1187: Family Under Threat Thanks to Mom's Mafia Debt | Feedback Friday

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Welcome to Feedback Friday.

I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger.

As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer.

I'm going to mispronounce this.

Omeo Manu, who loves his fado.

No, that doesn't even run.

Is that right?

Did you pop that into Chat GPT?

Yeah, yeah, that's pure chat GPT.

I had to welcome you to Portugal with some just terrible Portuguese of my own.

Like, it looks like it's going to be Spanish, and then it just devolves into something else.

I can't quite get my head around it.

For everyone listening right now, what Jordan was trying to say, I think, was my brother who loves his fato music.

Yes, because which I also don't even know what fato music is.

I recently realized the only thing I know about Portugal is that they're sick of people from California coming to live there.

The week you moved there or the week before, there was some protest about how much they hate tourists.

And I was like, cool.

Oh, my God.

So I booked my tickets that day.

You know, there is a noticeable difference between the last time I visited and this time.

Oh, just in terms of them putting up with our collective shit.

Let me put it to you this way.

Old Gaby's trying real hard to inflict his bad Portuguese on people just so they know I'm trying.

Right, okay.

Because I don't want to be like every other Californian who walks up to the salad counter like, um, can I have the Baja bull and the no.

Yeah.

Evo cure a Baja bowl or whatever the fuck.

So,

but I'm still kind of rough.

So they either laugh at me a little bit or they, some of them are really nice and they humor me.

And then some of them try to to switch to English when they hear, which I do not like.

And I keep going with the Portuguese.

Yeah, the old switch to English is, that's a gut punch because it's like, they're just giving up on you.

And they're like, yeah, Duolingo ain't cutting it.

I watch Netflix.

What size tofu bowl do you want?

And you're like, oh, I'm going to tell myself you just wanted to practice your English, but really you were just like, I don't have all day.

Tell me what you want.

No, that was literally my exchange at Honest Greens this morning.

By the way, Honest Greens.

Oh my God.

Tender Greens knockoff.

It's the Tender Greens knockoff of the Iberian Peninsula.

They have it in Spain and they have it in Portugal.

It is so good and makes Tender Greens look like such trash.

It is embarrassing.

This episode is sponsored by Tender Greens.

Not as good as Honest Greens, honestly speaking, but it's what you have.

They shamelessly ripped off the branding.

It looks exactly like Tender Greens.

But when you go in there, you can just tell.

It's so much better.

The food is so good.

Anyway, I went up to the thing I ordered.

She switched to English.

I just powered through and insisted on speaking.

And I was like, nope.

You're like, I don't understand your English.

How's some Portuguese?

I'm like, o posto acricentar or herb chofum, please?

She was like, oh,

acrisentar.

Nice.

That's the way you got to do it.

Anyway, on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker.

During the week, we have long-form conversations with a variety of amazing folks.

war correspondents, neuroscientists, arms dealers.

This week, we had my friend Michael Easter.

He is an awesome researcher over in Las Vegas on the mental and physical benefits of being uncomfortable.

He's been on the show before.

He's a really good guy, a true expert in creating healthy instability.

I noticed there's a trend of like these guys, it's usually guys who are like, yeah, you got to be uncomfortable.

I ran an ultra marathon with a collapsed lung.

And you're like, eh, not going to do that.

I don't know if that's a good idea, right?

But this guy's like, here's what the research actually shows on being uncomfortable for long periods of time.

And he does crazy stuff too, like go on 500 mile hikes, but he's not going on a 500-mile hike with a broken leg.

He sticks to the science, and I appreciate that about him.

I thought that episode was great.

On Fridays, though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, play obnoxious soundbites, and play a new game I like to call Where in the World Is Carmen Gabe Diego.

So you're officially in Portugal.

We got that.

Yep.

I'm in Lisbon.

I got in a few days ago.

It is mostly very cool to be back here, but there's definitely a little backlash to all the foreigners moving in and driving up the real estate prices, which has been a a little hard to hear about.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you're off to Porto, where Jen and I'm going to, we're going to be meeting you in less than a month.

Yeah, boy.

I can't wait.

This will be fun.

From the jungle of Costa Rica to the capital of Portugal, it's got to be kind of a bit of a transition.

It's wild, man.

I had the craziest travel day from Costa Rica.

I had to take three buses from Santa Teresa, the town I was in, to get to the airport, and then a flight to Miami, and then a red eye after that to Lisbon, which is a little brutal.

Oof, that sounds brutal.

And buses in Costa Rica, we're not talking a Greyhound, are we?

Although Greyhound also full of, you know, felons and cops.

Also terrible, yeah.

No, it's like those small shared shuttle van type things, and they go on these winding, bumpy, two-lane roads.

So it takes like four to six hours to get down to the small towns and back up.

Jeez.

And those towns are really cool because it's a little hard to get to, but yeah.

Not fun.

By design, though, right?

That's part of the reason the country is still awesome is it's just hard for people to get around.

And so like stuff stays authentic, kind of.

I think so.

If you want to get to some cool places down here, you have to be willing to drive and some people aren't i guess but it was funny i had to get up at 5 a.m to catch the first bus no thank you and i'm sitting in the back and i'm listening to an audiobook and i'm trying to do some work and i'm also trying not to get motion sickness and i'm lugging my suitcases on and off these buses several times and then we ended up getting to the airport early so i was waiting there for a bit and then i had this flight to miami and then i had another long layover and then the flight to lisbon left at like 1 a.m and i was I was just thinking, bro, this nomadding thing, not as glamorous as it looks.

No, right?

All these travel influencers you see on instagram standing in front of waterfalls drinking cappuccinos overlooking a volcano whatever that is maybe five percent of the trip and the rest of it is yeah a lot of buses a lot of searching for freaking wi-fi we just did an episode of digital nomads and it's like you spend a huge amount of time looking for wi-fi like just a massive massive part of your day is like looking for places where you can sit and leave your shit 20 minutes before the waterfall pick you know they were crying because they're jet lagged and they're they left their stanley cup on the bus or whatever.

Yeah, their metal strength thing that's irreplaceable in a country like that.

Yes, exactly.

There's the fantasy and then there's the reality.

And the reality is sitting in an airport terminal for five hours because your discount LATAM flight is delayed for the third time and you want to pass out, but you can't because you're going to miss boarding and or have your bag stolen.

It's a lot of time.

What's the word for this?

It's like a liminal, a lot of liminal spaces.

Yes, liminal spaces, which, by the way, are making me work even harder to make good use of my time because otherwise you could, you could lose days of your life

doing this.

Yeah, but santa teresa was cool it looked like you had a good time on the gram for sure oh it was amazing i love that place it was it was a really nice soft landing after yoga teacher training because that was you know comfortable but intense and i kind of had to integrate all the stuff i had learned and just sit with it and ease into the rest of the trip but yeah it was one of those towns jordan where you can stay at a yoga hostel for like 30 bucks a night and then take your atv down the road to have dinner at like a bougie sushi bar wow you know what i mean in the same place it was really cool yeah i like those kinds of towns usually you get one or the other.

It is fun and very rare when a town manages to do both.

It's already gentrified a lot, so we'll see how long that lasts.

But I did talk to some locals, including a guy who owns one of the hotels in the town.

Super interesting, dude.

And they all said that the town wants it weird like that.

Like they're not trying to open a Ritz-Carlton where the surf school used to be.

So that gives me some hope.

I'll definitely go back there.

But yeah, it was great.

Did a bunch of yoga.

They have some incredible yoga shalas there, like overlooking the beach.

Like a platform where you do yoga?

Like an an open-air platform.

Yeah.

With amazing views.

I did a sound bath, thought of you, obviously.

Yeah.

I saw on Instagram, it was everything I could do not to just roast you in the replies.

I mean, yeah, enjoy your acoustic bath.

I got to tell you, one of the worst sound baths I've ever done.

You're like, they are all terrible.

I can't even imagine how you would begin to rate them, but okay.

No, it was led by this really good yoga teacher I found there, and she was like, hey, I'm doing a sound bath this Friday.

And I had a friend visiting.

So I was like, hey, there's this fun, weird thing we can do when you arrive.

Turns out, sound baths, not this woman's forte.

That's like when Coca-Cola tried to go into the wine business in the 70s and failed.

Like, sometimes you just stay in your lane, man.

You're selling a lot of the soft drinks.

Just relax.

I have never heard a more grating rain stick in my life.

Oh, man.

I've never heard a more Gabe sentence in my life.

My God.

You leave that in your TripAdvisor review.

Yoga Shala, 10 out of 10.

Never heard a more grating rain stick in my life.

One out of 10.

One out of 10 for your rainstick.

I feel, actually, now I feel bad saying this because this woman was really giving it her all, and she is awesome, but I guess bathing people in sound is harder than it looks.

I don't know.

I thought it was just like hitting those Tibetan singing bowls at the right angle and waving the brainstick around, but apparently not.

Apparently, there's a craft to this art form, and I'm afraid she did not possess it.

I'm telling you right now, I am not doing a sound bath with you in Porto.

I just want to get that out of the way on the record immediately.

No, I'm going to find one just because you said that.

You go with your weird hippie Portuguese friends, man.

Me and Jen are going to hit a vineyard in a cafe like normal adults.

Oh, speaking of friends, I watched the video compilation you guys made with everybody's well-wishes for me on this trip, and I am, I don't even know what to say.

I was, I was speechless.

Is your flabbergasted?

I was flabbergasted is a great word.

It was one of the most touching things I have ever gotten in my entire life.

I am glad it was a surprise because I know you hate surprises.

That's why I told you like three times to fast forward through the call for videos.

And I was like, is he going to...

First of all, I was like, he's not even going to listen to these.

He's on the road.

Then I was like, watch this be the one where he's like, I have so much time.

I'm going to listen to to Feedback Friday.

So I was like, I'll put a warning in there.

You know me very well because I definitely stuck around through the first two warnings.

And then you were like, gabe, last chance.

Skip ahead.

And I was like, oh, okay, this must be important.

So I truly had no idea this was coming.

Good.

Yeah, you got to let yourself be in the dark sometimes.

I watched the montage in my apartment in Costa Rica and I literally cried.

Good.

It was so sweet.

I don't even know what to say.

It was so sweet.

Thank you so much.

It was cool.

I watched the videos to make sure it wasn't like people, you know, whipping their wang out or something, you know, trolling.

And I was like, dang, our listeners are really cool.

They really came out for this.

We put out a couple calls and we just got dozens and dozens and dozens.

And I was like, ah, you got to close the thing because otherwise it's going to be an hour long.

Wow.

So you put out more than one call?

I didn't even know that.

I think we put out one or two calls at most.

Man.

Or the same call twice.

I don't know.

I got to say, no one has ever done anything like this for me.

So it really meant a lot.

I just don't know how many ways to say thank you.

Thank you so much.

I will be thinking about this thing for years.

By the way, there are way too many people to thank individually, but I have to tell you, you, Jordan, there were a few clips that really stood out.

There was one person who was owned by a cat named Pluto who said that Jordan once compared me to a house plant and that made her less of a bulldozer in her life.

And I'm pretty sure that was an insult from Jordan, but I love that you spun that into a positive.

There's a listener who works in construction who said that every time he has to work with a rubber mallet, he gets a big grin on his face.

One of you, I don't think you shared your name, you said that hot yoga can be dangerous.

And I quote, just because there are no bruises or black leather doesn't mean it's not masochism.

Ooh, maybe I should start thinking of hot yoga as BDSM practice.

Then it'll make me want to go.

Okay, well, we're definitely going in Porto now.

So yeah, pack your mat and your ball gag.

Yeah,

those restraint ropes or whatever.

We'll see if it fits with the gimp costume in my carry-on.

One of those zipper face mask things.

TBD on that.

Someone told me to Kebonito yourself all over this planet.

That's dirty.

Guys, why do you encourage him?

Seriously.

But that was all the encouragement encouragement I needed to wear my Kebonito hat on the flight over here.

And I want to report back that only two flight attendants laughed in my face when they saw it.

So that was nice.

A listener named Jack, who did a nomad trip himself, told me to be thrilled and excited by uncertainty, which I loved and which is basically my mantra for this trip.

Ellie in Japan brought up Dolores as backup sauce.

If you know that reference, you are a true Feedback Friday fan.

I don't even know if I remember that reference.

Dolores was the aggro fairweather mob wife type work frenemy in the bad bosses episode who fell in love with the scammer.

Yes, the guy who was a British architect who was in the hospital and needed money because architects abroad can't possibly get money from anybody of course strangers on Facebook.

She had some kind of mustard in her drawer, I think.

These details are wild.

I can't keep track of them all, but I think that's what it was.

Jess from New Jersey is the listener who coined the term dues cruise.

Jess, you are a legend for that one.

My God, that one really has taken on a life of its own.

Yeah, she took credit for that.

I was like, we better fact-check this.

Several of you, including Maria from New York, told me to pack my vermilion blouse on this trip sadly i did donate it years ago and my bag is already 20 pounds overweight so unfortunately no women's clothing on this trip or it's all women's clothing on this trip yeah and i just have no idea right yeah exactly that is possible see gabe's vermilion blouse and his suspiciously deep v-necks says the guy who just copped to owning a gimp suit okay yeah okay well i see those are designed for men so i have that on you and one guy did not say anything in his video he just stared at the camera and smoothed back his bald head.

I see you, brother, and I appreciate you.

There were so many more.

Again, I cannot comment on each individually, but really, guys, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for taking the time to record these.

You made my week, my month, probably my whole year.

You have no idea.

You guys are just the best.

And thank you, Jordan, so much and Jen for putting this together.

It was very sweet of you.

I love you guys.

What can I say?

Well, with that said, Should we do it up?

Let's do it.

All right.

Hi, Dorjan and Beige.

Wow.

Okay.

Is that becoming a thing thing now?

It's becoming a thing.

I don't know.

Brain rot spoonerism?

What's spoonerism?

Is that what it's called?

When you transpose the first couple letters?

When you swap the first letter of two words?

Yeah.

Spoonerism?

I never knew that.

So I guess this isn't technically a spoonerism because he just made up new letters on our name.

Just made up new letters, yeah.

Yeah, but it's some demented variant of that.

I don't hate it.

I'm here for it, too.

I kind of like it.

Happy to spoon and be spooned.

So our grend here, Fozon.

My best friend, who lives in Sri Lanka, is the sweetest guy.

He's the CEO of a marketing agency, donates from every paycheck to feed the less fortunate, helped relocate people displaced by recent floods.

The list goes on and on.

He is all love.

But for over a decade, his mom has been giving him grief.

She borrowed money from a bank for real estate development and went over budget.

Trying to finish the project, she borrowed more from family.

Still wasn't enough.

She resorted to borrowing from the wrong people, still didn't finish the project, and went dark for years.

Somehow, my friend was notified by the bank that he was responsible for paying them back.

He got a lawyer and thankfully was let off the hook.

Oof, thank God.

That's so stressful.

So I guess in Sri Lanka, debts can just legally be transferred like that?

Or did he co-sign the debt?

That's in the states, that can't happen.

Either that or in Sri Lanka, they'll just do whatever they can to collect, even if it's kind of shady, but it seems like that ultimately did not fly, which is good.

Yeah.

My friend has a wife and daughter and has built and paid off a house on land that his family owned in conjunction with a village religious figure.

It's kind of fuzzy, but I think his his grandfather had some kind of deal with a religious leader that might have been off the books.

I'm not sure.

His grandfather was murdered two years ago, so there's that.

Okay, that's so sad.

So this is the milieu we're dealing with here in terms of, yeah.

Yeah, not exactly doing business with Coldwell Banker.

No, is it?

No, this is more like Balwell Canker.

Boldwell Canker.

I think I know what you mean.

Just spoon arising.

I don't know how Sri Lankan real estate law works, but within the past two months, months, the religious leader made a deal with a land developer.

My friend was served to notice that he and his family had 30 days to vacate so the land could be developed for commercial use.

This is crazy.

So he doesn't have a deed with his name on it or anything.

It just has a house he paid off and the guy's like, go, get out of here.

I'm going to tear this down.

And now he's got to leave.

That sucks.

That is so sad.

In the meantime, my friend's mom has re-emerged and tried asking for money from my friend, which he denied her.

He then received a threatening phone call from some strong-armed guy telling him what she's been up to.

He sent him nude photos of his mother lying on the floor of a guest house, beaten.

Whoa,

that is so disturbing and sad.

Imagine having to see your mom like that, dude.

That is tragic.

That is so dark.

So this woman has made a lot of big mistakes, or maybe she just got in over her head, but obviously she does not deserve this.

So sorry to hear this.

Wow.

The man said the mom was having an affair with a married man in their organization.

Again, I don't know all the details, but not a good situation.

My friend reported this to the police who wanted to get a statement from the mother.

She refused.

She won't talk with him, and he's gotten other threatening calls from these people about collecting money and releasing the photos of his mother as blackmail.

So now my friend is scared for his life and his family's well-being.

They'll be moving soon because of the land fiasco, but I'm guessing the crime organization already knows where he lives.

Yeah, brushing up against any mafia is bad news, but being targeted by the Sri Lankan mafia, that sounds uniquely terrifying because the whole country is just...

There's a lot of corruption there.

Your poor friend.

My friend is fed up with his mother and just wants to be left alone so he can work and raise his family.

What would you do in this situation?

Can I help get him and his family out of the country?

Could I hire him under my LLC and create a situation to expedite a working visa for him and his family?

What else should I do?

Signed, trying to defend my dear friend before these thugs descend and send him to a dark end.

Man, we've heard from a couple people over the years who've been targeted by the mob, but this kind of thing always hits different in Asia somehow.

Sure does.

So sorry for your friend and his family.

Very sorry for his mother too, although I have some serious questions about her strategy here.

But honestly, whether she courted this disaster or not, she's clearly also being victimized.

It's quite heartbreaking.

She's being assaulted.

She's being sextorted.

Her family's being dragged into it.

It's just a literal nightmare.

Unless, of course, it's all fake and she's in on this, which I somehow would not put past this woman.

Honestly, I'm at a bit of a loss because I know what I'd say if this were happening in the States or some other developed country.

I'd say, go to the the cops, go to the FBI, you got to talk to the media.

In Sri Lanka, though, I don't know, man.

I'm sure there's some rule of law somewhere, but based on everything I've heard or read, there's still a lot of lawlessness, a ton of corruption.

In a lot of places, the criminal element is woven into local politics, law enforcement, businesses.

They generate a ton of money from drugs, guns, human trafficking.

In some areas, they operate with basically total impunity.

I mean, they're in charge.

So obviously, I'd love for your friend to go to the authorities and keep telling them what's going on.

I mean, mean, he's already done that so that, you know, it's not a matter of if.

I would file as many police reports as it takes with as much evidence as possible, insist they open a case.

And if the local cops drag their feet or they throw up their hands, I would escalate this to whatever national or specialized units exist in Sri Lanka.

But the reality is they might not do very much for all the reasons I just mentioned before.

Also, if these thugs are woven into local law enforcement or they have some kind of understanding, they might retaliate against your friend and or his mom even more, which would be pretty awful.

So I hate to say this, but I think your friend's best option is just to move and hide as far away as possible.

I hope being the CEO of a marketing agency means he can work remotely while he's literally hiding from the mob.

That seems like a reasonable explanation for why you can't come to the office.

But if his company is based in Sri Lanka, he might have to return at some point if he stays at this company, which means they'll probably find him again, which is really scary.

So I really like your idea to hire him under your LLC, Finagle a working visa for him and his family.

We reached out to my friend Keith Ayers about this, immigration attorney and friend of the show.

And Keith said, unfortunately, there's no expedited visa or green card process here.

He said that a company could potentially file for him to get an H-1B visa or a green card application, depending on his experience, education, and job title.

But either process, that's going to take one or even two years for him to be able to come to the U.S.

Keith also said that premium processing could be available, but a lot of this depends on the U.S.

entity that is sponsoring him and other factors like his resume, a detailed description of the job title, the nature of the sponsoring company, stuff like that.

You can't just sort of like make up an LLC and hire somebody.

That's something you could do more of a deep dive on your own.

Chat GPT could be some help here.

Obviously, your best bet is going to be to talk to a real-life immigration attorney.

I'm happy to refer you to my friend Keith by email.

If you need help with that, he probably has capacity for this.

And I don't know what he charges, but I assume it's reasonable.

In the meantime, you could get the ball rolling by drafting a sponsorship letter for your friend, a robust job offer, proof of your U.S.

business, its revenue, his executive role, his agency's legitimacy.

But you're really going to want an attorney advising you on all of that.

And honestly, dude, if you pull this off for your friend and his family, you would be a freaking hero.

If I were in his shoes and somebody did this for me, I would kiss their feet.

I would thank my lucky stars.

It just doesn't sound like you're going to be able to make it happen overnight.

Which means he's going to have to hang in there and find ways of protecting himself and protecting his family until some solution like this one presents itself.

So about his mom, I am obviously deeply worried about her.

I understand why he was like, yeah, mom, I can't help you anymore.

I mean, I'm just not going to get involved any further.

Man, that must have been a very hard phone call.

Brutal.

I mean, to say no to your mom who's being targeted, assaulted, it's awful.

Yeah.

Even after what she did.

But it does sound like that's the wisest move at this point, because he can't keep helping.

No, you can't give someone like this more money.

That is going to get you in deeper.

Still, if there's anything he can do for his mom without putting himself at too much risk, I would consider it.

I did a little reading on this.

There is this law that was passed in Sri Lanka in 2015, 10 years ago.

It's called the Assistance to and Protection of Victims of Crime and Witnesses Act.

So it's witness protection, basically.

They offer relocation, police protection, anonymity, safe housing.

Now, this is far from perfect.

Implementation is limited.

The protection doesn't always kick in.

Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and just guess that this nascent Sri Lankan program is inefficient, underfunded, understaffed.

You guessed right.

Apparently, there's political interference.

There are cases of law enforcement officials, to your point a moment ago, being in bed with the criminals.

Also, to qualify for this kind of protection, the mom would have to go to the police and cooperate, which she does not want to do.

Yeah, not willing to do.

But maybe if she knew that there was this possibility of being protected, if it is real, given how bad things are, it would change your mind.

Anyway, I'm just throwing it out there.

The other problem, though, let's remember, is that your friend is being kicked off his land, kicked out of his home, which is a whole other crisis.

Yeah, I don't know what he's supposed to do about that.

It sounds like a done deal, and he has, again, very little legal recourse if he doesn't have a clear deed with his name and only his name on it.

Even then, in a country like Sri Lanka, who knows, man?

Legal Eagle Gray Jordan here thinking, could he like set up a shell company, buy the land from the developer himself?

Could he pull a legal title transfer while he works on getting out of the country?

Very long shots, very big long shot.

And then he has to find that money, but it might be a solution or at least a a way to stall for time until a visa comes through.

But I don't know.

Like, it sounds like this religious leader who hooked up his grandfather changed his mind and then murdered the guy.

I mean, that's what it sounds like from the letters.

I know.

I'm also still thinking about the grandfather in the background of all of this.

If that's any indication of how things go down there, I'm, I'm even more worried.

But that is a clever idea, Jordan.

I'm still confused about all of this, though, because he paid off his home, which means if you have a mortgage, doesn't that mean you have to have the deed to the house?

No, I feel like he had like a handshake deal with that guy for the land.

And then his grandfather was like, yeah, build a house there.

It's a a land my good buddy religious leader tom said it's cool and they're like cool so they built a house paid the thing off it's probably his grandfather's house too and then the religious leader's like oh i got a better offer from some other person this guy thinks he owns it but if i kill him he's out of the way that's what i'm understanding from the letter maybe i'm filling in too many blanks here but also whom did they pay off if it's a bank i would imagine that there's some chain of title or whatever that's called i think he meant the house was built and the materials are paid for and that he paid the religious leader like a proper mortgage yeah i think he paid the religious leader i and then the religious leader was like, oh, I can sell this land again and I just have to get rid of the guy that's on it right now.

Sure.

Well, in the meantime, I would tell your friend to do a few basic things.

First of all, he's got to avoid predictable routines.

He has to vary his routes to work, school, home, all of that.

He needs to make sure that he keeps his head on a swivel.

I know this is very stressful, but he has to be on high alert.

He has to be difficult to track.

Yeah.

So tell him that he should not post on social media whatsoever right now.

And if I were him, I would probably use encrypted messaging apps, you know, like Signal, Telegram, WhatsApp, no email, no SMS, especially when he's in touch with his mother or talking about important plans with his family.

It's too risky.

Smart.

Also, document, document, document.

I mean, threatening calls, creepy messages, suspicious people, police reports filed, police reports ignored, all that.

You know this.

Put it in Google Cloud or something so that it's not in a drawer when they burn down the house.

Even if the Sri Lankan authorities won't do anything with it, it could be useful for your U.S.

visa because he might want to claim asylum once he's here or something like that.

Maybe this will help him get that witness protection one day.

It's just good to have.

And finally, I would tell your friend to reach out to a few human rights and legal aid organizations in Sri Lanka.

Tell them a story.

Ask for advice.

Ask for resources.

We're going to link to several good ones that we found and their email addresses in the show notes for you.

These people could be lifesavers, and this is their whole job.

And they know the system there better than anybody.

So I think they could be really good allies to him.

Yeah, he needs as many allies and local guys as he can get right now.

Second, all of that.

And maybe that's something you can help him with, kind of like how you wrote into us.

So, man, let's take a moment and pray for your buddy.

He is going through something truly terrifying.

I hope he and his family make it through.

With your help, with the help of these other people, I have some hope that he can, but it's really time to get scrappy.

It's time to dig in for a fight here.

Sending you, him, his family, and even his mom a big hug and wishing them all the best.

You know what you'll definitely want to bring with you when you go into the witness protection program?

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Now, back to Feedback Friday.

Okay, next up.

Dear Jordan and Gabe, Tony and I met in the mid-1970s at college where our rooms were across from each other on campus.

He went on to medical school, eventually earning both his MD and a PhD in medicine.

I majored in computer science and got a job in computer programming.

Many years went by and we lost touch as we married, started families, and embarked on our careers.

He became a college professor at the university we had attended and I got involved in international business.

Then, about 20 years ago, we ran into each other at a school reunion and we happily picked up where we had left off.

Thus began a long period of us meeting up for lunches, dinners, and even visiting each other's homes and getting to know the other's spouse and children.

I'm godfather to one of his kids.

But one odd thing I noticed during our meetups, particularly the ones in restaurants, was that if I offered to pay the bill, he would always readily accept.

But contrary to convention, he never offered to pick up the check himself to even things out.

What a cheap ass.

And he's an MD, PhD college professor.

What a turd.

Jordan, what was that idiom in Serbian you used to say to me?

Something about like not owing people money?

What is it?

It's like chistrachun dugolubav or something like that.

That's a terrible accent, by the way.

I can even hear how bad it's become.

What does it mean again?

It means clean receipt, like clean bill of receipt.

Basically, like if you don't owe anybody money, it doesn't fester in the back and the relationship stays pure and clean.

That's the one.

It's a wise one.

Having debts with people, it really does slowly poison the relationship.

It almost sounds petty, but I remember...

people who I've gone out with two or three times and never paid.

And I'm like, and I just stopped calling that guy because he's clearly doing this on purpose this one guy i'm thinking of right now he has no friends like he's always like hey let's do coffee and i'm like no i don't want to buy you coffee thanks though i don't know what it is it's interesting because it's not even about the dollars and cents is it it's about the person who does that yes always

and they think they're getting away with it and it's it's just i don't like i don't want to be around that it makes me feel icky one a mother involved with the sri lankan mob and one a cheap ass exactly teaching medicine at a university equally morally flawed

eventually i got tired of this and would suggest we split the bill, which he would always agree to do.

But not once did he pay the whole bill himself.

This period of our relationship continued until I took a job offer overseas for about 10 years.

During that time, we would exchange the occasional email and holiday greeting, but that was about it.

Then disaster struck.

My wife got cancer.

Tony was generally supportive during this time, but I noticed that he remained emotionally distant.

For example, although he offered to look over my wife's medical records, he never really gave me any useful feedback or suggestions, which, as an experienced physician with a PhD in medicine and many contacts in the top hospitals in his area, he easily could have done.

I got the feeling that I had to push him to respond to my questions.

Then, three years ago, my wife passed away.

Oh, man, I am so sorry to hear that, my friend.

That must have been hard.

Literally one of my biggest fears.

And I'm sorry that Tony wasn't there for you the way that you deserve.

That just, it sucks.

Shortly afterward, I repatriated to the U.S., and Tony and I started meeting up for meals again a couple of times per month.

He and his wife had bought a horse farm about three hours from the university and he only had to be on campus two consecutive days a week.

He would drive down to the university, teach for a day, spend one night in a hotel, and then drive home after his classes the next day.

We would typically meet for dinner on the night he stayed in the area.

Our get-togethers became weekly.

We started doing home-cooked meals, and eventually I suggested that instead of staying at a hotel, he just crashed my guest room.

That became our routine for the next few months.

Every Wednesday night, he would arrive.

We'd cook dinner, talk, watch TV, and then retire.

The next morning, he would go off to teach and make the long drive back to his home.

Wow, that's a really generous thing to do for a guy who didn't really show up for you when you needed him.

You, sir, are clearly not a grudge holder.

Good for you.

Interesting quality.

Maybe we can come back to that.

Sure.

So he goes on.

Then one morning, I got a call from him.

He said that he was in a bind and needed my help.

He explained that his son, who was an undergraduate at another university, had mistakenly paid his tuition bill early using Tony's debit card.

This created a cash flow problem as Tony hadn't had a chance to move the required funds into the account, and in fact, the funds weren't yet available for him to do so.

So would I be able to make him a stopgap loan?

It all sounded reasonable to me, so that afternoon, I wired $7,000 into his checking account.

Oh, my guy, you have a horse farm, but you don't have seven grand?

Doesn't it cost seven grand to friggin' feed a horse?

Sell one horse.

Aren't those like eight eight or ten grand at least?

There's your tuition right there.

I mean, it just seems to me like no one who has a horse farm and is a college professor MD-PhD is running that thin.

But what do I know?

These people live high on the hog, man.

Some of these folks.

I don't know.

We continued our weekly dinners and his overnight stays, but over the following month, Tony never mentioned the loan.

Why am I not surprised?

Pay that man his money.

Dude, Rounders Malkovich would solve this problem in 10 minutes.

That's right.

All you need is a tracksuit and an awkward mustache.

In fact, one look at that shiny bald head, and this dude is selling our friend here 7K with interest.

Plus, interest.

That does not include the juice.

So he goes on, I expected he would be anxious to pay me back, and that in a short time he'd have the funds to do so.

Clearly chomping at the bit to pay you back, Barr.

Eventually, I mentioned it to him.

He kind of acted surprised as if it hadn't at all been on his mind.

Oh, I owe you $7,000?

I forgot.

I completely forgot.

Man, I forgot to put that in my notes app.

He said that he could pay me back in about another month.

When that month came and went, I mentioned it to him again.

He almost seemed annoyed.

He pulled out his checkbook and wrote me a check on the spot for the full amount.

But when he handed it to me, he said, wait until I let you know it's okay to deposit it.

That is not how paying someone back works at all.

Talk about your empty gestures.

That is just like...

Fine, here's your money.

Except actually.

Don't take this piece of paper anywhere until I tell you.

Here's your money with asterisk dagger.

There is no money.

Theoretically, it's here.

All right.

So stop bugging me for it.

It's like, do you remember in the movie The Mask when he gives them back the briefcase full of money?

No, it's dumb and dumber.

And the guy goes, what is this?

And he goes, these are IOUs.

That's as good as cash.

That's as good as cash.

Because he spent all the money in the briefcase on his crazy Athen adventure, and it's just full of like IOUs for a car.

IOUs.

IOUs for $10,000.

Yeah, that's exactly what this is.

This freaking guy, what a turd.

In early January, three months months having passed since I loaned him the money, I asked him if I could cash the check.

He replied, at the end of the month.

Accordingly, on the last day of January, I submitted the check for deposit.

It bounced.

Of course it did.

Long story short, this went on through February and up until mid-March.

While getting ready to leave for a trip, I realized I had to pay my income taxes before I left.

Due to some extraordinary withdrawals I had made from my IRA to help one of my kids buy a new home, I owed about $16,000 to the IRS.

I didn't have that much in my bank account.

So I told Tony that I absolutely needed the $7,000 back before I left for my trip.

He said he would quote unquote make it happen.

Let me guess.

Well, he didn't.

At one point, he told me he was going to make an electronic transfer to me the next day.

When the day came and went, I called him and he claimed that something had gone wrong with the online banking app, and so he was going to go to the bank in person the next morning to do the transfer.

This guy is a straight-up habitual liar.

At a certain point, there's something pathologically wrong with you if you keep lying to someone like this.

This litany of nonsense doesn't even come close to believable.

I have another theory, which is that he is in trouble.

Like the mom from question one, and he's not telling him the whole story.

Yeah, maybe.

But who knows?

He could also just be an a-hole.

A total a-hole.

The next day came and went.

No transfer and no call or message from Tony.

Running out of time, I called my son, and he loaned me the money I needed to pay my tax bill.

A few days into my trip, I received a text from Tony saying that he realized, quote, how I must feel, unquote, and how he wished I could inhabit his mind for a moment so that I could understand him.

If I could, I wouldn't be angry with him.

I decided it was fruitless to reply, so I just went silent and waited.

Over the following months, I considered suing him in small claims court or writing to his wife to tell her what he had done, but in the end, I decided not to strike back.

My daughter said it best, even if he never pays you back, dad, the bigger loss will be his, because your friendship is worth more than $7,000.

So, mentally, at least, I wrote it off.

That's true, and I love your daughter for saying that, but that is still a good chunk of change, and it doesn't erase the injury of essentially being robbed by your friend.

And also, what a victim.

If you could just inhabit my mind, you'd realize that this is everything I've done is totally okay.

All this lying I've done is fine for some reason.

No.

Manipulation or narcissism?

Yeah, I can't tell.

Like, are you a psychopath where you just value your friendships at zero and you're annoyed that you have to pay your friend back?

Six months went by.

Then, out of the blue, Tony sent me an email saying that he was was finally able to pay me back and asking how I wanted the money.

I said, send me a check.

I did this because I wanted some physical documentation of this year-long odyssey, in case he ever claimed that it never happened.

As a final insult, when the check arrived, it was for $6,600 instead of the full amount.

And as of this writing, it's been another six months, and he hasn't paid me the remaining $400.

I doubt he ever will, and I'm okay with that because it appears we're done.

Yeah.

If at any point Tony had told me that he couldn't pay me back, either for a long time or never, with a reasonable explanation, I'm quite sure I would have forgiven the loan and remained his friend.

But the unexplained series of lies and obfuscations just made me realize that Tony has a serious character flaw, a lack of personal responsibility and integrity that I just can't put aside.

Bingo.

Yeah, as I said, he's a straight-up liar.

It makes no sense.

Some friends of mine have suggested that at some point I should consider reaching out to Tony, that perhaps he's too ashamed to contact me and maybe he really was having financial difficulties beyond his control, but didn't know how to just ask me for the money with no strings attached and came up with this cock and bowl story about his son's tuition as a way to save face.

Even if that's true, it doesn't excuse what he did.

In some ways, it only makes it worse.

And even if he were struggling, he's been like this for years.

Yeah, the restaurant check.

Yes.

Before potential financial troubles, let's remember the restaurant check thing, like you said.

Now, if anything, this guy should reach out to you, but he's not going to do that.

He doesn't care.

I don't even see what you guys have to talk about anymore.

The real question is, why are we wasting any brain cells?

My mitochondria are sick of dedicating energy to this freaking guy.

He's a loser.

What do you think?

Should I be the one to extend the olive branch?

Or would it be wiser to just say goodbye to what was once a warm and close friendship and move on?

Signed, debating whether to nix this friend who played tricks after I took a few licks on this unpaid spondulux.

Okay, I'll bite.

What's a spondulix?

That sounds like a brand of compression shorts you wear to hot yoga.

It does, yeah.

The new spondulix technology by Lulu.

Yeah.

No, this is spondulix.

It's a British word for money.

Okay.

So this is so annoying.

It's just a word, man.

It's just a word to sign off.

No, no, no, no.

That your friend pulled all this stuff with you.

Sorry.

That is annoying.

Yeah.

Thank you for classing.

This is so uncool, man.

I get why you're angry and confused and hurt.

In so many ways, over so many years, this guy has not treated you you at all the way you deserved.

No.

Especially given how generous and forgiving you've been with him.

I mean, he stayed in your house, saved money from hotels.

I mean, this guy should not.

Okay.

No.

So this isn't just about a bounced check or even the seven grand.

There's something wrong with this dude.

He's shown you with his actions what kind of person he is.

You have all the evidence you need.

I would not waste one more second on this dude.

So no, I would not reach out.

I would not offer an olive branch.

What's left for you in this friendship?

Why is it on you to repair things with this guy?

Tony took advantage of you.

Full stop.

I know you all love that phrase.

Whether he was truly in a bad spot or just kind of thoughtless, that is not how you treat a friend.

I don't care if he was ashamed.

I don't care if he was freaking out.

You don't borrow seven grand and just pretend it never happened and then string someone along.

I'm so angry at this guy.

I don't want to repeat myself, but screw this noise.

I think what this letter is really about is our friend here's remarkable patience and extreme generosity and unusual empathy in a situation like this.

And I do wonder whether those qualities might be a little hyper-developed in him.

And I also wonder whether they might be making him vulnerable to people like Tony.

That's what this is really about.

If somebody is stepping on you over and over and over, and then they ask you for something big, it's kind of like, I never paid the check.

Now I'm going to borrow money from you.

Why do I expect different behavior?

Because the amount is larger?

I wonder if in the back of his head, our friend here was like, I might never see this money again.

No, he wouldn't do that to me, even though all his past behavior kind of indicates that he might.

I wish we could ask him that.

I know.

Was there a little voice that you had to suppress when you wrote that check?

I do wonder.

I would not be surprised if the answer is yes.

Yeah.

So I think your daughter in the end is right.

This guy's throwing away your friendship over seven grand.

It's a quote-unquote cheap lesson.

Not super cheap, but cheap enough.

I mean, well, actually, now it's over $400.

So that is a cheap enough lesson.

Well, plus the opportunity cost of not doing something with the 6,600.

But yeah, I feel you.

Also, the final insult for him writing the check as less than he owed you, that to me tells me that this man is not well.

I don't know.

I'm curious what our listeners think.

I think this guy went, I lose when I pay this guy back finally.

So I'm just not going to give him the full amount.

So I'm still up some.

But why did he reach out after six months of nothing and then offer to pay him back instead of just letting it ride?

That's what I also, I don't get that either.

So that kind of...

makes me think that my earlier theory, I have a hunch, which is that he might have some kind of gambling problem or he's involved with the wrong people or something because his behavior is so bizarre.

And it might explain why he didn't want to say, hey, I owe the mob or whatever $7,000 and I needed to pay it.

Like he didn't want to tell him that and he was just ghosting him.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's the only explanation I can think of, but I guess it's possible that there are people who are so disturbed and somehow fundamentally miswired that they would treat people like this and think it's okay.

I guess the bigger truth is in the end, it doesn't matter what the reason is, getting away from people like this, as far away from these types of people as possible, is good for your sanity.

Yeah, of course.

I'm also remembering that he didn't really show up for him when his wife had cancer.

No.

And he could have helped or he could have at least been there emotionally for him.

So at every step along the way, he was like a fun guy to have dinner and watch TV with, but he was not a true friend.

Exactly.

So I don't mean to lay it on too thick here, but I do think the interesting thing about this is the opportunity to reflect on what qualities you want in your friends and why you might have, along the way, overlooked some of these things.

I really think that as we get older, ain't nobody got time for that.

You don't have to figure out what happened.

You don't have to give the guy a second chance.

It's just the more you prune this tree of people like this in your life, the more clean and organized you're going to feel.

And at this age, that kind of sanity is honestly priceless.

Clean bill, long love.

No bill, no love.

That's right.

Chis trachun, dugo lubavav.

All right.

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Okay, what's next?

Hey, Jordan and Gabe.

I currently have de facto full custody of my 16-year-old daughter, who will be 17 in a few months, even though the court order technically says 50-50.

She's lived with me full-time since November 2023.

Her mother hasn't exercised visitation in nearly a year, despite having every opportunity to to do so.

The reason for this is complicated and painful.

Years ago, while living with her mother, my daughter was abused by her mother's then-husband, who's now serving time in federal prison.

Oh man, this is tragic.

I'm sorry to hear that.

That trauma, along with her mother's continued pattern of instability and poor decision-making, including a relationship with a man who later died by suicide under disturbing circumstances, has left my daughter with deep psychological wounds, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a history of self-harm.

Most of these episodes have been triggered by your interactions with her mom.

Oh, God, this poor girl, the things she has been through are just so awful.

My gosh.

But since moving in with me and my wife, she's made real progress.

We're consistent with therapy, school, structure, and stability.

So glad to hear that.

Well done.

This is what she needs.

Her mother, meanwhile, has refused therapy, doesn't co-parent, and even now is moving into a home that reportedly won't have space for our daughter.

She's also a single parent to three other kids and seems to be opting out of parenting our daughter altogether.

Wow, okay, so I think it's fair to say this woman is a...

she's not fit to be a parent.

At least not to your daughter.

Or probably anyone, but whatever.

It sounds like she really struggles.

Despite all this, I'm still technically paying child support, and legally, we're still under a joint custody agreement that hasn't reflected reality for nearly two years.

I've been preparing to go to court to request full legal and physical custody, terminate the current child support order, and set the record straight legally.

But I'm torn.

My daughter is entering her final year of high school and will legally be an adult in less than two years.

I worry that a court battle now could dredge up more emotional pain, conflict, and instability, especially when she's already feeling fragile.

Her mother has a long and painful history of manipulating her emotionally, turning extended family against her, using her younger siblings as leverage, and withholding affection as a form of control.

My daughter deeply craves her mother's approval and attention, and her mom has unfortunately weaponized that in the past.

After the abuse she suffered, my daughter chose to live primarily with her mom for a time, partly to be closer to her siblings, and ended up assuming a sort of caretaker role for them.

Jesus, trauma on top of trauma.

My heart goes out to your daughter, man.

This is disgusting.

And to you, to watch all of this happen, must have been just indescribably hard.

So he goes on.

She's finally been able to step back and just be a big sister again.

But I worry that if this goes to court, her mother might retaliate by threatening to limit access to the siblings or rekindle that unhealthy dynamic.

There's also the very real issue of trauma.

The last time my daughter was in a courtroom was to deliver an impact statement against her abuser.

She did so with incredible strength.

It moved the judge to add time to the sentence.

But it was emotionally intense and understandably left a lasting mark.

The idea of being pulled back into a legal battle, especially if she were required to testify or speak with a guardian ad litem, could be triggering for her PTSD and risk undoing some of the progress she's made.

I want to protect the stability, structure, and healing we've been able to provide, but I'm also aware that not addressing the legal reality could leave the door open for future instability or leverage from her mother.

Is it worth fighting this custody battle so late in the game?

Or should I just ride it out and let her continue living with me peacefully and avoid pouring time, money, and emotional energy into a a legal fight she may soon be able to bypass on her own.

Signed, a father baffled about whether it's worth the hassle to get full custody and face the gavel when it might cause my daughter to completely unravel.

Look, as you can see, my heart really goes out to your daughter.

What she's been through is just beyond words, really.

And I'm also very moved by her resilience, her growth, her strength.

Like in delivering that victim impact statement in court, that is not an easy thing to do.

And I'm moved by her relationship with you, how much she's healed with your help.

She is so lucky to have you.

Look, I totally get the bind that you're in.

Either way, there are upsides, there are downsides.

Also, it's a hard decision to make when you're dealing with so many abstract elements, whether your ex might retaliate in these ways, whether your daughter would, in fact, be re-traumatized, what the next 18 months would actually be like.

So much of that is uncertain.

And so much of it depends on how you and your daughter respond to those developments, if they ever come to pass.

But really, I think it comes down to what your daughter needs right now and what she feels that she's capable of.

What I'm hearing is that she's almost 17 years old.

She's strong.

She's resilient.

She's surrounded by mostly good people, including a therapist.

She's certainly mature enough to understand the situation and voice her needs and opinions.

So why not talk to her about all this directly?

I would make some time to share your dilemma, tell her why you're torn, ask her what she thinks, what kind of protection she wants, what she might be willing or unwilling to do to help you revise the custody agreement.

I wouldn't try to steer her to any conclusion, certainly not at first.

Just ask these questions and listen to her and collaborate and find the best solution.

If she's like, no, dad, please don't make me talk about what happened again.

It's too painful.

I'm not ready to go back there.

That's one thing.

And if she's like, oh, I don't really want to talk about what happened again, but I also don't want to have to live with mom.

I'm feeling pretty solid these days.

Maybe I could go on record again if I had to.

That's a different story.

Also, something else to consider.

I don't know for sure that your daughter would have to speak publicly about what happened to her in order to amend the custody agreement.

She might, but she also might not.

If you guys can provide evidence of what happened, maybe the judge will look at the record and just see for himself.

Also, my understanding is that when a minor speaks to a guardian ad litem, that conversation is generally private and confidential.

It's not like a big statement you make publicly in a courtroom.

And these conversations should happen alone in private, either at the GAL's office or at your home, maybe a neutral setting.

They're generally not recorded, I think.

They're not open to the public or other parties.

The GAL might summarize the child's preferences in some kind of report or in testimony before the the judge, but the exact conversation is rarely repeated verbatim.

That is my understanding as well.

Also, sensitive details like the abuse, that might be paraphrased to protect her emotional well-being.

All of this might differ state to state, case to case, of course, of talk to your attorney, but I just wanted to flag that because it might lower the risk of re-traumatization and it could change the calculus here.

No, it's a good point.

The other big variable is how far his daughter's come since all of this happened.

Yes.

She's in therapy.

She's a little older now.

Maybe she has more resilience and inner resources than he realizes to talk about some of what happened, if it meant getting the custody agreement that she wants.

But again, I think it's mostly her call.

I would also encourage your daughter to talk to her therapist about all of this.

Yes, good call.

I think that would be a great space to work through her questions and her concerns about speaking up again.

It's probably the first stop.

Or just figure out how she feels and what she really wants right now, because obviously any custody hearing is just the tip of the iceberg.

It's all the other pain and chaos that this would dredge up that that's the hard part to deal with.

Yeah, her therapist might also be able to tell her what the hearing will be like.

That might put her at ease or at least allow her to prep for it mentally, emotionally.

I also think, not to Lydia, your daughter's therapy here, but I would hope that your daughter and her therapist are doing some good work around her mom, helping her find a safer relationship with her, you know, coming up with good ways to manage any future retaliation or manipulation, because that's also part of the calculus here.

If you and your daughter decide, yes, let's go get this new custody agreement, and then her mom is like, well, you can't see your siblings anymore, or she ices her out as punishment, or whatever her go-to strategies are.

And your daughter and her therapist have a game plan.

They have a way of working through those injuries.

That also changes things.

That gives your daughter a lot more protection and a lot more agency here.

Maybe it's enough protection and agency to make the custody hearing more doable.

Or maybe it's enough protection and agency to not require a change to the custody agreement in the first place.

But again, that's for you guys to decide together and for her to drive.

And obviously a helpful custody agreement and good therapy would both be helpful, but you're right.

I do think that his daughter might find find some good protection by learning to have new conversations with her mom or drawing strong boundaries or deciding to ask the court to intervene.

Which, by the way, is important no matter what, because even with a new custody agreement, our friend here will never be able to control her mom completely, right?

He'll never be able to create a situation where mom absolutely never hurts daughter again.

She can still text the daughter or she can ignore the daughter or she can turn the rest of the family against her.

So in a way, yes, this is only a problem for another year or a year and a half.

Once she's an adult, she can't be forced to sleep at her mom's house or be forced to spend time with her or whatever.

But as an adult, she's still going to need that toolkit and she's still going to need that process to manage her mother because mom is going to keep being some kind of influence in her life.

And I'm guessing it's not going to suddenly become a great one.

Right.

So maybe the more important question is, how do you set her up to succeed there?

How can you play a supportive role in helping her find the most effective relationship with her mother given the circumstances?

How can you keep contributing to her healing and progress, which again, you are doing beautifully?

I am so sorry your daughter's been through this, my friend.

She doesn't deserve any of it.

And I'm sorry her mom doesn't know how to love and appreciate her.

That is really a tragedy.

That's her loss, truly.

But I know that you guys will find the right solution.

The most important thing is your relationship with your daughter and the work that she's doing on her own.

Sending you both a big hug and wishing you all the best.

You know what else you're going to want full custody of?

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okay time for the recommendation of the week i am addicted to lit fella so over the past year i've been doing a deep dive into carl jung does not surprise me at all I know.

I'm all Junged up over here these days, right?

Turning my life upside down.

I'm trying to avoid a midlife crisis by living my life to the fullest.

That's right.

I've read about Jung, never read Jung.

My understanding, just for anyone listening who's not familiar, it's like Sigmund Freud if Freud took too many mushrooms.

Is that accurate?

That is kind of a good way to describe him.

He's kind of like the wild man of psychology a little bit.

That's hilarious.

He is a little bit out there.

He was a very fascinating, bright, very strong analyst, super creative, but he had more of an interest than Freud did in the mystical aspects, I would say, of the unconscious mind.

He was very interested in like myth and how primitive stories capture archetypal truths and pathways to growth.

So that's where you get ideas like the collective unconscious, a lot of analyzing symbols and dreams, which is extremely useful, very interesting.

And also this interest he had in helping people individuate and flourish, stuff like that.

Didn't he have a psychotic break?

Possibly.

It's unclear.

He later called it a psychological crisis.

So yeah, good rebrand.

Nice little reframe there.

It's fascinating, actually, because he experienced things that do sound a lot like psychosis.

So there was a period where he said he was hearing voices and he was seeing images.

He supposedly saw World War I coming.

But the work he did during that period, which I believe led to this really amazing book called The Red Book, was his most profound work.

And it allowed him to kind of put himself back together, like he pieced his mind back together and he became sane again.

Anyway, I'm not going to go down a whole Jung rabbit hole here, here, but I've been reading a bunch of books by Jungian analysts and one of them had a huge impact on me.

It's this guy named James Hollis.

So James Hollis is a wonderful Jungian analyst, a very solid writer.

I found his books extremely formative and they're one of the reasons that I decided to trust this impulse that was telling me to go on the road and travel to new places and try a new way of life and yeah, confront myself a bit and try to live a bigger life.

Nice.

So did he have a psychotic break too?

No, no psychotic psychotic break for James Hollis, as far as I know.

Seems very steady, this guy.

But if you're interested in walking that line between, you know, rigorous psychoanalysis and spiritual growth, this guy is for you.

So my recommendation of the week is his book, What Matters Most.

It's an amazing read.

I've given copies to multiple friends.

They all loved it.

If you like our show and you want a super easy crash course in Carl Jung and you want to see your life in a new way, I think you're going to love it too.

Nice.

Now, I know Carl Jung's stuff can be powerful, but I've never gotten around to curling up with the red book or whatever.

It is dense, man.

I myself couldn't finish it, to be honest.

That's why I like reading these books by the neo-Jungians, you know, the other Jungians, because they kind of like synthesize his most important ideas.

You get a crash course in him, and then you get these other extra new ideas.

And it's usually in much more accessible language, which is cool.

Just let us know if you end up seeing World War III coming.

I'd love a little heads up on that.

I mean, I think we're already kind of in it, so.

Yeah, well, at least you didn't have to have a psychotic break to realize that.

I need you mentally intact for the show.

You need me sound bath insane, but no more.

Yes, just enough to keep buying women's blouses, but no must.

That's right.

Also, in case y'all didn't know, there's a subreddit for the show.

If you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, actually, a lot of Feedback Friday questions get discussed in the subreddit after they air.

And other people often share their takes and advice on questions and their experience.

And they explore other angles that we either missed or didn't have time to get into on the show.

That actually happens quite often in the subreddit.

So, by the way, if you write in, you're always welcome to update us in the subreddit as well if you want to share it with the whole community and not just us directly and that happens a lot as well people ask for updates and we get a lot of really interesting updates in there so you can find this on the jordan harbinger subreddit all right next up

hi jordan and gabe i'm in my 40s and i recently started dating an older man in his 60s i've always been attracted to older men But this guy is different from anyone I've ever dated, and I feel a strong love for him that I've never felt before.

He's separated from his wife, but they still live together in the same home as she refuses to leave and he feels bad about kicking her out.

He's also getting grief from his kids who don't know me and think that I might be some gold-digging enemy, which I'm not, as I have a high-paying job in legal finance.

He's open to his wife, family, friends, and contacts about his separation and his new relationship with me, so it's not a cheating situationship.

But oftentimes when he calls me or sees me, he's so hurt due to living in a difficult situation with a wife who can't accept that their marriage is over.

On my side, I've introduced him to my brother who really liked him.

When I introduced him to my dad, he straight out said, he's too old for you.

This hurt me deeply.

My father and I have had a difficult relationship.

He was absent for much of my life, and I hate that he now feels entitled to dictate my life choices, especially when my man is so consistently loving and present, which my dad is not.

Ah, wonder why he doesn't like him.

I'm too scared to introduce him to the rest of my family because they think my preference for older men is, quote, weird and looks like daddy issues, unquote.

I really love my man, but I also love my family.

Also, I'm not interested in having kids, so that's not a factor here.

Are these issues too large for this relationship to flower?

Should we listen to those around us?

What tips do you have for us to deal with family members who I feel are being selfish and not letting two people in love be together?

Signed, in a relationship that's fertile, but quickly starting to curdle because we find ourselves encircled by some critics who are quite verbal.

Really interesting questions.

So many layers and subplots here.

First of all, congrats on finding a guy that you love so much.

I assume if you feel this strongly about him, he's a solid person.

He's treating you well.

He loves and supports you as much as you do him.

I think that's all very sweet.

Your age gap is interesting.

Obviously, given your unique relationship with your own dad, there might be some element of daddy issues playing a role in your preference for older men, but not necessarily.

And also, it doesn't mean you can't be in a healthy, high-functioning relationship with somebody older.

But it sounds like you're already aware of all that.

I know it's not really what you're writing in about.

Having daddy issues and dating older men, name a more iconic duo, am I right?

I mean, on the other hand, my feeling is that this age gap is a lot different at 40 and 60 than it is at 20 and 40 or 30 and 50.

Very little judgment on my end about numerical age in relationships, but I do think that dating somebody 20 years older, it just means different things at different life phases.

And when you're 44 and your partner's 64, honestly, who gives a crap?

If you guys are connected, you share the same values, the same feelings, the same goals, if you're great together, I'm not saying there isn't something useful for you to understand about your attraction for older men, but I find it absurd to suggest.

that there's something automatically pathological or creepy about you dating a guy in his 60s at your age, especially if you're not compromising on anything important to you, like having kids.

Also, no one's business at this point in her life.

No one's business.

Certainly not her father, who was absent for most of her life.

I mean, this is the last guy who gets to have an opinion.

And who also doesn't sound particularly interested in understanding what their relationship is like and why she loves this guy so much.

Honestly, yeah, this guy's opinion is irrelevant to me.

I get why it matters to her.

But I think she has to take just a big step back and ask herself, what gives these people license to tell me who i can and cannot date at this stage of my life right do these people actually want to understand me do they actually want to get to know him or do they just want to control me and inflict their judgments on me basically obviously we don't know all these people in her family where they're coming from maybe they have some legitimate questions sure but legitimate questions are different from jumping straight to ah he's too old for you you have daddy issues this is weird i don't like it i'm just thinking about our friend from a couple weeks ago the woman who was thinking about becoming a single mother by choice do you remember that yeah and she was struggling with some of her family's opinions about that.

I was arguing something similar on that episode, that she needed to decide which voices to prioritize in her life and get clear about what really mattered most to her.

And you, Jordan, correctly pointed out that that is really difficult to do when these doubts are coming from your own family, especially if you really love your family, like our friend here does.

No, it's one of the hardest things.

And I totally get why she's tied up in knots about it.

But I think it's crucial for her, for all of us, to ask, okay, putting aside the fact that this is my dad, my mom, my grandma, whoever it is, why does their opinion carry so much weight with me?

At this age, especially.

Yeah, why does their opinion have a way of overshadowing my own opinion?

Yes.

Are they actually interested in helping me live my best life or not?

You know, do they have some other aim here?

Because that matters.

Exactly.

From where I'm sitting based on what she shared, it does not sound like her dad is interested in helping her live her best life.

Not really.

He's just shutting it down and slapping an easy label on it.

And I don't know this guy, but I have to think that he has his own complicated feelings about her partner, maybe all of her partners, perhaps informed by some of her patterns.

But ironically, those are probably patterns he himself created, which is why you were laughing during the letter, I think.

Exactly.

So it's like, maybe back up, dad, air quotes, dad, anyway, and ask yourself why we're having this conversation in the first place, huh?

But again, daddy issues or no, I don't think anyone, least of all him, gets to tell her not to be with this guy.

It's like, bro, you weren't even around for my, most of my life and you're going to tell me anything about how I should.

No, GTFO, the way you handle these people in your life is just to say, thank you for voicing your opinion.

I can assure you that I'm listening, I'm sitting with it, and I'm going to do what's right for me.

I don't think you owe them anything more than that right now.

The only thing that gives me some pause about this guy, and maybe this is part of what her family is reacting to, is that he still lives with his wife.

Honestly, that's fair.

I certainly have some questions about that situation.

I mean, yeah, look, we don't know how long they've been separated, what process they're in together, what he owes her, what he doesn't owe her, what she needs, whatever.

But she said that the wife refuses to accept that their marriage is over, which sounds problematic.

I mean, at a certain point, you say to somebody, okay, you might not want to accept it, but this is what's happening.

And then she also said that he feels bad about kicking her out, which is also problematic.

If their marriage is truly over, which it sounds like it is, and if he's now seriously involved with a new person he's building a new life with, then I feel he has a responsibility to clarify and define his life to reflect where he is now with our friend.

100%.

I mean, how long is this supposed to go on?

A year,

five years, forever?

At some point, they got to make it official.

It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to hurt his ex, which I can appreciate.

But the right thing to do here is to be clean and straightforward in his personal life.

He owes that to himself, too.

Remember, when he calls her, when he comes over to hang, he's so hurt.

Like, this guy's going through it because of his living situation.

Exactly.

This is for his benefit, too.

Everyone's paying the price.

But at this point, he's kind of doing this to himself.

It's sort of irrelevant whether his wife can't accept that their marriage is over.

It's over.

Now he has to say, hey, I'm sorry sorry this hurts so much.

I'm not trying to make things harder, but we're separated and we need to find our own homes now.

Yeah, at least get that process started.

This is the one area where I do wonder if this guy is truly ready to be in a full, committed, respectful relationship with our friend here.

And I do wonder whether this is a pattern of his, this fear of hurting people, his tendency to want to protect them that is leading to all of these costs.

Which, as we often talk about, is ultimately a way to spare himself.

If that's what her family has doubts about, his age aside, hey, maybe they have a bit of a point.

It might not be fun to hear.

They might not be articulating that very well.

But I would have to agree that this is an area where he probably needs to grow up a little bit.

And he needs to show our friend here that he's ready to honor their feelings for each other.

It's funny, Gabe, he's the older one, but in this one big way, she kind of has a few years on him.

Yeah.

Totally.

I don't know.

Time to put on your big boy pants, bro.

Have some tough conversations.

It's not going to kill you, and it's only going to help your relationship with our friend here.

And it might even make things easier with both of their families.

Speaking of their families, this thing about the kids thinking she's a gold digger, ooh, that's a tough obstacle to overcome and it sucks, but it's not insurmountable.

I think you just need more time with them and the right approach.

My hope is that as they get to know you better, your character, your values, your financial position, and if they can better appreciate their dad's feelings for you, which is another thing that's largely up to him.

That's another conversation he might need to learn to have better.

And my hope is that things with his kids will start to shift.

So, no, honestly, I don't feel that these issues are too large for this relationship to flower.

They're tough, but they're resolvable.

If this relationship is truly meaningful and these feelings are real, then it's worth it.

The key is to listen to the legit parts of other people's questions and criticism, factor them in, and then make a wise decision that honors your values, your needs.

But if your boyfriend refuses to put his ex-wife in the right place in his life, which is also putting you in the right place in his life, that would be definitely a bit of a red flag.

But talk to him about this, work through through this together, and see what he does.

I would also go back and listen to an old Feedback Friday episode where we took a letter from a woman who was also in a great relationship with an older guy.

And she was also asking us, you know, how do I deal with the stigma of our age gap?

And do I end it?

And do I find someone my own age?

Is that just easier?

I think you're going to find some interesting parallels in that story, or at least you'll feel less alone in those daddy issues.

But it was sweet because the last time I corresponded with that listener, I believe she stayed with this guy and they're doing great and their age is basically irrelevant.

Anyway, that was episode A24.

Again, I'm thrilled you found someone great and I hope you guys make it.

These roadblocks and bumps, they are stressful.

They are painful.

I know, but they're actually showing both of you where you need to grow in order to make this relationship successful.

We're rooting for you.

Good luck.

Go back and check out Michael Easter if you haven't done so yet.

The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know, like, and trust.

I'm teaching you how to do the same thing for yourself in our six-minute networking course.

I know you're not booking for a podcast or whatever, but look, this course is free.

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The drills take a few minutes a day.

And this stuff, I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago.

You got to dig the well before you get thirsty folks.

Build relationships before you need them.

You can find it all at sixminutenetworking.com.

Advertisers, discounts, ways to support the show, all searchable and clickable at jordanharbinger.com slash deals.

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and etc.

This show is created in association with Podcast One.

My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Tata Sedlauskis, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi.

Our advice and opinions are our own.

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Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show.

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Remember, we rise by lifting others.

Share the show with those you love.

If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today.

In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn.

And we'll see you next time.

What happens when the price of a box office hit is bending the knee to the Chinese Communist Party?

Chris Fenton spent years on the inside helping Hollywood navigate and often cave to China's demands.

And now he's exposing the billion-dollar influence campaign shaping what you see on screen.

So anything radio, film, and television, and that included print and digital, anything that was happening out there, the Ministry of Propaganda dictate.

When you look at the China market, right, you want to get your products and services in there to sell to 1.4 billion people.

It's just a massive market.

The Chinese Communist Party typically looks at whatever that product and service is and says, well, what's in it for us to give you access?

And for Hollywood, we realized what was in it for them was to actually help them build their own best-in-class domestic film industry.

So in order to get our films in there, not only did we have to censor certain things and proactively censor things and create brand integrated sort of storylines and put in Chinese actors and Chinese locations.

But on top of it, we had to teach them the process of actually making movies themselves.

In order to sell the fish in that market, we had to teach them how to fish.

And the Hollywood business has literally gone from an 85% market share to less than 5%.

That's happening in automobiles.

That's happening in sporting goods.

That's happening in various other technology.

It's going to eventually happen to Elan Elan and Tesla.

And we need to get really smart with how we're going to rebalance this relationship with China.

We do not want war with China, and we need to move forward in a way that allows us to coexist with the other superpower without getting into some sort of conflict.

For more on censorship and what really happens when the CCP calls the shots, check out episode 780 of the Jordan Harbinger Show.