Are You an “Over” or “Under” Functioner? A Hilarious and Helpful Guide to YOUR Stress Style

Speaker 1 Mel Robbins podcast is brought to you by Sheridan. You know what's the most overlooked hotel amenity? The lobby.

Speaker 1 Usually, it's just where you check in and check out, but that's all changed with Sheridan's lobbies, redesigned as a place to work, relax, recharge.

Speaker 1 The community table doubles as your co-working space by day, your team's hangout spot at night. Need quiet? Duck into a soundproof booth.
With co-workers, reserve a tech-enabled studio space.

Speaker 1 And the all-day cafe, and more by Sheridan, fuels you for all of it. Sheridan, the world's gathering place, part of Marriott Bonvoy.
Book now via Sheridan.com.

Speaker 1 There's nothing better than feeling like someone has your back and that things are going to get done without you even having to ask.

Speaker 1 That kind of reliability is rare, but ATT is making it the norm with the ATT guarantee. Staying connected matters.
Git connectivity you can depend on. That's the ATT guarantee.

Speaker 1 Visit att.com/slash guarantee to learn more. ATT Connecting changes everything.
Terms and conditions apply. Visit ATT.com slash guarantee for details.

Speaker 1 The Mel Robbins podcast is proudly sponsored by Amika Insurance. They say if you want to go fast, go alone.
But if you want to go far, go together.

Speaker 1 When you go with Amika, you're getting coverage from a mutual insurer that's built for their customers. So they'll help look after what's important to you together.
Auto, home, life, and more.

Speaker 1 Amika Amika has you covered. At Amika, they'll help protect what matters most to you.
Visit Amika.com and get a quote today.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 1 Today, you and I are going to do something so awesome. I'm going to bring you into my life in real time as I am experiencing a breakdown.
That's right.

Speaker 1 Just this morning, I had something incredibly stressful happen.

Speaker 1 And I decided because I knew that this was something that you would likely relate to, that I would just hit the voice memo and I would take you into the stressful breakdown in real time.

Speaker 1 The reason why I wanted to do that is because

Speaker 1 there are only two ways, according to the research, that you and I cope with stressful situations. When the shit hits the fan in your life, you are either what researchers call an overfunctioner

Speaker 2 or an underfunctioner.

Speaker 1 Now, my husband and I are opposites. Chris, in a stressful situation, under functions.
Mel, she overfunctions. This is a very common problem in friendships, in relationships.

Speaker 1 If you don't understand your automatic response to stress, it gets the best of you. And so.
I'm so excited for today because we're going to go into the stressful situation.

Speaker 1 You're going to see yourself and either Mel or Chris. Let's go to the scene.

Speaker 1 This morning, sitting in the front seat of my husband's pickup truck, I am unpacking in real time for you the shit that went down on the drive there.

Speaker 1 And will you just give me some grace? This is not my finest hour. And especially if you identify with Chris, you're going to think I'm a real nightmare.

Speaker 1 But I am willing to show you the worst sides of me so that we can all become a little bit better. So without further ado, meet over functioning Mel Robbins.

Speaker 1 So I'm sitting here in the front seat of

Speaker 1 Chris's pickup and

Speaker 1 I just wanted to talk to you. I have had

Speaker 1 one hell of a morning. And you know, when you have a morning or a day where everything just goes off the rails and you can feel your heart pounding in your chest,

Speaker 1 that is me right now. My heart is pressing against the seatbelt.
It has just been one thing after another. So I thought, you know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going to pick up my phone and hit record and I'm just going to talk to you.

Speaker 1 Cause for me, I'm the kind of person that needs to process this kind of stuff out loud. And I figured that

Speaker 1 hearing how I deal with

Speaker 1 the circumstances of life that stress us all out, it might help you the next time you feel like your day just went off the rails. So Chris has a colonoscopy appointment today.

Speaker 1 And for the past 24 hours, he has been prepping for it. He's been grumpy.
He's been back and forth to the bathroom. And we've been sending funny memes in our family group chat.

Speaker 1 One of the funny ones is, you know, those scenes in a movie where there's a big like explosion or car crash and somebody is casually walking away from this massive ball of fire?

Speaker 1 I'm thinking of like the fast and furious movies as if nothing's happened.

Speaker 1 The kids were joking that that was Chris leaving the bathroom last night every time he would go in there because the colonoscopy cleanout medication was working.

Speaker 1 I knew that we were going to have a really early morning departure this morning.

Speaker 1 And so I planned on getting up at the ass crack of dawn so that I could let the dogs out and get my morning rituals in and setting myself up so that I could sit at the hospital and have everything ready.

Speaker 1 And you know that podcast, the Mel Robbins podcast? She did this episode about evening routines and how evening routines help you set up a morning routine. Well, guess what?

Speaker 1 I didn't listen to that fucking bitch.

Speaker 1 I did not set myself up last night. Nope, not at all.
Did not listen to that advice. Nope.
Would have been great had I set out my computer.

Speaker 1 Would have been great had I set out the chords I needed and the notebook or printed out the transcripts that I needed to review so that I could have been prepared when I woke up and empowered.

Speaker 1 But no, I didn't do that. And I went to bed and I forgot to set my fucking alarm.
And so I was woken up this morning, hearing Chris shuffle into our bedroom, grouchy,

Speaker 1 mad, hungry. He's been up all night, you know, emptying the pipes.
I shoot out of bed like a rocket. Oh my God, we've got 25 minutes before we're supposed to leave.
I let the dogs out.

Speaker 1 I feed the dogs. I'm now racing around.
Chris is now quietly shuffling to the pickup truck where he is climbing into the front seat and reclining it like a bed.

Speaker 1 And I don't know about you, but when I'm running late and my family gets into the car, it makes my heart race because I now feel the added pressure of not only racing around like a lunatic and feeling stressed out because I have shot myself in the foot, but I'm feeling the added pressure because people are now waiting for me.

Speaker 1 So I go back and forth to the car. I put my water in, my coffee in.
I start grabbing stuff from the office, from my bedroom, from all these other places. And it's kind of a nightmare, honestly.

Speaker 1 And so I climb into the car and my heart is racing shit shit shit shit shit I did not print out the transcript but now we're up against arriving on time shit shit shit shit shit and Chris is sound asleep and I'm thinking

Speaker 1 we just have to go we just have to go I have now doubly shot myself in the foot because I have not gotten my morning routine and that helped me feel grounded. So I'm feeling behind the ball there.

Speaker 1 I have half the stuff that I need and I don't even know what I've forgotten. I don't have time to get it because I really need to support Chris right now.
And so I back out of the driveway.

Speaker 1 We start driving.

Speaker 1 It's a nice, quiet 15 minutes.

Speaker 1 I'm doing my psychological or physiological sigh where you go

Speaker 1 to try to activate my parasympathetic, relaxed, calm response. It's starting to work.
I'm thinking, okay,

Speaker 1 just going to have a nice, quiet drive. And all of a sudden, our son calls.
Now it's 8.15 and he's supposed to be sitting in class at high school.

Speaker 1 And so I pick up the phone and I'm like, hey, Oak, what's up? Mom, mom, I don't know what to do. Mom, mom, the Jeep, it just stopped working.

Speaker 1 It just like all of a sudden just stopped working and I don't know what to do.

Speaker 1 Like it's in drive, but it's not going anywhere and the electricity's on and I'm in the middle of the road and oh my God, oh my God. And I'm like, okay.
And now my heart is racing again.

Speaker 1 And I take a deep breath. And now Chris hears this.
So he wakes up and I say, oak, no problem. Take a deep breath.
Are you stopped? Yes, I'm stopped, but I don't want to take my foot off the brake.

Speaker 1 The car's not moving. I don't know what to do.
And now all of a sudden I hear adults talking. He's like, hold on, mom, there's all these adults because he's, of course, right outside of school.

Speaker 1 So I'm driving away from him, of course, because I'm heading an hour and 40 minutes away to a hospital. And I hear other adults going, why don't we disconnect the battery? Why don't we do this?

Speaker 1 Why don't we do that? I realize he's in good hands. He tells me, I'm okay.
I'll call you in a minute. And so I take a deep breath and all of that flood.

Speaker 1 You know how Something happens to somebody you love and you immediately feel guilty for not being there. You immediately feel like somehow you've done something wrong.
Well, this is me.

Speaker 1 That's what happened. I immediately started to feel that way.
Oh my God. You know, the venting is not making me feel better.
I thought it would make me feel better.

Speaker 1 And I'm wondering if it's because I can't hear you responding. So I'm putting my hand on my heart.

Speaker 1 It's okay, Mel. It's okay.

Speaker 1 It's okay.

Speaker 1 So Oak calls back and he says,

Speaker 1 All these cool adults stopped and helped me. We disconnected the battery and we were able to push the car over to the side of the road.

Speaker 1 Can you and dad help? I don't know what to do. And so I said, sure.

Speaker 1 You go to school, take a photo where the Jeep is, and we will get a tow truck. Now, by this point, Chris is awake and he is reclined with a pillow and a blanket in the passenger seat.

Speaker 1 Now I'm driving up Highway 91, and he says, I'll call AAA.

Speaker 1 So Chris gets on the phone.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 1 I don't know if you're like this,

Speaker 1 but I cannot help myself in situations where I'm stressed out.

Speaker 1 I cannot help myself. I start stressing over how Chris is handling the call with AAA.
Tell him that you're going to a colonoscopy. Tell him that Oakley's in school.
Tell him this.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm, and he's just like,

Speaker 1 and I'm thinking, shut up, Melt, shut up, Melt, shut up, Mel. And so I tell myself, 54321, just

Speaker 1 and I'm trying to stay quiet as Chris is managing this call.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 I don't know what is wrong with me. I literally could not help myself.

Speaker 1 He gets to the near end of the call and I go, can you please tell them that you're getting a colonoscopy? Because I'm thinking, they will help you more.

Speaker 1 if they know that you're going to the hospital, so we can't handle this. And then that way they know we're not irresponsible parents.
It is so ridiculous. Chris is a 53-year-old grown-ass man.

Speaker 1 He knows how to handle AAA. And here I cannot help myself.
You know what I have? I have over functioning anxiety.

Speaker 1 That's my issue. See, there are two types of anxiety in the world.
There is over functioning and there is under functioning. Over functioning is when you get into a stressful situation.

Speaker 1 and you become the helper. You cannot stop yourself from being the first responder.
I'll do this, I'll do that, ordering everybody else around. Like you're a nightmare to be around.

Speaker 1 And on one hand, it is a superpower to have over functioning anxiety.

Speaker 1 And on the other hand, it is horrendous to have it because you stomp all over everybody else and everybody else's ability and capacity to handle things. And you think you can do it better.

Speaker 1 And it's not even that you think you can do it better.

Speaker 1 It's that your alarm state in your body when you get stressed out goes into such a five-alarm fire drill that you lose your ability to think rationally.

Speaker 1 And the truth is, Chris is perfectly capable of handling a call with AAA. In fact, he did it just fine.

Speaker 1 And I am capable of shutting up and letting other people help.

Speaker 1 But when you have over functioning anxiety, you trample everyone around you. And you go into this mode where you're like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Speaker 1 And that's not all that was going on, by the way, because Chris hangs up with Triple A and I realize, oh my gosh, it's now 8.30 and I haven't heard from our daughter who has a virtual appointment with a doctor right now.

Speaker 1 And so I then call her and it goes straight to voicemail. And I'm like, oh, she must be on with it.
And so I then call her back straight to voicemail, straight to voicemail.

Speaker 1 And I realize, oh my God, she has slept through this thing. Because when I checked on her before I left, she had an eye mask on and she was kind of warm because she's been sick.

Speaker 1 And shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. She's going to miss her appointment.
Oh, my God. And now the first responder mode goes on.
And then the phone rings. And it's Oakley.
Dad, what do I do?

Speaker 1 I don't know what to do. Is the tow truck? I got to go to school.
What do I do? So now Chris is talking to Oakley.

Speaker 1 And I'm now trying to reach our daughter who is missing her virtual health appointment. I spent literally two hours trying to get this thing set up.
up.

Speaker 1 And then a school administrator beeps in and she starts to tell Chris that she's more than happy to handle the situation.

Speaker 1 So what do you think your friend Mel Robbins does? Oh my God, my heart's racing. I literally start telling Chris how to utilize this amazing school administrator, Mary, who is calling to help.

Speaker 1 And she's going, hey, just, you know, I'm happy to meet the tow truck. Here's my phone number.
What do you want me to do? And Chris starts going, well, here, why don't don't you go get Oakley's phone?

Speaker 1 And when they call Oakley's phone, and I'm like, talking over Chris, no, just have Mary, give it, give, give Mary, tell, tell the tow truck carter to call. And I am an uncontrollable freak.

Speaker 1 And so, as I sit here in the front seat of the pickup truck in a parking lot

Speaker 1 outside of Dartmouth Hitchcock Hospital,

Speaker 1 and I am calming myself down and I'm settling back into my body. And I noticed that in trying

Speaker 1 to take control, I just trampled all over everything.

Speaker 1 So with a little bit of grace and a little bit of compassion, I thought, why don't you and I talk about these two different types of stress response, overfunctioning and underfunctioning.

Speaker 1 You're going to learn the research around why self-awareness is critical and what you can do when you catch yourself in this situation.

Speaker 1 And the reason why you want to catch yourself is because if you're somebody like me who just goes in, I got it, I got it, I got it mode,

Speaker 1 you don't let other people

Speaker 1 rise up and express themselves or rise up and help.

Speaker 1 And you burn out, you stress everybody out, and it's not a good thing. You can help without being

Speaker 1 a freak monster like I was.

Speaker 1 And if you're more like, I don't know what to do, freeze, and you feel helpless, and you wait for somebody else to tell you what to do, and you question yourself, and you start to spiral, that's not great either.

Speaker 1 Because you need to learn how to advocate for yourself, how to step up, how to problem solve when that alarm goes off in your body.

Speaker 1 And that's what we're going to talk about today on the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm going to take a deep breath.

Speaker 1 My heart is no longer pounding.

Speaker 1 And I am going to go find the nearest Starbucks or Duncan donuts. And I'm going to get a yummy cup of coffee and I'm going to get a snack for Chris.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we're going to talk about overfunctioning and underfunctioning anxiety when we come back.

Speaker 1 When our daughter Kendall moved into her first apartment, she called and she's like, mom, I need help. I have no furniture.
I have no clue where to start.

Speaker 1 I live across the country from you, like a five-hour plane ride. What do I do? So we jumped on FaceTime and started scrolling through Ashley.com together.

Speaker 1 We found so many styles that we loved and boom, beautiful couch. Great price point.
And now I don't need to worry about her. I also added an end table, a coffee table, a lamp.

Speaker 2 I mean, if you love the look, you should love the whole look, right?

Speaker 1 Together on Ashley.com, we could build the perfect space and I could give her the support I wanted to when she moved into her place.

Speaker 1 She ended up falling in love with the clean lines and soft fabric of the sofa from the Alyssa Court Collection. I just feel so grateful.
Big shout out to Ashley.com.

Speaker 1 You took what was a stressful situation. into a really incredible experience together.
Visit your local Ashley store or head to Ashley.com to find your style.

Speaker 1 Today's show is brought to you by Apple Watch. You've heard me say this before on the Mel Robbins podcast.
If you want to improve something, you got to track it.

Speaker 1 So if you're not sleeping well, tracking it is going to help you get better quality sleep. But how do you track your sleep? Apple knows the Apple Watch Series 11 gives you real insight.

Speaker 1 With the sleep score, you'll learn about your sleep duration, bedtime consistency, how often you're waking up, and how much time you're spending in each sleep stage.

Speaker 1 Quality sleep no longer feels vague and frustrating because the Apple Watch Series 11 makes it clear, trackable, and fixable.

Speaker 1 The sleep score in Apple Watch helps you better understand your sleep routine and how to make it more restorative. Because the moment you understand your sleep, you can start improving it.

Speaker 1 Apple Watch takes you from not knowing to knowing. Find out more at apple.com/slash Apple Watch Series 11.
iPhone 11 or later required. The Mel Robbins podcast is brought to you by Sheridan.

Speaker 1 You know what's the most overlooked hotel amenity? The lobby. Usually, it's just where you check in and check out, but that's all changed with Sheridan's lobbies.

Speaker 1 Redesigned as a place to work, relax, recharge. The community table doubles as your co-working space by day, your team's hangout spot at night.
Need quiet? Duck into a soundproof booth.

Speaker 1 With co-workers, reserve a tech-enabled studio space. And the all-day cafe, and more by Sheridan, fuels you for all of it.
Sheridan, Sheridan, the world's gathering place, part of Marriott Bonvoy.

Speaker 1 Booked now via Sheridan.com. As a listener of the Mel Robbins podcast, I already know something about you.
You love learning. That's why I want to tell you about our sponsor, Masterclass.

Speaker 1 Masterclass is an online platform that has over 200 video courses taught by world-class leaders, experts, writers, chefs, and more.

Speaker 1 For as low as $10 a month, you can get unlimited access to every lesson, anytime, and accessible on your phone, your laptop, TV, and even audio only, making it the perfect companion if you're on the go or traveling for the holidays.

Speaker 1 I gifted a Masterclass subscription to my friend. She loves it.
She started taking cooking classes from Gordon Ramsey, and it's now become our favorite thing to talk about when we catch up.

Speaker 1 It's the gift that keeps inspiring your loved ones long after the wrapping paper is gone. Masterclass always has great offers during the holidays, sometimes up to as much as 50% off.

Speaker 1 Head over to masterclass.com/slash Mel Robbins for the current offer. That's up to 50% off at masterclass.com slash Mel Robbins.
Masterclass.com slash Mel Robbins.

Speaker 1 Christopher Robbins,

Speaker 1 your chariot awaits.

Speaker 1 Hi. Thank you, Grandma.
Second of you. Hi, Hansome.

Speaker 1 You're walking just fine after that.

Speaker 1 Fixed me.

Speaker 1 Have a good day, guys. Thanks, Yeron.

Speaker 1 Hi, baby.

Speaker 1 How you feeling?

Speaker 1 That's all your food. I would also love to talk to you about

Speaker 1 what a bulldozing stress freak I was this morning. Okay.

Speaker 1 Did you experience that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, a little bit, but

Speaker 2 I was more

Speaker 2 aware of just...

Speaker 2 Your ADHD or whatever you were doing. You were distracted by something.

Speaker 1 Well, I was freaked out when Oakley called.

Speaker 2 You mean while we were driving over here?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 You were your typical stressed-out self. So, why don't you just take a drive home and deal with it when we get home?

Speaker 1 All right, you'll talk to me about it when we get home.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay, cool.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 1 it is several hours after all of that that you just heard, and I am now upstairs above the garage in our house in southern Vermont. Chris has taken his nap and the anesthesia has worn off.

Speaker 1 I don't know how much of this morning he's going to remember, but I have invited him to come up here.

Speaker 1 And as Chris and I start to unpack it, one of the things that's important to know is that your response to stress right now, it's automatic.

Speaker 1 And under functioning versus over functioning, it's not good or bad. Neither one is the one that you want.
What the goal is today is for you to become aware of which one is your default.

Speaker 1 Because when you become aware of how stress or anxiety or overwhelm or emergencies trigger an automatic response in you,

Speaker 1 you can then become more compassionate with yourself and you can also start to change it. And that's where the power is.

Speaker 1 Here he comes.

Speaker 1 Hey, so how was your nap? I know you

Speaker 1 slept off the procedure.

Speaker 2 I was good. Awesome.

Speaker 1 Thank you for agreeing to come up here and unpack this with me.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 1 I would love to ask you: what is it like

Speaker 1 when I become

Speaker 1 like a tornado in those stressful situations.

Speaker 2 It's tough. I mean, sometimes it's frenetic, tornado-like behavior, but often you become kind of just a bulldozer and

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 2 all about

Speaker 2 your opinion or your angle or your solution.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 nobody ever likes to feel like they're getting steamrolled over.

Speaker 1 Is that how you felt when you were on the phone with Triple-A and the tow truck company? And

Speaker 1 I'm like going, give it to Mary. Don't do the thing with Oakley.
Like, what was that like for you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's precisely when you say tornado, that's what I was thinking of was that particular incident.

Speaker 2 It's always a little tough when you're on the phone with somebody and somebody outside of you is barking orders at what to do or say because first of all you can only hear out of one ear and

Speaker 2 secondly you're also trying to process what the other person on the phone is saying so you got a lot of input and when the external input like from you which was

Speaker 2 do this do that you know thinking 10 steps ahead

Speaker 2 while coming from the right place and wanting to be helpful,

Speaker 2 it's not helpful. It's

Speaker 2 sort of destructive to the conversation a little bit, or at least the attempt in this case that I was making to solve the problem.

Speaker 2 Now, that's not to say your input's not valuable, but probably the way in which

Speaker 2 you and I could both go about capturing that input,

Speaker 2 we could probably be better at.

Speaker 1 Definitely.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 1 let's just talk about that moment that Oakley called

Speaker 1 because he called

Speaker 1 and he tried you first.

Speaker 1 And then, and because you were sleeping on the way to the hospital for your colonoscopy, he then called me because you didn't pick up. And he was in the middle of

Speaker 1 the road and the car had stopped driving and he sounded panicked. And

Speaker 1 I immediately, in that moment, felt overwhelmed and anxious and worried about him. And so, like, there was of a zero to 10, there was like an alarm ringing inside me that felt like an eight.

Speaker 1 And my mind started racing.

Speaker 1 Zero to 10, how stressful of an alarm was it for you? And what happens in your mind when something like that happens?

Speaker 2 I would say I was probably a three or a four.

Speaker 2 Maybe skewing more towards the three because we had Oakley on the phone.

Speaker 2 He was not overly frantic in his own communication, but he was clearly going through a first-time experience of having a car break down and being on the road or the side of the road.

Speaker 2 I don't think either of us asked him, are you safe? Which would have been a good first

Speaker 2 question.

Speaker 1 We asked him if he was okay. He said, Yeah, I'm okay.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, I think it's important to note that that small situation for you registered is a three, but for me, it's an eight. So already our insides feel totally different.

Speaker 1 And when a situation like that happens for you, what happens in your brain, because it's very clear that what happens for me is I'm 25 steps ahead the second the alarm rings.

Speaker 2 Right. Therein lies part of the good and the challenge of it is that it's great to have somebody

Speaker 2 on the team who's thinking 20 steps ahead, but not if all the information hasn't been gathered yet. And

Speaker 2 where at least I was in that very acute moment was trying to collect

Speaker 2 the information. And I was collecting it from Oakley and then I was collecting it from Mary.

Speaker 1 The school administrator.

Speaker 2 Who we still need to get flowers for.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And the tow company. And the tow company.
And AAA.

Speaker 2 And AAA.

Speaker 2 And I was on the way to the hospital myself.

Speaker 1 Well, this is a really important thing to distinguish because I go into

Speaker 1 hyperdrive as an over functioner and I

Speaker 1 skip the information gathering or I get just what I think I need and I am already 25 steps ahead problem solving, problem solving, problem solving, problem solving. Whereas you slow things down

Speaker 1 and you go into

Speaker 1 researchers call it under functioning, but you go into a mode of slowing things down to process process and collect information so that you can make decisions. This is all from Harriet Lerner.

Speaker 1 She is one of the most respected and cited psychologists of our time.

Speaker 1 Under and over functioning, these are terms that she first coined as a way to describe the way people respond to stress and how it impacts their ability to function in those situations.

Speaker 1 Harriet Lerner has this phrase that I love because, again, we want you to get out of the trap

Speaker 1 where you do this on automatic. I could feel myself wanting to talk over Chris when the call came in.
And I'm like, shut up, Mel, shut up, Mel, shut up, Mel, shut up, Mel.

Speaker 2 Right. Where I get

Speaker 2 or I perceive judgment from you. particularly in a situation like this where you're barking and do this and do that.

Speaker 2 It's that there is an unspoken assumption that I am not in problem-solving mode. And that is not at all accurate.

Speaker 2 That while I may be slower to jump to the decision, or you might feel like I'm being too methodical in my information collecting, I'm always thinking about a solution every step of the way.

Speaker 1 I will take responsibility for the fact that that is true. And actually, the research bears this out.
Harriet Lerner found that

Speaker 2 over

Speaker 1 functioners like me who prioritize action, action, action, action, action, and fast, fast, fast, fast, fast. And I got it.

Speaker 1 And the way I'm going to do it's right because my anxiety is driving the problem solving.

Speaker 1 That when we are in a relationship with somebody who is in the slower fact gathering processing under functioning role,

Speaker 1 resentment builds up because we feel the pressure to carry the alarm. We think that

Speaker 1 the actions have to match the height of the alarm we feel inside.

Speaker 1 And the slow, methodical processing nature of stopping to gather facts

Speaker 1 does make it seem to somebody like me that this doesn't matter to you or it's not as important to you. And I'm just, I'm just saying, you're right.

Speaker 1 And so you feeling the anger or whatever, it is in me because there's a part of me that's like, why is he not matching the intensity? Like, this is important.

Speaker 1 And then I get mad because I feel like I'm all alone and thinking that this is a problem. And why aren't you like hyping up? And, oh my God, and you know, but they move the car, Chris.

Speaker 1 So why didn't you tell the tow company that the car's not in the place that you told him it was? Like, I get blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm, and it's all, honey, driven by an instinctual reaction. You and I have been trapped in a dynamic since we've met each other.
So that's 29 years.

Speaker 2 I guess it keeps getting

Speaker 2 more.

Speaker 1 Where I do this,

Speaker 1 I trample all over you when the alarm inside me rings. When the alarm inside you rings, you go in and you start to process.

Speaker 1 And you feel

Speaker 1 really not supported by me. And I feel mad at you.

Speaker 1 And it creates this dynamic where you just assume Mel's going to do anything anyway. So why bother?

Speaker 1 And it leaves you no room

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 really take the lead or to even problem solve in your own way because my

Speaker 1 over functioning has fucking trampled you. And I don't, I don't like this in me.
I'm not saying I want you to be more like me. Dear God, no.

Speaker 1 But this is something that everybody has either they see themselves in you, Chris,

Speaker 1 or they see themselves in me.

Speaker 1 So what do you wish?

Speaker 2 Well, a couple things about that, though. What's interesting is that the resentment cuts both ways.

Speaker 2 You know, you, you might resent me for not

Speaker 2 fighting fire with fire or responding how you would.

Speaker 2 But when I feel bulldozed or that you're not giving me the space to do what I am equally as committed to doing as you are, which is solving the problem, then I feel bullied, mistrusted,

Speaker 2 you know, like that I am not good enough in the approach that I'm taking. So the resentment does cut both ways, but the anxiety piece, I guess after 29 years, there is a

Speaker 2 fortunately, I don't cut you out altogether, but I take your anxious state with a grain of salt

Speaker 2 and I allow it to be anxious and there,

Speaker 2 but I'm way better at

Speaker 2 having it

Speaker 2 throw me off.

Speaker 1 So you've been able to put up a force field.

Speaker 2 A little bit.

Speaker 1 You know, Chris, sometimes I wish I could put up a force field and protect myself from myself.

Speaker 2 You are a saint.

Speaker 1 Harriet Lerner does have some direction for us, though. She says that you need to learn how to hang in.

Speaker 1 And what that means is that when you're hanging in with the other person during a stressful situation, it means stop yourself from doing what you normally do.

Speaker 1 So her guidance is, if you're like me, hanging in means, Mel, hold your tongue. So for anybody that is an overfunctioner in stressful situations, say 50% less than you would normally do.

Speaker 1 And Chris, her guidance for you

Speaker 1 is that

Speaker 1 when stress hits, hanging in means as you catch yourself slowing down and you feel yourself kind of going quiet as you're processing,

Speaker 1 hanging in means don't leave me.

Speaker 1 Make sure that you start talking more and telling me that you're processing because otherwise that silent processing,

Speaker 1 it creates anger inside of me because

Speaker 1 anybody that's an overfunctioner in your silence, you start to feel abandoned, like you don't care about what's going on.

Speaker 2 Right. I perceive judgment from you.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you do perceive that judgment, and I'm sorry about that. Why don't we just take a quick break right now so that we can have everybody hear a word from our sponsors?

Speaker 1 And then when we come back, here's what I'd love to do.

Speaker 1 I would love to figure out, not only using the research, but also just working together as a couple, how can we support one another better through these stressful moments?

Speaker 2 We'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Here's something to remember. Pay attention to how people make you feel.
Dating isn't just about the surface details we sometimes get caught up on.

Speaker 1 What matters most is whether being with someone helps you feel grounded and fully yourself. That kind of alignment is what leads to lasting relationships.

Speaker 1 Bumble is designed to help you find connections that feel in tune with who you are, with tools like thoughtful prompts and shared interests that highlight what really matters to someone, and verified profiles that give you peace of mind.

Speaker 1 When you stay aligned with yourself, dating feels less like a struggle and more like an opportunity. Bumble can help you put that into practice.

Speaker 1 You know, so many members of the team here at the Mel Robbins podcast have people in their lives who not only found meaningful connections on Bumble, they found the one.

Speaker 1 I mean, mean, one of our producer's friends named Hannah was using Bumble BFF and she loved meeting friends on it so much she thought, wait, I should be using Bumble for dating too.

Speaker 1 Not long after, she matched with Declan. They met up for a first date and they realized quickly that they were not only aligned, they were a perfect match.

Speaker 1 And just as easily as Bumble helped Hannah meet new friends, it connected her with the person she eventually married. Download Bumble and find your meaningful connection today.

Speaker 1 How about we say hello to the all-new Alexa Plus, the shortcut that makes your life feel so much smoother? Need last-minute concert tickets? Craven your favorite restaurant takeout?

Speaker 1 Alexa Plus remembers what you love and makes it all happen. You don't need to type, dig through apps, or repeat yourself.
Alexa Plus has got it.

Speaker 1 Alexa Plus works with Echo, Fire TV, or any compatible device and brings more of what you love to you right now. Ready whenever inspiration strikes.
Amazon.com slash new alexa.

Speaker 1 Introducing your new Dell PC with the Intel Core Ultra Processor. It helps you handle a lot, even when your holiday to-do list gets to be a lot.

Speaker 1 Like organizing your holiday shopping and searching for great holiday deals and customer questions and customers requesting custom things, plus planning the perfect holiday dinner for vegans, vegetarians, pescatarians, and Uncle Mike's carnivore diet.

Speaker 1 Luckily, you can get a PC with all-day battery life to help you you get it all done. That's the power of a Dell PC with Intel Inside backed by Dell's Price Match Guarantee.

Speaker 1 Get yours today at dell.com/slash holiday. Terms and conditions apply.
See Dell.com for details.

Speaker 1 Welcome back. It's Mel Robbins, and I got my husband Chris here.
And we're talking about what you do when you get stressed out.

Speaker 1 As the famous psychologist, best-selling author, and researcher Harriet Lerner says, you are either an overfunctioner when you get stressed out or you underfunction when you get stressed.

Speaker 1 And so Chris and I have been talking about this. And Chris, I have a question for you.
What do you wish I would do in these situations? I'm going to try to hang in, but I'd love to hear from you.

Speaker 1 What would that look like? Like, how could I show up differently?

Speaker 2 Well, I think that

Speaker 2 with respect to the anxiety or the nervousness about it,

Speaker 2 to the extent we're not dealing with a life-threatening issue, we could probably be better about getting to the root of what the fear

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 source of anxiety is for you.

Speaker 2 If we had as much wherewithal to stop and have that conversation like, okay,

Speaker 2 what is triggering the anxiousness? What's the worry? You know what I'm saying? Like, slow down the,

Speaker 2 which,

Speaker 2 with all due respect, I have little hope for us being able to slow down that conversation because you're 20 steps ahead wanting to solve the problem and be crazy about it.

Speaker 1 This is why I wanted to talk about this with everybody because every one of us has an automatic subconscious response to a stressful situation.

Speaker 1 And there is no doubt in my mind that you literally go silent and you process.

Speaker 1 And I hear you. You are problem solving and you are reacting in your own way.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 my automatic response is to move into hyper speed action because it simulates this feeling that I am taking control of a situation that has triggered me to feel out of control.

Speaker 1 And One of the things that you could do if I start barking over you is if you were to just turn to me and go, what are you afraid of right now? Or actually, what's scaring you, Mel?

Speaker 1 Because that would hit me at a more emotional level and it would allow me to feel like you're recognizing that I'm not being a bitchy bulldozer, but there's something that actually is scaring me.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that would be the root cause. One thing that would help me respect you is if you would call me out.

Speaker 2 Well, by asking the question, what are you fearful of, you are being called out a little bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, in a kind way. What are you scared of, Mel? I would have said, I'm scared that he's alone.
I'm scared that,

Speaker 1 you know, something bad's going to happen. I'm scared that we're not there.
I'm scared that he's got to figure this out on his own and he's going to feel anxious and feel abandoned by us.

Speaker 1 I'm scared of all these big things that aren't really an issue. The kid has a car that broke down four blocks from the high school.

Speaker 1 Like, we're okay here, Mel, but there are bigger things driving this for me. So if you ask me, Mel, what are you scared of right now? It would help me at that.

Speaker 2 But then would you expect us to just

Speaker 2 set aside all of your

Speaker 2 spoken fears and redirect attention toward a solution that may not address your fears? Or should we actually

Speaker 2 take those fears and say okay well what we're gonna do right now with Oakley is make sure that we're accounting for you you know what's cute is you're even processing what I just said now

Speaker 1 like you're problem solving and parsing so you're even seeing this you guys in real time. Like Chris is seeking to understand.
He's gathering information.

Speaker 1 If you asked me that question, what are you scared of right now, Mel?

Speaker 1 It would have me turn toward the source and realize, okay, this is an irrational fear given the circumstances. Handle the call.
Just make sure you tell them that you move the car.

Speaker 2 Bark, bark, bark. Bark, bark, bark.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what would help me. I think what would help me is if we're in that situation, if you were to just be like, I need a sec, I'm processing.
Or I need a sec.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking about how to solve this problem.

Speaker 2 So shut the fuck up doesn't work?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 1 you'd have to add in, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to solve the problem and I can't with you fucking barking at me.
That's probably not as kind as, what are you scared of, honey?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And give me a second. I'm processing.
I'll handle it. And that would help me do what I need to do, which is speak 75% less.

Speaker 2 Right. And not to digress, but part of the challenge that both you and I have have as parents in situations like this with our own kids is that they do

Speaker 2 often get excellent counsel and problem solving from you real time, fast.

Speaker 2 And so it is a bit of a natural tendency of theirs to come to you for that.

Speaker 1 It's true. Our kids come to you to talk.

Speaker 2 And I admire that.

Speaker 2 For an emergency. I admire that about you,

Speaker 2 the 20 steps ahead, because there's some value and power in that. But I think that

Speaker 2 in situations where it just completely eviscerates the contribution I could bring to the table, then that's no good.

Speaker 2 I think that there is a happy medium

Speaker 2 that we could always improve upon and be more team-oriented versus my opinion is a better one than yours.

Speaker 1 Our ability to function, Chris, based on the research comes down to your ability to make decisions, your ability to act on those decisions,

Speaker 1 and the ability to handle emotion.

Speaker 1 So if you put yourself in a situation

Speaker 2 where

Speaker 1 there is a real emergency,

Speaker 1 how does

Speaker 1 stress hit your brain? Like, do you go numb?

Speaker 1 Does everything slow down?

Speaker 2 I don't know

Speaker 2 slowdown, but a narrowing of focus majorly and a little bit of numbness.

Speaker 1 Can you think of a time, Chris, 0 to 10, when that alarm inside you was going off? You were stressed and overwhelmed and you kind of went into this mode of processing.

Speaker 2 Yes,

Speaker 2 I would say recently with our daughter Sawyer and the trip that she took to Mass General and spent the day in the ER and getting all those tests and we were in Vermont not really knowing what was going on or getting thirdhand information or being stonewalled by our daughter

Speaker 2 about not coming down.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 interestingly enough, that was another scenario with the two of us where you were

Speaker 2 pretty hyped up and I got to do this, I got to do that. and in this very

Speaker 2 expressive,

Speaker 2 frantic mode.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 what I'm picking up on is that

Speaker 2 that day,

Speaker 2 it was heightened for me too.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 what I'm seeing in this conversation is that I was responding

Speaker 2 all day, day,

Speaker 2 but a lot of it was internal.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you label that as me, quote, processing. So there's actually a judgment inside of that, at least I feel,

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 while it doesn't on the outside look as though I'm 20 steps ahead with all gazillion types of solutions,

Speaker 2 you and I are still very much aligned in the sense that we are in the midst of it.

Speaker 2 Like we were both feeling that whatever, heightened 8, 9, 10, 11, however you want to respond to it, about the situation, we were going about it in different ways.

Speaker 1 Well, the situation, just to bring everybody in the loop, is our daughter had been sick for like two weeks with weird symptoms, just odd symptoms.

Speaker 1 And so she goes to a clinic on Friday in Boston, and they do a bunch of tests and then send her to to the ER at Mass General.

Speaker 1 And we learn about this at about 10 o'clock in the morning, and my immediate reaction was, I got to go down. And our daughter is like you.

Speaker 1 She narrows her focus.

Speaker 1 She said, nope, I'm good. They're just running some tests.
A roommate of mine is going to go with me. I'm a little nervous, but it's fine.
I'll call you if I need you.

Speaker 1 Now, we live three and a half hours away. And I was ready to get in a car.

Speaker 1 And I said to Chris, I'm going to get in a a car. And he's like, oh, I just talked to her.
And she said, she's okay.

Speaker 1 And so I didn't get the feeling from you that you were nervous at all. And all day long, I was saying, I really need to go.
I think I should go. I think I should go.
I should go down. And

Speaker 1 Sawyer, at every turn, was like, it's okay. It's okay.
And then finally, at about three o'clock, when she said, They've just pulled 23 vials of blood,

Speaker 2 my heart sank.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I got in the car and I went down and I got there. And with your support,

Speaker 1 and you, I have to say, said, I got to stay here because we have two dogs.

Speaker 1 And part of me was even like, fuck the dogs. We'll get somebody to come over.
This is our kid. Like, we got to go.

Speaker 1 And I'm learning a couple of things in this conversation that's super helpful.

Speaker 1 Seriously.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's hear it.

Speaker 1 As I'm

Speaker 1 getting triggered

Speaker 1 to over function

Speaker 1 and I'm scurrying around and I'm emitting all this nervous energy and I'm calling this person and calling that person and calling this person and calling that person and what should I do?

Speaker 1 And I'm going to go. And then she says,

Speaker 1 I never stopped myself in that busyness

Speaker 1 to go, what do I need to do?

Speaker 1 Like, forget about what Sawyer's saying. Forget about what Chris is doing.
What do I need to to do for me?

Speaker 1 And the fact is, I learned a really important lesson. You do not ask somebody if they want you there.
If you feel called to just show up, get in the fucking car and go.

Speaker 1 And that is the lesson that I have learned from that. Because it

Speaker 1 was all of a sudden serious.

Speaker 1 And I could have been there then, but I didn't listen to myself in the beginning because I was so busy being triggered that I didn't actually get quiet to go, well, what in my heart tells me is what I need to do, even if she's walking out of the hospital by the time I get there.

Speaker 2 But that's, you know, that also points back to the question and the benefit of asking that question. What are you triggered by? What are you afraid of?

Speaker 2 Because had we had that conversation, you would have arrived at this decision about what you needed. And you would have gotten in the car sooner than you already did.

Speaker 1 I would have gotten in at 10 o'clock in the morning, and I'll I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 If you had asked me, what are you scared of?

Speaker 1 I would have said, I'm scared that she's going through something scary alone.

Speaker 1 And I would have talked about a memory that I had

Speaker 1 when our son Oakley was six days old and he was rushed for life-saving surgery to Mass General. the same hospital.

Speaker 1 And we were told to go get our things and to prepare ourselves because he might not make it to the hospital.

Speaker 1 And to pack our bags, because if he did make it, we were going to be there for a while.

Speaker 1 And when we walked into Mass General, into the NICU, and the door swung open, Robin Houck and Lisa Schwartz were standing there.

Speaker 1 They had heard what was going on.

Speaker 1 They were two of our closest friends. And Robin and Lisa just showed up

Speaker 1 because they had had kids in the NICU

Speaker 1 and they knew how scary it was.

Speaker 1 And they knew that we wouldn't know how to ask for help, that we just needed somebody there. And they showed up.
And I will always love them for that.

Speaker 1 And I will never forget what it felt like to see two people there for us.

Speaker 1 And so I would have said,

Speaker 1 I'm scared that she's going to be in that hospital and be alone.

Speaker 1 And she was for 11 hours.

Speaker 1 And she learned a lot too about her under functioning and not pushing people away and asking for help. So it was a huge revelation.
But I think that question is more powerful than I realize.

Speaker 1 What are you scared of?

Speaker 1 And for me, I'm learning that I need to stop myself. I need to stop talking.
I need to drop into my body.

Speaker 1 And I need to work with you to help you unpack what I need to do for me in that moment.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would agree with all of that, except for the stop talking. I think just talking in an organized,

Speaker 2 less tornado-like fashion is maybe more like it.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm kind of afraid if I open my mouth at all, it'll come out like a tornado.

Speaker 1 One more thing. What if I were to call you the trip leader? Because this is something else I would recommend people do.
One of the things that has come up in our therapy with Dr.

Speaker 1 Cooper that has really helped our relationship in terms of identifying these dynamics where we're not in balance or we're kind of in our separate corners is he asked me once

Speaker 1 to describe an experience where you were in complete control and I felt totally safe and taken care of.

Speaker 1 And I said, oh, every camping trip we go on, every hiking experience, fly fishing, we're up in the mountains, we're in the middle of nowhere. Chris Robbins is my trip leader.

Speaker 1 I don't even think about anything. The man has it handled.
I am never anxious. I am never worried.
He is in charge. I will follow this guy anywhere.

Speaker 1 And that has become my little nickname for you, my trip leader.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 instead of me.

Speaker 2 Not my trip leader. The trip leader.
Whoa,

Speaker 2 the trip leader. has arrived, people.

Speaker 1 Well, you're kind of my trip leader.

Speaker 1 I mean, I like to think of you as my trip leader, but you are the trip leader, especially when you're leading your retreats for soul degree, for all those awesome guys that go on your retreats.

Speaker 2 I'm sort of making a little bit of a joke that, you know.

Speaker 1 So would you rather me call out that I need the trip leader right now?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I think we should try that for sure

Speaker 2 and see if it shifts something. Because the interesting thing about what you say about like feeling taken care of when we go, you know, fishing or camping or something is

Speaker 2 that

Speaker 2 once again,

Speaker 2 I am

Speaker 2 always

Speaker 2 20 steps ahead. Like I often feel like I am in real life too, but I'm doing it in a way that is not

Speaker 2 there. There's not nearly as much outward expression in that solution mindedness and thinking, okay, what's coming next and

Speaker 2 how do we account for that? And so

Speaker 2 by way of maybe using that term trip leader,

Speaker 2 it would even be a reminder to me to

Speaker 2 work

Speaker 2 us both into a more thoughtful kind of like, all right, what's going on here? What's triggering the yangst? Let's get to the root of that first.

Speaker 2 That might be a helpful nudge.

Speaker 1 There's one final thing I wanted to say because I know you have some things you need to do this afternoon. I'm also getting how it really sucks that you're not getting credit for the amount of

Speaker 1 hard thinking and problem solving and worrying that you are doing. I'm sorry for that.

Speaker 2 Thanks for saying that.

Speaker 2 I hadn't really spent much time thinking about that, but I think you're actually right. So I accept your apology.
Thank you. I love you.

Speaker 2 I love you too. Oh.

Speaker 1 And And speaking of love, I want to be sure in case nobody else tells you today, whether you're an underfunctioner or you're an overfunctioner, I love you.

Speaker 1 I love you and I believe in your ability to catch yourself, to hang in as Harriet Lerner has advised us, to ask for what support you need from the people around you, and to use everything you just learned today.

Speaker 1 to create a better life.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 Hope nothing stressful happens in the next couple couple days, but now you know how to handle it. I'll talk to you in a few days.

Speaker 1 Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

Speaker 1 It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified qualified professional.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

Speaker 4 At Capella University, learning online doesn't mean learning alone.

Speaker 4 You'll get support from people who care about your success, like your enrollment specialist who gets to know you and the goals you'd like to achieve.

Speaker 4 You'll also get a designated academic coach who's with you throughout your entire program. Plus, career coaches are available to help you navigate your professional goals.

Speaker 4 A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn more at capella.edu.

Speaker 3 Did you know 39% of teen drivers admit to texting while driving? Even scarier, those who text are more likely to speed and run red lights. Shockingly, 94% know it's dangerous, but do it anyway.

Speaker 3 As a parent, you can't always be in the car, but you can stay connected to their safety with Greenlight Infinity's driving reports.

Speaker 3 Monitor their driving habits, see if they're using their phone, speeding, and more. These reports provide real data for meaningful conversations about safety.

Speaker 3 Plus, with weekly updates, you can track their progress over time. Help keep your team safe.
Sign up for Greenlight Infinity at greenlight.com/slash podcast.