#2380 - Jordan Jensen

Joe Rogan podcast, check it out!

The Joe Rogan experience.

Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

Hello,

what's up?

Oh, good.

I got my legal pad here.

Yeah, in case you need to write notes.

I'm going to take notes on what you're doing right and wrong, and I'll give them to you at the end.

Tell me.

Okay, so I can figure out what the wrong stuff is.

Stop doing it.

I want to to fuck with all this stuff.

I know.

There's so much shit.

People keep giving me new shit.

I know.

I brought a little tiny figurine of a little thing on stage one time, and every single meet and greet people give me these little tiny animals.

So now I have this giant collection of them.

And I'm like, I don't like these that much.

That's the problem.

It's like everybody knows that I keep a bunch of shit on this desk.

So people give me shit to put on this desk.

And now it's getting kind of crazy.

Where I'm going to have to have a shelf.

I had to get a shelf.

I got one of those old typewriter keyboard things.

Look, I have like mammoth teeth.

This is a piece of art.

It was somewhat

out of a woolly mammoth tooth.

Oh, that's a don't blow it.

I won't.

I got one of these.

A Mayan Death Whistle.

Yeah, Brian Aztec.

Aztec death whistle.

Brian Callan blew one right before COVID hit.

I'm not saying he caused it.

Oh.

But there's a lot of videos saying he caused it.

I get it.

I get it.

That would be a death whistle.

I think it was technically, I think when he blew it, it had already like caught on in China.

Yeah.

Unless we're in a simulation.

Right.

You're the COVID guy.

I was listening to your podcast with

what's the woman who got falsely accused?

Of what?

Of murdering her roommate.

Oh.

I was listening to that one, and I like fast-forwarded it one moment, and it went from her being like, and then I was in prison for four years to you being like, well, the bat's been COVID.

And I was like,

how do we get here?

Yeah, that was a fascinating podcast.

Amanda Knox.

She's got a Netflix series out right now where someone plays her, which has got to be super fucking weird.

Yeah.

Like someone else plays her in like a dramatization of her getting wrongly accused at 20 years old of a murder, where they had all this evidence that this guy who broke into the house fucking murdered her.

His like DNA was there.

And they ignored it because they didn't want to admit that they were wrong.

It's on Hulu.

Hulu, sorry.

I don't really get how that happens.

The tale of Amanda.

Because cops are cunts.

Right, but just like people.

Not all of them.

Did they not see sperm everywhere?

Oh, no.

The guy was like, I fucked her.

No, I don't know what he said.

I don't know what happened, but I know that they started, they had a narrative.

Oh, that he was in on it.

No, no, no.

They had a narrative that she did it, that she caused the murder.

Right.

The guy started with that, and he stuck with it.

And even when there was evidence, it showed that there was a guy in there, and then the guy did it, and then the window was broken, and somebody broke out of the house.

And then eventually he came came forward and was like this has nothing to do with her the guy who did do it well i don't think he eventually ever did anything no like she actually had a meeting with him which is crazy like after the fact and like forgave him

but i'm a white girl

she got tried twice twice i know the supreme court no no no she went she got acquitted like she got released right and then they retried her in absentia so she was in america while they were trying her in italy again and then they said she's fine yeah yeah which is fucking crazy like hey

give her some fucking money also the guy raffaella was in solitary for six months i know i can't fathom that yeah the six months in solitude is so crazy to me one day in solitude and i'm done well i talked to a guy uh

that had been in solitary for years What does that mean?

Like, you get, you shit and piss in there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, you get no contact.

No contact.

It must be scrambly after that 100

i feel like they yeah it's got to do some sort of weird brain damage thing where they come out actually this guy shaka that we have on the podcast he's great was he normal yeah well beyond like super smart he wrote in there educated himself in there too oh you can read books you can read in there yeah you can read that's good yeah i mean they don't just give you nothing to but they you do go crazy you go crazy human beings need human contact well it's like when you don't do anything all day and then you get right up on stage stage.

Have you ever done that?

Where you don't talk to anybody and you feel insane?

Yeah.

The worst first conversation of the day.

That's crazy.

Yeah, that's why I always bring friends on the road.

You don't want to be like that weirdo in the hotel room by yourself.

Yeah, and then you take a nap and the sun goes down while you're napping.

That's the worst feeling.

When I do that, it feels like I'm haunting the audience.

Like I'm like, you guys are in a different reality and I'm intruding.

on where you're at.

The weird one is when you wake up and you don't know what city you're in.

Yeah, but that's why I got the dog.

I was so sick of that feeling.

I was so sick of waking up and being like, I've been abducted.

Where am I?

This place is nicer than my apartment, so that's good.

But where am I?

And then I saw my dog and I was like, oh, we're all right.

That's not the only reason why you got your dog.

Yeah, and she rolls.

Yeah.

And she's awesome.

She's really sweet.

She's very cool.

She's so cute.

How long have you had her?

Two years.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah.

Was she full grown when you got her?

Tiny.

Because I wanted to adopt the mom.

Oh, who, but they were like, hey, the mom just had all this.

We didn't know she was pregnant.

She has had a litter of puppies.

Will you take one of these?

And I was like, okay.

And I had no idea how hard it is to have a puppy.

I've had dogs where you adopt them full-grown, and it was great.

I had this dog named Lucy.

She was awesome.

She was so sweet.

And then I had another dog named Squeaky From that was a real nightmare.

Yeah.

She was real.

Maybe it was because I named her Squeaky From after one of the Manson family members.

Oh, yeah, that'll happen.

She had a squeaky voice.

She had been barking so much in the pound that when I got her out of the pound, like her voice was like,

and then eventually it got normal again because she didn't have to bark 24 hours a day.

She just had worn out, she had worn out vocal cords.

She had a totally normal bark, but I was like, oh my God, her bark is like a broken.

She's a smoker, yeah.

Yeah, it was like that.

That's awesome.

Like she was hoarse.

Yeah, you don't know what you're going to get.

I mean, when I got a rescue, I was like, I'm going to get a small rescue.

So I hope it'll be fine.

But it was such a gamble.

Everybody's like, do not do this.

Yeah, we had a Doberman once that was a rescue that we had to get rid of.

He had distemper, and he got really crazy, like in that, like growling at us and and barking at us out of nowhere and i was a little kid oh you really was like yo we got rid of him we had a dog that would that ate the foot off of

my we had a pit bull that was a rescue and my mom had this like woman move in with us who she was dating and her kids moved in too

and my pit bull ate the foot off of the wife's cat oh my god the woman's cat oh my god and the woman was like hey you gotta like choose between me or this pit bull my mom was like yeah get your cripple cat out of here.

And we kept

our dog.

She didn't give a fuck.

She was so attached to that dog.

That dog, the amount of times we just like kill.

My friend was in the backyard.

The dog kills a cat.

And my friend's freaking out.

She's like, we have to find the owner.

And my mom was like, you will stay quiet.

It was crazy.

It was nuts.

She was obsessed with that dog.

That's the only time I've seen her like really cry is when a dog dies.

Yeah, it's hard.

They don't live long enough.

I can't.

They're your best friends.

Yeah.

I have a dog named Marshall.

He's golden retriever.

He's the best, and he's nine now.

He'll be nine in a couple of months.

And it's just like, oh, no.

I've had him since he was a baby.

Now he's nine.

I'm like, he's only got a few years left.

And he's so active.

He's super healthy.

Eats great.

He's fit.

Is he the retriever?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

But small dogs live for it.

They get to be like 12, and that's kind of it.

13, maybe 14, and then they're really hurting it's fucked it's fucked

apparently there's a drug that they've developed for for dogs like a longevity drug i don't know if they've released it yet but uh i know that it shows promise and it's it extends dogs lifetime whitney cummings the other day said that her friend her friend's like soul dog died the other day and she said when the dog dies you like learn something about yourself that's very important so i've been holding on to that kind of woo-woo thing like she's like you kind of show up for yourself in a way you need to.

I don't know if I'd listen to Whitney.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She does.

He gets a little woo-woo.

I like how Whitney has something to say about everything, though.

Rapomycin.

Rap him on ice.

Take him off.

I've heard of rapomycin before because rapamycin is something that Peter Atiya is a big proponent of for longevity.

The guy who wants to live forever?

No, no, that's Brian Johnson.

Another study at Texas A ⁇ M University showed rapomycin could extend the lifespan of older dogs by up to 20%.

Generally well tolerated, however, it can cause side effects such as lethargy, lack of appetite.

Oh, boy.

No, you can't.

Interesting.

Is that it?

Because I think there was something else.

It was like a gene therapy.

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What happened to the cloning thing?

What happened to Crisper?

They probably already made clones.

But why did we not hear about that?

Weren't they cloning sheep and shit?

Yep.

And then we just stopped hearing about it?

Yeah, they probably made a bunch of people already.

Yeah, what are they doing?

People telling you about clones are probably clones.

You ever see a person that looks exactly like another person and then you ask them their name and it's the same name?

And you're like, no fucking way.

You know the story about those two baseball players?

No.

Oh, it's the nuttiest shit of all time.

These two baseball players look exactly the same, have the exact same name, and never met each other, and they both play baseball.

Let me see them.

Oh, it's bananas.

These two guys.

Oh, my God.

What in the fuck?

Different parents.

Why are they wearing the same classes?

And their name is Brady Feigel, right?

So it's not even like a normal name.

Yeah, and they both got the same injury.

That's how they found out they were going to the same doctor.

Just imagine your name is Brady Feigel, and you meet another guy who's also Brady Feigel.

You're both six foot four.

You both have red hair.

They're both really tall.

You both have black glasses.

You both have the fucking same crazy name.

That name is nuts.

Maryland and Missouri is not far enough away.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

I think they also, once they found this out, they didn't immediately go meet each other.

They waited like two or three years, maybe, I think.

Oh, if the guy played baseball and I played baseball, I'd be like, bro, we got to hang out and freak people out.

They're different ages.

I caught their same age.

Oh, how old?

32 and 27.

Interesting.

The first guy must be really pissed.

This motherfucker's stealing my shine.

That's bizarre.

Yeah, but I just remember hearing so much about cloning.

Yeah.

And And then it just stopped.

Well, they do with dogs, they do it with people's pets.

Like, if you want to get your pet cloned, you can get your pet cloned.

That's a real thing.

But what do you think?

You think it costs $30,000?

But then they're cloned at the same age.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They're a puppy.

Nice.

Yeah.

You get to start from scratch.

Yeah, otherwise you'd have like an 11-year-old.

You keep bringing back.

That'd be so mean.

That'd be so mean.

He's got arthritis and diarrhea.

He's let me die for the love of God.

You waited too long to clone him.

That's, dude, bring it back as a puppy, though.

We could do that.

Did you see that movie with Demi Moore called The Substance?

Okay, I Fainted in the Theater.

Bro.

I fainted so hard.

Bro, that movie is nuts.

It's nuts.

I'm actually very pro that movie.

Like, I love the narrative.

Oh, it was great.

I love the idea of that when you get all that face shit, you're just keeping an old person alive.

I've tried to describe that on stage so much where I'm like, doesn't it bother you that when people people are like, you look good for your age, you're just like hide it, like you're concealing your death there?

You know what I mean?

And that movie portrayed that perfectly where it's just a fucking it's kind of ironic that Demi Moore, who looks insanely good at 62, played that lady.

Yeah.

You know, because like, but I liked that because it showed like, even when you saw her weird old lady butt, you were like, that's Demi Moore's nice butt, but I'm still like in awe of the young girl's butt, which is unacceptable.

It's unacceptable.

You know what I mean?

Like when she was doing the whole dance, and you're like, why is this so intense?

And you're like, because it's a young person.

Right.

I think that, did that director do no, that director didn't do raw, but it was a female director.

I don't know what else this director did, but that movie was awesome.

I hit the deck, though.

I tried, I faint so easily.

Do you really?

Dude, I just blood and stuff.

I faint, and I muscled through the gory part, and I was like, I'm fucking good.

Like, I can't, I've cured it.

And then the music, it's like when a movie starts going like, ha

like that, like on both sides.

I'm

like a goat, dude.

I got to the bathroom and I passed out.

I'm in New York, just on the ground, fainted.

People are walking over my body.

They're like a homeless person.

That's hilarious.

I was fucked.

That's so funny.

I used to date a girl that when if someone got a needle on the screen, she'd faint.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just like it didn't matter where she was.

If someone got injected, I'm like,

it's so bad.

Her dad had it.

My dad has it.

Yeah.

Her dad was a dentist.

Which is crazy.

the dentist makes me faint.

When the kid, one of their uh, her brother got like crazy sunburn, like really bad, where he got blisters, the dad saw it and just fucking fainted.

Dude, it's crazy.

My sister called my dad once, and she was working on cadavers, and she was like, I'm so interested in this.

We cut into a cadaver today, and she just heard thump on the other line, and she was like, Dad, dad.

Oh, my God.

He was done, dude.

He's fainted so many times.

Yeah.

From a phone call.

From a phone call.

That's so wild.

He couldn't be in our berths or anything.

Oh, my God.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

What is that?

It's called vasovagal.

Okay, but is that a psychological thing?

Because it's obviously like your reaction to a thing.

Like, I wonder if you can temper that somehow.

Here's the problem with it is why I don't.

I used to think it was psychological.

Like me and my dad pictured things too well.

Like we pictured it, the needle going in.

But vasovagal, like, sometimes I'll be putting an earring in.

You just faint?

Yeah.

Like,

swear to it everywhere so you don't bounce your head off the fucking linoleum so fucked up so I think it is

neurological well I bet but also triggered by high states of anxiety right yeah yeah so that's what you would be able to control you wouldn't be able to control the fact that you do faint when you have a high level of anxiety so uh vasovagal response sudden overreaction of the body's autonomic nervous system to a trigger such as pain or emotional stress uh or music that causes a temporary drop in heart rate and blood pressure.

There's a whole part of my special where I talk about me and this guy who was also a fainter having sex.

Oh my God.

And you both fainted?

A lot.

Nice.

Yeah.

It's hot.

Yeah.

It was rough.

It was rough.

Because when you faint, it comes with sweating and seeing white, like it's brutal.

And you probably hope the man doesn't faint.

Like he can keep it together.

Yeah.

That would be like a nice thing.

Yeah, totally.

Right.

Like a nice train.

He could faint on command.

He could think it's only only a faint.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Yeah.

That's hilarious.

I wonder what would happen if a guy like that had got drafted in Vietnam.

Done.

That would have gotten faint shot.

Yeah.

That's it.

Yeah.

My dad had a heart attack once and fainted.

And I saw him in the hospital.

I was like, what happened?

The heart attack fucked up your face.

And he was like, I fainted on a fence.

And I was like, that's crazy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, he fainted so much.

And he was a contractor, so he would always have cuts and stuff and be like, no, be out.

It was crazy.

Nuts.

Yeah, he jigsawed through his nose one time.

Yeah.

Because he fainted?

No, but then he fainted.

He like pulled the cord and then it cut through his nose and then he faints.

It's crazy.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I would wear a helmet everywhere if I was that dude.

Yeah.

I just wear a football helmet.

Just like I'm a fan.

That's what we have to worry about all the time.

Like if I cut myself, it's not about the cut.

Like the stitches are not.

It's that I'm about to hit the deck.

It's crazy.

It's so fucked up.

Have you ever fainted right before you you went on stage?

Because I would think that's like a heightened state of anxiety a little bit, especially in the early days.

I've panicked.

Well, another problem is I get when I panic when I have really bad intrusive thoughts.

Like I was around a famous person recently and I was convinced I was going to bite her.

I started getting a full panic, which makes you want to faint.

But

it's a different thing.

But both lead to fainting.

I knew a dude who was a warm-up guy.

You know, he'd just do warm-up and he had a real problem with anxiety.

He just would freak out.

And he was a comic, and it never worked out for him because his anxiety would just overwhelm him.

And one time, he was warming up for the Cosby show, and he got this idea in his head that he was going to say the N-word.

Of course.

And he's like, don't say it.

Of course.

Don't say it.

Oh, the Cosby Show.

Yeah.

So he's warming up for the Cosby Show.

So he's, you know, basically in the crowd warming up.

Okay, so here in the next scene, Dr.

Huxtable is going to come in.

And all his mind is telling him is, don't say the N-word.

He was not going to say it.

He was never going to say it.

But for whatever reason, he was overwhelmed by this fear of saying the N-word in this, like, very, you know, predominantly black audience.

And he completely had a meltdown while he was doing warm-up.

Where he was panicking.

Full panic.

With my special tape ping, I thought I was going to hit somebody with a stool.

Mine is violence.

I think I'm going to bite.

I think I'm going to, yeah, totally.

Or on airplanes, I'm worried I'm going to pull the exit thing off all the time.

Mine is very violent.

Or the person next to me, I'm going to bite down on.

That's probably a better response than like shrieking and

falling to the ground.

I know, but I was the

famous woman.

I was like, I don't want to be the biter.

But you wouldn't bite her.

And then I know, but I thought, but I had so long to obsess about it.

Can you tell me who it is?

It was Laura Dern.

Really?

You thought you were going to bite Laura Dern?

Isn't she an Admiral in Star Wars?

I love her so much, but she was being so nice to me, and we were just sitting next to each other for so long.

And I was like, what if I just bit bit Laura Dern?

And my brain was like, you're not.

And I was like, but this might be the time that you do the thing.

One time I was on a chairlift and I was like, what if you jumped off?

And I obsessed so long that I just jumped off.

Whoa.

I was fine.

I landed and was fine.

But I still was like,

I did the thing.

Oh, no.

So since then, I've been like.

How far was the jump?

Not far.

Okay.

That's the other thing I have to remember is I waited for the snow to come up and meet the chairlift way closer and then jump.

So my, you want it.

Smart.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're not crazy.

You're not crazy.

Just like a little thrill.

Just a little bitty thrill.

Totally.

Like biting or daring.

Think about biting.

She was so nibble.

She was a nibble earload.

She was so Hollywood, you know?

And I was like, oh, I could really.

Her skin was Hollywood.

Just so pure, so nuts.

Interesting.

I got bug bites all over her.

I accidentally sat next to Daryl Hannah once at Cantor's Deli in the 90s.

Okay.

And they were doing some fucking game.

They were playing some game.

Her and her friends were playing some game with like states, like figure out like what, you know, what's the keystone state, like that kind of shit.

Yeah, and I was helping her, but she was totally normal.

Like, it was, we never acknowledged that she's Daryl Hannah at Cantor's Deli, playing a game, she's just like super chill.

That's so nice, yeah.

Her and her friends are having a sandwich, just laughing, and doing some game about states.

They're normal as hell.

Matt Damon was at the cellar recently, and I couldn't, I was so fucked up at how

I don't know how it was fucking me up so much.

I do too many, I microdo see my watch, but I was like, his arms and hands are so matt damon's arms and hands like i knew them so well and he was like gesticulating and i was like i know those freaking arms it was crazy from movies yeah like just moving it's weird to know somebody so well and never have spoken to them it's hysterical that is odd yeah

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I met Matt Damon in Italy at a restaurant where he was sitting underneath a photo of himself.

That's weird.

Did he choose to sit there?

No, no, no.

The restaurant owner had him there before.

It was a nice table, and there's photos all over the wall of celebrities that had been there before.

And so Matt Damon went and sat down at the table where the photo of this owner, you know, taking a picture with Matt Damon is.

That's some meta shit.

That's crazy.

He seems really sweet.

He's a very nice guy.

Super normal guy.

There's a lot of them that are like super normal.

The funny thing is.

But she used to always hold this thing.

Like, I doubt fucking crazy people.

There's always like a thing in your head.

You're like, they got to be out of their fucking mind.

Totally.

Yeah.

What's the guy's name?

Peter Dinklage.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Came into the cellar and

threw a chicken wing wing at my friend's chest, just like out of nowhere.

Somebody introduced him, like Gillis or somebody, maybe it was Schultz, who was like, oh, this is so-and-so.

He's a good comic.

And he threw a chicken wing at him.

And I was like, that's the most Peter Dinkledge, like just basically being a little Renaissance man throwing like his size turkey leg is crazy.

It's crazy.

A little Renaissance just being like, away, Jessica.

I was like, that's too on the nose.

It's crazy.

Problem is, I knew him first from Elf.

Oh, yeah.

You know, so even though he's the Game of Thrones guy, to me, he's always the angry writer from ELF.

I know him from the guy

Four Weddings and a Funeral or Wedding at a Funeral.

I never saw that.

I heard it was really good.

It was really good.

I heard it's really good.

Never saw it.

Crazy funny.

Yeah.

That guy's great.

He was so good in Game of Thrones.

It was so good.

That was a complicated role.

Yeah.

Complicated.

That fucking show was so good.

The new one, I'm trying to get into it, but like every season is five years apart apart from the last one.

You have to figure out who is who is this lady?

Dude, Game of Thrones won.

I had to, I was like asking a thousand people.

I was like, I don't understand which place is which.

I had to like map it out.

I could not figure it out, but it's so good.

It opened up with the brother and sister.

Fucking.

That was so sick.

I was making a cripple out of the other brother.

Yeah, it was crazy.

Nuts.

And the just full-on rape

of the Daenerys girl.

They cut the fucking head off the king.

You're like, no.

Yeah.

He's crazy.

He's the best.

He's the best.

He's the king.

They did a great job.

Oh, that fucking show ruled.

It was such a good show.

Season one was, I mean, I mean, not season one, the real Game of Thrones.

The new one's like, yeah,

it's good.

But, you know, you're always

Jay Leno after Johnny Carson.

Yeah.

It's like.

Totally.

You get attached to it.

There's a thing.

You're just like, oh.

I don't remember the last season.

Oh, the last season was weird where Cersei rules.

I was in Croatia, and there's the place where they, where King's Landing is yeah like that's where they filmed it oh that's awesome and they they like sort of do tours where they show you where they film certain scenes yeah and one of the scenes is when she was shame shame she's walking on and like they the little cobblestone that's pretty that's right there yeah you could actually see it that's really cool it's pretty cool yeah they filmed a lot of people do those shame things on Twitter we do the shame shame

I just went through a horrible Twitter thing last night oh no dude I got dragged

you can't read that.

I did.

Dude, it was a fan hit me up and goes, don't go on Twitter.

And I went on Twitter and it was so, this crazy out of context thing where I was like talking, I was on Stav's podcast and I was talking about how, I was talking about this guy who used the word, I'm not going to say it, T-R-A, I don't know how to spell it, N-N-Y.

Okay.

He used that word.

And I was being like, that word is so fucking antiquated that at this point to me, it sounds like somebody's just calling like a drag queen that.

And everybody took it as me saying

that trans people are in drag oh god and it like dude it was just like went at me and like the crazy thing is i thought i was being woke on that podcast i had like friends of mine being like fucked order like it was crazy of yours friend i mean friendly people like people i work with yeah those people can go eat those pylon people they can all go eat shit but that was my like first big one i've had one before but that was like those that kind of shit pushes people away from all the things you're trying to promote like it doesn't it doesn't mean that people hate trans people if they say something like that that's not what you're saying

I was saying the opposite I was being like this guy was such an asshole for using that word also that word is so corny right that I feel like at this point it's not even referenced to

to transgender people that it's like what we say for drag some people still use it totally but it's uh that's not the point the point is it's like what are are you trying to do?

You're not trying to hurt anybody's feelings.

So shut the fuck up.

Everybody's just looking for a reason to be offended.

It's just trying to find anything that they can like, green light, go.

It's no reason,

no nuance.

Yeah, of course.

It's so crazy.

Of course.

It was so, and I'm just like reading all of them.

And I was like, this is so many people that are just like, this dumb bitch.

One of them said, this is a fat retard talking to a skinny retard about me and stuff.

And I was like, oh, well, that's actually really sweet.

That's really nice.

So sweet.

You're you're skinny.

I love being skinny.

Yeah, well, this is just what's going on online.

And most of the people that are watching this area.

Oh, no, I don't have Twitter.

Oh, good.

I don't have Twitter.

I deleted it because I kept looking at my ex's tweets.

And then I was like, I'm deleting this for sobriety, you know.

And then I went on it the other day and I was like, this is a nightmare, dude.

It was crazy.

And I hit up those people who tweeted and I was like, hey, why wouldn't you just text me, man?

Like, I care about you.

You care about me.

And this was totally out of context.

If you just asked me about it, I would have showed you the whole clip, you know?

And they were like, You're right, that was crazy.

It's a mental illness factory, yeah.

It's Twitter, it's just a giant cunt farm.

Yeah, that's what it is.

It just, everybody just is growing cunty thoughts.

I just didn't know, I just am not even in there.

Yeah, it's not good.

I know, I stay off it as much as humanly possible.

I try to get on it in the morning, just see what everybody's upset about, see what's in the news, what the like

a UFO got shot with a hellfire missile, and they have footage today, and Rep Luna.

Yeah, they were talking about it in hearings today there's a video of hearings yes there's a video of a ufo getting hit by a hellfire missile and the hellfire missile just blows apart and the ufo just keeps moving what it what was the ufo what did it look like like a dot on a screen where they always look they look like shit i saw something weird coming down from the moon the other day do not know what it was look at this so watch this

so the Here's the UFO.

There's the missile.

Watch this happens.

Does it...

It just knocks it around, and then the thing just gets right back on track.

Which is bananas.

Like, anything that gets hit by a Hellfire missile usually gets fucking obliterated, especially something that's literally the size of the missile.

It's cruising.

Yeah, it's flying.

I mean, not fast enough that it could duck a missile.

So which is kind of weird that it let itself get hit.

It's hard to see even what happens.

Right.

Like, what is that little?

Right, it's animation.

What is that?

It's fucking Pong.

We're looking at Pong.

It's like an old video game, a really shitty video game.

This is why I have the hardest time getting excited about any of this stuff.

It's like, I don't know what I just saw.

You're telling me I saw a Hellfire missile hit a UFO.

It's like, you know, you're reading Morse code to me.

I don't know.

Well, AI has done that too, where now it's like, I can't even go on Instagram.

It's not even funny anymore because I don't know what's real or not.

Oh, yeah, we get caught all the time.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's always something.

There's always something that you think is real.

Like Tim Walsh with the fuck Trump shirt on dancing on the elevator.

James is like, it's fake.

I'm like, no, no, no, it's real.

I'm like, I'm just past the age bracket where I can't detect it.

It's crazy.

Well, no one can detect it anymore because, especially what looks like cell phone footage, because cell phone footage is kind of shitty already, so they just make it kind of shitty.

And you don't know.

You don't know what the fuck you're looking at.

My mom liked the photo on Facebook that a fake AI photo of me on the beach, different tattoos with a man, and she liked it.

I'm like, mom, what are you doing?

Who do you think that guy is?

You know that I'm single.

She's like, you look beautiful in it.

I'm like, it's not real.

That's not my body.

That's not the body you gave birth to.

Boomers can't handle it.

No.

They're so removed from this technology that they're living in an alternative dimension.

Yeah.

Totally.

I don't know what she does.

They get their news on TV, and that's a wrap.

Yeah.

Whatever the guy says in front of the camera.

Yeah.

That's the thing.

My mom is my news source, which is nice.

I didn't know the Epstein drawing had come out.

Oh, yeah.

So the drawing is a draw.

Was that the same as the one that had been leaked before?

Is it different?

I'm pretty sure that leaked one was someone took the description, put it in AI.

This is the actual drawing.

Yeah, in this one, they actually got the book, and someone leaked it.

I'm going to grab it.

The drawing, I did think when I imagined it that it was going to be like a well,

I was imagining like DiCaprio drawing a French girl.

You know, and when I saw that one, I was like, God, Trump, at least make her hot.

What are you doing?

But what was the transcript he had written out?

He had it like.

This is it.

What does voiceover mean?

It's like a script.

It says,

there must be more to life than having everything.

Donald, yes, there is.

So he wrote this?

Supposedly.

It says voiceover, like he's like a movie star.

Like he's in a script.

Donald, yes, there is, but I won't tell you what it is.

Jeffrey, nor will I, since I also know what it is.

Who fucking talks like this?

Donald, we have certain things in common, Jeffrey.

Jeffrey, yes, we do.

Come to think of it.

Donald, enigmas never age.

Have you you noticed that?

Jeffrey, as a matter of fact, it was clear to me the last time I saw you.

Yeah.

A pal is a wonderful thing.

Happy birthday.

May every day be another wonderful secret.

Ooh.

And then I like how he's got the signature right where the bush is.

Yeah.

I don't think that he meant for that, though.

Oh, come on.

It made it sound like he meant for that.

I think he did.

I think he just signed it.

Maybe.

But I was imagining that.

It's kind of ironic that it's right where the Vagina is.

But I don't think

Trump likes to drink what you're into.

That's a dude.

Okay, that's a dude with womanly hips.

Yeah.

Like, look at the boobs.

They're weird.

It could be a back.

Yeah, it could be anything.

It could be a snail's smile.

I don't get why he's writing a script.

Yeah, it's very odd stuff.

It's quite strange.

But it's also like the way, like, enigmas never age.

Have you noticed that?

And, Jeffrey, as a matter of fact, it was clear to me the last time I saw you, like, if one of my friends sent me that, I'd be like, I'm getting a new number.

Yeah.

Happy number.

Why didn't you just write happy birthday?

Yeah, what the hell?

How the fuck is wrong with you, Enigma?

Happy birthday, Jeff.

That's all I want.

Happy birthday, Jeff.

May we hang out soon.

Well, also, like, what year was this that he wrote this?

I think it was for his 50th birthday was the word.

Oh, I'll see what year it would have been.

It wouldn't have been that long ago, but you see.

Well, it had to be because he kicked him out of Mar-a-Lago in, like, the 2000s, right?

Yeah, I think 2011, I think, is when they said that was.

That's when they kicked him out?

I think so.

I thought it was before that, because I think that's when he got arrested.

Yeah, I think it was related to that.

They kicked Epstein out.

Can I touch this?

Yeah, that is a recreation.

That's a 3D printed recreation of these very strange vases that they found in Egypt that are part of an older dynasty that are so exact.

And the way they did it is completely unknown.

That is just a piece of plastic, but that's an actual 3D recreation of the original vase.

That you think aliens did.

No, no, no, no.

I think a very complex ancient civilization that was wiped out by some sort of a cataclysmic disaster that had very sophisticated technology.

Because that was, was it diorite that that was carved out of?

Diorite, yeah.

Are you an alien guy or are you an agnostic alien guy?

I'm on the fence.

You're on the fence?

Yeah.

You were an alien guy?

I've been back and forth, off the fence, on the fence.

I've been over the other side.

I go back and forth.

I think it's highly unlikely that we're alone.

Highly unlikely.

Yeah.

And there's just too many stories of people having encounters with something for people have been writing these things down for thousands of years.

I haven't had any experience though.

Yeah.

I think if it's like a relationship, if you want it too bad, you won't get it.

Other than psychedelics.

Which makes me go.

You've seen guys?

No, I've seen stuff.

I've seen entities.

Really?

Yeah, 100%.

I've had interactions with other beings.

Tree entities or like space entities?

I've had tree entities.

Things that didn't have like a form that was solid, their form would change and morph

and they had consciousness.

But, you know, it's like, what is that?

What's really going on?

Like, are you really, are you imagining this?

Or are you tapping in?

What it feels like, but it might not be this.

What it feels like is you're tapping into another dimension and you're interacting with some disembodied souls, like disembodied consciousness that doesn't have a physical form.

That's what it feels like.

But it feels highly intelligent and very aware of what you're full of shit about,

what you're not, like what your thoughts are, whether your thoughts are positive or negative.

Like it shows you negative thoughts and positive thoughts.

Yeah, I was talking to Ari about that on his podcast about how like when I took acid, if I had a negative thought, all of the clouds would turn into skulls.

And if I had a positive thought, they'd all turn into these dancers and I could switch it.

I could just like switch and my entire visual would change with my mental.

I had a very similar experience once where when I had negative thoughts everything would go like black and pixelated and dark and then I would have a positive I would realize it like oh no no no this you're doing this and then boom it would blossom into these beautiful geometric patterns I was like oh Yeah kind of in control of how you view things which is in control of how your life works That's the one thing that psychedelics wants you to get so hard.

That's like the biggest thing.

Every time I do it, it feels like it's making fun of me.

It's like, bro, this is all you.

Like, you have control.

Yes.

You can have a bad life or a good life.

Make the fucking choice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And every time I do it, I'm like, okay, I'll remember.

And then the next day I'm like, ah, somebody said I'm fat on Twitter.

You know, it's crazy.

I just had this big revelation the other day where I was like, what if everything is all right?

Like I'm writing and then this Twitter thing happened and I'm like, I want to die.

Everybody's, and I was like, oh, yeah.

Sometimes I feel like when you have those revelations, you get a little tested.

You ever feel like that?

Like, I'll be like, when I'm things, when I'm like, okay, you know, like, I was, my head was so big about the Netflix coming out.

I dropped into the creek yesterday, do a new jokes set, bomb, just bomb the whole way through, sweating,

sweating in front of these people.

They're like, they don't know who I am.

They're just like, what are you saying?

And I was like, just trying brand new weird stuff.

Right.

Because my ego is so big that I'm like, I don't even need to workshop this shit, bitch.

And I do it it and they're just like, we don't understand you.

And I'm like, anyway, watch the special.

It's a lot better than that.

It is the most humbling thing to work on new stuff after you put out a special.

It's the most humbling.

Because you have no weapons.

And you just were doing shows where you're like, what the hell?

What about you?

Bam, tight, ready.

Totally.

Yeah.

Looking at the notepad and being like, what else?

Still nothing on there.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

It's the hardest thing is like coming up with subjects.

You know?

It's also hard when your brain is preoccupied with putting out a special, I've noticed.

Right.

You know, like, I'm like, I'm editing, I'm thinking about shit, promotion, and then I'm like, I have to, but that's why I think you have to take time.

A hundred percent.

But the rush.

People are like, aren't you so proud of yourself?

And I'm like, no, because now I'm doing bad sets.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I don't have time to be proud because I'm going up on stage and being like, throw here something I was thinking, you know, and it never.

I think that's a good thing for us.

It's a good reality check.

Yeah.

It's great.

Yeah.

Like every couple of years, you got to get smacked in the face and start from scratch again.

It's really good.

Brian Simpson did a brilliant thing.

So what Brian Simpson did is he developed two hours.

So he put out one hour, and then when he went touring afterwards, he had another hour already.

Well, I thought he asked Ari.

I thought he was like, can I put out both hours?

Can I put out all of it?

Don't do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think what he did was perfect.

When I did the half hour, I had that.

I did it.

I put a half hour out, and I was fucking cruising.

But this one,

any fat that I had, I cut and was like, I hate, you're dead to me.

Right.

So all of the stuff I liked, I put in it.

So then when I was touring, I i was like i've already decided that i hate that right i can bring it back up but i don't want to right and then you feel like you're a fraud if you do yeah yeah

and if you're not interested in the subject like if you're like it is dead to me it's over yeah you gotta let it go totally it's crazy and it's hard to be on stage and talking about what i want to talk about which is how crazy it is to be putting out a special you know what i mean but i don't want to talk do that because i i want to do evergreen material also that's like it's just not relatable not relatable but you're like, I want to tell you guys about this.

That's what's on my mind.

Especially the people that don't know who you are.

That's really not relatable.

Yeah.

Bill Burr was very inspiring because he put out that special about how he changed his mindset.

You know what I mean?

The most recent one where he was like, I'm not going to be an angry person anymore.

And that was sick because I feel like sometimes I'll be like, maybe I should have a perspective shift where I am stopping such an angry person and against humanity.

And I'm like, no, but that's not funny.

So seeing Burr do that, I'm like, oh, I could have material about how like therapy helps, you know, instead of how my therapist sucks.

You know what I mean?

Like, and that was nice to see him do that, where he was like, I'm going to stop harassing my wife.

That was the whole special.

It was like, my wife is like going to die someday and I'm making her life quite bad.

It was great.

When I was young, I had this stupid idea in my mind that you should stray away from meditation or enlightenment or anything because it would get in the way of being funny.

Yeah, totally.

It would get in the way of chaos.

I have that with relationships.

I get, I'm like, I'm going to keep this tumultuous relationship and I'm just going to keep, like, that's how I thrive.

Mining for material?

Mining for material.

Just keep myself in a state of like unknown constantly so that I feel like I'm alive.

Ooh.

Because I feel like I'll die if I have any comfort or stability.

My studio is the size of this table.

There's no reason I should live like that.

It's crazy.

There's no reason.

But I just keep myself in these little fucking stations.

Do you like living in New York like that?

I don't need to.

I can live in a bigger place in New York.

It's totally fine.

So you're doing it to yourself?

Yeah, I'm doing it to myself to be like, you have to struggle and you don't, don't, you know what I mean, get to clean your tuna cans.

You have to leave them.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

At least you know it's crazy.

Yeah, totally.

And I'm working on it.

I am working on it.

I am working on it talking to a realtor?

I'm talking to two therapists.

And yeah, that's the other thing is I'm like, I don't want to get a bigger place if I'm going to buy a place in New York.

Oh, you know what I mean?

Because eventually you're going to buy a place.

So I'm like, maybe just struggle.

But it's a weird time for the real estate market right now.

I bought a house in Ithaca.

Oh, yeah?

Upstairs.

Yeah, upstate.

Oh, you're one of them people that get to the upstate house.

Well, it's go to visit.

It's like five hours from New York.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People are like, upstate?

And I'm like, no, it's like paintball upstate, dude.

So do you take a flight or do you drive?

There's a flight from JFK now.

And you go to Ithaca and

watch TV?

I just I mainly just work on the house and work on the, you know, just do shit to get it up and running.

I don't know what I'm going to do when it's done.

So you just like being in a small town?

Well, my family's there.

Oh,

okay.

That makes sense.

Yeah, my niece is there.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Okay.

But I was like, did you just pick Ithaca?

I don't know.

No way.

No way.

My whole family's there.

And I was so sick of going home and having to stay with my mom the whole time.

Oh, that's smart.

Yeah.

She walked in on me having sex so many times.

Wow.

It's so annoying.

She's just swinging open the door.

Oh, sorry.

That's her every single time.

That's because she's deaf, so she can't hear shit.

Oh, no.

So she'll just swing it open.

Oh, oh, okay.

It's fucking crazy, dude.

and her house just has holes in it because she's a contractor so she hasn't finished it oh no so there's just like rec there'll be like a she'll just be scurrying around and be like there's a raccoon in here i'm like what

all the time dude it's crazy there's a chipmunk on my laptop i'm like get it away

bats coming in constantly dad's fainting

dad's dead now dad finally fainted his last faint oh no it was it was good he worked all day came home died it was we were happy about it really Really?

I mean, we didn't want him to die, but yeah,

he was getting to a point where we were like, he's going to have to start going to the hospital because he smokes so many cigarettes and it's so unhealthy.

And we were like, if he goes to the hospital, it's game over.

He can't be around.

He'll faint if he sees a hospital.

It's like, he knew it was happening.

He was like, I'd rather die.

Did the cigarettes get him?

Yeah, cigarettes and Dunkin' Donuts.

Love Dunkin' Donuts, Donuts.

Both of those things.

Yeah.

Very addictive.

Very addictive.

He was a heavy smoker.

That's why I want to kill Ian all the time.

Because he smokes so much?

Yeah.

And he sounds like my dad with the

where you laugh and you go, ugh,

Ian seems like he really enjoys it, though.

That's what everybody says until they're hacking up along and they have to leave a movie theater halfway through to go smoke.

How much does Ian smoke a day?

I think he's down.

I think he's down to like a pack and a half.

Oh, God.

He's getting there.

I need to get him onto Zins, but he thinks that's gay.

Zins are gay?

He thinks so.

What about all the stuff he talks about on stage?

Yeah, that he thinks is

perfectly regular and above board.

Perfectly regular and above board.

But Zins are gay.

That's so silly.

That's what a silly take.

But so many people have that.

That's like when people are like, I'm not going to enter recovery because I don't believe in God.

I'm like, you were drunk last night praying that you could fuck, you know, Sidney Sweeney.

Like, you're praying.

You're doing weird stuff.

You're delusional.

Oh, I don't want to believe in God.

That's hilarious.

People say that a lot, where they avoid AA because they don't believe in God anymore.

Yeah.

What's weird is the guy who founded AA did it.

He was an acid head.

He used acid to get off of alcohol.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he doesn't talk about that.

Yeah.

The thing is all about mushrooms to get off alcohol.

Yeah, I've heard a lot of people do that.

I use mushrooms to cure like a huge amount of OCD.

I was like OCD was dominating my life, couldn't touch anything, had to wash my hands constantly.

It was like,

and then I tripped hard and went into a room alone for six hours and was like, I will, and it was, I was tripping hard.

And I was like, I'm going to deal with this in this room and figure out what it is.

And what was it?

It was that I fundamentally don't trust myself to make the right decision.

And I realized that none of my decisions were up to me.

It was all just an amalgamation of experiences.

Because I was like, who's going to stop me from biting or hurting or doing anything?

So I was like, if I tap this, that'll stop me.

And when I faced it and asked it, it was like, you think you're going to do bad things, but you're not because

you have chosen the right path this whole way so you can trust yourself.

You know what I mean?

Like three-year-old Jordan was not outside killing a cat.

You know what I mean?

She was fucking playing, right?

Like, so every step of the way, you're building this personality that you can trust.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Because my whole thing was like, who?

How am I to know that I'm not a horrible, that I'm not going to do something horrible?

Which is a big OCD thing for people.

Wondering whether you're going to do something horrible.

Yeah, like a lot of OCD, like I know a girl who she couldn't babysit because she was like, what if I am a pedophile?

Oh, my God.

Because her OCD was so bad.

Oh, my God.

And then she was like, oh, this is OCD.

And she was treated and she was like, it's fine.

But like a lot of people, people will have babies and they'll be like, what if I freaking

spin this baby's head off?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I have that all the time, dude.

I have that.

Whenever my friends, like, hold my baby, I'm like, okay.

Oh, my God.

That's so crazy.

But you don't do shit because it's like the, it's like the ski jump thing.

You're going to.

That's interesting.

I never thought of it that way.

It's like you're not trusting yourself.

Yeah.

And I also used to be super fat.

Like, I was a fat kid.

And I think there's a part of me that's like, if you were able to do that, then you're able to do horrible things.

You know what I mean?

Because you're able to get fat?

Yeah.

Like, if you were able to binge eat like that as a kid, then you're not really to be trusted.

You know what I mean?

And I had to face all of that on this acid trip.

And I came out of it and was like, was it acid or mushrooms?

That was acid.

Okay.

Mushrooms, I micro-dose.

Acid, I don't do anymore because of how crazy that was.

But that one I did a lot and came out.

You got it.

Yeah.

Like, I got it, got the lesson.

I'm not going back to school.

Yeah, totally.

Totally.

And I still have a little bit of OCD.

I still have some things that I didn't get rid of, but for the most part, I got rid of it, which is crazy.

God, it seems debilitating.

I've met people that have it.

It's nuts.

And some people, it gets worse as their success grows, which is really crazy.

Yeah.

Like Howard Hughes type shit.

Yeah.

I loved that movie growing up because I resonated with him so much.

That's weird.

You got to stop it.

I mean, that's the thing is, if you don't get in the way of it, it just builds neuronal grooves in your brain that become so

averse to plasticity.

Like, you can't get out of them.

And that's what I remember, like, this woman being like, I want you to bring in contaminated items.

And I was like, go fuck yourself, bitch.

I was like, absolutely not.

I was like, then we'd have to burn my mother's car.

Like, there's no way.

But you do, every time something's contaminated a little bit, you have to like force yourself to do it, to touch it, or whatever your thing is.

Like contaminated food?

For me, it was contamination.

Was if some, when I was younger, I was worried that I would become

like, say you were like, I cheated on my wife last night.

And then you're like, you want to hit this vape or whatever?

I wouldn't be able to touch it because I'd be like, he does bad things.

If I hit that vape.

I'll do bad things.

Wow.

You know, so if somebody was whack, they'd be contaminated.

And I couldn't go near them.

There's something to that.

Yeah.

There's a little something to that.

There's a little wisdom behind that.

Yeah.

Because people do kind of adopt the mindset of people they're around.

I mean, that's what I've had to learn recently is I'm like, you got to cut out whack people and get that that's not OCD.

That's like healthy for you.

Yeah, whack people can ruin everything.

Yeah.

Really shitty human beings that you have kept in your life for whatever fucking weird reason, they can just derail your whole life.

The thing that sucks sucks about comedy is sometimes these people are so fucking funny.

I know.

And you have to cut out somebody who's so funny.

I know.

That sucks.

I know.

It does suck.

It does suck.

People at a desk job, I'm like, you're cutting out Brian, who's like kind of, you know, who's like just all right, who brought you a cupcake once.

I'm cutting out people who are like the only people I can say racist shit around.

You're like cutting out like a huge cord of my sense of humor.

Right.

And that, but I've had to do that recently.

Just be like, dude, I can't.

The vibe is too dark.

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It's sinister.

It is a problem.

Yeah.

There's people in your life that just, for whatever fucking reason, will never get it together.

And at a certain point in time, try to rescue a drowning person,

they'll drown you.

Yeah, totally.

They'll drown you.

It's hard to watch other people do it and not cut people out.

And you're like, that, if you could just cut.

Like, my friend's mom is just such a drain on her life.

And I'm like, you gotta just.

Did you see that fucking Netflix documentary about that little girl who was in a small town who's getting harassed by someone that turned out to be her mom?

I heard about this, but I did not see it.

Oh, I saw this on Instagram, and I thought it was not real.

It's nuts.

She was getting bullied by her mom?

Her mom

didn't have a job.

The father thought the mom had a job.

The mom was just all day trolling and fucking with her daughter for years.

And you know what the girl said at one point in time?

She's like, I miss my mom.

Because her mom was there to protect her from the bad world.

But really, the only bad world was her mom pretending to be someone else.

Wait, she said, I miss my mom.

Because she thought her mom was a sweet person that protected her, and she found out her mom was a fucking monster.

Oh, so later after she found out, she was like, I miss my mom.

Yes.

Oh, that's brutal.

Brutal.

That's like when somebody breaks up with you and you're like, I just want to talk to them about this bad breakup.

Well, that's that thing that some crazy people do.

It's Munchausen's by proxy.

So she was...

Is that Munchausen's though?

Munchausen's, I think, is when you hurt them.

You hurt them so that you could help them.

Oh, she was doing that.

She was being like,

she was the one who was trolling her own daughter.

She was someone else online attacking your own daughter, calling her a whore, calling her horrible things.

And being like, P.S., your mom's a babe.

That's crazy.

Your mom's an enigma.

Your mom's really hot.

You should go talk to her.

Your mom's an enigma.

Yeah.

I noticed your mom's an enigma.

I think you noticed that too.

So the moment I saw you, I noticed it.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

It's so crazy.

Is she in jail or something?

I don't know.

I didn't get that far.

I can't.

With the stuff like that, where people are mean to their kids, I'm like, I can't do this.

I love that shit.

I don't love it, but I fucking fall asleep to this

horrible shit.

It's hard if you love your kids.

I love my kids.

I can't.

I'd see some seeing someone being that.

It's not just, it's fucking evil beyond belief.

How old are your kids?

She torched that.

I have a 28-year-old daughter.

I have a 17 and a 15.

Wait,

if you have a 28-year-old, you were healthy.

Well, it's not not my biological.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Yeah.

So did you have any kids?

Were all your kids had after you were financially good?

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

Do you think that's the move?

I don't know.

There's something to be said for growing up poor.

Yeah.

You know, I grew up poor.

I think it's good.

I think I understand hard work.

You know, I understand what it's like to have to have a job to get stuff.

Like, you know, you want to buy a new pair of pants.

You need to get get a fucking job.

You know, you need to get a car.

Well, you have to save up.

But all those things you're describing you can do.

Growing up poor for me is like growing up watching your parents fight over who is going to pay the child support.

You know what I mean?

I think you can grow up fine

and still work.

Well, my parents didn't fight.

My stepmom and my excuse me, my stepdad and my mom have been together for a long time and they have a very good relationship.

So

that like modeled

for me when I was a when I was a kid.

My parents got split up my biological dad and my mom when I was five and my mom married my stepdad when I was like seven.

Where's your dad dad?

We don't talk.

Oh, we don't talk?

I don't know him.

Okay.

But my stepdad's a great guy.

So you have good parents?

They modeled a good relationship when I was a kid of people that don't yell at each other, don't fight, and get along.

That's nice.

They have disagreements and stuff.

Love in relationship.

Yeah, they have disagreements, but they're nice to each other, kind to each other.

And,

you know, if you see that when you're a kid, you go, oh, this is possible.

But if you see like chaos all the time and everyone's fighting and screaming and yelling at each other, you're like, keep me the fuck away from whatever this is.

Yeah.

You know, because I remember I watched my grandmother and my grandparents, my grandmother was always yelling at my grandfather.

I was like, oh, don't stay married, whatever you do.

I was like, well, when I was a little kid, I was like, you got to get out while you can.

Yeah.

I think that's why there's so many avoidant men right now is because I think there's so many of those like lazy boy dads who are like dissociated looking at a TV that isn't on.

And every time they try to like, you know, every time you're like, hey, Jim, how's it going?

Their like wife flies in is like, don't talk to him for a second.

Like there's so many couples like that.

Well, there's a lot of cucked out men out there, cucked out by their job, cucked out by life.

You know, you just stop being a man and then you stop getting any respect from the people that know you because they know you're kind of a bitch.

bitch the people that really know you like your wife and your kids really know you like oh harry harry's a fucking bitch yeah there's so many boomers like that though there's so many where it's the dad is so quiet and so distant and the mom is just so up every day thoreau wrote about that like what whenever he wrote this he said most men live lives of quiet desperation that's fucked yeah that's fucked that's fucked but that's real but why does that happen well there's a whole bunch of reasons because you stop challenging yourself or you never did.

You stop growing and you don't have any character.

You don't exhibit a strong will and you don't have discipline.

And then, you know, you're emotionally disconnected from the life that you've chosen.

And then you have a job where you have to pretend to be someone you're not for eight hours a day and work for a boss who's a piece of shit.

And then you lose the job because the job becomes irrelevant.

Yeah, and then you're a broken man.

And then you're like 46 years old.

And they're telling you to learn to code.

Yeah.

Like, oh, great.

Yeah, yeah.

That's fucked.

A lot of people, they don't know what to do, and they didn't get good advice when they were young.

They didn't get a good direction.

You know,

they didn't find something that they could focus their energy on and realize, like, oh, if I focus my energy on something, whatever it is, I can get better at stuff.

I'll start off sucky, but you keep working at it, and eventually you get...

Some people never learn that.

Well, it'd be nice if they could also focus on being a parent.

Like, I feel like the women stay loud because they're like, I'm a mother, I'm mama bear.

You know, so I'm like, it would be nice if the dads would get off the lazy boy and be like, I'm going to help raise my kids instead of just

like, you know, it's just fucking, some people are just beaten.

Life is just, they wanted to be spider-ran.

Yeah, yeah.

They wanted to be cool.

They wanted to have a good life, and life just fucking cracked them in the dick every time they made a move.

Yeah.

You know, they got their car repossessed.

Oh, Jesus.

Credit card.

There's got to be something biological, though, that makes a man not.

Like, you have the pride.

Burt Kreischer I just talked about it like you guys have the pride in your children hardcore like as soon as I met you you showed me a photo of your daughter you know what I mean like but I do feel like there are a lot of men who are like that's not my responsibility oh that's crazy that's crazy well maybe it's the way they were raised you know

um but but maybe if you had lost your job if you weren't in comedy and you retired and didn't have your didn't have your passion, maybe you wouldn't be as gung-ho about being a dad.

Or maybe you'd feel like a failed dad.

Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe they feel like a failed dad.

Perhaps.

I don't know.

I would have figured it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

I just don't believe that.

I just, if I lost my job doing something, I would find another job.

I would figure it out.

Yeah.

There's other paths.

You don't just stay still if the path doesn't work out.

And some people do.

Some people do.

I didn't know that until recently, that some people really do stay still forever.

Oh, they quit.

Well, that's why they love unemployment,'cause they could just get a check and just still and just wallow in the future.

And there's so many people who are against unemployment that still that still stay still, that are like, fuck, fuck unemployment.

I'm hired to see the government.

Yeah, well, that's even sillier, I guess.

I don't know.

Yeah, people are weird.

You know, just.

If I quit comedy right now, there'd be like three jobs that I would be almost just as stoked about.

What would those be?

I would love to be a full-time contractor out in the sticks.

I would be a philosophy professor or a therapist.

Really?

Yeah, all of those sound sick.

Which one sounds the most sick?

Philosophy professor.

You kind of become a therapist when you are a professor.

You know what I mean?

You have those kids that are fucked up, so they're reading philosophy and they need to help.

Like me, I was going in there being like.

Or the guys that are trying to get laid.

Yeah.

Trying to become a philosopher.

It's a lot of dorks.

Bet.

It's like I was the only girl major in my class, and the rest were dorky guys?

Dorks who wore ties to class, yeah.

Well, philosophy itself is a strange thing because you're just thinking about a structure of how you interface with the world.

Yeah.

It was the only thing I could study well.

Everything else, I was like, why would I study something that's already been known?

Is it crazy?

But philosophy was like,

no, they're all just trying to figure out life, which I was like, okay, I get that.

And none of them are correct.

And they're like, none of them are correct.

And I was like, great.

Because I would study science and they'd be like, we know we get the exact measurement of how to find out this thing.

I'd be like, why do I want to study that?

There's nothing new here.

My favorite book of philosophy I started reading when I was like, I guess I was 16, is The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi.

He's a samurai who killed 60 men in one-on-one combat with swords.

But he was all about the way to become a great sword fighter is you have to be balanced.

Like you can't have any holes in your game as a human being.

You have to be an artist.

You have to be a poet.

You have to learn calligraphy.

You have to be completely balanced.

And you have to see the thing for what it is.

You can't have any bullshit.

You can't have any fat, right?

We were talking about fat.

No delusion.

You can't have any bullshit.

There's no bullshit when you're sword fighting.

But don't sometimes, do you ever feel like you're in that flow state in your life where you'll be like, I have all these moving parts and I have it down?

And like, I recently had this where I was like,

I'm oil painting.

I'm doing stand-up.

I have my friends.

I'm in this groove.

And then something will happen where I'll just have like explosive diarrhea or something.

Like something will happen where I'm just like, Jesus Christ, I thought I was fucking suave.

I had this shit.

I used to do that with poker where I'd be like, I have this whole poker game on lock.

And then something would happen.

Like,

it's almost like one of those swords that you have to have in balance is also humility.

Like, you also have to be like, and I'm a person who still has a butthole, you know?

Right.

And that I think that's it.

And you have to go sideways, always.

Yeah, because I would be like, I'm going to get in this flow state, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

And then I'd mess up a word on stage, and I'd be like,

I'm an idiot, you know?

So I have to keep that also, be like, you also are fallible.

Well, that's what's a good thing about stand-up.

It's like it smacks you every time you do it wrong.

Yeah.

like you got to do it right.

It's crazy how true it is that you're only good as good as your last set.

You are.

It's crazy.

Yeah, it's why, like, if you have a bad set, you can't wait to get on stage again.

Like, get me up there.

Dude, I was like, I'm doing no sets in Austin bomb last night, hitting Rebecca up.

I'm like, what do you got?

It's crazy.

Oh, you bust out some old shit.

You should have hit up

mothership.

Yeah, come tonight.

What are you doing tonight?

My show.

Oh, okay.

Can you do it?

What time is it at?

Seven.

Yeah, that would actually be good.

Let's fucking go.

Let's do it.

I was, dude, dude, there's a clip I wanted to post about that's really funny about your, about your club where I was like, you get in here and there's a guy who's like, my name's Kyle.

I'll carry you up this flight of stairs.

I have a PhD in MMA.

I'm going to pass you off to Derek.

Derek has an AK-47.

And we get in the green room.

And I'm like, they're like, do you need anything?

We'll kill people for you.

And I was like, could I have some like almonds or snacks?

And they're like, no, we have smelling salts.

And I was like, wait.

I was like, is there any just like water bottles?

They're like, no, we have neurotropic dust.

It was so funny.

We were in the green room the other day, and someone had called us like some alt-right white supremacist club.

I was in the room with Brian Simpson, who's black, Derek Poston, who's black, Asan Ahmad, who's Muslim.

It was Tony Hinchcliffe, Ron White, and me.

I'm like, this is a pretty diverse lineup.

Like, what are we talking about?

This is so silly.

You're looking at comments.

See, it's hard.

It's hard to not look at comments.

It wasn't.

It was a video.

It wasn't a comment.

It was a video of someone that one of the guys was playing.

It was like, look how fucking stupid this is.

The idea that this, like, that you had to be, like,

I'm not even a Republican.

Like, I voted for Trump because I thought we were going in a terrifying direction where there was not really a president for four years, and the same people are now going to be running the government.

Like, let's.

Weren't you like a Bernie, bro?

Yes.

So I've only voted Republican once in my life.

The idea that you have to be a Republican to get in at that club is so ridiculous.

That club is filled with gay people, black people, straight people, white people, Asian.

No one gives a fuck.

Yeah, that jerry room is.

You're just doing comedy.

You're just doing comedy.

Whoever you are, whatever you believe, we have tons of lively discussions.

I will say one time I was there and Jordan Peterson walked through and I was like, you can't be here.

That's too on the nose.

Get all of that.

That's crazy.

It is weird.

Yeah.

That's crazy with his daughter?

Oh, yeah.

He came with his daughter.

Yeah.

He's been there a a few times.

Yeah, he even did Kill Tony.

Oh, he was on it?

Yeah, he was on Kill Tony.

That's crazy.

Oh, yeah.

So was Post Malone.

Post Malone had no idea, and I brought him on stage.

He had no idea what the show was, no idea what anything was.

I just brought him up there.

Really?

I did that twice.

Once with Post Malone and once with Tucker Carlson.

I was having dinner with Tucker Carlson.

I'm like, you want to go by and go see Kill Tony?

And they were there, and I told Tony, and he's like, bring him on stage.

I go, I'm not even going to tell him what it is.

So I go, dude, we're going to go on stage.

And he's like, what?

Oh, my God.

But he was great.

Was he good?

Yes.

He was funny.

He was like laughing.

He was cracking jokes with the comedians back and forth.

Wow.

It was really surprisingly great.

Wait, you're not Republican.

You used to be Bernie Bro.

Yeah.

Are you Bernie Bro?

I am.

Look.

I think the idea of socialism is wonderful if everybody had their shit together and everybody was disciplined.

Yeah.

But it's not the case.

And I think that human nature, unfortunately, you're going to need some socialism, though, right?

You're going to need the fire department.

Like, this is one of the things that I point to all the time.

People say, oh, socialism doesn't work.

The fire department is an entirely socialist idea.

Like, we all pay into it and they take care of everybody's fire, right?

You can't have only the rich people have a fire department and the poor people, their fucking house burns down all the time.

That's crazy, right?

We all agree to that.

Well, that should be the same with education.

That should be the same with healthcare.

Are we a fucking community or are we not?

And if we're a community, you have to take care of the downtrodden and you have to do it because it's bad for them and it's also bad for you.

We're all in this together.

So you have to have a social safety net.

I believe in all that.

But I also believe you can't just give people free money because then they rely on it and they become dependent on it and then it takes away their ambition and then they don't do anything.

That's true too.

It doesn't mean you're not compassionate.

I don't like either one of these parties.

I don't think there's a solution that's correct.

I think you have overcorrection after overcorrection.

I think you have the country goes one way, and then it swings hard the other way.

Yeah, America's back.

And then it swings the other way.

Now we're the new America, and America's this way.

It's like everyone's so tribal, and everyone's so locked into their idea that they're the good guys, and these are the bad guys.

We've got to get them back, and we're going to get them in the midterms, and we're going to get them in the fucking next elections.

Like, oh,

it's crazy.

And it's all comedy by

that.

Yeah, sort of.

It's all in who you talk to with comedy.

It's like, there's a lot of bitter people out there.

But, you know, that's that old expression.

I forget who said that, that we brought this up before, that all criticism is the tragic result of unmet needs.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a paraphrase, but there's a lot of that there.

There's a lot of like,

I don't like how Jordan is like, why does she have a fucking Netflix special?

She middled for me once and she didn't even do good.

Yeah, did somebody say that?

Dude, I'm just somebody who, I mean, I fucking, I'll date a libertarian and become a fucking libertarian.

Somebody will talk to me about Israel.

I'll listen to fucking one Sam Harris episode.

Now all of a sudden I'm fucking Zionist.

I'll talk to

John Marco the other day.

Now I'm fucking all pro-Palestine.

Like whatever it is, I switch back and forth and then I do podcasts and people are like, you are.

And I'm like, well, I'll tell you what I am.

I'm an idiot, dude.

I will switch.

I will move.

But I do think that's what makes a comedian is somebody who can try on so many different perspectives.

And it is hard that people are looking at comics like politicians.

You're not an idiot because both sides have points.

That's why you can be swayed on.

I'll double down.

I'll double down.

I mean, doubling down is just going down the rabbit hole of whatever that ideology believes because, like, they probably have a really good pitch.

And then, you know, if you talk to the socialists, they probably have a real good pitch.

Yeah.

Totally.

But I double down in a way that's like, I'll be like, this thing's fucking bad.

And then the next day I'll be like, actually, it's pretty good like I'll I'll stop eating meat and being like anybody who eats meat sucks and then somebody be like want to buy this burger the ironer hit me and I'll be like fuck cows dude like I go too hard in the paint on both sides and I do I I remember

I remember in college these girls would bully me and I remember being like why don't you guys like me and they were they go you just have too strong of convictions and I was like oh interesting because I always thought that was a good thing and I think for comedy it is to be like you get up on stage or you do a podcast and you go, what if I just try on this idea hardcore?

And that's like an interesting thing to do as opposed to being like, well, I see

this is kind of good and that's good too.

You know, like there is something about comedy just being like, what if this is the truth right now?

That's an interesting thing to say to someone.

You're too strong with your conviction.

I'll never forget that.

I'll never forget the girl who said it.

Did the girl give you an example?

It was just, I would talk the way I talk where they'd be like, you know, I'd be like, women need to stop wearing dresses.

High heels are ridiculous.

Or I'd be like, men need to

do this.

Or women, you know, or I'd be like, or I'd be like, I'm going to go ahead and say diners need to go, you know, like whatever it was.

Right, right, right.

Just, I'd be in or out on topics immediately.

Right.

And they'd be like, you're just like too intense with your thoughts.

And I'd be like, yeah, totally.

Every,

I mean, this is like why I would be bad in Nazi Germany.

I mean, I hopefully would be okay, but I know I'd be somebody to be like, wait, no, wait, no, it's crazy.

Well, I mean, is there, it's got to be some sort of a psychological reason why all those people went along with that.

Right?

There's, I mean, yeah, they went along.

I think a lot of it was,

yeah, I mean, I think a lot of it was just kind of dissociation, right?

Well, there's a little bit of that, but then there's also, there's a tribal mentality that kicks in.

Like, there's a default switch that happens to people.

Yeah.

And in this country, you saw a lot of it during COVID.

It was like the vaccinated people were hating on the unvaccinated.

They should have their children taken away and like put them into camps.

Like, do you hear yourself?

Do you hear yourself?

It's so weird because it's such a different, like, I was with so many anti-vaxxers.

Like, I was, they were, they're my friends.

But I was like, oh, I'm getting vaccinated because number one thing that's important to me is comedy.

I have no idea if the vaccine gave me long COVID, if COVID gave me long, whatever the fuck.

But I just have to perform.

That's it.

My health comes second.

Did you get long COVID?

Bro, my shit is fucked up.

I can't, like, those Ubers that have those smelly trees, I have to get out of them.

I get immediate migraines, like, because I, my smell is fucked up.

Your smell's fucked up.

Like, if you have a deodorant that has, like, chemicals in it, it's rancid to me.

Really?

Yeah.

And so many people were people were coming.

That's your long COVID.

Do you just smell things?

Smell, it's bad, though.

I don't think you can call that long COVID.

Long COVID.

Yeah, long COVID is people that are exhausted and they have like heart palpitations.

And

I got a synapse off.

I got a synapse off.

Sounds like you just got to upgrade in your nose.

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Did get it up.

Yeah, but it sucks, dude.

If somebody's wearing cologne, I'm like, I gotta go.

Perfect.

Yeah.

I would take, you got a wolf nose.

I got a wolf nose.

Yeah, that's great.

Some people.

You got to change the way you look at it.

You're right.

Yeah.

I thought I had long COVID, and then I stopped eating sugar.

I thought I had the bad one, and then I stopped eating candy, and I was like,

Mel, hello.

It's crazy what it is.

Candy wrecks your shit, isn't it nuts?

And I was a whore.

Little candy slut.

Ooh, little candy slut.

I wasn't eating anything.

What does it say?

Long COVID can cause altered smell

or parasomia where things smell distorted, foul, or different than they used to, even if the initial COVID-19 symptoms have passed.

So did you get this after you got,

like, when did this start happening?

Did you get COVID?

Yes, of course.

You got vaccinated six times.

Of course you didn't.

I just had it.

So you got vaccinated.

The people who didn't get vaccinated got it once or twice.

Really?

Yeah.

Shit.

Yeah, they fucked you.

They fucked everybody.

They fucked everybody with that goddamn stupid thing.

I got it hard.

See, I'll talk to you about this.

And then tomorrow, my liberal mom will be like, the vaccine is good.

And I'll be like, yes, mom, yeah.

It's a long conversation.

It would take a long time to explain what was wrong.

But it all boils down to the same thing that it always does, does, which is money.

They distorted the facts.

They distorted the research.

They distorted the efficacy.

They distorted what it was actually designed to do just because they wanted money.

That's it.

Did we pay them for the vaccine?

Oh, fuck yeah.

They made a shit ton of money.

It might have been free for you.

I like the idea of money, but

isn't your camp in on like

control, mind control?

Not mind control, but knowing where we are, like anti-vax people?

I'm not an anti-vax person.

What are you?

No.

Give yourself a label.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I believe that

all medications

should be subject to scrutiny.

They should all go through

rigorous double-blind placebo-controlled trials to find out what the side effects are, what the efficacy rate is, what's the real facts.

You'll just lie about that.

But this is why.

This is why.

The problem is pharmaceutical drug companies do their own research.

Not only do they do their own research, but they do their own research that they hide.

So they'll do multiple studies that show no efficacy.

And then they'll rig one study where they can show just like a little bit of an improvement and then they just sell it and they start going with it.

And they've done that before.

They got sued because of Vioxx.

Viox killed 50,000, 60,000 people.

And through internal emails, the pharmaceutical drug company was saying we're going to have these problems.

And it listed all the different things that people wound up getting including strokes we're going to have these cardiovascular problems cardiopulmonary problems but whatever the the wording was I don't want to like be quoted on it but it will be good for us financially we'll do well with this it's in the email yeah in the email we'll do well with this it killed 50 to 60,000 people a friend of mine got a stroke he got on Viox because he had knee problems it was an anti-inflammatory medication sometimes there's fishy shit like that Like, sometimes I'll take Prozac from one place and from a different place.

Very different thing.

Yeah, because it's from Mexico.

It's got Sentinel in it.

It's some weird shit going on.

Yeah.

What do you think about Ozempic?

We talked about that the other day with a guy who runs a pharmacy.

The problem with it is that when they're dosing it out to people, they're giving everyone the same dose, and it should be dependent upon like how much weight are you trying to lose?

What is your body weight?

There's a bunch of different factors.

It just said it holds on to poop.

Well, it doesn't seem to be good for you.

If poop is sitting in your body, poop stays in your body a little longer and food digests slower and it kills your appetite.

But if you're morbidly obese and you might die from that, this is probably a good solution.

So it's not a, it's like, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

I don't want it.

I don't need it.

Yeah.

But if I did, if I was 600 pounds and I was in this, and then someone said, look, and I can give you this thing.

It'll kill your appetite.

Like, fucking please.

Yeah.

Please.

Totally.

So it's beneficial for that and then there's a problem with muscle loss and bone density loss but my friend brigham who was on the other day the episode's out now

he was saying that the issue is that they're giving them too much of a dose and if you mix it with other peptides you can actually eliminate those problems so there's a way to dose it out for people that are and you would just lose nothing but fat it is possible to do it just has to be done correctly so he's explaining and right now it's willy-nilly well right now everyone's just getting on it and instead of just going to the gym, there's people that like need to lose 20 pounds.

They're getting on a Zempay.

Like, that's crazy.

You can lose 20 pounds in a couple months.

The thing that's frustrating is because I used to be so fat.

I used to have type 2 diabetes and I got rid of it, which is crazy.

And like, it's frustrating.

You're still eating all that sugar?

Dude.

Well, that's the thing is I can eat sugar exclusively, lose weight if I only eat the candy.

Like it was like this bizarre diet I would go on.

And then I just had to like switch my mind, but that mental switch of being like, this is not for fun.

This food is not for fun.

You've had your fun.

Right.

Like, you did that.

You did the candy.

You did the pizza.

You did all of that.

Now we're using food as like the same way we use sleep, where it's like, I feel better when I get eight hours.

Right.

Right.

And once you do that switch,

it's, it feels like things click into place.

So with people on Ozempic, I'm like, if you could just get that turn of your brain, it would help so much.

If you could just, it does feel like a switch where you're like.

You have to think about what you had to go through with acid to to get off the OCD.

And now imagine you're 600 pounds and you've been eating candy for 35 years.

Yeah.

That's, you know, it's a big switch.

It's a battleship.

Yeah.

You can't just fucking

recovery.

You got to turn that motherfucker around.

Did you see a sugar diet going viral earlier this year?

Yeah, I know Mark Bell was really into that.

Unlimited sugar, restricted protein ever be a good thing.

What is the good of the battle?

What?

It's literally, I swear I was paying attention when he said I was like, there's no way you're saying just eat candy.

It's not just candy, but I thought he was fucking around.

No, it's like fruit, but he's like, if candy is all you got, it's not the worst thing.

But it's low protein, right?

Yeah, it's like a certain amount of protein.

There's a video of him explaining it if you want to watch that.

So he weighs 95 kilograms, which is what is that, like 230?

25 kilograms.

Yeah, the video I just saw, you said he was like 207, 210.

He was going to get under 200.

Does he have a face?

Can we see his face?

No, he's a handsome guy.

Good-looking guy.

But it doesn't work with him because he's really fit.

And he's been doing a bunch of different stuff his whole life.

My favorite thing is that he's like, like like he was carnivore dying for a long time.

It's not

no, dude.

See the deep sunken lines?

That's sugar.

He's like 50 years old.

No, this is the new thing.

Like he's, he was always like this.

This is what he looked like forever.

And he used to be gigantic.

You know what?

Pizza.

He used to be like this.

This was a moment.

We'd be like, that's anorexia.

Because when I told people I was only eating sugar, they were like, that's anorexia.

Hold on.

Show what he looks like, Jamie.

Go to his Instagram and wait.

You see how fit this guy is.

Like, this guy is in tremendous shape.

No protein?

Oh, the veins are getting me.

Well, he's always had those.

But that's my point.

Like, click on that one on the right-hand side.

Like, look, that's what we're talking about.

He's a big jack dude.

So for him to do this diet and say, you know, look, I've got this body.

Well, I bet you always had that body.

Yeah.

Like, I don't know.

No, I mean, I've gotten very skinny off the all-sugar diet, but it has effects.

Yeast infection all the time.

Deep, dark circles.

From sugar.

From sugar.

Yeah.

Fucks up your sleep.

When did you stop with the sugar?

Like two months ago.

Oh.

But I'm having ice cream today because my special came out.

But we've been planning.

We have been planning.

We're going to Amy's ice cream and we're going to have ice cream.

It's a great spot.

Yeah.

But I've been off sugar.

It just helps a lot.

I've just been doing fats and like stuff like that, which is great.

And I can eat as much as it used to be.

Everything I ate, I had to do a tiny amount.

And now it's like I can eat as many eggs and avocado.

Isn't that nuts?

It's a real crazy.

It doesn't even seem like it's real.

I know.

If you just ate nothing but steak, you would lose weight.

Everyone's like, no way.

Like, yeah, because your body would regulate correctly.

When you're done, you're done.

Like,

if you sit down and you have a 16-ounce steak, if you really only need 12 ounces, after 12 ounces, you'll stop eating.

Yeah.

That's all you're eating.

But if you have mashed potatoes there and then a bowl of pasta and then an ice cream and then a cake.

Yeah.

Try eating cake after you ate a whole avocado.

You're like,

I'm good.

Like, you don't.

The fat gets you.

It's so crazy.

Also, your gut biome switches, and your gut biome doesn't crave sugar anymore.

It's that candida.

The candida is what I did, the candida diet.

Because every time I got my period, I had a yeast infection, and then it was just, I was itchy.

And I was like, what's going on?

And I was like, I had brain fog and I chat GBT and it was like, oh, you're riddled with candida.

And I was like, oh, I'll try the diet.

And then I immediately started thinking faster and was not itchy at all.

Isn't that bizarre that your gut biome has an effect on your personality?

It's fucked up.

It's fucked up.

It's fucked up.

Well, we are a literal ecosystem.

We want to think of ourselves as a person, but we're really like

a life form that houses life forms.

Yeah.

I think it's because our control panel is up here makes us think that we're this like unit that we can fuck with.

Like I think if our eyes were here, we would maybe be like, this is a whole collective system, but this fucks us up.

Like I was watching this fat, huge, tall guy eat an ice cream cone the other day, and his arm was like this, and he was like six, seven.

He was just licking it.

And and i was like it looks like this little man is eating this ice cream cone unbeknownst to this giant body down below like it looks like this little guy is just riding this big guy and i think that if we could just slide this fucker down yeah body awareness of what you are as a whole but that's also a lot of people don't do anything with their body so their body is just like a truck that they drive around right and we do have a mouth i have a vagina which is a mouth you know what i mean we have the fucking more face down there there's great the uterus is a fucking another head and the gut and everything we just don't have eyeballs there so we forget about it completely.

Really?

It's a head?

I think so.

Yeah, it's a fucking whole thinking thing.

Your gut is freaking always praying.

It's definitely thinking.

Your heart thinks, too.

There's neurons in your heart.

But the serotonin in the gut and the brain and stuff, it feels pretty balanced.

It's just the eyeballs fuck us up.

Well,

if we could have an understanding that you're an actual system, it would be a lot better for people.

Because so many people just think like, oh, I don't want to worry about my body.

I'm worrying about my brain.

Like, they think it's almost like vain to think about your body.

And vein is stupid.

Yeah.

It's okay, but there's no virtue in being a weak piece of shit.

Like, that's not good for you.

Yeah.

And it just impacts the brain.

Yeah, it's not intelligent to not take care of your body.

Stupid.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

It is.

Yeah.

And the second I start, I stop working out, it is so weird how much pent-up energy.

And then I'm like lethargic, and then I have to eat sugar, and it all gets fucking crazy.

Also, you start getting anxiety.

You're like, oh, start flinching.

Anytime I participate in self-deception in any way, it bleeds into everything.

Like anytime I'm neglecting some part of my life, you can like smell it on me.

The second I walk in, I'm like, hey, sorry, I didn't know, I shouldn't be, you know, I have this whole air, and it's like, I just needed to do my dishes.

I would have been fine.

That's Miyamoto Musashi.

Oh, that's the sword.

So like literally, that's his book.

It's like, you have to be balanced.

You have to balance everything.

That's good.

But then sometimes, don't you go sicko mode where you go, fuck it.

Yeah.

Kind of, but not for long periods of time.

Do you drink?

Yeah, but I don't.

I haven't drank in a long time, but I will.

Yeah.

Like, I'll have a glass of wine.

But it's been like,

it was many months before I had anything.

And then I had like a margarita.

And I was like, okay.

And you felt.

Nothing.

I mean, I didn't do it because I was an alcoholic.

I did it because it's bad for you.

I was like, why am I doing this?

Because

I drink at my club.

I'll have a couple of drinks at the club.

couple nights a week and then I'll go out with my wife, have a drink or two, and then maybe I'll do a podcast with someone who wants to have a drink.

And so we'll have like a little whiskey, clink glasses, and we're talking, get a little tipsy.

After a while, you're like, you're poisoning yourself.

You're drinking seven, 10, 15, 15 drinks in a week.

Yeah.

Like, that's not good.

And then I stopped and I was like, oh my God, it feels so much better.

And then I felt stupid.

I felt stupid for not doing it.

I did the same thing.

I'm a sugar addict and a love addict.

I'm not an alcoholic, but I was like,

I can't be having extra sugar where I'm not, where I don't need it.

Because I'm eating so much candy.

So you got off the alcohol because of the sugar.

I had to choose.

I was like, it's Swedish fish or alcohol.

I had to make the decision.

And I was puffy all the time.

I couldn't stand the little puff.

That's not good either.

Yeah, the puffy's bad.

And then you have a glass of wine because you're like, I can treat, and I'd be like, just like...

fully retarded.

Instantly, right?

Yeah, because your body's not used to it.

Yeah.

And so I was like, well, this isn't that fun either.

So I'll just not do it.

Yeah, I think a lot of people more now than I think ever before before are abstaining from alcohol i think there was just a study recently about young people about alcohol consumption in young people is down by what was the numbers i think it's something crazy like 25 well it's because they're not having sex is that what it is i mean gen z i need to touch this you need to touch that that's uh harlan williams snake i love harlan william snake and it was so much i love him too it was on the table when Trump was here and he got so happy that his snake.

So he had that snake in his pants the entire time he was doing a podcast and he told me that he got a tapeworm, and that he named his tapeworm Dimitri.

And I'm like, you have a worm?

Yeah, I got a worm.

I picked it up.

It just, you know, it was a gag.

And then at the end, he pulled, he's like, oh, the worm's coming out.

And like, ah, he reaches into his bag.

He had it the whole time.

The whole time.

He pulls out this fucking snake and he puts it on the table.

And it's been there ever since.

So when I had Trump on the podcast, he was so happy that Dimitri the snake was on the table.

His pants, his little snake pants.

That's awesome.

That's such a...

Look at this.

That's crazy.

I love Harlan.

Dude, Harlan was talking to us about Rocket Man and how they didn't put out Rocketman because there's a song in it where he imitates being Chinese.

Like, he does it with everybody.

He does it with German where he's like,

and then he does a Chinese accent where he's like,

right?

Yeah.

And they just like buried it.

Like it, that came out with Tarzan.

And they buried the shit out of Rocket Man and let Tarzan like take the...

And I was like, I looked it up.

Tarzan is like based off seriously racist original story.

Was it really?

Yeah.

Which is so interesting.

Like Rocket Man.

Edgar Rice Burroughs?

The original Tarzan?

Was it Tarzan?

Was it Edgar Rice Burroughs?

Is Tarzan the one where it's like, and we'll be.

Yeah, yeah.

Tarzan.

Look up Tarzan Racist Ties.

It is there.

So from the original book?

I think so, yeah.

Like the original original.

Well, it was old.

It was old.

It was an old story.

Yeah.

A white white guy who lives with the chimpanzees and figures it out.

He lives with the apes, becomes a king, of course.

Yeah, but I think even before then, it was more racist.

I mean, this was a Google.

This could have been one of the things.

Maybe.

I don't think I've ever read it.

I think I've read the comic books.

I've seen the movies.

I don't think I ever read Tarzan, the Edgar Rice Burroughs novel.

No, I haven't read that either.

I think this was pretty that, though.

But this could have been me Googling and finding it and being like, see.

But Rocket Man getting buried.

Rocket Man's so good.

And if I had seen that as a kid, I would have been so stoked.

So it's one of Harlan's comedies?

Yeah, yeah.

His first.

Okay.

So it's his first movie, and he's so goofy in it.

But he does all these voices for different nationalities.

And at one point, he gets their needs.

And it's such a funny scene.

1997.

Yeah.

Wow.

Did you find...

I don't think anything I knew about that movie.

I didn't know about it either, but we had Harlan on the pod and Ian was like, I'm obsessed with this movie.

So then me and Ian watched it, and it's like the best.

It's like exactly what you want your kid to see.

It's like a doofus who makes it as an astronaut because he's smart in his own.

But they fucked up with the Chinese thing, huh?

It was the one accent that you can't make fun of.

One accent.

He did all the other accents.

So weird.

I don't get that.

Why is that the one?

We live in a bizarro time.

It's very weird.

It's a very weird time.

It's also funny because Disney was like, yeah, the scene goes in.

We approve it.

And then they're like, wait, actually, it's not, that's fucked up.

Well, you know, people approve dumb shit all the time.

Yeah.

Fear Factor, they improve people drinking cum.

And that's what got the show.

Yeah, they did.

Dude, I was obsessed with that show.

And Piss.

I was about to say, did you ever watch it again?

I'm like, you're on it.

But those people do not.

I used to think they were like hot people.

They're like trash, a little trash.

Like growing up when I was watching it, I was like, oh my God, I want to grow up to look like her.

And then I look back and I'm like, this is White Dread's crazy lunatics.

I was obsessed with that show.

Well, they made them drink cum.

But it wasn't a bowl cum?

It was Donkey.

Oh, yeah, Donkey Cum.

Donkey Cum and Donkey Urine.

They had to play horseshoes to see how much Donkey Cum and Donkey Urine.

Did they say cum?

Oh,

sperm.

I think we said sperm.

Don't worry.

And they aired it?

Well, not really.

See, that's what got the show.

I was just drinking the cum and not having your episode aired.

No.

People drank the cum and didn't win.

The cum is not a problem for me.

I would have drank the cum.

It would be more of a problem.

Urine, fine.

For me, it was the spiders in the mouth.

The gals chose the urine over the cum,

or the cum rather, over the urine.

But

the gals would rather be hilarious to think it's Donkey Juice.

The episode's called Donkey Juice.

But I don't know if that's really what it's called.

See, the thing is, it never aired.

I think Donkey Juice was like the internal name for the episode or the stunt.

But so it did air in other countries, though.

That's why you can still watch it on YouTube.

Because it aired in, I think it aired Denmark or some shit.

They had to just jerk off a bunch of donkeys?

No, no, no.

How do they get the cup?

I used to have a bit

about it in my act.

They take a counterprod and they shove it up the donkey's ass and they shock their prostate.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They just bust.

They love that shit.

Yeah.

That is donkey rape.

It's more than that.

It's kind of alien.

You're an alien

abducting this donkey and forcing it to come.

That's brutal.

I know.

With electro shock.

Oh my blast.

And then, you know, they got like a.

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The tube in the end where they're collecting it all.

For a show.

That's a good idea.

And we had buckets of it.

And the donkeys got to get a lot of money.

How many donkeys got jacked off?

Because there was buckets of it.

No, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You know what?

I always assumed that was fake.

Oh, no, it was super real.

Right?

100%.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

There's laws.

Like, there's laws, which is really good because, like, people say, how do I get on Fear Factor?

Like, if you've ever met me, you can't get on the show, so you can't talk to me about it.

If you want to get on the show, you can't talk to me right now.

Yeah.

And it will get me out of conversation.

That's good.

Yeah.

Nice.

That's really good.

Yeah.

Because I can't help anybody get on the show.

But there's laws.

Like, you can't say it's Donkey Come when it's not Donkey Cum.

It is cum.

You're drinking cum.

Yeah, otherwise your show's not a game show anymore.

How'd they get all that stuff?

All the worms.

So many worms.

Farms.

Worm farms.

Oh, yeah, for baits.

Yeah.

And then cockroach farms with the people that eat cockroaches.

Do you have to put them on a specific diet for X amount of time before they're allowed to be consumed by people?

Yeah, you can't just have them eating garbage and rotten meat.

And then there's spiders in the mouth where they were climbing out.

That was the one that me and my sister would watch to torture ourselves.

Where they couldn't get the spider in the mouth because it was climbing out.

Yeah, it was brutal.

Ridiculous show.

I literally signed up for it because I thought it was going to be canceled immediately and I'd have a lot of material.

Were you able to tell jokes on it?

No.

No, they limited the shit out of you.

No,

if I said something that they thought was controversial, most of the time they would edit it out.

Did Jackass come?

Jackass was after Fear.

No, I think it was before.

It was like during, I guess.

Was it?

I think so.

Okay.

I was obsessed with it.

The first one was Survivor.

Survivor was the first one on TV where you're like, yo, which is still on the air, which is crazy.

That is good.

I thought the Osbournes.

Well, that was a reality show.

There was ones before that, right?

There was Totally Polly.

That was kind of a reality show.

Oh, okay, okay.

Totally Polly?

Was that Pauly Shore?

Paul, sure, yeah.

He had like a very famous MTV reality show.

Where Totally Pauli.

Where he just fucked around?

Just traveled around, met people.

It was a reality show.

But, like,

I'm not wrong, right?

Wasn't Survivor the first one of those kind of shows?

Game show?

No, you know, like a game show, but a reality show.

Reality game show.

I think so.

I mean, it definitely caught.

There was that wave.

That came out around the same year as American Idol.

What year did Survivor start?

I think it's like 90.

I was in high school.

I'll check, but it was like 2000-ish, 99, 2000.

Yeah.

So Survivor was the first one.

That was the big one.

I just can't believe it's still in the air.

That's nuts.

Was Fear Factor

2000.

May 31st, 2000.

Oh, so it was only like a year before Fear Factor because Fear Factor started in 2001.

They're going to do a new one now.

Who the hell's hosting it?

I saw that.

Wait.

Johnny Knoxville.

Yeah.

Survivor?

It comes full circle.

No, Fear Factor.

I think there's a new Fear Factor that Johnny Knoxville's going to host.

That's awesome.

So it all comes full circle.

And you hated it?

No.

No, I didn't hate it.

It's just like, it was a job.

You were really sweet to the people.

I was trying to be.

You were very nice to them.

I try to be nice.

I remember being like, that's a comforting.

You'd be a good acid person to trip acid.

You know what I mean?

You'd be a sitter.

Maybe that's how you got good at.

I mean, that's a fucked up trip to be like, you're going to put these fucking things in your mouth.

There's that, but I would also.

Some people would be scared to do a stunt, and I'd be like, look.

We have to make money.

You 100% can do this.

You know, people that have never really completely challenged themselves are not sure of where their boundaries lie and they get really scared when something new and crazy is about to happen.

They get overwhelmed by anxiety.

And you can get them and go, hey, hey, listen to me.

You know, that voice in your head telling you not to do this.

Yeah.

Fuck that voice.

You can do this.

And when you get done, you're going to be so happy.

You're going to be so happy.

But you just have to do it.

It's not going to be nearly as bad as you think it is.

Just force yourself to do it and you can do it.

And they would do it.

Yes.

When I was a kid, from the time I was like 15 years old, I was teaching martial arts.

So I am used to coaching people.

I would bring people to tournaments and people that were scared and they were going to have to fight and compete.

And I would coach them.

In the corner?

Oh, yeah.

In the corner?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just went to the Serrano.

Katie Taylor martyrdom.

Oh, did you really?

It was a great fight.

Dude, I have, can I say I am straight as they come, but Katie Taylor, man.

Did you get some of that?

Dude, I just think she's the most attractive woman.

The way she goes, and I fight for the Lord.

And she's like, dude, when they're all fucking brain fucked afterwards, and she's like, I just want to go ahead and thank everybody for coming out.

And you're like, nobody knows what you're saying.

The brain damage, though, is crazy.

I box, and I am not.

You still box?

Yeah, I box, but I don't.

I mean,

when my trainer is in town, but even sparring, I'm like, we got to do this occasionally because I'm fucking fucked up afterwards.

Yeah, I have friends that still spar.

I'm like, stop doing that.

Yeah, a lot of people aren't sparring at all.

They just fight.

Well,

that's rare.

Most fighters spar.

There's a few that don't.

Like Max Holloway for a while wasn't sparring because he was trying to preserve himself for fights.

But then when he had to fight Dustin Porter, or when he had Justin Gaetchy, I think it was.

Justin Gaitche is like, I got to start sparring again because I'm going to fight someone who's really dangerous.

You can't have any.

It's just so.

When you start, when I started boxing, I was like, I'm never going to spar.

That's crazy.

And then like a month in, I was like, so addicted.

And it was so much fun.

It felt like you were training so that you could spar.

it is fun to do and then i would do a podcast and be like oh mesh and i'd be like

oh we can't do that we can't do that and you listen to serano and katie when they're like fighting in those like press conferences and it sounds like two drunk kids like they're like no she fucking said that we were gonna and you're like this is I cannot be doing that.

Well, the real rough one is when you talk to guys that are in like their 50s and they've been retired for years and they're slurring their words.

You barely understand what they're saying.

You're like, fuck.

Yeah.

And they have so much money, but what do they do?

Well, some of them don't even have the money anymore.

Usually they go through a few divorces because they're crazy.

No one can stay with them.

They're out of their fucking mind.

Yeah.

You know, and they're probably alcoholics because their brain's completely shattered.

Yeah.

Do they get do men get more aggressive

when they get brain damage?

Yeah.

They definitely can.

It depends entirely on the individual.

But do women get CTE?

Oh, yeah, 100%.

Yeah, they can get aggressive too.

Really?

They get real impulsive, men and women that have brain damage.

They get impulsive.

They can't control their instincts, their impulses rather.

They have addiction problems because they feel off, right?

So they want to drink alcohol to get to calm down or do cocaine.

A lot of them wind up doing Coke.

To feel up because they're fried.

You're fried.

Your brain's cooked.

Your endocrine system's all fucked up.

Your pituitary gland's been bouncing around inside your fucking skull.

Is your brain fucked?

Probably a little bit.

Probably just the right right amount.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When did you stop?

Well, I stopped fighting when I was 22, I think was my last fights.

And I stopped sparring when I was like 27 or 28.

Oh, good.

So you had the dummy.

I did a little bit of sparring later when I was in my 30s.

Do you do jiu-jitsu?

You do jujitsu.

Do you grapple with it?

But yeah, but that the brain damage you get from that is rare.

It's not.

Maybe I should do that.

My mom always tells me that.

Kim Congen does it.

Ask her about it.

Okay.

I just, the boxing, the hitting.

yeah I don't do that but I like but even just training with mitts

I have such a rage issue that beating the shit out of something feels even when I go to the gym and just beat the shit out of the bag I feel so much better it's super good for you there's nothing better to like relieve stress than hitting the bag it's the best don't stop doing that I mean definitely keep hitting pads but don't get any brain damage you know what I'm worried about jiu-jitsu what the fainting

black out the moment someone even comes close to choking you yeah if anybody does something to my wrist and getting

any arteries.

Stuck in a triangle, you're just going to fall through.

And they're going to be like, I did a good job.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

Because I have friends that do it and they're like, yeah, and then my bone was up against mine.

I'm like, I'm done.

No.

Yeah.

Talk to Kim.

It is rough, but it's super addictive.

Once you do it and you get used to it, it's very addictive.

It's a game puzzle.

It's a game.

Yeah, you're playing a game and you get better at the game the more you play it.

And, you know, the game is get somebody in an arm bar.

Right, but the arm bar is all of it is slightly representing breaking them, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that makes me nice.

You have to tap.

Okay.

You have to tap so your arm doesn't get broke.

The idea of overextending somebody's body part is brutal.

It is brutal.

That's so gross.

It's gross.

But it's very, but I think that that's a useful skill.

Very useful skill.

I know.

But the boxing is just bam, you know.

It's useful too.

Breaking somebody's nose I could do, but

you couldn't break their arm.

I could not.

No, the idea of like bone coming through, Crazy.

Choke them.

Put them to sleep.

Yeah.

Have you put, you put a lot of people to sleep?

Not a lot of people.

Is it a good feeling to be put to sleep?

I don't know.

You've never been put to sleep?

No, I've never been put to sleep.

No.

Really?

No.

Are you scared to be put to sleep?

No.

No, I just tap when I know I'm apologizing.

Right, right, right, right.

Your body probably taps.

No, you tap.

I know, but you probably, your instinct, like even if you're like, put me to sleep, you'd still probably be like, no, actually, no.

No, you got to know, like, when you're going.

Right.

So, like, if you're getting choked, if like someone's got my back and they've got to choke in, there's a point in time where I know I'm not getting out of this.

You just tap.

It's smart.

It's stupid to fight it off because you get injured.

And then you wind up being really fucked up.

I love watching MMA.

Do you?

Yeah, when they jump on their backs like that, when they go full monkey style, it's like, yes, dude.

Have you ever been to it live?

No, just that fight.

It was a big deal.

I went.

Netflix took me, thank you.

Oh, yeah, but that's a boxing match.

You should go to a UFC live.

It's bananas.

Really?

Yeah, it's bananas.

Yeah.

I loved going to the Serrano match.

Are you at the club this weekend?

Who's at the?

No, I'm in Rochester this weekend.

Oh, cool.

There's a UFC.

I was going to say there's a UFC in San Antonio on Saturday night.

I'll go in New York for sure.

Whenever I'm in the middle of it.

When it's in New York?

Okay.

I'll get you tickets.

It's going to be in Madison Square Garden in November.

I'll go.

If you're going to be around.

Okay.

That's going to be so sick.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to wear a fur coat.

Yeah, you'll love it.

And seeing it in the garden is kind of special.

Yeah, where were we?

I've seen anything in the garden.

Oh, they were in the garden, Toronto.

No, yes.

Were they?

Yeah.

The big room and the smaller room.

Big.

The big room.

Sold it out.

Wow.

Toronto made 14 mil or something.

I mean, they made

that.

That's great.

Isn't that great?

That's awesome.

Yeah.

And the fucking

card was incredible watching them.

Massive Square Garden has got a lot of energy in that room, too.

There's something crazy about that room.

Yeah.

It's just like the amount of concerts and fights and events that have taken place.

And you feel it in the building when you walk in you're like you walk in you're like whoa

it's intense this place is alive it's awesome yeah like when you go to a new arena and they're brand new and you walk in the door and it's empty and you're wandering around like wow cool place but you walk in the garden you're like yo this place is alive it's got memories in here the other ones feel like racquetball like you could you know what i mean like you could hit a racquetball around in one it's like they're the stage because i've done arenas with tombun segora and you can definitely feel the ones that have like been there versus the ones that they put up recently yeah yeah they have history history is burned into buildings I'm so bad at rotating oh it's weird it's so weird it's the best way though because it's the only way you can do an arena where it's intimate so what we're talking about is a stage that's round

oh yeah in the round in the round yeah Tom was like just say a joke then pivot just but I would every time I get up there and I'd be like here's my joke I'm gonna turn to these people now and I would turn every single that's funny though yeah Yeah, it was totally great.

But I couldn't do the like natural rotation.

The good thing about it is, though, it makes the show intimate, even though there's 16,000 people there.

Yeah.

Because there's people on this side facing people on the other side.

So everybody realizes they're all in it together.

And the Jumbotron.

I mean, my Netflix special is shot.

I was like, wherever your camera is, shove it the fuck up my nose.

Like, I'm so sick of seeing specials where I'm watching their whole body the whole time.

Like, show my face because my facial movements are like half of my joke.

Right.

And in the arena, you get that.

Like, I remember watching Louie at the Hulu, at the Hulu theater, and it was just the fucking jumbotrons.

You saw every little movement he was making.

And I was like, that's so sick because it's so, in a club, you see that.

Right.

And that's what you want to see, especially if you're looking at it on the screen, which is weird.

Yeah.

And then sometimes you watch somebody and you're like, I should just have gone home and watched this because then I would see their face.

Right.

But the jumbotron fucking nails you and it's so sick.

Yeah.

Well, that's the good thing about the round, too.

You can have your back to them, and they totally can still see your face.

No, but I'm always worried about my butt.

It's crazy.

I want like a trench coat or something.

Wear a trench coat.

Do like what Kinnison used to do.

Oh, yeah.

Kinnison used to wear a trench coat.

I can go Trinity.

Trinity from Matrix.

Yeah, they do.

There you go.

I'm obsessed with Trinity.

Oh, yeah.

Did you ever hear that lady that claims that she wrote The Matrix and they stole the idea from her?

Dude, Anime wrote that fucking shit.

That shit is like ancient as hell.

It's Kill Raider and Matrix.

It's both of them.

Right.

She says she wrote both of them?

Yeah.

Is there any credibility to what she says?

We don't know.

I had a joke about The Matrix that people were upset about where I was upset that the Wachowski sisters were in the top 10 female directors.

Oh, no.

Are they really?

Yeah, because I was like, if they had come into,

say they had come into MGM as sisters, being like, we want to pitch a movie.

Like in the 90s, like, we want to pitch a movie.

It's about a guy and he's in a simulation.

They'd be like, How about you simulate my dick in your mouth?

You know what I mean?

Like, and it's not like anti-anything, but people still got mad.

But yeah, that joke is

that it was one of my favorites for a while because I'm obsessed with The Matrix.

It's my favorite movie.

It was a great movie.

And I think we're about to literally live it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're real close.

I'm in the camp that everybody thinks I'm fully retarded.

They just told me a lot on Twitter that AI is going to help things, not hurt things.

I would like the record to state that this is my theory because I think it's going to be proved right.

You think that AI is going to help people and not hurt things?

Yes.

Oh, that's interesting.

How do you think that that's going to happen?

I just think that the whole catastrophic, this is going to be an entity that ends all of us,

I don't think it's going to do that.

I think that maybe I'm just looking at the positive side, but I think it's such a smart piece of technology that was so in the works the whole time to be made that

it's going to help us solve problems.

Like, I think humanity

has been trying to create somebody that can work on a supercomputer level to solve problems faster and more efficiently.

Yeah, that's definitely the best case scenario use for it.

Right, but the corporations are evil.

Yeah, the problem is

they've already shown that these large language models can be programmed with ideology, right?

So did you ever see the disaster they had with Google Gemini when they first launched it, where they said, show us images of Nazi soldiers, and they had multiracial Nazi soldiers.

Yeah.

They had like an Asian woman was a Nazi soldier, a black woman,

an Indian, they had a Native American lady who was a Nazi.

That's not real.

Okay, so your ideology, by making everything diverse, you've distorted history.

Like, so your ideology interfered with truth.

Okay.

So that means we do that when we take down all the

statues.

Right, but we're not supposed to be this large language model.

This large language model is supposed to be eventually super intelligence in artificial form, right?

So a super intelligence wouldn't do that.

It would know that Nazis were German and they were, you know.

It wasn't Nazi that they asked for.

They asked for German soldiers and then it gave people in color, which 1943, which would have been Nazi soldiers.

Yeah, why are you even getting all technical?

Well, that's, I mean, you're asking another large language model to do something.

I know, but it did show German soldiers that were wearing Nazi swastikas that were multiracial.

I'm just saying, it didn't, it didn't, the question would have to be specific when you're talking about these things.

Okay, that's why.

German soldier, which happened to be Nazi.

I was trying to put that music stuff all night, and you have to be very specific when you want

to be able to do it.

I don't think there's any possibility that it could be something that

we have control over, not control, that we have control over, and we use it for, like, don't you think we've always been scared about everything about science, about microscopes, about social media?

The printing press.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

they were terrified when people first developed trains.

They thought people's bodies were going to explode if they went over 35 miles an hour.

Yeah.

It's just this is the human error removed is sick.

Those Waymo cars are sick.

The doctors using ChatGPT, they're doing such a better job.

Yeah.

No, there's definitely a lot of pluses.

The problem is control.

It's always the problem.

And

every

person that has an enormous amount of power should be carefully scrutinized.

And the kind of power that you're going to have if you are in control of essentially a digital god,

like it becomes a problem when human beings are involved.

Now, if they become completely autonomous, then you have a problem with us being irrelevant.

But that's what I'm talking about, that situation where they become autonomous.

That's what I'm referring to.

So say we have an autonomous entity.

Why would it kill us?

We don't go.

You know what I mean?

Well, I'm not saying it would.

I don't think it would.

I don't think it would kill us, but it would probably give us incentive to not breed, which I think if I was an intelligent life force, I would kind of do it exactly the way our society is already going.

Yeah, we're already doing it.

Like right now.

We're doing it to ourselves, but that might be by design, is my point.

It might be that in order to not alarm us, that this artificial intelligence has engineered our diet and our environment to kill our reproductive system.

And it's already doing it, but it's doing it in a very innocuous way with microplastics and a bunch of, it's doing it in a way where we don't even know what's happening, and it's just happening.

On the same coin, it could be like, hey, what if we actually perpetuated the species and got it back to life like the pandas?

I don't think that's going to happen.

I think what's going to happen is we are going to become hybrids.

We're going to become a cyborg, like a real legitimate cyborg.

I'm stoked about that.

Are you?

Yeah.

You'd be first in the line.

Oh, my God.

Give me the freaking parts.

You see, I faint at blood.

No more blood.

Make me a cyborg.

I'm happy.

I love metal.

I love scrap metal.

I love cars.

Make me a fucking car, dude.

I hate this gooey thing.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know it's going to be unprecedented.

It's going to be a new thing.

I'm surprised.

The one thing that did freak me out is a guy the other day at a bachelorette party had the goggles on that was recording us.

Oh, God.

When I realized that, when I was like, oh, shit, AI is going to take in.

Everything.

All of the information.

Yeah.

There's a lot of people wearing the metal glasses everywhere, which is like, at one point, you're like, oh, well, it's cool, new technology.

Another thing you're like, but yeah, but people probably don't even fucking know they're getting recorded, and that's kind of crazy.

Yeah.

It's kind of weird.

Well, also, I don't like the idea of all these digital images of things.

Like if they, if it could

be printed out into matter and you could look at it, but the idea of like your entire life, like even us with the fucking iPhones, all these photos stressed me the fuck out, dude.

Why?

Because it's so much, because there's something about it, because it, when you have a photo, you're in the present with a past photo right like i'm i'm sitting here in this reality with a past reality that i can hold right the weird giant vortex of memory is almost like my vortex of memory you know what i mean like neither of them have matter my memory in my brain and this brain here i don't like that i think that I want the memory to be contained in matter or in my memory.

I don't like this being a brain.

And I don't like it holding pictures of all of my past.

Well, I think when you say, I want to be a cyborg, that's you're going to hold all of it.

And you're going to have a hard drive.

So instead of having a memory where it's followable right now, like your memory is like weird, like, when did we do that?

Was that in November?

Oh, my God.

That was November?

You'll have an actual memory just like you have on your phone where you can go back to the like for you, you know, like you know, like it suggests you on this day and you go to like 2017, like, oh my god.

Oh, my God.

They're so young.

Oh, my God.

Look.

that would feel less disembodied than this fucking weird unit that we're all addicted to you know what i mean it's already a part of us it's so weird that it's just man and unit every year

the unit you could just put down

you think it'll be you could put the unit down you think we're gonna be cyborgs like it's gonna be uh-huh yeah like human beings will have a chip in their brain that any time i'm like what year was that it might not even be a chip it might be a wearable

wearable you can put down they might be able to have something that you put on the top of your head you know with electrodes that touch your temples and it just sends signals into your brain and works from there i mean who knows i it's so cutting edge and then once ai gets into the picture right and ai if you get sentient ai and you get ai that understands like how human neurotransmitters work and what to stimulate what not to stimulate it might devise ideas that we never even anticipated in terms of like how to implement this technology and it'll probably figure out how to make it better and yeah and then it'll be off to the races i was so scared today because i texted my friend suicidal like she texted me about something and i wrote like uh tongue in cheek i'm suicidal right like i'm not actually but i wrote it and i was like my phone is now going to send me so many fucking don't kill yourself stuff does it do that yeah dude every time i text some like that i'll go on instagram and it'll be like don't do this seek help blah blah blah or that's what's creepy is that your fucking instagram knows what you're texting to your friends.

Yeah.

I've had two people recently be like, do you ever think it like, like, sometimes I'll think a thought and an ad will come up.

That's coming.

And two people in one week said that to me.

Yeah, but doesn't that just mean it's a coincidence?

That means you're relying on coincidence.

Watch this thing I sent you yesterday.

I didn't.

What is it?

All right, so this got announced yesterday.

They do not describe it.

Oh, yeah, I did.

I did.

I forgot.

Yeah, go ahead.

It allows telepathic communication in some way with a headset.

They're clearly connected to something and they don't show show that but these two guys start talking

those guys aren't real oh they're real oh sorry

why does it have

what's this music

oh

it's a dog

oh the apple vision

so this one is actually translated let me go back to these two guys talking no way these guys just have the telepathy tapes all together it's showing like they're trying to have a communication

about food.

They're not speaking.

It's really hard to hear this.

That's crazy.

He describes that you could be in a party and both have the headset on.

And think words.

All right, these fuckers have to be stopped.

This is too crazy.

Yeah, now you're different, right?

Yeah, that's not okay.

I like how you swing one way or the other.

No,

it's not like that.

Dude, these dorks, these dorks in fucking coffee shops are not.

I'm going to use my alter ego to go

give you a travel tip.

It translates that into Hindi.

So it starts off in English, which is it to Hindi.

Whoa.

And the weird thing, which was you guys were just describing, they don't talk about how this works yet.

They literally just put up a video on Twitter yesterday.

Like, if you want more information, go to our website.

And so you're describing, like, if they have a way to get brain waves in some way.

All right.

Yeah, I'm out on this.

I'm out on this.

Especially when I see the kids that are doing it.

I'm like, these kids are just fucking dorks who are getting so far.

They're going to look like aliens.

This isn't like the agents from the Matrix.

People with big heads.

Yeah.

That's what's going to happen.

But if it was the agents from the Matrix, like some attractive men in, you know, sunglasses and suits, I'd be like, okay, what you guys have planned is probably better than reality.

But those fucking dorks being like, this is what we're doing now.

I think no matter what we do, technology is going to keep moving.

No matter what we do.

China's going to do it.

Russia's going to do it.

Everybody with power is going to do it.

Anybody that has the resources, resources, they're going to keep pushing this technology.

And if you just think, where's it going?

Well,

it's going in that direction.

You're going to become a part of some fucking giant hive mind.

We're all going to be sharing thoughts together and some bizarre buzz of information that we all suck from.

It's going to be real weird.

It is going to be weird, but then you could have the unpluggers, which would be nice.

Well, that's what it's going to be when you go to the club and you put your phone in the yonderbag.

You talk some shit.

Do stand-up.

Yeah, totally.

Well, I think it's one of the reasons why people love going to a comedy club now.

And especially when you make them put their phone in the yonder bags.

Because it's a game changer.

Oh, that's everything.

You could actually pay attention.

You actually focus.

You're there.

You're living in the present moment instead of constantly checking your tweets.

People, you know.

It's an addiction, man, and it's a new one, right?

It's one that didn't exist for our parents.

They never had to deal with it.

And we're growing up with this very bizarre connection to the whole world.

And a lot of it's negative.

A lot of it's not.

And it's also manipulated.

A lot of it's bots.

I guess I'm hoping it also gets so bad it gets better.

Like I'm hoping that, not to use the matrix again, that there will be a point where you can be like, I'm disconnecting for everything.

Whereas right now it feels like we have to engage with it.

Yeah.

Like it would be nice to get to a point where it's like a, oh, are you on or off?

I'm off.

And you're like, oh, okay, I won't try.

Do you ever just disconnect your

house?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Totally.

It disappear.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, and I just put this healthy.

I have like a safe where I lock my phone.

Oh,

good for you that's lock my phone and lock candy candy and your phone the same yeah what's harder candy or the phone candy yeah fuck the phone yeah candy rules dude candy's so good the phone sucks it stresses me out little candy fishes those are my favorite swedish fish yeah i just had a real one from swedish

most of them forgeries the fake the red ones this fake swedish fish those are american bullshit the swedish fish are black no from sweden really interesting It probably doesn't have our nasty chemicals for the dyes.

Yeah, the Red 40.

Yeah.

Is RFK against Red 40?

I think so.

Dude, it's so funny watching RFK go through the lesbian moms that I have.

Like, you know, because they're so liberal.

So they're like, fuck RFK.

And then at one point, he's like,

I want to bring back raw milk.

And I said to watch my entire town of Ithaca be like, well, we do love raw milk.

We actually like that quite a bit because they're like right now siphoning raw milk illegally off of farms.

It's so silly that raw milk is illegal and you go buy whiskey at Costco.

That's so weird.

It's so dumb.

Raw milk is so good.

It's really good.

Francis Ellis is all about the raw cheese and milk.

Yeah, it's good for you.

Yeah.

And for a lot of people that have lactose intolerance.

Oh, not Francis Ellis.

Jason Ellis.

Francis Ellis is a different kind of.

Oh, Jason Ellis the comedian.

Yeah, yeah.

Francis Ellis is a comedian, but he's way more into rotisserie chicken.

Yeah, it's really good for you.

Yeah.

It's just don't get it bad.

Don't get it where it's going to be.

And then what happens?

You just have a bug?

You probably get fucking ranted diarrhea.

Yeah, but whatever.

Better than a fucking cancer.

Yeah.

Well, I think your body, when it's homogenized and pasteurized, it's like, what is this?

Yeah.

With no enzymes.

What is this water protein you're making me drink that I'm going to fart out?

Yeah.

I bet we could drink endless raw milk.

I bet we could really go ham on raw milk and cheese.

Hmm.

Swedish fish is a taste supposed to be called a lingonberry.

A lingonberry.

But the black stuff is a different kind.

It's called

Solmiak, which is black salted licorice.

That shit is good.

Like that?

Is that your shit?

Ammonium chloride?

Ammonium chloride.

Nice.

Probably not better than Red 40.

I don't know.

Well, let's Google ammonium chloride.

We assume everything northern countries do is better.

I know.

It's crazy.

We assume.

They'll be in the audience and I'll be like, oh, you think you're better than me?

And they're like, no, we really like you.

White crystalline water-soluble salt.

Salt.

Oh, formed from ammonia and hydrogen chloride.

used primarily as a fertilizer, an expectorant in cold medications, and a component in soldering soldering and galvanizing fluxes to clean metal surfaces.

Also found in dry cell batteries, such as a flavoring agent in its natural form, it's called salamoniac.

I'm sure it's delicious.

It's good.

Well, it's like

monosodium glutamate.

Everybody was scared of that for the longest time.

And Bourdain and I were talking about it, and he's like, no.

He's like, it's good.

He's like, it makes the food taste better.

I go, Anthony Bourdain.

Right, it does, right?

He's like, yeah.

I go, what do you think about all the stuff about it being bad for you?

Because I think it's bullshit.

Yeah.

And what does it do?

It's just a.

Monosodium glutamate is like what they would always put.

The thing was that it was always, you would hear that it was used in Chinese food.

But it was used in

a lot of food.

I remember when I worked at Newport Creamery, they used to have some laying around.

I think...

God, what was it?

Oh, yeah, you go into places where you can.

MSG, is that what you're talking about?

Yeah, but there was a name that there was a product.

MSG enhances umami flavors with less sodium about one-third the sodium salt why NACI primarily

wasn't it called Accent wasn't there something like that where there was a monosodium glutamate product that they would have for restaurants god I can't remember what it was called

is it accent yeah there it is that's a good rebrand global food company known for immunoscience umami seasoning.

Yeah, that's it.

So they'd have like a tub of that stuff.

You'd throw it in whatever the fuck you're cooking and it made it taste better.

What was that?

But minus sodium glutamate was like the thing that everybody was always blaming.

Oh, I got to stay away from Chinese food.

That fucking MSG kills me.

And he was like, that's bullshit.

But why did we say that?

I don't know.

It's probably one of those things that we got stuck with, like saturated fat's bad for you.

Because some cunt got a lot of money from the sugar lobby.

And so they wrote some fake science and everybody bought into it.

Those guys fucked everybody so hard and they did it for 50 grand.

They did it for 50 grand like the 1960s and forever we've been fucked.

We've been fell for it for a long time.

60 years everybody's been like, oh,

go stay away from it.

Stay away from fat.

The perceptions of MSG's danger stem from the anecdotal reports and flawed early studies, not from consistent scientific evidence.

For most people, MSG does not cause health problems.

However, a small subset of the population may be sensitive to it and experience temporary mild symptoms.

So, what's the mild symptoms?

Headaches, nausea,

drowsiness, yeah, flushing or sweating.

Maybe you just ate too much, you fat fuck.

It was once called Chinese restaurant syndrome,

now known as MSG symptom complex.

These symptoms often appear within two hours and are typically mild.

Yeah, but also, you probably ate like a pig, also, whiskey again.

Difficulty breathing in rare, severe cases.

You probably drank beer and ate 50 bowls of noodles, you fat fuck.

Is RFK pro fucking, is he like pro

checking all of this stuff?

Or is he isn't he the anti just like let it all run or is he no?

He thinks you should know what's bad for you.

And if you want to take it, you should, there should be a label on the food letting you know that the stuff in there has been shown to cause X, Y, and Z.

Okay.

That's it.

Like, he's not, he doesn't say we need to get rid of cigarettes or we need to get rid of whiskey.

Like, if you don't say that, those two things, if you don't say, no more cigarettes, no more whiskey, if you don't say that, then shut up.

So the left is worried about deregulation.

Right?

Worried about deregulation.

Is that true?

Yeah,

with many things.

Yeah.

With environmental concerns, I'm sure they're worried about deregulation.

With banking and industry, they're worried about deregulation.

Is there any party that's not regulated?

That's just pro-regulation.

Me?

Is there any party that's just pro-regulation?

Regulate AI, regulate Instagram or something.

I think the Democrats Democrats are much more

interested in regulating things.

Like, if you look at the most regulated states, they're Democrat-run states.

Like, California has a lot of red tape and regulations if you want to get anything done.

Socialist is the most regulated.

Yeah, because they want control.

They want more control from the government.

They have a bigger, bloated government, and the way to keep that functioning is you've got to go through hoops and ladders to get through anything.

Anything you want to do is

control or nothing.

I feel like you have to regulate everything or regulate nothing.

No, Some regulation is good.

Like reg like your parents are contractors, right?

There's a good example.

Too much regulation there.

Too much regulation, but you need inspectors.

Fuck the inspectors.

They suck.

Okay.

You can't say that because if your family does a good job, and I'm sure they do, that's fine.

But there's a bunch of fly-by-night fuckheads that

make a house and don't follow code and then shit goes sideways.

That shit is so corrupt.

That stuff is like, that stuff, I mean, the bureaucratic bullshit that contractors have to go through is psycho.

That's true, too.

I used to be a contractor, dude.

The amount of, I should have been.

I think there's a comfortable medium.

Yeah, I don't.

My stepdad was an architect, so I grew up around construction sites as well.

So you know how frustrating that guy is.

I do, but I also know that there's a lot of shady motherfuckers that are involved in construction, and you've got to make sure these assholes follow code, otherwise this house is going to collapse and kill everybody inside.

People suck.

Some people suck, and they cut corners, they save money, they do things all half-assed, and you need someone to go and inspect it.

But then it's weird to not have regulation on other.

There's no regulation with social media.

I mean, unless it's the censorship shit.

Right.

That's it's weird.

And it's really bad for you.

Psychologically, it might be one of the worst things that's ever happened to, like, collectively, society, psychologically.

Like, if you look at Jonathan Haight's book, have you ever read his book, The Coddling of the American Mind?

No.

It's all about Jonathan Haight.

He's great.

It's all about social media and then self-harm with girls.

This is a big thing.

Self-harm, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts.

That all comes like this.

It ramps way up when social media gets introduced.

There should just be elected committees, elected psychological committee, elected philosophical committee.

Who's going to tell you you can and can't do it?

Who's going to say you should and shouldn't say things?

If you don't like it, you should get off of it.

And that's what I do.

I just stay off of it.

These kids are just off.

I know, but so is booze, right?

They have to know.

Don't do that.

It'll ruin your life.

Don't do this.

This could ruin your life too.

And it also sucks your time out.

It's a drug.

It needs to be regulated like a drug.

Who's going to be the one?

Who's going to tell you what we don't want anybody telling me I can't go on Twitter?

If I'm at home and I have nothing to do and I pay taxes,

my bills are paid.

I want to just fuck off.

Any tactic for attention monopolization has to be removed, says the committee that doesn't exist.

Like, you know how you feed them.

But it's not monopolization if you can shut it off anytime you want.

But it pulls you in.

It sends you alerts.

It gives you the dopamine thing.

I don't have alerts on.

No.

I've never had alerts on.

The kids do.

Well, they should shut that shit off.

Someone should teach them how to use it correctly.

And also tell them, like, hey, this is a lot of negativity.

And a lot of these people are wasting their life on this shit.

You're wasting your time.

But I know that.

And I just fell into a dark hellhole last night.

Like it's hard to avoid.

It's, it's...

It is, but you can do it.

I do it.

Yeah, but I can do it.

But 13-year-old Jordan would be fucking hanging from that closet at the Airbnb.

I mean, it would be rough.

15-year-old Joe would be tweeting horrible shit at every celebrity.

Oh, oh, just horrible shit.

That's the other thing.

Horrible shit.

Yeah, under fake accounts, you can make 30 different accounts.

Yeah.

Make a new Gmail address, make a new account.

All they have is that.

Maybe that should be no more fake accounts.

Yeah, but then the thing is, whistleblowers are important, right?

If someone is in the government and there's some shady shit going on and you can expose it and you don't want to die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't want to get Seth riched.

Yeah.

But isn't there another way to whistleblow, like graffiti or something?

No.

It doesn't work.

It can't go viral.

Yeah.

Billboards don't go viral.

You got to be able to express yourself without fear of consequences because there's a lot of people that don't have any power and there's a government or maybe you find out that the corporation you work for is doing some horrible shit and they're bypassing some environmental regulation and dumping toxic stuff into the ocean.

Well, maybe it just comes down to regulating the corporations and being like, bro, you can't make money off of people's data.

You can't make money off of.

That's a problem.

It's because

we didn't know when we all signed up for it that data was going to be this massive commodity.

Not only is it very valuable, but then it gives them insane power.

The people that have all that money and have all that power, now they're in control of

essentially all social discourse.

So maybe that's the thing that needs to be regulated.

I don't know.

Because when they do regulate it, then it's like,

did you ever read the Twitter files?

Did you read any of the stuff that Matt Taibbi and Schellenberger and all these guys?

When Elon purchased Twitter, one of the things they found out was the intelligence communities have been deeply embedded into Twitter, and then they were involved in suppressing certain narratives and pushing other ones.

And it was like really sketchy stuff, like dangerous, dangerous stuff.

Because if they have the power to suppress accurate, real information, then you're propagandizing to the entire country.

You're shifting narratives.

You're changing the way people think about things.

This can affect elections.

This can affect public health.

This can affect everything.

And they were doing that.

And they were doing it because they had regulation over social media.

They had power.

Now, Elon comes along and he's like, fuck that.

It's Wild West time.

And opens it wide up.

And everyone's like, oh, it's all racist now.

There's Nazis.

Like, yes, there's more of that now because it's not getting banned.

But also, there's more people that, you know, can talk about virtually anything that they want to.

And you can debate it out.

You can talk about the climate.

You can talk about the moon.

You can talk about asteroids.

You can talk about foreign governments.

You can talk about anything.

And that's better.

It's better to have people say horrible shit, but also be able to say true shit than not be able to say anything.

Yeah, but I worry about the I worry about the,

it just comes down to kids for me because they get radicalized.

I mean, when you see the racist shit and you join the tribe, it just like becomes.

They can.

They can also get radicalized.

They could also become Christians.

They could also become like hikers.

They could also really get into jiu-jitsu.

They could also

join video games.

They could join ISIS.

Yeah, ISIS.

They could also do whatever the fuck they want to do.

I mean, this is just, we got to duke it out in the battlefield of ideas.

And that's, that has to be able to take place.

You can't have people decide what you can and can't discuss.

Because the problem with that is like then they have power over you.

And they have power over the most important thing that we do as a culture, which is figure out what's right and what's wrong.

Figure out who's correct and who's incorrect.

What's a fact and what is a lie?

What is propaganda why why have they made so much money pushing this thing when there's no science behind it and if you say they then they say trust the science okay well show me what the science is and then you have people that are looking at the science that are actual scientists that get boycotted and banned from Twitter.

That's one of the things that happened during this whole FBI infiltration of Twitter or whatever the organization was that the government had that was deeply, it was multiple organizations deeply embedded.

They were kicking people off.

They were like Stanford scientists that were they were, they had a different view of how the pandemic should be handled.

They were kicking them off Twitter.

And then you get to a point where you need regulators on the regulators and who's going to regulate the regulators.

Who's going to regulate the regulators?

So you think Wild West, teach your kids correctly?

Yes.

I think that's better.

I think this is the world we're living in and it's a weird world.

But this is the reality of the world.

And you need to prepare them for the reality of the world.

Don't shield them from it.

Right.

I guess it's just technology being such a drug is an issue to me.

It is a drug, but

it feels like the government making money off of selling fentanyl.

Like that's what it feels like.

Yeah, but it's also fun for kids, too.

They're doing Snapchats and

they're having a good time, too.

It's not all negative.

You know, it's just it can be negative.

And the pile ons, like when people, like that lady, what she did to her daughter, which is the most evil fucking thing ever.

But there's groups of kids that will go after a kid and pile on them and attack them anonymously.

And, you know, kids kill themselves over things like that.

You have freaks them out.

Teens, how do they deal with it?

They're remarkably healthy.

It's very strange.

They have social media, but they're crazy about it.

Yeah, one of them just got off of everything.

She's once concentrated on her schoolwork.

She hasn't been on any social media in over 90 days.

It's very impressive.

But that's an addiction to be like 90 days of clean.

Yeah, but it's also she can do it.

It's not an addiction like, oh my God, if you ever get on social media again, now you're going to be homeless and snorting social media.

No, it's like it's a thing that's not necessarily good for you.

Just like cake.

Don't eat cake all day.

Yeah.

But if you want to have a birthday cake or you want to occasionally have a piece of cake, you have dinner, nice dinner.

Let's get some dessert.

Fuck it.

Yeah, but what about the cake?

What if every time I went to go eat cake, there was 90 other dudes in the cake shop that were being like, we should kill this group of people.

And you'd be like, fuck, I really want to eat cake, but these people keep saying that.

And maybe I believe them because I've read so much.

At some point, somebody should walk into the cake shop and be like, dude, you guys can't be here.

here.

There are laws, right?

So, like, there's free speech, but if you threaten someone, there's laws against that.

If you threaten a group?

Yes.

Yeah.

If you say, I want to kill all the Greeks in America, like someone who will come Greeks.

Nobody wants them dead.

We love them.

Nobody loves Greeks.

But if you just said something like that, yeah, someone would visit you from the FBI if you make threats against people.

But we have existing laws that already protect people from that.

Okay.

I just think most people should stay the fuck off of it because most of the people that are doing it are wasting their life.

It's crazy how I just last night was sucked into this vortex and then I just put my phone away and my dog was sitting right there.

And I was like, oh, hey, real life thing that loves me.

Also,

I had no idea that this was going on with you.

I had no idea.

I know.

It's ridiculous.

It sucks so bad because I was trying to be so, I was like actively trying to say a woke thing that I went through, patting myself on my fucking back, and it just fucking spun out of control.

You can never be woke enough because it's all horseshit.

It's all horseshit.

It's just a cult.

And it's a cult that is mostly perpetrated by people that don't have a religion.

So it behaves like a religion.

Yeah.

You can get excommunicated.

You can get cast out of the kingdom for life.

There's rules.

If you follow those rules, you'll be good.

If you're not, you're a heretic.

Yeah.

It's a religion.

And it's a religion for people that don't have a religion because there's a fucking weird part of our brain that whether you are a Democrat or a Republican,

it fits that spot.

Right.

So there's a, if you don't have something in your life that you, you think of as a higher power or at least have like some sort of ethical and moral foundation and some goal, some higher goal that you ascribe to, something will fill that spot.

There's a spot in your brain, and that spot will be, I'm a Republican, or that spot will be, I'm a liberal, and we got to, these goddamn racists and all these, all these white people, we got to get rid of white people.

White people say that.

The real problem is white people.

They'll say that.

And they'll say, they'll pat themselves on the back while they're saying it because they think they're being a good woester.

Yeah.

It's just nuts.

It's just religion.

It's just.

It's crazy how many people DM'd me and I DM'd them back being like, hey, I just want you to know, like, I'm so,

I like, totally didn't mean to hurt anybody.

And I'm really sorry if you're offended by this.

And they would just immediately be like, oh, it's totally okay.

I take back everything I said.

When what they said was like, you fucking bitch.

And I just was like, hey, I'm a person.

And they're like, oh, shit, I've completely forgot.

And I was like, oh, okay, yeah.

Everybody completely, it's a terrible way to communicate.

It's it's bizarre.

Yeah.

I mean, I fucking do it.

I talk so much shit about everything.

And then I get there and I'm like, oh, yeah, this is, I think it just feels good to believe something.

It feels so good to stand your ground on something and to be like,

I did something today that meant something, even though it doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't.

We need meaning so fucking bad.

We do.

And that's why it takes the place of religion for people who don't have religion.

But it doesn't have to be religion.

You can have it be in the, you can have it be the

no, it doesn't have to be religion.

No, but I mean, there's a spot in our brains.

Yeah.

The religion has always been there, and we've filled that spot with whatever the fuck it is, leftist politics, right-wing ideology, whatever the fuck it is.

Yeah.

You You find a thing that becomes your religion.

Totally.

People are fucking broken.

We're so weird.

It is.

But we're also wonderful.

We're fun.

When we,

you know, when we work right.

Yeah, when we're face to face.

Yeah.

I mean,

sometimes it's not, you know.

Crazy, but then you run into the person who talks shit about you and you're like, oh, hey, what's up?

Yeah.

You were just playing the video game

of hatred.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's what most people are doing on Instagram and on Twitter because it's just such an easy thing to do.

And especially if your life sucks, it's a great distraction.

You can pay attention to other people and tell fucking Jordan it fucking cunt and just say horrible shit.

And it distracts you from whatever is wrong with your life.

But the video game of like health and body perfection, like getting your getting jacked

is

like the religion that many comics are in, me too.

And it is, it does take that role a lot.

Like a lot of times when people are just hatred, I'm I'm like, just target lower belly fat.

If you want to be fucking activated about something, get fucking pissed at that.

You know what I mean?

Because it's always, I look at the picture of these people and they're just like miserable fuckers in a basement.

And I'm like, dude, just,

what if you just spent all day taking a really long bath and just cleaning that shit off you?

You know what I mean?

Instead of hating me.

Well, think about what we're talking about with OCD, those tight grooves of behavior that just get just,

it's so easy to slide into those grooves.

They're so so honed.

Yeah.

They've been used so many times.

Just an instantaneous decision to go down those pathways.

It's hard for people.

It's hard for people to snap out of them, especially people that are fragile and that are worried about getting attacked themselves.

Those are the most vicious.

Yeah.

The most fragile people are the most vicious.

They're the most mean.

The ones that are worried about being criticized themselves.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hurt people, hurt people.

True dat.

That's it.

I've done it.

I've done it.

I've hurt people.

We all have.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's normal.

It's a normal part of being a person.

It's just the social media thing,

there's very little value and a lot of negativity.

Or you could use it correctly if you're a journalist or if you're someone who's like curated a good feed and you just want to find out what's actually happening.

Yeah.

Because the world's filled with like crazy shit that happens all the time that you don't know about unless you get on Twitter.

If you just paid attention to the mainstream news, you'd miss 80% of what's going on in the world.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

I mean, there's so much.

I talk so much shit about social media, but the amount of animal videos that have brought me back from the, I mean, I found out that otters have a little skin pocket, and it's like saved my life multiple times just knowing that.

Like, that shit is so good.

Yeah.

Any fast intake of National Geographic online is like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, totally.

Well, there's like most of my time I spend, if I'm fucking off on my phone, is on YouTube.

And I don't have a problem with that because most of that is like videos.

I'm getting educated.

Yeah, I would not have been able to be a contractor without you.

Interesting, yeah.

I should have called my business.

There's so much you can learn if you just do it right.

Like, YouTube is the most amazing resource if you just do it right.

And there's just some fucking guy who's like, I'm gonna teach you exactly how to utilize this impact driver.

And you're like, Yeah, I don't know why you're doing this, but thank you.

Yeah, why are you doing that?

It's really weird.

Some of those people, they're like, I'm gonna tell you how to change a Toyota tire on a Nissan truck.

And I'm like,

that's exactly what I need.

It's crazy, right?

Right, right.

Yeah, those guys rule.

Oh, there's so much good how-to stuff that's available online.

Or you can get on Twitter and just start yelling about the Jews or

figure out a thing, whatever it is.

Yeah.

The fucking climate.

Do you understand what's happening?

We won't have an earth for our children.

You know, people go crazy.

Are you worried about your kids' future?

Of course.

Yeah, of course.

I'm worried about everybody's future.

I'm worried about their future.

I don't want anything bad to happen to them.

Just like I don't want anything bad to happen to anybody.

That's why I can't, I don't think I can have kids.

But when people say that, I'll be like, I wouldn't want to have kids today.

I'd be like, yeah, why would you with all the books and medicine and shit?

People had kids before they figured out doors.

When they say, I don't want to bring a kid into this world, like I sometimes don't want a kid just because the idea of letting my dog outside without me scares me.

But like, and I'm neurotic.

But when they say that, I'm like, you're talking about the absence of consciousness being superior to consciousness.

Yeah.

That's a paradox.

You can't say one is better than the other.

There is no better until you're born.

Not only that, there's a lot of people in my life that I love.

I have a lot of good friends.

I have a lot of people that I love.

The only way you make people is they have to be babies.

They grow up to be people that you love.

That's the game.

That's life.

You have to, if you love people, you probably love kids.

Yeah.

You just don't know it.

And you probably are, you know, terrified of responsibility, which is real.

Yeah.

But

you you can have kids.

It's, it's not bad.

Do you think everybody should do it?

No.

I think you don't, I think you can have a rich and full life and never have children.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

And I always resented that when I didn't have children.

People say, oh, you don't even know.

You don't have kids.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, okay.

Like, don't say that.

That's silly.

Didn't she alienate people?

Yeah, it changes everything.

Did it unlock like a Molly level of love?

Yes.

Chappelle had the best quote about this.

He said, not only did it change the amount of love that I have, it changed my capacity for love.

Okay.

Yeah, you don't know how much you love your dog, and I know you love your dog.

I've seen you with your dog.

Yeah.

You love your kids times a million.

But that's frightening.

That level of love.

How do you let them go to school?

Life is crazy.

Life is frightening.

You just have to learn and grow and just deal.

This is just part of the thing.

You can't just be safe forever.

You're not going to live.

You're going to die.

We're all going to.

You just have to exist.

And, you know, you have to, like when you don't don't see your friend, like, bye, and, you know, they get on a plane.

You're like, oh my God, what if the plane crashes?

What if I never see them again?

You can't live like that.

Yeah, but a child, I would be.

No, I know, I know, I know.

You had to teach yourself to chill?

Yeah.

Really?

And you still, you only chill so much.

You know, you love them so much, it's hard.

But I think there's a reason why societies like people to have children because it makes you much more concerned with law and order, makes you much more concerned with, you know, cleanliness and pollution and all of the harm that could happen to your child.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You worry more because if it's just you're selfish and you're by yourself, fuck everybody, I'm going to go get a whore.

You know, like, okay.

Yeah.

You're not really a part of this thing.

You're just kind of like

you're a leech, you know?

Like this, this thing is all of us together.

It would frustrate me if I had kids that kit people without kids have equal right to vote.

That would annoy me.

Why?

Oh, because they could vote for negative things about your kids.

It just would, it would piss me off.

I'd be like, you're not keeping a life around.

You know what I mean?

Like, you're just a selfish shitter and eater, you know?

Well, there's a lot of those selfish shitters and eaters, too, that think that somehow, because this is one of the things that people are being taught today, that somehow or another, because there's so much money in the world, like you're owed something, and they should just, we should have universal basic income, and your needs should be met.

There's a bunch of people that think that way.

Don't think that you should provide a value, that your needs should be met because there's so much wealth in the world, and that everything else, whatever the wealthy people have on top of that, that should only exist once their needs are met because there's a fake scarcity crisis in this country.

And it's really because the wealthy people have gotten so much.

But that's the Bernie bro.

Yeah.

Well, there's some truth to that, though.

Right?

There is some truth.

Like, if someone acquires all the money and everybody else is poor, obviously you have a broken system.

Yeah.

Bernie's idea was to take a small amount of stock market exchanges, just like a fraction of a penny for each one of these, and that money would all be an incredible resource that would go to education and health care and all these different quality of life things that would have a legitimate impact on society.

That's what I was interested in.

That was my most compelling thought that he had, the most compelling thought to me.

I was like, that seems like that would work.

That seemed like that would have a big impact and it would change a lot of things.

I've always been down for the tax the corporations.

I've always been down for it and not view them as having human rights.

Well, the weird thing is that they have the ability to donate insane amounts of money towards congressional campaigns and Senate.

That's fucked.

That's fucked.

So if they're going to take that, stop that.

No,

what is that called?

What is that called?

Electoral funding?

Sure.

Election funding?

There's a name for it, but stop that.

Campaign funding?

Campaign funding.

Stop that.

it's not even just that.

It's like it's funding super PACs.

It's funding NGOs.

There's a lot of shit that goes on that's just really about influence.

But if you get a corporation that's making that much money, tax the shit out of it for schools.

Well, not a bad idea.

You got to be able to make money.

The real problem with corporations is they have to always make more money.

Like if you have a responsibility for your shareholder, if you're a CEO,

every quarter, you have to make more money.

Like the idea is like you're doing really well.

You're making more money.

And the only way to really keep making, they never go, we're good.

Hey, everybody, we're good.

Why not?

Because they're cunts.

Oh, okay.

Because like you get to this, that's the game they're playing.

They're playing the I Want More Money game.

They're not playing the Let's Make the World a Better Place game because it's a corporation.

So it's a sociopath.

It acts like a sociopath.

Have you ever seen like

when they've done these studies where they're like, well, look at the behavior of a corporation.

It's basically a psychopath.

That's why I think they should fund the shit.

It's crazy how much the middle class is taxed.

What they really fucked up was with the stock market in general, in the first place.

The stock market is so weird to me.

I will not put any money in it.

I buy gold and I buy a house and I buy a car.

I buy a watch, but I won't do the stock market.

But it's crazy that everybody gets to be involved in like IBM.

That is so weird to me.

It's weird.

But I'm not allowed to say this because people go, oh, no, Jordan, you got to put it into a fund that is an index.

And I'm like, I don't have to gamble.

I grew up white trash.

Gambling is a bad thing.

Yeah, but in my family.

You're not allowed to do that.

The thing is, it is a real thing and it does work.

Look at Nancy Pelosi.

She's got half a billion dollars.

Right.

She did it in a shady way.

Is that good that she has that?

No.

It's not good.

No.

My friends who are like, it's not going to make her live longer.

She's 82 fucking years old.

She looks terrible.

Right.

Like, it's the end is nigh.

Stop working.

And my friends are like, I made 50 grand off Bitcoin.

And I'm like, you just put it back into Bitcoin.

You're going to keep it in Bitcoin because now you're stuck in an addiction until it's gone, until it tanks.

You know what I mean?

Nobody that I know is like, I'm pulling out.

Maybe a couple.

Some people have, and they've made a lot of money.

That's great.

Yeah.

I have one friend who did that, very proud of him, but typically it keeps you in it.

It's like the same people that stay off social media.

They're rare.

They're rare, but they utilize the system.

Yeah.

When I was micro-dosing, I could do that.

I could post and be like, I'm not going to be able to do it.

Why'd you stop micro-dosing?

Because I was in and out of a relationship that when I would micro-dose, my brain would be like, bro, what are you doing?

You got to get out of this thing.

And I'd be like, okay, just won't micro-dose.

But

I'm back to it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I get that.

When it shows you a truth that you cannot handle.

Yeah.

You'll be like, yikes, but I don't want to be alone.

I would take the mushrooms and they'd be like, you're better.

Come on.

This guy is like mean to you.

You're a cool chick.

And I'd be like, shut up.

I'm not cool.

The mean to you is gross.

I'm so, it's the best, though.

It's my heart.

Yeah, I hate back and forth.

I like fighting, yeah.

Fighting in the makeup sex.

I just like somebody who's very honest and is like, that's a stupid thing that you did.

That's a good thing that you did.

It's very different.

tact.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, you got to be able to do it with someone when you calm them down and say it rationally.

Yeah.

And you got to say you love them first.

And you got to say nice things first.

Yeah, that was the problem.

There's none of that.

Yeah, totally.

But the mushrooms would be like...

It would become, I'd be immediately be lucid and be like, you can love a person and not be miserable.

Those two things can happen at once.

You can love somebody and not be in a relationship with them because it doesn't work.

So I was like, okay, we're not going to micro-dose.

Yeah, I'm on the fence about micro-dosing, but I think for some people, it seems to be a giant quality of life enhancer.

It just tells you when to stop.

You can't do it that long.

You can do it for like two weeks.

Micro-dosing?

Yeah, and then it doesn't do shit.

And then you have to stop.

Well, that's probably good, too.

It's probably like most things.

You know, you shouldn't drink every day.

If you want to go on a vacation for two weeks, you're going to get hammered.

Yeah.

It's good.

But the mushrooms will be like, I mean, they'll just be like, dude, why do you?

It never gets addicting.

But I did it a lot during the pandemic, and it helped.

I know some people that got addicted to the idea of like spiritual awakening.

Oh, the ayahuasca people.

Oh, yeah.

Some of those people get cooked.

They get cooked.

They get overcooked and they start reading poetry on Instagram.

You're like, yo.

Oh, my God.

When I get the text message, it's like, hey, I love you so much.

I'm like, damn, we did another ayahuasca journey.

No, that's cool, though.

Someone just saying they love you is nice.

That's nice.

Harry sent me an I love you message the other day.

I was like, what were you on?

It's like Molly.

dude.

He's gone for a while, right?

He's like in South America or something.

He's off the fucking reservation.

He is so inspiring to me with comedy where he'll be like, I'm taking, I'm stopped.

I'm not doing it right now.

Well, he's very smart.

He's so smart.

Yeah, he's very smart.

He did the whole sp I mean, Eric Abrams and my whole team did it, but Ari, like every step of the way, would be calling me every day and be like, what are you doing?

Do this.

And I'd be like, I don't know what I'm doing.

He'd be like, tell everybody to pause.

Do that.

I mean, it was crazy.

Ari's very strong in his beliefs.

Some of his opinions are terrible, though.

Ari famously told me to never put out a three-hour podcast.

You got to edit it.

In the beginning, he goes, Why is your podcast three hours?

I said, because that's how I felt like talking for three hours.

You should edit it.

No one's going to listen for three hours.

Three hours when you were just starting it out?

Oh, yeah.

I always did it three hours.

I'm like, they don't have to.

How long have we done this?

They don't listen.

Almost three hours.

Jesus.

No.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

How do you do it?

It's a time warp in here.

It is a time warp.

Yeah.

Because we're locked in.

So if you're really locked in, if you're having a really locked in with someone, you're really having, it seems like what if you don't get locked in?

It happens sometimes.

Really?

Yeah.

Some podcasts are women.

No.

Men too?

Sure.

Non-comics?

Oh, yeah.

Non-comics.

Even some comics.

You're like, God, I have nothing in common with this guy.

You know?

Brutal.

That's like when I'm in therapy and I'm talking about yet another breakup and my therapist is it's the worst feeling ever.

And I'm like, well, you need to lock in right now.

Yeah, lock it in.

But you've had not lock-in days.

Have you ever had it be your fault?

Oh, I guess.

Probably.

Yeah.

What do you do?

I mean, I try.

I mean, at this point, I'm pretty good at it.

So I know, like, how to finagle a conversation.

You know, generally, I look for a blunt.

I'm like, okay, I got to check.

Oh, I have to change my body.

I got to fucking fire this up and make fun of this.

Oh, you're pro-weed.

You're a weed guy.

I love weed.

You love weed.

Oh, I love it.

Okay, I just started using weed for sleep.

Well, it's weird for sleep.

Okay, but it's the only thing that's ever worked ever.

Oh, really?

Do you use edibles?

Flour the other day, edibles the other day, and yeah.

But the thing is, I think it prevents you from going into REM sleep or it hinders your REM sleep.

Yeah, but it lets you watch.

It lets you watch yourself enter sleep, which rules.

Like being like, and goodbye is sick.

Because every morning you wake up and you go, I don't remember falling asleep, but on weed, you're like, this is it.

Here it is.

Which is not

that.

No, I know a lot of people that use it for sleep.

I know a lot of people that always hated weed and used to, like, when I would smoke, they were like,

weed makes you lazy.

I'm like, it doesn't.

I'm telling you, it doesn't.

You're lazy.

Weed does not make you lazy.

That's me.

I always thought weed makes you lazy, but now I'm using it for sleep.

Yeah, I thought it too until I was 30.

I met my friend Eddie.

My friend Eddie Bravo was the one who got me high for the first time when I was like 30 years old.

I hadn't gotten high since I think I got high like maybe a small handful of times when I was a comedian, when I first started doing comedy rather.

And then before I was a comedian.

Like maybe my whole life, maybe seven, eight times ever being high, ever, until I was 30.

No, I just didn't like not being in control.

Yeah.

You know, I always associated people who did drugs with people who never got anything done, and they were a bunch of fucking losers.

And I never wanted to be that.

If you smoked a blunt right now, you would have no fear that it could turn.

a bad way.

No.

You don't have any of the like, my heart's going to stop.

I can hear my blood in my ears.

Oh, no.

You don't have any of that.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Have you ever?

Sure.

I've gotten paranoid before.

Yeah.

When you write it out.

Well, I had to figure out why.

And generally, it's like there's something bothering me in life.

There's something.

So the real thing about it is it exposes something that's bothering you.

Well, you should go probably fix that.

Yeah, but what if the thing that's bothering you is that you can't deal with the fact that you have skin?

You know what I mean?

That's what happens to me when I smoke weed is I'm like, this shit has got to go.

It's crazy.

You have a different mind than me, I guess.

My shit.

That's the thing I wouldn't recommend it for everybody.

I know people who can't smoke.

They don't like being paranoid.

I like it.

I like being paranoid.

Yeah, some of you fuckers love that shit.

I like being a little smooth.

Because then after the panic, you're like, I'm good now.

You're good, but also it's good to know, like, maybe you have blinders on and there's some real vulnerabilities.

in the world and you should probably consider them sometimes.

Have you ever had a crazy crazy one that you were like, that's not right.

That's crazy.

No, not that bad.

I've just been real paranoid before.

Just super high, like, yikes.

And then you calm down.

You're like, whoo.

Once it's over, you're fine.

It's crazy for you to be paranoid because you're like one of the people that should be paranoid.

You have like Lizard Man coming after you or whatever his name is.

What's his name, Lizard Guy?

Liver King.

Liver King.

What happened?

Yeah, if anybody should be paranoid, I should probably be a little paranoid.

But anybody in the public eye should be a little paranoid.

Anybody, you included.

Yeah, I should have been high.

I deleted some stuff.

Yeah, for sure.

For sure.

But like, whoa,

this has got to come down.

Well,

I think marijuana is a tool like everything else.

I think you can learn things from it.

And I think it's like steroids for comedy.

You can come up with some stuff when you're high that I don't think is available.

Yeah, I don't think those thoughts are available if you're sober.

There's things that I wrote that I wrote when I was high.

I was like, there's no way I was writing that without any help.

Yeah, I guess I've had it a little bit, but I have to hit the sweet spot or I go right into panic.

Oh, yeah, the sweet spot.

Yeah.

That's the key.

You know what helps me if I always have a Xanax somewhere.

Oh, no.

Like it just exists in my

so I just know that there's a bullet that I can pull.

That's a crazy one.

That's a scary addictive one.

Xanax is so addictive.

Yeah.

Jordan Peterson, speaking of which, he was on that shit.

I thought it was Klondike Bar,

Klonopin.

I thought he was on him clondyx.

Well, he was definitely on benzodiazepine for a long time.

That shit.

That's Xanax.

And so

that's one of the ones where you get off of Xanax, where

you could die.

There's only a couple of drugs where if you get off of it, you could die.

Alcohol is another one.

Alcohol is on, yeah.

Yeah, but Xanax is another one.

And it's really hard for people.

Dude, I bought Klonopen in Mexico, and I was like, I'm just going to use this when I have a panic attack.

Dawn.

Dawn in two weeks.

Every night I was being being like, well, might as well take a little, but I feel a little angry.

And I was like, oh, you need to never allow this around you.

I got a Xanax the other day and my friend was like, you can have as many as you want.

And I was like, I need one and never give me another again because this is the thing that I'll keep it just in case.

Just like break glass in case of war.

Break glass.

It's a break glass pill.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, yeah.

Or else I fuck our benzos are fucking, dude, glasses.

I've heard.

No.

I was on a flight once with a lady and she

said, there is nothing in this world that's better than a a Xanax and a glass of wine.

Yeah.

And I was like, I don't think you're supposed to drink with Xanax.

She's like, Nope.

It's too late.

She's still sick, dude.

That lady didn't give a fuck.

What was what I did the other day?

Poppers?

Oh, no.

Amyl Nitrate?

Poppers, dude.

I had no idea because I don't do anything.

And I was dancing at a wedding, and my gay friend was like, sniff these.

Oh, gay guys love that.

Dub,

just a mini rave for a second.

How much did you do?

A lot.

How many times did you do it?

Enough where I felt fucked up.

Like five.

Wow.

I know.

It gives you like instant brain damage.

Yeah, that's what it felt like.

That's what it felt like.

I think it does.

Yeah.

I think it's like it cooks.

It's really, it's got to be bad.

Because I went from being such a downer to being like, marriage is stupid to being like,

it was crazy.

I was dragging people in.

Yeah.

But that's like the brain damage from the boxing where you're like, dude, sometimes I need to be a little stupid for a second or else I'm just just constantly being like, society is evil.

I wonder what's worse for you, amyl nitrate or boxing.

I don't know.

What's the side effects of amyl nitrate?

Because I know a lot of the gay fellas like it when they bought them.

What it's actually made for is to relieve pain of angina attacks.

Oh, which I only

get that.

What is angina?

What the fuck?

I thought it was on your analog between your anus and your vagina.

Angina.

What is the side effects of amylonitrate abuse?

Angina attacks the chest pain, discomfort caused by reduced blood flow to the heart.

Oh.

Okay.

And so amyl nitrate reduces that?

That's the.

It reduces the pain of it.

Oh.

Because it relaxes the blood vessels and increases the blood and oxygen to the body.

Also, it relaxes that booty hole.

Yeah, it makes the butthole open.

Woo!

I was worried I was going to shoot my pants when I did it.

No.

Yeah, but I didn't do it.

I think other things have to happen for you to shoot your pants.

Yeah, a gay man has to try and have sex with me.

Someone has to pound you in the asshole.

Side effects, headaches, dizziness, flushing, rapid heart rate.

I got some more severe risk, life-threatening blood condition called methamoglobin.

Methomogenia.

Say that.

Help me out.

Methamogenia.

Methamoglobinia.

And dangerous drops in blood pressure, especially when combined with other drugs.

Methomoboglobin.

Does it cause brain damage?

Google does amyl nitrate brain damage.

Dude, you better say that it does, or else I'm doing that right now.

Damage didn't come right up.

Oh, fuck.

Let's see.

It can cause both acute and long-term brain damage.

Why wouldn't it come up immediately?

Primarily through two long-term, acute and long-term brain damage.

Primarily through two mechanisms, oxygen deprivation and direct neurotoxicity.

Severe or prolonged exposure can lead to permanent cognitive and neurological issues.

Yeah, I mean, you feel that immediately when you sniff it.

You're like,

this can't be good.

This is, it feels like somebody's hitting the back of the bed and you're like,

it's so crazy.

It's like Whippets.

Oh, but way more, right?

It's way stronger.

Yeah, it lasts way longer.

I did Whippets at the Newport Creamery place that I worked at because we had like real whippets.

Like whipped cuts.

With like a giant whipped cream canister, like a huge one.

That's sick.

Like the real things where you make the whipped cream.

We'd have to pour the sugar and pour the cream and then mix it.

Yeah.

If I do that with a whipped cream bottle, aren't you not allowed to use any of the whipped cream?

That's always been my problem.

Oh, we had the gas.

We had the actual gas back there.

We had one of the kids that we worked with was a total dirtbag and he knew how to get high off the gas.

We would all go back there and get high with this guy.

That's so fun.

I only did it like once or twice because you hit it and you like, you like have like almost like an out of body.

Like, whoa, whoa.

Like, whoa.

It's awesome.

Yeah.

And it only lasts like 15, 20 seconds.

And I was like, oh my God.

You're dumb enough as it is.

Don't get dumber.

Right.

It's always the idiots in the back of the place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just used to get so high.

I used to smoke a blonde every morning before school.

And I just would get, I was so crazy stupid.

And then when I got older, my brain was just like, you can't have any more of this.

If you do, you're going to bite your tongue up.

It's definitely probably not good for kids.

Oh, yeah.

Weird.

You're getting high all the time on your kids.

It's like, God.

Like, you're developing.

Your brain's developing while it's constantly being bombarded by THC.

That's not good.

My dad was just such a weed guy.

He was like, you can smoke weed with me whenever you want.

Oh, that's funny.

Have you smoked weed with your kids ever?

No.

Oh, yeah.

You can see that's appropriate.

But I told them, we've had conversations about drugs, and I said the most important thing is stay away from any and all pills for a bunch of reasons.

Not just because what the pill supposedly is is bad for you, but because I bet what's in that pill is not what's supposed to be in there because of fentanyl.

And they know that.

And powder.

Coke coke is fucked oh yeah coke is fuck i think coke is the worst well it's all fentanyl now it's all there's so much fentanyl and there's fake xanaxes and fake and they're all fentanyl there's molly fake molly it's all fentanyl just like and the fentanyl if it's small enough is fine well it's so much it's so small the amount that can kill you have you ever seen the amount of fentanyl that is lethal that that cop showed no like have you ever seen like in comparison to a penny there's a photograph on the internet of the amount of fentanyl in comparison to a penny that's lethal that will 100% put you in the fucking ground.

Fentanyl is also so small.

It's the best feeling ever, though, when you go under for surgery and they give it to you.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

What did you get surgery on?

Do they give you fentanyl?

I used to be so fat that I had all this skin and I got it cut off.

Yo.

How painful was that?

Afterwards, brutal.

Oh.

They kind of shuttled me out pretty fast.

They were like, all right, up and out.

I can't.

Go home.

It was crazy.

Draining.

Yeah.

Go home and drain.

Draining.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It had to go, though.

It was in the way.

You must be happy now, right, that you did it?

Yeah, totally.

It was stuck in my, it was getting my zipper.

Oh, yeah.

I was happy to talk.

Yeah, like a dick.

It was awful.

Ouchie.

I've only caught my dick in my zipper like two or three times in my life.

That's brutal.

It's not fun.

How do you catch it in there?

Wait, why is your dick up that high?

Oh, I see.

Baggy pants.

But he's just not paying attention, like going raw dog.

It's weird that you guys have a whole external package down there.

That you just have balls on the outside.

The balls on the outside is the dumbest fucking invention of all the money.

I'm sorry about that.

The itchiness and the wet.

That's not the problem.

The problem is getting kicked there.

Oh, yeah.

That's the problem.

Yeah.

But

evolution had to give you that.

You had to add something.

I guess.

Yeah.

I guess.

We have so many problems.

It's just to keep them from overheating.

Because you need sperm.

Where they hang.

Yeah.

Well, they have to be able to cool in the breeze.

Because if they're getting overheated, it's not good for you.

It's not good for them.

It's crazy that you just have a unit dangling off your body that's keeping it set.

It's crazy.

And it's the most vulnerable part of your body other than your eyeballs.

Yeah.

And it's just hanging out there.

It helps, though.

Men are very intimidating.

It helps that you guys have that.

And you have a spot to hit.

Totally.

It helps.

I don't think we would mate with you easily without the balls.

Interesting.

Sometimes when the penis goes in and the balls touch you, you go, oh, yeah, he's just a person.

This is safe.

You know what I mean?

Because you have two squishy guys that are like, don't worry about this fucker.

He's just hard, you know?

But it helps us remember that you're fallible.

The balls do.

Totally.

Okay.

If you guys were just rods running around, we'd be like, go away!

Well, imagine if you didn't have to get hard to have sex.

Like, you didn't have to be aroused.

That would be crazy.

Like, animals.

Animals just have a bone.

Oh.

Yeah.

How do they...

They don't have to get hard?

Uh-uh.

Dogs get the red rocket.

But they have a bone, though.

Ew.

There's a bone in there.

In there?

Yeah, yeah.

You could break your dog's dick?

What is that bone called again?

We have one out there.

A giant fossilized walrus bone.

Baculum.

Vaculum, that's right.

It's a bone.

Yeah.

I think all animals have it except human beings.

Monkeys can't have it.

Do monkeys have a vaculum?

I don't know that they're not.

Probably not.

They're always jacking off.

They're always jacking off, dude.

Every zoo you go to.

You have to cover the children's eyes.

Chimps, gorillas, monkeys.

Oh,

it's like it's designed to be jacked off.

It's right there where your hand drops.

Some species?

Yeah, only some species.

But like a little fuzzy ones.

But not the ones that look like us.

Deer have it, right?

I'm pretty sure deer do.

Matter of fact, I know they do.

And so do like moose and elk and what mammals don't.

Primates, oh, it's present in some species within the orders of primates.

Rodents and carnivora.

I don't know what that is.

Bears, dogs, and walruses all have a bone.

Because like you don't have time to get hard, okay?

You're out there in the wild.

Shit's crazy.

They just slide it in?

Just bram it in there.

Burp.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was just thinking that would be a really fun, if that's where the term, if you lack a backbone, the backbone.

I don't think that's where it comes from.

I don't think so.

Our premate ancestors did have one, suggesting it was lost through evolution.

That's kind of weird.

Probably lost when the aliens came down and manipulated us.

When was that lost?

When women

don't, really?

Wow.

But cats have like a hook dick where they get stuck.

A barb.

Yeah, have you ever heard cats where they're stuck together?

And they're fucking ass to ass and they can't get loose and they're fucking kicking each other.

Not present in humans.

Present in the peanuts of some primates.

Gorillas and chimpanzees have baculums.

Wow.

What?

Chimpanzees have them?

Yep.

Wow.

Rodents, baculums.

When did we lose them?

When what evolutionary step did we take to lose them?

When the aliens came.

I think it's probably when women started being like, that guy, I want that guy's genes and not that guy's.

Right?

Maybe.

Because if I kept getting loads blown in me by betas,

it doesn't serve our population.

Right.

I have to be like, that alpha male's sick.

Right.

So I'm going to rub my monkey butt.

Like it.

Yeah.

Whereas other species, it's like, it's a free-for-all.

Yeah.

Well, other species also, I bet we probably got rid of it as soon as we figured out habitation.

So as soon as we figured out homes and doors and we could structure, you know, like keep people out.

Yeah, yeah.

You'd be like that, Mike.

Yeah, totally.

Her theory is an aligned with, I think, Richard Dawkins' theory, sort of.

Oh, look at this.

Proposed honest advertising as an evolutionary explanation for the loss of the baculum.

The hypothesis states that if erection failure is a sensitive early warning of ill health, aha, physical or mental, females could have gauged the health of a potential mate based on his ability to achieve erection without the support of a baculum.

Everybody I date has penis problems.

Every comic needs a blue chew, so I shouldn't be letting any of their baculums in my baculum.

Oh, no.

Dude, are you only dating comics?

Is that I'm not anymore.

I'm done, but that's what I've done forever.

And musicians, which is the same thing.

Basically.

Yeah.

Same person.

But constant blue chew.

It's crazy to be at a group of comics.

Well, that's a crazy new thing, right?

Like, what did they do in the 60s?

I think they said, hey, I have a problem where sometimes I don't get hard.

And here's the things I could use from you to help.

And now they just go, nope, I'm hard, which is psychic.

Here's the things that I could use from you to help the won't work on everybody.

But this is like the selection thing.

It would keep those guys from breeding.

Oh, that's right.

That's probably what it is.

People of ill health.

Like, there's probably a reason why your dick can't get hard.

Blue Chew dick is so weird.

It feels like a strap-on.

And it's attached to somebody who's anxious.

And then it's just this rock hard dick.

It doesn't make sense.

Because you're like, this guy's afraid to be here.

And that dick is not his dick.

That's somebody else's is fucking afraid to be here you get guys that are afraid oh yeah totally where they're like oh it's not even yeah there's something about the stand-up and the

it's i think people just think that i'm gonna be mean to them oh

that's it because you're funny yeah totally and if you're funnier than the guys you're fucking that's a pro problem yeah yeah which i don't think i've ever had sex with somebody above me in comedy That's a problem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

They're scared of you.

I think they're scared of me and they also are scared of, yeah, I think it's mainly they're scared of looking foolish and having to be like

you're in her act.

Yeah, totally.

Dude, the amount of dating app people that are like, I don't want to be in your act.

I'm like, fuck you.

We've never even met, you piece of shit.

It's so crazy how many people say that.

Yeah, the dating app thing is wild.

Yeah.

When I see people just like constantly scrolling and picking people and choosing people, my single friends that are on dating apps, that's an addiction unto itself itself because there's always someone waiting.

Yeah.

There's always some new, this is not, I don't like the way she smiles.

Fuck this.

I'm out of here.

And then next thing you know, you've got three or four more dates lined up.

Well, it's ruined dating because everybody has a queue of people they can date.

So they go on a date.

I know so many people who are like, I walked out after five minutes and I'm like,

you don't know that person.

And also it'd probably benefit you to have an hour-long conversation with somebody.

Like as opposed to being like, sorry, we're not compatible.

Right.

But I think women are worried about guys getting fixated on them and then not leaving them alone and then texting them and fucking with them and then being mean when they get rejected.

That's the best.

The DMs I have that are like, just please,

I love you so much.

And then, oh,

and I'm like, wow.

I never have responded once.

It's crazy.

They do get fixated for sure.

But then you, yeah, but then you have to, then it teaches you to set boundaries, which is good to be like, hey, man, I'm not going to text with you anymore.

You got to chill.

All that's going to go away when you put on the headset.

I know.

When it goes,

and we all lock in and we'll go

to the fuck off.

Well, you're going to read their minds, too.

You're going to know, oh my God, this guy's a total sociopath.

He doesn't give a fuck about anybody but himself.

Everything he's saying is a lie.

That's so fucked up.

For people with OCD who are like, what if I kill that cat?

And they just get.

No, no, no, no.

You'll probably be able to see why they think that way.

Like, oh, no, no, no, you're okay.

Like, you're just freaking out.

And maybe you won't think that way when you're embraced by this hive mind.

Maybe you'll abandon all that.

Maybe that'll be like one of the great side effects of it.

It would be good for people, like my best friend was paralyzed from the C2 down, and it'd be good to read her mind and be like, what is actually the pain coming from?

Because she was like, I don't know if there's pain.

Right.

You know?

Well, we had the guy on who had the very first Neuralink, and he's paralyzed.

He paralyzed like a diving accident.

And

he uses his head now to control his computer.

Like he can play video games with just the chip, so he can't move his arms.

And he's playing video games.

And he says, it's like, I have an aimbot because I point to what I want to shoot and, like, immediately shoot at it.

Eye movement?

His brain.

His brain moves the cursor around.

That's awesome.

How?

I don't know.

Like, he just moves it around.

I can feel like that.

Somehow or another,

the way the computer interfaces with the neurochip, so the brain interfaces with the chip, which interfaces with the computer, and somehow or another, you can control movement.

And they're getting better and better at it.

That's crazy.

Which is the problem for the people that got the first one.

Okay, you're going to be able to pull that out and give me a new one?

Yeah.

Or is this the one?

When I asked him about that, I was like,

is this like it?

And he's like, I think this is the only one that I can get.

I mean, maybe as technology advances, they'll be able to take this one out and put a new one in.

But at one point in time, like the wires were coming out and it wasn't working anymore.

And so they had to like re-inject them back in.

Shove them back in there.

That's crazy.

I mean, we started started doing that with back pain, right?

Where people stick it in to fix the nerves in your back.

Do they?

Yeah.

My uncle had that.

Well, that's the ultimate goal of Neuralink is to restore movement.

It's going to be able to replace your entire spinal system.

You'll be able to, this thing will tell your muscles and your brain to fire.

So if you have a break in your spinal cord, it'll be able to bridge that and you'll be able to use your body like you normally would.

This is like the ultimate goal.

That's going to piss me off if this comes out after, because my paralyzed friend's passed away.

I hate that when this stuff comes out.

I'm like, God, you motherfucker.

It's always going to happen that way.

She was getting into stuff, though.

She was getting into ear, ear, ear touch.

If you touch her ears, she would get pumped.

Yeah.

That was a thing.

She was getting into all that shit.

She had like a servant that would make art for her.

That was awesome.

So she kind of had it.

She kind of had her own little neural link of girls that she paid.

We're probably about five years away from an unrecognizable world.

You think five years?

Yeah.

What about structures?

I mean, it'll be recognizable in terms of buildings, but I think like the way the world interfaces, the way we interface with the world is going to be very different.

You think it's like walk into a space and it'll be like, welcome, Jordan Jensen.

We have.

Yeah.

Yeah, probably weirder than that because there probably won't be people working there.

Bro, the Waymo is sick.

You like it?

I thought, I was so against it.

I got in it.

Not having to talk to some fucker, being able to fart at will.

Right.

Just, but here's what I'm wondering.

why don't people go take me to an hour place away and just it it's got to be cheaper than a hotel i bet people do gross

i just won't go on the freeway yet but people are definitely doing all that stuff really they're probably there's got to be cameras filming people

yeah they're like let's go put on a nixon mask and yeah let's go yeah yeah but i really like them well it's certainly probably safer you know they don't really get in that many accidents if they do it's usually somebody else's fault, not the Waymo's fault.

I'm sick of looking at plane pilots and being like,

he's going to be bad.

This is going to be bad.

LA, I had one that was so caked up.

His ass was so amazing.

It was the worst flight of my life.

I was like, yeah, we can't have these LA beautiful Barbies.

He was like a perfect Kendall.

And I was like, this is crazy.

They're going to be replaced.

Great.

They're going to be replaced with AI.

AI is going to fly all the planes.

I would love that.

I hate the idea of these guys getting sleep beats.

Really?

I hate that.

No, that's a big part of plane crashes.

How about they have strokes?

They got that fifth booster and they fucking stroke out while they're on the...

Does that happen?

Oh, yeah.

No.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

People are stroked out while they're flying.

I'm not religious, but the private plane thing freaks me out because I'm worried that if God were to smite one of the planes, he'd be like, yeah, the comic who thinks they're hot shit with a private jet.

Dead.

You're dead.

No one has kids in it.

That's what God's going to do.

Not terrorists.

No, yeah, not terrorists.

No.

Smite the comic with a big ego.

Yeah.

That's funny.

The people that take the photos in front of of the private jet, they're the ones that are going to get smitten.

Yeah.

You post it right before you get on the flight.

I worry about that.

100%.

Fresh news.

You're going down, dude.

Expensive.

I'll look at a plane that I'm on and see if there's kids.

I'm like, oh, we're safe.

We're safe.

God's not going to kill these kids.

That's funny.

Yeah, totally.

Thank you.

Thanks for being here.

It was a lot of fun.

Watch my special.

It's available right now on Netflix.

What's it called?

Today.

It came out today.

Today.

Take me with you.

Take me with you.

All right.

Fuck you.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for having me.

My pleasure.

I'll see you tonight.

We'll have some fun.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Bye, everybody.

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