#2300 - Kyle Dunnigan

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You know who wrote that?

No.

Pop Quiz.

Who?

Very famous person wrote.

What is that from?

What show is that from? 70s. Yeah.
Begins with an S. Stanford and Son.
Yes. Who wrote it? You're not going to believe it.
Quincy Jones. Really? Yes.
And if you hear the whole song, it's a really good song. I used to love that show.
Stanford and Son was fucking great. It was funny.
It was funny, ridiculous. Red Fox was the man.
He was so funny on that. I actually didn't like that theme song.
Here we go. When I first heard it.
That was back when sitcoms were sitcoms. That one was like way, I felt like way better.
Three's Company sucks if you watch that now. That was like the number one sitcom.
Samson's still good. Yeah.
You know what's underrated that I really never gave a chance? Wait, I want to guess. Big Bang Theory.
Oh, fuck. Fuck, I fucked it up.
Sorry. I would have said Big Bang Theory.
It's a good show. I used to shit on it because I saw clips with, you know how you do retakes? Where they're not laughing.
No laughs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's, you know what that is? That's like retakes. When you work on a sitcom, sometimes you have to do pickups.
Yeah. I actually don't know, but yes.
Oh, you do pickups and nobody knows anymore. Nobody does it anymore.
Yeah. Miss Pat is like the only person I know with a sitcom.
Yeah, I couldn't name one sitcom. Think about all the comics we know.
I know one comic with a sitcom, Miss Pat, and it's on a streaming. It's on BET.
Yeah, and that was everything. When I was first starting, your whole thing was like you have to get a sitcom or you don't have any money.
Yeah, or you're never going to have a career because there was no way to get people to come see you in the clubs unless you had a special or unless you had a sitcom yeah and i remember zach galifianakis like it was pilot season remember that whole thing yeah that was huge like pilot season's coming up oh yeah everybody would be in town for pilots yeah yeah everybody would be like a special kind of anxious yeah Because your whole fucking career was laying on this moment where you walked into this room and there was these weirdos, these casting people. There were always really socially bizarre people.
And like tired and mad they've seen some people. And it's always a tiny room.
And dismissive. And they're the kings and you are a peasant begging for a bowl of soup.
Yeah. And when you walk in, they know they don't want you.
They also know you're broke. Yeah.
And you have that desperate energy. You want them to look, okay? Hi.
Hi, guys. I want you to like me.
Off-putting is what it is. Oh, death.
I didn't get any. I never got a sitcom.
I auditioned probably for 1,000. I don't know why someone didn't say, you're not good at this.
No one told me. You could have been on Big Bang Theory, ironically.
I could have been. You would have been a fucking major get for them.
I would have been a huge get for them. The show would have been a lot better.
I had actually, I did get one of them. What did you get? Now, this is a story.
Let me tell you this story. Okay.
So I go in, and you get like a callback, okay? Yes. and then you're like please like me then you're like call back and like oh they like me second call back now i get like real nervous like i'm like it it was a show happy family ever you hear that little nugget uh what year are we talking about 2003 a long time ago that guy larriquette that was on it.
Oh yeah. I remember him saying he was you know he's dropping on the set and he goes my friend Don told me that on my gravestone it should say it's not a great plot but larriquette's in it he told that funny joke boy so he was the John larriquette show was on the same lot as I was when I was filming news radio and Lenny Clark who's a good friend of mine forever Lenny was on that show and you know I'd run into Lenny in the parking lot we talked but we would watch their feed with John Larroquette would like yellow people that's you the feed is always they forget there's a feed yeah people were screaming about but no one had a cell phone back then you know we're talking in the 90s so this is probably 94 or something like that yeah yeah and it was a bizarre scene man i i never adjusted to being on television never did that's a good gig though i mean shit that was like yeah but i couldn't wait to not do it anymore once i did it really yeah and i had the best version of it i had the best version of it hilarious cast brilliant writers what was that the stress of it it was just like i just wanted to do stand-up you know it's just because you're getting a little famous and then you have eight lines yeah and you said they could do whatever you want and you're like blah blah blah listen as far as that was also the problems i knew i was never going to get another sitcom like news radio the other sitcoms that i read for were fucking garbage after that did they want you to do some something after yeah there was a few opportunities i had a couple of development deals to do stuff but then when fear factor came on my first thought was like yes no actors oh really yeah i didn't have to deal with like the whole thing like the whole thing of the schmoozing and the you know going to these award things and these parties and these press junkets that you had to do it's like i didn't like it yeah it just felt, I don't know.
It was just weird.

You know, I never auditioned for anything.

Like, I auditioned for a couple commercials in New York.

I auditioned for two shows ever.

Hardball.

We're going to get back to my larriquette story.

Don't think you've forgot.

Go to your larriquette story now.

No, no, I want to hear this.

I'm just, I want to say it out loud because I set up a story and then I didn't finish it.

So I got this show when I was living in New York.

It was called Hardball. And I came out here to LA.
Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, it was a baseball show.
I remember. Jim Brewer was in the pilot with me.
Mike Starr from Goodfellas was in it. I don't know that guy.
Bruce Greenwood, who was in Star Trek. He's been in everything.
He's a great actor. He was in it.
He was like the older pitcher that was like my nemesis terrible show terrible show like so bad i think i saw that guy so bad the intro of it or something i remember hardball yeah it lasted six episodes and then the other show that i got was news radio and it's the only other show i auditioned for it was just so i'm so everything else i auditioned for was like movies and stuff that i never got and there was a couple of shows after news radio was over that i auditioned for that i didn't get but it was just like the it was so bizarre so when i would go to these auditions for other things it wasn't that big a deal because i was already on news radio so it wasn't like if i didn't get these things it was like this would be okay but it was like still of that. Like, I had money and it was still like, oh, this is awful.
Like, this whole thing is so stressful and so weird. And everybody's so fucked up because you get a bunch of people that desperately want attention.
And then you go there to this place where you're surrounded by people who are desperately want attention in Hollywood. And then you have this one moment in front of these people and they're looking at you like this.
Okay, Kyle. Hi.
So you're reading for Bobby, correct? I love the script. So funny.
You know, Bobby's an athlete. Yeah.
No, I can do all the things. Whatever you say, I can do it.
I'm good at it. Right.
Okay. Tim here's going to read with you and Tim can barely read.
It's always like some PA.

He's probably on ketamine.

He can barely read.

And you have to pretend like you're having this emotive moment with Tim.

I'm so glad I don't have to do that.

Ugh.

It was the worst.

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But some people love it. Some people, look, man, we're comics.
Some people are actors. They fucking love it.
Like McConaughey, that fucking dude loves, like like pouring himself into a role get getting psychotic about who the character is that's i wish i if i could go back i wish i looked at those as like someone said this as like an opportunity to perform instead of like i'm trying to get something right i didn't i was just desperate like i had no money and i have to get this i will say though if you're on a sitcom that has really good writing It's fun as shit news radio was how you said you just got it How did you just just I had a development deal within NBC and they were gonna do I was gonna do my own show but they had a sitcom that they were already greenlit and Ray Romano was on it and Ray was like the maintenance guy and Ray got fired during the pilot Which is like the best thing that ever happened to him. He goes on to do the Rayburn.
Everybody loves Raymond. And it's fucking huge.
Bigger than news radio ever was. So like he gets fired.
And another guy got hired. And then he got fired.
So I didn't feel bad because I'm friends with Ray. I love Ray.
I bet you that part just was not good. It wasn't the actor's fault.
Because you audition and then. I don't know what it was.
It's like you never know what they want. Like when Paul, the guy who created it, Paul Sims, is this brilliant guy who worked on fucking Larry HBO.
Larry? Larry Sanders. Larry Sanders.
Thank you. He worked on Larry Sanders.
He was a brilliant, brilliant guy And he did a very clever thing

Like in the auditions

The first audition I read for

It wasn't funny

Like on purpose

They wanted to cut out all the people

Who were hamming it up

Right

I was like, oh my god

This writing is nothing

So I'm like, I don't know what this is

So like, you know

NBC asked me to go in and read for it

I memorized this stuff

And I was like, I don't even know what I'm saying

This doesn't make any sense

So I go in and I do it

It's like real flat

And I say, thank you

Thank you. don't know what this is so like you know the NBC asked me to go in and read for it I've memorized this stuff and I was like I don't even know what I'm saying this doesn't make any sense so I go in and I do it it's like real flat and I say thank you and also I have a callback and then they send me the callback sheets and it's hilarious and I was like oh whoa or to see if you could turn something because that was a thing that everybody hated was the hammy hammy sitcom actor come on Bobby what are you doing you're you That's really good.
I've seen a lot of those guys. So they wanted to avoid that and so then they had a callback and it was just me and two other guys.
And these two other guys looked like they just got back from Vietnam. They were sweating.
They were fucking pale in the face. That makes you confident, right? When you see someone nervous you're like, oh okay.
Super confident. I looked at these guys like, oh they can't handle pressure.
And I sat back in the face that makes you confident right when you see someone nervous you're like okay super confident i looked at these guys like oh they can't handle pressure and i sat back in the couch and put my feet up on the coffee table like a dickhead yeah you did yeah well i was waiting we're in the waiting room oh i thought you've been in the room i was looking at these guys panicking and i was like just us yeah yeah i got this i had i had just like a sketch show one of the rare things I got. And the guy, I was so out of my mind nervous.
And I could hear in the door this guy not doing good, panicking. And I just got calm.
And I was like, I got this. Isn't that nice? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, it's so good. Then the show got canceled.
Well, they all get canceled. Yeah, like 90% of them don't, maybe even more, right? Don't do the naked.
Most of them never make it to a second season. And definitely most of them never make it to a second season and definitely most of them never make a disindication they you know they go a few episodes and then you can't i was on oh go ahead no i'm just saying if the production company's not making money the network's not making money it's not getting ratings i was in a situation it was um um said with the entertainer presents it was a sketch show and it was like i was i remember that yeah i joined mid-season what What year is this? 2003.
And a big year for me. Wow.

So. It was a sketch show.
And it was like, I was so excited. I remember that.
Yeah, I joined mid-season. What year is this? 2003.
And a big year for me. So I get there mid-season.
They're like, we need a white guy to pick on. I was the token white guy.
And Louis C.K. was a writer.
It was like a great frickin' show. And he got into like a fight with the Fox.
Here's where I knew things were downhill i didn't sell my car i had a really and i'd pull up to like the good spots and it was like lamborghini you know and then and it wasn't just a shitty car from like the early 80s it was like i had another four accidents it was just a chunk and I just was like, and so broke in a tiny apartment.

I'm like,

let me just see if I can.

But it seemed like this is a hit show.

It was doing well.

Okay.

So that's like,

first thing,

first sign it was like,

Hey,

there's a Fox party tomorrow.

And I was like,

Oh cool.

I made it in Hollywood.

So I go to this thing and I'm like,

where's Cedric?

And they're like,

Oh,

he got into a big fight with the pet a Fox.

He told me he was,

he was a douchebag. Some, some fight.
And I'm like, that doesn Cedric? And they're like, oh, he got into a big fight with the head of Fox. He told me he was a douchebag.
So I'm fighting. I'm like, that doesn't sound like a good idea.
So I'm like, it'll be fine. So then we were about to go on right after American Idol, which was like the biggest show in the world.
So we're like, get ready for the rocket ship. and then this guy put Wanda's psych show, took Cedric off the air for like six weeks to put Wanda's psych show.
Not off the air, but like, yeah, took, moved the spot. So Wanda's show was after, and then Wanda's got amazing, you know, views, so it gave them an excuse to cancel Cedric, even though Cedric was a hit.
It was like a F you. Cedric seems like a nice guy yeah he was very cool nice to me so how what happened he did get on the phone during my audition though at one point I was in the middle of auditioning he was like yeah and it was kind of a casual call it was clearly like not an emergency but I just like power through but he was very cool good guy but there's a different like culture of stardom versus people that want to be on a show like you you're not the equal what do you mean like if you're auditioning for a show and the the guy who has the show is in the room there's this weird you know what is that number one in the sheet? There's a documentary about black actors.
It's not black actors. It's just actors, period, in general.
Like, I experienced that a lot in the news radio days with guys who were big movie stars. And they would, like, big time you in the weirdest way.
Like, you couldn't just say hi to them. You couldn't hang out with them.
There's a few guys that just, like, they were just really gross. And then there was guys like John Ritter, who was, like, the fucking nicest guy in the world to everybody.
Right. The nicest guy in the world.
Only hear good stories about John Ritter. Nicest guy in the world.
Camera people joking around with the makeup lady. Fun.
Heart attack. Died.
Young, man. I know.
Fucking young. Before the vaccine.
Young. No, he took it.
He was the first guy. He was such a sweetheart on the set.
Such a nice guy. I had, um, that Cedric show was also, I had like an episode where it was like my episode, you know, where it was like I had like three sketches I wrote that was gonna be you know, it was my big coming out.
And I literally came out, right? And I was like, what's going on, you guys? And shock and awe started. Remember the Iraq War? And it just was gone.
And I told everybody, like, that's my big show. And it just, that happened.
And then it just was over. And I was back.
I never sold my car. I was back to my studio apartment.
Couldn't you think that studio executives would be wise enough to go, look, we got Louis C.K.edric the entertainer we have a fucking show let's figure out a way to promote this correctly and it was funny it was just and it's so hard to make a funny sketch show they try to plop people together you need you know real synergy with the cast and the writers have to figure out how people are funny it takes like that's a while the first set of snl uh cast they already worked together and like that's why they were like gelled right away. I mean, one of the reasons.
But all these sketch shows they put together, and they'll say, don't pitch a sketch show. They never work.
It's because they like pluck people who don't even do sketch, you know. It's like putting together a boy band.
Exactly. Yeah.
You know, like you have to put together a fake band. Not a bunch of guys who grew up together in Seattle, been playing in the basement.
No. That works better, though.
Find some... Yeah, that works better.
Just put a bunch of hot dudes together. Get some good hair.
A bunch of hot as fuck guys. Let them Milli Vanilli it up.
Yeah. Remember those days? By the way, Milli Vanilli.
They got a bad deal. Not to change topics, but...
They got a bad rap. Like, now they'd be fine.
They'd be fine. No one cares if that's your voice.
You're hot. I love your dreadlocks.
Great. Great look.
Great bodies. Great bodies.
Dancing around. Great cocks.
Girl, I know it's true. Yeah, that's it.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. I do like their music.
I love you. No, you don't.
I do. I like that song.
They got you at the time. Remember there was the other one? There was a song.
God. It was like a big time band.
there was like this beautiful woman who was singing and it turned out it wasn't really her singing there was some big heavy lady who was actually singing uh always yeah it's always like a big millie vanilla is a big fat guy it was it was one of those fucking something factory what was the band They didn't sing? There was a situation like that, right? Wasn't there? I didn't know that. Jamie will find it.
Jamie finds everything. He knows everything.
Jamie hates me. No, he doesn't.
He loves you. We talked about you earlier today.
He was saying nice things. He talked shit about me.
He's bipolar. I know.
He got hit by a golf ball. Yeah, I saw his.
He's so cool. I want that.
I was watching him. He's got that really cool golf set back there.
I want to get one of them. Jamie can golf his ass off.
I have a buddy who got hit in the head with a golf ball. He said he was fucked up for six months.
Oh, really? He got hit in the head with a line drive. Just dunk.
I hit a kid with a golf ball. He was all right, though.
Luckily, I didn't get a good swing on him. I see those guys that do those power swings on the internet.
Like where they loop their arm around and fucking drive through. Yeah, yeah.
So imagine you're getting hit with one of those balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like getting hit with a fucking shotgun shooting a rubber bullet at you. Yeah, yeah.
They're really... Yeah, if you get a nice skull worm burner, you could kill a duck if you just, Really? You ever see those videos of Jesus' head just snapping? No, but you ever see that one where the pitcher catches the bird in mid-flight? Yes.
Amazing. Crazy.
It's like, what are the odds that it would perfectly be there when it's a hundred mile an hour pitch? Who was that? Was that Randy? Yeah. Was it? Randy's his last name? Randy Johnson.
Randy Johnson. The big unit.
He was so tall. He was like halfway to the thing.
Oh, no. Martha Wash, most famous unknown singer of the 90s speaks.
How a voice behind It's Raining Man, Gonna Make You Sweat and Strike It Up, went from being a bullied victim to an industry pioneer. So which song was it? The CNC Music Factory song? Gonna Make You you sweat, CNC Music Factory.
She's cute. Why didn't they give her a shot? I don't know.
I didn't even know what CNC Music Factory looks like. Were they good looking? They probably were.
Well, that was the move back then. You get good looking people.
They dance around. Now you just get AI to do it.
Well, this was the first time where they were experimenting really with images in a way where everything's visual. It's all video.
You know, like MTV was so important. Oh, my God.
It was so important. I like the ugly years of musicians.
Gonna make you sweat the same song as Everybody Dancing. Oh, that's it.
Everybody. Oh, God.
That reminds me of college. So that's it.
So some other lady in the video was singing it, but that lady was the real voice behind it.

But she just didn't look like they wanted her to look.

Uncredited vocals on the chorus.

Which is just so crazy.

Like, look what's happening with Lizzo.

You don't think that would have happened in 1994?

Of course it would have, if you just tried it.

Eh, I bought it.

That reminds me of college.

I went to school for acting, which is the dumbest thing you can ever go to school for. What did you nothing honestly i learned to be a worst actor i really do believe that it was like shakespeare and stuff like i'm terrible at that all my teachers thought i was just terrible and they did this one class athletes have to be very careful about how they treat their bodies something everyone wants to do actually right so it's no surprise that they're very particularly about what they eat and drink.
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Literally,

it was called Movement for the Actor.

Now imagine like your parents,

my parents paid for college,

it was so nice of them,

I don't have any debt,

but like what a waste

of my parents' money.

It was,

this is an hour class,

Movement for the Actor.

So they'd put on music,

like everybody at Dance Dance

was one of the things.

And then you're supposed to just

creatively do whatever.

So these are a bunch of weirdos.

Like $50,000.

So I'm in my head like,

what the fuck?

This doesn't make me a bad,

so you're fake.

And then this teacher was like,

we're doing Shakespeare.

He's like, bring in tights next week for the Shakespeare, your performance. And I'm like, I'm not buying tights and coming in here with tights.
Like, why would I have to do that? Because back then, they dressed in their normal clothes. You know what I mean? When Shakespeare wrote the thing, they were just in their clothes.
It wasn't like getting me in tights to do Hamlet. So I just didn't gets and he's like where's your tights he's like this like very effeminate guy who hated me and uh he goes he goes where are your tights kyle and i was like oh i forgot my tights he's like make sure you bring your tights next week and i was like okay so next week no tights and i go oh i forgot my tights like darn it i wish i brought my tights oh yeah i was like oh that's probably your best actor.
Brought my tights. And I go, oh, I've got my tights.
I was like, darn it. Is that how you said it? Yeah, I was like, oh.
That's probably your best acting. I brought my tights, yeah.
I was really good at acting like I wanted to bring my tights. So he goes, get mine.
They're in the back. So these green tights.
Oh, that had been hugging his balls. Yeah, I had to put them on.
I looked like Kermit the Frog because my legs are the size of a 12-year-old Korean girl. And I came out with my...
It was disgusting. Kermit the Frog.
Yeah, I looked like Kermit. Yeah.
By the way, and I did tell him, I said, listen, because I tried to negotiate before I put his tights on. I'm like, but they just wore their clothes back then.
And he was like, get the tights. Like, I want to see you in tights brian callum was always going to acting schools and he knew they were ridiculous but i don't i think like brian at one point in time was like completely enamored with the idea with being in in hollywood like he had a bunch of like famous actor friends and he'd go to famous actor parties and he'd take acting classes he's always working on his craft i love that working on my craft by the way but he was bullshitting he was he was aware he was fucking around like when he would say working on my craft he wasn't being serious he was completely joking yeah he's very so he had this teacher that was i think it was a scientology hustle too it was one of those things there was a lot of that particularly in the 90s oh yeah the teachers were scientologists insert by the way there's not to pick on Scientology insert whatever religion there's a there was a lot of Scientology that was in Hollywood though but what they would do is they would get people to join the acting class and they would try to recruit them into Scientology because the teacher was a Scientologist you talked about how important it was you never tried to be in Scientology yeah yeah how important was for his craft.
Meanwhile, they're never successful. The people that are teaching the acting classes, they're always terrible.
Yeah. They never go anywhere.
Maybe they have a small part on one thing, and then they're going to tell you how to make it. Yeah, you never hear that speech to the Oscars.
You didn't even apply it to your own life. When I was a teacher, I didn't think I'd ever be.
Not to say there's not good acting teachers out there. I'm sure there are.
There's people that just love theater. They love that kind of act.
They have no desire to be famous. They love the craft.
They love the art of it That's that's true, too, right? But anyway this guy he was really into show tunes and he would do a big show You know the end of the class or whatever in the quarter whatever it was He had this big show at this local theater and Brian's like you have to come and watch a guy with the tiniest feet you've ever seen in your life he had these little i couldn't take my eyes off his feet because he had loafers on and they were like that big and this guy would sing like so passionately these show tunes from like musicals like there's no context you don't you didn't see the musical like a medley like a medley of show i love that sounds like a great show. Like there's no context.
You know, he didn't see the musical.

Like a medley,

like a review.

A medley of show tunes.

I love that.

Sounds like a great show.

Wait,

you came there for his,

to see his feet?

That was like the why you went there?

No,

Brian was like fascinated

by how small his feet were.

And then I couldn't stop

because we were high

so I couldn't stop looking at his feet.

That's not that small,

that?

No,

they were tiny.

They were like size five.

That seems like a,

that's like,

they were little,

little tiny feet.

I had a date of this girl once

and she was like, I have a shoe show. I'm a shoe model, right? And I'm like, oh, a shoe show.
A shoe model? Yeah, foot. A foot model.
Like she would model shoes. Okay, like open-toed shoes? I just would have, like I didn't know.
But that's what she would say. She was going to do this.
And she always had like dollar bills. She always had cash, you know? And I found out years later, she was a stripper.

Shoe show is when you have no clothes on. And I just thought she was a shoe.
Oh, by the way, here's another. I thought it was going another direction.
I thought guys were paying to jerk off to her feet. Maybe.
She had great feet. But another stoop, this was even the dumber class than the moving around class, was Interpretation for the Actor.
Oh. So this week,

you would read a play

like Streetcar Named Desire

and then you'd come in

and you'd do

your interpretation of it.

So the weirder you were,

the better grade you got.

Oh, boy.

So one guy comes

and he did Streetcar

and he put,

there was a big mirror,

you know,

because there was also

a dance room

and he took a lipstick and he wrote whore within lipstick. This is so deep.
If you know what streetcar name is. Yeah.
So deep. Then he pulled his pants down, started fucking the mirror.
And then he turned to us and he goes, fuck you. And he left.
And then everyone started clapping. And I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.
Listen to what I, so I'm like,

because I got like a D on my,

whatever I did. So I'm like, I'm going to be fucking weird

my next, I didn't read any

of the things. I like, I have trouble reading.

I don't know how to read.

I just never learned.

So

I got,

Glass Menagerie is my book.

Didn't read it. Whatever.

I just went in there. I got an egg.

Okay. And I had a

Thank you. I got Glass Menagerie is my book.
Didn't read it. Whatever.

I just went in there.

I got an egg.

Okay.

And I took one of my mother's Waterford crystal glasses and a string.

And I took the string and I was just like, nobody sails the seas if they don't find their way.

Then I clipped the string and the glass fell and broke. Then I went outside could see and I buried an egg it makes no fucking sense and then the guy said what grade do you think you should get and I said an A and he gave me an A that was my college work he's brilliant by the way I'm working on my craft by the way are you really working like when you work Meryl Streep was an amazing actress when she was 20, and she's amazing now.
She never... Are you working four hours a day getting better at acting? No.
You're not... You're not training.
There's a little bit you can kind of learn, but you're done after a little bit. If you're not Daniel Day-Lewis already...
Fucking love that guy. Yeah.
If you're not that guy already, you're probably never going to be able to do that. They talk like they're working their piano skills all day and four days.

You're crap.

You know the problem what we did was is we were like, we, not me at all, but when they were like, oh, let's make some more money.

We'll have an award show and then we'll make money.

That's why there's the Oscars.

Is there famous?

Oh, yeah.

But the actors thought we're doing something really great.

The Oscars are like the Olympics for actors.

Yeah.

And it's, I mean, the Olympics, at least you're like, I don't know, doing something you can quantify.

But like a nine-year-old won an Oscar.

Like how, like a nine-year-old like best surgeon.

It's like, it's a thing you can do or kind of can't do. There's little bit of learning but certainly not movement for the actor or it's not brain surgery no it's not working on your craft it's not even like painting it's not even like when you crunch a ball you throw into a basket like at work it's the skill is like well it's one of the few it's one of the few careers where it's a benefit to be out of your fucking mind.
Yeah, it's about personal. We love the person.
Jeff Goldblum. Love that guy.
Christopher Walken. Jack Nicholson.
Amazing. There's amazing actors.
You like the people who party. Yeah.
Crazy wild people. You know, the story behind it to be.
Yeah. I miss Jack Nicholson.
Oh, old Jack he was the just he was the best there's him flirt with Jennifer Lawrence never

see that video no how old was he at the time a thousand he was 1,000 wait Jamie

do you have that I don't mean to run this show but it's a it's a good schooling

on like he's so cool and this girl's way too young for him but um if you want to talk politics we can thank you yeah you're being really rude good to see you oh my god thank you I love to. Oh, my God.
Thank you. I loved all your movies.
Oh, really? Do I look like a new girl? I thought about it. I thought about it.
Do you think that... I thought about it.
So it became flirtatious, but it was mostly just complimentary about her movie. What movie was he stayed cool and he just he makes that eye contact and then it's like you need crazy people to make she was flirting actually probably she flirted with him yeah you need crazy people to make good movies you need it you need a guy who's gonna pretend he's lincoln for four months yeah that go there will be blood i just saw oh my god phenomenal what's that i drink it up for it.
What was it? Silver Linings Playbook I think her and Bradley Cooper I didn't see that one I drink your milkshake Oh my god, it was so good He was such a great psychopath If I read that movie, I think I'd be like, this is boring There Will Be Blood is just Right, I'll drink your milkshake, what? At the end, he's talking to that guy who's religious, who's like, can I have some of your, and he's like, no, there's no more oil under you. He's like, I drank it up.
And he just made the analogy of a straw, like drank up his thing, and then he beats him with a bowling pin. He's like, I'm finished.
One of the best endings to a movie. Yeah, it fucked up movie so that's a different thing you know that kind of acting for me to take it out of the ground listen listen listen i paid him ten thousand dollars cash in hand he has his own company now prosperous little business three wells producing five thousand dollars a week.
Why is this dude crying already? He needs money. He got broke.
And he's coming back to like beg him. You're just afterbirth, Eli.
No. Slithered out on your mother's filth.
No. They should have put you in a glass jar, a mantelpiece.
Where were you when Paul was suckling at his mother's teeth? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli? None of Bandit's sows? That land has been had. Nothing you can do about it is gone.
It's had. If you would just take this lease, Daniel.
Drain it! Dream Cut to the part where he kills him.

Is it in there?

No, they cut it up. Don't blame me, Daniel.
So good. Choices, they say in school.
It's the choices you make in your performance. It's also you got to be out of your fucking mind.
You got to be able to become that guy. I know, but then...
Most people can't do that. Most people can't lie that good.
Yeah, I mean, he becomes those people where... Becomes them.
But to live with that guy would be probably a nightmare during that movie. Oh, would be a nightmare.
Imagine if that guy's your roommate. Who ate my cheese? My Cheerios.
I ate them up. All day long, he's a murderous psychopath.
And what if he slips into character too much? What if he lights your house on fire just to stay in character? At least he does back it up. Do you know what I mean? He hasn't done anything too crazy.
Well, there's a lot of people that do that. They play a brawler and they start fights with people on the streets.
People get crazy with film roles, with who they become. Yeah, who was that guy? But that's how you got a great movie.
Who was that guy? Christian Bale? Jared Leto was sending people stuff, I think, as the Joker. Jared Leto was doing weird shit when he was the Joker.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like when they go too far with it.
Might have been rumors too, but... Yeah, the Batman guy, remember that whole thing where he was screaming at the guy for getting in the way of his lighting or something? No, this guy was moving around in the background.
It was distracting. And he's like, aren't you a fucking professional? Remember that? Yeah.
Cause he was in like some heavy scene. Yeah.
But that does happen, man, where people don't pay attention and they're on their phone and they're fuck off in the background. And they're right in the eyeline.
The thing that I found interesting about that was his accent didn't, because he kept an American accent when he was screaming, so. Interesting.
I found that quite interesting, yes, indeed, yes. That guy's another fucking amazing actor.
Another amazing actor. What was that psycho movie, American Psycho? So good.
Insane. But the craziest thing he ever did was when he almost died, making that Machinist movie.

Got down to like 120 pounds. Oh, almost that can help.
He played a guy with narco. It's a terrible movie.
Not terrible. I never heard of it.
It's just not very good. But I mean, to have a guy who's like a leading man and almost die for a movie that no one saw.
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I almost got, I got a movie that was like the only, it was right in between, it was Walking Phoenix's movie. It was so bad.
The only movie I ever got. And it was between the Joker and and the neck it was like set up to be this big movie it was gus van zant movie and i to get the i was a doctor i had to say all these like crazy things technical about the spine and the and i knew if i could just get through this audition and just say this i'll get this part i'll be in the top 10 because's going to fuck up this and be staring at a piece of paper.
Right.

So I did the whole script.

I had like,

when I tap here,

say this,

I had a whole thing

that made me memorize it.

And I went and I got it.

I go to do the thing.

No one talks to me.

The guy,

the wardrobe guy goes,

what outfit you want?

He showed me a couple.

I was like,

this one,

I'm choosing the outfit of this doctor.

I was like, okay. And then never saw gus vanzant and then i get there and they go just when they say action go in there and then do your scene there was no blocking or anything and i'm like okay and i've never done a movie before and i'm like this is how i don't think this is how you do it.
So they're like, and they go, go.

So I go in there, and I'm like,

he's see a column, and he's doing this whole thing.

And Gus Van Zandt comes up after me.

He goes, have we met before?

I auditioned like three times for him,

and I got the part.

And I'm like, yeah.

And he goes, you're talking over Joaquin.

And I go, oh, don't talk over Joaquin. I couldn't hear Joaquin Phoenix at all because he was just like, I assume I'm not doing his lines like that, you know.
And I wouldn't think as the doctor talking to like assistants that I would stop talking in the middle of my sentences while he's talking because he was talking to himself. But it was the weirdest thing.
Terrible movie. Was he playing an insane person? He was crippled was is that pc is we say that he couldn't he couldn't move his legs it was the guy he was a cartoonist i'm blanking on the name of the movie but um he was a cartoonist and it was this like biopic and um i uh was it was a very weird experience but the movie anyway my point is is terrible.
It's a terrible movie, but you thought it was, it was a very weird experience, but the movie, anyway, my point is, is terrible.

It's a terrible movie, but you thought it was going to be a banger.

Thought this was your shot. No, because at this point in my career, like the shock and all, like these things happen to me over and over again where I'm just like kind of laughing at it.

And it's like, uh, okay.

I remember I was, I was, uh, yeah.

There's been a bunch of situations where like, get ready for the rocket ship, Kyle, because things are about to take off. And I'm always like, okay.
Oy. Yeah.
The old rocket ship. Isn't that funny? Like, everybody wants to.
It's just the weird anxiety of not knowing if it's going to work out for you. Such a terrible place to be.
Like, that's where the real making it is. The real making it is just not worrying about that anymore.
The real making it is just like i can make a living that's the real that's a big hump yeah that's the hump that's the hump like whenever i tell like young comics that are just starting to like headline now and you know they've got some like viral clips i'm like dude listen to me you have already made it like you're a professional now this is the hump everything now is just stick to the grind stick to the it's gravy from here on out like you should be so happy you're talented and you're successful it's actually happening people are paying to come see you i'm like you got this like from here because everyone's like man what if they stop coming what are they like don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't give it to that you should have fun any of that. You should have fun.
Have fun. They want you to have fun.
Come on. They like you now.
It's almost your job is to have fun. Your job is to have fun.
I wish someone told me, because I really did not get this advice for a long, long time. Some people that are super successful still don't do that.
There's guys out there that are super successful that are paying attention to the ticket sales of other super successful guys and comparing themselves. That's not a good place to be that oh really oh yeah that's mental illness kooky yeah they get kooky with like numbers and their position in the ladder and am i making it is it happening what does their name rhyme with i'm not telling you jamie knows i could tell by the i like them too I like a lot of people that think ridiculous things.
But it's a trap that the struggle that led you to become successful at something in the first place, that becomes your mentality once you're in a different stage of it. And you have to adjust.
It's hard to change. You've got to be able to adjust.
It's almost like changing your personality to change that habit. I mean, it's really difficult.
Well,, everybody adjusts a little bit right because you first get into it because you want attention Like you first get into it because you think maybe I could be a comedian. That'd be cool.
I'd be on stage I get attention and then after That you don't need that. That's not what you really want anymore.
Like Danny becomes like I just wanted to get better I just want I'm working on this thing. I just want it work I want it to pop on stage I want to figure out the right beats I want to figure out the right way to say it then it becomes that and once it becomes that that's the happy spot that's where you're happy when you can just create stuff you just you know like I was together I wish someone told me that cuz I had a viral of some viral YouTube videos like way back and And I did, I was still on like sitcom.
I kind of get a sitcom mentality where if someone was just like, dude, focus on your YouTube and get your audience go directly to your audience. Yeah.
But back then no one knew. No one had any idea.
Like, just think about this podcast was started in 2009. And in 2009, everybody thought it was a pathetic waste of time.
Yeah, I remember. Like, friends would come over to do my podcast and be like, what are you doing? Like, why are you doing this? It's like, it's such a waste of time.
You're on a fucking webcam. But nobody saw that comment.
Did you? I would have never given you that advice back then. Did you just do it? You did it because it was enjoyable.
Just fun. You weren't, like, thinking, like, this is the way.
I always wanted a radio show, but no one would ever give me a radio show. So when I would do radio shows, like if I would sit in on Opie and Anthony, I'd be like, this is so fun.
I'd love to do something like this, but no one's going to give me one of these fucking things. That's how I thought about it.
And so when I saw Anthony Cumia started doing this thing live from the compound, he would do it in his basement where he'd play karaoke with a machine gun he's out of his mind he's drunk he's got like full beer kegs on tap there he's they're drinking guinness and he's fucking doing karaoke where he's holding a machine gun it was most ridiculous shit but he had a full professional studio where he had green screen he had like pro microphones just in his basement for funsies yeah he's did it for fun and i was like that, that's what I want to do. I'll do something like that for fun.
And then, of course, Tom Green. Like you go to Tom Green for that internet show in his living room.
And I remember looking around and going, you just got to figure out how to make money with this. Like this is a job.
Like this can. That's nice.
You knew you wanted to do that. Wow.
It just seemed like fun. That's the whole.
Like I always loved the opportunity to talk to interesting people or funny people or you know i i'm a questioner i like to ask questions like how do you how did you know that why'd you do that you found the right thing yeah i just got it's just like the opportunity to talk to cool people seems like what a great thing that would be because it's always fun to talk to cool people like you like if i was ever on those shows and i like ran into someone who was interesting i was like wait how'd you start this like what do you yeah you having a lot of interest help oh for sure yeah but back then i would have told you to get a sitcom because there was none no money on youtube everybody still wanted a sitcom back then the other one guy who didn't and I was like he's lying Zach Galifianakis was like I don't want to do a sitcom and in my head I'm like oh he's lying but he actually had like a very he had his head together yeah he's not lying about nothing I mean that guy he's the least attention whorey of any famous favorite famous person never famous funny person ever not at all doesn't he live like yeah he does he has like a track yeah very every interesting guy very smart guy very smart he was uh good friends with brody and uh he was one of the first people to alert me when brody was off the meds like there was a time when brody was off his meds do you remember that mm-hmm people don't know we're talking about our late great friend Brody Stevens who is like that funny he was so fun that Brody Stevens is like one of the best examples of like it's not what's written on paper yeah you wouldn't yeah right if you got his act on paper you like this is not gonna right you'd be like this is nonsense this doesn't make any sense at all meanwhile everyone's lining up in the back of the room to see him say it so yeah I think it's like that Andy Kaufman of our like little time period there where he was like any coffin was a brilliant actor and a brilliant comedic actor who's great on taxi but he I don't think he ever killed on stage like Brody did Brody was one time we were in the oh. Oh, yeah, a different type of comedy.

But it was like, you know, a different, when he was on stage, like people, the comedians watched him. Yes.
It was a different thing. He's doing his own thing.
He's doing this Brody Stevens thing. One time we were at the improv, and it's really late.
Like, I'd gone up. A lot of people had gone up.
The crowd was kind of tired. Half the people there.
And they announced that Brody's there, and Brody's worried that people are going to get up. So Brody takes his shirt off and he starts swinging it around in the air over his head and walking through the crowd.
Let's go! Positive energy! And he gets on stage and he pulls drumsticks out of his back pocket, starts beating the chairs, and he starts talking shit. And he just changed the energy of the whole room.
Changed the energy of the whole room. And I don't think there's anybody, like, since him, I can't think of somebody who's, like, replaced.
Someone will replace that, but. They're going to do it in their own way.
You got to go, like, you have Brody's on stage. You have to go watch.
Holtzman's like that now. Holtzman? Oh, I don't know him.
Brian Holtzman? You don't know Brian Holtzman? No. Oh, my God, dude.
I stay in my house a lot. Oh, my God.
You let him stay at your house and you don't even know him? No, I say I stay at my house. You've never seen Holtzman at the Comedy Store? No.
That's crazy. You know what?

I might have been just didn't know his name. Well, he would always gone late at night and

unfortunately, you know, there would be like 15 people left in the crowd and Holtzman would go on these wild rants.

He's like one of the funniest guys of all time. He's so he's like a complete total comics comic.

Oh, yeah. I don't know him well.
Holtzman's at our club now all the time. All the time.
But now he has a crowd. Now people know about him.
So they come to see him. You cannot go there.
If anything, if you can't tolerate literally everything, don't go. Is he very dirty? It's not dirty.
It's just he's out of his fucking mind. And it's kind of in character, but you're not really sure.
I like that. Mitzi Shore wouldn't let him on stage for two weeks after 9-11.
She wouldn't let him up. He can't go up.
He's like, Mitzi, I don't understand. I'm not going to cross any lines.
He was like, couldn't wait to cross lines lines Do you remember when Susan Smith That lady drowned her kids The day He's on stage ladies and gentlemen I heard those are bad kids I heard they sat that close to the TV They didn't put away their blocks They always spilt their fucking milk Those kids are not gonna be missed What did the audience do did the audience do die die hollywood comedy store sunset yeah tuesday night or whatever it was 1 a.m they went nuts everybody went nuts yeah yeah but that was holtzman holtzman got these late spots so he would say the wildest most insane shit but also have a really good point half the time like it was comedy wrapped up in a point and then every now and let you in on it, like, that it was just fucking around, and you'd go right back to it! Yeah, yeah. And, you know, it's a little dance he's doing with the crowd, and you gotta know what the dance is.
But if you know what the dance is, like, comics love him. Like, whenever he's on stage, we sit in the balcony and watch Holtzman at the mothership.
It sounds like that other guy who's older and blanking on his name. Don Barris?

Nope.

He's like,

what are you people doing here at this tower?

Oh, Louis Black?

No.

Jesus, who are you talking about?

He's at the store.

Eddie Pepitone?

Eddie Pepitone.

Eddie Pepitone.

Eddie's great.

I love that guy.

Oh yeah, he's great too.

Very similar in a lot of ways,

like just insane energy

and has a point,

but is also completely wacky. Yeah.
I love how long careers can be. He's a sweetheart of a guy, too.
He's a sweetheart of a guy, too. Pepitone.
Yeah, he is. I think he started late.
I think Eddie started a little late. I think so.
At least I wasn't aware of him until later. It's good we have a long career.
Like, imagine, I was thinking about the sports guys, about the sports guys. You're a baseball player and that's your identity.
And then you're 30 and you're like... It's over.
You can go to maybe 40. Look, Tom Brady, still playing football.
What was he, like 42 when he retired? Still, that's youngish to have. Young as fuck if you're a comic.
If your identity is I'm a sports player. I'm like a sports player.
That's how much I know. I just revealed what a good big sports guy I am.
A sports player. You're a sports player.
An athlete makes a ton of money for a very short amount of time. That's why they all go broke.
Or not all of them, but a large amount of them go bankrupt. It's also just like you think about your identity when you're a kid and you probably get all that you know identity as a as an athletic person then you become like a professional and must be difficult to just you have to really never hook into that like that's my identity it's also like if you're a really hot woman i think it's hard when you know you gotta like not have that be your identity can't be your whole thing because one day it's gonna go away you're an athlete, it goes away even quicker than being a hot lady.
Like there's hot ladies that are in their 50s. They're still hot.
They maintain their looks. Hot ladies in the 50s.
They work out. They take care of their skin.
But there's no like super athletes that are in their 50s. Like they don't exist.
What about? Not at a professional level. Hold on.
Let me think. Go ahead.
It's not possible.

I know athletes.

Give me a second here.

There's one guy I can tell you that did it into his 50s.

Bernard Hopkins.

He played golf?

No, he was a boxer.

World champion boxer.

Oh, a boxer in their 50s?

Multiple division world champion boxer was beating world champions at 50 years old.

Did Tyson, was he full on going full on?

I don't know.

I'm not Mike Tyson.

You don't know?

But I would say by the tone of my voice voice you can sense a little bit of skepticism yeah anybody who's a combat sports athlete looked at that and said you know i'm happy mike tyson made money it seemed like he held back a little bit but maybe there was an agreement i wasn't there that would be i doubt i'm not one for wild speculation. No, you're not.
No, you don't get involved in anything. Gordie Howell was playing until he was 69 years old in 276 days.
Who is that? He played one extra game. Gordie Howell.
Gordie Howell. Great.
Soccer? Hockey? Hockey. He was 69? Yeah, I mean, he wasn't in the NHL at that point, but he played a professional hockey game at that age, yeah.
That's insane. Hey, Joe, can I have a cigar? I want to

look manly. I need

something to look manly.

Let me get some freshies out of the humidor.

You look very manly. I mean, I thank you,

but sometimes I look in the mirror

and I'm like, that guy looks old.

Kelly Slater, also pro surfer,

still rolling.

I'm going to look ridiculous. Kelly's a great example.
He's another example of someone who just takes care of themselves But Bernard Hopkins was What was like Bernard Hopkins World championship Fight that he had when he was in his 70s Albert Hughes is the oldest Pro boxer at 70 years old Oh my god Where seems where is he out of what year I know Archie Moore who was a famous boxer before the Muhammad Ali days like Archie Moore was that's like way back in the video of it I don't know what oh that's no, no. The guy he's fighting does not look like he's trying to hit him.
He wins. The old guy wins? That's what the video headline says.
This guy's not trying. This looks like someone took a motherfucking dive.
Win over. That kid needed money.
Yeah, this kid's not punching back at all. He's just covering up.
This looks super sus. If I was that, oh, and he just goes down? Yeah.
If I was the athletic commission, I'd have a talk with those fellows What are we doing is this pro wrestling white Tyson? Yeah, 36 years after his last fight Well, I do know that people have been offered fights that are fake fights like they've been you do know that perfect 100% I know people have been offered fights where they said you will win the fight That's I don't like that at all I know there's celebrity boxing matches and celebrity fights that are like that where they make a deal Would you ever do a legit fight at some point? No, I'm old as fuck dude. No, dude, you're chicken spring chicken No, you shouldn't do that kind of stuff as you get older I don't think I don't think your body's as resilient Even resilient.
Even if you stay fit and in shape, you don't want head trauma in your 50s. I've hit my head so many times in my life, I'm a little worried about it.
So Hopkins broke his own record by winning the IBF light heavyweight title from Tavares Cloud in 2013. And again, in 2014, we won the WBA super title from Bayboot Shumanoff at ages 48 and 49.
That's fucking crazy. So he wins two titles, a title at age 48 and a title at age 49.
Incredible. Are those rigged? No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, the way that he would box was super intelligent. Like he was very defensively minded.
You didn't get clean shots off on Bernard Hopkins he was he was very clever and he understood boxing like at a very very like deep level his footwork was always on point never drank never smoked always took care of his body ate only organic food worked out every day never got shape, just all discipline. And so he was able to maintain his body.
Did you ever have that guy Brian- Did I do that? What the hell is this? Oh, what the fuck? It's not working? Piece of shit. These things die.
That is a piece of shit. No way.
Here it goes. Have you had that guy- I'm going to look ridiculous doing this.
No, you look like a man. I think more of you know.
Thanks, man. Joe said, I look like a man.
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Wouldn't that be funny if that's all it takes? I didn't even like that.

No, I did not.

Until I started you.

Come on, bitch.

I think I have to fill it.

Yeah, I only got a corner.

Have you had that guy on

who's trying to live forever, the vampire?

No, I haven't.

I'm really fascinated with that guy.

I like what he's doing.

He's trying.

It's kind of interesting,

but he's doing a bunch of stuff

that I would say most experts believe

is not the way to go.

One of them is avoiding sunlight.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're supposed to get sunlight like sunlight is important for your body it's the best way your body produces vitamin d it's great for your endorphins sunlight is good for you this idea that you should be shielded from the sun because you're going to prevent skin cancer that's it's probably that i've talked to a dermatologist about this and they were explaining that if you don't have resilience from the sun, if you're not used to going out in the sun, then you go out all in one burst and get sunburned. He's like, yeah, sunburn is not good for you.
I got burned. He goes, you're damaging your skin.
What you should do is get accustomed to being in the sun so you don't get fucking sunburned. And then be out in the sun.
Don't get cooked. Don't spend the whole day out in the sun and get cooked.
But being out in the sun is actually good for you. It's healthy for your body.
Yes. That's just one thing.
The other thing is the vegan thing. I get it if it's for ethical concern.
You've got this idea in your mind that animal life is more important than plant life and you don't want to contribute to animal death. Okay.
I understand that perspective, but not from a health perspective. From a health perspective, all the studies that show that, you know, meat causes this, it's all been debunked.
And not only that, most of them are these epidemiology studies where they ask people like, how often do you eat meat? Is it two times a week, three times a week, four times a week? And the more people that ate meat, the more people you see diseases, more people you see problems, all these health consequences. And so they go, oh, meat correlates to these health consequences.
What you don't ask them is, how did you eat the meat? Is it a Jack in the Box burger with a fucking giant Coca-Cola? Did you have fries that were cooked in seed oil? Did you eat cake with it? What did you do? Do you smoke cigarettes? How often do you drink? Do you drink every night? Okay. People that are more health conscious, especially if they haven't read into it enough where they really understand what's nutrient dense and what causes problems with your health and what are the real issues with high sugar diets.
Those people, they hear meat is bad. So they say, you know what? I'm just going to eat vegetarian.
It seems like it's healthier. I'm just going to eat lentils.
They're good for you. They don't cause cancer.
I read about the China diet. And so you start believing that.
But that's not really true. And people have eaten meat since literally the beginning of time.
And 95% of the planet eats meat. There's a bunch of things that likely contribute to all sorts of metabolic diseases that people have.
I don't think regular meat is one of them. I don't think a grass-fed steak and a fucking salad is going to kill you.
I think the real issue is buns and fries and soda and chips and cookies. And the people that don't avoid eating meat, if they're not well-read about it, they're doing it because they don't give a fuck.
I'm going gonna eat a burger because i want to eat a burger you know so you get a lot of that so in the people that avoid meat you get like a healthy user bias because these are people that even if it's not correct i know people that truly believe that you can become a better athlete on a vegan diet i'm like okay but there's no pros who have ever done that no pros have gone vegan and been, especially at an explosive sport. There's only like a few people out there.
Like there's a guy named Martin Bacolet. Do you know who he is? Of course, Martin Bacolet from the Cincinnati Red Dogs.
No, you're making it up. Martin Bacolet is one of the best heavyweight boxers in the world.
He's this fucking enormous guy. I think he's...
I don't remember what part of Africa he's from. He might be Congolese.
He's a monster. And he's a vegetarian.
Vegetarian. Fucking people up.
It's kind of crazy. Like one of the best heavyweight boxers of life.
Huge guy. And he's a vegetarian.
It's an aberration though. In vegetarian you can still eat eggs.
Eggs are probably as good as anything. If you want to eat, like, one protein and, you know, simple, easy to digest, has everything, eggs are pretty fucking solid.
I eat eggs, like, every day. I actually tried to night eat meat for a while, a few years ago.
And you need, like, a nutritionist with you to really make sure you cover that. Yeah, you got to get all your vitamins correctly, and then you got to make

sure you're not taking

too many vitamins, and which ones are

water-soluble, which ones are fat-soluble.

I just

caught myself in the camera here.

I look ridiculous smoking this cigar.

You look like a man.

I like you more this way.

Hide those things from people. You shouldn't be able to look at yourself.
It's bad for you. I love it.
I love that. Oh.
Yeah. Joe just turned the camera off.
It's just like reading the comments. Don't do it.
By the way, you know these young'uns, these young kids. Let me go lecture.
Oh, these young boys. Yeah, I was at one point where I...
What about John Larroquette? Are you ever going to get to that? We'll get to it. Let's not rush that story.
Let the podcast breathe for a second. Okay.
And then we'll... So these young kids now...
I noticed this... Women will do this.
They'll be like... People say, I light up the room.
This woman told me this. Who ever says people say I light up the room

that actually lights up the room?

That's what it's like.

People say I'm funny.

But I've noticed like the young people,

they tell you compliments they got.

And I'm like, why is this?

Because for our area, you never say like, I'm great.

People think I'm great.

You never would say that.

But now, this is my theory.

I don't know if this is true.

They've grown up on Facebook where people say, you look so pretty, and then everyone sees the compliment. And now when they go out in the world and they get a compliment, then they're like, oh, I let people know my compliment.
Everyone sees the compliments. That's probably exactly what it is.
That's my theory. That's a very good theory.
I think that's dead on. I'm writing a book about it.
You should. Make sure you do the audio yourself.
I have no merch. Yeah, I'm definitely going to do'm definitely...
You don't have any merch? No merch. You should have Caitlyn Jenner

merch. Yeah, baby!

Yeah, baby.

That was when I knew Comedy Central was doomed.

You and I were talking. Yeah, I sent you what they cut.

Yeah, we were having a conversation.

You showed it to me in the comedy

store green room. In the green room

and the main room. You were telling me the struggle

you're going through. It was so stressful,

that whole thing. Well, you had this show that you were doing on your own that was amazing and it's one of those things like south park right where south park really works because they can do outrageous shit because you know it's not real because they don't even look remotely human yeah your brain knows you when you were doing the face swaps with like cell phone technology you know like what everybody can use it was obvious so something funny about it being clearly not bill maher yeah it was clearly kyle dunnigan it wasn't kim kardashian it was kyle dunnigan it was you know you you would it was the way you were doing it was super obvious.
Then the Comedy Central thing came along like this. Like you get a beard.
That looks ridiculous. I didn't mean to have the beard.
It started from the beginning. Wait, play a different episode.
A different one. This one's terrible.
Listen, no one's buying my book. So I thought I would read a lecture to wet your whistle.
All right, we can turn this off. Turn it off.
You're torched them. Wet your whistle, baby.
If you want to put on a good one, put the good one where she, what happened to her vagina? I forget what it was. Yeah.
But they were all talking about something happened and she shoved a baby in her pussy. Yeah, that sounds like a bad idea.
You know what's... Oh, it was awful, girls.
For a minute there, I thought I was going to suffer the same fate as my nutsack. Oh, jeez.
Yeah, baby. I want to apologize to the trans...
Yeah, did you save all your clothes? Yeah, yeah. The first thing I did when I saw the flames was grab my Fendi clutch and my Alexander McQueen stiletto pumps.

Yeah.

And mine.

Yeah.

Yeah, then I ran back into the flames to get my Louis Vuitton alligator duffel, a bag so beautiful it demands attention.

Yeah.

My size 17 Jimmy Chews and my dog Checkers.

But there was only enough time to save two of those things, girls.

Oh, no.

The thick soapy's choice. What choice was that what did you choose this is what i do with my time checkers is fucking dead checkers is dead yeah baby play with up in heaven oh baby that's what i'm doing with my time that's an old one it's an old but the fact that that's obvious made it better when they did it on Comedy Central they used higher level technology and it was kind of weird it's creepy it has that what is that Uncanny Valley Uncanny Valley your brain needs to know it's a joke like obvious that's an obvious joke no one's going to look at that and go what did Caitlyn Jenner say now look at that and you go what is this like that's part of the fun of it is it doesn't look real yeah it's completely ridiculous I didn't mean to have a beard that was just I was being lazy I wasn't like trying to make a joke by the way I never did it I did impressions when I was younger and I was like in middle school I would do them then I never...
I started doing... A manager was like, don't do impressions.
And then that Face app came along, and I looked nothing like Trump. The first one I was doing was Trump.
Because I did Trump years ago. And I was like, oh, I can do Trump.
Because my face is the opposite of Trump. Stormy! Stormy! Stormy!

It's funny, I have the worst Trump.

Like, I did Trump first,

and it's the worst one.

Now everyone does a better Trump.

It was fun, though.

Stormy, baby.

It was a ridiculous character, though.

But it's, like,

that's how I knew Comedy Central was doomed.

I'm like, if you guys are fucking this up,

like, this show,

he's giving it to you on a silver platter.

Just get out of the way.

All you had to do was get out of the way. You were working with Metzger, right? Yeah.
Not at that moment. Yeah.
Eventually you were. Yeah, eventually.
All you had to do is get out of the way. Just get out of the way.
Point a camera at it. Let him.
Tell him you're supporting him. Yeah, eventually there was a show.
Yeah, I was doing like full on. Because that was like I was just kind of doing little videos.
And it became like i was crafting you know we would do you were in one of them time canceler like we had like crafted episodes what did we do in that one you played becky the nurse there's time camp just to show joe i don't think you remember this you probably don't remember but time canceler um it was like a full episode where yeah no one no one ever was like hey we can make this and it wasn't dirty and it was like got a lot of views and i i never hollywood never was they were always like no thank you yeah they couldn't figure out it is weird and it is weird well it's just it's this weird marriage of comedy, creative people, and then business people, executives.

That's the weird marriage.

And they, because they've had a few hit shows before, or, you know, we're producing South Park.

But you don't make it.

You can't make it yourself.

So you have this idea in your head that you're a part of the process.

And you've got an eye for creativity. Oh, that's right.
Nurse Becky. You were really good in that.
Thank you. Do you come up to that on stage? To Nurse Becky? Joe Rogan from the time canceler? Well, a lot of people like to bring it up at the airport.
Yeah. It comes up there a lot.
Do you have any, like, I don't want to be seen? You just like people coming up to you? How do you feel about that? Most people are nice. It's just people being nice.
Most people. The vast majority of people, they just want to say hi.
They like what you do, and it's nice. You know, because of you, a lot of dudes come into my show which is great was it mostly girls before it's mostly nobody it was mostly neither people are coming to my shows but now it's great people come to my shows but it is like a sea of dudes like no i did a tour and i was i started counting like are any girls coming to my show and the only ones would that would come Would be like, my boyfriend likes you Something like that And I saw thousands of people There was never like, three girls came to see Me or something It might be like one autistic girl No ladies Who likes to hear you say yeah baby yeah baby yeah wait till this netflix episode of kill tony oh my god the wildest show that show is like a fever dream wow it's like nothing else is gonna be on netflix like that yeah it was so fun we can't give anything away because it doesn't come out until monday so we don't want to give anything away oh but holy shit was it funny i love tony's like i like when comedians do well because it's so much pressure can you imagine the pressure these oh it's like could change their and there's nothing you know when you're young you don't even know how to make it in show business and there's just like one show they can this was a direct link so it's like it also works like there's guys that have gone from that show that have real careers now guys like cam patterson william montgomery these guys are going on the road they're selling out all over the place oh yeah people love them david lucas i mean it's kind of incredible the fan base is rabid yeah he's made a lot of like careers they're selling out arenas this weekend in Nashville.
I know. They have the comedy baton right now.
The funny thing is when someone doesn't do well, and it's dead silent, this makes me laugh, and Tony will go, holy shit. Tony's the worst.
He's so mean. He's like, holy shit.
He's so good at roasting. Oh, my God.
He's the best at it. There's no one close.
He's the best roaster ever. Yeah, he's unbelievably quick.
I mean, on that Tom Brady roast, he was a fucking savage. Holy shit.
Yeah. That Tom Brady roast was so important to comedy because it was the most watched thing ever in Netflix, and it was the most unwoke thing that's ever been on television.
Yeah. So it was like it broke and Nikki Glaser was really funny yeah very funny Jeff Ross was great on it Schultz killed on it it was great Schultz having something like that was a big moment you know like something that's just just funny like fuck all these stupid rules we're talking shit this is just talking shit everybody loves it I think it seems like let it go is seems like everything else.
Well, it's not done with some people. They're triple masking right now as they're listening to this.
I can't believe this. They're not listening to this.
They got a tie-dye mask on the outside. They're kicking a Tesla on their way to the garage.
I know a comedian who still goes on stage with them. This episode is brought to you by Gold Belly.
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That's goldbelly.com, code ROGAN for free shipping and 20% off your first order. Mask and has it the whole time and comes in the whole time.
I won't say Puts it on when he's talking into the microphone. Comes in with it, comes in Maybe he takes it off No, yeah.
I think he takes it off for the thing. People were doing comedy through masks.

Very funny.

That's one of the dumbest fucking things of all time.

You know what?

Maybe he has like an immune disease.

I don't know.

It doesn't.

Stay home.

It doesn't matter.

It's not helping you.

You're breathing into this fucking cloth that's an inch from your face and bacteria is going to accumulate there and moisture and it's probably going to be worse for you.

Don't you hate it when you're like you're doing stand up and like you accidentally like

mouth it?

Let's go. face and bacteria is going to accumulate there and moisture and it's probably going to be worse for you.
Don't you hate it when you're like you're doing stand-up and like you accidentally like mouth it like that? All the people. There's been 15 comedians before you and comedians are disgusting let's be honest we're all a disgusting group of people and and you're just like okay I gotta just wait for this disease.
Wait for whatever yeah if someone's got a cold we all have a cold that's one thing you're sharing a microphone with somebody who has the flu i know a girl who brings her own microphone swear to god the stand really yeah doesn't eliza do that too i don't know how's she doing haven't heard i think she just released a special you ever see her movie that's like weird because it's like some of it's funny then all of a sudden it's serious and you serious and you're like, it goes back and forth from mixed genres, they call it. You know what she's on that I love? Righteous Gemstones.
Righteous Gemstones? Yeah. You know who else? Edie Patterson.
I love her. I was in the Groundlings with her.
We would do sketches. Edie is like the daughter or something.
Right. She's so funny.
She's just weird and funny. It's a weird show.
It's a funny show, man. Like, I can't believe nobody told me to watch it.
There's too many shows. I have a thing where I'm like, can you just not tell me another good show? Too many shows.
I'm not caught up. The Baldwins? You watching that? No.
Was that a sitcom? It's a reality show, but Alec Baldwin and his terrible wife. Why would you watch? She's an awful...
Because I watch that's what i does she fake the accent i'll watch if she fakes the accent yeah she fakes she's a does she she is she doesn't understand the words yeah the what is how do you say in english cucumber cucumber and he goes along but he do you have that her shushing him at like a red car I saw it isn't it just awful yeah I'm talking you're not talking when I'm talking you're not talking when I'm talking Alex Baldwin can get like a really sweet beautiful woman he's Alex Baldwin what happened he would yell they would run away he would yell I mean he would yell he would yell at them they'd run away who knows who knows what these two are like they both look like they're out of their fucking minds and i'm sure it's edited but he comes off way better than her maybe he's doing that on purpose maybe that's a clever move let her say crazy shit don't check her let her come off looking like a nut maybe they planned it maybe they have a wonderful relationship and they said listen this is not going to sell she humiliated him you're right to go viral listen you you're gonna shut me up and i'm not even gonna comment on it plus i just killed a lady so it does make you forget about when he killed that lady it's a good way to make you forget the show yeah the other good way is you change your gender oh yeah that's another good way. I mean, Bruce killed that lady with a car, baby.

That was Bruce.

Just Bruce.

That was like right after that.

Have you ever seen the footage of the car, the reenactment?

Like, she was putting on lipstick or something.

She was very distracted.

Playing on her phone.

What was I going to say about Alec Baldwin?

Hold on.

No, he was.

You said she.

You shouldn't say she.

What did I say?

You said she was. Please correct yourself.
That was back when she was Bruce. Was she always Bruce? What does it say in the Olympics? Dead name.
What? Can you dead name in the Olympics? Is that allowed? Dead name, it kind of went away, huh? Yeah. That didn't work.
People are like, wait, you can't kick people out of the social square for life because they won't accept this bizarre new thing you're doing.

There it is.

Bruce Jenner.

Still says Bruce.

Wow, look how jacked he was.

Oh, yeah.

Back then was he.

There's that nut shack.

You can see the nut shack, yeah.

Nah.

Did he have the... I think I have no information, but I think so.

You're holding back.

Do you work for the government?

Eh, I know a guy.

I'll tell Trump to release the files.

So terrifically.

What a terrific guy.

Are we getting new files, Jamie?

Does anything happen?

What happened with the-

Oliver Stone apparently testified about the JFK assassination.

What does he know?

How does he know stuff?

He knows everything about it.

How does he know?

He's literally a warehouse of information on the JFK assassination. Before the podcast, during the podcast, after the podcast.
He wouldn't stop talking about it. Is it Terrence Howard information? No, no.
It's Oliver Stone. He's a brilliant guy.
Oliver Stone can give you – he could sit down and break down just from recall. And how old is Oliver Stone? I think he's late old is Oliver Stone like complete recall of dates times who was involved who they worked for before this happened who Kennedy had fired why they were on the Warren Commission report what the Warren Commission reports objectives were who was influencing it who saw the the gunshots in the grass you know how did they die in mysterious circumstances he like he's like rattle it all off off the top of his head and he's like he tells Congress to reinvestigate the 1963 assassination starting at the scene of the crime like I'm telling you man the movie he did is you know great movie kevin costner wonderful movie but talking to him about it is where you really freak out like this guy has been studying the jfk assassination forever and he thinks it was a cia or you know no one knows and until you get all these files no one's going to know there was and even once you get all these files what is it going to you're still gonna connect dots and it's not like there's a page page 24 Mike did it oh yeah Mike was in the grassy knoll I told him shoot that Irish cocksucker he's gonna rob us no there's none of that you're gonna get certain details that weren't available before for national security reasons or for whatever but if they had made some sort of a declaration that kennedy was a problem that needed to be removed that would be like the as close to a smoking gun as you can but they could probably get away with saying things like that in 1963 you know especially like people that worked at they were were doing nutty shit in 63, like really nutty shit.
Like that's the year, the same year as Operation Northwoods, right? That's the same year. Operation Northwoods was this crazy idea that was drummed up.
It was a false flag idea that was drummed up and literally signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Like they gave this a green light and then vetoed by Kennedy.

And what they were going to do is they're going to have a bunch of false flag attacks.

Like they were going to blow up a jetliner and they were going to blame it on Cuba.

And they were going to arm Cuban friendlies and bomb Guantanamo Bay.

They were going to literally kill American citizens.

And the idea was do this false flag, blame it on on Cuba then we have to go to war with Cuba and Kennedy was like what the fuck are you doing no and then there's the other one which is the Bay of Pigs So they informed Kennedy about the Bay of Pigs Apparently they have for informed him about it like late in the process and he denied them air support support. So the whole plan of invading Cuba, the Bay of Pigs, was dependent upon air support.
They didn't get air support because Kennedy said no to it. So all these people died that didn't have to die.
All these American soldiers died that didn't have to die. And my friend Evan Hafer from Black Rifle Coffee, he had a very good point.
He said like, if you wanted to look at someone who had a bone to pick who's like a hardened killer like those guys who got stranded at that beach those would be the kind of guys that would want to kill kennedy like there's probably a lot of people that wanted to kill kennedy you know there's probably the mob wanted to kill him because they got the mob got him in you know the whole thing whole thing that happened with Illinois, like him winning. Right.
Right. Yeah.
Very shaky stuff. Right.
Very shaky. So the mob got him in and then his brother starts going after the mob.
Yeah. OK.
Fuck face. Like, what kind of deal is this? And then you've got he's trying to get rid of the CIA.
He wants to get rid of all these like he gives that speech about privacy, about having these private groups and having secrecy and secret societies. Have you ever seen that speech about secret societies? The Kennedy made? Yeah.
No. It's really creepy.
He's talking about how secret societies are repugnant and that he's essentially calling out the shadow government. He's calling out all these people that are involved in these organizations, literally from like Yale, like the skull and bones that they're all in.
All these creepy frat boys join the skull and bones. Then one day they wind up ruling the world.
Like it's kind of Harry Potter of Harry Potter ish it's bizarrely you know on the nose as far as what it is but he was calling that stuff out in the 60s as well and then they kill him and then you don't hear a peep about any of that stuff anymore and we will get to the John Larroquette story just anybody listening let's listen to Kennedy talk about secret societies secret societies era secret societies it's a it's a very good speech when you think about the fact that they killed him like less than a year later I believe what about the back and the left this is what I heard I don't know any information but the in Oliver Stone he was like back and to the lift back in, but someone was saying, no, your head would do that because it, like, from the shot from the back, your head would recoil back. I don't know anything.
Well, we could look at that, too. Let's hear it.
The speech that killed him about secret society. The very word secrecy is repugnant in a free and open society, and we are as a people inherently and historically opposed to secret societies, to secret oaths, and to secret proceedings.
We decided long ago that the dangers of excessive and unwarranted concealment of pertinent facts far outweighed the dangers which are cited to justify it. Even today, there is little value in opposing the threat of a closed society by imitating its arbitrary restrictions.
Even today, there is little value in ensuring the survival of our nation if our traditions do not survive with it. And there is very grave danger that an announced need for increased security will be seized upon by those anxious to expand its meaning to the very limits of official censorship and concealment.
That I do not intend to permit to the extent that it is in my control. And no official of my administration, whether his rank is high or low, civilian or military, should interpret my words here tonight as an excuse to censor the news, to stifle dissent, to cover up our mistakes, or to withhold from the press and the public the facts they deserve to know.
For we are opposed around the world by a monolithic and ruthless conspiracy that relies primarily on covet means for expanding its sphere of influence, on infiltration instead of invasion, on subversion instead of elections, on intimidation instead of free choice, on guerrillas by night instead of armies by day. It is a system which has conscripted vast human and material resources into the building of a tightly knit, highly efficient machine that combines military, diplomatic, intelligence, economic, scientific, and political operations.
Its preparations are concealed, not published. Its mistakes are buried, not headlined.
Its dissenters are silenced, not praised. is questioned no rumor is printed no secret is revealed no president should fear public scrutiny of his program for from that scrutiny comes understanding and from that understanding comes support or opposition and both are necessary why did why did we become so retarded? Like, listen to how genius what he's saying is and how eloquently he's describing the problem.
People don't talk like that anymore. No, we don't talk like that anymore.
And if we did talk like that, people would be like, what did he just say? Yeah, I didn't understand a word. I understood half of those words.
I didn't know I'd have those words. This is 1963.
We're dumber now. Oh, yeah.
With more access to information than we were in 63. And people think they're smarter because their phone, they think that's them, too.
Chat GPT easily. Oh, I tried Grok, too, and it was really cool.
I kind of felt like, I don't know, you could just see liking your AI friend. That's a problem with people.
It is a big problem. Grok is saying some wild shit to folks.
Oh, I know. They have that different kind of stuff.
Also, if you ask Grok if you were purely evil and you wanted to destroy society, how would you do it? And Grok essentially describes everything that's happening in society. Yeah.
It's like you know that movie idiocracy yeah yeah it's happening i definitely feel like idiocracy like was very charitable in terms of like their version of the future in comparison to what we're experiencing yes i'm because they didn't figure in cell phone addiction yeah you know what makes me laugh is when you look at like like, a 70s movie about the future and, like, what they got right and wrong. First of all, we don't do the FaceTime as much as they thought we were going to just do it all the time.
We're like, no, we don't want that. Another funny thing is, like, the back of TVs.
They're like, TVs are never going to get rid of the back. They're going to have flying cars.
But where do you put the stuff? It's always going to be a big box. Yeah.
And they're like, oh, there's no more racism in the future. And you have flying cars but where do you put the stuff like it's always gonna be a big box yeah yeah and they're like oh there's no more racism in the future and you have flying cars where's the flying car yeah no flying cars no bad no racism there's no black people watch the jetsons they don't have a single oh that's true yeah yeah that's that was our show need george jetson and then they'd be flying around your flying car what year was that supposed to be be? Did they say this is 2012? Let's take a guess.
What is it? I'll wait. Sorry.
Oh. My cigar keeps going out.
Is that a sign of manlyhood? It came out in 2006. It's like Olympic.
I shouldn't be doing this at all. 2006? What? No.
That's when it came out. That's when the movie was released.
No, I mean like when the Jetsons. No, no, no, not Idiocracy.

The Jetsons. What year is the Jetsons

supposed to be? Idiocracy was supposed to be

2020 what?

2,500.

Oh, 2,000. That's probably, again, very charitable.

Yeah, and by the way. We could have a pro wrestling president

right now, by the way.

Oh, yeah. The Rock, you know.

I like that guy. Are we allowed to say that?

I think they wanted The Rock to run.

Rock could win.

I went to the gym with The Rock when I was in L.A. Not a brag.
I'm just telling you the facts. We went to the same gym.
Did you guys get pumped? Yeah, we got ripped. This was before he was really famous.
But there was this restaurant nearby, and I was there, and he got a stack of, like, ten burgers. That's all he ate.
And I was like, who's that fucking guy? He's an enormous dude. He was just wrestling back then.
He could be the president. He couldn't lift the weight I was doing.
He went to the machine and he had to go down. Of course.
It was kind of humiliating. I found a year for the Jetsons.
Okay, let's guess. Okay.
I want to say 1998. 1999.
I'm going to say 1999. No way.
Yeah. For reference to what came out, 1962 was the debut.
2000... This year.
2020. 1999.
What is it? It is apparently 100 years into the future. So, 2062.
Oh, okay. Not going to happen, though.
None of... No.
No. They didn't figure out phones.
Even Star Trek didn't figure out cell phones. There was a walkie-talkie.
Kirk out. He had to, like, shut his little walkie-talkie off.
They did? Yeah, Kirk didn't have the hats. Oh, did you see this fucking warp drive thing? No, but I love space and all this stuff, so I want to see this.
Yeah, somebody sent me this. This is very, very strange.
I took physics in college. Not to but just telling you guys I bet you did dude I I you know I never thought of doing something else but I love other things and for some reason I just was like in taking acting classes um what did you like about physics I always um love like out like outer space and just science stuff I just always have like an interest in it and in school I was very I didn't score well but like physics I did well because it was like wasn't a lot of reading wasn't dense reading what is the problem with you and reading well I never had tested but never got tested, but I did take Spanish, and she goes, you write all your B's and D's backwards.
So I'm assuming I have dyslexia. How old were you, though? I was in high school, but I always read.
Like my parents were cool. They'd send me to speed reading classes.
They weren't, back then, in my day, they weren't like, you have a reading disorder. They were like, you're dumb and you need to read faster.

Yeah, you suck.

Yeah, there was no test.

No one had dyslexia.

So dyslexia is like you see things backwards?

Is that what it is?

It's sort of like you flip things.

So I actually put a dyslexia app on my computer

and it sort of like makes the font

so I don't flip the words.

So you do have dyslexia, definitely.

I never was tested

but this app, I read

much faster with it so I'm assuming I do.

I took the medicine,

it got better so I assume I had it.

Yeah, that's kind of what it was.

Jamie, I sent you that warp drive thing.

I don't like

labels, Joe. I don't want to label myself

with a disease. I can read.

DARPA funded researchers accidentally discovered the words world's first warp bubble. Warp drive pioneer and former NASA warp drive specialist Dr.
Harold G. Sonny White has reported the discovery of an actual real-world warp bubble.
And according to White, the first of its kind breakthrough by Limitless Space

Institute's team sets up a new starting point for those trying to manufacture a full-sized warp-capable spacecraft. They added our detailed numerical analysis of our custom Casimir cavities, I don't know what that means, helped us identify a real and manufacturable nanomicrostructure

that is predicted to generate a negative vacuum energy density

such that it would manifest a real nanoscale warp bubble.

Not an analog, but the real thing.

In other words, a warp bubble structure will manifest under these specific conditions.

White cautioned that this does not mean we are building a fully functioning warp drive as much more science needs to be done. All right, so if this was 2021, when I Googled to find it to try to see what you're talking about, I found this article.
It just came out three days ago. Oh, three days ago.
It's about an email, though, but... Warp drive think tank adds Harvard astrophysicists and warp theorists to advance planetary defense.

We're talking about warp drives and asteroid collection or something or other.

So they're going to throw a warp drive around an asteroid to keep it from killing us?

I don't know.

Could have profound effects on planetary defense, advanced propulsion, and warp drive detection.

Maybe that's where asteroids are coming from.

Someone like shot an asteroid.

Like, you know, like something's coming

at their car. They whacked it out of the window

and it hit your car. Yeah.

You know what I mean? That's what's happening. We got the

asteroid belt. Yeah, a little test racket.

Smack that bird and it went into your window.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's what's

happening in outer space. I wonder if that's what's happening.

I wonder if like they see an asteroid coming, they just throw

a warp bubble at it and it just appears somewhere

else. Not my problem.
That'd be cool. It just shows up.
Jupiter saves us from all our little strikes. Yeah.
We do have a perfect setup, but then... Okay.
So this is no coincidence. We are working on something historic.
When pushed for a timeline and list of goals for the team's newest project. Martire?

Martire?

Martire?

How do you think you say that?

M-A-R-T-I-R-E?

Martire.

Martire.

It said, yes, they exist, but we can't disclose those details at this time.

He said, seemingly boundless passion practically coming through in print.

You'll understand why once I'm able to show you.

It's rad.

Applied physics is currently hiring. It won't tell you what it is.
Great. This is what I've been thinking a lot of these fucking UAP things are.
Yes, I want to know what you think. I think some of it has got to be ours.
I think if I had some shit that I did want the general public to know that I had, and I wanted to protect it from, like, espionage, didn't want enemies to find out about it, I would say it's not mine. I'd say it's coming from outer space.
It's not of this world. Yeah.
Hey, guys. Not of this world.
There was an article saying there in a race to build the world's first working warp drive. Jesus.
Warp theorists say we've entered an exotic propulsion space race to build the world's first working warp drive. All this is happening while AI is becoming sentient.
Did you hear that? AI passed the Turing test. Is this recently? Yeah.
It was an article from yesterday. AI passes Turing test for the first time.
Yeah, it learns like exponential. People think it's happening so fast.
You know what the Turing test is? Yeah, to see if it can be passed as a human. Yeah, if it passes as a human to everyone.
I don't think I could pass the Turing test. Terrifying study reveals AI robots have passed Turing tests and now are indistinguishable from humans, scientists say.
Yeah. Bro, we're so fucked.
It is, uh, I think the good things is it'll probably cure loneliness a little bit. Like old people got a little robot friend.
That's good. 100%, but it's going to be real weird.
And it could be complete population collapse. No bullshit.
Because of the jobs they replace? The jobs they replace, people having no desire to take care of kids or have kids when you Can give a robot girlfriend? Yeah, robot girlfriend. I'll be cool.
You also You're like yeah, we're all gonna die robot girlfriend be cooking inside this robot They're gonna place like sell like their vaginas separately The actual cat robot girlfriend that you have to keep alive. The only way, it's the only way to keep her alive.
I got the one. You gotta fill her up every day or she just gets narcolepsy and falls asleep.
What about meaning? That's a problem, I think, to have, robots would be better at everything, even already just songs. Like, I write music just for fun, but like, it's a talent that doesn't matter anymore you know like nothing doesn't matter but like they write very good songs already AI and then have you ever seen one of those photos of the entire Milky Way galaxy and there's a little dot of the earth since you are here yes it's very disturbing now imagine meaning yeah yeah yeah yeah blue dot it's all us it's all subjective like meaning is meaning to us because we think we're super important but if we get surpassed by a superior life form that we actually create meaning what does meaning mean anymore it doesn't mean anything anymore if you don't have emotions if you're the superior life form and emotions don't exist anymore because you don't have a human reward system that's built in through thousands and thousands of years of evolution you need it a job just to not have a job but an identity yeah the sun needs meaning that's why it went supernova it needed meaning it just came to help it and it just like yeah see me the sun needed to be seen.
I felt so unseen as the sun that I had to blow out a solar flare and kill everyone's satellites it's meaning is our thing and we decide that meaning is important but objectively for the universe it's clearly not oh the universe no we are a tiny little fucking spot in the universe so like what does So like, what does meaning mean? It only means something to us because we need meaning. What do you, what do you suggest people do though? If they're, they start to get, they don't have a good job they have to do.
The robots do everything. We have universal income and you're just like, I went on vacation for three days and I was miserable.
Yeah. You have to find something you enjoy like as humans.
But again, this is just humans with the robot fuck ladies and You know free food there will be no more babies The robot fuck ladies will take care of the robot fuck ladies. Well, they're gonna be a real problem but the They're gonna be a real problem.
It's gonna be like that Just look at how many incels just stay at home now and play video games. Like the number of men who never have sex and the number of men who have no girlfriends is like higher than it's ever been.
Yeah, and then if you like fall in love with your robot girlfriend, she's going to be really nice to you. A robot brothel legal or no? Ooh.
That's crazy. Ew.
That's what you pay for. You pay for a fresh silicone mold every time or something.
Legal, though? Ew. Definitely legal.
Ew. It's legal to fuck your car, I think.
It might be. If it's in the garage.
Yeah, not out in public. You can't fuck your car in public.
You've seen that guy who fell in love with his car, that video. That's not real.
No, no, no, no, no, no. It's the real thing.
Are you sure? And he let him film him and he kept it together while the cameras were on him for real? Yeah. You ever think maybe they just set that up because it's stupid? Well, if he's as good an actor, it's Daniel Day-Lewis maybe, but this was very beautiful.
And he tells his dad and it's- That he's in love with his car? People fall in love like weird shit. It's just like a fetish thing.
Bro, this is fake. This is so fake.
This is TLC. I love that.
It's a hot car. This is like those people that eat toilet paper.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, he loves it. Nah, I don't believe it.
Unless he's got like a real brain injury. That's good.
He got hit by a line drive when he was six. I've never seen a follow-up on this, but I don't remember what it was.
Objectophilia. Oh, boy.
It's a disease, Joe. These people have diseases.
I think that's a problem, having too many names for stuff, like narcolepsy. I agree with people.
Narcolepsy, we need a name for it. Just figure it out.
The people that were saying dyslexia, figure it out. Figure it out.
Stop falling asleep. Stop breathing backwards.
Figure it out. I didn't feel dumb, though.
I, they had that name. So I have a disease.

Yeah.

Everybody wants to do ADHD.

That's a weird one.

People,

some people say that's not a real thing.

I,

if I would grew up earlier,

I would have been diagnosed as like on some kind of spectrum.

I used to fly a kite till I,

I used to fly a kite till I peed my pants.

Cause I just like,

it's a good move.

Tongue out.

Like nice way to meet the ladies.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Pissing your pants in a fucking, I can't read.
balsa wood structure. Pissing my pants.
Flying in the air behind you. Yeah, I just loved it.
That's a very Asperger-y, I think. Well, look, if you want things that are extraordinary, you need people that are on the spectrum.
That's a fact. It's one thing we should thank vaccines for.
There's a lot of fascinating people have come out of that spectrum. A little lead paint here, a little fucking pesticide there.
Touch it all. Next thing you know, you got some inflammation and some really good math.
We grew up like we're near the same image. I think the worst food like when like when we were developing the 70s food was just 80s just the biggest I remember just having like that macaroni cheese microwaved on this like plastic tray oh yeah it's just all chemicals chemicals that was my lunch microplastics peanut butter and fluff you ever eat that oh that was That was like lunch.
Yeah. I'm going to have a marshmallow for lunch.

Fluff or nutter sandwich.

And Wonder Bread, which is also.

Sugar.

We ate garbage.

I used to go play.

I played golf obsessively for a while.

And I would walk 18 holes.

I'd have a Snickers and a Sprite.

I'd walk another 18 hole.

I did this day after day.

I was big into routine stuff. That was when I was growing.
So I may have been taller. I just had carrots.
You just ate Snickers and Sprites. By the way, this was like a country club.
We weren't like, we didn't grow up like rich, but like my dad, like for like three years, we had this country club and the food was free. Like you had to spend like a thousand dollars a month or whatever on food and no one else was going.
My dad worked really hard and I was the only one going and instead of getting a lobster every day, we had Snickers. It was like 13-year-old Kyle.
Damn. Yeah.
At least you got peanuts in the Snickers. Got a little bit of protein.
Which isn't even a nut. It's a legume, by the way.
I wish Snickers were good for you. They're fucking delicious.
It's a great snack to take when you're hiking. I found one in my car.
Lord Sandwich was a very conversant gambler. What's a conversant gambler? He's very like he gambled a lot wouldn't leave the table.
Story goes did not take the time to have a meal during his long hours playing at the cards table consequently he would ask his servants to bring him slices of meat between two slices of bread, a habit known amongst his gambling friends. Wow.
So he just wanted to eat quick. Hence the sandwich.
Wow. No one thought of that? I guess, yeah.
Just because he's a gambling. So he's a degenerate.
Gambling. I got my, I want to promote my crypto coin real quick.
That's my merch. Yeah, baby coin.
Yeah, baby coin. Skyrocketing.
You ever thought about making a coin? It's zero. Anybody can do it now.
Oh, Joe Rogan coin. That'd be good.
Good way to rip people off. Yeah.
We thought about doing it, but we're like, what does it do? What can you buy with it no that work it's total gambling it Kurt Metzger said it best he's like it's in just fucking gamblers they're a gambling addiction oh yeah yeah it's a total that's what the crypto coin thing is it's a bunch of gambling addicts and they're all gambling on these meme coins yeah and they're making money some of them are making money and there's shifty deals Yeah, it's really shady. But it's kind of legal.
It's weird. The whole thing's weird.
It is a little bit of like, if you fall for this, well, you shouldn't have money kind of thing, too. Like, all right, did you really? How's that Trump coin doing? Not good? Why'd you do? I think Bitcoin is low.
Oh, is it because of the economy? Yeah, everything else going on. So are you paying attention to all this tariff stuff?

You're not.

You can't read.

No, no, I am.

I actually am very interested in finance.

No, I watch videos of finance.

I watch finance videos like every night.

I'm very into it.

Yeah.

Really?

I've actually learned so much because of YouTube because I can watch the things.

And I realize I'm actually interested in a lot of things.

Yes, I know something about this tariff.

It just dropped while we're watching it.

Ah, shit. $9.
It's actually doubled today. It just dropped while we're watching it.
Ah, shit.

$9.

It's actually doubled today.

It's dropping while we're watching.

It's dropping.

50% today.

Because people are gambling.

Jesus.

They're buying and selling.

So what is it worth now?

$9.37.

And what was it worth at its height?

$80.

$80.

Wow.

$75.

Get your Trump coin.

What did he make off that?

I'm very curious. How does that work? A billion? $2 billion market cap.
$2 billion. Still? At $9? So that's what it's worth now.
Does that mean all the Trump coins are worth $2 billion? Is that what it means? Collectively. Collectively.
That was worth like $40 billion. Look at the big spike in the beginning and then a bunch of people like, sucker! That is a total.
That has to be what happened, sold what did trump make off day so there's two how many days is it scroll your thing over there how many days do you have you have hours you have hours before a giant drop-off look at that so hours you have 12 hours and then by sunday the 19th it drops radically yeah but i bet those first 12 hours like bet those first 12 hours, like you couldn't eat, like most people couldn't trade it. But look at that first 12 hours.
That is crypto coins. That's meme coins.
Not like Bitcoin, not like Ethereum, but like that is a meme coin. That first thing, that explosion, that's what I expect.
That's garbage. That's what I expect.
But I also, I support it. Why not? If you If you can do that, like, look, if you can go fucking play cards, if you could figure out a way to three-card money people on the streets of New York, like, okay.
I used to play poker all the time. I went through a phase.
I actually won the Borgata tournament. I won a tournament there.
No shit. I had $6,000 in my, I had lost my luggage on a flight, like, weeks before, and I'm like not going to lose this cash because I didn't have too much money.
So I put like $3,000 or something in my suitcase. I'm like, I'm going to put like $3,000 in my pants because I'm not going to lose this money.
And then I missed my flight. So now I slept over the airport with like giant wads.
But you made it. I made it back.
So why did you stop playing? too much a waste of time yeah like i actually um really studied and i i you know was the winning didn't make a ton of money but like i didn't lose you know um a big amount of money i think i'm like probably after playing one million hours i'm up like four dollars it's like total waste of my life or he was doing it in the early days of his comedy career he was making money doing that yeah that's how he'd make a living he'd play in tournaments yeah you can especially in like vegas like with people come into um you know there's having fun you can just be very disciplined and just he would go to those uh card casinos that were out in california like bellflower I know you're talking about bicycle casino, commerce. They were like, hey, Kyle.
Kyle's back. You were there a lot, huh? But I just stopped.
It's a waste of time. Well, for Ari, that was literally how he made a living when he wasn't making a living doing comedy yet.
Yeah. He was that good.
And Ari's very disciplined, organized he's very disciplined. You have, yeah.
Organized. Like he doesn't do anything stupid.
Texas Hold'em is all like just gotta fold, fold, fold, fold, you know, and just, you know, really be really disciplined. People just start fucking around and get drunk and you just.
Yeah, you have to understand how many cards there are. If you have this, there's different guys, you see the cards are on the table, you have to do calculations.
There's the math of it. And just, once you know that, it's like, and then it becomes second nature.
You'd know kind of right away. And then there's ESP.
Yeah. Read people's minds knowing their bullshit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went up to Vegas once and I was depressed.
I never get depressed. But situationally, I was like, I'm going to go just take five grand.
I just drove to Vegas like a lunatic by myself. And I just went by.
By yourself? Yeah. What time did you leave the house? No idea.
I don't remember. Daytime or nighttime, though? That's important because it takes four hours to get there.
Oh, it was like 5 p.m.-ish. It was like later.
I was actually about to do a show, a live show on my YouTube channel. And I was under so much stress.
You know, I was like editing and writing. And then it's just like all me.
And I just was like, gonna, you know, all these characters. I just was like really stressed out and I didn't think the show was good.
And I'm like, just didn't do it. And I just went, this is on top of, I was the pandemic.
I was so isolated. And then it was too much alone, you know, kind of thing.
And a lot of people, I think. Yeah.
I think that kind of fucked me up a little bit. It cracked quite a few people.
Yeah. Especially the most vulnerable amongst us.
A lot of comedians are very socially awkward already. You isolate them.
Yeah, you're staring at me pretty hard. LA.
No, I'm not. I'm not thinking about you at all.
I'm just kidding. But there's some of us that just kind of never came back from it.
I haven't had a steady girlfriend since. I think maybe I got weird or something.
Did you? Do you feel like? I think I'm very normal, but I must be probably weird. Maybe after the show, the calls will start coming in.
No, they won't. Yeah, baby.
Yeah, baby. You got bros watching.
After the Netflix thing, they might. No, I don don't think I'm recognizable I don't want to say what you did I don't think I that was by the way we can say this like what I had was ridiculous yes and it was like I wanted to take it off don't say anymore because we don't want to give anything away okay because it comes out it comes out on Monday what time is this when does this come out this comes out tomorrow okay yeah so we can this? When does this come out? This comes out tomorrow.
Okay. Yeah, so we can't do that.
Ooh, this is good, actually. People listen to me.
They're like, oh, I gotta see that. Hang in there.
Yeah. That really is going to be like nothing else on that channel.
Game changer. Yeah.
No, it was phenomenal. And the show is so real.
The show is so real. It's like seeing people kill, seeing people bomb, seeing people have great moments people have great moments it was yeah it was unbelievable it's the best thing for comedy because it gives comics like there's a real career path now if you could bang out a solid minute on Kill Tony you get into the ecosystem it's also such a high wire act because in doing a character if you do SNL it's like I'm sure very nerve wracking but this is like SNL but you have no script you gotta go like I gotta try to make things funny and when you're dressed up like a thing shh shh don't give away don't give it away I won't say I won't say but you're like everything you say they think is gonna be you gotta it's gotta be a joke but it was really cool because right before we went on I'm trying to say I think I said this you can't say shit no no no but like Tony will get mad but I think this we could say the crowd didn't know no they didn't know it was gonna be on Netflix the crowd didn't know it was gonna be on Netflix and it was so exciting when they found out it was like when they found out it was the first ever show on Netflix they went nuts the eruption The eruption in the room was amazing.
It was really very cool. It was pretty badass.
So fun. And having that show at this club every week has been...
It's incredible. It's so good for comedy.
Yeah, it worked out. I remember when you were going to go to Austin, and I'm like, this Joe guy doesn't know what he's doing.
I was telling people that. This Joe guy doesn't know what the hell he's doing.
Thank you. And I was wrong.
Thank you for your vote of support. I just thought.
Yeah, I didn't think I knew what I was doing. I was like, I'd bet against me.
I'd be like, good luck doing that. But it was like, all these things had a, it's almost like the universe wanted it to be made, because it couldn't have been made with just me.
It's just like, if it was just me and some money, you can't make that club you need all these pieces It's like you have to hit every green light and you could never bank on it. You have to have a pandemic It has to get shut down You have to live in a ridiculous place like LA where they won't let the comedy store open for a fucking year and a half So yeah, we're unemployed.
I can snatch those people up. I just happen to get a big pile of money from Spotify Yeah, I moved to this new.
A bunch of other guys start moving to this new city. And then all of a sudden we have like 15, 16 top comics living in the city.
Like, okay, this is why it can work. Like a bunch of things Ron White had already be here.
He kind of lured me here because before the pandemic he moved here. And he was telling me how great it was.
I fucking love it. I fucking love Austin.

I was like, really?

Texas?

I don't know.

And I was like, I don't know if I could live there.

But then when the shit hit the fan and we started doing shows in Texas and putting it on Instagram,

then all these guys were like, fuck that.

I'm moving to Texas.

And the next thing you know, Segura's here.

Christina Pazitsky's here.

Tim Dillon's here.

It's just like Shane Gillis moved.

It's like Duncan moved here. It just came in this wave.
Brian Simpson. Brian Simpson was here early, early on, way before the club.
We were doing shows at the Vulcan and we were all talking about making a club. But the fucking actually do it is the weirdest thing.
Like when you go there, it's like it's part of this weird illusion that you're living in. Some fucking bizarre hallucination you're having it's like a leap like a field of dreams yeah you built it and then they came yeah yeah this is now like a comedy town it's a huge common other it's a huge live performance town already right because there's so much great music here there's a lot of vomit to a lot of puke a lot of homeless people a lot of great drugs That's what I hear.
I Wouldn't know and Yeah, it's a moving here. I know you hate the cold of winter.
I I do and I think This is a more inviting environment for a guy like you anyway I know I have family back east, but I They can move. I don't think they love me.
I'm finding out I don't think they love me anyway. What happened? They just told me they didn't love me anymore.
Outright. Yeah.
Wow. Which I respect.
What did you say first? Huh? Did you say, I don't love you first? No, no. I was like, I love you guys.
And then they just kind of shook their heads. So no one visits me.
Take a hint. Huh? Take a hint.
Time to move. I know.
I think it would, my career would be better out here for sure. For sure.
You'd be around more like-minded people and you get to understand the journey of Brian Holtzman. I need to, yeah, read up on him.
You need to watch him. Yeah.
Yep. There's a lot of clubs here too.
That's the beautiful thing about this place. You can get up anywhere here in town there's so many clubs it's hopping like every night of the week yeah your club though is better than I'm not just saying that because I'm here Joe I'm not lying to you but it's better than the Vul.
It's a great club. Thank you.
Tough call.

Tough call.

They probably get run off of people who can't get into your club. Yeah, they have a lot of great shows there.

They have great shows there all the time.

A lot of the guys from the club do shows over there.

They do it all the time.

Yeah.

It's like that and then Brian Redband's room, The Sunset,

which is right down the street.

That's only like four or five doors down.

And that place is packed all the time.

That place is killer.

That format on Kill Tony is just...

Perfect.

So great.

All right. like four or five doors down.
And that place is packed all the time. That place is killer.
That format on Kill Tony is just... Perfect.
So great. It's perfect.
He's got it dialed in. It's like a finely oiled machine.
It's like you or anybody who does things for... He's been doing it for years.
Yeah. And...
He knows the rhythm of it. Like, imagine, like, how people come up, concept of a show.
And you would never come up with this. You would never go, this is going to work right away, this Kill Tony format.
Well, it needed years and years of development. Yeah, yeah.
This is the thing. They did that show once a week for a decade.
I know. A decade.
They never missed an episode. That's what it is.
They did it during the pandemic with no crowd. Oh, really? Yes.

Yes. They did kill Tony in the main room with no crowd.
They live streamed it. Oh, right.
Bro, like they never let go. They never, they like a pit bull on a sack of nuts, just clamp and never let go.
And now it's enormous. Like that episode um adam ray played joe biden and shane gillis played uh trump i think that has like no way more really i think it's like 60 million people have watched it on youtube that's crazy how many people jamon 25 oh don't get nailed it i lied wow i thought it was a lot more than that well there's probably other also clips if you If you put it together, it's...
Maybe that's what it is. Yeah.
Because I was told it was like 60 million people watched it. People just know that it's a high-wide act.
Maybe it's all of them. But if you think about all the clips on top of that, I mean, it's a giant show now.
I think a lot of also... Damn, it's only 25 million.
Why did I think it was more? Is there maybe he's adding multiple ones where those guys were on together.

There's some value in having a live show now, which pops more than other.

Because you can tell that show is improvised.

Yes.

There's so many moments are awkward and don't work.

It makes it even more.

Live is fun.

Interesting to watch.

Yeah.

It's dangerous.

Yeah.

It's also super stressful.

But also you with Kill Tony, you're literally getting crazy people and giving them a microphone for i know some of those people are out of their minds half of them are homeless yeah yeah half of them are sleeping in their car yeah yeah a lot of them like drove from seattle one guy well i don't want to say the story but there's save it like the larriquette story just let it simmer what about that larriquette story? Now's the time. The time? Now's the time.
Now's the time. Don't sit out.
Boy, this better be a good story. It doesn't have to be.
It'd be funny if it's not. This has been really teased.
I think you're going to get your wish. I don't know what the story is.
All right, so on this, the only thing I've ever booked, a sitcom I ever booked, where I read, I did callbacks. I think it was like four callbacks, okay? Finally where I where a sitcom I ever booked where I was like I read I did callbacks it was like four callbacks okay and finally I got a sitcom and it was like a reoccurring role it was and I played this this guy this girl's boyfriend and she like did not find me I could tell she was like uh because we'd have a makeout scene yeah so we go to the table read You know, the table read was like where the network come and you all sit around and they just laugh and everyone's having a great time so right before our table read um they go kyle we got some new lines for you about like eight new lines they were like all new lines and i knew how my reading was we've talked about that and so i'm panicking a little I'll I kick out is you can do this just read just read good Kyle I'm thinking in my head oh my god so it's going around the tables like haha it's killing gets to me my line I'm like if if I go to the store then we can get it and a death quiet then it goes around the table how there me i i found and then afterwards i'm like oh um i think i'm fired and it was so much like climbing a mountain to get this job and then the next day i didn't get a call they no one said you're fired so i come in the next day and uh i'm about to get to the door and and the cast director's like, whoop.
And she goes, we're not. You can go home.
They're going to go a different direction. They say that.
You can go home. You can go home.
I got there. And she goes, but you're going to Iraq.
That would be cool. She's trying to make a small talk, because I was going to Iraq, like, the next week.
Did you stand up? Yeah, USO o tour um kind of a hero i guess no no one wanted us to see it it was uh yeah so my my uh you can go home is the most up way to tell someone you can go home yeah they're gonna go a different way oh okay and then i get to go to iraq so that was my prize you should have told them you can't read i should have said I'm dyslexic you know you're so nervous and you want to be like I'm not a problem and I can do it yeah but anyway damn dude did it it was no Sanford and Son I didn't even know about it until an hour ago you got that NeuroGum that you just did? No. I stole a pack.
Someone got me a pack of NeuroGum. You like that stuff, huh? Well, I wanted a little pick-me-up.
Want some coffee? I went online. No, I'm good now.
But I was online, and I wanted to buy this stuff and try it. And I got scammed.
It was like NeutraGum. The same packaging as NeuroGum.
And then I was like, this ain't the stuff. These motherfuckers.
These motherfuckers. Do you mess around with nootropics, though? There's a lot of good ones out there.
Nootropics. Yeah, that's what NeuroGum is.
I know what that word means, but why don't you tell the audience? It's these things. This is NeuroMints.
This is the same company. They make mints.
It's just like caffeine. Nootropics, no.
It's like theanine, caffeine, a bunch of... It's essentially nutrients that help brain function.
So it helps with your memory. It helps with your verbal memory.
Like to be able to read... You know, sometimes you're searching for a word.
You can't find it. This stuff helps with that.
Helps you read. Yeah.
Not just this. It probably would.
I think it's just... It helps.
It's the building blocks for human neurotransmitters, as it's been explained to me. Like there's certain nutrients that like, you know, like vitamin D.
It helps muscle synthesis. It helps a bunch of things.
It helps your immune function. There's a bunch of nutrients that do different things in your body, right? All right.
And theanine is a really good one for memory. There's a bunch of alpha choline.
Was it alpha GPC choline? Is that what it is? Acetylcholine. There's quite a few different nutrients that have been identified as to helping brain function.
And so the way I found out about this stuff, there was Bill Romanowski, the football player. He has a company.
He's got really good stuff. It's called Neuro One.
And it's like a scoop. You just mix it in water and blend it up or whatever.
And I tried. I was on a radio station in San Francisco, and they gave it to me.
I was like, this is great. Where can you get this? It really does give you a little pick-me-up.
But not like five shots of espresso. You're like, ah! It's just like a little edge of focus.

Yeah, I could use a little memory booster.

I don't sleep well enough.

I'm really going to try to fix that because...

What are you going to do to fix it?

I'm going to...

You're going to be really proud of me.

You ready?

I'm ready.

I'm going to be taking...

I have a jujitsu class on Monday, my first one.

Really?

Really?

That'll help you sleep.

I think so.

You'll probably go to sleep a bunch of times in class.

Yeah.

I don't know. You ready? I'm ready.
I'm going to be taking, I have a jujitsu class on Monday, my first one. Really? That'll help you sleep.
I think so. You'll probably go to sleep a bunch of times in class.
Yeah. I actually do not have a neck for like a choke hold kind of sport.
I have, I'm 30% neck. Well, that is a large target, but my advice would be just to take it easy, slowly at first.
How old are you now? 26. look like shit you look great just go slowly that's my advice don't try to go too fast especially you have been working out hard have you been working out hard not and then now yeah the answer is no so that means you know your joints are not gonna be the most resilient don't don't try to do it all at once that's my thing with that by the way's with everything.
If, like, I'm going to run a marathon tomorrow. Hey, hey, hey.
Have you ever run before? No, I don't run at all. Right, right, right.
Okay. Let's not run a marathon.
Let's run a mile. Let's do one mile, which is a lot if you haven't run.
A mile is a lot. If you do not run, a mile is a lot.
Yeah. But you can't just run a marathon.
And if you're going to do jiu-jitsu, like, start slow. Don't try to do a two and a half hour session.
I'm going to roll with five guys today. Like, do-do-do-do-do-do.
Learn an arm bar. Learn how to tap.
Okay, this is a triangle. I told them, like, give me the most beginner thing.
Oh, they have to do it that way. Everyone's going to do it that way.
Nobody teaches you flying triangles the moment you get into the class. They teach you

beginner stuff like this is the mount,

this is side control, this is

the guard. They teach you

simple basics. It's good for confidence too,

I hear. Oh, yeah.
You can fight.

It'll help a lot. It does.
But it also

is great for stress relief.

Because no matter what your day

is, it will never be as

stressful as some dude mounting you trying to choke you unconscious this is now if you fight

that off and then you're done with your class like regular stuff is like whatever right right

some crazy homeless guy man fuck you you're like fuck you too guy take care you don't want to you

know you don't even want to be in any you don't have this desire to puff your chest out like a

lot of people do it's like stop now you're proud of me for doing this now you're about to be in any... You don't have this desire to puff your chest out like a lot of people do.

It's like, stop.

Now, you're proud of me for doing this.

Now, you're about to be not proud of me.

Ready?

I'm ready.

It's girls class.

It's all women's jujitsu.

I would not want that.

I don't want to get boners when I'm like...

I would not want that.

You're a woman.

You're not going to get a boner.

No, if I'm there.

You're a woman, Kyle.

Don't let anybody ever tell you different. Thank you so much for not misidentifying me.
Don't let anyone deny your humanity. I'm a ma'am.
What am I going to get upset about? I'm also taking a pickleball class. I like pickleball.
You know who plays pickleball every day? Wait, let me guess. 20 questions.
It's the only time I ever let you guess. Every time I jump in.
I'm going to say uh uh

don't Wait, let me guess. 20 questions.
It's the only time I ever let you guess. Every time I jump in.
I'm going to say Duncan Trussell takes pickleball. He might, but that's not who I was thinking of.
Who are you thinking of? Kid Rock. Oh, shit.
Played pickleball every day. I love any kind of racket ball sport.
He goes, yeah, I get up at 8 o'clock in the morning. My fucking trainer comes over to play pickleball.
I'm like, every day? It's like, every day.

I love it.

I want that kind of money where I can just pay out of it, come over and play pickleball.

Yeah.

It was a trainer.

He's got a trainer.

Probably teaching him.

I bet he's a pickleball wizard now.

He probably knows how to do the secret moves, how to slice the ball.

I'll destroy Kid Rocket pickleball.

You think so?

I'll destroy that guy.

Let's set it up.

He's a clown.

Whoa.

Kid Rocket's a clown.

I can't believe you're calling him out like this on my show. Dude, I'm just saying.
I don't think he's got it in him. He brought Bill Maher to the White House.
I have that underwear on. He brought Bill Maher to the White House.
Yeah, he is. And they had dinner with the president.
Are we in like a Mad Libs episode? I hope so. I hope so.
I'm scared of this tariff stuff because it's radical change. I'm scared of radical change.
Well, let me tell you what I think and I don't know anything good we don't both of us don't get this is a perfect time to speculate about the economy this is all his negotiating it's gonna come down it's not it's not gonna stay like this the bad thing will be is if all the other countries go fuck you America we're not gonna do any we're not gonna always a possibility and then that's a problem I think it's always a possibility also you're not nearly as charming if people can't speak your language like Trump is used to being able to charm people. Yeah, it's very charming But if you can't speak his language might look yeah, I might be like fuck this orange asshole It's like I mean like you know, I don't even know this guy What is he saying and someone has to tell you what he said like it's not cute when yeah Boris Yevinovich has to translate doesn't in your ear He says these tariffs, this is bullshit.
It's part of the game. He says it's the most terrific thing.
It's part of the card game. We are playing all together globally.
It's like a woman from Poland, and she's like, oh, you're coming in a joke. And you're like, no, you're not going to find this funny.
I can't tell you a joke. A joke.
Let me tell you first about the history of my country and suffering. Yeah.
Let me tell you how many people stall and starve to death. And then you tell me your cute little fucking joke.
In my village. Yeah, I've had that happen recently.
I was like, I'm not telling you. It's not going to go well.
Yeah. That's a tough one.
When people ask me if they don't know who I am genuinely, the easiest one to say is I do commentary for the UFC. Oh, that's good.
That's the easiest one. Because if I say podcast.
Well, people know you now. Some people don't know me.
It's nice. Every now and then I get a person who doesn't know who I am, like some old fella.
Oh, an old fella. What do you do? Yeah.
What do you do, Sean? I do commentary for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, and then they look at you sideways like, what? That's still, though, could be a conversation. Here's what I do on a plane.
I work with computers. And they're like, oh.
That's good. Finances, too.
Yeah, but if I want to have a conversation with someone, if I don't mind having a conversation with them, I just don't want to explain the whole thing. I forget you do UFC commentary.
That's another great job. That's a job.
You have all the great jobs. I have all the great jobs.
But that's the only job I have. That's an actual job where someone pays me.
Like I show up. I work for somebody.
I'm an employee. I sign up.
Is there something you want to do that you haven't done? No. Are you looking? No, I'm not looking to do anything.
Do you have a goal? No, I have zero goals. Zero goals.
What about retiring and traveling the world? I don't have any retirement ideas. No.
Pyramids? You ever see those? I want to see the pyramids. I do too, but I think what's going to happen is you go, oh, there they are.
And now you're like- I don't think so. I've been obsessed with the pyramids since I was like a little boy.
Can you go in them now at all? Yes. You can? Yeah, you can go in them.
Okay. And if I went, I'd hopefully be able to get someone to guide me, like a really good person.
I could guide you. Could you do it as Caitlyn Jenner, though? Yeah, baby.
This is where the guy died. Imagine we filmed that.
Yeah. He was buried with his dog.
Have you seen this whole controversy that they think that there's these enormous structures? This is... I don't know, but there's a guy named Jimmy Corsetti.
He has this great YouTube show called Bright Insight. He's been on my show many times.
Very smart guy and very reasonable guy and also is a huge believer that there's a missing chapter in ancient history. He doesn't believe in it.
He thinks it ignores something that everyone knows. There's this enormous water table that's underneath the pyramids.
So the pyramids, there's water underneath the pyramids. And Mr.
Beast apparently on his YouTube thing that he did with the pyramids went into the water. So they were all in the water splashing around the water.
So this water table. Yeah.
So underneath the pyramids, there's water that flows. That seems unstable to me in my engineering mind.
To talk to you before they built that 5,000 years ago. Was it 5, 10? It's probably more.
It's probably a lot more. If I had a guess, I think they're wrong.
I think the hieroglyphs that are on the wall that depict pharaohs leading back to 30,000 plus years is probably accurate. I really want to know how they built those.
I really think that's a those you see some of those stones are so I don't believe aliens or I don't believe that happened I think people built that but how did they get some of those stones up there well I was watching this guy here's the answer I'll tell you who this guy is because uh shout out to him because he had a very interesting take on it

I watch a lot of these like silly YouTube videos that are all in like ancient history and ancient civilizations and stuff like that But this one was really kind of interesting fat people falling down And this guy is I'll send it to Jamie His is Michael Button, and he had a very good point.

And his point is that there's this linear path between, like, cave person and what we are today. But he's saying, but human beings in the form that we exist in today have essentially been around for at least 315,000 years.
and there's all these large rise these large peaks and dips in the historical timeline of the temperature of the earth. And in these peaks of temperature, you have all this growth and change, and then you have ice ages, and you have drop-offs, and then there's cataclysms and natural disasters, and he brings up the volcano eruption, the Toba volcano eruption.
But what he's essentially saying is human beings in this form, with the minds that we have, have existed for 300,000 years. Okay.
Capacity. But yet only over the last few thousand years have we seen all this progress.
And he thinks what he's proposing is if there was a super advanced civilization A hundred thousand years ago there would be almost nothing left So we're supposing that what we find is all that's ever been what he's saying is if you imagine 200,000 years of development of technology of tools of agriculture, all the different things that could have happened in those 200,000 years of development of technology, of tools, of agriculture, all the different things that could have happened in those 200,000 years. That you could have had an insanely advanced society 200,000 years ago and then it gets completely wiped out.
And then 115 to 150, depending on who you ask, thousand years later, you start seeing what we've seen the last few hundred years

Okay, I I'm gonna push back on on that wouldn't we have wouldn't they have some metal there? No, they're all they would have deal, but he would this was talking about When you have enormous spans of time all you have left is stone you have rocks That's really go just disintegrates. It all goes away.
It all just gets absorbed by the earth. There's very little metal that is going to...
Any forged... If you have a knife and you leave that knife under the ground, just the earth will erode it.
A few thousand years, it's gone. Oh, so they probably had combustion engines and stuff? Here, look at it.
Steel takes probably 50 to 500 years to decomp decompose depending on the type of an environmental conditions with stainless steel potentially taking over a thousand years so just imagine something that's a hundred thousand years old you got nothing there's nothing left and he so he makes this very interesting argument in this video that i never considered before it's just the timeline of human beings being human beings. And he's like, what was it? Why was there this great leap in technology? And it is completely possible that there was great leaps hundreds of thousands of years ago.
But then the question is, like, what happened to us? How did we get so far ahead of all these other creatures? How did we get so far ahead? I know you talk about talk about like this much smarter than a monkey. I mean...
Oh, we have most genes. Most of our genes are chimpanzee genes.
Most of them. What are the things under the pyramids or pillars? What does that do? I don't know what they're seeing.
See, some sort of satellite ground penetrating... Is it a radar? A type of radar, Jamie? What are they calling it? Oh my, Jamie.
What are they calling it? They have these images. The problem is also these guys are Italian.
So they're saying it in Italian. And so I don't know exactly what they're saying.
I'm just reading the translation. I want to hear their voice.
I want to hear if they sound wacky. Everybody is talking in Italian.
It sounds beautiful. But you could say nonsense shit with an Italian accent.

It sounds incredible.

Yeah.

Because I don't speak Italian.

Beautiful language.

Beautiful language.

So these images that show these feet, look, if it's real and that stuff is under the water table, that's actually even fucking crazy.

Explain the collected acoustics from deep in the ground, including seismic waves, noise from human activity, and photon interactions to map newly found shafts and chambers that extend more than 2,000 feet below the surface. Biondi said these waves were collected by radar, specifically by analyzing Doppler centroid abnormalities, shifts or distortions in frequency patterns used to detect underground structures or changes.
However, Professor Lawrence Conyers, a radar expert at University of Denver, who specializes in archaeology and was not involved in the study, still raised doubts. He said photon interactions, this is science fiction, and frequency shifts of what? He said, we now have three different energy sources moving around, radar, electromagnetic, sound seismic This is all gobbledygook sounds like he didn't get invited to the party Hmm.
I heard that guy's a furry. I made that up.
I'm sorry, sir but show me the images of what they believe that they've found because it's If it is a real thing if you really do have these, I mean, the 3D images,

they really stepped out of line drawing it so clearly.

Yeah.

Like, that's not what you see.

You're honeydicking me.

They got to dig.

But if it is under the water table, that's even crazier.

So if they're using the water, if the pyramid,

there's a guy named Christopher Dunn that believes that the pyramid is a gigantic electrical power plant. Oh, yeah, like a Tesla coil kind of thing.
Yeah. And the needles.
So if they're using the water for energy and they actually have these columns that extend into the water, that's even crazier. That's an even more advanced civilization than just building these columns.
Well, we got to dig. Why don't we dig? Start over me and you get down there how many shovels you think we need should we be safe um yeah definitely extras for for sure jamie's back goes out if he digs all day though jamie's what he told me that that golf swings that kind of hurt his back i'm gonna worry about that's a serious golf swing you're a a little jealous.
I heard a nice pop. You're a little jealous.
I felt it from you. I was a little jealous.
Definitely jealous of his equipment. You heard that whack, and you're like, ooh, that's going far.
What's your handicap, Jamie? I think people want to know. Oof.
Oof. Yeah, I mean, what was yours when you were playing all the time? Oh, he diverted you.
I won the— Turned the question around on you. I know.
I don't want to be judged by a guy that's really good.

First of all, and this is not-

I know it seems like I bragged a lot on this show,

but this is a fact.

I was the Ash Park Valley Country Club Junior Golf Champion.

Oof, so you were probably three or four when you were there?

Maybe better even?

No.

There was not a-

I think there was like five kids in the country.

What's your 80 death?

Now, I'll shoot like a 95. I was probably like 80 when I was a kid.
So that's like 8-ish? 85. Maybe 10.
10 handicap? Is that good, Jamie? Yeah, that was really good. What's yours? Probably, it's 20.
20. Jamie's got a line drive that'll fuck you up, though.
No, I know. I heard a thawack in in that room What's the furthest you've ever driven the ball, Jamie? I said that Wind conditions coming to play there, Joe No, no, no I'm going for ball speed right now, I think And I've gotten over 160 before But that's only one part of the equation Is that world class? It's pretty high That's fast as fuck 160 miles an hour an hour? That's crazy.
Golf ball can't take it. Most people who play golf don't break 100.
So you're already in the top 10% or something. Wow.
But that's what you're obsessed with, right? Sure. I was just trying to beat my friends, really.
You play for money? Golf's fun with money. Yeah, for sure.
I mean, if I go with most people here, they're only playing for money. Oh, so fun.

Yeah, I can't get addicted to that game. You just didn't like golf?

No, I never played it.

You've never tried it?

No.

What do you mean?

I never played it.

How could you not even try it?

Because I'm scared of games.

I get addicted to games.

I don't have any time.

You're scared of games.

This is a big thing you're admitting now.

No, legitimately.

What about chess?

Do you play chess?

I love chess.

No, same thing. No one will play with me.
Are you that good? Because you're on the spectrum. You're probably really good at it.
Lately, I've been playing a lot online. I play.
But it's like, I want to play. Come to the mothership.
Tony plays all the time. He does? Yeah, Tony and Brian Simpson, they play all the time.
Tony's pretty good. Oh, I'd love to play.
Tony's a smart fucker. Yeah.
He's a smart fucker. He's good at chess.
He's probably a little spectrumyy himself. Yeah.
We're all spectrum-y. A little bit.
Yeah, to be that quick with gross. But I feel about chess the same way I feel.
Chess maybe even more so because I can play on my computer anytime I want. I can't do that.
I can't have that in my life. Why not? I mean, listen.
Golf is such a great. Listen, I know I would love it.
Everyone, Ron White loves it.

Jamie loves it.

Tony loves it.

They love it.

Tony just started playing when he moved to Austin.

He fucking loves golf.

I fucking love golf.

I don't play much at all, but you're just afraid that you're going to get too into it.

That's what it sounds like.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

No, I have like a little switch that goes off, and then I become obsessed with things.

That's how you get stuff done. There's a game right now that I have it with.
It's pool. I play pool pretty well.
I played – you don't remember this, but I played pool with you at your old studio and I don't think I hit any balls. I think you just went and you played pool.
Yeah, I just ran out. And you're just like, we're done.
The game's over. I was like, oh, that was fun fun that's the fucked up thing about pool if a guy breaks first he could just break and run out yeah 10 racks in a row it's pretty rude of you i was a guest i'm rude with pool i won't let anybody win you're like two balls left i had all my balls nothing you could have been like here you know just miss a little bit let me go you don't want that in your life no i do that's all when i was younger i didn't want you should have a boxing match like that old guy had i've hit my head so many times take a beating that guy didn't have any fear that he's gonna get punched back did you notice that was way it was like poorly rigged there's some good fake fights online this is one guy who's a politician in Mexico, and he got like fake muscles.
So he had like those fake muscles, and then he had a fake fight with the fake muscles. And it's like a super obvious fake fight.
You watch it like, what the fuck am I looking at? This is nuts. Look at that giant bicep.
Weird, like bulging, like their oil. They shove oil into their skin.
It's disgusting. And it makes your like how does that how bad does that feel and they forget to do their legs so they just look so weird you gotta balance that out well people get their legs oiled up too i'm gonna get oiled up and i'm gonna get huge i'm gonna do jujitsu the whole my life from here on in my life is gonna change this is a good place to do that.
Then you need to move here. A lot of jujitsu here, too.

I'm going to be out here a lot, I think.

I really do think I will be out here a lot.

Dude, we can use you out here.

I'm out here.

I've been out here like four times in the past three months.

I know.

That's what I'm saying.

Just get a fucking place.

No one loves me in New York.

Yeah, fuck Brooklyn.

I know.

No one loves me.

We love you here.

I mean, I do feel more welcomed here.

So, yeah.

There's golf.

Golf can get me out here. If Tony plays golf.
Oh, they all play golf. Everybody plays golf out here.
Alright. You're in.
I have to go to the bathroom so bad. Let's wrap this bitch up.
Let's wrap this up. I can't concentrate.
I can see it in your face. I have to pee so bad.
I know it's the worst. You can't form sentences.
Okay, we'll wrap it up. Tell everybody how they can find you.
Get my crypto coin at KyleDoney.com. I'm on tour.
Boston, Vermont, Philly, Vegas. And Instagram.
There it is. Live dates.
No, not again. That's with that.
Look at that pic. That's your flamethrower.
Oh, that's my flamethrower. That's Elon's not a flamethrower.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.

And your Instagram is?

Kyle.

Instagram is KyleDunigan1.

And you may or may not be the star of Monday Night's Kill Tony.

May or may not.

You don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kyle Dunigan.

Thank you.

Thank you, brother.

Thank you.

That was fun.

Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody.
We'll see you next time.