The Moth Podcast: Funnybone

Today's show is sponsored by Alma.

I know I'm not the only one who turns to the internet when I'm struggling.

It feels like there are so many answers, from how to learn the ukulele to how to improve my mental health.

But what I've come to realize is that while I can use the internet to strum a stunted version of La Vian Rose, when it comes to taking care of my mind, there's no replacement for real human relationships.

But even finding a therapist can feel like an inevitable online black hole.

That's why I'm so happy to share that Alma makes it easy to connect with an experienced therapist, a real person who can listen, understand, and support you through your specific challenges.

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Better with people, better with Alma.

Visit helloalma.com/slash moth to get started and schedule a free consultation today.

That's hello.com/slash M-O-T-H.

The Moth is supported by AstraZeneca.

AstraZeneca is committed to spreading awareness of a condition called hereditary transthyroidin-mediated amyloidosis or HATTR.

This condition can cause polyneuropathy like nerve pain or numbness, heart failure or irregular rhythm and gastrointestinal issues.

HATTR is often underdiagnosed and can be passed down to loved ones.

Many of us have stories about family legacies passed down through generations.

When I was five, my mother sewed me a classic clown costume, red and yellow with a pointy hat.

It's since been worn by my sister, three cousins, and four of our children.

I'm so happy this piece of my childhood lives on with no end in sight.

Genetic conditions like HATTR shouldn't dominate our stories.

Thanks to the efforts of AstraZeneca, there are treatment options so more patients can choose the legacies they share.

This year, the Moth will partner with AstraZeneca to shine a light on the stories of those living with HATTR.

Learn more at www.myattrroadmap.com.

Welcome to the Moth Podcast.

I'm Michelle Jalowski, a director at the Moth, and your host for this episode.

Human bodies are amazing, but let's face it, they're also kind of weird.

On the one hand, our bodies are this incredibly resilient collection of bones, organs, arteries, nerves, tendons, the most complex machinery around.

On the other, there's hiccups, blushing, goosebumps, wisdom teeth, our ears never stop growing, and we're the only species that has chins.

Our bodies can help us out, but they can also do us dirty.

On this episode, two stories that have a little bit of fun with the human anatomy.

First up is Jason Schomer.

He told this at a Twin City Story Slam where the theme of the night was tests.

Here's Jason, live at the moment.

She looked at me and said, see that red light in the corner?

Just ignore it.

And I looked at her and I thought, what?

And she looked at me and goes, yeah, it's just a video camera.

It's going to record you when you sleep.

And I stood there and I thought to myself, oh my God,

you cannot have the Ricky Martin dream tonight.

See, I hadn't really been paying attention when they explained the sleep study for sleep apnea to me.

And I didn't know that I would be actually recorded while I slept.

I knew that there would be sensors set to my body, but I didn't know that there would be actual video footage.

Now my love for Ricky Martin is a tale as old as time.

Boy sees boy on TV, boy buys boy's records, boy goes to New York to meet boy at record signing.

Boy meets boy, makes ass out of himself.

Boy is ripped away by security and never sees other boy ever again.

Now years later, Twitter is invented and I seize it as an opportunity to reconnect with the love of my life.

So I follow Ricky Martin on Twitter religiously and he always tweets in Spanish.

I don't know Spanish.

My Spanish is limited to the lyrics of Madonna's La Isla Bonita.

But I would see his tweets and I would love them and like them and retweet them because my heart was translating what he was writing.

He would write, yo voy a la tiendo,

yo compro doridos y leche.

My heart would translate it as, Jason, I'm in Miami, come find me.

But in reality, he was tweeting, I'm going to the store to buy milk and Doritos.

Finally, one day I tweeted, oh my god, I need to take a Spanish class so I can learn what Ricky Martin keeps tweeting.

Within an hour, he sent me a direct message back saying, ha ha ha.

I always tweet Spanish to English, English to Spanish, and sometimes in Portuguese.

That was a DM to me and only me.

Ricky Martin knows I exist, and my heart translated it to, as Jason, we're getting married.

So I'm now at the sleep study, and the images of Ricky Martin shaking his bonbon, singing, he bangs, he bangs, is dancing through my head as I'm trying to not sleep.

It was the longest night of my life when you're trying to sleep, but you can't, but then you're paranoid and you're scared and you're being recorded because I just keep thinking, this footage is going to end up on YouTube.

Sleep at me is either going to kill me while I'm asleep or while I'm awake by embarrassment.

Two weeks later, I have to go back and do the test again, and then we go over the results.

of

the grid and the printout with the doctor.

And it's this weird printout, and there's 13 categories, and they got all weird acronyms and weird kind of like titles and whatnot and then like spikes and lines and dashes and the doctor's looking at me and she's starting to go on about you know number one snore number two rem number three rura and I'm like oh my god I'm so bored just stop right like like I'm wishing I had day apnea at this point

Like whoa, take me now, awake apnea.

I can't get through this appointment.

So I get bored and I start skipping ahead down the line and all of a sudden I see number 13 and the word is arousals.

And I'm thinking, oh my god.

And so I start following the line behind it in the spikes and it's like one, two, three,

four, five, six, seven,

eight, and nine are back to back and I'm like, son of a bitch, I have the Ricky Martin dream

10, 11 12 13 14 15 16

16 arousals

I was impressed

I sat there and I thought damn son

play on playa like you know I was like I'm a Superman

So she's going down the list and as she's getting closer to 13, I start panicking because I don't want to talk about my arousals with this doctor.

And sometimes you use comedy as a deflector to kind of break the ice.

And so she gets to number 13 and she goes, 13 arousals.

And I looked at her and I said, ha ha ha, clearly I had the Ricky Martin dream.

And she stared at me.

And I grinned.

And she stared at me.

And I let out a little,

and she stared at me some more.

And I thought, oh god, do I gotta do jazz hands?

Like,

16 arousals.

And after an awkward, lengthy pause, she looks at me and she goes, Arousals.

That's the number of times you woke up.

And I was mortified.

And then I was really sad.

Because then I realized, oh, I'm not a superhero

down below

with 16 arousals in one night.

I'm just an overweight guy whose body's trying to kill himself while he sleeps

who will always love Ricky Martin.

But if that isn't live and love Vita Loca, Loca,

what is it?

That was Jason Schomer.

Jason is a stand-up comic and storyteller from Minnesota.

When Jason is awake, he watches Palm Royale starring Ricky Martin and loves every minute of it.

Up next is Caroline Connolly.

She told this at a Boston Grand Slam where the theme of the night was blessings in disguise.

Here's Caroline live at the moment.

I have always been a little afraid of my mother.

She was born in Cuba when Fidel Castro was in power and immigrated to the United States at the age of five.

At the age of 15, she was accepted into college and at age 21, she graduated law school.

By the time she was my age now, she had three kids and worked full-time as a lawyer.

In contrast, I have a medium-sized dog.

Now, my mom was not the kind of mom who volunteered at our school bake sales, but she was the mom who forced my school to create an entirely new Spanish curriculum for just me because she didn't think anyone in our small Massachusetts town could properly roll their Rs.

And when my older sister wrote a particularly dark, personal essay that prompted a teacher to call a meeting with the dean of students, my mother blamed the teacher for making the class read Ethan Frome, which she said would depress anyone.

And at home, her parenting tactics were unique to her Cuban upbringing, so sleepovers were considered dangerous activities and therefore were strictly prohibited.

In her mind, it was like, why would I give my child away to another family?

If Jessica's parents want to neglect her, that's fine.

She can sleep at our morally superior home for the night.

We will teach her Spanish.

And she would often punish us in Spanish with phrases like, quieres un mecataso, which means, do you want me to slap you?

Or, quere es un bofeton, which also means, do you want me to slap you?

And by the time I was in high school, I really could not stand my mother into all of her rules.

I thought she was pushy and overbearing, and she thought I was difficult and disobedient.

And we were both, frankly, thrilled when I finally left for college.

And I then spent the next decade working all around the country.

And I kind of loved the freedom from family that came with that.

But just before I turned 30, I moved back to the area for a job.

And the timing proved serendipitous when I got a call from my doctor that there was a concern.

A recent biopsy of my skin had found melanoma.

While it was caught early enough and removed, my lymph nodes were enlarged, and my doctor was worried the cancer may have spread.

I was admittedly shaken up and I thought of all the times my mother ordered me to put on sunscreen, how she warned me that while Cubans have incredible skin, I am also half Irish.

And so when I called my parents to tell them, I braced myself for a lecture and my mom let out this big sigh that I had heard so many times in high school, but all she said was, I will call you right back.

Now my mom had always cultivated close friendships with a group of women who were all from somewhere else.

Spain, Colombia, Pakistan.

I think in our largely white community, that is where she really felt most at home.

And within minutes, the friend from Pakistan, a doctor, had booked me in Ultrasound and scheduled an appointment for me to review the results with her later that day.

And when I arrived at the hospital, I turned into the waiting room, and the first person I saw was my mother, already there, waiting for me.

And as soon as the nurse called out my name, I remember she jumped up and charged forward as if there was no question she would be accompanying her adult daughter into the room.

And the news was good.

There was no sign of a problem.

My lymph nodes were enlarged, but my doctor said that could be due to something as simple as shaving in the bikini area, which I had recently done.

I know.

I felt this huge sense of relief wash over me.

I was okay.

And my mom was there, which was actually really comforting because while I am still a little afraid of her, she's also still my mom.

And just as I was about to respond to my doctor, my mom looked me in the eyes and said, I can't believe you don't wax.

That was Caroline Connolly.

Caroline grew up in Massachusetts and spent the last decade reporting for news stations across the country.

Her work has been featured on NBC's American Greed and Access Hollywood.

She lives in Boston with her partner and their dog.

That's it for this week.

If you like the stories in this episode, be sure to share this podcast with a friend and tell them to subscribe so they can take a listen as soon as it comes out.

From all of us here at The Moth, have a storyworthy week.

Michelle Jalowski is a producer and director at The Moth, where she helps people craft and shape their stories for stages all over the world.

This episode of The Moth podcast was produced by Sarah Austin-Janess, Sarah Jane Johnson, and me, Mark Solinger.

The rest of the Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Jennifer Hickson, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Marina Cluche, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant Walker, Leanne Gulley, and Aldi Casa.

The Moth would like to thank its supporters and listeners.

Stories like these are made possible by community giving.

If you're not already a member, please consider becoming one or making a one-time donation today at themoth.org/slash giveback.

All moth stories are true as remembered by the storytellers.

For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.

The Moth podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at PRX.org.

Martha listens to her favorite band all the time: in the car,

gym,

even sleeping.

So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live.

She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them.

Sort of.

You were made to scream from the front row.

We were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.