The Moth Radio Hour: After the Fall

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Speaker 4 From PRX, this is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm your host, Jay Allison, producer of this show.
In this episode, stories about healing: all the ways we manage to recover from the hard stuff.

Speaker 4 I should mention that because of the nature of this theme, many of the stories contain references to difficult subjects and traumatic events, so be cautioned.

Speaker 4 Our first story, an intense one, as I mentioned, is told by Betsy Lamberson at a show in Jackson Hole, Wyoming that we produced in partnership with Center for the Arts. Here's Betsy live at the mall.

Speaker 5 In 2006, I was living my dream life in Cairo, Egypt with my husband Tom. Tom was working as a teacher at a local school.
I was 24.

Speaker 5 I had just graduated with a degree in Middle East Studies and Arabic and I landed a job that with a non-profit that I was deeply passionate about. And it was incredible.
I spoke the language.

Speaker 5 I had this view of the pyramids from my office.

Speaker 5 And I truly believed I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.

Speaker 5 In fact,

Speaker 5 we were so happy there that we decided to stay as long as we could. And so I invited my dad and stepmom to come visit us from where they lived in Wyoming.
Now, my parents aren't big world travelers,

Speaker 5 but they were willing to come visit us because they wanted to see what our life was like.

Speaker 5 So when they got to Egypt, we go straight to this little village in the Sinai Peninsula called Dahab. And one night we're walking around and we're just looking for a place to eat.

Speaker 5 And all of a sudden, we hear this boom behind us. And we look back and there is what looks like a

Speaker 5 large firework fountain. And it actually takes a slight moment to realize like

Speaker 5 there's not supposed to be a firework there. And we're actually in danger.
And at this moment, my dad looks at me and he says, oh shit, here we go.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 we all take off running and away from it and we take one, two, maybe three steps. And then that is when the real bomb goes off behind us.

Speaker 5 And it is a sound louder than God. It is so sharp and intense.

Speaker 5 And the blast from it knocks me forward.

Speaker 5 And at this moment, time slows down to like microseconds for me, and And I'm hyper-aware of everything that's going on. There's this heat from the blast that warms my clothes.

Speaker 5 And I can actually hear like small bits of shrapnel whizzing by my ears in this hot wind.

Speaker 5 And then I can't hear anything.

Speaker 5 And I lift my head up. And I can see people screaming and talking and I can't hear them.
And then suddenly

Speaker 5 my hearing comes back. And I actually think, like, oh my god, this is incredible.
This is just like in the movies when they lose their hearing, and like,

Speaker 5 and

Speaker 5 then I look, and when I lift my arm, I have this tiny hole in my arm, and there's a stream of blood coming out, and I just fixate on it.

Speaker 5 And I think, oh my god, like, I just went through that, and there's this tiny hole in my arm. That's amazing.

Speaker 5 So

Speaker 5 I scan around to see where where everyone is and I don't see my stepmom and later we found out that she had outrun the blast.

Speaker 5 I don't see Tom and I look behind me and I find my dad and he's sitting there with his leg and

Speaker 5 he says he's okay, but his leg is in really bad shape and

Speaker 5 then he says, Tom doesn't look so good. And I follow his gaze over and

Speaker 5 lying there on the ground is my husband and he's so injured that I didn't even recognize him.

Speaker 5 And it's around this time that I start to get lightheaded,

Speaker 5 and I look down to take more of it in, and I realize

Speaker 5 that I am sitting in a pool of my own blood, and there's no way it all came from the tiny hole in my arm.

Speaker 5 We all survived, and we went, we started this journey from being medevaced from

Speaker 5 the Sinai to Cairo, from Cairo to the military hospital in Germany. And eventually, as we discovered what our wounds were and our medical needs were, we were brought to Denver,

Speaker 5 Colorado, because it was where there was hospitals that could take care of our needs and it was closest to our hometown in Casper, Wyoming.

Speaker 5 And along the way, we discovered that three bombs had gone off that night. They were carried out by radical Bedouin Sinais who were targeting the Egyptian regime.

Speaker 5 24 people had died

Speaker 5 and over 80 people were injured. We were the only four Americans.

Speaker 5 And the thing about being injured is that There's no going back to a normal life. And in fact, the term injured can mean an entire range of hardship and ruin.

Speaker 5 My stepmom had small shrapnel wounds and some nerve damage.

Speaker 5 My dad nearly lost his foot in the bombing and it took over almost two months to just stabilize his foot to a point where he could return home and

Speaker 5 continue his recovery.

Speaker 5 Tom was injured the worst of us. He was in ICU for a while and he had

Speaker 5 nearly lost his arm

Speaker 5 and the rest of his body was just like this mass of wounds.

Speaker 5 And I personally had the back of my legs, were just peppered with shrapnel. And there's these two chunks in my legs where there's just

Speaker 5 flesh and muscle that are missing. And we lovingly refer to them as shark bites.

Speaker 5 and so throughout all of this I

Speaker 5 I was dealing with it with in my like own special little way

Speaker 5 and that I was like obscenely positive and I wouldn't let any negativity in so in the hospital I kept saying things like this is so incredible and oh my god I'm so grateful what a blessing and

Speaker 5 So much so that I found out later the nurses had actually made notes in my medical charts, something to the effect of like, patient may not know she was in a bomb.

Speaker 5 But it was just like how I coped and got through it. So

Speaker 5 after three weeks in the hospital, I was wheeled out of the hospital.

Speaker 5 directly to the hotel I would now be living in and I had a pair of crutches and a carry-on suitcase and the entire world that I had known and loved was lost.

Speaker 5 And in the hotel that positivity

Speaker 5 started to wane as reality, the reality of our situation came like crashing down on me.

Speaker 5 And as I started to

Speaker 5 piece our life back together,

Speaker 5 this numbness kind of snuck in.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 then I had one thing to kind of look forward to, and that was our second wedding anniversary was coming up.

Speaker 5 And I really wanted to make it special

Speaker 5 because the last year we were at the Ritz-Carlton and the Sinai snorkeling and it was incredible. And

Speaker 5 I also wanted to mark everything we had been through.

Speaker 5 given the situation, it was going to just be

Speaker 5 flowers and gifts and some nice food to share with my husband in his hospital room.

Speaker 5 So I set out one day, I set out like mid-afternoon and I know there's some shops nearby and I'm gonna go get these things and

Speaker 5 I'm on foot because I don't have a car and I get to the shops and they're closed and I think like

Speaker 5 okay, well, what do I know is nearby? And I'm like, oh, there's there's like a Whole Foods and like Whole Foods are magical. Like they have everything and it's all beautiful.
And it was like perfect.

Speaker 5 And it was a ways away, but I was feeling really strong, even though I hadn't been walking very long. And I was like, Yeah, I'll do it.
And it was a hot day.

Speaker 5 And by the time I got there, I had walked probably over two miles, so I was super exhausted. And I get to Whole Foods, and I realize, like,

Speaker 5 oh, yeah, Whole Foods is just a grocery store. Like, and like, the food doesn't even look good.
Like, the flowers aren't exotic or special at all.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 I grab a bouquet and I decide, like, forget it. I'm just going to order pizza.
That'll be special enough. It's not hospital food.
It'll work. And

Speaker 5 then I go to the gift aisle, right? And I'm like.

Speaker 5 There's like yoga socks and like chakra candles and I'm like

Speaker 5 And I find this picture frame and it's it's fair trade and it's made of leaves. I'm like, great, that's gonna work perfect.

Speaker 5 So, I get the picture frame and the bouquet, and I call a cab to take me back because I'm too tired. And

Speaker 5 as I'm sitting there, I'm like taking in my surroundings of this new city that I'm living in, and I'm in a kind of a shishi area.

Speaker 5 Like, I notice there's this girl who's just having this great Cherry Creek afternoon. She's eating sushi and talking to her friend, and her life looks incredible to me.

Speaker 5 and while I'm sitting there I hear this

Speaker 5 and this is where I should note that

Speaker 5 our anniversary was also the 4th of July and even though it's the middle of the day Caddy Corner from the Whole Foods is the Denver Country Club and they have just launched a single firework and I take a deep breath and brace myself and I watch watch as this firework comes up directly over the parking lot and it goes off and every

Speaker 5 cell in my body is screaming at me that horrible things happen after that sound

Speaker 5 and I break down

Speaker 5 And the girl who had been on the phone with her friend sees me crying and she says,

Speaker 5 I gotta go. There's this girl crying hysterically.

Speaker 5 And she she comes over and asks if I'm okay. And through the tears, I tell her, like, I'm okay.

Speaker 5 It's just, there was this thing, and it didn't mean anything to anybody, but I was just in a bombing, and I'm freaking out right now. And

Speaker 5 she's like, oh my gosh, how can I help you?

Speaker 5 And she offers me a ride, and I take it because I couldn't stand waiting for the cab.

Speaker 5 And when we're in the car, I'm...

Speaker 5 You know, she asks me questions and I'm talking to her and it's kind of helping to calm me down and I'm telling her everything and I'm like I you know I lived in Egypt and my parents came to visit and they were also injured and she's just like oh my god and I'm like and my husband almost lost his arm and he's in the hospital and she's like oh my god and I was like and I live in a hotel and she's like oh my god and

Speaker 5 and it was like and it's my wedding anniversary and she's just like oh my god.

Speaker 9 Like

Speaker 5 this whole ride is like that. And we get to the hotel and she pulls up as close as she can because I don't want to be outside.
And I

Speaker 5 thank her profusely and I go inside.

Speaker 5 And all the fear

Speaker 5 and the terror and everything I never felt the night of the bombing just floods my system.

Speaker 5 And I allow it because I know that I have to feel it if I want to heal.

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 4 That was Betsy Landerson.

Speaker 4 At the time of this recording, it's been 16 years since the bombing. Betsy still lives in Denver and was the regional producer of The Moths local Story Slam.

Speaker 4 You can still find her there on the third Friday of the month in the audience.

Speaker 4 She works now as a parenting educator, helping families learn about the science behind parenting, stress management, and self-regulation. You can find out more about Betsy's work at themoth.org.

Speaker 4 After two years of survival mode and intense recovery, Tom and Betsy divorced. Betsy said that bombs are pretty hard on a marriage.
Tom went back to his passion of teaching overseas.

Speaker 4 He currently lives in Hong Kong. They remain friends.
Betsy's parents, Bruce and Cindy, were able to return to their active life in the mountains of Wyoming.

Speaker 4 After her father's limb restoration and recovery, they went on to complete a 50K trail race, the Grand Canyon rim to rim to rim, and to Betsy's relief, have even added a few more stamps to their passports.

Speaker 4 Betsy slowly worked through her healing, found her community, and is now a single mom to a five-year-old son.

Speaker 4 Betsy did get the number of the stranger who drove her to safety, but was too overwhelmed and embarrassed to reach out again. And the number has long been lost.

Speaker 4 So, Katie, if you are out there, Betsy would love to hear from you.

Speaker 4 In a moment, stories of the places where we find comfort-from a house of worship to a lingerie store. That's next on the Moth Radio Hour.

Speaker 4 The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by PRX.

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Speaker 4 This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Jay Allison.
Our next story in this show about healing comes from Sam Blackman.

Speaker 4 Sam told this at a grand slam we produced in Seattle in partnership with public radio station KUOW. From Town Hall, here's Sam.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 11 A 70-year-old Jew trapped in the body of a 10-year-old boy.

Speaker 11 That's what my parents would say about me.

Speaker 11 And it was because on Saturday afternoons I would walk by myself to our temple for Mincha and Marif, the evening worship.

Speaker 11 It was because when grown-ups would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said I wanted to be a doctor and a rabbi and a moil.

Speaker 11 All three.

Speaker 11 And if you don't know what a moil is, it's the ritual Jewish circumciser.

Speaker 11 My parents had no explanation for that.

Speaker 11 And they were were high holiday Jews, so they were confused by the depth and profundity of my devotion.

Speaker 11 And it was there because I really, I truly believed in God. I felt God.
When I was a little boy, I would close my eyes and I would visualize God. And you know what I saw?

Speaker 11 I saw the jolly green giant

Speaker 11 from the 70s vegetable commercials. And don't laugh because

Speaker 11 This was important to me that I felt protected. I felt sheltered.
This was 1980, the Iran hostage crisis and the Cold War, and Ronald Reagan was coming, so a jolly green Jewish God worked for me.

Speaker 11 But more than that, I loved being Jewish. I loved Judaism.

Speaker 11 I would go to temple on a Friday night, and I would sit in the front row, and I would sing my heart out, and afterwards, I'd run up to my rabbi like a groupie at a concert.

Speaker 11 And I would go to my regular grade school, and then afterwards, I'd go to Hebrew school, and then after that, I'd go to extra bar mitzvah classes.

Speaker 11 And my bar mitzvah, when I turned 13, was the high point of my young life because now I could be part of a minion. And a minion is this 10-man quorum that you need to conduct prayer services.

Speaker 11 And so I had God, but more importantly, I belonged. I belonged to something that was bigger than me, that was important to me.

Speaker 11 And for a weird, nerdy kid from New Jersey, this was a big deal.

Speaker 11 But when I was 15,

Speaker 11 my rabbi was fired for contractual reasons. And I was devastated because I loved Rabbi Kimmelman.
He was short and bald and wise, and he had this singing voice that soared to the heavens.

Speaker 11 And when we would talk, he would look me in the eyes and hold my hand, and he would let me ask an infinite number of questions.

Speaker 11 He was so patient with me because that's what you do when you're a good Jew. You keep asking questions.

Speaker 11 And now he's gone because of money. And this new rabbi, Rabbi Rogoff, he was different.

Speaker 11 He was tall and aloof, and he'd talk to me, but he'd cross his arms and he'd loom over me, but I could see him scanning above my head for somebody else to talk to.

Speaker 11 He redecorated the synagogue in mid-1980s, pastels and mauve.

Speaker 11 He hired a cantor. He outsourced the singing.

Speaker 11 Now, not long after that, my parents' marriage erupted in a conflagration of mutual infidelity, and both of them sought counsel from Rabbi Rogoff.

Speaker 11 My father, the doctor, the one who paid the Hebrew school tuition and made the annual contributions to the temple, he got the rabbi's counsel and wisdom.

Speaker 11 But my mother, the college dropout who had an affair with the plumber, was told she needed psychiatric care.

Speaker 11 And then one day I'm 16

Speaker 11 and I'm sitting in the back row of a temple that's now unrecognizable to me. with my father and his girlfriend.

Speaker 11 And for the first time, I noticed that in the middle of services, people will waltz in through the back, and adults will turn and look and whisper: who's there? Who are they with?

Speaker 10 What are they wearing?

Speaker 11 And I become aware that this is a performance, that the people here are acting Jewish. They know the lines.

Speaker 11 They're wearing costumes. They got the musical numbers down.

Speaker 11 But my teenage brain is saying,

Speaker 11 this is a show.

Speaker 11 And then suddenly inside, I'm falling, and I've got nothing solid to grab onto. Rabbi Kimmelman fired.
My parents' marriage shattered.

Speaker 11 My temple mauve.

Speaker 11 And everything that I reach to touch is plastic and I turn inside and I look for God but my 16 year old Jewish brain knows that the jolly green giant is just a logo on the side of a can of watery green beans.

Speaker 11 And this despair surges in me and I start to cry and I shoot up to my feet and my father growls at me, sit down, but I don't sit down. I run.

Speaker 11 I run out of the back of the temple and I run out of the back of the building. I'm like Benjamin Braddock running in the graduate and I run and I run and I don't look back.

Speaker 11 And in that moment I break.

Speaker 11 I break with God and I break with Judaism. And I pave over the ruins with three decades of science and medicine.
And in 35 years I never set foot in a temple

Speaker 11 until three weeks ago when my oldest friend adam invites my wife and daughter and i to come to san francisco for his daughter's bot mitzvah and you go because that's what you do when a friend you've known since ten calls you and for the first time in 35 years i put on a talis the jewish prayer shawl and i put on a yarmulke

Speaker 11 and as the rabbi chants the prayers the elenu the shema the kaddish

Speaker 11 the words and the melodies come flooding back to me, and just for a moment, I am that 12-year-old boy again, and it's all still there inside me.

Speaker 11 And when they parade the Torah around, I remember that you take the corner of your talus and you touch the Torah, you don't touch it with your hand, and then you kiss that part of the talus.

Speaker 11 And when my daughter gets restless during the services, I say to her, Here you can braid the fringes of the talus, which is what my father said to me when I was her age.

Speaker 11 It was like seeing that first person who broke your heart 35 years later and you go, now, now I remember why I fell in love with you.

Speaker 11 And I felt that belonging and I thought to myself,

Speaker 11 what would have happened?

Speaker 11 After the service, our daughter, who was raised with no religion, comes up to my wife and I. She goes, Daddy,

Speaker 11 I want to go to Hebrew school in Beat Mitzvah.

Speaker 11 Is this God?

Speaker 11 Because if it is, he's got a hell of a sense of humor.

Speaker 9 I don't know.

Speaker 11 But what about Judaism? I mean, is this a first date?

Speaker 11 Are we going to start seeing each other again?

Speaker 11 I don't know. But maybe, I think, maybe we can still be friends.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 4 That was Sam Blackman. Sam is a pediatric oncologist, cancer drug developer, and chief medical officer at Day One Biopharmaceuticals.

Speaker 4 In addition, he's an avid writer, storyteller, and baker of fine sourdough breads. He lives on Orcas Island in Washington with his wife Julie, daughter Annika, and a menagerie of pets.

Speaker 4 To see photos of Sam at his bar mitzvah, go to our website, themoth.org.

Speaker 4 Next up, another Seattle slammer, Paige Cornwell, told this story at an open mic event at the Fremont Abbey Arts Center.

Speaker 9 Here's Paige.

Speaker 12 I just realized I'm wearing my work badge. That's so embarrassing.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 12 So I am driving back to my childhood home in Leewood, Kansas, from the hospital where my mom is in the ICU.

Speaker 12 It's been another really long day of doctors telling me that my mom's case is really interesting and unique and disturbing and other terrible adjectives and they tell me we're not sure if she's ever gonna walk or talk again.

Speaker 12 So I'm driving around and I want to get my mind off of all this. I'm 26.
I just became my mom's guardian and conservator. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

Speaker 12 At least it's like a Tuesday in Leewood, Kansas. Great place.
I would suggest you all go there.

Speaker 12 So I look around at the strip mall and I see it in pink letters. Victoria's secret.

Speaker 12 And I'm thinking, yes, perfect. So I walk in,

Speaker 12 I'm wearing a black turtleneck, which doesn't fit in at all. And it's nothing like anything I've experienced for three months.
Instead of stale hospital food, it smells like innocents and angels.

Speaker 12 And instead of

Speaker 12 medical scrubs, there's like garters and brassiers and panties that say lit on the butt. So I'm like looking around and just, it's helping.
And this woman comes up to me. It's a woman who works there.

Speaker 12 She's all sparkly and tits for days. And

Speaker 12 her name is Tephani.

Speaker 12 And this bitch will not leave me alone. I just want to, you know, buy some sensible black underwear, feel normal again.
But she's showing me things with like tassels and furry things.

Speaker 12 and I'm like, girl, leave me alone. And so she finally pulls up this, it looks like three pieces of yellow floss tied together.

Speaker 12 They called it a thong, a cheeky thong, which doesn't make sense, but whatever. And she says, ooh, this would be very good for sexy time, don't you think?

Speaker 12 So I say, Tephanie, I do not have time for sexy time. My mother is dying.

Speaker 12 And I stop myself because it's the first time I've actually said that out loud. My mother is dying.
And her face falls, and she says, Honey, come here. And she takes me in her enormous bosom.

Speaker 12 And I'm crying because I want my mom. And I'm also in the bosom of a woman in Leewood, Kansas.
And this is not how I thought my life would be.

Speaker 12 And I finally emerge out and she says to me, Honey, your life may be out of control, but one thing you can control is your bra.

Speaker 12 And

Speaker 12 this situation right here, your mom would not like. You need a different cup.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 12 I look at her and I just start laughing because I realize this is something really small I can control. And maybe that'll morph into bigger things I can control.
Maybe we'll all be okay after this.

Speaker 12 And so she takes me around and I buy a whole bunch of things that I've never worn. There's like lace and satin and tassels and weird stuff.
And she's ringing me up, and I spent like $100.

Speaker 12 And I also got an angel's card. Yay!

Speaker 12 And I haven't used it since, but I think they're having a sale. And she says to me, Now, honey, you are a strong woman.
I can tell by your boobs. Those are the boobs of a strong woman.

Speaker 12 You will get through this.

Speaker 12 And also, I put in that sexy yellow number in your bag just in case you have time. Thank you.

Speaker 4 Paige Cornwell. She grew up in Kansas City and is now a reporter for the Seattle Times in Washington.
In 2015, she was part of the Seattle Times team that won a Pulitzer Prize for breaking news.

Speaker 4 Paige's mom recovered after a months-long hospital stay and now lives independently. Paige tells us that things are still difficult, but will be okay.

Speaker 4 And if she needs a reminder, all she needs to do is look in her underwear drawer.

Speaker 4 This next story comes from another Story Slam, but this time from halfway around the world.

Speaker 4 Amarantha Robinson told this at an open mic Story Slam competition in Sydney, Australia, where we partnered with the Australian Broadcasting Corporation ABCRN.

Speaker 4 But note that there is reference to sexual violence in the story. Here's Amarantha live at the mall.

Speaker 13 I've traveled to over 45 countries.

Speaker 13 I slept in an igloo I built with my own hands snow camping in British Columbia, Canada.

Speaker 13 I jumped out of a perfectly good plane in Argentina and I got my first tattoo in a dirty little shop in Cusco, Peru.

Speaker 1 I'm a badass.

Speaker 13 But one day I stood on a street in my own neighborhood, a street I knew so well, and I was shaking.

Speaker 13 I was about to walk into my local police station and report the most personal of crimes.

Speaker 13 I knew the only way I could get through this was just to think of it as another one of my escapades.

Speaker 13 So

Speaker 13 as I walked into the police station, there were three police officers behind the counter. I was relieved when the one who came towards me was a woman.

Speaker 13 As I walked up to the glass partition, I kept telling myself, this completely fits the description of what you know an adventure to be.

Speaker 13 The fear of the unknown, the spike of adrenaline, the pounding of my heart in my chest.

Speaker 13 I've got this.

Speaker 13 As I walked up to meet her,

Speaker 13 I leaned in, desperate not to be overheard, and whispered,

Speaker 13 I would like to report a sexual assault.

Speaker 13 She nodded and quietly asked me to follow her into an interview room just to the side.

Speaker 13 It was small and dark.

Speaker 13 There was a large heavy desk, a computer, and three chairs.

Speaker 13 Tell me what happened, she said.

Speaker 13 It was someone I knew, a man I was dating at the time

Speaker 13 what happened I I did not give my consent

Speaker 13 she took notes and then left the room I squirmed in that hard office chair wringing my hands together nervously

Speaker 13 she came back in to tell me that two detectives were on their way down she would start taking my official statement and then the detectives would complete it when they arrived.

Speaker 6 So

Speaker 13 I explained to her how it is that I came to know this man.

Speaker 13 It was in the traditional way, the way you would hope to tell your parents at a party.

Speaker 13 I softened a little bit as I recounted how wonderful our first two dates were.

Speaker 13 He took me to my favorite restaurant. We had the most romantic dinner.
And the second date, he packed a beautiful picnic for me in a park.

Speaker 13 There was a knock on the door.

Speaker 13 Two burly male detectives walked in and introduced themselves.

Speaker 13 I wasn't sure if I was able to tell a man my story, but it was too late now.

Speaker 13 One with dark hair sat across from me and explained that he would be taking over from the female police officer who was leaving the room.

Speaker 13 It was in that moment moment that I understood why only 5% of cases of sexual assault are actually reported.

Speaker 13 It's too hard, it's too painful, too awkward to retell it all, to relive it in excruciating detail, to tell it to a man in a small, dark room.

Speaker 13 What happened next? he said, as gently as he could.

Speaker 13 I closed my eyes and I pretended for a moment that I was standing at the edge of a bungee jumping platform, just as I had done in New Zealand a few years before, all this.

Speaker 13 I had looked down into the ravine then,

Speaker 13 with my familiar mix of courage and sheer force of will,

Speaker 13 I had stepped

Speaker 13 and felt myself fall.

Speaker 13 It was our third date.

Speaker 13 He had invited me over for lunch at his place.

Speaker 13 I had no reason to be wary. He seemed mature and sensitive, and I had already explained to him that I wasn't ready to be intimate.

Speaker 13 Now, as the words came out of my mouth,

Speaker 13 I was bothered by my own self-doubt because this story, my story, probably didn't sound anything like what

Speaker 13 this detective was expecting to hear. I wasn't walking down a dark alleyway alone at night pounced upon by a stranger with a knife.

Speaker 13 This was someone I knew, someone I liked, someone I was hoping to be able to tell my parents about.

Speaker 13 But he was also someone who sought the thrill of taking a risk.

Speaker 13 Which we all do. I mean, that is why, that's why we pursue and love adventures

Speaker 13 but this pursuit

Speaker 13 comes from a peculiar sense of entitlement

Speaker 13 where someone prioritizes their own pleasure over another person's basic well-being

Speaker 13 as I told the detective about the moment it happened

Speaker 13 I felt a surge of anger rise inside me

Speaker 13 as well as a fierce resolve.

Speaker 13 If that had been his idea of an adventure, pressing charges would be mine.

Speaker 4 That was Amarantha Robinson. Amarantha is a writer, artist, and performer from Kingston, Jamaica, who lives in Melbourne, Australia.

Speaker 4 In keeping with our theme, she said that telling her experiences is how she turns darkness into beauty and lets others know they are not alone.

Speaker 4 In a moment, our final two stories of healing when the Moth Radio Hour continues.

Speaker 1 The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by between holiday shopping, late nights, and all those festive treats, it's easy to let your wellness slip.

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Speaker 2 The moth is supported by AstraZeneca. AstraZeneca is committed to spreading awareness of a condition called hereditary transthyroidin-mediated amyloidosis, or HATTR.

Speaker 2 This condition can cause polyneuropathy like nerve pain or numbness, heart failure or irregular rhythm, and gastrointestinal issues. HATTR is often underdiagnosed and can be passed down to loved ones.

Speaker 2 Many of us have stories about family legacies passed down through generations. When I was five, my mother sewed me a classic clown costume, red and yellow with a pointy hat.

Speaker 2 It's since been worn by my sister, three cousins, and four of our children. I'm so happy this piece of my childhood lives on with no end in sight.

Speaker 2 Genetic conditions like HATTR shouldn't dominate our stories. Thanks to the efforts of AstraZeneca, there are treatment options so more patients can choose the legacies they share.

Speaker 2 This year, the Moth will partner with AstraZeneca to shine a light on the stories of those living with HATTR. Learn more at www.myattrroadmap.com.

Speaker 4 PRX.

Speaker 4 You're listening to the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Jay Allison.
This next story comes from Esther Messa. Esther told this story at our Moth Education Showcase.

Speaker 4 The Moth Education Program works with students and teachers alike to develop their stories, build community, and use storytelling as an educational resource.

Speaker 4 From the Bell House in Brooklyn, Esther Messa.

Speaker 8 As a kid, I was very carefree.

Speaker 8 I didn't care what anyone thought. I would do anything that made me smile no matter what.
But out of all my numerous unique traits, and trust me, I had a lot,

Speaker 8 there was one in particular that stood out. When I was a kid, I would always play these games.
And when I say games, I don't mean tic-tac-toe or I spy like every other kid at that age was playing.

Speaker 8 These games were my own personal games for me and me only.

Speaker 8 Like if I walked in a room, I could only leave if I left the way I came in. Or if I spun in a circle, I had to spin back around.

Speaker 8 And these games were so simple, but it satisfied this urge I couldn't quite put into words.

Speaker 8 Like I'd be in my fifth grade dance class and after everybody would do the spin choreography, I'd still be in the back trying to sneakily spin back around without getting scolded and labeled a delinquent in front of my entire class.

Speaker 8 It was like Simon says, well, if Simon says it was only played by one person, but still.

Speaker 8 Simon would follow me around during the day, giving me gentle nudges whenever he felt in the mood to play.

Speaker 8 And I never thought he was inconvenient. I was always able to brush these urges to the side if I really need to.
Like, Simon says, touch your nose. Simon says, raise your hand.

Speaker 8 Simon says, you did that terribly, and you have to do it again until you get it right.

Speaker 8 This was something that I grew up with. So I never, I just, it was so normalized in my eyes, and I never thought saw any reason for me to scrutinize over it.

Speaker 8 Things started to change as I got older, though. And I know that seventh grade is just a year that people universally never want to think about ever again.

Speaker 8 But my seventh grade was especially significant. And I mean, Simon went crazy.
He decided he was sick of these dumb children games, grabbed me by the collar, and said, let's play.

Speaker 8 These urges that were once so menial were now becoming restrictions inhibiting my everyday life.

Speaker 8 My once perfect transcript in attendance was completely and utterly shattered, barely being able to get out my door without some new rule being added. Out of the 180-day school year, 52 times,

Speaker 8 I had chose Simon over my own education.

Speaker 8 I knew that the words Simon was spewing at me were empty threats and nonsense, but that didn't take away from the fear and the fact that I had to listen to him.

Speaker 8 And in the end, it even got to a point where I wouldn't leave my room because I didn't want to play the game anymore.

Speaker 8 Obviously, my parents started taking notice that their once very peppy, an honestly overly energetic child was now quite the opposite, and decided it was time to get me professionally evaluated.

Speaker 8 I was brought to to this building across town, and I walked into this waiting room.

Speaker 8 The walls were white, and the ceiling was white, and the chairs were white, and the carpet was definitely white at some point. Honestly, I don't want to know what happened to it.

Speaker 8 And in my head, I immediately started comparing it to what I thought isolation rooms looked like in mental hospitals. And despite it all, this is when the real panic started to set in.

Speaker 8 Why would my parents bring me here? Do they think I'm crazy? And maybe I actually am, because honestly, I don't have any other explanation.

Speaker 8 and while I was sitting in that chair I just wanted to go home I didn't want answers I didn't want to know and I didn't want to be sick

Speaker 8 and when I was finally called into that room I was like 90% sure I was about to be shoved into a straitjacket but Instead, I was greeted with this lady who started asking me questions, you know, you don't normally ask someone within the first eight minutes of meeting them, like, hi, how are you?

Speaker 8 Do you ever have thoughts of inflicting bodily harm to yourself or others? Like, let's just like slow down for a second.

Speaker 8 And after waves and waves of uncomfortable questions that I'd rather not get into and like 30 minutes of waiting, I was called back into the room, sits down, she looks me in my eyes and she says, you have obsessive-compulsive disorder, also known as OCD.

Speaker 8 Girl, my room is the messiest thing I've ever seen. I have papers everywhere.
I have clothes everywhere. I don't even know where my homework is tonight.

Speaker 8 You're either a fraud or you pass with like low Cs

Speaker 8 because

Speaker 8 there's just, because I'm the most disorganized person I know

Speaker 8 the next 20 minutes were then getting spent that OCDs actually consists of two components there's intrusive thoughts and then compulsions with which follow which is anything to make that thought or feeling go away

Speaker 8 when my initial stubbornness wore off there was a sense of relief through me if this was something identifiable then this meant that there had to be others out there and this meant that I could be fixed.

Speaker 8 But that small sense of relief was very short-lived and very broken by none other than the internet.

Speaker 8 Once I started going on every website and sketchy forum that I could find, looking up symptoms, and throughout all that, I could not find ones that exactly pinpointed what I experienced.

Speaker 8 So at this point, I was like, okay, this has to be some bullshit because how am I not even normal within this category of not being normal?

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 8 I carried that thought and a whole bundle of shame with me everywhere I went. I didn't want to tell anyone or get the help that I needed because I just wanted to pretend it didn't exist.

Speaker 8 But in the end, I only succeeded in shutting out my friends and my grades were slipping.

Speaker 8 A few months after my official diagnosis, I was walking to school with a group of my friends and this girl who was new to my school.

Speaker 8 I only knew her in some of my classes and I didn't have any more than like surface level conversation with her, so I didn't really know her that well.

Speaker 8 But I was like dozing off in my head rather than engaging in whatever seventh graders talk about at 8 a.m. When I suddenly snapped back to reality when I heard someone say the word OCD.

Speaker 8 I was so startled, I initially thought people found out my deep, dark, and terrible secret, that I instinctively asked, why are you talking about OCD? in a much harsher tone than I intended.

Speaker 8 But before any of the girls had time to figure out whether or not I was being offensive,

Speaker 8 the new girl stepped in and she told me that she had exposure therapy later for her OCD.

Speaker 8 That was a big moment for me. The rest of that day consisted of a lot of self-control, trying to contain myself from running up and shaking her and being, me too, me too.
I had that too.

Speaker 8 But, you know, instead, I had to wait very patiently throughout my day, which I'm not patient. Okay, you have to understand that.

Speaker 8 And when the final bell rang and school was over, I was able to pull her to the side and have her be the first person I ever willingly told about my diagnosis.

Speaker 8 We were able to open up and rely on each other, and even though her OCD was very different from mine, just knowing that we weren't alone meant so much because reading a statistic online is so different from experiencing it.

Speaker 8 She helped me feel comfortable accepting the things that I couldn't control, and she pushed me to get the help that I needed.

Speaker 8 Even though it was a really long process, now I'm even at a point where I can think back and smile.

Speaker 8 And the truth of the whole matter is that there isn't a way to beat the game.

Speaker 8 You just have to accept the fact that if you and Simon are going to be spending this much time together, you have to learn how to get along. Thank you.

Speaker 4 That was Esther Messa. At the time of this recording, Esther is starting her senior year of high school.
She tells us that she's currently learning to play guitar and has a cat named Oysters.

Speaker 4 Our final story in this hour about trauma and healing comes from Bill Hall and a note that it is intense and emotional.

Speaker 4 He told this at our first ever Nashville Grand Slam where we partnered with public radio station WPLN. Here's Bill Hall live from Oz Arts.

Speaker 14 We were in our third year of frequent visits to a pediatric cancer center.

Speaker 14 We were dealing with the reality

Speaker 9 that we were going to outlive one of our children.

Speaker 14 As time grew short,

Speaker 14 we lay in bed with her, my wife on one side, me on the other,

Speaker 14 and we held her between us

Speaker 14 until she slipped away.

Speaker 14 She was just short of her third birthday.

Speaker 14 When you die in a hospital, they don't just wheel you out.

Speaker 14 They have a gurney and it has a false bottom in it, and they hide the body in there.

Speaker 14 I couldn't do that.

Speaker 14 We had never hit her from the world, and we weren't going to start now.

Speaker 14 I told them,

Speaker 14 I'll carry her through the hospital to the hearse.

Speaker 14 They said,

Speaker 14 we don't do that sort of thing here.

Speaker 14 And I said,

Speaker 14 I don't give a damn what you do. You're doing it today.

Speaker 10 They wrapped her in a blanket,

Speaker 14 and I picked her up.

Speaker 14 My wife clung to my arm tighter than she ever had before

Speaker 14 or since.

Speaker 14 We leaned on each other, and together we carried our daughter to the hospital,

Speaker 14 kissed her goodbye for the last time,

Speaker 14 and they put her in the hearse.

Speaker 14 Then we leaned on each other and walked back through the hospital.

Speaker 14 To this day,

Speaker 14 I don't know who was holding up who.

Speaker 14 When a couple goes through something like this,

Speaker 14 no one remains unchanged.

Speaker 14 One of two things happen:

Speaker 14 it destroys them

Speaker 14 or it makes them indestructible.

Speaker 14 Very early on in our years together,

Speaker 14 we were cast into the fire.

Speaker 10 But we did not burn.

Speaker 10 Though we didn't know it at the time,

Speaker 14 we were made of stronger stuff.

Speaker 14 The fire tempered us, and eventually

Speaker 14 forged us into one.

Speaker 14 I've learned many things from my wife through the years.

Speaker 14 I will never be as good a person.

Speaker 14 But by her example,

Speaker 14 I've learned to be a better person.

Speaker 14 But there was one lesson we learned together.

Speaker 14 A terrible day

Speaker 9 so long ago.

Speaker 10 When we're beaten,

Speaker 10 when we're broken,

Speaker 10 when we can no longer stand

Speaker 9 on our own,

Speaker 14 if we lean on each other,

Speaker 10 neither one of us will fall.

Speaker 4 That was Bill Hall. Bill is a construction project manager at Tennessee Tech University.

Speaker 4 He and his wife Lori have been exploring life and the world together for over 35 years, and Bill says he adores her. To see photos of Bill, Lori, and their daughter, visit our website, themoth.org.

Speaker 4 That's it for this episode of the Moth Radio Hour. We hope you'll join us next time, and that's the story from the Moth.

Speaker 4 This episode of The Moth Radio Hour was produced by me, Jay Allison, Katherine Burns, and Meg Bowles. Co-producer is Vicki Merrick, associate producer Emily Couch.

Speaker 4 The stories were directed by Maggie Sino, with additional Grand Slam coaching by Jennifer Hickson and Larry Rosen.

Speaker 4 The rest of the Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Sarah Austin-Janess, Kate Tellers, Jennifer Birmingham, Marina Cluche, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Inga Gladowski, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Aldi Caza.

Speaker 4 The Moth Education Program is made possible by generous support from the Kate Spade New York Foundation, Alice Goddessman, the Paul and Phyllis Fireman Charitable Foundation, Bloomberg Philanthropies, the New York State Council on the Arts, Con Edison, and the New York City Department of Cultural Affairs.

Speaker 4 Moth stories are true, as remembered, and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music is by The Drift, other music in this hour from Brad Meldow, Croca, John Schofield, Wolf Peck, and Todd Sicafus.

Speaker 4 We receive funding from the National Endowment for the Arts. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by PRX.

Speaker 4 For more about our podcast, for information on pitching us, your own story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.