FH Mini 118 – Getting to Know Stu

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This time, it's personal.

Hey, everyone, and welcome to a Flophouse Mini.

Of course, as you know, normally this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

But on the weeks in between those weeks, we just kind of do whatever in these Flophouse minis.

Now, for this one, Ellie couldn't be here.

What?

Has some important business on the moon or something.

I don't know.

I don't know what the, you know, he's got, I don't know,

some other funny thing.

Some other business on the moon.

Sampling cheese.

He could not be here.

So this is a rare occasion.

It's just the two of us.

Oh, wow.

Me, Dan McCoy, and you.

Stuart Wellington.

And

because we don't usually have this intimate one-on-one time.

That's true.

Yeah.

I thought, what better time to get to know my old friend stuart oh wow in a segment i call getting to know stu getting to know all about stew

because normally when we spend time together it's usually uh at a movie and we're not allowed to talk yeah or it's afterwards where we're mostly talking about the movie we saw that's true yeah yeah describing a lot of male friendships here uh

it's funny though because this it's it's funny you bring up movies because this is primarily a movie podcast.

That's true.

Although I'm getting to know you with some questions,

all the questions I'm going to ask you today actually are famous movie quotes that are questions.

Wow, okay.

A little extra wrinkle.

So to begin in this

getting to know you segment.

Getting to know Stu segment.

Yeah.

Going to get to know Stu.

Stuart,

you talking to me?

You talking to me?

Yeah, I mean, there's no one else here, so I must be talking to you again.

There's two microphones, one for each of us.

Yeah, yep, that's who I'm talking to.

I'm talking to Dan McCoy, everybody.

Thank you.

And you, the listeners.

For identifying me.

Second question I'd like to ask you.

What's up, Doc?

I mean, I've been thinking about that a lot, Dan.

What's up, Doc?

The thing is that it's weird because

I don't think I've ever asked an actual doctor that question.

And I feel like that's the sort of thing that like

they probably get asked all the time.

Like everybody, like whenever the doctor comes into the waiting room or the examination room, how many dads are like, what's up, doc?

Yeah.

I mean, certainly if a dad has a child who becomes a doctor, that's a gold mine.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I mean, not only do they get all the bragging rights at their, I don't know, fantasy baseball league league

game.

Yep.

A lot of.

These are elderly parents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of, what, baby boomer parents are

playing Canasta

until their hearts collapse under a weight of,

I don't know, red meat.

a lifetime of cognac and red meat consumption.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I'm not sure we got an answer to what's up, Doc, but we can

move along.

Okay, well, I got another question for you, Stuart.

Uh-huh.

Why so serious?

I mean, that's a good question.

I mean, Dan,

have you been paying attention to the news lately?

I've actually

not to.

Yeah, that's arguably the healthier option right now.

Shutting down.

I would also say

part of the reason why I'm so serious is because I'm the eldest of two sons.

I'm the more responsible of two brothers.

I was a soccer goalkeeper.

That was the position, and I played a fairly high level up until college.

You're saying that's a position of responsibility.

It's a position of responsibility because I am responsible if the other team scores, no matter what, I still feel like it was my fault.

Yeah.

So to give you,

so I've always been one to volunteer and take responsibility for things and then feel bad about things.

So So, you think you've internalized that sort of soccer goalkeeper mentality over the years?

Like, it's almost like life is life is the ball, and I'm trying to keep life from.

Wait, no, let me change that.

Something bad is the ball, and life is the net, the goal.

I'm not sure about that because I heard that life is like a box of chocolates.

And I think it can be two things.

Is that one of your later questions, or is that just

a quotable?

It's not a quotable.

I've noted it, and I quoted it yeah uh okay well that's that's good to know here's here's a here's an actual incisive question here

if you work for a living why do you kill yourself working

oh man what movie is that from that's from the good the bad and the ugly oh that's i assumed it was like empire records or some

oh uh so you work for a living why do you kill yourself working i mean that's you work for a living why do you kill yourself working oh i think the emphasis really helped on that one uh thank you and the facial expression i would say uh for me

me stewart why if i work for a living the thing is is that i am in the rarefied position to uh get to do kind of the job that i want and be my own boss which not a lot of people are lucky enough to do um and so

At least if I'm killing myself working, I'm like working, doing a job that I like or jobs that I like for the most part.

And it's and it's for myself.

So at least like, I don't know, like I'm not working to enrich someone else.

Yeah.

And now I don't want to depress anyone.

You know, this is,

admittedly, it's a good idea, this premise, but it can get a little thin.

So I will ask a few follow-up questions that are not.

That are not actually movie questions.

I mean, if they, if all your follow-up questions were movie quotes, I would be fucking very impressed.

Uh,

yeah, do you find do you like that you do a thing that you, I mean, like, obviously, it's better to do a thing that you enjoy than to not do a thing you enjoyed.

But on the other hand, I have found that one problem with doing something you love is you slowly stop loving the thing that you're doing.

That's because it's work.

I mean, that's a good point.

Like, I try to keep a couple of things, a couple of my hobbies, somewhat separate.

Um,

but the

big,

the, the big thing is that I know that no matter what, I have a tendency to take the job I have seriously.

And I would,

as I said before, I am likely to volunteer for responsibility and that with that responsibility comes like taking your work home with you.

And I feel like if it wasn't, if I was doing something that I didn't like, I would be taking a shitty thing home with me.

Yeah.

And I would be stressed out about it all the time

for no good reason.

At least when I'm stressed out about things, I can be like, well, I'm stressed out for a good reason.

No, it's true.

Of the choices, it's better.

I think

there's part of me that the longer I do stuff like this, I forget how miserable I was doing other stuff.

And I romanticize the idea of like, well, what if I had a job I didn't have to care about?

Yeah, I mean, I think that's the thing, right?

Like, it's similar to like the.

Like thinking back, like, oh, man,

I wish I could go back to a time where I had more time to like hang out with my buddies and play role-playing games all night.

But the thing is that I didn't have any responsibilities then, and I like having those.

I like having things, I like having people to rely on me.

I like having, you know, I like feeling like I'm supporting people and that I'm helping people.

Yeah, so that's,

and that's the thing is, Dan, we do make jokes about the fact that you won't enjoy a job that you hate and you also won't, you'll be sad when you get a job you love.

Yeah.

Here's a question for you.

And maybe this doesn't apply, but

that's a subtitle for this whole episode.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe this doesn't apply, but

have you checked the children?

I mean,

I,

you know, I'm pretty hip, although I feel like I'm reaching the stage where I don't,

by check the children, you mean, am I staying up with the younger generation?

Let's say that because, you know, there's no children.

As a man with no children and no intention to breed or bring children into this dying planet,

not to get too heavy.

But

the younger generation, I mean, I was a little bit,

this recent election was a little bit of a wake-up call.

I didn't quite realize how generally conservative

or how that there is a conservative streak amongst the younger generation.

I feel like

there's a lot of media out there designed to radicalize people, I think.

I think you're right.

You're correct.

I'm not trying to,

I think there's, I think I had this like weird optimism that like everybody younger than me is going to be like pushing, trying to push for a better world as opposed to not.

But

have I, I don't know.

I

think more and more I

hear music and I'm I'm like, who the fuck is this?

Why am I supposed to know who this famous person is?

Why is this person famous?

I was going to bring this up because I thought it was very funny recently, like the degree to which you seemed angry,

not at the person at all, but like angry at the world of like, wait, am I supposed to know who Chappell Roan is?

Like, and the thing is, like, as Audrey and I told you, like, she became famous extremely fast.

She like became famous literally within the course of her tour and then had to, you know, had problems dealing with it that I respect.

You know, like, it was like, but it was very funny to me.

I'm like, well, oh, oh, oh,

Stuart's hitting it.

I'm hitting the old wall.

The part of it is, I think part of it is that a lot of the time, like, it's because a lot of the way that I encounter these things, a lot of the way that the information gets to me is through a platform like Twitter.

So I'm, I'm, I'm seeing the like stand culture.

And there's a,

I feel like there's a disconnect in my brain because all of a sudden, the only thing I'm hearing about about a person are people who are huge, like wild fans of them.

And I'm like, oh, wow, this is, this must be something, this must be like a cultural force that I could never even comprehend.

And then when I experience them, I'm like, oh yeah, that's, it's a pop star.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Like,

I'm no real critical complaint here.

I'm just like, and yeah,

a lot of times it feels like it's things that are, are happening very fast.

Also, or like, I just saw the ad for like the Country Music Awards, and I'm just hearing names, and I'm like, I've heard of none of these people.

No, that's

it's it's it's almost like a fucking bit for me at this point where I'm like, and that's not a critique of them.

It's a critique.

I'm like,

wow, I've heard none of these names.

This all, this, these all could be made up.

This all could be a joke.

I mean, like this is this is sort of topical to the month we're recording in November, but it's

it's a fun thing that I think happens for me every year with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, where I'm like,

when they list the names up top, I'm like, okay.

I mean, do I not know these because they're like so new and hot, or do I not know these because these are the people that the weird grab bag of people that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade gets?

Like some of whom it's Snoopy, Dan.

You know who Snoopy is.

Oh, you mean Joe Cool?

Whoa, they let Joe Cool be in the parade?

I know.

Let's see.

Okay.

Well, here's a question for you.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shoot.

What's the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?

Oh,

that's actually, man, that's actually a question I'm going to have to look at.

I feel like I don't keep records.

I do.

Yeah, yeah.

I have a whole binder.

I'm trying to think if I.

I've never been much of a gambler.

Have you been a gambler?

Do you?

No, I find it

stressful and upsetting the idea of

doing.

I mean, like, I,

if I if I did win I know that like I would probably then become

you know too into it and lose more than I want like the only gambling I've ever done is like there have been a couple of times I've been to Vegas and I did what like people said which is like

set aside like this is a certain amount that you are absolutely willing to lose and you know that it's just a tax you're paying to the idea of doing some gambling while you're in Vegas and then stop and let you know it's not yeah but what about uh what those NFTs you invested in?

Well, those, Stuart, that's not a, that's not a gamble.

Those are just a piece of money.

Yeah, and you're more of an art collector.

Yeah, I feel like I,

when it comes to, I feel, first off, I have to say, like, of all the addictions out there, I feel like for some reason, I find like gambling addictions to be the worst.

Well, I mean, it's, it's certainly one of the quicker ways to ruin your life.

I mean, like, alcoholism obviously is bad, but, you know, it'll take a while, you know, whereas gambling

very quickly.

I don't, yeah, it's not one that I've like, there's like upsides to other addictions that I don't quite understand with gambling.

Yeah, I mean, I guess maybe I just haven't gotten the rush, you know?

Yeah.

Um, when it comes to gambling, I, I like, uh, I like the activity-based stuff, but I'm not a,

I wouldn't, I don't know if like, I wouldn't, I'm not a, like a card, not really a card player

unless it's got like fantasy characters on the cards.

Um, I'm not a slot machine person.

I like craps because it's like an activity where like everybody's standing around the table, like shouting.

Uh, well, you probably wouldn't bet on a coin toss because it lacks a certain verve as a game.

That's true.

Again, like unless those coins like look really cool where there's like they have like characters involved, yeah.

But that's like a JoJo's Bizarre Adventure type character.

Well, here's a good question for you, Stuart.

Let's really dig into it.

Fire away.

Let's dig into the deep stuff.

I want to ask you, who are you going to call?

I mean, on Sundays, I call my parents.

Setting up a weekly phone call with them has been very good for the structure of our relationship.

Outside of that, not a lot of people, I don't like to make phone calls.

I feel like that's,

do you remember like when I was what, like, a teenager up through what, like 20 or so, I, which is, I guess, a definition of a teenager i like i would call my friends all the fucking time yeah and now if one of my friends called me i'm like who died yeah other than my parents i would say that the last time i spent a long time on a phone call with anyone and i'm going to sound very old because i'm going to use the word courting

was when audrey and i were courting yeah like you know i was away during christmas back home we had just gotten together That was the last time there was an extended phone call to anyone who was not my folks, I think.

Yeah.

Unless you count like Zoom calls for the podcast, which

I don't.

I mean, I guess this podcast is kind of a phone call to all of you listeners.

Yeah.

I guess.

One side is it's more like you have like the wires have crossed and you're listening in on someone else's like a frequency situation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, here's a question for you.

And, you know, I'm a little concerned.

Sure.

What is your major malfunction, numb nuts?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's fair.

I mean, numb nuts, that's a classic put-down, and it's one that I, it's a title that I wear with a certain fatalistic pride.

You should keep your nuts really numb.

I keep them numb.

It's because my underpants are too constricting and it cuts off the circulation.

So what is my major malfunction?

Let's see.

I just like, I would say my major malfunction is that I just care too much.

Okay.

I mean, you've got the job, Stuart.

You're already my co-host.

You don't need to.

Okay.

Yeah.

That, yeah, I'm just like,

I just like, I take my work home with me.

It's too cool.

Yeah, I'm too cool.

Like, I'm too professional sometimes.

All right.

All right.

Well, maybe we'll revisit that in the future.

Just one more question before we take a brief break, of course, and that question is,

what's in the box?

What's in the box?

I would say hope.

Oh, the thing with feathers.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, we're going to take a little break for sponsors for some flop house business, and we'll be right back.

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Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

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Now.

Back to my intimate one-on-one with Stuart Wellington.

And we're back.

We're, of course, getting to know Stu.

That's me.

Getting to know all about Stu.

Still me.

With some movie-based questions.

Sure.

Some icebreakers, cold from the movies.

And here's a question.

This is

a real

Homicides, the Box episode.

Oh, that's what's in the box.

Yeah.

Okay.

Here's a question for you.

Judge me by my size, do you?

Oh, that's true.

I mean,

i don't think that's true dan i don't judge you by your size uh i uh i like i like your size okay i guess that's a judgment um

i uh

so no i would say no i don't uh and in fact i am disappointed that you would suggest that i would not even because i don't lift you don't judge Judge me by my size no not everyone not everyone lifts so it's not the life for everybody that's not it's lifting weights is an activity that I like.

It is a activity that also messes with my body dysmorphia because

as I

get bigger in the like chest and shoulders, shirts don't fit.

And I'm like, oh no, am I gaining weight?

Or when I had to change my style of pants because my thighs had gotten too big from squatting and deadlifting.

But, you know, so no, I don't, I don't judge people by their size.

Don't.

I mean, look, I know it's a psychological issue.

I can't just tell you not to do that.

Thank you.

But don't worry about it, man.

Here's a question.

Oh, wait, I just should not worry about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I fixed it right now.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

I've never considered it.

I could just stop worrying about it.

Look, it's an expression of concern and affection.

Here's a question for you.

And

there's a corollary question.

First off,

you want the truth?

Here's a corollary follow-up.

Do you think you can handle the truth?

Well, I think that's ultimately the thing.

I

can, I guess I,

you know what?

I think I can handle the truth and I sometimes avoid it because,

you know, it's.

It's not always easy to deal with

harsh realities sometimes, certainly these days.

But

I feel like everyone can kind of handle the truth despite that.

I feel like as much as we might want to avoid it or certainly might want to soften things when talking to somebody,

I think we have a tendency to underestimate people's ability to handle difficult information.

They can handle it.

I would say that people are

built a lot of the times, unfortunately, to try and avoid the truth.

Yeah.

But I think that here's here's a here's a bit of vaguely Eastern philosophy.

Sure, okay.

Drop you learn this at yoga.

I think pain is caused by struggle.

I think it's better to accept the truth, to steer into the truth, than to try and push it away because it's all, it's going to cause more trouble.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Here's a question.

Okay.

What?

Oh, man.

I got the Quizzler on my ass.

Here's a question.

What is it that gives me joy?

What is it that gives you joy?

I would say

some routine.

I would say

space to practice things that you are good at.

I would say

people

who support you and make an effort to show you that you're meaningful to them.

Yeah,

uh, I think that's a good start.

Stuart,

this is uh, a really dumb, thin idea that I came up with, and yet, like, you're gonna make me cry.

You know what?

That's pretty pretty incisive.

Did a good job.

Oh, bless you.

Uh, here's a question:

Who's the fairest one of all?

Uh, I mean,

uh,

yeah, I mean,

it's probably me.

Oh, wow.

I mean I'm the one with the most in-depth skincare routine, I think.

Sure.

And

I have,

you know, that's

and you know, I spend a lot of money on my hair.

I, you know, I'm staring at this question.

I'm like thinking about the like

the upsetting sort of racial implications of Snow White.

Yes.

Yes.

Snow White, and she's the fairest one of all.

She's not the prettiest one of all.

Yeah.

It is the fairness of her skin.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

It's upsetting.

Yeah, and my skin is fair because I

sleep during the day and go out at night as a bartender.

And what's fair is foul and foul is fair.

Wow, you got me there, Dan.

Finally got me.

This ain't your old school.

Okay, lock me up.

Here's an important question.

And you know, yeah, you know, it's important because it starts

Archie's rubbing his face all over your empty kind bar wrap.

Yeah, he's like, eight grams of protein.

I'll be the judge of that.

You know, this is an important question because it starts with a plea to ask yourself a question.

Yep.

Do I feel lucky?

Well, do you punk?

Well, I mean, I don't like being called a punk.

Do I feel lucky?

I mean, yeah, I do feel lucky.

You know, I have

a lot of people in my life that love me and I feel supported and I get to do the job that I like to do.

And I am lucky enough to have an audience,

some of whom have already turned off this episode, but that's fine.

They're LA fans.

They're LA fans, yeah.

They're like, I want to hear movies.

I don't want to hear this guy talk about his life.

But yeah, I feel lucky.

And you know what?

I can handle being called a punk now and then.

All right.

So here's the next one is,

could

you describe the ruckus, sir?

Yeah, I mean, let's see.

How would I describe it?

How would you describe it?

How would I describe the ruckus?

Well,

there would be hooting and hollering, of course.

There would be

pots clanging.

There would be

glass breaking, maybe chains rattling.

Ooh, spooky.

Floorboards creaking.

Let's see.

How else would I describe it?

Wind whistling.

Are you sure this isn't just a Halloween sound effects LP?

You're describing?

A witch cackling.

Okay.

Bubbling brew.

Oh, yeah.

Bubbling.

That's the craziest, scary sound.

Ooh, what's cooking?

Is it me?

My fucking tea's ready.

This question is sort of a biological sort of query.

Okay, yeah.

Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?

That's actually a really good question.

What happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?

I'd imagine something very unique and different than when something else gets struck by lightning, but I don't...

remember the exact answer.

Maybe we'll have to turn on, what is that, X-Men?

I have to ask Storm for that one.

X-Men.

You know, I read that apparently that was supposed to be, among other things,

like that, like, there's, there's been some talk of, like, well, did she deliver it?

The best way for like that kind of thing.

But

among other things, apparently was supposed to be the end of a runner of like

Toad was supposed to say a bunch of stuff, like, you know what happens when a toad does this?

And then that was like the punchline.

And then all the setups got cut.

No, that's too bad.

Was Ray, what is it, Ray Park?

Ray Park.

I don't think he has any lines in that movie, huh?

Maybe.

I can't remember that.

I don't remember the first X-Men well.

I don't think I've seen it.

They didn't get some people there from Witz to dub in all the lines.

Here's a question that's actually, you know, this is sort of interesting because it's.

Wait, where did you hear that news?

Is there like an X-Men newsletter?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have a Google alert for Toad and Lightning.

No, you know, in the course of the.

Was that like one of those like grocery store aisle, like memorial issue, X-Men, the movie, all the facts.

I do not speak to the veracity or the opposite of this factoid.

Like, this, this is a factoid in the original sense of the word, which is a fact that may or may not be true.

Like,

uh, yeah, listeners, right in.

Tell us if this is true.

I, in the, in the course of looking around for questions for this episode, I came across that.

So,

um,

this question is actually uh interesting because it's phrased in the negative.

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

Are you

not entertained?

No, I'm enjoying this process.

I think this works.

Wait, I think that's.

Wait, am I, did I double negative it?

That's good because I am in taking you for Scientology.

This is the truth of Scientology.

Oh, that actually would, yeah, that would make sense.

That would be amazing.

Yeah.

I mean,

no, go back and,

yeah, go back and change all those.

Okay, so you are entertained.

That's good to.

Yeah,

I'm into it.

Okay, well, I do have one final question before we close up

the old

movie question bag, and that is,

I'm funny.

How?

Funny like a clown.

I amuse you.

I make you laugh.

I'm here to fucking amuse you.

Yeah.

So I would say you're not funny like a clown.

Okay.

Certainly not in the traditional sense.

I haven't seen you do any Pratt Falls or any

mime.

You don't do a lot of sight gags.

No.

Although you can do some pretty solid reactions.

I mean, I think, Dan, you amuse me as

all the great straight men do.

You

set yourself up to be made fun of.

You get upset when people make, then make, call you out on things.

You have big reactions, which is why it's fun to get you wound up.

Um,

and uh, yeah, so that's what that's what amuses me, uh, that you, you have enough quirks that you are a genuine character, but uh, you, uh, you also seem like a somewhat serious guy, if that makes sense.

Yeah.

No, I appreciate the assessment.

It's good to hear something about strengths.

Uh, I mean, it's not necessarily like areas of improvement.

I don't need to hear that.

No, if you want, I can give you a shit sandwich.

I don't care to.

I gave

former hosts of the podcast,

this is Stuart setting himself up to get hate mail.

But years ago,

former host of the podcast, Simon Fisher, worked for me when I worked at a hobby store.

I was a much younger man back then.

And we had to do an employee review.

And we had to do a, you know, like

I was trained to do like a shit sandwich style review.

Like, and we were, he filled filled out his form and we were kind of going over it together.

And he was taking it very seriously, which I found to be incredibly funny.

And it was like, we talked about his strengths and he was a very good employee.

And then when it came to, I'm like, okay, so let's talk about areas of improvement.

And I could see him like racking his brain, like really thinking about it.

And I'm like, how about baldness?

Because he had been like losing his hair and nobody had said anything.

And I think I was the first person to make a joke about it.

And he got so offended.

I mean, it is inappropriate for a work relationship.

Yes.

I mean, we were friends before we were.

I mean, in no way am I defending myself.

I'm the villain in this story, but it was very to this day.

I'm still like, man, that was a good, that was a good mean joke I made.

It was so mean, in fact, that like friends from home called me up the next day to like lambast me for like making that joke,

which I deserved.

Well, I hope this has been an enjoyable episode for, I don't know, those of you out there who are like mean to Elliot on the internet for some reason.

But I hope that the people who love Elliot

forgave this episode.

I mean, and people, yeah, people who love Elliot, if anything, will listen to this episode and be like, yeah, yeah, that's why they have an Elliot.

Yeah, but in the meantime, we've, I think, gotten a lot of good data.

I'll feed this into the blockhouse computer.

AI algorithms just sucked all this up.

Eventually, we'll be able to simulate a Stewart.

Easy.

Be enjoyed for future generations.

But until that time comes,

I'd like to thank Alex Smith, our producer.

He goes by the name Howl Dotty on the internet.

He has his work cut out for him to maybe Zaz up this episode a little bit.

Yeah, he's going to do a lot of farts and zinger sound effects.

Yeah, some boyings.

He's in soundboard app.

And I'd like to thank our podcast network, Maximum Fun.

If you go to maximumfun.org, you can listen to a lot of great shows.

They have them there.

You can check them out.

If you like the show, you'll probably like something else.

Yeah.

You like podcasts.

And you like stuff.

Uh-huh.

But until next time, I've been Dan McCoy.

I've been Stuart Wellington.

Bye.

Bye.

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