4 Surprising Secrets of Successful Relationships (What I Learned From a Fight With My Daughter)

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Okay, real talk.

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Speaker 1 Order for pickup delivery or catering at grazecraze.com and use code MEL15 for 15% off your next order at participating locations. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 2 I just had an intrusive thought to interrupt to.

Speaker 1 You had an intrusive thought? What do you mean? To just be like,

Speaker 3 halfway through the welcome to Mel Robinson.

Speaker 3 Welcome to having kids on the show.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, as you can tell, I'm not alone.

Speaker 1 I have our 18-year-old son, Oakley, our our 23-year-old daughter, Kendall, and my awesome husband, Christopher Robbins, all here at Sirius XM Studios in Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 And we have piles and piles and piles of questions from listeners that are directed at Kendall and Oakley. And so we are just going to rapid fire your questions and crowdsource answers as a family.

Speaker 1 But before we start, can we please talk about the fact that I met Rhys Witherspoon?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I got to tell you this story. A couple days ago in New York, I'm there for work.
I get up early. I go exercise with Christine, who, you know, is our chief operating officer and your aunt.

Speaker 1 And we are walking back to the hotel that we're staying in. It's probably,

Speaker 1 I don't know, maybe quarter of eight o'clock in the morning. And you know how when you walk into some hotels, there's two sets of doors.

Speaker 1 There's that first door on the outside, and then there's that little like hallway area, and then the second set of doors. So we open up the first set of doors to walk into the hotel.

Speaker 1 And just as we're stepping into that vestibule area, 7.45 in the morning, the second set of doors open up and somebody walks through

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 there is a woman behind him walking with another woman. And the woman who was shorter was incredibly striking.
And she had dark sunglasses on.

Speaker 1 And I noticed her out of the corner of my eye, but I was busy talking to Christine about something because we, you know, had a busy day ahead of us. And as we pass by the two women,

Speaker 1 Rhys Witherspoon was the one wearing the sunglasses.

Speaker 1 She walks past me and then stops.

Speaker 3 She lowers her sunglasses and reaches over

Speaker 1 and says,

Speaker 1 excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just want to tell you I'm a huge fan of yours and I really love your work.

Speaker 3 I'm Rhys.

Speaker 1 And I

Speaker 1 nearly shed my pants.

Speaker 4 I would shit my pants.

Speaker 1 I admire her so much and I thought she knows who I am.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, I know who you are. You're Rhys freaking Witherspoon.

Speaker 1 And by the way, she looked

Speaker 1 gorgeous. I mean, she was so beautiful and inspiring and gracious and smart in real life.
All the things that you would want her to be from, you know, seeing her afar. She is that in real life.

Speaker 1 And I couldn't believe that she knew me. I mean, this is a person that I admire.
And so I was so floored by the whole thing. And I was like, you know, of course I know who you are.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, you know me. She's like, of course.
And she's like, you did a great job on the Today Show yesterday. I'm like, you saw me on the Today Show?

Speaker 1 She's like, well, I'm here today to be on the Today Show. And so we start to talk.
Now, by the way, she is ready to go on television and looks like a million dollars. I look like a troll.

Speaker 1 I have on Birkenstocks and socks and yoga tights, my hair pulled back, sweaty, greasy, disgusting. So we step outside.

Speaker 1 And now I'm really self-conscious because like it's Reese Witherspoon and we're on the sidewalk in New York City.

Speaker 1 And so I don't want to take up too much of her time and I don't want to draw attention and I don't want to be a weirdo. But at the same time, I am freaking out.

Speaker 1 And she says, I've been wanting to meet you and there's a bunch of stuff we're working on. And then we started talking about some other things.
And

Speaker 1 literally, I met Reese Witherspoon. And

Speaker 1 she asked me if I would want to come do something with her. And I'm like, yes, I would.
And, you know, you think those things happen. You're like, okay, that'll never happen.

Speaker 1 Maybe she was just being very gracious. When I looked on Instagram, she had already DM'd me.

Speaker 1 Guys, I met Reese Witherspoon. What are you thinking, Oak?

Speaker 4 It's awesome. It's awesome.

Speaker 1 It's awesome because, you know, it's one thing

Speaker 1 when somebody

Speaker 1 recognizes you.

Speaker 1 But it's a whole nother thing when it's somebody that you really admire.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm not the kind of person that really cares about famous people. I'm not starstruck ever.
You guys have seen me meet a bunch of famous people. Am I ever really that starstruck? No.

Speaker 1 Because we're all just human beings.

Speaker 3 People stop you because they admire you.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 2 Like, the feeling you have meeting Reese is how every other person feels meeting you.

Speaker 3 Really? Were you sad? I'm sure.

Speaker 4 When you met her? Were you nervous?

Speaker 1 Kinda.

Speaker 1 I mean, recently. Like, not even kinda, yes.
Like, I felt that moment.

Speaker 1 Like, have you ever felt that moment when you're, where all of a sudden your tongue gets really tied up or swollen and your mouth is dry and then your brain starts slowing down the moment and you can't quite find the words?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 1 I, I just, I, I, I, I didn't know what to say. I was so overcome by the fact that she

Speaker 1 admires what I'm doing because I admire what she's doing.

Speaker 1 And that was a really cool moment for me.

Speaker 1 That is cool. And of course I was wearing socks with Birkin socks when that happened.

Speaker 2 Birkin socks.

Speaker 3 Birkin's socks. I wear Birken socks.

Speaker 1 Vermont represent, man. So that was really cool.
Is there somebody that you would love to bump into that you really admire?

Speaker 3 Probably Jack Kornfield, Mark Nepo.

Speaker 3 Who are those guys?

Speaker 3 Thought leaders in the field of

Speaker 3 contemplative

Speaker 3 good question. I'm like, I'm tongue-tied.
I guess that's how I would be if I walked in and there was Jack.

Speaker 2 Would you say Swiss Army knife

Speaker 3 of

Speaker 3 meditative word here?

Speaker 3 Yeah, just

Speaker 3 a leader in the field of mindfulness and

Speaker 3 a prolific author and

Speaker 3 somebody that clearly has a very, very big heart for this world.

Speaker 1 What about you, Ken?

Speaker 3 Hmm.

Speaker 3 Probably.

Speaker 2 Oh, I would be starstruck if I met Olivia Dean.

Speaker 4 Not like Taylor Swift?

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, that's the obvious answer, but like, wouldn't we all be?

Speaker 3 We would.

Speaker 2 But yes, obviously, Taylor. I mean, come on.

Speaker 3 But Olivia, she's got some

Speaker 3 swagger. She's got some pipes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and they stopped you. We're like, yeah, dude, I've seen your stuff.

Speaker 4 I feel like it's going to be like out of nowhere, but I think if Lucky Day Kendall knows what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 Who the hell is that?

Speaker 4 An artist. An artist.

Speaker 1 And what does Lucky Day do?

Speaker 4 He just produces some cool music.

Speaker 4 Good music that i love to listen to and i i think i mean if he stopped me

Speaker 3 hold up

Speaker 3 you're getting choked up

Speaker 4 i don't know if he would ever actually listen to self-help stuff but if he stopped me and he said that what i said was very insightful i would like pee my pants because that would be pretty cool i'd be like i listen to you every day like that's that's sick

Speaker 1 well that was pretty sick so thank you for asking because i hadn't told you that story yet and i'm still um

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 floating about it. I can't believe it happened, honestly.
So Reese, if you're listening or somebody who knows her is listening, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 1 It was so cool to meet you and even cooler to see that you are just as smart and inspiring in person as I always thought you would be.

Speaker 1 All right. So you guys ready for questions? Sure.
Anything else anybody needs to get off their chest or beef that you have with one another that we need to talk about before we

Speaker 4 Kendall, I missed you. Oh,

Speaker 3 oak, I missed you too, bud.

Speaker 1 How long has it been since you guys have seen each other?

Speaker 3 A month.

Speaker 3 Two months. It hasn't been that long.
Two months.

Speaker 4 It hasn't been that long, but.

Speaker 3 Okay, you ready?

Speaker 3 Yees. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 1 So our first question comes from Chelsea. And she starts off by saying, Oakley, thanks for your honest answers and perspective into the mysterious world of the teenage boy.

Speaker 1 After a difficult past couple of years, socially breaking up, loss of a friend group, my 17-year-old son is very distant and seems mad 90% of the time.

Speaker 1 I didn't handle the issues that occurred very well for lots of reasons, and in hindsight, I wish I could have done things differently. I now think my son hates me.

Speaker 1 I worry he will leave after he graduates and never want to return. We have such little time left before he graduates from high school and is off in the world.

Speaker 1 How do I repair the relationship that I feel I damaged?

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 1 do you have any friends that hate their parents?

Speaker 4 Not any immediate friends, no.

Speaker 1 How would you answer this, Ken?

Speaker 3 Oh, God.

Speaker 4 Actually, I want to say one thing.

Speaker 4 I feel like there may be a lot of negative emotion present in his life, and I think that

Speaker 4 part of that emotion is from losing previous friends. And it's not all because of

Speaker 4 you, his parent. And so

Speaker 4 there's a very strong chance that he doesn't hate you, but he just has a lot of negative feelings. And like you're the only person that he can channel them into.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you always tell us that

Speaker 2 the reason we sometimes treat our family the worst is because we deep down we know that they're not going anywhere or we are under the assumption that I can call my mom any word that I want because she's my mom and she's not going to go anywhere.

Speaker 2 And especially if he's feeling isolated socially, I'm sure he's just taking a lot of the negative emotion, like Oakley said, that he's feeling out on his parents. I don't necessarily

Speaker 2 think in my experience, the friends I've had who didn't have great relationships with their parents blamed their parents. They just were frustrated about their general situation and feeling

Speaker 2 as though they couldn't move up or down or left or right. You know, they were just kind of stuck.
But I will say that if he's 17 and he's in high school

Speaker 2 and it's a social issue primarily, I'm sure that if when and if he does go to college and finds more friends and finds his footing socially, which I'm sure he will in college, I think that

Speaker 2 he will find some new perspective.

Speaker 3 I think that's true, but that doesn't solve mom's dilemma at the moment where she feels distant from her son. What would you want to hear from your mom or dad?

Speaker 1 Let's say that dad and I did something that really made you angry and that impacted your friend group

Speaker 1 and that impacted a relationship with somebody that you were dating

Speaker 1 and you were really mad about it. And now you felt isolated and you were mad that we did what we did.

Speaker 1 What would you want the parent to do?

Speaker 4 I would want you to apologize to me

Speaker 4 and say you're sorry for getting into my personal business and meddling with my affairs, I guess you could say, only because

Speaker 4 it shows that

Speaker 4 you're like you're human too and you make mistakes and that you're you also don't think that you're above it all.

Speaker 4 And that you're admitting to me that you realize that you hurt me in a, in a way, and you are sorry about what you did. And just like, I think the first step, 100% apologizing for

Speaker 3 what you did.

Speaker 1 You know what this is making me also think about, Oakley, is the number of times that I've apologized to you. And there's a lot that I screwed up and a lot of mistakes that I made.

Speaker 1 And you guys have always been super gracious in not only hearing the apology, but accepting it. And so thank you, thank you, thank you.
And there's one other thing I wanted to add to this.

Speaker 1 And it's understanding that when your kids go off to college or they go off to camp or they have these experiences where they leave home for a little bit, they don't leave forever.

Speaker 1 In fact, Kendall, There have been a number of times that you've reflected on the fact that when you got to college, you had so many friends tell you that they had terrible relationships with their families.

Speaker 1 They fought all the times, they couldn't stand their siblings, the parents were going through a divorce, whatever it may be. But while they were at college and they gained some perspective,

Speaker 1 something really shifted. In fact, something wonderful often happened.

Speaker 1 And I would love for you to share that insight that you have when we come back from a really short break to hear a word from our sponsors. Would that be okay?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Awesome. Stay with us, everybody.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back. I am so glad you're still here with us.
It's your friend Mel, and I am here with my family, Kendall, Chris, Oakley.

Speaker 1 Sawyer is off on the other side of the world on a solo backpacking trip. We miss you, Sawy, if you're listening to this.
And we're in the middle of answering a question from a listener named Chelsea.

Speaker 1 She's a mom, and she's worried that her 17-year-old son is mad at her and mad at her because of some stuff that she did, and that she may have screwed up so badly that her son may never speak to her again.

Speaker 1 And Oakley is assured her that your son is likely not mad at you, likely just mad at the world and taking it out on you. And Kendall, you know, you're a college graduate.

Speaker 1 And would you share what happened when you got to college and your friends who did not have a great relationship with their parents or their siblings or their family, they get to college, they get a little perspective.

Speaker 1 What did you see happening time and time again?

Speaker 2 Just that once you have some space from your family, you tend to appreciate them more because now that you're one step closer to the real world and and you've flown a bit from the nest, you can start to appreciate everything they did for you when you were there.

Speaker 2 And I think when you have space from that environment, you can start to see it in a new perspective, which

Speaker 2 your relationship with your family, I think, naturally sort of evolves once you move out.

Speaker 3 Trevor Burrus, Jr.: You've shared with me that you also get

Speaker 3 your perspective on

Speaker 3 the types of relationships that might exist out there between parents and children widens

Speaker 3 hugely once you get to college. I mean, you sort of know what you know or see what you see in high school, but as you get a little older and get out there,

Speaker 3 your understanding of all the different ways that you can. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I think

Speaker 2 there were things that my parents did in high school that I was pissed at them for.

Speaker 2 And now that I've...

Speaker 3 We're right here. You can tell

Speaker 3 well,

Speaker 3 that's what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 You knew in the moment.

Speaker 3 Don't even pretend. But

Speaker 3 there were

Speaker 2 dozens of things that you did when I was in high school that I hated you for.

Speaker 3 Like what? Name one.

Speaker 2 Didn't let me go to some parties, didn't let me hang out with some people.

Speaker 2 Gave me even even if it wasn't

Speaker 2 preventing me from actually

Speaker 2 doing an activity, just giving me opinions that I didn't want to hear all the time,

Speaker 3 just parenting me.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 But there were so many things you did that pissed me off and made me so angry at you, and made me slam doors and point fingers,

Speaker 2 specifically middle fingers. And

Speaker 2 now that I have

Speaker 2 had a lot of years outside of the house, and I don't live at home anymore, and I've graduated college, I can now see all of those things you did in retrospect as just trying to keep me safe and just trying to

Speaker 2 love me and set me up for success over and over and over. And

Speaker 2 I can now see that if I was a parent and my child was doing the same things I was trying to do, I would be,

Speaker 2 I would have acted in the same way that you did. And I don't resent you for it, you know?

Speaker 3 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 What do we do that pisses you off, folk?

Speaker 3 We talk to them in the morning.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's. Yeah, honestly, that's my biggest thing.

Speaker 4 There's been so many times where I've been like in the kitchen trying to like fill up my water bottle for the day, and you come in and start having a conversation with me.

Speaker 3 And it's like, I want to like uppercut you.

Speaker 4 I'm like, I'm like, please get away from me.

Speaker 2 I actually

Speaker 2 had the exact same experience this morning with mom.

Speaker 1 We had the worst fight, you guys.

Speaker 2 Okay, you're still being dramatic, like you were doing this morning.

Speaker 3 Can we talk about what happened?

Speaker 2 Yes, we will. And I would like to formally apologize for being super grumpy and

Speaker 3 rude.

Speaker 1 Thank you. You're welcome.

Speaker 2 And I'm really sorry for treating you like S-H-I-T because I was really rude this morning and I feel bad about it.

Speaker 3 Wow. Thank you.

Speaker 3 Is that a blanket statement for everything that's happened up until now?

Speaker 1 No, but you know what?

Speaker 1 I actually think it's a good thing to unpack because this is the kind of argument that we had this morning that happens over and over and over again in families, between siblings, between Chris and I.

Speaker 1 And it's just a stupid thing. But we got at each other over it.
And here's what happened. So I, I, I, I, what?

Speaker 2 I, I was just laughing at like thinking about being a fly on the wall during that fight. Would have, I would have needed popcorn.

Speaker 3 Like, it was, it was,

Speaker 2 let me set the scene for you. Do it.
Mom and I, we had a mother-daughter dinner with my roommate and her mom. It was amazing.
We stayed up very late. We had a few drinks

Speaker 2 and a few gummies. And we were laughing.
We laughed our butts off and just wore matching PJs to bed. Shout out to my roommate's mom.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 we had booked a 7 a.m. workout class the night before.
And before bed, we're climbing into bed and we both are looking at each other saying, no, we're not going to make the class.

Speaker 3 We're not going to make the class.

Speaker 2 But my mom had to be here at nine in the morning. So we still had our alarm set pretty early.
So we go to bed an hour into trying to fall asleep. My mom is a furnace.

Speaker 2 I'm sure you know what it's like sleeping next to her, but my room has zero ventilation and it's already hot.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 more like a nuclear reactor. Yeah, I am.

Speaker 2 A furnace is an understatement.

Speaker 3 You like, I radiate heat.

Speaker 2 Yes. And so all night I was tossing and turning, sweating.

Speaker 3 Oh, whoa.

Speaker 3 Whoa. Okay.

Speaker 2 But anyway, I was tossing and turning all night. Didn't get great sleep, partially because of the substances in my body, but also because mom was 500 degrees.

Speaker 1 And I was not on my eight sleep pod mattress cover, which now is cooling me down. So keep going.
Sponsor of the show. Shout out to you.

Speaker 3 Oh, okay. That was pretty smooth.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 So anyway, my alarm goes off at 6.30.

Speaker 2 Immediately turn it off and mom's like wide awake, turns over at me and is like, we're not going to Pilates.

Speaker 1 Yeah, question.

Speaker 3 I didn't stay.

Speaker 1 I'm like, don't you want to to go to Pilates?

Speaker 2 I said, No, I told you last night we're not going. And she said, Come on, will you come with me? And I said, No, I don't want to go.
And she said, Okay. So then we both kind of fall back asleep.

Speaker 2 Another alarm goes off about 45 minutes later, 7:15. Anyway, this part is not really important.
We just kind of went back and forth in the morning. I was up at six in the morning.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 This part is important. Your bedroom is small, and I stayed with you last night, so I had a suitcase.
Yes. And I needed to get ready.
And you had offered to drive me here. Yes, and

Speaker 2 I was trying to get my suitcase packed and well, no, because here's here's scratch everything I just said.

Speaker 1 Just keep going.

Speaker 2 We wake up too early, miss our exercise class. I'm grumpy because I'm hungover and it's also bright outside and it's gloomy and my mom is 500 degrees in my bed.

Speaker 2 And I wake up and I have a pretty diligent morning routine that basically just includes me waking up, turning off my alarm, making my beautiful, awesome bed, going into my bathroom, brushing my teeth, and washing my little face, and getting my little workout clothes on.

Speaker 2 But instead, I woke up, was 503 degrees.

Speaker 2 I opened my eyes, and it looks like a tornado has gone through my room full of my mom's stuff.

Speaker 2 I have so much sympathy for your life.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's insane. It's insane.
It's like everything that you own is alive and has legs and just

Speaker 2 picks a spot to spend the night that's not in the suitcase. And so I wake up and immediately I'm hungover.
I'm groggy.

Speaker 2 It's way earlier than I expected to be up because we said we weren't going to go to our workout class. Immediately my mom gets out of bed.

Speaker 1 She starts.

Speaker 2 I don't even know what, pretending to pack up her stuff. We immediately, our energies were just completely not matched because she was, as she always is in the morning, hey, what's going on?

Speaker 2 Hey, girl, are you ready to go? And I'm like, I'm going to strangle you if you don't pick up every single thong that's on my ground right now.

Speaker 2 So then she's all chipper and I'm just meeting her with just really negative energy. And we just kind of got into it because whenever I get angry and she's in a good mood, she just shuts down.

Speaker 2 And then I'm like, don't shut down. And then you dramatically threw your boots on my bed and we literally both both laughed.
And I was like, are you kidding? That was a scene out of a movie.

Speaker 2 Do not do that. So we were kind of laughing, but also kind of fighting.
But then it kind of just got our entire morning off on the wrong foot.

Speaker 3 Totally. It was the worst.

Speaker 2 It was just horrible. And then

Speaker 1 I'm literally trying to pack my stuff up to get out of her way. Meanwhile, she's

Speaker 1 because she doesn't want me to wake up her roommate or her roommate's mother.

Speaker 2 So she's shooting.

Speaker 3 Which is fair and kind and considerate.

Speaker 1 And I've got my suitcase on top of her bed because I'm trying to get all my stuff that is all of her thing. And she's like, can you get that off of that? I need to make my bed.

Speaker 1 I'm like, can I just get my suitcase packed so I can get it off your bed? I need to make my bed right now. And they're like, okay, then I'll put it on the ground.

Speaker 1 And then she's like, making your bed in a fuss as I'm then trying. And we're bumping into each other because the whole room is tiny.
And she's pissed off and I'm hot. And then I have a hot flash.

Speaker 1 And then she's like, shh,

Speaker 1 you're going to wake him up. And I'm like, I got to get my makeup done.

Speaker 3 I'm going to call an Uber. You're not calling an Uber.

Speaker 1 So now we're bickering about everything.

Speaker 3 And also, we're whispering. We weren't full volume.

Speaker 1 And so that's our Mario started. And then we get in the car and we don't talk.

Speaker 2 And I'm in the worst mood and I don't want to drive her here. And she, she's, I mean, because then she goes, well, I'll just get a car and go to Sirius.
And I go, no, now I feel like bad.

Speaker 2 I'm going to drive you. So then we go and get caught.

Speaker 1 But I meant it. Like, here's the thing.
And this is why this is important to unpack. Okay.
I was more than willing to just get in an Uber and get out of your hair.

Speaker 1 And you let guilt make you do something you didn't want to do.

Speaker 1 And then you were mad at me about it.

Speaker 1 That's facts.

Speaker 3 But did you allow for her to

Speaker 3 step aside from the guilt? Did you say anything?

Speaker 1 Well, I said, I'll just get an Uber, Ken, so you can get on with your morning and you can get yourself organized. It's totally cool.
And she's like, no, no, no, I want to drive you.

Speaker 1 I want to drive you. We'll go get coffee.
And I'm like, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 You know, I'll let you do it. And then we get in the car and she's like,

Speaker 1 you know, kind of like, oh, like you can tell, like, when somebody's mad because they drive with their elbows up, they're really like mad as they drive. And

Speaker 1 it's true.

Speaker 3 That's L.A.

Speaker 3 True. It's true.
Thank you for apologizing.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I also just think that she's about to rescind it. No, and I actually do apologize because that my negative energy got my own morning started off on the wrong foot.

Speaker 2 And then I was just pissed off at myself and at the whole situation and frustrated. But

Speaker 3 I don't.

Speaker 1 Here's what I learned this morning.

Speaker 1 I learned a number of things. You ready?

Speaker 1 Number one,

Speaker 1 most of the time when you fight with people that you care about, it is about either energy not matching.

Speaker 1 So you're in a quiet mood in the morning and I'm bounding around like the energizer bunny, or you have a morning routine that really helps you feel like you. And now I'm in the way of that.

Speaker 1 And so however you expected things to go, somebody that you care about is now interrupting it. And you're not really mad at the other person.

Speaker 1 It's all this pent up energy that you feel because you're not able to to just go about the beginning of your day the way that you want to.

Speaker 1 And one of the things that I noticed in our interaction that I think is really important

Speaker 1 to distinguish because it's something I'm kind of proud of, is that other than the really immature moment where I picked up my boots and threw them on your bed as a sign of protest of how mad I was that you were making me move my stuff so you could make your bed,

Speaker 1 I just let you, like the let them theory. I'm just like, she's going to to get pissed.
She needs to make her bed in a huff. She wants to be all bitchy.

Speaker 3 Let her. Just let her.

Speaker 1 And the second thing that

Speaker 1 I was able to do because I unhooked myself from you, even when we were in the car, I'm like, just let her be annoyed. Let her be mad about this.
Like, I don't have to fix it.

Speaker 1 I can let you have your emotion because your morning didn't go how you wanted it to go. And now you're pissed that you said you would drive me somewhere.
We've all been there.

Speaker 1 But what diffuses it faster is not trying

Speaker 1 to actually change someone else's emotional state. Just let them be upset.
Let them be mad. Let them feel guilty that they did something.

Speaker 3 And you

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 stay neutral in your body. And there was one moment when we were fighting that I

Speaker 3 felt an old pattern come up.

Speaker 1 And it's something I've worked hard to get rid of. And here's the old pattern.

Speaker 1 I used to hold the things that I did for you guys over your heads when I was pissed at you.

Speaker 1 So, for example, you and I went shopping yesterday and you were wearing the new running shoes I had bought you.

Speaker 1 And I was a millisecond away from going, after all the things I bought you yesterday, you can't just let me pack.

Speaker 1 And I was like, nope.

Speaker 3 Nope, Mel. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Because if you want to buy somebody something, buy them something. But do not hold that shit over their head as a reason they need to be obedient to you.

Speaker 1 And that for me was a huge breakthrough on my part.

Speaker 1 And I'm not saying I was the best this morning, but I want to share that insight because one of the hardest things for me when I was little was feeling like I had to behave to get love.

Speaker 1 I had to comply if somebody bought me something, that everything came with strings attached, and that love was earned, not given.

Speaker 1 And not bringing bringing up, after all the things I do for you, the stuff I just bought you, blah, body, blah, buddy, blah, as a way to drill you to do something. I think that is

Speaker 1 so important not to bring into your relationships.

Speaker 1 If you want to do something nice for something, do it because you want to do something nice for somebody, not because you're going to expect them to owe you something because of it.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I also just think that

Speaker 2 in that situation, we both could have just

Speaker 3 hugged

Speaker 2 that, but we both could have just taken a deep breath and relaxed because we were not in a rush, but we were acting like we were.

Speaker 2 And so, unless it's life or death and you're about to hop in an ambulance, if you're in that kind of situation, take a deep breath and actually think about what you need to move through that sort of negative energy hump.

Speaker 2 I could have just said to you, stop doing your makeup, stop curling your hair, stop brushing your teeth, please, for the next five minutes, just pick up your stuff and then I'll be chill.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yep. But instead, you were like doing your makeup, pulling more stuff out, making more of a mess, doing this.
And then I was trying to like

Speaker 2 overcompensate by not just asking you to do the thing that like I needed you to do.

Speaker 2 And you could have just said, okay, I'm going to pick up my stuff. You go cool off in the kitchen.
You know what I mean? Yes. Just like breathe and talk about it because I was just getting

Speaker 3 very angry. Just out of curiosity, when mom was quote unquote letting letting you

Speaker 3 do or be how you were, was that, how did that feel? Was that working for you that, or was that just working for mom that she was letting you?

Speaker 2 Oh, it definitely didn't work for me.

Speaker 2 And I was actually going to say, I was actually going to say, thank you for bringing this up, because I was actually going to say that if you are somebody that's going to practice the let them theory,

Speaker 2 The other person that you're letting do their thing is probably going to get more of whatever emotion they're feeling before they're going to get less. Yes.

Speaker 2 You letting them, it's like when a kid is having a temper tantrum and you just let them cry it out, you're going to get more angry before you're going to cool down.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it definitely was uncomfortable because I'm like, I just want to bitch you out right now, but you're just all chipper in the corner over there letting me do my thing.

Speaker 2 But I do think it would have been nice if you could have just said,

Speaker 2 Because dad brought up the guilt thing and how I let my guilt get the best of me. But

Speaker 2 if you don't care and you're going to let me do my thing, it would have been nice to just be like.

Speaker 3 Well, I don't think it's about her not her job.

Speaker 1 It's your job to manage her guilt.

Speaker 3 She does care,

Speaker 3 but ironically, there's nothing that she could have said that would have actually

Speaker 3 made the situation worse.

Speaker 2 But I will say, it didn't, well, maybe we're just getting nitty-gritty now and we're just bickering again, but it didn't feel like, Ken, I seriously don't mind getting a car.

Speaker 2 It was like, I don't care.

Speaker 3 I'll get a car.

Speaker 2 That was the energy.

Speaker 1 Okay. And here's how the let-them theory works.
Then let me get a car. Fair.

Speaker 1 Right? Just because I'm bitchy doesn't mean you have to own that.

Speaker 3 True.

Speaker 1 Awesome. Thank you for unpacking that.
Anything else as a takeaway?

Speaker 2 Pick up your shit.

Speaker 1 Okay, thank you for that. Hug me next time.

Speaker 2 Your makeup in every crevice of my room started it, babe.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 1 Okay, we're going to stop right now.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're stopping this.

Speaker 3 To be continued.

Speaker 1 To be continued. Did you want to say anything, Oakley?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 4 Actually, I do have something I want to say. No.
I think we should take a break.

Speaker 1 Oh, is it the Oakley Robbins podcast now? Are you going to determine the breaks?

Speaker 4 You know, I just think people need a second to digest that story about you and Kendall, and I need to get a quick drink.

Speaker 3 Okay, well, you go do that.

Speaker 1 All right, everybody.

Speaker 3 We'll be right back.

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Speaker 4 All right. Welcome back, everybody.
I'm here with Mel Robbins, Chris Robbins, Kendall Robbins, and of course, myself, Oakley Robbins.

Speaker 1 Who's missing?

Speaker 4 Sawyer Robbins, but you know, she's here in spirit. Yes.
We're answering your questions. But before we jump back into these questions, my mom has something she wants to say.

Speaker 1 Okay, I want to share something with you that I would like to adopt as a family.

Speaker 3 You ready? Okay.

Speaker 1 So this is a tool I want our family to adopt. And it is something that I learned from our dear friends, Josh and David.
Shout out to Josh and David.

Speaker 3 They learned it from their therapist, and it is called Red Light, Green Light.

Speaker 1 And when you are in a mood where you do not want to talk or you feel overwhelmed or you just need quiet, you just say to somebody you love, this is a red light moment.

Speaker 1 Like, because I know Chris sits in his office and you're very peaceful and Zen

Speaker 1 and you're working on your master's in spiritual psychology, and you've just hung up a Zoom where you've been coaching one of your coaching clients.

Speaker 1 And I come rolling into your office like a tornado.

Speaker 1 And I'm not responsible for the fact that I'm probably disrupting your emotional peace.

Speaker 1 And one of the ways that you can also use this is when you walk into a room, go, hey, is this a green light moment? Can you talk about blah, baddy, blah.

Speaker 1 Do you like that, guys?

Speaker 3 First of all, great tool.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 3 I was sitting here thinking about

Speaker 3 what it's like to be the person who has to

Speaker 3 exclaim that it's a red light moment versus the person walking in the room

Speaker 3 opening with, is this a green light moment? You know, you're, you're sort of,

Speaker 3 there's obviously there's two sides to the coin.

Speaker 2 I agree. I think that it should come from the red light.
Yeah, the person who needs the space, not you prompting it.

Speaker 2 And I think that is something, because then you will feel more ownership as the person drawing the boundary rather than like, is this okay for you right now? And then you're like, um, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Cause then you, cause then if you say that and then they're like, no, sorry, it's not, then, then I always feel

Speaker 3 bad that you came in.

Speaker 2 And I think that is something that we have worked on in our relationship and it's still a work in progress.

Speaker 2 But you've gotten really good at before you used to just like advice vomit whenever I was having a problem.

Speaker 2 And it was so frustrating because sometimes I didn't want advice. I just wanted you to listen and not.

Speaker 2 And you, and you still do this thing that is way better than the vomiting of the advice, but is still sometimes triggering for me when you, when I come to you with something and you go, well, do you want me to listen or do you want advice?

Speaker 2 And that feels very much so.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, if I tell you that I just want you to listen, I know you're just thinking about all the advice you want to give me.

Speaker 2 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I actually love that cue because I feel like it allows me to know how you need me to show up.

Speaker 2 Maybe then I'm just in real time realizing that I need to be the one that tells you what I need, not you ask. Yes.

Speaker 1 Well, sometimes you don't know what you need. That's why I use that phrase.

Speaker 2 But sometimes it feels, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes my whole point being that I think it should come from the person that needs the space, not the prompting of the, what's your light?

Speaker 2 What's your light? What light? What light are you? What light are you? It's like walk in. Hey, Chris, what's up? How was your Zoom call? Assess the situation.
If he's like, oh, great.

Speaker 2 It was awesome, Mel. What's up? Then you can go in.
And then if he goes, it's actually a red light. Then you can back off.

Speaker 2 But if you were to just take 30 seconds and kind of assess, and you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Am I shutting you down?

Speaker 1 No. Okay.
I'm listening.

Speaker 3 But that approach is not typically how a tornado enters any room. So

Speaker 3 true.

Speaker 1 We'll try it. So here's what I'm getting.
This is a no, a no-go.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't like it. I don't think anyone has.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're not going to do it. All right.
Let's jump back into questions.

Speaker 3 My daughter is struggling with our move.

Speaker 1 I waited for this year so we could move her as a freshman in high school. She was settling in nicely, but didn't have anyone to go to homecoming with.

Speaker 1 Seeing all her friends back in our old state having fun and being dressed up along with no one yet to hang out with after school has her sad and anxious.

Speaker 1 Topping that, her sister and best friend also left our house for college a couple weeks ago. This courageous girl is losing momentum, becoming unsure and lonely.

Speaker 2 Please help.

Speaker 1 You two both look very sad.

Speaker 4 I'm just thinking, thinking it over.

Speaker 4 That sucks. It's my homecoming weekend as well.
Oh, right now? I'm missing the dance, yeah.

Speaker 3 But wait, did she still go to the dance? No. Oof.

Speaker 3 Very different story, though. You're a senior.
You've

Speaker 3 got we're talking about a freshman, new school. Well, moving

Speaker 3 new town.

Speaker 4 Moving freshman year. Like, if she had a bunch of friends that she used to know, I feel like a move is always going to be hard, regardless.
And also,

Speaker 4 homecoming is only like a month into school.

Speaker 3 So.

Speaker 4 I mean, like,

Speaker 4 high school isn't like the movie that you see every now and then then where it's like the new girl comes in and she's stunning and then the perfect boy wants to go to homecoming with her.

Speaker 4 And so if you've been at school for a month and you've barely met people,

Speaker 4 it's understandable that you may not have a date to the homecoming. And it's also your freshman year and you have plenty more homecomings to look forward to when you do have a date.
But

Speaker 4 I mean, do we know if she's like trying to make friends or is she just kind of like sitting around?

Speaker 1 I think she's doing what a lot of people do when they get to college too, and they look at their other friends having fun online.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and she's comparing and she doesn't have a friend group yet and she didn't have a date to home coming up.

Speaker 3 I haven't. Let's go.

Speaker 2 Well, I think

Speaker 2 first and foremost, she needs to give herself some grace and understand that it's

Speaker 2 not going to happen overnight. I think even if you're trying to make as many new friends as you possibly could, like give yourself grace, but also don't lose your spark.

Speaker 2 Keep putting yourself out there as hard as that is.

Speaker 4 Freshman year, there's so many opportunities to meet people. And so you have a full year to meet a bunch of people.

Speaker 4 And I wouldn't compare yourself to your friends who already have their friend group back home.

Speaker 4 Like you have moved, so you're in a completely new space, new people, and all your friends are in an old place with old people who they already know.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 it's not like they're moving faster than you are. They've just had

Speaker 4 10 extra years with these people and you have known these people for the first time. So like Kendall said, like have some grace and just like branch out and meet new people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and see it as maybe change, change your perspective on it and start to see it as an opportunity to expand your world and make even more amazing friends. And

Speaker 2 think about the friend group that you had where you lived before and tell yourself that you can find that here too.

Speaker 1 Here's, here's my take on it. Change is really hard.
It's going to take a year.

Speaker 1 It's going to take an entire school year to feel comfortable being at that new school. And oftentimes,

Speaker 1 when we're confronted and scared,

Speaker 3 we

Speaker 1 avoid

Speaker 1 facing the things we're scared of. And it's very easy to sit on your phone and look at the lives of your old friends.
And that's easier than putting yourself out there in the new school.

Speaker 1 And so every small thing that you can do from joining a club to

Speaker 1 taking classes that are more creative because you're going to be around more creative kids to showing up the dance without a date, to hanging out with other kids that are new in the school, to sitting at different tables in the lunchroom, to inviting people over to your house so you can find your people, Every single one of those moves is going to feel hard and it's going to take a year and you should expect it.

Speaker 1 And when you expect that it's going to take a year to feel like you belong at a new school,

Speaker 1 you will have more grace for yourself.

Speaker 4 You know, I'm a senior mentor at my school right now, which just means I have a group of first years that I look after.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And what I've taken away so far is just that everybody's going through stuff. Everybody has something going on.
So you are 100% not alone in this.

Speaker 1 That's a good perspective because I think when you're new, you think everybody's got it figured out. So, Oak, I think you've done such an awesome job today.
You want to do the sign-off right now?

Speaker 1 I mean, Kendall's already left the room. So do you want to do a sign-off?

Speaker 4 No, I'm good. I'll just sit back and judge you this time.

Speaker 3 Stop.

Speaker 3 Well, alrighty then.

Speaker 1 I had an amazing time with you listening and with our family here today. We had a ton of laughs and so many amazing insights.
I'm really proud of how you guys show up. So thank you.

Speaker 1 And there were not as many petty arguments and disagreements as I thought.

Speaker 1 And if you are seeing family today, I want you to remember that no matter how everybody shows up to whatever you're doing at Thanksgiving or over the holidays, they may be going through something.

Speaker 1 So just show up with a little grace. You know, Chelsea and her son remind us of that.
Or maybe they've had a tough start to the morning like me and Kendall. That's facts.
Oh, she's back.

Speaker 1 Or maybe they need some space, you know. So as much as my family really trashed the red light, green light tip, I like it.
So, look for some green lights, you know?

Speaker 1 And you always have the green light to hang out with us.

Speaker 4 Of course. Anytime, any day, any week.
I guess I'll take over the ending now.

Speaker 4 So, if nobody else tells you today, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to create a better life and better relationship with your family members.

Speaker 4 Now, go and do it and save me some of those Thanksgiving leftovers, especially the mashed potatoes and some gravy. Oh, it's my favorite.

Speaker 3 Oak.

Speaker 1 I love you, and I want to tell you that I love you too. We'll talk to you in a few days.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Speaker 3 Oh, oh, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 2 I can like hear yourself?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, this is the why talk back. There it is.
Okay, here you go.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm just getting our questions, guys.

Speaker 2 Hold it if you have to, like,

Speaker 2 so it doesn't pick you up.

Speaker 3 Wait, shut up

Speaker 2 because you're chewing.

Speaker 4 Does it mute? Yeah, Yeah, I'm mute.

Speaker 2 This is super legit.

Speaker 3 He's like, this is my last bite.

Speaker 4 This is my last bite. This is my last bite.

Speaker 3 Let's all be a family.

Speaker 1 Why don't we start because caught off the press? Yes. Oh my God.
Yes, good. That's what we wanted.

Speaker 3 Here we go. Mel, you look fabulous.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 3 I think I do too.

Speaker 1 I'm almost done looking at the colours.

Speaker 3 I love your hair pants.

Speaker 1 Thank you. I love you.
I love your new shirt.

Speaker 2 I got a pair in black.

Speaker 3 This shirt is not new. It's very old.

Speaker 4 Are we just going straight in?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're going straight in.

Speaker 3 Hem. Uh-uh.
The first time you open the show.

Speaker 4 Let me cough.

Speaker 3 So let me just tell you what's happening.

Speaker 3 Okay. Are you ready? Should

Speaker 3 you're out.

Speaker 2 Okay, that was good.

Speaker 1 Oh, and one more thing. And no.
This is not a blooper.

Speaker 2 This is the legal language.

Speaker 1 You know what the lawyers write and what I need to to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
I'm just your friend.

Speaker 1 I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it?

Speaker 3 Good.

Speaker 1 I'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

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