#2377 - Carrot Top

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Thank you.

All right, man.

See you, my man.

He is well.

Thank you for that.

That's a bad thing.

Very, very good.

It's very funny.

You brought a box of your stuff, and one of them immediately started going off like it's an alarm.

What is that telling us?

Was it a FedEx box?

Yeah,

it was a it's a it's that commercial that runs for late night uh Viagra Seattle.

And it says, hey, we'll send you your Seattle's in Viagra and unmarked white envelopes.

And I would say, fuck that.

I want just the opposite.

I want my neighbors to know I'm getting late.

I want my neighbors to know I have a dick, a hard dick.

So it's got sirens and whistles.

My dick's hard.

My dick is, yeah.

And that's, you know,

engineering.

We were just talking about you the other night at the comedy club.

We were like, he owns props.

Like, you can't do props now.

When I was a kid, when I first started doing stand-up, and I'm sure you too, there were prop comics.

Sure.

There was a bunch of guys.

Yeah, the WID.

The WID.

Yeah, there was quite a few guys that were really good.

But you became so successful as a prop comic, you kind of stole the market.

Oh.

Yeah.

There's no young comics coming up.

Nobody wants to be a Caratom.

I think that's what it is.

Like, any shit I still get.

So

you've been looking for a long time.

I don't think you get shit either.

No, not as much.

No.

But you still get the aftermath of it.

Like, just on the plane today, somebody's like, I don't care what.

What are you doing?

I said, said, I'm doing rogue.

And they say, oh, man, I don't care what everybody else says.

You're funny.

I'm like, who is everybody?

But

who's everybody else?

Yeah.

Well, I get that a lot.

You know,

all the people that

hate you.

I personally think you're funny.

That kind of stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm one of the rare.

I'm one of the rare ones that thinks you're good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah, I can't.

You know, I had to beg my mom to come.

She did not want to come.

Okay.

Yeah, it's such a weird thing.

We get a lot of that, right?

Well, we talked about that the last time.

I think you took way too much shit from comedians, and I never understood it.

The weird thing that comedians do where they hate on other comedians, like, good lord, we live in a world that is filled with war and famine and disease and pollution and garbage and chaos and corruption.

And you want to concentrate on a prop comic?

Is that really

what the problem is in this world?

Right, other comics.

That's true.

Yeah, and it's almost always comics that are doing better than you.

Yes.

I think we tried breaking it down last time as to why.

And I think it was only because I think one, I did get successful, and it wasn't quick, quick, but it was quicker than maybe most.

And I, you know, because I hit the scene right at the right time.

I had the act that was, you know,

it was perfect for television, right?

Because it's visuals.

And

I got a little success.

And I think people were like, you know, they would ask Jay, you know,

why do you, why do you have Carrotop on like every month?

And Jay was like,

brings the gun.

But I do remember

the comedy, the evening at the improv.

And

I played mostly that and the other one,

the Cheesecake Factory, what it was.

And then

the comedy store was more.

Admits he loved me, but I never really played there a lot.

Bud loved me.

One night

I came in.

I said, you know, I had my little background.

Bud Friedman from the

improv, sorry.

And I had my box of stuff.

and he always loved me.

You know, he says, oh, man, there's no spots tonight.

And I said,

well, I drug it all the way, you know, fuck.

And he's like,

let me, let me, I'll see if I can get you in somewhere.

So the tonight show,

Bookers were there that night.

They were, the Jim McCauley and these people were there to pick, watch comics and pick them for the tonight show.

So he's like, hey, you know what?

I'm going to slide you in.

They're going to love you.

So I go up and I had the best set ever I've ever had.

It was just a magical night.

And I don't know know if I was just, I knew they were there.

Every comic was coming going, Jesus, dude.

Fuck, I mean, leveled it, right?

And Jim McCauley walks up and he says, that was amazing.

And I said, oh, thanks.

I said, you booked the tonight show.

You think that maybe I could get on?

And he said, not a chance in hell.

And I was like, I had just killed.

I go, why?

He says,

you're not, you're, you're, Johnny would never book you.

And I said, why?

I said, you, you, but you book, you booked the show, right?

He goes,

he would never allow it.

I said, why?

Johnny Carson.

Yeah.

I said, why?

He says, he hates variety.

What a weird thing.

And I stopped in the middle of my, and I'm like, the whole fucking tonight shows variety.

Carnack, throwing the hatchets, every fucking thing they do.

Ed McMahon's a fucking prop, right?

The whole thing is variety.

It's on animals.

Animals.

You think I'm kidding, right?

So I'm like, well, okay.

And then finally, I mean, I'm talking like two weeks after Johnny left, I was on with Jay.

And it was just like, literally.

But the weird part about it was it still was the same studio.

You know, they had the blue, you know, the gold star.

So you're standing right where Johnny was, and the same, like, Ed DeCordova was still in the booth, and everyone was still, like, there.

Yeah.

So you felt like it was the tonight show.

But how weird is that?

Like, no,

you know, I don't like variety.

And then I would get, you know, singled out because I would do Leno so many times.

I'd ask if I could do Letterin.

They said, no, you're Team Leno.

I'm like, oh.

It's like that Twilight movie.

I'm at Team Fucking whatever.

There's two teams.

Thank God that doesn't exist in podcasts.

It's a disgusting fucking thing where if you were on one person's side, you're the enemy.

Yeah, yeah.

Ugh.

Problem Leno.

How stupid is that?

That's what I was, I guess.

Well, it was such famine thinking back then because, you know, there was only a certain amount of

face on there.

Well, I never thought it was a wig.

No, people had to see that thing.

That thing on straight?

Isn't it weird that women can wear wigs?

No problem at all.

A man wears a wig, it's put purple.

You're a loser.

Absolutely.

A man with a hair piece.

Nice hair piece.

Yeah.

Or implants.

You know, when I would, I lived in L.A., this is true.

I lived in L.A.

I'd go to Gold's gym, and my hair was even more out of control.

I had big-ass hair.

Yeah, you had a giant

fucking arms.

And these ladies were behind me, and they're like, oh, my God, look at that woman's arms, right?

Seriously, I had makeup and into the whole nine yards.

And they were just amazed and they came over they said how do you get your arms that big and i turned around i said

i don't know you know arm workout and she's like oh and i could see their face turn like it's a dude but i was kind of you know pretty then you know it's like you know the younger a lot of hair and makeup so and then that same gym one day i'm i'm i'm working out this guy says um

nice arms and i said thanks he's like uh

who

did the work right and i thought he's making i said i didn't i put in the fucking work you know like who works out for me me?

He's like, No, no, no, I mean,

uh, implants, right?

I'm like,

only in LA would you have someone at a gym walk up and say, Oh, yeah, implants?

Yeah, I have implants.

You fucking go to the gym and you do

curls out, assuming that someone has implants is pretty wild.

But I don't have that big of, I mean, this guy thought I, you know, I that's how gross LA is.

Yeah, yeah,

that's like the default assumption is that everything's fake.

Yep, no matter what.

Where'd you get your butt?

Who did your butt?

Who did your butt?

Where'd you get your nose done?

Yeah, it's always everything.

No, it's true.

No one wants to believe that.

Who does your plugs?

Yeah, no one wants to believe that you're natural.

Another thing I got, too, weird, I just had a guy today at the airport.

He said, hey, you still working out?

And I'm like, you're supposed to say, I see you're still working out, right?

You don't ask him if you're still working out.

That means you don't look like you work out.

Well, I think he's probably just trying to start a conversation with you.

No, I did.

I said, you mean, I see you're still.

And he goes, yeah, what did I say?

I said, you said, do you still work on it?

Yeah.

And what's the answer to that?

You just say yes.

I say no.

No, I'm

yeah.

No, I said I'm not feeling well.

Yeah.

I'm dying.

I'm dying.

Yeah.

Oh, you didn't hear?

Like, well,

it's radiation poisoning.

Yeah.

Something happened.

One of my toys.

They always say you lift light.

I hate that too.

I'm in the gym.

You always lift light.

Was I?

I guess it means I don't lift.

I don't, I do weights.

I don't do heavy weights.

I don't have spotters.

I just do cables and do some dumbbells, but people always do that.

You always work light, like fuck

I'm heavy for me, people are silly.

There's a lot of people that just don't know what to say, you know.

They meet someone famous and they

don't know what to say, they just get weird, they do, and then they afterwards they probably leave and go, Why the fuck did I say that?

Jesus Christ, I feel so stupid.

I've done that before, meet famous people, act like an idiot, and you're like, What a

shit.

So, I try to give people a little grace.

I am so

true of that.

If I see celebrity, I'm like, oh, I'm not going to.

I'm not.

Hey, Panama, I'm going to fuck it up, really, right?

Do you get a lot of people coming to your shows that are famous?

You must have.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

We have

a lot of people.

We had a guy here, Chris Jericho, who was at the show last night, and he was, he said,

the wrestler.

Oh, cool.

Real nice guy.

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You've been at the Luxor for how long now?

19, coming up on 20.

That's crazy.

Yeah, November.

You probably have the longest residency of anybody in Vegas.

Other than like Pennsylvania.

They were just talking, but they don't count because one only talks.

They've been there forever.

They've been there forever.

Yeah.

I remember I saw them there in 94.

94?

98.

98.

I saw them there in 98.

Yeah.

Are they still?

At the Rio, back when the Rio was nice.

Yeah, right.

Now it's like, you've got to wear a bulletproof vest along.

They should just light it up shithole.

It's a weird place.

It's weird how some of those places just, they just fall off.

They just

get tired and they no one wants to go there anymore.

But then if they last long enough, then they become like circus circus where they're fun.

Right, right.

It's fun to go there.

No, it is.

And in Luxor, they just did a whole big revamp on it and nice.

It's a beautiful hotel.

Every time I walk in, it's just spectacular to see how they made that.

Well, I'm obsessed by Egypt.

So for me, it's like, I wish I...

the Luxor was the best hotel.

I'd stay there every time.

Because

it's a fucking giant pyramid.

We actually have a lot of people who are in the middle

for you.

We did a Fear Factor stunt where people had to slide down the Luxor once.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, they had to

grab flags on the way down.

They had to slide down.

See, I'm not doing that.

Yeah,

it was pretty crazy.

Pretty ridiculous back in the day.

That is crazy.

Yeah.

20 fucking years, man.

That's a long-ass time to be doing a residency.

So before that, you were doing colleges and you were touring.

Yeah.

Do you miss any of that?

You do a little touristy.

We do a little we do a little touring now and then but uh

it's only when i do when i get the time the the off time so if i get a week off like i'm here i could be home in my boat but i'm here right

um

i do road shows but you know you can't all you got to take a break here and there because you can't kill yourself but uh i like the you know i like the the touring i like the bus you feel like a rock star you know you pull up on a bus and you got the big venue and there's a sound check and there's people and meeting we have that the looks but not like you know, people hanging out by the bus.

You know, I get people like, hey, you fucked my mom.

I'm like, great.

Know you're getting old.

Remember that?

I used to remember, remember you fucked me.

Now, hey, you fucked my mom.

Pretty soon it'll be, you blew my grandpa.

You know, it'd be something, it'll be something.

When wait, his grandpa blew me.

Your grandpa blew me.

Let's get this straight.

Your grandpa's a liar.

Yeah, first of all.

First of all, your grandpa's a liar.

He's dead.

I'm sorry.

On his deathbed.

You know, carrot top blooming one.

Thank God he's dead.

You can't tell anybody.

The one thing that's good about not touring, though, like, because I mostly just work my club now, is

I never feel tired.

Like, the traveling tiredness is horrible.

You realize how bad it is to be flying all the time.

That is one great advantage of having the show every night at the Luxor because I leave my house.

Yeah.

Sleep in your own bed.

Oh, yeah.

I'm

home by 10.30, 11 latest.

That is a huge plus.

That's a huge plus yep because the road is it's it can tear you up and then like i said there's the ups and there's the pluses and minuses of it it's fun you're in a rock you're a rock band you know there's pluses and minuses but for me um

i mean this is the first time in my life where i haven't toured yeah the last few years last three four years

and it's nice well i guess four three years ago i was touring still like two years the last two years i've just since the club opened i just stopped and it's been amazing i love it perfect you know all my friends are doing arenas, they send me pictures.

Have fun.

I don't want to do it.

I fucking want to get out there.

I probably will once I make a new hour.

Because right now I'm at like 40-something minutes.

Once I get a full new hour, I'll probably do some tour dates just for the fuck of it.

But being at home has giant advantages.

You don't realize how much you're destroying your body until you stop doing it.

Oh, it's yeah.

Yeah, having the show is nice for that reason, too.

I mean, you can you have a normal day, you know.

I had a dog for a bit, you can take a dog and go to work and come home, and you're, you know, watching Sports Center at 10:30 and bed.

Do you feel weird living in Vegas?

Vegas is an odd place.

It's like you have to find well, I live in the, you know, in the Summerlin area where it's like normal.

Yeah, so it's a normal suburby.

But then you go to work inside the devil's ball.

Then I go inside the devil's ball is a good way to put it.

And yeah, and then

I leave that down the shaft,

back to Summerlin.

It spits you right out there.

You know, I add the tip into Summerlin.

Whew, we're home.

That was hell.

I mean, I find it funny.

There's a college there and a big college, you know, UNLV.

I find that funny because you imagine asking your parents, like, hey, I want to go to college.

And they're like, oh, right on.

Where are you going to go?

Michigan, Iowa?

You're like, I'm thinking about Vegas.

It's a good school.

Now you're fucking not going to Vegas for college.

My buddy Sam Tripley went there.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It's a good college.

I mean, it's a good college, I'm just saying, you know, for

the joke purposes of it.

Well, it seems like Vegas has become more of a community now, right?

They have the Raiders now.

Aren't they getting a major team?

The Knights and the

Knights.

What do they?

Hockey.

Hockey.

Right.

That's right.

They've got a hockey team now.

Always have fights.

Fights

almost every day.

Oh, yeah, right.

Fights.

Some kind of boxing or UFC event or something.

And

they're talking of building the baseball stadium, I think.

Yeah, I heard.

The A's.

That's nice.

What's going to be the Vegas A's?

That's going to be weird.

I guess.

Yeah, I don't know.

Is it the Vegas Raiders?

Is that what they call themselves?

Yeah, Las Vegas Raiders.

That's weird.

Yeah.

Even the comments here are like, yeah, Oakland's.

You can't say Oakland Raiders.

You can't, yeah.

It takes a long time.

People still say

Washington Redskins.

Just every Chris Collinsworth last week.

You know,

Redskin.

What do they call themselves now?

The Redskins.

The

Commanders.

And you're talking, this is pretty good.

I'm like a sports guy.

I know this stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Commanders.

Yeah, Renskid's a weird one, though.

Washington Commanders.

That one's problematic.

Yeah.

You know.

Well, there's a lot of them, I guess, that, though.

There's some article someone did.

It was really great.

It broke down everything that could be

like the Braves, the Thing, the Chiefs.

They went through all these different things.

We'd have to get rid of everything.

How about Notre Dame?

The only thing left was like the dolphins.

But

it's a dolphin.

You can't hurt a dolphin.

Yeah, but then there's dolphins in captivity.

It's kind of gross that you're capitalizing on dolphins in captivity.

There was a lot of people that were upset about the Notre Dame using the fighting Irish using that little leprechaun guy.

Right, yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

I think they're going to have a problem with everything.

I mean, you know, geez, Louise.

Yep.

That's all it is.

You ever get protested?

No.

No, but she seems shocked.

No, I haven't, but I thought.

I had a nightmare one night that I did.

Like, it was just, you know, it would just be people outside the looks or just mad about something.

No, but I've thought about that because I know people have been.

Have you been?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, but see, that's so strange.

Yeah.

What a minor, just a bunch of people, like, mad about something.

Bald guys, you know, it's always something, you know, whatever it is.

People just get upset.

It's always a small group of people because it's actually organized

by actual humans versus like these crowdfunded ones where like they show up on tour buses and they all have

professionally made science hand to them.

They're all getting paid to protest.

That's a weird thing that they're doing today.

That didn't exist when I was a kid.

Like paid protesters.

I don't think so.

I was watching a documentary on it on YouTube the other day that was they followed this woman who is a professional paid protester and she goes from free Palestine to this to that to she's been doing it for years.

She goes from one protest to the next.

That's her job.

That's her job.

Yeah.

And she makes you know X amount $100 a day.

Wow.

And they fly around.

Fuck, stays at the four seasons, maybe I'll start with that.

I think that kind of should be illegal.

Yeah, it kind of.

Yeah, because it's kind of a lie.

It's kind of

a fraud.

It's beyond fraud.

And whoever's funding it is right.

Who's paying them?

It's usually NGOs, non-government organizations that get taxpayer money, unfortunately.

But it's a weird thing that we are pretending that these people are outraged when they really just want to sandwich.

You see them all the time in the news, yeah.

and people don't know the real, right?

They don't know they're not real.

No, but they're not.

Until someone points it out like you just did, and then they get exposed, and then people are like, no.

You're just listening to the hype of the, what do you call it, the,

you know, the, what do you call it?

When they say something, you know.

Propaganda.

Propaganda.

Or the other one where they're like, oh, that's just, you know, the world's flat and that kind of

conspiracy theories.

So I love those because I, you know, with my dad working at NASA, I would always answer, ask people, like, what, like, what do you think?

What did your dad do at NASA?

He was an engineer.

He trained the astronauts in the

simulation.

Did you?

Nice.

Yes.

Yes.

I wish my dad was alive.

He'd punch you right now.

Oh, yeah.

Because my dad,

I slip, I move.

Yeah.

No, because

we just had a discussion backstage.

God dang, a couple days ago.

I don't know what.

Something happened about a flag or something.

It was something about a flag.

A flag waving on the moon?

No, it was something about a flag, like burning flag, something.

And I said, my friend said, that's an interesting question.

I wonder

if the flag is still on the moon.

And I said,

that's a great question.

Like, it was one of those you had to break it down, right?

Yeah.

So I'd say, well, my dad would know, and I guess I'm not the brightest guy, but I would do like an engineer and would break it down.

Well, there's not, you know, it's...

There's no wind on the moon.

I mean, there might be cosmic something wind up there, but it's not, right?

And there's nothing that's going to deteriorate the flag, so it's probably still there.

Unless it got hit by micrometeorites.

Other than that, it would be right.

Because there's no atmosphere on the moon,

a very, very thin atmosphere.

So it gets pelted all the time.

Right.

The only thing that would probably be right, but it's unless how deep the fuckers put it.

But my dad trained him to drive that little lunar rover.

And so the joke I was going to put in the show, I said, you know, NASA can now

can get, they're good, they can zoom in and look at it.

So here's the NASA zoom in on the, they on the moon.

You see the flag.

See, I told you, the fucking moon's still there.

And then we pan over, and there's the Land Rover, but it's up on blocks, and they've looted it and taken all the wheels off of it.

Said, see, the fucking thing.

They've already stole it.

They've already tearing it.

They did take photos.

I think it was India.

Was it India or China?

One of the satellites that they had hovering the moon took

appropriately blurry, ambiguous photos of what they claim was the landing site, like where the lunar module was and where the buggy is.

That could be the punchline at the end.

Of course it's still there in some soundstage in L.A.

I think the sound stage is probably in Vegas.

I think it was out in the design.

It might be in Summerlin.

It might be near my house.

Could be.

I think it's out where they film, where they do like UFO back

engineering.

Yeah, maybe.

That's another weird thing.

You're right where the Luxor is, is right across the street from where those guys take off to go to

Area 51.

My brother flew those.

Really?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Here's the crazy thing.

My brother was Air Force, and so he retired Air Force F-16 fighter jet pilot, and now

for about three years he flew those red-striped planes.

And the weird thing is I'm in the Luxor.

When I first got the gig, and I was in the, and my room was at the top of the, not with the, not on the light that'd be a horrible room to be in people like is your room with the light on it yeah my room was with the light in it for people that don't know there's a giant it's got like big office but they actually had a toned down yeah

it was indeed yeah there's three things you can see from outer space by the way the great wall of china the luxor light and my cock

um thank you

i'm here all week

i'm actually here all week all week um

so

what was i oh oh so i'm looking out the window right Every morning I would look out and I'd see the planes, and I didn't know what they were.

I thought they were some private guy, you know,

a big billionaire that has all these jets out there.

They were blue.

So I thought, oh, this is another billionaire of red jets.

And so then there's four channels on my TV.

It was like when I was a kid, right?

And the Luxor.

It was just the Luxor channel.

So the Luxor channel would have on a loop every day, this goddamn thing about the red striped planes.

And this is real, right?

So I'm watching it, and they're like, no one in the world knows where these red striped planes are.

They fly out of a secret location.

I swear to God, in the West, and I'm like, I'm looking out my window, like, they're fucking right there.

And it's serious.

Like, no one knows for years.

People have tried to discover where the red planes fly in and out of.

I'm like, this is a joke.

So I called my brother and I said, you know, he fly.

I said, this thing says that you're like top secret.

You don't fly anymore.

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

You know, my brother can't tell me.

He wouldn't tell me.

I just thought that was so crazy.

I'm like, there's a whole show saying there's no red planes and there's a mystery to if you could find them.

And I'm like,

everybody knows where they are.

You can zoom in and take a picture of it.

That's ridiculous.

Everybody literally knows where they are.

You could see them from Mandalay Bay.

Unless they are fake ones.

They're the ones that the deploy.

See, the decoy.

The decoy.

Just like the 747, then they have the other 747.

Yeah, when Bob Lazar was working on back engineering UFOs, allegedly, that's where he used to fly out of.

They'd pick him up there and he'd fly over to Area S4,

quick, quick little flight out into the middle of Groom Lake.

Quick layover, and then get out and they'd say, figure this thing out.

Jeez.

Allegedly.

Allegedly, yeah.

Supposedly looks like that.

That one right there.

Right.

That's a good one.

Well, I thought that was a symbol of AC DC's album.

Look at that.

Doesn't it?

It looks a little bit like that.

No, it's this.

That's the sport model.

That's what Bob supposedly was working on in Area 51.

Yeah.

You know, who knows?

It's fun.

Yeah.

Funny stuff.

I love talking about space stuff, yeah.

But when you're looking at those actual planes,

I'd like to talk to one of those guys.

They tell you, though, that then they're fucked.

Oh, yeah.

Like, my brother's like, what are you talking about?

He would not.

No, he's,

you know, working in-and out.

No, you don't.

You fly this planes.

Tell me more.

He wouldn't tell you nothing?

No.

Even if they put the phones down and go for a walk?

No, no.

Nothing?

Your own brother?

Yep.

If you were my brother, I'd tell you everything.

Would you?

Fuck you.

I would, too.

I don't think I can't keep a secret.

That's probably why I was like, that's why you're not

why they wouldn't hire you.

People always ask me, like, does anybody ever tell you like secret, top-secret information?

I'm like, no, I have a big fucking mouth.

Exactly right.

If they told me that UFOs are real, I'd be like, look, I'm sorry.

Maybe they're going to put me in jail, but I have to tell you.

I always have that question too, honestly, about people that have had security clearances and that, and then they revoke them and they get rid of them.

My biggest.

You can take those.

I know these files.

Those are not working.

Yeah, these aren't working.

Something about your hair.

Yeah.

My

physique.

Let's just go headset, lesson.

Oh, my God.

Do you feel better?

It was a struggle.

Can I take my pants off, do you?

This is a pants.

This is a no-head phone, no pant wearing the zone.

You probably have extra pants in there anyway.

I'm on.

I do probably have something in there.

I knew I used to be in the middle of the day.

Do you even know what's in there?

Do you just structure your show or do you just reach in and start with it?

The show is structured, but when I come and do little things, there's not at all.

There's nothing zero.

Do you ever do guest sets like at a comedy club?

I used to make a thing.

Do you do it these days?

No.

No?

I mean, to kind of do like, this is what I'm doing today, but Tony, I bring a little, a little, a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of it.

Last time you did it.

It was very fun.

I saw some of that stuff.

Yeah, he said to me, I was at home, I said, I don't really want to do props.

You know, I want to talk.

I'm going to do, I want to be, you know, not carrot top.

He says, but that's what I want.

I want you to be that.

And he was right.

Because it was really, he was right.

Cause a lot of of his, it was both, right.

It was fun to talk, be funny without doing props, and then go in and show some of the stuff.

And he was beside himself.

He said, Are you here tomorrow night?

I'm here to do.

I'm here.

No.

No.

Till tonight.

I have a show there tomorrow night.

Ah, shit, I would.

I was going to say, it'd be fun if you.

Oh, that would be awesome.

Oh, man.

I would have done that in a heartbeat.

Another time.

You'll be back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Next time was planned on that.

Yeah, that would be fun.

That would be fun.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I just had Ron White come up on stage

just last Friday.

Oh, Oh, he was in Vegas.

He was in Vegas and he came out.

You know, Ron's just a hoot.

He says,

he comes and I said, you know,

I said, well, I thought, you know, what do you want me to do?

I said, well, you just do what I, you know, don't, you know, stress it out.

Don't come out and do 20 minutes.

Just, I think, just poke your head out.

I have a bit in my act

where I talk about my dad working at NASA and training astronauts.

And it says like Neil Armstrong and John Glenn.

All these pictures come up.

And Katy Perry.

And everybody goes, ah.

I said, if my dad was alive, you could hear him right now.

And he goes, what the fuck?

And I got Ron White to do the voice for it, right?

So the crowd, they already know it.

You just hear his voice.

What the fuck?

And everybody's like, Ron White.

So I said, that sounds like Ron White.

And I said, fucking, sounds a lot like Ron White.

And he walks out and he goes, well, no shit, Sherlock.

And the crowd loses it, right?

And he's so nice.

I was going to come out here and say something, but you're fucking, I was having a good set.

Fucking blowing the roof all of the fucking place and so he says do you still want it I said no dude joke all right I'll do it and he did some joke

and it was great because he's he was I'm watching the whole show he's like one of my men you know heroes in life he's sitting there watching the show and then he's gone for like I don't know his bits coming up I don't know where he is and you could smell pot the whole the whole theater so I smell like this it's not a joke and I'm like oh fuck I hope it's I mean Ron you can't like smoke weed in here

so he I go off after he gets, he comes out, and he's just, he just, whoo, it comes.

So I said, all right, another hand for Ron White.

And I said, some kind of, I said, and if you smell weed, it's probably, he's back, he goes back in my dress.

Now, there's another show back that's back down in there, all these stripper girls.

And he's, they're all like, hey, I didn't know you partied.

And I'm like, what?

Like, I didn't know you party.

I've been there 19 years.

I'm like, I don't party.

They're like, no, that's, oh, that's my friend Ron.

He's smoking weed.

They're like, holy, she's got good shit.

I mean, it was, it would just bellow through the whole lobby out into the lobby.

Yeah, he can go hard.

Oh, he goes,

I smoked weed with him and then done a set.

Be like, oh my God, what am I talking about?

Yeah, no.

He was so blitering.

And then he left his weed and his wallet in my dressing room.

Oh, no.

He stole his wallet?

Yeah, fuck you.

I stole his wallet.

And his weed.

He's here.

He lives here.

He does.

I know.

He said he might surprise me today

later.

Oh, nice.

And you've done with, I don't know if I do.

I do shows with him every week.

Every week.

He's not great.

He's the best.

He's one of the main reasons why I moved here.

Oh, that's crazy.

He moved here in 2000, I think, 17 or 18, I think 18.

And I was like, Wait, where are you, man?

I miss you.

He's like, I moved back to Austin.

I fucking love it.

It's in the middle of the country.

I can fly here from everywhere.

It's like three hours, no matter where you go.

Three hours to New York, three hours to LA, perfectly centrally located.

People are nice.

Food's great.

I was like, all right.

He's right.

He got me thinking about Austin.

And then when the pandemic hit, I was like, well, if I move to Austin, at the very least, Ron's going to be there.

I'm like, there's a good comedy club there, but the comedy club had already closed.

I'm like, but at least Ron's there.

I'll have a friend.

I just had to get out of L.A.

And he was just raving about how good, come on down, man.

Austin's fucking awesome.

He's good, fucking hell.

He's good.

He's also the one who talked me into opening up a club.

Awesome.

Yeah.

It was totally Ron.

He hadn't done, it's a really funny story.

He hadn't done stand-up in like eight months.

He goes, I'm fucking retired because it was the pink demand and all the chaos.

I'm fucking retired.

I'm done.

I got plenty of money.

I'm just going to enjoy life.

And this done.

I'm like, okay.

Come on, man.

Really?

I'm like, you're so funny.

Like, I just can't believe that.

And so then Tony put on a show at the Vulcan.

Tony had done like one or two shows indoors.

I'm like, which was crazy.

Like, oh my God, we're doing shows indoors in 2020.

This is madness.

And in LA, people are freaking out.

You're killing Brian.

Yeah, exactly.

And so

Ron was like, oh, fuck it.

I don't even know if I'm going to do a set.

And then he decided to go on stage.

He went on stage.

The audience went fucking bananas.

He got a huge standing ovation.

The moment he went on stage, murdered.

I mean, murdered for 15 minutes.

And then he came upstage and he grabbed me by my shoulders.

And he goes, whatever the fuck we have to do, we're going to keep doing this.

You got to open that club.

I'm like, okay, okay, we're going to go.

That's great.

That was the beginning of the comedy mothership.

It was Ron White.

How great is that?

Yeah, he was the original.

He was the Christopher Columbus, but that's a bad example because that guy was a real piece of shit.

You know, he was the original pioneer that came here.

Yeah, crazy.

We went out.

I'll do one more Ron White story because it's just incredible.

We go out in this little fancy, like one of these posh little bars down somewhere in the fancy hotel.

And I even said, where do you want to go?

And he says, this is kind of like, you know,

I thought we go to a bar.

He said, Let's go to the one at the Ari or whatever.

So we go, and it's real fancy.

And we sit down, and the waitress walks over to us.

And

there's three of us, his wife, his girlfriend, me, my friend.

And I said,

let's do a crown of the rocks.

And I'll have a glass of wine.

And as I look over to his wife, I said, Would you like a damn, someone smoking weed?

And Ron is literally, he looks at me.

He's like, well, no fucking shit.

And I go, Ron,

you can't smoke pot in here.

He goes, the hell can't,

who the hell is going to throw Ron White and Keratop out of a fucking bar?

And within seconds, Metro is standing there going, you guys get the fuck out of here.

And Ron's like, you got to be fucking shit.

I said, Ron, you can't, like, he just, the cops are there.

And he's like, well, they're good.

They're good.

I said, no, we're not good.

We got to go.

He just thought,

who's going to, he did that my backstage this last week.

I said, you can't smoke pot back here.

He's it's your fucking dressing room.

What does that mean?

It means you can't smoke back.

Is that

other?

No, because I've got the other people, the girls, the show.

Oh, the next show.

There's a lot of other people backstage that I can't do.

The next show is like strippers?

It's called Fantasy, yeah.

It's like my, it's like a lot like my show, except it's funnier and there's naked people.

So, yeah.

What is it?

It's just a girls dancing review show.

Oh.

They used to have something like that.

It was a beer show.

It was called Crazy Girls.

Yeah.

It was like comedians would host it.

That was kind of like this one.

They would have a comic in the middle and

the girls.

Yeah.

It's a good show.

They've been there for a while.

It's for people that want an excuse to see strippers, but they don't want to go to a strip club.

Right, right, right.

So they just

exactly.

You can take a date to a show.

Right.

Right.

You can see some titties.

That's smart, isn't it?

It's weird.

See, we didn't go to a strip club, honey.

We went to a fancy titty bar.

Vegas is just such an odd place.

There's nothing like that place.

It's so strange.

It's just got such a history.

I mean, it's first of all, the beginning of it, right?

It's founded by the mob.

Like, they literally want a place where they can get gambling.

And then, in order to have legal gambling, there's probably some sort of a deal where they let the government blow nukes off in the middle of the fucking mountains.

So there's spots out there where you really can't even visit because they detonated 50-60 nukes.

It's crazy.

That's what killed John Wayne, you know.

Vegas?

John Wayne was doing a movie in Nevada about Genghis Khan.

It's a terrible movie.

And he did that movie, and a giant percentage of the people that worked on the movie got cancer from it.

Oh, shit.

Because they were literally like right down the road from one of the test sites.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

It's fucked, right?

Yeah.

But I always thought that's probably one of the reasons why they allowed them to do the gambling thing there.

They probably made some sort of a deal.

Like, yeah, you can have gambling, but this is what we want to do.

Yeah.

We want to blow off nukes jesus

i feel like that sometimes on when i'm on stage with luxor with if some something

something

from comes down and it's you can the crowd can see it just particle of something it's always like oh it's nice you know the place is fine it's just asbestos

well it's not nukes luxor was built in like what the early 2000s?

Yeah, no,

it wouldn't be nuclear stuff.

When was that place built?

Yeah, something like that.

Like 2000 or something like that?

Because when we filmed Fear Factor, there was 2,000.

About 2000, 40 years ago.

There were 20 of them.

Yeah, about 2,000.

Yeah.

So I don't think they use asbestos, but it's just such a weird place.

93.

Oh, wow.

No kidding.

Oh, shit.

We're way off way off.

And I worked there.

Fuck.

Not too far off.

10 years.

Wow.

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It was a great idea.

Yeah, it's still phenomenal.

You walk inside it.

It's just breathtaking.

I was there recently.

I went to the store.

You walk in, it's like,

I just do a joke like this.

Yeah, I had sex on this really hot chicken, and then they finally threw me out of the Bodies exhibit or something.

So I forget the joke.

That Bodies exhibit is fucking creepy.

Do you know the story behind that place?

Well, a little bit.

I mean, yeah, kind of.

They're mostly

well,

they don't really know like where they're getting the bodies, but they do know that a lot of them are political prisoners.

Yeah, so it's basically like people that ran afoul of the Chinese government, so they whack them and turn them into statues.

Wow,

that's creepy.

That's right outside my theater.

Yeah, well,

a lot of them they they call like unidentified bodies, but the real problem is like to be an unidentified body, you have to be unidentified for 30 days, but then in order to do the plastination process where they turn you into a statue, it has to take place within 48 hours of death.

So

someone's lying.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Someone's lying.

It makes a lot more sense than it is.

A lot of them are bullet holes.

What a great place to have a comedy club.

Right next to like the Titanic Museum and dead fucking bodies, right?

Yeah.

I didn't get you more in a mood for a show.

I saw that too.

The Titanic Museum.

Yeah, Titanic Museum.

That's pretty dope.

They actually have a big chunk of the Titanic on display there.

Yeah, I've been in there, yeah.

But

what a wild time where people would just get on a fucking boat and travel across the ocean with no YouTube, no GPS, hope they didn't hit an iceberg.

And that was like super fancy high-tech travel.

Imagine the people that traveled 30, 40 years before that, wooden boats,

not having any idea,

just going on

a promise that you had a job waiting on the other side of the fucking ocean.

Right?

Yeah.

That's how my grandparents got here.

There are probably comics on those cruise ships.

Probably terrible comics on those cruise ships.

That's the worst job in comic.

Ah, ever, right?

Ever.

I did one.

That's my only one.

It's one of those things where a guy, you know, there's some guys that like it.

Like, I know Alonzo Bowden does like jazz cruises.

Like Alonzo Bowden is a he's a great comic, but he's also like a giant jazz fan.

He loves jazz jazz music.

So he'll go on jazz cruises, and it's probably perfect for him because it's like if I went on an MMA cruise, you know, I can talk about,

it's like you can talk about subjects that most people in a regular crowd be like, what the fuck is he talking about?

If you're talking about obscure jazz music, you know?

Yeah, no, that would work.

I have a lot of friends who love cruise ships.

I just don't, yeah.

Have you heard what they're doing with AI music, speaking of jazz music?

Yes.

They did 50, I sent it to Jamie today.

They took 50 50 Cents Many Men and made it like a soulful song that seems like it's from the 50s or 60s.

Have you heard them?

No, but I've heard a few other ones, not the 50 Cent one.

Dude, you want to listen to it?

Yeah.

It's so fucking good.

I sent it to Brian Simpson and he said, that is the best fucking thing you've ever sent me.

So

they just did that.

Yes, through AI.

It's not even a real human being's voice.

And it's fucking good, dude.

It's good where you're like, whoa.

Listen to this.

It seems weird hearing these lyrics with this kind of singing, you know, because it's like hardcore gangsta rap music.

But with, listen to this, though.

It's kind of crazy that they're doing.

Many man

wish death upon me.

Blood in my dog, and I can't see.

I'm trying to be

what I'm destined to be

and niggas trying to take my

life away.

Dang, whoa, isn't that great?

It gets better.

I put a hole in a nigga

for fucking with me.

My back on the wall.

Now you gonna see

Better watch how you talk

when you talk about me

Cause I'll come and take your life away

Great, how incredible

Nobody sings lyrics like that with those kind of lyrics It's gangster rapper lyrics with an incredible voice

AI is fucking scary, man.

Yeah, that's so good.

If that was a dude, if that was a dude who sang that, I was like, who's this guy?

Right.

You know, I'd be like, this guy is fine.

That's the kind of stuff we're going to be.

Yeah.

I mean, the first time I heard about it was Randy Travis had a song out, and I love Randy Travis.

So I was like, he has a new album out.

He's not doing well.

He can't, you know, he hasn't been on.

That's right.

They used AI, but that was his decision, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

I think he wrote the music.

Yeah, I think he did.

But it just

blew me away.

We had a whole fight with my crew.

Like, it's AI.

It's not fucking AI.

It's AI.

And then they came back and they said it right.

But the difference is, like, this is not a real person's voice.

It's probably a conglomeration of multiple different singers' voices.

At least I'm guessing.

Is it actually a guy?

I don't know where this started, but I'm looking at the one that I'm looking at.

They are trying to sell this.

They tried to make it seem like 50 Cent covered this song from some guy named Shifty Brent.

Oh, yeah, but they do that stuff.

They did that with the Chris Rock Rock thing when Chris Rock got slapped by Will Smith.

They tried to pretend that it was an old television show.

And they did an AI version of this old television show where a guy goes on stage and slaps the comedian.

It's really funny.

AI is so squirrely.

They're probably just trying to make money.

That's why they did it.

But god damn it.

But the Rainy Travis one, you're his voice.

I don't think so.

No, no, it is.

So what they do is like, it's my voice too.

Like they use AI with my, there's a, there's a whole podcast with me and Steve Jobs.

I never met Steve Jobs.

Oh, God.

There's a whole podcast that somebody made with AI.

AI, because you have Steve Jobs' voice, and you have my voice, thousands and thousands of hours.

Every sound that I can make with my voice has already been made.

So all the computer has to do.

Weird noises.

Weird noises.

But all the computer has to do is just take a giant amount of your noises

and then apply it and then apply it differently, emotionally, slowly, somberly, angrily, and you can just put it all together.

They just had one with me.

And it was like, what the?

It was me doing something.

Do they do ransom phone calls where people call people?

That's what I've been kidding.

That's what it was.

I need money.

That's what it was.

It was a, hey, it's me.

I'm listening.

If you could help me out, I need...

And it was like I was broke and I was down and out.

I needed money.

And they

didn't stop sucking my dick.

And we're in the desert.

Send money.

Yeah,

it's real weird because it's super good now.

In the beginning, when we first started hearing it, it was kind of obvious because the inflections were off, like the way you would say something.

Like, like the inflections in that

was insane.

Yeah.

You know,

that I'll take, that I'll take your life.

Watch how you're talking about me.

I'll take your life away.

That's crazy.

Ooh, you hear it.

You're like, damn.

So that means that that we associate with a soulful, incredibly creative person with an amazing, God-given talent of a voice, but it's not.

That's what's crazy.

Like they nailed it.

Even though I know it's fake, I love it.

Yeah.

And you love it too.

Like we're listening.

Like this

beautiful.

But we know it's fake.

That's kind of crazy.

The Randy Travis thing is different because what they just did is he wrote it and then he can't sing anymore, but they have thousands of hours of him singing.

They take that and then just turn it into him singing.

It is him singing.

It's actually his voice.

It's just not coming out of his mouth.

It's coming out of technology, but it is his voice.

Crazy.

And it's his writing.

Right.

So it's like, it really is a Randy Travis album.

It's just Randy Travis.

Like you can enjoy someone that can't do it anymore, but is still alive.

Right, sure.

You know?

Like, that guy had so many great songs.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

That could go on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

Well, you have to have.

No, he's got so many.

I love, that was my first big country,

says Kenny Rogers.

And my dad would go to see Kenny Rogers every goddamn,

every concert my dad went to was Kenny Rogers.

Really?

Literally.

That's hilarious.

And then he goes to the...

Oh, we put the headphones on.

No, I couldn't.

We forgot.

We forgot.

I'm off because

I feel more animated.

Yeah, there you go.

This is weird.

So

he goes to see Kenny Rogers, and I'm like 12 or something, 13.

He says, you want to go?

So my dad's, I said, I'll go to Kenny.

My first concert, Kenny Rogers.

It's like huge.

He was playing like arenas.

It was him and Tammy Wynette and then it was great you gotta know

we write all the hits

and we go

yeah and then the second concert I go to was Kenny Rogers right so I'm like geez all right I don't think there's anything else but Kenny Rogers right

Third time I go to this fucking thing, I'm like, dad, can we go to like Alabama?

Can we go do another concert?

Because he loved Alabama.

He loved us.

No, Kenny Rogers.

So then I meet Kenny Rogers in an elevator in LA like it's just the weirdest thing bing doors open and he gets standing he gets on I said I said oh man I don't bother you legend he's like thank you I said you know the first concert I ever went to he says I'm gonna say me.

I said, yep.

He goes, that's awesome.

I said, you know the second concert I went to?

He says, nope.

I said, you.

He says, wow, that's awesome.

I said, you know the third?

And he goes, all right, fuck off.

He goes, fuck off.

Where are we going with this?

I said, my dad took me to your concert three times in a row.

He goes, well, you have a great dad.

And then it was just kind of awkward.

He was just, we're just, I kind of ran out of it.

That's exactly what we were talking about.

You act weird for a celebrity.

And I did right.

And

we're just looking at the numbers and we're going up.

And finally, I said, oh, and you know what?

You have great chicken.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

I didn't know what else to say.

But he really did have this great chicken roasters thing.

And that's what I said.

And he looked at me like, fuck off.

I said, no, and the sides are great too.

The chicken.

That song, The Gambler, how many people did that turn into gambling junkies?

Right.

Romanticized gambling.

You made it seem so.

You got to know when to hold them.

I do.

I know when.

But you got to know when to hold them.

I know when to run.

I know what I'm doing.

I got to run.

Didn't they make a TV movie about that?

Wasn't there a

TV movie?

Called The Gambler.

Wasn't it called The Gambler?

I think there was a TV movie called The Gambler.

Yeah.

We'll find out in seconds.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah,

there's something about music that was created before the internet.

Yeah, the gambler.

Here you go.

The gambler.

Look at him.

What year is this?

1980.

There's something about stuff that was created before the internet that's so fascinating.

It's like an archaeological dig, you know?

Like, this is.

Look at that.

That's just great.

That even looks great, doesn't it?

It's like you want to watch it.

Can I say it?

Can I listen?

Because it's like an archaeological dig.

Like, you're looking at the way people used to behave and talk before the internet.

Right.

You know, it's weird.

It's like oddly fake.

You know, it's like oddly like.

It's interesting how you analyze that way.

Now I want to see what you're talking about.

Yeah, like I'm being, I'm an amateur archaeologist here.

This is a different time.

Human beings from 1980 were like a different thing.

Everybody would just leave the house.

Everyone had a key.

Nobody knew where anybody was at any given time.

You left the house.

You were gone.

We didn't even have answering machines yet.

No, right.

People were basically wild animals who lived in houses.

And they only knew how to behave from movies and TV.

Give me some of this.

It's just playing the music.

Oh, is it still playing the music?

Oh, okay.

Is this the theme song?

I mean, it's playing the song the gambler.

I wanted to, yeah.

That's so funny.

Look at it.

Even in the way it looks.

The way it looks, it looks so cornball.

It's just kind of amazing.

You know,

we just...

How about it?

People just kind of accepted.

I love the fact that how you put it,

not even having self-recall.

Yeah, answer machines.

Answer machines.

They were just gone.

We were wild animals.

People in 1980 were essentially wild animals.

They were wild animals who had children.

No one knew what was going on in the world.

Everybody was completely uninformed.

Right.

Isn't that great?

It's crazy.

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Afraid that Russia was going to blow us up.

That was every day.

Everybody's worried about Russia blowing us up.

And no one knew what was going on.

And everybody lived in bliss.

And you only knew the people in your neighborhood.

Didn't know anybody else.

No.

You didn't know, like, true.

There wasn't even one one-hundredth of the amount of famous people back then.

There was a tiny amount of famous people.

There was Elvis and a few other folks.

Yeah.

Just a few rock stars.

A few comics.

There's like Richard Prime.

Right.

TV shows that you

think, you know.

Dude, animals.

We were.

Look at Kenny Rogers.

These are wild animals that have just been introduced to technology and they're aping what it's like to be a grown-up.

Like they're just figuring it out.

And now here we are, we're like the teenagers.

We're the adolescents of civilization.

So we realize that's kind of silly.

But there's stuff from then that's better than stuff that's today for whatever weird reason.

There's some music back then that hits you because like you realize like how special this really like Prince, for instance.

Like remember the first time I listened to Prince, I listened to, I was delivering newspapers at the time and I listened to I Wanna Be Your Lover.

And I was like, who the fuck is this guy, man?

Like, this guy was coming out of nowhere.

He was like

completely

androgynous.

Like,

he was a beautiful man with this long flowing hair.

And the first album is him with his shirt off, just staring at you.

Like, what the fuck is going on?

And then, I want to be your lover.

I heard that.

I was like, oh, my God, this guy's talented.

But he was like out of nowhere talented.

You know what I mean?

Like, who the fuck was like that guy before him?

Right.

He was completely different than anybody that came before him.

The only one I think that would people compare was Michael Jackson because of the he was very different too.

Right.

But that hit because I remember when Prince came out, I'm like, oh, he's trying to be Michael Jackson.

Or no, yeah.

But he could, he wasn't.

What year is this?

This is his first performance.

Oh, let me see this.

Let me hear some of this.

There you go.

There's your song.

Come on, man.

What a song.

Look at him.

No, him.

Bro.

It's so funny.

This video, if you took the sound off this and you put in like Cinderella, it would probably match

his

Aerosmith.

But it looked how he's doing it, but he really

wants this.

Right, right.

He's got it.

It looks like

compelling.

Yes.

He was so compelling.

All I ever wanted to do,

I want be a lover.

I bet women were so confused why they wanted to fuck him.

Like, why don't I want to fuck that woman?

They wanted to fuck him.

Like, he cracked the code.

He figures something out.

Like, when you're a five-foot-three dude with an insane amount of talent and you're wearing stiletto heels on stage, and everybody wants to fuck you.

Yeah.

Because he was that fucking talented.

He was that talented.

And then it was also his music was so wild.

Like that song Head.

I remember that song.

That was like what year was head was that like 86 or something like that like what year was that

I know the thing

80

wow 1980 so this was then before I was in high school son This is before I was in high school.

They had a song about blowjobs.

Morning, noon, and night, I'll give you a head.

Yep.

Till you burn it up, head.

Do you love his red?

Head.

Love you to your dead.

Ow.

You know, Prince people

reached out to our people one night and asked if they could come to the show when he was at the Rio.

Whoa.

And we said, well, fuck yeah, we could.

What do you mean?

Of course we would.

And they said, there's only one caveat.

I said, was that you can't curse.

Prince hates cursing?

Yeah.

For real, for real.

Well, yeah.

Maybe he just wanted to fuck with you.

How much power do I have?

Yeah, do tell me.

Well,

I don't think

you want to hear swear signs.

I would tell my P, I said, said, I said, hold on a second.

He's telling me, I can't curse.

They said, yeah, that's the only thing.

I said, but

he has a song called Cream, Get Off.

Cream,

right?

And they're like, yeah, I'm like, no, I'm not going to change my whole life.

Oh, he became a devoted Jehovah's Witness and as a result, stopped

profanity, even implementing a cash swear jar at his Paisley Park studio to enforce his no-swearing policy.

Witnesses believe that using blasphemous or foul language is a sin, and Prince adhered to this tenet by removing swear words from his music and charging people for any foul language spoken at his compound.

Well, I'm already down like 200.

I'm already fine 200 bucks today, I think.

As much as I love that guy, I would not visit him.

I would be like, I can't do that.

No, that's what I said.

I don't want to do that.

Well, that's what I said.

Maybe I would.

Maybe I visited him once.

Maybe I'd talk to him once.

I would just like, like, if I'm going to go talk to a priest, I'm not going to go swear.

You know what I mean?

Right.

I'm going to try to be nice.

Yeah.

But, like, at a certain point in time, like, I don't want to perpetuate this really stupid idea that different sounds that you make with your mouth are uniquely offensive.

It's what you're

saying.

It's supposed to be a sound that I make so you know what I'm thinking.

And if you have words that you can substitute for these thoughts that are completely

if you have a thought that is only expressed through fuck you,

like we know what fuck you means.

And everybody says fuck you.

For you to say that you can't say that anymore, you're manipulating language to make it have less nuance that's never good yeah like it's already not nuanced enough like it still doesn't quite grasp exactly what you're thinking or what you're saying and the worst case scenario of it is when someone writes down what you're saying instead of like hearing you say it in context with the conversation that you're having right right so it's like

anybody who says don't use certain words like stop being a baby.

Stop being a baby.

These are just noises you make so that we can understand.

All that shit is nonsense.

It's stupid.

It's stupid.

And it was mostly created,

I think,

first of all, on television, right?

Television, you had advertising, and that was the only place where there was advertising.

And so that was the only place that had a proven audience.

But to keep that proven audience on NBC and CBS, you had to institute laws where you literally would get fined, like a serious amount of money, if you swore on TV.

And then cable came along, and everybody, you know, Sam Kinnison was like HBO.

And you're like, what?

This is way better.

Like, why can't we just talk?

But again, this is cave people.

Right.

Kinnison on HBO was 86.

Right.

No one knew what the fuck was going on, dude.

No one knew what the fuck was going on back then.

Prior?

Yeah, it was just amazing.

When I was a kid, I was at my friend Jimmy Lawless's house, and we watched Eddie Murphy Delirious.

I think we were all like,

what year was that?

80.

I want to say I was 15, maybe.

Delirious.

86?

I want to say I was like 15 or 16.

I couldn't believe how funny it was.

I was like, this is insane.

Oh, no.

He's talking about the honeymooners fucking each other in the ass.

What?

Jackie Gleason is fucking Ed Norton in the ass.

I've been looking at you.

Like, this is insane.

How is this on TV?

86?

83.

83?

Yeah.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

That one of them makes

that.

I think.

No,

you're right.

That makes me like 15.

Fucking crazy.

It was so good, dude.

And it was new.

It was like all of a sudden you're hearing someone just swearing on TV.

Yeah.

Like, this is crazy.

How am I even watching this?

Right.

That was a big change in every

cable.

Well, cable and then VHS tapes where you can go and like, you could rent Delirious, and people would rent it.

Wasn't it too when we had to write?

Yeah, you go home and put it in, you'd get popcorn out and go to watch Delirious.

We were guster and people.

Yeah, we were cave people.

We were cave people.

We were telling stories by the fire.

Yeah, literally, right.

Yeah.

And Mayor Poppy was talking about him.

Like, that was our form of entertainment.

That's so weird.

Do you think back about that?

Because you keep bringing this up, but isn't that weird?

Because I'm about your age.

and we didn't have any of the, we didn't, like you said, we didn't have an answering machine.

Yeah, we had nothing.

We had nothing.

We had nothing.

I think we are the perfect,

we're the perfect people to

really understand the change that society has gone through and how spectacular that change is.

Because

we were there when there was none, where there was nothing, where walkie talkies were crazy.

That was huge.

If somebody had a walkie-talkie, that was nuts.

You could talk to your friend in your bedroom.

You got to be quiet.

bro what's going on over there over yeah yeah right

so like reasonably comfortable

yeah it was the craziest thing in the world you would talk at a walkie-talkie or i knew a dude who had a cb in his car and he would just have random conversations with people

bro they would just start talking about stuff like breaker one night yeah breaker one nine what you up to yeah yeah yeah and they would just have conversations and people would meet people like you said and the smoking the bayonet that was that was that but that that is the about the time you're talking about too where they were we had CBs, but they're also like the cavemen.

They were just,

it was.

But you were the cool guy if you had a CB in your truck.

If you had a CB in your truck, you were cool.

Didn't Burt Reynolds have a CB in his Trans Am?

Yeah.

Of course he did.

Did he?

Yeah, he had to.

Yeah, he had talked to Britain.

Yeah, he did, hey, hey, big, what's up?

Hey, we're going to pull over here and feed the dog.

10-4, good buddy.

That is the ultimate cool guy.

He's got a wonky talkie in his Trans Am with a cowboy hat on.

Fucking right.

That's my fucking.

By the way, it is one of my only movies that I own on my iPod.

Bro, it is another archaeological site.

It's a dig.

They've dug down to another time of human beings where this is the coolest guy in the world.

A guy runs from the cops in a Trans Am with a firebird on the fucking hood.

And he's talking on a CB with a cowboy hat on.

I mean, this is.

That was the first movie.

It's like Greek theater.

Yeah.

First movie they broke the camera.

The third, what do you call that?

Where they looking at the...

Oh, the third wall?

Yeah.

That was the first movie.

Fourth wall?

Fourth wall.

Fourth wall.

Fourth wall.

Fourth wall.

It's right when he's first being chased.

Yeah, thank God, Jimmy.

He's going down the,

he loses him in the alley in the very beginning chasing, and he's going like, he's backing in like this, and he looks at the camera and he goes,

it's like, that was fucking awesome.

Like, he just gave that look.

Oh, Burt Reynolds had so much charisma.

It was great.

He was so good.

And the fucking sheriff, I mean, goddammit, how great is that whole thing?

Bro, you know what?

He's really great.

Give me a dabble sandwich and a Dr.

Pepper made quick.

I'm in a goddamn hurry.

Where are you at?

Who's chasing you?

No one's chasing me.

I'm Sheriff Buber.

No one's chasing me.

You stay here and

you think about it, but don't do it.

Yeah.

His kids on the car.

Dude, Jackie Gleason was amazing in that.

That's an attention getter.

Yeah.

He was so good at it.

That's called an intention getter.

Do you remember Burt Reynolds in Deliverance?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

That was an insane role.

Crazy, crazy.

That was an insane role.

That was when you get to see him as an actual actor.

You're like, oh, this guy was good.

He was a good actor.

Great movie.

You know what I mean?

Like, it wasn't just smoking the band.

Right, sure, no.

The guy having a good time, super charming, great mustache, proud hair.

He was fun, man.

Like, in Deliverance, man.

It was like right out of him,

right when he was done playing football.

Yep.

Oh, that's right.

He kills a guy with a bow, doesn't he?

Crazy movie.

Yeah, man.

It was a good movie.

That was a good movie.

I got to meet him.

He was cool as hell.

That's a very interesting thing.

He had a pie fight.

You had a pie fight with Burt Reynolds?

No, I was on the tonight show.

Burt Reynolds, this is crazy.

Burt Reynolds was the lead guest.

He came out and talked about being married like nine times.

Mark Summers, who hosted the

game show, whatever it was, Mark Summers, he came out

and Burt moves down to the second chair and and Mark sits here's Jay and he's he he puts his back to Bert and he starts telling him you know

you know something about being you know I've only been married once and Bert's over there you know kind of getting a little

first he's got his back to him then he he takes the cup the mug and he says he went to take it he says is this mine he says

fuck i don't give a shit and he says well you've been married five times i don't want to say he was trying to be funny like i don't drink after you've been married five times.

They just kind of hurt.

They got, oh, here it is.

Now, here's the best part.

I'm, watch,

whoa.

Oh, no, this is real shit.

I'm a guest.

I'm going to.

You threw a drink on him.

Yeah.

Was this planned?

No.

No.

No.

And who's the other dude?

Mark Summers.

And who's Mark Summers?

He's the host of Double Dare.

Double Dare.

Thank you.

Now, watch, now watch how angry Bert.

Watch it.

Watch him.

Watch.

They didn't have this plan, by the way.

Oh, But Burt hits him hard.

Yo.

That hurt.

Look at the torque he got in that right hand.

I want you to watch this again.

Bro,

he got a hip into the

ship.

He got his right shoulder.

At the end, if you watch it, he'll go, well, hey, Karatov will be here tomorrow night.

At the end.

Look at this frame by frame.

Well, he's a fucking football player, too.

Look at, bro, bro.

He clocked that dude.

Look at his face.

Look at that freeze frame.

That guy should be ashamed of that look for the rest of his life.

How dare you?

How dare that face?

Right there, scary.

Yeah.

If I was friends with that dude, I'd be like, no, you're not going to do that.

He's going to kill you.

Bro, look at that torque he got in there.

Oh, yeah, well, say he's a football player.

Bro, that was like.

And I'm backstage going, am I going on?

They're like, no,

we're going to cut you.

Actually, I just want to say, that guy's got a great chin.

He had fun.

He's smiling.

Yeah, he better smile.

He just got bitch slapped.

But he took a great shot.

I want to say.

He says, we'll be right back with Karen.

No, tomorrow no, Karen.

I mean, fucking shit.

We'll be right back right after this message.

We'll be right back.

That was salt and pepper, Jay.

Yeah.

Another guy took way too much shit.

They gave him so much of a hard time.

It's just like when Larry Holmes became the heavyweight champion of the world after Muhammad Ali, everybody hated Larry Holmes.

When Jay Leno took over after John Carson,

he got a lot of grief for no reason.

For no reason.

Because they would put on great shows, too.

Super nice guy.

The writing was great.

Never was that great.

No.

I always had a good time talking to him.

He's always a nice guy.

He's a nice guy.

And

what he should have been doing all along is really what he's doing now, is his car shows.

Right.

Because that guy, if you talk to him about cars,

he's so entertaining.

He loves cars.

He loves them.

I mean, he knows more about cars probably than anybody I've ever met in my life.

He's got an insane collection, and he likes everything.

He likes fucking dots.

He's got a fire truck.

Yep, yep, yep.

He's just

a genuine fan of automobiles and the way he talks about it is so entertaining.

Yep, no.

Because that's really what he wants to do.

And he's also crazy, right?

Because

he's

unstoppable.

So he

fell off that cliff or whatever the fuck it was, right?

You heard about this.

Yeah, what happened to him?

I just talked to him in Vegas, and he went and went and saw him.

And I said, how you doing?

He goes, you know, I said, well, you could still see like a, you know, a little bit of bruising because it was about two weeks after he had had the fall.

Oh, Jesus.

He was out and about two weeks later?

What do you mean?

He did the show that night.

What?

Yes, he fell.

Did he get a concussion?

He said, how he says it, he says, he's

a, you know, going corral next to the, you know, La Quinta.

I said, first thing I said to him, I said, are you okay?

I said, my question, what the fuck are you staying at, La Quinta?

And he goes, you know, we all can't have day the fourth E.

I said, no, but really,

what happened?

He said, I just went out there and any of this money.

He walked out of the La Quinta, and it was a little hill, like not even like a hill.

He went hiking.

He went hiking.

With like slippery shoes on, probably.

He said, the golden crown.

He's probably wearing dress shoes.

Right.

And his denim.

And so he went, he just, it looked, it was a little deeper than he thought, and he slipped, fell,

and hit his eye, you know, right in the thing where it's bad.

So he went into, got his golden crow.

Oh, E.J.

Lennon,

you know, thinking a thing.

Went, got his food, went to the club, and went on stage, bleeding.

That's so crazy.

And I said, what do you mean?

I said, he said, what do you mean?

The show must go on.

I just held the mic with his hand.

How about that married guy?

I have that married guy in the crowd.

And I'm like,

it's just amazing to me.

He tripped my nail I'd canceled.

He told this insane show,

insane story, rather, of a show that he had to do with a priest and a mob guy, where the mob guy was yelling at the priest and swearing, and Jay's like yelling and swearing, like doing the same, like saying what the mob guy said.

I was like,

seeing Jay Leno talk like that was like, what?

Right, but tonight,

he was talking like that.

You came to see him say, dang, yeah, dang, you know, dang.

Hey, dang it.

What are you going to do?

That's crazy.

Oh, yeah.

He was doing this like super hyper violent Italian mob guy like screaming obscenities at this priest and Jay Leno is yelling it out.

It's a fucking amazing story.

And was it a show?

Yeah, it was a show that he was doing like, you know, know, before he made it.

It was like back in the day.

He did some sort of a show where, you know, I think it was like a benefit or something like that, where there was a priest involved, and then the mob guy got mad at the priest and was yelling at him.

It's a fucking hilarious story.

But that guy doesn't spend any of

his tonight show money.

Yeah.

He lives all entirely off of stand-up money.

Which is crazy.

Right.

So he's just stockpiling it all at the La Quinta Inn.

That's right.

Jesus.

Someone needs to tell him.

Like,

money's a fun coupon.

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You shouldn't be just scrolling it over.

Have fun with them.

Have fun with them.

But people that started out poor, which is like basically most comics, once you start making money, it's hard to believe that you're ever going to keep making money.

You start panicking.

You know, they're going, oh my God, I got to save this.

Yeah.

I got to save it.

Yep.

And then if you carry that into your 70s and 80s, somebody should sit you down and have a talk with you.

Like, I'm your financial advisor, and now's the time to go crazy.

Yeah, you're

good.

You should be looking into cocaine.

You should probably buy more cars.

Like, let's spend something.

So, that's your as your final advice.

I think you should start spending shit.

As you're

in a drug habit, let's get you in a drug habit.

Let's get you in a nice car.

Yeah, let's do something.

You need to start buying stuff.

You should have way more cars.

That's great.

You're right.

What are you saving up for, bro?

This is the end times.

This is that.

Yeah, I don't yeah

i don't have family you know that it's like i know a lot of people have a lot of kids and a lot of that you save up for them but but even them like oh giving kids like a ton of money yeah giving kids a ton of money is not necessarily good for them no like if you look historically at people that got trust funds it's it's a weird road to go down and not have any ambition or not have to have any ambition.

Maybe you do have it like inherently, but for a lot of them, it's like they don't have to make it.

They don't have.

And I think that's unfortunately in this society that we live in, that doesn't seem to work.

Like in this society, it's very difficult to not be self-sustainable, not be able to take care of yourself.

And if you can't take care of yourself, you got to kind of learn how to do it.

You can't just be constantly relying on other people because I think it hinders your growth as a person.

Absolutely.

You know what I mean?

I think it like fucks with you.

Like every guy that I've ever met that that comes from a family that like gives them tons, not every guy, but a lot of guys that I've met that come, I've met some cool ones.

They come from a family with a lot of money and they've never had to worry and they have trust funds and they never really have had a job.

They're all weird.

Yep.

They're all weird.

It's like cement that didn't get the amount of water that it needs when you're mixing it.

It's always like weird.

Yep.

It seems like weird.

And I know, too, every comic artist, whatever,

all their stories are the same, that they came from nothing.

And that's

if you think about it almost every comic and artist i know they they weren't they didn't have money didn't nothing yeah but it's not mutually exclusive no no right right it's not there are people that have come from great families and great backgrounds that just have it on funny

right it's a weird thing man like talent is an odd thing really is a very weird thing like there's certain universal truths like you're gonna find more talent probably in in harder communities like you're have better rock and roll in like the the dingy fucking outskirts of town like those guys are gonna be nirvana right but i love hearing like a billy joel story where where you can relate to it like you know i started cutting lawns at eight years old i'm like i said i started cutting lawns at eight years old you know i literally and you know nowadays no kids kids don't do anything and i'm like yeah i did that i i i

cleaned office buildings and i did everything you know most of his mom's card He was a boxer?

Yeah, Billy Joe was a boxer.

Yeah.

I did not know that.

I don't know how many fights that he had.

I think he lost.

Are you being funny?

Really?

Billy Joel was a boxer?

Billy Joe was a boxer.

I did not know that.

Yeah, I think he was good.

I think he was pretty good.

I mean, I think it was like good amateur level.

22 and 2.

22 and 2.

Really?

Gosh, I didn't know that.

Was that professional?

Golden Gloves.

Golden Gloves.

So amateur level.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Legit boxer.

I just know that he was about that.

I did not know that.

He's a guy whose music changed radically.

Like, if you go back and listen to Captain Jack,

like from Captain Jack to Uptown Girls, like, oh.

You know, it's like it's great music.

It was a huge hit, but it's a different vibe.

It's like a guy who's in love now, and he's got a supermodel for a wife, and he's worth a billion dollars.

Captain Jack was his gritty little

story.

It's like, fuck, that's a good song.

That's a great song.

But you're right.

You can see how their life changes and their music changes.

Like you said, now he's got an uptown girl.

Got money.

You ever heard the song Billy the Kid?

He's got some great fucking songs.

Well, the one that I did special I just saw was...

Wasn't it Billy the Kid?

Is that the name of that song?

It's a great name.

One thing that got me on the special was The Entertainer.

I thought that was interesting because it was ripping on.

It was ripping show business.

Yeah, the Battle of Killy Billy.

The Battle of Billy Kid.

That is a great fucking song.

My parents had that album on vinyl when I was a kid.

I listened to, what year was that?

73.

73, son.

I listened to that and I was like,

this is, again, this is an archaeological dig, you know?

You're like going to the beginnings of certain genres of music and certain kinds of music.

And back then, that's how you got it.

You heard it on the radio, and you went out and bought an album and sat in and looked at it and looked at it.

And the deedle goes over the table.

And then you read the paper.

Yeah, weird.

But the entertainment one was interesting because

the record label had asked him to come up with a hit.

Oh, that's why he wrote it that way?

No, I don't know.

I just watched.

remember exactly how it went down, but he said, yeah, you know, they were saying

they need to hit off this album and to make this big hit.

So he wrote that and when they played it to them they're like

fuck you we're getting rid of you so they they got rid of him and the label dropped him because he's it's all about that so they get the money then they take all your money and and yeah where they don't care about you and I'm like that's ballsy right they want a hit and you basically say how much you know like the luxury says 20 years could you do something special for me and I have this big roast and how horrible the luxury is and how much they you know it just shit they're like what that is It was a real album, like a real song.

And they were like, no, you're done.

They should have just taken it on the chin.

Look, the guy became huge after that.

We'll see.

You fucking dumbasses.

You got rid of him.

Now they say that.

You got rid of him.

He sold a billion albums.

Now the damn damn.

He's got some great fucking.

Just the piano, man.

The piano man.

Alone.

That one song alone is right.

Oh, how about scenes from an Italian restaurant?

All right.

Oh, my God.

That is a fantastic song.

And it's another, it's a story.

It's a story of people's lives.

You know, and it's

relatable.

It's like, it's real.

It's raw.

It's, you know, again, it's like a window into.

It's a bottle of red, right?

Bottle of red.

And I always used to make a joke about that in my show.

It's a bottle of red.

And it says, bottles of white.

So apparently he didn't like red as much as whites.

He has plural in the...

He said, bottle of red.

Bottles of white.

Does he say that?

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, he must have had, he liked more white wine than that's how I pick up shit.

Are you sure that's the lyrics, or did you just say that?

No, I think it says

bottle of red.

Bottles of white.

Now you got to look it up.

I thought he said a bottle of white.

Whatever kind of mood you're in tonight.

Oh, fuck.

I don't know.

I'll meet you anytime you want.

Anytime you restaurant.

Maybe I could be wrong.

Fuck you.

No, that is a great fucking song.

That's a great song.

Bottle of red.

It's just

bottle of whites.

You're right.

A bottle of whites.

Interesting.

See, I knew it was a white.

But it's still a bottle.

It's a bottles of white, right?

That's a weird way to write.

A bottle of whites.

It could be wine, so it could be multiple kinds of white wine in one bottle.

Jamie getting tactical.

I mean, what I'm trying to say is

a blend without being a bottle of whites.

So I was onto something there, right?

Because I used to sing it and go, why is he saying that?

Isn't that funny that some people don't like their grapes mixed?

Don't you dare serve me a blend.

Some people don't want a blend.

Is that a blend of a Cabernet and a Merlot?

You fucking I.

That served me a goddamn blend.

I don't want to straighten Chardonnay.

How weird are people?

I'm going to give you a little bit of this bird and a little bit of that bird, okay?

Fuck off.

It's a blend.

People that get super down with wine.

I got a buddy who's a wine, like a legit wine connoisseur.

Oh, is it?

My buddy Matt.

So I could call him up out of nowhere.

Like, I'd be at a restaurant and I'd send him a picture of the wine list.

Tell me what to get.

And he looked at it for like three seconds.

You're like, this is great.

What are you guys eating?

Cake?

Cake bread.

Get this.

And he would tell you how to do it.

But

he got scammed.

Well, he didn't get scammed, but there was a guy that he was friends with that was a gigantic scammer.

And I don't think this guy ever got him.

But what this guy was doing was they were all these wine connoisseurs, and this guy was selling really rare wine that was counterfeit.

It was fake.

So he had infiltrated this thing, this like wine group.

And he was a con man.

And what he was doing was taking a bunch of different wines and mixing them and then trying to sell it as this like 1970 impossible bottle from bordeaux right like and so he would age the paper on the bottles and shit like and they raided his house they found empty bottles everywhere and he was taking labels off of things and copying them and printing them and i had that with uh lube

i do you got to get the real stuff it's hard you got to get it from portraits my house jesus christ but this uh this document really highlighted in my eyes, at least for some of those people, that it's kind of bullshit.

Like, all this, you think you know the difference between

really good old wine.

But this guy just tricked you.

Yeah.

And he tricked a lot of them.

A couple guys he didn't trick.

There was one guy in particular.

This guy, the guy was like, this is trash.

I was just going to say, yeah, one guy was like, this is trash.

But the other guy was just raving about it.

And all of a sudden, his opinion, he questioned, like, what?

I just thought this was great.

I thought it was crazy.

Like, no, that's terrible.

It's a scumpiss.

Like, it was weird.

was that's crazy what was the wine movie that i that uh what was the with the wine well this was a wine documentary no no i'm trying to think of a guy who said no more fucking merlot what was that oh yes that one what was that sideways that's right that's right that guy came to my show

that guy came to my show um he's a brilliantly nice sweet guy like oh that's awesome great guy just like in the movie just so nice and he came with uh um

kieran culkin macaulay culcin's oh brother He's great in sales.

Great.

Great.

They were filming an Audi commercial or something.

What's that guy's name again?

Paul Giamatti?

Yeah, Paul Giamatti.

Paul Giamatti.

He's so nice.

He came back.

He's amazing at everything.

I said,

I want to drink.

I want to drink.

And they're like, yeah, I'll take whatever you got.

I said, we have a whole bar.

I said,

I said, you want to go to Merlot?

I'm going to have a Merlot.

And just his face, he was so funny.

He's like,

I just said it, but I didn't say it like I was trying to be funny.

I said, we have have this, we have we have Malow.

And he's like,

I said, oh, I'm just fucking.

He said, no.

And then we did a video together.

I said, I was trying to think if I'd find somebody I could find a share of Malow with.

It kept hands over to him.

He's like, not in fucking hell.

It was just, it was such a great, he's such a great guy.

They say he was great in that Howard Stern movie.

He was, wasn't he?

Yeah.

Prime and partner.

WNBC.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was really good in that.

I'm saying it, WNBC.

No, WNBC.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a good guy on top of that.

Great guy.

Merlot.

Merlot got a bad name after that movie.

If I was in the Merlot business, I would have been furious.

Yeah, no doubt.

These motherfuckers, they're downplaying Merlot.

I always liked Merlot, and then all of a sudden I had a shady opinion of it.

Well, they did that with me on South Park.

It said I was junk.

I'm like, fuck.

It was junk.

No, no, no.

In a roundabout way, you know.

South Park.

Everyone's parodied me.

It's always been something stupid.

It's just amazing.

It's an Indian casino and it says like Carrot Scalp, you know, tonight playing at the show.

Who says that?

It was in like Simpsons or

Family Guy.

Just for jokes.

Just for jokes.

South Park has been around longer than anything ever that's still good.

Yeah.

Like, how do they do it?

I don't know.

Brilliant.

It's just weird that they're still so on top of it.

They're so driven to still push the boundaries and make it really funny.

And it's been going on since

how many years?

Like the first video, I think, was 95 or 96 or something like that.

The one that they were passing around, the VHS one with Brian Boytano.

Yeah.

What year was that?

I think it was 95 or 95 or 96.

Because I remember people on news radio were passing it around.

And we were like, what the fuck is this?

This is crazy.

95.

95.

Yeah.

Everybody was passing around.

We're like, this is insanity.

This is so insane.

It's really good.

And I don't think it had a home yet.

I don't think it was on Comedy Central yet.

The first one they made was a 92.

Whoa.

Which one was that?

95.

Which one was that?

Trying to see which it says.

Which is the Brian Boytano?

Which would Brian Boytano do?

That's what everybody would say.

We would be walking around the news radio set going, what would Brian Boytano do?

And it's fucking Jesus is there.

And it's just, it's so ridiculous.

That was actually in their first movie in 99.

Which that came quick.

The Brian Boitano thing?

No, that was in the movie.

South Park, bigger, longer, uncut.

Really?

So what was the 95 one or the 94 one?

So they made fun of Brian Boitano in The Spirit of Christmas.

So that came out in 99?

So I wasn't...

That was like the last year of News Radio.

I don't even know if I have a false memory now.

Huh.

That was the one that was Jesus for Santa fighting.

That's the knife.

That's the first one.

Yeah.

There's no Brian Boitano in that one?

He says, what would Brian Boitano do in that, but that's not...

The song isn't until later.

Oh, right.

But that's when he says it.

I thought it was going crazy.

Hilarious still.

I thought I had a fake memory.

It says, yeah, Stanmar says to Cartman, what would Brian Boitano do as Jesus battles Santa?

That's right.

Okay.

You had me thinking I was crazy.

The song was way bigger than...

Right.

But the show went where he says it.

It was on the show.

So that was the verdict.

I was like, am I losing my fucking mind?

Like, no, I know it was on the first one.

But it was just so groundbreaking.

And the brilliance of it was that you don't have to have it look realistic.

So you can get away with so much more.

Like when he stuffs, what's her face up his ass?

Who did he,

right?

When he had a slut off and stuffs Paris Hilton up his ass.

It's like, you can do that if it doesn't look real.

Right.

Like if it's like super realistic and 3D, you can't do that.

It has to look like South Park.

Yeah.

They can get away with so much.

They can kill kids.

They kill Kenny every week.

No one complains.

Yep.

Poor fucker dies every week.

Imagine if this is like a graphic 3D video

that looks hyper-realistic.

You can do it.

It has to look like complete nonsense and then we'll let you get away with almost anything.

That's probably how they sold it that way.

Well, if you think about it.

They bought it that way.

There's like levels of

realism that

will allow you to get away with more if it's like less realistic, right?

Like, that's why we used to allow like Roadrunner.

Like, and, you know, Wiley Coyote, and Roadrunner would, like, drop dynamite on him.

Shit was always happening.

He was always getting fucked up.

That was okay because it was cartoons.

Right.

Right.

But you couldn't have blood,

like blood all over the place.

But if you make them look so goofy that their head's just a big circle and they have like a little stick around, then you're gonna have blood all over the place and nobody complains.

Exactly.

Weird, right?

It's kind of weird.

It's like the less realistic, but we know what it is.

They killed a kid.

We're like, well, you kill a kid, you bastards.

And no one has a problem with it.

Which is because it's unrealistic.

It's kind of weird, right?

I think it's exactly how you put it.

It's kind of unrealistic.

It's a perfect cheat code.

It makes everything more funny because you never feel guilty laughing.

No matter what.

When Cartman was in bed with Saddam Hussein, or when Satan rather was in bed,

not Cartman.

There's just so many scenes where you're like, there's no way to do this unless you have cartoons.

It's brilliant.

Because you wouldn't never be able to get away with it.

No.

Like the one when they skirted around drawing Muhammad.

They kind of skirted around.

They never drew him.

They like drew the, there was this like a

truck and he's inside the truck in a bear suit.

You can do things in cartoons that you just can't do in any other realm.

It's a perfect medium for comedy.

And you can keep the kids young forever.

Right.

You know, they're always going to be in high school.

Like, nobody questions the fact they've been in high school for 40 years.

Right.

No.

It's just, it's just, they're in high school.

That's how it goes.

That's true.

They don't have to grow up.

Shut the fuck up.

Why do they have to grow up?

See, if they made, no, what if they did make a cartoon where they aged?

Aren't they funny?

They're like, God damn it.

No, but you want to see them where they always look good.

It'll be sad.

Cartoon would be a fucking loser at a trailer park.

It's fun when he's the way he is now and he's like a little kid.

It's funny.

It's fun.

I like throwing hissy fits.

It's fun because he's still a little kid.

You know, you don't want to.

There's certain people you don't want to see him when they get full grown or when they're over the other side of it.

Right.

When things, the wheels start falling off.

You know?

That's what I mean, though, for the special, their end episode, they should do it.

Yes.

When it's all done, this is the final.

They're all aged, and he doesn't have the voice quite still.

What they should do is do a 3D,

like hyper-realistic version of the show.

Like, just do it all through AI for the last episode and just have it the most violent, most ridiculous

and see how people deal with it.

Like, bro, this is exactly what we've been showing you for

40 years.

That will be it.

They wouldn't be allowed to.

Coffee?

Yeah, have some.

Daddy.

I'm like coffee.

Thank you.

Cheers, sir.

All right, cheers to you.

Bob, Bob.

Thank you for having me.

My pleasure.

I'm looking forward to seeing young Chill Tony, too.

That's going to be really fun.

Yeah, that's fun.

You know, last time I done

last time I did it once.

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Did you do it at the club or did you do it at a big place?

At the club.

At the club?

Nice.

Yeah.

It was fun and it was loud and intimate.

And it was just, you know, I told him before I did it, I said, I'm not into.

critiquing people because I've been shit on my whole career.

I don't want want to tell these comments what they're doing right or wrong.

Coming from me, really, he said, No, no, no, that's not how it works.

You just play, you just be you, just be yourself.

And it was great because I could just,

you know, if there was something specific that I thought was kind of wrong or off, I could say it in a

very nice way.

But most of them were, they're good.

These guys come out, they got their minutes, they pop them out.

You know, of course, you'd see a couple, right?

You know, the first 10 seconds in, you're like, okay,

it's already not funny, you know, or they're, or they're just so nervous.

They're just, you can see the mic shaking, you know.

But some would have really quality written jokes.

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of fun

out there.

And there's also, because of Kill Tony, people realize that if they can put together a minute, it can change their whole fucking life.

Yeah.

Your whole fucking life.

Look at Cam Patterson just got on Saturday Night Live.

Yeah.

I mean, look at these guys.

They're killing it.

Unbelievable.

William Montgomery's killing it.

You know.

There was a couple there out that night that they were really good.

Yeah.

And I think Tony tapped me onto the chair at one point, this next guy, you know.

He came out and I was like, holy shit, he was solid.

Yeah, Ari Montgomery.

Are you kidding?

Ari Pop.

There's a lot of these guys that do that show.

They do one minute and then they go, we'd love to have you back.

And then they come back, they do another minute, the crowd remembers them from the old show.

All of a sudden, they have like 25,000 Instagram followers, then it's 100, then it's 150, like things start rolling.

It's like, oh, you have a real pathway.

If you work hard, if you really fucking focus and really just really dial it in, really work on your material, really work on you, do as many sets around town as you can.

You might be able to do this for a living.

And if you can, it's the greatest fucking job in the world.

So there's already a couple that I've been watching.

They are, they're there's more now than ever before.

It used to be, it was like there was a bunch of like bad people, and every now and then someone would come on with promise.

Now it seems to me to be more slanted towards people that are good.

It's like a high level or high percentage rather of people that are good.

And I thought I was there.

They were really good.

Yeah.

A lot of them are really good.

And it's, again, there's a pathway.

There was one that came out and I said,

and

it was kind of funny how he,

the microphone was up high because the guy before him was like 6'5 or something.

This guy comes out, he's like four feet.

So it's already funny.

because they bring him out and he he goes to grab the mic and he just he takes it and puts it behind him and takes the mic and goes into his bed.

And I'm like,

so it got all done.

He said,

I said, that was great.

I said, the only thing I would have done in the beginning, you already had a laugh.

The microphone was, you know, so

reference it.

At least reference it.

You don't have to do a thing.

He said, he goes, yeah, well, that'd be a prop.

And I said, no, it's already a fucking prop.

It's not, you didn't bring it.

He didn't make it.

It's there.

It's a prop that's usable.

Every comic uses it for the, you know, everything from a guitar to

change on the beach.

Every comic is done there.

Everybody.

So I said, no, no, no, you don't have to make a prop joke.

I said, just reference it.

You should at least referenced it like,

this is already not going well.

Something.

And because the crowd was waiting for something, and he didn't do it.

And then after the show, he said, I'm going to use that.

That's good.

I said, well, you have to follow a tall guy every time for it to work.

Yeah, don't

set the microphone really high for my first time.

That's what I said.

It only worked because it was improv.

It happened.

Right.

And then he goes, and I told him that.

I said, you don't do it unless it happens.

You don't want to have it set that way.

Right.

And it's dumb.

Well, I think for some people, they don't know how to start, you know, and they're doing something like that.

Well, the starting is hard for everybody.

It's not just that.

It's like this overwhelming anxiety.

You have one minute, and you can't believe you're on a stage in front of this.

Like a lot of them, it's their first show.

Some of them, first show, Madison Square Garden.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah.

Imagine first first time on stage.

No, no.

Madison Square Garden.

And you're bombing.

Oh, man.

I didn't know.

So they do that same format

with the Madison Square Garden.

Uh-huh.

And it's 100% random.

People have tried to get people on, and Tony won't do it.

He's like, no, no, no.

That's not how it works.

No.

What we do is everybody just signs up, and I reach into that bucket, and I pull out names.

And

you can't rig it.

You can't rig it.

Well, I knew that part of it, but I didn't know they did it in Madison Square Garden.

They do it that way everywhere.

Well, one thing they do in Madison Square Garden is they have like a legends bucket.

So they have a bunch of people backstage, like Jim Norton, you know, Big Jay Okerson.

A lot of people did it when I was there.

David Tell.

And then they pull it out, and then David Tell will come up and do a minute of stand-up, and everybody goes crazy or do five minutes or whatever.

But he makes it so that even if someone is terrible for the first time, it's only a minute.

And then you have Shane Gillis

and whoever else is next to him making fun of it for the next 15, 20 minutes.

It's going to be fucking hilarious.

And it's also, you get to see, like, oh, this is a crazy thing to do.

Like, this idea, you're just going to stand up in front of people and talk, and hopefully it'll be entertaining.

Yeah.

And sometimes it just goes horribly wrong.

And everybody's like, boo.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I know.

The night I was there, everyone was pretty cordial, but I could see it going.

Bro, those New Yorkers don't fuck around, man.

If you start you start bombing a little bit, they smell blood.

Yeah, no.

I did a

my very first time ever in New York City.

It was at Catcher Rising Star.

It was an old, old, old school club.

I go there and I had

it was like it was pouring down rain or snowing, sleety, snow rain.

I remember I took my trunk in a taxi and I I I've never been to New York City in a club.

And I go in, there's like eight people.

And oh, fuck.

And so the guy's like, you know, what do you bring me up?

I wheel my shit up.

I go,

but I don't, it's not even bombing.

It's worse than bombing.

It's just like, never have nothing from a laugh.

Nothing.

Really?

Yeah.

And I'm doing like my A shit, you know, literally.

I promise we're going to God.

I mean, I've got like, you know, the ice tray with a level so you don't put, you know, and it kills everywhere, you know, nothing, fucking nothing.

And I just go, all right.

I so I think my opening line was I have more props than people, which I did.

So that got a little lap, but not even, right?

I was like, gee, I've got more props than fucking people here.

Nothing.

I get done.

I don't even know what to do.

I'm shaking so bad.

And they said, just, just, just, there was no comic.

So I just went, all right, enjoy the next comic.

And I put the guy on my own mic on a thing because I had to, you know.

Anyway, I'm like, just tearful walking.

I just didn't, I was going to leave this shit.

I'm going to get out of business, right?

Am I going to go into comedy?

This guy walks by.

He goes,

he goes,

no,

leave your shit there.

It's good.

And he goes up and he, like you said, murders, you know, just absolutely murders.

Eight people.

It was like a stadium of people laughing.

And I'm like watching this guy.

I'm like, holy fuck.

It was Dennis Leary.

And he,

I mean, leveled.

eight people.

I couldn't believe it.

And I walked off and he

walked off and he said um hey man i said

i was unbelievable he goes no that that your shit's amazing but the thing with the he was serious he said that whatever the you know cowboy boot with the kickstand that's great whatever it was i was doing and i'm like was he like

with me because i ate and he was just no

but i've never gotten to tell him that again if dennis leary watches this show that was the most coolest thing a comic ever did to me just gave me a big hug said they you were fucking fucking great.

That crowd sucked.

I said, the crowd didn't suck.

You just murdered them.

They didn't like me.

Well, that's a small thing.

He said, you were great.

Eight people.

You're bombing in front of eight people.

It's pretty easy to bomb in front of eight people.

It was horrible.

It happens.

That was one of the great things about the store is that you would get those eight people crowds sometimes.

The early days of the store,

you would go up, you know, if you got like an 11.30 spot on a Tuesday night, you might go up in front of eight people.

That can happen.

Yeah.

Because you probably won't really get on at 11.30 because a bunch of people stop in and do sets.

So, by the time you get up, it's probably like closer to one.

I haven't been there, yeah.

But those shows show you what's bullshit, they show you there's something about a small crowd that shows you what you're saying is nonsense.

You know, like sometimes you have to like figure it out, you have to, and the brutal thing about comedy is you kind of really have to figure it out in front of people with the openness of failing, right?

Like, here's the thing: it's like

one of the things about jujitsu, when you learn jiu-jitsu, it's really important to not be afraid to tap.

Because if you can just open your game up and not be afraid to tap and tap, you can learn more because

you don't do it tense and you do it more playfully and it doesn't mean as much to you when you get tapped.

It sounds totally counterintuitive.

But if you can just relax and not use your ego, not try to win every session.

Just try to figure out why you're getting caught and figure out how to avoid it.

But don't be worried about tapping.

Just tap.

Tap whenever you get caught.

And then just let your ego deal with it.

And then learn and move on.

But you have to experience that.

You have to get tapped.

You have to get dominated.

Like, you have to figure out what's good and what's bad.

And I think that's the same thing.

There's an element of that in comedy too.

You got to like possibly fail with this idea.

Like, I'm going to throw this out.

I have, this is half cooked.

This is a weird idea that I have.

I'm like, am I crazy?

Like, do you think, is this where we're going as a society?

Is this where we're going as human beings?

And there's something there, and I'm trying to find it.

Yeah.

But I got to risk not finding it.

That's the only way you find it.

Because there's writing on stage that you only get.

There's certain lines that only come to you when you're willing to step out on stage.

But you got to, you you might fucking bomb.

You might eat shit.

You might have to transfer out of that.

Like, it's like you have to, it's a balancing act.

You might, this bit might not work at all, and then you might have to immediately figure out how to segue into something guaranteed so you get them back.

Oh, yeah.

I do the same.

Absolutely.

But

all my shit, I think, is full cooked.

I think I'm out there.

This is good.

This has been marinating for a while.

And then I'm going to eat shit.

You're like, fuck.

That was a good bit.

Damn it.

For me, it's.

Or one night it works right, and then the next night.

I just did a joke last night that they killed in the night before, nothing, crickets.

I'm like, what was the same?

Do you say it the same way?

Do you record yourself?

Yeah, I never listened to it, though.

Yeah, but that's the thing.

I've said it a little differently.

I've fucked up before what I didn't realize I fucked up, and I said something wrong, and I didn't realize I said it wrong until I listen to the recording.

I'm like, oh, I couldn't, because I'll fuck words up sometimes and just like I did, I talk too much.

You know, I really do.

I talk way, way too much.

So my brain is just like on autopilot talking sometimes.

Well, I know it's different if I if I don't say it right.

I'm saying if I say it the same, one night it gets a great laugh, some next night doesn't.

I'm like, I don't, I didn't do anything differently.

Yeah, but I mean, guys, what I'm saying is, like, you, you, you got to listen to it.

You got to listen to it to really hear.

Because there's a lot of times where you'll say something just slightly different, and that slightly different makes all the fucking.

Well, but then I had one.

This is the one last, it's a brand new joke.

There's a big, big billboard in Vegas, and it's for the Sahara pool and it's got this beautiful woman on it this big beautiful hot chick and it says meet me at the pool

so I put it up on the big screen I said this is my favorite billboard look at this look at meet me at the pool is hot girl and I said then you get there and it changes to a big gay pool party with like 75,000 dudes and it's a great picture so I did it last night

Got a laugh, but not like it should have gotten more because it's like meet me get then you get there and you're like Ava has anyone Ava have have you seen you know she was here earlier she's probably buried under all that cock or something last night it it just killed I mean almost for a minute they're still laughing and applauding I'm like I did I it didn't do anything different it was just the mood of that audience that does happen too maybe it was like you were doing better before that so you had more momentum maybe yeah sometimes I never I'm I'm just I don't have any momentum

I've seen your show your show in Luxor was really fun

I saw it god it's been it's been a few years.

I've got to check it out now.

But I've had a bunch of my friends come to Vegas and see your show.

It's very fun.

It's fun.

Thank you.

On Tuesdays, I do it in Spanish.

It's actually funny.

Oh, do you really?

Do you speak Spanish?

No.

How dare you, son?

Tuesday night's a Spanish night.

I come like, hey, este oreo.

Tom Seguro, who looks totally white,

speaks fluent Spanish and does stand-up in Spanish.

Yeah, so he'll do it.

I'm going to see him,

I'm going to see him.

How many dates did he do where he did, you going to do your mom's house?

Do his podcast?

Awesome.

Or Two Bears, One Cave.

Which one are you doing?

I'm doing with his wife.

Oh, yeah.

That's your mom's house.

Yeah.

They're both real fun.

Bert is

a great example.

Bert's a great example of what we were talking about.

One time we were at the improv, and Bert did this joke, this new joke.

The first set, it fucking killed.

And the second set, it didn't do nearly as well.

And he was confused.

And I had seen both sets.

And I said, oh, no, it's because in the first set, you said, like,

he

was at the, excuse me, he was at the supermarket.

I know this is already on a special or something.

I wouldn't say it.

It was like, he was at the supermarket, and he was standing there talking to his wife.

He's like, God, it's so cold in here.

And she looks at him and she goes, you are so fat.

And he's like, what?

She goes, your dick is hanging out.

Like, he didn't realize that his fly was open.

He goes raw dog everywhere.

He goes raw, dog.

He's got no underwear on and his zipper's undone.

But the joke was

the way it was, like, she had said it that way.

Right.

Like, you are so fat.

Like,

you can't see your dick.

So it's like, the first show, he nailed it.

He nailed the cadence.

And the second show, like, something was off and he forgot to say one part of it.

And I had remembered it from the first show.

Like, it's weird.

You know, you gotta listen.

You gotta listen because it's painful.

You hate listening to your own voice.

It's gross.

You already know the jokes.

You're like, shut up.

Shut up.

Fuck up.

I'm so tired of listening to you talk.

But you have to listen to it because if you don't,

you're not going to figure out how to do it the best way you can.

Really?

I think.

No, I think that's a great.

I just.

But there's a lot of people funnier than me that don't do it that way.

I ever want to see myself again.

Yeah.

Everybody's got their own process.

Now, you know, this whole thing.

I know some guys who are really funny that don't record any of their shows and they don't write at all.

They just go up a lot and they have ideas and they work them out on stage.

And they're really, really funny.

I am kind of in that with my with more of my stand-up than the prop shit I build.

But the stand-up, I kind of just, I have like a little bullet point.

I don't write it out.

When you do prop stuff, like, how do you even come up with ideas?

Like, what do you, do you, do you, like, sit down with like a whiteboard and go, what can we do?

No, I've never written.

I've never sat down and said, I'm going to write write today.

So how do the gags come together?

They come just like

a lot of them happen by just

in a conversation or a story or something.

Sometimes I'll see a prop, or a prop, meaning it's not a prop yet, it's just a thing, a toilet seat.

Or I'll see a thing and I'll go, there's something funny about that, you know.

And I think about it, and then I go, oh.

I was at a Home Depot.

I mean, I made this like yesterday.

I haven't even done it it yet.

I've never even tried this yet.

I'm going to do it on Tony tonight.

I've never done it ever, but I think it's funny.

Guys get drunk and they punch walls all the time, right?

Because

I had a friend backstage.

I said, what happened to your hand?

He's like, oh, yeah, fuck.

I said, what'd you do?

He's like, I punched a wall.

I said, you punched a wall?

I'm like, who the fuck?

And I just thought, I said, you should.

I thought this should be a stud finder, like, because he hit a stud.

So I said, this should be a a beer with a stud finder

so you can find out before you're drunk you fucking bitch and you yeah so I made it so it's it looks incredible but it's it's so it's so silly but it's it's it will be a crowd pleaser because it goes beep beep beep and you fucking bitch you wait

yeah if you have a hesitation you can fuck your hand up but so that sometimes they're that way sometimes I just

It'll come to me.

I don't know.

I had a

I was watching a cartoon, I think, years ago there was a there was these paper paper cups and string

the telephone and they were in a tree hey susie and she's like what's going on bobby and i'm watching it and i'm like

this is an old version of the cups we need a new version right because that's just two cups so i said we have to have another cup that comes out for call waiting And it was like, that was my free bird.

I mean, I did that.

I came up with, it was my closing bit.

You know, I'd hold someone in the front row.

What's your name?

They go, hey, I'd say,

you seem so close, you know, the strings, and she's holding it.

And I said, what's your name?

And she'd say your name, and I say, hold on, I have another call.

Hello?

I got to call you back.

I'm talking to whoever she was, Tracy.

And it would just murder because no one would expect, you know, call waiting to come out.

But it was, you know, right when call waiting came out.

So you had a second cup.

And then I had three cups for conference calling that came out of that.

So it was like, boom, boom.

Conference calling.

Then I'd throw it, I'd say call forwarding, and I'd throw it.

And then I had a clear cup that was for caller ID.

I said, I know you're there, pick up, I can see you.

So it was like, it was like a bam, bam, bam, bam, you know, a really good prop that turned into like a, uh, like a routine.

It would be funny if you tried to say those things today.

People would be like, what?

No, no, no, no.

That's why.

No, that's a, that's a,

that's a carrot classic, I call them ones that are like, you know, I do the, I do things sometimes in the show where I do carrot classics.

Yeah.

I said, this is stuff for people that grew up with me in the 90s.

This is, you'll remember some of these.

And I do like the ice tray that has a level, and it's great.

The biggest laugh comes when I go, half the crowd doesn't know what a fucking ice tray is.

I mean, that gets the biggest laugh because no one has an ice tray.

But the thing's still funny.

They're like, oh, I get that's clever.

Don't people still have ice trays?

Well, if you live in a, yeah, if you live in like a trailer.

No, regular house.

Like an ice tray.

Yeah, where you put it in the middle of the city.

Well, they might have told me that.

They may have new ones now with the big cube ones.

Yeah, if you don't want an ice machine in your refrigerator thing,

you can just.

So maybe that joke's still relevant.

I think it's normal.

I think it's, I have fucking ice trays.

I have ice trays, too.

I use them sometimes, I think.

But see, when you're going to, when you go and put it back in, you got to leave it.

Yeah.

But there's certain things that people just like, pagers, make a pager joke today.

They're like, what?

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I remember when I, I, technological jokes, like if you think about like jokes about technology, when you date them, it's so weird.

I used to have a joke about texting.

I'd be like, why are you making me read?

I'm like, call me.

You're on a phone.

It's the best way to communicate.

Call me.

I'm like, why are you making me fucking read?

This is so weird.

I'm like, it takes you four presses to get an S.

Because that was back when people would send you a text message on a mile phone.

Right, which you had on a flip phone, rather.

Yeah, when you had to make a seven upside down on a pager.

Hello.

It was the most annoying people that would want to read.

That's so great.

Why are we doing this?

This is so dumb.

And I would just call them back.

You couldn't text Joey Diaz.

He would yell at you.

It would fucking screw.

He'll text you now.

But, dude, for like seven, eight years, Joey would fucking yell at you.

Joey was the last one to get a cell phone.

He had a pager.

I was the last one to get a phone, too.

I didn't get one.

Joey had a pager until like the year 2000.

That's great.

I was a little more than that.

He fucking kept that pager forever, man.

And

you'd have to call his fucking pager.

That's great.

He was a wild boy.

He was fun.

He was just such a fun dude.

But

if you did not call him, he would get angry.

He goes, I'm insecure.

I want to hear your fucking voice.

Why are you fucking reading text messages?

Making me fucking text you like a little girl.

What are you doing?

Him and Red Band would get into it because Red Band loves texting.

So Red Band was like one of the first guys to text.

He would text you back in the

days.

You know, when you press it four times to get an S.

It's crazy.

And then I remember people got those sidekicks.

You remember you're the coolest

sidekick is in a keyboard.

Remember that?

And some of their sidekicks got hacked?

Right.

Didn't like Paris Hilton again, didn't some Cooter pictures pop up because her sidekick got hacked?

Something along those lines?

Something like that was something.

Yeah, like it was probably from that.

Or something happened where people like stole their sidekicks and got

something happened.

Wasn't there something about that?

Some sort of a privacy concern with the sidekicks back in the day?

I mean, I don't know about.

There's a group that claimed they broke an air

sidekick, yeah.

Yeah.

There's also, there was like strategic releases of stuff back then, then, like when they would accidentally have a photographer looking at their vagina as they got out of a car.

You don't notice that photographer on his knees with a camera pointing at you.

That's hilarious.

That's so crazy.

Nobody has a camera pointing at you.

That's so weird.

Yeah, like, come on.

That guy would go to jail.

That's probably illegal.

Probably illegal.

And meanwhile, you don't have any underwear on.

That seems crazy.

Like, why do they have pictures of your pussy on the internet?

On purpose.

Did you do that on purpose?

You did, but it's really, it's smart.

Yeah.

I mean, if you want to market yourself and just get more popular so more people know your name, it works.

Right.

We're talking about them right now.

Yeah.

But that was like a brief moment.

People don't remember pussygate because there was a time where these high-level celebrity type people were accidentally showing their pussy.

Yep.

Whoopsies.

Here's my pussy.

It's just

out there in the breeze.

Just nothing but a curtain.

So weird.

Over raw pussy.

Out there in the wild.

At clubs, at fucking award shows.

Wild pussy.

And see, I never say that word on stage ever.

Pussy?

Yeah.

Because of Prince.

Out of respect.

Out of respect for ever.

Out of respect for Prince.

That's right.

No, I just never have.

And I think it was

last night.

No, not last night.

Night for last.

I don't know what.

The crowd was just, I don't know, they were crazy.

And I don't know.

Someone yelled something out, and I said, well, wait i got no i said i'm gonna just do i did a horrible prop it was a it was a bud light bottle you know you know like one of those metal ones that i had these these legs put on it like that i said and it's hilarious looking i said i made a bud light so guys will drink it again you know it's just and

the guys the guy was like someone yelled out i don't get it i said it's pussy like how do you not get the joke it's two legs spread the beer goes like this and the legs go i said see you're eating pussy And it was just like, the crowd was like, a carrot top can't say pussy.

Like, what?

They just didn't, I said, no, it's okay.

I said, but, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't say it again.

No, no, no.

Don't say it again?

No, they could.

I said, no, don't, no, no.

They're thinking, don't say it again.

I said, no, but you can say it.

I said, now that I've said that, though,

we've topped it.

I mean, right?

You can't top, once you say pussy, you can't top it.

So they're like, oh, they laughed.

I'm like, you know, now fucks nothing.

I said pussy.

So we've reached the plateau of raunchy at the show, the Carrotop show, because, yeah, it's more silly.

I mean, there's an edge to it.

But do you have an edge to it?

But you swear whenever you feel like it.

Yeah.

You just.

Yeah, I don't need to.

But I do it for some parts.

I don't need to.

No, but I never say buzzing.

Fun.

Swearing's fun.

People that don't want you to swear.

That always makes me...

That was like the Bill Cosby thing.

He was always angry at people swearing.

I remember that, Richard Murphy.

Remember?

Richard.

Eddie Murphy?

Eddie Murphy.

That was the best.

That's one of the greatest bits.

He says,

do the people laugh?

Do you get paid?

Tell Bill to have a coke and smile and shut the fuck up.

That was great.

Because you can hear it in Pryor's voice.

No, yeah.

Great.

Yeah.

He's brilliant, right?

Brick Pryor.

Oh, my God.

Just brilliant.

Oh, my God.

My parents took me to see him live on the Sunset Strip when he was in the movie theater.

I was like 15, 16 years old.

That's great.

It was incredible.

I couldn't believe how funny it was.

I will never forget this.

It was the first moment where I realized what stand-up can do because this guy guy was on stage and just talking it was the funniest thing i'd ever heard in my life ever yeah i thought about all the movies that i had seen that were really funny movies and i was like there's nothing that's this funny and this guy's just talking yeah i was looking around the theater i'll never forget this man and there was people just going like this just throwing their body up and down while they're laughing holding their body like oh my god yeah oh my god just dying laughing i was like this is incredible He's just talking.

It's incredible how funny this is.

Yeah, he was, that's a groundbreaking special.

Yeah, when you're 15, you're like, no way.

And you're right,

and you're right.

And seeing people, like you said, physically laughing like that.

Falling down.

You don't see that often.

Dying, like they couldn't handle it.

I opened for Steve Harvey one time in Birmingham, Alabama.

And I get there, I set up all my stuff, and

I'd never met him.

This is years and years ago.

I had like a trunk.

I had like 30 props and a third of them were really good.

I kind of just opened.

I get there and I do the first thing.

Oh, and Steve says to me, you know, you ever worked a black crowd?

I was like,

no, I mean, like all black crowd.

I said, no.

I was performing in front of black people.

He says, no, no, all black crowd.

I said, will it be all black crowd?

He said, oh, yeah, all black crowd.

I didn't know.

They would go one way or the other.

He just said,

if they stand up and they start going, they're not leaving.

They're standing up

when they laugh.

I was like, anyway, I go out there and I do okay for a bit.

And then I did one.

I don't know what it was, but they all got up and they were like, it looked like they were leaving, but

that's how they were, like you said, they were just rejoicing.

And they're like, ah.

And I just, I never, I couldn't believe it.

And I came off and he's like, nice, nice set.

And I'm like, that was so much fun.

They were so into the show.

And I said, I don't know how he's going to follow that because I did really

sort of gosh.

I did really good.

It's his crowd.

I really did grow.

I thought to myself, he's not going to, you know, that fucker, that guy, you know,

well, Steve is.

Sure.

I know it was his crowd, but

paint was peeling off the club.

It was so loud.

It was so piercing loud in there.

And that's another game.

I thought, I'm not in comedy.

Whatever I'm in, I'm not in that.

When he did things of comedy with Bernie Mac, that was like Bernie Mac in his prime.

Bernie Mac, brilliant.

Oh, my God.

Love Bernie Mac.

Bernie Mac was great.

He was so funny.

He was so powerful on stage.

Just like sometimes you see someone performing, just like

everything.

His eyes alone just

punchlines.

Charisma.

Just pop.

Yep.

Yeah, pop.

He just was funny.

There's some dudes that just know how to just hit it just right.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was that way.

Oh, my God.

It was so funny.

I mean, that whole era tour, it's kind of interesting that no one's done that since, right?

There's been like the Kings of Comedy, and then there's Blue Collar.

Right.

There haven't been really a lot of those movie tours like that.

There hasn't been.

Because they were tours and then they made films.

Right.

Right?

Kings of Comedy, how many films did they make?

They made at least one, right?

Yeah.

How many Kings of Comedy?

How many specials did Kings of Comedy make?

I think just the one or maybe two.

So then Blue Collar did a couple, right?

Two or how many did they do?

They didn't mean actual specials, yeah, but they toured like crazy.

They toured like crazy.

But they did specials, and they all went on to tour, too.

Yeah.

But there hasn't been like one.

There hasn't been.

You're right.

No.

Interesting.

It's funny.

But it's also like everybody's already touring.

This is like there's more people doing arenas now than I think have ever.

Ever.

I mean, not even.

It's unbelievable.

It's weird.

it's but it's what we're talking about Joe Coy came to my show about a month ago

Joe Coy's killing it he's always doing it

he just said to me

he was just backstage with his family and he said um just

casually he said he said what do you do what are you doing on you know February or something I said

probably working he goes ah since have you come so fi because I'm like oh what's going on at sofi he's like me

fuck yeah I said you what are you going there for?

He's like,

me, like, to perform.

I just, it just blew me away.

I'm like, you're playing SoFi?

He's like, yeah, he's been doing aren't everywhere.

Yeah, yeah.

It's already sold out.

Yeah.

I'm like,

and he's so casual.

Yeah, I come to SoFi.

Like, he's going to go see the Stones.

He's like, no, I'm going to see me.

I mean, fuck.

Nate Bargatzi's another one like that.

He's doing arenas everywhere.

He's just super normal, casual.

Yeah.

Hang out with us.

This is a stadium.

Football stadium.

Which one's doing the football stadium?

Joe Coy and Gabriel.

Dang it.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a great one, too.

Combination.

March 2026.

That's a great one, too.

Yeah, you can't go wrong.

Fluffy does LA by himself, right?

Doesn't he do the Dodgers Stadium by himself?

Yeah, so insane.

Insane.

Yeah, Fluffy is a giant following.

I remember when we were at the Ice House, he had the record for the most amount of shows sold out in a row.

And they had a plaque on the wall.

Look at these guys.

Holy shit.

SoFi Stadium.

God damn.

that's nuts yeah man they're killing it this is i'll be playing you crackers on uh there's shane gillis is killing it like that tony's killing it like that it's pretty not a

shane did

who did shane oh my god

oh my god oh my god that's incredible that's incredible holy shit

whoo

it's fun time fun time for comedy birds doing giant places sigura's doing giant places it's really wild.

It's wild to see.

Yeah, I'm going to meet him on Monday.

Which one?

Tuesday.

Which one?

Todd.

Oh, you never met him?

I don't think so.

Oh, I don't think so.

You'll love him.

I know if I'd think I'd met him or not.

I don't know.

He's like 187 pounds now.

Oh, really?

Dude, he was at the club.

Did you see him?

I can just tell from the photos.

He looks so skinny.

Dude, he looks great.

He looks great.

He was at the club the other night.

I'm like, dude, you look fucking great.

I go, what do you weigh?

He goes, 187.

He hasn't been 187 since he was like in high school.

Oh, good for him.

Yeah, but he's like healthy.

He's not like Ozempic.

Yeah,

that

had a good joke.

Gaffigan, he makes me laugh.

He said, I want my meet and greet.

And my fan said to me, oh, you look, you look, are you okay?

And I get that.

I'm okay.

Yeah, you okay?

He says, yeah, I'm fine.

Why?

He says, you look sick.

He's like, no, no, I just lost weight.

And she goes, oh, Ozempic?

He goes, no, not Ozempic.

I'm on the other one.

You're on the other side.

But it's like,

if you have muscles, you're on steroids.

If you're skinny, you're on Ozempic.

Can anyone be happy with anybody just looking good?

No one.

No one's happy with anybody.

God, you look good.

What are you on?

No, I'm not nothing.

The only time you're going to find people that are happy when you're doing good is if they're doing good.

So if they're doing good, then they get to say, hey, Caratop, you're looking great.

You're looking great because they don't feel threatened.

You look good.

So some people do.

They feel threatened by other people doing well.

So they don't.

Ozempic?

Yeah.

You and Ozepic?

I mean, I would die if I took a second.

There's no fucking way that that guy has the willpower to lose that weight.

He's a pussy.

Right, right.

And then they feel better.

They feel better about themselves.

Yeah.

Because their life sucks.

Interesting.

Yeah.

That's a lot of people.

That's a giant chunk of the population.

That's why I'm just finding it.

That's always funny.

I hear my friends down.

I'm like, I look at her.

Yeah, she's got to be on.

I said, maybe she's just taking care of herself.

Maybe she's doing

apples and doing yoga.

Fuck who knows?

Also, some people, it's really going to help them.

You know, if you're 600 pounds, it's probably a good idea.

And what my friend was telling me, my friend Brigham was telling me,

who actually runs a pharmacy, he's like, the issue is the dosage, first of all, that people are getting these enormous doses and

variable by body weight.

They should probably be getting a much lower dose.

And he's saying they're showing now that if you mix it with certain peptides, I think it was IGF-1.

Is that what he said?

I think so.

I think he said IGF-1, that if you mix it with certain peptides, it eliminates the muscle loss and the bone loss.

And so what you do is if you get on one of these things, if you're overweight and you're really struggling and you just need something to just get you back on track, the idea is that you could get on this and then

use it as like a kickstart to a healthy lifestyle.

Okay, now you've dropped 30 pounds.

You feel much better, right?

Okay, you've you've been eating really good, right?

Now let's get off this fucking nonsense that you're on that's making you lose your appetite and let's now just maintain your body weight and just keep eating healthy and it'll go off.

Like if you just do it the right way, it'll you'll continue to progress.

You know, you don't have to stay on that stuff because long term is kind of sketchy.

Like, I don't know what are you, what are you doing?

It's like, what is what is the actual GLP-1

chemical, like what, or

whatever you want to call it, medication.

What does it actually do?

What does this peptide actually do that makes you lose your appetite?

Because that's essentially what it's doing.

It's supposed to just curb your appetite, right?

Which is the last thing I ever want to hear about.

I fucking love appetite.

I love you.

Yeah, I love you.

I am appetite.

Yeah.

We got from the airport here.

I thought people talked.

My sister was like, where's the best barbecue place?

Barbecue.

Yeah, dude.

I don't want to hear that.

Where are you thinking about barbecue?

I lose my appetite.

You can go fuck yourself.

I love appetite.

So it regulates appetite by acting on the brain's hypothalamus to promote feelings of fullness and satiety, and by slowing down the rate of which food leaves the stomach, gastric emptying.

It also influences the brain's reward system, reduces cravings for high calorie food, and dampening the motivation to eat.

These combined effects contribute to a reduced overall energy intake and a longer lasting feeling of fullness after meals.

I think it's like everything else, man.

Like you could probably use it responsibly, and it can probably help you if you're really obese.

But I think there's way too many people that are hopping on it that just need a little discipline.

Right.

Just get a little discipline.

But that doesn't mean that some people shouldn't use it, right?

And if they can figure out how to do it right with like peptides, then okay, maybe it's a healthy way for you to get into a good lifestyle.

But the real thing is get healthy.

That's the real thing.

Right.

Money is predominantly made for people with diabetes, I think, but then they found out that

it would help people that were obese.

Exactly.

Which, like you said, no, and it's a huge moneymaker.

Oh, it's great.

They're making some money.

Making some money off of it.

I just eat and throw up.

That's what I do.

But see, that's a lot easier.

That's one that I don't have a problem with people making money off of.

I don't have a problem with them making money off of any of them.

Let me be real clear.

But this one's like maybe

overall benefit, if done correctly.

There's so many people out there that are fucked, man.

They're 500 fucking pounds and they don't know how to stop and they they go to counseling

they think about getting their stomach stapled and it is an addiction just like gambling just like anything else you need some help sometimes

and maybe that's what they need

just something something to fucking get you out of this terrible state and move you into a place of healthy And then you'll be, you'll feel better.

This is a problem with like,

you'll think better.

You'll be nicer.

you'll you'll have a better life You'll have more energy to do the things you like to do.

There's no downsides to being healthy.

There's zero downsides.

No, you know the only downside is it sucks.

It's a lot of hard work.

But once you get there Once you get there, the feeling of satisfaction of having accomplished something, like getting your body into a condition where it's like healthy and you can do stuff.

You can, you know, take a fucking yoga class.

You can do CrossFit.

You can do stuff.

It's physical.

It works well.

or just get implants like i did it's a lot

there was this one guy who got like the most implants oh i know

you seen that guy yeah

no it's that's really creepy isn't it someone needed to talk to him a long time ago like mike whatever you're doing mike slow down like mic slow down mike you look crazy i don't know if you got a mirror in your fucking house yeah no god damn but that's the thing with with people when they start doing doing that kind of stuff, they don't know when to stop.

No.

And it becomes addictive, you know?

Just like eating becomes addictive or gambling.

You could get addicted to just fucking with your face.

That guy, there he is.

Oh, he's got a back implant.

Tight.

21 G's.

$21,000 to do a back implant.

It does look like he's got crazy lats.

I'd be like, that guy must be a rock climber.

Right?

If you saw that, I'd be like, that guy's jacked.

Look how jacked he is.

All the way down to his wrists.

And you're like, hey, why are those wrists on that body?

That's crazy

Something's wrong with this

You know what I mean?

It's like he looks great for like whatever it is the boobs are odd

But there's some some part of your brain is like what is going on?

Does he have fake abs too?

I don't know.

Those are great fake abs if those are fake abs.

Let me see that again

there.

It looks real.

That looks normal.

But one of the ones that you just showed earlier look like, okay, are those his real abs?

Because if you, if you could get those abs, if those are real, like you could have done the whole thing.

You could have done the whole thing, fella.

Like, somebody just get you lifted away.

He didn't have to do that.

I'll see if he admits that.

Oh, no, he totally admits to it, right?

Oh, yeah.

No, I think that's his whole thing.

Yeah, he's letting everybody know.

It's not like he's like, nope,

God just keeps blessing me.

Under the knife more than 190 times.

Oh, that's normal.

For over 340 procedures.

Well, that seems totally sane.

Hey, man.

Just how many, what is it like, what kind of damage are you doing to your body just going under 190 times?

Jeez.

190 times you went under?

Starting at age 18.

Whoa.

As soon as he got out of the house.

Fuck you, mom and dad.

Yeah, I'm kind of

got orange cones around his lats.

I'm getting lats.

I'm getting fucked.

Fucking lats.

He doesn't, but he looks like he's a small frame guy.

He doesn't.

Exactly.

You get down to his wrist.

You're like, that guy's a third wrist.

This is insane.

The wrist was weird.

It's not admitting abs, saying it did everything else.

Oh.

Let me see.

Okay, well, if that's true, and it may be true, they might not be able to do abs back then.

I don't know.

I think they

do abs.

I know they do that sculpting thing where they sculpt the fat away and it makes

fake abs look like.

They don't look like that guy's abs.

I have a guy.

Those look pretty good.

But that other guy's absolute.

Oh, that's that crazy guy.

That guy's had a lot of those things, too.

So that's fake abs.

Yeah, Yeah, those look real.

A little more real.

But that, that, like I'm saying, like, if somebody just talked that dude into lifting weights, hooked on the look.

What is

this?

I think those are his real abs, which are pretty good.

Like, he could have got a tight swimmer's body instead of what he did.

Ooh, Jesus Christ.

They also do that sculpting thing, which it's not an implant, you know, but they like drag them out with.

Yeah, they expose, they cut all the fat away, so it exposes more of the abdominal area.

Abdominal sculpting keratin.

I think I had that tomorrow before segora tight

you're gonna have to get drained though you're gonna have these tubes on tubes coming out

leaking pus

because you just had a wound where they cut your fat away because

you want to look better and beaming i like i yeah no all i have to do is just work out jesus christ people do a crunch your body is who you are right if you have like a little bit of a gut it's because you've been fucking off That's just it.

You live a good life.

Go into the world.

You live a good life.

This is who you are.

Let it go.

You're living good.

You got got a little gut.

If you don't like it, lose weight.

Yeah.

I just don't know if you need Ozempic.

Maybe somebody does.

Like you said, someone that's really obese probably would help them.

Dude, we're just about four or five years away from them being able to genetically engineer you anyway.

They're going to be able to eliminate all obesity.

Obesity is going to be out the window, probably.

At least with people who have the money for the procedure.

They'll probably just fucking lay paste around your body.

The fat will burn burn away and you'll fucking

come out and look like Chris Evans.

Probably.

Captain America.

That's going to happen, dude.

It's going to happen.

Yeah, it will.

They're already doing weird stuff that's beneficial to people.

They're already figuring out how to splice genes and turn off

gene expressions that cause certain diseases.

And they're getting involved in some really wild research when it comes to manipulating your genome.

And once it really gets good, once they really start

curing certain diseases and figuring stuff out and they ratchet up and they can start, they'll start going,

who wants to be good looking?

Who wants a giant dick?

Who wants the biggest ass?

That's right.

Yeah, it's just going to 100% people are going to all look like cartoons.

We're all going to be cartoons.

Yeah.

It will all look like that.

We're all going to look like Thor and the woman will look like Prime Jennifer.

The whole world's hot.

I mean, if it's fun times.

Fun times.

Everybody gets to play.

Everybody's playing.

Yeah.

How much it must suck to just unfortunately be born really unattractive.

You know, like there's people that got a terrible roll of the dice in life.

You know, they got weird shit.

I'm right here for God's sake.

You're a normal looking guy, dude.

Your normal-looking guy's done some stuff.

But there's normal-looking people like you and I,

like Elephant Titus, man, that guy?

Yeah, yeah.

Remember that guy?

Of course.

Imagine something like that where you could just completely change it and all of a sudden he looks like Ken.

Yep.

Why wouldn't you do that?

No.

Why wouldn't everybody get a chance to be hot?

What's it going to be like if everybody's hot?

Fun.

It's going to be fucking fun, dude.

It's going to be awesome.

Everybody gets to play.

Yeah, it's going to be fun.

Everybody's hot.

It's going to be great.

And what if they figured out what's wrong with people's brains?

Like, oh, we thought that you just had to let people experience life and figure out their issues and make mistakes and maybe go to jail and then get out.

No, no, no, no, no.

We can just rewire brains.

Rewire everybody's brain so everybody's like really calm and peaceful and kind and compassionate.

And you have to sign up for it.

It's the compassionate program and everybody has to get the updated software.

That's great.

We'll all be super sweet to each other.

We're going to have to do it.

You're going to need software.

Yeah.

I have a software update tonight.

Everyone's going to be sure.

And everyone's going to be nice.

It's going to be a human horse.

They're going to watch their hair.

They're going to have muscles.

And then all inventions will cease

instantaneously.

We will never invent a single thing after that.

There will be no more music.

Everyone's going to be hot.

There will be

no motivation whatsoever for you to ever

be

Prince.

Right.

You know?

Like, Prince became Prince because he was five foot three, and that was the way to get women to love him, to be so fucking talented, like, that people just are blown away.

And you're acting like a woman they don't even understand him they're so hot for you like he hacked the system but you're not gonna get that if you're i met prince a couple times one time i met him he he was still cursing because i was on the tonight show and i was back in that little hallway getting my makeup uh

done or whatever

and but i already came in makeup so i don't know why that you know i was always ready so i i I just walk out the makeup thing and Prince was on the show.

His door is right there and mine is down here.

So I walked over to Jay and I said, He walked in.

I said, Can I, could you introduce me to Prince?

He said, Well, you're in the throat.

It's going to knock on the door.

I said, Well, no, I'm a protocol.

I'd rather you walk me in.

It's Prince, and just say, Hey, you know, he said, I haven't even said hi to him yet either.

So come with me.

So he said, Well, go after this.

He goes to get his makeup.

I'm just standing there.

Prince comes out of his dressing room.

He says, Where's my fucking tea?

And I'm like,

what's that?

He's my fucking tea.

And I was like, oh,

I'll go get it.

And he closed the door.

And Jay was right there in the thing.

I said,

where's Prince's fucking tea?

And she's like, what?

I said, he just yelled at me to get his fucking tea.

He's like, does he know you're on the?

No, he doesn't know my show.

He probably doesn't know you're on the show.

So I went and got tea and I walked and knocked on the door and he opened it and

his assistant opened the door.

I said, this is Prince's tea.

He says, he doesn't drink tea.

I was like, okay,

no?

And Prince is looking, he's like, close the door to the thing.

What the fuck was that about?

Where's my fucking tea?

I go get tea.

So listen, that seems insane.

It's insane.

But it was just awkward.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

So the next time I'm in Vegas, I'm going to my own room.

You didn't talk to him at all after that?

No.

You You were on the show together?

No.

He did his thing.

I came and Jay brings us all on at the end.

This is everything, Prince, and then Keratop.

And Prince declined to go out for the closing, but you can see it.

He's like, we had Prince, Karen.

Do you think he was embarrassed that he told you to get his tea?

No, I think he was out of his mind.

No, maybe.

Maybe he thought, oh, shit, I know.

But he would have said, thank you for my tea.

The girl's like, he doesn't want tea.

I'm like, he just asked me for fucking tea.

All right.

That follows along with my theory about that kind of talent.

I always think you have to be at least somewhat insane or have a relationship.

You have to have a relationship with insanity, which is probably why I joined Jehovah's Witness

and decided to stop swearing.

It's like he wanted some structure, right?

He's probably had a relationship with insanity.

Probably.

I mean, he wasn't.

He definitely had a, I mean, he had a troubled, you know, we all know that.

He was a rough rough patch there for him.

But

the best one was I was going to my room at the MGM Grand at the top suites, whatever the hell they're called.

It's after the show, and they have the little girls at the end of the, you know, the check you in at the top.

Oh, morning, Mr.

Thompson.

How was your show?

Awful.

And I start walking down the hall, and there's this big, big.

I mean, big black guy just standing right in the center of the hallway.

So I'm walking towards him, and I'm like,

you know, I'm getting closer to him.

So I said, hey, how's it going?

And I saw him go like, you know, I can't go by him.

So I said, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I need to go to my, he's, you can't go to, you can't go past here.

I said,

oh, no, I have to go to my room.

He says, you're not going by, you're not going by me.

He wasn't mean about it, but he says, you're not, you're not going to go by me.

And I made a joke like, so I can, I can probably get by you.

You're being funny.

I said, I said, I can, I can probably get by you pretty quick.

Didn't laugh.

So I said, all right.

I went back to the girl at the front.

I said, is that guy work here?

She's like, who?

I said, the guy in the hallway.

No, what?

What guy?

I said, that guy.

No.

I said, well, then you won't let me go by him.

She's like, I'll go with you.

So she walks with me.

I said, I brought back up.

I mean, I get this little old lady.

Right.

I brought back up.

We're getting through you.

And he's like,

sir, he needs to go to his room.

He's like, I'm sorry,

he can't come by me.

And I just kind of, I figured there's got to be something behind him.

And I kind of just do one of these, like, well, I just got to get,

and it's Prince, and he's standing.

He's only, you know, he's this, this guy's three times his size, and Prince is standing behind him.

So I just, I say, Prince, and he goes, hey, I said, can I go to my room?

He goes,

Yeah.

I said, can you tell him?

And he goes, to who?

I said, the guy.

Like, he's not with him.

He says, he said, yeah, let Keratop go to his room.

And he goes, he goes one of these.

And I walked by him.

And he's just, Prince is just standing behind this guy in the hallway.

I don't know what he was doing even.

He was just standing there.

He was just standing.

Probably writing a new song in his head.

Maybe he was right.

I don't know, but it was just weirdest.

And he just said, hey, and I said, thanks, Prince.

He said, no problem.

Bro, he's a weird guy.

That's why he's so good.

Yeah.

I just never forget that.

I was like,

I don't think anybody gets that good without being really out of their mind.

You know?

You got to be out there, man.

He is standing there behind this guy.

That's funny.

It wasn't like

that.

For those phones, it wasn't like.

That's a funny thing to do.

Playing.

Stand out there with a giant dude in front of him.

He would just stand there behind him.

Maybe he was waiting on a girl to come out of the room.

That's all I could think of.

Maybe.

Just felt like he would just stand there.

And I look back and thanks, Brince.

He said, no problem, Caroline.

Remember when he had to use a symbol?

Because he didn't have the rights to use That's right, the record label.

That's so insane.

You go back to Billy Joel's song, I Am the Entertainer.

Like, this is that too.

It's the same thing.

Exactly.

Music business fucking with one of the all-time greats.

I was just reading about Billy Joel.

His first record deal, he almost fucked everything up.

He signed everything away for 15 years.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

1973.

Some guy saw him perform that song you're talking about, and he's like, we got to figure this out.

Wow.

Captain Jack?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Captain Jack is a great fucking song.

Have you ever seen him do it live?

No.

Oh, yeah.

God damn.

See if you can find an old version.

Can we play it and like cut it out?

I mean, we can.

Yeah, let's play it and cut it out.

Find an old version of him doing it live from like the 1970s, if you can, if it's possible.

Yeah, there's a whole thing in the documentary right now about Billy Joel.

Look at this.

How quick is this?

1976, Captain Jack

from

Connecticut, live 1976.

We'll come back, ladies and gentlemen.

Now we're back.

Going back to, we talked about music earlier.

How good was that song?

That's what I'm saying, though.

People, we have this, you, I'm sure, everyone has the same discussion about music and da-da-da-da-da.

You know, these songs, everything from that era, 60s, 70s, 80s, is still relevant and amazing.

But

it's hard to find.

I don't know if they just don't play it, too.

You got to find it.

You got to find the...

Find artists, man.

You You got to find the artists.

Go back and I, you know, who do you?

There's a lot of artists.

I still listen to, you know.

Yeah, but there's great guys right now, man.

You know, there's Jelly Roll right now.

Oh, he's amazing.

Oliver Anthony.

He's amazing.

Teddy Swims.

That dude.

Do you know who that guy is?

Oh, my God.

Play the Door by Teddy Swims.

What's that?

We can't play music anymore.

Just like, we'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out.

Sorry.

But I just want you to listen to it.

Here's a you fuck with your crowd.

You say, okay, now here, this is one of the best songs I've ever heard.

Check this out.

Yeah, but you come back and

you go, right?

And it's like,

listen to this song.

Great.

You get it.

That's great.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

See, they're out there, man.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

You just got to find them.

I guess when I'm old like me, I just get stubborn.

I go, oh, what did he listen to?

I'm like, oh, Elton John.

Billy Joel.

What the fuck?

I'll give you some shit to listen to.

There's some great great shit out there.

I try to.

I just get so old.

You listen to Zach Bryan?

George Joel.

I love Zach Brown.

Yeah, I love Zach.

Zach Bryan.

I love Zach Brown, too, but Zach Bryan.

Oh, Zach Bryan.

He's the guy that was at the arena with Shane Gillis.

You don't know him?

No, I don't know.

Wait, wait, wait, do I not know him?

He's phenomenal.

He's phenomenal.

Phenomenal.

And another one of those guys is just like super, super talented, an incredible voice.

He was in the military, man.

He was making songs on TikTok in the military or one of those things, like Vine or something like like that?

And that's how he popped.

Just like right out of nowhere.

That's crazy.

Let him out of the army.

Like, you're going to be a fucking star, kid.

Superstar.

He was in the Navy.

What arena were they at?

Notre Dame.

How many people is in that?

I'll show you.

I mean, it's 100%.

Is there a picture of them on stage?

A lot, yeah.

I want to see a picture of them on stage.

That's so surreal.

Yeah.

Those numbers are so surreal.

Like, look at the size of that.

That's so crazy.

It's like the Luxor every night.

Nothing different.

Basically, the same.

It's the same.

What's the biggest show you've ever done?

Stadium in Florida.

What is that?

But that was for

their homecoming.

It wasn't a Carrot Op show.

I was the headliner, but

it was a

look at that.

That's crazy.

Wow.

He was so nervous about doing it, too.

I can't wait to see you.

Oh, I imagine.

Well, how could you not be?

Well, my thing with the stadium, because

they do a soundtrack there,

but the stadium's empty, and it was, you know, 100,000 people.

This side was going to be the alumni.

This side was the kids, you know.

All ages.

Now, they had a rules.

You couldn't say, you couldn't curse.

You couldn't

definitely couldn't say anything sexual.

So, Mike, thank God I brought all this stupid shit.

It was just, you know, meant for Kyle is a bong.

The open guy goes out, and his first joke is like, I'm eating this chick out, right?

My guy comes running in, like, dude, my boy, he's like, his opening line was, I'm eating this girl out.

And I said, no, he goes, yeah.

I'm like, well, second guy goes out, same thing.

He's just,

they're beyond

rotten, gross, dirty, right?

right?

And I'm getting ready to go up, and I'm like, well, I'm going to eat shit now because

they went here.

But the crowd wanted

goofy.

They had heard all this.

It was actually working to my advantage.

They did all this horrible, dirty stuff that the crowd was kind of like, let's get Keratop.

And I came up and I was like, you know, I did my exact thing I was supposed to do.

It was silly, goofy, you know, for both sides.

They loved it.

But the weirdest thing, and I'd love to ask him that, because I played a stadium, is it you say,

you know, A, and it goes, hey, hey, hey, hey, four times, a backslap, whatever they call that.

Oh, echo?

Yeah.

So I didn't, in sound check, it wasn't doing that.

So I went out and I said, I said, something like, you know, Florida, I'm from Florida.

So I was like, oh, Florida, my hometown.

I said, Florida, my hometown, Florida, my hometown.

Oh, no.

And I went.

Oh, shit.

Like, in my head, I didn't know what I was going to do in that split second.

And I said,

I said, wow, wow, wow.

One thing cool about playing in the stadium, stadium, stadium, is that every joke that's going to bomb is going to bomb four times, four times, four times.

And the crowd went like crazy.

And I said, no, seriously, that eight shit, eight shit.

And it just worked off that echoes crazy.

Well, you figured out how to work with it.

Right, right, right.

In a split second.

I'm like, yeah.

That's the way it does.

That joke sucks.

Sucks, sucks, four times.

God, imagine not.

just ignoring the fact that you hear yourself four times.

No, I know, and you have to time out your right.

It was the weirdest thing ever.

You're holding up a thing and you're like, it's a thing, it's a thing, and you have to hold it longer till they see it to put it down.

It's weird.

I remember when I used to work at Great Woods Center for the Performing Arts.

It was like

a concert venue.

And I was there when Bill Cosby was there.

And

the problem with comedy in that place is that it was outdoors.

So the inside of it was all covered.

Like there was like an inside space.

It was open air.

There was a roof over it and it was all covered.

And then there was a lawn area.

And the Meadowbrook kind of thing.

And they sold tickets for the lawn, but you could only hear the show inside the roofed area.

Because once it got out, all the echo fucked it up so bad when it made it out into the lawn.

You couldn't understand what the fuck anybody said.

You had to be in there where the speakers were.

And so everybody was furious.

They were all complaining.

I'm like, oh, they never checked.

Like, no one checked to see if you could hear someone talk out there.

That's crazy.

Crazy.

These kids today, you know, no one knew what they were saying.

The dentist coming there.

I saw Dangerfield there.

He was backstage.

So backstage when Dangerfield would do shows, he would get high as fuck.

He would take off all of his clothes and he would put a robe on.

That's what he'd go on stage with a bathrobe on, just raw dick and a bathrobe and with slippers on.

And dude, he fucking murdered.

I was, I guess I was like 19 years old when I was working there.

And he went up there, and I was not even thinking about doing stand-up comedy yet.

So I was just loving it just as a pure fan.

I was like, I can't believe Rodney Jazzerfield just hanging out with a bathrobe.

Because that's what he was known for.

Even in Vegas, he'd go around the casino and saw it.

I saw him.

I didn't see his dick, but I saw him in a bathrobe, and I saw him go on stage in a bathrobe.

And that was his move.

No,

I saw it.

He walked up in his dressroom on purpose with it undone.

I swear to God.

I said, hey, I said, Rodney.

He's like, yeah, it's my mom.

He goes, hey, mom.

And you just stand there.

Yeah.

My mom's like,

crazy, right?

And he meant to.

He meant to look at me like, how's mom doing?

I'm like, great.

And she's like,

your thing is hanging.

In our dressing room at the club, his wife donated his notes from an appearance on this night show.

So it's his handwritten notes, and they're all framed with a photo.

Oh, is that Rodney?

Yeah.

It's pretty cool.

One of the things I loved about him, man, is that he introduced the world to a lot of other great comics.

He introduced the world to Kinnison,

Hicks,

Robert Schimmel, Don Myrera, Jerry Seinfeld.

A lot of comics did.

A lot of comics did those HBO young comedian specials.

Well, that's what you're doing as well.

And Tony is doing that because you give all the comics time on your show, which most shows don't have that anymore, right?

The late shows don't do that.

But comics that have podcasts all do this.

But you made a lot of people have podcasts now.

You're a powerful person behind that.

Listen, giving people

a picture.

I'm giving people the platform.

Like, fucking, I'm on.

Oh, you got me on here.

You know,

other shows, like the late night shows, don't have comics anymore.

They don't.

Well, that's

silly.

But also, they're just hampered anyway.

They have a book to promote.

it the whole show was a it's not not to knock late night shows because some of them are fun to watch but it's basically it's publicity for a bunch of stuff right it's like someone's coming on to promote an album someone's coming on to promote a movie nothing wrong with that right but the problem is it's not what the host is interested in right and to i think the the way that those shows are you're handicapped in a way where you have to get on the famous people you have to get on the rock star you have to you can't just have weird people come on you can't have some guy who work for the cia CIA come on and tell you about aliens.

This is what I know so far.

But that would be the whatever guest, like the third middle guest.

You can do that, though.

You can't do it.

First of all, you only have 10 minutes.

Each guest is like in and out real quick.

You have barely enough time to scratch a surface of like one or two stories.

You don't get it.

Well, I guess what I used to do it, I used to, I do it.

I did it.

I don't know how many times I did this tonight, but

I never was promoting anything.

In fact, the only time I had something to actually promote, they didn't want to put me on.

I said, I'm trying to promote chairman of the board, this movie.

And they're like, nah, but that's hilarious.

Yeah.

The one time you wanted to have a movie.

I really did.

No, I did.

I have this movie coming out.

Yeah, I remember that movie.

Yeah.

They're like, nah, I'm like, I'm

a movie, Jay.

I got a, you know, I got it.

I'm in a movie.

Now, the weirdest one, I'm going to ask you, I was going to reverse this to you.

Who's the strangest, you said strange guest, made me think of this, that you've had to do in front of,

I'll tell you mine real quick.

So I was on the tonight show, and Dick Cheney was on.

Oh,

and I mean, I'm nothing against, I mean, it's just a chene show.

Well, I had five,

maybe six props, Dick Cheney props, on purpose, right?

Because Dick Cheney was there.

No.

I had like three just because I'm topical all the time in the show.

I already have them in my show, but then when they said, Dick, you're going to be on with Dick Cheney, I said, oh, shit, can I do it?

And so I started writing more.

So I had like six, and I opened with them, right?

But the weird part was I get there and we're rehearsal.

Secret Service, everybody's there.

I can't get to my own room.

Princess guys that you can't go by again.

So

I finally rehearsed it,

and they're like,

the people are like, you know, he's going to be a guest.

I said, well, no, it's just why I'm doing it, right?

And they're like, Jay's like, you know, I don't know.

I said, well,

you know, it's very topical.

And I think it's funny that he's there, right?

So Jay come, this is right for the show.

He said,

is he going to stay or is he going to leave?

Because Secret Service is surrounding me, like I'm going to go grab him and go.

And Jay's like, well, I don't know.

I mean, I can ask him.

And I'm thinking, well,

just between you and me, I mean, this is like behind the curtain.

Right.

What do you think?

Is it better if he's there?

and I do it and I keep cutting over to him or if he's gone and I do it and I keep looking like thank God he's gone what's funnier and he's like

I don't know I mean I if you're fine I said, I think if he could stay, it would be better.

Because it's really funny.

I'm doing it right in front of the fucking guy.

Right.

So they said, okay.

So they go back.

He talks.

He goes back.

He says, okay, he's thing.

So he goes back to the desk and they're laying in the please block him in a phone and the though camera top.

And I came out.

Straight impression.

Yeah.

A good, good friend of the though.

Wacky guy from Vanguard.

And so I walk out and I go right off.

I said, I look over.

I said, hey,

I said, funny that you're here.

And I pull out, you you probably can find this.

We pull it out, and I have a Dick Cheney gun, and it's a rifle with the

thing goes this way, because he shot the guy in the head.

And I mean, it's already like, holy fuck, right?

And they're like, I found your gun.

Oh, sorry, Bill.

And it's like,

it didn't, the crowd didn't know at first because they're all looking at him.

They're looking at him.

Yeah.

And he's got that, you know.

Just

pissed, right?

So

I go, right.

And I do another one.

I had an operation game you know the operation it had his his face on it because he's always getting operation

I had a book where the thing it was just like five or six dick cheney jokes finally I keep looking over I'm like you know we're good you're not gonna have me you're not gonna have me audited or I'm gonna be killed here and you know Jay's now the crowd's really getting and now the chene's look at me like how many more fucking he even says how many more do we I said I got one more and then we'll move on so I do one more cheney joke now he's kind of he's kind of laughing, but still kind of like, this is aggravating.

Then I go and I do

a piggy bank for gay guys, and it's a piggy bank where the slot is in the asshole instead of the top of the thing, right?

It's a great prop.

Hey, it's a piggy bank for gay guys.

Murders.

I mean, I did a great,

great set.

I get done.

I walk over, I sit down.

And there's something going on.

Like

there's a ruckus.

There's like Secret Service, something going on, the writers, the producers, and Jay gets up and he leaves, and I'm just sitting there with Dick Cheney.

And the lady comes over and she goes, Oh my God,

that was the best set you've ever done.

I said, Thank you, Tracy.

And she said,

I look over and said, Thank you for being a good sport.

Yeah, it was, where do you find all this stuff?

I said, No, I make it.

He thought I'd found it all.

I said, No, I make where do you find all this stuff?

I said, I made it.

You made that.

It's pretty clever.

His daughter is

there.

And apparently, all those Dick Cheney jokes were fine, but when I did the gay piggy bank, she lost her mind like you can't do that?

No, I don't know.

Lost her mind, like

really mad that I did a gay piggy bank joke on the show.

Forget, I just did five jokes about her father.

So everyone was taking her out of the studio.

She was losing her, she was screaming.

So they took her out of the studio.

Is this the gay piggy bank?

That's it?

Yeah.

It was like, I can't believe that you

in front of my father.

And I thought you were making fun of me because I'm doing a dick chene.

You know, I shot your dad, Joe.

The gay piggy bank is what set up?

It was the gay piggy bank.

Is this Liz Cheney?

I think.

I don't think it's one of the daughters.

I don't know.

How many daughters do you have?

I don't know.

That's why I think it might have been Liz Cheney.

How many?

Just two.

One of the daughters.

Let's just say one of them.

One of the daughters.

I don't think it was.

Allegedly.

Allegedly imposter.

It could have been an imposter.

It was a crazy person pretending to be one of the daughters.

Dick Cheney's daughter Liz are both staunchly against Donald Trump despite being Republicans, but why are Liz and Mary once feuding over same-sex marriage?

How are they feuding over that?

Let's find out.

What's that?

I just was trying to add.

When was this?

I don't know.

I know you're trying to add, but now I'm curious.

This article is from a year ago.

What?

A year ago, someone's upset about same-sex marriage?

What are they saying?

Well, this I mean, the election i had i had another prop that i thought hold on what is what the election was a year ago so it wasn't it was had to do with that that's why they mentioned donald trump and that right well what is uh what is the same-sex marriage dispute between i don't know because i need i need to know yeah yeah

some people are still arguing about that in 2025

okay and they believe in same-sex marriage the other one doesn't well it'd be funny if it was the other way around and gay was like i want it to be illegal

i don't know which one we don't know i don't know which daughter was i don't i don't either i'm assuming assuming it was probably the one that was gay, maybe then.

Maybe it's

a lot of two daughters just hating on each other.

Well, I don't think you should get married.

I had another one that was kind of strange because it was a dumb joke.

Maybe you think of you said same-sex marriage.

So right when gay marriage became legal in certain states, there was like four states, I had a big map, a big map that I would hold up.

And I'd say, hey, gay marriage is now legal.

And this is a map to show people.

And it would have these, right where the states were, there were these little penises on springs whatever and it was it was so it was just dumb right

so I rehearse it and

the crew is fucking going crazy they're like ah this guy fucking dildos and you know you can't do a dildos on NBC and so the lady comes over and she goes

you can't I said I know I d I

I mean I think it's silly enough you know they're not they're just on springs and she she's I would always fight with her she said no so I said

all right if I come up with a different idea without dicks on it can I do it she's like yeah so I thought

I don't know I'll do I'll just I took the springs off and I had the the

guys back there at the tonight show print out Ryan Seacrest faces you know like four of them right and I put them road the gay marriages now

Ryan Seacrest is a good friend of mine and and everyone was making fun of him right back then oh he's gay and it's freaking not clearly but the joke would be and it killed right

so i i come back and i go how about this and she's like oh my god that's i said i know him he's not gonna he'll he'll probably text me and say why would you do that

jay comes over and goes oh you know he's really a good friend of mine i said no jay i said he's a friend of mine too he's it's funny it's not it's not anything he's like yeah if you if you if you if you really if you couldn't just that dude does not do that

is he no no and but Jay was very protective of it.

I said, no, he said, no, you know, he's the NBC, my friend.

I don't think it's nothing.

I said, well, yeah.

I can put like, you want me to put like,

like I said, like,

Richard Nixon dicks or something?

He's like, no, just get rid of that.

Just get rid of the junk.

I said, it's funny.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Or fighting over Ryan Crease.

That's the problem with, you know, having editorial access to someone's act when they're doing a tonight show set.

It should be like, no.

It should be like, look, if you want fucking the black crows to play, they sing their song.

You know what the song is, you know what the lyrics are, that's fine.

But with a comic,

you can't tell them they can't do something.

Well, they

dance nicely.

And, of course,

I had 40 other props.

I didn't need to do that.

You're even swearing.

Like, what are you doing?

You're being silly.

It's silly.

Like, come on.

I did break the law with them once.

What'd you do?

I was doing

a podium for Bill Clinton.

And

it was the closing bit, and I would do the stupid voice tune, like I did not.

And there was this presidential seal on this podium, and it had a true-false buzzer button.

It would go bing, ding,

and it would be, it was just so stupid.

You know, like, I did not have, and you hit the button, I did not have,

I will not raise to e.

And then, you know, I fucked her ding, ding, ding, something.

I forget the joke now, but the

closing punch of the whole thing was right after I'm doing the podium, that would kill.

I could just stop on that.

I had a foot pedal where Monet Gwinski's head would come up

on a beret.

Literally, this is great.

It took hard, took engineering to do this.

And so I'd go, I did not.

And then I hit the foot pedal and the woman, the beret would come up, and I'd go, not now.

That's all.

It's just not now.

In the rehearsal, it was just, it was the,

they were like, that's the best thing you've ever brought here.

You, my God.

And I said, yeah, great.

Here comes my lady with her new pad.

And I said, oh, fuck.

She goes, everything

is good.

Standards in practice.

I said, oh, and I give her a hug.

I said, this is the first time I've come and everything got approved.

And she says, yeah.

I went back to my dressing room.

I'm like, I can't believe I get to do this.

That's my closing bed.

It's going to kill.

Right before.

I'm talking a minute before I come in.

She walks in.

She's like, okay,

you can do the podium, but

you can't put her head down.

And I said,

you can't use your hand to force her head down.

That's just, that can't, that can't, it can come up.

You just can't force it down.

I run to the prop department.

I said, is there a way you can, because I had made it.

They don't know my, they're looking at it like, I don't know.

I made it.

Is there a way it can release and go down without me touching it?

And they're like, I don't know.

They looked at it, and I'm on in five minutes.

I said, fuck it.

So I do the whole thing.

I said, I did not.

And the head comes up, and I said, not now.

And I use my elbow to put it down.

And of course, the crowd, it killed.

And it would have been better if I did this.

But I said, not now.

I get done.

I come over and I can see her fucking fuming.

She comes running over me because they always come and say, what a great set.

Oh, you did so good.

Tracy Fist did.

She said, that was phenomenal.

I said, I said,

Jay's like, I'm doing a good thing.

And I said, the standard practice lady coming over, ah, fuck.

And I said, am I in trouble?

She's like,

I said, I didn't do that.

I did this.

Show's over.

Thank you tomorrow night.

And then she comes over.

Okay, if I get fired over this, I said, you're not going to get fired over this.

Oh, no, they've already bleeped it out on the West Coast, East Coast.

It went live.

I said, bleep out what?

You can't force her head.

I said, I didn't force it.

I didn't use my hand.

I used my elbow.

She just looked at me like, you fucking, like, so clever.

I said, well, you said don't use my hand.

So everything was fine after that.

But it did get bleeped out.

And

it just, it went, you know, fucked the joke up because they went, I did not.

And then,

you know, the West Coast.

They edited it right to just good night.

Like, there wasn't a punchline.

Yeah.

Well.

You ever get in trouble for something?

Not like that, no.

This is when I got in trouble.

I got banned from Fox,

I think, for life, for this.

For something else?

This is really weird.

Yeah.

I was doing the country, no, Billboard Music Awards, and they asked me to do

a little bit with Chris Rock.

It's Chris Rock and me, and

it was such great

together because he's like, you know, top, you know, and then I'm out there stupid.

But Chris Rock is, you know.

So he and I go out, we do our rehearsal, and I had like four props

or something.

And the guy came over like in a panic, right?

Middle of the show.

It's already happened.

Our bits coming up in about 40 minutes.

He says, I need you guys to go longer.

And Chris Drock's like,

what do you want?

He said, just come up with something.

And I said, well, I can go,

I can have my guy go back to the MGM and grab a few more props.

That'd be awesome.

Chris was like, yeah, perfect.

You know, we'll kill the time without having to change too much.

And I can just pull out more shit.

I go and I tell my guy, go get TV clean, get, get like this, get the thing, the towel with the misspelled thing, and then the one of the seat, the toilet seats.

So I added, it was a, it was a, it was a, and it was a great joke.

It was a toilet seat with a seat belt.

So when you need a Taco Bell, right, you sit on it, and I put it on, and I'd, and the sound, the sound effect in the show would say, Houston, we have a problem.

And it would, it's a great, stupid little bit.

But there's about 20 toilet seats leading up to that one.

I was like, I'm not kidding.

I had like 30 toilet seats.

I had one that holds women's hair when they throw up.

I had one that lights up.

I had one with spikes on it.

It was so many.

So the last one was the seatbelt, right?

So it's very clean, right?

It does great.

We walk back, and I'm thinking they're going to come high-five me because we just saved the show.

We added, you know, we added time they needed.

The guy's like,

they banned me because I said Taco Bell because it was sponsored by Taco Bell.

How the fuck am I supposed to know it's sponsored by Taco Bell?

That's real shit.

Yeah.

Dude, that's funny.

I'm like, well, I didn't say fuck.

They said, no, you said Taco Bell.

I'm like, oh my God.

How do I get fined for that?

You're banned for life.

That's hilarious, dude.

Because I said Taco Bell.

I didn't know.

I mean, I'm not the guy.

They should have come to me and said, don't do anything with Taco Bell in this.

100%.

That's not on you.

That's a normal reference for a college.

No.

That's funny.

Yeah.

Not funny, really.

I mean, funny now.

They would have been pumped if you said Del Taco.

All right.

Yeah.

Now, see, if they told me that, I would have.

Yeah.

Easy.

I would have done that.

Hey, brother, this was a lot of fun.

Thank you for doing this.

It was a lot of fun.

And I'm looking forward to seeing you on Kiltoni.

And anybody who wants to check them out, Carrotop is at the Luxor in Las Vegas, Nevada on a regular basis.

What's the best way to find out when you're doing that?

Just text me, yeah.

Yeah, Las Vegas, I mean, caratop.com or Las Vegas.

All right, my man.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That was a lot of fun.

All right, bye, everybody.