Wine.

Laying down.

Laying down.

Watching TV.

Watching TV.

Texting TikTok.

Excuse me.

Drinking Diet Coke.

Yeah, texting TikTok.

Drinking Diet Coke.

I want to stay sitting down.

I just want to chill.

But I think sitting down is actually hurting me.

Can you use that as like a stepping stone?

Like, since laying down isn't great,

I can take take laying down off my list of things.

Believe me, I have dug deep for inspiration, motivation, all of that stuff because I want to live forever and I want to be

as physically attractive as possible

while I live forever.

I'm not gonna lie about that.

Don't lie.

You made a face like, oh god, no, no, no, no.

My face was like,

well, of course.

Of course, you will be.

Anyways,

no, I do.

I want to look great and feel great and be great.

That's not true.

Do you want to be great?

No.

You don't?

Wait, do I?

I don't think.

I haven't thought about that.

Be great?

I don't even know what that means.

I want to do good work and be a good person.

Do you want to be the best you?

Yes.

But, oh man, watch out, world.

Hey, we might be getting somewhere.

Mm-hmm.

What is the best you?

I mean, when you think about that, what is it?

It's like one inch away from.

Okay, my fear is that the best me is like

just a hair's width away from like being like Ellen DeGeneres

or someone like that.

In what sense?

Like

maximizing what everything Jane has like if I maximized my potential

but Ellen okay so Ellen is known for being like mean right I'm saying I'm a heroine I'm not saying I am mean I'm saying oh you so you're saying I'm afraid of my own power

that part of Ellen is part of I'm afraid of my own power

I'm not afraid that like I would become Mussolini or something.

I'm just afraid that if I start buying into what Gwyneth and Ellen and Rachel Hollis are into, that I'll become like them, out of touch, and drinking $25 smoothies and trying to guru people myself.

Just gross.

I won't be bad.

I won't be a bad person, but I feel like

you know what I mean?

I don't want to become

like you would become an entity.

Yeah.

Okay.

Like I would.

I feel like if I reached my potential,

that my potential would be

are there different ways that you could use your potential?

I mean, do you have to be like

the leader of an empire or the figurehead of an empire?

See, that's what I'm saying is I don't know.

I'm sure I don't have to do something like that, but just give me a workout routine and we'll see what happens.

Yeah, I know.

That's the thing.

See, this is the problem.

This is the problem with self-improvement.

Honestly, like with self-help,

like becoming your true self.

What if it's not cool?

What if it's not good?

What if it's bad?

So Dan obviously asks a lot of great questions.

And one of the things I've always liked about him is that even after he has the answers, he does not tell me what to do.

And if he did, it would probably be something like, you should smoke some grass, dude.

No, to get out of this thicket of absolute mind fuckery, I need a guide, an objective guide, someone who isn't trying to heal my childhood trauma or help me communicate what I'm thinking.

I've got that covered, but instead, someone who will just give me action steps, a schedule, a game plan.

I need a coach.

We googled best life coaches in LA and got to clicking all over the web.

But first, let's get something out of the way here.

So I feel like in the last season,

we were looking at

wellness techniques that we knew there's not a lot of science backing this stuff up, right?

And that's why I want to differentiate because this isn't something where we're just saying, like, no, this can't work.

We really want to find out what that experience is like, or

specifically you.

Yeah.

Okay.

So it isn't that sort of thing.

We aren't here to just sit here and go, like, this is a goofy website or something like that.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, exactly.

So I just want to, you know, that's a.

If any of these promises can be made made true,

I'm into it.

I hope the life coach isn't like

the problem is your life.

Welcome back to the dream and my search for a unicorn life coach.

For some reason, I can't stop talking about weed today.

But there's something else I want to say about weed right now that relates to shopping for life coaches.

You know how weed, like even after it was legalized and accepted by people and the cops sort of, it still goes by names like Girl Scout Cookies and Purple Haze and Luke Skywalker or whatever, don't ask me how I know.

And it's like, grow up, weed.

That kind of jaunty branding really turns me off and it's rampant in the coaching world.

And it makes it hard for this actual sincere hunt I'm on because, like I said, my natural snargometer gets in the way.

For example, there's this one guy here, Dan Mendelo, who claims to be Yelp's number one life coach in LA.

He looks like,

what does he look like?

Like a guy who would be on a home makeover show on HGTV

or

like a

broy friend of a startup CEO.

He has a couple tattoos.

He probably, you know, wears bracelets, the beaded kind.

He's the kind of guy that I am personally face blind to, so I'm having a really hard time describing him, but I think you get the drift.

He wears Henleys, you know, those shirts with the button, the three buttons?

That guy, that guy, but with the tattoos.

His website is really slick and full of swear words, very Gwynethy.

The tagline on his website, when you first click it, says, get the confidence, clarity, and magnetic energy to take your business and relationships from stuck to, oh my fucking God, yes.

Which sounds great to me.

Oh,

sounds brutal

because it's like ready to call in your holy shit.

Is this real life?

Oh, let's just watch the video.

What's up, legend?

No, I'm Dan Mendel.

Here's the problem.

We're in LA, so it's gonna be a lot of that, probably.

Of course, yeah, or someone will find out you're a mom and call you mama.

Oh, you know, it would be the very worst if they called me badass.

Are you done with this guy?

I'm done with this guy.

Yeah,

the ancient wisdom and the WhatsApp legend I can't do.

Yeah.

So, okay.

This one was also on the list.

He's like a salt and pepper gray guy with...

He's like Jon Stewart.

Yeah, kind of.

Or like a mix between Frank Zappa and Jon Stewart.

Mm-hmm.

He's a hypnotherapist.

Oh, he does NLP neuro-linguistic programming, which I don't think is a real thing.

I mean, it's a real thing in that people, like, claim that they know that they're educated in it, but it's a pseudoscience, right?

I mean, isn't it normally associated with cult and manipulation?

Yeah, that's what I was going to say, yeah.

But I see it a lot in the life coaching world,

like a positive twist on neuro-linguistic programming.

I bet.

I don't, I always want to say processing because it doesn't sound so cult-y, but it's programming.

On the off chance you've ever heard of NLP, neuro-linguistic programming, it's probably from one of those documentaries about Nexium, the MLM/slash cult that branded people and then starved them and then made them play volleyball all night with this guy called Keith Ranieri.

You know who I'm talking about.

And if you don't,

awesome.

Keith Ranieri loved NLP, and so do a lot of life coaches, apparently.

Ones who aren't abusing people.

But it's like creepy by association to me.

I don't want someone to whoa.

I don't want someone to

now this woman I did look into a little bit.

She's got tons of filters on her photograph.

I wasn't 100%

sure.

She looks like a

real person.

So she is a therapist.

And then she has like.

customizable life coaching services checking in accountability offering encouragement keeping keeping you motivated, like all of that stuff.

Great.

But if you scroll further, she's affiliated with some people and groups who have like

kind of backwards views on autism.

You know, like

not necessarily like outwardly anti-vax, but talks about the connection and the unproven cures for autism, if you know what I mean.

I just don't want to go there, so that's a no.

This one, I really liked her until I got to the very bottom of the page,

which is

becoming a thread here.

I would say that they're burying the lead.

I would think that this opening picture would bother you.

Well, it says sessions like in-session transformational mindset coaching,

plural sessions of 60 minutes, right?

What's causing burnout, uncertainty, a lack of fulfillment.

I love all that.

Yeah.

Micro-dosing.

That's where they

do me.

I know.

But I I mean, micro-dosing can be, can be helpful.

Yeah, I just don't know if that's right for me.

I don't know if she's right for me.

I don't want it to come up.

I don't want it to be like, Jane, you've done really well this first month.

What I think is really going to get you to the next level is eating mushrooms.

And then I'll have to be like, well, that was just a waste

because I can't trip ever again in my life.

Like the minute I start to feel different and weird, I'll have a panic attack.

The transformational power of drugs is like something

that it will not, that doesn't doesn't fly.

No.

No.

I mean, I've done a lot of drugs and I know that they can be really fun.

But when I'm thinking something really profound while I'm on like acid or something, I know that I'm being stupid.

If I get really high on weed and I have some brilliant thought, I know, like in the instant that I have it, I'm like, that is just a high thought.

You're being totally stupid, but enjoy it.

You know, like laugh all you want, but when you get out of this high, you're going to realize that nothing actually happened.

You were just high for a minute.

But discovering something about the universe.

Uh-uh.

And oh, and that's the other thing.

If I don't want to, it's going to be bad.

You just have to go into it with the right attitude.

And it's like, no, if the drug works, I don't even, my attitude shouldn't matter.

It should just work.

Looking through all these potential coaches and picking on them and being a complete asshole is definitely helping me find out what I want by checking off what I absolutely do not want.

It's narrowing the field.

I'm hoping by like episode eight,

I will sound different in the way I'm talking about this stuff.

I love that.

I like hope that I genuinely feel enough different

and better that I will sound different,

which makes me mad at myself.

Why?

Because my life is lovely.

Why do I feel like it could be so much better?

You know, like that's why can't I just be cool with where it is?

Is part of that just getting old a little bit?

I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't know.

The other day, I had to get out of my house for an hour because they were doing some construction thing, and I couldn't figure out where to go.

And that felt very unlike me or unlike the me I want to be.

It sounds like depression.

Yeah, I'm depressed.

Yeah.

You're also overwhelmed.

Constantly.

Yeah.

In the past, I would have been like cha-ching and gone to the art store and not even bought anything, just wandered around the art supply store.

There's a word I learned a long time ago, not in therapy, but at the psychiatrist's office when they were trying to figure out just how depressed I was.

And it's called anhedonia.

You know, hedonism, that's the root word, is all about pursuing pleasure at all costs.

Well, anhedonia, anhedonism, is where you can't find pleasure in anything.

Food is boring.

No TV shows are good.

Clothes are stupid and uncomfortable.

And showering is for losers.

Friends?

What friends?

That whole thing.

I'm going to throw all of that at a coach and see if they can snap me out of it.

Is it.

Is it about.

yeah, I guess that's interesting to me because there's an expectation that you have for yourself and

you're pretty hard on yourself, in my experience, when you don't live up to the expectations that you set for yourself.

So it's going to be curious to see which side of that.

Is it meeting the expectations or is it lowering the expectations?

Or understanding that those expectations aren't maybe as relevant to optimal Jane you might think.

Well, how would anybody be able to tell I'm optimal Jane, though, unless I meet those expectations?

Well, I think a lot of people already think of you as optimal Jane.

Optimal Jane being a concept.

Why are you do you mind?

I don't know.

No, I just feel like I'm in therapy right now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be peering in.

No, no, no.

It's okay.

I want to talk about this stuff.

I think the idea, though, is that we're looking for something positive.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

And I have high cholesterol.

And there's a bag of Doritos in front of me right now.

I know, but it is okay.

I mean, you know, like there's.

Of course, you have high cholesterol.

Your favorite food is from Taco Bell.

There's nothing wrong with that either.

But that goes with it.

Well, have you ever felt when did when's the closest you came to feeling like optimal, Jane?

Let's try and get

um

or have you ever had a chance to feel that way?

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Studies show immediate improvement in expression lines in just 10 minutes and a significant decrease in deep set wrinkles after eight weeks of use.

The liquid peptides advanced MP Face Serum not only reduces wrinkles, but also gives a filler-like effect, smoothing out your skin's appearance dramatically.

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Like when I first met you.

But I don't know if that was just like the oxytocin or something.

That I was deluded or something.

That I wasn't actually a good person or doing my best.

I just want to point out that your life is very different now.

I know I was thinking about today.

And like, I'm sorry, I'm just crying so much.

Like, it's Tuesday, and Tuesdays we used to be able to go out.

Yeah.

Or just go to lunch and grab a a beer or something.

Yeah.

I picked up beer though.

There's some in the fridge.

Let's go get one.

Okay.

Sorry.

Don't be sorry.

So that's what we're doing this season.

I'm getting a life coach while simultaneously roasting all life coaches because I really do need help and some part of me really wants to believe this might be the magic bullet.

But a bigger part of me doesn't believe in magic.

Maybe that's my problem.

Spoiler, I do find someone to help me, and she can totally take the roasting.

Her name is Jessie, and I promise you that she is a person to believe in, even as I lay waste to all the coaches around me.

Jessie is fit and hot and not a super skinny white lady.

She's a good mom, a joy to be around.

Those things about her I really like.

But her company is called, okay.

I had to get past this.

Her company is called Supernatural Wellness.

Just one of those things about being in LA that I have to live with.

And she's into metaphysical stuff, which is just kind of like also unavoidable.

And so is working out, I guess, which she made me do the very first day we met up.

That's all coming up this season on The Dream.

And I also need you to connect to your soul, to your spirit, because listen to it.

It's going to tell you exactly what you need.

Me, just by looking at your blood work and looking at the way that you're eating,

I can tell that once we regulate all of this,

you're going to be so much better.

And then if you're inflamed in your body, can you imagine how you're inflamed in your brain?

I don't think it works like that scientifically.

When you say connect to your spirit, I'm like, I don't, again, this is not something I've ever spent time thinking like, you know?

So I'm going to listen.

Hey, just

listen.

Just amuse me.

Just believe it.

Just believe it.

I am.

I'm doing that.

Yeah.

Just believe it.

I just ended up having more questions than.

Oh my god, what are we doing now?

Are we still doing this?

No.

How much longer did we have to do?

Oh, we still have about 40 minutes, but.

The Dream is written, hosted, and executive produced by me, Jane Marie.

Our producer is Mike Richter, with help from Nancy Golambiski and Joy Sanford.

Our editor is Peter Clowney.

The Dream is a co-production of Little Everywhere and Pushkin Industries.

If you love this show, consider subscribing to Pushkin Plus, offering bonus content, exclusive binge opportunities, and ad-free listening across our network for just $6.99 a month.

Look for the Pushkin Plus channel on Apple Podcasts or at pushkin.fm.

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To find more Pushkin podcasts, listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your shows.

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Hey, dream listeners, it's finally here.

The dream plus, where you can get every single episode of our show with no ads.

It's $5 a month.

It's the only tier.

No commercials.

Plus, bonus content.

This helps keep us independent.

And your contribution will help change the way every listener hears the dream.

We'll be able to take out the ads that we don't even know are getting put into this show, which is annoying to both you and us.

We're also going to have an amazing discussion board.

The interface has it cataloged under AMA, Ask Me Anything.

But I don't love rules.

So what I did is started a bunch of threads like ask Dan and I questions, general chit chat, just to make friends and stuff.

And every time I've been in charge of a discussion board, I've made a tab called Women Be Shopping, and it's there.

And we're just going to talk about what we bought.

It'll be fun.

That's the dream.superci.com.

Supercast.

Please, please go subscribe.

It's five bucks.

It's less than a latte if you live in Los Angeles.

See you there.