Finding Pride: Tomas Davila and Ingrid Ebbesen

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Welcome to the Moth Podcast.

I'm Travis Coxon, Chief of Staff at the Moth, and your host for this episode.

In The Gifts of Imperfection, my personal hero Brene Brown writes, Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do.

This can feel particularly true for those of us in the queer community.

So, in honor of Pride Month, this week we're featuring two stories all about the courage to be your authentic self.

First up is Tomas de Vila, who told this story at our annual gala, The Moth Ball.

I was lucky enough to be there that night, and you could feel the room hanging on his every word.

Here's Tomas, live at the Moth.

So clearly, I was in the Navy.

But one day I'm on my ship, and I'm floating around in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and I hear ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Now, for me, that means that it's lunchtime.

So I immediately drop everything that I'm doing and I run to the galley as fast as I can because today is pizza pizza day

and anybody who's been in the Navy can tell you that pizza day is the best day.

So I sit down, I take my first bite and I'm sitting there and all of a sudden that's when it happens.

But Africa,

chief wants to see you in his office right now.

Shit.

See, no one goes to see the chief unless you're in trouble.

Or you're in big trouble.

So I get down there as fast as I can.

Knock, knock, knock.

Request for for shenanigan.

He weighs me in, I sit down, and I'm still trying to figure out like, what did I do wrong?

And he looks at me and he says,

we just received notification that your dad is in the hospital.

He just had a massive heart attack and we've arranged travel for you to get off the ship as soon as possible.

And the only thing that's going through my mind at that moment is just, not yet.

I can't lose my dad right now because there's just too much that's left unsaid.

And before you know it, I'm on a Hilo and then I'm on a plane, and I'm heading back to Po Dunk, Texas.

Now, it's been about four years since I've been back home.

And the entire flight, I'm just thinking about this tumultuous relationship between my dad and me.

See, my dad is this really proud Tex-Mex, like Vietnam veteran and self-proclaimed cowboy.

I was not.

My dad was this John Wayne with his dirty cowboy boots, and I'm clearly Alexis Carrington Carrington

and some fabulous stilettos.

Luckily I had some younger brothers to take the spotlight off me but when the spotlight was on me I took a lot of heat.

So when I was in middle school middle school I was a band geek and my dad would always come to our school events but he would wear his big cowboy hat and these really dark aviator glasses and all of my friends would walk up and be like, bro, your dad looks like the Terminator.

And I'd be like, he is, he is the Terminator.

You have no idea.

And it makes me remember this time when I was in high school when the friendship bracelets, those little colorful braided ones, they were like the big thing.

And I had one that my best friend John gave me.

Now, let me tell you about John.

John was tall and skinny.

He had this dirty blonde hair and the perfect farmer's tan.

And every time I got next to him, he had this perfect essence of downy and stetson cologne.

It really just, it gave me tingles.

But my dad saw this bracelet one day and he just started interrogating me, like, what is that?

Where did you get that?

Who gave that to you?

And I was like, well, my friend John gave it to me.

And he's like, son, you need to take that off.

Like, you don't want people getting the wrong idea.

So I did, but I would wear it at school.

And one day I forgot to take it off, and I come home and he just flies off the handle.

He gets so mad.

Didn't I tell you to take that off?

And I start to take it off and he's like, no, throw it away.

And so I just got mad.

I was so pissed.

But I did what my dad told me to do.

So I started to walk to the trash can.

And the whole time, I just have to will myself to throw this away because I can feel his eyes just digging into me.

And it's the only thing John's ever given me.

And I just throw it in the trash.

And I'm trying to hold back the tears.

And so I just put my head down and I go to my room.

But as I'm walking away, I mutter to myself,

I hate you.

So when I graduated high school, I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

And I was like, see y'all later.

I joined the Navy.

So now here I am, going back home after I've been away for so long, and I don't even know if I'm going to get an opportunity to see him again.

But by the time I got there, his heart surgery was already over.

In fact, he was already back to his old self.

He's trying to get up, do things he's not supposed to do.

He's fighting with everybody.

He's like, I can do it.

And in that respect, I'm very much my father's son.

But I had to tell him.

I needed to explain to my dad that the most important thing about me that made me me was that I'm gay.

Well,

like every gay little boy does, they go tell their mom first.

So I sit her down, I tell her, and my mom's like, no, you're not.

And she's like, no sabas que estás deciendo.

I'm like, no, mom.

After some banter, I was like, I know what I'm talking about.

I'm gay.

She gets really quiet.

She looks at me.

She's like,

you cannot tell your father.

You will kill him.

I'm like, okay, mom, like, you're being a bit dramatic, but

then it just kind of dawns on me that, you know, what if he gets sick again and I don't have another opportunity?

So I decide I'm going to tell him, anyways.

And I find this moment when my dad and I are alone, and I'm just like, dad, I have something I need to tell you.

And he's exhausted and he's clearly in pain and he's just staring at me.

And my hands start getting super sweaty and I'm fidgeting and I'm getting very upset.

And I open my mouth and nothing comes out.

And I'm thinking to myself,

I can't do this.

And clearly this is not the time.

So I just say, I love you.

And I want to pack my bags and I just went back to my own life.

Now, fast forward several years,

by now I'm still in the Navy.

And now I got promoted.

Now I'm the chief.

And I decided I was going to go back to school.

I'm the first one in my family to ever go to college.

And

thank you.

I got married to my beautiful husband, Zachary,

aka the roommate.

And we had our, we started a beautiful home in Southern California with our two little pug dogs.

And throughout that entire time, my dad and I would just have these sporadic conversations over the phone where we only talked about the weather and gardening, where it was just awkward silence.

And frankly, you could have counted all the days that I had gone home throughout my military career on two hands.

But when I finished my bachelor's degree, I wanted all my family there, my mom, my dad, and my husband.

So I had to tell them.

So the night before my graduation ceremony, I sat everybody down and I brought gifts because that's the way you break the ice.

And I told them, Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you.

And I was like, Zach is not my roommate.

He's my husband.

He's the person that I chose.

And all I'm asking is that you accept that.

And at that moment, my dad just stands up and he just stares at me.

And there's those eyes.

And I immediately just hits me.

You just told the Terminator that his son is gay.

So he starts walking toward me and I freeze.

And then he just turns and he grabs Zachary.

And he says, welcome to the family.

And I'm still like, what is going on?

And he comes and he grabs me and he just gives me this big hug.

And he just says, son, I've been waiting for you.

And I just started crying.

We stayed up the rest of the night talking.

And I shared more with my dad than I ever had in my entire life.

And I told him, I always thought I was this disappointment to you because I wasn't the son that you expected.

And I also divulged to him that

I kept this awkward distance relationship with you because I was too scared that if I came out to you, you would never speak to me again.

My dad just shook his head and he pulls something out of his wallet.

I look and it's a baby picture of me.

And he's like, son, you have always been my firstborn.

I've always loved you.

And I'm just so proud of you.

Well, after that, my dad and I talked every weekend.

And we talked more than about the weather and the gardening.

And he would ask, how are his grandpugs?

And we would laugh.

But one time he gave me some relationship advice, he's like, Tom,

treat Zach like I do your mama.

Just buy him everything.

So a little while later, when I retired from the Navy, he was there.

And Zach and I surprised all of our guests, including my parents, when we announced, tonight we're going to have a wedding.

See, Zach and I had to hide our relationship for many years because of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and DOMA.

And we eloped without telling anybody because we had already watched the repeal go through once and we didn't know if we were going to have this opportunity again.

So tonight only seemed like the best night to do this with all of our friends and family.

Well, some of my friends and guests were shocked.

My mom was pissed.

But I think she was just more mad at the fact that she wasn't dressed for a wedding.

But my dad,

my dad had the biggest smile on his face that I had ever seen him have.

And he just had it the entire night and we danced well into the morning.

And I just felt,

frankly, I know I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

Because that was the last time I ever saw my dad.

A year later, my dad was one of the first to pass away from COVID.

And because of the travel restrictions, I couldn't get from California to Texas easily.

So I had to say my last few words to him over the telephone.

And it was hard, but it was okay.

But all I had to say was, I love you

and goodbye,

because I had already had the opportunity to tell him everything else I needed to tell him.

Thank you.

That was Tomas Tavila.

Tomas grew up in Northeast Texas.

At 18, he joined the Navy and served as an electronics technician for 23 years.

Following his dream, he recently completed the post-baccalaureate pre-medical program at Columbia University and plans to apply to medical school in 2024.

If you'd like to see photos of Tomas and his father, check out our website at themoth.org slash extras.

Our next storyteller is Ingrid Ebeson.

She told this at a Twin Cities Story Slam where the theme of the night night was chemistry.

Here's Ingrid, live at the moth.

Thank you.

Hello, my name is Ingrid.

I am 15.

I know I look 12.

Please don't mention it.

It's my insecurity.

But the story I will tell for you today does focus on a time in my life when I was around 12.

I was just going into middle school.

I was just starting to ask those big questions about myself.

myself and when I got to the questions about sexuality, I realized that something was up.

So as I began to realize that I was in fact a lesbian,

let's go lesbians.

I also realized that I was a lesbian with a horrible track record considering that I had dated two boys and no girls.

And even though it was like like elementary school dating where you shared chocolate milk, it was still like a point of insecurity for me.

So I vowed to my little sixth grade self that before the year was over, I would date a girl.

So as I was going through my first year of middle school, I had found kind of my focus.

She was pretty and funny and we had a lot of we had a lot of classes and extracurriculars together.

So like, throughout the year, I start trying to build this relationship with her.

Like, I'm trying to sit next to her in the classes.

I'm trying to sit by her at lunch.

I'm trying to kind of sit by her before school.

We're not really talking yet.

I figured that would come after we started dating.

But this is all building to the moment where I finally make my move.

The end-of-the-year dance, which we pretty laughably called prom, considering it was just they turned the lights off in the cafeteria and an eighth grader DJed with a playlist on their phone.

But I was waiting to make my move that whole year and when that night came, that axe-scented night,

I started it off really well by arriving half an hour early and lurking near the front waiting for her to come.

And when she finally did,

I proceeded to lurk around her waiting for a moment alone.

It finally came.

She was out on like the dance floor.

So I slid up.

I said,

hello.

Would you like to dance with me?

I don't think she got that I was trying to like have a moment, but The reaction that happened next could best be described as a shitty baking soda volcano.

Like it almost bubbled, but then it just faded out and looked really sad.

Because,

because I would be generous if I was saying it was 10 seconds before I said, I'm sorry I have to go and ran off to the bathroom to cry.

When I got home, I wrote a letter.

It was a multi-page letter that I gave to her on Monday with a brownie.

That the gist of it was

I'm sorry that I'm in love with you

she kind of stopped semi-hanging out with me after that

reflecting back on it a couple years later I wish that I could say that my record is broken that I've dated more girls than guys now but if I had to tell the truth I would have to say that I still haven't dated a girl.

But I think I've learned something even more important:

that I don't have to.

That even if it hasn't been confirmed, my sexuality is still a part of me that should feel good and not be the source of my insecurity, and definitely not something I should write a multi-page letter apologizing about.

Thank you all so much.

That was Ingrid Ebeson.

Since sharing this story, Ingrid has continued to be both a dedicated moth storyteller and a dedicated lesbian.

Plus, what everyone really wants to know, she has been on her first date, and her date asked her out first.

If you're interested in more stories about growing up, you can always check out the moth spin-off podcast, Grown.

It features young voices, conversations about what it means to discover who you are, and of course, the heart of the moth, amazing stories.

That's all for this episode.

As we approach the end of this Pride Month, I'm left reflecting on the tremendous strides we've made, as well as how much work we have left to do.

To leave you with one final Brene Brown quote, let go of who you think you're supposed to be.

Embrace who you are.

From all of us here at the Moth, have a proud and storyworthy week.

Travis Coxon is the Moth's chief of staff.

On any given night, you might find him walking his dog along the Hudson River, calling cues backstage at a Broadway show, or cheering on Moth storytellers around New York City.

Tomas de Vila's story was directed by Jodi Powell.

This episode of the Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Janess, Sarah Jane Johnson, and me, Mark Solinger.

The rest of the Moss leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Catherine Burns, Jennifer Hickson, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Marina Cluche, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Leanne Gulley, and Aldi Casa.

All Moth stories are true, as remembered by the storytellers.

For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.

TheMoth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at PRX.org.

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