What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving

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Fee's may apply. What do you say to someone who's grieving? There's been things in my life, and I know things that have happened in your life, that when it happens, you don't know how to handle it.
You don't know what to say. Something so sad, there's been a death, there's not something happened that's tragic, it's devastating, and you want to be there with them, but you just don't have the words.
You don't know if what you're going to say is going to make it bitter or is it going to make it worse. That's this episode.
This is the Jefferson Fisher podcast. If you're listening, I'm going to ask that wherever you're listening, find where it says subscribe, a heart, a like, and it's not a forever thing.
It's telling the platform that you're listening to that this is good content. My promise to you is to do that, to make you a better communicator.
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Here in my personal life, there's been a family who has recently lost their daughter, and their daughter was eight. I can't imagine what that's like.
I've had loss in my life. Loss of a child is very different to me.
I can't even, I have a hard time grasping that thought. And maybe listening right now, you can either relate to loss in your own life, or you know people close to you that they've recently had loss, and you're at a point where you go, I don't know what to say.
How do I, should I text them? Should I call them? I want them to know that I'm thinking about them, but I don't want it to be surface level. I don't want it to be empty.
I don't want to just be like everybody else. And what happens, and it's natural, it's normal, that even people closest to you, when they're going through loss and grief, you just say nothing because you're afraid to say anything at all.
Is it going to hurt? Is it going to help? Here's some things that I'm going to teach you about when you're communicating with people during periods of grief, when they're going through loss and grief, this is what I want you to do. Number one, I want you to remove the phrase, let me know if.
If what you're going to say to them begins with, let me know if, stop, erase it. I cannot be any more serious.
Do not send it. If I'm going to send you a text that says, hey, let me know if I can help.
Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if there's anything I can do.
You know what I've done? I've just relinquished all accountability, responsibility on myself. I've now put it all on you.
Hey, let me know if you need any help. I've now given you a chore.
That is, hey, on top of all the other things you have going on and the emotional turmoil that you're experiencing, now it's your responsibility to reach out to me should you need anything. So first, you have to now decide when you're going to reach out to me.
You now have to decide what kind of help that you need, and you have to decide if it's going to be helpful or not. It's giving you a chore, something else to do.
Hey, if you need something, you call me. And here, my work here is done.
I've now communicated with you. If you need anything, let me know.
If there's anything that we can do, please tell me. Nobody's going to take you up on that.
It's a cop-out. That's what it is.
I know it's from a good place. Here's my disclaimer with is.
I know it's from a good place.

Here's my disclaimer with that.

I know it's from a good place.

I know that you mean well.

I know you're saying this to them because you don't know what else to say.

I'm telling you, it's not kind.

Scrap it.

If it begins with let me know if, delete it.

Instead, just do the thing you are thinking of doing. Send the help.
Be the help. Show up.
Mow the yard. Deliver the food.
Run the errand. Whatever it is, just do it without even asking.
I promise you that is much better, a much better sign of you being in it with them than just saying, let me know if I can help you at all. Let me know if you need anything.
Go mow their yard. Go deliver food.
Even if they don't eat it, it doesn't matter. It's the symbol of it.
Even if that errand, you know what, that's one less thing you can take off their plate, the better. Rather than you say, hey, let me know if you need any help, which just adds to their plate.
Can you see the difference? I know that it comes from a good place. I want you to get in the habit of removing the let me know if.
Let me know if you need anything. Scrap it.
I cannot be any more serious. There's nothing worse than when you're in a time of grief and despair and loss and suffering when it's now your responsibility to reach out because they won't do it.
They won't. How can they possibly do it? They don't know which way is up.
I can tell you if right now I'm in the same position of some of our friends who just lost their daughter, I would be an absolute nutcase. And if I think about it, I'm going to get really upset.
And I'm going to be in a hard spot because you'd have to lock me up. I can't even imagine it.
So scrap the let me know if from the question. Cool? Good.
Number two, do not ask for details, especially when it's fresh. I know that you mean it from a good place.
You want to know all the details when you say, oh my gosh, what happened? Oh my goodness, what this? What happened? How did they pass away? What did they do this? Did they not know about this? And you're just peppering them with questions. Oh, did they not know this was coming? Did they know this was apparent? Was this when you were just giving them a litany of a quiz, of a questionnaire? You see that in posts on Facebook or Instagram, something happened and they all want to know what happened with this.
Stop it. Stop it.
If it's not, if you're not in the know, then there is a reason. And it's because it's too soon and you're not close enough to it.
You will find out when you're supposed to find out. It is far kinder for you to say, to text them and say, no need to respond, period, thinking about you, period, or praying for you or sending you my love or sending a big hug.
You hear that that's just, I'm not asking anything from you. To be able to, somebody told me, hey, no need to respond.
I'm letting you know I'm sending you all the love that I can. You see how you're not adding to their plate? When you're peppering them with questions, you're adding to their plate.
That's the worst thing you can do. Remove that from their plate.
No need to respond. No need to text me back.
And you know what? They're going to appreciate that because then they'll text you or call you, whatever it is, when you are supposed to know, when they're at a place mentally that they can let you know. So don't be nosy.
Don't be trying to get all the facts. Definitely don't try to be playing the person of, well, didn't they know? Or were they prepared? Or did somebody not tell them? Or any of that stuff that's questioning as if your question could have changed the outcome.
Right? That only makes it worse. I know it comes from a good place.
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Go to drinklmnt.com slash Jefferson. Number three, one of the biggest parts of this, and I know it's not going to feel normal, is you cannot turn to positivity.
Not out of the gate. I'm not going to say it's toxic positivity.
I'm just saying any positivity. When it sounds like, well, at least they're in're in a better place or all things, you know, just things happen for a reason.
Or, you know, I know that they're, at least they're not hurting anymore. Things that you mean it well, but to the other person, it is nails on a chalkboard when you say, well, at least they're in a better place.
No, they're not. I want the better places with me right here.
Don't say that they need to be somewhere else. That's not something for you to say.
That's not something for you to say. Sometimes when you mean it so well, because you want to be uplifting, you want to be positive.
That's not the time. There's a time

to be positive and a time not to be. And when people are experiencing severe grief and depression and they don't know what to do and they don't want to live and they just want to go crawl in a dark hole, that is not the time for you to start spraying sunshine.
I'm not saying there's never a place for it now Now is not the time. Timing is a big component of this.

Cool? Positivity is something that we always have to have it. You know this.
If you're listening still right now, you listen to my podcast and you know positivity is something that we always are about. But timing is a big component of that.
Instead of spitting positivity, I want you to agree with their pain. When somebody's going through grief, rather than spinning positive statements, like, well, at least they're in a better place, scrap that and agree with their pain.
That sounds like this is terrible. I agree.

This isn't right.

Nobody should have to go through this. Agree with their pain.
That, again, is much kinder. Because before, when you're giving positive statements, you're almost forcing them to try and have a positive outlook.
That's not going to happen, especially not then. You're only going to get anger from them.
Anger is very much tied to grief. And that's a process that takes a very long time, that any statements of positivity are not going to force.
That's not going to do it for them. It's only going to make it worse.
But when you agree with their pain, absolutely you can apologize for it. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
Apologizing, nothing wrong with that. You're sympathizing with them.
You're sympathizing. You're empathizing.
That's fine. Nobody should have to go through this.
It's not fair. This is devastating.
This is horrible. I hate it.
Things that you just, when I say agree with their pain, think in your mind how it must feel. And that's very hard.
What they're going to be thinking, nobody should have to go through this. This is more than I can bear.
This is unbearable. That's the kind of stuff that you need to say.
Agree with their pain. Do not fight it.
Do not try to get them into a happy mindset. It is not the time.
It's not the time. So when somebody's going through grief, here's what I want you to do.
One, get rid of, let me know if. Instead, just do it.
Do the thing. And here's a big part of this.
If you're not in a position to do it, don't pretend that you are. I say that very kindly.
And I say that very earnestly. If you're not in a position to do the thing, don't pretend that you are.
Don't send the text as, let me know if I can help, when you're really not in a position to help help You live states away. You're not in a position to help If you weren't you'd already be there So so so continue to be genuine with what you say I know it comes from a good place, but it can come across disingenuous So scrap that too Don't ask for all the details Not then you'll find them out when you're supposed to find them out.
Just give that time process. I know it's the unknown.
It's anxiety of you wanting to get that information. Now's not the time.
Be there with that other person. No need to respond.
Just letting you know I'm thinking about you. And three, go back to this part of the inside of realizing there's time for positivity and there's time for not positivity.
And when somebody is going through grief, they're grieving because it is a process that is not the time to try to be positive. That's not the time to be positive.
Whenever you say, let me know if there's anything I can do. Yeah, you can give my loved one back to me.
That's what you can do. You can't do that.
That's what that mind state is. All right? So I want you to go hug somebody.
Hug a stranger. I don't care.
Go hug your little ones, your loved ones, because we're all going through a lot of hurt in a lot of different ways.

Cool?

All right.