3 Keys to Shut Down the Silent Treatment

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratches from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers,

and Los Angeles Rams scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day. Please play responsibly.
or a conversation the two of you should be able to talk about. But the other person checks out on you.
They ghost you. They go quiet.
They don't respond. And you think, well, maybe they just need some time if five minutes go by.
And you think, well, okay. Then an hour goes by, and then more hours, and then it turns into a day or several days, and you're realizing that their silence is meant to punish you.
It's called the silent treatment. We all know what it's like, and I hate it.
So I'm going to teach you exactly what to do to handle it. You ready? Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything.
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They call it the silent treatment. But it's not much of a treatment, is it? It's supposed to treat something, right? If you need a medication, it's meant to treat an illness.
Something is meant to treat something. Maybe it's a paint coating.
Maybe it's for your lawn. It is meant to cure a problem.
The silent treatment cures nothing. In fact, the only thing it does is send you a message, and that message is, this is unhealthy.
In fact, I can't think of a bigger red flag when it comes to communication, healthy communication, than the silent treatment. Because what it's telling you in that moment, and throughout all the time of their silence, is that they lack something.
And you know what that something is? It's called emotional maturity. They are

emotionally immature. They could easily solve it by saying, I need to think about this.
I just need to take some time. I just need some space.
I'm not ignoring you. I'm just feeling some things.
But no, that would be too easy for them. Instead, they want to go radio silent.
They want to go radio silent. And it's just corrosive to the relationship.
So let me tell you, if you are listening to me right now and you're in a relationship with somebody or a working relationship, whether it's at home, the work, wherever, and somebody is giving you the silent treatment, that is a major red flag.

And if using what I'm about to teach you and this episode does not cure it,

it is time for you to have a really hard look in the mirror

of saying if this is worth it

because the amount of time and effort

that is going to have to go into reversing

this kind of behavior

is going to take something from you that you cannot get back. Truly.
You ready? This is how you handle somebody who's giving you the silent treatment. Number one, do not chase them.
Don't chase them. Let me pull back in time of what this might feel like to them? What would be the motive of somebody giving the silent treatment? Well, you know, it gives them a sense of control.
It gives them a sense of, I have your emotions. I have your attention.
Go back in time when you were on the playground at school and you played chase as a kid. What a thrill that was.
We just, just to go back in time, I would love to go back in time, just play chase. Just chase after somebody.
You don't even, I don't even think there's ever actually a beginning or an end to it. You just start chasing someone.
Well, it is in that moment when they try to get you to chase them. Why are they doing it? Because they want your attention.
They want your control. They want you to grovel at their feet.
That is all they're asking for. In that silence, they are expecting you to say, come back.
Why can't you come back? Please come back. I'm so sorry.
When are you going to respond to me? They want to see all the messages that you have. And they can look at them and just feel like they have you.
Don't chase them because you are, if you respond to them, you are rewarding the very behavior that you despise. You are teaching them if you continue to respond, if you give in.
You're teaching them that all they have to do when things get tough, when things get hard in conversation, they just have to go quiet. They just have to go silent for them to get what they want.
Don't chase them. That gives them everything and more.
So when in that moment, when that's happening, you need to realize that they are trying to get you to chase them and you cannot do it.

Acknowledge what it is.

It is a lack of emotional maturity and lack of emotional intelligence to be able to express what is happening in that moment.

It's an immature move.

Number two, I want you to use phrases that call out the behavior, but do not call for a response. When I say call for response, we're not saying things that is asking a question.
We're not saying things that are putting things that you're trying to get them to talk back to you of, hey, just thinking about you. Hey, I want you to talk to me.
None of that. We're not doing that.
We're going to call out the behavior, and this is how it sounds. It's kind of a two-part thing.
One would be labeling what's happening. Two, you're going to be describing what you are going to be doing, regardless of their behavior.
We're going to be talking about what you're doing. It sounds like this.
This silence feels like punishment. I'm going to step away from this conversation now.
Simple as that. Did you hear that? You hear the two parts? Now, you notice I didn't say you.
I didn't say you being quiet is making me leave. That's giving them control.
You don't need to say you. It's the quiet we're talking about.
This silence feels like punishment. I'm going to step away from this conversation right now.
You hear that? That's what you say. You're not trying to get them to respond.
You're saying, hey, I know what's going on here. Hey, yeah, I'm noticing this.
I'm not going to be any part of this. What are some others we can think of? Let's think of this.
Oh, here we go. Ignoring me feels disrespectful.
Yeah. Ignoring this conversation feels like disrespect.
I'm going to take some space right now.

You see how you're saying what's happening, you're labeling that you're ignoring me. I'm not saying ignore me.
I'm saying ignoring this conversation feels disrespectful. I'm going to take some space from this conversation.
I'm not going to match what's happening right now. I will talk to you when we need to talk again.
You see how you're just, I'm labeling it. I'm telling you what I'm going to do now.
You are modeling emotional maturity because now you're saying, I'm taking a break from this conversation. I'm going to step away right now.
I'm going to take a break. I'm going to sit back and have a reset.
That's for you, not for them. You're not going to care what they're going to be doing in this moment.
They've already shown you how they handle their problems by the silent treatment. Instead, you're going to do the opposite.
You're going to model how they should have responded. Those two components make a very concise, confident statement of, I am not buying into what you're doing.
I am not chasing you. Cool? Those are the kind of statements I want you to use.
And that's it. Use one and be done.
You don't have to explain. There's a major key here.
This is not where you decide to have your moment of dumping all the bad things about this person and say, you know what? This is just like you. And say all the ugly things.
Do not give them that. You don't owe them that.
That is not for them. That is not for them.
Do not rise to their level. You are trying to model the behavior that they should have had.
So don't be tempted to go into the spiral drain of, let me go ahead and text out all the things I hate about you, and this is just like you, and you're just like your mom, blah, blah, blah. Don't be doing that.
You have a very quick statement. This silence feels like punishment.
I'm going to take a break from this conversation, or I'm going to step away for right now. Simple as that.
Leave it there. Three, number three, this is going to be a difficult one, and I say that because it is.
You have got to realize that it is your life.

Your life. Nobody else's.
So instead of continuing to look at your phone and check your phone and check your phone, you know what that feels like. Stop doing that.
Stop. you need to mute the conversation, hide the notifications,

delete the conversation, the text thread, if you need to. Stop checking your phone.
Stop wishing they would call you back. You need to let it go, take a big breath, and live your life.
You need to focus. Ask yourself, how am I still going to have a good day? What can I do to have a great day? Go buy yourself some ice cream.
I love ice cream. Go out in the sunshine.
Go to a park. Go meet up with another friend.
Go talk to somebody else. Not about what's happening.
Just go talk to them about their day. Do something that is going to fulfill you.
The best way you can get back at somebody who's giving you the silent treatment is to have a good day. Have a good day.
Because that's exactly what they don't want you to have. They want you to be, oh my goodness, when are they going to text me back? Oh my goodness, I haven't been the same.
I've been miserable. That's music to their ears.
You know what kind of stuff they hate? It's like, you know what? No, I've had a really good day. I was productive.
I did this. I did this.
I met up with so-and-so. No, I'm good.
Because why? I have emotional maturity. It is your life.
You live it. Do not give a second thought to anybody who gives you silent treatment.
I'm getting worked up about this topic, y'all. I can feel I'm starting to sweat.
I really don't like the silent treatment. I really don't.
Not from a standpoint of, I don't like it done to me. I hate that people find that that is a method that is going to get them more of what they want.
Now, I know we could go big into some therapy session as to deep down what are the motives of why they would do it. That still is not going to take away from the fact that I don't like it.
If you cannot express how you're feeling, and you are an adult, that is a sign of a much bigger problem. Communication is meant for expression, even if it's bad feelings, even if it's feelings the other person is not going to like, even if it's feelings the other person is going to get defensive about, they may not understand.
But if you can express it, that is real communication rather than trying to tighten it all up and say, no, you have to come to me.

Forget that.

All right.

Number one, you're not going to chase them.

Number two, you're going to use statements that call out their behavior without trying to elicit a response for them.

These sound like ignoring me, feels disrespectful. I'm going to step away from this conversation right now.
That kind of stuff. Leave it there.
Three, focus on you. Have a good day.
Have a good day. In fact, ending this podcast today, I'm going to tell you, I hope you have a very good day.
If you enjoyed today's podcast, I'm going to ask you, of course, to follow and subscribe. My new book, The Next Conversation, is out.
You can find copies below in the links in the show notes, as well as my school of communication. If you're looking for a place to continue on in your learning and use the methods that I'm teaching, put them into practice.
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The water is fine.

All right.