Signed, Dr. Jackowitz (ENT S3E9)

1h 5m

Listen and follow along

Transcript

Here's to the finest crew in Starlink.

When it comes to my crew, you won't get any argument from me.

This is a parody.

Paramount owns the song.

Welcome to the Greatest Generation.

It's a Star Trek podcast by a couple of guys just a little bit embarrassed about having a Star Trek podcast.

I'm Adam Pranica.

And Ben Harrison, maybe more embarrassed today

than ever.

You've got nothing to be embarrassed about, Ben.

Why would you be embarrassed today?

I feel like I'm having one of those dreams where I showed up to class naked and nobody else did.

I thought we were doing a naked episode or a shirt or an Undie Pants episode.

You're referring to the square that we hit at the end of the last episode.

Yeah.

Square 69

being the decontamination chamber episode, which which says we've got to record in underpants.

Right.

Oh, yeah.

I thought that meant after the Marin.

I thought the show.

Wow.

I thought there would be like an over-the-top of the head disrobing

kind of move.

Like for Showstart.

I consider the Marin to be part of the show.

God, you know what?

Now more than ever, with Marin taking an exit, I should honor him by getting shirtless.

I'm doing it right now.

I'm getting in my underwear.

Take it off.

Take it off.

Take it off.

Take it off.

Woo!

I've never seen purple underwear before, Calvin.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He spelt.

Feeling good.

What happened with Maron?

He's taking an exit.

He's leaving.

How did you not hear about the biggest news in podcasting?

I don't know.

Getting my head up above water at all is a challenge these days.

Mark Marin heard that we named a a segment after him on his show, and he said, that's it.

I'm backing it up.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

After, I mean, I listened to his announcement, and he made it seem like after a certain amount of years doing podcasts, you just get burnt out and you don't want to do it anymore.

I don't know what he's talking about.

That's nuts.

That's weird.

I mean, I guess he's like kind of a big-time movie actor now.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's doing a lot of other things.

Maybe that's the difference.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Remember that time we saw him at the airport?

Yeah, at the Sky Club.

He was great.

Anyway, RSVPWTF.

Another podcast we have vanquished.

Yeah, finally.

Doing bits like these, Ben.

Yeah.

I don't think he ever did a shirtless and pantsless show.

Cowardly.

He never did a decontamination chamber show the way we're doing right now.

Are you drinking a booze for this?

What's happening?

No.

Just to like, for the audio only folks, you're seeing a lot of flesh

on the video feed, and you're seeing maybe a temporary tattoo on Ben's chest where a com badge would be.

No, that's a permanent.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got

a combadge permanently tatted on the chest.

You should get that touched up.

DS9 style.

Well, I mean, you have to, right?

Because I was like, as I age and sag, the shape of it will inevitably change.

It doesn't look as good as when I got it 10 years ago, obviously, but it's going to look like a blobby combatch.

Yeah.

You're also drinking on the episode today, Ben?

What do you have in the glass?

It's just a seltzer with.

I put a splash of cranberry juice in it to liven it up a little bit.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe take care of a UTI situation.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Clean out the ducts.

Gotta do that.

Yeah.

I mean, this recording experience feels like a medical exam in many ways.

it does it does keep those ducks clear yeah i wasn't even going to bring this up on the show but you made me think of it i've i've been um in the process of getting things together to get a vasectomy now that we have all of these children and want to know more wow lock the gate lock the gates on these fuckheads

gonna go in and formally get my penis removed but um One of the things that they tell you, there's lots of paperwork involved in, you know, electing to get sterilized.

And one of the things they tell you is like, you are not considered sterile until 12 weeks after the procedure.

And we like do a test.

We do a test at six weeks and we do a test at 12 weeks.

And in that time, in that 12-week span, we want you to ejaculate 40 to 50 times.

I can write your wife a note if you need me to.

Oh my God, you're getting a doctor's note to jack it?

I mean, I thought that the implication of I Can Write Your Wife a Note was that she was going to be like roped into the project somehow.

Oh, no.

Yeah, which I was like,

she would hate that.

I'm not going to

make her participate in that.

Oh, wow.

So, so not only do you have homework, maybe the best kind of homework,

you have to go into a lab and rope into a glass for the checkups.

I guess so, yeah.

I think so, which I've never done before.

I just have to say I hate talking to you about this while we're both shirtless.

I've never done this before, so they like provide a sample of that kindness of this.

Never, huh?

Weird thing to think about, but

yeah, it's coming right up.

It's hard enough to pee in a cup.

Can't imagine roping in one.

Hey, check back with us after that happens, Ben.

I want to hear all about it.

And I think FODs want to know more about this very important part of men's health yeah i went in imagining that my doctor would be a very like nebishy like quiet person and this guy like i can tell wears his baseball cap backwards on the weekends like like a fitted baseball cap backwards type of bro is what when your specialty is dick and balls i think i kind of prefer if you're cool i yeah like this this guy was not what I pictured

and he's like so why are you doing it?

And I was like, you know, like, we have two kids and that's enough.

Because it sounds fucking fun.

Why are you a doctor of dicks and balls?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where do you get off asking all these questions?

Yeah.

It's intense, man.

The forms that they make you sign are like, oh man, some people have done this not understanding what they were doing before based on how intense this form is.

So I don't want to bury this lead.

Yeah.

You get a prescription for whacking it, like on a pad of paper signed by a doctor?

I think so, yeah.

You got to frame that.

Got to put it in your studio, bed.

Yeah, but, anyways, I'll be clearing out the ducts in all kinds of ways.

I'd prescribe 40 to 50 jack-offs

in the next two months.

Signed, Dr.

Jackowitz.

What an interesting life you live.

I'm excited by this.

Yeah.

Not in that way.

I mean, we are two shirtless men talking about dick procedure.

Yeah.

Very strange world.

We're

also talking about a very strange episode of Star Trek, Adam.

Aren't we?

These seem to come up from time to time, Ben.

You're legally obligated to do a Wild West episode of Star Trek when you do a Star Trek show.

Yeah.

And here it sits.

It's season three, episode nine of Enterprise.

It's called North Star.

Gotta free a speech, and it's all

It's night, and we're in like an Old West town.

Some ombres ride into town, throw a rope over a tree branch.

They noose this guy right in the middle of town.

Pretty early bedtime for this town, I'd say, right?

Yeah.

And you got to imagine, if you're living in an old west-style environment, it probably doesn't take too much to wake you up.

The footfalls of some horses, three of them in this case.

A gun going off?

Yeah.

Aren't you going to look outside?

You're going to pull back the linen curtain that all structures in the old west have, you know?

Right.

They don't do that.

Nobody seems to give a rip that this guy gets noosed.

And he's thrashing around.

Like, there's something on his neck that i was looking at i was like is that loaf or does he just have like weird skin on his neck yeah i mean that's really gonna chafe when the rope cuts into it right right in a little bit i thought that's just gonna make the whole thing worse it made me wonder like is like does the makeup that they use to do loaf have like are there different grades of it some of which are designed to stand up under the friction of a hemp rope in a hanging scene.

I mean, I guess you probably don't have the rope actually that tight on the neck.

Not until you shoot the pistol and the horse goes a running.

Yeah.

This is a real, like, you know, the version of the firing squad where they make sure to give one person a blank?

Or is it the other way around?

Is it one person has a real bullet and the rest are blanks?

Whatever it is, it's like a system in place to give someone plausible deniability to the killing of another person.

This is that for hanging, right?

Because if you're just shooting a pistol in the air and a horse is taken off, you didn't kill anyone the guy just fell off his horse onto a rope

you can shoot your pistol and one horse will run and kill a guy or you can not shoot your pistol and a machine will slap the asses of five horses and those guys

that's a much funnier death in my mind yeah the word skag is thrown around here also a mysterious word at this point it was a mysterious word and i i was i was saying that about the loaf on the neck to say I didn't clock that this guy was an alien in this moment.

Not unless you were paying attention or going back to the beginning after watching this episode, I'd say.

Yeah.

So anyways,

we get through our opening credits and we come back and old boy is in a pine box.

He is dead.

Nobody heard that gunshot and came out and did the thing where you grab the legs and try to lift up.

He's gone.

And then the person who does that realizes that the pants are just soaked in piss and shit.

And you're like, oh, it's red on my cheek.

I regret this, even though it was

an act of altruism.

It backfired big time for me personally.

He's the sort of dead that can stand straight up in that box, too.

I think that makes it convenient for the mortician or whatever.

Sure.

Because when you're standing the boxes up like this, you're not taking a bunch of floor space up in your business.

And that's important when your job is burying a lot of bodies, which you got to be in an Old West scene.

Yeah.

Glenn Morshauer's here, and he's talking to a lady named Bethany.

And there's some discussion of like who's going to pay for this pine box, the guy that died, had no money.

Ben, does Glenn Morshauer sound like Dan Rather to you?

Oh.

He's got that.

It's not a full-on sibilance, but it's like a way that Dan Rather and Glenn Morshower sound, like, has that same kind of shh.

Yeah.

There's a to them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Self-defense or not, that's a hanging offense for a ske.

They got stormy sibilance, you know?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Fun to see Glenn Morshower in like a wig and a mustache.

Like a very different look for him.

He looks so great.

Fun to see him not playing a Secret Service agent.

I feel like that's pretty rare.

He has a different gear.

That gear is sheriff.

So they're talking about whether this was a just killing or not.

Feather's like, what are you talking about?

They did just kill him.

Yeah.

Like last night.

And this becomes a bit between her and the sheriff.

Right, but I'm talking about as injustice or whatever.

Yeah, just us.

It's just us talking about what happened last night.

He's just on ice as a.

You know, like this guy apparently killed someone and so like was going to stand trial and probably be hanged for it.

So why not cut out the middleman and just lynch him?

Is basically the argument that the sheriff makes.

And that's pretty horrifying.

We pull back to Archer and Tepal who are sneaking around in Western drag as though they are participating in Alexander Rozhenko's favorite holodeck program.

I was thinking about the scene that we don't get in this episode, which is like Enterprise in orbit studying this place from above, going like, are they really like wearing cowboy hats and shit and like vests and boots and stuff?

Because they'd be like looking through a telescope at the surface and be like, it kind of looks like they're roping dogies down there.

This is what I'm saying.

Like there is a hilarious scene where they're like, I mean,

I guess that's what we got to wear too, right?

And then there's the moment where like they put on the clothes before getting on the shuttle to go down, and they look at each other, they like point at each other and laugh.

Like, I think there's a good 10-minute scene in this episode that gets cut that is really fun.

Because the Enterprise NXO1 does not have replicators, so this is someone's vacation clothes that

they have to raid.

Yeah, either that or they've thoughtfully put a costume department in as one of the sections, you know, like

they can go get outfitted for a fun away mission like this.

The chef is also the tailor.

Chef's the best in Starfleet.

Very observant of you.

Anyways, this is fucking weird because TePaul is like, these guys are human.

How is this possible?

Like, how did they get here?

There's 6,000 humans and we find out that there's also 1,000 aliens, but there's no technology anywhere.

And rodeo clown Trip Tucker dressed like a rodeo clown because he doesn't know any better.

Like, it's just as Western as anything else in his mind.

Right.

He's there too, and they're like, these are orthodox old west folks.

Yeah.

Looks pretty authentic, Captain.

Right down in the spatoons and the hangings.

Everything is also very old.

Like, all the buildings have been around for a very long time.

And so Archer orders Tripp and TePaul to go check out this little berg of a thousand non-human aliens that is nearby.

And he's going to hang out in this part of town, see what he can see.

But he orders everyone, keep a low profile.

Like, we don't have any idea what they will think of us if they understand like who we are or where we're from.

There's an additional note that Reed gives them, which is like, you know, everything they built there is not like it came.

from anywhere else, like wagon wheels and bricks and so forth.

Like everything they built in this town comes from materials that naturally exist on the planet.

What an opportunity that would have been to have like a building made of whale blubber or

like some close enough but not quite

type Wild West stuff.

Like, I don't know.

These bricks were not manufactured out of

clay, but out of, I don't know, like dinosaur teeth or something.

Yeah, exactly.

As it is, it looks like a great facsimile of a Wild West place.

So, tripping to Paul Go to see a man about a horse, and this guy, classic used car salesman, he's trying to get 20 bucks for this horse.

They don't have 20 bucks, but interesting trades are considered.

He's doing that rental horse counter thing where he's like, oh, you're both going to be riding or just one of you?

Do you want to return it full of hay?

Or are you going to go grazing before you bring it back?

Otherwise, I mean, we could pay for the hay.

It's $2,000

if you want us to fill it up for you when you return.

Yeah, and you're like, suddenly, this $20 horse is seeming like much more expensive than

Yeah.

I mean, he does ask a lot of questions.

Their weird answers are sufficient enough for him to agree to the deal.

Our horses perished several miles north of your town from

heat exhaustion.

But look, $20 is a little steep, right?

Rodeo clown Trip Tucker does not have that kind of money, and he asks if maybe a harmonica

would work in trade.

I mean, this looks like it would be $20 today, this harmonica.

It's not one of those tiny front-pocket harmonicas that you see.

It's like a big honking

Bruce Willis band harmonica, you know?

If you had a vest with a hundred little pockets in it, you could not fit this harmonica in any of those pockets.

Predictably horse rental car counter guy is like, actually, I don't know if that's enough.

And then that's when rodeo clown Trip Tucker hands him a gun as collateral on top of that.

Yeah.

You get yourself a deal.

And he's like, we're not even going to keep the horse.

We're just going to take it for, you know, drive around the block and we'll be right back with it.

Fun scene outside where

Trip gets right on the back of the horse and helps Tepal onto it as well.

And then he says, Vamanos, Amigos.

And he throws the busted leather flint craw over the loose weave of the saddlecock.

And they rode on in the frisculating dusklight.

You can speak to us normally.

God, that uh feels like it's been written in a sort of out-of-date vernacular to my ear.

He's on drugs.

If we change the words,

then it's fair use all day long.

Meanwhile, in the bar, of course you go to the bar if you're archer, right?

Where else are you going to find the information?

You go into the bar.

Best case scenario, you're going to get in a bar fight with

that guy from Baywatch.

What do you think's more suspicious?

In movies and TV shows when the bartender asks what they can get you and the guy says, a beer?

Or when Archer basically says the equivalent of, I'm here to use the Wi-Fi and work on my laptop?

What are you doing, Archer?

I'm passing through town.

I was hoping I could sit in here for a while till it cools down.

Golf zone out.

Have a drink.

Like, act like a customer.

Yeah, but they don't have money.

Like, where are they going to get any?

You know, they have no way of getting currency.

They don't have any Ben Franklin glasses to sell.

I mean, it seems like they have an impossible supply of guns to barter with.

Where did they get the gun?

Where did they get the harmonica?

Was that in the prop closet next to the costume area of the NX01 Entrepreneur?

And this is when the episode falls apart.

Where do they get this stuff?

We needed to have an establishing scene in Sausalito at Archer's apartment where it was his birthday and everybody gave him old artifacts that he might be able to trade in the past for goods and services.

There is a conspicuous picture on the wall behind the bartender that looks a little bit like the bartender himself.

Archer's like, who's that guy?

Cooper Smith is that guy.

A guy famous for overthrowing the Skags.

Yeah, and the bartender claims to be the only direct descendant of this man.

Yeah.

We're learning a little bit when the lynchists from last night walk into the bar, and they

are led by Deputy Bennings, who is kind of rolling into this bar like a Wild West villain character, except for we find out a little later that he's the deputy.

Did you take him seriously because of the mad hatter hat?

There's something about the shape of his hat that

made him seem silly to me.

It's an unusual choice as Western wear hats go.

Holy shit, he looks so fucking stupid.

I bet this hat has a name.

Hmm.

Like this version of hat, I mean.

Yeah.

I don't know what the hell it is.

What the hell even is it?

Breathe.

It's a fedora with safari flaps in the back.

Are you gonna do like a reverse image search?

I'm sure not.

LOL, that is so sad.

Anyways, he sort of threateningly invites the back waiter to have a drink with them.

And the back waiter has some of this same loaf as the guy that got lynched.

And it's the kind of loaf that I think reads as like, is this like, are these boils?

Like, is this man sick?

Or is this like...

Yeah, like exposure to nuclear material type loaf to him.

Yeah, so like, I think that it's its place as a alien design that is a little little bit hard to tell what exactly it means early on does a lot of work in this episode because

you still don't really know what the deal is with the skags yet.

And we don't even know that this guy is a skag until it's like becoming a bone of contention between him and Deputy Bennings and him like challenging Bennings to shoot him.

It's a real power move from a bully, right?

This is one of those like, I'll even let you hit me first

type of fights between a bully and a nerd.

Yeah.

And that's just what the skag is, right?

He's just a nerd.

It's getting really intense.

It's kind of looking like Benning has found his next victim and Archer diffuses the situation a little bit.

Excuse me.

I think I can get some more coffee before you shoot him.

Sheriff Morshauer comes in and wants to know like what's going on.

And it's explained away a little bit.

Like, oh yeah, nobody was trying to, you know, kill anybody in here.

We're just having a friendly conversation.

Anyways, this newcomer seems to be poking his nose in everyone's business, and we're feeling pretty suspicious of him.

So Sheriff Morshauer tells Bennings, like, make sure that that guy gets out of town.

Like, I've noticed him too.

Like, let's, let's just keep an eye on him for now.

I love how transparently the dialogue is in response to something someone said in the writer's room about, like, so it's, it's hot here, right?

And we're in the old west?

Do you think it's weird that Archer orders hot coffee?

And everyone in the room is like, oh, fuck.

We are fucked.

This scene doesn't make sense at all.

And then they're like, well, what if we have Sheriff Morschauer kind of put it in dialogue that that's a little weird, right?

Then we can leave it in, but we call attention to it.

Like we know how weird that is.

We know how weird it is.

But then the writer's assistant is like, but why would they have a piping hot pot of coffee on in this room on a hot day in the first place?

And why would it be free?

Why would they not be charging for it?

Yeah.

And that's when the writer's assistant gets fired.

Yeah, RSVP, that writer's assistant.

So Trip and TePaul come to the Skag Village, which looks like a place that Zephyr Cochran would feel right at home.

Oh, yeah.

They're just a juke away from this being a pretty happening place.

Yeah.

It has a vessel that is either crashed or so disassembled that it looks like it crashed as like sort of the central building, and it crashed there 200 years ago.

We cut from tripping to Paul outside the alien compound, looking at it from a distance, to Archer meeting up with the teacher in town, and she's not thrilled to talk to him.

Yeah.

I'll ask you again.

What do you want?

Or tell him about the Scigarans.

Yes.

But when he mentions he's from the polar region, that doesn't seem to affect her either.

That doesn't have the impact that he thinks it will.

No, he seems very strange to her in that he has like no sense of who the Skaggs or the Skagarans could be.

And so she offers to introduce him to some.

And Bennings sees Archer and Bethany together as they ride out of town to go to the Skag village.

And when they meet up at Camp Skag, Archer and Drippin to Paul sees this like impoverished group of people living here and she's coming here to teach the children of this camp under cover of dark because we learn it's actually illegal to teach Skaggs things.

Tripp and DePaul have like been poking around and I guess nobody had any complaints about that because they've gone into the ship and gotten all the data modules out of there.

And Archer's like, awesome, why don't you go back to the entrepreneur and see what you can find out about those data modules and I'll hang out down here.

Yeah, maybe I'll audit a class or whatever.

That's something that people my age do for fun.

You know, starting to think about retirement, you know, after that old archer episode.

Yeah.

So class is in session and it's math and times tables that they're going over and it isn't long before they pivot to history.

for Archer's sake.

Yes.

And we get a little bit of the story of the humans and the Skagarans.

And the story goes like this.

The Scagarans took the humans from Earth to work for them.

And the humans resisted.

That is like just kind of dropping when Deputy Bennings barges into

the Skagarin village.

And Bethany is in a ton of trouble because she's illegally teaching Scagarans.

Archer is kind of guilty by affiliation.

This turns into kind of a big Star Trek fight.

And Bethany and Archer get arrested.

Yeah, there's a pretty big beatdown here that happens.

And back in town, Archer and the teacher have been thrown into a jail cell.

But little does anyone know, no cell can hold Captain Archer.

Yeah.

It's funny how that is not baked into this moment whatsoever.

Yeah, like little old-timey old west jailhouse.

Like, I fucking broke out of Rurapente.

Yeah.

Come at me, motherfuckers.

Yeah.

There's no gruel here.

There is no gruel.

There are no shackles bolted to the wall.

Yeah.

On the surface, most things can survive.

The lesson that was started in the previous scene, we get a little bit more of that here, this backstory to the humans and the Scagarans.

This,

you know, all that ship debris that we saw out there?

I mean, that's the ship that took the the humans to this planet.

And as soon as they landed, the humans revolted, led by the man in the painting at the saloon that you saw earlier, who is known as a folk hero to some people, but a butcher to the Skagarans.

And here's the thing.

They're talking a little bit around the idea of it, but it is clearly a humans stolen to work as slaves for the Sagigarin situation.

Yeah.

And it feels a little weird for this teacher to take the whole good people on both sides argument here between the slave drivers and the slaves during the revolt, you know, right?

Like the guy fighting back against his own enslavement took it a little far for my taste.

It's like,

I don't know.

Yeah, so ever since, it's so weird, right?

Like, there have been kind of an iciness between the Scigarans and the humans.

Humans made up a bunch of laws, not really fair to the Scigarans, just to hold them down, right?

Yeah.

Legally, it's just a fart joke.

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Friends of DeSoto, we survived Star Trek Las Vegas 2025.

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And boy, oh boy, do we have thoughts.

So many thoughts that we just had to record a very special bonus episode about our experiences with me and Ben, but also producer Wendy and our social media concigliary Bill.

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So if you want to know what STLV was really like, the bonus feed is how you find it.

By the way, this bonus episode, like all of our monthly bonus episodes, are available to everyone who supports the shows at maximumfund.org slash join.

It's easy to do, so go to maximumfund.org slash join to get our special episode about STLV 2025 and all the great episodes that we put out every month.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

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I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

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All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

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You will never take the greatest shit alive.

Ben would rather die.

Rather die.

So we get a scene where Sheriff Morshauer is getting shaved and has Archer kind of walked over in manacles to talk to him.

If you're the guy getting shaved in an old-timey Wild West straight razor kind of way,

you don't want to be given surprising news in any kind of meeting, right?

So what I'm thinking is this sheriff is expecting not to be surprised by anything Archer says.

He's like, it's not like this guy's like from another planet or anything.

Like, he's, you know, like, I basically have his number.

I will be still and unmoving as this extremely sharp blade is drawn over my throat.

You ever get a straight razor shave?

It's great.

There's nothing like a barber shave to make a man feel civilized.

I feel civilized enough.

But it is weird when something that lethal is being dragged around your face by somebody you never met before.

And then I don't have to shave for two weeks.

It's great.

So yeah, he pops a bottle of whiskey.

This is Scigaran whiskey, which technically is illegal, but

what with

all the things that go down in a barber shop?

I guess this guy's like a barber surgeon.

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, but I think that's kind of a

bit about Westerns, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I think that is a type of person.

This is

technically not allowed, but the sheriff looks the other way on this, and we can enjoy some of it.

And Archer's like, you know, as a Starfleet captain, I can't help but point out a great deal of injustice in your society.

And Sheriff Morshauer's like, yeah, but like, it's like pretty much fine, right?

They tried to enslave us.

And we un-enslaved ourselves, so it's fine now.

And Archer's like, yeah, but like, what about the kids?

They didn't do that.

And that's not really moving the needle for Sheriff Morshauer.

Bestany is in a lot of trouble.

She's gonna get locked up for a long, long time behind this teaching math to the kids thing.

This is why minimum sentencing guidelines can feel so unfair, you know?

10-year minimum for teaching the Skagarans.

Yeah.

Seems a little steep.

Who does.

But that's what the law is.

I'm not saying it's fair.

It's just the way it's always been.

When Archer's given an hour to clear out and get the fuck out of town, you know he's going to use that hour productively.

Yeah.

He's like, he's been telling this story about how he's heading down south to help

cattle ranch or something.

So there's like another polar region you can get to, like, if you go down the other way?

Oh, on the other side.

Wow.

Huh.

Okay.

Interesting.

Sheriff Morse like,

cancel all my meetings.

Taking the rest of the day off.

Mind if I go with you?

Once he's kind of out of earshot, Archer hails the ship to find out how decoding the data modules is going.

It's going okay.

And he says, like, I'm going to come back up like once my hour to get out of town is over.

But I got something I got to do before then.

And it turns out that that is break Bethany out of jail.

I get to see a man about punch in the face.

I was on my way out of town and realized I forgot something.

And that's what it takes, a punch to the face busts her out.

And

once he gets the keys, it's one of those things where you got to throw him in the jail and lock him in, right?

Yeah.

That's a good bit of business.

Deputy Bennings gets locked up.

And Archer and Bethany escape.

And that can't be that many places for her to go.

There's 6,000 humans on this planet.

Where is she going to go blend into the crowd?

I thought so, too.

This is just first step thinking.

He's not really thinking several steps ahead.

Yeah,

this is potentially making things so much worse for bethany yeah yeah what are the sentencing minimums for breaking out of jail yeah i don't know anyways uh sheriff morshauer finds bennings almost immediately like so immediately that she and archer haven't even like blown out of town on their horse-drawn buggy by the time bennings and the sheriff are like out in the town square.

Guns come out, sheriff's deputy starts shooting, and Bethany is the one that gets hit.

I was very surprised by this.

You never see this.

She goes down and when Archer stops to

rescue her, he gets them transported up to the ship in plain view of all of the townsfolk.

Did anyone see you transport?

I didn't exactly have time to find a secluded spot.

I guess the cat is out of the bag that something pretty strange is going on with this Archer character.

Archer and the teacher materialize on Enterprise, conjoined in a twisted pile of meat like screaming drooling meat yeah one mouth says kill and the other mouth says me

yeah yeah

and they're like oh they think they're one thing oh

phox does the uh bullet extraction operation And Archer is there in Six Bay watching and talking to TePaul.

I mean, he's got a watch, right?

They've changed her out of old West garb into something far more revealing.

So

just two dinner napkins then?

Teach?

That'll do.

Should we pull this one down a little bit lower to

just over the top of her crotch?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, we're learning about Bethany's biology from Flox in real time.

He's like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's not just what you can see outside the napkin.

There's actually more going on underneath.

Dr.

Flox is like, you know, Captain, we've learned quite a bit about her physiology.

And Arch is like, you don't say.

Give me a minute.

Give me a minute to luxuriate over this one.

He draws one of the curtains in front of himself.

Yeah.

Give me a minute to think about it.

I got to do this 40 to 50 times this season.

They prop her up behind a a table in front of a giant book, and Dr.

Flox asks her to turn to the next page, and it says, oh my God,

she's a quarter Scagarin?

What?

Crazy.

No wonder she was so sympathetic to the plight of the enslavers.

This might be a really idiotic question.

Is it made clear that she knows this about herself?

Never did I notice anything in the episode.

I thought she didn't know.

I just presumed that.

And at the end of the episode, I was like, are they going to tell her?

Or ask if she knew the whole time?

Like, it's not going to be addressed?

Like, not allowed to do that.

It's funny because Tapal says something about, like, I can't believe she didn't tell you about her background.

And

like, I don't know.

Like, Tapal, do you just like walk up to everyone and ask what their ethnicity is?

Yeah.

Hey, Tapal, you can't just walk up to the teacher and ask to touch her hair.

So back down on the planet, Debbie Bennings is of a fairly conspiratorial mindset and believes that Archer must be in league with the Skags in some sort of like plot to retake power.

And so he is kind of pushing Sheriff Morshauer into a like, we need to start thinking pretty seriously about genociding the rest of the Skags.

Like, we don't want any problems like this.

Do you think there was a joke on set about, like, you know, you're shooting in the heat, you're wearing these thick clothes?

Do you think number one on the call sheet should

take time for more showers?

Is that a thing anyone said to anyone else?

Do you think anybody has ever walked up to him and said, like, how's the hog?

Are you a grower?

And he said, no, more of a shower.

God, that's great.

That's better.

That's a lot better.

You can't just walk up to the teacher and ask him about his hog, okay?

I guess so.

Man, she.

Hey, make sure Darone knows that before his first day of school, all right?

I will, I will.

That's kind of our prime directive here in our house.

Yeah, yeah.

Jeriff Morshauer is like, okay, I'm open to this genocide thing.

Like, some suspicious stuff has been going on.

Like, Archer had that weird gadget he was talking to into, and then he disappeared.

Like, maybe the advanced technology that the Skags used to have has been hidden from us.

But

I want some proof before we do the genocide.

Like, that's what it takes to enforce the law.

And Bennings is like, oh, if that's what it takes for you, I'm going to do a thing that people have done in Star Trek for Time of Amerium, take my badge off and drop it.

Yeah, I love that it's not just a Wild West episode in a Star Trek season.

It's this meta moment within that involving the badge.

It's really fun.

Yeah.

On Enterprise, oh, Hoshi, I forgot you were on this show.

Does a presentation to the senior staff about Scagaran history using the data they got from the crashed Scagaran ship?

And evidently the logs have a lot of evidence of...

disciplinary problems between the slaves and the slave masters.

They were like lazy and didn't want to be enslaved.

Yikes.

There's a line about like, oh, I grabbed the wrong species.

And it's like, what would be the right species, Archer?

Someone who piped up a little bit less.

Yeah.

There is some discussion about like, so there's 6,000 humans here who are no longer enslaved, but are trapped and disconnected from the rest of humanity.

Like, what are we going to do about them?

And Archer makes the case that we need to tell them like that we're here and Earth hasn't abandoned them.

And, like, we can't obviously rescue them right now, but we got to start thinking about that.

It seems like you could have done an entire episode about this moment.

Yeah.

Like, the knowledge that you can't take them all with you.

You can't take any of them with you, really.

And that you'll just promise to come by later into the most dangerous place humans have ever traveled to.

We'll come and pick you up is the promise.

Yeah.

We promise.

We're going to have to build a much bigger ship with a Warp 5 engine.

Yeah.

I guess.

I mean, there's a lot about this that is

very complicated.

Yeah.

And I've got the

of the far heart.

Legally it's just a virtual.

He heads back down in a shuttle and lands right in the middle of the town.

And it's Archer, Tepaul, Reed, and a bunch of makos.

And now they are not pretending to be members of this community.

They are in uniform.

TePaul's ears are on full display.

What a great hero shot of them emerging from the shuttle pod, too.

Yeah.

This is great stuff.

This planet's version of a tumbleweed rolls by and it's like totally gross and disgusting, like leaving a slime trail as it...

Yeah.

It's got like tentacles that are like...

You know how like when you try to dry a fitted sheet and it balls up on itself and like makes a big floppy knot that you have to undo to get it to dry right?

Never dry when that happens.

It's like a soaked, fitted sheet rolling through town.

And all the sheriff deputies just start opening up on it.

Yes.

So Archer has like a long conversation in private with Sheriff Morshauer about the situation.

And he kind of explains everything to Morshauer.

He's like, okay, wow.

Damn, like this is such a trip because I didn't even think Earth was real necessarily.

I thought it was just like a story because we had no evidence of it.

The music starts playing, and it's like a speech right out of the first Gladiator movie.

Like, there was a dream of Earth once.

And Archer's like, so you guys can all obviously come back to Earth.

And he's like, I don't know, man.

Like, it sounds like we wouldn't do great there.

What with all of your tolerance and infinite diversity and infinite combinations?

We're not really like that.

And Archer's like, I don't know.

I think you're going to be a little less apartheid-y by the time we come back for you.

I mean, how long has it been since y'all had slaves?

That was a long time ago.

Now, we tend to have a long memory when it comes to that sort of thing.

Do you want to have a slaves measuring contest in terms of like how far in the past that was?

We can play that game, Captain Archer.

So, they come back out,

and uh-oh,

Benning's dropped the sheriff.

But he did not shoot himself because he's not the deputy anymore.

Oh,

is that an impression of the Quiznose monsters in that commercial singing I Shot the Sheriff?

I don't know.

I don't know about the Quiznose monsters.

Oh, yeah.

You're going to love those Quiznose monsters.

Go look that up.

This is like one of those town square setups where like a bunch of powder kegs are flashing red

in weird spots.

Like the thickness of this scene is foreshadowing a massive gunfight that's about to pop off, which does after this first shot is fired.

It's a real brought projectile weapons to a phaser fight situation for these townspeople though, because even though the deputies are practiced gunsmen, the Makos have like zoom in functions on their sniper rifles and it is really not a fair fight.

Reed starts it, though, right?

Like, I love how Reed's the first one to shoot one of these Western guys, and it's done in that great A-team kind of way where the guy on the second floor balcony, like,

throws his pump action rifle into the air before somersaulting

off of the balcony.

It's like that, uh, the end of that 70s Turkish film.

Yeah.

I just know Bill Tilley was like standing on the couch screaming

when this happened.

This is vintage TV shit.

It's a fun fight because the bullets can still kill you, and it's pretty clear that they get through the uniform.

You know, it's not like they're all armored up.

Right.

But they just can't aim with the same accuracy as the phaser users.

And the attrition rate on the old west side is pretty high until Archer like stumbles around a corner and Bennings catches him in the shoulder.

Bennings dropped Archer

because he is a former deputy.

We put the sandwich in the toaster

and then we toast the cheese.

This sounds like a good commercial.

When Archer gets winged by this shot, his shoulder like turns toward camera and it is meat.

It is like hanging meat.

It looks grisly.

And I was so hoping for Archer to grab for it the way someone who gets shot in movies and TVs does so often.

Like, oh, what the fuck?

Ow, my arm!

You got me!

Yeah, like to have it like hanging and bloody.

Like, it looks bloody and bad, but he's not acting like it's bloody and bad.

Because he then goes into a barn with Bennings and they have a whole Star Trek fight in there.

And it's like...

A one-armed Star Trek fight.

Yeah, but it's like, like, if you had a huge exit wound the size of a grapefruit on the front of your chest, you're not fighting someone at that point, you know?

Imagine how much of a dipshit you are if you're the sheriff's deputy and you can't take this guy in a fist fight with one arm.

With one arm, and also he has like the hay bale hook.

He can't even do that right.

Bennings, how did you even get the deputy job?

You fucking suck at this.

Is he an actual mad hatter?

Like, is he inhaling the fumes from his hat?

Maybe that's what's going on.

Yeah.

Anyways, there's a fun moment where one of the the Old West guys grabs to Paul and Reed shoots the hostage because he can shoot unstunned, I guess.

I thought for sure he'd Robocop her, like,

shoot between her legs.

Reed shot the penis

that I will not fuck anymore.

I will now refer you to a Old West Sexual Violence Recovery Center.

Why are you talking like that, Reed?

Citizen, stand down.

Did I tell you I saw RoboCop in the theater not that long ago?

No way.

A fucking packed house.

It was amazing.

I really love that movie.

There's a moment in this Star Trek fight where they roll under the legs of a horse in the barn, and that is one of the scariest stunts I have ever seen done on TV.

I agree.

To the extent that I almost thought this might have been a fake set of horse legs.

But they were moving.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, is this where the budget went?

Unbelievable.

Amazing.

I mean,

it's being gored by a hooved foot of like a thousand-pound animal, or it's having piss absolutely rocketed at your face.

And in Archer's case, he's got a large open wound.

So that's...

Yeah.

I mean, you know, piss is sterile, so maybe it would debride the the wound a little bit maybe it'd actually be good oh that is so gnarly but he takes out Bennings

and back up on the ship Bethany gets a who watches the watchers treatment Archer shows her his window we're up too high to see it but your town is down there she feels kind of bad about this whole situation she's like damn like I mean we have been developing

you know, alongside the rest of humanity here on this planet.

And while you guys leapt ahead and invented warp drive and defeated poverty and shit, we've just been doing old west shit this entire fucking time.

Are you kidding me?

This is like that game of Civ where you just can't get rid of the barbarians.

Like

you guys made it to the Mars colony.

What are you doing?

I'm still fucking fighting barbarians.

It sucks.

Yeah, this is the moment where I was like, I was like, we're going to like have a conversation about how she's like an octoroon or whatever.

And it it doesn't come up.

I don't know what that word means.

What is octoroon?

Like she's got skag in her.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

What do you make of Archer here?

Archer's like, babe, don't feel so bad.

You fell behind because of the, and then like checks the notes, because of the slave thing.

And then you were made to live with your slaveholders.

That's bound to set a society back for a time.

Why don't you guys, look, we're going to be back around to pick you up eventually.

I think someday was the timeline we gave you.

Why don't you guys take the time you have to make some better laws?

And then maybe by the time we pick you up, things will be better for you.

What do you think?

There is a time-honored tradition in Star Trek episodes where you go to a more primitive society or sometimes back to Earth's past and you meet a lady there and she wants you to take her with you.

Yes.

This is not that episode.

She does not want to go.

There's no interest.

That's weird.

Very smart by her because like, you know.

This is kind of an asexual episode.

There's very little horniness in it.

Like the bullet extraction scene is the horniest part of the episode.

Yeah, napkins on the on the boobs and Vajine is as horny as it gets here.

You'd think rodeo clown Trip Tucker would get into some kind of sexual trouble down there.

Nope.

Nope.

Doesn't happen.

He's barely in the episode.

Yeah.

How about instead of me giving you a rifle, I unbutton the cuff of my shirt and I show you a little something special up my forearm.

Will that be good enough to rent a pony for a day or two?

Friend, for that, you can have the whole barn.

You're never going to let that go, are you?

I've never seen anything like that.

I'm going to bust.

I'm going to shoot.

I'm going to shoot.

The button on the episode is Bethany teaching an integrated schoolroom.

Skag and human alike can learn the times tables from Bethany now because they've changed their laws.

Yeah, there was no moment of skags being screamed at on the steps of the school by the

racist townsfolk.

Yeah,

the townsfolk didn't like kind of rebuild their religion around justifying all of this.

Yeah.

First lesson, Orville and Wilbur Wright and the story story of the the first flying machine.

Mm-hmm.

How about that?

And the skags are like, what about on our planet?

Did we invent flying also?

I believe we invented flying to space.

That's what we did over here.

Like hundreds of years before you guys, right?

Hey,

how much earlier did we also invent slavery?

Did you legislate that out of the courses here?

We'll get to that in Skag History Month, guys.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The sheriff looks looks on approvingly at this scene it's a reminder that public schools staffed with an on-duty police officer will continue to be a thing long into the future ben did you like this episode

i can't pay good plate got no cake tempting fate god that was just red meat i just threw at your feet

not hungry

you know what i liked about this episode i love getting creative with the color grade.

Yeah.

Like, I really dug the creative choice to make this episode look like it was lit and colored like an old-timey episode in a way that, like, my mind always goes back to Cowboy Wharf, the TNG episode.

And I just remember that episode being very vibrant and colorful and lit like a science fiction show in a way that Westerns aren't.

They really leaned into how Westerns look this episode in all kinds of ways.

I love the costumes were were especially good even though the mystery of the costumes totally unpaid off what a great looking episode all the way through i feel like in the tng era they probably would have had to shoot that the western stuff on like different film stock and they're not gonna do that yeah like like this is firmly in the era of we can take this into a color grading environment and and like pull sliders to change what it looks like and uh it's so cool that they have the ability to do that now and uh yeah the the episode looks great it's also like i think it does a good job of grappling with those like the injustices of the past still haunt us today issues without trying to meticulously map it onto a specific relatable situation like yeah because those kind of preachy episodes suck yeah like it manages to like give you interesting perspectives on that situation without like telling you exactly how to feel about any of it or putting it in terms that are like immediately recognizable as a specific metaphor for something that's happened in earth history.

So you have to like think about it in those terms.

Yeah, there was a little bit of discomfort with the whole like the reaction to the awful thing being equivalent to the initial awful thing when really there's no equivalency at all.

Yeah.

In that, in my mind, like, eh, a little squishy.

I think they hit a couple of off notes in an otherwise pretty interesting episode.

Yeah.

Gotta say, like, before we go, I don't know where else to put this.

Scott Bakula looks great as a cowboy.

You give that guy a little stubble and the right hat.

Thought he looked great.

Yeah, he sure did.

He fit right in.

Yeah.

Good job, everybody.

Do you want to see if there's anything in the Priority One inbox, Adam?

Hopefully, the FODs did a good job.

Priority one message from Starfleet coming in on secured channels.

Need a supplemental income.

Supplemental.

Supplemental.

Supplemental.

Yeah, it's extra.

By the interest alone could be enough to buy this ship.

Then we've got a promotional priority one message here.

This one is for retroadshow.org.

Here's how that message goes.

I was a little bit embarrassed about collecting vintage computers and classic consoles.

But she who is my wife and the boy suggested that I share my embarrassment.

Result?

The Retro Road Show, the San Francisco Bay Area's hands-on pop-up museum of vintage technology.

Whoa.

Retro Road Show events are free, fun, and inclusive.

We've got several public library events coming up.

We'll be at the Bay Area Maker Fair too.

FOD's welcome.

We also work with businesses for customized private events, so reach out for info.

Chris Brenner Drop.

I'm Chris Brenner.

Brenner Information Systems.

You know, interface, operations, net access, channel 90.

That Chris Brenner.

Go to retroroadshow.org to learn more about us and see our upcoming events.

Dang.

This is Huxley and Sarai Duncani.

What an interesting bit of business they're doing.

That sounds sounds super cool.

Why not turn your collection of dusty stuff into something that can entertain and delight?

I love the concept.

I feel like if I was still at Engadget making stuff with them, I would love to do a segment on this.

It sounds super cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, pretty great.

Cool website.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I wish I was growing up going to a cool Bay Area library event about weird old computers.

Yeah.

Sounds cool as hell.

Instead, you moved to LA.

You blew it.

You blew it.

Retroroadshow.org.

Adam, our next P1 is from John.

It's to Ben and Adam.

Goes like this.

I'm a newer FOD and used your pod to train for my latest marathon.

It was a huge success.

Laughing while running increased my VO2 max.

Hey.

Thank you both for keeping me company on my runs.

Cisco's Latinum is perfect for hills.

The current KBLT bit nearly made me stumble into a ditch, and it is impossible to run during the Terry Gar drop.

Wow.

God, could you imagine running a marathon?

And John is like my latest marathon, which suggests multiple marathons in his past.

Yeah, I tend to side with maximumfund.org founder Jesse Thorne on this.

A marathon is something that you participate in in defiance of God's will.

But I'm glad we maxed someone's O2.

That sounds good.

That's what you want.

I mean, the thing about an O2 max is that it keeps getting bigger.

Got to max it out.

Got to keep maxing.

Good job, John.

Keep on maxing in the free world.

Ben, final message here from Chris Allen.

It's to Adam and Ben.

Here's that message.

Hey, Adam and Ben.

Just dropping a Benjamin to say that I love the podcast.

You got me through some rough times.

I had no idea what you guys looked like.

And I looked you up.

You both have such chiseled jaws.

Oh, wow.

I love it.

Yeah, if you're watching this episode on the video, Chris Allen, you're seeing maybe more than you bargained for.

Yeah.

Anyways, I started watching Trek because of your podcast, and no regrets.

Wow.

Also, Malcolm Reid sucks.

Insert random drop here.

Sick bell buckle, bro.

One fun thing about Chris Allen's P1 is that the request for the show it's on not be a Malcolm Reed episode.

So, calling their shot is Chris Allen.

And I think true to what they wanted, not a particularly special Malcolm Reed episode is what we had here.

Yeah.

I mean, he got to like shoot his gun a little bit, but

he wasn't in the forefront with a story.

If you've got a priority one message, you can go to maximumfund.org slash jumbotron, write a couple of words about the dusty computers that you want to turn into a museum for folks, or any other message you've got.

We'll read them out loud on the show.

It's a great way to support the production of our programs.

Well, Adam, I've just got one question for you.

What?

Did you find yourself a drunk Shimoda?

Incredible.

Drunk Shimoda!

I think I'm going to make it the teacher.

Like, it doesn't seem right or fair that I would make it the teacher.

But she seems kind of oblivious to just about everything.

She knows that the mandatory minimum is 10 years for teaching Skagarans, and yet she hops onto an extremely loud, horse-drawn carriage

to only one place she could possibly be going to do the only thing she's qualified to do at a place that she shouldn't be in the first place.

There's no tradecraft.

Yeah.

Like you want her to be like moving like she's in the French resistance.

Like she gives every appearance of being like a law-abiding Vichy citizen, but then like knows tunnels to get to the Skag village or whatever, you know.

Look, I like that she's an ally.

People need allies, especially the Skagarans.

But I like I'm a little smarter than her.

She's a little bit incurious.

Not a lot of street smarts with the teacher, so I'm going to make her my drunk Shimota for that reason.

What about you?

I got to give it to the bartender.

I just loved his deal of like,

oh yeah, when he's like holding his chin out, like you see any results.

Pretty great.

That's a fun bit.

That's a kind of guy, right?

Like

his distant relative did something important.

Not me, but like I should get to, you know, enjoy that like it's my own accomplishment.

Absolutely.

Faith of the fart.

Let's see what we got coming up next.

Adam, while you head to goch.biz slash game, I will pull that information up.

It will be season three, episode 10 next week.

Title is Similitude.

Huh.

Trip is injured during an attempt to improve the warp engines.

Ouch!

My nipples!

You're never gonna let that go, are you?

Archer allows Phlox to create a symbiote of trip, which will only live for 15 days and provide neural tissue needed for a vital transplant.

The tissue, though, is like kind of darker colored with a couple of stray hairs poking out of it.

Why do I get so tough when it's cold?

What'd you make me out of, Doc?

Did you make make me out of all nipple?

Oops, all nipple.

Let's find out if the next episode we do, Ben, is a oops all kind of episode.

For that, I go to gock.biz slash game and the game, buttholes, the Will of the Riker, Quantum Leap.

Right now, our runabout is on square 69.

Nice.

It's the decontamination chamber.

Record in your underpants square, which we have done.

Mission accomplished.

We could roll this again if you roll a 100, right?

I know.

You're required to learn as you play.

Roll.

Let's see what happens when I roll this die.

Maybe we'll land on something else.

Ben, I have landed on a 27.

And that means two special episodes in a row

for the upcoming episode shall be

a Bronzone episode.

I take it it you're in charge here team leader brone fourth vory defense contingent i gotta get a pump that's it get it

which means we must communicate uh on occasion using the glorified vory telling's vocabulary and manner of speech during the fullness of the recap of this episode i am So excited for this.

How about that?

I love going back to the Brown Zone.

I feel like we're going to get back shirts, but they're just going to cover our chest, not our arms, right?

I really feel like a brown zone episode should have also been an implied shirtless episode.

Yeah, yeah, not the case.

I gotta go get a pump.

That's it, get it.

Thanks to everyone who listened.

Thanks to the friends of DeSoto who support the program at maximumfund.org/slash join.

Thanks to everyone who watched.

Definitely going to want to check out the greatest track social media accounts for the video of this week's episode.

We got to thank Wendy Pretty, our producer and editor.

Fortunately, she only has to do the audio portion of this.

Oh, yeah.

Rob Adler, our social media manager, he's the one that's going to quit in protest for having to edit this video.

Probably the most undyingly loyal to us will always be Bill Tilly, our Zindi wartime consigliary.

He'll forgive us, won't you, Bill?

He's making trading cards, but maybe not of this week.

Or maybe we're a hologram this week.

I I don't know.

You know, who fucking knows?

Hologram shirtless Ben.

Hologram shirtless Adam.

I love that.

The Discord is at drunkshamota.com.

The merch store is at podshop.biz.

Sign up for the mailing list there.

We recently took control of greatesttrek.com, so you can get a lot of links to all kinds of stuff that we do at greatesttrech.com.

Oh, yeah.

With that, we will be back at you next week with another great episode of Star Trek Enterprise, an episode of the Greatest Generation Enterprise, where we're actually taking our rages, turning them back to tremends.

How about that?

Yeah, transitive property.

Feels good.

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