The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast

Speaker 2 Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 2 You know, I've been in a really reflective mood lately. I'm always that way this time of year.

Speaker 2 And so I decided to just look back over the year and think about the moments on the podcast that had the biggest impact on me.

Speaker 2 You know, the ones where I was really moved or an expert challenged me to think about a topic an entirely new way, or they shared a tool that fundamentally changed my approach to something.

Speaker 2 And so I've decided to gather up my favorite moments today and share them with you.

Speaker 2 And you're about to meet the six experts, and you're going to hear the moments from the Mel Robbins podcast that fundamentally changed my life.

Speaker 2 And I promise you, they're going to change your life too.

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Speaker 2 Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you.

Speaker 2 And today in particular, I think our time is going to be extraordinarily moving. And the reason why I'm saying that is because I have been thinking a lot about the last year on the podcast.

Speaker 2 And I wanted to compile the top moments with experts on this podcast over the last year that truly moved me.

Speaker 2 that impacted my life, that made me look at a very important topic in life in an entirely new way, that inspired me me to change something, not just change it, but to change it for good.

Speaker 2 And so, I'm so excited to be able to share with you moments with six experts that changed my life. And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, somebody sent you this episode.

Speaker 2 This is an absolutely extraordinary episode to listen to as your very first episode. I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family, and it's a real honor to have you here.

Speaker 2 And I'm absolutely thrilled to be able able to share these meaningful moments with you. Of course, there's no better place for me to start for me when Dr.

Speaker 2 Doty hopped on a plane and flew all the way across the United States to join me in our Boston studios.

Speaker 2 And let me tell you a little bit about him and then I'm going to tell you about what you're going to hear. Dr.
Jim Doty is a pioneering Stanford neurosurgeon.

Speaker 2 And by pioneering, I mean the man has actually created a spinal surgery technique that has transformed spinal surgery. He's also a world-renowned neuroscientist.
He's founded a bunch of companies.

Speaker 2 He's also the founder and the director of the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and the former chairman of the Dalai Lama Foundation. Now, Dr.

Speaker 2 Doty was in our studios to talk about his work and research on the topic of manifesting. That's right.
We're learning about the process of manifesting from a neurosurgeon. And he just

Speaker 2 opened my eyes to the topic of manifesting in ways that I cannot wait to share with you because I believe in manifesting.

Speaker 2 But learning about how there are four different parts of your brain that you're using when you're manifesting, it was just mind-blowing and empowering.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 2 The first thing I want to share with you from that conversation with Dr. Doty is a story that he shared at the very beginning of our conversation, where he describes being a 12-year-old kid.

Speaker 2 He grew up in a house where there was a lot of conflict and fighting, and he would hop on his bike and rides his bike as far away from the stuff going on in the household that he grew up in.

Speaker 2 And one day, he ends up at this magic shop, and it changed the trajectory of his life because of how the woman working in that magic shop. taught him as a 12-year-old.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to play this in just a minute for you to listen to. But the reason why this is so important is that I believe that we are all equipped to help one another.

Speaker 2 In fact, I think that you're best equipped to help the person that you once were.

Speaker 2 And it's very clear to me that when this 12-year-old version of Jim Doty walked into the magic shop, the woman working there saw a kid who needed someone to care.

Speaker 2 And that right there changed the trajectory of his entire life.

Speaker 1 I walked into a magic shop and met a woman who

Speaker 1 looked at me as a human being.

Speaker 1 So many people make judgments about people

Speaker 1 and they don't recognize

Speaker 1 the past or the problems or the adversities they faced.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 everybody deserves to be listed.

Speaker 1 So this woman in this magic shop, she was a radiant being.

Speaker 1 She had a smile, a presence that made you feel safe. And this is a key, psychological safety, to down-regulate your stress response.
And she made me feel okay. She didn't look down on me and I was 12.

Speaker 1 As a 12-year-old, she looked at me as an equal, eye to eye. And

Speaker 1 that interaction with her changed the trajectory of my life because it changed how I saw the world. Having somebody take the time to

Speaker 1 look at you, see you,

Speaker 1 appreciate

Speaker 1 what you are,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 taking that interest, it's very meaningful.

Speaker 1 And I try never to take that for granted. And even,

Speaker 1 and I hope every interaction,

Speaker 1 you understand that

Speaker 1 a lot of people are suffering. They're carrying baggage from their past, past, and that baggage is limiting them.
And oftentimes, just

Speaker 1 listening to somebody can profoundly change their lives, because that's what people want to be heard.

Speaker 1 And sometimes it's just hello. Sometimes it's just a hug.
So I always tell people, never forget your own ability to change somebody's life.

Speaker 1 And also to recognize that oftentimes how somebody is interacting with you has nothing to do with what's going on. It has to do with the baggage they're carrying.

Speaker 1 And so it gives people a benefit of a doubt. And so,

Speaker 1 you know, if you grew up in a background like mine, typically there are two paths. One is the path, you become an alcoholic, drug abuser, have mental health issues.
The other issue, overexcel, right?

Speaker 1 Overachieve. Then the path of the overachiever gets bifurcated.
There's a one group who say, nobody helped me. I did this all myself.
I'm not going to help anybody else.

Speaker 1 Then you have the other group, which I probably typified maybe excessively,

Speaker 1 where

Speaker 1 I understand the pain people go through

Speaker 1 and very deeply.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I'm very attuned to that.

Speaker 2 It's beautiful.

Speaker 2 You know, it really moved me

Speaker 2 to

Speaker 2 see

Speaker 2 just

Speaker 1 how

Speaker 2 in tune he is with this simple idea

Speaker 2 that

Speaker 2 everyone deserves to be seen.

Speaker 2 And I want to underscore something, and it's this.

Speaker 2 Never forget your own ability. to change someone else's life.

Speaker 2 I really do believe you have the power to help yourself and to help someone else. And that's one of the reasons why I show up here every single week.

Speaker 2 And it's why I'm so grateful that you and I get to spend time together, because that's what we're doing.

Speaker 2 We're helping one another to feel seen, to understand the simple things that we can do to lift each other up. And so once I wiped away the tears, we got down to the topic that Dr.

Speaker 2 Doty was there to talk about, which is manifesting. Now, manifesting is something that I believe in.
And it's not just closing your eyes and hoping that a pony shows up.

Speaker 2 Manifesting is the process where you intentionally align your thoughts with what you truly want in life.

Speaker 2 And when you do it properly, you are programming your mind, your body, your spirit, your nervous system, your brain to help you get these things.

Speaker 2 Doesn't mean you don't do the work. It just means you're aligning your own body and mindset to help you do the work.
And I love manifesting. It is a tool that I use.
But Dr.

Speaker 2 Dodie was the very first person to point out a huge mistake that everybody makes when they're manifesting. And he's a neuroscientist.

Speaker 2 So he can not only explain the four different parts of the brain that you're using when you're visualizing and when you're thinking about and allowing yourself to feel the things in your life that you want to have happen, but the major mistake that we're all making, oh my gosh, wait to hear this.

Speaker 2 You're manifesting when you're stressed out. Like you're driving to work and traffic's all backed up and you're gripping the wheel and you're closing your eyes and traffic's stopping.

Speaker 2 You're like, I just want a beach house and a million dollars. Doesn't work that way.

Speaker 2 If you're single and you're like constantly bummed and on edge and, you know, you think dating's toxic and you're allowing some stranger who just ghosted you to deplete your self-esteem, manifesting the love of your life, not going to work.

Speaker 2 Dr. Doty said, and this is something I'd never known, that in order for you to manifest properly, you have to be calm,

Speaker 2 which to me makes sense, but it was also a revelation. Wow.

Speaker 2 Who knew? Well, I guess we do now. And so I want to bring you to the point where Dr.
Doty has explained, no, you got to be calm. And this is the part people miss.
You want to manifest something.

Speaker 2 You got to get intentional about what you want. You got to drop yourself into a calm state.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 that's when you start to write it down. That's when you visualize it.
And so I asked Dr. Doty, you're like the king of this stuff and you're a neurosurgeon and neuroscientist.

Speaker 2 So tell us, what's your process? What do you do when you wake up to put yourself in a state to manifest? Because he had explained, oh, I manifest from the moment I wake up.

Speaker 2 I'm like, okay, well, help us do the same thing. And this is what he said.

Speaker 1 So let me start with the morning first. Every morning, I wake up and I sit at the side of the bed and I do a breathing exercise.

Speaker 1 And the very nature of that breathing exercise shifts me into the parasympathetic nervous system.

Speaker 2 And what is the breathing exercise?

Speaker 1 It's just slowly breathing in through the nose, holding it for four seconds, slowly letting it out. And I do this for a minute or two.
You can sit, you can lay down.

Speaker 1 There's nothing that is prescriptive. And this is where people get lost about mindfulness practices.
They somehow think you have to sit like a Buddha and do this, and they get all anxious about it.

Speaker 1 There's no reason to be anxious at all. It's just to find a place where you feel comfortable.

Speaker 1 And then I go through this breathing exercise of slowly breathing in for four to six seconds, holding it for four to six seconds, slowly letting it out through the mouth.

Speaker 1 And then that shifts me into the parasympathetic nervous system or strengthens where I'm already at. And then I think of the joy and awe of being in this world.

Speaker 1 And I just sit with that for a minute or two, and that centers me for the day.

Speaker 1 And if I'm centered looking through that lens, then that actually creates the environment for me to manifest because I am in the right mindset. I'm calm.
I'm thoughtful. I'm thinking about others.

Speaker 1 I'm not self-focused. And the very nature of that allows me to manifest.

Speaker 1 Now, I was going to mention in the evening, all of us have goals, all of us have intentions, and you can prioritize them from ones that are mildly important, moderately important, incredibly important, and in the timeframes.

Speaker 1 And then you focus on them.

Speaker 1 And what I will do is I will, again, write them down, whatever the top three are, and then I'll go through the exact same exercise I mentioned, which is to write them down, to repeat it.

Speaker 1 silently, to repeat it aloud, to see it happening, and

Speaker 1 over and over and over again. All of those things strengthen the power and put you in the right mindset to have the greatest likelihood of you manifesting your intention.

Speaker 1 And the very nature of that puts you in the right mental state where you don't feel you have to hide yourself, where you don't feel that you have to put on a show for everybody about how successful you are, and where you're just feeling comfortable with who you are and accept yourself.

Speaker 1 And the hardest, hardest part for so many people is accepting themselves as they are, not be lost in how they want to be or lost in what could have been.

Speaker 1 And this is also a thing that distracts you from the energy you have to change things, because if you spend 80% of your time on the past and the future that hasn't happened lamenting, then you can never be present to actually make things happen.

Speaker 1 And this is the key. You have to be present.
You have to be authentic. You have to understand your past.

Speaker 1 And you have to understand that when you want something to manifest, yes, it is a future intention, but it's not something to get lost in.

Speaker 1 It's something simply to sit with instead of be pathologically focused on. As an example, I'm sure you've seen people who have sacrificed everything to get to the top of the mountain.

Speaker 1 Well, they've sacrificed everything to get to the top of the mountain to stand there by themselves.

Speaker 1 What was the purpose of that? Our purpose in life is connection. It's not to so be focused that you don't have any connections and you're walking alone.
It's to connect with people. I mean,

Speaker 1 many, many of the aspects of what we're talking about are the journey with others, not necessarily standing by yourself.

Speaker 2 I love that.

Speaker 2 I love that you can not only use neuroscience

Speaker 2 and these simple techniques to calm yourself down and then leverage the power of your brain to start to imagine the things that you want in your life.

Speaker 2 But that there's also this reminder that everything in life is way better when you're sharing it with other people.

Speaker 2 And that's why I wanted to start with Dr. Jim Doty.
I mean, I just have not stopped thinking about him since he walked out of our studio.

Speaker 2 I feel like the exact same things that he's just shared with you about your ability to help another person is why you and I are here.

Speaker 2 It's why you're sharing these episodes, and it's why I'm so proud to call you my friend.

Speaker 2 And I'm also grateful that you know you didn't see him if you're not watching on YouTube, but he's like this tall guy with white hair and these big black glasses like mine.

Speaker 2 And you can tell he's just like super confident. And if you saw him at a cocktail party, you would never say to yourself, Oh, that's a dude that manifests.

Speaker 2 So to have him sit down and

Speaker 1 be emotional and moved

Speaker 2 by how much suffering there is

Speaker 2 and how it doesn't have to be that way, that there are simple tools that you can use, like manifesting, like calming yourself down, that can help you change the way that you think.

Speaker 2 It can help you see bigger possibilities. It can help you ease your own suffering.
And I just am grateful that Dr. Doty took the time to be here to teach both of us that.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 since one of my favorite moments ended with Dr.

Speaker 2 Doty reminding us that the journey of life is something that we're doing with other people, that brings me to the second person this year that has had a lasting impact on me.

Speaker 2 And his work centers around how to be a better communicator in a way that brings you closer to people. and allows you to have the hard conversations.

Speaker 2 Because the fact is, you got to have hard conversations to make your relationships better. And that person that I'm talking about is none other than the amazing Jefferson Fisher.

Speaker 2 Now, Jefferson Fisher is a seasoned trial lawyer, but he's gained millions of followers online because he sits in the front seat of his car in between his cases in court, giving straightforward, powerful communication advice.

Speaker 2 And what I love about Jefferson is he's got this just kind of soft-spoken way of teaching you how to be articulate and persuasive and tactful and to stand your ground.

Speaker 2 And I've been following him for a long time and I've watched him just explode on social media. And so I'm proud that he jumped on a plane from Texas.

Speaker 2 He came to our Boston studios and he taught you and me how the power of what you say and what you don't say. shapes who you are, that your words matter.

Speaker 2 And he is just the king of practical insights when it comes to how do you speak up? When do you stay silent? What do you do if somebody's gaslighting you?

Speaker 2 And my favorite topic that I covered with Jefferson is how do you actually set up a difficult conversation? Okay.

Speaker 2 And it turns out I've been doing it all wrong and you probably have too, because when you think about having to sit down with somebody and have a conversation that you're really nervous about and you know that's true because you've been avoiding it like the plague, you probably dance around it.

Speaker 2 Well, Jefferson says that's exactly what you shouldn't do. And so I'm going to have you listen to him.

Speaker 4 I want you to imagine you are about to walk into somebody's office and there's going to be that hard conversation in the room. And let's just say it's a topic of something that is, it's bad news.

Speaker 4 Put your mind wherever it is. And you walk in and somebody goes, So, uh, so how are you?

Speaker 1 How are you lately? You've been good?

Speaker 4 Pickleball games? All right. Well, that's, that's good.
Well,

Speaker 4 your family's good?

Speaker 4 Well, listen.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 4 I have something that we've been talking about. And listen, I know it's not that big of a deal.
And I want you to understand.

Speaker 2 You're making me panic

Speaker 2 listening to you, Jefferson.

Speaker 4 Because of that fear of the unknown, Mel, versus, let's say, the different scenario. You come in, say, thank you for meeting with me.

Speaker 4 Mel, I have bad news.

Speaker 4 You deliver that bad news. Versus, this isn't going to be a fun conversation.

Speaker 4 You say that.

Speaker 4 This isn't going to be fun for us to talk about. This isn't my favorite conversation to have.
You prepare them for it. Often you're afraid to disappoint people.

Speaker 4 And what that really is, is you don't believe that they have enough emotional resiliency to handle it. So you need to

Speaker 4 baby them to tiptoe into the water instead of dipping right in. And people will admire you more.

Speaker 4 They will see you as somebody with more respect and more confidence every time when you say what you want to say fully.

Speaker 2 I didn't even know what to say

Speaker 2 because he's right.

Speaker 2 And my entire life, I'm 56 years old, I have handled this wrong.

Speaker 2 Because first of all, if I have something hard I need to say to somebody or I have to give somebody some difficult feedback or I got to sit somebody down and just tell them, yep, I'm not going to do what you need me to do or I don't want to be in this relationship anymore.

Speaker 2 I do tiptoe around it. I am afraid of the other person's reaction.
Sometimes I don't even want to deal with the reaction.

Speaker 2 And that's why I kind of do that thing where you try to like make it softer than it needs to be. But he's right, isn't he?

Speaker 2 Imagine my favorite thing is this isn't my favorite thing to talk about.

Speaker 2 This is not something I want to be having a conversation with you about right now.

Speaker 2 This is not going to be a good conversation.

Speaker 2 I have bad news. I mean, just saying that,

Speaker 2 you feel kind of powerful powerful because you're just putting it out there. And I love what he also reminded you and me of.
It's true.

Speaker 2 People will respect you if you respect them enough to just tell them the truth. And when you tell somebody, hey, this isn't my favorite conversation, but I need to tell you the truth.

Speaker 2 What happens is you're also saying, I believe in your ability to handle the truth and I respect you enough to give it to you.

Speaker 2 And that was an eye-opener for me. And I've been using it ever since.

Speaker 2 And so the next thing that really struck me about Jefferson, and, you know, if you haven't heard the episode, the link is in the notes section in the show description, wherever it is that you're listening to this conversation or watching it on YouTube right now.

Speaker 2 That tone of voice that he has, he didn't modulate the entire conversation.

Speaker 2 There's so much power in being in control of your words.

Speaker 2 And I don't know about you, but there are moments in life where somebody says something that's sort of like a backhanded compliment or they are a little belittling.

Speaker 2 Like oftentimes I find that that happens a lot where people will make a remark about my success and then they'll kind of cut Chris down, my husband, and be like, must be nice to have your wife pay all the bills.

Speaker 2 And I've never known how to respond. And neither has Chris.
When somebody kind of belittles you that way or says something backhanded, well, now I do. Thanks to Jefferson.

Speaker 2 Here's what he had to say is the way you need to handle it the next time somebody says something that you find offensive or belittling.

Speaker 4 When somebody is belittling you or giving you a insult, hurtful comment, you make them say it again. Because what they're hoping to do in that belittling comment is get that reaction out of you.

Speaker 4 And instead, you find a way to take all the fun out of it. So when you ask them to repeat what they said,

Speaker 4 you're not giving them that hitodopamine that they were expecting from your reaction. They're not getting that response time from you.
Instead, you're delaying that gratification for them.

Speaker 4 Then it's just not worth it. Then it's just not fun.
And so when you ask them to repeat it, to say, I need you to say that again.

Speaker 2 We need to role play this.

Speaker 4 Sure.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to think of a scenario.

Speaker 4 Like you just said right there. You're still single.

Speaker 2 I need you to repeat that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 So exactly. I'm not going to want to say that again because now that spotlight is on me.

Speaker 4 And then also what you lead up with that is you ask questions of intent. For example, did you say that to hurt me?

Speaker 4 And now it's this mirror that they feel like, why did I say that?

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 4 And then they start to backtrack. Then you don't have to say anything.
So if somebody says to you, oh, so you're still single,

Speaker 4 I need you to say that again.

Speaker 4 Most likely they're not going to say that again. But if they do, then you can even repeat what they said.
I'm still single. That's what you asked me.
And all of a sudden they realize this isn't fun.

Speaker 4 They're not going to ask that kind of thing again. Wow.
Or you just ask that question of, did you say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to offend me? Oh, no, no, no, no. I didn't say that.

Speaker 4 What I meant was, and all of a sudden they're backing away because they know you're going to stand your ground.

Speaker 2 Tell you what, we're all taking Jefferson Fisher with us to every family interaction because I don't know. We got instigators in our family.
You know, the kind of people that, oh, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2 Oh, I didn't mean it that way. You don't need to be so sensitive.
I love this.

Speaker 2 I need you to say that again.

Speaker 2 I can't wait for somebody to turn to me and Chris and take a jab at Chris. Oh, it must be nice to be married to Mel

Speaker 2 and not have to do anything all day.

Speaker 2 I need you to say that again.

Speaker 2 Are you saying that to belittle me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like all of a sudden, it's not that fun anymore.

Speaker 2 Man, I love Jefferson Fisher. Don't you love Jefferson Fisher? He made a huge impact on my life this year.
And so, wow. Well, there are four more experts.

Speaker 2 We're just getting started that have had a profound impact on me this year. And you're going to meet them after we take a very short break.
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Speaker 2 Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins.
And today I'm sharing with you a few of my favorite moments from the last year on the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 2 And these are moments with experts where I was either really moved or I learned something that fundamentally changed how I either deal with a specific situation or how I look at a particular issue.

Speaker 2 So we've already covered Dr. Doty and the way that he has truly made you realize that you have the power to help someone else simply by being kind to somebody.

Speaker 2 He also told us that you got to be calm if you're going to try to manifest. And that's not just advice, it's neuroscience.

Speaker 2 We also learned from Jefferson Fisher simple things you can say to take your power back when somebody is trying to take your power away. I need you to say that again.

Speaker 2 I think I'm going to talk in that slow kind of draw that he has. That just feels powerful, doesn't it? Well, I'm going to tell you what else is powerful.
And that is when I got to sit down with Dr.

Speaker 2 Rebecca Robbins. Now, Dr.
Rebecca is a professor at Harvard Medical School, and she is a leading researcher on sleep and circadian rhythms at Brigham and Women's Hospital. Dr.

Speaker 2 Robbins has earned her PhD from Cornell and completed postdoctoral training at NYU and Harvard, specializing in sleep and circadian disorders.

Speaker 2 Now, if you wanted to see her in her private practice, like we're talking years to get into her sleep clinic. Her research is the research that people that write books about sleep are citing.

Speaker 2 So she is the OG when it comes to sleep. And one of the things that I noticed immediately is her voice is so soothing.
I mean, we need a sleep app with Dr. Robin's voice on it.

Speaker 2 But she showed up and shared actionable science-based strategies that are going to help you have better sleep overall, that's going to boost your energy, your focus, and your overall well-being.

Speaker 2 And one of the things that she talked about, there are two moments that I'm going to share with you that really changed how I think about sleep and what I do at night to get ready for sleep.

Speaker 2 And the first thing that we talked about is that, you know, I don't know what you're like, but 10 o'clock is my bedtime. Do you know what time I climb in bed? 10 o'clock.

Speaker 2 Do you know what time I think I should be asleep? 10 o'clock. Like, I literally go from 100 miles an hour running around the house to 10 o'clock.
I'm right in my bed. Dr.

Speaker 2 Robbins is like, major mistake. Check this out.

Speaker 7 One of my favorite tips for a great night's sleep is this idea that routine is absolutely queen.

Speaker 7 And we're really not meant to keep different sleep schedules as human beings.

Speaker 7 Falling asleep at 2 a.m. one night, 10 p.m.
the next, understand how vitally important consistency is in our sleep routines.

Speaker 7 Because then our brain and our body starts to understand when it should be tired and, you know, prepare for sleep and when it should be awake.

Speaker 7 And then it allows ourselves to better organize ourselves and get a lot out of our sleep episode. The best sleep comes when we're getting consistent, keeping our sleep times consistent.

Speaker 7 So falling asleep at the same time and waking up as close to the same time as possible.

Speaker 2 So, is that takeaway number one, that climbing into bed so you have a consistent time that you're signaling that you're going to start the process of falling asleep and having your alarm ring at roughly the same time is one of the first things that we want to do?

Speaker 7 Absolutely. And I think we're slaves to our alarm clocks.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 7 But we don't really talk about the wind down times. Kind of like a fuzzy idea, a fuzzy game plan.
It's not a, okay, 10:30 is when I'm going to start to power down. I'm going to get off my phone.

Speaker 7 I'm going to boil a cup of, a small cup of tea, herbal tea, and then start my bedtime ritual and wind down routine, which is an essential part of sleep.

Speaker 7 We always think, you know, oh, you know, I, now, now's time. Now

Speaker 7 feels pretty good for sleep, but it really, it takes time.

Speaker 2 You know, just listening to her, I'm like, I know she didn't mean it this way, but I'm like, Mel, you dummy.

Speaker 2 Like, like, why do you think you can sprint from the kitchen kitchen fully clothed in your clogs while you're texting your kids goodnight and turning off the lights?

Speaker 2 And then literally, do you get undressed by the side of your bed? I get undressed by the side of my bed.

Speaker 1 I do.

Speaker 2 And then I climb in and then I lay there. It's like, because there's no buffer.

Speaker 2 And when you hear her tell you the truth and the science about kneading, a simple wind down routine, it just makes sense, doesn't it? And I thought, Mel, you deserve that.

Speaker 2 I mean, on the nights where you take a bath, woman, you crawl into that bed just like you did when you were a kid, all swaddled up and warm, and you just, whoo,

Speaker 2 you just fall right asleep. Why are you not doing this every night?

Speaker 2 And so I asked Dr. Robbins, I was like, okay,

Speaker 2 yes, I'm in.

Speaker 2 I want that cup of tea. I want that wind down routine.
And so I said, you know, Dr. Robbins is one of the leading sleep researchers on the planet in clinical practice, running the sleep web.

Speaker 2 What is your wind down routine? And just take a listen to what she had to say, because I think you will never look at your evening routine the same ever again.

Speaker 7 My wind down routine is one thing that I am very diligent about. And it's not complex, but I'm very diligent about the time.
I do my best.

Speaker 7 You know, I try to get all my computer stuff done and then I put my boys to bed. And then it's 8.30.
And then I am switching my mindset. And it's time for mama to go to bed.

Speaker 7 And there are days where I need to be working and plug back in. But the best case scenario is my boys are down.
And then I do a couple, maybe I clean up a tiny bit around the house.

Speaker 7 I start to turn the lights off. And then I go upstairs and I turn my phone off.
I wash my face. I take a shower.
And then I do one breathing exercise. I sit cross-legged on the ground in my bedroom.

Speaker 7 I'm turning lights off as I kind of move into the bedroom. And I do one breathing exercise.

Speaker 7 And I don't set an alarm, but I just kind of do it until I feel like I've gotten rid of that busy mind, you know, that has served me so well over the course of the day.

Speaker 7 And sometimes that's five times on busier, more stressful days. Sometimes that's seven rounds of this, but it's the military breathing technique.
So I breathe in through my nose for a count of four.

Speaker 7 I hold for seven.

Speaker 7 And then I exhale, purse my lips for eight.

Speaker 7 And those times are longer than you think, right? The seven and the eight really like you're kind of fighting for the breath at the end. And that's the benefit of that technique.

Speaker 7 It restricts and restrains the breath and can help calm the heart rate and calm your mind. And now while I'm doing that, thoughts are flying in because of course, what I forgot to do or I need to do.

Speaker 7 And I I come back to this idea of no, not now.

Speaker 7 Now is my time. I've done things for my students, my partner, my kids all day.
And now is my time to restore and relax.

Speaker 7 And if anything, any thoughts are still fighting to the surface, I write those down at my nightstand. So I've done the 478 technique and then I mosey into my bed.

Speaker 6 I read a couple pages in a book.

Speaker 7 I do progressive muscle relaxation. I clench and release every muscle group starting from the toes and I inhale, clench, and then exhale, release.

Speaker 7 And I really kind of add on to that something, like something that I'm letting go, heaviness or a thought that's not serving me. And then I say a prayer and I go to sleep.

Speaker 7 And it doesn't happen every night, but that's my ritual. And I use the word ritual purposefully because you want to cultivate a ritual.
A ritual is something you do every time. And so it's thoughtful.

Speaker 7 It's, you know, one, two, three, boom, sleep is next.

Speaker 7 For you you listening, what are the three things that you can do tonight and tomorrow night and really institute as your ritual that you can ideally also take on the road when you travel?

Speaker 7 And be diligent. Try to do those every single night because then what the brain starts to understand is what comes next to sleep.

Speaker 2 Oh my gosh. So here's what I've done with that.
I think about what are the three things that I can do every night, no matter where I am. And I want you to think about these three things too.

Speaker 2 Take her invitation, because she did speak directly to you. What are three things you can do every single night that kind of become your wind down routine, that signal to you that it's time?

Speaker 2 And for me, the first thing is I always draw a bath. Like that's my new, ever since Dr.
Robbins, I do not miss it. And in fact, when I go to a hotel, I beg for a room with a bathtub.

Speaker 2 And I know that might kind of gross you out. If it looks kind of dingy, I'll just wash it before I climb into it.
But I love a bath. And if I can't have a bath, I'll take a shower.

Speaker 2 And when I start drying the bath or I turn on the shower, that's my signal to plug my phone in for the night and to just turn off the screen and leave it in the bathroom. And then I take the bath.

Speaker 2 And when I'm done with the bath, This may be getting a little too personal here.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I should be telling you this, but I, while I'm soaking wet, I put lotion all over my body because I feel like it locks in the moisture and I want really smooth skin.

Speaker 2 So there you have it. There's my skincare tip.
And then I just climb into bed, I turn off the light.

Speaker 2 And before I drift off to sleep, the final thing I do is I put my hand on my heart and I close my eyes and I think about three things that went really well today.

Speaker 2 Because your brain will find what you ask it to look for. And this kind of goes back to the Dr.

Speaker 2 Doty manifesting piece, that at the end of the day with this routine, especially after a hot shower bath and without a phone anywhere near me.

Speaker 2 And now that I'm climbed into like my cozy sheets and I've got my hand on my heart, I'm calm, aren't I?

Speaker 2 And so as I go through the day and I think about three things that went well or three things that I'm grateful for, this is a form of manifesting because I'm training my mind to default on what's good.

Speaker 2 And that helps me continue to see things that are good.

Speaker 2 And usually, I kind of drift right off to sleep. But I think the most encouraging thing that Dr.

Speaker 2 Robbins did share is is that sleeping is a skill and you can take intentional, simple steps that she shares in that episode to learn how to be a better sleeper. That's available to you.

Speaker 2 And it's one of the core pillars of creating a better life. And so here's what we're going to do.
We are going to hit the pause. We're going to hear a word from our amazing sponsors.

Speaker 2 I want you to share this episode with people in your life that you care about, whether it's because they need to hear the part about manifesting or they need the strategies from Jefferson Fisher or they've been complaining that they haven't been getting a great night's sleep.

Speaker 2 I mean, the gift of the world's leading sleep researcher, it's free. Just share this episode and don't go anywhere because after you hear a word from our sponsors, you know what's going to happen?

Speaker 2 I'm going to kick it up a notch because we've got three more amazing people that I'm going to introduce you to, one of whom is Trent Shelton, former NFL player, does not fool around.

Speaker 2 Everything that comes out of that man's mouth is like a truth bomb meets a soul slap, whatever that means. But you know, we're going to be picking it up and we're going to be dropping the truth.

Speaker 2 And you are going to feel motivated and inspired because Trent Shelton is coming next. And we're talking about your personal power.
We're talking about protecting your peace.

Speaker 2 And he's going to give you his three-step guide to having better boundaries. So stay with me.

Speaker 2 You know that feeling when you want to get a good night's sleep and then your partner or the dog who's on the bed is tossing and turning and is stealing the covers and suddenly you're the one who's wide awake at 2 a.m.

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Speaker 2 Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins.
Today, I'm sharing my favorite moments with experts that appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast in the past year.

Speaker 2 And I've got six people that really touched my heart. They changed my mind.
They gave me the tools that I needed to approach situations in my life differently.

Speaker 2 And the next person that I'm thrilled to introduce you to is a very dear friend of mine. His name is Trent Shelton.

Speaker 2 Trent is a former NFL player, and he is also an extraordinary motivational speaker and New York Times best-selling author.

Speaker 2 Now, I love Trent, and we're constantly texting back and forth and sharing ideas about business and life and parenting.

Speaker 2 And after his NFL career, Trent became a powerful voice in personal growth, and he inspires millions of people to claim their power and change their lives.

Speaker 2 He reaches over 60 million people every single week.

Speaker 2 And his book, Protect Your Peace, New York Times bestseller, he hopped on a plane and flew all the way from Texas and arrived in our Boston studios.

Speaker 2 And holy cow, like an NFL coach, he was ready to go. And what was the topic? He wants to set the record straight.

Speaker 2 about what you're accepting in life and your power to change the dynamic between you and other people, the power that you have to protect your peace.

Speaker 2 And so I want you to sit up straight and take a listen because I'm going to pass the mic to my friend Trent.

Speaker 5 I'm a believer. I'm sure there's exceptions to certain rules that

Speaker 5 people will consistently and continuously give you what you allow them to give you. I believe that you're in control of two things in this world.

Speaker 1 What are what you give,

Speaker 5 nobody can stop you giving anything, and what you accept

Speaker 5 so if i was like male you know this is a cup of poison drink it like

Speaker 5 you wouldn't accept that and it's crazy because i feel like emotionally we accept so many emotional poisons in our life that we don't have to accept nobody can force you to accept it and the first thing it starts with again we go back to setting that boundary

Speaker 5 saying no Boundaries are not walls to keep things out. We hear the word boundary, we think, oh, boundaries a bad thing and it's toxic.
And no, boundaries aren't walls to keep things out.

Speaker 5 Boundaries are bridges to let the right things in.

Speaker 1 Ooh,

Speaker 2 that was

Speaker 2 boundaries are not walls to keep things out.

Speaker 5 It can be. If somebody makes it a wall, where they disrespect your boundary over and over, then it becomes a wall.
Like, hey, I'm blocking you from my phone. Leave me alone.
I'm blocking you.

Speaker 5 But boundaries aren't walls

Speaker 5 to keep things out.

Speaker 5 They're bridges to let the right things in.

Speaker 5 That's in relationships. That's in marriage.
That's like, it makes it more beautiful. Me and my wife, we've set boundaries with each other.
That makes it more beautiful.

Speaker 5 I give her her time on self-care day. She gives me my time, my hours.
And we're better for our kids and our family when we come back to that.

Speaker 5 Do I want to, every minute of her life, yes, I want to, no, I don't want you to go out there, babe, but I realize that's what she needs. Friendships, boundaries.
Your work, boundaries.

Speaker 5 And the thing that I see is that so many people aren't setting boundaries or they're setting boundaries and not standing on their boundaries.

Speaker 5 So if you're the go-to person for everybody else, but you can't go to anybody, set a boundary. Say, hey, if you can't do this for me, I'm not doing this for you no more.
Unapologetically.

Speaker 5 If you're the person that's always being there for everybody, if you're somebody's 2 a.m.

Speaker 5 and they call you with all their problems, oh my gosh, then set a boundary. Hey, you know what? If you're not going to take my advice, don't call me no more with your problems.

Speaker 5 If I can't call you at 2 a.m., I call you. You sleep.
I get the do not disturb.

Speaker 5 Then set that boundary. And boundaries aren't a mean thing.
It's a necessary thing to protect your peace and to protect your energy.

Speaker 5 Because, as we said at the beginning of this episode, you don't give it an infinite amount of energy to use. Like, no, it's a battery.

Speaker 5 If we're honest, some of us protect our phone battery more than we do our soul battery.

Speaker 2 So true.

Speaker 5 So

Speaker 5 to bring this back,

Speaker 5 set boundaries and look at boundaries as bridges. And I think it will change your life when you ask yourself what you need.
Can I give him a three-step process with that?

Speaker 2 Please, let's go.

Speaker 5 Number one, when you're setting boundaries, first ask yourself, what do you need in your life right now? Write that down, whatever it is. Peace.
I need sanity. I need better friends, whatever it is.

Speaker 5 Number two, then ask yourself, What boundary do you need to set? Do I need to set that will lead me to what I need?

Speaker 5 Okay. The number three, which is probably the most important,

Speaker 5 why

Speaker 5 do I have to

Speaker 5 not want to? Why do I have to stick to this boundary? And this boundary is something that can't budge. And write that down.
What is it costing you? I like to call it opportunity costs.

Speaker 5 What is it going to cost you not to stick to this boundary? Your future, your peace? Maybe you're a mom and you keep saying yes to everybody else and you're frustrated now. Your kids get that?

Speaker 5 Maybe you're a dad and you're doing all the things and you can't be the man you you need to be for your wife and your family. What is it costing you? Because it's costing you way more than you think.

Speaker 5 Get clear on that and start there. You tell people how to treat you by what you accept.

Speaker 5 You tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept.

Speaker 2 That's right, Trent. And none of us want to see that, right? We want to blame other people.

Speaker 2 But I love that Trent walked you and me step by step through how you can think about boundaries and why you need them. And I'll tell you why, because your piece is worth protecting.

Speaker 2 And the thing that I keep thinking about over and over and over again, did you catch that part where we talked about your energy is a battery and that you spend more time trying to protect your iPhone and recharging your smartphone than you do protecting your own energy and recharging your own battery.

Speaker 2 And that's why I've come back to this over and over and over again. It's also one of the reasons why I love the let them theory so much.
Because let them, when you say let them, you know what that is?

Speaker 2 That's a boundary. You're drawing a boundary and saying, I recognize that this is not a situation that I care to drain my energy over.
So I'm going to let them.

Speaker 2 And the second part, when you go, let me, let me focus on what's in my control. Let me focus on what I want to say, think, and do.
Let me protect my peace and preserve my energy and recharge myself.

Speaker 2 That's a boundary too.

Speaker 2 And so I just want to thank Trent for giving you permission and showing up here with a level of urgency and honesty to say, you tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept.

Speaker 2 So let them and start focusing on yourself because it's going to make you a heck of a lot happier. And speaking of happiness, that brings me to the fifth person this year.

Speaker 2 I just find myself reflecting on this conversation a lot. Who am I talking about? Talking about Dr.
Tal Ben Shahar. Dr.
Tal Ben Shahar is a globally recognized authority on happiness.

Speaker 2 He's known for his groundbreaking research on goals, motivation, and well-being. And he also taught two of Harvard's most popular courses ever taught.

Speaker 2 And those courses are positive psychology and the psychology of leadership, making his work foundational in the study of happiness. He is also the best-selling author of eight books.

Speaker 2 That's incredible. Where he distills complex psychology into practical insights and empowers people worldwide to pursue a more fulfilling life.

Speaker 2 Now, he rolled into our Boston studios, and I got to tell you, I don't know what was in the air, but one of the reasons why I remember this, and you're going to hear it in the best of bloopers at the end of this episode, is the cameras kept breaking.

Speaker 2 It was almost like there were poltergeists in the studio. I'm sitting here with the world-renowned expert in happiness.
He's got a big smile on his face. Click, camera turn off.
Oh my gosh, we laugh.

Speaker 2 Click, camera turns off. Oh, my God.
It happened like 17 times. And you want to know what?

Speaker 2 He's the real deal. He just sat there smiling because he knows the meaning of happiness and he taught it to us in the conversation.

Speaker 2 And it was in this conversation that he revealed the major mistake that I had been making around happiness. And you might too.
Now, I think I'm like a very happy person. I'm a very optimistic person.

Speaker 2 And up until this conversation, I had been trying to be a happy person.

Speaker 2 And then he comes out of nowhere and shares this piece of advice. I learned that every morning when I would wake up and say to myself, oh, Mel,

Speaker 2 you're going to be happy today.

Speaker 2 I was actually doing something wrong. Check this out.

Speaker 3 Research done quite recently by Professor Moss, M-A-U-S, showing that if I wake up in the morning and say to myself, I want to be happy, or happiness is important for me, or it's a value for me, I will actually become less happy.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 3 That was exactly my reaction.

Speaker 1 That's a problem.

Speaker 3 And I read about this five years ago and I said, but that's what I'm dedicating my life to. Of course, happiness is important for me.

Speaker 3 And yet what the research clearly shows is that this will make you less happy. So does this mean we should

Speaker 3 kid ourselves, say to ourselves, you know, I don't want to be happy. Wink, wink, I actually do.
Self-deception is certainly not the path to happiness. So what do we do about it?

Speaker 3 Well, let me use an analogy that was very helpful for me in thinking about happiness. Imagine you go outside.
It's a beautiful sunny sunny day

Speaker 3 and you want to enjoy the sun. So you look up at the sun directly.
What happens? You hurt yourself. It burns.
It hurts. You tear up.
So looking at the sun directly hurts.

Speaker 3 However, what if you take a prism and you break the sunlight? And then you look at what has just been broken. In other words, the colors of the rainbow.

Speaker 3 Then you can look at the sunlight and enjoy it, but you're looking at it indirectly. It's the same with happiness.
Pursuing it directly and saying, I want to be happy. Happiness is important for me.

Speaker 3 That will make us unhappy. But if I break down happiness into its metaphorical colors of the rainbow and then pursue it indirectly, that is when I can actually become happier.

Speaker 2 I want to make sure you really understand the power of this metaphor.

Speaker 2 He's saying that if you and I stare intently at at something that we think is going to make us happier, like let's just say you're single and you just think, oh my gosh, if only I can find the one, then I'm going to be happier.

Speaker 2 Or if I can make more money, I'm going to be happier. Or if I can find a house to buy that I can, I'm going to be happier.

Speaker 2 That that kind of pursuit of it and this intense focus, it's the same thing as staring at the sun. It creates blindness, makes you miserable.
You see all these dots.

Speaker 2 That's not going to make you happy is what he's saying. But when you break apart apart the sun through a prism, it casts a rainbow.

Speaker 2 And if you really stop and think about the power of that idea, the sun is a singular thing.

Speaker 2 When you break it apart through a prism and it creates a rainbow of a full range of colors, think about the massive amount of possibility in that. That there are so many things that make you happy.

Speaker 2 That even if you think about the band of purple, that the band of purple in a rainbow, it's not just one color of purple. It's this just shades and different hues of purple.
What does that mean?

Speaker 2 What he's basically saying to you is, first of all, happiness is more than one thing.

Speaker 2 Happiness is made up of a bazillion different things that all come together to create this magnificent thing called a rainbow. Don't just stare at the sun.

Speaker 2 When you understand that it is comprised of so many things that are right around you and available to you, you don't have to go for it at all. You don't have to stare blindly at one thing.

Speaker 2 You can just welcome it in and appreciate all that's around you. I mean, it's just such a cool concept.
And so I said to him, because I started to wonder, okay, I really get this.

Speaker 2 And it's very much changed how I think about this. Because I can now have one thing that's going really badly.
Like I can have a horrendous day at work or I can get very sad news. And then

Speaker 2 because I understand that the feeling of happiness in your life isn't the one thing, it's actually all things, that I still have the space to stare off. at a sunset and allow it in.

Speaker 2 I still have the space to see my dogs dogs playing with one another and to smile and to allow it in.

Speaker 2 That it's not just the thing that you think that's going to make you happy, that you can be happier now by allowing yourself to be because it's all around you and it's in so many things that are right there.

Speaker 2 And so I was really curious. I'm like, okay, what does

Speaker 2 the professor who taught two of the most popular courses ever at Harvard,

Speaker 2 what is his definition of happiness? And so I asked him, and this is what Dr. Ben Shahar had to say.

Speaker 3 There are five elements to happiness. There may be more, but five main elements to happiness,

Speaker 3 which we call the spire.

Speaker 1 The spire.

Speaker 3 S-P-I-R-E. S stands for spiritual well-being.

Speaker 3 Spiritual well-being is about, of course, we can attain it through religion, but we can also find it through doing something that is meaningful to us, purposeful, purposeful, by being mindful, by being present, we experience the spiritual.

Speaker 3 That's one of the colors of the rainbow. So if I wake up in the morning and say, I want to be happy, I'll be less happy.

Speaker 3 But if I wake up in the morning and say, I want to find something which is more meaningful to do, or I'm going to meditate for 10 minutes now, that is an indirect way of pursuing happiness.

Speaker 3 That's one of the colors. So that's the S of Spire, the P of Spire.
That's physical well-being. Physical well-being is about nutrition, it's about

Speaker 3 rest and recovery, sleep, it's about touch, it's about

Speaker 3 what we eat that of course matters. So if I start to exercise regularly, that's an indirect way of pursuing happiness.

Speaker 3 If I eat more healthfully, the same.

Speaker 3 Then we have the I of Spire.

Speaker 3 I stands for intellectual well-being. That's about curiosity, about asking questions, about constantly learning, about deep diving, whether it's into a text or a work of art or nature.

Speaker 3 And these are, again, all indirect ways of pursuing happiness. The fourth color of the rainbow, the R of Spire, relational well-being.

Speaker 3 Number one predictor of happiness, quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. So if I spend more time with my loved ones, in directly pursuing happiness.

Speaker 3 And finally, the E of spire, emotional well-being. Emotional well-being is, first of all, about giving ourselves the permission to be human.

Speaker 3 In other words, embracing painful emotions that are natural part of any life, even a happy life, sadness, anger, frustration.

Speaker 3 Allowing these emotions to freely flow through us paradoxically actually leads to more happiness.

Speaker 3 So these five elements of happiness, spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional well-being are the metaphorical colors of the rainbow.

Speaker 3 And when we pursue them, we're actually pursuing happiness indirectly and becoming happier.

Speaker 2 I love that. I absolutely love that.

Speaker 2 I guess he must be one of the most popular professors ever at Harvard because I certainly learned a lot.

Speaker 2 And his perspective changed the way that I not only view happiness, but certainly how I experience it.

Speaker 2 While we're on the topic of happiness, let me just talk about something that can make you really unhappy. And that's not handling your money correctly.

Speaker 2 And it may surprise you that one of my all-time favorite moments of the entire year

Speaker 2 happened to be when I sat down with a financial expert.

Speaker 2 I absolutely loved getting to meet and learn from and spend time with the extraordinary Tiffany Alicia.

Speaker 2 Now, Tiffany flew into our Boston studios from Atlanta. I got to tell you, Tiffany's a genius.
Like you are literally going to learn you don't need discipline, you need automation.

Speaker 2 She is going to help you fight your humanness. She's going to help you figure out what are your wants versus your needs.
She's going to make you think about a budget like your mother.

Speaker 2 She is also going to tell you there's a moment where it's the truth time, tissues and tears, baby. But most of all, she's a realist.
She's been there. Her advice is hilarious and it works.

Speaker 2 So check this out.

Speaker 6 I want you to think about a a budget the way what I say is like how you think about like your mom, right?

Speaker 1 So you've got three kids, right?

Speaker 6 Yeah. And so if like, say your son's like, oh, when he's little, mom, can I have dessert? You'd say yes after you have dinner.

Speaker 6 Or if your daughter says, mom, can I go outside to play? Yes, when you do your homework. Or, you know, mom, can we? go on vacation.
Yes, if we lower this, this, you know, the light bill.

Speaker 6 So your budget is like your mom. She's there to say yes, when,

Speaker 1 if, after.

Speaker 6 So it's really a say yes plan, but one that's safely implemented so you can maintain the thing that you want, right? So you could call it a money list.

Speaker 6 That's what I usually start with because people hate that name.

Speaker 2 I like the name money list. What does a money list mean? A budget.
Okay. I love this reframe because I hear the word budget and I hear no and restriction.

Speaker 2 And you're saying. that the budget is how you say yes to what's important to you.
Yes.

Speaker 6 It's not there actually to tell me no. It's there to find the yes in the safest way possible.

Speaker 2 So for somebody hearing you say that,

Speaker 2 and they're like, but I've never made a budget or

Speaker 1 I've never stuck to one.

Speaker 2 I don't know what my budget should be.

Speaker 6 Like, where do you begin? Step one is to write everything down, just the words of what do I spend money on. Don't think about the month, just in general.

Speaker 6 So it's like, oh, the kids, oh, credit card, oh, grooming, going out. Like, just, I want you to just write the words.
Don't think about the money, just words. Okay.
So that's first part. Step one.

Speaker 6 Yes. Then step two is now you say these words on my money list.
How much am I spending approximately monthly? Some stuff you'll know, like your mortgage or your rent. Some stuff you might not be sure.

Speaker 6 Go pull out your bank statement and see on average the last few months how much you're spending on groceries or eating out or grooming or electricity or water.

Speaker 2 Yes. Or any of those things that you don't even really think, oh my God, I got that bill.
Exactly.

Speaker 6 So then that's within a month frame on average, right? So that's step two. Okay.
Then step three is to write down how much you make on average every month from all of your areas.

Speaker 6 So maybe you get alimony, maybe you get child support, maybe you have a job, whatever that is. How much are you making monthly?

Speaker 6 Then you add up step four, you add up how much you're spending monthly and subtract it from how much you're making monthly. I call that the tears and tissue step.

Speaker 6 Cause usually people get there and they're like, can I have a tissue?

Speaker 2 And should you do this with a friend? Yes. Should we call Linda? Yes.

Speaker 6 Get yourself a Linda.

Speaker 6 So so literally, so I, when I used to do one-on-ones, we would do all of that. And people would be like, okay.

Speaker 6 And then I would literally just grab a box of tissues and just put it here because I'm like, it's about the borderline.

Speaker 6 But you know, they added up. I remember it was a nurse.
I'll never forget.

Speaker 6 I'll call her Bea. And I came to her house and it was beautiful condo.
And so we did that step and she started crying and she was just like, I didn't realize how much over I was spending.

Speaker 6 And she said, as a matter of fact, I can't even afford the air conditioning.

Speaker 1 That's on. Can I turn it off?

Speaker 6 And I was like, yay, yes. So we sat with the fan on because she just turned on the air conditioner because I was coming over.
So I was like, turn off the AC. A fan is fine.

Speaker 6 That tears and tissue step allows you to see what do you need to do now.

Speaker 2 And so

Speaker 2 let's say you've done that, right?

Speaker 2 And you've made the money list. And you see what's coming in and what's coming out.
You're like faced with the reality. Yeah.
Tears and tissues. Yes.

Speaker 2 And you see that you are outspending every month what's actually coming in.

Speaker 2 What is the next step?

Speaker 6 The next step is I want you to categorize your expenses before you get to slashing and dashing, you know?

Speaker 2 Because that's what people want to do.

Speaker 1 I won't eat out. I won't.
Yeah. I'm never going to eat again.

Speaker 1 Never going to turn the lights on in this house. Light the candles.

Speaker 6 So I'm like, categorize your expenses into three categories. One, I want you to write a B next to all the bills on your list.

Speaker 6 So bills are, if you don't pay it, someone's going to come knocking on your door and say, where's my money? Right. Yeah.
So put a B next to all those things.

Speaker 2 And give me an example. I know that sounds like a basic question, but is your mortgage a bill?

Speaker 6 Yes. Mortgage is a bill.
Rent,

Speaker 6 car note,

Speaker 6 your credit card, student loans. So if you don't pay, you're likely to be sued.

Speaker 1 Think about that. Gotcha.

Speaker 2 Like when you were like standing at Walmart or Sephora and you're like, yeah, I'd like 10% off this. And then you're like, oh, wait, that's a credit card.
Yes.

Speaker 1 That's a bill.

Speaker 6 Gotcha. So a B next to all your bills.
Okay. And then, and those are really like fixed expenses.
So that way you understand, right?

Speaker 6 And And then I want you to put a U in front of any B that fluctuates based upon your usage.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love that.

Speaker 6 So I call these like the U stands for usage or utility.

Speaker 2 So your student loan does not have a U. Your mortgage or rent does not have a U.
But the water.

Speaker 6 Water. Electricity.

Speaker 1 So your usage.

Speaker 2 Yes, the data on your phone. Yes.

Speaker 6 And so it's important to separate those two because I want you to, you'll see that I want you to understand the level of control you have on these expenses.

Speaker 6 And whatever is not a B or U B, everything else is a C. C stands for cash or choice, meaning that you have full choice of how you spend here.

Speaker 6 So grooming might be left over, groceries might be left over, much eating out with friends.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 6 And so entertainment. And so now before you get to slashing, I want you to ask yourself, where is most of your money going? For many people, most of their money might be going to the Bs and UBs.

Speaker 6 But for some people, it's actually all the Cs. Yes.
So I, then we have to identify, do you have a don't make enough issue or spend too much issue?

Speaker 6 And so if most of your money is going to the B's and UBs, you might not make enough. So it's not about slashing because these are your bills, you know?

Speaker 6 But if most of your money is going to your C's, your choices and your cash expenses, then you probably have a spend too much issue. So now we need to slash.
Yes.

Speaker 6 You know, because entertainment and grocery and and all those things where your money is going. Because what I find is that frugal people want to get more frugal when things are tight.

Speaker 6 I'm like, that's not the answer. Right.
You know, that instead, I want you to put your energy toward learning how to earn more if all of your money's going to your bills.

Speaker 6 Because we're, what are we, we're cutting the mortgage? What are we cutting?

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 You know, one of the things that I worry about, and I'd be curious to hear your perspective, is that you and I both had the experience of being in college and it's that opening week and literally at the opening registration fair, there were banks with credit card tables.

Speaker 2 You get your Snickers bar when you sign up for one and then it's free money.

Speaker 1 But I worry a lot about

Speaker 2 the fact

Speaker 2 that in today's world, particularly for people who are in their 20s and 30s, that social media

Speaker 2 has become

Speaker 2 like shopping with a click. And you and I had to leave our house to go spend money back in the day.

Speaker 2 And when I think about TikTok or Instagram, every other freaking suggested thing has a shop down button

Speaker 2 and stuff gets sent to your house.

Speaker 2 And have you seen a big increase? Because you've been doing this for a while in people in the spending category, that spending has gotten so easy because of social media. It's always in your face.

Speaker 2 You always see what you're missing out on. There's an influencer that has the product for free who's like, this changed my life.
And click, click, click. It's 1130 at night.

Speaker 2 So do you see a spike in this?

Speaker 6 Absolutely. Overconsumption is the new way.
We all have so much that we don't need. I mean, even I, sometimes I'm like, Tiffany, you do not need like another, like you don't even vacuum.

Speaker 1 I'm like, but that one is so cool, you know?

Speaker 6 And I'm like, like, this is influencer who I follow who I love her because so aesthetically pleasing. Yes.
But you know, the ones that we're like everything in the kitchen is aesthetically pleasing.

Speaker 2 Yes, this is these Amazon shops.

Speaker 1 Like, yes. Click through to buy Amazon.
Yes. So I got this all for free.

Speaker 2 I'm going to make money on you buying it.

Speaker 6 A container for the container.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 It's like, well, who wants to eat cereal out of a cereal box? We want to eat it out of an aesthetically pleasing glass container.

Speaker 1 It's like, do I need an aesthetically pleasing?

Speaker 6 You don't. Yes.
You know, so it is really hard. So that's why I don't believe in leaning so heavily on discipline when it comes to financial like stick-to-edness.

Speaker 2 What do you believe in?

Speaker 6 That I believe automation, automation, automation. That's the new discipline.

Speaker 6 That if we can put systems and automations in place, it will help to safeguard you because you're human yeah so we're not here to fight against your humanness right you know i'm like for budgeting for example i do this thing where i call it budget without a budget you go to hr you say hey hr or payroll i want to split my money before i get my money oh so you at your

Speaker 2 company company level yes you basically say

Speaker 2 X percent of my paycheck is going to go into checking account. Do you have a particular percentage in mind?

Speaker 6 Well, the good thing is people ask me though all the time. I'm like, well, we don't have to guess.
Money list is right there saying, oh, hello. We know how much you need to put in here.

Speaker 2 You know, as I'm listening to her, I'm just smiling. Doesn't she make you want to do a budget? You better believe she does.

Speaker 2 And she's going to help you automate it because you deserve to get good with money and she's going to help you out.

Speaker 2 And so I hope that is an episode and that segment is something that you share with everybody that you love because everybody needs to hear it and it's fun to listen to.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 that wasn't the moment that just rocked me to my core.

Speaker 2 It was at the very end,

Speaker 2 after we had spent an hour and a half talking budgets and bills and bankruptcy and automation.

Speaker 2 I asked her,

Speaker 2 Do you have any final parting wisdom that you'd like to share?

Speaker 2 And I

Speaker 2 did not see this coming.

Speaker 6 Well, I don't know if you know this, Mel, but two and a half years ago, my husband passed away suddenly. I did not know this.
From an aneurysm.

Speaker 1 That sucks.

Speaker 6 And so one thing I learned from that, aside from the financial component, which is that we did, I want to say 85 to 90% of the things right. So I get to just miss him.

Speaker 6 There's not the financial ruin that so many

Speaker 6 women lose their partner and their home. So that has not been the case for me.

Speaker 6 But what I did, what my therapist calls the gift of grief, is that it gave me perspective of what's really important, you know, like that all of this that you're learning today is not for money's sake.

Speaker 6 It's for meaning's sake, you know? Like, I hope you remember to put that first and center that. Like, what is the real thing that you're wanting? To what end? Time with family, time with friends.

Speaker 6 you know, like purpose, whatever that is to center that and to use the money to match to it.

Speaker 6 Because because you might already have enough you know i didn't know i had enough i was like the driver like oh babe we could do this and he'd be like well i like our house you know oh we could get this car you know if i work even harder and he's like well the car's paid off i like our car his thing was always because i have a stepdaughter alyssa he would always be like well if list is good and you're good i'm good you know and it took for him passing away to make me realize that

Speaker 6 it's enough like i have enough i spend way more time with family and friends now, you know, like, so all that I work toward is to just bring back to center to enough. I don't need to collect any more.

Speaker 6 Like, you know, I'm so happy my book made the New York Times bestsellers list, but honestly, like, what does that even mean? You know, we're here for a flash in the pan.

Speaker 6 And how will you spend that time? And I hope you spend it like on the things that mean the most, connectedness, love.

Speaker 6 purpose and they use your money as one of the tools to help you achieve that life.

Speaker 2 You are a gift to all of us.

Speaker 6 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you for absolutely everything that you poured into us today.

Speaker 2 What's coming up for you?

Speaker 2 I just miss him.

Speaker 1 He was a really good man.

Speaker 2 He still is.

Speaker 1 And he's really proud of you.

Speaker 2 It sounds like he taught you something that

Speaker 6 he could not teach you when he was still here. So much, honestly.
Like I look back and I'm just like, oh, I mean, candidly, I said there was with so many women who are looking for a partnership.

Speaker 6 My husband never made over $60,000 a year. And yet, the way he looked after like all of us, I mean,

Speaker 6 he called my parents more than I did, you know? Like he would like cut my nephew's hair.

Speaker 6 When he passed away, there was a little old lady down the street who I'd never met who knocked on my door and said, I heard the gentleman here passed away. And I said, yes.

Speaker 6 She said, you know, I'll really miss him. He used to rake my lawn.
And I didn't even know that.

Speaker 6 But that's how he was, you know, sometimes I think that we think more money like means that we can do more. And he was testing that that's, you don't need, you can show up fully.
So I just,

Speaker 1 yeah, he just, I just, it's a lot.

Speaker 6 The loss is great, but not just mine. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And so like, I'm just so blessed to have experienced that kind of love.

Speaker 6 I was loved so, so, so well that even without him being here, that love still resonates like through me and around me and the people that he touched so it's just really fortunate

Speaker 2 we're really fortunate that we have you

Speaker 2 thank you for sharing that thank you you're welcome i um

Speaker 2 i feel very grateful that you are now my friend thank you thank you

Speaker 2 and the thing is is that when you don't understand money

Speaker 2 And you were going to make me cry. When you don't understand money and you're really scared about where you are, it clouds everything that's important.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Until it comes crashing in your face and you waste it. Like, you know,

Speaker 2 and you spend all your emotional energy in that shame. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you not only miss the solutions, but you're not present for your life.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Because it can like, you know, there's so much joy to be had, even if you don't have, like, it's. If you don't have enough for your basic needs, obviously, that's really hard.

Speaker 6 But for many people, that's actually not the case. Yes.
You know, that we are making ourselves sick and unhappy from a place of like, you actually have enough and your kids are right here.

Speaker 6 They want to play with you. You know, like, you actually have enough.
And your wife wants to like watch a movie with you. You know, your parents want to see you.
You actually have enough.

Speaker 6 And it's not going to be until they're gone that you're like,

Speaker 6 I wish I would have, you know? Yeah. And so, like, I'm fortunate that I, something in me, I mean, I believe in a divine power.
Like,

Speaker 6 and a year and a half before Jerrell passed away, it was like this sense that came over me, like, you need to spend a lot of time with your husband. Like, he wasn't sick or anything like that.

Speaker 6 I just was like, cause I just was working so much. I mean, my business had hit eight figures in a year.
And I was like, oh.

Speaker 6 And then something was like, yeah, making a lot, but also it's taking a toll. And it was like, I think you need to slow down and like focus here.

Speaker 6 And so I did till the last year and a half of our marriage went from good to great. And I'm so grateful that I listened to that inner thing that said Tiffany.
So we had like Friday date nights.

Speaker 6 I didn't work on Fridays and I would stop working at five because he got off at five so we could hang out after work. I wasn't doing that before.

Speaker 6 I used to work from like seven to 10 every day, regardless.

Speaker 6 And so I look back at the time and I'm so grateful, you know, that like he always loved me well and I got to really love him well in that time, you know?

Speaker 6 And so there's not much I regret other than I just wish he was here, obviously, you know, but I think about our love. I think about all the things that we did together.
That's beautiful.

Speaker 6 You know, so yeah but it's just

Speaker 1 yeah oh

Speaker 1 i'm sorry guys

Speaker 1 why are you apologizing no because i just don't want to bring the energy down you didn't you lifted it up

Speaker 2 you made it way more important honestly thank you no thank you thank you it wasn't just a moment that moved me

Speaker 2 Thousands of you took the time to write to me about it.

Speaker 2 I'm not even talking about the number of you that commented on it or that left reviews about that episode or shared that episode with the people that you love.

Speaker 2 Thousands of you from around the world

Speaker 2 took the time to write to me at melrobins.com.

Speaker 2 I mean, within days, they just came pouring in.

Speaker 2 Comments like this one from Jennifer.

Speaker 2 The last few minutes of this hit hard. My husband was a financial advisor for a large firm and he had a lot of similar philosophies as Tiffany.
My husband also passed away last year.

Speaker 2 When she broke down, I felt it hard. She is so right about spending money on memories.
I'm planning a big trip, an expensive one,

Speaker 2 with my sons because we've gone through a lot with the loss of their dad. It will be so worth every penny because we will remember it forever.

Speaker 2 Our family was so focused on saving and paying off debt that we didn't make those amazing family memories when he was alive.

Speaker 2 And I don't want to leave this earth without my kids having those memories with me.

Speaker 2 It makes you really stop and think,

Speaker 2 why are you working so hard? if you never stop and allow yourself to actually enjoy it.

Speaker 2 I will never forget

Speaker 2 that conversation with Tiffany.

Speaker 2 And it has fundamentally changed the way that I think about money, the way I think about the importance of memories and time with the people that you love while you have it,

Speaker 2 and slowing down and allowing myself to enjoy the time that I have. That rainbow that Dr.
Tal Ben Shahar was talking about.

Speaker 2 Because as I often say, there's there's an invisible clock that none of us can see.

Speaker 2 And so while you still got the time, I deeply, truly hope you choose to make the most of it.

Speaker 2 I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending so much time with me this year. It's such an honor to be together with you, to take walks with you, to ride in the car with you.

Speaker 2 And I do not take your trust or the fact that you spend your time and your energy with me lightly. It is one of the greatest gifts that I've ever received in my life.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to do everything I can to make everything that we do next year even more amazing than the topics that we covered this year.

Speaker 2 And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life.

Speaker 2 And one of the things that is extraordinarily clear from all of the experts and and the time that we've spent together this year is that allowing yourself to enjoy what you have is one way that you can create a better life right now.

Speaker 2 Alrighty. I'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, hold on a second. Here we go.

Speaker 2 Hold on a second. Let's save this for the, let's get started.

Speaker 1 That is a Buddha. That's water? That's a good one.

Speaker 1 And that's a Buddha centered on the pool. So you see it as you walk.
No way. And it's a headless Buddha.
Why headless? Because it reminds you to not get lost in your head.

Speaker 1 Mr.

Speaker 2 I don't really know what I'm doing.

Speaker 1 Well, having complete lack of knowledge is actually a benefit oftentimes because you're not restrained by other people's opinions. You know what?

Speaker 2 I'm going to actually use that quote. You're pretty cool.
I think we're supposed to be friends.

Speaker 1 I think we already are.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Okay. Tonight we're getting sleep.

Speaker 8 Tonight we're sleeping.

Speaker 2 I love that.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. That was, that's what you're pulling up top, right? The second she said that, I would have been like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 1 You know, like, amazing. Okay,

Speaker 1 this smell. That smell.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Are you guys ready for us?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Sorry.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 2 Our camera's rolling. I should probably wait in case I say something.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm on.

Speaker 2 Great. And as soon as the tele

Speaker 1 audio only, you know what?

Speaker 2 Do you guys have a cloth for these things?

Speaker 1 I don't know about your glasses. Always.
It's like, how the hell do they get so dirty?

Speaker 2 Do you think we touch our glasses a lot?

Speaker 1 We don't realize it. We do.

Speaker 1 Around the world.

Speaker 2 Do you hear that again?

Speaker 3 I think it was that one.

Speaker 1 That one. I think.

Speaker 2 I know you, you know, you hear that?

Speaker 2 We're going to keep going. I think that I found

Speaker 2 his did not turn off. That one did.

Speaker 1 That one did. That one did.

Speaker 1 Oh, Lord. Okay, this is hilarious.
Sorry if I should have stopped, but it's amazing.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 1 that was good. Sorry.

Speaker 2 Did it just turn off?

Speaker 1 Also, great job.

Speaker 3 High five.

Speaker 2 There we go. Perfect.
Perfect. Perfect.
Okay, this is great.

Speaker 1 Okay. Here we go.

Speaker 2 It looks fantastic. Here we go.
Okay, hold on a second. Hold on a second.
We got to go back up.

Speaker 1 Let's skip it.

Speaker 2 Let me just do one thing real quick.

Speaker 1 Okay, you're right.

Speaker 2 Um, will you take it all the way till after the break?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, just jump into there. Okay, you're the best.

Speaker 1 It was supposed to be it's a break there, right? Yeah, I thought so. Okay, I was like,

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's all you can say anything you want. I wasn't sure.

Speaker 2 Portal is open, baby.

Speaker 2 Portal is open. The magnet.

Speaker 2 Oh my god,

Speaker 2 Trent.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 That work? Okay.

Speaker 1 All right, great.

Speaker 2 I got to wait for my action, though. Action.
All right. Are we good with that? It's the garbage truck done.

Speaker 6 They're not done, but.

Speaker 2 We're just going to keep going. Okay.
Go for it. And

Speaker 2 go up a little bit more. I'm sorry.
I should say back, shouldn't I? Is that good? Is that simpler? That stuff like flies over my head when people start talking about that.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm going to do one more. Sorry.
Including.

Speaker 1 Okay, sorry.

Speaker 2 Go up one more time. Two million people to be exact.
Save million.

Speaker 1 Oh my lord.

Speaker 2 Let me go back.

Speaker 2 Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 6 You ever see like, what is that movie?

Speaker 6 Friday? No, what is it? Is it called Friday? No, it's the movie with Regina George.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I have like the worst like old lady memory.

Speaker 6 They're like, get in, loser.

Speaker 2 We're going to the mall.

Speaker 1 I can't remember.

Speaker 2 Of course, I want to know. Yes, but we're not going to the mall.

Speaker 1 Yes, Yes, yes, we're going to miss it. We're not spending money.
It's like, get in, loser. Yes, get in, loser.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper.
This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.

Speaker 2 This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend.

Speaker 2 I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Speaker 1 Got it? Good.

Speaker 2 I'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 2 Stitcher.

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