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Speaker 1 Hey, it's Mel, and welcome

Speaker 1 to an absolutely incredible. Like, this is going to be an amazing episode.
I can feel it of the Mel Robbins podcast. Let's do this thing.

Speaker 1 Okay, I got to take a breath. I got to take a breath because this is one of those episodes that I

Speaker 1 love,

Speaker 1 but they're also nerve-wracking because it's something that's unfolding in real time.

Speaker 1 But I just know I need to talk about this and I know you need to hear it because this is what's showing up. And so we're going to go for it.
So I'm just going to take a deep breath.

Speaker 1 First,

Speaker 1 whether you've been a fan of the show for a long time, or this is the very first episode that you are listening to, I just wanted to say I am so glad that you're here. My name is Mel Robbins.

Speaker 1 I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most trusted experts in the world on behavior change and mindset.

Speaker 1 And in fact, we're in a month-long series right now about the foundations of creating a better life.

Speaker 1 So I've been covering the research around goal setting, habits, mindset, anxiety, healing, trauma, success, and confidence.

Speaker 1 And a couple days ago, I released an episode about the science of goal setting. And if you haven't listened to it yet, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1 You can listen to it right after this one because all of these episodes, they work together and they also stand alone. But what happened is that there was this avalanche of questions that came in.

Speaker 1 And so I walked into the office yesterday and I had planned on following up on all the questions and jumping into the science of habits, which are the topics for the next two episodes on the podcast.

Speaker 1 We've been researching it like crazy. I was going to talk all about how you break habits, how you make habits.
And I sat down. And I mean, we've we've been researching this for weeks.

Speaker 1 And I've been teaching this topic of the science of habits for years and years and years. I write about it, but I got behind the mic and I just froze.

Speaker 1 I felt this wave

Speaker 1 of emotion hit me. It was this like really,

Speaker 1 oh my God, this like uncomfortable feeling rise up. And my mind went blank.

Speaker 1 And when I tell you, I know the science of habits like the back of my hand, I mean, I could talk your ear off at a dinner party about the science of habits and cite all the studies and explain all the steps.

Speaker 1 And here I was yesterday behind the mic and my mind went blank.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I just felt off. Something was off.

Speaker 1 And I even started to cry.

Speaker 1 And I know why.

Speaker 1 I had a really lousy ending to 2022, and it came out of nowhere.

Speaker 1 I had been working for a long time on all of these incredible plans that were going to happen the first week of January and just everything went completely sideways.

Speaker 1 And so now it's the beginning of the year and it doesn't feel exciting and it doesn't feel like I've got a clean slate. Honestly, it feels like piles of shit all over the place.

Speaker 1 And if you want to know the formula for feeling unhappy, here's what it is. Your expectations for how things should be right now don't match the reality of how things are.

Speaker 1 I don't know if anybody else is feeling this way right now. Doesn't feel like the normal, woohoo, it's a new year.

Speaker 1 And look, I know all about what researchers call the fresh start effect, how you get this clean slate the moment that the clock strikes midnight on January 1st or the moment you close your eyes and you blow out the birthday candles.

Speaker 1 But the fact is, I'm not feeling the fresh effect right now. I'm feeling the, I feel kind of fucked effect right now.
That's how I'm feeling.

Speaker 1 And it may strike you as odd to hear that, you know, somebody as inspiring and motivational as Mel Robbins is going to say, I could honestly give a shit about the new year, new you at this moment because I've got piles of shit surrounding me that I need to shovel and clean up from last year.

Speaker 1 And I honestly thought I was fine. I thought that, okay, all this stuff had happened.
I'd push it in the rearview mirror. I'm starting January 1, clean slate.

Speaker 1 I also committed to doing this crazy challenge called 75 Hard with my husband and our daughter and her boyfriend and my brother and a bunch of other amazing people. And I've been plugging away at it.

Speaker 1 And what is 75 hard? Because I know you're thinking it means you're not going to drink for 75 days.

Speaker 1 That's going to be kind of hard for me. It's not like I drink every day, but I have not gone 75 days without drinking since I was 16 years old.

Speaker 1 You also have to drink a gallon of water every day, which is not the easiest thing to do when you've had bladder surgery. You also have to exercise twice a day.

Speaker 1 No gluten, no gluten for 75 days. I haven't gone five days without gluten.
And so I've taken this challenge on and I've been really excited about it.

Speaker 1 And I thought, okay, Mel, you're moving, you're grooving, you've got these goals, you're taking the steps to achieve them, you're feeling excited, you've got your why, you've got your will, your way, your how, all the stuff we talked about in the last episode.

Speaker 1 And then boom, I woke up yesterday morning and I got triggered.

Speaker 1 That's what happened. And I bet you're also not feeling the new year, new you thing either.
No one in my house is feeling it this year.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's the crappy weather here in southern Vermont where it's been raining instead of snowing. I don't know if it's just that it's been kind of a hard couple years.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the hell is going on. All I know is I had my head down and I was plugging away and I was really proud of myself.
I'm in day four of 75 hard and I am kicking ass and taking names.

Speaker 1 And I woke up this morning, and you will not believe what triggered me. Do you want to take a guess? What sent me spiraling?

Speaker 1 My holiday cards.

Speaker 1 I woke up this morning

Speaker 1 and the alarm goes off.

Speaker 1 And my alarm is one of those alarms that mimics the sunrise. So the sun is rising in my room.
And I even have a bird sound now that I know the research that we covered a couple episodes ago.

Speaker 1 And so the birds are chirping.

Speaker 1 And the first thing that I saw on my nightside stand was a stack of 200 holiday cards.

Speaker 1 Now, I should be proud of myself because it's been three years since our family has been able to agree on a photo and upload it to a website and get the holiday cards printed in time to mail them out.

Speaker 1 Three years. So you would think seeing this stack of holiday cards would make me feel proud.
No.

Speaker 1 I saw them. They're still wrapped in plastic wrap.
I have not even opened them up.

Speaker 1 And I see them and I'm like, what the hell, Mel?

Speaker 1 You have had those things sitting there since the beginning of December and you can't seem to get your shit together to get them in the mail. Come on, woman.

Speaker 1 How the heck can you possibly get behind a microphone and teach people about the power of habits and the science of habits when you can't even follow through on the freaking Christmas cards that are sitting on your, on your desk?

Speaker 1 And there, that was my trigger right there. The wave of the emotion went flying through my body body and I had an experience that you will have

Speaker 1 when you try to change anything in your life, when you try to become healthier, when you try to become more organized, when you're playing a bigger game, when you're trying to learn new habits, when you set big goals.

Speaker 1 At some point,

Speaker 1 it's going to become too much.

Speaker 1 Some little piddly weird ass thing like your Christmas cards is going to send you spiraling and you're going to have something that I call the fuck it moment.

Speaker 1 That little thing triggers a wave of uncomfortable emotion and you say, fuck it.

Speaker 1 Happy fucking new year. I'm not doing it this year.

Speaker 1 And let me tell you, one small fuck it moment like that can spiral into a big ass fuck it moment because I first saw those cars and I'm like, fuck it. I am never going to get my shit together.

Speaker 1 And then I go into the bathroom and I'm like, oh my God, my ADHD medication, it is completely out.

Speaker 1 I just let the prescription run dry. How the hell am I going to get through this day? Fuck it.
And then I'm like, well, I know what I could do. I could throw those cards in the trash can.
Fuck it.

Speaker 1 I'm not doing it. How could I possibly talk about the science of habits to you? When my house looks like this, my Christmas cards are not mailed, and I

Speaker 1 feel.

Speaker 1 like I am surrounded by a ton of shit that I still need to deal with from last year.

Speaker 1 Two days ago, change seems easy. Two days ago, I'm like, huh, 75 hard? This is 75 easy for me.

Speaker 1 And then I woke up and I'm like, I can't do this. And it's going to happen to you.
And I felt an obligation

Speaker 1 to talk about this because we're doing this series all month long. I mean, this show is about creating a better life.

Speaker 1 And part of creating a better life is having moments that you're going to have to navigate where you get triggered by something stupid or something profound and all these emotions come up and you say, fuck it.

Speaker 1 And I do not want you to give up in those moments. I do not want you to throw in the towel or throw out the Christmas cards or say, I can't do it.
I mean, that's what I did yesterday.

Speaker 1 I felt that huge wave. I said, that's it.
Fuck it. I came up into the office and I started crying and I said to the team, I can't do this.
I can't talk about habits.

Speaker 1 I can't, I can't even get Christmas cards out in the mail. I can't do this.
I went to my husband and my daughter and I said, I'm not doing 75 hard. I got too much going on.

Speaker 1 This is not the time for me to do this. Like I'm setting myself for failure.
And you know what they said? They said, yes, you can.

Speaker 1 Yes, you can.

Speaker 1 And they sat there and they lessened to me whine and whine and wine. And Chris looked at me and he said, Mel,

Speaker 1 you got to have a breakthrough.

Speaker 1 You have to take on something that feels hard. And you have to do it for longer than the month or the, you know, 45 days that you've done it in the past.
And right now is the perfect time.

Speaker 1 The fact that you're feeling the fuck it just four days in, this is a good thing, Mel, because it's pushing buttons in you. And you know what? He's right.
He's absolutely right.

Speaker 1 And so I went to bed, like immediately. I didn't even want to tempt myself because I was so frazzled.
I went to bed. I slept all night.
And when I woke up this morning and came up to work,

Speaker 1 what was so interesting is that life doesn't always

Speaker 1 give what you want, but it does give you what you need.

Speaker 1 And I think fuck it moments sometimes are what you need because you need to see

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 you can

Speaker 1 have a moment where you want to give up and you can even screw up in those moments and you can get back on the transformation train and you can keep going.

Speaker 1 That you are bigger than the fuck it moment, that the fuck it moment is there to test you. It's there because it's part of the process of growing.

Speaker 1 It is there because you got to learn how to manage these emotions that are going to come up.

Speaker 1 And sure enough, when I came up here this morning going, okay, everybody, I can do the science of habits because I did my workout this morning for 75 hard and I've had my half a gallon of water and I've read my 10 pages of fiction and I'm halfway there and I'm back on the horse.

Speaker 1 My team said, you know what, Mel? Hold up a second on the science of habits because there's a question that came in from one of the listeners on the podcast. It might just interest you.

Speaker 1 It's a question from Liza. And sure enough, this question does interest me because guess what? Liza,

Speaker 1 she was having a fuck it moment too. Check this out.

Speaker 2 My question is, I've been doing really well with a habit and I just broke down a couple nights ago. So what do you do when you're burned out and you know the right thing to do and you can't do it?

Speaker 1 Boy, can I relate to that. And I know you can too.
And that's why we're going to talk about those fuck it moments today.

Speaker 1 And even better, after a short word from our sponsors, we're going to have Liza here and we're going to dig in and find out what's actually going on.

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Speaker 1 You're not the same person you were last year, and that's the point. Life is about growth, change, and becoming more of who you're meant to be.

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Speaker 1 welcome back we're talking about that moment when you're chipping away at changing your life and all of a sudden something happens and you're like that's it throw it in the towel i'm out that's exactly what happened to me yesterday it's what happened to liza and so i'm excited because liza's here liza welcome to the show and i'd love to start by having you ask the question that you sent to me again.

Speaker 2 My question is, I've been doing really well with a habit and I just broke down a couple nights ago. It was the end of the day.
I had these uncomfortable feelings.

Speaker 2 I don't know where they were coming from.

Speaker 2 So what do you do when you're burned out and you know the right thing to do and you can't do it?

Speaker 1 So tell me specifically the habit that

Speaker 1 it's drinking. Okay,

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 do you have a problem with drinking, or do you just not want to drink because it's poison and it's impacting how you sleep, and it's a good thing not to do?

Speaker 2 It's probably a little bit of everything. Okay, um, it's the time has come for me to just give it up and get on with my life, okay.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 and how long were you able to not have a drink?

Speaker 2 300 odd days.

Speaker 1 That's a big deal.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So I don't know where this whole thing came from.

Speaker 1 I think you do.

Speaker 1 So let's talk about what triggered

Speaker 1 you to reach for

Speaker 1 whatever it was. What did you make?

Speaker 2 I had

Speaker 1 some champagne.

Speaker 2 Okay. I had bought some champagne for my husband for his birthday.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Walk me through that moment when you basically were like, fuck it.

Speaker 2 Sunday night, we had gone to Booker A.

Speaker 2 We had seen some friends, but I knew that there was another group that I wanted to go be with.

Speaker 2 And then when we went to the next

Speaker 2 party, everybody was drinking.

Speaker 2 And for some reason, I just really wanted to drink. Okay.
And I also was like munching on all of the good munchies. And I've been such a healthy eater that I felt guilty about my munching.

Speaker 2 I was just very frustrated.

Speaker 1 So was it frustration that caused you to drink? And the reason why I'm digging is because

Speaker 1 I want to figure out

Speaker 1 what instance, what emotion specifically triggered you.

Speaker 1 And what I wonder is the folks that were at the second party, are they aware that you're no longer drinking?

Speaker 2 We didn't discuss it.

Speaker 1 Do you feel shame about the fact that you don't drink?

Speaker 2 No, I think it was more I felt like I was missing out.

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm. Okay.

Speaker 2 I wanted to relax.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, I can relate to the wanting to relax part.

Speaker 2 It's kind of weird because

Speaker 2 we had had somebody at church who had fainted while she was reading early, you know, at the beginning of the day. And that really threw me off.

Speaker 2 And then I probably had a fear of being alone,

Speaker 2 you know, because she was alone in town. And so I thought, well, what if when my husband dies and I'm living somewhere alone, what would I do?

Speaker 2 Maybe that was it.

Speaker 1 Do not make yourself wrong

Speaker 1 because I guarantee you, you've been beating yourself up about this.

Speaker 1 Is that right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 But what have you been saying to yourself about it?

Speaker 2 What am I going to do when it really gets hard?

Speaker 1 And how does that make you feel?

Speaker 2 It feels like I've lost any kind of progress that I've made.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 2 and I want to be a health coach, so I, you know, I don't want to be speaking out of both sides of my mouth.

Speaker 1 Well, you shouldn't be if you're coaching people. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And this is a very important breakdown for you because in truly digging deeper as to what was triggering you and unpacking it for yourself, you're going to be able to help a lot more people.

Speaker 1 Because most

Speaker 1 addictions, most unhealthy habits are triggered by really uncomfortable feelings and negative emotional states and our inability to tolerate it.

Speaker 1 And what I want you to get to the bottom of is what was that core feeling? And maybe it was sadness or a lack of control. Maybe it was something that is really scary for you to feel.

Speaker 1 And so the alcohol becomes a fuck it, a way to numb it, a way to pretend it's not there.

Speaker 1 And what I want you to understand is that there are going to be moments

Speaker 1 that are way

Speaker 1 more scary and confronting than being at that party. But if you can choose not to drink for 300 days because you know it doesn't serve you,

Speaker 1 you can choose not to drink in moments that are wildly confronting,

Speaker 1 and you have not lost progress at all.

Speaker 1 All of the hard work that you've done for more than 300 days in a row are still in your neural pathways. It's still in your nervous system.

Speaker 1 And beating yourself up is going to make you feel disempowered. It's going to make you feel unmotivated to continue to do the work

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 stay sober and to make the choice that actually empowers you. One of the things that I believe that you need to come up with is

Speaker 1 mechanisms. to coach yourself through those moments.
And those mechanisms can be anything from, oh, when you notice the feelings coming up, naming the feelings.

Speaker 1 Do I actually want to drink or do I just feel uncomfortable right now?

Speaker 1 Simply asking yourself that question when you feel triggered is a way to become more conscious of what's driving you. The second thing that you should always do, no matter what, is always have

Speaker 1 some alternative beverage that you're excited about.

Speaker 1 Make sure that you've got a non-alcoholic wine or you've got a kombucha or you've got one of the like number of non-alcoholic spirits that are out there or non-alcoholic beers so that you can raise your wine glass, you can feel included without needing to break the promise that you have with yourself.

Speaker 2 Well, I was able to get through the whole party as when I got home.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 now now that's interesting.

Speaker 1 So, what happened when you got home?

Speaker 2 That's when I went in the fridge and I found the champagne and I went up and watched a lifetime movie or drank my champagne.

Speaker 1 And so, when you got home, what were you feeling?

Speaker 2 I was like, what is wrong with me? Why do I feel so weird?

Speaker 2 It was like I was looking at myself and not knowing what to do next.

Speaker 2 Where was your husband? We have to learn how to be uncomfortable with being, or be comfortable with being uncomfortable is what they say.

Speaker 1 Well, it's, do you believe that?

Speaker 2 No, that's what somebody said.

Speaker 1 Correct. You have to learn how to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
Do you believe that?

Speaker 2 I'm not comfortable with that.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Okay, but what I'm asking you is, do you actually want to learn how to do that?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And tell me why you stopped drinking.

Speaker 2 Because it was a habit that I was dealing with just about every day.

Speaker 1 You're not going to like what I'm about to say.

Speaker 1 I think you need to go to 90 meetings and 90 days

Speaker 1 and truly get to the bottom of why you no longer want to drink and the role that that alcohol played in helping you avoid uncomfortable feelings.

Speaker 1 Because if you were to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and just sit and listen,

Speaker 1 it would be very uncomfortable. And I think it would also provide a level of support that you need

Speaker 1 in order to have a profound breakthrough. And I also believe that this is happening for a reason.
It's happening because you've done so much work on yourself and this is now requiring you to level up.

Speaker 1 You want to go make a huge difference with people and you want to coach people in being able to form better habits. If you put on the, I'm a student

Speaker 1 of truly understanding

Speaker 1 how to live in in discomfort.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to put myself in a situation that I don't want to go to

Speaker 1 because I can tell you don't want to do this, do you?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 But I wouldn't mind having a breakthrough.

Speaker 1 I think this is a bigger deal than you're

Speaker 1 saying it is.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's just because of the casual nature of the way that you're talking to me about it.

Speaker 1 And I want you to have a huge breakthrough in this. And I believe you told me this because you knew I wouldn't pussyfoot around with it.

Speaker 2 Thank you for that.

Speaker 1 You're welcome. And your clients are going to need that from you.

Speaker 1 And that's why you need it from me.

Speaker 1 Now, we got to take a short break, but when we come back, Liza, you're going to tell us, what can we count on you for?

Speaker 1 You're not the same person you were last year, and that's the point. Life is about growth, change, and becoming more of who you're meant to be.

Speaker 1 And when it's time to mark that growth, the way you choose to honor the moments and milestones that make you who you are should reflect, Well, you. That's where desert-toned diamonds come in.

Speaker 1 Desert diamonds are the perfect way of celebrating all that you are and all that you're still becoming.

Speaker 1 They come in a range of unique, unexpected colors, colors that reflect your unique, unexpected journey.

Speaker 1 Warm whites, pale champagnes, deep ambers, smoky whiskeys, natural colors that are truly unlike anything else, just like you.

Speaker 1 So this holiday season, discover desert diamonds and gift yourself something as unique as you are. And a reminder, there's so much more up ahead for for you.
And that's why A Diamond is Forever.

Speaker 1 Visit adiamondisforever.com to learn more. Every December, we host an office cookie swap, but check this out.
I don't bring any cookies.

Speaker 1 Instead, I roll in with a tray of iced sugar cookie lattes from Starbucks for everyone. It's kind of become my thing.

Speaker 1 And at this point, if I actually brought cookies, I think everyone would be disappointed. And there's just something about that drink.

Speaker 1 It's a Starbucks blonde espresso milk over iced sweet sugar cookie flavor topped with festive sprinkles. It's like a sugar cookie in a cup.
I just love it. So does everybody else.

Speaker 1 Now, here's the funny part. That quick stop at Starbucks, it's like a little ritual.
Five quiet minutes in the car. You got your drink in hand.

Speaker 1 Before the holiday chaos starts, it's where you can take a little pause and ask yourself, what do I want to carry into the new year?

Speaker 1 Aside from a tray of iced sugar cookie lattes, you need to steal this idea at your next cookie swap. Come together over your holiday favorites at Starbucks.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back. So, I had just asked Liza to go to 90 meetings in 90 days.
Liza, what can I count on you for?

Speaker 2 My commitment that I will

Speaker 2 definitely go to meetings.

Speaker 1 How many meetings?

Speaker 1 See, this is.

Speaker 2 The thing is, 90 meetings in 90 days. That's what my friend did.

Speaker 1 I don't care about your friend. What are you going to do?

Speaker 2 Well, maybe there's a reason why this stuff is out there.

Speaker 1 That's not the answer to the question. What are you going to do?

Speaker 1 See, you're uncomfortable right now, so you're getting squirmy.

Speaker 1 Because what I feel right now is if we were to end this coaching conversation right now,

Speaker 1 I would bet all the money in the world that you don't do it. Because I don't hear commitment from you.

Speaker 1 I hear I need some wiggle room.

Speaker 1 And I also don't hear that you see the value in this, that you see the opportunity. I'm not shaming you.
I hear the power in you.

Speaker 2 Right. I have the power.
I just don't know if the meetings are the thing for me.

Speaker 1 I didn't ask you if they were the thing for you.

Speaker 1 is it working for you to do this on your own

Speaker 2 most of the time but maybe

Speaker 1 clearly not you're asking for advice right

Speaker 1 we think that we can do it on our own it's a hell of a lot easier when you get support

Speaker 1 And if you don't have a problem with alcohol and sitting in a meeting for 90 days won't trigger you

Speaker 1 because you'll be there as a student figuring out what does it look like when people are breaking through things that make them uncomfortable. What does it look like to tell the truth?

Speaker 1 But I think you're going to discover that there are layers and layers and layers and layers of this, and probably history and your family, and God, you know, who knows what else that you have not gotten to the bottom of.

Speaker 1 And the opportunity for your growth

Speaker 1 is

Speaker 1 to confront this head on.

Speaker 1 And there's no shame in this.

Speaker 2 I want to.

Speaker 2 This is probably the best way to do it.

Speaker 1 If you want to, why would you question

Speaker 1 whether or not

Speaker 1 going to 90 meetings 90 days in a row would make a difference?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I just never thought it was for me.

Speaker 1 I think it's scary

Speaker 1 to to

Speaker 1 consider

Speaker 1 that maybe you need more help than you think.

Speaker 1 I think the issue is truly saying, I have an issue with alcohol and I need support. That saying that you don't is a way to try to keep control

Speaker 1 and stepping into the unknown and saying, this is a real issue for me and I need support and I'm going to go to 90 meetings in 90 days because it's fucking uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to see what happens. And I think you're going to have a huge breakthrough.
And I think that breakthrough is going to have nothing to do with alcohol.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes. It's got to be deep seated because, you know, it's been since I was 16 or something, really.

Speaker 1 Now we're getting somewhere. This is a coping mechanism.
You reach for alcohol when you're uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 And you're not the only one.

Speaker 1 And so there's a couple of rules here coming out of this coaching conversation. Number one, do not make yourself wrong.
I am so proud of you. I am proud of you for the 300 days.

Speaker 1 I am proud of you for asking this question.

Speaker 1 I am proud of you for telling me what you did, because underneath that, I hear somebody that knows that she is sick of this shit and who's willing to say so.

Speaker 1 And who's also scared to death of what you're going to find on the other side of this. So I need you to hear that I think you're awesome.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Second thing: 90 meetings in 90 days, and walk in there with an open mind

Speaker 1 and use it just like you have used sobriety as a way to get to know yourself better. It's just an experience, it's all that it is.

Speaker 1 And then, number three,

Speaker 1 stop making yourself wrong. Stop making yourself wrong.

Speaker 2 I'm not wrong.

Speaker 1 Stop making yourself wrong. Okay?

Speaker 2 Maybe I need help.

Speaker 1 We all do.

Speaker 1 We all do. And I'm proud of you for going to get it.

Speaker 2 Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 I'm really proud of you. It's okay to break down.
I can see you trying to hold it together.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 My job.

Speaker 1 Well, so stop.

Speaker 1 What's coming up for you?

Speaker 2 It's probably some form of relief.

Speaker 1 Say more about that. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Oh, it's always a release from here to cry.

Speaker 2 It just makes me feel better.

Speaker 1 I think it's a lot of work

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 hold on to

Speaker 1 habits, patterns that no longer serve us.

Speaker 1 It's not easy,

Speaker 1 but there's a lot of effort that goes into keeping something that's broken in place.

Speaker 1 And I think there is a whole new life on the other side of this for you.

Speaker 2 I'm ready.

Speaker 1 I can tell.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to hear how it goes. And just know that I'm here cheering for you every step of the way.

Speaker 1 I love you.

Speaker 1 So if you're confronted by the conversation we just had,

Speaker 1 because you know there is something that you're reaching for to cope with uncomfortable feelings. And it's the range of stuff, everybody.
Smoking, vaping,

Speaker 1 a weed habit, pornography, shopping addiction, shopping addiction is on the rise. These are all behaviors

Speaker 1 that we use to numb out and to distract ourselves and to avoid uncomfortable feelings. And one of the reasons why

Speaker 1 it's so easy to form a addiction or a negative habit is because when you light up a cigarette, you get a drop of dopamine.

Speaker 1 And what we've learned from habit research is that it's that drop of dopamine, that reward when you hit purchase in the shopping cart or when you watch porn online or when you take a hit off a cigarette or a joint.

Speaker 1 That reward is the dopamine and the release from distracting yourself or from the guilty pleasure. And that's why these coping mechanisms form so quickly because you've got the reward there.

Speaker 1 And it's also why almost every single addiction that people people struggle with or habit that people struggle with breaking is triggered by a negative emotion, an uncomfortable feeling.

Speaker 1 And so, you know, if you're triggered by this conversation,

Speaker 1 you need to take a look at this, period, that there is some kind of pain

Speaker 1 or emotion. or discomfort that you are avoiding or masking or numbing with emotional eating, emotional spending, emotional drugging, emotional whatever.

Speaker 1 Like it's your way to check the fuck out from these uncomfortable emotions. Look, my husband was this exact same way.
When he left the restaurant business in 2014, he

Speaker 1 believed he had failed at life.

Speaker 1 He began a daily weed habit to numb out.

Speaker 1 Period.

Speaker 1 There have been periods in my life where I can have a glass of wine or one cocktail, and that's that.

Speaker 1 And then there are periods where I know, okay, something else is going on, Mel, because it's now kind of careening into a bottle of wine or three Manhattans.

Speaker 1 And so that's my go-to. It also runs in my family, so I'm prone to it neurologically, DNA-wise.

Speaker 1 But this is the opportunity

Speaker 1 to truly look at it through the lens of habits.

Speaker 1 You are not the problem.

Speaker 1 What's triggering you to reach for this thing? And I want to address one other bigger thing. There's a huge connection between trauma and addiction.

Speaker 1 Because if you've experienced small T or capital T trauma, And we now know that that can include racism, discrimination, poverty, that when you have this in your past, a ton of us feel tremendous pain when you experience trauma, which also leads you to want to numb out that pain that you're not quite sure why you're feeling on edge all the time, which leads you to reach for things.

Speaker 1 And so, here's what I want to say to you: if you're triggered by this conversation:

Speaker 1 Good,

Speaker 1 good,

Speaker 1 because I don't want you to spend your whole life numbing out.

Speaker 1 You have the ability

Speaker 1 to experience scary feelings

Speaker 1 and to not

Speaker 1 lose yourself or lose control in those moments. You can get support for this.
You can use the science of habits to also break habits that make you feel like shit.

Speaker 1 And if you have the courage to admit what's going on to yourself, I promise you, you got the capability to change it. Ultimately, you want to know what a fuck it moment is.

Speaker 1 It's a moment when you get triggered.

Speaker 1 You're just overwhelmed with emotion. That's it.
It's an inability to handle uncomfortable emotions. And so we say, fuck it.

Speaker 1 We go, let's numb out. Let's check out.
Let's throw in the towel. And I'm here to tell you those moments are normal and you can tolerate.
those uncomfortable feelings.

Speaker 1 It's almost like instead of chucking the towel, throwing in the towel, like I wanted to do with my holiday cards, how about you visualize wringing the towel out instead?

Speaker 1 That almost sitting with that rise of negative emotion is a lot like letting a towel soak in the water. And then you're just going to take a deep breath and you're going to wring that towel out.

Speaker 1 And then you can like,

Speaker 1 you know, like shake it out too.

Speaker 1 This is so important because

Speaker 1 This is a skill that you need. If you can gather up the strength and the self-awareness to go, oh, I think I'm having a fuck it moment.
I'm like ready to throw in the towel on this thing.

Speaker 1 I'm only seven days into not doing dairy and I want to kill my entire family because I'm so irritable. Oh,

Speaker 1 this is a fuck it moment. I'm ready to like just be like, that's it.
I don't want to date you anymore. Instead of having the conversation because I don't like

Speaker 1 the emotions that I'm feeling,

Speaker 1 recognize it because tolerating uncomfortable emotion emotion and then supporting yourself in creating the ability and the skills to stick to your goals and to chip away at who you want to become.

Speaker 1 Well, there's a lot that we've covered in this short little episode, and I want to make sure that you do not miss a beat.

Speaker 1 And so let me recap all of this and you want to listen all the way to the end because there's a lot that we covered. Number one,

Speaker 1 the fuck it moment, it is coming. Number two, when that fuck it moment happens, do not make yourself wrong.
Number three, fuck it moments, they're actually really good.

Speaker 1 You know what a fuck it moment means?

Speaker 1 It means that as you are pushing yourself and as you're taking on new stuff and as you're attempting and trying to change, A fuck it moment happens when you are expanding your capacity for new behavior and for new experiences.

Speaker 1 A fuck it moment happens because you have to shed that old stuff that is stored in your nervous system and you have to shed these old behavior patterns.

Speaker 1 And that, that stuff like sends shockwaves through your system. And here's the other thing, handled correctly, these moments, they help you grow.

Speaker 1 And I also want you to remember, yep, they're going to rise up.

Speaker 1 But they also pass.

Speaker 1 And what helps me whenever they come up, did you notice in my story what I did repeatedly? I told people.

Speaker 1 I told people. See, when I talk to my colleagues or I talk to my husband or I talk to my family or I talk to my friends as something's coming up, it helps me process it.

Speaker 1 And instead of just venting at people, just say, hey, I'm going through something.

Speaker 1 Do you have the capacity right now to let me just vent for a minute so that people know it's not about them and that your frustration has nothing to do with them and that they're also okay to hear it and that they're not going to get like their own fucking moment by listening to you.

Speaker 1 Another thing I want you to know is that you deserve more help than you're willing to ask for or even admit that you need. We all do.

Speaker 1 So whether it's 90 meetings in 90 days or asking a friend if they'll text you every day to check in with you on this commitment that you have that you're working on, or maybe it's getting professional advice or screening by a medical doctor that you've been avoiding.

Speaker 1 Seeking help doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong.

Speaker 1 And it's also a a sign when you seek help that you are serious about changing, that you're the kind of person that doesn't let these moments and these obstacles that are going to come up stop you.

Speaker 1 You haven't thrown in the towel.

Speaker 1 You're just wringing it out when it gets filled with emotion. And one thing that I wanna make sure you hear loud and clear.
Let's say you're like me. And you say, I'm not doing this today.

Speaker 1 When you show up tomorrow and you are ready to keep pushing forward, you have not lost progress.

Speaker 1 Studies and research say that whether it's three days of progress before the fuck it moment or 300,

Speaker 1 your progress is still there in your neural pathways. You are not starting at zero.

Speaker 1 And I think it's really important for you to hear that because a lot of times we throw in the towel instead of ringing it out because we think that we have screwed up by screwing up once.

Speaker 1 And that's not the case at all. Everything that you have worked for is still there, and so I say, fuck it, let's keep going.

Speaker 1 And in case no one else says this to you today, I'm gonna say, I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to just wring that towel out and keep pushing forward.

Speaker 1 And I'll be back in just a couple days to help you do that by teaching you the science of habits.

Speaker 1 Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

Speaker 1 It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

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