RQ Network Feed Drop – The Penumbra Podcast “Thirst”

Hi everyone, it's Billy Hindle here.

Today we are sharing an episode from one of the brilliant podcasts on the RQ network, the Penumbra Podcast, and their latest series, Thirst.

Thirst is a horror satire about exploitative entertainment in a crumbling world.

In the first episode, called Can't Turn My Eyes From You, Chapter 1, Icebreaker, followers of young couple join a reality TV competition hoping to win a grand prize that promises safety and security in frightening times.

Find other brilliant episodes in this series by searching for the Penumbra podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.

Click the link in the show notes or find more information at rustyquill.com or thepenumbrapodcast.com.

Have fun and enjoy the episode.

Hello.

This is Harley Takagi Kaner, one of the creators of the Penumbra podcast.

If you're just checking out the feed for the first time, welcome.

If you've been a listener of the Juno Steel or Second Citadel series, welcome back.

We are so excited to share our new story, Thirst, with all of you.

If you are familiar with our previous work, I do want to let you know that Thirst is much more explicit and a lot darker than our other series, so I would not recommend it for children.

If you have concerns about potential triggers, those will always be listed at the end of the transcript and in the show notes.

And here in the series premiere, we have also included a more comprehensive list so that you can decide whether or not the show as a whole is right for you.

I do hope you decide to stick around though.

And now,

thirst.

Can't tear my eyes from you.

Chapter 1:

Icebreaker.

Claudia, Marcus.

It's been a long road to get here.

You've both made great sacrifices personally and professionally.

But if you want a shot at our $10,000 prize, plus that half acre of landlocked property, well, I hope you've both got something big up your sleeves.

You know the game by now.

Your loved ones are in the audience.

Your family, best friends.

Hell, Marcus, even your boss at the cannery took the day off to come and hear what you've been hiding from them.

Hi, Dave.

This better be good, Williams.

Our producers scoured America and interviewed thousands of applicants to find the deepest, darkest secrets we could.

Our private team of investigators is on standby to confirm anything our contestants claim.

So, Claudia, Marcus, if you want that $10,000, you're going to have to

mess your prize!

That's right, and we've learned a lot, haven't we?

Marcus, we learned you've been jealous of your little brother ever since he went missing 20 years ago.

So jealous you faked your report cards and diploma and hell, even your job, just to get mommy proud of you again.

And Claudia, who we?

Where Where do we even start?

Cheated your way through high school, plagiarized your valedictorian speech, beat a girl in your sorority within an inch of her life, and blamed it on her boyfriend.

I just hope you haven't let your best secrets loose too early.

Me too, Alex.

Me too.

But now, it's our final round, so each of you gets to pull just one last skeleton out of your closet.

Most terrible secret verified by our investigators wins.

Audience decides who tells first.

So, audience, are we ready?

Then get voting!

Wow, that's really extreme, isn't it?

Is this too much?

They're not all like this, I promise.

I just picked this one because the last thing our producers worked on, so I thought we could, you know, study the lay of the land a little.

Aw, producers.

Huh.

I'm not sure it quite hit me until you said that.

If this is too much, we can stop watching.

I promised you.

I know, I know.

Okay, okay.

I'm ready.

You're sure?

You're right.

We should study if we're going to.

That's my fault for not watching your kind of show earlier.

You can start it up again.

Okay.

Let's try to enjoy it, huh?

These secrets are gonna be juicy.

Juicy,

that's good.

The votes are in,

and Claudia looks like you're up first.

So, ready to confess your crimes?

Uh, okay,

Bill, I Bill, as in your supportive husband, Bill?

He's in the crowd today.

Why don't you stand up, Bill?

Let everybody get a good look at you.

Yeah, Claudia,

Bill, I

you know I love love you.

More than anything, I love you, and I regret it so much, but.

Just say it, please.

When you were in the hospital, when you had that heart attack, and the doctor said they didn't think you were going to make it, I.

I told you I had no reception and I missed your mother's calls.

That traffic was so bad I couldn't make it there.

Claudia, no.

It's not true.

I was with Chris.

For those playing at home, that's Chris Lyman, Claudia's ex.

You told me you weren't talking to him anymore.

After last time.

I saw your calls, but we'd had a few drinks, and he booked a hotel room, and we.

We were.

We were.

You.

You.

You sick bitch.

And Bill has left the building.

Burning bridges with the father of your child, Claudia.

That's a hell of a showing.

How do you feel?

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm like this.

I'm so sorry.

Great!

Our investigators are on the line with Mr.

Lyman now, and we'll get him to corroborate your story shortly.

That's gonna be hard to beat.

But first, Marcus.

I think you know what time it is.

I do, yeah.

Anybody you want to point your confession to?

My uh

mom.

Mama's boy Marcus strikes again.

Lydia, are you out there?

Stand on up, Lydia.

Help her out, folks.

Her knees aren't what they used to be.

Marky, please, you don't have to do this.

We lost the house, mom.

What am I supposed to do?

We can just leave.

Everything you've said so far, I forgive you.

Really, we could walk out of here and pretend this never happened.

So sorry, Mrs.

Williams, but we've got a contract with your boy's name on it that says otherwise.

Clock's ticking, Marcus.

What do you want to tell dear old ma and all the millions of Americans watching at home?

Mom,

I

know where Martin is.

Juicy!

Go on, Marcus.

Don't leave us hanging.

Dead or alive.

He's dead.

He has been for 20 years.

I was there when he died.

I'm the reason he's dead.

A murder confession!

You can't make this stuff up, people.

That's the magic of live television.

I didn't mean to do it.

It was the lake mom, the frozen lake, my grandpa's house, and he had been telling us all these stories about how he used to go ice skating there, and he told us not to, but

it was such a cold winter.

We'd never seen a frozen lake before.

Martin didn't want to go.

He thought it was dangerous, so I called him a chicken, and we got in a fight.

I pushed him hard.

I forgot that I meant to in a s-must be a lousy reception.

Come on.

Come on.

Get up?

Yeah, I told him he had to get up, but then the ice cracked, and just before he could reach him, we just

team of investigators is trawling Firefly Pond as we speak.

We'll be back with with the bloated corpse of Martin Williams after these messages from Family Oats.

Family Oats, a wholesome meal for the wholesome American family.

Damn, no service out here in the sticks, I guess.

We'll just have to look up who won later.

So, did you like confess your crimes?

I just don't know if I'm going to be able to do anything like that, Dennis.

What?

Beat me up and drown me in a frozen lake?

That's disappointing.

I wouldn't have married you if I knew that's where you drew the line.

Are you doing okay?

Me?

Yes.

Yes, I'm fine.

Of course, I'm fine.

Why wouldn't I be fine?

I'm really grateful that you agreed to do this, you know.

I know it's not nothing to you,

but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't so excited you're here.

I really miss you and I'm away filming a show.

I miss you too, Dee.

And I'm glad we're together.

I'm scared, but I trust you.

After all, I hear my teammate in this game is a real big deal.

Oh, am I a real big deal?

The size of the deal?

Big.

The realness?

Oh, you better believe it's real.

Damn it, every time.

What can I say?

Dennis Cruz does not lose.

I'm like one of those heroes in that book you gave me.

The one with the naked lady riding the fisherman's platter on the cover.

No, no, I'm not going to take the bait.

You know who that is.

Oh, you got me.

Who could ever forget the great myths about the woman born from the waves, soggy Catherine?

You'd better be careful, G.

Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, has done terrible things to men for saying much less than that.

Goddess of beauty, huh?

That's weird.

She doesn't look anything like you.

Disgusting.

I do my best.

But yeah, I'm like a mythological hero when you think about it.

One of the good ones.

Perseus never lost a fight, did he?

I think you're more of an Ajax.

Ajax.

Ajax.

Think Trojan.

No hints.

Ajax the Great, second best in the Greek army during the Trojan War.

So you do listen when I talk about work, but there's one big difference between me and him.

I'm second best on purpose, because the thing is...

The thing is, getting second place in a competition show is actually the smart move.

It is, though.

Because everybody loves an underdog.

Don't forget about the prize money.

And then you get the runner up prize without the press banging down your door all the time.

Pretty smart, right?

Wow, that is such a wise and intelligent and handsome thing you just said.

Did you come up with that or I learned from the second best?

Not for long, I'm not.

Because you and me are cashing out, babe.

And taking this competition show is how we do it.

You don't need to be nervous.

It's the end of the world, Anuk.

What?

I said, it's not the end of the world if we don't win this.

I can always go on another show.

So we'll get in there.

I'll try to figure out our win.

And if not,

who cares?

We got a free trip out into the country.

Do you really just call Western Moss the country city boy?

It's got trees, doesn't it?

That's country enough for me.

And anyway, country girl.

It's beautiful out here.

Air's great.

No flood risk.

Think of this as a paid vacation.

Just one where we could win $100 million in a house somewhere far away from the sea.

That would be nice.

You sure it's $100 million?

You prefer your contracts written or verbal?

Because I got both flavors.

The executive producer, Miss Laplace, she called me personally to give me the offer.

She did?

You didn't tell me that.

I didn't want you to feel pressured to say yes.

If you didn't want to, I would have just...

Anyway, Miss Laplace called me the day before we filmed our audition tape and asked me, Mr.

Cruz, you're married, right?

And I tell her I am, but for the right price, that can be dealt with.

And she says, how's a chance at $100 million sound to you?

And I tell her, it sounds great, of course, but you should have heard her, babe.

People love rooting for you, and it's time you were paid your due.

She even said she liked my videos, Anook.

She mentioned Recap Roundup by name.

See, the pros want us here, babe.

They're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do.

I promise.

And this Miss Laplace also produced that Confess Your Crimes show?

I really freaked you out watching that, didn't I?

I knew I should have picked 24-hour dodgeball for us to study.

No, no, it was great, obviously.

I just...

All that for a $10,000 prize?

That's nothing.

That's barely three days in the hospital.

And that man threw away his life confessing to murder for it?

They'll probably talk him down to manslaughter.

And the tears and the shouting and all that.

That's just theater.

Unwritten rule of these shows is if the audience gets bored watching you, the producers find a reason to give you the axe.

So the winners, they just play a good character, right?

But that doesn't mean that's who they really are.

They're nice, usually.

I just feel like I should have done more to prepare.

Watched more of these shows or studied them like you do.

I'm going to be so angry with myself if I let you down.

It's not your fault competition shows stress you out.

They aren't for everybody.

Just

almost everybody.

Listen, I'll say this as many times as you need.

I'm glad you're here.

I mean, when we win this thing, this is going to be my last competition show ever.

The Dennis Cruz Swan Song.

I'll still upload all my videos and stuff, but this is emotional for me.

I'm glad you're here to help, and you couldn't possibly let me down.

Honest.

Thanks, D.

It's just.

Yeah?

I'm sorry.

Doing these shows has just been so much of your life for so long.

Even more than your videos.

And it's just...

hard for me to believe it's almost over.

But you promised you're done after this.

Really?

I promise.

You keep your promises.

I know.

I mean it.

Get pumped, babe, because this is the finish line.

One more win, and we'll have enough for life.

We already have enough, D.

I just have to go full-time and no, nope, no, uh-uh.

When we first met, I promised you I'd support you until your paintings took off, and we're too close to give up now.

A hundred million, Anuka, place somewhere safe, somewhere we won't have to move from in 10 years.

I have to take that deal.

It'd be irresponsible not to.

Sure, it's gonna be hard.

And sure, these shows are scary, but they can't make you do anything.

So what's the worst that could happen?

You like that scariness, don't you?

I do.

But if I need a thrill in the future, I'll take up skydiving.

With a hundred million, I can buy my own plane.

Maybe you should buy a parachute first.

I knew I was forgetting something.

Can I ever tell you how lucky I am to have you?

Oh, you're shaking.

Don't be nervous.

I'm here.

I know.

I'm glad.

You'll feel better when this van gets us on set.

A little fresh air, a little crafty in your belly, and this will all seem much more doable.

Hey, uh, driver, sorry, I didn't get your name.

How much longer till we get

wherever wherever we're going

I Guess he's not very talkative

Did we just stop seems like yeah,

hope I didn't offend the guy

Everything all right up there, sir.

I don't have cell service.

Do you

doesn't look like

I'm just gonna check to see what's up?

It'll be fine.

He probably just needs help changing a tire or something

Hey, anything I can.

Huh?

Dee, why did we stop?

We're here, I guess.

Really?

Welcome to San Narciss University.

Contestants, please follow the signs to the student building.

I guess we're supposed to walk from here.

Did the driver say anything?

Ask him yourself.

Um, excuse me, is this

oh

nobody here but us mice?

Did the driver already go somewhere?

I didn't see anyone walk away.

I'm guessing it's an automated van.

Easier to keep things under wraps that way.

Nobody can leak our location if nobody knows we're here.

Wait, nobody knows where we are?

And the nearest city is how far away?

I mean, the producers know, and I'm sure they got emergency services on Speed Dial.

Let's give them a chance.

I'm sure they got something worked out.

Let's just grab our stuff and.

Shit.

Wait, hold on.

We don't have our bags yet.

What the hell?

I mean, at least it's going the same direction we are.

Then why couldn't it give us a ride?

Glitch in the programming, maybe.

When we get to the soon building, we'll figure it out.

We should get moving.

You are sure about this?

I am, but also it's not like we have a choice.

Teaser trailer airs tonight, and we haven't filmed a minute of it yet.

My brothers will be watching.

What about your aunt?

Uh, of course.

They can really edit the footage into a trailer that quickly.

It's already full.

That is pretty quick.

But Studio Laplace are some of the best in the business, I guess.

We should hurry in case we're late, though.

Come on, it'll be all right.

We've got each other, don't we?

Well,

I can't say I've ever screwed up this particular way before.

Don't say that.

You're making me nervous.

I mean, getting lost down a straight path, that is next level.

It's just, it's not even possible.

How could we be lost?

I don't know what else could have happened, though.

If the van was automated and it picked us up on time, it should have dropped us off on time, too, right?

And we've been walking this path pretty quickly, but I haven't seen the building yet.

I don't know how we're going to have time to film this thing.

Neither of us can tell your aunt about this.

I worked hard to get the micro shred of respect she's given me, and I'm not losing it that easy.

I wouldn't tell her.

Honestly, she'd probably kill me for staying out in the woods so long without bug spray.

I wouldn't give your aunt's horror stories that much credit.

You should have heard some of the stuff she was trying to get me to believe last time we went over for dinner.

Man-eating deer and giant ticks and whatever else.

I just kept wanting to be like, you know, this is Massachusetts, right?

Turkeys, Thanksgiving, you put a fish in the ground to make the corn grow, all that kind of thing.

The way she talks, you'd think this is like

Chernobyl or the backside of the moon or, I don't know, Florida.

Yeah,

yeah, she's a lot.

But

she is right about some things.

People really do keep disappearing in the woods.

Yeah, people always have, though.

And the wildlife, the mosquitoes.

I was watching a report yesterday that said the way they move, the way they swarm, it's almost like they can't.

Watching stuff like that, I don't see the point.

If nobody's even figured out why it's happening or what to do about it, I mean, why bother?

I just, well, maybe I shouldn't.

Sometimes I think it might be useful to see the bad things coming before they get here, you know?

Take it from your TV guy, babe.

You can't trust everything you hear on TV.

Watching the news.

That was your first mistake.

If I believe every bad thing they say on the news,

hell, I don't know how you could do that without going completely mental.

Mental.

Right.

It definitely feels that way.

We've been walking way too long to be on the right path.

Let me check my phone again.

See if I can get a GPS signal now.

Huh.

Dee?

Is something wrong?

I can't find my phone.

I must have dropped it at some point.

Dennis, your phone always falls out of those pockets.

They're too small.

I thought you were going to donate those pants.

I was, but then I checked again and

I gotta look good for the premiere, you know what I mean?

And have you seen my button these?

Yes, and it's juicy as held, D, but priorities, please.

Well, at least it's a straight path.

Let's go back.

Nope, no time.

I can run faster than you.

I'll go back for my phone, and you keep walking.

I'll catch up with you in a minute.

I really don't want to be in these woods alone.

Why not?

You and your aunt used to do that kind of thing all the time, right?

That's different.

How?

Come on, you're tough, babe.

Just feels different right now.

I don't want to be tough out here alone.

Well,

you're always tough, so you'll be okay.

I promise.

We're running behind schedule and breaking one of these contracts.

Trust me, that's something real to be scared of.

So keep walking, stay posi, and I'll catch up with you in a minute, okay?

Dee, we were just talking about the woods being dangerous.

What are you going to do if you come back to the disemboweled corpse of your wife?

I'll love you no matter where your bowels are, babe.

Be right back.

Love ya.

Grab my phone, find my babe, record the teaser.

Grab my phone, find my babe, record the teaser.

Love you, too.

Come on, Anuk.

You can't be afraid of Aunt Goat's ghost stories forever.

Because she's crazy, right?

She always says she's crazy.

There's no good reason to believe the world's ending.

Besides, you know the heat and no safe drinking water and biblical flooding so bad we don't even know where all this salt water is coming from.

And the climate of Siberia and the Sahara just switching places and the animals going completely crazy, just like Aunt Goat's crazy, and I'm crazy, and everyone's crazy.

And isn't life more fun inside the madhouse anyway?

Dee,

is that you?

I must have

just stepped on a twig or something.

Dennis?

Are you there?

Whoever's there, you better not.

No.

No,

it can't.

Dennis,

I need you to

Dennis, come back, please,

Dennis.

This wasn't supposed to

say if I never said it again, then this one

again.

Hey!

No!

No!

No!

Whoa, whoa!

What's going on?

Are you hurt?

How?

I didn't hear you.

You didn't hear me because you were making enough noise for both of us.

Take a breath and talk to me.

Are you in danger?

Are any bears or, I don't know, rural sex pests about to come running through those bushes?

What?

No, I

thought I had...

And the body,

that dead body, its face.

It's a deer, and it's too dead to hurt you now.

And that means you only have one job right now, and that's to get your shit together, okay?

We're going to do it together.

Can you handle that?

I...

Yes.

I can.

Good.

Sit up straight so you can have space to receive air.

Okay.

Nice.

Now, relax.

Get comfortable, soft gaze.

Okay.

Right.

Okay.

Now try to place your spirit somewhere down low, low above the buttocks and between the ovaries.

Okay.

Wait, what?

Now's not for talking, now's for breathing.

Ready?

Inhale for one, two,

three,

four.

Hold it in.

Two, three,

four.

Exhale, two,

three,

four.

Wow.

That was really and inhale, two, three,

four.

Hold, two,

three,

four.

exhale, two, three,

four.

Inhale, two, three,

four.

Hold, two, three,

four.

Exhale, two, three, four.

So

are we done yet?

The work is never done,

but like,

it literally is at some point, right?

There.

Ready to face the world again?

Yeah.

Sorry, I just heard.

I thought I heard something that I.

Sorry, yes.

Thank you.

No problem.

It's my job.

Finding lost women in the woods and helping them through panic attacks?

Yeah.

Huh.

So, like, do they have schools for that, or I would describe most of my clients as women lost in the woods.

I'm a spiritual healer, conduit for the unspoken wisdom of the universe,

yoga instructor.

Oh,

you meant, like, metaphorically.

That makes so much more sense.

I thought you were a park ranger or something.

I don't really care for that word.

Oh, uh.

Uh, are we all angry at park rangers now for some reason?

I meant metaphorically.

I just don't see the point in having a word for things that aren't true.

If it isn't true, why would we spend time talking about it?

So if we talk about it, it must be true.

Right, that's

huh, that's fun.

You're much nicer to talk to than my husband.

I guess that's another reason to be glad I lost him in the woods here.

Your husband.

Then, are you here for the competition show, too?

I am.

And I guess that makes you the competition.

I hope I don't end up regretting saving you from that pile of rotting meat that used to be a deer.

Ugh.

I'm Rain.

Rain Randolph.

And you?

Anukalhara.

Exotic.

Do you think that's going to give you an edge on the show?

I don't know.

I don't really watch shows like this.

Diving in the deep end first?

That's brave.

So, what's a brave girl like you doing screaming about dead deer in the middle of the woods?

The woods is like where dead deer live.

Didn't you notice its face?

Ugh, no.

The flies told me most of what I need to know.

Thanks.

Its face looks like it's been torn off, but the rest of its body.

It looks like it's been out here for a few weeks, but there are no signs of scavengers picking at the rest of its body.

Only the face.

It's just ripped away completely.

Huh.

Must just be a gross deer.

What?

It's it's just that scavengers don't behave that way.

Food is food, and there's a lot of meat on a deer this size.

Yeah, the dead deer is super weird and interesting, but you're from around here

with that accent?

Not originally, but most of my life, yeah.

Huh.

Massachusetts.

What a concept.

What was that?

I think I heard her over this way.

Come on, I'm moving as fast as I can, all right?

These aren't exactly hiking shoes.

Sounds to me like the kind of animal we really should be scared of.

Dennis?

Dennis, how do you know Dennis?

What?

Babe, there you are.

Dennis!

Oh,

that Dennis.

I thought you meant.

Jesus, Cruz, I asked you to wait up.

That, Dennis.

Happy to see you too, honey.

Let me clear things up before they get too confusing.

Um, Anook, this is my new pal, Dennis Lang.

And you must be Rain.

Nice to meet you.

I'm I know who you are.

I've watched TV before.

So, your guy is the Dennis Cruz, huh?

Yes.

I hear he's on a lot of shows like this one.

A lot?

He's on every one of these stupid shows.

Jackpot Triathlon, The Big Sexy House, John McGraw's Last Stand Saloon presented by John McGraw.

Quiz Me Daddy, Sell Me Your Trash, Gambler's Pair of Dice, Road Trip Warzone, Alone in the Mall with a Very Big Bear.

This is the winter when we disc content, the Great American Tax Write-Off.

If you're here, who's driving?

Business Boy Season 5.

And the third All-Star Season.

Right, the Princess of Prophet.

Have to ask, were you all really at each other's throats like that all the time?

Or that?

Oh, that was just an act.

Except Caleb.

Everybody really did hate that guy.

Really?

Then the punch.

Real.

Wait, Punches in the Bowl or like the fist?

Either.

Both.

I knew it.

God, that was such good TV.

I found All-Stars 2 more compelling, personally.

Uh, Dennis?

Yeah,

oh, that's not going to get annoying.

She said my name.

What was I supposed to do?

It rains right, though.

This is going to get confusing.

Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't we call you Dennis L?

And what are we calling you?

Oh, just Dennis is fine.

Ha!

Very funny.

I'm just absolutely busting about it.

Don't say busting.

No, I'm busting all over the place.

Hither and yon.

Sea to shining sea.

I'm just kidding anyway, Dennis L.

So glad we bumped into each other because, hey, babe, you're not going to believe this, but lying here knows the way to San Narciss.

I was worried we'd be late, but apparently they haven't haven't even set up for filming yet.

There's no way that's true.

I knew you'd say that, so I grabbed one of these on the way out.

An invitation to dinner?

One of the producers gave this to you?

I didn't see a producer while I was there, just the other contestants.

None of them had seen a producer either.

They said they'd each found one of these in their rooms.

Let's get going then.

I'm starving.

Think we have any more dentists in store for us, fellow dentists?

Guess we'll just have to hope we get lucky.

Hey, who's up for an icebreaker while we walk?

Hey, fascinating.

You must be the last person alive who actually likes icebreakers.

The world couldn't handle two of us.

Here's one that always gets people talking.

Doubt it.

If you were to be executed by firing squad, would you be a blindfold on or blindfold-off kind of guy?

Oh my god.

What?

I think it's kind of fun to think about.

A blindfold on, obviously.

That's the only rational answer.

If I'm gonna be dead anyway, why would I add all that suspense on top of it?

What up, hearty people?

Who's ready for dinner?

Huh.

Well, this wasn't exactly the vibe I was expecting to walk into.

Look, Dennis is back with friends.

You had us worried.

We thought all that screaming in the woods might have been you.

Haha, guess a little gratitude's too much to expect.

You heard that from here?

Oh, and look, now you made anook feel bad.

Um, it's our nook, actually.

Jesus Christ, can't anybody lay off me for like two seconds?

I'm glad nobody's hurt.

We were just discussing whether we should send someone to check and see what the screaming was all about.

Bad idea.

Splitting the group in the middle of unknown territory is asking for trouble.

And my husband would know he's a survival specialist.

I'm sorry.

That wasn't kind of me.

It's been a very long day.

Georgia Whitaker, and this is my husband, Capote Whitaker.

Pleasure.

Capote?

And I'm Holiday Murdoch, a psychology researcher at Arkansas College.

And the national hero sitting next to me is my husband, Murdock.

His name is Murdoch Murdock.

Everyone just calls me Murdoch.

But some people like to start with Sergeant.

Good to meet you, Sarge.

You know, my dad was military, too.

What branch?

Special Forces.

That must be a nice life.

Taxes bite off enough of my money that I bet you eat better than I do.

I'm retired.

Thank you for your service.

Well, it sounds like you already know my good pal, Dennis L.

Boy, do we, ever?

And this is my new friend, Rain.

I can introduce my own wife, thanks.

Rain, everybody.

Everybody, Rain.

Wow.

I'm so glad you're here to roll out the red carpet, Dennis L.

This is, of course, my beautiful wife, Anook.

Hello.

And I'm Cruz.

Cruz.

Reputation precedes me, I guess.

Cruz here thinks that the producer should be starting things up any minute now.

Who's gonna tell him?

Tell him what, exactly?

We've all been saying that for

how long now, Cap?

Eight hours.

Eight hours?

How much longer are they going to take?

We'll tell you as soon as anybody tells us.

Well, personally, I am just thrilled for this competition show to begin.

I'm so very confident in the love my Murdock and I have built together, and I will represent my country proudly.

What's with her?

Does she still think the show's already started?

She won't talk about it directly.

I think she thinks it'll make her look bad.

What?

Don't be silly.

That would be so paranoid.

Best way to make yourself paranoid is to act paranoid.

I don't think it's paranoid.

Great energy holiday.

Really fantastic.

Just some quick advice from someone who's written this rodeo a few times before.

Try to relax into it and have some fun, huh?

The cameras are gonna love that.

Really?

Really?

Look, people, I think holiday here has the right attitude.

You said you work at Arkansas College, right, Holiday?

Where is that exactly?

Why?

Just kidding, yeah.

But since we're sitting in the college dining room right now, that means we're on your turf, so I think we should follow your lead.

If the producers told us we're filming the teaser today, you can bet we're filming it.

And given that the thing's supposed to air in how long?

Half an hour.

Buy my watch.

Thank you, Sarge.

I think it's likely we're already filming.

Really?

I didn't see any cameras.

You never do on these things, obviously.

Not to burst your bubble, Dennis, but we've already tried most of the things you might expect for a hidden camera show.

So really, we were starting to wonder if.

Wonder if what?

Well, if there's been some kind of production error.

Hopefully just scheduling.

Hopefully.

What?

You think they just drove us out into the woods and abandoned us here?

Oh, my.

It seems unlikely, but the evidence is mounting.

There's food in the kitchen, but most of it looks like it's spoiled months ago.

There's a greenhouse on campus, but we would have to do some serious bushwhacking to see if there's anything edible growing there.

It looks like nobody's tended to it in years.

And, most interesting of all, in my opinion, is the obvious woodlouse infestation.

Ew?

Of course, woodlice typically gravitate toward damp wood, which

never mind.

I just think they're interesting.

That's weird, sure, but hell, we all have Marina Laplace's number, right?

So why don't we just call her and see what's up?

Someone must have reception out here.

That's the thing, Dennis.

Not one of us does.

Landlines don't work either.

Chucked them myself.

Then we're just

stranded out here without food or

anything?

Some canned.

Enough to last eight people one week, maybe two.

Jesus.

What about water?

We'll be thirsty, but we'll live.

Modern life in a nutshell.

Isn't it grand?

Well, there's nothing to stop us from just leaving on our own, is there?

I mean, maybe in the woods, but this is a small state.

It couldn't take more than a day.

I mean,

you don't want to do that.

Excuse me?

She's right, Holly.

Oh, well then,

I guess we'll all figure something out together.

I'm gonna be honest.

I'm not convinced there's anything to figure out here.

Respectfully, Dennis, if this is all just part of a game, why would the producers have kept us in the dark without so much as a hello for eight hours?

Well, maybe they were waiting for us.

And look, whether or not Studio Laplace has left us out here to die, we're gonna be stuck together for a while, so we might as well get to know each other, right?

No matter what's going on here, that seems like our next move.

Okay, I'm taking a walk.

My ice is already broken, thanks.

Have fun, Dennis L.

Well, it seems like we've lucked into two of the most charming dentists in the country.

You'll have to let me interview you before we're done here.

I'm sure my viewers would love to hear from you again.

Oh, do you have a channel online or something?

Yes, a small one.

Celebrity gossip.

I've covered you before.

That's so cool.

You'll have to send me a link, Georgia.

I can't believe I've never seen your stuff before.

Oh, you have.

Maybe the name Georgia Akubude sounds more familiar.

Sorry, you must be thinking of someone else.

No.

Well, what did you say about him in your videos?

You're married to him, I think you can probably guess.

She doesn't watch my shows.

Explains a lot.

So, Capote must help with your channel then.

Oh, no.

I'm.

well, I'm a writer of a kind, but a writer?

That's so exciting.

And what do you write?

Uh, nothing anybody reads.

Hey, uh, Georgia, didn't you say you already checked the kitchen?

Murdoch and I both did.

Why?

Then, what's this exactly?

Oh my goodness.

Is that a pot roast?

Looks like it.

Tastes like it, too.

May I?

May you what?

Um, maybe you could try a fork instead of your finger.

Oh, my goodness.

I think that's real beef.

That.

That can't be right.

I'm sure of it.

Where I grew up in Montana, there used to be cattle ranches, and ever since the water...

Well, I obviously haven't had real beef since I was a little girl.

Hey, we're really getting the star treatment.

This must be how the rich and famous eat.

It isn't, though.

I'm starving.

Bring that bad boy over here, Dennis, and let's dig in.

Uh, yeah, I'm happy to provide.

No reason to thank me.

I just found this while I was looking around, and I decided to, you know, share the wealth.

It's just the kind of guy I am.

Share the wealth as opposed to what?

Eating it all yourself?

Is that the alternative?

You want us to be proud of you for sharing our dinner instead of eating eight pounds of beef by yourself?

Obviously not.

There are...

Take that off your hands.

Sure, whatever.

Like I was saying, there are vegetables too.

You didn't hunt the cow, Dennis Elle.

Stop calling me that.

You haven't provided shit.

Dig in, people.

Let's not let a delicacy go to waste.

Yeah, help yourselves, guys.

So you're a writer, Capote.

That's awesome.

I bet you and Anuka have a lot to talk about.

She's an artist, too.

Tell them about it, baby.

Oh,

I wouldn't call it the same thing, really.

She's being modest.

Her paintings are just so, so good.

That sounds wonderful.

I don't know much about painting Anuk.

She says the paint she uses, this really rare paint that you can't even find online, it's wild.

But I guess something happened and they can't make it anymore, so now it's even rarer, right?

We really don't have to get into all that.

Why not?

Maybe one of them knows where you can get some.

I really don't think they will.

I've interviewed a few painters.

Maybe I have a connection.

What's it called?

Oh, really?

That'd be great.

It's called Banga Black.

Don't you mean Ada Black?

Oh, God.

See, thank you.

That's what I said.

But no, Anuk says it's a totally different thing.

And what's crazy is the name's J.

We don't have to act like children just because the lights went out.

Look, some kind of projector's playing on the wall.

Can't tear my eyes from you

Nothing else that I can do

Let me ask you a question America what's the craziest thing you would do for love?

I went to war for her.

Oh be serious.

We didn't meet until after you enlisted Well,

I didn't know you yet But I knew you were out there and I thought even if I never got to meet you, I'd do anything I could to make sure you never went thirsty.

And I meant it.

Oh,

oh, Squish.

It's a tough world out there, folks, and it feels like it's just getting tougher every day.

And times like this make you ask, how are we supposed to make it through?

So, I was in high school.

We don't have to say how long ago, and I was planning this stupid stunt for weeks, right?

I broke the lock on the door to the roof of the school, and I had this big banner I made that said, Will you go to prom with me, Kelly B?

You didn't.

Just wait, because it's so much worse than you think.

Because the fellas, right, they said I should lock the door behind me and knock him off the roof till Kelly B said yes.

So that's what I did.

They had to call the fire department to pull me off there.

Then Kelly didn't say yes?

No, but even worse, it turns out she was out sick that day, so all I got was an in-school suspension and a second-degree sunburn.

So what do we need to get by?

Well, you've probably guessed it by now.

It's your favorite four-letter word that doesn't rhyme with duck.

It's love, baby, and we're just living it.

I don't think I believe in crazy, really.

If an idea works, it works, and if it doesn't, it shouldn't matter how it sounds.

I'll agree with that, sure.

But do you remember that great master I studied under a few years ago?

You're not gonna convince me that there's a great master in Queen's Reign.

He had himself convinced enough for all of us, trust me.

But he did tell me this beautiful story about a spiritual wanderer whose lover died when they were both very young.

So she trained.

She trained for years on end to separate herself from her physical body, to travel everywhere else.

Everywhere that's real, that matters, but that you can't touch.

Well.

Let me finish.

She finds him, eventually.

But when she returns to her body, she sees that it's nothing but a pile of bones.

She'd been gone, searching, for a thousand years, but the journey had meant so much to her that she hadn't noticed the time pass her by.

I think.

I think if I could ever find that kind of strength within myself,

that's the kind of thing I might do for love.

Even if people think it's crazy.

I don't think that's crazy.

That's beautiful.

That great master, though.

Yikes.

Do you remember the hair?

Oh my god, what the hell did he call it?

That combination mohawk and white guy cornrows thing?

Cornhawk?

Oh, God.

Everyone's so negative these days.

You'd think the world was ending the way people talk.

But just because the problems are complicated doesn't mean the solutions have to be.

Love can save you, folks.

I mean it.

And we're gonna show you how.

You know, I used to have an apartment.

It was a nice place.

It did look a bit like a ghost lived there, yes, and the walls were totally bare.

But,

well, I liked it.

But then we got together, and I thought, I have to be with this woman.

And when you're with Georgia, you're living life at her pace.

I can count on one hand the number of nights I've slept in my own bed in the last year.

Besides that, it's just hotels all over the country.

Kapoti, I followed you into a literal war zone.

And you think the craziest thing you've done is sleep in hotels?

We're on a hunt for love, ladies and gents, and we've got top-of-the-line tech helping us track it down.

Our series of highly scientific tests of love, hell, our entire program will be designed by the most knowledgeable computer mind in the country.

And let me tell you, it's not going to let up until we prove we've found America's sweethearts.

Love will save you.

We'll show you how.

All you need to do is tune in and let the magic happen.

My name's Jedediah Jordan, and this is Can't Tear My Eyes From You.

Catch us Thursdays at 8 p.m., only on America's favorite channel.

Well,

that was...

That was really sweet, don't y'all think?

I didn't record any of that.

Yes, you did.

What are you talking about?

You were with me in that video.

You know we never filmed that.

Not in that room, sure.

That was from our audition tape.

Ours, too.

But how could it be from our audition tapes?

I've never been in the room they showed in that clip.

It's a digital composite.

They put our auditions onto new backgrounds, or their supposed state-of-the-art AI did, at least.

They've been able to do that for a long time, but it's more expensive and time-consuming than just finding a new room to record in, so it hasn't been in vogue for a while.

This is obviously just showing off whatever tech they're running.

I didn't know this show was being put together by an AI.

You didn't?

Ah, that's the only reason to be on this stupid thing.

It's gonna be a disaster.

The stuff they're promising with this AI, it can't even be half-true.

And you know this now?

Glad you asked, Whitaker.

See, my specialty is encoding thinking systems into interactive digital spaces.

He makes video games.

I make award-winning video games.

Strategy mostly, but it's the enemy AI that grabs people.

You develop a relationship with it over the course of a game, right?

It holds grudges, it gets jealous.

It's just a computer.

It doesn't feel anything.

My point is: if this AI could do what they say it can, I'd know.

And I don't, so it can't.

Huh.

And a lot of people pay money for that kind of thing?

It's better than watching the news.

Do they usually make fake videos of the contestants on shows like this, Mr.

Cruise?

Basically, don't be dense.

No, they don't.

In that clip, they had me drinking beer.

And how do I know I wasn't drinking beer when we were recording?

Because beer is for idiots.

Drinking all those carbohydrates, you might as well drink a loaf of bread.

I could drink a loaf of bread right now.

If they can make a video of us drinking things we never drank, what else could they show us doing?

Nothing our contracts say they can't.

Oh, we were supposed to specify everything we didn't want to be shown doing on our contracts then?

Silly me.

I got halfway through the Seven Deadly Sins and ran out of steam.

Babe, everything alright?

This is how TV is made?

And we signed up for it?

But what?

How?

I've interviewed enough competition show contestants to know that this is not how it's made.

And we're not gonna let Mr.

Cruz convince us all that this is normal.

You need some space?

You wanna get some air?

What I want to know is who turned on the darn projector.

Could the AI have done that, Dennis?

He's not the goddamn expert on everything here.

He was talking to you, Dennis L.

Then he should have.

Is

yeah well no she never did have any heels here good she has no difficulties we have to hat tonight new room tell me the number and I'll get it for you

what's with all the long faces love birds romance is in the air

was that

her water glass Jesus Anook you almost broke his nose oh my god good aim barely two inches off and all that water?

How...

how horrible.

Yes, she's not thirsty.

I don't know why.

It's just.

I didn't.

A nuke?

A nuke?

So sorry, just one second.

A nuke.

Well, the producers were telling me that this crop of contestants were dropped dead gorgeous, but I didn't think they meant that literally.

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Thank you.

And hey, speaking of behind-the-scenes content, one of our favorite rewards is our companion podcast for Thirst, Wet Hot American Doomsday, where Harley Harley and I chat with the actors and artists of Thirst.

This week we're talking about chemistry between actors with Melody Pereira and Joshua Evon.

Okay, I'll be blunt.

It is weird because I've never met Joshua.

I've only seen him through a tiny little window on Zoom or, you know, and.

And when you look through my windows when you were following me.

I'm a pervert, yes.

But

we'd also like to shower thanks upon our endless gratitude tier supporters who give so generously to keep our show alive.

Michaela Bear, Skyfire Forever, Radius Elna, The Werners Thanking the Penumber team for preserving and creating, June Goshoku, Jonathan the Wilkes Wilkes, Kiki's Podcast Patronage Service, Gregory Seidman, Ari Berry, Jay Hull, Diana Cause, Cortu, Desert Willow, The Lady Guinevere and the Extra Large Snack, Eden the Gay Bookworm, Jane Marie Cohen, Tanya's Robot Repair, Chloe DeMoulin, Charlie Kane, Joey Minshew in Memory of Spiral Opal, and Genetic.

Thank you all so much.

This episode of Thirst, Chapter 1, Icebreaker, was performed by Joshua Elon as Dennis Cruz, Melody Pereira as Anuka Kalhara, Marge Dunn as Rain Randolph, Stephan O'Birdie as Dennis Lang, Amanda Egbu as Georgia Whitaker, Quinn McKenzie as Capote Whitaker, Mark Pierre as Sargent Murdoch, Eleanor Cho Fellerhoff as Holiday Murdoch, and Alexander Stravinsky as The Host.

The Can't Tear My Eyes From You theme was written by Harrison M.

Beck.

Our composer is Ryan Vibert.

Our graphic designer is Jeff Wright.

Our head of operations is Ginny DiAngelo.

Thirst and the Penber podcast are created and produced by Harley Takagi Kaner, our director and sound designer, as well as Kevin Vibert.

That's me, our lead writer.

For additional credits, including credits for ensemble roles, our script editing team, our transcripts, and more, check out the show notes for this episode.

That's all the apocalypse we have time for today.

Thanks for listening and stay hydrated.

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