If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen

Are you the one everyone turns to when something needs to get done? The go-to person who always steps in, fixes the problems, has the answers, and makes sure everything runs smoothly? If so, that's likely because you're smart and effective and just a highly functioning human, which of course is great. I see myself that way too.
But there is a difference between being highly functioning and over-functioning, which really isn't all that great. In fact, if you suspect this might be you, today's episode will be an eye-opening wake-up call.
I'm flipping the script on the way we think about the person who is the go-to problem solver, fixer, giver type person. And I'm going to share five eye-opening reasons why all of this

over-functioning is not only bad for you, it's just bad, period. And stick around until the end

because I'm sharing how to stop the cycle of over-functioning even when it seems like the

consequences of not helping are high. Hi, it's Hillary.
Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
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We might think that being so available to others, being helpful or generous of spirit and time is altruistic or benevolent, but there is a very dark side to this and it's costly for both parties. So today we're diving into the surprising reasons why over-functioning, the constant giving and doing and fixing and sacrificing, is really not the virtue that you've been led to believe and think that it is.
It's actually hurting you and everyone around you. So let's get into it.
Over-functioning is when you take on more than your fair share of responsibility for things, the things that other people could and should be doing for themselves. So the first reason why this is bad for everyone involved is that you're training people to rely on you.
When you over-function, you're training people to depend on you for everything. They start to subconsciously think, mom will handle it, wifey knows what to do, or ask Hillary, She knows what to do.
She's got it covered. Over time, this creates a cycle where they stop trying to solve problems themselves because they know you'll just step in and do it.
You think that you're helping, but you're actually creating dependence and it's exhausting for you and disempowering for them. Over time, they begin to under function and it's a truly damaging dynamic in all of our relationships, but especially our romantic ones, which then leads to the second reason, which is that you're robbing them of their wins and their lessons.
So when you swoop in to save the day, you're stealing their opportunity to experience the satisfaction of solving a problem or accomplishing something on their own. Even if it's something small, we all feel good crossing things off our to-do list and taking care of our business.
We need this as humans to face our challenges or hardships and to figure it out, right? So even just having to deal with annoying little things that we don't want to deal with and we do it anyway actually is good for us, which then means they don't get to feel the pride of a win. They don't get to feel like they earned the W because they stuck to it or they figured it out or they got resourceful.
And then of course, they also then can't feel the disappointment, the frustration, or the sadness from a really hard-earned lesson when something doesn't turn out as hoped or expected. So we've all heard the word enabling, right? But this is actually disabling.
It stunts growth because over time, they aren't developing the skills, the resilience, the confidence, and the ability to trust themselves to just face life in general. They aren't learning self-sufficiency, whether it's a child, a friend, a family member, someone that you work with, or a lover.
And so I know this is not the intention, quite opposite, right? You think you're being helpful and loving and giving and caring, but it is what is happening. So just let that sink in and be a motivating factor for you

in changing this dynamic in your relationships

and in how you operate.

What makes this challenging to change is number three,

which is that you're kind of getting something out of it.

If the people in your life come to depend on you

to help solve problems or handle tough situations,

it kind of crowns you the queen. You get to be seen as the smart one, the capable one, the strong one, right? Whatever you wanna call it.
And while you may complain about it and say you resent everyone leaning on you and always being the go-to person, let's be honest, there's a part of you that likes being the hero. If you're around my age, you may remember the superhero cartoon called Mighty Mouse.
Do you remember that? He used to swoop in singing, here I come to save the day, right? I loved Mighty Mouse. But maybe just have that tune in your head when you feel tempted to step in and remind yourself not to be Mighty Mouse.
They need to be their own hero and rescue themselves. We all do.
We need to be our own hero. And thinking about it this way instead means by not stepping in, you are actually still helping because you're not helping and giving them space instead, space and grace to figure it out themselves, right? So you're still helping by not actively getting involved and helping.
So we might think that it feels good to be needed, but what feels even better is when we are just wanted. Because when there is a part of you that needs to be needed, your sense of worth or value or significance from rescuing becomes dependent on others needing you.
So the cycle continues and it becomes a trap. By you needing them to need you, you set it up so that they always need you, so that you're always needed.
Make sense? It is a vicious trap. And let's not forget, when you do it all, you get to control how it's done.
It's on your timeline, on your terms, and to your

standards. Some things may not fit this when it has nothing to do with you, but when what you're helping with does have to do with you, you can see how there's a payoff here.
So ask yourself, what am I getting out of this role? And is it really worth the cost to my energy, my sanity, and my relationships? What would happen if I step back instead of stepping in? And is that consequence something that we all can deal with even if it's hard? Likely it is. Those hard times, remember, are learning and growth opportunities for all of us.
Sometimes we are trying to spare our loved ones from pain or learning the hard way or facing some kind of brutal consequence, but it is their consequence to face. And that is just important life lessons all around.
I know for me personally, I can be stubborn and I always have to learn the hard way. It just seems that I always have to learn the hard way.
But I promise you, I guarantee you, once I experience something for myself, I can finally just get it. I learn it.
Okay. I'm a learn by doing person and a lot of us are.
Okay. So reason number four, you're hugging the joy of giving.
This is the twist that no one sees coming. Think about how good it feels when you do something kind or you help solve a problem for someone, right? In healthy parameters within healthy normal limits, it feels good.
There is a joy, a satisfaction, or a pleasure surge that we get. And by always being the one to save the day, you're actually hogging all the joy, pleasure, and satisfaction for yourself.
It's usurping or hijacking the opportunity for others to experience the amazing feelings that we get when we solve the problem or overcome the obstacles and figure things out for ourselves. They don't get to cross the finish line because you're crossing it for them.
Thinking about it this way might make you feel bad or even selfish, and it would be if you persist and insist on continuing like this. But I know you likely haven't thought about it this way.
So for most of us, we do better once we know better, right? So rather than beat yourself up for this, just take it in and make the adjustments that you need to make. And by the way, the Daily Journal is the exact tool to help you make these changes because the process of writing in the prompts that I'm providing for you help you change the way you think about yourself and all of this, which then naturally changes your behavior, your actions, and your choices.
You're literally going to rewire and reprogram your brain in 90 days, deciding for yourself who you want to be and how you want to be in the world. It really is truly transformational.
So again, I put the link in the show notes and in the pinned comments. I really kind of urge you to just give it a try.
So here's the last reason overgiving and overfunctioning is just bad all around, and it is the bitter pill, but then I'm going to solve it for you. So make sure you stick around.
You're blocking the flow of reciprocity. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual contribution and reciprocity, a natural flow of give and take.
No, I'm not talking about tit for tat and scorekeeping. It's a more organic flow of two people who just care for each other in some way putting in to the relationship.
And over-givers block that natural flow by refusing to ask for, accept, and receive help, attention, and support from others. Sometimes over-givers will say they want to receive as much as they are giving, but it just doesn't happen.
And so then you feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, or unimportant, and also just burnt out from all the overgiving and the effort. Add in a little bit of resentment sometimes too, okay? But being such an overgiver means that you can turn anyone into a taker.
You've kind of created a monster here. People may want to reach out, but over time have learned that you're just going to

decline so they've stopped asking. Here's the deal.
What's going on underneath it all is really a deep subconscious lack of self-worth. People who have a hard time receiving don't feel worthy of receiving the very time, attention, help, and love that they long for.
So you won't make it happen. Okay? All of your over-functioning output keeps you chasing self-worth by what you can do for people.
And the focus always being on everyone else is deflection. It keeps you safe and protected because receiving just feels so very uncomfortable.
That somebody would want to do something for you feels really, really vulnerable. And it's just something that you might not be willing to do.
And so you position yourself as someone who doesn't need help from anyone. And then it feels like nobody cares about you.
Nobody is willing to give to you. It's always about them and it's never about you.
When you do it all, you create an imbalance in your relationships and you are actually blocking those in your life from being able to show up for you, essentially robbing them from the experience of joy and satisfaction that we all get when we give. So by now you know I'm all about the bitter pill and the magic pill.
And if you aren't, go back and listen to

and watch some of my previous episodes.

If all that we just talked about is the bitter pill,

that this over-giving, over-functioning thing

is a you problem, it also then means

that it's a you solution and that's the magic pill, okay?

The goal isn't to stop giving altogether,

it's to give in a way that's balanced,

intentional, and empowering, both for you and everyone else. When you stop over-functioning,

you free up your energy to focus on what truly matters. You create space for other people to

grow and contribute. And then you get to experience the joy of a relationship that's built

on mutual respect

and reciprocity. Here are some questions for you to ask yourself, self-reflection here.
Am I doing this because I genuinely want to or because I feel obligated? Am I stepping in because I think they can't handle it or because I don't trust them to do it right? What would happen if I backed off and let them figure it out? What would happen if I leaned back and allowed someone to help me? Being a receiver, and this is new, right? This would be new for you. And you will have to ask for help at first.
And then you have to remember to show up being willing to receive. And the people who know you the old way, it may take a minute for them to catch on, but they eventually will.
Rather than being quick to say yes to helping and offering your two cents, try first asking these questions. What have you already tried to figure this out? What do you think you can do to solve this problem? Coach them to be resourceful and self-centered.
In this new approach, you're still helping, but you're not being the one doing it all. Because remember, over-functioning isn't noble.
It is a trap. By setting yourself on fire just to keep everyone else warm, you're burning yourself out and you're keeping everyone else in the dark.
Stop doing it all and start doing only what truly matters and you will be amazed at how much better you feel and actually how much better everyone else around you feels too. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it.
It's really, really important. And don't forget to grab my free mini video training.
This changes everything. The link to that and the journal are in the show notes

and in the description. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.