662: Roast of the Town Edition

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Speaker 4 Warning, this week's episode has all the profanity from last week, plus an extra fucking warning.

Speaker 5 This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by My Sheets Rock, BetterHelp, and by Vulgarity for Charity, the annual fundraiser where we quite literally give a fuck.

Speaker 5 And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Speaker 6 Nothing to promote have I. Yet, in need of a Fernsworth quote, you are.

Speaker 6 Evolved from filthy monkey men, you did.

Speaker 6 Well, you've done this before, before. No one has.

Speaker 5 I cannot.

Speaker 2 It's Thursday.

Speaker 5 It's November 6th.

Speaker 2 And it's the International Day for Preventing the Exploitation of the Environment in War and Armed Conflict Day. We need the Lorax to focus up here.
Priorities, buddy. Yeah?

Speaker 2 I'm No Illusions. I'm Eli Bosnik.
I'm Keith Enright. And from Merrill Streeps, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, awaycross, Georgia, this is Skating East.

Speaker 2 On this week's episode, J.D. Vance has a theory dumber than his face.
He worries about Hinduism and reincarnation as a couch.

Speaker 5 But he does. And Tom and Cecil will be here to do some bad for some good.

Speaker 2 But first, the diatribe.

Speaker 5 I've got a friend in Texas who's actually a pretty solid example of how humanism works when humanism works. So at one point in her life, she fell on really hard times and found herself without a home.

Speaker 5 She was a single mom at the time, so she scraped by for a while there, exhausting her friends' couches, sleeping in her car, staying in shelters, and just otherwise experiencing the hell of American homelessness.

Speaker 5 Now, eventually, she was fortunate enough to get two feet under her at the same time. And with the help of some friends, she got her housing situation sorted out and managed to stabilize her life.

Speaker 5 And when she was comfortable enough to sit back and reflect on it, she realized that the God that she was raised to believe in did fuck all to help when she was at the bottom of her life.

Speaker 5 What actually helped were the people around her. And when you realize that nobody's coming to save us but other uses, you also sort of have to confront your ethical ethical obligation to those uses.

Speaker 5 So she started a nonprofit to help unhoused people in her area. And since then she has dedicated every spare hour of her fucking life to advocating for people who are in the same spot she was in.

Speaker 5 And she does it from a humanist perspective. She's not out there because God told her to go out there.
She's not out there earning saint points that can be redeemed for fun prizes in the afterlife.

Speaker 5 And, and this one's important, she's not looking down from on high at anyone.

Speaker 5 She's a person who knows how a well-meaning, hardworking person can get fucked enough by circumstances to find themselves outdoors.

Speaker 5 And she treats them with the same dignity that she found so lacking when she went looking for help.

Speaker 5 The problem is best exemplified in a story that she told me once. At one point, she'd stayed in this shelter that she ended up living close to.

Speaker 5 And when she stayed there, she could barely get any sleep because the blankets that they gave her were scratchy and uncomfortable and insufficient.

Speaker 5 So as soon as she had some surplus money, she went and and she bought a few really nice, soft, thick blankets and took them to the shelter to donate.

Speaker 5 And when she explained the donation, the dude who ran the place turned it down.

Speaker 5 He explained to her that the blankets were scratchy on purpose, you see. He said something to the equivalent of, we don't want them to get too comfortable, do we?

Speaker 5 As though homeless people would choose to remain in shelters indefinitely if only the blankets were too soft.

Speaker 5 As though their inherent laziness is so monumental that they would eschew having a place of their own that they can control and decorate and feel safe in and invite guests to and settle into if their lives weren't sufficiently belabored by petty and contrived discomforts

Speaker 5 charity is one of christianity's claims to fame right their religion is all about how you should help the poor and feed the hungry and clothe the naked and all that shit which to be clear christians routinely ignore but even when they don't it's easy to take the religious dictates as burdens rather than obligations if your help is defined by a shared divinity rather than a shared humanity, it will always tend towards a hierarchy.

Speaker 5 And hierarchies lead to abuse and neglect and humiliation and scratchy blankets.

Speaker 5 When you're helping the needy because God commands it, it becomes a thing about you rather than a thing about them.

Speaker 5 Now, I'm not saying that religious people aren't capable of genuine charity, and I'm not saying that secular charities aren't capable of abusing and neglecting and dehumanizing the people that they help.

Speaker 5 What I am saying is that secular charities are inherently better in that they have have fewer avenues of abuse that they need to choke off.

Speaker 5 They're less likely to be started or staffed by people who aren't primarily motivated by the end goal of the charity.

Speaker 5 I mean, if we passed a law tomorrow, right, that completely ended poverty in America, I feel like all the secular charities dedicated to helping poor people would celebrate that and move their efforts to some other societal ill.

Speaker 5 And I feel like a lot of church-run charities would begrudge the loss of their business model.

Speaker 5 And I guess religious people can call that speculative or dismiss it as bigotry if they want. But the secular volunteer and the secular donor don't start the race with an ulterior motive.

Speaker 5 And even they have to admit that much, right? They'll argue on and on that religion inspires charity. And even if that was true, it's not.

Speaker 5 But even if it was true, it would be a black mark on their motives. Because people in need should be what inspire your charity.

Speaker 5 And if it takes religion for you to do that bare minimum, that's more of a negative about you than a positive about religion.

Speaker 5 Speaking of which, our annual Vulgarity for Charity fundraiser is going on now. In case you are looking for a way to remind the world of one more thing we don't need a god for.

Speaker 2 They're talking about your Jesus.

Speaker 5 Gamer of this broadcast, bring you a special news moment of you.

Speaker 5 Joining me for headlines tonight are the up, up, down, down, and left, right, left, right to my BA start, Heath Enright, and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to cheat?

Speaker 2 Seriously, my gamer tag is Baba Select Start. That's it.
Fantastic.

Speaker 2 Quite the contrary.

Speaker 2 No. Chantra.

Speaker 2 Yeah, RS. 30 guys with two players.
That's the select. Okay, Chantra.

Speaker 5 While Eli thinks of a better pun, we're going to stop for a word from this week's first sponsor, MySheets Rock. Never!

Speaker 5 And I told him, those aren't pancakes.

Speaker 2 Well, I could see the confusion. Can you? Hey, guys, we're recording ads.

Speaker 5 Yeah, man. You going to bring your blanket?

Speaker 2 Blanket. Noah, this is the regulator comforter for MySheets Rock.
What's the regulator comforter for MySheets Rock?

Speaker 2 The regulator comforter is made from the same breathable fabric as MySheets Rock's fantastic regulator sheets, which means it has great thermal regulation and will keep you comfortable all night long.

Speaker 2 Perfect for fall. Now, scooch.
Stop, I can't reach my mic.

Speaker 5 That does sound comfortable, but have you actually tried it?

Speaker 2 I sure have. My Sheets Rock sent us the new comforter to try when they first released it, and it kicked out our current comforter to the curb.

Speaker 2 That's why I, Eli Boznik, personally endorse the regulator comforter for MySheets Rock.

Speaker 5 I don't know, Eli. What if I don't want to take your word for it?

Speaker 2 Straw. Don't take my word for it.
Over 3,000 people have given MySheets Rock a five-star review, and with a 90-day risk-free trial, plus free shipping and returns, it's easy to see why.

Speaker 2 Check out MySheets Rock at mysheetsrock.com slash scathing and enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's mysheetsrock.com slash scathing.
Code scathing. All right, Eli, thanks.

Speaker 5 I think you're squishing Heath into the wall a bit with your comforter there.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I don't mind. It feels pretty great.
Right? Got used to it. Okay, then.
Breathable.

Speaker 5 There you go.

Speaker 2 I like being swaddled.

Speaker 2 And now, back to the headlines.

Speaker 5 In our lead story tonight, normally guy says UFOs are angels and demons duking it out in low earth orbit. Isn't lead story material, even if that guy happens to be a powerful politician.

Speaker 5 But when that guy is is a heartbeat away from the presidency and that presidential heart is more clogged with cow than a cult cut or rush hour, it suddenly becomes really important for us to talk about it.

Speaker 5 So yeah, quick reminder, our couch fucker in chief is a self-described UFO lunatic who has recently doubled down on his public comments that those UFOs might

Speaker 5 be angels or demons.

Speaker 2 He's not sure. Yeah.
And what's really funny is the fact that he hasn't taken a side on that means that the angels slash demons folks on either side of that argument are mad at him. Right.

Speaker 2 He's not winning. Yeah.
They're mad about their absurd argument and also about J.D. Vance maybe being on their team.
Like, you know, the end of a dodgeball drive teacher class.

Speaker 2 No, we will take nobody. You have J.D.'s on your team.

Speaker 5 So these latest comments came on a podcast called Pod Force One, wherein job description Vance was chatting about his ongoing efforts to get to the bottom of the UAP phenomenon.

Speaker 2 It doesn't become Bot Force One until vice president shows up for the podcast. Damn right.
That's right, yeah.

Speaker 5 And during the discussion, the second in command of the whole fucking country said, quote, is it aliens or is it our guardian angel?

Speaker 5 Or is it aliens or is it a not-so-guardian force that doesn't care about us or in fact actively wishes us harm?

Speaker 5 I don't know the answer to that question, end quote.

Speaker 2 Me?

Speaker 5 but you should, chance, because the answer is just no, right?

Speaker 5 All of those could say these are no, and they are person, woman, man, camera, TV levels of easy questions.

Speaker 2 Okay, isn't the whole point of religion to give you easy answers to hard questions? What are you in this for, JD? The songs?

Speaker 2 Okay, heaven is up, right? Like, like up from America, spacing

Speaker 2 also

Speaker 2 up.

Speaker 2 So those are definitely angels or demons, but they don't really do any angeling or demon. We'll figure it out.
We'll figure it out. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 Call the Air Force to figure it out.

Speaker 5 And by the way, if anybody was holding out the image of Vance just wandering around an otherwise serious room in his tinfoil hat looking for aliens with a butterfly net, think again, he is not the only high-ranking UFO nutter in the government.

Speaker 5 In the same interview, he outed both director of national intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard, and director of pretty much everything else, Marco Rubio, as fellow UFO nutters.

Speaker 2 Ugh, worst blunt rotation.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, right? Hey, you guys think we have Guardian Angel? I want to kill myself. Yeah, I want that too.
Hey, Marco, you're fucking up the vibe. I say that every time.

Speaker 5 It's all you ever say.

Speaker 2 I think it's your email signature. Just fucking do it.
Just do it.

Speaker 5 And look, there's a part of me that holds out hope that Vance promoting this shit is just a cynical ploy to keep his supporters chasing conspiracy theories while he finishes fucking democracy to death like it was a well-oiled leather sectional.

Speaker 5 But when that's what you hope, you are three exits past worst case scenario and you're still driving.

Speaker 2 And in Suicide Hot Ryan news.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 When Oklahoma

Speaker 2 don't thank us, man. Don't thank us.
It's so stretchy. It's crazy.

Speaker 2 When Oklahoma Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters resigned at the end of September, I admit I may have focused overly on the loss it meant for me personally.

Speaker 2 No more would I reliably have at least one story a week of Ryrai tripping over his own balls and falling into a vat of somehow gay pudding.

Speaker 2 Gone was my excuse to list his cavalcade of failures like so many Ben Shapiros being told a wet vagina was a disease by his wife.

Speaker 2 Perhaps I should have been focused a wee bit more on the positives for Ryan's nearly endless list of enemies who would no longer live in fear of Ryan's next decree, however unconstitutional.

Speaker 5 Yeah, and for whatever it's worth, he's still tripping over his balls into gay pudding. We're just not hearing about it because he's not in the public sector anymore.

Speaker 2 Exactly. He's doing it privately.
Yeah. We just put a vad of pudding there.
The ball tripping, that was all Ryan. That's not our, we just did the pudding.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 It's a great Truman show that we're running. It's fun.
100%.

Speaker 2 And we got some fantastic evidence of that good news this week as the Rainbow Youth Project, a group that operates a national crisis hotline for LGBTQ youth, said calls from Oklahoma have declined by 36%

Speaker 2 since Ryan Walters left office.

Speaker 5 Jesus fucking Christ. Hey, live your life in such a way that you're not the reason for 36% of LGBTQ suicide attempts.
That seems like such a low bar to clear, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, sure does. So is not stepping on balls next to that vat, but

Speaker 2 here we are and there we were

Speaker 2 right so first off big thanks to Nicholas for sending us this story to scathing news at gmail.com for sending us atheist news to scathing news at gmail.com You may call upon Crunch Biggins to attend the lower management conference of your choice where he will give an 11 minute presentation on sales to a room of no more than 300 people scathingnews at gmail.com.

Speaker 5 No way you pull off Crunch Biggins for 11 full minutes. No way.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know my voice dies after like 48 seconds. Hey, Crunch, what are your thoughts on Shakespeare? Do you have any short thoughts about that?

Speaker 2 Good. Good.

Speaker 2 Now, if you're new around here, Ryan Walters sucks. He sucks and he's a homophobe and he got caught watching porn in his office and blamed the commercials on his smart TV.

Speaker 2 But everyone knows he was lying. I'd list the other stuff he did, but I kind of called myself out for it in the intro.
It feels weird.

Speaker 5 For what it's worth, it always felt weird to me, man. I was padding.

Speaker 2 No, I was padding, Danny.

Speaker 2 But as I mentioned at the top, he did quit quit to work full-time for the anti-teachers union group he was already working for while superintendent of public education as i said people are way less afraid and way less interested in dying as a result of this guy going away ah i i bet as he sits there thinking about how much nicer the porn was in his old office ryan walters is more interested in dying i bet he is

Speaker 2 yeah can confirm he looks very sad

Speaker 5 every time he gets out of that pudding he looks a little sadder than the than the last time yeah He does.

Speaker 2 So the aforementioned Rainbow Youth Project received 1,431 monthly calls from Oklahoma between March 2024 and September 2025, but has only received 914 calls since Walters' resignation on September 25th.

Speaker 2 And lest you think it's a coincidence, you know, because everything else is going so great, maybe it's that.

Speaker 2 The organization said that 64% of Oklahoman callers identified Walters as a source of distress when he was still in office, adding, quote, the relief expressed by callers is palpable, and we are grateful for the positive impact his departure has had on the mental well-being of our community, end quote.

Speaker 2 Holy face.

Speaker 5 So running Raya Walters out of office will eventually tie with puberty blockers in terms of preventing trans suicides. Rightly, that's a hell of a legacy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Also, he's being sued for wrongful termination by a teacher who very clearly got fired for acknowledging LGBT existence and mentioning that white people did some bad stuff in American history a little bit.

Speaker 2 So, you know, something to look forward to. At least we'll see what he trips over in court and

Speaker 2 how he gets caught watching porn in court.

Speaker 2 I'm going to guess Bluetooth speaker mix-up. Okay.
Yeah, 100%. And look, I'm planting a Bluetooth speaker.

Speaker 2 Yes, exactly. And look, I mentioned this not just to once again celebrate Ryan's abject failure, although that is a pleasant bonus.

Speaker 2 I mention it because, in times as bad as these, it can be easy to look at anything but absolute victory as pointless.

Speaker 2 Ryan Walters isn't Donald Trump, and he's not in jail or being eaten eternally with ever-regrowing flesh by Wolverines like that genie promised me, but he is gone.

Speaker 2 And the harm he was doing has been paused. And that is literally saving the lives of young people.
And that will never be pointless. Amen.

Speaker 2 And in clanti-disestablishmentarianism news.

Speaker 2 Fantastic. We have a story about a battle over state support for an established church, and it happened in Texas, so clanti-disestablishmentarianism.

Speaker 2 The Supreme Court of Texas made it perfectly illegal for judges in the state to do all the bigotry they want, as long as it's religion-based.

Speaker 2 And religion is made up, so they can do all the bigotry they want. End of sentence.
Specifically, any judge can refuse to perform same-sex marriages on religious grounds.

Speaker 2 Also, that bigotry does not count as

Speaker 2 bigotry. So those judges would continue being fully qualified to hear cases involving the people against whom they did passive aggressive hate crimes.
Yeah, including hate crime cases.

Speaker 2 But hey, don't worry, black people can go to the diners that choose to be miscegenated. The free hand of the market's going to work itself out here.
Don't worry.

Speaker 5 Okay, but hey, look at it this way.

Speaker 5 If you're a gay person and you're about to get sentenced by one of these judges, all you have to do is start getting married right as they're about to read the verdict and then they'll run away.

Speaker 5 It's like, it's a nice, you have to nail the timing, but it's a nice loophole.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's a good play.
And a big thanks to Hemet Meta for covering the story at the friendly atheist blog and unpacking it for us. Hemet gets...
me moving on before Eli talks.

Speaker 2 So you might be thinking this was a big landmark ruling in a lawsuit that made its way through the Texas court system. It was not.

Speaker 2 The new bigot policy was just a single sentence added by the court to their code of conduct because they just felt like it. And it wasn't even part of the main text of the code of conduct.

Speaker 2 They added one sentence to the comment section. It's under canon 4, which gives basic guidelines for judges to avoid conflicts of interest.

Speaker 2 After the guidelines, it now says, Comment, it is not a violation for a judge to publicly refrain from performing a wedding ceremony based upon a sincerely held religious belief.

Speaker 2 Sub comment, how do they know which one is the boy? Yeah,

Speaker 5 we declare ourselves to be ethical and not bigots. That's nifty.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 nailed it, declared it. So the important question is,

Speaker 2 who are we blaming? Sure. Of course, you have every single Christian right bigot across the state and across the country.

Speaker 2 But if you want to zero in, it's Texas Justice of the Peace, Diane Hensley, who engineered the whole thing.

Speaker 2 Just like Kim Davis, Diane refused to do her fucking job and would only marry opposite-sex couples. That led to a very stern warning from the Texas Commission on Judicial Conduct.

Speaker 2 Despite just basic logic, Diane didn't get fired and they had someone else do all the weddings. But Diane did get a...

Speaker 2 weekly worded letter about maybe if she gets a chance not doing so much bigotry when she gets a chance and that's persecution so diane sued the commission seriously, and she demanded ten thousand dollars in damages because that's what she could have made if they let her do only her bigotry-selected weddings for you know, proper Christian Jesus.

Speaker 2 Also, they kept taking down my no Irish or dog sign at the front of the courtroom, and I want a new one.

Speaker 5 I will say, nobody's surprised that Texas is leading the country in ability to sue other people for you being a bigot.

Speaker 2 Here's the reasoning from Diane's legal team. They argued that the only official types of bigotry recognized in Texas are race, national origin, and religion.

Speaker 2 And those are begrudging recognitions at best. Yeah.
Therefore, discrimination against same-sex couples is totally fine.

Speaker 2 Her initial case got thrown out on, well, on technicalities, not for being stupid and evil, but eventually her appeals got her to the state Supreme Court.

Speaker 2 Another Christian bigot, a state judge, also filed a similar case that was on its way to the high court as well.

Speaker 2 But rather than actually make a ruling, the Texas Supreme Court just added that one-sentence comment to their code of conduct.

Speaker 2 And now it's not even clear that racial discrimination or any other bigotry by state officials would be illegal if they called, you know, sincerely held on my base. It's the rule now.
It's a comment.

Speaker 2 No, I think our best indicator is whether Clarence will be allowed to eat at the same lunch table as the Texas Supreme Court if he ever wants to visit. Can we get some eyes on that?

Speaker 5 Look, I've heard a bunch of them refer to gayness as a religion in the past. Can we just make that official, right? Seems to be the only way you can get any fucking rights in this country.

Speaker 2 That'll do it.

Speaker 5 And on that note, we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's other sponsor, BetterHelp.

Speaker 5 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Speaker 2 All right, everybody, you got your Christmas lists?

Speaker 5 We sure do. Let me know if you don't recognize any of these consoles.

Speaker 2 And mine is pronounced FIFA. FIFA.
No, I got it, Heath. Guys, I'm seeing a lot of gifts here, but you're both missing something.
We are? Is it FIFA? No, your whole list is FIFA, man.

Speaker 2 You're missing therapy. Therapy? For the holidays? That's right, guys.

Speaker 2 While the holidays are a ton of fun for some people, it can also mean extra stress, family drama, and the return of the winter blues. Oh, yeah.
I guess that's true.

Speaker 2 And if you're thinking of giving therapy a try, you should consider online therapy from BetterHelp. What's

Speaker 2 BetterHelp? BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

Speaker 2 A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, and their 12-plus years of experience and industry-leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time.

Speaker 2 If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. All right, Eli, I'm sold.
Where do I sign up? This month, don't wait to reach out.

Speaker 2 Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step.

Speaker 2 Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash scathing. That's betterhelp.com slash scathing.

Speaker 5 All right, Eli, thanks. You know, Heath,

Speaker 5 there are other games you could try.

Speaker 2 You mean like other FIFA games? No.

Speaker 2 Oh, then no.

Speaker 2 Also.

Speaker 2 Just FIFA. Just FIFA.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 5 And we're back next up in headlines in somehow they still don't hear it news tonight.

Speaker 5 After winning a decades-long campaign to siphon tax dollars into religious schools through voucher programs and a fictional commitment to school choice, Republicans in Florida are freaking the fuck out because some of those schools turned out not to be Christian.

Speaker 5 You see, of the nearly 2,000 religious schools that are receiving taxpayer subsidies in the state, nearly two whole dozen are Islamic. And that's 1.2% too many, god damn it.

Speaker 5 So the literal attorney general of the fucking state is now threatening to choke off those funds because teaching kids non-Christian religions is terrorism.

Speaker 2 And not that kind of religious freedom. Yeah.
Right. Yeah.
It's probably really close to that. We're getting an attorney general being like,

Speaker 2 come on. Come on.
You know, you know,

Speaker 2 we're dead. Don't make me say out loud.
You know what's happening here. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Now, it's important to note that Florida's voucher program has been in operation for decades.

Speaker 5 It was originally sold as and used as a means of ensuring that economically disadvantaged kids with disabilities could get access to private schools able to accommodate their needs.

Speaker 5 But Republicans saw a pile of money set aside for poor kids in wheelchairs and they were like, I want some.

Speaker 5 So in 2023, they expanded the program to allow anybody who so desired to yank their kids out of real schools and put them into religious ones on the taxpayer's dime.

Speaker 5 Many of those schools, which, of course, have anti-LGBTQ policies or sexist policies that would be illegal in public schools, which is, of course, the point.

Speaker 2 When I enrolled my child in in Leopard School for faith seating, it was because I heard they had a great college counseling program, and that is all. I am appalled.

Speaker 2 They're letting Muslims go to Leopard School. I'm very angry and confused because my thing don't make sense.

Speaker 5 Yeah, right. Like, see, as many on the side of church-state separation pointed out at the time, opening this door to Christian schools also opens it to other religions that they're not as fond of.

Speaker 5 And many of us naively believed that that would ultimately serve as some sort of disincentive for the whole concept of diverting public schools money into religious schools.

Speaker 5 But of course, the Christian nationalist solution doesn't take any kind of fairness into account and never has. So they're now calling for laws that specifically ban schools that teach Sharia law.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and we're getting rid of those Arabic numerals in math, too. I heard they were doing that.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 So in a tweet about this smattering of Islamic schools, State Attorney General James Uthmeyer said, quote, Sharia law seeks to destroy and supplant the pillars of a Republican form of government and is incompatible with the Western tradition.

Speaker 5 The use of taxpayer-funded school vouchers to promote Sharia law likely contravenes Florida law and undermines national security, end quote.

Speaker 2 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a selfie to take while I take a shit on Nancy Pelosi's death. Yes.

Speaker 2 I will fall into it. I don't care.
In her face.

Speaker 5 So, yeah, so importantly, these Islamic schools also mostly suck, right?

Speaker 5 They mostly have the same anti-LGBTQ policies that the worst of the Christian schools have, and some of them require female students to wear hijabs. And in many ways, the AG is correct, right?

Speaker 5 We don't want taxpayer dollars funding religious teachings that undermine our form of government. And any sane interpretation of the First Amendment would suggest that that would be illegal.

Speaker 5 But we don't have a sane interpretation. We have the Roberts courts interpretation.

Speaker 2 And that means they have to give money to all the fucking religions until come up with a new long-standing legal tradition to exclude those and give christianity more officially encoded privilege you have to wait yeah you got to wait for it and in hollow what news a catholic school in pennsylvania is in hot water after their halloween parade float included a spooky graveyard a bright green jute box and the gates of auschwitz concentration camp huh so yeah we're going to talk about it good good because what the fuck does a bright green jukebox have to do with Halloween?

Speaker 5 Thank you, Eli.

Speaker 2 Okay, and what's the appropriate jukebox music for that float? What the fuck are they going to do with that? The producers? Yeah. Yeah.
Autumn time for Hitler? Jesus Christ. Yeah, pin in that.

Speaker 2 So first off, big thanks to Cal for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com. Cal, we'll explain to you why the Holocaust was bad if you need us to.

Speaker 2 Apparently, that's a way more in-demand service than we thought. So that's what you get.
Again, that's scathing news at gmail.com.

Speaker 2 Your one-stop shop for history lessons we should absolutely not need to be giving. I think MTG was 47 years old when she learned about the Holocaust.
Yeah, by my map.

Speaker 2 So here's what happened. St.
Joseph Catholic School in Hanover, Pennsylvania entered the town's Halloween parade with what they described as a spooky haunted archway. Well, it was spooky.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 And when their light-up arch didn't arrive in time, the floats designer, who I can only assume had just been concussed by a history book, decided to slap together a homemade replica of the Auschwitz gate.

Speaker 2 Complete with... Hey.

Speaker 2 Hey. I know you have more, but just I'm flagging bad now.
Go ahead. Yep.
Yep. Complete with Arbitmach Fry across the tops.
Yikes.

Speaker 2 In a Halloween parade with children, pumpkins, and I cannot emphasize this enough, a bright green jukebox blasting the hits of the 50s and 60s underneath. Withdrawn.
Sorry. Stupid question.

Speaker 5 So, okay, so clearly this guy already owned a mock-up of the Auschwitz gate for personal reasons, or he wouldn't have added the slogan, right?

Speaker 5 So you've got to imagine there was a moment where everybody's in this room at this meeting going, damn it, if only somebody had a spooky gate and he's just sinking deeper and deeper into his chair.

Speaker 2 Don't say Auschwitz, don't say Auschwitz. Auschwitz gate, I have one.
Fuck. I have one.

Speaker 2 Now, in their defense, the school insists there's no ill intent.

Speaker 5 Yeah, never believe a Catholic institution when they say that about a Holocaust-related thing, guys. Never.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They say the archway was borrowed from another school project and that people just didn't realize what it was.

Speaker 2 Cool. But that actually raised the much bigger issue of why did no one at the school recognize the literal gates of Auschwitz?

Speaker 2 Or, I don't know, Google the German phrase that was on top of the gate before slapping it on a parade float. I have so many followers.

Speaker 5 Okay, so but what I think probably happened is that they did Google that and a bunch of Catholic soccer moms were just going like, work makes you free. Well, that's a lovely sentiment.

Speaker 2 All right, kids. Anyway, take off your Adidas cleats and hop in the Mercedes-Benz SUV to drive home.
Yeah. Exactly.
Fuck.

Speaker 2 So naturally, the Roman Catholic Diocese, southern person from pennsylvania i don't know you got

Speaker 2 yeah exactly naturally the roman catholic diocese of harrisburg had to wade in with the world's most obvious apology calling the imagery quote profoundly offensive and unacceptable end quote which which it is but it's also something that maybe and i'm just spitballing here

Speaker 2 you could have figured out before it rolled down main street behind a girl scout

Speaker 5 sorry guys uh we'll try in the future to decorate with stuff from genocides we are less directly involved in it's very uh shouldn't bring this

Speaker 2 but here's the best part they have promised to in the future work with jewish organizations and review the float approval process

Speaker 2 which i assume means have a float approval well sure clearly yeah i do like that they're just involving a jewish organization from now on hey guys it doesn't have to be a jewish organization like you could contact me and i'd be like don't do that there you go no no, we already asked Greg.

Speaker 2 He was our SJW and he said that

Speaker 2 reusing the gate was recycling.

Speaker 2 But all of this, it doesn't undo the fact that in 2025, a school managed to trip over its own historical ignorance and land face first into one of the darkest chapters of human suffering.

Speaker 2 to a techno remix of the monster match. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Awkward. Very awkward.

Speaker 2 And finally tonight, in Vance Vance Revolution News, as we learned at the top, Vice President Jance Dance Vance is pretty sure that UFOs are actually fallen angels or demons or something.

Speaker 2 And I think we'd all love it if he stuck to his areas of relative expertise, like space traveling angels or demons.

Speaker 2 Sadly, that was not the case this week, as people let him speak into a microphone on two other topics.

Speaker 2 JD gave us an update on the situation in Springfield, Ohio, where they were eating the cats and dogs last year, according to his account.

Speaker 2 And we also learned from JD that his wife, Second Lady Ushavance,

Speaker 2 is going to hell for being a heathen unless she repents. Ted Cruz having to admit his wife is ugly, turns to JD first time.

Speaker 5 No, it's just making room for Erica, right? Putting that diva and Devon over there, I think.

Speaker 2 A big thanks to Chad for sending us a link to scathingnews at gmail.com. Chad gets a boop.
Boop. So I'll start with Springfield, Ohio.
This one was also from the appearance on Pod Force 1.

Speaker 2 I guess it'll be Pod Force 2 when JD shows up. Should be, yeah.
Pod Force 2, run by our journalism colleagues over at the New York Post and hosted by Miranda Devine.

Speaker 2 So JD and Miranda got into the same room. There was a big flash from the bigotry event horizon.
And they started talking about the problems with all these immigrants.

Speaker 2 Naturally, just for context, Miranda Devine was born in New York to non-American parents, and she's lived in Japan, Australia, and the U.S.

Speaker 2 She is white, by the way, and so is Jan Stance. Not sure if that matters, but they

Speaker 2 matters. It matters.
Either way, they discussed the real estate situation in Springfield, Ohio. According to JD, the Haitian immigrants are driving up rent prices by paying rent for places to live.

Speaker 2 And yes, that's exactly how buying and selling stuff works. Yeah, sure it does.
More buying or renting can make the price go up for stuff that you're buying or renting.

Speaker 2 But JD is mad because he's pretty sure these Haitian people are paying like $4,000 a month for a three-bedroom house that used to only be getting $1,000 a month from a family of five.

Speaker 2 The Haitian people are moving in like 20 people into the house and they speak another language sometimes. And well, no other salient differences other than the things I just said.

Speaker 2 JD said, exact quote: It is totally reasonable and acceptable for American citizens to look at their next door neighbors and say, I want to live next to people who I have something in common with.

Speaker 2 I don't want to live next to four families of strangers. No, no, it isn't.

Speaker 2 My wife takes the tape line I put down the center of our bed very seriously.

Speaker 5 There is no difference between that quote and it is totally reasonable and acceptable for American citizens to be racist, except the word count, right?

Speaker 5 He's just describing what racism looks like.

Speaker 2 That was a synonym. Yep.
Also, someone has to be my neighbor, JD. Who's going to be my neighbor?

Speaker 2 And just a quick fact check from Robin Panakia over at Wanquet. Couldn't find a single rental in Springfield going for more than $1,800.

Speaker 2 And almost all of them are about $1,000 a month, just like JD claimed they used to be. The Haitian.
And a quick fact check from me.

Speaker 2 I found so many recent pictures of very much alive cats and dogs in Springfield. So I think J.D.
Vance was lying. I think he might be a liar.

Speaker 2 And that brings us to the eternal soul of his wife, Usha Vance, who was raised by a Hindu family.

Speaker 2 The topic came up while JD was doing an event at the University of Mississippi last week, organized by Turning Point USA to honor some fucking dead guy. I don't know.

Speaker 2 So, JD got a question from the audience. And based on the response from JD, I'm guessing it was one of those more of a statement than a question scenarios.
Somebody said, approximately,

Speaker 2 your wife is the wrong religion. I'm done with my question.
You go now.

Speaker 2 And JD said, quote, Do I hope eventually that Usha is somehow moved by the same thing that I was moved by in church? Yeah, I honestly do wish that because I believe in the Christian gospel.

Speaker 2 And I hope eventually my wife comes to see it the same way.

Speaker 5 Honestly, she wasn't the kind of Ottoman I was hoping to end up with.

Speaker 5 So the Ottoman Empire is like 1700 miles from India and famously not real Hindu, but that joke is so good, I'm willing to look the other way.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 this all means one of two two things is true. Either J.D.

Speaker 2 Vance actually believes that his wife is currently headed to an eternal lake of fire when she dies, the mother of his children, and they have insane vibes at every moment of their lives together because of that.

Speaker 2 You would have to. Or he's a liar and doesn't actually believe his religion.

Speaker 2 And everything that's described by religious people as their sincerely held belief is nothing because it's not.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty pretty sure I know which one it is, but either way, it's fucking terrible. You picturing their dinner tables just quiet, clinking, and finally, after 10 minutes of silence, JD's like,

Speaker 2 Are you mad? I said, I thought you were going to hell. Yes,

Speaker 2 you're mad. I said, Yes, that's exactly what I'm mad about.
You're mad, okay.

Speaker 5 And while we all wonder what Usha makes him sleep on when she's mad, we're gonna wrap up the headlines. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Speaker 2 Key, Manji.

Speaker 5 And when we come back, there will be more middle-aged, mediocre white guys here.

Speaker 2 Together, Bill.

Speaker 5 One of my favorite things about living in New York City is watching tourists ask New Yorkers for directions and then wincing every time the very polite, very helpful New Yorker said fuck in front of their eight-year-old.

Speaker 5 Well, if you ever wondered what that interaction would look like if it was a charity drive, I'd love to present to you Vulgarity for Charity. The fundraiser is underway.

Speaker 5 There are links in the show notes, and it's time to get to some fucking intels. Well, not quite time yet.

Speaker 5 First, I need to welcome back the Ren and Stimpy to R3 Stooges Cognitive Dissonances, very own Tom and Cecil. Tom and Cecil, welcome back.

Speaker 2 And I wish I was as highbrow as the Three Stooges.

Speaker 5 God, you guys

Speaker 2 are such inspirations. All I'm going to think about all day is if I'm Ren or Stimpy.
I don't know. Yeah, Brian.
I was trying to figure out one in New York. I don't even remember.

Speaker 2 You're the one without a neck, Tom. Okay, all right.
That does.

Speaker 2 That solves it. That solves it.

Speaker 2 There you go. There you go.

Speaker 5 So, okay, so this year we're going to be roasting the requests of our, well, each other, but then we're going to start roasting the requests of our top 50 donors, as well as 50 donors chosen at random.

Speaker 5 We're going to be taking care of the first batch of those tonight. But before we begin, we need to thank our favorite flavor of donor.
That's the ones that give us money and ask nothing in return.

Speaker 5 So big thanks to Kimberly, who gave us a hundred bucks out of the kindness of her heart.

Speaker 2 And an even bigger thanks to Michael Dempsey, who gave us $1,000 just to prove his heart is 10 times the size of Kimberly's too high in her fucking face. Exactly.

Speaker 2 And then a thanks square in between the two to Sally, who gave us $500 with no roast request. Your heart is medium, which, as Noah's doctor will tell you, is preferable.
That's ideal.

Speaker 2 Compliment.

Speaker 5 That's not square in between 100 and 1,000. That would be 550.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 5 Elite, this first roast is for you. Tom, no, not that, Tom, gave us 50 bucks for you to roast his transphobic sister.

Speaker 2 Ooh, all right. Well, Angela looks like the Karen of the Sturgis motorcycle rally orgies.

Speaker 2 Like she approaches people at the picnic grounds to tell them they have to pick up their Jenkum containers before they leave. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 5 Excellent start. All right, Cecil, I've got one for you.
Friend of the show, Kelly Burke, would like a roast of the owner of the worst team in football, Woody Johnson.

Speaker 2 Robert. Wood Johnson somehow downgraded the Jets so many times, they have a longer playoff drought than the fucking Chicago Bears.
You're right.

Speaker 2 The last time they had a playoff game, Barack Obama was the president

Speaker 2 during his first term.

Speaker 2 The last time they were in a Super Bowl, the Colts were in Baltimore.

Speaker 2 Now, this also makes sense why he donates so much more money to Republicans to try to turn the clock back 60 years. Oh, that makes sense now.

Speaker 5 What's a shot at the tri-domination?

Speaker 2 Make the Jets great again. Absolutely.
He's done more to stab the Jets in the back than a 70-year-old man trying to defend himself against Mark Sanchez during a

Speaker 2 parking spot in Indianapolis.

Speaker 2 While Mark is drunk, coincidentally, that was the Jets QB the last time they were in the playoffs. Yeah, yeah, the butt fumble guy was the last

Speaker 2 I'm team Mark Sanchez in that fight. I think he was in the right.

Speaker 5 And speaking of football,

Speaker 5 this next one's for you. Patrick gave us $100 for you to roast geriatric Wu merchant and quarterback, Aaron Rodgers.
I hope you can find something to make fun of. Good pick.

Speaker 2 Okay. Aaron Rodgers joined the Jets in 2023.
He got paid $36.9 million that year.

Speaker 2 During the season, he was actually on the field for a total of four plays.

Speaker 2 Took about 40 seconds.

Speaker 2 That's about $3.3 billion an hour.

Speaker 2 Wallie paid that wage on his fourth play of the very new season, the very first time that someone from the other team physically touched him in any way,

Speaker 2 his entire leg exploded and he was out for the year.

Speaker 2 This was opening day against the Buffalo Bills. And Aaron Rodgers was the most disappointing jet on September 11th in New York City history.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. On September 11th of 2023.
That's right. Also, he is a 9-11 truther.
He's an anti-vaxxer. He's a big fan of Atlas Shrugged.

Speaker 2 And he tried to heal his exploded leg by swimming near dolphins while they're fucking and getting all the healing energy from the noises. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Of course, that didn't work because Aaron was fucking up the vibes with the dolphins. So it wasn't normal fucking noises.
So, Aaron, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Speaker 2 As you know, that means fuck your face.

Speaker 2 Excellent job. Excellent job.
All right, Noah, this next one's for you. Vincent tossed us 100 cool ones for you to roast Danielle Smith.

Speaker 5 I almost feel sorry for Danielle Smith. She is a Class A piece of shit, but she's being treated like a Class C piece of shit because she plays in the Canadian League.

Speaker 5 But this lady could take on Marjorie Taylor Greene or Lauren Boebert in that insanely shitty conservative politician death match that I would sponsor the fuck out of.

Speaker 5 Was this a person who compared vaccine mandates to the Holocaust, openly interferes with ongoing criminal trials of our allies, and blamed stage four cancer patients for their cancer?

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 5 Yeah, this is the biggest insult I can muster for pretty much anybody. She's one puppy murderer away from a position in the Trump cabinet.

Speaker 5 So, okay, so Tom, I think everybody's been waiting all goddamn year for a Tom Roast, and I hope you've been saving up your spite for Vice Rhinos Partners X,

Speaker 2 Troy.

Speaker 3 All right, I don't see.

Speaker 2 Troy knows he isn't cutting it. He knows it in every fiber of the very being he is and despises, and he knows it every day.

Speaker 2 Troy insists on foisting podcast bro, hyper-narrow masculinity tropes on his kids because he sees himself not as a man, but as a failed man, as a man who daily wakes up and feels his inadequacy, and worse, understands he is powerless to change himself himself enough to ever earn his own approval.

Speaker 2 Troy is one of those dickless, feckless, self-cucking dipshits who not only does believe, but has to believe that what it means to be a man must be a set of simple answers, a series of arbitrary and mostly meaninglessly aesthetic rules, because he also knows in the hollowness of his broken self, he knows that if strength weren't sold to him as tact-to-cool tungsten and camo gear patrol, infrared sauna bullshit

Speaker 2 he would have to confront the inevitable smallness of who he knows he is

Speaker 2 he wants to define a world where he can buy and clothe himself in manliness so that he never has to think about all the ways he fails because those ways are legion and they are cellular and he cannot be repaired to be made whole and as the world moves and drifts and redefines and expands as it always has done what being a man means, Troy's world will grow smaller and narrower and lonelier, and he will not be left behind but forgotten.

Speaker 2 Even as he screams and stomps his foot and shakes his fist at the sky, all that will ever echo back to him will be the sound of his own inevitable and perfect solitude.

Speaker 2 I feel

Speaker 2 so much, right? I know. Right.
Welcome back.

Speaker 5 All right, Heath, I got another one for you here. Denise would like a roast of her abusive stepdad, Daniel.

Speaker 2 Okay, here's a few of the actual bullet points we got about Daniel. He's a libertarian Republican.
Gross. He attended Trump's inauguration this year.

Speaker 2 He went to the official premiere of the film Atlas Shrugged. Fuck yeah.
Hosted by Neil Borz.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck is that? Some radio guy, libertarian piece of shit. I don't know, like cheap busy, rush limbau, cheap version.
He was a chiropractor, Daniel was, and he got his so-called degree from life

Speaker 2 university

Speaker 2 i'm pretty sure that's the safety school if you can't get accepted at the school of hard knocks i don't know

Speaker 2 yeah he's unironically fascinated by techniques of wrist control of course he is as part of his yes of course as part of his abuse career daniel instigated a fight with denise in 2009 Denise won that fight.

Speaker 2 Fuck yes, she did. Despite the wrist control.

Speaker 2 It's because she wouldn't go back and go cute before it. attacking.

Speaker 2 He asked her super nice to him.

Speaker 5 Well, it's because she didn't come at him like this, right?

Speaker 2 You're going to come at him like this.

Speaker 2 You didn't do it like this. Told you the way to do it.

Speaker 2 Up to down, up to down.

Speaker 2 So ever since losing that fight in 2009, Daniel's been taking classes in Ninjutsu. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Apparently he's hoping to win a rematch using. you know, stealth, sabotage, and smoke bombs.

Speaker 2 Denise, I don't want to ever expose anyone to a toxic former parent, but I do need you to go beat this man up in his two-toed socks once again. Like, do it at Arbor Day as like a yearly thing.

Speaker 2 Just stop by, see the

Speaker 2 two-toed socks. Kick your dad's ass while his wolf pack smoke bombs don't go off.

Speaker 2 He's half up the tree with his climbing claws. You know, you just grab him right out of there.

Speaker 2 He falls asleep. He's like, oh shit, these were the slot socks.
I shouldn't have.

Speaker 2 Pass me the bag of smoke bombs again. Pass the bag.

Speaker 2 We'll halt. Sure I can.
Sure it can. Sure I can.

Speaker 2 So just out of curiosity, I told ChatGPT, make the About Me page for the most face-punchable human.

Speaker 2 And it just forwarded Denise's email about Daniel and gave me a link to buy Twisted T.

Speaker 2 And I put a picture of him in here. It's so punchable.
It's the most punchable. It is.
It looks like somebody drew a face. Those lines on the side of his head.

Speaker 2 Denise was like, he looks like a toad. Yes.
And he does.

Speaker 2 Yeah. He does.

Speaker 2 A really nice gardening company has edged his existence so that he flows directly into his shoulders. Yeah.

Speaker 5 All right. So, Eli, I got a weird one here for you.

Speaker 5 So Taylor would like you to roast the homicidal head of DHS Christy Noam as Carl the Pega Pegacorn, but Joshua would like you to do the same as Senior Pets.

Speaker 5 Do you feel like you're up to the challenge?

Speaker 2 Absolutely. 100%.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody, it's me, Carl. I gotta admit, I never thought I'd hear about a person whose worst quality wasn't killing a dog, but somehow she's done it.

Speaker 2 You said it, Carl. I hope that whatever beautiful woman she's a portrait of is having a fantastic career as a foot model with Christy Noam's face.
You said it, senior pets.

Speaker 2 Christy Noam looks like a tartrip experiment is going to hell where it belongs.

Speaker 2 But I will say this for her. As a strong defender of Turkey, I set an example for all the world to know.
Okay, thank you.

Speaker 5 Thank you, senior pets. That will do.
Teach the controversy.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Fantastic. All right.
Noah, this next one is for you. Andrew wants you to roast a variety of evil Andrews.

Speaker 5 Yeah, so the Andrews that he offered were Andrew Jackson, Andrew Wakefield, Andrew Tate, and Prince Prince Andrew, and then asked me to roast my least favorite.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, I have another one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Holy shit is that hard.

Speaker 5 But I have to go with the genocidal one.

Speaker 5 So not Andrew Wakefield, the more genocidal one.

Speaker 2 I need you to be more specific.

Speaker 2 It's a toss-up, really.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but Andrew Jackson somehow is bad, like... for a genocidal slaveholder by the standards of genocidal slaveholder and and for an Andrew right which as we can see is pretty impressive

Speaker 5 And also, like, in every portrait ever made of the man, he looks like he's trying to figure out how he's going to explain that smell to the rest of the people in the car.

Speaker 2 They didn't even have cars back then.

Speaker 5 And he was already doing that. All right.

Speaker 2 He walks onto the genocidal slaveholder bus and she's like, seats taken.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right. Yeah.

Speaker 5 All right, Cecil, Jacob gave us $75 for you to roast right-wingers who are excited to date Ani Croc's AI animated companion.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. This is terrifying.
You know, thanks, Jacob.

Speaker 2 I was wandering through life thinking about, you know, ecological collapse, rampant global warming, transformation of American politics to unadulterated fascism.

Speaker 2 I had no idea what this was until you made me fucking look at it.

Speaker 2 It's an app for your phone that is a sexualized anime character that you can chat with. And Annie looks like a very young teenager and it fucking only talks in moaning whispers.

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 and yeah tom i fucking tapped out too i broke my phone i need a new okay well the last part made it confusing i was out for sure before that

Speaker 2 the whispers i liked look if you want real unfiltered existential anxiety just watch a single fucking video with this horrifying simulacrum the animated waifu will come on to you no matter what you talk about.

Speaker 2 You could talk about a fucking PowerPoint presentation like so

Speaker 2 powerpoint presentations turn me on

Speaker 2 sounds like schmeagel it's terrible

Speaker 2 and even it even comes on to you even if you explicitly say you're a child it will still keep coming oh my god i would rather book a flight on the event horizon airlines than ever visit this part of our reality again i can only hope that during the impending apocalypse someone asks annie for the best way to skin its developers.

Speaker 2 That's all I can hope. There you go.

Speaker 5 All right. And Tom, Flynn would like a roast of the Burke family.

Speaker 2 All right. So I had actually never heard of the Burke family before, had to look it up.

Speaker 2 But according to the roast request, quote, despite their clear academic intelligence, they insist on being spiteful, disgusting, hateful, vicious bigots.

Speaker 2 And look, while I get that, I have to contend here that there's a contradiction in terms we have to acknowledge. What is the point of academia but to learn how to learn?

Speaker 2 Surely at this point in our technological moment, housing information is less and less important than knowing how to interact with information in honest and intellectually rigorous ways.

Speaker 2 Academia is window dressing. if it cannot at least do this much.

Speaker 2 And so when any person lives an intentional life covered in the trappings of academia and weaponizing its language to support bigoted, narrow-minded bullshit, they've already failed the most basic prerequisite.

Speaker 2 Here, here. They are not bigots despite their academic rigor.
That's actually impossible. They are clothed in the veneer of academia to launder their bigotry.

Speaker 2 Remember what history will, that these emperors are naked, all of them, and we know it and we see it.

Speaker 2 And their soft, unfuckable, shitty bodies are as repellent and bland as their boring, recycled, humdrum regurgitations they pretend are ideas.

Speaker 2 Awesome.

Speaker 5 All right, Cecil, we'll start this next one with you. Christopher would like a roast of tricky trekky Alec Peters.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Evidently, this guy crowdfunded over a million dollars to make some kind of Star Trek movie and then basically never made anything after getting into a copyright dispute with the fucking owners of the IP.

Speaker 5 Who could have seen that coming?

Speaker 2 What kind of asshole raises a bunch of money for something and then spends it on himself?

Speaker 2 I mean, did this guy go to a bunch of dinners at Per Sey and run a charity in New York?

Speaker 2 Like, what is happening? Innocent until proven guilty. He pled guilty in August.
Innocent until sentenced.

Speaker 2 And Eli, Scott would like a roast of pancreatic cancer. I was

Speaker 2 afraid of panic. Jesus.

Speaker 2 What if we're pro? That makes it awkward. That's true.
This is a tough one for us. Okay, look, pancreatic cancer is the gerrymandering of the medical profession.

Speaker 2 They're just like, oh, yeah, no, that sucks, but we have given up and there is nothing we can do.

Speaker 2 My pancreas is killing me. I haven't thought about my pancreas since I mislabeled it in anatomy in seventh grade and got a D.
And now it's killing me? This is like the Electoral College of Organs.

Speaker 2 And similarly, I feel like Florida is the only reason we aren't getting rid of it.

Speaker 2 Okay, Noah, this next one's for you. Cass would like a roast of West Streeting.
Okay.

Speaker 5 Yeah, a lot of foreign politicians that I've had to read long Wikipedia articles about on this way. That's fun.

Speaker 5 So, yeah, so West Streeting is the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care in the UK, I think is the official title.

Speaker 5 And his campaign slogan might as well be, didn't you hear it's okay to hate trans people again? He's the chief force behind the effort to ban puberty blockers from the NHS.

Speaker 5 And he claims that he's doing this based on clinical advice, which to be fair to him, I'm sure like that's all the advice he's getting.

Speaker 5 What with the way he's too much of a fucking coward to meet with trans rights groups and he just has them escorted out of his QA's when they speak up.

Speaker 5 Also, he looks like David Cameron is trying to wear Michael Marshall to get by guards or something.

Speaker 2 But he didn't stretch Michael out properly, right?

Speaker 2 He doesn't fit into Michael Marshall.

Speaker 5 He got Michael Marshall and he was like, shit, I should have gone for a large. I didn't realize the media.
So the medium is different.

Speaker 2 I should have gone for an Andy Wilson.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 5 All right, they got one for you. Lilith would like a roast of toxic gamers.

Speaker 2 Okay, here's how I know know the God of the Bible is not real. It's the toxic gamers.

Speaker 2 If there was a medium-sized flood right now, like a biblical medium flood, just enough to like hit the ground floor of every house, just filling up the basement and that's it, up to the ground floor.

Speaker 2 The entire online gaming community becomes way less toxic that day.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, it's like a little bit, there's a little bit of cleanup, you get the pump going and the fan or whatever.

Speaker 2 And then a whole bunch of, you know, so-called grieving parents, but not really,

Speaker 2 they get to make the fuck dungeon they always wanted in that basement. And they don't have to make hot pockets for their piece of shit kid who lives in their basement.
It's a win, win, win.

Speaker 2 But alas, God is dead. Alas, alas.

Speaker 5 Proved atheism once again. And Tom, Patrick would like a roast of his MAGA brother-in-law, Austin.

Speaker 2 Okay, look, Austin flies. a MAGA flag.

Speaker 2 I want you to stop a moment and consider what kind of brain injury you would need to sustain in order for your personality to be so thoroughly decimated, so completely wiped clean that your entire identity becomes subsumed into a black hole of geriatric hero worship so complete it can be summed up with a fucking flag.

Speaker 2 Like imagine how little of you must remain, how much of your... truest, most essential self would need to be utterly wiped from the face of the earth forever.

Speaker 2 How many careless ice picks through your frontal lobe you would need to endure before your personality could be contained by a banner supporting a CAVI hero?

Speaker 2 How small and inconsequential your own thoughts would have to become before they could be replaced by a man who confuses an IQ test with the degenerative cognitive function screening.

Speaker 2 Like, imagine the possibility of even surviving that level of brain damage and still managing to propel yourself through the world of your own accord and volition.

Speaker 2 I mean, perhaps we should not be roasting Austin at all, but contributing to his GoFundMe.

Speaker 2 Now, fuck that. And fuck you, Austin, and fuck all your flag-waving dipshit buddies.
I hope you turn all the way off and we harvest your organs to feed the poor.

Speaker 2 A poor immigrant. Yeah, right.
Yes.

Speaker 5 All right, for this last set of roasts, we're going to take five of our top donors.

Speaker 5 These folks poured so much money into the goodness machine that they deserve a full court roasting for their request.

Speaker 5 First up, Winter has three roast requests for us, but they donated a whopping $5,000 for us to do it. So their wish is our command.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, I would be honored to start with Ash.

Speaker 2 Hey, podcast listener, you know those elder millennials who've been blaming the fact that their part-time job at the fashion bug in their hometown didn't lead to financial independence and home ownership on the economy since Barack Obama was the president?

Speaker 2 Well, that's Ash. And my entire high school fun.

Speaker 2 A spineless, useless leech on everyone in their lives and society as a whole, who would have long ago realized they're worse than any imagined boomer Karen if the internet hadn't been steadily drip feeding them a slow, self-created oppression for so long that they wouldn't know grass well enough at this point to touch it.

Speaker 2 They will die penniless and alone, their miasma of identities unremarked on their medical chart, certain only that it's everyone's fault but their own.

Speaker 2 Tom's going to call a copyright infringement on that one. Yeah, right, Tom, right?

Speaker 5 As soon as you use miasma.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Ash looks like a toxically masculine Rachel mad out this picture.

Speaker 2 And Wanda looks like she's going to tell someone who has a deep tan to go back where they came from right after she buys a blue check mark on Twitter.

Speaker 2 Okay, Wanda's that ultimate evil stepmom, right? Like made in the lab evil stepmom, I'm pretty sure in that picture.

Speaker 2 Jill Stein's look with Lucille Bluth's vibe and also Jill Stein's effect on the world is how I describe it.

Speaker 2 She looks like she's about to cut a ribbon with giant scissors to open up a segregated volcano lair.

Speaker 5 All right, so I want to be gentle about this winner, but

Speaker 5 Can You Roast the Dude Who Shot His Wife in the Face After Abusing Her Friday really doesn't fall into the purview of our comedy show all that well. So I kind of

Speaker 5 seems insufficient to make a, he looks looks like an x cross with a y joke right at that at that point especially since his head's blown off and it probably looks all pulpy so what would you even compare it to

Speaker 5 jesus christ so i will also be roasting ash who looks like if forgetting to wash your sweatpants was a person

Speaker 2 amazing maybe he fell funny when he shot his head off

Speaker 2 i bet he did like one leg behind you know

Speaker 2 is anybody brave enough is there anyone brave enough on our cast to take this on?

Speaker 2 Well, I'll take a shot at Rosie Dan. Yay,

Speaker 2 there it is.

Speaker 2 Look, it's a bummer sometimes that, you know, all the Christianity nonsense isn't real because there's not really any kind of cosmic come-up-ins.

Speaker 2 There's no eternal lakes of fire and demons giving out titty twisters and purple nurples. Isn't that the same thing? Purple nurples feels like it has a silent K in there, by the way.

Speaker 2 It's not happening, right? That's not all eternal. I think I agree with the silent K.
It's great.

Speaker 2 You can just feel it now but i feel it can you feel it in a canurple yes thank you like a canurple yes but that doesn't mean that when we die we got away with it all that because there's nothing left for us to experience that we didn't matter in fact the legacy we leave behind embodied by those we loved and who loved us and remembered by those we influence, that is the purpose of our life, not after we live it, but during our waking moments.

Speaker 2 It's the why to why we are here. Daniel knew this, just like we all do, and he suffered.
You can be sure of that. Daniel was not a man living a good life, a happy life.

Speaker 2 He was a miserable, shitty failure, and he knew it every day. What Daniel left behind wasn't a world that seeks to understand his motivations and to sympathize with him.

Speaker 2 It isn't people whose memories are crowded with thoughts and remembrances of their love of him. Daniel's legacy is as empty of meaning as his life was.

Speaker 2 And while there is certainly nothing that could ameliorate even a fraction of the pain he caused, remember that just like there is no hell to torment him, there is also no God to forgive him.

Speaker 2 And the void he created in killing and dying is the void he felt in his heart until the day he died. And he felt funny.
Yeah, probably.

Speaker 5 I feel like before I talk, after what I, Tom's Rose, there should just be a silent, like

Speaker 2 a wind sound over

Speaker 2 comedy show.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, no, no, no, well done, well done.

Speaker 5 Wait a minute, wait a step up to the fucking plate and swing, man. All right.

Speaker 5 So next up for everyone's attention, Jennifer would like us to take a crack at people who are rude or abusive to veterinary staff. She donated $3,000 to make it happen.

Speaker 5 So we'll do everything that we can. Honestly, I didn't know that people that shitty could exist until I read this.
Like, I mean, like, like Trump, right?

Speaker 5 So I should have, but still, puppy kicker has been my shorthand for worst possible person for so long that I never really thought that there would be a level below that.

Speaker 2 But here you are.

Speaker 5 People who are rude and abusive to veterinary staff, because those are the people who are like they're like they're puppy anti-kickers. They just kick your puppies and you're being shitty to them.

Speaker 5 All I'm saying is keep pissing off the people who pride themselves on how fast they can remove a set of balls.

Speaker 2 Treating vets with respect should be the test on whether or not you get your pack back from them. Right.

Speaker 2 If you fail the test, get a hobby that doesn't require you to care about something, like being a Republican. That's a great hobby for you.
Be a New York jet. And speaking of Republican,

Speaker 2 this feels like a Charlie Kirk scenario, right? Okay. You're not allowed to murder people.
I know that, but you're allowed to hope. You have to be allowed to hope.

Speaker 2 Personally, I'm hoping for like a Soylent greenies scenario.

Speaker 2 I think people who are rude to veterinary staff don't wipe their asses.

Speaker 2 And when you ask them why, they tell you, like, look, I went to the effort of pushing that shit out of my butt.

Speaker 2 And if there's anything left behind, any cleanup or maintenance, I can't be bothered okay now get back there with your hose and know that if anything goes wrong i will be threatening to sue and until i learn that that's not how law works in which case i'll i'll write an insane review of your butt hose on yelp

Speaker 2 If you can't be kind to somebody who dedicated their careers to comforting and caring, not just for your pets, but for you as well, it must be because the spark of human kindness that is in all of us has been extinguished in you forever.

Speaker 2 And I at least find myself comforted in knowing that when you yourself finally die, there will be no one to hold your hand or stroke your hair and no swift and painless exits surrounded by those you love, but only another day yawning with its indifference as your forgettable, stupid life draws to a painful close.

Speaker 2 And fuck your mother, too.

Speaker 5 All right, I got a larger group for this next one. Eden would like us to roast the Jehovah's Witnesses governing body.

Speaker 2 Ooh, okay. So the only thing that pisses me off more than a dangerous, murderous cult is a dangerous, murderous cult that won't stick to their guns.
What do you mean you can wear short sleeves now?

Speaker 2 Fucking God declared it a casual Friday

Speaker 2 where 99 teenagers were allowed to die of fucking heat stroke in Papa New Guinea, but not 100? If you're going to bake in crazy, you have to bake that way forever. Just ask an Orthodox Jew.

Speaker 2 Your cat was disappointed. your cat.
Serious hats. Those are

Speaker 2 Brooklyn in the summer.

Speaker 5 They swim in those.

Speaker 2 But they stick with it. We do, yeah.
Okay, here's the thing with the J-Dubs and the leaders in particular, they need to change it.

Speaker 2 If your religion makes it so I could see you on the street and just start singing happy birthday to you, and that's technically an ambush and like possibly a hate crime, your thing is stupid. Right?

Speaker 2 You made my song an ambush hate crime.

Speaker 5 Well, so, and and I just learned from Sherry on last week's show just how prolific these motherfuckers are at protecting pedophiles.

Speaker 5 Like, so like when you think protecting pedophiles, you probably think of the Catholic Church, right, or Donald Trump's Justice Department.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's because they're not as good at covering up that shit as Jehovah's Witnesses' governing body is, right?

Speaker 5 They spent the motherfuckers spent the first 40 years of their religion trying to convince their followers the world was going to end, and the other 111 making them wish it had.

Speaker 2 The governing body of the Jehovah's Witnesses sounds like if the worst members of the nut jobs who scream at school board meetings fucked every overzealous homeowners association president until they reached a dry, joyless orgasm,

Speaker 2 but with more uncomfortable fashion choices.

Speaker 2 I just want to go after the Jehovah's Witnesses really quickly.

Speaker 2 You know, the best way to know if something's true is if someone on the street pressures you to take up free courses and they'll give you a very thin, very glossy book about it. That's a higher break.

Speaker 2 That's how truth works. That's how truthful works.

Speaker 2 We're just out there. Evolution pamphlet.
Evolution pamphlet.

Speaker 2 What do you do with your life, Jesus?

Speaker 2 You know, if you like eat a steak, you have blood now in your body. That's a transfusion of blood from it.
You're eating

Speaker 2 chicken, too. It's all of them.
There's blood in there. Fucking idiots.
All right.

Speaker 5 So this next one's going to hurt because.

Speaker 2 You're all demons.

Speaker 2 Ian.

Speaker 5 Donated for us to roast the one and only Mel Brooks.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's tough. Okay.
I got, I got it. Hey, Mel.
Do you think this generation is going to enjoy Spaceballs too? Buddy?

Speaker 2 What have you seen in the last 50 years that made you think that was a good idea? Is it the Nazis who will be offended that Darth Vader isn't the good guy?

Speaker 2 All you're doing by venturing into this least brave of new worlds is learning what humorless ghouls we have all become and pray to non-existent Jew God that you don't have Twitter and don't have to witness this.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 5 This was a tough one for me, but this is the best I could come up with. Of all the people who define my sense of humor growing up, you're the least funny, Mel.

Speaker 2 Whoa,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 5 It was you, Douglas Adams, George Carlin, and the Monty Python guys. You're maybe funnier than Eric Idol.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 Mel, bitch, you're 100 years old and you're still making movies. Shouldn't you be in politics?

Speaker 2 Mel Brooks is a piece of shit talent hog. Look, I'm not sure that there's a finite amount of talent in the world, but I'm also like, not sure there isn't.

Speaker 2 Mel Brooks is the kid who took the entire bowl of Halloween candy full of funny and just ran off, leaving the rest of us having to content ourselves with being funny by quoting the shit you already said.

Speaker 2 Asshole.

Speaker 2 Hey, Mel Brooks.

Speaker 2 Fuck Ian. Fuck that.

Speaker 2 You're a legend of comedy, Mel Brooks.

Speaker 2 What the fuck did Ian ever accomplish? He's doing, what, like $500, some charity that helps people go to hell for eternity instead of staying in the fucking lane and experiencing salvation forever?

Speaker 2 Everything you've ever done is amazing, Mel Brooks, and it holds up forever. You're awesome.
We love you.

Speaker 5 And last but not least, we're actually going to toss things over to our very first call-in roaster. Briend of the show, Melanie, donated $1,000 for our very own Anna Bosnik to roast pregnancy.

Speaker 5 So let's hear what she has to say.

Speaker 7 If you loved the aftermath of that 2 a.m. Taco Bell carnage, but you could have done without the night of fun and drinking that led you there, you will love pregnancy.

Speaker 7 Seriously, it's the hangover without the alcohol. It's the depressive existential crisis without the Molly.

Speaker 7 It's shitting your pants and vomiting in a taxi without the common decency of four gin and tonics and a shot of birthday cake and a vape.

Speaker 7 Everybody's like, ooh, so lucky, no period for nine months, bitch.

Speaker 2 I would bleed for nine months straight for a fucking ibraprofen.

Speaker 7 Who knew that growing a human would be all cramps and nausea all the time?

Speaker 7 But rest assured, when you finally poop out that brand new person, they will inevitably be such a cool kid that you won't even care about the chronically atomic farts or the constant cultural reminder that you are now 100% 100% less likely to survive the zombie apocalypse.

Speaker 2 Fuck pregnancy.

Speaker 5 Thank you, Anna. And with that, we're going to leave off for a couple of weeks.
But a reminder that we've still got plenty more roasts to come and you have plenty more time to donate.

Speaker 5 Just head over to recoveringfromreligion.org, click on Vulgarity for Charity at the top of the page and tell us who deserves the treatment we just gave these folks.

Speaker 5 And a reminder that if you want to hear all the roasts, be sure to check out cognitive dissonance at dissonancepod.com or wherever you get your podcast. Tom, Cecil, thanks so much for your help.

Speaker 2 Thanks for having us, man. Ren out.
Or Stimpy? Stimpy. I don't know.
You're definitely Stimpy. Oh.

Speaker 5 Before we retreat back into the shadows, I want to thank everybody who's already donated to Vulgarity for Charity and everybody who still plans to.

Speaker 5 Please check out recoveringfromreligion.org to learn more, even if you can't donate. They need volunteers, and they also just need more people to be aware of all the various services that they offer.

Speaker 5 Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

Speaker 5 If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend Godolphin Movies debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half Sister Show Citation Nita debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Speaker 5 Obviously, I can't wind down this episode without thanking Heath for always wrapping chords correctly, Eli Bosnik for always squeezing from the bottom of the tube, and Lucinda Lusions for always turning off the lights when she leaves the room.

Speaker 5 Sorry, missing my dad. Also, want to thank Tom and Cecil for always being right on the other side of that glory hole when we need them.

Speaker 5 I want to thank Anna Bosnik one more time for letting our listeners drink from her boundless well of talent yet again. And I need to thank Bruce for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

Speaker 5 Incidentally, we are running a bit low.

Speaker 5 So if you'd like to promote your YouTube channel or your podcast or your small business or just your Yoda impression, whatever, check out scathingatheist.com and learn how to submit a Farnsworth quote.

Speaker 5 But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people: Nina, Josh, the Cinnerman, the Good Mush, Catherine, Rachel, Megan, Anthony, Eric, Marty, their Norwegian anaconda, Kenny, Christian, and Miguel.

Speaker 5 Nina, Josh, Cinnerman, Good Mush, and Catherine, whose IQs are so high they can be mistaken for the vulgarity for charity donation numbers.

Speaker 5 Rachel, Megan, Anthony, Eric, and Marty, who are so hot they could move mantle, and Norwegian Anakana, Kenny, Christiana, and Miguel, whose intellects are so vast you need a compass to keep up with their stream of consciousness.

Speaker 5 Together, these 14 deliciously dedicated disbelievers deign to donate dollars to our derision of deism this week, and you too can do that if you want.

Speaker 5 You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

Speaker 5 And if you'd like to help, but all your expendable income is going to recovering from religion for a roast, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

Speaker 5 And speaking of social media, Tam Robinson handles that for us and our audio engineers Morton Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

Speaker 5 If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com.

Speaker 2 You right?

Speaker 2 I spilled water all over myself.

Speaker 5 This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

Speaker 5 The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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