Embraces and Egg Timers: The Moth Podcast

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Welcome to The Moth.

I'm Emily Couch, and on this episode, two stories about nerves and pressure, from meeting a partner's parents to societal expectations.

First up, we've got Gabe Woods Lamanuzzi, who told this story at a Boston Story Slam where the theme was guts.

Here's Gabe live at the moth.

I consider myself to be a reasonably gutsy individual.

I've bungee jumped, I've skydived, both of which were immensely terrifying things to me.

But few things throughout my life have terrified me more, have really gotten my boots a quaking and my timbers a shivering, more than meeting the father of any girlfriend I've ever dated.

To start off, a typical male bonding has just never been a strong suit for me.

I don't know anything about cars.

I have lots of feelings and I like talking about my feelings.

Handshakes, utterly petrifying to me.

Just thinking about them is making my hands sweat right now.

And when it comes to the actual moment of the shake, I will find some way to just turn it into calamity, whether that be like gripping too soon or like sticking my finger, my pinky in and like tickling their hand or something.

Like I'll find some way to just ruin it.

I'm just, I'm a hugger, you know, I'm a hug-oriented human.

And when it comes to the fathers of girls I've I've dated, I don't know if it was just that I was born and raised in Texas, but some of them, boy golly, can be awfully intense.

I dated this one girl in 10th grade, and she was the oldest of five.

And I remember every single one of the kids.

I remember playing with them.

I remember helping her mom out in the kitchen.

But the only thing I remember about her father was just him staring at me, like glaring at me.

I don't even remember if this man had a body.

I just remember his eyes burning holes into me.

And I swear he didn't blink for like the entire eight months I dated her.

But you know, fast forward a few years, I go off to college in San Diego and I started dating, junior year, started dating this California girl, Sidney.

And I'm over there hoping like she's probably got some super chill, Cali parents, perhaps hippie-oriented.

Wouldn't that be a dream?

Incorrect.

Her father is from Queens, New York.

And when Sydney is giving me information about her parents for the first meeting, she just sort of casually mentions how her father will occasionally boast about knowing how to work around the law,

which is not a particularly comforting thing to hear.

So the first meeting is happening at a restaurant, aka a public place with witnesses.

And we're having dinner with Sydney's parents and her younger brother.

And we've dragged along Sidney's best friend as a sort of like emotional support wing woman.

Her father walks into the restaurant and I literally have to crane my neck upwards to look at this man.

If you had asked me in that moment how tall he was, I would have told you eight feet.

In reality, he's six foot four

and just a big, just a solidly constructed individual.

And he's over there ducking his head under doorways and I'm considering like ducking out of the restaurant, but it takes me two and a half steps to make up every one of his, so I wouldn't make it far if I made a run for it.

So I'm just like, I'm in it for the long haul, right?

I got to be there.

Dinner progresses, it's going all right.

Sidney's best friend is hilarious and entertaining and is taking up a lot of the attention just like we hired her to do.

And I seriously thank you.

You know, we're all swapping stories.

It's all good.

Although I do pay particular attention to a story her father tells about being so protective of baby Sidney that he chases away a home intruder with a baseball bat.

That one I sort of sticks in my head.

I don't know why.

And

other than that though, that dinner kind of goes without too much of an incident.

until the end of the evening when we're saying goodbye and we're standing outside the restaurant and I say, you you know, it was so nice to meet you.

And I raise up both arms and I go for the hug.

And yeah, this giant of a father, this giant of a man takes a step backwards and extends one arm out for a handshake and he says, let's keep it here for now.

And

cue my utter panic as I just like desperately try to salvage this situation.

And I'm like, oh, yes, sir, of course.

But my hands are already extended and hugged.

So I can't do the sort of like subtle wipe your hand on your pants thing before the handshake.

So I deliver to this man guaranteed the sweatiest handshake of his life.

And her mother takes pity on me and is like, I'll give you a hug, which honestly, bless her heart forever for that.

And then I'm still trying to kind of turn this into a joke.

So I'm like, Zach will give me a hug.

To which her 18-year-old fraternity rushing brother is like, I absolutely will not give you a hug.

And I proceed to chase this man, this young man, back to their car where he locks himself inside to get away from me.

And I'm like, give me a hug.

Oh, God.

Painful.

But, you know, I survived the night.

Night wraps up.

And a few months later, we're on a road trip up the California coast, going up north.

And Sidney drops me off with some family in Morrow Bay, and she's on to see her parents in the Bay Area.

And, you know, I'm feeling like I kind of have some ground to make up with her dad.

So I decide to take a gamble.

And before she leaves, I give her a hug goodbye.

And then I give her a second hug goodbye.

And I say, that one is for your father.

When you get home, give him a hug.

And then after the hug, tell him it was from Gabe.

And, you know, I'm trying to do the thing where you're terrified, but you're doing the thing anyway.

But I'm also remembering the adage of like, there's a thin line between bravery and stupidity.

And I'm wondering which

side of it I've sort of stumbled into.

So I'm staring at my phone, y'all, for the next three hours, waiting for an update on how this like Trojan horse of a hug delivery is going to go.

And then I get her text, and it says,

made it home safely.

He thought it was hilarious.

And in all the years since then, he has hugged me every time we've hung out.

And now, 11 years later, this August, I will be marrying Sidney Murth.

And

I can hardly wait to hug my future future father-in-law on that day.

Thank you.

That was Gabe Woods Lamanuzzi.

Gabe is an educator in Boston, where he lives with his forever gal, Sydney, and their cat, Jell-O.

Gabe remains dedicated to his quest for a lifelong average of 10 great hugs per week.

If you'd like to see photos of Gabe and his father-in-law, including proof that they've hugged at least once, you can find those pictures on our website at themoth.org slash extras.

In 2016, I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, was living back at home with my parents, and was generally in a state of limbo.

I tried my hand at casual dating, which I'd never done before.

I was on my third date with this guy I'd met through Tinder.

We were out to dinner in my town, and I invited him to come over and watch a movie.

I was about to text my mom begging her to make herself scarce so my date wouldn't have to go through the process of meeting the parents in the nascent stage of a casual situationship.

But he stopped me and said, it's okay, I'd I'd love to meet the people who raised you.

I nearly fainted.

He did end up meeting my parents that night.

I think I was more nervous than he was.

And six years later, dear listener, I married him.

After the break, another story about expectations.

Be back in a moment.

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Welcome back.

April Gulletti told our next story at a Seattle Story Slam where the theme of the night was deadlines.

Here's April live with the moth.

When I was about 10 years old, I woke up one morning.

I was covered in hair and blood.

And I went to my mom and I'm like, are we werewolves?

Did I kill somebody last night?

Like, what's going on?

My mom's like, no, you're not turning into a werewolf.

You're turning into a woman.

It was really unfair in my mind because both processes are the same.

I mean, they end kind of different.

But becoming a werewolf and becoming a woman is the same.

Like, you have all these, like, weird body shape changes and sizes going on.

Hair, hair everywhere.

Oh my god.

Like, and you're hangry and you're hungry and you're angry, hangry, and you are pissed off the world.

You just want to bite people.

Like,

like, and blood, so much blood.

It's terrible.

What do you, you know.

So, my mom, she does the best she can with the 10-year-old.

She gives me all the technical information she can.

Kind of

send me on my way with this, and then I got gifted, you know, the wise woman gifts.

They pontoon boat-size pad

floating out.

It's terrible.

Giant bottle of Tylenol, heating pad, you know, the basics.

There was one thing though she didn't tell me about because I was too young, and that was that I got an egg timer.

On that day, somebody took an egg timer, and they cranked it up all the way to the top, and they let it go, and it started going.

I couldn't hear it.

I didn't know anything about it.

Time goes on.

I learn how to deal with periods like we all do and we manage.

And then one day, I find a boy and I'm like I like this one I'm keeping him

this one's mine

and the minute I did that this weird phenomenon happened that I describe as a tinnitus of the vagina

my vagina started sending out a signal

to everyone in my family

and everyone into my husband's family and it was going, babies,

babies.

And behind it was just tick tock, tick tock.

And I really never heard this

clock going off behind me.

I never heard it.

And my husband and I had had discussions, actually before we got married, and had decided that we were not going to have children.

And me telling family and friends this was difficult, to say the least.

People's need to be in our bedroom was wild.

And when I would explain, hey, my husband and I have decided that we don't want to have children, well, then people decided that I needed to be convinced.

And they wouldn't try to convince my husband and I.

They would separate us, pull me aside, and go, hey, you're being selfish because you're not allowing your husband's name to be carried on.

My husband's family is Catholic.

That name will outlast all of us.

Like, then, of course, they're like, okay, well, if that doesn't work, then, like, well, who's going to take care of you when you're older?

Well, who's being selfish now?

That's not a good reason to have a baby.

You know, and then they would get angry.

And at this point, they're like, come on, just have a baby.

Your instincts will kick in.

Yeah, and if they don't, can I send it back?

So, you know, I went through this, time goes on, my husband and I have had these fights with everybody.

Next thing you know, we are 28 years down the road, and we've been very happily married all that time, and we have a 15-year-old hysterectomy.

And that day, 15 years ago, was the day that that egg timer stopped.

That was the day that the tone of the tinnitus of the vagina just died.

And it became real apparent really quickly that on that day the expiration of my value as a woman and as a person died with a lot of people.

And if I were to stand here and tell you that that didn't hurt, I would be lying.

But I would like to remind you that there are plenty of women out there who have never had children, who have gone on to do great things, two of which, Dolly Parton,

and

Betty White.

Now, I am no Dolly Parton, and I am no Betty White, but I can fix that.

Thank you.

My name is April.

That was April Delight.

April is a writer, comic, and storyteller who uses her sweet southern drawl to add softness to the bite in her comedy and storytelling.

From Georgia, April crafts tales of her southern upbringing, navigating the comedic chaos of marriage, early menopause, middle age, ADHD, and autism.

That brings us to the end of our episode.

Thanks so much for joining us.

From all of us here at the Moth, have a storyworthy week.

Emily Couch is a producer on the Moth's artistic team, offering logistical support on creative projects and the Moth Radio Hour.

She loves to work behind the scenes to spread the beauty of true personal stories to listeners around the world.

This episode of the Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin-Janess, Sarah Jane Johnson, and me, Mark Zollinger.

The rest of the Moss leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Christina Norman, Marina Cluche, Jennifer Hickson, Jordan Cardenale, Kate Tellers, Suzanne Rust, and Patricia Ureña.

The Moth Podcast is presented by Odyssey.

Special thanks to their executive producer, Leah Rhys-Dennis.

All moth stories are true, as remembered by their storytellers.

For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.

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