“You’re Not Obsessed With Your Ex, Patsy; You’re an Addict.” Mel’s Advice, Listener Questions, and More!

Speaker 1 Every December, we host an office cookie swap, but check this out: I don't bring any cookies. Instead, I roll in with a tray of iced sugar cookie lattes from Starbucks for everyone.

Speaker 1 It's kind of become my thing. And at this point, if I actually brought cookies, I think everyone would be disappointed.

Speaker 1 And there's just something about that drink: it's a Starbucks blonde espresso milk over iced sweet sugar cookie flavor topped with festive sprinkles. It's like a sugar cookie in a cup.
I just love it.

Speaker 1 So does everybody else. Now, here's the funny part.
That quick stop at Starbucks, it's like a little ritual. Five quiet minutes in the car.
You got your drink in hand.

Speaker 1 Before the holiday chaos starts, it's where you can take a little pause and ask yourself, what do I want to carry into the new year?

Speaker 1 Aside from a tray of iced sugar cookie lattes, you need to steal this idea at your next cookie swap. Come together over your holiday favorites at Starbucks.

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Speaker 1 That's P-E-R-I-G-O-L-D, paragold.com. Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 1 So a couple weeks ago, I, for the first time, took a bunch of your questions rapid fire. It was such a freaking home run that you nearly crashed our website at melrobbins.com with more questions.

Speaker 1 And so we're going to do it again today. And if you guys continue to crash our website, just go to melrobbins.com slash podcast and you can submit a topic.

Speaker 1 We're going to keep on doing this. So without further ado, you ask, I answer.

Speaker 1 And my friend and colleague, Amy McGlynn, who you've heard on this podcast, is going to be reading your questions rapid fire. Let's fucking go.

Speaker 1 Okay, Lee asks you, Mel, what are the top things you've learned from these guest speakers you had on the podcast that you've implemented yourself? Oh, I love this. Great question, right?

Speaker 1 It's a really great question.

Speaker 1 And I got to think because there's so many, but I'd say I guess some of the top things that I've learned in the first 100 episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast and all these amazing guests that we've had.

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, number one is we did an episode on anxiety, and that was with Dr.
Russell Kennedy. He

Speaker 1 started talking about

Speaker 1 the alarm

Speaker 1 in your body and, you know, calling anxiety alarm and that the anxiety alarm is always

Speaker 1 the little you

Speaker 1 feeling separate, that it rings in moments where you feel separate from other people, separate from your power, that you feel alone in something, and soothing that part of yourself and telling yourself it's going to be okay,

Speaker 1 that has been a huge thing for me. Also a thing that I've learned from multiple experts is that all mental health issues, we tend to immediately think it's about your mind and thoughts.

Speaker 1 And the truth is the most effective solutions, and this has been true in my life, but I keep hearing our experts say this, are from the neck down.

Speaker 1 So all of the changes that you can make to your physical habits, to taking care of your nervous system, the things that I do, I don't lay in bed in the morning. I get right out of bed.
I make my bed.

Speaker 1 I get outside and see bright light right away to reset the circadian rhythm. I take a walk outside and I don't listen to anything.

Speaker 1 That's something I learned on this podcast as a way to boost my mood first thing in the morning and to

Speaker 1 just feel better. Let's see a third thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, intermittent fasting. I learned so much from Dr.
Mindy Peltz. So much.
And the intermittent fasting of

Speaker 1 going for a 12 to 16 hour window of not eating every day for 21 days and then taking seven days off because I'm a woman that I've implemented. It has changed the game.

Speaker 1 And let me think of a final thing. Dana K.
White changed my goddamn life. Yes, she did.

Speaker 1 And ours too in the podcast studio room. Oh my gosh.
She cleaned up. I no longer organize.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 use her tidying method. And I am forever walking around the house with something in my hand because of this trick that she taught us.

Speaker 1 Instead of making piles of things that you then do then take other places, the second you see something in a room that you're standing in that doesn't belong there, you grab it and you walk it to where it belongs.

Speaker 1 It's changed everything. I used to be the pile, put things in basket, buy a container, and she'd made me realize I have too many things in my life, which is why things are never organized.

Speaker 1 And so getting rid of things and tidying up as a lifestyle has just been a game changer. Awesome.
And piles are an ADD thing. If you have a lot of piles, it's true.
Yeah. So, okay, great.

Speaker 1 Next question is from Patsy. She needs some relief here.
She says, Mel, how do I stop looking at my ex's social media to catch a glimpse of their new life? But listen to this. I'm seven years split.

Speaker 1 She says, oh, God.

Speaker 1 Tell Patsy, what does she need to do?

Speaker 1 You need to block them. Delete their contact information because Patsy, you're a fucking addict.
You know it. You're addicted to it.
You are addicted to the negative sensation.

Speaker 1 You are

Speaker 1 intentionally

Speaker 1 getting a rush of dopamine

Speaker 1 by

Speaker 1 being curious and then stalking and then feeling bad about it. And it is a very damaging and toxic cycle.

Speaker 1 And there is no way that you will move on in your life and have a healthy relationship until you end this relationship with the past.

Speaker 1 It's almost like somebody that's addicted to watching horror movies. And a lot of the research shows that people who love horror movies have drama because

Speaker 1 there's something familiar about feeling that intensity.

Speaker 1 And I don't know, if you block somebody, can you look at them? Can somebody research this and come back to it?

Speaker 1 Because I want to give a specific example of how you do this because you need to not have access to them on social media.

Speaker 1 I think this is absolutely devastating behavior. And the fact that you're confessing it to me, you know it is.

Speaker 1 And you can't help yourself, and you can blame your brain and the way that we get addicted to the kind of crash of emotions and the buildup of looking and then feeling conflicted about them.

Speaker 1 This is the exact same cycle that somebody that drinks too much feels, somebody that gambles too much feels.

Speaker 1 You need to treat this like an addiction, which means however it is that you can remove access to their accounts, you have to do it. You have to do it.
But you can't trust yourself.

Speaker 1 You can't trust yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It says here from just a quick Google search, no, you can't. Once you block someone, you cannot see their profile and they can't view yours.
Great. So there's the answer.
You have to block them.

Speaker 1 Block them on every single platform because you cannot trust yourself. You are an addict.

Speaker 1 to this because of the emotional and chemical and you know all the fancy shit in your your brain, the neurotransmitters, this, the receptors, that that are firing. And so there's your answer.

Speaker 1 Block them, block them, block them.

Speaker 1 And you better start telling people, tell your friends, do not let me look at this. I've been doing this thing.
I've blocked them. I'm trying, do not bring this person up in conversation.

Speaker 1 Like, this is serious shit. Because when your past is in your present, you can't create a different future.
And by looking at your ex all the time, for seven fucking years, you've been doing this.

Speaker 1 I'm heated about this, not to make you wrong, but to make you wake the fuck up and to realize how your past is in your day-to-day life in the present.

Speaker 1 This is why you do not have the future that you want. Get this fucking past out of your present, block this shit, and move on.
Right. Block it, stop it, kick it to the curb.

Speaker 1 Next question.

Speaker 1 Nikki asks, how do you argue with your partner, but in a very healthy way? She says, how do you argue with your partner, but healthy?

Speaker 1 Ooh, there's really good research on this that I should pull. Before you answer.
Yes. Yeah.
Let's get the right answer for her. Let's get the right answer for her and answer it.

Speaker 1 Let me go pull it up because there's really good ways to fight fairly. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And by the way, something that's really important about this question

Speaker 1 is that couples that fight stay together.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So your ability to resolve conflict is what determines whether or not you can go the distance with somebody.

Speaker 1 Like most people make the mistake of thinking, oh, the couple that never fights, we're perfect. No, you actually build up resentment and you're not airing anything.

Speaker 1 So your ability to fight in a way that is productive

Speaker 1 is

Speaker 1 really important in your relationship. And so here's a couple of rules.
Number one, always assume good intent. Like when you're fighting with your spouse, you're arguing about something,

Speaker 1 don't ever forget that the person that you married at their core is a good person. You're both just frustrated and you're entitled to be frustrated about something.
Second,

Speaker 1 when you're fighting, it's really hard to do.

Speaker 1 You're both just trying to be heard.

Speaker 1 So you got to teach yourself how to do just as much listening as you do screaming and talking at each other.

Speaker 1 Another rule here is: do not ever

Speaker 1 walk away from a fight

Speaker 1 because you have to, quote, get yourself together.

Speaker 1 So one of the things that creates a lot of instability in a relationship is when you fight and one partner shuts down the conversation, which a lot of people do because they get very overwhelmed emotionally.

Speaker 1 And so they're like, I can't talk about this anymore.

Speaker 1 Do not do that where you just say, I can't talk about this anymore and you drop the guillotine.

Speaker 1 If you get overwhelmed emotionally, it is okay to say, I can't talk about this anymore, but you have to say,

Speaker 1 but we will pick this up

Speaker 1 in the morning, or I will come back in an hour, or I need 30 minutes to step outside and clear my head, and I promise I will come back and we will finish this.

Speaker 1 Always, always, always create a bridge to when you're going to talk about it.

Speaker 1 And I was recently talking with friends of ours, and we're going to steal this from their couples therapist, which is use red light, green light.

Speaker 1 And this is a concept that Chris and I have just started with, which is this.

Speaker 1 I tend to be the kind of person that

Speaker 1 expels my emotional distress at people. So Chris will be minding his own business, sitting in his office, quietly, I don't know, working on his men's retreat, meditating.

Speaker 1 He maybe have just hung up with a coaching client, or maybe he's writing a paper for his master's. You can tell by my tone of voice that there's a real energy level that's being maintained.

Speaker 1 And I will come paralleling into that.

Speaker 1 And poor Chris, for decades, has absorbed that emotional eruption.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's not fair to him that I do that. And so we've started trying this thing that we just learned about two nights ago from friends of ours, Red Light, Green Light, which is, hey,

Speaker 1 it's kind of a red light right now for me to be able to talk to you. Can we, you know, pick this up after dinner? And I'm starting to train myself, hey, I got a lot I want to talk to you about.

Speaker 1 Would this be a green light moment for you? So that I'm cueing myself that not everybody in my life is capable of absorbing the shit I'm throwing at them.

Speaker 1 And I'm noticing my daughter does this with me all the time. She just, I'm like her, her emotional safety blanket where she will text me, mom, I need to talk to you right away.
I think I have COVID.

Speaker 1 Does she have COVID? No.

Speaker 1 Mom, I got to talk to you right now. I think I'm sick.
Is she sick? No.

Speaker 1 She's feeling something and now she's going to expel it at me. And I do it to Chris.

Speaker 1 And so this red light, green light is a way to signal to somebody in an unemotional way whether or not you have the capacity to hear something.

Speaker 1 And I think it's a really important tool for all of us to try to use.

Speaker 1 Both it's a red light moment for me so that you can tell somebody responsibly that you don't have the capacity to talk about something or asking, is it green light to be able to talk about this?

Speaker 1 And then you can say, yes, no, or later. And those are your answers.
I love that. I love that too.
Yeah. So red light, green light.
Yep. And that's a lot of self-awareness there.

Speaker 1 I love that it makes you more self-aware that you're coming in hot and they might not be and it brings a lot to the relationship. And then you've got your bridge.

Speaker 1 You can't talk about this now, but let's pick it up at another time. I'm going to be available in an hour or like maybe, you know, or tomorrow.
I'm going to be able to pick this back up.

Speaker 1 And then you talked about like listening more than talking. What would your general advice be like? 50-50 to start out with? Or? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 I think part of the issue with arguing is that you can just get into the habit of bickering about things.

Speaker 1 Becoming the bickersons. Yeah.
And not

Speaker 1 getting to the deeper issue. Like, what are you actually upset about? What are you actually arguing about?

Speaker 1 Like, a lot of times, you know, when Chris and I get in stupid arguments, typically about who's fed the dogs, we then start

Speaker 1 defending how busy we are.

Speaker 1 When what Chris is really frustrated about is that he for a long time said, I didn't want two dogs. It always falls on me.
And guess what? It's always fallings on him.

Speaker 1 And so it's never an argument about feeding the dogs. It's always.
about Chris fighting for the support that he needs and deserves and feeling really

Speaker 1 not seen and not supported. That's what that fight is about.

Speaker 1 And so I guess the other thing is, is if you're in this trap of constantly bickering about the same stuff, go a level deeper because it's usually about not feeling seen or supported in your relationship.

Speaker 1 Wow. That's great advice.
All right. There you have it.
Sounds good. All right.
That's the next one. What's next? Sarubi says, Mel, what's your star sign?

Speaker 1 What is a star sign? Like your astrological sign. Oh, is that what it's called? I mean, that's what we're going to call it.
Okay. She means sun sign, star sign? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm a Libra. You're a Libra.
I'm a Libra. Does that mean anything to you?

Speaker 1 Well, I was born on October 6th. And what I have learned is that apparently the most common birthdays on the planet are October 1st through like the 7th.
Why? New Year's, baby. And

Speaker 1 is that too much information? Now everybody who's got an October birthday is thinking about their parents having sex on New Year's.

Speaker 1 I like to think, like the Libra sign, I'm a very balanced person.

Speaker 1 And when I get out of balance, like I erupt, I apologize and come back in. It doesn't mean I'm always perfect and in balance, but I feel best in alignment.
Love it. All right.
Here's a good one.

Speaker 1 I can see from Amy's face, she's got a doozy coming up next. So let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with more of your questions rapid fire when we return.

Speaker 1 You're not the same person you were last year, and that's the point. Life is about growth, change, and becoming more of who you're meant to be.

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Speaker 1 Hey, I'm Mel, and we're taking your questions. Amy, what do you got next? All right.
From Missy. She says, Mel, do you have faith in a higher power? Do you believe in God?

Speaker 1 I believe in a higher power, and I don't know what that is. I believe that we are all connected.
I believe that there is some greater force that is good.

Speaker 1 I believe in faith. I believe that there are signs from the universe that are trying to get your attention and that are there to remind you that you're heading in the right direction.

Speaker 1 I believe that you are meant for something extraordinary and that when you allow yourself to believe that deep in your heart, and if you have the courage to wake up every day and look for signs that you're headed on the right direction, that

Speaker 1 people are crossing your path that all of a sudden, you know, oh, you have the same interest. Oh, isn't that interesting? Oh, you come from, oh, isn't that interesting?

Speaker 1 These synchronicities to me that happen every day in my life, the connections that you can't explain, the squirrel that runs across the road that reminds you of something, the song that comes on,

Speaker 1 these are anchor points that come from some greater force and energy that connects us all.

Speaker 1 And we have the saying around here, the portal is open.

Speaker 1 What that means is if you open yourself up to the possibility that there is

Speaker 1 something greater in store for you.

Speaker 1 And what's required of you is the courage to believe that. And what's required of you is the clarity every day

Speaker 1 be open to signs that are consistent with something greater.

Speaker 1 And it's everywhere. You know, I'm going to tell you a quick story.
So you've heard a lot about our daughter, Kendall. And we did an episode on imposter syndrome where she shared very, very openly

Speaker 1 about.

Speaker 1 being at her first music festival. And her career goal is to be a touring singer-songwriter, write her own music, go on global global tours, inspire and empower people with her music.

Speaker 1 That is what she studied in college. That is her goal.
That is her dream. And that is what she is now out in Los Angeles trying to do.

Speaker 1 And so she goes to this music festival and feels like a complete imposter because there she is backstage and seeing all these famous musicians that have inspired her at the Newport Folk Festival.

Speaker 1 And for the first six hours, she was paralyzed. And then she's like, fuck it.
Like, I can either stand here with a white claw in my hand and feel like a stupid ass, or I can

Speaker 1 just start using something that I have, which is my sense of humor. I don't have any music on Spotify.
Nobody knows who the fuck I am.

Speaker 1 I'm a nobody in a business that I want to be a somebody in, but I can at least make people laugh. And so she started talking to people and she ends up meeting this guy.
Hi, Phil. How are you, Phil?

Speaker 1 Thanks for being nice to Kendall, Phil. And so they start laughing up a storm, right?

Speaker 1 And all of a sudden, Phil says to Ken, random question,

Speaker 1 but if you could have anything to eat right now, what would it be? And she's like, honestly, kind of a sloppy tuna salad sandwich, not on the toast, but on the white bread. And they're laughing.

Speaker 1 Then they go get a tuna sandwich. And then they're talking and they become friends.
Little does she know

Speaker 1 that This guy is like a keyboardist, a producer, a songwriter. He is a major deal.
She has no idea. So

Speaker 1 that night, he is at a set and he's warming up and she's sitting in the audience and she is sitting there thinking

Speaker 1 as she's watching this very, very accomplished, regarded OG of a dude playing the piano. And she's like, mom, I've never seen anybody play.
Like he like becomes a piano. It's just incredible.

Speaker 1 And she's sitting there thinking to herself. And this is what I mean by being clear and having the portal open.

Speaker 1 If they were to ask me to warm up Mike's right now,

Speaker 1 what song would I sing?

Speaker 1 And she thinks to herself, hmm,

Speaker 1 Bonnie Rayt,

Speaker 1 I can't make you love me.

Speaker 1 And all of a sudden, he goes from the song he's playing into that fucking song.

Speaker 1 The hair in her arms go up.

Speaker 1 The rehearsal keeps going.

Speaker 1 She walks backstage backstage afterwards and was like, Phil, dude, you won't believe this. And she tells him.
And he says, well, you won't believe this?

Speaker 1 I haven't played that during a warm-up on a stage in a decade.

Speaker 1 But there was some moment where I just felt like I should play that. And he looked at her and said, you did that.
And then he said, why don't we perform it tomorrow night?

Speaker 1 And they did. at the fucking Newport Folk Festival.
And then all these people came up to her from all these crazy bands, which I won't name, like, we got to do sessions.

Speaker 1 How did you get on stage with Phil? He's like the goat man. That was, what was it like to play with him? And so the point of the story is that

Speaker 1 there

Speaker 1 is help all around you,

Speaker 1 that the world is aligned to help you.

Speaker 1 When you become aligned with what is true for you, when you get over your own bullshit and you allow yourself to believe in what you want, and then you have the courage to just push through the fear and start connecting with people.

Speaker 1 And when you are open to the possibility of even just sitting there, she could have just sat there in the auditorium and watched him.

Speaker 1 Instead, she allowed herself to step into the dream and say, what if?

Speaker 1 And when you do that, you create these energetic ripples that impact other people. Phil's right.
You did that, Kendall, because you believed.

Speaker 1 And to me, that is the higher power that we're talking about. A lot of people also ask me, what do you think happens when we die? I think about it this way because I don't fucking know.

Speaker 1 Here's what I believe. I think we're born into another world that we don't know exists.

Speaker 1 So if you think about you when you were in your mother's stomach,

Speaker 1 and there you are, you're happy as a clam. You're about to be born.

Speaker 1 Your only reality is that world inside of her. It is warm.
It is safe. You have food on tap.
You are in

Speaker 1 sync with somebody else's heartbeat.

Speaker 1 You are about to be born into another world of which you have no understanding of consciousness.

Speaker 1 And I believe that when you die, the same thing happens and you are born into a whole different world that we have no consciousness of. That's what I believe.
I never heard it put that way, Mel.

Speaker 1 How did you come up with that idea? I have no fucking idea.

Speaker 1 It's incredible. Yeah, it was not what they taught in Methodist church,

Speaker 1 which is what I or biology class.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I just think about it on a spiritual plane.
I really do. And, you know, I grew up going to church and

Speaker 1 I am one of those people that believes in the

Speaker 1 what do they call it? The works. Like I think, I think of Jesus Christ as a historical figure,

Speaker 1 but that, you know, that's a person that is no more representation of God or the universe than you or me.

Speaker 1 That, you know, it's really inside of you, this ability to connect to something deeper and to act in the outside world as if you give a shit about people.

Speaker 1 Gorgeous. Well, I'm glad Missy asked that question.
Me too. Great question.

Speaker 1 Okay, here's the next one. How do you deal, Mel, with difficult parents of your kids' friends?

Speaker 1 So this person's in a friend group with her kids' friends, and these other parents are being pains in the asses.

Speaker 1 It depends on the ages of your kids. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say it again. It depends on the ages of your kids.
Because when your kids are little and they run in packs and you've got parents of one of your kids' friends micromanaging.

Speaker 1 So I'll just give you a very common scenario.

Speaker 1 You have a group of friends and what always happens with groups of friends in elementary and middle school is that they travel in packs and then all of a sudden they start to splinter off.

Speaker 1 And there's always one parent who tries desperately to keep the larger pack together.

Speaker 1 And when their kid stops getting invited to certain things, or let's say there's like six boys or six girls that hang out, and then all of a sudden three of them are having a sleepover.

Speaker 1 The pain in the ass parent will make it their

Speaker 1 number one goal to figure out how to get their kid invited. And how do they do that? By contacting other people, you're leaving my kid out.

Speaker 1 And there comes a time where kids need to be able to have their own fucking relationships. And your kid does not and should not be included.
Maybe your kid is annoying.

Speaker 1 Maybe these are bad kids and your kid is the good kid and the bad kids doesn't want the good kids.

Speaker 1 So you actually don't want your kid with those bad kids, but you don't know because you're insecure and you think that the fact that your kid is not getting included means something bad about you.

Speaker 1 No, it doesn't. It means these fucking kids don't want to hang out with your kid anymore.
And why would you want your kid to be hanging out with kids who don't want to hang out with them?

Speaker 1 Like, so you getting involved means you're pushing your kid into a situation where they're not wanted. How fucked up is that?

Speaker 1 And so it depends on the age of the parent because

Speaker 1 parents manage everything until a certain age and then the kids start to manage things.

Speaker 1 And the breakdowns start to begin when kids get cell phones and they start making their own arrangements for sleepovers and people get left off of text chains.

Speaker 1 And you as a parent have to understand,

Speaker 1 you're not going to get invited to everything. Your kid is not going to get invited to everything.
And the more of a fucking big deal you make it, the worse your kid is going to feel.

Speaker 1 And the more your kid is not invited, the more it's on you to start facilitating ways for them to meet people that will be better friends for them instead of chasing the people who are not.

Speaker 1 And I also feel like parents become pains in the asses because of their own insecurity. And then they thrust it into a kid's social dynamic.
And you see it all the time with that sort of

Speaker 1 fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth grade lane.

Speaker 1 And so, how you deal with it depends on the age of their kids.

Speaker 1 And I also find that

Speaker 1 just having a direct conversation is the best way to deal with it. With the parent.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, if the parent is kind of trying to pull the, we didn't get any money. He's feeling left out.
Just be like, look,

Speaker 1 I'm not going to facilitate my kids' friendships. They're at an age where they can be friends with who they want to be friends with.

Speaker 1 And it's not about leaving people out because you're not obligated to invite anybody but your cousins

Speaker 1 and even then you get to an age where you don't have to invite your cousins yeah

Speaker 1 yeah i get that i don't know it's just parents acting like is about parents insecurity And it means the parents, in my opinion, who are acting like shit are extremely insecure people.

Speaker 1 The people that need their kid to be on the starting lineup of everything. So they're up the coach's ass.
We all hate you. We do.
We all hate you. We kind of do.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And the parents who need their kids invited to everything, that's your insecurity because you're not invited to everything.

Speaker 1 And so you're trying to get a social life and you're trying to solve the insecurities and wounds that you have by trying to jam your kid into everything. It doesn't work that way.

Speaker 1 It makes your kid miserable. It flares up your insecurities.
Just fucking stop it.

Speaker 1 We're hearing you, Mel. I totally get that.
I freaking love this, but we got to take a quick break. Let me catch my breath and water up my throat so that I'm not so raspy.

Speaker 1 And we'll be right back with more of your questions, Rapid Fire, when we return.

Speaker 1 Every December, we host an office cookie swap. But check this out.
I don't bring any cookies. Instead, I roll in with a tray of iced sugar cookie lattes from Starbucks for everyone.

Speaker 1 It's kind of become my thing. And at this point, If I actually brought cookies, I think everyone would be disappointed.
And there's just something about that drink.

Speaker 1 It's a Starbucks blonde espresso milk over iced sweet sugar cookie flavor topped with festive sprinkles. It's like a sugar cookie in a cup.
I just love it. So does everybody else.

Speaker 1 Now, here's the funny part. That quick stop at Starbucks, it's like a little ritual.
Five quiet minutes in the car. You got your drink in hand.

Speaker 1 Before the holiday chaos starts. It's where you can take a little pause and ask yourself, what do I want to carry into the new year?

Speaker 1 Aside from a tray of iced sugar cookie lattes, you need to steal this idea at your next cookie swap. Come together over your holiday favorites at Starbucks.

Speaker 1 You're not the same person you were last year, and that's the point. Life is about growth, change, and becoming more of who you're meant to be.

Speaker 1 And when it's time to mark that growth, the way you choose to honor the moments and milestones that make you who you are should reflect, well, you. That's where desert-toned diamonds come in.

Speaker 1 Desert diamonds are the perfect way of celebrating all that you are and all that you're still becoming.

Speaker 1 They come in a range of unique unexpected colors, colors that reflect your unique unexpected journey.

Speaker 1 Warm whites, pale champagnes, deep ambers, smoky whiskeys, natural colors that are truly unlike anything else, just like you.

Speaker 1 So this holiday season, discover desert diamonds and gift yourself something as unique as you are. And a reminder, there's so much more up ahead for you.
And that's why a diamond is Forever.

Speaker 1 Visit adiamondisforever.com to learn more.

Speaker 1 You know it's the holidays when the flannel shows up.

Speaker 1 First for picking out the tree, then for decorating with music on and boxes of ornaments everywhere, then for that movie night where everyone falls asleep with hot cocoa in the hand.

Speaker 1 It's there when you're baking cookies, still on you while you're wrapping gifts late at night, and it's still going strong the next morning while you're making pancakes.

Speaker 1 That same flannel ends up in the family photo. Somehow, everyone's in matching flannel.
No one planned it. But flannel's like that.
It's not loud. It's not trying to impress anyone.

Speaker 1 It just shows up again and again, year after year, and becomes part of everything that matters. That's the magic of LL Bean Flannel.
It's soft, it's sturdy, you wear it once, and it just sticks.

Speaker 1 It becomes part of the season, and it makes it better. Go check out LL Bean Flannel, Invited to the Holidays since 1912.

Speaker 1 Hey, I'm Mel, and we're taking your questions as they come one by one. And Amy, what do you got next?

Speaker 1 All right. Phil says, and this is kind of a deep question.
Phil says, my wife is pregnant and I'm struggling. Phil is struggling because he's feeling neglected from the lack of intimacy.

Speaker 1 He says, am I crazy? How do I show my wife love and bring back intimacy after having a new baby?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I love

Speaker 1 the tenderness of the question.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 let's start by saying that what Phil's actually asking is, when can we have sex with him? That's totally what he's asking. Because intimacy

Speaker 1 is something that is cultivated and that you can experience without putting a penis inside a vagina.

Speaker 1 It's true. It is true.
I'm laughing at the truth. Yes, it's the truth.
You know, you could,

Speaker 1 as long as her stitches are healed, you could draw a bath and the two of you could sit in the bath together and you could massage each other's feet and have a glass of wine.

Speaker 1 She's got to pump and dump the milk, but, you know,

Speaker 1 seriously.

Speaker 1 And if what you're talking about is, you know, when is she going to give me a blowjob? When am I going to have an orgasm? When are we going to have sex?

Speaker 1 You got to realize she has grown a cannonball and launched it through her vaginal canal,

Speaker 1 which is basically a major renovation to your downstairs.

Speaker 1 And they hand you for that

Speaker 1 body

Speaker 1 demolition, that is a birth, maxi pads with ice packs in them.

Speaker 1 And so if you put yourself in your wife's shoes, I don't know if I remember the exact first time, but I remember being terrified of having sex after

Speaker 1 having a kid.

Speaker 1 Is it going to hurt? Is it going to pull the stitches? Like, oh my God, I don't want to get pregnant again. Like, just,

Speaker 1 and so

Speaker 1 I love that you miss her.

Speaker 1 I love that you miss the affection. And what I would focus on is the affection and the connection

Speaker 1 over penetration.

Speaker 1 And I think maybe consider that given that she's just had this major thing happen and then your hormones go crazy and she might be dealing with a little bit of the baby blues.

Speaker 1 And we also feel disgusting, at least I did. Like you feel sexy as shit when you're pregnant.
It's like, I'm making a baby. Look at this big stomach.
This is fucking cool.

Speaker 1 And you're like, ooh, your boobs are spilling out. It's like, I am Venus.

Speaker 1 But the second the baby comes out

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 it's all hanging there.

Speaker 1 And now you want to have sex, give me a fucking break.

Speaker 1 And it's real what Phil's talking about because you can feel rejected, but I would really implore you

Speaker 1 to please, and think about it this way. I don't even want to make the analogy because people will scream at me.
If she had had major surgery,

Speaker 1 right? Let's say that she had to have her hip replaced.

Speaker 1 Would you be like, okay,

Speaker 1 when there's gas coming off, let's go. Let's try out that titanium hip and see the rotation on it.
No.

Speaker 1 It's an opportunity to actually have intimacy through conversation. I miss you.

Speaker 1 I don't want to rush things, but I miss feeling your body. You know, what would feel good right now?

Speaker 1 You know, would you, are you comfortable being intimate?

Speaker 1 How can we be intimate right now without doing something that

Speaker 1 makes you feel pain or that you're worried about?

Speaker 1 And this is a real issue for guys because I'm, you know, I'm making fun, Phil, but I don't know if you're talking about the fact that the baby's in the bed and she's breastfeeding all the time and she doesn't feel sexy and now it's been been six months.

Speaker 1 Or if you're talking about six weeks after surgery, you're like, let's get going.

Speaker 1 And so, take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. But, what the real takeaway here is

Speaker 1 really cultivate intimacy with a conversation first

Speaker 1 and talk to her about it and make her feel like anything that works for her is okay.

Speaker 1 That will make her horny as fuck.

Speaker 1 I love it. And congratulations on the new baby.
Yeah. Awesome.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Mel, I don't know if you can answer this question, but we're going to give it to you from Betsy. She says, can you talk about life insurance and tell me how it works?

Speaker 1 Not really. Okay.

Speaker 1 Nay says, Mel, how did you know you were dyslexic?

Speaker 1 I found out I was dyslexic the way that most adults find out that they're dyslexic by having a child diagnosed with dyslexia. And then

Speaker 1 thinking to myself,

Speaker 1 this looks really familiar. And then going and getting one of the neuropsych evaluations and finding out.
Nice. Yep.
That's usually how it goes. All makes sense in the rearview mirror.

Speaker 1 Okay, Anne-Marie says, I desperately need to learn how to promote my business, of which I'm very passionate, without feeling egotistical. Can you help her male? Yes.

Speaker 1 You ready, Anne-Marie?

Speaker 1 And for all you people that love what you do and believe in your products and services, but you're embarrassed or worried about what people are going to think if you promote them.

Speaker 1 How dare you deny people? your products and services because you're too fucking insecure to market them.

Speaker 1 You're so worried about what your friends are going to think about your marketing that you are going to not talk about it.

Speaker 1 And if you don't talk about it, the people that need you can't fucking find. How selfish of you.

Speaker 1 How selfish of you.

Speaker 1 And so I want you to think about marketing,

Speaker 1 what you do, not as bragging,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 it's actually

Speaker 1 an act of service because people are looking for you. And how the fuck are they going to find you if you're not marketing?

Speaker 1 And if you're that good, so good that the way that you would market your business would sound like bragging, that's how good you are. How dare you deny the rest of us the opportunity to work with you?

Speaker 1 How's that?

Speaker 1 Mike dropped.

Speaker 1 Next question. Kath says, What are you most looking forward to in the next year, Mel?

Speaker 1 Going to Taylor Swift with my two daughters, Mother's Day weekend in Paris. It is my 55th birthday present to myself.

Speaker 1 Beat that.

Speaker 1 That sounds awesome. Okay.

Speaker 1 This person who shall remain nameless says, hey, Mel, what happens when you are doing all the work, all caps, all the work, and you still don't feel like you're enough?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 meaning I thought they meant all the work at home. You're doing all the personal development work.
Yeah, I think they mean all the personal development work.

Speaker 1 They're just in it to win it, and then they just still don't feel like they're enough.

Speaker 1 It's a great question

Speaker 1 because I think what's what's

Speaker 1 what I see happening

Speaker 1 in the kind of interest in personal development is that it can become a form of entertainment.

Speaker 1 That listening to inspiring content or listening to advice or listening to motivational videos, that it just is, it becomes like anything else.

Speaker 1 Like you like romantic comedies or you like horror movies or you like scripted series or you just love personal development. And that was me for a long time.

Speaker 1 And I just really enjoyed learning and listening and feeling upbeat, but it didn't really translate to action.

Speaker 1 And so if you are, quote, doing the work, I'm going to push back at you and say, are you doing the work or are you consuming a lot of content and thinking about it?

Speaker 1 Because that's two different things to do the work versus to

Speaker 1 just kind of learn. What that means is, are you changing your habits?

Speaker 1 Are you challenging yourself?

Speaker 1 Are you doing the deeper, really confronting stuff of looking at patterns of behavior from your childhood and where this pattern and this belief of unworthiness comes from?

Speaker 1 Are you healing your nervous system? You know, trying these things like cold exposure and vagus nerve toning, all of which we talk about here.

Speaker 1 It wasn't until I started getting very focused on what's called behavioral activation therapy, which is acting like the person you want to be.

Speaker 1 And so for you, somebody who still feels unworthy, despite how much you know, despite how much you listen to, I want you to take out a blank piece of paper and I want you to write down, what does a day in the life look like?

Speaker 1 If you did feel worthy, what time would you get up? What's the first thing you would do when you get up? Would you exercise? Would you journal? Would you go on a run?

Speaker 1 Would you look at your phone? Do you have a project you're working on? Do you journal? Do you have spiritual practice? What are the friends you hang out with if you feel worthy?

Speaker 1 What are the hobbies that you have if you feel worthy? Like write down what does a day in the life or a week in the life, what are the habits of that person, that version of you that feels worthy.

Speaker 1 And then the assignment, the work, so to speak, is do that shit. Do that shit even though you feel unworthy.
Do that even when you don't feel like it.

Speaker 1 Because it's through the actions that you will prove to yourself that, holy cow, you are in fact worthy because you're taking the actions that somebody who feels worthy takes.

Speaker 1 And that in and of itself becomes a positive feedback loop.

Speaker 1 And, you know, the other mistake you're probably making, because we all make it, is you're looking for worth to be proved by a job or another human being. And that's not how it rolls.

Speaker 1 Worth is created internally, just like love is created internally. And you do that through the actions that you take and the way that you treat yourself.

Speaker 1 And on that note, Amy and I got a blaze and you got work to do, but I'm not letting you out of here without telling you, in case nobody else tells you, that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life.

Speaker 1 And that's why I'm here rooting for you, bitching at you, kicking you in the ass, saying the stuff you don't want to hear, and making you laugh every step of the way.

Speaker 1 And I'll be back in a few days to do it again

Speaker 1 rolling rolling

Speaker 1 all right

Speaker 1 okay oh there you are can you hear okay oh my god this is gonna be so fun let's just hear

Speaker 1 over and over okay i can do it all and so can you you like sprinkles mal

Speaker 1 sprinkles yeah i'm we starting no i'm not i'm not oh is that an actual question? No, it's my question. I do not like sprinkles.
Oh, shit. I got to think of a new open then.

Speaker 1 Okay, hold on. Can you hear that? Can you hear that other thing? Boys.

Speaker 1 You got to be quiet.

Speaker 1 Give him a treat and tell him to stay. It's right there in that little wooden bowl.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper.
This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.

Speaker 1 This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend.

Speaker 1 I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good.

Speaker 1 I'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

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