The Science of Gratitude & 6 Surprising Ways You’re Getting It Wrong

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Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 1 I am so grateful that you tuned in today. This morning was freaking crazy.

Speaker 1 I came down to New York City and spent the night because I am really excited that the Mel Robbins podcast was selected by Good Morning America

Speaker 1 as their podcast of the month. So we come down from southern Vermont.
We spend the night in a hotel. I am sound asleep.
And at 3:48 in the morning, the freaking fire alarm goes off in the hotel.

Speaker 1 And it's so loud. It's like,

Speaker 1 and my first thought was, is it already 6.30? Because that's the time that I had set my alarm for. And then I realized, oh my gosh, it's the fire alarm.
And

Speaker 1 in my elementary school education, we went through fire drills so often. I don't know why we did, but there were constant fire drills.
And how many times did you have to stop, drop, and roll?

Speaker 1 Like, I literally thought stop, drop, and rolling was going to be a skill that I would use all the time in my adult life. So immediately, elementary school Mel takes over.

Speaker 1 And it's as if the principal was coming over the loudspeaker and the hotel management is like, Attention, ladies and gentlemen, the fire alarm is going off.

Speaker 1 we are investigating the new york city fire department is on its way please stay in your room and await further instructions

Speaker 1 who

Speaker 1 on earth is going to stay in their damn room when that is happening at 348 a.m in a high-rise hotel in new york city well i'll tell you mel robbins certainly is not so i scramble around my hotel room and these days i sleep naked because I'm constantly having hot flashes.

Speaker 1 And so I'm soaking wet because I've soaked through the bed sheets. Thankfully, I had laid out my exercise tights.
I pull them on. I pull on a t-shirt without a bra.
I put on my sneakers.

Speaker 1 I put on my favorite necklace and I run out of my door.

Speaker 1 Now, I do not get in the elevator because I have had training as an elementary school student that if you're ever in a fire in a building with an elevator, you do not get into the elevator.

Speaker 1 So I go down eight flights of stairs. And when I push open the door to the lobby, I startle the gentleman that is working at the front desk.
He's like,

Speaker 1 and I was surprised there wasn't already a party down there. As I was going down the stairs, I was thinking, I'm going to be late.
There's going to be a ton of people down there.

Speaker 1 We're all going to be in robes and PJs and I got to get down there. And I'm not smelling smoke, but I get down there.

Speaker 1 I am the only person in the lobby, the only one.

Speaker 1 Out of an entire New York City hotel, there is one person in the entire hotel who has decided to leave their room, and it is Mel Robbins.

Speaker 1 The fire trucks show up, and as the fire trucks show up, it was really cute.

Speaker 1 A family of six, they had their kids in strollers, and I could tell they had gotten up in a hurry because shirts were inside out and their shoes.

Speaker 1 You know, when you put your shoes on really quickly, they become almost like mules instead of sneakers. All six of them had on shoes like that.

Speaker 1 And then as the firemen start walking in, a second couple come down, tourists from Australia. And it was at that moment that we heard the manager go, attention, attention.
This is the hotel manager.

Speaker 1 Everything is okay. Thank you for your patience.
Good night. And that was it.

Speaker 1 So I get in the elevator and I look in the mirror in the elevator. And you want to know what? It's now like 4.06.

Speaker 1 I'm wearing my exercise tights. not only inside out, but backwards.
So the label is right on my stomach, facing out, and my t-shirt is inside out and backwards.

Speaker 1 Okay, thankfully nobody was in the lobby to notice. So I go back to bed.
Now, what happens next? Well, my alarm goes off at 6.30, but I'm such a daze that I don't even know if I heard it.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I heard it and turned it off. I didn't even remember waking up.
And then I wake up again and it is 6.55.

Speaker 1 And I realize, oh my God, I have registered for a Pure Bar class and it starts in five minutes. And Amy, who is my colleague,

Speaker 1 is probably waiting for me in the lobby. And so I

Speaker 1 immediately pull on my clothes. It is now 6:57.

Speaker 1 I see Amy has texted me. Are you coming? I then text her.
I'm running. Hold a spot, grab me socks, and I go out the door.
Now, I am panicking, and here's why. Have you ever been to a bar class?

Speaker 1 A bar class is a very unique animal because typically, if you are late to a bar class, you are treated as though you have been cut from a New York City ballet tryout.

Speaker 1 How dare you show up? Very strict, very precise. The studios have a very strict and precise staff.

Speaker 1 And so I'm sprinting down two New York City blocks and I am not in any kind of running shape whatsoever. So I'm sweating, I'm huffing and puffing.

Speaker 1 I'm imagining a scenario where I roll into class five minutes late. The person at the front desk, HALT, who goes there? No one goes in class, not you.
Don't be late. And so I'm going anyway.

Speaker 1 I'm going to try because I really want to exercise because it's going to help me do better on Good Morning America this morning. And it's a big morning.
And so I am huffing and puffing.

Speaker 1 I get to the building. I run up the second flight of stairs.
I am fully out of shape and about to have cardiac arrest at this point. And I go blowing through the front door.

Speaker 1 And there is

Speaker 1 a human

Speaker 1 rainbow, sunshine, goodness sitting at the front desk. And I will add that if JVN,

Speaker 1 you know, from Queer Eye, if he had a doppelganger, he is sitting at the front desk. And he has the biggest smile.
And he says, your friend Amy is all waiting for you.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry he

Speaker 1 just had this radiating goodness it was as if he put his arms energetically around me like a beautiful blanket warm and kind and we walked toward the studio and he was just so loving he's like honey here here's your little you know here's your thing and i'm like oh no no i'm just throwing my shoes here's oh let's put the tennis right here oh and amy's already got you set up do you have a hairband do you have a hairband i forgot a a hairband.

Speaker 1 Oh, honey, right here. And he was so calm and he was so grounding and so loving.

Speaker 1 I was in the hands of somebody divine.

Speaker 1 And he put his arm around me and walked me into the exercise studio. And there was Amy, and they had set me up.
And Amy had even bought me a pair of those sticky socks. And they were rainbow socks.

Speaker 1 Happy pride, everybody.

Speaker 1 I just felt so appreciative and so much love for not only Amy, but Judah, who had walked me in with his arm around my shoulder. I mean,

Speaker 1 wow.

Speaker 1 It was the exact opposite of what I had been bracing for.

Speaker 1 So after class, I was still buzzing with this appreciation for how he took care of me, by the energy exchange, by the care and the generosity and his spirit that I had to thank him.

Speaker 1 And so I walk up to the desk and I asked him his name and he said it was Judah. And I say, I am just so grateful for you.
You are warm and you're caring and you're so generous with me. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.
You are like a human ray of sunshine.

Speaker 1 And when I said, you are the human version of a ray of sunshine, he just smiled wide and he said, oh, well, that's the name of my band, Sunshine and the Fox. I can't make this stuff up.

Speaker 1 And we had this incredible back and forth. I wanted to tell you that because what I experienced and what I expressed to Judah this morning is an example of what researchers call genuine gratitude.

Speaker 1 And genuine gratitude is what I had planned on talking to you about today all along.

Speaker 1 And here this story appears like a gift from the universe on the exact day that we're going to talk about the topic of genuine gratitude. I just love this.

Speaker 1 And specifically, what I want to dig into is the difference between genuine gratitude and toxic gratitude.

Speaker 1 And here's the reason why you need to care about this topic, because number one, genuine gratitude, it's something that you need in your toolkit. But here's what I've learned based on the research.

Speaker 1 Most of you are practicing gratitude wrong. And if you're practicing gratitude wrong, you're not getting the full effect of its power.

Speaker 1 And you're going to learn that there are four specific parts to practicing genuine gratitude based on the research today. And then the second thing we're going to dig into is toxic gratitude.

Speaker 1 I was very surprised to learn in researching this show that there are six forms of toxic gratitude. And another thing that I was surprised to learn is that I have engaged in all six of them.

Speaker 1 I mean, I shouldn't be laughing about it because they're kind of gross. I didn't even realize it.

Speaker 1 And that's why I wanted to share these six forms of toxic gratitude with you, because I bet you're going to have some epiphanies about your own behavior or the behavior of other people.

Speaker 1 And please, please, please stick around to the end because you know that story I just told you about bar class and Judah?

Speaker 1 Well, it's not over.

Speaker 1 I get choked up when I think about the way the conversation ended. what Judah shared with me, and he has something that he wants to say to you too.

Speaker 1 But let's go back to unpacking genuine gratitude because I personally found the research around gratitude and what it is and what it isn't to be a helpful place to start before you and I jump into the six types of toxic gratitude that I certainly am guilty of engaging in.

Speaker 1 And I bet you're going to recognize some of them too.

Speaker 1 When you start to look into the research around gratitude, all roads lead to a guy named Robert Eamons, and he's a psychologist and a professor at the University of California, Davis, that researches gratitude.

Speaker 1 Like that's what this guy's known for. And his definition of gratitude is that gratitude is a deep appreciation for what you have received.

Speaker 1 It will literally rewire your brain when you do it correctly. First of all, you're teaching yourself to scan the world for the positive.
instead of constantly scanning for the negative.

Speaker 1 So for example, let's go back to my story this morning. When I was racing late to the bar studio, I was scanning the world for the negative, wasn't I? And what was happening? I was sweating.

Speaker 1 I was stressed. I was panting and hyperventilating.
I was bracing for the worst. I was probably jacking up my cortisol, which created a negative experience in my body.
Genuine gratitude.

Speaker 1 is when you're noticing and appreciating what's happening around you, and that triggers a positive chain of events. There There are four different types of neurotransmitters that get stimulated.

Speaker 1 It also triggers the flow of neuroeporephrin. I cannot say this word.
Neuroeperephine? Neuroeperephine?

Speaker 1 You know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 It's the energy hormone, and I cannot say it. Thank you, dyslexia.

Speaker 1 And what happens when all of these feel-good hormones and the neurotransmitters like dopamine, oxytocin, and noreperepharin, whatever the heck it's called, you still love me. You feel calmer.

Speaker 1 You feel brighter. You feel more focused, which in turn makes you feel healthier.
It makes you feel happier. It helps with decision making.
It helps you with focus.

Speaker 1 And so there's such a profound chain reaction that happens in your mind. And that's exactly what I experienced this morning.

Speaker 1 And the second that I started to feel this wave of appreciation toward Judah and how he was taking care of me, I was expressing and feeling genuine gratitude. This is what the research describes.

Speaker 1 It did shift how I felt in my body. I did feel calmer.
I did start to focus and feel more focused on the positive about the class.

Speaker 1 I felt a deep level of connection to this person that I had just met seconds ago. Now, one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about toxic gratitude in particular is because gratitude to me

Speaker 1 feels like it's reached the jump the shark moment. And for those of you that may be too young to understand the happy days reference, it just means that something has gone way overboard.

Speaker 1 It's no longer in, it's out. And you know how I know?

Speaker 1 When you walk into TJ Maxx or HomeGoods and there are a bunch of pillows that have gratitude on them on the clearance rack, we have all gone way too overboard on the gratitude train.

Speaker 1 And it also means that we are not doing it correctly because gratitude is a deep, deep, deep experience and it's deeply personal.

Speaker 1 And I will admit to you, I have in fact bought a pillow off of the clearance rack at HomeGoods. Mine did not say gratitude.
They said thankful.

Speaker 1 So when we come back after hearing a short word from our sponsors, I'm going to explain the key difference between being thankful

Speaker 1 and being genuinely grateful based on Professor Edmonds' research at UC Davis.

Speaker 1 And you're going to want to know this because it will help you really understand the six types of toxic gratitude that you need to knock off, you need to know about.

Speaker 1 And then we've got three amazing takeaways for how you can cultivate a genuine gratitude practice based on the research. And one more thing, because I am so genuinely grateful that you're here.

Speaker 1 I have a surprise for you today. I'm so excited.
I've been wanting to do this for a while. Listen all the way to the end because the Mel Robbins podcast now has bloopers.

Speaker 1 And why did I want to do this? Because I think it's fun to laugh at yourself. We're doing so much hard work here to try to improve our lives.

Speaker 1 Let's have a little fun and laugh at one another or me at the end of every podcast. I can't wait to hear what you think of them.
We'll be right back.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back. I'm El Robbins.
Today, you and I are talking about the research that explains what genuine gratitude is and the six forms of toxic gratitude that you need to stop doing in your life.

Speaker 1 All right. So I promised that I would unpack the difference between being thankful versus genuine gratitude.
Okay, you ready?

Speaker 1 So being thankful, think about this as something transactional that's just sort of on the surface.

Speaker 1 Because if you're thankful, it's automatic, it's in the moment, and it's sort of like good manners, right? If somebody, for example, holds the elevator door for you, you're not grateful.

Speaker 1 You're thankful. You say thanks.

Speaker 1 And the second the door is closed, you forget that you said thanks, and they forget that you said thanks because they expected you to say thanks because they held the door open.

Speaker 1 That is what it means to be thankful. It's transactional, it's automatic, it's momentary.
Gratitude, something else entirely. Genuine gratitude is when you are deeply moved.

Speaker 1 When the emotion of appreciation,

Speaker 1 the emotion of being connected, either to to another human being or some larger force that you can't explain. The emotion lingers.

Speaker 1 And the other thing that's important about gratitude is that it's not expected in the moment from anyone else. And oftentimes, moments of genuine gratitude, they take you by pure surprise.

Speaker 1 And the impact is lasting. It's like a positive energy buzz.
And so let's go back to the example this morning with Judah.

Speaker 1 I was deeply moved by how kind he was.

Speaker 1 I was

Speaker 1 so moved that even when I was in class and my quads were quivering and I was huffing and puffing, I was still thinking and feeling this emotion of appreciation for how I was welcomed late into the studio and how I was taken care of.

Speaker 1 And when I stopped by the desk and I called Judah a human ray of sunshine, he wasn't expecting that. He smiled wide.

Speaker 1 He might have been expecting a thank you, but no, I expressed this deep, deep emotion.

Speaker 1 And I think you can tell, because this happened just a couple hours ago, I'm still buzzing from the appreciation and the dopamine rush and the oxytocin and the epiphorephrin or whatever you call that, it is lingering in me.

Speaker 1 That's how I know it is genuine gratitude. And there is this connection that happens.

Speaker 1 When you have a situation where you express genuine gratitude, you feel deeply connected to the energy of the other person.

Speaker 1 And you're going to feel that when you hear the message that Judah has for you and the three takeaways that he has for you about gratitude.

Speaker 1 Let me give you one more example of being thankful versus being grateful.

Speaker 1 Let's say that you're in an area where there is a huge snowstorm and you have an elderly neighbor and you go over in the morning after shoveling your own steps in your own drive and you shovel the steps of your neighbor.

Speaker 1 When you're done shoveling the steps, can we just be honest with one another? You kind of expect a thank you, right?

Speaker 1 You'd be sort of like, meh, what a rude person if they didn't open up the door and say thank you or didn't wander over later and say thank you. That's what I mean by the nature of a thank you.

Speaker 1 It's transactional, it's expected. That's not how gratitude works.

Speaker 1 Gratitude is the woman opening the door and coming down and hugging you and putting her hands on your shoulders and looking you in the eye and telling you: the last time somebody shoveled my walk was when my son was alive.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. I am so grateful that you took care of me this morning.

Speaker 1 You can feel the

Speaker 1 fact that she's deeply moved. You can feel the lingering emotion.
You didn't expect that.

Speaker 1 But you now have this lasting buzz feel-good thing too, don't you?

Speaker 1 That is genuine gratitude. When you cultivate those moments,

Speaker 1 it changes how you move through your day-to-day life. That's why this is such a profound practice.

Speaker 1 And one of the mistakes that people make when they, quote, have a gratitude practice is they're really writing down things that they're thankful for.

Speaker 1 I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for my kids.
I'm thankful for my job. I'm thankful for this.
I'm thankful for that. That's not practicing genuine gratitude.

Speaker 1 Genuine gratitude has four requirements based on the research, and you need these four requirements present in order to tap into the profound internal impact, to get the chemical release, to get the flood that's lasting, that changes your mood and helps you feel more confident and connected to people around you.

Speaker 1 And those four requirements are, number one, it has to be really specific,

Speaker 1 the thing that is triggering this flood of gratitude. And so when you write down that you're thankful for your health, you're thankful for your kids, you kind of do that on autopilot, don't you?

Speaker 1 You got to get really specific.

Speaker 1 The second thing that's got to be present is there needs to be something deeply personal about it.

Speaker 1 And the way that you can figure that out is tapping into the third piece, which is why is it moving you? What is it about this specific and deeply personal thing that moves you?

Speaker 1 And the fourth thing, and this is when you know it's genuine gratitude, it's not just

Speaker 1 a passing thing.

Speaker 1 The feeling lingers with you. And so when you're writing down generic things like, I'm thankful for the food right now,

Speaker 1 that's not specific enough. It's not personal enough.
It's certainly not tapping into why that moves you.

Speaker 1 And it's not going to leave a lingering emotion because the second you start eating the food that you're thankful for, you're going to forget the gratitude that you wanted to feel.

Speaker 1 Genuine gratitude is deeper. It's filled with emotion.
It lingers. I'll give you an example.
And it's kind of weird, but just bear with me. I am so grateful

Speaker 1 for my daughter, who

Speaker 1 always calls me out on the ugly clothing that I wear, even though I hate hearing it in the moment, because

Speaker 1 she wants me to feel and look my best. I say that because my daughter picked out my outfit for Good Morning America, and I kind of second-guessed her, but she was right.

Speaker 1 So I'm sitting here very grateful because I got a lot of compliments on my bell bottom jeans and my red t-shirt that I wore at Good Morning America today. And I have a lingering buzz about it.

Speaker 1 Now let's talk toxic gratitude. Yes, there is such a thing as toxic gratitude.
It's when you use gratitude in a very negative way.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to walk through the six examples of this after we hear a short word from our sponsors. They allow me to bring all of this to you at zero cost.

Speaker 1 And so I'm, you know, very thankful for our sponsors. And I am grateful that today is the inaugural podcast episode with bloopers all the way at the end.
All right, stick around. We'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Here's something to remember. Pay attention to how people make you feel.
Dating isn't just about the surface details we sometimes get caught up on.

Speaker 1 What matters most is whether being with someone helps you feel grounded and fully yourself. That kind of alignment is what leads to lasting relationships.

Speaker 1 Bumble is designed to help you find connections that feel in tune with who you are with tools like thoughtful prompts and shared interests that highlight what really matters to someone and verified profiles that give you peace of mind.

Speaker 1 When you stay aligned with yourself, dating feels less like a struggle and more like an opportunity. Bumble can help you put that into practice.

Speaker 1 You know, so many members of the team here at the Mel Robbins podcast have people in their lives who not only found meaningful connections on Bumble, they found the one.

Speaker 1 I mean, one one of our producer's friends named Hannah was using Bumble BFF and she loved meeting friends on it so much she thought, wait, I should be using Bumble for dating too.

Speaker 1 Not long after, she matched with Declan. They met up for a first date and they realized quickly that they were not only aligned, they were a perfect match.

Speaker 1 And just as easily as Bumble helped Hannah meet new friends, it connected her with the person she eventually married. Download Bumble and find your meaningful connection today.

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Speaker 1 I mean, if you love the look, you should love the whole look, right?

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Speaker 1 She ended up falling in love with the clean lines and soft fabric of the sofa from the Alyssa Court Collection. I just feel so grateful.
Big shout out to Ashley.com.

Speaker 1 You took what was a stressful situation into a really incredible experience together. Visit your local Ashley store or head to Ashley.com to find your style.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today we're talking about genuine gratitude and the six types of toxic gratitude that we all engage in, including yours truly.
And here's how we're going to do this.

Speaker 1 First, I'm going to tell you what all six are, and then I'm going to go one by one and explain them. And I'm also going to share with you the takeaway that you need so that you can stop doing this.

Speaker 1 Okay. And it's all based in the the research.
You're going to love this.

Speaker 1 So the six forms of toxic gratitude is when you use gratitude to only focus on the thing that's going well in your life, but you completely ignore the big messes.

Speaker 1 The second way that you use gratitude in a toxic way is when you use gratitude to manipulate or shame other people.

Speaker 1 The third way is when gratitude becomes a justification to do nothing and to stay stuck where you are.

Speaker 1 The fourth way that gratitude gets toxic is when gratitude is a way to escape uncomfortable emotions that you don't want to feel in yourself.

Speaker 1 The fifth way that gratitude becomes toxic is when you start pushing positivity on other people because you don't know what to say. So you say something positive.

Speaker 1 And the final toxic form of gratitude is when you use gratitude as a way to knock yourself down when you're accomplishing something.

Speaker 1 And so let's unpack them all and then give you the takeaway. Okay, here we go.
Number one,

Speaker 1 toxic gratitude is when you only focus on the things that are going good in your life.

Speaker 1 And you are so over focused on what is a blessing and what you're grateful for that you ignore the gigantic shit show of a mess that is right behind you.

Speaker 1 And the perfect example of this is that friend of yours who is constantly posting only the most beautiful, lovey-dovey, kissy, feet-on-the-beach photos of them and their significant other.

Speaker 1 Grateful, blessed, love of my life. And yet every time you see this person, they spend three hours bitching about what's actually going on.
That right there is a form.

Speaker 1 of toxic gratitude because you are grandstanding the good part of your life and you are lying about what's going on. When gratitude is genuine, it gives space for the negative.

Speaker 1 Genuine, deep-felt gratitude acknowledges the painful, the broken, the messy part in partnership with the beauty. with the lessons, and with the hard work.

Speaker 1 And when you only have one of those things present, it's not genuine gratitude.

Speaker 1 And so, instead of posting the absolute beautiful, most incredible, phenomenal things, don't post anything if you can't post the truth.

Speaker 1 I'm not suggesting you air everything out like dirty laundry on the internet, but you could certainly post photos, love this person, because through the ups and downs, we always tend to work through it, and that's the sign of somebody that I want to be with.

Speaker 1 That's way better than the polished filtered photos anyway. That's the message we all need.
And it's the truth. And aren't we all grateful when we see the truth expressed from other people?

Speaker 1 The second form of toxic gratitude, and this is one that I am so guilty of, it does not make me proud to admit this to you, but it's when you use gratitude like a sledgehammer.

Speaker 1 and you shame and you manipulate other people. This type of toxic gratitude was the way people parented for generations.
And it's the way that I used to parent.

Speaker 1 And it's something that I'm really working on, which is you basically

Speaker 1 invalidate people. You cook dinner and you put dinner out for your family and your family, I don't want to eat that.
And what do you say?

Speaker 1 You should be grateful that you have anything on your plate at all.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Or the kids lose their soccer match. in the semifinals and they get in the back of the car and they're crying and they're sad and you can't deal with it.

Speaker 1 And so you're like, well, you should be grateful you made it this far. I mean, that's a really good thing.

Speaker 1 Or

Speaker 1 like I did the other night, you know, Oakley, we hosted the palm party. You'd think you'd be grateful enough for crying out loud to help me unload the dishwasher.
Oops.

Speaker 1 Do not use gratitude to shame somebody, to blame somebody, to guilt somebody. Period.

Speaker 1 You know it's wrong. I know it's wrong.
I still do it. Why? Because that's how everybody parented for a long time.
In a transactional way, in a, I expect this from you.

Speaker 1 I gave you this, you give me that. That's not genuine gratitude.
What I was expressing was resentment. That's not gratitude.
So don't use the word gratitude in those cases.

Speaker 1 Third form of toxic gratitude is when gratitude becomes a justification to keep you stuck in a place that makes you unhappy. And I'll give you two specific examples.

Speaker 1 A lot of you write into the Mel Robbins podcast complaining about your jobs, and then you put in the sentence, you ready? I'm just grateful to have a paycheck.

Speaker 1 End of story.

Speaker 1 And the reason why this is toxic is because if you hate your job and then you end the sentence with, but I'm grateful to have a paycheck,

Speaker 1 are you motivated to change your job? Nope. Or how about this this example?

Speaker 1 You're in a relationship, or you can think about a friend who's in a relationship, and they are with somebody that's dragging them down, with somebody that they are complaining about.

Speaker 1 But what do they say to you? Or what do you say to yourself? Well, I'm grateful that I have somebody. Or, well, at least they're better than so-and-so's significant other.

Speaker 1 I'm just grateful I'm not dating a loser like she is.

Speaker 1 Hold on a second.

Speaker 1 So you're using gratitude to justify that you're lowering your standards. Here's how you change this.

Speaker 1 If you find that you're saying, well, I'm just grateful that I have this. I'm just grateful that I have that, but you don't like what you have, you're shaming yourself into staying.

Speaker 1 So I want you to add in the truth. Here's how this works.
I am grateful that I have a paycheck

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I deserve to work somewhere where I feel appreciated. And so I'm going to start looking for a different job.
Do you see how different that feels?

Speaker 1 And one way we might supersize this is let's just not use the word gratitude or grateful at all. Let's use thankful because it's more transactional, right?

Speaker 1 I'm thankful that I met this person and that I was in a relationship with this person.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I deserve to be with somebody who brings out the best of me.

Speaker 1 And so I'm going to end this.

Speaker 1 Do you see how different that feels?

Speaker 1 Two things can be true at the same time. You can be thankful for the paycheck, but you can acknowledge that you deserve more.

Speaker 1 You can be thankful that somebody was in your life and you can acknowledge that they're no longer your person. And it doesn't mean they're a bad person, but you deserve somebody else.

Speaker 1 And somebody else might be the single you.

Speaker 1 And so you're acknowledging that two things are true at once. And a lot of times with toxic gratitude, you're only looking at one thing.

Speaker 1 And that brings me to the next one. A lot of us use gratitude as a way to escape uncomfortable emotions that we don't want to talk about or we don't want to feel.
I'll give you a quick example.

Speaker 1 Have you ever noticed that when somebody dies of cancer, or they die after a long struggle,

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 the phrase that people say when they die like that is, I'm just grateful they're no longer suffering.

Speaker 1 Now, here's why this can be problematic.

Speaker 1 What you're actually feeling are two things, right? Yes, it's true. You're grateful or thankful

Speaker 1 that they're no longer suffering.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm devastated. that my father's gone.

Speaker 1 Do you see how that goes kunk?

Speaker 1 Why does this matter? I'll tell you why it matters. Because

Speaker 1 it is critical for your mental health that you acknowledge and validate the uncomfortable emotions that you're feeling.

Speaker 1 It is critical for your resilience that you speak about and that you name the heartbreak, the pain, the grief that you feel. When we all walk around like, okay, I'm fine.

Speaker 1 I'm just grateful they're no longer hurting. I'm grateful that we're not fighting anymore and that they asked for the divorce.
No, you're not. He just asked for this divorce last night.

Speaker 1 You've had 14 hours to process this. You're already telling me you're great.
No, you're not grateful. Knock that shit off.
Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

Speaker 1 Don't quickly jump to gratitude right now. You got to talk about all the things that you're feeling.
Gratitude may be one sliver of the 76 emotions that you're feeling.

Speaker 1 This just happened to me a couple of weeks ago. Somebody called me just in a complete breakdown and said that her husband had asked for a divorce.

Speaker 1 And in the telling of the story, every time she got herself worked up emotionally, she would quickly grab gratitude, but I'm grateful. And I said, no, you're not.
You're not ready to be.

Speaker 1 You're in the tsunami of emotions. And when somebody grabs gratitude too quickly, I go, oh,

Speaker 1 you are drowning in the emotions. And this is a way to keep your head above water.
And that's okay,

Speaker 1 but acknowledge that you're doing it. And please also acknowledge the scary things that you're feeling, which this person did.
But you got to be careful.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't think you're ready for gratitude 24 hours after a divorce, a breakup, a death, an accident, any of it. You have to give yourself time to process it.

Speaker 1 And interestingly, the research shows that the more that you face your negative emotions, the more that you talk about your uncomfortable feelings, the faster they pass.

Speaker 1 And so by using gratitude as you're just climbing this mountain that's right in front of you, you are missing out on the benefit of talking about the struggle and talking about your fears and talking about the wave of uncomfortable feelings that are rising up.

Speaker 1 And it's going to make the climb harder the longer you do that.

Speaker 1 And so make sure you put your arm around all those awful feelings that you have and you talk to people about them because that's how you're going to process them.

Speaker 1 And that is a appropriate and mentally healthy response to the things that are scary in life.

Speaker 1 You know, let me stop on that real quick. When you're going through something hard, you are mentally well

Speaker 1 when you express the uncomfortable emotions. If you're going through something like heartbreak or you've just lost your job,

Speaker 1 yes, it sounds better to go, I hated that job anyway. Thank God.

Speaker 1 But we know that you feel ashamed. We know that it's embarrassing to get laid off.
I've been laid off a bunch of times. I've been fired once.
It's embarrassing.

Speaker 1 Even if you wanted it to happen, there's still a humiliating aspect and a humbling aspect to that. Process it.

Speaker 1 Otherwise, you're just kind of engaging in toxic gratitude to posture and to try to move through it without facing it. And that's not going to help you.

Speaker 1 The fifth way that gratitude turns toxic is when you push positivity because you have no idea what to say to somebody.

Speaker 1 So, for example,

Speaker 1 if somebody tells you that they have cancer and you immediately go, you're going to beat it

Speaker 1 because you don't know what else to say.

Speaker 1 Or somebody says to you that they just had to declare bankruptcy. Stay positive.
You're going to be okay.

Speaker 1 What the research shows is that when you push positivity, they feel

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 their emotions aren't valid. They feel like you don't get it.
How could you know if I'm going to beat this cancer? You're not me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe a ton of other people have, but I don't know what's going to happen.

Speaker 1 So the better thing to do is instead of forcing positivity, it's okay to say, that fucking sucks.

Speaker 1 That's what I always say to people that have cancer. That sucks.
You don't deserve this. And then I say the only thing that I know that's true, you're not going to go through this alone.

Speaker 1 Because I don't know what's going to happen. And I don't have anything positive to say except for, you didn't deserve this and you're not going to go through it alone.

Speaker 1 And I stole that from Adam Grant and Cheryl Samberg, who wrote Plan B, option B. I can't remember the name of the book, but we'll link to it.
And please do not use gratitude to

Speaker 1 take away

Speaker 1 your accomplishments and the fact that you worked for them, you deserve them.

Speaker 1 Do you know how many times I hear people say when they get to a big meeting or they get to an event that they deserve to be at, by the way, I'm so grateful that you brought me.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, you deserve to be here.

Speaker 1 This is not a moment for gratitude. You can thank me for inviting you to this thing,

Speaker 1 but you deserve to be here. That's why you were included.
And in fact, you deserve to be there probably when you weren't included.

Speaker 1 You know, this is going to sound really weird, but I'm not grateful for my success. Why? Because I worked my fucking ass off for it.
I've slept on couches. I've clawed my way out of bankruptcy.

Speaker 1 I work weekends and nights and I've put in the work for over a decade. I'm not going to be grateful for this because it diminishes the responsibility that I took in creating this.
Now I'm profoundly,

Speaker 1 genuinely grateful that you're here with me.

Speaker 1 I am profoundly, genuinely grateful.

Speaker 1 for the messages that you send, for the walks that you take with me, for the time that you give me.

Speaker 1 It just is moving.

Speaker 1 It's what gets me out of bed. It's what drives my work ethic.
But when I think about the things that I've accomplished, I want you to own that. And I want to give you a little inspiration.

Speaker 1 Because I keep waiting for somebody to walk into one of these award ceremonies like the Oscars and the Grammys and be like, it's about damn time that you gave me an award.

Speaker 1 I deserve this, mother, you know, I deserve this. My favorite acceptance talk of all times was by Snoop Dogg, Hollywood Walk of Fame star, 2018.
This is what he said.

Speaker 2 I want to thank me.

Speaker 2 I want to thank me for believing in me.

Speaker 2 I want to thank me for doing all this hard work.

Speaker 2 I want to thank me for having no days off.

Speaker 2 I want to thank me for never quitting.

Speaker 1 There's no toxic gratitude in that. He is taking full responsibility for what he worked for and for the results that he created.

Speaker 1 Now, I'm not saying that you didn't do it without help, but we've tipped the scales too much in being so grateful for everybody else.

Speaker 1 And I want you to turn it back on yourself and use genuine gratitude to lift yourself up. Use genuine gratitude.
As Dr.

Speaker 1 Eamons says, look backwards and acknowledge in the past all the challenges and the mountains that were there in front of you that you scaled. And then

Speaker 1 feel the appreciation for yourself

Speaker 1 and for anybody else or any of the synchronicity moments that happened that allowed you to scale those challenges and learn those lessons and be who you are today. That is genuine gratitude.

Speaker 1 Stand in the present moment, like I did this morning, and notice as it's happening, how other people or the forces at large are there to support you.

Speaker 1 It's like this force field of good vibrates around you and magnifies this beautiful thing called life. And remember how I told you there was more to the story? Well, let's go back to that story.

Speaker 1 Because after that amazing, moving experience of being so taken care of and feeling just this rush of genuine gratitude, I get to the studio over at Sirius XM and I decided on a whim, you know, I'm just going to look up the meaning of the name Judah.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 Judah,

Speaker 1 when you look it up, what you will see is the word praise, praise, praise, praise. And then when you dig a little bit deeper, what Judah means is thank you.

Speaker 1 A thank you that is so deep that it is synonymous with gratitude.

Speaker 1 I have chills.

Speaker 1 I have chills that that's what happened this morning on the exact day we were planning on having this episode happen.

Speaker 1 Isn't that incredible?

Speaker 1 I had an experience of genuine gratitude with a man whose name means thanks so deep. It's synonymous with gratitude.

Speaker 1 Not only can you not make this stuff up, I actually believe these things happen for a reason. And it's why you need to be awake and aware in your life.

Speaker 1 And I'm so grateful every time one of these synchronicities happen and that I can share them with you. But you got to be willing to notice it happening in the present moment.

Speaker 1 That's the power of synchronicity. And that's also what gratitude helps you tap into.
It's like that little moment when the light turns green. at just the right time

Speaker 1 and the wave of appreciation that you feel that you didn't miss the graduation ceremony because there was something you couldn't explain about how traffic lifted and you're just feeling appreciation for it.

Speaker 1 And when you start to practice it in the present, you can use genuine gratitude to acknowledge it's going to be really hard to break up with this person you love.

Speaker 1 That is, boy.

Speaker 1 Oof, haven't we all avoided that one like the plague?

Speaker 1 Guilty is charged right here.

Speaker 1 Leverage genuine gratitude for yourself, knowing that even though this is going to be painful,

Speaker 1 that you appreciate that you're willing to have the courage to be honest with yourself and them.

Speaker 1 And that you appreciate knowing that down the road, you will look back on this very, very challenging moment and you will understand

Speaker 1 why it needed to happen.

Speaker 1 And that brings me to the final piece of the story from this morning.

Speaker 1 I was buzzing so much, not only after my interaction with Judah, but after I looked up the spelling of his name and the meaning behind it, I was like, what?

Speaker 1 That I'm like, there's something going on and I got to reach out. I just have to reach out and connect with him.
And that's when he shared with us.

Speaker 1 That one of the reasons why he was so grounded is because when Amy walked in, he was writing down what he was grateful for. But it went way beyond that.

Speaker 1 So I asked Judah, Judah, what are the top three things that you do in order to cultivate calm, grounding, grateful, positive energy that you displayed this morning?

Speaker 1 And I know you're going to love what he's here to share with you.

Speaker 3 Good morning. This is Judah Frank, and I had the pleasure of meeting Amy and Mel this morning for a brief but lovely and chaotic interaction.

Speaker 3 So the question that you asked me is how I stay grounded in a chaotic environment.

Speaker 3 and aside from actually physically grounding like on a beach or on a hike with bare feet sending the energy through the heels of your feet to the earth back up through your body and then neutralizing any negative energy that you might be carrying with you aside from that

Speaker 3 I just do my best which is one of the four agreements, which I love so much. I do my best to live my life intentionally.

Speaker 3 And I recently heard that if you have a strong enough why, then you can withstand any how.

Speaker 3 So for me, my why that gets me through every day with a sunshiny disposition is my music, the sharing of my music and my message with my band Sunshine and the Fox.

Speaker 3 And our collective why in our group is to be a super force of love. So that was all I was doing today, just doing my job, just being a super force of love.
So I hope you guys enjoy your rainbow socks.

Speaker 3 And thanks so much for reaching out and connecting with me. I hope you guys are having a terrific day.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. Don't you just feel a swell of lingering positive energy? Judith, thank you.
And the name of that band, Sunshine and the Fox. Well, there's one more thing.

Speaker 1 It turns out that they have a song that kind of goes with this episode. And the song is entitled, I am and I can.

Speaker 1 Check this out.

Speaker 1 I am strength, I am roots. I am wool in my pursuits.
I can balance harmony. There is that much more to me.
I am power, I am love. That's been over so I love.
I am

Speaker 1 and I care.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 I love it. I am strength.
You do not want to hear me sing, but I am gratitude. I'm genuine gratitude.
It is just deep appreciation while acknowledging the reality of what's going on.

Speaker 1 And toxic gratitude is either escaping the reality or manipulating other people

Speaker 1 or only focusing on the good thing

Speaker 1 without acknowledging reality. And the reality is, I deeply appreciate that you chose to listen to this episode with me today.

Speaker 1 I am deeply, genuinely grateful for you.

Speaker 1 And that's my why.

Speaker 1 My why is you. And that's why I'm here twice a week, every week, to remind you that I love you.
And I believe in you.

Speaker 1 And I believe in your ability to tap into the power of genuine gratitude and to use it to create a better life. All right.
I'll talk to you in a few days.

Speaker 1 The molecule of motivation. Neuroeperin, I cannot say this one.
Neuepherein. Noreperephrin.
Noreperephepinephrin.

Speaker 1 Neuroeperephrin.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Oh my God.
Noreperephrin. I just say it fast.
Noreperephrin. Noreperephrin.
Norephinperephrin. Okay, I can't say it.

Speaker 1 Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper.
This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.

Speaker 1 This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend.

Speaker 1 I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good.

Speaker 1 I'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

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