The Moth Radio Hour: Lo and Behold!

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Speaker 6 From PRX, this is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm your host, Michelle Jalowski.

Speaker 6 As a kid, I remember being surprised all the time. I had my mind blown on a regular basis.
But as I get older and arguably more dated about the world, the less things seem to shock me.

Speaker 6 But surprises are important. They add curiosity and wonder and excitement to the world.
Surprises make us vulnerable. They make us say, I didn't know this would happen or I was not prepared for this.

Speaker 6 But if we knew everything all along, how interesting would life be really?

Speaker 6 In this hour, stories of surprises, good and bad.

Speaker 6 Our first story, shared at one of our open mic story slams in Pittsburgh, where we partnered with public radio station WESA, definitely made life interesting for our storyteller.

Speaker 6 Live from the Rex Theater, here is Jesse. Last name redacted to protect the innocent.

Speaker 8 Hello.

Speaker 9 So my junior year of college, I studied abroad halfway across the world in Kathmandu, Nepal. And my boyfriend at the time was in Washington, D.C.

Speaker 9 So we had never been apart for this long before. We were trying to keep in touch via email and shoddy phone connections.
And about four months into my time in Nepal, he was turning 21.

Speaker 9 And I wanted to sort of do something special so that that we could kind of feel closer together and I thought what could I send my boyfriend from halfway across the world that like over the internet that would make us feel closer together

Speaker 9 you know and so

Speaker 9 my my Nepali roommate who had probably never held hands with a boy before we lived in like a five by ten room together went out of town

Speaker 9 about two weeks before his birthday I very handily used the self-timer on my camera to take some choice photos and I put them in a hidden folder on my computer.

Speaker 9 Now for those of you who don't regularly use hidden folders, this is a mechanism whereby you can have an invisible folder on your computer. So when you don't want people to see it, they can't.

Speaker 9 It's very clever. And I put the photos in the hidden folder.
About a week later,

Speaker 9 his birthday came. I sent him the photos.

Speaker 9 About a month later, I come home from Nepal, and about a month after that, my family went on our annual trip to Lost River State Park, West Virginia, where we, every year from the time I was born, go and hang out with two other families, and we play croquet, and we play games, and it's very wholesome.

Speaker 9 And

Speaker 9 our first morning in Lost River, Everybody is over at our house for breakfast and we're eating pancakes and we're catching up on the year and breakfast breakfast is winding down.

Speaker 9 I'm playing everyone music on my laptop, and everyone starts watching my slideshow of Nepal Pictures, which was my screensaver at the time.

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 8 I

Speaker 9 am washing the dishes, and I'm like, honestly, I'm feeling kind of smug. I'm like,

Speaker 9 here's Mount Everest, and whatever. And

Speaker 9 all of a sudden, the room just goes silent, and a woman goes,

Speaker 9 Oh my god, Jesse.

Speaker 9 And I look over, and like, there I am in all my glory, and this is like men and women and

Speaker 9 I

Speaker 9 have never moved so fast in my life.

Speaker 8 I mean like

Speaker 9 you don't even like you can't possibly imagine the like heat and the red and like you can't. And I like

Speaker 9 I slammed the laptop shut and I'm just like, and everybody sort of handled this differently.

Speaker 9 The men who I wasn't related to like just left as quickly as humanly possible.

Speaker 9 One of the younger girls was like, Oh, is that some sort of Nepali tradition?

Speaker 9 I was just, you know, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never make eye contact with anyone ever again. And

Speaker 9 my dad actually came up to me afterwards to ask me, So, so, what was the deal with those pictures?

Speaker 9 To which I responded, like, I never want to talk, never want to talk about this.

Speaker 9 Yeah, so there was a really,

Speaker 9 really long time where I never told anyone this story. Like, I was just so embarrassed that I just couldn't imagine telling anyone.
And I...

Speaker 9 I still go back to Lost River State Park every year, and I still have this horrible fear that somebody's going to think enough time has passed. It's like, remember that time we saw Jesse naked?

Speaker 9 But

Speaker 9 what I've realized over six years is that while storytelling really does keep you connected to the past, it also has a way of giving you some much-needed distance from it.

Speaker 9 And I also learned that hidden folders are not as hidden as you think they are.

Speaker 8 Thank you.

Speaker 6 When I asked Jessie how she feels about this experience these days, she said she's able to see this as a funny story now, but she still sometimes flashes back to the moment and physically cringes.

Speaker 6 In her words, a level of embarrassment I hope I never have to experience again.

Speaker 6 It's been 17 years since the events in the story, and Jessie is married now with two young children of her own. And she plans to teach them excellent technology privacy skills when they get older.

Speaker 6 Next up, a phone call brings a shocking discovery.

Speaker 6 This story comes from Kat Powell Hoffman, who shared it at a main stage we produced in Portland, Oregon, where we partnered with Portland Literary Arts. Here's Kat.

Speaker 10 When I was a kid, I used to envy my older brothers. They looked so much like my parents.
One brother had our dad's carrot-colored hair, and the other one had our mom's saucer-sized eyes.

Speaker 10 I remember wondering if they would inherit our dad's receding hairline. But that was just wishful thinking.

Speaker 10 My sister and I looked nothing like each other or our parents, but we did share one thing in common. We were both adopted from South Korea.

Speaker 10 We aren't blood related, but that didn't matter because she was my big sister and I idolized her. Well, sometimes.

Speaker 10 Aside from the diversity, my family was as normal as any other family. But there were times that I felt lonely, like there was this emptiness inside that I couldn't shake.

Speaker 10 And even with three other divas, I mean siblings, I couldn't make it go away.

Speaker 10 Every now and then, I would think about my birth mother.

Speaker 2 Did I look like her?

Speaker 10 Did she miss me? Was she even alive?

Speaker 10 I knew these questions would go unanswered because my adoption papers only had one origin for me, and that was abandoned at birth.

Speaker 10 So, anyways, I grew up and I had a son. I had no idea I could fall in love with someone so instantly, so fiercely.
But what surprised me was his hands,

Speaker 10 his nose, his eyes. He looked like me.
This was such a foreign thing for me, but it also felt so natural. I had someone I could look at and see myself.
but so could he

Speaker 10 so years go by and i don't feel feel lonely anymore. I have a family of my own to care for and that was enough for me.

Speaker 10 It was like all the puzzle pieces just fit.

Speaker 10 But then in the summer of 2011, when I was 38 years old, I got an email from a lady with an adoption agency. My adoption agency.
She was looking for someone with my name. I felt skeptical.

Speaker 10 Was this a scam? So I grilled her for more context because none of this made any sense. As far as I knew, I was abandoned at birth.

Speaker 10 The lady from the emails was able to tell me that there was family, but she needed to verify that it was really me.

Speaker 10 So after a battery of emails, confirming this and confirming that, we scheduled a call.

Speaker 10 The first thing she says is:

Speaker 10 Are you sitting down?

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 10 You're not driving a a car.

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 10 My heart is pounding so hard right now. What is she going to tell me?

Speaker 10 She continues.

Speaker 10 Well, good.

Speaker 10 I'm happy to tell you that you have family from South Korea. They've been searching for you for years.
Your mother is alive and well. I'm so sorry your father passed away from lung cancer.

Speaker 10 You have two younger brothers and

Speaker 10 you have a twin sister.

Speaker 10 The only thing I could say was, Oh my god.

Speaker 10 But in my head, I'm screaming, Holy shit!

Speaker 10 I have a twin.

Speaker 10 I couldn't really talk after that. I was crying.
It was the kind of crying that stings your brain, the kind of crying that makes your nostrils feel like you just sucked up a gallon of pool water.

Speaker 10 The puzzle pieces didn't fit anymore.

Speaker 10 You know, to learn this

Speaker 10 late in life, it made me sad. It made me sad that I missed all these years without my twin.

Speaker 10 So, shortly after the call, the lady from the email forwards two letters from my birth mother and my twin. They both echo the same sentiment.
I've missed you.

Speaker 10 I thought of my son at that moment. When he was born, the instinct to keep him close, to protect him, was as easy as breathing.

Speaker 10 I remember once he asked me what true love was, and I told him, for me, it's when I die for it. I can't imagine anyone giving up their baby.
But if they had to, it must have felt like dying.

Speaker 10 So it turns out, Okay, stay with me here because it's kind of confusing, but so it turns out that my birth father's older sister, who would be my aunt, was the one who insisted that I go to an orphanage.

Speaker 10 In fact, she's the one that took me there.

Speaker 10 You see, in Korea, you obey your elders, and my aunt was the matriarch of the family.

Speaker 10 So I would be the secret nobody was supposed to know about, not even my twin.

Speaker 10 A reunion was arranged two months later at the corporate headquarters in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Speaker 10 My birth mother and her second husband were coming, along with my twin and her family. My parents couldn't make it, so I took myself, my son, and two of my closest friends.

Speaker 10 On the day of the reunion, we drive to the adoption agency.

Speaker 10 The lady from the emails is waiting, and so is my Korean family, but they're tucked away in a conference room.

Speaker 10 It felt like I was on on some kind of game show where nobody is allowed to see each other until the big reveal.

Speaker 10 The lady from the emails ushers my two friends into the conference room first, and then she tells me and my son to wait a few minutes before we enter.

Speaker 10 I turn a brass handle, and I open a conference room door.

Speaker 10 At first, it's so quiet in there. And then I heard gasps.

Speaker 10 Suddenly, two women are running towards me, arms outstretched with tears in their eyes, And the only thing I can do is put my hand over my heart as if to anchor it.

Speaker 10 As soon as I saw my twin, I gravitated towards her.

Speaker 10 It was crazy looking at her. It was like looking at a stranger, but with my face.
We shared the same features, the same hand gestures, even the same laugh. She was the spitting image of me.

Speaker 10 Well, with less makeup.

Speaker 10 And,

Speaker 10 you know, even though we just met, she felt like home. She felt familiar.

Speaker 10 The first words my birth mother said to me were, Myon Hei, which means, I'm sorry in Korean.

Speaker 10 And then she says, so long he, which means, I love you in Korean.

Speaker 10 After that, she turns to my twin and tells her that she loves her too.

Speaker 10 We spent a few hours in that conference room. There was a translator in in there to help us communicate because my twin, she could speak a little English, but not a lot, and my birth mother knew none.

Speaker 10 I would learn to call my birth mother Oma and my birth father Apa.

Speaker 10 I also learned my twin's first name, Jin-hee.

Speaker 10 I think this reunion was healing for my family, my Korean family. Like it gave them a sense of closure.

Speaker 10 But especially for Jin-hee.

Speaker 10 You see, when Oma turned to my twin and told her that she loved her,

Speaker 10 that was the first time Jinhee had ever heard those words because my birth mother, Oma, didn't feel right telling one twin that she loved her without telling the other one.

Speaker 10 And that broke my heart. Because I already felt protective of my twin, Jinhee.

Speaker 10 And here's the thing that I've learned about family.

Speaker 10 My family here taught me that you don't need blood to feel connected. And my family in Korea taught me just how much culture and resilience is in my blood.

Speaker 10 I have visited South Korea three times.

Speaker 10 On one of those visits, I spent the day with my twin.

Speaker 10 It was late afternoon. and we're sitting next to each other on the rooftop of our high-rise apartment building.
Nothing is said at first.

Speaker 10 We just sit there watching a lavender and gold sky wilt into the ground. It was almost as if it was grieving for all those yesterdays.

Speaker 10 Then my twin turns to me and whispers,

Speaker 10 I wish we could have grown up together.

Speaker 10 And it was at that moment that I imagined us in another reality.

Speaker 10 We're sitting on the rooftop watching the sunset, but this time we're little girls.

Speaker 10 And I think about that because

Speaker 10 really when you think about it, we still have so much time to grow up together. Thank you.

Speaker 6 Pat Paul Hoffman is a writer from the Pacific Northwest, and she's currently working on a book of essays about adoption, love, midlife, family, and retail sales.

Speaker 6 We asked Kat if she had learned any more about why she was placed for adoption.

Speaker 6 She said she heard a rumor that it was a cultural superstition in the 70s that twins were bad luck, but she hopes she'll learn more details in time.

Speaker 6 Kat said her favorite memories of her biological family are with her birth mother. She wrote, the first time we shared a meal together, she hand-fed me.

Speaker 6 The first time I showered in her home, she combed my wet hair afterward and then ran a blow dryer over it. She was recreating moments she never got to have with me before.

Speaker 6 To see a picture of Kat with her mom and twin sister, visit themoth.org, where you can also download the story or pitch one of your own.

Speaker 6 In a moment, a music producer makes it big, sort of, when the moth radio hour continues.

Speaker 14 The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by PRX.

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Speaker 6 You're listening to the Moth Radio Hour. I'm your host, Michelle Jalaski.
A few weeks ago, a friend asked if she could set me up on a blind date. She had a feeling about this guy.

Speaker 6 I said, okay, she gave him my number. We texted and made a date.

Speaker 6 She had asked if I wanted his full name so I could Google him or if I wanted a picture, and I said no, because I figured why not go all in.

Speaker 6 As a veteran of the online dating world and the IRL dating world before that, I haven't gone into a date not knowing what someone will look like, maybe ever. And it's fun.

Speaker 6 The anticipation of a small surprise, it's kind of the best part of a surprise. A little bit of drama without any of the stakes.
I'm meeting him next Friday. Wish me luck.

Speaker 6 Not all surprises allow you time for anticipation, though. Like in the case of our next storyteller, Paul Chin.

Speaker 6 He told this story at a main stage in Canada where we partner with the Toronto International Festival of Authors. Here's Paul.

Speaker 7 So I've been making music my whole life. I'm a music producer and DJ.
So a few years ago,

Speaker 7 I was really kind of unmoored professionally. I was

Speaker 7 you know, kind of just over this cycle of making and releasing music into what felt like a void.

Speaker 7 But at the same same time, I was still working a day job as a software designer that I had really come to resent. And so I knew I needed to make a change.
My thinking was this.

Speaker 7 I'm gonna try to make one more EP

Speaker 7 and I'm gonna try to get to a place where I can quit my job so I can push this new music and really give it my all and see if I can make something happen.

Speaker 7 And if I couldn't, then I would know for sure, you know, maybe it's time to hang this up.

Speaker 7 So this is the plan. 2019, I'm committing every single day toward finishing this music.

Speaker 7 I'm coming home from my job, and I'm sitting down at the computer, and I'm scrolling through thousands of snare drum samples, because invariably, the one that I picked last time is always wrong.

Speaker 7 And I'm tracking all of my friends' schedules, like I'm their manager, because I need to know when who is available to come over and record next.

Speaker 7 And

Speaker 7 it's the middle of the night, and I'm on the dining room floor with a fog machine, a projector, and a camera camera on a tripod because I'm shooting the album art, right?

Speaker 7 I title this EP Full Spectrum and it's not just because I'm putting in all of my you know musical influences and everything I love into you know all these new original songs, but because all of my creative ambitions rest on this thing.

Speaker 7 I'm giving it my all and everything comes out perfect. Incredible music, you should listen to it.
And it's ready to go.

Speaker 7 Full spectrum coming to all music marketplaces and streaming services, March 20th, 2020.

Speaker 7 So you probably remember where you were in March 2020, right?

Speaker 7 Here's where I was.

Speaker 7 I'm in my living room and I'm rehearsing because I have a performance the next day to follow an interview with George Strombalopoulos.

Speaker 7 And then I get the text.

Speaker 7 And it's,

Speaker 7 hey, looks like this lockdown thing is really gonna happen. So George needs to reschedule so he can take care of some stuff.
And then the rest of the texts come. And then my release show is canceled.

Speaker 7 And before I know it, I'm just spending all my time and money rewiring my house to be some kind of DIY broadcast studio.

Speaker 7 Except nobody can figure out how to log into Twitch or Zoom for these live stream concerts. And it doesn't even matter anyway, because like who's checking for hot new music right now?

Speaker 7 It's a pandemic going on, and none of us know anything, and we just want to know when we can go outside again.

Speaker 7 And then, two weeks turns into four weeks, four weeks turns into three months, three months stretches on into infinity.

Speaker 7 So, one night, I'm just lying in bed, doom scrolling as you do,

Speaker 7 and there's this tweet that's like all up in my timeline. I'm seeing it a lot.
A lot of people are confused or angry or whatever. And it is a link to an op-ed at a very big music website.

Speaker 7 And it's titled, BTS and Their Fan Army Are Rendering the Pop Charts Useless.

Speaker 7 Now, I'm not connected to K-pop in any way, shape, or form, but I'm very curious as to what this could possibly mean. So I click through to read it.
And the crux of the argument is simply this.

Speaker 7 Korean boy band and pop sensation BTS,

Speaker 7 they have a new single out. It's titled Butter.

Speaker 7 it's number one on the charts, which is not proof that it's the most popular song, only proof that the BTS fans, affectionately known as BTS Army, have bought the most copies.

Speaker 7 Now, a normal person might think those are the same thing.

Speaker 7 The editor who wrote this article, on the other hand, is making the argument that no, it's not the same thing, because you see what's happening is BTS Army, there's a conspiracy going on, and they're talking to each other, and they're conspiring to manipulate these charts, and it's not even really that popular, and I don't believe it.

Speaker 7 So,

Speaker 7 I have never listened to a BTS song.

Speaker 7 I've not heard the song, but what I have done is just come off a 600-day bender where I've just been doing everything in my power to try and get anybody to press play on my music.

Speaker 7 It's very difficult, it's humiliating, and I'm immensely grateful to anybody who does so, or buys a record, or buys a shirt, or tells another human person that my music exists. And so

Speaker 7 to have this guy,

Speaker 7 an authority in music discourse, log on to say with his whole chest that people who do this

Speaker 7 are in some way a threat to the sanctity of a glorified spreadsheet,

Speaker 7 I'm ready to fight.

Speaker 7 So I tweet at him. I don't even expect him to respond, because why would he? But he responds immediately.
And I'm like, okay, let's go. What do you got? Explain yourself.

Speaker 7 And he's just kind of talking in circles. He doesn't really have any real better arguments or any insight into this.

Speaker 7 He's just kind of like doing that thing internet guys do where he's like, just trust me, bro, I'm an expert.

Speaker 7 And I'm like, okay, but it doesn't sound like you are, because why are you talking about this? And we're not talking about...

Speaker 7 the actual ways a lot of western artists manipulate charts and have been doing so for for decades right why are we not talking about payola or merch bundles or forcibly downloading YouTube albums onto everyone's phones?

Speaker 7 And

Speaker 7 he's got nothing.

Speaker 7 And so he just stops responding. And I tweet a little bit more about this, but it's already been a half hour.
It's after midnight, so I'm going to bed.

Speaker 7 The next morning, I pick up my phone to turn off my alarm and look at the screen, and it's just floor-to-ceiling notifications.

Speaker 7 What is all of this about? So I click through to Twitter to see what's going on.

Speaker 7 And I can't even make sense of it because apparently this has been going on all night, but there's just a barrage of purple hearts and fire emojis and I don't really know what any of it means.

Speaker 7 And then it dawns on me.

Speaker 7 BTS Army has been watching.

Speaker 7 They saw the whole thing happen last night and all night while I slept they were circulating my responses and looking into me and it's just a bunch of who is this Toronto DJ defending BTS Army out of nowhere and go off king and

Speaker 7 and I've become a folk hero overnight.

Speaker 7 But it's more than just talking about me because that was happening and it was happening even in my circles too.

Speaker 7 My friends were sending me messages congratulating me on becoming the eighth member of the band.

Speaker 7 One of my childhood friends, she sends me a screen cap of her group chat with her sisters wherein one of them asks, why is everyone in BTS Army talking about Paul?

Speaker 7 And it's more than that though, like that's happening, but beyond that, they found my music

Speaker 7 and they're looking it up and I'm being sent DMs of people

Speaker 7 BTS playlists with my songs interspersed within.

Speaker 7 This one is saying, hey, you should go listen to take it or leave it because Desiree's vocals immaculate.

Speaker 7 This one is telling another one, I really love slow wine because I'm really feeling this futuristic dance hall thing.

Speaker 7 And I don't even have to explain my music to anyone because they're doing it for me. And it's sick.

Speaker 7 So

Speaker 7 this just kind of goes on and on for months. And now I'm like, wait a second.
I should probably listen to Butter because I think it's now the most important song in the world to me.

Speaker 7 And the verdict is it rules. Of course it was number one.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 7 But this goes on for months, and we're like hanging out online, and we're talking to each other, and I'm getting to know them. I find out that, you know, this happens a lot to BTS Army.

Speaker 7 They're, for whatever reason, so often the victims of this like weird, snobbish persecution. Don't know what it is, but it sucks.
And

Speaker 7 they're also learning about me. And they're very sympathetic to the fact that I, as a developing artist who is like really, again,

Speaker 7 just so lost right now, have just torpedoed all chance of ever appearing in this major music publication because I stood up for them.

Speaker 7 And they're really kind about it.

Speaker 7 So the next time I actually can get out and play shows, I'm sitting at the merch table as I do after a set. And this woman comes up to me and introduces herself.

Speaker 7 She's one of these purple heart handles that I've been talking to for months and she says to me, you know, I was was already thinking of coming to the show, but as soon as I saw they added you to the lineup, I knew I had to come so that I could come and meet you.

Speaker 7 And then she buys a record and it's all very sweet.

Speaker 7 So

Speaker 7 for the first time after all of this has been going on for months, you know, I'm like really taking stock of what is happening, what am I doing?

Speaker 7 And you know,

Speaker 7 when I was done or, you know, when I was done pushing full spectrum, I really thought, yeah, I don't know if I should make another record after this.

Speaker 7 But now I've got thousands of new fans, and they're all asking, when's the next one coming? And so there's truly no way I can't.

Speaker 7 And, you know,

Speaker 7 I actually feel confident about that. I feel confident in my decision to be like, all right, you want it, let's do it.
Because

Speaker 7 I actually know where my music belongs now.

Speaker 7 It belongs amongst these kind-hearted internet strangers who send me kind messages and buy my music and love the weird adventurous stuff that I'm trying to put out there and, you know, comes out of my soul as much as they love a summer pop banger.

Speaker 7 And

Speaker 7 I still have a really hard time explaining what my music sounds like to people.

Speaker 7 But if you hit my profiles on any streaming service, they'll all tell you one thing. They'll tell you one thing.

Speaker 7 If you like BTS, you might also like Paul Chin.

Speaker 7 Thank you so much.

Speaker 6 That was Paul Chin.

Speaker 6 Paul makes electronic music that runs the gamut in its influences, and he has an insatiable appetite for records that come with good stories.

Speaker 6 He's writing a new album and working on launching a label to put out more remarkable music that deserves to find its audience.

Speaker 15 Tell him touch down when my two legs come.

Speaker 6 You're listening to some of his music right now, and you can find out more about Paul on our website, themoth.org.

Speaker 6 Do you have a story to tell us? You can pitch us your story by recording it right on our site or call 877-799-M-O-T-H.

Speaker 6 That's 877-799-6684.

Speaker 6 The best pitches are developed for moth shows all around the world.

Speaker 6 Coming up next, a woman helps her partner throw the ultimate goodbye party when the moth radio hour continues.

Speaker 6 forever and make you mine.

Speaker 6 Are you grinding on my soul?

Speaker 15 You grinding on my dance hollow cruise, but the vibes now got done. Wanna take you home, make you rise like the sun.

Speaker 14 The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by PRX.

Speaker 13 The holidays are noisy, busy, a little chaotic, but nothing beats the quiet joy of cozy. And that's exactly what Bombas brings, with socks, slippers, tees, and more that feel like an instant reset.

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Speaker 13 Head over to bombas.com/slash moth and use code MOTH for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com/slash moth moth code moth at checkout.

Speaker 3 Have you ever noticed that purple shop pay button when you're checking out online? The one that makes buying something way too easy in the best way? That's the magic of Shopify.

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Speaker 6 You're listening to the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Michelle Jalowski.

Speaker 6 Sometimes, no matter how much time you have to anticipate or how certain you are of an outcome, there's no way to emotionally prepare yourself for what's to come.

Speaker 6 Our final storyteller, Kelly Dunham, knows that better than most. She told her story at a main stage in Grand Rapids where we partnered with Michigan Radio and GLC Live at 20 Monroe.

Speaker 6 Here's Kelly live at the mall.

Speaker 11 I met Heather McAllister when she was performing burlesque and I was performing comedy at the Newark Airport Ramada Inn.

Speaker 11 It was a queer conference, of course, and I had just dropped all my handouts for my, it was 2005, we still used handouts, for the subverting the rigid gender binary workshop.

Speaker 11 I just strewn them all over the lobby, and I was very busy shooing away people who were trying to assist. I did not need help picking up a bunch of pieces of paper.

Speaker 11 And then, like something out of a 90s rom-com,

Speaker 11 This beautiful tall woman appeared in front of me wearing black tights and an orange-flowered skirt. And she said, hey,

Speaker 11 let people help you. People like to help.

Speaker 11 I am from a stoic, Germanic, rural Midwestern farm family.

Speaker 11 Any complaint to my father was met with, most people are just about as happy as they make up their minds they're going to be.

Speaker 11 This was a quote he alternately attributed to Dale Carnegie, Winston Churchill,

Speaker 11 and in at least one instance, Abraham Lincoln.

Speaker 11 If you so much as said, ouch, in response to some painful stimuli, that could merit a three-hour lecture on the perils of the emotional outburst.

Speaker 11 So this was excellent training for learning how to be a tough guy. I really appreciate it in that way, but it was very poor training.
for learning how to accept help.

Speaker 11 So there I was on a random Saturday afternoon/slash evening with this random but beautiful woman trying to subvert my entire worldview.

Speaker 11 But then she said, all soft and sweet in my ear,

Speaker 11 accepting help is hot.

Speaker 11 Five hours and much sexy time later,

Speaker 11 Heather kicked me out of her hotel room because she said she needed her beauty sleep.

Speaker 11 I thought I had such great game. I was like, well, I was just wondering if burlesque queens wake up with glittery lips.

Speaker 11 She said, maybe if you stick around, if you're lucky and you stick around, you'll find out.

Speaker 11 So the next morning, Heather returned to her home on the west coast, and I returned to Philadelphia.

Speaker 11 And we did stick around as much as you can when you live 3,000 miles apart. And we built a relationship with visits and phone calls and so much AOL instant messenger

Speaker 12 and no real

Speaker 11 particular sense of urgency.

Speaker 11 Now, our first full weekend together, Heather had told me that she had a history of cancer. But the way she talked about it, it seemed like, you know, just that, ancient history.

Speaker 11 Four months into our relationship, the ovarian cancer that had been in remission returned. And she got sick, bit by bit, and then all at once.

Speaker 11 And we were still having late-night phone conversations, but now it was about chemo and side effects and what makes life worth living and worth fighting for.

Speaker 11 And Heather had great support where she was, but it became clear if we were going to live together, it should be sooner, because there might not be a later.

Speaker 11 I was working as a nurse at the time, and so I gave notice of my job and packed up for a move to the West Coast.

Speaker 11 This was not a hard decision. If somebody you love is dying and they have logistical needs that can be met by somebody with your skill set and heart set and mindset,

Speaker 11 what other choice is there?

Speaker 11 Heather and I moved in together into a converted Hare Krishna temple,

Speaker 11 partly converted Hare Krishna temple. The Hare Krishnas had left.

Speaker 11 that we found on the Portland, Oregon apartments for rent crick list.

Speaker 11 We called it the castle because it was huge and also extremely drafty and every available surface inside and out was either painted bright purple or gold

Speaker 11 and we built a life there. And we even saved our pennies for a trip to the healing waters of Lourdes France.

Speaker 11 We were not sure how ironic we were being,

Speaker 11 but we were both lapsed Catholics and we figured, yeah, it's good to cover all the bases.

Speaker 11 We made out

Speaker 11 in the grotto where Mary first appeared to St. Bernadette.

Speaker 11 By the end of that year, the cancer which for a little bit, the chemo stopped working, and the cancer that for a little bit had been in the background, it became

Speaker 11 the focus again. And Heather, she was so sick and she couldn't eat, and we spent so many nights up all night in pain crises that even our attentive

Speaker 11 and skillful hospice nurses couldn't resolve.

Speaker 11 One day in early January, I was at the grocery store and I called Heather and asked if I could bring her anything. She said, yeah, how about a quarter pound of the will to live?

Speaker 11 I took a deep breath and I said, oh, honey,

Speaker 11 I'm at Trader Joe's and you know how they are.

Speaker 11 They only had organic and now they're all out.

Speaker 11 She's like, damn, I had a coupon.

Speaker 11 Three weeks later, I was soundly asleep, soundly asleep, and Heather woke me up shaking me, you have to accept help, you have to accept help.

Speaker 11 I was sleepy and confused. Did she mean like the next day when we had people over for dinner, I was supposed to like let them do the dishes or something? But then I noticed she was fully dressed.

Speaker 11 She had on a skirt and a hat and her signature red feather boa. And she was like, this is an important conversation.
When I'm dead, you have to accept help.

Speaker 11 And then to punctuate this point, she just kept poking me. You have to accept help.
You have to accept help. You have promised you'll accept help.
And I squirmed away because of the poking.

Speaker 11 But she was relentless, and finally I agreed.

Speaker 11 When someone you love is dying,

Speaker 11 you say yes a lot.

Speaker 11 Assisted suicide is legal in Oregon, and Heather had already made plans to talk with Barbara Glidemore, the official liaison, to the process.

Speaker 11 And we all huddled around a conference table in a room,

Speaker 11 secluded room in the hospital where Heather got care. And

Speaker 11 Barbara Glydemore explained, now this isn't a process for everyone. This is a process for whom...
for a patient for whom maintaining control is paramount.

Speaker 11 Now, Heather had mentioned before I moved out, she had mentioned

Speaker 11 assisted suicide to me. She wanted to know if it got bad like that,

Speaker 4 that I wouldn't oppose her.

Speaker 11 But it had seemed theoretical then.

Speaker 11 With this information, I mean, Heather was a boss, and she was the boss. I called her my queen, and that was lovingly, not facetiously.

Speaker 11 Heather, of all people, was a patient for whom maintaining control was paramount. Things just got

Speaker 11 really

Speaker 11 real.

Speaker 11 So, the process for assisted suicide, of course, it's America. You have to do a bunch of paperwork.

Speaker 11 And then you have to make two written requests and one oral request. And then you have to find a doctor who will write a prescription for the lethal medication.

Speaker 11 And then you have to find a pharmacist who will fill that prescription. And then once you've done all that, you just kind of activate the sequence when you're ready.
It actually is pretty complicated.

Speaker 11 A lot of people who

Speaker 11 begin the process don't complete it. And even many people who complete the process never actually use the medication.

Speaker 11 But Heather had other plans.

Speaker 11 One night in early February, I was sleeping curled up against her and I heard her talking on the phone. Okay, you got to come.
It's tomorrow.

Speaker 3 I'm doing it tomorrow.

Speaker 11 I waited till she was finished with the phone conversation. I said, you know,

Speaker 11 when a person decides they're going to use assisted suicide to end their life, they're supposed to tell the person in bed with them

Speaker 11 before they tell the rest of the world.

Speaker 11 She said, oh, damn, I forgot that was the procedure.

Speaker 11 And then

Speaker 11 we just shared a long kiss and didn't talk about it anymore.

Speaker 11 Because when you're enjoying a kiss, you don't stop to think about the fact that the person you love most in the world is going to be gone from you forever soon.

Speaker 11 You just enjoy the hot kiss.

Speaker 11 It was overly ambitious to think it was going to be the next day, whether you're renewing your driver's license at the DMV or filing an application to end your life.

Speaker 11 Bureaucracy can only be rushed so much.

Speaker 11 But she was ready, and the waiting was hard.

Speaker 11 By 7:30 a.m., then next Tuesday, everything was in place, and Heather wanted to die surrounded by love, and so three-quarters of Queer Portland was at our house.

Speaker 11 Let's see, there was one of Heather's friends had flown from San Francisco for the occasion, and another friend showed up precisely at 8:02 a.m. wearing thigh-high leather boots for the occasion.

Speaker 11 Heather's exes were there. All of Heather's exes were there,

Speaker 11 as well as her biological sisters.

Speaker 11 the radical fairies came in and out, bringing with them the smell of patchouli and body odor

Speaker 11 and giving all of us as many hugs and as much Reiki as we wanted.

Speaker 11 Also present

Speaker 11 was Portland's own liaison to the assisted suicide process, Barbara Glidemar.

Speaker 11 And she sat on our purple leopard print couch in her Ann Taylor suit and full face makeup looking to her great credit as if as if this was all very customary and this was the third partly converted Hare Krishna temple full of queer freaks she had been to

Speaker 11 just that morning

Speaker 11 we all alternately held it together and lost it

Speaker 11 The pothead smoked a lot of spot.

Speaker 11 I drank my own weight and died Mountain Dew.

Speaker 11 And when the time came closer, Heather pulled each of us behind a curtain around her bed for a private goodbye and some snuggling, and also, because it was Heather, to give us some advice about how we should run our life.

Speaker 11 For me, she said, of course, that I should learn how to accept help. And then she also told me that I should start

Speaker 11 trying on my clothes before I buy them.

Speaker 11 Something about them fitting better that way.

Speaker 11 At Heather's request, I drew up the IV anti-nausea medication that she would need to keep down the lethal dose of oral medication. As I was doing that, I started to sing the Snoopy song.

Speaker 11 We associated it with happier times, but my voice was shaking. She said,

Speaker 11 You know, you're doing that for you, right? You know, I'm okay.

Speaker 11 Heather's friend Keena had bravely offered to mix up the lethal combination.

Speaker 11 As I handed the spoon to Keena, I was like, Oh my god, this has to work, or she is definitely going to kill us.

Speaker 11 So

Speaker 11 Kina and I went behind the curtain.

Speaker 11 Keena handed the bowl

Speaker 11 of pudding and medication to Heather. She ate it.

Speaker 11 And she died.

Speaker 11 It was terrible.

Speaker 7 And

Speaker 11 even though every moment of her death had been planned, I was still surprised.

Speaker 11 I was surprised

Speaker 11 by how gone she felt

Speaker 11 and how alone I felt.

Speaker 11 I sat

Speaker 11 beside her

Speaker 11 and cried a little bit by myself.

Speaker 11 And then I heard out beyond the curtain, I heard our friends talking and crying

Speaker 11 and I thought about

Speaker 11 what I had promised Heather.

Speaker 11 And I thought about how she lived her life.

Speaker 11 And so I took my pillow, my Snoopy pillow,

Speaker 11 and slid it underneath her head.

Speaker 11 And I kissed her softly on the cheek. And I said,

Speaker 11 let people help you, Kelly. People like to help.
And I walked out beyond the curtain into a big, huge, queer hug.

Speaker 11 into the arms of people who loved me and yeah, very much wanted to help. Thank you.

Speaker 6 Kelly Dunham is a comedian and a nurse, often both at the same time. She is the author of seven hilarious books about non-hilarious topics like puberty, grief, and death.

Speaker 6 And she's in an open relationship with the city of New York.

Speaker 6 I asked Kelly if she's still in touch with the people who were there with her and Heather that day. She wrote, everywhere I go, I run into people who knew and loved Heather.

Speaker 6 I always say that Heather's love troopers, that's what she called her extended care group, were my lasting inheritance.

Speaker 6 These days, a lot of the work Kelly does is teaching people in the helping professions about learning to accept assistance and support, and she has a live show called Second Helping about this very thing.

Speaker 6 To find out more about Kelly and her work and to see a picture of Heather and her signature feather boa, visit themoth.org.

Speaker 6 You can share these stories or others from the Moth Archive and buy tickets to moth storytelling events in your area through our website themoth.org. There are moth events year-round.

Speaker 6 Find a show near you and come out to tell a story. And find us on social media too.
We're on Facebook and X at TheMoth and on Instagram and TikTok at MothStories.

Speaker 6 That's it for this episode of The Moth Radio Hour. We hope you'll join us next time.
And that's the story from The Moth.

Speaker 14 This episode of The Moth Radio Hour was produced by me, Jay Allison, and Michelle Jolowski, who hosted and directed the stories in the show, along with Chloe Salmon.

Speaker 14 Co-producer is Vicki Merrick, associate producer Emily Couch.

Speaker 14 The rest of the most leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Christina Norman, Sarah Austin-Janess, Jennifer Hickson, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Marina Cluche, Leanne Gulley, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Aldi Casa.

Speaker 14 Most stories are true, as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music is By the Drift.

Speaker 14 Other music in this hour from Guthrie Trapp, Tirta Gunderba, Jerry Douglas, Russ Barenberg, and Edgar Meyer, Paul Chin, and Vince Geraldi. We receive funding from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Speaker 14 The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by PRX.

Speaker 14 For more about our podcast, for information on pitching us your own story, which we always hope you'll do, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.

Speaker 4 The Moth is supported by AstraZeneca. AstraZeneca is committed to spreading awareness of a condition called hereditary transtyroidin-mediated amyloidosis, or HATTR.

Speaker 4 This condition can cause polyneuropathy, like nerve pain or numbness, heart failure or irregular rhythm, and gastrointestinal issues.

Speaker 4 HATTR is often underdiagnosed and can be passed down to loved ones. Many of us have stories about family legacies passed down through generations.

Speaker 4 When I was five, my mother sewed me a classic clown costume, red and yellow with a pointy hat. It's since been worn by my sister, three cousins, and four of our children.

Speaker 4 I'm so happy this piece of my childhood lives on with no end in sight. Genetic conditions like HATTR shouldn't dominate our stories.

Speaker 4 Thanks to the efforts of AstraZeneca, there are treatment options so more patients can choose the legacies they share.

Speaker 4 This year, the Moth will partner with AstraZeneca to shine a light on the stories of those living with HATTR. Learn more at www.myattrroadmap.com.