5 Things Only Fake Friends Do & How to Let Go of What No Longer Serves You with Trent Shelton

Speaker 2 Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 2 First of all, I'm so glad that you're here. Thank you for spending time with me.
It's an honor to be here with you. I also want to just take a moment and acknowledge you for something.

Speaker 2 You could be spending your time doing a bazillion other things, but you chose to listen. to a podcast that could help you create a better life.
And I personally think that's pretty amazing.

Speaker 2 So welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. and thank you for making this podcast one of the most popular podcasts in the entire world.

Speaker 2 I'm Mel Robbins and I'm on a mission to inspire and empower you with tools and expert resources that you need and deserve so that you can create a better life.

Speaker 2 And that brings me to what I want to talk to you about today. Have you ever wondered whether or not you're surrounded by the right people?

Speaker 2 Like just stop and consider. Maybe life is hard and it's not because of you.
Maybe the people that you're around are what's bringing you down. Well, that's what I want to talk to you about today.

Speaker 2 How to protect your peace and how to create more positive relationships with people that actually cheer you on, that believe in your potential, and that make your life better.

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Speaker 2 Hey, HFRM ML, and I'm so excited to talk to you today.

Speaker 2 And the reason why I'm so excited is because I want to give you and me permission to take a very critical look at the people that you surround yourself with.

Speaker 2 Are they helping you move your life forward or are they keeping you standing still? The fact is, your relationships have the single biggest impact on the quality of your life. I'm not making this up.

Speaker 2 This is so well researched.

Speaker 2 In fact, if you look at the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is the single most detailed study about the well-being of human beings of all time, it is so clear that positive relationships have the biggest impact on creating a positive life.

Speaker 1 But here's the deal.

Speaker 2 If you're surrounded by the wrong people, It is devastating to your happiness and it robs you of all of the potential that is available to you in in your life.

Speaker 2 And that's why I have invited my dear friend Trent Shelton to join you and me on the podcast today to talk about this. Here's one of my favorite quotes from Trent.

Speaker 2 At some point in your life, you get tired of unhealthy connections, whether it be people or things. And as you grow, certain things become intolerable to your liking.
And that's okay.

Speaker 2 But what you're going to learn today is it's more than okay to outgrow people.

Speaker 2 It's critical to identify unhealthy connections and learn how to protect your peace, create more positive relationships so that you can grow.

Speaker 2 In fact, Protect Your Peace is the name of Trent's brand new book, which absolutely is going to be his third bestseller. Now, let me tell you a little bit about Trent.

Speaker 2 After his NFL career, Trent took to inspiring people online. He now has 15 million followers, reaches over 60 million people a week, and he has an impassioned plea.

Speaker 2 Wake up and claim your power to change your life.

Speaker 2 So whether you are listening today for yourself or you are listening for a loved one who you're going to share this with because they need the reminder, here is what you're going to learn.

Speaker 2 You must protect your energy from the things that drain it. You must protect your mind from the things that distract you and protect your soul from the things that no longer fulfill you.

Speaker 2 So without further ado, please help me welcome my friend Trent Shelton to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 1 What up, Mel? How are you doing? Thanks.

Speaker 1 What up, Mel? I love you.

Speaker 1 You're the best.

Speaker 2 Wow, that's a lot. That's a lot that you've done in your life.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 it's been a long journey, you know, just with a lot of stuff.

Speaker 2 So, well, you've changed a lot of lives, Trent. And one of the things that you always say is you say that The number one thing that stands in the way of creating a more positive life

Speaker 2 is that so much is robbing you of your peace. For sure.
What is the biggest barrier for people in terms of creating a more powerful and positive life?

Speaker 1 I would say the main thing, Mel, I know in my life for people, it's been what's around your life.

Speaker 1 So many times in my life,

Speaker 1 when I look at my circle, whether me playing the NFL, whether me doing what I'm doing now, when I had the wrong environment around me, it drained me. It kept me from my peace.
I didn't feel energized.

Speaker 1 But when I got around the right people, it truly helped me.

Speaker 1 So I would tell like, look at your circle, look at your environment, because I think that's the main barrier from keeping you from where you want to go and what you want to do with your life.

Speaker 2 So for somebody that's never

Speaker 2 even thought about this,

Speaker 2 what does it feel like? Or how do you even know if you're like surrounded by the wrong people?

Speaker 1 Yeah. The first thing I would tell them is, how do you feel? When you're in the right environment around the right people, I always say this.
You never have to question anything that's real.

Speaker 1 So if you have so many questions about, are these people for me? Is this environment for me? Then you probably got your answer. Does this person love me?

Speaker 1 If all you have to offer was friendship, who would still be around? And that's a question I asked myself.

Speaker 1 And it exposed a lot to me because I knew if I just had friendship, I would lose a lot because a lot of people were around me because of what's around me. They didn't love Trent for

Speaker 1 the heart of who I am. They didn't love Trent for the human.
They love Trent because of what Trent could provide. And so when you lose those benefits,

Speaker 1 you'll see

Speaker 1 somebody's true loyalty to you.

Speaker 1 So I love to say when a benefit ends, that's when the loyalty stops.

Speaker 1 And so if you're drained, if you're empty, if you're always questioning things, if you're not fulfilled, you don't have peace in your life, that means that people around you aren't right.

Speaker 1 And sometimes it's family. Sometimes it's...
friends that you knew for years.

Speaker 1 But for myself, I refuse to allow the history to keep me in the misery because it's so hard because I knew this person since elementary or I knew this person for five or 10 years.

Speaker 1 I can't let go of this person.

Speaker 1 But just because who they were in their past to you doesn't mean they're going to be that in your future.

Speaker 1 And so that's helped me make decisions moving forward with my life when it became hard to let go of certain people that I didn't want to let go of, but I had to.

Speaker 2 I can already feel the person that's taking a walk with us right now or listening in their car going, oh, God.

Speaker 2 I know exactly who you're talking about in my life, Trent.

Speaker 2 I want to go a little bit deeper because I personally think, Trent, that so many of us go through our lives and we're not even aware that it could feel different.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 And, you know, here, you're somebody that was in the, in the NFL, and I would imagine that when you left your football career, that that was probably a tipping point where you're like, wait a minute, there's a lot of people that were around me when they could say they were friends with somebody in the NFL.

Speaker 2 For sure. But now that I'm not doing that, is that what you mean by benefits? And can you help somebody that has never even considered, wait a minute,

Speaker 2 are these people my friends? How do I even know?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, when I say benefits, it's what you have to give.
Okay. So

Speaker 1 I'll give a perfect example.

Speaker 1 When you say no,

Speaker 1 That's when you'll see how somebody really feels about you. And if no changes the relationship, then I would like to say that relationship wasn't real in the first place.

Speaker 1 So when I started saying no, aka the benefits, hey, now I want to go out to dinner tonight. Now we're not going to the club.
Now I'm not going to pay for it. I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 1 And you saw the energy shift.

Speaker 1 You saw side conversations

Speaker 1 about me, how I've changed, because that's the thing, male. When you start to change for the better, People say, oh, you changed.
I'm like, of course, that's what I'm supposed to do.

Speaker 1 But what changed is

Speaker 1 the position that I had in your life. So no longer can I be the person that you can use.
No longer can I be the person that allows non-reciprocation, meaning that if I give it, I expect to receive it.

Speaker 1 If I'm giving you support, I expect you to give me some support in some type of way. It doesn't have to be the same.

Speaker 1 And so once I saw that These friendships were a one-way street, I had to bring it to a dead end because friendships and relationships should always be a two-way street.

Speaker 1 And if it's not, you got to look at your life and say, okay, I need to change these people's position in my life.

Speaker 1 It doesn't mean that you kick them out your life and remove them, but sometimes you have to learn how to love people from a distance.

Speaker 1 And that's hard.

Speaker 1 But I have to do that. And that truly gave me more peace in my life.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm sitting here thinking about just this fact that you just said, which is as you grow, the role that people play in your life is going to change.

Speaker 2 And I can think about for myself personally that as I've really worked on myself and I got out of that habit of constantly complaining about what was going on and I just put my head down and got to work, I started to notice that the people that I used to spend a lot of time sitting around complaining about my life to,

Speaker 2 the position of their friendship and relationship changed because I didn't want to spend my time doing that anymore. That's right.
As I stopped partying as much as I used to, like that's a big one.

Speaker 2 Chris doesn't really drink at all.

Speaker 2 And when you stop prioritizing going out every weekend, spending money on that kind of stuff, you also start to notice that there are friendships that you have that are all around that type of life or that chapter of your life.

Speaker 2 But when you start to prioritize your health or some side hustle, that the position changes.

Speaker 2 What's one of the hardest things that you've had to do as you've started to realize, wow, like this person's only in my life because they're used to getting something from me that I was used to giving to people.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 1 So many times, think like which time.

Speaker 1 But I would have to say, I learned this in high school. Once I,

Speaker 1 and it's hard sometimes, Mel, when you're the person that is the success out the group,

Speaker 1 it's tough. Even in high school, I had a group of friends and obviously we all wanted to make it Division I football player.
Yep. And I was the one that made it and they did.

Speaker 1 And as I started to get recognition, they started to change on me. One of them even tried to talk to my girlfriend behind my back.
I'm like, come on, bro. Right.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 a lot of rumors and things that were said around people that I loved and cared about, would do anything for.

Speaker 1 And these are the same people that I would say, man, we all had this goal. And just because I made it, I made it, we all make it.

Speaker 1 And so I realized at that point in my life that, wait a minute, if you can't be happy for my happiness, that's a problem.

Speaker 1 If my success makes you bitter, that's a problem. Because a true friend, they will be more happy for you than you are for yourself.
A true friend, you got to say, hey, chill out.

Speaker 1 I know you're telling the world. I know you're excited, but don't do that.
But that's what a true friend is. And so in that moment, I realized, oh, these aren't people that are really for me.

Speaker 1 These are people that

Speaker 1 have me in their life for their convenience. Whatever that convenience is, like you say, maybe it's the party, maybe it's the popularity, maybe it's, you know, me always being there for them.

Speaker 1 And when I removed that convenience, I said, oh, man.

Speaker 1 And it was tough because

Speaker 1 these were people that like literally I would almost die for.

Speaker 2 You know, in listening to this story,

Speaker 2 I think a lot of you listening will see yourself in Trent, that you are working side by side with a group of people. And I think this happens in a lot of instances.

Speaker 2 You're going for Division I with dreams of making it to the NFL and being a professional player, and you're the one that breaks out. That's right.

Speaker 2 But people have that where you've got friends and you've always dreamt of having a family and raising families together.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden, somebody finds their person first and they're getting married first, or they're the ones having the family first, and you start to feel like you're getting left in the dust.

Speaker 2 And so, in some area of your life, whether it's in your career or sports or just personal experiences and goals, you've probably been in Trent's shoes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Trent, you say there are four types of people you can't be friends with. What's the first one?

Speaker 1 You can't be friends with the person that wants your life. And as a human, it's natural, I feel like, to have an emotion of jealousy a little bit.

Speaker 1 But when jealousy turns into envy, I think that's when it becomes a problem. Yes.
I always say envy is jealousy unchecked.

Speaker 1 And so.

Speaker 1 And I want to say this too, Mel. You can want somebody's life in a positive way.
You can look at that happy marriage and say, you know what? I want that for myself.

Speaker 1 You can look at that person succeeding in business. I want that for myself.
But when it becomes toxic and a problem is when you feel like you deserve

Speaker 1 the life that they have. Yeah.
When you don't know what they suffered through, what they've been through,

Speaker 1 when you don't know how much work that they put in, and you start to feel like their blessings are meant for you. I call it counting people's blessings.
It's almost like counting someone's pocket.

Speaker 1 When you look in somebody's pocket and say,

Speaker 1 I should get the money that they're making. But you don't know the sacrifices that they put in.

Speaker 1 And so what happens is I've seen this happen in relationships where you have the friend that, you know, is trying to put doubts in your mind about your marriage.

Speaker 1 And they plant seeds of doubt. They plant seeds of, oh, you're better for somebody else or that person isn't good enough for you.

Speaker 1 And there's times when a divorce happened or a broken relationship happened. And then that person ends up getting with the person that you were married to or that you were in a relationship with.

Speaker 1 So there's some people out there that will do anything to ruin your life.

Speaker 1 And to the people watching this, maybe even teenagers or college athletes or you're in a position at work, be careful because somebody that wants your life will, what I call trick you out of your position.

Speaker 1 They will put you in a compromising situation so you get caught up

Speaker 1 so they can get your position. So my dad always told me, he said, Trent, I know this sounds rude, but you only hang around people.
who have as much to lose as you.

Speaker 1 And what he was saying was, if you're around a group of friends that aren't the athlete, that aren't successful, guess who's going to be in the paper? Not them. That's right.

Speaker 1 And so at a young age, I understood that, but you got to be careful for those people that really want your life in a negative way.

Speaker 2 That's powerful stuff right there. Because I don't think we think about that.

Speaker 2 Like I'm the kind of person that goes through life thinking everybody has the best intentions, even though I know that when I was much younger and I hadn't done the work that I've done, that I was very insecure and I did engage in toxic patterns of behavior.

Speaker 2 And I wish I hadn't been like that. But I think it's so awesome that you are kind of really diving into this.
What are some of the other types of people that you really want to stay away from?

Speaker 2 What's the second person?

Speaker 1 You can't be friends with a person that's a terrible person. You know, birds of a feather flock together.

Speaker 1 And as much as you want to say, no, I'm not like them or I'm not like that, if you hang around it, the perception and people say, oh, perception doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 It does matter to an extent because there's some opportunities that won't find you because of what's around you.

Speaker 1 They look at your life and they look at what you're around. I've seen this happen in college sports all the time.
Oh, he hangs around those group of kids. He has to be like them.

Speaker 1 And so there's times in my life where I knew opportunities didn't come to me, not because I was a bad person or a bad kid.

Speaker 1 It's because I was around an environment that scared those opportunities away. And so I'll say it like this, Mel.
Say it.

Speaker 1 Don't be friends with somebody that you wouldn't want to trade places with.

Speaker 1 And I would stand on that. Character-wise, mindset-wise, life-wise,

Speaker 1 if you don't want to trade places with them, why are you around them? Because mindsets are very contagious.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, that

Speaker 2 quote that they say that you are the average of the five people you hang around with, I actually don't think it's the average.

Speaker 2 I think the lowest common denominator in that group is what everybody sinks to.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 2 And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be compassionate and supportive of people in your life that are struggling and that are trying to grow through things.

Speaker 2 But I think what Trent is really trying to get you to realize is that your time and your energy and your peace are the most important commodities that you have.

Speaker 2 And how you spend your time and energy and who you give it to is an asset. And it is critical that you start to take it more seriously.

Speaker 2 Are the people that you spend the majority of your time with actually headed in the same direction? Do they have goals? Are they making you think bigger?

Speaker 2 Or are they gossiping and dragging you down and having small mind conversations? So, how do you know if somebody's terrible? I mean, other than just like a gut check, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Watch how they treat the people who

Speaker 1 can't do anything for them.

Speaker 1 So, I'm always looking at not how you treat me, because especially when you're in a position, they're going to treat you a certain way but I watch how you treat other people that cannot do a thing for you I watch how you treat other people who have done a lot for you and so I look at that so if you're treating other people wrong

Speaker 2 no matter how good you treat me I'm not going to be around that that's true um I also love what you're saying about you know, you said this thing about not trading places with somebody.

Speaker 2 And I want to make sure that as you're listening, what Trent's talking about is character. That's right.

Speaker 2 That character is where you you really need to focus because that's where you're going to see the truth about somebody. Yeah.
Trent, I love everything you're saying.

Speaker 2 I want to take a quick break so we can hear a word from our sponsors, but don't you dare go anywhere because Trent is just getting started.

Speaker 2 And when we come back, he's going to share the other two types of people that you can't be friends with.

Speaker 2 And a little bit later, we're going to get into three steps to better boundaries and what to do when people in your life aren't happy for you. Stay with us.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you know this, but I wrote the Let Them Theory book with our 26-year-old daughter, Sawyer.

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Speaker 2 Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins, and you and I are hanging out with Trent Shelton.

Speaker 2 And holy cow, Trent is giving us a masterclass on protecting your peace, creating more positive relationships. He says there are four kinds of people that you cannot be friends with.

Speaker 2 Number one, the person who wants your life. Number two, a terrible person.
So Trent, what is the third type of person that you can't be friends with?

Speaker 1 You can't be friends with a person that gossips. Anybody can smile in your face.
Anybody can give you compliments.

Speaker 1 And the best way you identify this, if you're a person that talks about your friends to me, then I know you're talking about me behind my back. So I understand that right now.

Speaker 1 So some of us, we love to hear gossip. We love to hear things and drama.

Speaker 1 But understand, if those private conversations that someone has trusted that person with becomes public information, then you know that person is probably talking about you behind your back.

Speaker 1 You better understand that they're doing the same to you. So be very careful about who you tell your business to, especially when you know this person runs their mouth.

Speaker 1 I always say, I trust people for who they are. The problem is we trust people for who we want them to be.

Speaker 1 So if you're a gossiper, I trust you to be a gossiper. So I can't get mad if I give you some private stuff and you tell everybody I knew who you were.
If you're a liar, I expect you to lie.

Speaker 1 And it's okay. So you have to understand if somebody's bringing negativity about other people that you know that they care about,

Speaker 1 then what do you think they're doing behind your back?

Speaker 2 Exactly the same thing. Trent, one of the things I love about our friendship is that you have such a huge heart and a big mind.

Speaker 2 And the thing that you need to know about Trent is the man never talks about other people. He is always talking about ideas.
He's talking about his family. He is talking about business.

Speaker 2 He is talking about dreams. He is talking about the impact.

Speaker 2 And one thing that I really value in a friendship is somebody that does talk about ideas and their family rather than talking about other people.

Speaker 2 And you do that through and through and through.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And what's the fourth person that you can't be friends with?

Speaker 1 You can be friends with the person that's friends with your enemies.

Speaker 2 But how do you know who your enemies are?

Speaker 2 Seriously, because they're usually like sneaky and crafty, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so.

Speaker 1 This one's deep.

Speaker 1 There's obviously obvious enemies that you know. And honestly, I respect those.
I respect the people who I know don't like me. I do.
I respect it.

Speaker 1 I respect people online that say, Trent, I hate your guts. I respect it because at least I know where you stand.
Now, when it comes to the frenemies,

Speaker 1 this seems very earthy to say, but you have to trust their energy.

Speaker 1 When you give something you're excited about, trust their energy. Are they excited? Do they change the conversation and make it about them? Do they put more doubts in your life?

Speaker 1 Do they put more fears in your life? Do you get information that they're talking about you behind your back?

Speaker 1 Like they're silent enemies. And sometimes it's the people that you love the most

Speaker 1 that sometimes you can trust the least. Sometimes it's your best friend that doesn't want the best for you.
And so again, if you always have to question this, like, Why don't they ever show up for me?

Speaker 1 I told a friend this. I said,

Speaker 1 I said, always, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.
I said, I appreciate that. But if you're proud of me, why don't you ever take the time out to support me?

Speaker 1 Because I like the words, I'm proud. But at some point, there should be actions.
I'm having events for free. You're in the city.
Have you ever listened to the book or the podcast?

Speaker 1 You ever liked the post?

Speaker 1 So if you're that proud of me, like you say, it would show in some form or fashion.

Speaker 1 Not saying you have to be my biggest cheerleader, but if you're that proud of me, you would take the time out to support me.

Speaker 1 So look around because sometimes your greatest support system doesn't come from familiar faces. And it's okay.
Sometimes, as I say, God will place strangers in your life to take you to higher places.

Speaker 1 And I had to realize that. And so, with these enemies, the obvious ones are the things that do all these things behind your back.

Speaker 1 But it's the ones that you feel their energy and discernment that just something isn't right.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think you tend to notice that in periods where you're changing and growing because whatever it is that you're changing and growing and doing in this next chapter of your life the person knows they're not going with you and it's confronting to them that's right like i've had very similar experiences where

Speaker 2 you know people i would have called friends no congratulations on anything, never read a book, never listened to anything.

Speaker 2 And it's sort of one of those things where you almost dismiss it, like, but it's okay. But if you really think about it, you want the kind of people

Speaker 2 around you that are celebrating with you and also crying with you.

Speaker 2 And one of the things that I'm thinking a lot about as you're talking, Trent, is that this idea that oftentimes it's not the familiar faces that are your loudest supporters, that it's people that you are new friends with or complete strangers.

Speaker 2 And, you know, you got to remember, every one of your best friends began as a stranger. That's right.
The person that you're dating and married to began as a stranger.

Speaker 2 And I think a lot about this test. I wonder if you use this test.

Speaker 2 It's easy for me to share what's going wrong with people, but I am highly selective about who I share wins with.

Speaker 2 And it's made me realize that my circle of people that I truly trust is so small

Speaker 2 because there aren't a lot of people that I feel

Speaker 2 comfortable like calling and being like, oh my gosh, this is going on or that's going on.

Speaker 2 I mean, certainly our friend group that we text in, because we're all kind of doing the same thing and we're really supportive of one another.

Speaker 2 But aside from my family, I don't tell a lot of people about the wins. And I think that's kind of sad.
And I don't know if

Speaker 2 I really have to dig deep, I think it's because I'm afraid that if I'm celebrating myself, people are going to judge me as arrogant or, you know, do the old eye roll, that kind of thing.

Speaker 2 Do you ever worry about that?

Speaker 1 A thousand percent.

Speaker 1 I'm afraid at times it makes people uncomfortable

Speaker 1 and it changes someone's viewpoint of who you may be.

Speaker 1 But I do know not celebrating your wins

Speaker 1 almost becomes a burden. And I had that happen with me so much.
I would keep my

Speaker 1 wins, my victories, my celebrations silent. And I would become very deflective and change the subject.
Oh, it's all right. Yeah, I sold, you know, 100,000 books or whatever.
Oh, okay, whatever.

Speaker 1 And I wasn't appreciating it. And what you don't appreciate, I don't think it will duplicate.
I don't think it will grow. You start to feel,

Speaker 1 as I would say, just in a prison in what you're doing. And like you said, that should tell you a lot about who who you're around.

Speaker 1 If you can't talk about your wins, like my best friend, I can talk about any win and he's happy. He's hitting me up before I even know certain things.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And that's the type of people that you want to be around in your life. And when it comes to circle, the truth is, like, I wish that everybody can have this huge circle, but I do know this is true.

Speaker 1 And maybe you can relate. When my circle got smaller, my vision got clearer.

Speaker 1 Less became more. JC says it best in one of his songs.
He said, you know, there's not many of us. And he said, but still, there's plenty of us.

Speaker 1 Because sometimes it's the bigger the circle, the more drama, the more confusion, the more gossip. But as you tend to shrink down,

Speaker 1 you create this energy. You create this congruency.
You create these like mindsets. And I believe like mindsets are more powerful than anything.
You know, loyalty,

Speaker 1 strength.

Speaker 1 I don't believe is shown in numbers. Strength is shown in loyalty.
But if you have 10, 20 loyal people,

Speaker 1 that's all the strength that you need. So don't be afraid that, oh, I don't have a lot of people.
It's okay because you can always grow. But I know that's changed my life when I trim the fat and I

Speaker 1 when I trim the fat and I created more muscle, you know, by making my circle smaller, not because I wanted to, not because I want to isolate and everybody's bad. That's not my message.

Speaker 1 But it's like, I want congruency. And if I have two, three, 20, 30, as long as they're congruency, we can make a powerful impact and a powerful change.

Speaker 2 There's so many incredible things that you are saying. And so just thank you for

Speaker 2 not only going deep, but talking about how

Speaker 2 your life has changed by

Speaker 2 thinking about a smaller circle that's aligned energy and mindset and vision wise. And for those of you that are listening, particularly in your 20s,

Speaker 2 you know, you're going to be 40. I'm 55.
I'm like, I can't believe I'm that old. I cannot believe that I am double nickels, dude.
But I think this is something that you learn with age.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 That in your 20s and in college, everybody like roams in packs and big groups. And as you start to get a little bit older, you start to see and experience the wisdom in what Trent is saying.

Speaker 2 And that there is so much power in finding a smaller group of people that in this chapter of your life are vibing at the same energy and that are aligned in terms of vision and mindset.

Speaker 2 And, you know, I wanted to just share a little bit because I bet you have some wisdom on this too,

Speaker 2 to really pull apart reasons why

Speaker 2 people that are closest to you may struggle with being happier for you.

Speaker 2 And being somebody that can admit that I was that person, I really struggled with envy. I really struggled with jealousy.

Speaker 2 I had a very scarce mindset, Trent, particularly when Chris and I were struggling financially so much. And I felt like none of my friends were struggling.

Speaker 2 I was like the only one that was really going through it and hiding it. And my mindset became so freaking small.

Speaker 2 Like their success is somehow robbing me of my success, that their their happiness or their good relationship.

Speaker 2 I couldn't see it in that darkness as an example that it was possible for me. And, you know, I want to dive a little bit deeper into why people that love you can really struggle with supporting you.

Speaker 2 And, you know, one of the things that I know for me personally is I wasn't happy. I was having a very hard time.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I didn't know what to do.

Speaker 2 And it became easier to put my attention and negativity, like kind of at somebody else and aim it at them instead of turning it back inward at myself and saying, all right, you're in this mess.

Speaker 2 What are you going to do about it, Mel?

Speaker 2 Trent, I'm really curious. I want to ask you whether or not you've ever experienced this, this feeling where you were jealous or you didn't want other people to succeed.

Speaker 2 Have you ever been in that position in your life?

Speaker 1 I'll say this off top.

Speaker 1 In my life, when I got cut from the NFL, that was the lowest. Like, I was a hater at that point in my life.
Like, I didn't want to see anybody win. It was everybody else's fault.

Speaker 1 It was my parents' fault for not making me fast enough, right? It's everybody's fault.

Speaker 1 I was finding every reason to justify that I just wasn't good enough at the time, or there was something more for my life. I didn't realize that.

Speaker 1 But the thing that I would say for a lot of people is that

Speaker 1 sometimes we think the best way to heal our pain is to give pain.

Speaker 1 And for me, if I can make people feel like I feel, then I'm not lonely no more. Misery loves company.
So your happiness, it offends me because I'm not happy because I feel I deserve that life.

Speaker 1 So when I was at home and watching Peyton Manning or all these guys on TV, I'm like, oh, Peyton Manning's not that good. Oh, he's not, he's not,

Speaker 1 the receivers aren't that good. Because I wasn't happy.

Speaker 1 And this is funny, but it's true. Like, have you ever met a happy hater? No.
You haven't. You don't have time for it.
You don't have time for it. And so that was my issue that I was not happy.

Speaker 1 I lost something that I truly cared about. I felt like my life was over.
And so what do I do now?

Speaker 1 I'll just bring other people down to join my misery. And so I had to look in the mirror and say, listen, this is not getting you nowhere.
Deflecting and living life like this, it's everybody's fault.

Speaker 1 It's going to keep in the same place.

Speaker 1 So the words it all starts with you that's where it came from i said trent your change starts with you point the thumb at yourself accept and change this is over okay let's create something new don't turn into a person that you're not because oftentimes when we get hurt

Speaker 1 we turn into the hurt that something or someone else gave us and i have to heal from that and so yeah i would think number one is they aren't happy with their own life and i think it starts there If you're not happy with your own life, how could you ever be happy for someone else?

Speaker 1 You can't give what's not inside you to give

Speaker 2 it's so true

Speaker 1 what turned it around for you because you're literally like the most positive dude i know i mean everybody's hanging on every word 15 million people a day trent y'all catch me my good y'all catch me my good moments but um you stop pass it on pass it on do you need to hear this pass it on trent what changed my life was my son Tristan, because I knew that was the first moment in my life where I felt a responsibility.

Speaker 1 And listeners, you might not have a kid or you might not have, you know, somebody directly that you say, oh, this person is going to follow me, but you're a leader. You are a leader.

Speaker 1 You're leading somebody somewhere at some time to some place. And the question is, where are you leading them to? And so for me, when I looked at my life,

Speaker 1 I said, I don't want Tristan to follow this path.

Speaker 1 I don't want him to see his daddy as this person.

Speaker 1 So I said, if I can't change for me, let me change for him.

Speaker 1 So that took me looking in the mirror and facing some truths and making some changes about my life some things that i didn't want to change some things that i didn't want to bring back up some conversations that i didn't want to have but i love my son more than i love myself at that time i still love him but i love myself a lot too

Speaker 1 but i wanted to give him a better life and it started with me facing the truth because you know i'm a future thinker guy and i always think about the future trend

Speaker 1 What would the future trend? Now I put this on you. What would the future you tell you? And that future you is the greatest you.

Speaker 1 And the future trend told me, if you keep living this life, you're going to get to 80, 90, 70 with regret.

Speaker 1 And you're going to look back and wish that you would have made the changes that you know you needed to make. And so that always scares me.

Speaker 1 If I'm fearful of anything, it's that, because that produces regret. And I believe regret is the greatest poison to a soul.
So that's what made me want to change was my son, something bigger than me.

Speaker 2 If somebody doesn't have a person that comes to mind,

Speaker 2 how would you coach somebody to take that

Speaker 2 wisdom around regret and apply it to themselves right now? Somebody who's, you know, 22, graduated from college or maybe didn't go to college and is like, I don't even know what to do with my life.

Speaker 2 Like, how do you harness the future you to come into this moment and give you a Trent Shelton pep talk?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would tell you that you're going to meet a version of yourself in the future, whether that future is a year from now, 10 years from now, you're going to meet a version.

Speaker 1 And that version depends on the choices that you make. Do you want to meet a version that's even more sad or more depressed or more miserable than you are right now?

Speaker 1 Because if you don't change anything, that's what's going to happen. And I'll even take it this far.
Do you want to die unhappy? Do you want to die miserable? And for myself, I said no.

Speaker 1 And so you have to be able to take the change and make the choice to change right now. And it might not, you might not have it all figured out.
That's okay.

Speaker 1 Start with something small. For me, it was rehab time.
And rehab time wasn't me being a speaker. It wasn't a million followers.
It was me going to the gym because I could control that.

Speaker 1 It was me picking up a personal development book because Lil Wayne was my only development book at that time. It was me reading the book and saying, let me try reading this book.

Speaker 1 So it was me opening my life up to new possibilities. So if you don't like your life right now, you got to change your environment.

Speaker 1 You got to get around better, do better, listen to things, do things that you haven't done before, and start there because the future you is coming.

Speaker 1 So if you want to prevent regret, go all out right now and seek the better that you know you deserve.

Speaker 2 The future you is coming for sure, whether you like it or not.

Speaker 1 It's coming.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 if you're listening to this, here's what I know about you. You actually do want.

Speaker 2 to be better because you're listening to something and you're spending time with me Trent

Speaker 2 because you know that Trent has figured something out and I have figured something out. And what we've figured out is that you are responsible for what happens next.

Speaker 2 And you can choose to be a happier person. You can choose to have different habits.

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Speaker 2 Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins.
I'm here with Trent Shelton. You and I are learning how to protect our peace.

Speaker 2 And Trent, do you have advice for someone who's starting to recognize that there is a lot of negativity around them?

Speaker 2 As somebody's listening to this and they're like, oh my God, I got a bunch of like people around me that aren't supporting me.

Speaker 2 What are some of the first couple things that you would coach somebody to do?

Speaker 1 I would tell you first.

Speaker 1 Unclear communication puts unfair expectations on somebody.

Speaker 2 What does that mean?

Speaker 1 That means that some of you are expecting a change for somebody without communicating it. You're expecting somebody to be something for your life, but you haven't communicated it.

Speaker 1 Somebody might be disrespecting your boundaries, but you haven't communicated it. So you have to mature in that area and have those uncomfortable, hard conversations.
So for me, I send the invitation.

Speaker 1 I have the conversations.

Speaker 2 What does that mean? You sent an invitation that said, what?

Speaker 1 So the first thing I did, I called it, I sent out the invitation. I sent it out, sent it out to my friends, sent it out to the people that were kind of on the edge of my life.

Speaker 1 And I said, this is what I'm doing with my life. It's kind of like when you have a birthday party, send invitations.
You can't control if somebody comes or not.

Speaker 1 If they don't show up, don't complain about that I moved on or we had fun and you didn't show up. I said, this is what I'm doing with my life.
I'm no longer living like this. I'm no longer doing this.

Speaker 1 I'm no longer living this lifestyle. I'm retiring from being a rapper.
I'm no longer living in this environment because I got a kid.

Speaker 1 Because I got something big that I'm fighting for and I'm growing towards. And every level of my career, I do this because it's all, I just had a conversation two weeks ago.
This is where I'm going.

Speaker 1 And I refuse to,

Speaker 1 I think this is the issue, Mel, that a lot of us feel like we're leaving people behind. And a lot of us feel guilty about that.

Speaker 1 And that was me for so long until I realized, no, I sent the invitation out. I let you know where I'm going.
I didn't leave you behind. You chose to stay behind.
So I understand in that moment.

Speaker 1 So I would tell you, have the conversation, tell people, this is what I need from you. It's okay.
This is what I want from you. This is what I'm willing to give you because it's not always about them.

Speaker 1 It's about you too. It's reciprocation.
This is where I'm going because this is what I want to do in my life. And I refuse to get to the future me and live in regret.

Speaker 1 And so if they don't accept the invitation and come to your party of growth, then that's on them. And then you know where they stand in your life, but they can never say, oh, you didn't let me know.

Speaker 1 I didn't know what was going on. You clearly communicate what you expect from them.
It's up to them if they want to live up to that title or not.

Speaker 2 I love that.

Speaker 2 I love the focus on I'm not going to live in regret. I'm going to grow into my fullest possibility.
There was a moment where you were about to sound off and you paused.

Speaker 2 What was that about?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Maybe it was just my, I don't know exactly what I was going to say in that moment, to be honest. Maybe it was.

Speaker 2 You were like talking about two weeks ago. You're like, I'm going somewhere.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was about to.

Speaker 1 Well, I was about to put some information out there probably from two weeks ago that, you know, I want to protect the conversation.

Speaker 2 I respect that. See, there you are actually proving

Speaker 2 that you don't talk out of school.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 There you are proving your character. First of all, your ability to stop yourself and your ability to say with class that I'm just not going to talk about that.
That's a boundary for me. That's right.

Speaker 2 And I respect that. And that's important for you to both see that happening and to hear it because that's what you need to do.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 2 That's what you need to do in your life.

Speaker 2 How do you handle situations where you stood by somebody, but when you needed them, the favor was not returned?

Speaker 1 Some deep questions.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I'll start by saying this.

Speaker 1 I do believe that we are put on this earth to be used

Speaker 1 in a way of helping people, in a way of growing people, in a way of certain times being there for people. But I don't believe we're put on this earth to be misused.

Speaker 1 And so when it gets to a place in my life where I feel misused, I have a good heart. And I'm not saying that for brownie points, but I need to take my own advice.

Speaker 1 I give more chances than I probably should give. But at the end of the day, I made this decision because

Speaker 1 when you have this decision to cut people off, if you want to use that word, oftentimes you're viewed as cold-hearted. Right.

Speaker 1 And so I made a decision in my life, Mel, that says, you know what? That's fine. If people want to call me cold-hearted, I would rather be viewed as cold-hearted than live brokenhearted.

Speaker 1 And I'm not going to break my heart, continuing to be misused time and time again. So again, I have the conversation.
I let them know how I feel.

Speaker 1 I present the facts and even not even feelings because I always believe facts over feelings. So feelings to the side.
Let's leave feelings out this conversation. What's the facts?

Speaker 1 What's the facts of being a good friend?

Speaker 1 What's the facts of being a support system universally? Let's allow the facts to decide this. And the facts say no, no, no, no, no.
I always tell people, I don't say no to you. My principles do.

Speaker 1 My facts do. I'm loyal to my principles, not to people.
When I say that, people are like, I'm loyal to my principles. Cause if I'm loyal to people, I will say yes.
when I want to say no.

Speaker 1 I will say sure when I definitely don't want to do it. I will take on more from a person than I know I'm supposed to take on.
So I tell people, it's my principles.

Speaker 1 The way my principles are set up, I can't do this. I can't give this because I know if I ignore this, I know where that's going to lead myself.

Speaker 1 And so I look at my principles and allow my principles to make the decisions for me. Okay.

Speaker 2 My next question:

Speaker 2 every one of us wants to know the answer to.

Speaker 2 How the heck do you develop rock solid principles that are aligned with you?

Speaker 2 Because what you just said, I think, is the secret to creating the life that is meant for you and aligning that life with what you value and with really what matters to you.

Speaker 2 And this notion that you're loyal to your principles, not loyal to people, because I hear exactly what you're saying. I mean, especially those of us that are parents, we use that.

Speaker 1 Come on now, after all I've done for you, right, with our children.

Speaker 2 All right, mom. All right, dad.
See, he's laughing because he knows.

Speaker 1 He knows.

Speaker 2 But how do you develop principles that you can become loyal to, Trent?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think the first thing that you have to do is like know what you want in your life.

Speaker 1 Just by yourself. What do you want in your life? What do you want to feel? What do you want to experience? What is your greatest self look like? And you develop your principles around that.

Speaker 1 Where do you want to give? Right. What standards do you want to stand on? What values do you want to have? And that's different for everybody.
So one of mine is peace.

Speaker 1 That is Umro numeral one in my life is I prioritize my peace. And so for me, if I know no matter how great the opportunity is, no matter how

Speaker 1 much I'm missing out on, if my peace says no, then I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 1 So I would tell you, like,

Speaker 1 what are the things in your life that you need that you know will be the gps and the roadmap to lead you to a greater self not just externally but internally so what do you want to feel for some people you know it might be you know uh just honesty for some people it might be you know i want to be a person of integrity whatever it may be i want to be happy whatever it is you have that as your principles and you talk to your principles and have a conversation with your principal and say

Speaker 1 do i need to do this my piece says no or my piece says yes it's all right And it's hard, but every time I've ignored my principles, every single time I regretted it.

Speaker 1 Every time. And every time that I didn't ignore my principles and I stood on my principles, it didn't make sense at first.
Sometimes I immediately regret, like, dang, I'm missing out. Right.

Speaker 1 But down the line, I'm saying, I'm glad that I chose to stand on my principles. So, what do you need in your life and start there?

Speaker 1 Write down a list, maybe of five things, three things that you want in your life right now, you want to experience and say, these are my guiding forces to me living my most peaceful and fulfilled life.

Speaker 2 You know, one thing I want to acknowledge you for is that we were going to do this interview a couple months ago.

Speaker 2 And I got to give you a huge shout out because Trent texted me

Speaker 2 that week and was like, Mel, Tristan, your son had this opening football game. I am not going to miss it.

Speaker 2 And being a parent who also has a guiding principle that I do not want to miss out on the important things with my kids. I'm like, absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 2 In fact, I think it's so freaking amazing that that is what you would prioritize. And I'm calling that out because it's easy to let your emotions take over

Speaker 2 and to miss out on aligning your life with what actually matters to you.

Speaker 2 And this is a point that if this is the only thing that you take away from this conversation, which if you're listening, that would be impossible, given how much wisdom you are sharing with us, Trent.

Speaker 2 If the only thing that you took away is, I got to figure out what I want and what I value and come up with a set of principles that are my guiding force right now,

Speaker 2 if you just took that away, that would change your entire life.

Speaker 2 Full stop right now.

Speaker 2 And I even see the value in that because, you know, in what you and I do for a living, it's very public. And there are a lot of friends of ours that also have really big careers.

Speaker 2 And it's very easy to get caught up in, what's Trent doing? What's that doing? What do we do?

Speaker 2 But when you understand

Speaker 2 your guiding principles, you can reel back your own emotions and you can step back into both making decisions for yourself.

Speaker 2 And I also think this ties back to you being actually a very good supportive friend.

Speaker 2 Because when you're in your power and you are making decisions based on your principles, you're not letting those emotions rise up and have you engage in behavior that you might later regret.

Speaker 1 Very cool. Yeah, I like to sound loyal to my pace, Mel.

Speaker 2 Loyal to your piece. Pace.
Pace. What does that mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're a runner, right?

Speaker 2 I used to be.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you know what a pace setter is, right? Yes, it's very bad.

Speaker 2 Like I'm very slow.

Speaker 2 I'm actually famous for, I ran the New York City Marathon

Speaker 2 with a bunch of girlfriends. And then we went and ran the one in Houston.
And we were just doing it to kind of get away from our spouses because we could disappear to travel.

Speaker 2 So I'm talking by the time I dragged myself across that finish line, it was like six hours. I'm very infamous for being in the middle of one race and going, you know what? I need a coffee.

Speaker 2 and pulling off the race and running into a Starbucks and ordering an iced coffee, using the clean bathroom. You know, it costs me 20 minutes, but I don't care.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what I'm saying. You're loyal to your pace.
So a pace setter is somebody who sets the pace.

Speaker 1 Often Olympics, you might see somebody run out in front and they set the pace and they drop off.

Speaker 1 And what I see, and I wanted to touch on this because you talked about, you know, just comparison, kind of like seeing other people doing what they do. So for me,

Speaker 1 the reason even with Tristan, and I'll say this to that, is

Speaker 1 I know there's going to be and I believe there would be more opportunities, but it's not another opportunity to see his first eighth grade basketball game. That's a moment.

Speaker 1 So I think about that, like I can create other moments, but I can't get this moment back. And me losing so many people in my life, I understand the value of moments.

Speaker 1 But being loyal to my pace simply means that, well, if you're not loyal to your pace, you're going to burn out.

Speaker 1 So if you've ever seen somebody run a race and they're trying to keep up with the next person and they're trying to do what the next person's doing, they burn out.

Speaker 1 That happened to me plenty of times in half marathons with friends. I'm trying to keep up and I don't finish because I am trying to run a pace that is meant for them to run.

Speaker 1 So when I look out and I go into the world and I see our friends and people doing all these things, and I'm like, that's awesome for them. I'm happy.
But for me, that's not my pace. Right.

Speaker 1 And to some people, I might look like a turtle. To some people, I might look like a cheetah.
And that's okay. But the pace works for me.
The pace keeps me from burnout. The pace keeps me in my peace.

Speaker 1 And so I think a lot of people out there, their pace setter is scarcity. Their pace setter is comparison.
Their pace setter is panic. And

Speaker 1 I have to do all these things, or I don't have a lot in my life.

Speaker 1 And one thing that I can give to myself in my journey, and I've gotten out of pace before, but for the majority of my journey, these last 15 years, I've always had my own pace and been unapologetic about it.

Speaker 1 So I can say no to the big opportunity. I can say yes to the small opportunity because I understand what I need to run an efficient race in this life, in my business.

Speaker 1 So I I would tell you and ask you, what's setting the pace? Is it your confidence? If confidence is setting the pace, it's like, okay, they're doing that. Great for them.

Speaker 1 But I'm confident in myself that I will get to my finish line when I need to get there.

Speaker 1 So that's something I wanted to share because it's something that's really changed my life in my journey and me being consistent, you know, these last 15 years.

Speaker 2 The thing that you have to have that I think is really hard for people to truly

Speaker 2 coach yourself in that regard, like I'm I'm going to stick to my pace, is trust.

Speaker 1 There you go. That's it.

Speaker 2 How do you manufacture that? And I'm thinking about it in the context of one of our daughters who

Speaker 2 graduated from college, started in the corporate world, then left that job after 18 months and is trying to figure out what's next. And what I see

Speaker 2 in her is a lack of trust that she's going to figure it out.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I think think this is a very common thing, whether you've just gotten a divorce or you've been laid off, or maybe you started a career and you now, oh my God,

Speaker 2 don't know what you want to do because it's definitely not this thing, that you can start to panic and not trust the process.

Speaker 2 So what coaching do you have for anybody that's in this moment in their life where it feels either like the pace is way too slow or they don't have a sense if they're going in the right direction.

Speaker 2 And that kind of thing that is now driving is panic and distrust. How do you get back into trusting your life and yourself?

Speaker 1 So for me, and I would tell the person listening to this, like you have to, and I'm going to break this down.

Speaker 1 You have to trust even when you don't understand, even when it doesn't make sense, even when everything is going disarray.

Speaker 1 As an athlete, I have to trust that even if I'm losing the game by 10 points, I have to trust my training. I have to trust the work that I put in that we're going to make a comeback.

Speaker 1 And it's the same thing in life. Like you might be down on the scoreboard of life.
The beautiful thing about life is that you have a lot of opportunity, God willing, to always come back in your life.

Speaker 1 And so a lot of people, male that I feel, and I've been guilty of this too, we trust external alignment.

Speaker 1 And what that means is that if everything around me is lining up, then this must be meant for my life. We're on the right path.

Speaker 1 And I can say directly opposite at times where everything outside is lined up. I'm like, this ain't it.

Speaker 1 And then the opposite has happened where things aren't lining up, but I trusted my internal alignment.

Speaker 2 But how do you, so so like for somebody who's like, Trent, I want that so bad, Trent. How do I do that, Trent?

Speaker 2 Like, how do I, if I'm feeling like I'm spinning out of control and I've made all these bad decisions or I don't know how, how do you even begin that process of internal alignment and trusting?

Speaker 1 Well, number one, you have to let go of comparison. You have to disconnect

Speaker 1 from comparison. And it's hard.
Yeah. Because

Speaker 1 comparison.

Speaker 1 And this is my heart speaking right now. So if it doesn't make sense, excuse me, but you are enough.
And I know that's easier said than done.

Speaker 1 I know it sounds like some motivational stuff, but you have to really understand that and trust and believe by proving it to yourself. Who are you trying to prove it to?

Speaker 1 Are you trying to prove it to mommy, daddy, social media? You're trying to prove it to your friends. Are you proving it to yourself by doing that internal work to say, you know what?

Speaker 1 There's an internal alignment. And it's hard for me to explain.
There's an internal knowing. For me,

Speaker 1 I believe belief is the strongest thing that we can have. When you start believing in what you do, you're not tripping because you know at some point the door will open.

Speaker 1 And I believe faith is this, Mel. Believing a door will open for your life that doesn't even exist yet.

Speaker 1 And I want to be careful because I'm not telling people, telling people to be unorganized, but I stopped trusting my plan so much. I trusted my plan that I will have to adjust at some point.

Speaker 1 I trusted my first steps. And if my first steps didn't go right, I trust that there was something bigger for my life.
So that's the internal alignment that I talk about.

Speaker 1 It's a knowing in your soul that a lot of us ignore because a lot of us are afraid. A lot of us is like, I hear you, Trent, but my bills need to be paid.

Speaker 1 I hear you, Trent, but nobody's following me online. I hear you, Trent.
I started the podcast and nobody's listening. And then we don't, we, we, we go to external alignment.

Speaker 1 We start trusting that and we move away from that call and that gift in our soul. So I've always,

Speaker 1 and it's hard for me to explain, but I've always trusted the thing inside of here, no matter how it looked on the outside. And it always opened up a door for me.

Speaker 2 Well, the piece that I think

Speaker 2 you could cling on to if you're in that spot in your life right now is trusting that there is something bigger that's meant for your life.

Speaker 2 And one of the ways that

Speaker 2 I was able to grab on to that for myself when I was in the just pit of despair and lack of hope is the simple act.

Speaker 1 of

Speaker 2 getting yourself out of bed on those mornings where you're wallowing in a lack of trust and feeling like nothing is working out. Why?

Speaker 2 Because as Trent has just told you, you're looking around at everybody else. When you get out of bed on those mornings when you don't want to,

Speaker 2 that is proof that you believe there is something bigger meant for your life. When you

Speaker 2 force yourself to eat something that is fuel for your body instead of more crap process stuff that just makes you numb out, the choice to do something good for yourself is proof that you trust something bigger for your life.

Speaker 2 When you go to the gym, when you don't want to, that is proof. So for me,

Speaker 2 all of those little actions every day, even when I don't even know where it's leading, even when I didn't have a sense of direction, they are small acts of defiance.

Speaker 2 in the face of feeling stuck or hopeless.

Speaker 2 And that little rhythm that you can create of, well, I'm still getting out of bed and I'm still going to the gym and I'm still going to, you know, keep writing this memoir.

Speaker 2 I'm going to work on this business plan or I'm going to take this online course, even though I don't know where it's leading. That action for me has always helped me say,

Speaker 2 because I think something bigger is meant for me.

Speaker 2 And if I sit here and I wallow in it, or if I lay in bed and I stare at the ceiling and I hit the snooze button again, I am proving to myself that I don't believe that there's something bigger.

Speaker 2 And that may feel like it couldn't possibly help when you are lost, but I think both Trent and I believe the same thing, which is that small little momentum that you can create is what breaks through the darkness and the lack of hope.

Speaker 1 I call that soul momentum.

Speaker 2 Soul momentum?

Speaker 1 Ooh, that's a good term. Soul momentum.
Because momentum, as an athlete, I know how powerful momentum is. It's the invisible force.
that changes everything. And

Speaker 1 I fall in love with possibility. What you're just saying is the possibility of something better.

Speaker 1 And if you fall in love with that, eventually I believe you will meet the better that's waiting for you.

Speaker 1 But most people, again, we look at the external, we say, oh, well, me just getting out of bed, it's not going to change anything. And that mindset will never serve you.

Speaker 1 So, you know, create some meanings in your life that serve your soul and control what you can control and pray about the rest.

Speaker 2 You know, in your new book, Protect Your Peace, you talk about demanding your worth.

Speaker 1 How do you do that?

Speaker 1 Oh, man. And you're laughing.
So I'm like, uh-oh.

Speaker 1 I wasn't going to call it know your worth, but I feel like this year or just in my life and everybody, I feel like we need to be unapologetic some more and actually demand your worth.

Speaker 1 It doesn't mean that you're kicking in the office door and say, you need to pay me this. It doesn't mean that.

Speaker 1 It's just simply you understanding your worthiness inside of you because the world, in my experience, will try to put you on wholesale.

Speaker 1 The world will try to cheapen you and the more you can understand this truth i believe you were given worth before birth i believe you were set apart before birth and so when i look at people and coach people the number one thing that i see is people don't know their worth

Speaker 1 and often when i ask them well why don't you know your worth it's tied to something external every time how people feel about me how my job feels about me what's going on and i say well if you're think if your worth is tied to something external external, then how can you ever be consistent in loving yourself?

Speaker 1 Because now you're putting your life in the hands of something that can go up and down. My followers on social media, the algorithm, if your worth is tied to that, Lord, it's up and down.

Speaker 1 So I often tell people, cut the strings in your life. What's the puppet master that's controlling your worth? Cut it.
If it's, you know, how people, opinions, cut it. If it's comparison, cut it.

Speaker 1 If it's social media, cut it. And get back to a solid foundational principle of worth that doesn't change.
For me, it's faith. For other people, it's other things.

Speaker 1 And so if my worth is not in the things that I do, but my worth is in who I am, then I'm more confident than a man in my worth. There was a time where I was scared to ask for a certain speaking price.

Speaker 1 There was a time where I was kind of like, oh, do I deserve this? And I look back on my life. I say, you know what? Just because they don't think I'm worth it, I'm worth it.
I've been worth it.

Speaker 1 And I will forever be worth it. And I would tell the person, listen to this, repeat that every morning.
I'm worth it. I've been worth it.
I will forever be worth it. It doesn't make you stuck up.

Speaker 1 It doesn't make you conceited.

Speaker 1 It makes you a person that understands how valuable you are and when you understand that that's when you activate the power in your life and so when i mean demand your worth that means stop settling for less because settling leads to suffering if you settle in a certain area of your life you will start to suffer relationships business friendships any ship that's selling partnerships you will start to suffer at some point and suffering is poison for the soul And so demand your worth in that area.

Speaker 1 Demand your worth in friendships. Demand your worth in your business.
Demand your worth at your job if you have to. And it means having a conversation.

Speaker 1 Don't be, I'm not telling you to be ignorant and doing it, but start believing in yourself more, that you're worth more, that you are worthy.

Speaker 1 We can tell people all these things and give people all these tools. If you don't believe that you're worthy of it, you will never become it.

Speaker 2 For somebody who

Speaker 2 has like rock bottom self-worth,

Speaker 1 where do you begin?

Speaker 2 Like, because obviously it's internal and it begins with how you treat yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But if you were coaching somebody who does not have the faith that you have, but that really is like, but where do I even begin in terms of demanding my worth from myself?

Speaker 2 What are some small steps that somebody could take, Trent?

Speaker 1 Yeah. One, you got to strip away everything your worth is tied to.
Everything. Every person, every situation, your past.
That's the number one killer.

Speaker 1 A lot of people, and we can get into this, but they live with I call past lenses. They literally put their lenses on of your past and you see the world that way.
So I see the world as shame.

Speaker 1 I see the world as guilt. I see the world of I can never be enough because of my past.

Speaker 1 And I would tell the person listening to this right now, just because you have some bad chapters doesn't mean your story can't end well. So it starts with forgiving yourself.

Speaker 1 It starts with giving self-grace. It starts with understanding this truth that helps me.
Everybody's imperfect. Everybody got their mess.

Speaker 1 So just because people hide their struggles better than you, it doesn't make them better than you. So I'll start there.
What does it look like to love myself?

Speaker 1 What does it look like for me to give myself what it needs? What does it look like for some self-care? Start what you can control. And then from that point, then surround yourself around people who

Speaker 1 uplift your worth, who validate who you are, who make you feel good. And sometimes it's not your family.
Sometimes the people closest to you don't want the best for you. Sometimes they do.

Speaker 1 But maybe it's it's going to a conference. Maybe it's getting around a community group.
Maybe it's joining a run club.

Speaker 1 And the more you can get around people who can justify, not even validate, but help you understand that you are enough, you start to believe in yourself more.

Speaker 1 Because I bet you, Mel, that the person that doesn't feel like they have worth, I bet you their environment is full of

Speaker 1 them feeling like they're worthless.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think if you take what Trent is saying

Speaker 2 as the fact, because it is the fact, that your worth begins and ends with you.

Speaker 2 And if you start to just ask yourself that question, what would it look like if I actually did treat myself as if I was worthy?

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 2 You can come up with the list. I'd say nicer things.
I'd get out of bed. I'd make my bed.
I'd clean my room. I would start to take care of myself.
I would spend some time on some things I enjoy doing.

Speaker 2 I would stop hanging around with these negative people. I wouldn't waste so much much time on social media if I really valued myself.
That list of actions is the map. And what's interesting, and

Speaker 2 this is something that I know that you also have experienced in your life, is that this is so critical because when you start to raise your own standards for how you speak and talk to yourself, you hold yourself accountable to a different level.

Speaker 2 Your own energy from the inside out shifts the world around you.

Speaker 2 Right now, you are saying yes to things that you don't want to say yes to, that are beneath you, that you don't want to do, whether it's helping somebody move out of their spare apartment or if it's borrow, letting somebody borrow, you don't want to do it, but you say yes, which is a sign of you not valuing yourself.

Speaker 2 And what's interesting is sometimes I think the fastest access, and you talked about this at the very beginning, is start saying no.

Speaker 2 Start saying no all those times. No, I am not going to go to mom and dad's house and cook them dinner.
It is your turn,

Speaker 2 sibling of mine, to pull your share. I'm not doing it.
When you start to raise your own standards for yourself, a funny thing happens. The world starts to align consistently.
They may not like it,

Speaker 2 but something starts to shift because you're causing it.

Speaker 1 I love, love, love this.

Speaker 2 You know, let's talk to the person that is kind of the go-to for everybody else.

Speaker 2 Like maybe the ones taking care of aging parents, but none of the siblings are helping, or it's the single mom and they can't get any help from, you know, the former partner or somebody that's taken on everybody's work at work.

Speaker 2 You know, we've all been kind of that person once or twice.

Speaker 2 And they're ignoring themselves. What do you have to say to them, Trent?

Speaker 1 You tell people how to treat you by what you accept.

Speaker 1 You tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept.

Speaker 1 I'm a believer, and I'm sure there's exceptions to certain rules that

Speaker 1 people will consistently and continuously give you what you allow them to give you. I believe that you're in control of two things in this world: what you give,

Speaker 1 nobody can stop you giving anything, and what you accept.

Speaker 1 So, if I was like, male, you know, know, this is a cup of poison, drink it. Like, and I like, you wouldn't accept that.

Speaker 1 And it's crazy because I feel like emotionally, we accept so many emotional poisons in our life that we don't have to accept. Nobody can force you to accept it.

Speaker 1 And the first thing, it starts with, again, we go back to setting that boundary,

Speaker 1 saying no, boundaries are not walls to keep things out. We hear the word boundary, think, oh, boundaries are a bad thing and it's toxic.
And no, boundaries aren't walls to keep things out.

Speaker 1 Boundaries are bridges to let the right things in. Ooh,

Speaker 2 that was boundaries

Speaker 1 to keep things out. It can be.
If somebody makes it a wall where they disrespect your boundary over and over, then it becomes a wall. Like, hey, I'm blocking you from my phone.
Leave me alone.

Speaker 1 I'm blocking you. But boundaries aren't walls

Speaker 1 to keep things out.

Speaker 1 They're bridges to let the right things in.

Speaker 1 And what I I mean by this is, if you think about in your life, what you need.

Speaker 1 So if you need peace in your life, if you need some support in your life,

Speaker 1 what boundaries do you need to set? What bridge do you need to set that's going to lead you to that?

Speaker 1 That's in relationships. That's in marriage.
That's like, it makes it more beautiful. Me and my wife, we set boundaries with each other that makes it more beautiful.
I give her her time.

Speaker 1 on self-care day. She gives me my time, my hours.
And we're better for our kids and our family when we come back to that. Do I want to, every minute of her life? Yes.

Speaker 1 I want to, no, I don't want you to go out there, babe, but I realize that's what she needs. Friendships, boundaries, your work, boundaries.

Speaker 1 And the thing that I see is that so many people aren't setting boundaries or they're setting boundaries and not standing on their boundaries.

Speaker 1 So if you're the go-to person for everybody else, but you can't go to anybody, set a boundary. Say, hey.
If you can't do this for me, I'm not doing this for you no more. Unapologetically.

Speaker 1 If you're the person that's always being there for everybody, if you're somebody's 2 a.m.

Speaker 1 and they call you with all their problems, oh my gosh, then set a boundary. Hey, you know what? If you're not going to take my advice, don't call me no more with your problems.

Speaker 1 If I can't call you at 2 a.m., I call you. You sleep.
I get the do not disturb.

Speaker 1 Then set that boundary. And boundaries aren't a mean thing.
It's a necessary thing to protect your peace and to protect your energy.

Speaker 1 Because as we said at the beginning of this episode, you don't give it an infinite amount of energy to use.

Speaker 1 Like, no, it's a battery if we're honest some of us protect our phone battery more than we do our soul battery so true so

Speaker 1 to bring this back set boundaries and look at boundaries as bridges and i think it will change your life when you ask yourself what you need can i give him a three-step process with that please let's go

Speaker 1 number one when you're setting boundaries first ask yourself

Speaker 1 what do you need in your life right now write that down whatever it is peace I need sanity. I need better friends, whatever it is.
Number two, then ask yourself, what boundary do you need to set?

Speaker 1 Do I need to set that will lead me to what I need?

Speaker 1 Okay. Then number three, which is probably the most important,

Speaker 1 why

Speaker 1 do I have to

Speaker 1 not want to? Why do I have to stick to this boundary? And this boundary is something that can't budge. And write that down.
What is it costing you? I like to call it opportunity costs.

Speaker 1 What is it going to cost you not to stick to this boundary? Your future, your peace? Maybe you're a mom and you keep saying yes to everybody else and you're frustrated and now your kids get that.

Speaker 1 Maybe you're a dad and you're doing all the things and you can't be the man you need to be for your wife and your family? What is it costing you? Because it's costing you way more than you think.

Speaker 1 Get clear on that and start there.

Speaker 2 Amazing. Amazing.
You know, Trent, one of my favorite things about following you online is you've got this incredible series, A Message to You.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 2 love the hope and the inspiration and the wisdom that you are giving people every single day on social media. And if you do not follow Trent, follow him.
We'll link to all of it in the resources.

Speaker 2 But what message do you have for someone who feels like they've lost their way?

Speaker 1 If you feel like you lost your way,

Speaker 1 I would tell you congratulations.

Speaker 1 And the reason I say that is because if you're lost, that only means one thing. You're about to be found.
And sometimes you need to lose your way in order to find a better way.

Speaker 1 Sometimes you need to lose certain things to gain better things. Sometimes certain doors have to close that you want to keep open so a better door can come into your life.

Speaker 1 So I would tell you to have patience, have faith, never lose your belief, never lose your worth, and do know better is coming for your life. And you're probably at a breaking point.

Speaker 1 Again, congratulations, because a breaking point means one or two things.

Speaker 1 And I know after this episode, what you're going to choose, but one, it means you're going to break down.

Speaker 1 We're not doing that. Two, it means you're going to break through.

Speaker 1 And you're about to break through to a level that you couldn't even imagine because of everything that you went through. It's building you, not breaking you.
Keep going.

Speaker 1 I believe you.

Speaker 2 Like, that's what I love about listening to you when i hear you say that and the conviction in your voice i believe you and i know as you're listening you're like trent give me more give me more i believe you too trent so what message do you have for someone who's worried about their kids

Speaker 1 if you're worried about your kids

Speaker 1 i get it

Speaker 1 And that's a justifiable worry, but you have to learn how to let go and and trust. I know so many times we want to

Speaker 1 control our kids because we want to protect our kids. But you got to understand that, number one, you're doing an excellent job at planting seeds.

Speaker 1 But that's all you can do is plant seeds. As they continue to grow, they're going to make their own choices.

Speaker 1 And I can tell you from my life, my mother planted so many seeds that I didn't listen to until I got about 28, 29 years old. I'm still learning.

Speaker 1 But at the right time, those seeds took harvest in my life. So that work that you're doing, mom, dad, it isn't in vain.

Speaker 1 And your kids have a life that they're meant to live, a journey that they're meant to go on. So let them go.
And you just be the support system on the way.

Speaker 1 But give yourself some credit because you're doing things that you will never get thanks for. And that's what a leader is all about.
Proud of you.

Speaker 2 Thank you for saying you're proud of us.

Speaker 1 For sure. It's a lot.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I loved what you said about you're doing things that you're not getting credit for.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whether you're a parent or not, I think recognizing that in yourself, that you are showing up, that you're a good person, and that you're doing a whole lot that you're not getting credit for.

Speaker 2 What message do you have, Trent, for someone who is struggling with their purpose?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you're struggling with your purpose, I've been there.

Speaker 1 And I would like to make this suggestion to you, this idea that I have.

Speaker 1 What if purpose isn't something that you're, that you search for?

Speaker 1 It's who you are.

Speaker 1 What if you're searching for something that already exists? I believe that purpose is you. I believe you were created for purpose, on purpose, to do purpose, to share purpose, to breathe purpose.

Speaker 1 And I think what you're searching for is placement. It's validation from this world.

Speaker 1 And so I would like you to take ownership on who you are because I thought the NFL was my purpose until I lost it. Then I felt purposeless in my life.

Speaker 1 But now I believe that I am purpose. So I can take my life anywhere to create value, to make the room better, to use my voice to uplift.
And it's the same with you.

Speaker 1 So if you're at your job and you feel like this job holds no purpose, And I know you want to get out of it, I always tell people, if you can't change your situation, you must change your mindset towards it.

Speaker 1 So you bring the purpose into the job. You bring the energy into the job.
You bring the shift into the job.

Speaker 1 In whatever environment you go around, you make it better. And as you do that,

Speaker 1 you increase what I call a magnet. And that magnet will bring the right things into your life.
That magnet will increase what you need.

Speaker 1 And you don't have to go on this journey of chasing because often we chase and we're being led by scarcity, comparison, pain, and we find things that aren't meant for our life.

Speaker 1 But if you just stopped, reflect, and pause right now and said, I am purpose, say that, I am purpose

Speaker 1 and really believe that,

Speaker 1 you'll make impact in this world greater

Speaker 1 than anything that could ever be measured.

Speaker 1 Incredible.

Speaker 2 What message do you have for someone who needs to exit a toxic relationship?

Speaker 1 Leave.

Speaker 1 Protect your face.

Speaker 1 I would tell you,

Speaker 1 I would ask you that question I asked early in this episode. Do you want to die unhappy? I know that seems very, very like,

Speaker 1 but it's the truth.

Speaker 1 This is why I know you haven't left

Speaker 1 because you're afraid. You're afraid of the unknown.
You're afraid of leaving something that's familiar.

Speaker 1 Even if it's a familiar pain, most of us will choose a familiar pain than go seek an unknown peace. But I'll tell tell you this truth about moving on.

Speaker 1 Moving on is less about what you're moving on from and more about what you're moving on to.

Speaker 1 So create better value in what you're moving on to. Create a compelling future that pulls you away from that toxic.

Speaker 1 Because once you experience a life of peace, you'll never go back to that situation again. I'm sure you have an ex.
that you look back and say, how was I ever with that person?

Speaker 1 It's because you grew into what you deserve.

Speaker 1 And I know this is kind of harsh, but you deserve exactly what you settle for.

Speaker 1 I believe you deserve more,

Speaker 1 but you got to believe that yourself and go get it.

Speaker 2 Trent, I feel like everybody listening is going to go, this is exactly what I need to hear. You know, you talked about a magnet and being

Speaker 2 pulled into somebody's life. Yeah.
And it is so clear that you are your purpose.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like you embody it. And it's just an unbelievable gift to be able to experience it.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 2 For someone who feels like their current situation is the final destination for them, that they're stuck, what is your message to them?

Speaker 1 Give tomorrow a chance.

Speaker 1 That's what I would tell you.

Speaker 1 Your current situation is not your final destination.

Speaker 1 There's more to your your life. And I know right now it's hard for you to believe that,

Speaker 1 but I need you to believe it.

Speaker 1 Like everything you're currently facing is building you for something greater. And you have to believe that.
You're more than your struggles. You're more than your pain.

Speaker 1 I know you feel like nobody understands you. Nobody gets you.
I know you feel alone and isolated. That's what depression wants you to feel.

Speaker 1 But I want you to flood your life with appreciation, even for the little things, the small things, for breath in your body, for your heartbeat, because appreciation is the first step to elevating your life.

Speaker 1 So I want to tell you, I'm proud of you

Speaker 1 for not giving up when it's so easy to. I know how it feels to be at a breaking point in life where I don't want to live my life anymore.
But I'm glad that I didn't go through

Speaker 1 with those thoughts,

Speaker 1 those solemn battles that you're dealing with. Give that pain a voice.

Speaker 1 Because everything you're going through, I believe, will soon turn into everything you made it through.

Speaker 1 Keep going.

Speaker 2 One thing that I really appreciate is you.

Speaker 2 And if you are looking to hold on to what Trent is saying and find something to appreciate, I want you to really take a moment and just send

Speaker 2 that energy of appreciation to absolutely everything that Trent poured into you today.

Speaker 2 And the fact that you now have this conversation to listen to over and over and over and over again to remind yourself of what you're worth and the power that you have to change your life and the steps that you can take to do it.

Speaker 2 And I just wanted to give you one final question, Trent. What are your closing words to the person that's listening to you right now?

Speaker 1 Go get your best life,

Speaker 1 it's there for you.

Speaker 1 The path

Speaker 1 will be hard. The path looks like ups and downs, but I promise you it's worth it.
Don't give up.

Speaker 1 Keep climbing that mountain because your peak is coming. And there's somebody waiting on you to walk into your greatness.

Speaker 1 There's somebody that needs you to answer that gift, that calling that's in your soul. So your best life is coming for you.

Speaker 1 Make the world respect your greatness.

Speaker 1 It all starts with you.

Speaker 2 Trent Shelton, I love you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.
I love you too, Mel. I appreciate the opportunity and the platform for me to be able to share my words.
Forever grateful.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, I just know that you've just changed the lives of millions of people that are going to hear this. And I want to make sure to tell you in case no one else tells you this.

Speaker 2 I know you feel it because Trent poured into you with every ounce of his being, but I wanted to be sure that you know that I love you and I believe in you and your ability to protect your peace and go create a better life.

Speaker 2 Talk to you in a few days.

Speaker 1 There we go. Perfect.
Perfect. Perfect.
Okay, this is great. Okay.
Here we go.

Speaker 2 It looks fantastic. Here we go.
Okay, hold on a second.

Speaker 1 That was good what you just said. Okay.

Speaker 2 Hold on a second. We got to go back up.
Let's skip it. Let me just do one thing real quick.
Okay, you're right. Um, um, will you take it all the way till after the break?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, just jump into there. Okay,

Speaker 1 you're the best. It was supposed to be it's a break there, right? Yeah, I thought so.
Okay, I was like, that's the thing I was supposed to say. Yeah, she's like, You can say anything you want,

Speaker 1 sure.

Speaker 1 Portal is open, baby.

Speaker 2 Portal is open. The magnet.

Speaker 2 Oh my god,

Speaker 2 Trent.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, and one more thing.

Speaker 2 And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

Speaker 2 I'm just your friend.

Speaker 2 I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Speaker 1 Got it? Good.

Speaker 2 I'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 2 Stitcher.

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